If I Were You - 503: The Greatest Height

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

In this episode we discuss dating apps, Dorito commercials, and White Lotus.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm .See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Here is a chipmunk with a bushy tail And if I'm being honest, his humor is getting stale But there he is again, Jake Hurwitz I'm not saying I'm gay, but If he has to get in bed with him I'd let him fuck my butt While I'm here, I'll give him ear the attorney

And while I'm at it, Jake gets the golden mic No doubt Jake will be humble, chuffed and cheased I have to be honest, Jake is the only host for me There he is again, Jake Hurwitz I'm not saying I'm gay, but All right, that's quite enough, actually You let him go for a long time just dragging you I mean, it was tough, but it was fair

It was mean, but it was accurate So how much can you really blame him? How hurt can you be when someone only spoke the truth to you? You know what I'm saying? I mean, more now because you said that But yeah, it hurts more when it's the truth Does it hurt more than when it's the truth? I mean, you're pretty stuck in your ways, but

No, change what? He was attacking my man He was attacking my person Shit that I can't change You're chipmunk, human Who I am Who I chipmunk Yeah, my DNA

Yeah, your DNA My sense of humor Your little animal DNA Yeah You're a little critter He also talked about doing anal with you, if necessary Which I found to be a little blue Off-color, off-coose

That came out of left field, but I think it was still a hit I mean, what do we expect? We've been fucking peddling smut for a decade and a half And suddenly somebody talks about anal to us in a song Like we have no moral high ground We have no leg to stand on We have to take that in stride, buddy We have to just accept that for the norm

That is status quo Or status blow for us That's the golden mic for me With status blow I wasn't gonna give it to myself But then you weren't gonna give me shit So I had to bring it On the way

Status quo Status quo for it being blue So I made it blue And I said status blow Yeah It's a pretty fucking good pun And it was apropo Or apro blow, if I might say

That's why I get the golden mic That's why I earn that shit Do you want to start the episode? I'll make a quick acceptance speech Thank you Honestly, I'm floored Who are you talking to? We're minute four

And I fucking just won an award I'm floored by the award I know I am honored She's humbled Chuck Say the joke Say the joke that won it Status blow Yeah

Yeah Status blow And also apropo blow Like really cemented me as the goat In that moment But I am humbled And I thank you For what I believe is

Actually could be my five hundredth Golden mic Wow What? What are you saying? It means everything It means nothing It means nothing

You mean Sorry You mean nothing And you get nothing You lose The singer The Bo Burnham parody You know that funny feeling

I love that song I mean that's the one that I I think that's maybe the one or two That I've listened to from his album But I loved it so much I am still listening to that special At first I watched I'm like that was pretty good

But now I'm on Spotify I'm still listening to these songs That's how good it is I mean that song slaps I really love it It's moving The melody is incredible That is by Matthew Lucente

Lucente L-U-C-E-N-T-E Who actually This is the second theme song submitted The first one was the Every Rose Has Its Thorn parody Nice So he's sort of

Into the melodramatic Bitter sweet Tunes Both Every Rose Has Its Thorn And that funny feeling Cool, yeah I like it So thank you Matthew

This is if I were you The only advice pod on the web Hosted by me and him I'm Amir I'm liquid nice I should say if Jake sounds Echoey it's because he's recording From a cavernous room

We've learned nothing in the last 89 years I've regressed Do I sound echoey to you? You do but I'm not hearing your microphone audio I'm hearing your zoom audio From your computer

So hopefully the microphone Eliminates some of the echo I'm really hoping it does But yeah I just moved into a new place And the ceilings are a little too tall For podcasting Those are 40 foot cathedral style ceilings I moved into a silo actually

Yeah A giant tube A cylinder Right so there's hay And there's grain in the silo And there's milk And the important thing is And you're there with a cow

And the grain and a silver grain Little boy blue and the man And the milk Kind of a wasted joke there Since Matthew called me out And you got an award for it So regardless of how I do going forward It doesn't seem different at all

Little boy blue and the man And the milk You think that's better than apro blow Or status blow Sure I know you don't think so I obviously think that you don't think so I guess I should say let's open

I can't wait to do a live show So we can fucking open it up And actually declare a golden mic And a turdy Like letting the democracy decide I feel like that's happened But yeah I guess No way

I would I welcome the challenge Well it wouldn't really be a challenge I welcome the opportunity I welcome that mic that I will earn By the adoration of my comrades And I appreciate in advance I'm actually already cheese honored Humble

You can't be I'm chuffed I am chuffed and I'm humble And I'm cheese You can't be pre-cheesed You haven't even become cheesed yet I've pre-seized the pre-cheese Speaking of pre-seizing

Some pre-cheasing This guy has a question about his girlfriend Who was sort of pre-cheating Ooh pre-cheating Very Yeah or preating for short Nice We'll call him

Uh preed Preeter Preeter What's a famous Peter Uh preeter Gallagher There's pre- Uh brahara Okay Preat

Brahara Mhmm Right I'm a 24 year old from Toronto And my girlfriend and I have been together For about a year and a half At the eight month mark I broke up with her

Because of some mental and family issues I was dealing with And we were split for about three months But towards the end of the three months We got back together Now during those months apart As I was dealing with my issues She was living her single life

And slept with someone else Now that we're back together I'm bothered by this When I brought it up to her She dismissed it as not a big deal Since we are back together Everything is going great so far I feel like I should know about

Who that was Mhmm Am I wrong for letting it affect me Or is she taking this too lightly Should I sweep it under the rug Because it was in the past? Side note Big fan of the testing, testing

Thursday episodes And I think it would be a fun idea To have Amir take the Helix test And see if he can get close To Jake's perfect score Highly unlikely considering Jake was perfect But let's see if he can get close

Very interesting Yeah we'll see if you can pass Muster on the old Helix test The Helix test which is basically Just asking you how you sleep That you constantly say that you ace Save it for the ad Save it for the ad

Alright This is the main show This is the show right now Okay I was just saying that it's not that Hard to ace a test Where they're asking you If you sleep on your side or what

Or stomach Or back Yes So it's not like Regardless of the options Yes or no It's not true or false There's multiple choice

And it's also do you sleep hot Or cold Or neither There's shit like that There's shit like they try to trip you up By being like neither Like does not apply or whatever They do not try to trip you up

How about this Do you wake up with back pain? That's another fine normal question You can't get it wrong Can I get it wrong? No Alright No

You can get it wrong And I ace it Nice Anyway Does this guy deserve to know What happened during the We were on a break I think

There's a lot of layers here The last question he asked was Was he wrong for feeling the way he does Which he is not I can understand That there's this little thing That's getting at you And it's a big thing in your mind

And it's a small thing in her mind And that almost makes it worse But This guy should also re-read Part of the email where he said Things are going great It's like you've been through The bad shit

You broke up so you could deal with your shit You did You're back together And it's great And that's really all that needs to be Considered You Figured your shit out

And got the girl that you like Back And hooray The future's bright Do not focus on something That was out of your control And also Was perfectly fine, dandy

And illegal In the court of law And the public opinion I think that You know Obviously You break up with someone They're single

They can sleep with somebody That's a-okay And you Sorry To be perfectly candid You aren't owed an explanation at all So So I think yeah

You just have to accept this for what it is Which is actually good And be fine Yeah It seems like the other option is to demand to know And whenever you're demanding something It's not a good look Right

Because what happens If you demand to know You get your way Your girlfriend is upset That you wouldn't let this thing go She tells you the name of the guy And it's gonna be bad You're not gonna find out the guy

And be like Alright Cool Glad I know It's like no Alright Well I'm already picturing You getting railed by somebody

But now he has a face And it could be worse Like it might be a stranger Best case scenario She tells you A guy's name that you've never heard of You don't know the person The end we move on

But you'll always For the rest of your life Like hate the name Dylan Cause that's the guy's name You know Yeah Or worse than that

It could be someone you know It's like Someone that's in your circle And then that's gonna be really annoying I mean it almost sounds like And I don't even want to accuse anything But it kinda sounds like it's you It wasn't me

Jagged style Cause you're like You're like really nervous At the thought of her Fessing up to something Like I've never seen you this on edge before Like he can ask And he can know the name

It wasn't me Like he It was nice Yeah But like what if it was you Like that would It wasn't me That would

Yeah He just replied He just found out it was Jake Jake Hurwitz specifically It wasn't me Nice Shaggy That's what the song's about

You just deny, deny, deny No matter what Remember the Super Bowl commercial where Was it Ashton Kutcher Who kept catching Mila Kunis Eating Doritos And she kept saying

It wasn't me It wasn't me And then Shaggy was in it at the end No They really do such dumb shit For the Super Bowl That made me buy a bag Of cool ranch

Cut You know it's funny How important is that? Do they need to I feel like at this point We all know cool ranch is good And I just know that it's bad for me So I avoid it as much as I can

But sometimes if I'm hungover I'm like fuck it I'll eat Doritos Yeah I think they were trying to Reach people that were saying Fuck it I'll eat Doritos

I guess that's it But like they should just I don't know They should just show you A close up of the Doritos I don't need to see Yeah they do So it's like

Mila Kunis is eating the Dorito And you can see like the chip And she has cheese All over her fucking mouth And fingers That's not appealing It wasn't her They should like fucking

Just show a BLT And then a side of the chips And nothing else You think you could come up With a better Dorito campaign Than the Mila Kunis Ashton Kutcher I think I did

Okay so you have 30 seconds What happens in this commercial Let's add What's the perfect addition To a BLT It's actually a D BLDT If you're

D This is you what Talking over Over fucking Inserts of a sandwich It's fucking Slow sweeping Push-ins

Of a BLT Crispy bacon Fucking whatever else is on it Lettuce and tomato I'm getting nervous Because I'm your fucking I feel like you're already About to pass

And I'm like My time's not even up But you're like making me The fucking energy That you're bringing To this pitch Is like no I mean I don't have to

I'm not an actual Dorito buyer But yeah There's no way They would listen to you This is a slow This is a confident person Fucking Dolly in Of the BLT

Okay And there's mayo There's mayonnaise on it So far you haven't said A soda Once Let me finish There's a soda

Hey buddy I think I think you should get up And I think you should leave the room I'm gonna faint I'm fainting I'm fainting We're gonna go We're gonna go at the

Kuchakuna's shaggy spot I think Because you're starting To really freak us out And that was pitched By Shaggy on the day That's right And he had the confidence

Not like you Who's fucking freaking out Can't remember the Ingredients of a BLT Pass the bacon He had the confidence And a bad idea But I have

I'm insecure But I have a great idea That's the difference Between me and Shaggy Yeah And it's just chips And honestly yours would be Cheaper because they probably

Spent a lot of money paying For Ashton Kutcher To endorse something Right Yeah for this they would only Have to pay for like Bacon and lettuce And one

I think you'd have to Get a couple of this Cause like you know Shoot days are long And the tomato Might get soggy The lettuce could get wilted But it's probably just

One loaf Three tomatoes Two packs of bacon Three tomatoes A head of lettuce Yeah cause you want to Make this into ingredients In a while

One jar of Hellman's You can't have a different brand You can get it Well you wouldn't see The Hellman's jar It would be a skew And it would be You know when you're

You're filming they would Know I don't know anything Stop fucking talking to me You don't know anything It's the first fucking Honest thing you said in the podcast Thank you

Let's go to break Alright fine real quick But do you ever make bacon Yeah I do a lot At home you fry it up Yeah I have a couple different Methods depending on Where I am

You'll buy raw bacon From a store And then I think I might Yeah I make bacon I make bacon a lot Do The frying pan

That's the Kind of the standard But my parents Have an electric stove And it's kind of shitty So when I'm at their house I do either a sheet pan Bacon

In the oven Or You can microwave You just nuke it You know Nuke the raw pork Yeah it actually It heats it up

It cooks it It comes out pretty well In the microwave Not gonna lie Cause the pan it's really nice It's really crispy But it condenses a lot You lose a lot of that

It shrinks Yeah it shrinks Yeah And it's a lot of clean up It's not that fun As a Jew I eat bacon When I'm out

If it's on stuff But I never I still haven't gotten Of buying and making bacon Remember That's interesting Yeah It's still in me

Like does Jill buy bacon No Jill I mean Jill doesn't even Eat bacon Yeah That's fair She like

Yeah no And she grew up When In her house I think her house was kosher Like her parents Don't keep it anymore But she

Just has no appetite For it What about meat Milk and meat She's Doesn't do it On turkey Sometimes

Very infrequently She'll just eat red meat She doesn't really Eat that much meat But She'll eat like a burger But not with cheese Interesting

I was I noticed earlier This year that Salami The salami I used to have Growing up was just pork Like My family was like

We're not eating bacon But like salami is fine But I'm like Alright so it's a different shape And name Yeah People don't think of salami As bacon

Which is It just is It's just the same thing But it has a nicer word Of it as beef Yeah I just always assumed It was fine

Like some sort of turkey Beef hybrid But no It's pork Just like bacon So like I would just Eat salami as well I wonder if Jill also

Ate salami Or if they They knew better I think No I think they were like When she was a kid They were like True kosher

Like two sets of Silver Oh wow Oh that's legit Yeah That's really So I don't think They accidentally

Ate salami Like in two refrigerators And then also have this And one Spola salami Yeah Like we would need ham But I would get pepperoni

And just not look it up Yeah I think that's That's kind of where That's where they are now Yeah Like sort of Blind themselves

To the ingredient list Although you kind of Sneak You do some nefarious shit Like putting bacon In her shit When she's not looking Like that's

That's that messed up shit Yeah And then she's like Oh yeah I keep kosher Do you Or did you eat bacon yesterday She's like That was vegan

I thought that you said That was seitan Yeah Like well I cooked it In the same pan as I cooked My bacon Didn't I And there's a bacon grease

And also a piece of bacon With seitan Cause you said it was good Didn't you And I'm a little Seitan Nice Hey ol seitan

No But what you're doing Is kind of It's really fucked up It's fucked up Let's take a Let's take that break But I do want to talk to you

But you can't like Off mic Off mic Off mic It's just really messed up For you to For you to do that We'll chat

Yeah Let's hash that But it's getting to the point We're gonna hash it out I know But I feel like It's weighing on me I have to tell her

We'll talk through it We'll talk It's not your secret to tell But we'll talk through it I will I already texted her But yeah Let's talk about it during the break

Let's take a break And we'll come back That wasn't your thing That was not your place It was not your place to do that I just felt like If I It wasn't your search

It wasn't Exactly Alright Let's talk about it After the break Alright Bye Thank you to Helix Sleep

For sponsoring this episode of our show Hell yes Thank you for making the sleep test The sleep exam And letting me ace it And become the doctor Of the mattress Yes

Yeah So Helix makes a really Great mattress line You take a little sleep quiz To see what mattress is right for you Mm-hmm Yeah right Jake's been bragging about

Completing this two minute Honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz I don't I don't sleep for the better part Of a decade Excuse me I don't brag about completing it

I brag about acing it Because you got the mattress And it was great Yeah I got the perfect mattress Thank God Thank God I took that test That's right

And if you want the perfect mattress You can go to HelixSleep.com If I were you For 20% off all mattress orders And two free pillows Amazing Free pillows

Yes This is their best offer yet And no it won't last long With Helix The better sleep starts now Now So regardless of how you sleep Whether you like it soft, medium or firm

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Thank you Helix Sleep well Thank you Helix Wow No long term commitments Or contracts Just go to Stamps.com

You click the microphone At the top of the page And enter code If I were you And that gets you a free Four week trial Free postage And a digital scale

That sounds pretty good Thank you Stamps.com For sponsoring this show And we're back Jake do you have any Oh it's a lift To the fire

I think we both do We both like It's infrequent That we love the same TV show It happened with succession And now it's happened with White Lotus We love the Lotus

It's funny because it's sort of like It's like they're cousins Of the same show So it's like rich white people In New York And they're like They're like They're like

They're like They're like They're like They're like They're like So it's like Rich white people in New York And then

White Lotus is like Rich white people in Hawaii Yeah It looks It seems like the people From succession Would be the Vacationing at White Lotus

Like Exactly It's They take the yacht It's just Roman Like that guy The couple It's Roman

Shane Yeah Shane is Roman On vacation They're in the same frat In the same universe Yeah Definitely

Shane�就是 Shane is visiting His cousin Roman That would be so cool Brothers with cousin Greg Yeah I mean they're both HBO Yeah

TJiF used to do it all the time Why not IRCL Yeah Stand Why'd they hand it out Hey, diferente Thatר Έ fosse

Did you watch it live as it was happening or did you wait and then binge it? I think I watched, I think I maybe binged two or three episodes and then I was watching week to week. Yeah. And did you like it instantly or is it like a slow build? I did not love the first episode. After the first episode, I was like, I feel like I'm not going to, I like told Jill she could watch it without me. Like while I was recording or something. Wow. But I love the first episode. Yeah, I think it was just not what I needed that week.

Like I was because it's the point that the characters are so hateable. And you eventually grow to appreciate them for like their eccentricities that are also fucked up. But like, yeah, at first, I was just like, I can't like watch these people that I hate. But then by the end, I liked it. Did you know that Mike White, the creator of it, wrote it himself in like two months? No, no, I did not. So there's this LA Times article about how the show was made and Mike White had a show on HBO. Enlightened, was it?

That's a place in Hawaii like 10 years ago. And they're like, you know, we can't really shoot anything. HBO said he's like, but if you just write something that we could shoot at the Maui four seasons, we could probably like shoot it in a few months. And he's like, all right, I'll see what I can do. And then started writing last year in August, like basically around now. And then by October, they were shooting it. So like he said, they were basically shooting his rough drafts of scripts.

That's not just insane, because the story feels so like perfect and tied up in multiple story lines. It seems like an entire writers room of 12 highly trained writers were working on it for a year and a half to make it all work. But now it was like one guy like one of those police boards with all of the strings everywhere. That's nuts. I can't it seems like he had to have had this in his mind before August. There's no way he's like, all right, what do I got? Hawaii? Well, I'll figure it out from there.

And then two months later, they were shooting. Man, that's crazy. Great show, great characters, great actors, including the main Australian concierge, Armand. Yeah, that's so he's fucking he's a beautiful man. Did it make you want to bring the mustache back? Kind of. I mean, I appreciated him like Christoph Walton, like Inglorious Bastards, where it's like, who is this guy?

Where did it? Where did he come from? How is he so good? And he's like 50 years old and I've never even heard of him. And now I just like want to watch him do anything in any movie. Yeah. And we should watch another movie of his. He's an Australian guy, love and awesome. Yeah, that's what it is. He was famous in Australia and he was even in some shows over here.

But for whatever reason, they weren't as much of a runaway hit. Now I feel like he's going to be in everything. Yeah, I could definitely see that. He was a breakout star. Yeah, he looks like a slender Tom Hanks, Tom Selleck or something or like. Oh, yeah. Only with piercing blue eyes, like fucking what's his name that really? Oh, Paul Newman or something. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, just a handsome guy. And the show itself was so funny and it even reminded us a little bit of like lonely and horny level, awkwardness, cringiness of like the newly married couple who like clearly shouldn't be together at all. God, yeah, that dude is he is very ruby, JD. Yes, just like constantly wanting to get the better room, the upgrade. And yeah, completely oblivious to how sad his new new wife is. See, that's the kind I feel like that's the kind of show

that we should be trying to come up with in pitching and writing. It's like we we love these. We love fucking assholes. Yeah, but the hard part is all the other stuff around him. Like it can't just be a show about him. It has to be like there's the two college girls and the entire family. And every time we write some middle aged woman, we are good at coming up with your character and my character and everyone else is impossible.

And Mike White sits down and farts out 13 instantly relatable, highly entertaining, different characters that are all just like awesome to watch. God damn, he's good. So let us be that 10,000th person to tell you to watch White Lotus if you haven't already. It's good. Yeah. You know what other show I'm hearing as much buzz as now as I heard about White Lotus? Yeah.

I haven't seen any of it yet is Reservation Dogs. Oh, interesting. I just saw a poster for that today. I would check it out. I need something for your next show. All right. Need something. And you and I should watch together. We should watch things together, you know.

Maybe I'm like in FaceTime. I mean, hang out. You talk. You laugh to go away. OK. I don't want to watch it with you all. We can watch it separately. So just say you're a bit later. Say it's not. It's not a busy thing.

Just say like maybe and then we don't follow up. Don't say like I don't want to watch it with you. Is that just a time it over FaceTime? It seems like it's unnecessary. I don't need to like see you in the corner. So just be like, yeah, maybe. And then we'll talk about it later and then we don't ever do it. But no, because you'll bring it up.

God, salt me. Yeah, I'll bring it up. I'll ask if you want to do it. You say maybe later this week. And then it doesn't happen. But my feelings are intact. It's fine for you. Maybe a little annoying because I keep asking. But it's not a big deal.

You want me to lie to you? Ideally. All right, fine. As long as you literally never bring it up and don't make it feel like it's going to happen. And then make me feel even worse about it later. OK. I'm busy.

But let's try to find a time to watch something, a show over FaceTime. You promise? See, I can already feel. I already regret saying that much. So no, I do not promise. When do you want to do it? I'm telling you, I don't want to do it.

I don't think I can. You said you could do it this week. Oh, my God. You said I'll do it soon. Let's do it fucking at the end of September. Swear to God? I don't swear to God. I don't promise.

I don't even want to do it. I'm only saying this because you said for me to. You're like fucking feeding me a script. I'll check in tomorrow and I'll send you a calendar invite for September 29th. We'll get the date farmed up and we'll figure it out. But I'll pencil you in for the 29th now. Yeah, I might watch the show beforehand.

Imagine I bail on you. Watch. It's finally here and you can't make it. This is such bullshit. You're watching with Marty over his Skype. All right, we got an email from a guy who's 23, six foot three, and has been a fan of us since the age of three. Damn, well, 23.

Sorry, the age of 13, yeah. That's Mark Hoppus. No one likes you when you're 23. Nice. Thank you. Mark Hoppus writes, yes, I've been a fan since I was in seventh grade and now I'm a whopping 23. Thanks for all the laughs over the years,

but let's get into it. I'm a pretty average looking dude. I'm six foot three, but with a pretty bad hairline. So hopefully those two things cancel each other out. I've never had a real girlfriend, but I have decided that I'm ready and it's time. I've recently been on hinge, and I like to think I'm generally pretty clever

and decent at talking to people, but I haven't had an overwhelming success in the past, but it's not terrible either. Unfortunately, I've had some missed opportunities lately and I can't get out of my own head. Now I'm constantly self-sabotaging because I psych myself out and lose all my natural charm, reverting to the herb that nobody in their right mind

would want to be a part of. I know I need to just move on and be confident, but I can't seem to do it. Have you guys ever moved on from a string of swings and misses in the past? How will I get out of this rut? How do I become a Kobe Bryant of myself and just focus on the next shot?

Thanks guys. Love the show and congrats on 500. All right. Gracias. Home, home, home, home. What do you think? Well, I think you could focus on being 6'3, which might be the goat height.

Like he's sort of like dismissing the fact that he's 6'3, which is like, as even if you're ugly in 6'3, that's like a pretty hot guy right there, 6'3. Yeah, 6'3, that's a good profile. There's a lot of hot guys that are shorter than that that would trade some weeks for the height. So you can focus on the things that you got going for you.

Would you rather look like a 5'5 inch Tom Cruise or like a 6'3 inch Josh Hartnett? What? Josh Hartnett is fucking hot. I think he's hot because he's tall. Like if Hartnett was 5'5, I don't think he would look like a little fattie. Tom Cruise is like 60.

Now I don't want to look like Tom Cruise. All right, a young Tom Cruise. A risky business. How young? 26? Let's say a vanilla sky Tom Cruise. Then I'd rather look like Tom Cruise. I think I'd rather look like Tom Cruise.

Okay, and five foot, what, five? I don't think he's. You'd rather look like a 5'5 inch. No, he's not, but I'm saying would you rather look like a 5'5 Tom Cruise or like a 6'3, let's say Adam Driver. Interesting. Because I thought Hartnett was hot.

I guess I'm just talking about guys who are like sort of unconventionally handsome but are made much more so by their height. Yeah, because Driver has a pretty sick body, really nice shoulders on him. Yeah, and it's just like, it's cool to be 6'3 is what I'm trying to get at here. Yeah, no, okay, you're right.

Okay, I think I'd choose 6'3. So this guy is 6'3. That's a great starting point. But there's no reason to give short people that are listening a complex because we're trying to build up this guy for the height. Because I feel like we're talking, fuck anybody under 6'3, dude.

We're talking about confidence. We're talking about confidence, not height. And where do you drive? How tall do you think I can be? You're telling people that I am. You are a chipmunk. You're three and a half inches tall, morally. You get that?

You're nothing. You're no one. You're a woodland creature. You're an ass. You are prey for a fucking bird. That's what you are. Wow, that hurt to hear actually because I didn't realize that was 0.3.5, 0.3.

That's a hard height to have. Yeah. Yeah, at least give me one foot two. Because I have one foot, two foot, three foot drop. What? It's like the song from Beatlejuice. No, I know. Okay.

Anyway. Advice. This guy. Yeah. You sort of buzz your head and grow your beard. You're six foot three. You're charming on the app. You're killing it in so many ways.

You've got to look for a new start, a fresh beginning. It just takes one. Shooters just need to see the ball go in once. Maybe try to get to the free throw line, get a layup. That's good, that's good. And I think the other thing to remember, just hold this in your heart, is that you don't need to be perfect.

You barely even need to be good. On the dating apps, they're full of so much garbage. You just have to be nice and normal. The baseline, like the bar is set very, very low. That most guys, if you're normal, can step over it. And it sounds like this guy just doesn't have, you know, you are charming, but maybe it takes a little bit to warm up.

So you don't have to worry about like nailing it on the first try. Just worry about not being a shitbag, be nice. And that's it. If you're nice, you'll be ahead of the competition. And also know that most people that are on these dating apps, just like you, they're seeing hundreds of people, hundreds of faces fly by.

So you're being harder on yourself, staring in the mirror every single day, psyching yourself down before you go out. Like nobody else is looking at you with that critical up an eye. How many dick inches would you sacrifice to get that on your height? I'm serious.

I would have a two inch cock if it meant I have an extra four on top. And I do mean cutting and pasting. So I look like a fucking flesh unicorn. That's what I'm talking about. A fucking empire cock building. I want a cone head. Where the cone is actually my D

and my D is actually a toe. Right, see, Amir is the kind of guy you're competing with on the app. So you're- And did I mention I'm five foot none? And I look like Tom. Too long. Yeah, I guess what Jake said is better.

I mean, listen, you got a lot of great stuff going on. There's so many people on there, plenty of fish in the sea. You're doing a great job. Your email is very competent and coherent. And yeah, like Jake said, most people are not good. So the bar is low. We haven't even used this as an opportunity

to promote Orion, which is our dating app. So if you've been watching us in seventh grade and you're 23 now and you're trying to date, you should just download Orion. Cause at the very least you'll have something in common to talk to anyone that you meet on there. Buy the buy. Buy the buy.

That's right, datorion.com. Somebody recently messaged me cause you and I are on Orion. We swipe, I swipe everybody right. And I chat with people sometimes and someone wrote to me, wait, let me see if I can find it. She wrote that she flew last week to meet up with someone that she met on Orion.

And they're like, official. Yeah. So we already have a relationship. We have a relationship. Completed, a proof of purchase, a joyous test. It's from two weeks ago. So hopefully it's still going strong. Hell yeah.

If we could just create one wedding, I feel like our work here is done. Actually, in that message, I did promise that you and I would officiate the wedding if it happens. Well, I never agreed to that. Where would it be? Like where did she fly to? She didn't tell me.

But it's... What if it's in Florida? Tests, cases are pretty insane there right now. Florida's probably the one place I wouldn't go. But yeah, anywhere else is on the table. All right, good to know, let us know. All right, let's take another break and answer another question on the other side

of these words. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, it could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device, anywhere, and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad

or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes, that's A-U-R-A, frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's auraframes, A-U-R-A, frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself

out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. All right, college is back in session. We got a very modern college problem. Good, good.

Yes. This guy lives in Dallas, Texas. We'll call him Luca Donchich because he's about to start his second year at university. Cool. Luca writes, I'm in Dallas and I'm starting my second year at university and the campus is entirely open for in-person learning,

which you'd think would be great for meeting people, but that hasn't been the case. Our campus is still has a mask mandate while inside buildings, but some students are overtly proud not to be wearing theirs. Therein lies the dilemma. The people who appear to be most outgoing

are the ones without masks. So I'm not sure if those are the type of people I want to be meeting. And those who do wear a mask seem reserved and unapproachable. So what should I do? I live about 30 minutes from campus. So it's not like I'm walking around seeing people at the gym or in school events.

Also, I'm 27, which makes me feel a least considerable amount older than most of the students at these undergraduate classes. Any advice for meeting new friends would be greatly appreciated. Jake, congrats on your insane golden mic streak. Thank you. I'm pulling for you.

I have to take it away from Amir's ungrateful, greedy chipmunk hands. Toda, love Luka. Damn. That is a problem. Mask is at college. I never considered that. But I guess, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, of course. Are you masked up at grocery stores and stuff still? Yeah. There was that brief window when they, like grocery stores in the city seem like they always had it. But the coffee shops and the restaurants, the masks went away. And there was a couple days when my gym also

wasn't having a mask that I just didn't have a mask in my pocket. And it was kind of beautiful. Yeah. Late June when you're like, I guess this is, I guess this is goodbye, old pal. You threw it out the window. Four days later, everyone asked to wear a mask. Yeah.

No, I hung it into it. But yeah, now it's back, you know, where I'm in the stores and stuff. Although in Texas, my brother was just in Texas and it's like, nobody wears a mask. Like even at like restaurants, shopping malls, indoor stores, they said goodbye and they never got it back. So it's interesting that this university is still hanging on to the mask mandate.

Interesting. Yeah, I mean, I guess it just depends where it is. I mean, it's their private. So they can kind of do whatever they want, right? Yeah. I mean, it's smart too. And I'm glad that it's legal too, because in some places they're trying to make it illegal to ask people to wear masks,

which seems not ideal. Yeah, it's it's all such a fucking mess. Why do we turn everything into this? Like because we have to be right and they have to be wrong. Yeah. So imagine college plus masks. That seems like an extra layer of kind of annoying. But I guess if you're just listening to a professor,

the professor also has to wear a mask. That's their problem. That's not ideal either. I mean, yeah, we everybody just knows so intimately their COVID experience because we've all just been kind of doing the exact same thing in this bubble for a really long time. But like, Jesus, yeah. Do you think Pence college professors do?

Pence have a mask like pens? Like if you're writing, taking notes, you have to put like a little like Pence has to wear a mask or is he like a little ink pen where he doesn't necessarily ask Mike's pen. I want to know if Mike Pence wore a mask to Trader Joe's last week. In Martha's Vineyard. I mean, I guess what I would do is probably like I follow the rules with the mask. I hate it.

I don't like wearing it, but I don't feel normal breaking the rules. Yeah. And it's and it's the right thing to do. But really mostly for me, it's about the rules. You need the rules to follow them. Otherwise, your rule breaker, which means you're kind of a not good person. And the science behind masks means they work. This guy is still down to wear a mask.

He just doesn't know how to make friends while wearing a mask because like, you know, half the fun of college is leaning over and whispering something. And when you're leaning over and whispering in a mask to somebody who's not wearing a mask, they're like, what? I can't hear you. I mean, I feel weird taking it off. You've got to just spend more time on campus and outdoor settings, outdoor settings. Like you live 30 minutes from campus, but that if anything, maybe that gives you some reason to like hang out more in between your classes

or like show up early, stay a little later, try to meet people around there. Yeah. Any kind of setting where it feels like you, you know, it's easier to meet people. Also, I think like just joining clubs, groups and it might be good, the mask mandate thing, because usually like you talk to someone, you get to know them and then like three weeks in, they're like, by the way, I'm fucking anti-science and it comes up organically. Now it's like, if you know, somebody's fucking kind of a little bit crazy

and doesn't believe in shit, if they're already not wearing a mask. So it's like, OK, I can eliminate hanging out with these people and I'll just hang out with the people that are like minded. Likewise, people without masks don't want to hang out with us masked folks because, you know, what are we doing? What do we think we're trying to like help people out and try to eliminate the disease or whatever? I don't want to hang out with there.

I want to go fucking go bar hopping and I don't have to wear and diaper on my face. I'm actually being considering switching sides a little bit, just to see how it feels. Because you want to go into this protest. I want to go protesting. I can't imagine. So I'll go to a nurse, like some of the other side that it's not even just like, no, I don't give a shit. I'm going to bars to go to go into like, no, no, no, I want I'm an activist

for the dumb side. That's all go to a hospital and yell at yell at nurses who have to wear a mask into at their at their hospital. They really have to work. That's what I need to do. Yeah, that's what I'm looking forward to. I also think it takes a long time to make friends at college. Like sometimes it takes a long time to make friends anywhere.

You just have to be patient and it's not easy, but you just have to have that persistence and people are reserved. You can talk to them first and maybe they'll open up. Yeah, good luck. Oh, college plus COVID. Not fun. What an amazing, what an amazing time. Freshman last year, sophomore this year.

There it is. Half of it straight up gone and spoiler alert that next year ain't going to be better. I want to get better. No, it's going to get worse. And then you'll graduate. And so that little glorious period of your life giving advice. You've stopped giving advice. It's not helpful.

It's not like an oyster shocked from your fucking subconscious now hurtful. Oh, it's gone and it tastes good. So that's yeah, good luck, I guess. I hope you put some cocktails on that. That's when you sort of try to squeeze the joy out of a terrible situation. I'd like to talk to someone who's in college right now and see how they're doing.

Maybe they just don't give a shit. I see videos on Twitter all the time, if people fucking partying down. I really think it's just like just like everything else. It depends where you're at college. It depends what city, it depends what state, it depends what your job is. Yeah, which is everything. Everyone's experience has been so different. Again, that's why I move into Tampa, baby.

Mm hmm. Tampa, Champa Bay. We got the lightning. We got the Bucks. We got Tom Brady, AKA the goat. And you have a fucking mask on. I don't think so. Not my life.

Really, really, I can't afford it right now. It's another good opportunity to tell people to watch the new Jake and Amir mask episode. That's right, vaccinated on our YouTube, Jake and Amir vaccinated. We're two ups deep into our comeback. So check that out. One more to go. Yeah, then we really have to start shooting more.

We got to get more in the can, more in the bank. That's right. OK, that's it. Thanks for listening. Thanks for submitting your questions. You can email everything to if I were you show at gmail.com. That's right. Opening theme song.

Oh, we only listed a half of it. Let's listen to the other half now. Matthew, it was that funny feeling parody called that funny feeling. But it was about how Jake is good. And I'm not right. Matt Lucente, that's fine. So thank you, Matt. For more videos of us chatting, hooting, hollering live.

We have podcast videos. We have Jake and Amir rewatches. We got animated sketches on there. Lot of lot of shit on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A. Yes. And if you subscribe there, it's a nice way to support the new videos that we're making because now we're doing it ourselves.

Hell, yeah. Self-started back back on our independent shit bootstrap and baby. OK, we will see you on Thursday, probably. Bye. Peace. Stunning 533 from Amir Shewell. And even greater golden Mike Street from Jake The Pinch. Amir is a chipmunk with a bushy tail.

And if I'm being honest, his humor is getting stale. But there he is again, Jake Hurwitz. I'm not saying I'm gay, but if he has to get in bed with him, I'd let him fuck my butt. While I'm here, I'll give Amir the tourney. And while I'm at it, Jake gets the golden Mike. No doubt Jake will be humble, chuffed and cheased. I have to be honest, Jake is the only host for me.

There he is again, Jake Hurwitz. I'm not saying I'm gay, but if he has to get in bed with him, I'd let him fuck my butt. Hey, what can I say? Jake is hot. And Amir looks like he's not. Hey, what can I say? Jake is hot. And Amir looks like he eats Megaman. Hey, what can I say? Jake is hot.

And Amir looks like he's not. Hey, what can you say? Jake is hot. And Amir looks like he eats Megaman. That was a hit gum original.