If I Were You - 504: First Date (w/Avital Ash!)

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

Writer/Actor/Lover Avital Ash joins us to discuss buying low, selling high, and punk covers.   Check out our sponsor MyBookieSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. He'll get a golden mic. He makes one crass joke. And then he jokes. It seems that Jake never gives him a break. And he thinks to himself. If he weren't a chipmunk. Then just maybe today.

He'd have a golden mic. Turn it. Louis Armstrong, a national treasure, impersonated singing about a poop award. Nice. By Lorne Mintz. Nice. I'll be tall, would you say that was offensive or fine?

Keep in mind you're the authority on it. It's great. I couldn't make out totally what was being said, but it sounds like it hurt his throat, and I think suffering for your art makes you good. Yes, you have to suffer for your art. Yeah, it's a very distinct Louis Armstrong voice. And that was written by a man named Lorne,

who actually made parodies before for us, such as Newfound Glory, Blink-182, and All-American Rejects. Huge. What a range. Yes, from Tom DeLong to Louis Armstrong. One of the other goats. Imagine Tom DeLong doing a Louis Armstrong impression. That's his next song.

It has to be. Small things. That's pretty good. All the small things. No, because then you lose the Tom DeLong. That's just Louis Armstrong singing Blink-182. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, so you have to learn Tom's voice is kind of like this. It's like San Diego. All the small things. You can't do it. Small things. Avital actually nailed it. Oh, small things. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I feel like you guys have become Muppets. Yes. That was crazy. Yeah. That was very Waka Waka chic. All right, we are in New York City together. Me, Jake, me, Avital, and also Avital with Jake. The big apple.

Big. Recording this the day after the Great Flood. Which you never know by stepping outside. Yeah, no, it's beautiful today. Absolutely beautiful. Isn't there like Noah's Ark style symbolism where it's like it was a great flood and then like the sun came out and there was a rainbow and that's like how they knew to step off the Ark.

I'm looking at Avital because she remembers the Bible. I was just thinking of that it's always darkest before the dawn. I don't remember with the flood. There was a rainbow at some point. Oh, I think they sent out a dove and he came back with an olive branch. I think that was the thing. That's interesting. In fact, permission to release the pigeon we have in the studio and see if he comes out.

Not yet. Oh, there's a rat in his mouth. I need to make sure Uber Eats is still running. I'm going to have to have that for sustenance. There was a guy delivering grub hub in the storm so he had like water up to his waist like wading through the water like holding the bag. You saw that through a window, I think? No, God, no.

Five percent tip. Oh, my gosh. Thanks. Oh, this is Pad Thai. I did Pad see you. Guy waiting and fucking dog shit and rat poison. It's like, can you bring it into the building? I don't want to meet you at the door.

I'm in a robe. It's wet outside. I mean, probably at that point it's a relief to come into the building to deliver it. You have to stay there and eat it with the guy. And then he has to fall asleep in your vestibule. I imagine they open the door for him and the flood just comes into the building. Yeah, good Lord. Water's scary.

Water's scary. Did your place flood or it survived? It survived. But I feel like there have been in the past, I don't know if I've ever had like a leak in an apartment in New York. I guess maybe I have, but like I've never, I've never been a homeowner before in New York City. So now there's like elements you have to deal with. It's so much, yeah, it's so scary.

I just hear like the pitter-patter of the rain on the roof and I'm like, well, I'm fucked. I used to be someone else's problem and now it's yours. I'm just like on Instagram, I see the subway's flooding and I'm like, well, that's me. I saw on Vinny's Instagram story, he was helping his neighbor. There were buckets all over this apartment with like falling water. Yeah, yeah, very scary. Right before the flood, we saw a rat and I was like, oh, which makes me think I'm maybe not cut out for New York because I would be like, come in.

If you don't get grossed out by rats, I think you are cut out for New York. Okay, let's do it. Yeah, that's one of the cons. Let's move here. Is the rats. They're cute. The tails are a little gross, but I still like them. I'm fine with the rats.

What I don't like is when I like accident, when I see the smushed rat in the street, I ran over one on my bike the other day. It's like, I couldn't swear about it the way in time. I saw it too late and I just had to go, I couldn't avoid it. I actually had to steer into it to go over it direct. And it flew up your wheel and landed in the hood of your zip-up hoodie. But you didn't smush it. That's good.

I didn't kill it. No, this rat was long dead. So there's plague on your bike, basically. And then you take it in here and you sort of attach it to the wall. There's like still guts on the wheel and you like ride it up your wall. Yeah, and then I like, you know, I check the tire pester, kind of get rat guts. Wet, get a little bit of grease on my thumb, licked off. Oh, that tastes like rat blood.

Which you know what that smells like. It tastes like. Yeah. Okay, we are here recording an episode of If I Were You. So let's get down to business. Okay. Nobody wants to hear us chit-chat about rat poison, rainwater and sunshine. The three things that make up New York City.

I like that in this scenario, rat poison is the rat. Then that's the poison. Yeah, that's our poison. So what's rat poison? It doesn't make sense. It's usually to kill rats. Yeah, but like cats. It would probably kill me.

That's a good tweet. Cats are rat poison. Cats are the original rat poison. Oh, nice. I was just reading something. You have my permission to tweet that. No, no, no. It should be from you.

No, I don't want to. I'll reply to it. I'm not going to break the Twitter silence for anything less than Schwimmer's ear. Yeah, have you heard Jake's tweet that he's sitting on? Dave, what is it? Ross from Friends has Schwimmer's ear. Wow. Do you think Ross from Friends?

I don't want to say that he did. I think there's something there. You just maybe need to like set it up with, you know, circumstance in which he got it. Do you think? Oh. He swam for too long. Oh, like in the fountain. Do you think he has Schwimmer's ear?

Oh, that's good. Oh, that's good. There we go. Because he does pop up and do the squareting of water. Yeah. They had a hard time getting Ross out of the fountain in the opening. Do you think he got Schwimmer's ear? That's good.

Yeah, then they do that with the little, with the GIF where he kind of like raises his head up above. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. Portrait of a man with Schwimmer's ear. Oh, that's good. Just the GIF and portrait of a man with Schwimmer's ear.

Then you don't even need the setup. Wow. Subday. Okay. We got a question from a 31-year-old lady in Canada. I thought it would be good to have you help us answer. We just got to give her a fake name. Polly.

Polly? Last name? Sure. Nice. Polly, sure. No relation. Right. I'm a 31-year-old personal trainer from Canada.

I recently went on a first date with a guy that was completely normal. 90 minutes of polite conversation. And I was completely bored. Nothing wrong with the guy. Just totally meh. I didn't genuinely laugh once at anything he said. It was just polite chatter. I'm willing to chalk this up to first date jitters or the routine of getting to know people,

but what would you do in this situation? All my girlfriends say I should just go on a second date with him and feel him out more. All my guy friends say I should move on, which I find very interesting. What's your take? Would also love to know what Avi Tal and Jill think about it. Whoa. Should we call Jill, put her on speaker? I could tell you what Jill thinks actually because we had this conversation with a friend recently.

Oh, wow. Yeah. And girls are, is it like that? Girls are more likely to say give him another shot and guys are like, just cut the bait. He's a sociopath. In this situation, we both said that. One of Jill's friends was like, I went out on a date with the guy. We had a pretty good time.

He seemed nice. I don't think I'll see him again. And we're like, and then she's, she was like dating and we're like, well, wait, what, what are you talking about? Yeah. She like hates the dating apps. She hates going on dates. She has a date with somebody. She's like, it was pretty nice.

I don't think I'll see him again. Like, sorry. So you just, you just like the assholes that ghost you. That's right. The thrill of defeat. So I think there is something to the fact that the, the apps are so bad that guys are, we would tend to be like, oh, fuck this guy. Move on. But I feel like women who use these apps and have seen how bad they are, that neutral is almost considered.

Oh, if he wasn't awful, then that's good. He cleared the low bar. Wow. That's just about lowering your standards, basically. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have any minds about this because it definitely wasn't. You can't do that.

Sorry. I did it. I tried to do it in the other direction. I know. But still, it was deafening. All right. Perfect. I'll use the second one to cancel up.

Oh God. A rat just came out of your mouth. Oh, that's what it was. So when I ran over on my bike. My first date with Amir was fine. Yeah, right. And I felt like it was. Not really.

It wasn't like painful, but it wasn't. It was like, this is fine. It was nice. It was met, I would say. Fine in a way. Like what would. Excuse me. I'm just joining in.

I was there too. Amir, I know spoke to you about it, Jake. It was like, it was so great. I don't understand. He was obsessed with you. He was obsessed with you. I was funny and I was not nervous. Did I tell you the story about Amir letting me borrow his car?

Have I talked about that on the podcast? No, or I don't know it. I feel like Amir never. That was the dog walking. Yeah. Amir never, ever let me drive his car due to insurance purposes. Yeah. I got a very specific insurance that said I needed to drive my car.

Okay. And like I would let, I don't even, I know I've had insurance that I'm sure prohibited people, like, but I let people borrow my truck all the time. And Amir never, ever let me drive his car. Even if he was tired, I'm like, do you want me to drive? I was like, no, you can't. I was high. He was too fucking scared.

And then there was one opportunity where he had to see you, which is like walking your friend's dog at your friend's house. With your dog. Slash our dog now. Now our dog. Like on our way home. And he's like, oh, she said I could come over. Like I have to go.

I'm going. You could take my car home. And I was like, wow, he really likes her. He's going to let me drive. And you totaled it. That's right. I wrapped it around a tree. I love that story.

I mean, Amir always makes jokes, but it felt in this moment telling like he couldn't just sit in the discomfort of like for half a second of like, he really liked you. He had to time in with like, and then you totaled it. Yeah. I can't be vulnerable on the spot for more than a second. Obviously you wrapped a fucking car around a tree, otherwise we're talking about my feeling. So in this case, I'll say like, I feel like, yeah, I didn't warm up to you right away. And I'm glad I kept going out with you because it was like, well, maybe it'll, maybe we'll

find that rhythm and we did, but I'm sorry, the rat, there's another rat in my throat. We have a friend you just met, which she set up with this girl through a mutual friend. I didn't feel like there were sparks, but then was like, everybody was telling her like, well, you know, this sometimes they're nervous and give it a chance and keep going and whatever. So she was, she felt obligated and like ignored her own intuition and went out with this girl again. And I love this story because she, she wasn't feeling it. She felt like she had to let the girl know the girl was clearly more invested in my friend

than she was in her. And so she was like, Hey, you know, I feel like I would really like to be friends. I just don't think there's like a romantic spark between us. And then the other girl was like, I viscerally disagree. Yeah, I'm in charge of who has feelings and we both have feelings. Yeah, exactly. Why don't we sometimes you have to listen to your gut. Right.

I think it really can go either way. I don't know. And also, I think I would say, yeah, give it one more shot, except knowing the gender divide. I'm like, I don't want to be, I don't want to fall on the obvious prescribed line. Side of the line. But have you ever gone on a second date with someone you're like, because it was me, I guess me, but in addition to that, have you ever gone on a date so bad that you said no more in second date?

Because it's not bad. Oh, yeah. You've had that, but it was even worse than not laughing. Yeah, it was like a like feeling repulsed. That's like usually a pretty good indicator. Don't go out with them again. Which was our second date, she's thinking. Right.

I feel like there have been like times, you have like a good time on a date and still not be attracted to the person, too. Yeah. So I don't know. And then attraction can develop. Yeah. It's, I guess the answer is that it's case by case. Right.

I don't know, one more details. I want to be like, what? I mean, I've had a date where it was like we sat down and we had a 30 minute talk and we're just like, all right, obviously not. So bye forever. Do you say on the date? Have you ever been on a date where you're like, this is over, like you're, the date is over, it's like, yes, we won't really see each other again.

No, that would be insane. We're polite. We're like, okay, bye, bye. And then like zero communication from either party after that. I really do want to know more details. Like, I don't know. I guess it's also like- Go ahead and ask, I'll tell you. Do you answer for her?

How did he smell? Fine. Like a little bit like deodorant. Okay. Yeah. Slash rain water. Speed stick. Are you attracted to his general physique?

Yeah, he's, I didn't love his haircut, but he was tall and he was slender. He's definitely my body type. Yeah, go out with him again. He smells fine. Let me try again. Again, this is the low bar. That guy's not funny. He didn't make me laugh once an hour and a half was totally boring, but he didn't smell

and he had a fine haircut. Go out with him again. Bad haircut, but you can change the haircut. Also, the risk of going out with him again is so low, like, okay, see, then you see him for another hour and a half. And if it's bad, then- I know, but what if it's bad, it feels like forever. Yeah. It's like pulling teeth.

It's one more night. You could always do something that's like a second date, but not in the same circumstance. Right. If you guys got dinner, it's like, well, let's not do another dinner. Maybe that's not his fucking element or maybe that's like just, it's setting you up for failure to do the exact same thing, hope for a different result. Yeah. So you say like, let's go on a hike.

Let's go on a walk. Right. You could even suggest something that takes less time so you can kind of get that second chance. Right. But more his speed. Yeah. Maybe something where he's more in his element.

Right. If he's a golfer, you can say, let's go golfing. If he's a bowler, then you can say, let's bowl. Let's hit the lanes. Another example is if he likes to go to the beach, you can say, let's go to the beach. You could also do something like go to one of those like barcade type things. That's cool. If he likes video games.

So, but then there's like an external activity. I mean, bowling is also really great because there's something else going on. You don't have to just like make conversation. You can have fun. Yeah. Or you take him somewhere he hates because then you see how he responds under pressure and then it's less likely to be boring. You'll at least get to like sort of see.

I realized there are a bunch of other people where it was like neutral and fine and I just didn't go out with him again. And I think the reason I went out and so I don't know what the circumstances again with this guy, if she knows anything about him, but I think part of why I went out with you again was there were other people that we knew who are like, that guy's so funny. Yeah. Like Jake Nordwood was like, I think Amir's so funny. Right.

It was like a full court press of people. Amir orchestrated a lot of that, trying to get people to reach out to you and lie to you about how funny I was as it were. You should listen to his podcast. It'll open up a lot of things. We should say that you didn't want to go out with me at first because you saw a video of ours and you're like, this guy seems annoying. He was so annoying.

He's very convincing. Wow. Yeah, you are. The Amir character. The Amir character. What were you about to say? Oh, that Jake Nordwood was at our house that day and you took his phone and sent that. Do you remember what video you saw?

I don't remember. I remember Rosa Salazar brought up Amir and we pulled it up and we were like somewhere sort of loud. So I could kind of just hear your laugh and maybe pointing at Jake or just being your sort of character. I don't know what video it was. I wish I did. I was probably hot because it was like when I was 23 and that's when I peaked.

Your worst haircut. You actually bottomed at 23. I feel like Amir gets hotter every year, so I kind of bought it high. Thank you. Thank you. I needed to hear that, especially after the, he's peaking, first date situation. He's peaking. Well, he, he looked really young.

So it took like a beard and some grays for me to be like, oh, this is an adult man. Right. Yeah. What about shaving the beard? What about shaving the beard? Would you ever? I would not like it, but I would, I guess try it on a dare slash whim. I want the mustache back.

I can't wait. All right. Let's take a break. We're feeling good. And we'll be back after these messages. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the

doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade.

Excuse me. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God.

Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Yes. This is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now.

So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix is 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. And we're back.

Hey. Abital, do you have any? No. I'm coming. Gross. That's right. It's an incestuous riff slash part of the show baked into the DNA, the fabric of our pod.

Do you have any unsolicited advice? Going off of where we left off, I'd say get yourself in a mirror by sort of trending up sort of low, you know, as you're going gray, as the beard's coming in or when Jake and I were cosplaying, role playing. Cosplaying. Yeah. For anybody listening at home, I've dressed up like the girl because I know how Polly Shore looks.

And I dressed just like her. Bio don't, Polly Anna Shore. So you're saying when you go out with someone, see if it's almost like you're examining a fixer up or like, ooh, let's see what he would imagine him wearing a different shirt, imagine him with better hair, imagining him with grayer beards and then see if you can look at the future. The grayer beard is, that's just an Abital fucking preference, I think, yeah, whatever your preference is.

It doesn't, like for, yeah, for the, I feel like for the norm, it's not like, wow, this guy would be so hot if he had a gray beard. It's not so much the gray beard as it is the beard and going gray in his hair. Yeah. No, the salt and pepper. You're aging gracefully. So it doesn't ever think you're making me blush, doesn't every man get grayer? So you can say that, yeah, everybody, every dude is going to be hotter as they go and

get older. Fine. This is bad unsolicited advice. Is that what you want me to say? Or is there another example of beyond just the grayness of it? Start dating, date someone who's aging. If you can find someone who's going to get old, lock that in. Me in 10 years.

Yeah. At a certain point, we get old on the other side of the hill, you know, not all guys just get hotter and hotter until they die. Yeah, or date them really old. They're about to expire. They have a lot of money. And a Nicole Smith style. Yeah.

Yeah. Then they're already gray. That's smart. It's not just their grayness. It's their anus. I always say that. That makes sense. Yeah.

So. What about the grayness in their anus? That's really good. Because like you have a lot of. Your asshole hair going gray. That's exactly it. No fucking chance. No way.

Exactly. Wow. Okay. That's pretty good. No. It was really bad. What's your unsolicited advice? My own solicited advice.

I did yesterday, seemingly by accident, but I feel like I could turn it, spin it into something that you can live your life by. When ordering at a restaurant, don't ever get a substitution. And I'll tell you what I did. We got a breakfast sandwich yesterday, or I did, and there were onions and peppers on it. Usually I would say no onions and peppers, but like you were ordering it. So I'm just like, ah, whatever, I'll get it with it.

And then I ate it as they intended. I'm like, this isn't that bad. I would not get it with it, but if it's already built into the sandwich, don't get a substitution. Expand your palate. See if you. Yeah. Because so often you're like, I don't like this. I don't like this.

I don't like this. And then 20 years go by and you're like, I guess I don't really know what this tastes like. But then you said, this isn't that bad as opposed to this is good. Yes. But maybe if I kept eating it, and it's always a little annoying to have to replace shit. Like every time you go to this place, I'm going to say no peppers, no peppers. That actually, it's happened to me with burgers.

I used to always say no pickles. And then at a certain point, I kind of forgot. And then I'm just like, I don't care if they're there, I can pick them off. And then, and now I stopped picking them off. And do you actively seek them out? I don't seek them out, but it's like, now I can, I can taste what a pickle is meant to do on a burger. And I feel like it's, it's given me a greater appreciation for food.

But the other thing that I would build off of yours by saying, if you, if you want to do a substitution, so say that sandwich, you didn't want the peppers. You order it as is. They give it to you. You say, oh, I didn't want this with peppers. You don't even say, I said no peppers. You just say, I didn't want this with peppers. And they, they will make you a new one and, and, or they'll offer to make you a new one.

You say, no, no, no, it's fine. And then they cop it. They don't. They'll cop it. They wouldn't. They would cop it. They'll cop it. They'll cop the second one, maybe.

Maybe they'll cop the second one and then they, maybe they don't throw the first one away. And you can only do that once per place because you, they would see and realize that you. In New York City, there's a million fucking places that I can go to. My superpower is free food. I don't know if we've ever talked about this. Interesting. And I've already had it happen in LA, in front of a group of people who can vouch for dessert.

How do you do it? It happened in New York as well a couple of days ago. It just happened. Oh wait, did I say LA? Yeah. And it happens all the time. I think I just get so excited about food that people are like, here you go. Oh yeah.

Yeah. That's good. That's good. This time it was also that we had a cool, well, I went, there, there's a place in LA, yes, right before I left, I was like, I've never been in here, which, and I hadn't. I was like, which, which drink do you like better? I wish I could have one for free. I didn't.

I didn't. I don't know where my wallet is. It's usually cookies and desserts. Yeah. And this girl that worked there, her name's Ellie, I asked after she gave me the free cookie because it was so nice. She gave me my drink and then she's like, and here on the house, and it was a cookie and it was so good.

And I was like, is this because it's my first time in? And she said, yeah, and because you're so nice and it felt so good. And then we went out to eat and our server, we were trying to figure out where in New York, where he was from, Russia, his name's Ivan, but he like spoke some Hebrew and Russian and Portuguese and English. He spoke like five languages. So we said, like, thank you in Hebrew. And then he tried to clear my plate a few times and I was like, I don't think so.

I'm still working on that because I like food. And then he just like brought out a little like thing of dessert package for me and was like, here you go. I don't know. Right in front of me. For free. Yeah. I think just because I get so excited about the food, don't you dare clear my fucking

plate. I'm still working on it. I can get free dessert by just saying that something with the dinner was wrong. Wrong. The peppers thing. That's not under cooked. That's not the spirit of what I said. You say like, I think the steak was on your cookie, you say, I think I'm feeling sick.

The advantage of people's kindness. I am saying expand your palate slash horizon. Yeah. And then I was just trying to brag about getting free food under the guise of it being advised. And I'm merging those two ideas. Oh, you're taking a hard left with expanding your palate. Sometimes I'll do a grub hub for a pizza on an expired credit card.

And when they arrive, they're like, actually the card expires, but I have this, but you have to pay for it. People come out of my salary and I'll take the pie and I'll say, can I get you back right this second? I'm just going to go inside and I'll give you cash for it. You lock the door and then pretend to fall asleep. So they have to just eventually leave. You get the free pizza.

No, they can just take it, which is another good option is you sign up to be like a delivery driver and then you just house the food. Yeah. Yeah. He says no. Like you would get fired maybe after one or two, but you know there's so many different apps. Yeah.

You bounce around. I'll do a grub hub here, a seamless there, eat 24, caviar, door dash, Uber eats. Wow. That was impressive. Just rattling them off. I fucking know them all because I have them all and I work at the mall. Okay. Let's try to answer another question.

We'll try. This is a 20 year old man from Virginia. Nice. Got a name for us. I immediately thought of Paul Shore, but maybe we switched. It's a guy's name. So we'll go with Paul Shore, not to be confused with Paul Shore, which is the female name of a guy.

Of course. Paulson Shore. Paulson Shore writes, I'm 20 year old man from Virginia and I have a bit of a dilemma. I thought I might as well come to you guys for advice. I recently went out with a girl that I'm really interested in. We hit it off fairly quickly and I genuinely felt like things were going well between us. This is the guy from the previous day, but his handle of it. We ended up making out in her truck at the end of the night, which for two Mormons is

basically the equivalent of hooking up. After that, I thought things would continue moving forward, but the strangest thing just happened. She called me up two days later to get my advice on how to ask out another guy. Whoa. Am I wrong for thinking this is weird? I mean, I wasn't under the impression that we were dating now, but I definitely thought we were past the can I get advice on other guys' phase of our relationship.

Should I continue to pursue this girl or should I just accept that she's not really interested? Thanks in advance. Sincerely, Paul. That's wild. That is. What was the opening that they were friends first? No. They went on a date.

They went on a date. Went on a date and made out. That is so odd. So to answer the first question, we think it's odd. We agree with Paul here. Yeah. Maybe she's like being like a little defensive and like, I'm going to just pretend like it was no big deal.

In fact, can you help me get on a dating app or help me hook up with guys? And then it's like, that way I can't get my heart broken because it's like so casual and I'm beating into the punch. Or she just didn't like him at the end of the date. And this is her weird way of letting him know. But then she wouldn't ask her his advice. Or she likes him a lot and this is her way of fucking getting him jealous. Yeah.

It seems like either hard left or hard right. Did you wait two days to call her or something and she's like, okay, he doesn't like me. I'm going to talk about somebody else. Or it's like, I don't know how to let him know that I don't like him. And then her friend's like, ask her advice about a different guy and then he'll get the hint. So it's like, definitely she really likes you or she really doesn't. Like.

Yeah. I think this is weird. He's like, what do you say? Am I the only one that? This is weird. No. Am I weird for thinking? Am I?

You're not weird for thinking this. It is weird. But I don't think it's a cut and run situation because she might be trying to get him excited or interested. Yeah. I think this is a see it through. This is a like, maybe she is genuinely asking about another guy. Maybe she's like, who knows?

We've pontificated on her reasons for doing this. But if you still like her, then I think it's at least worth pursuing it and not giving her advice on how to date someone else. Yeah. Do you say like, I don't want to get it. I don't want to give you advice because I'm interested in you. Or do you like, well, I like it when chicks don't ask me for advice. So I would start there.

Yeah. I feel like. It's always easy to say on the outside, but it seems like a situation where you could just be like, Hey, just wondering what's going on here because we made out and I thought it was good. And you're asking me about other guys. So do you only want to be friend? But also like they don't have an existing friendship.

So that's weird. Is it weird to be so honest? Does that ruin the game? Yeah. I think you just, I would say, here's how I would ask, do you want to go to a movie this Friday? Speaking of, do you want to go to a movie this Friday? Classic.

That's good. I'm going to do something along those. And she's like, that's perfect. I'll go to a movie with him. Hey, just an update. We're making out. I saw you at a movie preview show up and walk by the guy. Directness is a really great move, though.

I mean, I don't know because people do play games, but I was talking to me about a friend now who's like married and has a kid and great, happy, good, good person. He deserves it. And we went out a few times and then he was like, Hey, I like you and I don't know where you're at. I agree that directness is good, but there's a time and I think it's later. It's after at least two or three dates, like one day make out in a truck and then go straight to what's going on.

Well, I know you were asking like that, a voice memo. What happened to us? I thought we kissed, but you're right because you could try to ask it all casually and you come out sounding like that, especially over text. I think it's really, I don't know. It's so hard, but I think that joke move is good. I would like it for this. Also, do you want to do this?

Something like that or yeah, who fucking knows? But I think I agree with directness, but I feel like there's like, there's some kind of like X axis, you know, for how long you should wait before. So like there's a way to playfully bring up the fact that you're still into it without saying, What are we babe? Let's define our relationship and also not being completely like, I like to say that when you're asking a guy out to make a time and place. Why didn't you do that with me though?

Okay. Let's take another Brock. That's how I say break now. I'd like a follow up pup on this. Yeah. See what happened. How often does that happen that you get to follow up? Very rarely.

It also could happen a lot. We just don't check. That's true too. But this one is a new question. Give the break. Check right follow up pup in our email and our Gmail and see if we can, if we have one. But we'll be right back. Yes.

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And we have returned. Hey, hey. Act three. I'll be tall. Do you have any unsolicited advice? No. Just joking. That was just the act too.

Could you imagine if I just threw you that right now again? Did you look at our email to see if we had any follow up pups from that person? No, just in general. I want to know if someone followed up pups. What's pups? What's that about? I don't know why. You just like to say it?

Okay. I like it. It's some holdover from when we said we should do follow ups. Yeah. I think we that's what we would call it. Follow up. Oh yeah. I think we said to call it follow up pup so we can search for it, which is what we're

doing now. Yes, there are a few and I don't remember. Are any of them unread? Yeah, most of them. Wow. Yeah. We'll see. There we go.

Let's fucking. Let's let's see one. Let's listen to one. Yeah. Yeah. But now I don't even remember what the original question was. All right. I have a question about asking out a bartender.

So we need a guy who goes to a bar's name. Imagine a guy that bar... Bar Raffaelli. Nice. Nice. Bar writes, there's a bartender at my favorite bar that I'm digging. We seem to flirt a good amount while I'm there, but I'm also hyper aware that she could probably is just doing her job.

Is it ever a good idea to ask out a bartender? Well, it could be a good way to ask her out without ruining my favorite bar if she says no. Yeah, that's tough. I think you leave a note on a receipt and then if she doesn't call, you never address it. Interesting. Does that not ruin the bar?

Because you set the bar pretty low, but if she didn't respond, then is the bar... Well, you're just going like, hey, I think you're cute if you think I'm cute. Tick this box. No, just like here's my number. And then if she doesn't call, she doesn't have to directly reject you and you just can keep going there, I think that's fine. It's a thin line between somebody who's being nice to you for their job and somebody who's just being nice to you for real.

I agree, but that's why we can leave them alone. I don't think the line is that thin. I think it's very thick on the just being nice to you because it's their job side. But there are some bartenders that are not necessarily that pleasant. Yeah. I agree. But I think that it's more likely than not that this is like, well, I guess like watch how she is with other customers.

But also like, I don't know, you could just be a friendly bartender that you work for tips. Your tips are sort of dependent on being nice to people, but that also you're still a human who has crushes on people. And that might be this person. And I've known people that were bartenders that liked their patrons before. Yeah. I've seen that and I had friends that dated bartenders that they met at the bar.

But I still think it's just, if you like the bar, it will ruin the bar. You can't come back. Well, you have to make your move knowing that if you don't get the response, you basically can't drink there. I don't know that it's true because there was somebody that I thought was cute. I don't remember. I wish I could remember how he went about it. He went out on a date.

He also went out on a date with somebody else that worked at the same restaurant and he still kept going in. Wow. And it was fine. He dated you and a co-worker? I wouldn't say he dated either of us, but went out with each of us once. Oh my God. Interesting.

Yeah. So that's different than like, we went out on a date, like there was a mutual attraction. There was like, you didn't say no. He wasn't rebuffed. Right. So there's something to being rejected, but it also, though it does depend if you leave the note or if you ask Graut, it depends how she rejects you. I think that, so what I'm responding to more is if you write a note and she never calls

you or talks to you, I don't think I could go in there and have a normal life. I think if I was like, Hey, we should get a drink sometime, you know, not at this bar, whatever. And she was like, Oh, I'm like, not. I think you're ugly. Then just a cider then. Did you guys ever get the pair? It's like, if you get a nice rejection, that's like, I have a, maybe like I have a boyfriend

or something. She just doesn't address it. You don't know. Maybe she's in a relationship. Maybe she's gay. Maybe she doesn't like you, but either way, you just continue. Well, if she's in a relationship or gay, great. You guys can continue on as normal.

But can't you just pretend to pick? I don't like you. Then I think you have to find a new bar. You can't drink whiskey from her anymore is what you're saying. Why? Cause you could, you could be like, I think this person is cute. She's not into me. I still like this bar.

That's a very healthy attitude. Yeah. Thank you. I wouldn't be able to like the bar. Cause the whole bar thing is some an asshole. Reek of rejection. Come get a drink at rejection bar where the waitresses all reject you. The one tricky part about leaving a note, I guess, is it's possible she misses it somehow

and then in your head. That's where you can justify it when she doesn't respond. But then you're, I just feel like if you're having good conversation, good banter, you're really getting along with someone, you ruin it by then you'll never know if she saw it or not. I mean, you could preface it with no pressure. I know that this is your job, but would you like to go out sometime? Yeah.

I'm more for asking direct than the note because the notes to Craven, when you're a friend of hers, when you guys are like friends, when you're like, there's something dangerous about, maybe you get a number because there's something dangerous about like asking her out when she's at her job because like she's like on the spot plus working. So it's like, ah, I have to deal with you now. And then also, I'll tell you what I would do is whether or not I like the person I would be like, sure, because if I like them, then yeah, I want you to have my number. And if I don't, I just feel weird and freeze up and go, sure.

And then just don't ever like take you up on plans to hang out. Have you done that before? Yeah. Were you working? Was it like a hostess waitress situation where a guy asked you out? Yeah. Well, I think, well, there were a couple of times where people gave me their number and I just never.

On receipt? Right. On like a piece of paper. I just never called. That's better than ask. Like if you are your friends with the bartender and you ask her for her number, that puts somebody on the spot too much. I think you say, can I give you my number in case you ever want to do anything?

That's good. That's like, even if she's, it's not making her be like, you know, divulge personal information that you could then fucking get in touch with her. It's like, take my number. She can say yes and just throw it away. Yeah. Am I wrong in thinking that you guys are taking questions a lot more seriously than you used to?

I feel like it was only joke answers and we've been really honoring these questions. Oh, really? I think I've always answered the question's perfect. I feel like I might be like, you fart and then if she farts in your face. That's really good. Wait. Can we actually talk? Let me take that.

Great agranuses. That's true. All right. Let's pretend like you didn't. I'll cut that part out. So when you fart, imagine then she farts back and that's how you know she likes you. If you fart out and it farts back, it's yours. That's how you know.

And that's, now people know they're listening to our podcast. Time's just moving on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. These are good guys. Thank you. I like how considered this is though. This is a pretty woke response where you're like, I don't want to make her uncomfortable on the job.

I like what you guys are doing. We turned it on for the show. You should hear us fucking railing into these fucking losers. And I will cut this part out, but off Mike, I'll be like, I'll say the P word, I'll call this guy a pussy off Mike. I swear, like I don't really care about that kind of shit, but like when we're talking about this, I'll just cut this whole part out. But when we talk about it, it's important to be like, let's, yeah, let's make sure that

everyone's comfortable and shit like that. Oh yeah. Jesus Christ. I see. No, wait, that's, now I'm singing an actual Louis Armstrong. Okay. What about Tom DeLong singing? It's a wonderful life.

Let's hear it. I thought we already did that. We did it the other way around. Oh, that's right. Yeah. That's right. I see clouds of blue. Red roses, Joe.

I can definitely hear a punk remix of that song, maybe not by Blink, but it exists. Yeah. I think it does. This is Robinson one. There's so many fucking, I was so into punk covers when I first got like Kuzah. Yeah. When you first just go, holy shit, you can hear the song you like as a punk. That's the best thing.

Just like any new, any like song, I would just be like, what's the punk cover of that? What was your other favorite? I liked the glory of love. Cause I am the man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the eater. There's a new found glory, never ending story. Never ending story! I feel like I've heard that one.

Yeah, that was a good one. I like the sad covers. Like so the song is happy but then the cover instead of punk is like a sad version. There's like a sad version of hit me baby one more time. Really? Oh yeah, I like the moody covers too. That's nice. Like iron and wine.

Yeah. Although there was that iron and wine, I love iron and wine but there was a death cab cover that people loved and I was like, I don't know, I feel like you could just have the death cab version. Yeah. Oh yeah. The one that was in Garden State. Garden State.

Yeah. I mean I guess it is good. I love iron and wine. Yeah. At the time I was just like, the original is good. Don't fuck with it. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean death cab is basically already there. Yeah. You know? Like they just slowed it down a little bit. Yeah, exactly. It's like not a huge shift. Yeah. It's like 182 cover band in New York tonight.

Is there? I was trying to convince Amir to go because you're going to be at that bachelor rep party. That sounds fun. I know. What was that cover band that we went to New Haven, remember? Like after a show that was a famous, was it Sublime? Oh yeah, it was Bad Fish. Yeah.

Oh, fun. It's like a famous cover band for Sublime, right? Yeah. We actually saw them once, this was like, we used to always go when I was like in high school and college, we'd go to the Bad Fish show at Toad's place. So they're famous for being in New York. Yeah. That's so fun.

But then when we were in Nantucket one year, they were just like, happened to be playing there too. So Jill and I went with like some of her friends and she got wasted and was just like yelling for them to play Santoria. Like, Santoria! For such a long time. Jill won? Yeah.

At one point she was like standing in the corner, yelling Santoria, and then like they came off stage for a break and Jill talked to the bassist and he was like, we have to save that song for last, otherwise people will leave. She's like, I know, that's why I want you to play so I can go home. They hurt her. They hurt her every time. And they know in their hearts. They couldn't do it.

Not yet. Not yet. We have to play the wrong way eight times and then Santoria. There's a lot of sublime hits. The titular line up. The Santoria's thing. Tell me are you a bad fish too? Is that from Santoria?

No, I can't remember. Oh. No, that's not from Santoria. I don't think. Tell me you're a bad fish too. Who knows if I'm weak? Won't somebody get me off of this? That's the song.

Tell me are you a bad fish? Oh, so they're named after a lyric in a sublime. Of course they are. What else would it be? They'd have to be. That's why I wouldn't fit into that concert. Something that sublime did that I think is wrong, frankly, just wrong, is usually you're like high listening to them.

Yeah. And then at least one of their songs has sirens in it. And I remember being stuck driving around in Miami and being like, I'm getting pulled over here. The riot song. The riot song. The riot song. The riot song.

The riot song. The riot song. The riot song. The riot song. The riot song. The riot song. Oh, Joe Gustov. The riot song.

The riot song. The riots on the streets of Miami. The riots on the streets of Long Beach. Is that what it says? Because I would be in Miami driving. He's obsessed with riot. You can't put fucking sirens on a Stoner album? Yeah, it's true.

It's really scary. Wrong. All right. Sweet, Avi-tal, what do you have to promote, plug, push or punish? Can you believe it? We're done almost an hour. No. Time flies when you're enjoying.

I got more questions to answer. You should tell her you love her. Next question. Fart on her. Fart on her. I'm farting this. Fart in her direction. Next question.

Buy her a baguette. Next question. No sirens. These are next answers. We haven't asked anything else. You're just giving different suggestions for this one question. No, I'm imagining other questions.

Well, you can save it for the Jill and Abital spin-off podcast. Once we're done with this show, you guys can do like. Santeria. It would be fun to get all four of us, but she's busy. She's doing cool things. She has an actual job, unfortunately. Mrs. Jake Hurwitz is too cool for us.

That's cool that she took your first and last name. I never congratulated you on that. Does she have your name? Yeah, she goes by Mrs. Jacob. Jillian Jacobs now. Isn't that an actor? Jillian Jacobs? Yeah, Gillian Jacobs.

Also, I don't know if Amir told you this. It's probably not that exciting, but I thought it was cool. Amir put together, you guys are the J's, we're the A's, but we're in our birthdays are in the J months, and your birthdays are in the A months. Oh, interesting. That's right, July, January for us, and April, August for you guys.

That's very interesting. Yeah, I did a lot of like, kind of interesting sketches, too. Do you show them the canvas paintings? I saw those. Shock on blood. That's actually Jake is an NFT, so there's this one with a tie around his head, or this one where he's pink, or this one where he has a bone in his mouth.

It's a good Jake colorway. Very good. That's a rare trait, yes. Whoa, Jinx. Mike Mills. Jinx. Jinx, that's when you say the same thing as Jake. I still ask people to check out antisocial distance,

because it took a lot of time. And then can I say fun things, and then you just beep them, because then that's fun for me? Sure. Because I don't know if I'm allowed to say these things yet, but I'm supposed to be in a beep. There's a beep that goes there. And then I'm going to be in beep, beep that out.

And I feel like there's something else. There's certainly I'm doing other cool things, right? You have to. I mean, those are three great things. Thank you, I only said two. Oh, no, antisocial, you're right, thank you. I'm going to believe antisocial distance. Believe it all just so it's consistent.

And then I have a show tonight that got canceled, because of the rain. That's right. So do that. So come to that show in a different dimension. You can travel back in time to Thursday and stop the story on the show. You could see that.

Thank you. Thanks so much. You guys begged me to have me back on, and it was really a pain in my ass. I think you did well. I think you persevered through it. Yeah, people will really, really, really appreciate your time and patronage on the show tonight.

Oh my gosh. No, I really wanted to. I beg to come back. Thanks for having me back. The audience. The audience begged more than anybody. We all read the comments, people. OK, so thanks for listening.

We'll be back next Monday or maybe Thursday. Yeah, there's a bonus Thursday this week. Yeah. Then you can watch more of our stuff on Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. Ja! Avi Tal is actually in a Jake and Amir rewatch episode. That's true.

Watch us. Watch us. Jill's in an episode of that. That's true. Correct. My speech at Jake's wedding is on there. That's correct. Whoa.

Lots of love for our lives. Hundreds and hundreds of videos on patreon.com slash JA. It's the beginning of the month. It's the best time to get into it. Correct. So get into it. Yes. And we'll see you soon enough.

Oh my god, another wrap. I'm freezing. Oh wait, the closing theme song. The opening one was written by Lorne. Right. And this closing one is written by Tim. Nice memory. Thank you.

Tim, song, tune, badger. What is it if I were you? Tell me, are you a badger too? It's about, I wish. This is one almond. Let's see. It's a one almond themed. Nice.

At least that's what it's called in my, it's been a long year. All right. Yes. Timothy Standifer. Timmy again with another original theme song submission. And yes, the cue is still silent. I'm proud of this one. The beat, the lyrics, production, and vocals were done by me.

If you want, you can shout out my music, which is under my artist name Timmy. And there's a cue in there. So T-I-Q-M-M-Y. Because the cue is silent. Because he's trying to silence cue. And this is what I was telling you guys about. You can't silence cue.

The more you hard to try to silence a naan. Because he's not a naan. You're not supposed to talk politics. A naan, a naan, a naan, a naan, a naan. All right. Thank you, Timmy. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks to AviTal for coming on the show.

Thank you, antisocialdistance.com. I didn't say the website before, so I'm squeezing it in now. Smart, antisocialdistance.com. We'll see you soon. Bye. Bye. Bye. It's good to be the king.

You shouldn't be doing that. Huh? You should not be doing that. Relax, dude. It's not a joint. Besides, I can afford it. No, I mean, like, it's illegal to smoke in buildings in New York City.

Shit, really? God damn it. Fuck. Cannot afford that. Not today. I don't want to get in trouble. Why do you have one of those? Huh?

Why do you have that? Now that I'm a rich bitch, I can pretty much buy whatever I want. And one of the things you wanted was a tiny little folding fence? Yeah. How are you rich? Great question. Never mind.

How many almonds would you say is the perfect amount? I said never mind. Honest, I were you. Honest, I were you. Honest, I were you. Honest, I were you. Honest, I were you. Honest, I were you.

Yeah. Honest, I were you. Honest, I were you. OK. If I were you, you'll listen right here. A pocket's from Hegum by Jake in the Mirror. We got golden mics. We got turkeys, too.

Clearly, this has to be if I were you. You send in your questions, they answer them quick. They'll even go dickless for the Michael Chick. They may not be qualified to do this job, but I guess it's working, so don't be a snob. I might fuck around, move into Raven's Nest. Probably listen to some Naptot Q up that shit next. Maybe grab some lunch with Serge, see what he's up to.

But on my way down to the strip I'm listening to, if I were you. And how can we forget that they got their old IP back? Making new videos, they're clearly back on track. I'd love to see a cameo from Emily or Murph. Maybe Pat and Rosie could come try them, some will turf. Regardless of what they do, they won't fuck it up, because if they do, they will be hubering from us.

What is it about one almond that's just... Perfect. Nothing. It's bad. Don't you see? It's bad. OK, because it's more than just a domain name I built. I'm building an empire.

Well, right now the website's just a photo of you holding a single walnut. Almond. No, it's not. That was a Hegum Original.