If I Were You - 505: Bad Haircut

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

In this episode we discuss teaching math, housewarming gifts, and Amir's trip to New York City. Check out our sponsor MyBookieSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Yeah, how you feeling tonight? I am not feeling good. Jake and I start recording, instantly a bag of shit. I just want a turdy, so I'm feeling like a bag of shit. Go to make a comment and my tongue is stuck. OMG, guess I really suck. Jake says I'm near you're such a fucking useless fuck.

Are you feeling what I'm feeling? I haven't had a golden mic in eight damn years. Staring at this turdy and wishing all this hurting would turn to tears. But it all ends in tears. I'm not really feeling like going to clubs. So let's say you feel. Well, I feel like turds. Feeling like a massive crappy sack of turds.

Big ol motherfuckin duffel bag of turds. Yeah. All day. All turds. I'm not really feeling like go into clubs. Tell us how you're feeling. I'm feeling like turds. Ladies...

Yeah. You still feel like turds. Tell me do you feel like turds? Yeah. Fellas... Do you feel like turds? Yeah. Tell me do you feel like turds?

Yeah. Ladies... Do you feel like turds? Tell me do you feel like turds? Yeah. Fellas... yeah. Do you feel like turds?

Tell me do you feel like turds? Yeah. Tell me do you feel like turds? Yeah. during the do you feel like turds part that was a parody of Bo Burnham's shit love it love it what a show what it's called turds about our turdy awards the ones that I sometimes receive and you sometimes receive I don't know if I've ever got maybe I gave myself one month yeah but by Tony Tony Tony big fan but

newish fan I've only discovered you a few months ago whoa yeah I didn't that's rare I didn't really know that that existed did yeah that's great so he's just like a fan of our podcast recently I didn't it's why I never really thought about that making it feels like from the beginning we've we've had an aversion to making new fans yeah early on I said no new friends yeah I've only thought about sort of keeping the fans that we made in 2006 sort of engaged and interested yeah that's I never I never realized that we could in theory be actually tapping into new fandom as a way of growing traffic and interest it

seems rare it definitely seems rare so we'd have to like do publicity promo marketing and sort of reach comedy fan like I don't know how it works really we'd have to change our sense of humor because I feel like we appeal to like the niche crowd yeah we'd have to find like broader appeal yeah you know and I don't want to do that either like we're not letting work I mean I can't believe somebody started listening a few months ago and and dove in on the golden mic bit which I think has been for years that didn't alienate I guess I should Tony right away we should ask this guy how we how we discovered our podcast and if he

even knows we made videos right that'd be cool he says you can refer to him as DJ tone McCone that would be awesome love it from Salem mass nice yeah old Salem they call it PS if you aren't watching Ted Lasso you really should that's my unsolicited advice okay I've actually not enjoyed the second season as much as the first let me be the first person to say that wow you're really going on record is saying that bomb drop you know season's not over yet I think there have been some good episodes some bad you more well never work in the Holly weird ever again after that leaks that's basically your death sentence

leaks what are you talking about leaks I'm gonna put that in the show and ever why I said it in the show I said it on the show don't this isn't got you a journalism that's my fucking public opinion okay okay all right and by the way I love this season I think this season is great I would love an opportunity to write for season 3 is all that's all all right I'm back in Los Angeles after visiting you in New York City what do you think beautiful this time of year it was only one hurricane while you were here that feels that's it was a tale of two trips I was there for like eight days it was like four days

before the storm four days after the storm and then after the storm was just bright sunny dry perfect California weather in the New York environment best of both worlds it's really it's really something you have no no yeah like three weeks out of the year it's perfect it's absolutely stunning is it back to the raining mode yet or I mean yesterday was also really perfect it's a little dreary today there's it's the it's raining but tomorrow 75 and sunny yes we're back went on a I went on a bike ride 75 and sunny great wow good time so I guess if I came back it'd have to be like September October April May yeah those

are the times those are definitely the times yeah and you're recording in the room I stayed in yes I'm recording in a mirrors room that's what we call it now my wife and I did you notice that I left you with little a little trophy underneath the the couch that you're sitting on yeah I smelled it when you I think you did it early on in your day I should I shouldn't have done it in night one that's true but yeah I left you a little you know I gave you the turdy the problem is I fucking you know I sleepwalk and stuff right yeah so I ended up thinking it was a bonbon no that doesn't sound like you sleepwalk

then that's a that sounds like you you I sleep you know shit you have to I sleep it's a bonbon to think it's a bonbon that almost signals that you woke up became aware you saw the shit and you missed shake your bonbon shake your bonbon you ate poop I ate my own shit yeah will Steven style thank you yeah a lot of highlights we shot some episodes we hung out we made some tiktoks we really generated a lot of content we really did we recorded we record we recorded a podcast of some variety every single day we shot three Jake and Amir videos we made tiktok videos we did a Instagram live yeah we were we were back

to our old ways we were back to our old form I think for a week this is why I didn't happen like you have we were prolific you have to move here man what are you talking about I did move there I moved there for ten years then we left and then I moved yeah and I moved to LA for five and now I'm back right feels it feels fair to expect you to spend five years in New York City you left you left LA why would you left New York what are you talking about it doesn't matter about who leaves it's about who comes back who returns you know me in ten years it's not about who leaves it's about who returns yeah how it got there you know

thing I will I'll do this I'll let's choose a new city then we both have to suffer a little bit fine New Haven it's so close to New York it's worse than New York because it's further north and it's not even the city same weather too it's a great city Philip Philadelphia still close too close to New York I'm talking about like someplace in between someplace in the mountain or central time zone I don't I will go to Boston but I don't want that's not it that's not I want to I think it's important that we're on the northeast coast I want to be an easy train ride to the city of course yeah and I'm saying

that if we're gonna do this if we're gonna both sacrifice equally should be like we're moving to fucking Dallas or something why do we both have to sacrifice equally why couldn't you sacrifice more that's what I'm saying it's unfair if I sacrifice more unfair to who to you you maybe no to me yeah to me so unfair to me I sacrifice I think it's the lesser of two evils to do something that's only unfair to one of us instead of to both don't you think I want to do half half unfair for both of us half unfair I'll move to it doesn't happen to the Queen's it can be closer to the it could be Chicago or

something I mean I would do Melbourne so like we could live in Australia that would be cool that's cool all right I'll do that really that we can make shit again yeah without you fucking zoom it up would you spend a year in Australia with me yeah probably I have no obligations anywhere it's kind of sick as long as I can Airbnb my house and sort of make a profit it really has to be a money-making opportunity for me to consider it a business expense yes a business expense in an entrepreneur your little spirit has to imbue the entire affair in order for me to make cash in a way that year I fucking love it you

won't do it you won't do it put your house on Airbnb put your house on Airbnb if you get if you get a bite a bite for one then we start looking no yeah well yeah you have to get no you showed when it's all available you know you start you start seeing that it's a profit that there's you know that's a money cash flow positive it's a cash cow it's a cash cow and I'm gonna move cow move all the way to Melbourne Australia then we yeah then we go and spend a year in Melbourne and we make videos who says no who says go I guess Jill would be against it cuz she has like a job in New York and she wouldn't see you for a

year well she would come she oh I see that's cool but yeah that mobile yeah no she's not yeah she would I well I would you know the like fair to who thing I would have that conversation with her yeah basically beg borrow and steal her heart right get her to move to Melbourne we'll figure it out we'll figure it out on the day yeah you just moved into a new place in New York you already considering just packing up and moving 30,000 miles away I bet I could Airbnb this spot for a fucking pretty penny that's what I'm saying like if we just never lived anywhere and only Airbnb'd we would make money and like have

a house yes exactly that's what it would be we would make money and be not with a house so all the cash but then also like we're camping or something so think affordable mm-hmm something fun cheap and affordable yeah all right so that was DJ tone McCone and this is us if I were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by me and Josh I'm hi I'm Josh I got a real quickie a real quickie to get us started nice love that it's kind of a long email but the question is fairly straightforward so why don't we just give this guy a real quick name what's the shortest name you can think of Bo Bo writes he's basically been jerking it to

his friends photos if that makes sense he's a gay dude who's jerking it to a picture of a straight guy friend that he's kind of close with should I feel guilty about this is there a mortal line he asked that I've crossed here by using photos that aren't posted publicly hmm I think the question sort of begs the answer as it were should I feel guilty he already does he does feel guilty that's why he's emailing us and asking for the advice hmm interesting so he's hoping for he wants us to clear his conscience he wants absolution which I will not give I don't it's not illegal you know you can go anywhere in your

brain in your mind I think that it's it's uncouth it's it's something that you wouldn't want your friends to know no but at the same time they'll have no way of finding out would you feel offended if someone was jaying oh to a picture of you I wouldn't care I don't think I would care so I guess you could ask your friend but also I feel like there's you know some people absolutely would they're definitely it goes different ways I think maybe you think so well yes I'm sure that if any of my female friends if I did that it would be very upset so yeah I could see that I can see that well I don't know I mean when you

said it it sounded right but then like I'm thinking about it maybe they'll be flattered I don't think so I guess there's no way to find out we should have asked this question when Apital or Jill were on that we have it absolutely needs a female perspective but this is a gay guy asking about other straight guys so actually we are more we are more of the authority on answering his question yeah we just have to imagine put in our shoes a gay guy saying he looks at pictures of me and Jayzo yeah and for me I guess I would be fine with that I still don't think that you part of the reason why you must like it is that it's

a little forbidden and that's a little it's a little cheeky if not more than cheeky so it's not just I don't know this is a weird question because I think he he let he feels guilty he likes it he likes the rush I don't even know what the questions is the more is there a is it a morally gray area yes it is so do you not do it anymore do you do it and ask or do you just keep doing it and not mention anything I mean I don't know what would you do I would not ask I would continue doing it it's fine it's like fucking policing our thoughts we can't do it I'm gonna J.O. to whoever I want to J.O. you can't fucking tell me not to

fantasize about people man it completely doesn't affect the person right I mean it's I think of all of the I'm not telling the guy to stop that was that you farted you just ripped ass again I was hoping you either couldn't hear or I was no I heard it yeah actually I heard it again that was half of it that was a half that was only half yeah go ahead that's a turdy that's a fucking turdy of course that's a turdy it's a literal turdy you fucking sharded your pants on the podcast you don't expect that award that shame dude that was tacky I wasn't even fucking leave it in you left the last one in twice two times you broke wind two

times you should say so yeah ask don't ask don't tell I think I mean I I don't think that it's asking seems bizarre I wouldn't go so far as to tell him to stop either I think what's happening is kind of what's gonna happen you're doing it you feel a little weird about it which you should ultimately it's fine but is it yeah but ultimately it's fine I know I personally would not care yeah same alright let's take a break answer some more questions on the other side of these massages nice thank you to Helix sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yes thank you for making the sleep test the sleep exam and letting

me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress yes yeah so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you mm-hmm yeah right Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz I don't sleep for the better part I do not I do not brag I don't brag about completing it I brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great or yeah I got the perfect mattress thank God thank God I took that test that's right and if you want the perfect mattress you can go to helix sleep comm slash if I were you for 20% off all

mattress orders and two free pillows amazing free pillows come on yes this is their best offer yet and no it won't last long with helix the better sleep starts now so regardless of how you sleep whether you like it soft medium or firm helix is 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one and if you go to helix sleep comm slash if I were you that's 20% off amazing thank you helix sleep well and we're back don't have unsolicited advice this episode but I did want to sort of delve deep into the low light of my trip which I sort of mentioned to you in

passing that's right you did you were I was like in an antique store upstate when you called and told me the story so I actually didn't retain very much of it I okay great just know yeah you will you I'll let you have the floor so the day we all be tall and I were in New York for a wedding which was the day before Labor Day on Sunday so I'm like oh well she's getting ready with the ladies I'll get a haircut plenty of barber shops in Brooklyn this is you texted me you text me where should I get my hair cut and I gave you a great recommendation which I did not follow I had to get my hair cut at alright to be at the wedding

at five and it was like one so I'm like all right I have four hours to get a haircut but then I went to the place you recommended and they were busy until five so I couldn't get there all right I'm glad that you went yeah cutter barber shout out so then I went to a different place should I say the name like this whole I guess the whole thing I want to get into is it was such a negative nasty experience to me that I like almost had to journal about it and it turned into a Yelp review that I haven't necessarily left yet I was gonna sort of read it to you right and then we can decide together whether I should be leaving this

Yelp review or not whether it's good to even leave a negative Yelp review mm-hmm yeah that's true okay yeah let's hear it so this is what I wrote today just free-flowing letting my thoughts come out of me it tells the story of what went wrong at this barber shop mm-hmm so as I'm reading this Yelp review feel free to interrupt ask questions whatever you got it okay here we go and this is what I would potentially leave on this page what's your Yelp username I don't know if I have one I've never left a Yelp review wow yeah I'm not sure if this is going to be a Yelp review or a journal that will help me work through my

feelings about place mm-hmm but either way I feel like this is a necessary piece of mental journalism if only for myself let me start by saying the haircut was fine wow yeah your hair looks fine your hair looks totally normal it's a little messy today but yeah overall the haircut itself was fine it was not like bad in that way so then you sort of wonder what ways could it have been so bad if the haircut ended up fine right but life as we know is about the journey it seemed as though the regular barber who I figured out is named Eli was either busy or suffering from COVID that day and left his little brother maybe whose

name I didn't get in charge of the entire barber shop Eli has some sort of anti-mask ideology that's either real because it made it way made its way onto other Yelp reviews or is completely unfounded and thus I apologize basically a bunch of people have left comments on Yelp saying he refused to wear a mask got it but Eli this guy wasn't there Eli who's the only barber listed on the website was not at the barbershop when I was so that's why and you assume he got COVID because of the anti-mask thing yes nice now as for the antagonist of our story this man or child whatever a 38 year old calls a

22 year old is seemingly rushed over from his first day at barbershop school to open this place up he had just gotten the syllabus and had to head out because his uncle or cousin Eli wasn't able to work that day a Sunday in Brooklyn the most popular day in place to get a haircut now I don't claim to be good at everything there are plenty of situations and jobs I would also be completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing and again the haircut was fine but our anti-hero while decent at cutting hair was completely over his head and scared at every other little thing that it takes to run a barbershop which

you don't even think about until they're being done poorly so here's the story yeah I want to know what those things are I walked into a barbershop and I was told I would be next just a few minutes if I wanted to stick around and have a beer gotta have a beer it's 2 p.m. and a barbershop nice so I told she exactly I told our man or kid or whatever who was currently cutting somebody else's hair that I would take a lap around the block in return that would to the person that whose hair he was cutting did that did that look like it was a normal thing like totally normal totally fine like I nothing felt

a missy yet except as he was cutting his hair as I was leaving he also picked up the phone because again he was doing everything no Eli in sight COVID who's to say upon my return for my small stroll I was told that somebody else was actually ahead of me in line could you possibly just wait it won't take long not sure how I got cut in line but this is a barbershop after all so I guess cuts are par for the course haha love it I tell this intern slash boss that I'll go get lunch and be back in an hour I spend the next hour on Yelp walking to other barbershops that were either too busy or too closed to cut my hair so you

didn't get lunch I did not get lunch I see you said I'm gonna get lunch I'll be right back you tried to go elsewhere I tried to hopefully never come back yeah mmm yeah because that was all you could do I was getting a weird vibe from the guy was like I have to cut his hair but it'll be really quick and it's like okay something's weird it's happening but sure our overwhelmed main character who is like Roberto Benini pretending to cut hair to escape Nazis is still working on our main man who either cut me or was ahead of me legally so I take a seat I proceed to wait another 45 minutes oddly slow but maybe our client has a

particular set of needs so I can't quite understand how it's now 3 30 instead of 2 p.m. but it's now my turn to get a haircut so an hour and a half has gone by and he's cut one person's hair at this point I'm in the worst place on earth to be in a rush stuck in a chair next to somebody who I can only assume is the host of a hidden camera game show in which contestants like me who are very mellow and not anxious at all are pushed to their patient limits for fun and cash our Joker's nerves heart rate and face resemble somebody who's disarming a bomb as he cuts my hair or helping their wife give birth in an

elevator as he begins to chop me up I hope for a quick haircut than a beard trim neither of which happened the razor hurts as he pushes it into my temple a small but forgivable mistake the scissors occasionally cut my ear oopsie my god we sit in silence as he breathes so the haircut wasn't fine it turned out fine but the process of it was bad yeah pained I mean a painful haircut's not yeah that's bad it was like pressing into my head a lot with the razor like he had was learning how to use these tools earlier today we said an unmasked silence as he breathes ever so slightly and moves slightly so everly in a way

that convinces me I'm going to get the delta variant but I'm too polite to do anything about it he's holding only two items a comb and scissors and yet his hands are full and clumsily like a teenager carrying too many bags because he only wants to make one trip I'm not sure how or why but the comb keeps flicking my forehead whenever it's at rest and he keeps repositioning my head by the eyebrows I wonder why you're touching me there but as a hostage I'm groomed not to question my captor so he kept like very good was that it kept like moving my head like by the eyebrows like repositioning me I'm like you

don't have to fucking touch me this much the scissors not my head and the way he kept like holding the the comb like up like flicking me in the forehead very very new the silence was broken as when he nervously asked me a question voice shaking like a nerd in a movie on a date so you're not working today I laugh uncontrollably because again it's Sunday now 4 p.m. and a barber shop no man I'm not working today a complete zero for the small talk attempt after 45 minutes I implore him to move on to my beard which really just needs a trim the only thing that a beard can basically be done to at a barber shop

also did I mention this place is called all right I'll say the name at this point beard barbaria it's called beard barbaria my god I know where that is he tells me he's almost done a phrase I keep hearing a lot as he begins to cut smaller and smaller portions of my hair finally getting to a point where I'm convinced he's not cutting anything at so he's like trimming like the bonsai just like less and less and less after 45 minutes seriously I think am I being filmed right now but I walked into here how did the producers know I'd choose this place did

he did were you like telling him you had anywhere to be were you ever like towards the end I'm like I gotta go I gotta go I gotta go after another 15 to 20 minutes of panto cutting my internal dialogue raged over in a way that's never happened before it's like being stuck on a terrible date only I can't move because I'm under a robe and he's holding two knives to my brain I have wake paralysis as I begin nervously laughing to myself and then eventually out loud hey man I'm running out of time you gotta move on to my beard he says his sentence again yeah yeah sorry sorry almost done we repeat this song and dance four or five more times as I start laughing louder and louder

is this what going crazy feels like this whole thing has a real delaying me for a surprise party energy I eventually give up and say okay I'm gonna stand up right now sorry I really have to go because he wasn't stopping to cut my hair I'm like I'm gonna literally stand up so like move move get out of my face he says okay okay sorry yeah I could do the beard what are you looking to do like a trim or a blend or the question scares me away from trusting him to do any more work it's been over an hour of sitting and I had to cut him off I can't imagine letting him any anything so close to my jugular I make eyes uh with a person waiting to go next and I try to like shining convey a sense of dread so he feels it in his bones to leave no such luck uh I go to

pay you don't have to pay he tells me as he takes my credit card again shaking um uh doing everything here because his uncle slash cousin slash doctor has left him high and dry it's fine uh just take my money and leave me alone he can't scan my card into the iPad because that would mean he could do literally any part of his job correctly and of course he cannot nice do you have another way to pay I laugh again no dude uh unless you take fucking bitcoin my credit card is the only way I could pay for stuff he nervously tells me it's fine I don't have to pay the numbers aren't working I swing the iPad around and input my credit card information works fine of course that he stares me in the eyes and goes um do you want to leave a tip uh that's the end of the scene

I regret the even leaving a negative yelp review because this man who's now kind of my soulmate clearly struggling enough and this short story I couldn't send him over the edge but at the same time I can't just let the universe get away with this unregulated capitalism does not work we need checks and balances I need to tell my story to warn others that um sorry to warn other people otherwise I'm just as bad as Eli who threw his son in front of a moving bus to keep his barbershop up and running four stars so four stars so you're gonna leave good so this because the haircut's fine the haircut's good the haircut was fine it was the the story the process how everything took so long and I think this Eli guy is a bad guy because I honestly think this kid that was there

is related to Eli and he's like you have to do me a solid and keep this barbershop open for me right so like you think but he didn't know how to cut like it wasn't a complete like I've never cut hair before but it was like this was his first day trying so I that's what I don't understand like how could he have the know-how and yet still be so bad maybe he's like socially awkward or uncomfortable yeah what if he's what if it really was his first time cutting hair he'd never done it before and he just like fucking actually knocked it out of the park because he was because he went so slow he went so slow and he kept saying like oh sorry it just it's slow because your hair's thick your hair hold on one second I'm almost done I'm almost done cutting slightly less

less less less yeah like I feel like I could also give you a good haircut if it took me two hours because I would just do like the tiniest um you're you're just like whittling whittling you down yeah yes like the the fucking the hard part excuse me for saying but it seems like the hard part about being a barber is doing a good job in a normal time frame right like infinite time yeah anybody can cut hair eventually like I'm wondering if he was not a barber like because that's what doesn't make any sense like he he knew how to be a barber but he was really nervous maybe he was just worried because he'd never been there without Eli and I look online and none of the none of the reviews or the um Instagram photos ever mention anyone but Eli right so yeah he must

have like gotten called up to the show right so the question is should I leave this uh yell preview or is it like this kid is already struggling so much will it actually do any good to leave a negative yell preview I guess that's the thing like it it feels like this is not what would normally happen at the barber shop like he got he got thrown a curveball that he couldn't hit it's not like they it's not like he is you know maybe I'll you just tell me what he looks like I'll keep on walking by and I'll tell you if he's still there yeah because I feel like people should be warned from getting their haircut by somebody that's that bad but at the same time maybe he doesn't usually go there and all this will do would will be get him in trouble with Eli which

doesn't really hate the the review that mentioned that he refused to wear a mask said haircut wasn't great and the barber asked me to take my mask off and he wasn't going to wear his until his boss made him and then the owner privately messaged me why are you making a bullshit story yes I'm the owner and no I don't wear a mask like you loser and no I don't tell people to take off the mask so the owner privately messaged him I guess if you leave a negative yell preview the owner can message you like a response and then he published that message that's fucking funny so if the owner is actually this bad of a guy maybe he deserves I just feel bad for this you know the kid 24 year old that was thrust into the situation so why not take a liberty and just

change it out and and make it Eli that did this it's really good so Eli was there and he's really young and new and nervous and skittish and he fucked up is that fine Eli is a fucking bad guy it sounds like yeah what are your thoughts on negative reviews in general is it worthwhile leaving them does it actually act as a warning to other people um I I think for me I I really never end up leaving negative yell reviews because by the time I like get home to do it I'm like this is going to be more work than not but I've never had exactly I don't think I've ever had that level of experience that you've had and I also think that like whatever negative experiences I have they are usually so like person specific like the the waiter at this restaurant like didn't

bring my bill for a long time or they were you know they they were bad but it's weird to be like this restaurant's bad because it's it takes a big it's a big operation so and whatever I read a Yelp review that's like the server was rude to me I'm like well that's fine yeah dude too as long as the food is good who cares whether you had a weird waiter that day yeah well like you didn't get along with them they weren't necessarily rude to you who knows but also like I feel like the only reviews I really respond to are ones where they're like they were you know the price uh it's like a racket you know like this is that's a scam yes they're like rental car places in Iceland where it seemed like that was kind of the deal they like take advantage

of people that can't speak Icelandic right and usually people who leave negative reviews like those are the kind of people that like say the waiter was really nasty to me but like actually they're the bad person yeah but also even really positive reviews I feel like I don't trust either because like I've eaten at restaurants that were pretty good and I see a Yelp review that's like five stars best food ever I'm like well it's not you know right it's kind of like tomatoes it's like yeah everybody has such it's so subjective I guess like eventually the the crowd wisdom uh evens out but look I think for what happened to you that's kind of insane he really wouldn't stop cutting my hairs and it's hard to convey it because like you know the story

takes a few minutes so like it's hard to say how fucking annoying it is to be like underneath this guy for over an hour as he barely cuts and I can't move but it was like some sort of weird mental torture it's a very unique experience too because that's not the that's not the normal kind of negative thing that would happen at a barbershop it's like the cut was bad or it was too expensive or I mean the wait was too long that did happen but like to be under the blanket for almost two hours and repeatedly say that you need to get up and he has to move on and for him to not to the point where you feel like you're getting punked is truly wild so on one hand I feel like you should publish the review but on the other I feel like it's so it's so antagonistic towards

this kid that I feel bad right Eli will read it and like get mad at the kid where it's really not the kid's fault but it kind of is I mean like Eli shouldn't have put him in the position Eli sounds like a shithead on his own right but this this guy should have like you know moved on when you said you had to go he should have been like okay well it's not complete but I understand you have to leave and he did offer me a free haircut he's like you don't have to pay because like I know I didn't get to do your beard I know I didn't get to finish your hair yeah I mean him offering to give you the free haircut is definitely a tacit acknowledgement that he was not up to the task you know like he would agree with you you would agree with this assessment that it was a bad

experience I also feel like you really went through something because I know what I it's so rare for you to speak up right exactly I would have just and for 45 minutes I just sat there sort of quietly stewing and laughing about this craziness you I think you and I are this are very similar in like being conflict averse and like just wanting to be agreeable like there have been times where somebody makes me a coffee that I don't like and rather than say that I will just like go outside throw it away and get a different one actually it happened the other day right you're not going to go back in and say sorry this didn't turn out well and like a waiter you're getting a food order wrong or like me hating the food at a restaurant

I'm like talking about how it's not that good they come over and they're like is everything all right and I go it's great because I don't want to talk to you about how it's not good yeah no I don't want to do that so for for you to be like I and definitely it's happened with haircuts we're like how does that look it's like it's fine I just need to get out of the chair I need to get out of the chair I need to get out of the situation but you actually had to you had to say something you had to fucking and he basically apologized to the point where he's like you'd no longer even have to pay I can't believe the guy who was sitting next to me in line was like just watching this whole thing and be like all right my turn yeah how long does I mean I'm trying to

think of like how long I would normally budget for a haircut I guess like an hour yeah maybe a half an hour of waiting and a half an hour of haircut but this was like an hour of waiting and over an hour of haircut over an hour of haircut I can't even imagine that seems so excruciating I was stuck I was stuck and frazzled I was also completely by myself so like I left I left the barber I'm like that was insane right but like nobody to even talk about you that's why you called me yeah I'm like have you ever been to this place is this place notoriously bad is it fine it looks fine you were you were giddy when you called me you were laughing you were so confused also that's why I had to get a burger afterwards oh you had you went straight from there to BK

Johnny that's right wow I got my burger there the other night it's very good great burger I ate it so quickly and felt so nauseous in a taxi right over the wedding and then I used your manscaped trimmer to trim my beards because that guy couldn't yeah how did you find it I rooted around in my drawers yeah I sort of did a quick a cursory glance and when that didn't yield the results I started sort of ransack in the places that yeah I see that makes sense okay so let's take let's take another break and try to answer more questions that was well wait well are you gonna leave the review you're still thinking about it I guess not I mean I feel bad for this kid more than anything and it did give me a not even that good of a story because the story is just that he wouldn't

leave me alone but I like it's hard to yeah it's hard to convey that with that I mean you do kind of need the long story I'm hopefully this was cathartic enough it's like being stuck in traffic for two hours it's like the worst thing in the world when it's happening and then you talk about it's like I was stuck in traffic for two hours but it's hard to like right understand what two hours feels like mm-hmm yeah I get that I was stuck in a chair for over an hour wild uh okay let's take a break come back yes more questions tight thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business but with stamps.com all you need is a

computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office so if you need a package pickup you can easily schedule it if you need to sell products online stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap so stamps.com has huge carrier discounts we're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates holy smokes and for 25 years stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses so if one million businesses can trust stamps.com certainly you can too set your business up for success with stamps.com today just sign up with promo code if i were you for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale wow no long-term commitments

or contracts just go to stamps.com you click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if i were you and that gets you a free four-week trial free postage and a digital scale that sounds pretty good thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show and we're back uh last week with avital we brought up the idea of reading more follow-up pups and that's correct people were into it in fact some of us uh even sent in some follow-up pups whoa who um the guy who made out with a Mormon and then she asked him should i um how do i ask out other guys and he's like well that was weird yeah that was weird uh so he says hey guys i was stoked to hear that you answered my question last week listening to it and i took a pause to give you guys a follow-up

it's been a couple of weeks since the events previously discussed and i'm still no closer to getting any sort of clarity about our situation we've hung out two or three more times since then uh never one-on-one and we have a lot of mutual friends so we have ended up at the same social gatherings and i expect it to be awkward but it hasn't really we've never brought up what happened and our friends don't know so i just figured that she never really even thought of this is going anywhere that's okay i guess but maybe i'll ask her one more out one more time before i call it quits no there you go that seems perfect yeah i guess much like a lot of these questions like it's a big deal to you and the other person is completely oblivious that anything went wrong

yeah definitely so it's like what does this mean what did she do did she do that on purpose and she's like i don't remember who you are entirely so i definitely don't know what i did and how i did it mm-hmm yeah there's your look you're thinking of everything you're like reading too far into every single thing that i do and also assuming a lot of stuff yeah but you'll never know anything unless you ask so it's good that he's gonna ask her out one more time it might work uh i guess we deserve yet another follow-up we certainly do could you imagine two pups for the price of one that's how most pups are born i think litters yeah well that's true um okay one last question to rule them all please yes uh math nerd so we'll call this guy um you know a math nerd

classic math nerd einstein it is i your smartest fan albert einstein i'm a high school math teacher whose hobby is reading and listening to your podcast i started this year and i'm honestly not a hundred percent sure i enjoy it teaching this year yeah that's another cool another new fan yeah well not really he started teaching this year sorry oh i see sorry all right cool never mind yeah uh yeah just that teaching is nice but some kids are obnoxious little turds and the extra work is time consuming are there any other career options oh it's a woman uh we'll call her alberta einstein are there any other career options for a woman with a bachelor's degree in math i'd love to consider a career without kids or such a heavy workload thanks for your advice

i'm here from one math nerd to another i believe you deserve the golden mic too late he got the turdy this episode for sharding not once but twice on mic on air while we were live while i was talking i didn't shard you farted yes i farted and not into the mic away from the mic they picked it up i guess you definitely picked it up if the fucking computer mic picked it up yeah it that you're a sensitive ass mic picked it up i believe that uh okay so this lady went into teaching and what did she know doesn't like it i guess you never really uh think about that i just think of all teachers as heroes that like it's a long hour and it's difficult work but they love their job and that's why they do it well because the pay is

good yeah that's right it's the highest pay is highest paying job in america yeah jesus christ teachers are heroes but uh it's also fine if you don't want to do it because it is an insanely hard job um so what's another you're the math nerd you're the fucking geek what do you think is there's so many jobs that rely on math yeah it's hard because it's like other than teaching what you learned what job like if i studied biology and i have a degree in biology is a biologist an occupation is a mathematician an occupation or is it just you learn to teach it you yeah no i think if you have a passion for mathematics what about being a line producer working with budgets and numbers oh i see yeah you could be an accountant well not an account yeah but like

a line producer actually works on tv shows and and looks at the budgets and the rates and all that stuff yeah so you know there's like you look at any field or any industry there's something behind it i think it's the money it's being a money manager that's cool finance managing the finances of any sector any business any store any brand that you're into i think there's a there's a place in brooklyn that needs a a hair stylist because they seem to be one person short because elie died of covid yeah a maskless man i mean i if he does if he's not there because of covid then this understudy probably has it yeah i don't see a world where i'm not infected you probably are now that i think about it i was a maskless vaxless deaf and dumb my god uh high school also high school math is

the hardest why don't you kick it down a notch like what if you're a fifth grade math teacher she doesn't want to be a teacher man she doesn't want to be a high you're harping guys are kids are obnoxious little turds and like teenagers are the biggest turds like nine year olds aren't as big of turds as 17 year olds right nine year olds probably i think they're turds in their own way yeah there could be turds any i was a turd when i was fucking nine absolutely i was nine's aren't fine why don't you find a grade with the least amount of turds before calling it a career i mean yeah i guess you could try another grade but i think that you might just know that teaching is not for you could you be a teacher me no hell no but if you have to what's

subject and grade are you thinking i would teach english writing creative writing poetry sketch writing writing for the internet probably something some kind of version of something that i've done oh i see so it's like a yeah you're getting paid to be like the cool teacher that comes in at 230 and teaches like an extracurricular class i'd like to teach email correspondence really about that for a career i think i write a mean email what do you think about that yeah we have noticed recently that a bunch of youngsters only reply to the person writing the email and they rarely reply all yeah that could be our first lesson look at the reply all sometimes you want it sometimes you want to avoid it sometimes you

know there's the uh the grace of moving someone not involved anymore to be cc being like you don't have to be here for the coordination of anything you've made an intro i set you free that's that's nice you free cc to the bcc uh it's the i mean it's an art to bump an old thread to to respond to something with inline comments i mean you just you saw that i've been putting emojis in the subject line recently right i mean that's pretty impressive stuff and i think i could really teach a chote for what chote i want to teach at chote let's try this private school it's a boarding school in connecticut top top tier boarding school you have to dress like a naval marine to teach there yeah there's an officer on deck salute i'm gonna teach you how to forward a

chain letter to 10 people or somebody a ghost will haunt you what would you teach how to i would teach algebra at my old high school and uh oh that's a sitcom so i'm sort of at odds with a uh uh another kid that a bully that used to beat me up son and he's like bullying me that's good yeah and the principle that i always looked up to passed away the summer before i started teaching there so there's a little bit of heart ted lasso style to the show very good very and did i mention i have a crush on a water fountain sorry for the better part of my ninth through twelfth grade i've always found a specific water fountain on campus to be hot and this is sort of my chance to uh guzzle at her teat so i really like the show looked up to the principle that was cool yeah

the bully's son was nice i could envision the hot fountain yeah so where did i lose you i like that you were going to the high school your old high school the hot fountain was cool and the pe teacher that won't take no for an answer so i'm trying to sort of get in shape to in an effort to please slash the turn on the water fountain yeah turn on the water fountain by pressing a button yeah you do not fucking touch that fountain you don't know how to touch the fountain like i do this is so fucking gross man you're it's an adult swim short it's a late night unsimulated sex with a water fountain that's right um yeah okay a new career and anything numbers related and or a new school because sometimes schools are filled with turds and

sometimes other schools are filled with less turds so maybe you just have a turd heavy class yeah you could be a line producer though on a tv show like amir's uh will they won't they water fountain saga that's true and i'll yeah that'd be cool and if you don't want to see anybody i recommend being an accountant it's just the number crunching and none of the actual i guess interpersonal all your your clients will be turds i'm a turd to my account uh all right cool that's it thanks for listening um thanks for your questions back as always on monday uh or on thursday for another testing testing and if you have your own theme songs or follow up pub send them on down to if i were you show at gmail dot com love it uh the opening theme song was written by toni remember

that turds song yes great this closing one is pretty awesome i think this is the first time it's ever happened it was written by someone in the voice memo uh while driving she came up with the song and it's just so inspired yeah that's fun oh let me find their name oh yeah i don't have fancy recording equipment writes fran but this idea came when i was driving one day and as the song says you'll probably have to be scraping the barrel to use it no she actually has a really good voice nothing to plug can't wait for head gum live in the uk one day one day god you can't wait for the song yeah it's a it's a frozen parody by fran b so thanks to fran for submitting that thanks to you guys for listening more of us on our patreon patreon dot com slash j a jaw watching old videos

there's podcast episodes on there um animated shorts a little bit of everything oh we gotta we gotta write another stuck that reminds me another stuck more jake the mirror outtakes oh yeah so enjoy enjoy everything there and here we go here's fran with the frozen parody the show must start but it's getting too hard to write a decent theme tune i don't do tom along impressions so i guess that i am doomed but maybe they'll get bored and delve into the shine couldn't hurt to try so maybe if i were you the podcast show jake and me are these two bros they'll give advice no need to ask twice just sometimes thrice if i were you if i were you they'll probably put me on blast if i were you if i were you this idea is running out fast

should i care or should i just give up kill myself in the starbucks jake and let me please give me advice that was a hit gum original