If I Were You - 506: Toilet Porn

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

In this episode we discuss picky eaters, soft robes, and Jake's new office. Check out our sponsor MyBookie. See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Find it out, what's gone south And drop trout for that chipmunk now Smooth right finally finally there's a steam song that's as sexy as the show Mmm, that's right. Yeah, I've always wanted to do like this kind of like I don't know this like sexy talk show Where it's like late night and things are getting sort of hot Yes, definitely, tuxedos and teddies That's right, lounge singer vibes

Yeah and everyone's shirts are sort of either open or off and everyone's jacked and smells like perfume Dirty martinis Yes, it's really cold in the studio and everyone's sort of goose bumped out and hearted on So everyone has an erection and a cold And they have a cold and a flu like symptom on the day But we've tested them all so everyone is sick but not with COVID Right, that's cool Remember getting just classic sick?

That was that old school There used to be a sick that you could get, yeah, that wasn't dangerous Now it's just like let's first make sure I don't have the disease and now that I don't I could sort of veg out with my wedge out That's when you sort of sit down but your ass is hanging off a stair that's made out of velvet Because you're in the hot lounge and it's sexy because you can tell it is because of the music So that's the show idea, what do you think? Is it a new show or it's just a vibe that you want for this show? It's a vibe, it's a show, it's basically this show but like sexy

You could never be sexy There's no fucking world It doesn't matter how many martinis, how many lunches Wow One of your ideas to make it fucking hot was for everyone to have goose bumps So yeah, I don't think you have sexy instincts You wanted people to have a cold You wanted them to be ill

I wanted their nose to run You don't know how to throw a party, you don't know the first fucking thing about it Okay, okay, well this is a good step one And I guess thanks to Jake Morrill a 24 year old currently living in Brooklyn Nice You can plug his music on Spotify which you can search JoyCaptain, you'll be able to hear it I love, love Brooklyn, respect for living in the goat city Here's something funny, you guys played another theme of mine on episode 425

Coronavirus, which was the last episode before lockdown started Wow So at the beginning of lockdown we played it and at the end of lockdown we played it Let's fucking go, it's over baby, we're having sexy shows, it's velvet, it's freezing Everyone can't feel their toes Yeah Yeah They're hot

Right Yeah I don't think you're ready to have the COVID is over party Feels like it's you know low key never gonna end Okay So Yeah Can't really bookend it with one of your swagged out sexy velvet parties

I know you love to throw a velvet party But Foam, yeah It's foam and it's velvet in a way But you're gonna have to have FOMO because you're missing velvet That's good, fear of missing out on foam Yeah I have

FOMO That's right I have foam, foam Alright, sweet, this is If I Were You, I guess a normal podcast about advice The only one on the internet hosted by us on the mirror I'm liquid nice Oh, you're back Yeah

Yeah Liquid nice never left It looks like things are sort of tenuously hanging on by a thread over there I see like two foam pads that you're sort of creating a TP over your mic Hoping to God that it eliminates echo in your new studio at home Yeah, this is actually the FOMO I think it's, I don't think it's gonna work either Because I can kind of hear an echo even as I'm talking directly to the foam

It's like, yeah, it's hard to simulate a full studio with just two little planks of foam Yeah, well, I ordered, so I ordered three big 48 inch tall sound panels Oh, wow I'm gonna kind of hang I'm a little sad because, you know, I basically have to ruin my office I have to turn it into like a Twitch gamer looking setup studio Yeah, you wanted like a nice classic 1920s hardwood desk and a typewriter And instead you're gonna have like eight ring lights and a sound foam and a sort of dome and a Dell PC and a Hackintosh

And like five weird little tripods holding my mic, holding my light, holding a Joby Mom, don't touch that, that's my USB dongle computer Nine fucking dongles There's pairs of headphones just crawling around under the desk looking for more outlets So there's sparks, things are short circuiting You can design, design all day, I put beautiful molding in this room But at the end of the day I have to hammer it away and put up a fucking bass trap That's what I'm gonna have to do

The life of a podcaster, you're sort of, it's the duality of you It's like who you want to be and then what your job is Yeah, exactly, I want to sit here with a typewriter and work on the next American novel You want to be a cartographer No, I have to have a cat six cable in here And make sure that the ring light is sort of facing you in case we want to twitch our zoom meetings anytime soon Yeah, there's like a place in this office where the desk makes sense and then there's a place where it needs to be for me to get light for my zoom meetings And that's kind of sad

I'm gonna take a picture of us right now Smile Alright, got it That was good Yeah It was fun, I look forward to hearing what your audio sounds like And again, if there's a slight echo, just, I guess we apologize Like what do you want me to say at this point

I'm living in a foam teepee, I'm doing everything I possibly can Yeah, I wonder if the foam should be in front of you instead of on top Does that change anything? I guess we can adjust that half time and see what happens Yeah, we'll have to Okay, questions from real people and trying to give them real answers as much as possible That's the liquid nice way Yeah, a guy in ice would never Here's one about a picky partner from a lady

So we'll call her Penelope Picker Penelope Picker and her picky partner writes I've been listening since day one and I've never written in before I even came to the show in New Haven and you guys gave me a piggyback ride Dope, that was what we did with Allison Fuck, that was awesome I'm a 22-year-old female and have been with my boyfriend for five years, he's 24 What pisses me off the most about him is that he's the pickiest eater I've ever met

Most meals we order in, yet he refuses to try new cuisines I've convinced him enough to try new restaurants but he reads the menu and makes us leave Even if we order a pizza, he will only get sausage, if not plain We don't even add peppers or onions Is this a deal breaker? How annoyed would you guys be? I cannot express how frustrating it is I'm a huge food lover and will try slash very much enjoy pretty much anything Thanks, love Penelope

Alright Penelope I feel like, I became a very adventurous eater I think around when I was like 20, maybe a little younger than 24 So there's still hope, I feel like your palate does grow and change and expand So hopefully he knows that it's something that bothers you and he's going to work on it Yeah And it sounds like it does a little bit I'm kind of picky myself, not to such an extreme but there's certain foods that I know I don't like and I don't get them I wouldn't necessarily cancel off a full cuisine though

Even the pickiest eaters I know, my friends that don't eat anything, it's like we're all going to get sushi And Jesse's going to get chicken on rice There's at least something for him So he's never vetoed a full restaurant He just doesn't try the raw fish and stuff like that It feels like that's excessive, like if you want to try a new restaurant, your boyfriend has to go and get like the blandest thing on the menu Yeah You can always eat

But then it's sad because you can't share Right But I think that's kind of the trade off, it's like you love food, you can't make someone that is not an adventurous eater become that All you can do is like be proudly independent on your own courses Literally Cause like courses like first course, second course, third course, etc, etc Hold on, I can't breathe in the foam I'm starting to get too light headed

Scared and hangry Inhaled glue No, I think that you just have to be like, I'm going to enjoy my food, you get rice or you eat before we go out But I want rice I mean there is a quiet shame in just being like, do you have, can I get this without sauce and do you just have plain rice Like he has to ask for that stuff You don't have to do it Yeah

I feel like it's, I don't know, yeah you just got to just keep on doing you What did you used to be picky about that you now added to your repertoire? I mean when I was a kid I wouldn't eat anything, I never tried peanut butter until I was like 20 Peanut butter is like, usually it's like my kid will only eat peanut butter, you didn't even have that And I fucking love peanut butter, I didn't have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich until I was 21 years old And I had never had pasta, I had plain pasta, I didn't like tomato sauce I could have it on pizza if there wasn't a lot and it was mostly cheese and bread But I never had like tomato sauce and pasta, it was always like butter

And now I fucking, I love pasta, I love tomato sauce Do you remember what changed, like what got you into it? I think it was just like my parents never ever made me eat anything And when I had like friends and I started like going out to meals and, you know, being around society I was like, oh yes, I have to try this food And I, they never made me try anything For instance, I liked burgers but I didn't like meatballs, which doesn't make any sense Cause that's just the shape difference

And I didn't like meatloaf and nobody was like, you have to try it, you'll like it And I was just like, okay, yeah, you don't want meatballs, that's fine Turns out I fucking love meatballs cause they're like tiny little hamburgers You were like a fucking caveman eating out of the restaurant the first time I was like, actually my mommy just says I can have crust without sauce and everyone around She's like, what are you doing, what are you ordering? I don't actually eat tomatoes or peanut butter You have to do that now

Really? I went to like Hold on, I have to call my mom She never made me eat any of this Shit What is this? Tomato sauce and spaghetti I went to dinner at my aunt's house and she was making Mexican

And she made tacos and all I would eat was cucumbers cut up into a hard shell taco And I loved it and that was my dinner And you were what, 20 years old? That was last winter Cucumbers and a taco You think like the kid and you would eat the meat or chicken plain with rice, not a cucumber taco No, I also used to, I would, this actually translated into a jacunamir a little bit I used to like chicken nuggets from McDonald's, but I didn't like the middle

So I would just eat around the edges And if the piece was too chickeny, I didn't want it Basically just like the fucking skin, which is something that we made your character do You used to eat chicken nuggets like fucking corn on the cob Yeah, just eat it around the bone Yeah, because you like fried chicken skin, but you didn't like the chicken part of it Yeah, it was almost like, it was like pizza, I didn't like the crust But it was like the middle was the crust of the chicken

It's kind of an incredibly survived really And I've changed and now I love, there's like not really a food out there that I don't like Not crazy about eggplant, but I remember you having soup for the first time with my parents That's right, yeah My mom made soup and she's like, do you like this soup? I've never really had soup and like that's when we knew each other, so you were like 26 She's like, what are you talking about?

You're like, yeah, I just, I don't think I've ever had soup I had never had soup Which is crazy because you grew up on the East Coast You should have had soup more than anybody It's true, when we had a big family and soup's kind of a big easy thing to make, but we never did that Did your parents, I mean, did your other siblings also have weird dietary restrictions or was it just a you thing? It was really just a me thing. Everyone else ate whatever was on the table and I would always get a special meal Because I'm my mom's special boy

Like, everyone's gonna have chicken and pasta, but Jake's gonna have little dinosaur chicken wings and macaroni and cheese I ate a lot of frozen food All of my, it was like my mom would make dinner for everyone and then cook a sheet pan of frozen food for me I can't believe that didn't piss your mom off Imagine like you as an actual parent like with like five kids and they're all eating and then you have this one fucking snot nose I was like, I want dinosaur nuggets Throwing your wife's hard earned food off the table Yeah, I couldn't really, I have no idea why I got away with it

Truly no idea I used to have cookies, I had cookies every single morning for breakfast I guess it's probably because you had five siblings So they were just like, we can't fucking deal with like everybody's special accommodations So we'll just throw a kid cuisine in the microwave to shut them up Yeah, it was, that's what it was It was like they, I think they gave up on trying to force it and they were like, I guess it's easier to just give this asshole what he wants And that was sort of your life philosophy growing up entirely, not just foods related stuff

Right, so you could give into your boyfriend's every whim and hope that he just changes on his own like I did Or you can try to force it I will say It's weird, you can look at fucking restaurant menus before you go to the restaurant It's crazy that he'd be there, look at the menu and be like, we have to get up Yeah, maybe he is vetoing before they get there Okay Yeah, I hope so

I will say my, I used to be anti-fish as our most picky eaters The fishy smell sort of turned me off as a youth And what got me into fish, which I recommend for people who are trying to get into fish is like Like fish and chips, like fried fish, it's almost like as close as you can get to fried chicken without it being chicken And like once you're in fried fish, you can start like eating grilled white fish and then you're trying salmon And then you're trying sushi and it's like baby steps into that world Yeah, and you can also, I think that's good advice too Because you can find kind of like one adventurous cuisine that your boyfriend can tolerate and go all in on that

You know, if he's like, oh I can eat something at this Vietnamese place And it's like, okay great, then I can go there and try everything on the menu We can go there multiple times and I can keep on trying different things Yeah So that's one way And also just fucking reach out to your friends who are adventurous eaters Start going out to dinner with them and maybe your boyfriend will get FOMO and start coming with Or FONO, the fear of missing out on noodles

I guess that's FOMON Maybe he'll get FOMON or something FOMO Yeah, and then when you go to a Vietnamese restaurant, you can get FOMON That's what I thought you were trying to do The first one? Forget it, it doesn't matter It's fear of missing out on noodles, FOMON

That's a turdy now Oh my god, what? You had this earlier, you said like a course and the many courses That's when I won the golden mic for this episode How long did that eat after? Because it was fucking about dinner Yeah, well I said FOMON, fear of missing out on noodles, that's a comparable joke And then I turned it into the FA, like an extra level

No, I got it, I said FA I said FA, FONO, FOMO, I said FOMO And that's the better one FONON, what did we talk about? No, I didn't say NON, now you're like, you're missing out on NON No, I'm saying NON Of course you don't get it, it's not what I said Although FONON is pretty good actually, fear of missing out on NON

Yeah, that's a golden mic for me for coming up with FONON Alright, let's take a break Try to readjust the foam in Jake's home studio office And we'll be back with more questions on the other side of these Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show Hell yes, thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam And letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress Yes sir

So Helix makes a really great mattress line And you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you Yeah right Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute Honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade I don't brag about completing it, I brag about acing it Because you got the mattress and it was great

Yeah, I got the perfect mattress, thank God I took that test That's right, and if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders And two free pillows Amazing Free pillows, come on Yes, this is their best offer yet

And no, it won't last long with Helix, the better sleep starts now Now So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go Based on how you fill up that sleep preference They'll send you the best one And if you go to helixsleep.com, that's 20% off Amazing

Thank you, Helix Sleep well And we're back Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a leather device Mom, I'm coming Gross Yeah, yeah I do

I recently purchased a bathrobe Now you were talking about not too long ago adding things to your shopping cart Waiting a week before deciding to pull the trigger to see if you truly wanted them And did I mention that a bathrobe was sitting there in that email? Yeah, and then you were like, I think I'm gonna get it So you did get the bathrobe I bought it for myself for my birthday That's another piece of unsolicited advice I have

If you want something, don't get it right away until a special occasion Makes you feel nice I bought it for myself for my birthday and it was cool, I got a birthday present My only gift But yeah, it's fucking... It's great Whenever I'm staying in a hotel, I love when there's a bathrobe I get excited, I'm like, I can't wait to take a shower and I'm gonna change into the bathrobe

And it's just a very luxurious, relaxing thing to do So is it made out of a towel? Do you use it instead of a towel or do you use a towel to dry and then put on the robe? I do, it's a lot less of a Thorough dry, I'll like do a pat dry, kind of like a general towel situation And then throw the robe on You can be a little damp under the robe and then you dry over time And it's like a towel material, yeah, it's terry cloth, it's got a cool little

Pattern on it, it's green and black It's kind of hot, that's nice Is it like a general towels chicken? I'm trying to really fucking recommend something here Like quality of life style shit I'm trying to help people out there who might live I'm down to learn more about it, I just thought it was fun You're undercutting everything I say with these cheap jokes

These cheap jokes We were talking about the Asian food earlier, so I thought it would be a fun call back This is like my moment to talk about advice The whole show is your moment to talk about advice, we've been doing this for eight years It's just tacky for you to pile on here with your peanut gallery antics This fucking small comedy It soured the recommendation, I feel like people aren't going to buy a bathroom anymore They will if it

Wendy, how long do you wear it? Does a robe have a shelf life? Don't pan, it's too little too late You're trying to ask a question, but you don't even give a shit All you care about is making your fucking silly little quips to try to cut me down Not cut you down, I thought you could join it So yeah, when do you switch out of your robe, I guess That's a good question So you do like it

I like the late afternoon showers When I say I go climbing after work, come home The dream is I place an order for some food I take a shower, the food arrives, post-shower I'm in a robe Then I get to relax in front of the TV and enjoy my dinner in my robe You're eating a full meal in the robe That's really indulgent, I've only done that two or three times

But when I do it feels great You go to sleep in the robe? No, no, no, it's way too thick for that White robe? No, I've already discussed the color of the robe I said it was green and black, I said it was patterned Why don't you pay attention? I'm talking about important shit

Well, most hotel robes are white Yeah, but I said what it was I was thinking about the general towels chicken What would that sound? What would that taste like? That's a funny general towels Yeah, that's what I said earlier That's really good I miss that

Thank you I must have missed that Oh, thanks Do you have a recommendation for where to get a robe? Or no plugs specifically yet? I got mine from this company called OAS And the robes are very stylish, cool looking But I'm sure you can get a good robe anywhere

Alright, cool Maybe we should get a robe sponsor We should get these guys because I fucking love my robe It's very specific Where you buy your clothes, they don't make robes too It has to be a specialty robes place I think this place does make clothes Oh really?

Yeah, they make bathing suits They make these cool terry cloth shirts I'll pop my robe into the chat You can get one like it, but don't get the exact same Oh, this is a night I might do this specific robe Just go under Green and black pattern? You didn't say that

You can just look in there What size did you get? Small, medium or LXL? I think I got this one I feel like with these kind of things You want it to be a little on the tight side You don't want to be swimming in it if it's XL This is, I got the robe Actually, I got five of them for all of our friends

Now we're the robe bros This is fun And it's only $680 I'm returning my robe Returning it Nice Alright, cool, get a robe Here's another question from another lady

And this lady is in Canada I'm a 27-year-old woman working in the fast food industry Let's call her Wendy Nice I recently got promoted as regional manager a few weeks ago To look over the hiring and termination But most of all to oversee the health and food safety procedures Here's my problem

I've been in the files the other day and had to go to the washroom My work has a co-ed bathroom The toilet didn't flush after I did my business So I opened the lid and found some porn in the water tank Hmm? Yeah I panicked and just put it out of the way so the toilet can flush My question is, should I just leave it there and make the toilet flushable

Or take it and find the person who owns it Or even better, post it to the career app we have Or take the person to come forward and get fired Thanks for your guys' help Love Wendy I mean, it's possible that it's been there for a long time So like, you know, you might not get anyone coming forward Isn't it wet in there that tank?

How can a magazine survive generations in a toilet tank? I feel like it's got to be fresh I get it's also just so weird There's such easier ways to find and have porn in the bathroom Like bring your phone in there Yeah It's probably just the oldest employee there, right? Who else is going to hide a porno in the toilet like it's 1968?

Yeah, that's true You could probably look around your office and deduce who put the porno bag in there Was it you? Ron? Ron's the 78-year-old pervert that works behind the counters If there's someone named Ron, it was definitely there Yeah, it wasn't like this 16-year-old tween that doesn't even realize that porn comes in magazines Yeah

So, I mean, I guess if it were me, I would let sleeping dogs lie That's what they say, right? Yeah Which means let this guy continue to hide his porno into the toilet area And so that he can occasionally jerk it in the washroom on a break Yeah, I mean, that's fucking nasty It's not good to know that's happening But also, it's not like I don't think that there's not really anything that you can do as a porn vigilante

All you can do is fix the toilet That's the real issue that you were having Toilet doesn't flush The problem has actually now been solved There's mystery, but it's necessarily a problem She recently got promoted as regional manager So she is a manager here and she does oversee the health and food safety procedures Hmm, yeah, alright

Is it illegal to jerk it in a bathroom? Um, it... Yeah, it's a good question It's probably right Probably? But you are there to piss and poop Yeah, it's like, or is it a social code? It's like...

If you're gonna jerk it, go to the bathroom We fucking wrote a company handbook Do we have it in hours? I think page four, yeah, is sort of not jerking it in the bathroom Yeah, I see that Because then you're only like one step away from doing it at a shared urinal And then you don't want to start dealing with that Right, obviously

I mean, we have co-ed bathrooms at our offices We wouldn't want anybody doing that in there What happens if you find a fucking porno mag in the headgum east toilet Where only four people work? I guess then maybe... That's a good question, framing it like that makes me... I still doubt that I would fucking say anything I would, but I would get rid of it

I would throw it away So I feel like whoever had that in there, next time they went to use it They would be like, I've been found out So I shouldn't continue jerking off And I would periodically check Or you could replace... That's what I'm thinking You put a note in there

This was hot Why don't you meet me here after work to relive your porno fantasy Because you want to be able to catch this person White-handed You could say this was hot to see Yeah, I see Meet me here after work And then the person shows up thinking it's going to be some sort of circle jerk

Or the very least a line jerk That's when two people are sort of cranking it In the office bathroom And so that turns that person on And then it sort of leads them to there And then you can fire them in a group setting I actually don't hate that What I was also thinking was you can just

Go whole hog on thinking you know who it is And write the note that is like No more porn in the bathroom, Ron And then like Ron will stop And if it wasn't Ron Then whoever it was will be like Wow, I almost got caught out

That's too close for comfort I'm not going to do that anymore Thank God they think it's Ron Do you replace the magazine with the note Or do you just write it with lipstick on the magazine I would I would keep the magazine Write the note over

Like the pornographic image So like whoever it is They open it up And they are expecting to see the porn But instead it's the note That's cool, it's like a center fold And it sort of just rolls out of the mag Remember the center folds

Did you ever have a playboy when you were a kid I didn't but some of my friends Dads had them And that was sort of exciting to find But I could never By the time I was 18 To buy the playboys we already had the internet So we had to like

Stumble upon them as a tween My death thread is a center fold Da-na-na-na-na-na Da-na-na-na-na-na-na It's a death threat Yeah, so you leave them sort of a Pretty nasty note in this Yeah, death threat

Not really a great move for the manager You know That's true Newly promoted first order of business Is threaten my employees with death For something we're not even sure Da-na-na-na-na-na Yeah

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For sponsoring this show And we have returned New phone placement Or you're sticking with the act 2 Phone placement of the phone boards behind your computer I think the act 2 But I'm not sure that it's better than the triangle So we're going to find out

We'll only know after it's too late We just have to sort of trust our gut Yeah, it feels like there's something I need something above my head You need to hang a robe You need to just basically put the robe over everything Cool, you're wearing the phone thing like a hat now I'm wearing it like a hat now

And I think this is kind of This is really where it needs to be But obviously it's hard to balance it Yeah Where's the other side balancing If you're holding like a hat I'll take a picture of this one So we see

Alright, picture taken People will see What sort of sacrifice you made To record this one Because now the phone is balanced on my On my computer and the top of my head It's creating kind of a bridge That's really good, actually

This might be the best one yet I think this is probably going to be the one that sounds the best Which is, you know, this is tough to recreate Yeah It's hard to balance it And it's hard on your neck, I'm sure Because it's a little extra weight while you talk A little bit, yeah

The other is just like unrelated to all of this I'm on like a chair That's breaking So it's all So tenuous Plastic desk Breaking chair, phone balanced on my head Yeah, it's like this is when we should be

Leveling up And it seems like you got fired or something And we're trying to like make things happen On our own in like this new studio Apartment that you rented in Queens or something It's all back to The towel fort days That feels like

If anything, the towel fort was Ahead of where you are now in that room That's true Which was ten years ago Getting worse But we digress Of course, yes That was also sort of a

Double entendre We're digressing from the conversation But also we're digressing in the grand scheme That's really good Almost golden mic worthy You hadn't So close Why did I not get one

Because you didn't get it Phone on or whatever Phone on If you're missing out on noodles And you got the golden mic earlier For a joke you can't even fucking remember It's like that was Courses

As The foam starts to slide down your head I guess You deserve the golden mic I need it That's all you have at this point I need this, I really do We got another Canadian

This might be an all Canadian episode Whoa, that's cool This is a 20 year old Canadian Male A 20 year old Canadian male Exciting I feel like we've called somebody Wayne Gretzky A lot because he's the first Canadian I know

Drake, Drake's Canadian The guy from Sum41 Derek Derek from Sum41 writes There's this super cute girl That comes into work pretty regularly Because I work at a coffee shop and it's not been super busy So whenever she comes in

We get to flirting and last week I asked her out for drinks I ended up having to postpone our date Because I had a bunch of school work To which she replied I might regret asking you But how old are you I figured I'd round up a few months And I told her I was 21

We ended up grabbing a few drinks A couple days later and it turns out that she's 24 It's become a bit of a joke between us That I pretend I don't know any bands formed In the 90s and I figured she has no idea How the internet works We've been out a few times since then

And while I had my fair share of opportunities To tell her I'm not actually 21 yet I've kept it quiet She keeps mentioning it mostly in jest She's creeping on a 21 year old And I can sense that she's a little insecure about it Have I screwed myself? How do I tell her now? Do I need to forge a new birth certificate?

I can't help but feel that coming clean Might make me look Super immature and that a four year Age difference might be too much for her But is waiting to tell her the truth Even worse It would be difficult to celebrate my 21st birthday soon And have her find out that I lied from the beginning

Much love Derek from SUM41 Okay It seems like earlier is better Like as soon as possible Or do you wait until you're actually 21 So she's like, okay well at least Now you're 21

And that's fine How soon will you be 21? It seems like it's a couple months away Took another photo of you Why? The foam is now starting to encroach Into the frame and it's Much more aesthetically interesting

It looks like it's weighing You down and it's starting to Soft You're getting Pushed under the weight of the foam I wonder if my I'm gonna just kind of arrange my hair And beard also to be

A little sound Talking Into the sides of my hair Looks nice Yeah do you tell her now or do you tell her After you turn 21 then she's like Alright you lied to me but now you are Actually 21

Yeah I guess it's interesting because like When you tell someone earlier Your relationship isn't that solid And it's easier for her to Call it off But also It is a lie

And you could also Be more detrimental in the future It'll feel bigger the longer it goes on Right But he can't keep it alive forever because Sooner or later they're gonna celebrate a birthday Yeah but and then she'll be like Oh finally you're 22 and then it'll

Then he's gonna have to say Actually Now I'm 21 You could pretend like he didn't know Oh my god, wait a minute 96, 97, yeah You gotta be shitting me I can't believe it

I guess I repeated the second grade Or some weird shit like that My parents lied to me I mean I feel like the difference between 20 and 24 is not That huge Like I'm three years older than Jill Well the older you get the less of a big deal it is

So like 20 to 24 Is bigger than like 30 and 34 Right but in Canada I feel like the big thing is really like You wanna be able to get a drink With somebody Like Isn't the drinking age 18 in Canada

I think it's 19 Right so either way you're good Yeah So it's not as big of a deal as it is In America So do you say it right away? What would you do? I think I would

It's really hard to come clean I guess I would Ah I'm trying to put myself in this situation For real what would I do? Imagine you're not under a foam ceiling Right now I would do it because I would be more afraid

Of the Of it being worse in the future Especially if you like her If you actually like her then I think you have to And The difference between 20 to 21 Is not huge It's like the difference

Between 24 to 21 Yeah and it's really just a few months And you could also You don't have to be like I'm 20 You can also just be like Actually I turned 21 In 3 months Right well that's what I'm saying

If you wait till your birthday you can be like You know how I told you I was 21 And she'd be like yeah And you could be like I am And then she'd be like oh what And then you're like alright I think that's funny I think it's great

I am 21 now Which is pretty good And you're like I sort of always round up So I'm turning 22 In 6 months And then I'll be 22 from that 6 month mark To the 6 month mark afterwards So that's what you would do

You would wait till your birthday Yeah wait till the birthday But that's just me I'm just obscene This is like Everybody Do you think Eminem recorded that album in a room like this With a piece of foam on his head

No of course not It does not There's no way he was Sitting in a room An echo-y cavernous room with a foam on his head going Na na na na na Na na na na No way

Absolutely Na na na na Na na na na So you're saying right away And I'm saying wait till you're 21 And she can't break up with you on your birthday At the next opportune moment You just say oh by the way

I'm turning 21 I'm turning 21 Did I say he was 21? I'm turning 21 And if you've misheard that I'm mad at you for not listening to me You often like just ignore the shit that I say You sort of turn it back

You don't want to hear That's your problem And then if you're mad at her And then she's mad at you You go let's just call this whole thing off It's my birthday Let's squash the beef You're calling the fight off

You create a fight To counteract her fight And then you say let's just squash the beef Let's call it off Yeah Let us know Please We need more follow up pups

And let's actually read it this time For real Okay, that's it, that's our time Thank you for listening Thanks for submitting your questions and theme songs The email address for all that jazz Is ifirishow at gmail.com Yeah

And if you want more of us, there is more of us On our Patreon Correct, patreon.com.com.j.a Yeah, things are sort of getting lit there Because we not only have These Outtakes to the new Jake and Amir videos But we still have over 180

Jake and Amir rewatch episodes Jesus, we have that many episodes Yes, we also have over 70 video podcasts That we recorded like two years ago That's pretty solid We also have the outtakes to the new Jake and Amir's Yeah, and we have

Jake and Amir, J&A, AMAs We have about 35 of those Stuff in the last three years here, people Goddamn, yeah, check it out And every new subscriber Actually goes towards supporting us Making Jake and Amir videos again So that's helpful too

Indeedo, three online Now, and three more coming out And then we gotta just keep recording Keep shooting more Non-stop, maybe So thanks to everybody that's supported us There, thanks to everybody that's listening Now, and we will be back

Of course, next week, of course Oh, the outro It's a satirical cover of Yesterday by the Beatles If you could shout out Our podcast Lawn Boys Hosted by three good friends And this guy named Mudsyag Mudsyag, Sigmund

Mudsyag, I wish I knew Munsyag, Munsyag Anyway, shout out to the Lawn Boys Shout out to Yesterday by the Beatles Enjoy this cover, we'll be back, bye Peace Yesterday Oh, my act, I seem so far away

Now I get it from a podcast show Oh, I believe In these two guys Suddenly I'm not half the chipmunk I used to be There's a Starbucks hanging over me Oh, Yesterday came suddenly Why she had to go

I don't know, I need advice I said something weird Now I long for a mirror Yesterday D&D was such an easy game to play Now Nyak needs a place to hide away Oh, I believe And you go

Why she had to go You would know I need advice I said something weird Now I long for a mirror Yesterday I didn't know what to do In came the advice of these two Jews Oh, I believe

And if I were you