If I Were You - 508: A Good Cry (w/Michael Cruz Kayne!)

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

Writer and fellow Headgum podcaster, Michael Cruz Kayne joins us to discuss bedwetting, Canadians, and his new podcast: "A Good Cry!"See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original.

This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is the headgum original. This is the headgum original. This is a headgum original.

This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. It's unbelievable. A stepdad I'm behind.

I'm totally for, if a stepdad is, that's allowed nowadays, but the, your own dad. But the fact that it's your own blood relic, I don't know where they, I don't know where our fans come up with this crap. It's trash, it's drivel, it's vile. He says that he actually pieced together quotes from our old videos to make it, so.

So you, that's, wow. Jesus, that's eye-opening. Damn it, I didn't think that. The U69 your own dad? Yeah, and I wrote it specifically. At a rave, yeah. At a rave, yeah. Wonderful.

But you have to understand, this was a video about Jake wearing a new shirt. Oh, okay, well then, in that case, it's necessary. You're a comedy writer, so you sort of get it. The moment that I hear a new shirt, I'm like, well, someone in this sketch is gonna 69 his dad at a rave, for sure. Yes, it's like the gun thing.

Chekhov's guns, the gun. Did you say it's like the gun thing? Yeah, you know that classic gun thing? Chekhov's guns. Whoa, Chekhov's guns. I've done a few of these theme songs now, says Dustin Clark, and I swear I'll have something to promote one day, but today is not the day.

So thank you, thanks Dustin. Whoa, can we swoop in and promote Michael's podcast right off the bat then? Cause there's, this is a nice little slot for promo. Swoop in. Yes. Yeah, we have like an open publicity slot, and Jake's like, we should always be selling.

If it's not Dustin's shit, it's this podcast. Yeah, well you guys may be Venmo you a hundred bucks each to do this podcast. We don't have to talk about that. That one's sort of, it's behind the scenes stuff. It's boring, people don't necessarily care. The ins and outs, how difficult it was to set up

this podcast recording to begin with. 40 minutes have gone by without a single sound being recorded. I wanna release my audio note of just us like trial and error, not able to record any of our audio. That's what I wanna do. The podcast is a good cry. That is.

It's a new podcast on the Head Gum Network hosted by you, Michael Cruz. That's right. You are hosting it. It's a good cry. It's a podcast on the Head Gum Network hosted by Michael Cruz Kane, and it's a podcast about what's the funniest subject

you can think of, grief? Well, that's the one I chose. So it's a podcast about that. When does this, when does this come out? This, what we're doing right now? This will come out a week from yesterday. Okay. So then.

October 4th. That episode of the podcast is already out and the guest on it is unbelievable. So I really hope you'll check it out. Whoa, it's a secret. You're not even allowed to say. I can't. It's out at this point.

It's already out, so I guess it's not a secret. Yeah, okay, so let me do that again. The guest is Stephen Colbert, and he is. Holy shit. And he is incredible. I mean, you know he's incredible because he's a legendary person, but also on the subject, double, put a little,

not even double, put an exponent on it. You know what I'm saying? Whoa. Yeah. I cannot wait to listen. I can't wait to listen. It seems like when Colbert is best when he's like being thoughtful

and also really funny at the same time, it's just like a tear jerking smile of joy. He is so thoughtful. That's like, what makes the episode wild is like how every word feels like the exact perfect word. From him. From me, it sounds like my brain is falling down the staircase, but everything he says is perfect.

It sounds like a poem. And you haven't recorded it yet, right? That's correct. That's just a prediction. Yeah. He has actually, the only response he's given me so far is a restraining order, but we'll see.

I believe in myself. Yeah. The restraining order was poetry though. Yeah. Oh my God. Stunning. E. Cummings wrote it. Thoughtful.

It's incredible. I actually have a picture with Stephen Colbert that I took at Penn Station. Yes, Penn Station in like 2008. It was pouring rain. I was with my buddy, Jeff Rubin, and we're like, that's Stephen Colbert. We gotta ask for a picture.

And it's like us too, like dressed up in like these coats that make us dry drenched because it was pouring rain. And Stephen Colbert was a good sport about it. Took a photo with us. Stephen Colbert at that time was at Penn Station. I don't think, I mean, what, I feel like he's been on TV for a while. He was shooting BB guns at what he said was poor people.

So maybe that's what it was. No. Because he wasn't actually there to take pictures. You didn't see it, Stephen Colbert. Let us see the photo. We'll tell you if it's Colbert or not. Yeah, this guy with this fucking weird tattoo on his forehead and a buzz head.

He's five foot two, four eighty-ish. I was high out of my gourd, but I think it was Colbert. You shot you with a BB gun, right? Cause you looked poor that day. You were wearing a poncho. Yeah. I was wearing just a fleece.

You know, the worst thing you could wear in a rainstorm. Oh, we have fun. That's exciting. It is. It is exciting. What makes you the expert? What made you even want to talk about this for the podcast?

The reason that I wanted to talk about it is that 12 years ago, almost exactly, my, I have a son who died. We have, my wife and I had twins. I mean, she had them. I don't know. I never know what the right thing to say is there. I always feel like I don't say that I did it,

that I'm out. As men, we have to take it back. We have to become the birther. Yes. Yes. So we had twins and one of them very unexpectedly died, which is the worst thing that happened, I mean, sort of in my life.

And also, I think in the life of almost every single person that I know. And I didn't talk about it really at all for many, many years. And then when I suddenly got up the courage to start talking about it, I realized that a lot of people want to talk about, like a lot of people have some kind of thing like that in their lives

that they never talk about. And I found that it's a lot easier for me to talk about it with people because I get it on some level that maybe people who have not experienced some kind of tragedy like that, those people maybe don't get it. It's hard to talk to people who haven't lost things or people in that way.

Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. And we're also, we have like an instinct to sweep grief under the rug or like brush past it. You don't, it's almost, I don't know. It's like, we have something in our culture that makes it feel impolite.

Yes. Well, I'm so sorry, let's change the subject to something that makes me not sad, quick. That's very true. I think the thing that I find myself doing whenever people ask me about it is telling them, being like, you know, this happened to me and then checking in with them visually,

just to be like, are you okay? Cause I know this thing happened to me, but I also know that me telling you is going to like fuck you up for a week, that you're going to be like, wait, I didn't even know that could happen. Oh wow. So yeah, this hopefully is a chance

for people who have gone through this kind of stuff to talk about it and for people who listen to it to be like, oh, I guess that other people have had these kinds of experiences also. Like for me, I was never aware of how many people had gone through something fucking terrible until this happened. And then out of the woodwork,

even people that I'd known for years would just be like, oh, I never told anybody, but this happened to me five years ago. And there's just so much of that in the world. The idea is to bring it out in the open. Yeah. Wow. That's really powerful.

I feel like my family is the same way. Whenever something bad happens, they're like, it's fine, it's fine, we don't have to talk about it. Yeah, it's fine. Let's get, what do you guys want? Chimichangas? That kind of a thing. Right.

We would never get chimichangas, but everything else is correct. Okay, good. And on a slightly more lighthearted note, we have questions from real people who are in situations a little bit less grief inducing than what you just described. Everybody's got their own thing.

That's like a little saying I came up with, like a little original thought that I had. Everybody's got their own thing. Yeah, actually, everyone's got their own thing. Colbert said if you stole it from him on his podcast. Yeah, I met Colbert. I don't know if I told you this at Penn Station a long time ago, and he said that to me.

That was me. Actually, we have a question from somebody who's afraid that they're being quote, too emotional. So that's sort of on theme. This is a 20 year old lady from Canada. We want to give her a fake name, you know, just to preserve her anonymity in case anybody wants to, like they hear this question, they want to take pictures

with her at Times Square, Penn Station, Mort authority, wherever. She becomes a hero, like an avatar for emotionality all around the world. Exactly. So we just need a fake name for a 20 year old lady in Canada. What do you got?

I think Angela. I feel Angela. That's good. That feels like a fake name. Yeah, Angela vibes. Almost rhymes with Canada. Yeah. It does almost rhyme.

That's a really good astute observation. Hold on a second, I'm gonna tweet it. Let me see if I can. What would it say? I'll, you know, figure it out. I don't have my Twitter login. Fuck it. Whoa, it's blowing up.

Michael tweeted it. Yeah, I tweeted it. Colbert retweeted it. Holy shit. It just won a Peabody. The most important piece of journalism of this year. I mean, I don't see it. Oh, that's what Oprah's saying.

I guess Angela almost rhyming with Canada. Okay, Angela Canada writes, I'm a 20 year old lady from Canada and I've been running into a problem over and over again. I'd like to think I'm a good person whose friends and loved ones can come into, oh, who could come to in times of need. However, I find myself almost incapable

of really being there for people as whenever I hear of something that is stressing out a friend or family member, I also become incredibly stressed. This is to the point where if I see someone else crying, I start sobbing most of the time, harder than the person who is crying in the first place. I wanna be a good friend and partner

and I just don't know how to put my emotions aside when I see someone hurting. Was this problem either of you ever had or am I just emotionally incompetent as a titmouse? Any advice would be appreciated. Was her parameter for emotional incompetence was a titmouse? Yes, because whenever you disclose your woes

to a mouse or a rat and they just don't get a scurry away. They make it about them, kind of. Yeah, exactly. Running into a garbage bag. Also, PS, old news at this point, but Jake's Panic Attack episode really helped me as I'm quite anxious myself. Jake, remember your Panic Attack disclosure?

That was you sort of being emotionally intelligent, opening up. Yeah, that was being vulnerable. Were you talking about an episode of the podcast or an episode that like you had an episode? Podcast, God, yeah, I would never describe it as an episode, it was a chapter of Jake's life. Post-Panic Attack, yeah.

Gotcha, PPA. I have the opposite problem where people are crying to me and I'm like, I don't know if it's just the way I was raised or my brain or whatever I am the way I am. I find it hard to sympathize and empathize with other people who are like, they could be breaking down and crying and I would just be like, God, I'm getting nervous.

I don't know how to react, I'm so sorry. I would never cry with them and I definitely don't cry harder than them. If someone's crying to me, they will never see me sobbing even more than them. Yeah, I almost never. That's too empathetic. I almost never cry when somebody, if you're sad, I'm almost definitely not gonna be sad.

Right. If anything, I'm happier by comparison. Know what I mean. You're sad, thus I'm better than you and I'm better. No, my words are being twisted. All right, we gotta go, but thank you, Michael, so much for coming on the show. What I mean is, if there's a sad thing that happens,

the first person in my world, the first person to get sad is the person who gets to be the saddest person and everybody else is like, all right, let's see if we can help you out. But then once that person is good, somebody else can be sad. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I'm not talking about how the world should be.

I'm just saying that's how it normally operates. I feel, you got one sad person, everybody else is like, are you okay? And then once that person is okay, somebody else is like, okay, it's my turn to have an emotional breakdown. Yeah, I'll be the sad one. That's what happens in my world also.

If somebody is crying, I'm not like, I'm also sad, that's where I go into like, let me try to help, let me fix it mode. So, and I usually think that the best way to fix it is to not cry also. It's usually to be some kind of like rational. Emotional rock. Yeah, you have to be a rock.

You have to be strong, thoughtful, impenetrable. Yeah, yes, you know what you have to do? Jokes aside, you gotta listen. You gotta be ready to listen to whatever's gonna be said because what I always say is, everybody's got their own thing. That's kind of like my- I heard that.

That's my little like- Where have I heard that? You probably heard a lot of people say it. It was trending. I have, you can see that I have a tattoo of it across my chest and back. Which means I did it first. Yeah, it's got the little R over it.

I don't know what the R stands for, but it has that. The tattoo registered trademark. I don't think that's it, but all right. It's on your person. Know what it stands for. Christ. Did Angela have a question or are we just, I forget. I guess the question is, am I overly emotional?

It sounds like you are very emotional. You're an empath, which is good. I feel like combining one being okay with being emotional because that's not really something you can change the reactions that you have. But like, I like what Michael said about listening. Cause if you see someone crying and you just start crying, you don't actually know what they're going through

and what they're upset about. But you listen, you hear what they're upset about. It actually could be something that you can help with or that you understand. So you don't necessarily have to just take on every people, everyone's emotion, because I forget who said it, but everyone has their own thing. You just have to, is that-

That's really good, Jake. 100%, no, guys, that's my, that's like kind of my whole deal. I think we were- To Jake, really. We talked about it all the time. The thought of- You did the Angela and Canada thing.

And the originator was yours. I think everyone has their own thing. A wordsmith unlike any other. God damn it. I drink to the end, I salute thee. And in fact, I'm sending you $1,000 on Venmo. No! I just got it with that.

Oh my God. Oh, I need it. What was it? Everyone has a, what was it? Something that's good for everyone. Everyone has their own thing. That's my- Something like that.

Epic. I could really use $1,000 as the real bummer of this whole thing. I was gonna say to Angela that I don't think it makes you emotionally incompetent. Was that the word? Or would I just throw incompetence in there? As a tip mouse, yeah, that's what she said.

But I do, I think as you've said, Jake, I do think that no one can or maybe even should try and take away from you the way that you feel when you encounter these strong emotions. But also, I think it's probably tough for someone to come to you with a really bad problem and have you be more upset than they are. Because I could see that, and I'm not blaming you

for your reaction, I'm just saying, you might find that your friends are like, I can't go to Angela with this because then I gotta spend an hour making her feel better about what happened to me. And I think it's partially understanding that when people come to vent or complain or share their sadness with you,

that's actually helping them feel better. So you don't have to meet them at their sadness. You can know that them sharing is kind of unloading, it's offloading, it's not necessarily something that you have to carry, you can just leave it to the side. It's nice to be able to share with your friends. Yeah. And I guess, like, they're friends,

sometimes you want someone to cry with when you're sad and sometimes you want someone to tell you it'll be better, sometimes you want people to see like, that does suck and I'm in it with you. So like, maybe your friends can pick and choose whether they come to you or not, knowing that you're probably, you'll probably one of those ones that cry along with

your friend versus a Jake or a me that will sort of sit across from them, arms folded and say, they're there, they're there actually for that. Yeah, say they're there in a way that is vaguely threatening. They're there, they're there, they're there. Yeah, that's enough.

I really do, I didn't, I have never done it before but the throwing in the third there really makes it sound awful. They're there, they're there, they're there, they're there. That seems, that seems bad. That's aggressive, yeah. That's illegal. All right, hope it helps.

Let's take a break and answer some more questions on the other sides of these messages. I'm gonna send you the picture of me and Colbert too. Why don't you guys to see this? Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes, thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it

and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade.

I do not brag about completing it, I brag about acing it. Cause you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress, thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right, and if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows.

Amazing, free pillows, come on. Yes, this is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference

and they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing, thank you Helix, sleep well. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts

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Just sign up with promo code if I were you for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow, no long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial,

free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Michael Kruzkain, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit of a device. Oh, it's a little bit of a device. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Can I just, because can you just say, can you just say what that person, was that you talking in the song? No. I think it sounded like me, but I don't think it was. I sing unsolicited advice. No, you do not.

Yes, I did. I think you say unsolicited advice. No, I think that was the guy who's recorded. Honestly, not sure. I think he sampled my voice, but whatever happened, he definitely sampled your voice. Saying what? Then I say, I act as though, sort of shedding a,

holding a mirror to society in a way saying, Mom, I'm coming like my mother is walking on me, masquerading, which is sort of a coming of age. A coming of age? Story, told within three words. He asked what you said and you said, I held a mirror to society. That's what you said.

That's what I'm saying. So yeah, I guess I did come up with it and I'm now I'm proud to say that I said it. The focus on sexual acts that involve one's own parents and this program is really something. Yeah. That's the premise of the podcast. Kind of accidentally, yes.

It comes out a lot. It's the theme in our career. Beyond just this podcast, it sort of follows us around because we invented, created and cultivated this sort of. Yeah, you guys are both known individually as like the edipuses of comedy. That's like kind of your idea. That's your deal.

That's right. Okay, unsolicited advice, what do you got for us? Okay, my unsolicited advice is prefer the pool to the ocean. It's pools over oceans. Okay. All day. So if you got a choice, you have an option, you got to go pool.

This is really interesting because this has come up recently in my life with my wife. Oh, this is at your Malibu house, Jake. So Jake has this place with an infinity pool that overlooks that private entrance into the beach. And you're always like fighting. I can hear you yelling.

You're like, we're not going there. We're not going there. We have it all and we're not happy because we disagree on which body of water is better. So Jake, are you more of a pool guy or a beach guy? I love any body of water, but I do really like the beach. You prefer the beach? I think, yeah, I could see you getting mad.

Unbelievable. I've never seen. I think I just prefer. I came here once. They're there, they're there. I think I prefer the beach. I think I do. But tell me why pool is better.

Yeah, tell me on pool. The environment is much more controlled. Even the temperature. You don't have a bunch of wackadoos running around, throwing their boomerangs and whatnot. And there's, I think of the ocean as sort of the toilet of the world. And it's just, it's disgusting to me as well.

Yeah, come visit the largest toilet is what you say every time someone suggests going to Hawaii. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you mean God's outhouse? No, thanks. You mean the eye of the toilet as it flushes? I think I'm good. I'll pass is how I feel.

Yeah, no, so I guess if I'm thinking like private pool, like my friend's nice pool or something or like a really nice infinity pool, I'm into that. But like most of my pool experiences have been at like hotels or something where there's a ton of children and like loud house music. And it's not as relaxing as like when I'm, I guess like, yeah, what I'm thinking of is like

an empty beach with just the sound of the ocean, the waves. I'm sitting in a beach chair reading a book whenever I get too hot. Oh, sound of the, no, listen to me. Sound of the ocean, man, there's nothing better. The sound of the ocean. So you just hate the other. I love the sound.

I'm trying to get in the ocean, that's what it is. Yeah, the sound is great, the look is good, but the feel, no thank you. What are your thoughts on sand? Sorry, Jake, one second here. I'm ready to ask a question and it's this. Yeah, that's not how fucking the podcast works. You're steamrolling me.

One second, I'm gonna mute your ass. You know, you can go for it. Mine was actually really interesting, what was yours? Something about a towel? I has to be like the beach or something. I don't remember, cause you're fucking. Exactly, you don't remember, cause it was a nothing question. It was a zero question, it deserves no response.

We're making conversation, we're just having small talk about the ocean. I think your issue is with the sand. You think my issue is with the sand? What are your thoughts on the sand of it all? I gotta tell you. I brought up sand earlier. There's no chance that's the issue.

Absolutely no chance. I'm perfectly fine with sand. It's the idea that like, I go in the ocean, I get a little bit, oh, I got a little bit of water in my mouth and then I'm like, oh, you know who shits in this water? Every fish, every fish, everyone, but I mean, definitely every fish, every fish shits in here.

I feel like they have to. They have no other option. People pee, you know, there's a lot of piss in the pool. No matter how much piss you put in that pool, man, it's not even close to the shit in the ocean. It's not anywhere near. What about like a pound per pound? It's probably volume wise.

I feel like it has to be. Ounce for ounce. Oh, you're talking about proportionally. Yeah, proportionally. There's a lot of fish in the ocean, but there's a lot of ocean. There's a lot of water there. I see, you're talking about the denominator

of our fraction is a large number. Yeah, it's exactly. One log per ocean is a much smaller fraction than a little bit of pee-pee. I have a friend who shits in the ocean though. I have a friend who like shit in the smaller swimming and that's uncouth. You know what that is?

That's just skipping the middleman is all that is because all the other shits are going in. Direct to consumer, farm to table. That's just skipping the middleman. Yeah, he's living a toilet free life. Yeah, because people, you poop in the toilet, man. That's not going to my pool. I could tell you that much.

I know where you're going. Treatment center or something? Yeah, but then where does the poop go? I don't know how it works, but eventually the ocean, I'm sure. Yeah, definitely. Wasn't there like a huge fucking, there's like a, there's a giant ball of trash somewhere

in the ocean that has like all of the, it's like all of like the wet wipes of the world have. Sure. Like a fatberg, is that what a fatberg is? Is that a, what a fatberg? What's a fatberg? Yeah, fatberg, I think it's just a giant iceberg of trash, right?

I don't know. I don't know. Fatberg was my nickname in high school. I used to weigh close to 400 pounds, Michael. I don't know if you know this before. And you're down to 380 now, right? You're down to 380. Yeah, bone dry.

It's a rock-like mass of waste matter in a sewer system formed by the combination of flushed non biodegradable solids, such as cat wipes. So maybe you're thinking, because your thing's in the ocean, it's not technically a fatberg, because it sounds like what you're saying. It has to be in a sewer.

It's a giant ball of trash, but I am looking at photos of fatbergs and it looks like a London, so. Now search fat, search fatburger. It's much more delicious and sounds scrumptious identically. Yeah, that's cool. I only had to put the ER,

even though it's spelled differently, because it's kind of showing me results for fatburger instead. I get it, yeah. Yeah, you can get a fried egg on there. That's really good. That's awesome. Oh my God, but then it said search instead

for fatburger, which I did, and took it back to the London sewer. Why? I don't know. Doesn't make sense. It's fun that it's British. I'm sure there's something, oh, top of the fatberg, something.

I don't have that. Yeah, it's charming. They have a cute name for everything. Their fucking giant clock is just called Big Ben. That's fun. They made a channel in a tunnel and they called it the channel. The Titanic sequel is about a boat

hitting a fatberg instead of an iceberg. Yeah, fatberg, straight ahead. Yeah, and all the people, exactly. And all the, the steerage class sort of just drowns in human feces and shit. But an incredible montage of dancing before that happens.

Absolutely awesome. Yeah, the band played on, my friends. Also, I just want to fact check. I'm pretty sure Big Ben is not the name of the face of the clock. Oh, it's the name of the actual tower? Or something. Or like it's the name of the bell or,

could we get a, is there a fact checker? You guys have a full-time fact checker? There is, yeah. Full-time live fact checker on the show? I mean, it's me. Faxing them. Let's, because I just searched fatberg. Yeah, Big Ben.

Is Big Ben the name of the clock? I don't think so. It's like the name of the bell or the name of the, the name of the- Or is it not even Big Ben? Like how are we all thinking of the same word but it's different? Like, is it actually called Big Ben

or something so random? The House of Parliament and Elizabeth Tower commonly called Big Ben are among the most iconic landmarks and must see, technically, Big Ben is the name given to the massive bell inside the clock. Let's go! Wow.

That's how we do it, man. That is trivia. That is trivial and it is trivia. I really did have to dig for that answer. But it was, it was worth it for you, pod listeners. No, for every person who listens to this. No, it shouldn't have, it was not worth it for me because I had to do something like work and then look dumb.

So that- I see. No, I think, I think, I think, but it humanizes you. I mean, I think that's what you're gonna do. That's good, yeah. No, I was, I was becoming godlike in the eyes of the podcast listeners. Yeah, you have like a cool Thor vibe.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's the beard. For the people listening at home, he's got a beard. And a giant hammer. Which is, I think, made out of foam. Is that why you were late today? You were sort of crafting that? Yeah, I was on Hollywood Boulevard

taking photos with people. Okay, we got another question from a bed wetter. Okay. A male in his late 20s. You got a fake name for this dude? Late 20s bed wetter, I'm gonna go Richard. I'm gonna go Richard. Richard bed wetter, unrelated to Linklater.

I am a male in my 20s who started seeing a girl around my age. Things were going well until one night we got pretty drunk. And after spending the night at her place, I woke up to find myself drenched in some odd liquid. I found myself in a place that I'm sure some of us have felt before thinking that I drunkenly wet the bed in the middle of the night,

hangover and still slightly drunk. I begin to panic as to what to do next when suddenly a brilliant idea came to mind. I went into the kitchen, got a glass of water and poured it on the bed. Then I woke up and I told her that I accidentally dropped the glass causing all the sheets to get wet.

She woke up understanding and we stripped the bed and all was well. I felt like a genius that I was somehow able to weasel my way out of this embarrassing episode. Over the next few days, I began to reflect on what had happened and to be honest, I have been known to drunkenly pee in somewhat odd locations over the course of my drinking career,

but I have never, ever wet the bed. It had also been years since my strange urinations had happened. It weighed a bit on my mind, but I let it go. Fast forward a few weeks later and I find myself drunk at the same girl's house. Things go well again and I spend the night and imagine my surprise when I wake up the next morning

in a soaked mattress. This time I'm thinking, what the hell is going on? As it was still pretty early in the morning, I decided to ignore it and was able to move to a dry spot and drift back to sleep. When I woke up later on, this girl was nowhere to be seen. I got up, got dressed, only to find her asleep on the couch. I said goodbye and I told her I'd text her.

As I'm leaving, I begin to start putting some things together. She moved the couch so clearly she knew the bed was wet, but she moved to the couch, but didn't say anything about it. At this point, it hits me. She's the bed wetter, right? How can she not be?

This is two times in a row, I woke up drenched and it's with the same girl. So my question is, she must know she's the bed wetter, right? She knows she's a bed wetter and still let me take the blame for the first time, right? Is this a deal breaker? Should I bring it up? I feel like I took the blame for something I didn't do,

but I also feel somewhat gross about it. Eddie, oh, PS, the sex was great, so keep that in mind. Any insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Wow. Wow. What a fucking Seinfeld episode that was. Yeah, Jesus. The twists, the turns, the bed wetting, the getting out of it, the getting back into it.

Just because she moved to the couch doesn't mean that she's the one that did it. She could have just woken up and felt your piss, right? Nah, it's her. I think it's her. I'm pretty sure it's her. That is her. That girl is her.

That girl is, yeah, the original draft for that song is very pronoun heavy. Never trust a big button to smile. That girl is her. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, bam. Because the glass of water thing isn't an insane thing. That's insane. No one believes that, but she...

Imagine how lucky she felt when she's like, oh my God, she dropped water on my piss and the whole thing. I got away scot-free, scot-free, scot-free. You still have piss on the bed. You have to clean it. It's on the mattress. Yeah, but you strip it.

It's on the mattress. You have to put, no, you have to fucking put Resolve on the mattress. It's not like you just got out of it by throwing the sheets in there. I think he's right. I think the sheets absorb enough. No, they do not.

I mean, what are you talking about? You've never had anyone piss in your bed, I have. And the sheets, it goes all the way to the mattress? I don't think that's right. I think Amir, what it sounds like is Amir's had multiple people piss on his bed and he's being disillusioned. I haven't done anything, yeah.

He's been like, no, it's all absorbed by the top sheet, right, did all that take soap cell up? No, but you're sleeping on a piss pad. Well, there's multiple layers. I don't know if she's pissing on top of the duvet, there's a cupboard, there's the top sheet, there's the regular sheet. She's sleeping above the duvet?

Yeah, it's hot. It's a summer sleepover. Yeah, and they sleep on top of the duvet. I don't think so. Yeah, or straddling a pillow. And you don't say that or hope she didn't piss on top of the duvet because then that would get sopping wet and it would soak through to the mattress.

It doesn't fucking, it doesn't just sit on the top. This is, what if you have a mattress pad? Who thinks the fucking sheet is a poncho? You know, like it's not a rain jacket. I'll put my mattress in a diaper and hope for the worst. It's a fucking pool cover. Just sleeping on a rubber pool cover. Just the idea of you asking her to sleep on,

if you wouldn't mind sleeping on top of the duvet. I just had this problem earlier. I spilled some fucking soup in the bed. Split pea soup is all. It's cranberry juice, it's cranapple. Listen, Richard, you're the woman, and also here's the thing about that story. I never know at what age it's no longer cool

to start saying girl. He's saying 20s, he's saying girl. I would say at that age, I would say woman. I feel like it's, you know, diminutive, is that the, disrespectful is not the word I meant before, but maybe also works to describe that person as a girl. But some people are doing it willy-nilly with people almost to their 30s,

and when they say it, I'm like, oh, that sounds good, that works. Yeah, I think the issue is that there's like, there's the perfect one for guys. It's like boy, man, but there's this perfect in between that's just guy, guy is anything. It doesn't really matter. And then sometimes woman almost feels like

too formal of a word. Yeah, I agree. And girl feels a little, yeah, it feels a little weird. And there really isn't a middle, what is it, would it be like chick? I don't know, chick feels very disrespectful. I think that seems worse. Yeah.

Glass? Glass? Maybe, yeah, maybe it's Mademoiselle. Young adult. Yeah. It's Mademoiselle. I think, I mean, can I call for listeners to email us? Email us what you think, the right, can I say that?

What do you, email us at? Why would you show it to email or just tweet at us? I think that's what age range are you looking for? I won't get it. I won't ever see it, but these guys will. 24 to 36, that's, I feel like that's kind of a mid range. A nebulous, there's no, there's no designation for a person of that exact age.

What's a millennial woman called? Yeah, how do you, what's the word you use to talk about millennial women? And we definitely need to know over the bed. Pissed in a bed, and we really need to talk about it. Oh yeah, should he bring it up? No? I don't think he knows for a fact that it was her,

just because she moved to the couch. I don't think this, I don't think that any of this is known knowledge. Hundred, I'm telling you a hundred percent it's her. I, without a shadow of a doubt, she pissed the bed at least twice and she's gonna do it again. She's gonna do it again for sure. So you're either gonna bring it up or you're gonna have,

or you stop seeing her, or every time you hook up with her, you're gonna wake up in a wet bed. And every time you're gonna have to come up with some, the two of you will have to tacitly agree on some cockamamie reason that is not, oh, she pissed the bed again. Yeah, here's the thing, piss isn't that gross. Is that fair to say?

I don't, like if I slept somewhere and someone pissed in the bed, I wouldn't be like, oh my God, this is nasty. I think I would, I think I would be, I would be. I mean, I guess the toilet, the ocean being the toilet thing, that's, yeah, I don't like, other people's pee-pee and poo-poo is not for me. I mean, I know you're not saying poo-poo is fine,

I'm just saying pee-pee. If someone shit in the bed, I'd be upset, but if pee-pee is fine, pee-pee is good for me. You're down, you're down. Okay, that's great, that's beautiful. I'm not like down, yeah, but yeah, like not like a piece. You're pro, you asked them to. I'm not.

You prefer it, in a way, to not pee-pee. Yeah, when you're on CasperMatresses.com or whatever, you're like, do you have one of these that comes pre-peed? That's kind of like, yeah. Whenever we do our helix ads, they ask you to ad-loop, and I say it on pro-pee. But here's one thing that I noticed, because when he had done it,

he was fine with just like spilling water, throwing the sheets in the wash, never thinking about it again. But when she did it, he's like, this is kind of gross, should I, is it a deal breaker? So I don't think it's a deal breaker, because it wouldn't have been a deal breaker if it had happened to you.

But I think he would have understood if she had been like, no, you pissed the bed, you gotta go. I think everybody is allowed to say the person that they're intimate with has pissed in the bed. I think everyone is allowed to say, that's gonna be a no from me, that's gonna be a no. I'm empowering the listeners, I'm empowering them with that option.

And I'm pro-pee enough that I don't think it's a deal breaker. I think it's worth talking about, what happened, did you piss in the bed, or did I piss in the bed? Because someone pissed in the bed, you know? I think, I do think you should bring it up. I think if that was the original question,

I would for sure bring up, who is it that's pissing in this bed? Right. Can I recommend waiting for a third time? Of course you can. You can do anything, whatever you want. Let's wait five more times to bring it up. Is that fair to say, the 10th time's the charm?

10th pee, put your foot down. What you gotta do is you gotta stay awake the whole night. You gotta stay awake the whole night. Oh. You gotta stay awake the whole night. With a fuckin' flashlight. Yeah, and then don't, but the worst case scenario would be you stay awake all night with a glass of water,

and then you drop that in the bed at five in the morning, and then you're like, oh, shit, I don't know if it was me or her now. That's a great ending to the episode, thank you. I also, can I say one more thing, can I say one more thing? I think so. Okay, the other thing I wanted to say is, have either of you ever done a thing

where you have accidentally, like I have peed in a urinal, and the back splash has gotten on my, some sprinkles on the pants. I have then washed my hands and deliberately dried them near the splash to be like, oh, that must be from when I, there weren't any paper towels.

So, that must be, there's no pee, none of this is pee. This is all a Neanderthal hand washing. Definitely, yes. No, I have a very small bladder. I think that's why I'm not grossed out by pee. I'm often needing to pee in small containers, pee in bottles while I'm driving, pee on the side of the road,

pee against buildings, go into weird bathrooms, beg people that don't have public restrooms if I can use the bathroom at their store. So, yeah. And you're, I should say your dick is so thin you can actually pee inside of a Mexican Coke can while driving, right?

I don't know if you should say that. I actually don't think you should say that. You said I should say this? I'll just to paint the picture, because those bottles have a very thin top. Yeah, the aperture at the top of one of those models is pretty small. I know.

Yes, I don't. I know that it's small. I know that it's thin. Your dick is thinner than the stream, which is seemingly impossible. How can that be? It creates a paradox in space time when you urinate. No, it's so thin that it comes out in a cone.

It's like that hose setting that sprays wide. That's disgusting. I think we really need to take a break for that. Sprays wide. Come on. You said I fucked in a Coke bottle, Mexican Coke. We have a guest.

Mom, I'm coming. 69, my dad. We have a guest. The piss cone was gross. This question's about piss. I can put my foot down. In a way, in a way, it's also about, like when I said mom, I'm coming,

I feel like that's the same issue here. It's two young adults sort of discovering themselves, and I had the third. Is the other young adult your mom? What do you mean? Yes, she was nine when she had it. Oh my God. What?

And the cone was too much. And people advertise on this show? They advertise on this one that we're listening to right now? Oh, that's actually a great reminder. Let's take a break. Thanks for more sponsors, and we'll come back after these awesome sponsors that seemingly don't listen to the content of the episode.

I hope not. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. This might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah.

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We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want

directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah.

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody

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Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEDGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself

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All right, reminder. What's the name of that show again? A Good Cry? The show is called The Good Cry, yeah. Colbert episode, I hope to got. When does it drop? It drops this week then. Yeah, I think it is coming out.

I think when this comes out, I think it will have dropped last Thursday. Do you know what I mean? Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drop last Thursday. The future Thursday will become last Thursday when this actually drops.

Yeah, so when Jake is peeing from around his penis and time has inverted, this will come. Episode is, yeah. When we're the piss. The space time continuum has disrupted. Yeah, shattered. That's exactly right. That's an insane get right off the bat.

I feel bad for your second guest. I mean, where do you go from there from Colbert? And then it's like, all right, guest too. Do you already have that line up? My second guest is pretty big. It's Johnny Carson's ghost. So that's cool. Dude, this is savage.

So now I feel bad for the third guest. There's no way. Yeah. Because you're going from Colbert to the ghost. The third guest is Angela from Canada, actually. I got it. So you're just all over the place at this point. The fourth guest is a hose.

The fifth guest is Conan O'Brien. And the sixth guest is, I don't know, me or some shit. Oh man, we're having the time of our lives. I love it. Okay, can we answer one last question while we're here? This is about, I don't know why another Canadian male, we're big in Canada, Michael. I don't know if you knew that.

Oh good, that's what I'm trying to reach out to. That's what I want people in Saskatoon. Is that a place? Oh yeah, you'll be playing Calgary, don't you worry, and Saskatchewan, Halifax. Yes. We didn't sell out Edmonton, but we definitely heard about it, if that makes sense.

Edmonton, home of the Oilers. Home of the Edmonton Oilers. That's correct. Was that like a quick Norm MacDonald impression, RIP? I don't know, I don't know who that is. Awesome. Now you're ingratiating yourselves with Canada, Canadians. All right, this is a 25 year old male in Canada.

What are we going with here? That's all the information we have, 25 year old male in Canada? Yep. Yep. I think I'm going to go Chuck, I'm going to go Chuck. I like Chuck. I like that.

Everybody likes it, Chuck. There's no bad Chuck's. That can't be true. I'm a 25 year old, I'm a 25 year old, I guess Charles Manson, but he didn't really go by Chuck. Then there's Chuckie, the evil doll. If you were Charles Manson's friend, you called him Chuck, I think.

Yeah, if you would literally kill for him, you'd call him Chuck. Yeah, I think so. About three years ago, I met a woman online, now 26 and a female, and we've been together ever since. In December, I proposed and we're planning on getting married next fall. All right, the kicker is she comes

from a traditional Hispanic family and is afraid they wouldn't understand me being from a quote different country. I've spent a few weeks and several holidays with her parents and they love me, so I wish she would come clean. How do we- Wait, what?

He's from fucking Canada, he's afraid that this is bad. Is he from Canada? Yes, then we go through the wedding in either country without her parents finding out where I'm from. My fiance is planning on moving to Canada with me over the next few years and just telling her parents, I got a job there.

That's the lie, I guess. Thanks. So he met her- I mean, if you were dating a Canadian, you'd want to keep that under wraps too. My mom found out that my lover was from Toronto, they would disown me in a heartbeat. Yeah, if your mom found out that she herself was Canadian,

she would be devastated. She's 42. What, wait, I don't understand, I'm missing a key piece of this. So he, he's in the miscellaneous Hispanic country with her, is that the deal? No, I think they're from Florida. He's from Canada.

They're like, we're getting married and she's like, my fiance is from New York. And then it's like, uh-oh, they don't think I'm from Canada because it's a traditional Hispanic family and they're afraid they wouldn't understand me being from a quote different country. That seems crazy, I think they will.

They understand there's other countries. I think you've massively over-exoticized Canada. I don't think they're gonna, I don't know. I think it's the- It's the fiance, it's the same continent. It's not- It's an imaginary border that separates us. Yeah, I've never heard of people being anti-Canadian.

If anything, it's the Canadian family that would be like, why are you fucking marrying someone from Florida? That place is America's toilet, a.k.a. the ocean. Fucking surrounded by it. Yeah, I don't understand the problem here. I think you just say to the family, I'm from Canada, which I'm gonna bet you a hundred bones they already know. They're already like, yeah, we know-

Canadian? We know that you're from Canada. Yeah. We never once doubted it. We heard you say a boot, we heard you say sorry. That's exactly right. Yeah, it's clear. Or you can say you're from Minnesota.

It's the same fucking thing, like they don't know. I'm from Minnesota, okay, I'm from Windsor. Whoa, is that in Minnesota? Sure, whatever, Windsor, Detroit, Ontario, these are all the same fucking places in between Florida and California. That's actually- You're a nobody, man.

You stumbled on good advice though, during that bit. Don't say Canada, just say the town that you're from. Where did you say specifically the city that he's from? Yeah, it's from Canada City. No way. The most Canadian-souting city. That's not real, you're making that part up. He's not from a place called Canada City, shut up.

Like Toronto, you say I'm from Toronto. They're not gonna be like, isn't that in Canada? They'll just be like- Yeah, taking off their sunglasses. Like there's an LB team from Toronto. That's American. Yeah, I think they're even called

the Blue Jays or some shit. Like it's literally part of the league. Like I swear, I think there's an actual, like I know you were joking, but there's a fricking, like yeah, there's like real American players from there. Actually, probably Hispanic players from Florida, on the, what is it? The Blue Jays, you're gonna say Raptors.

On the Toronto Raptors, the baseball team. Yes. Have you heard of Jorge Garbajosa? He played for the Raptors and I think was Hispanic from Florida. Didn't- I wonder if there's a way to bring that up. Say that's you.

Didn't Jose Calderon play for the Toronto Raptors? Another, yes. He's not Hispanic from Florida. I think he's from Spain, yeah. That's exactly right. But still. But still that's a cultural touchstone for people. They could still be like, oh.

They probably love Calderon. Yeah, I'm sure that they do, or that they don't. There are a lot of options. Actually, a cameo from Calderon would go a very long way. See if you can get Calderon to come to the wedding. I think that would smooth things over. All right, I'm from Canada, but. What do you think, Jose?

Yeah, in the absolute, like the complete melee that ensues when you tell them you're from Canada. I mean, like the bloodbath that happens, if you can try to blurt out, but I know Jose Calderon, you might be okay. You have a photo of him on the phone or something like that. That's exactly right. Okay, cool.

Enjoy, good luck, Godspeed. Canada's fine, probably, you don't have to worry about it. Either that or we don't know what this Hispanic family is like and the wife is like, trust me, they will go eat shit, but if they truly love him, they'll learn to accept somebody from Winnipeg. I mean, yeah, but the other thing is to just trust your wife and let her lie,

because maybe she does something you don't. Yeah, that's a good point. It doesn't matter that they don't know, like. But I think at some point, it's gonna be very hard to maintain the illusion of never having been from Canada. Yeah, it gets weirder the longer you don't tell them. Like don't you have parents who are gonna come to the wedding and what's like, how will you keep this up?

At some point, you're gonna have to be like, I'm from Canada. No, they're gonna find, you just have to treat it like it's not a secret. I think that's probably. You have to treat it with the exact emotional weight that it deserves, which is none. Absolutely none.

Ha ha ha, sweet. All right, Michael, at this point, Jake usually gives out an award for best and worst podcaster of the show. That's not usually what happens. Isn't it? It happens throughout the episode. Yeah, I feel like it sometimes happens at the end

that you give out. You guys have done this before though, this podcast, right? Yeah, 500 episodes. And Jake has won what he deems to be the award for podcast excellence, the golden mic every episode. And I've received the second place trophy, which is the turdy.

Jake, do you wanna hand those out or should we let the guest do this episode? Yeah, you're gonna get the turdy for kind of throwing this whole thing into chaos at the end, saying that there's, are you handing it out or is Michael handing it out? I'm sorry? Is, where are we letting the guest do it?

No, no, I could. I would never come into someone else's podcast and take their. I mean, I'd be honored if Michael would give you the turdy. That sounds great. Yeah, okay. And the golden. Is it, is it ceremony?

Like, okay. Yeah, no, you just have a mirror, that's a turdy. Yeah, a mirror, so the turdy I'm gonna give to Amir and the golden, the golden mic. Yeah, I'm gonna go with Jake on that one. It's gonna be Jake with the golden mic. Amir, I'm gonna go with the turdy. That's so cool.

The turdy. Really, I'm, I'm honored. In a way, the streak is alive. I'm honored. I'm hon, I am honored. Honored, I'm honored. I'm honored, guys. Honored and humbled.

By the way, Jake, you've given golden mics to, like, does Mike at least get one? Do you want to get one? Yeah, totally, totally. And did you, sorry, did you just call me Mike? I thought that was. Edit it out! Michael gets one.

Take it out! Everyone gets, everyone has their own thing? That's huge. That's a golden mic word. Yes, sweet. Golden mic for the golden mic. Oh, okay, yes, thank you. I'm just kidding, by the way, fans,

you can call me, you know, Michael, Mike, MCK, any of, any of them. It's all good. It's all great. Okay, the podcast, once again, A Good Cry on the Hegum Network. Every Thursday. Episode one, yeah, episode one,

I think every episode will sort of be co-hosted by Stephen Colbert. Yeah, I'm not even on it anymore. I think Stephen did such a good job on the first episode. We've asked him to stay on as the host. Who's Colbert having? Yeah, first episode two.

That was actually an idea for a podcast I had, somebody interview someone, and then the next episode, they're the host, and they interview someone else. Yeah, a chain interview, we called it. Yeah, a chain interview of sorts. It's not too different from the improv concept of La Ronde. La Ronde?

Interesting. La Ronde? What is that? It's where you do a scene with one person, and then one person leaves, and the person remains as a scene with somebody, and then the first person. Is that new character?

A and B do a scene, then B and C do a scene, then C and D do a scene. This is the kind of stuff, by the way. I don't know if you guys can track the numbers intra-episode for how high the interest goes. I think when I start talking about improv forms, you're gonna see a big- French specifically.

A huge pop. French Canadian. Yeah, there was a mime in Quebec that sort of created this in the early 20s. He ended up hanging himself in the town square much to everybody's joy. This is what Angela is sobbing during this. I mean, it's absolutely wrecked by this.

She can't fucking believe that clown, that fictional clown is gone now. Okay, sweet. If you have your own questions or theme song, send them on down to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. That theme song was so good. Let's play it again. Do you remember the name?

Oh yeah, Dustin Clark. Dustin Clark. And we're still making exclusive video content on our Patreon, Michael. I don't know if you know this, but Jake and I have a Patreon called patreon.com slash ja, so check out more stuff there. If necessary.

Ja, oh, Jake and Amir, I gotcha. Yeah, yeah. And if this was enough, then you don't have to check out the Patreon, but just know that you can basically. And I'm getting a cut of the Patreon we said, right? You said 10% continue. Well, thank you so much for coming by.

I look forward to listening to the podcast, and I'm sure all of our fans will too. Appreciate it, and we'll see you all next week. Ciao, everybody. Peace. Ciao. Oh, I guess she already came. Does that say winner, winner, chicken, chunner?

Always wiping right on Tinder. Dank is free for as much for dinner. Oh my God, it's a long time coming. Yeah, it's been a while. And you know I'm doing good because the proof is in the smile. The proof is in the smile. If I were you, here's what I'd do.

Here's what I'd do. It's a long time coming. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If I were you. That was a hit dumb original.