If I Were You - 51: Musical

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

In this episode we discuss a new Jake and Amir episode, a new play, and next week's podcast.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear. Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of choice. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Wow, you doing that holding the Gatorade was very funny. I was, yeah, I was sort of trying to get things done, but I still had to keep my arms raised. Yeah, you needed the Gatorade on your person. I was hands up, but doing chores with my legs, basically.

Right, right, right, right. Welcome back to segments. This is a very, very special episode of our show. I don't even know if you know. How come? I'm not sure yet. I'm just trying to sort of build the hype, as it were. I see.

What episode number do you think it is? Oh, gosh. Uh, 28. That's fun. Yeah. I don't even know if we're numbering them on YouTube. Really? Is there any way to figure that out?

Jake and O'Neil are seconds. Yeah, probably if you went to Headgum. They're numbered, right? They're numbered on, I think on iTunes you're like, have to, don't you? Maybe you don't have to. That used to be a thing. Oh yes, they are numbered.

Do you wanna take a guess? Well, it's not 28, otherwise you would be, you would have been too excited. We started, so I guess I would say it's maybe 31. You're cheating. You're like doing math and shit. I couldn't possibly have done that. I'm asking you to guess.

I couldn't do math. We started and then one of we and then. What happened in my brain was like, we started and then I tried to think of when we started and I was like, even if I know exactly when we started, I don't know how the math would work. But actually, I guess it has been a year. We're probably at episode like 49.

This is episode 51. It's almost exactly a year. Wow, so it is kind of almost a special episode. Almost. It could have been. Wait, but will this be episode 52? Will this be one year? I believe last week's will be 50,

which has yet to be released yet. And then this one will be 51. Okay, okay. Did we ever talk about your original idea for the show and what this episode would have been? Oh, I don't know if we did talk about it, but now that would have been awesome. Yeah.

Awesome or impossible? I don't know. Impossible. I like the original idea because it was kind of bizarre. This one. Well, we could almost do it next week. Do you want it? For the one year because this is what you want and have the year to end. We wouldn't have all of the segments. Well, we would do it next week for the one year because this is what you wanted had the year to end.

We wouldn't have all of the segments. Well we would do it next week. We would figure out what all the segments is. Well say what your idea is. Okay well let's say I'll say the idea and then we can give it a shot next week maybe. Okay. So my original idea for the show was called, it was called segments and each week we were going to add a new segment. So episode one was going to be the New York Yankees. So the segment is we're going to talk about the Yankees. We'll talk about the Yankees for 45 minutes and then the following week, episode two, we have two segments. We would talk about the New York Yankees and the weather or something. Or, oh, world news.

We talk about the Yankees and world news. And then the following week, episode three, we talk about Yankees, world news, and a brand new game or something. Yeah, brand new game. Maybe it's celebrity guessing game, age guessing. So then by the time that you know we're in episode 10 we've got 10 segments, episode 25 there's 25 and then a year comes up we will be running speed running through

52 segments. It would basically each one less than a minute. Yeah because we're just trying to get through every single. All right okay we're talking about the Yankees for one minute they're in the World Series this week whatever whatever next. Yeah world news all right. Okay, we're talking about the Yankees for one minute. They're in the World Series this week. Whatever, whatever, next. Yeah, world news. All right, let's play the guessing game. All right, let's do this. All right, let's play this drawing game.

All right, let's play Virtle. All right. I think there's a world where it would have been fun because we would have, the energy just gets so high. It's very frenetic by, you know, episode 25. You've got 25 things to cover. You spend like two minutes on each thing. You're flying through it.

Yeah, yeah. And I was afraid that like episode 48, it will be unintelligible. 49 even worse, 50 even crazier. Like it would get unwieldy. But you know, it's kind of like, I listen to a lot of AM radio and it's sort of how they do it on AM radio, like 880 RIP, my favorite radio station.

They just did traffic and weather together on the eights. So you don't need a ton of time. We'll just talk about traffic and weather together. And then on the eights. But then it would be that energy for 46 minutes in a row. And that's what I listen to all the time. Yeah, it's world news. It's weather, it's sports, it's commercials.

We would toss in a commercial and you're just flying through it week to week. It would be insane. And I would like to at least try it. Maybe next week we could see exactly how crazy it would have been. Right, well, it's kind of tough because we would have recurring themes and thoughts,

you know, for all these things. So we're going to go in 52 segments, totally cold, but I don't hate it. I'll still give it a shot. Yeah. We owe it to, at the very least, the you of history to try it once, to show you what could or couldn't have been. Yeah. Maybe I'll have been right this whole time. We also did a sample episode. Oh yeah, we did. That's gotta be lost in time, right?

We don't know where that is now. I was like, yeah, I don't know where that is. It was like a 30 segment sample. Yeah, because you were- That felt really, really rushed. And I'm like, and would you be able to do twice as many every single week? Yeah, and I was adamant the entire time

that I still liked it and I had a good time recording the sample episode, but I couldn't convince you and I wasn't gonna drag you into this, into that idea. So I acquiesced. All right, new idea. But I still think it's fun.

The first year is two to four segments every week and then the second year will be the 52 all the way back down to one, if the 52 goes well. No, that's kind of interesting, but I still want to do it my original way, which was just one episode. Episode one is world news. Episode one could be world news.

Yeah. And I did like the idea, not of doing the Yankees, but just like picking a random team. Like Ipswich town. Yeah, just tell you know, there's a Utah hockey team now. Great. That would that would be perfect. We just every single week talk about this Utah hockey team, and we would have to get into it. And, and the nation would have to follow us. You know what they're called?

The Red Rockets. Close, the Utah hockey team. Oh, that's solid. That's really solid. No mascot, no fuss, no muss. I like that. We're going to watch the hockey team tonight. They're playing the Kraken. Are they good?

I don't know, they only started yesterday in a pre-season game. Okay, so yeah, we don't know yet. This would be perfect to cover week to week for the next year. Exactly. Uh, okay. As for this episode, we're going to do three segments, um, in the natural fashion. Yeah. First one, I started writing a Jake and Amir episode.

I didn't really know where it was going to go. So I thought I can show you what I have so far, much like when we write it, I would write like a page, then you would revise that page and add a page. So this one's called outsourced. Jake and Amir sit across from each other. Classic. Classic. Amir gets a call and puts on a Bluetooth.

I go, oh, excuse me. You say, what the? And I go, hello, I'm Arthur. Can I get your bank account information to ensure your identity? Then you say, hang up and you throw a ball at my Bluetooth and it knocks it off. Wow. I go, one second.

Dude, I don't come into your work and bother you while you're trying to do your job. You say, are you joking? That's your main characteristic. Meaning bothering me at work. That's the log line of your autobiography. And I say, you're costing me cash right now. And you say, I doubt it. And I say, I'm doing tech support for Oracle and Vanguard.

And you say, how? And I said, well, you know, companies outsource their calling stations to India in order to pay pennies on the dollar? Yeah. Well, sometimes they re-outsource it back to me for dollars on the penny. So how much are you getting paid? Nothing for now. It's an externship, but I'm getting practical real life experience that I can add to a CV or as your America's referred to it as a resume. Sorry. Putting on another Bluetooth. Hello, Arthur. Can I have your bank account information?

That's all I have so far. That's really great. Okay. First note is every single time you say me, it should actually be Arthur. You're costing Arthur cash right now. Arthur leads a borderline Gangnam style life and you're trying to suppress it in some weird way. It's this weird reverse racism or something.

It would also be funny if you answer, you're like Arthur, can I get your bank account for more information? Oh, yes, certainly. You can have my bank account information as well. It's under Amir Blumenfeld. That's what Arthur goes by. What are you my bank account information as well. It's under Amir Blumenfeld. That's what Arthur goes by.

What are you doing? It's only fair. You're getting reverse scammed. Reverse scam. That's when I call somebody and they take advantage of me. Bad news, I got reverse scammed again. I tried to rob someone and they took me for all I was worth. Womp, bad news. I got reverse scammed again. Yeah. I tried to rob someone and they took me for all I was worth.

Womp womp. Looks like Arthur's moving in this weekend. With who? Are you really not gonna let Arthur crash? I wanted to give Arthur an accent, but I don't know if that was gonna be offensive or something. Right, yeah, I could see that being offensive for sure. I could definitely see that being offensive.

Maybe just a different voice. Right. Arthur, hello, this is Arthur. May I have your bank account information to verify your identity? They never ask for your bank account information too. Instantly. Can I have your entire bank account information

in your PIN just to verify your identity? You should have that. Well, you don't wanna get your identity stolen. Arthur, you're supposed to be able to see it. I'm just calling to verify. I just wanna make sure that you know what it is. Yeah, where does it logically go from there? We feel like an old grandma would knock on the door

and kick the shit out of you. Oh my God, I needed your fucking bank account information and you're mad at me. How did you even find him? He gave me his full address. He said Arthur goes by Amir Blumenfeld in the wild. And he gave me the address of this office. How many people have you communicated with

and we just see a bunch of hands and doors on the door? It's a zombie movie. Oh no, now Arthur is in trouble. We can't actually hire that many extras, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah, so we're gonna have to, we can't even hire one extra, honestly. I kind of like the idea of you constantly hitting my Bluetooth off and me putting on a new Bluetooth every time. Yeah, maybe, so it's like a tennis ball once and then like-

An orange. Yeah, then I can poke it with like a long pole, like a fishing rod. Don't I have a Bluetooth in one of these episodes? Like, hello? Yeah. Like constantly tapping it. You have them in a couple.

Oh yeah, that's the, I have a weird ear. So that's gotta come back to you. Yeah, yeah. You should get, then you should get a second call from your boss who's having you scam people. Hello, this is Arthur. It's my boss. Hey, what's going on, Jared?

Yeah. He heard about you knocking the fucking Bluetooth off, you asshole. How did he hear? He fucking monitors the call. He put a camera over there and a camera over there in our office. Yeah, I let him do it.

I'm trying to be efficient so I can get college credit. I told you this is an externship. Yes, no, my bank account information, totally. It is 2119-753-7578, Bank of America. What is this experience for? What is this externship experience good for? I'm trying to get a foot in the door. You know I am.

Where? Anywhere. Anywhere but fucking here. You have a job at Headgum. Do we have, do we say Headgum in the new Jake and Amir's? I think we're coming up with podcast ideas, but I don't think we say headgum specifically. Nice.

Cause we never really said college humor. What if you realize that I'm trying to get a job somewhere else and you're like, oh, um, okay, I'll help you. Then you start taking calls for me in order to get me elevated, promoted at this work so I can leave you alone. Hello, this is Jamus assistant to Arthur. Um, may I have, may we have your bank account information and routing number? so I can leave you alone. Hello, this is Jamus, assistant to Arthur. May we have your bank account information and routing number?

Your boss calls me. You get the promotion. I loved Jamus. Whatever he has was it. Thank you, sir. You throw a ball at my ear. Just breaks your nose. It'd be really funny if like the entire time we're just throwing little like marbles at each other,

like knocking each other's Bluetooth off. And then I finally get it at the end, you take a marble, you chuck it and just chips my tooth. Oh, I can't feel my thumb anymore. James doesn't have dental. James doesn't have dental at all. The whistle. The hum is back.

Yeah. All right, it's there in pieces. Something, yeah, we can get there for sure. We'll improvise it on the day. We'll hire a 12 year old extra to play my boss. It's perfect. It all comes out on the wash at the end. It's a fucking, it's a hit app.

Mm-hmm, done. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. Hell yeah, love you Squarespace. One of our day ones, Jake, you've built websites using Squarespace. Many a website actually. So you get how easy it is.

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What does that do? Like how can I find my phone? Does it beep or something? How does it, how can you possibly have a GPS? Well, it's phone spelled wrong. So it's kind of anybody who's looking for their phone might actually stumble upon your website. Interesting.

And all of a sudden it's kind of viral. Really? Yeah. Mine's actually pretty similar. Oh yeah? It's like, it helps you find your little horse, your like younger young horse. Yeah, so it's findmylittlehorse.com?

No, it's called findmyful.com. F-O-A-L. Find my full. Yeah, find my full, yeah. Yeah, that's good. So if you're looking for a full or a foam or maybe your name.com. Also an option.

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your first purchase of a website or domain using code segments. Segments. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Boom, baby. Jake, don't you sleep on a Helix? I sure do, motherfucker.

So you know how big of an upgrade it was over your last mattress. Yeah, well actually my last mattress was also a Helix. And the one before that. I think it might've straight up been a Helix. I had a Helix, then I got the Queen Lux Helix, and then I went up to the King Helix, because I had a helix, then I got the the Queen Lux helix, and then I went up to the King helix, because I am a king, and I deserve to sleep like a

king. And you are a peon, you're a plebeian, and you deserve to sleep on a fucking sleeping bag, on my couch, on my futon, on a love seat. Okay? Let's move on. We've all established that helix is great, and that you are not worth the ouch, my futon on a love seat, okay? Let's move on. We've all established that Helix is great and that you're not worth the shit. What else? Yeah, I was gonna say the prices are really, really good, really affordable for an insanely good mattress.

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Thank you, Helix. Thanks. Okay, we're back. We're doing these a little different right now. This is the celebrity age game. I'm gonna roll. Classic. I'm gonna roll a D100.

This might be our most recurring segment. Yeah, it's fun. It's a good game to play and celebrities are always turning new ages. We played it live. Remember we played it in Philadelphia? Yes, oh my God. And it was actually really nerve wracking

to come up with different people. I think the age was, what was the age? 53 or 54 or something. I thought it was like six, oh, maybe it was like 59, 58. I don't know, something like that. No, it was young, whatever Elon Musk was. Oh, and Don Draper, 53.

Yeah, and I guess like Dean Norris. We got some people who were like 38 and 65. Yeah, we're so, so far off. And then we finally, the crowd helped us and we are not a hundred percent sure if they looked it up and you sang, I have the tiger because it was in Philadelphia. Yeah, in front of Philadelphia. I actually have a video of it.

Wait, what? Yeah, I took a video of it. And I also took a video of you. Oh, I should say we're going to Chicago. Oh, yes. Yeah. November 14th. November to Chicago. Oh, yes. Yeah. November 14th. November 14th. That's right.

See me potentially sing a song again. Haven't decided what the segments will be, but it's in play. Yeah. And we're learning a lot with every show. Now we've done two. So Chicago should be our best segments show yet. We have played poetry and poetry twice. Yeah, both lost.

Both lost each time. So there's a chance, maybe we should both write poems for Chicago. That's nice, turning into just a poetry reading really. Yeah, really. Okay, so I'm gonna roll this D10. Sorry, D100. That's basically two 10-sided dies

to get the celebrity edge. Okay. Okay, that's definitely gonna be a tough one. Tell me if you want me to reroll, it's 17. I'm supposed to come up with a 17 year old celebrity? Yeah, like I'm just thinking of the- And are we changing the age every guess? Like I'll get 17, then you'll roll

and you'll try to get us a different one? No, no, we're gonna do the game until one of us nails that 17. Yeah, I don't know if we know any 17 year old celebrities. I feel like Finn Wolfhard might be 17. I think he's older than that at this point. Okay, I think one of the other Stranger Things kids could easily be 17.

Yeah, maybe. Or young Sheldon has big 17 energy. Let's come up with a non-minor age. Okay, fine. I'll reroll the 100. Yeah, reroll the 100. There we go, 57. That's perfect.

Now we're talking. This is a classic age. We're in that zone. Are we doing the song thing again? Oh yeah, so loser has to sing a song, a Disney song of the winner's choosing. Okay. I wonder if the singing is enjoyable to listen to

or also embarrassing to listen to. It's embarrassing for everybody. Nobody wants to hear it. We don't want to sing it, but it helps give the game some oomph. Some stakes. Right. Otherwise we're just paying each other

then who cares about that? If anybody has ideas for better stakes, let us know. But I'm tired of paying cash. I feel like I've lost every single cash based game and I've won every single song based one, which is kind of sad. That sounds right. Okay, so I'm just rich

and I have singing lessons lined up now. 57, I feel like it's pretty nice to always start with a friend. And I do feel like David Schwimmer is 57. I feel like it's pretty nice to always start with a friend. Um, and I do feel like David Schwimmer is 57. Wow. You got a friend in me. Should I look it up? Yeah, you should. David Schwimmer age. Yeah. He's 57. You nailed it. Okay. Unbelievable. That is awesome. Okay. So what? So the Disney song that I was thinking of, if you seen... Well, I haven't really guessed yet. I mean, what are you gonna do? You already lost, right? I guess I got one.

I get one guess. Yeah, fine, you can try to match. Roll it again, because now I see like Matt LeBlanc is 57. When I search it like this. Well, no, you can't. Give me another roll. I'll fucking hit a moving target. What, you want me to roll again

because you're accidentally cheating? No, you don't guess Matt LeBlanc. Well, you want me to look it up. I say 57. What, you want me to roll again because you're accidentally cheating? No, you don't guess Matt LeBlanc. Well, you want me to look it up. I say 57. What? Fine. 14. My niece.

All right, there's gonna, this is great. I'm either rolling 10 or 50, so 54. 54? Yeah, you're doing 55 and a 50 foe. Yeah, you want me to tell you who's 54? Yeah. Easy. And I'll look it up.

I really think we did Elon Musk is 54, but now I'm thinking about it. Maybe it was 53. But I don't have a better guess. I mean, hoping to God we did this in Philadelphia as 54, I'll say Elon Musk. Elon Musk is 54 in June. Right now he's 53. So you lost.

And I was kind of imagining you singing Hakuna Matata. Poor Unfortunate Souls by Ursula. I don't know that song. Well, you've seen the movie. I don't know that song. You can't make me sing it. I don't know it.

It's, you know, let's see. Oh, yeah. I'm a poor unfortunate soul. I admit that in the past I've been a nasty. They want to get it when they call me Bella Witch. You know the song. I don't. I'm honestly getting really annoyed.

You know that I don't know. Why do you keep bringing it up? Fine, fine. You'll sing another song from Little Mermaid. Oh, okay. Let's see. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Let's do Part of your world.

So the same part of your world. That is sort of where my voice range is. By Ariel. Yeah. Well, it starts with talking. So I'll, I assume I have to do that part too. Yeah. Or am I only doing the singing part?

Cause like what, I'm not like acting out a full movie for you. Well, let's just lead us into the scene. It's three fucking lines. You can talk like Ariel. Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something to matter with me. I just, I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things can be bad.

Look at this stuff. Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? I need you to try really hard. Wouldn't you think I'm a girl? I need you to try really hard. Wouldn't you think I'm a girl? A girl who has everything. Take this seriously.

Like, don't just think it's a silly game. Look at this trove, treasures untold. How many wonders can one cavern hold? Looking around here, you'd think, sure. She's got everything there it is I've got gadgets and gizmos a plenty I've got who's its and what's its glory don't overdo it you want taking back 5% there you go you're overselling it but who cares there it is no big. I want more. Bring it.

I want to be where the people are. I want to see, want to see them dancing, walking around on those. What do you call them? Nice. Oh, feet. Flipping your fins, you don't get too far. Legs are required or jumping dancing

Strolling along down a What's that word again? Street Up where they walk Up where they run Up where they stay all day In the sun Wander in free

Yeah dude Wish I could be Part of that world and the sun wandering free. Yeah, dude. Wish I could be part of that world. Here's the bridge. What would I give if I could live out of these waters? What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand? Bet you on land they'd understand, but they don't reprimand their daughters. Very nice.

Bright young women, sick of swimming, ready to stand and ready to know what the people know. Asking my questions and get some answers what is a fire and why does it what's the word burn when's it my turn wouldn't i love just to explore that shore up above out of the sea wish I could be part of that world all right I'm gonna do do you under the sea now I'm in the fucking mode you know like would you say poor unfortunate, yeah, go for it. Poor Unfortunate Souls! The goal is to one day lose enough bets to have an entire Disney musical,

a production to be cut and pasted together out of some sort of shame slash joyous bet result. That's the dream. You got into that song and I really appreciated that. Yeah, take us up the Gatorade song. You deserve it. This is Seawater. Ariel style.

I knew that song really well. I thought I'd have to read it, but I feel like I knew all the words anyway. I mean, what a great song. They don't make them like that anymore. I guess I haven't seen one of these musicals in a while, but that's just, that's an all-timer. I hear good things about Coco.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think I saw Coco. Yeah. I guess you have to be young to see it. Moana is really good. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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to better help.com slash segments. Segments. Thanks better help. Thank you. All right, we're back. Now we're playing celebrity height guessing game. Amir, give me a number, five or six. Uh-huh.

Go ahead. I just, I'm afraid I'll have to- Sing again. Sing again, and that was sort of the most I had. It's the biggest that I could have done. Five or six. Yeah, I guess five. Five, 10.

Name a celebrity who's five, 10. David Schwimmer. I wonder if he is. He's gotta be five, 10, right? Yeah, I feel like most- There's no way. Whoa, no, he's pretty beefy, man. 6'1". Oh, good on Schwimmer.

Yeah, let's see Matt LeBlanc because he's a bit shorter than Schwim. 5'10", there we go. Let's hear you sing. Matt LeBlanc is 5'10"? Yeah, he is 5'10". He is 5'10". He's definitely shorter than that. No, he's not. He has to be. Not according to Google and that's all you can actually go by. On Reddit it says

Matt LeBlanc is 5'8", widely considered the hot guy and friends despite his six-foot male co-stars. Yeah, well that's Reddit. Just type it into Google and you'll see. Gemini believes he's 5'10 and so do I. This is completely, it's subjective. It's absolutely subjective. CelebHeights has him at 5'9. IMDbS has him at 5'9 and a half. This is ridiculous. I'd like you to sing out there

from the hunchback of Notre Dame. Already sang. Celebheights.com, 176.5 centimeters. That's under 5'10". Well, you're using different sources. You don't go to celebrityage.com when we play the age game. I don't even know where they're grabbing 5'10 from. Maybe it's from LeBlanc himself. Okay, let's 510. They're all three

inches shorter than they're saying. They're wearing lifts. Okay, so we we also talked about when we were touring our our next project and oh and it came up last week too when we were when we did the lightning round for each other. We're talking about the play that we were going to write. The play's the thing, the musical, since we have musical abilities, as you guys can tell. Right. Since we're clearly obsessed with music, we have the pipes. And we talked about how, I think we talked about it on stage, but you kind of broke the opening of it,

that you and I are actually gonna play our old selves in this play. Yes, yes, exactly. So it starts with us maybe at desks slash a bar, and we're reminiscing because this is our 25 year high school reunion or something. Right, oh I guess the reunions could be pretty good. Yeah, reunion could work.

I was, so I was thinking about it today when I was on a bike ride and I was just laughing at the idea, like first of all I think we have, should not have seen each other for 25 years. We should have been absolute best friends. Like it should almost be a little sad. We should have been best friends inseparable. And this is picking up after we have had a falling out falling out. Yeah, for I guess it would be our 25 year anniversary. So in my head,

I we were meeting at a coffee shop and I was like, we should just be talking, we should be catching up in like the saddest, most boring, mundane way. Like I wanted the dialogue to be, how was your COVID? I feel like time was so different. How was your pandemic? Yeah, it was so different.

Like the last four years felt like two and we just have- Yeah, really was so different. Like the last four years felt like two. And we just have- Yeah, really banal conversations. And then we ask each other what our jobs are and they should both be really kind of hard to explain. Oh, I do digital software sales for a B2B company. I help onboard clients. Yeah, sort of a blue label software for

trucking companies. Yeah. They need to like when they're selling or talking to one another it like helps them manage their inventory and I do tech support. What about you? What about you man? Did you ever make that album that you talked about? No. I lost my voice. And I manage a small team of data engineers. Yeah, you ultimately choose a job that you think you can have to put food on the table

and spend your free time writing the album, but that never happened. Yeah, so then it kind of that shades the opening song, which is how much we hated our town. Yeah, how much we got along. Right, and how bad we think we had it 25 years ago. And then the whole entire play is showing us how good and carefree life was.

Right, what did you think of the title Connecticut 1999 or Connecticut 99? I like Connecticut 99. Connecticut 99 is pretty great. That is 25 years ago, but we have to make this play in the next three months. Otherwise it'll have to be Connecticut 2000. Right, which could still work,

but Connecticut 99 is really good. It's such a time. Y2 Connecticut. Y2 Connecticut's pretty solid too. You already wrote that opening song of like how much Connecticut sucks or how much you hate your town even though it's not that bad, right? Yeah, so my vision is that how much Connecticut sucks or how much you hate your town even though it's not that bad, right?

Yeah, so my vision for, I think like this, we like, we meet up either at a coffee shop or at this reunion and then we're like, yeah, remember how much we used to hate this town? And then it goes from there into the opening song, which is titled, Is There Any Place Worse Than Connecticut? I'll share the first four lines.

Okay, just to get people excited. This is cool, like when we win a Tony, that like, we'll have this as like the first leak. Exactly, or when we never write it, it'll exist here and only here. Is there any place worse to wake up than Connecticut? I could use a shakeup somewhere better than this shit. And then at some point I say,

I'd rather be in fucking Baghdad than living with my mom, with my brother, brother sister mom and dad Why can't I live in Yemen or Grozny? I'm convinced. God doesn't love me Why can't I live in Yemen? I was I remember it cuz like I know where all of like the war-torn places are now, but I was like Where is that? What's the worst place to live in in? 1999 what was happening in in 1999? What was happening in the world?

Probably Bosnia. Yeah, yeah, that comes up later actually. Really? I think so. Oh wait, no it doesn't. Even Bosnia would be radder. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Oh, I think, oh, wish I lived in the fucking Congo is one of the lines. Yeah. So not only do you hate Connecticut, you really, really want to live in others. Obviously more war torn place. Yeah, I know that's bad, but it's not as bad as going to school. Okay, because I actually hate school.

It happens early and I'm really tired. Yeah, the under arching theme there is just the lack of perspective and how at age 16 everything is the most important or the worst thing in the world to you then. Oh, this verse is about you. And I think you actually help with this one. My best friend is a moron. Maybe that's why we get along. I'd rather be walking through Chernobyl than browsing in this Barnes and Noble.

Yeah, that does sound like me. Cause that's what I used to do in high school is go to bookstores and read like mad magazines from the magazines. That's exactly what we used to do too. We would get dropped off at the movies and then not go to the movies. And then we would walk around through the parking lot

and you'd go to Barnes and Noble cause it was the only place that was open and it wouldn't really kick you out. Those, our parents are such suckers. They think we're at the movie, but we're actually at a bookstore. Joke's on them. And then, so yeah, then I think the play itself,

it has to be about this, whatever it was that was our falling out. Yeah, maybe some sort of love triangle. It's gotta be a love triangle. I love your girlfriend, she ends up marrying me or vice versa or something like that. Right, which would be funny and also it would be funny if you were in love with my girlfriend,

she breaks up with me or we like, I'm in love with somebody, she doesn't love me back, she gets together with you, I hate you and it turns out you guys date for three weeks before college and then never talk to each other again. But we threw out 18 years of friendship for you getting to third base before freshman year.

Let me guess, you ended up marrying her? Oh no, I haven't seen her in 25 years. I married somebody else. You sort of meet different people when you're an adult. You married? Domestic partnership. Any kids? No, but I have a niece.

Our lives are just so normal. We should have kept in touch. There's no reason we weren't on Facebook at the very least. I feel like I should have met your niece. No, I only see her like twice a year. It's fine that you don't know her. It's awesome. So all of the songs take place in the 1999 universe, right?

Yes. Yeah. This whole thing is, it's all a time capsule. So that's why I kind of want it to be not like problematic, but just like, you know, we're just, we're purely living in a pre-9-11 world. Yeah, and then maybe all the songs that we see, we see like how it manifested, the butterfly effect that got from the song to where we are IRL.

Right, so three other songs that we have, these are just titles, but I really liked the title, Happily Ever After Prom. Cause you know, after prom. I think that's kind of like where maybe you steal my girlfriend. Another song, How Come Pre-Come. What do you think about that?

That's really interesting. So you're sort of bemoaning the fact that you sometimes prematurely ejaculate when you're making out with your girlfriend or something. Right, right. It's kind of like a sad ballad about premature ejaculation. And then I think this was your idea. Some of the songs that you've made with Gareth

would work in here, right? So in theory, some of them are already written. Yeah, yeah. One True Stunner totally works. What was that one about? It's kind of about how, I guess it's just a guy that likes a girl whose boyfriend just graduated.

Like they're becoming seniors, so he's like, this is our year. There's a lyric that says, now that your boyfriend graduated, I guess he's a freshman all over again. So trying to diminish him and her eyes. And then I think this last song is the vibe of a can't hardly wait style movie. Yes, which I actually watched to get in the mood.

And it's that can hardly wait is very problematic. That's it's kind of insane. It's like imagine can hardly wait, but not problematic or something. Yeah, or lightly problematic. Basically, can hardly wait is problematic because they had no idea. We are like we can toe the line of being like, can you believe this is the stuff we said in 1999? You know, they said they said really fucked up things kind of earnestly.

Okay, the last song that I think was your idea is an AOL chat with two people iming. So it's like, it's a song, but it's taking place in a chat room. That's good. So it's like, we hear the AIM sound effects. The boodadoot. Yeah, the doodoodoo.

The people, the doors opening and slamming and shut. The doors opening and shutting would be really, really good. And then you can kind of see that playing out on stage too. It's like a light turns on in somebody's bedroom. They're typing, but they're singing. Light turns off, the door slams, the light turns on, you hear the door open, and the AIM. I think I've spoken about this before,

but to get a song that captures the feeling turns on, you hear the door open, and the I am. I think I've spoken about this before, but to get a song that captures the feeling about how sometimes you'd have these really intense late night AIM conversations. And in the AIM world, you're like Fabio and like the ladies, like, you know, like a damsel in distress. Then like you smash cut and it's just like 8.30 AM the next morning, you guys are learning algebra. Did I confess my love to you last night?

I think we said we had crushes on each other, but I can't look at you. Was somebody else on your screen name last night? Yeah, like in the world of the AIM box, you're a fucking romantic hero. As you smash gut to the next morning, you're just this pipsqueak 14 year old boy. Yeah.

You could, I also remember like setting up an alert for the girl I had a crush on. She had like a special noise when she came online. That's pretty good too. You hear the noise throughout the musical. It means something's real, really hot about to happen. Oh, that's a really, yeah. That recurring thing. Yeah. This is why we get, that's a really, yeah, that recurring thing. Yeah, this is why we've got to just sit down and write it.

And it would take what, 20 minutes, 40 minutes, maybe two and a half years, something like that? Yeah, well, we clearly can't do it week to week on the podcast, that's tough. But this does keep us accountable because, you know, we're talking about it now, then people ask us about it, then they want to know more. Right.

So like we can assign each other homework or something. I think that's what we have to do. We've gotta, we've gotta just like, we've gotta assign each other something to do every single week. If you work on something and then pass it to me, I have one week and then I have to pass it to you. And maybe we have a standing.

Right now we have like islands that constitute a story. Oh, we wanna touch on this. Oh, this could be cool. Oh yeah stand-in. Right now we have like islands that constitute a story. Oh, we want to touch on this. So this could be cool. Oh yeah, maybe this. Right. The idea is to come up with a third, like a through line that makes sense, a cohesive story,

at least a start or an ending that we want to get to. Right. And we have to say something a little bit more than just how awesome was 1999. Cause that's true. 1999 was awesome. But what are we trying? Well it is kind of like, you don't realize

how good it was back then. It's like the idea of like, in the moment you always think it's terrible. Right. With the hindsight you realize it wasn't that bad. Right, so maybe that's the lesson that we learn at the end where like, you know, if we meet up in 25 years, aren't we gonna be like,

damn, remember when we were 40 and we had so much time in front of us, we should have connected then. So let's connect now. And then it's about us getting our groove back. As 41 year olds. We join a singles crew. Then it's smash guts to us at the 50 year end of a reunion.

Hey, what have you been up to? I haven't seen you since that bar. Oh, Jake's dead. You said we were going to hang out. Really? Shit. I hate to hear that. Like I see moments in my head, but I don't know how to get there.

Like something happening in the song, illuminating something that happens at the reunion. Like the crowd going, that's what happened. That's why this thing that they talked about happened that way. Like, right. Like the bouncing back and forth between the two timelines. Yeah, that's that is really good. There's got so there has to be like some kind of event that involves the whole school, like a senior prank gone wrong.

Yeah, or maybe you're a school shooter or something. Okay, okay buddy, come on. I haven't seen you since you were arrested. Man, you're fucked up. What do you do now? It's not gonna be that problematic. What was problematic about Can't Hardly Wait? There are a lot of homophobic stuff,

some, I don't know, some kind of sexual assaulty stuff maybe. Like getting wasted and hooking up with high school girls. Yeah, stuff like that. I think the main character's like, his low moment, somebody calls him the F word at a party and everybody dies laughing. You're talking about Ethan Embry? No, it's like the jock character, the guy's girlfriend.

Oh, I see. The Jennifer Lepue, it's like boyfriend at the beginning of the movie. Yeah, that's not Jerry O'Connell, is it? No, it's... I don't know. Peter Facinelli? Yeah, yeah, I think that's it. Yeah, that'd be great if we could get Peter Facinelli to play, I don't know. Right. I mean, the pretty lady's dad. We have to get, we have to find some, uh, young people that know how to sing. Yeah. I'll tell you, Peter Faccinelli still looks like a very handsome guy. That's good.

I hope he wasn't really a bully. Yeah. Who knows? He's he seemed like a sweetie. Uh, just also for the future, uh, the game we play who's 50, Peter Faccinelli is 50 exactly and how old is Ethan Embry? Great question. 48.

Ethan. 46. Oh, all right. Still a young gun. Much, much older than us. He could play something. All right. That's it.

That's our time. That's our segments. Thank you for listening slash playing along. Yeah. Uh, tickets available to our live show in Chicago, headgum.com slash live. Yes, yes, yes. Also on Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. And if you've got any ideas for our play,

actually not ideas, I guess, feel free to tell us if you're interested in us writing more. That's what I would like to know. Yeah, even if it requires us taking four years off from the podcast, if we reemerge from the abyss with a musical or even a Seussical. Yeah. Would you be happy to not hear from us for four years and then

we write a pretty mid musical? I can't stress out decently fine. It'll be, it'll be a B plus at best. Let us know. Yeah. Uh, and, uh, we will be back here on this podcast. You think we'll remember to do the 52 segment spectacular?

Yes. Yes. That's awesome. Yeah. See you guys then. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original. Hey, hey, I'm Lamorne Morris.

And I'm Kyle Shevrin. And we're here interrupting your workout to tell you about the La Morning After podcast, now on HeadGum. That's right. Every Wednesday a new episode drops and we... Wait, Lamorne, what are you doing over there? It's nothing. Just polishing my Emmy.

Why? Because we're now the only official HeadGum podcast hosted by an Emmy winner. Is that true? Probably not. But Jake Johnson's on HeadGum. Does he have an Emmy? No. But he has been a guest on The La Morning After.

Which might be an even bigger honor. I mean, and we have other amazing guests like Glenn Powell, Raven Simone, the cast of New Girl, and many, many more. Plus we play games, we tell stories, we poll the fans. For questions. We poll them for questions, nasty. Polling them constantly. All right, up and down, sideways, backwards.

It's a lot less weird than it sounds. You'll see. Subscribe to The Morning After on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday.