If I Were You - 51: Stay Friends

Episode Date: January 9, 2014

In this episode we discuss religion, chivalry, and the Oedipal Complex.This BONUS Thursday episode is made possible thanks to LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to a brand new If I were you right now That was soothing So why are you mad? I'm not mad, I'm soothed You don't know what soothed means I feel very soothed right now No you don't

I've never been soothed before It shows Now I'm soothed She kinda kept on going That was short but soothing At least blink man You're grabbing my ankle I'm soothed

I just killed a person Say I'm soothed I'm a soothed seyer That was Audrey Scott From the band Sixie I believe this is our first repeat Sixie? Yeah, Sick and then C

S-I-C-K-S-E-A Like C-Sick But the other way around I think she did a previous intro So this is our first I think repeat How did the other one go? I have no idea But I remember it was good

It was one of the ones that people recommended That I used for the best of Oh, very nice So thanks again Audrey for that Thank you And this is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us

I'm Amir And I'm Jake And I'm soothed And I'm soothed I'm incredibly soothed I really am soothed Yeah It's cause we're in your room

Yeah, we're in my bedroom here Yeah, by your room I mean the downstairs room In my parents' house By my room You mean your years old room Yeah, my older brother's old room Surrounded by photos of

I guess paintings of my brothers Childhood photos of you guys I'm in this room though Your mom framed this The plaque of us The plaque that we're on So that's sort of like my room here Also all those scarves on the door

Are mine No, those are my mom's I've been parading around the room At night in them Everyone's hoping that we just stay In my parents' house forever Cause it's very funny to them Like when you tell people where you're staying

What do you say? Like people are like Oh, you moved out to LA Where are you living? I'm like, oh, I live in Amir's mom's house Not my dad Really? Yeah, I always call it

Your dad lives here It sounds like your mom is an old mate Everybody loves it They get a real kick out of it Yeah I told your dad that I was gonna Have to start bringing people I was gonna have to start bringing girls back here

Right Cause it's getting like It's almost day three at this point Yeah There's a fucking dry spell And I am horny That's what you don't like, dad I think I said to your dad over dinner

That I was horny He said Can you pass the hummus? Furthermore, I'm I'm growing soothed And afraid that I'm horny Mr. Blumentfeld I am sad to say

That I'm both soothed and horny At this point in time I find myself horny, soothed, scared and alone At this juncture I am in your eldest son's room And I am becoming a cuckold Of myself Sir, help

But then he's like You can just bring ladies in through the side door, right? Yeah, that's what he said So, I don't know Helping you out So, ta-da Now all I need to do is find a girl Who's willing to drive back to the valley with me

Hey, come on Don't you dare put my parents on a Thursday Blast Not after all they've done My parents never deserve to be on Blast Let alone on a Thursday Um, alright How does this show work? What is this show?

Do you want to try explaining it this time? Sure, yeah, we um We... Okay, I just... You threw me a... You threw me a curveball I just took a second I watched one pitch go by

And it was called Strike Looking Okay, well, it's one strike And here's what it is We find people who are in... We find people who... We find people who are who are Two strikes Here we go

Alright, okay Here's the time inside We find people who are looking for advice They are in sticky situations Terrible conundrums and awful life dilemmas They come to us looking for advice And we do our best to give it to them And how do people email us?

They email us by emailing us in If I were you show at gmail.com And I actually don't appreciate this This quiz that I walked into You're some sort of proud teacher You think you taught me a lesson But the only thing I learned is that I don't like you as much anymore

Because I went into this podcast Thinking we were fucking equals And you... You condescending school master You Mr. Feeny without the accent Or the life lessons The worst time of Feeny imaginable Uh, yeah, that's it, you're right

Thank you And actually, fuck, now I feel good Because I got the answer And shit, I want to learn more Give it to me again, sir No, I believe in myself So, uh, we're going to give these real questions today Fake names to preserve their anonymity

Anonymity So, uh, you got a first name for this guy? Um, yeah Pikachu Pikachu I choose your email Very nice Pikachu writes

Get out of yet yours room You don't deserve to be in his room On my pullout couch Absolutely not With my flower duvet Alright, here we go, ready? Pikachu writes I got dumped by a chick

Because she lost feelings for me Heh Heh He wrote, heh, not me I got dumped by a chick Because she lost feelings for me Heh She said she just wanted to be friends

But now she says she's still trying to get over me And so she keeps asking to hang out as friends But bails on me and ignores my texts Every time we're supposed to hang out Then she texts me back days later Completely disregarding the fact that she flaked on me I asked her why she was ignoring me And she said she was making me mad on purpose

Because it was her defense mechanism For, for not feeling sad WTF is going on, I don't know I want to keep just being friends with her But her actions lead me to think She doesn't want to kick it with me What do I do guys? Thanks, Pikachu

What a confusing woman Yeah She really lets you in on the process though I guess it's my defense mechanism Since I don't give a shit about you anymore What a mean thing to do But it is very honest at the very least Well, she sounds like a little jerk

It made me mad Break up with someone because you don't have feelings for them Heh Heh And then that's it You don't, if you break up with someone You can't be like, let's hang out And then cancel on them

And then hit them up later And be like, let's, let's hang out And then say, I'm sorry I ignored you That's a defense mechanism Because I'm not sad It does sound like she doesn't want to kick it with you But I don't even understand why you're wasting Like your energy trying to figure this out

Because he wants to get back together with her On some level What you need to figure out is that she sucks And that you don't want to kick it with her She doesn't make the decision She doesn't get to be like, I don't know If I want to kick it with you Like, no

You decided when you broke up with me That we don't kick it Yeah And now I kick you to the curb Heh I kick you in the face Oh, no, no, no, no Oh, okay

Kick you to the curb, not physically Not actually Metaphorically Metaphorically But isn't this how it happens so often Is just like We're gonna break up But don't worry

I still want to be friends Okay, so then you realize Oh, maybe it's not best to be friends right away Right Well, I don't think it's ever good to Why do you break up with someone Because you're not friends with them Well, you could be friends

No, you can't Not necessarily lovers When you are lovers with someone If you're in a relationship with someone That is your best friend You spend all your time with them You open up to them You learn about their life

You tell them about your life You guys have a connection A sexual connection But also a mental connection An emotional connection An emotional connection You guys are best friends And you don't get along

You break up That means that's not your friend You can't just be friends You're not friends We aren't friends anymore That's what breaking up is It's cutting off the friendship I decided two things

One, I don't like fucking you And two, we're not friends And usually the breakup happens after the I don't like fucking you anymore And now it's just No, you always like fucking That's the main problem So you still like fucking

But you don't want to be friends with them I think what people... I think what it really is Is I don't want to fuck you I don't want to be your friend And then you are broken up And then you're like Well, shit, I don't want anyone else to fuck you

I don't want anyone else to be your friend Hey, let's meet and you stay in touch So I can keep tabs on you And just make sure you're not moving on too fast That's the general thing Or the general feeling Is the same with me But the reasoning is different

So I also go through the phase Of, hey, we should be friends But then it doesn't really work out But I don't want to keep tabs To make sure nobody's boning The ex-girlfriend As soon as you wake up You don't care if anyone's boning anyone

I guess I don't... I don't not care But I just don't want to know I don't want to keep her from doing it I just don't want to know about it I see But I think people say Oh, let's stay friends

As a way of making the breakup seem easier No, no, we're still going to hang out It's not like I'm just never going to see you anymore Because it's intense to be like Alright, let's break up I'm never going to see you anymore Yeah, it's sort of like when you're leaving You're like leaving home

You hugged your mom and you're like I'll call you This isn't the absolute end I'm going, but we'll call each other And it's going to be fine Like there's going to be... There's still contact here But when you're breaking up with someone

The real truth is that there shouldn't be So you're leaving and you're like Hey, am I just out of your life forever? Oh, no, no, no I mean, I still want to know What's going on with your mom and dad We're still going to be friends Yeah, tell me about what's going on at work and stuff

You know? Alright, so keep in touch, eh? No, not really Nobody's really going to keep in touch But the friendship, I think, if it does happen It happens down the line Down the line, if it does it all Right

Down the line Down the line Down the line Down the line Down the line Down the line So what's this, if I were you If I were you

I want to keep being friends with her But her actions lead me to think She doesn't want to kick it What should I do, guys? Yeah, she's confusing you She sucks You're not with her Don't be her friend

You don't have to be her friend Be friends with other people That's what's going to get you over her Hanging out with your ex Doesn't help you move on past your ex Yeah, people... The majority of people that still want to hang out Is just like, oh, let's stay friends

And then maybe we'll get back into a relationship With each other Yeah Usually the person who gets broken up with I feel like wants to remain friends Alright, well, yeah, let's just stay friends Yeah I'm good

You know, the reason I broke up Is because I wanted to make other friends Other girlfriends Other people that I want to sleep with That don't make me feel sad and mad Do you still want to be my friend now? Now that I'm telling you that I don't like you Alright, there it is

There's the harsh truth Todah, tough love, baby Sorry Then you can say have for real And not, my girlfriend broke up with me Because she doesn't like me anymore Yeah, now you can be like I don't give a fuck about my girlfriend

I don't return her text Well, ex-girlfriend Sorry, ex-girlfriend The hand stands The hand stands The most turned down podcast of the year Alright, ready? Yeah

Question number two I already said Which one did I just say? Pikachu? Yeah Bulbasaur Alright, Bulbasaur writes Before you ask

These things would sort of be allowed If you were engaged or planning on a marriage I kept all of these rules Because I love my family, mom and dad They're kind, caring and loving Which only makes the idea of disappointing them Heartbreaking On the other hand

If I were to break any of these rules I don't know if I would be on speaking terms With my family anymore What would you do if you were me? Thanks for the advice Bulbasaur Well, Bulbasaur First of all, what religion is like

No, no anything She can't have She can't She can't hold anyone's hand Unless they're engaged Your parents don't understand How courting works Even if they want you to

No sex before marriage Fine, I understand I mean, I don't That's dumb as fuck But But you've heard it before I've heard it before But you

I'm not allowed to touch a boy's hand Or no boyfriend activities Unless he's my husband Yeah, it sounds like some sort of arrangement deal Yeah, but it's so backwards You don't get engaged Without touching someone's hand Unless it's an arranged marriage

Oh, oh boy Oh, no Oh, no Oh, honey Oh, honey But even then, don't you touch the guy's hand You do have to take his hand in marriage There's no courtship at all

I don't know I guess in arranged marriages They're not either way What would you do if you were her? Oh, alright So yeah, sorry Aside from picking apart your parents' religion I think

You just do what anybody does You just You lie to your parents This girl's never heard of lying Okay, wait, what do you mean lying? So I I disagree with my parents' beliefs on this But I love them so much

Right, you know, my parents didn't want me to do anything Either they were They were kind, loving, nice people Who didn't want me to skip school They didn't want me to go out and drink They didn't want me to smoke weed They didn't want me to have sex I just did it all

And I didn't tell them There's a crazy loophole here Because your parents would be really upset if they found out you were having sex But Uh-huh So tell me more about Tell me more about this lying thing What does that entail?

So you're, alright, pretend you're You're my mom And you don't want me to have sex Yeah, yeah Did you have sex? No Oh Okay

I'm proud of you now So that way you don't tell her the truth And she's not mad at you Normal people lie to their parents I realized how irresponsible this advice is How old are you? You shouldn't be having sex He says I'm a girl who's turning 18 soon

Oh I mean, I guess I lost my virginity before then Let's not act and advocate sex Let's just advocate lying to your parents Right, shit, I don't even know what to do But I think you have to understand that at a certain point You have responsibility for your own life And if you have different religious views

You don't necessarily just subscribe to theirs You don't have to live your life by their standards Yeah Lying is good because it allows you to do what you want And then you don't have to tell your parents about it Right, if you're very scared of the reaction Right, that way when you lie, they don't know about it They hear what they think is the truth

But it's actually not the truth I'd like to hear what you do in the situation, actually I would probably be so frightened That I wouldn't tell my parents anything But would you be touching a girl's hand? I don't know I mean, it's hard for me to put myself in this situation Where I'm like, I was raised in such a strict household

I don't know how... I mean, my parents are much more conservative than I am So in that way, I've sort... I mean, I've done stuff that my parents don't like me to do Alright I still think you're dodging the question a little bit I'll say that The podcast is called If I Were You

And your exact words were It's hard for me to put myself in your shoes So, yeah, I don't know My life was like this, you do this And meanwhile, I told a 17-year-old to fuck around And tell her parents she's not The podcast is called If I Were You And you just answered

I don't know, it's hard for me to put yourself in your shoes In fact, I give up I think I might put you on blast for that Because the whole point of the show Is that you do put yourself in other people's shoes I actually, yeah We're recording this podcast for Thursday It's Wednesday evening

This is officially And it's a Wednesday evening blast A late, late, late Wednesday night blast-a-thon You're just sneaking in right before The early, early Thursday blast I'm a fan of selective truth-telling Alright I don't know about outright lying

But definitely, you don't have to disclose everything Very well And then also, you might want to consider On a larger level Leaving this religion Seems like a not-good one In the grand scheme of religions There's ones that are deice

Ones that are less so And the rule of No relationships before sex No kissing, no hugging, no holding hands No boyfriends or boyfriend activities It's a little egregious thing It sounds a little restrictive I don't know

It's the guiding principle That we should always be looking at That God is not real There is no such thing as the afterlife And, you know Might as well maximize happiness While you're here on Earth Rather than restricting yourself

To get into a heaven that may or may not exist Very well So the religions that are, you know Very, very strict The ones that are like Don't touch a boy until you use your husband That has been The ones that seem to go against

The evolutionary purpose of reproduction Cast those aside There's other religions that are just like Let's put this religion in the maybe pile I'll put this religion on blast I really will Put the maybe pile The hell no pile

Pun not intended Because I am going to hell According to this person's religion If there is one which there's not Oh, hell Hell, heaven Whatever This is all there is man

Just me and you right now Just, can't we just enjoy this We at least think this is real Shit Um, alright That's all we gotta do We would do, if we were you We would lie to your parents

Also, consider leaving your parents for good There it is Do you think your parents could be loving and caring And have all these strict rules? Yeah, of course I mean they love their daughter And they think their religion is the right religion And they want her to go to heaven and

All that jazz Yeah, it makes sense I appreciate that they're loving parents Devoted parents to their religion And their children I think their beliefs are Silly and childish But I think that they come from a good place

I wonder why some people are raised in a strict household And they grow up to be strict people And some people are like, wait a minute This is crazy I feel like the more Recent generations are like Now that they have the internet They realize that like

The world is bigger than like Yeah I often felt like that when I was growing up Like, do you know anybody who's more conservative Than their parents? No But I think what happens is A lot of the kids who came from

Strict households when I was growing up Became, like, they were the wildest ones Right And then, but now they're like Settling down and becoming strict themselves Cause they got themselves into so much trouble Cause they were rebelling so hard So the strict parents cause crazy kids

Which then in turns causes strict parents again Right Cause I think if you do go crazy And you go too hard Then you're like, oh my god I don't want anybody I love to do that You learn it the hard way Right

I don't know I think being too strict is a problem But I mean also, what do I know? I'll never be in love or have children So take everything with a That's not fair, man I'm gonna have children The size of a frickin' boulder, actually

I'm gonna have children, man What's that? I'm gonna have children Alright Jesus You said I wasn't gonna be in love or have children And? And it felt like a blast

Yeah, it definitely was a blast It should have felt like a blast Alright It should have felt like a huge explosion Your eyebrows should be off right now It was that big of a blast It was a blast It was a goddamn backdrop

It wasn't about, well, it wasn't appreciated And in fact I'm gonna introduce something right now But I'd like to run your neck What? Yep You're gonna squeeze You're gonna choke me

No, no, no, it's not that It's, you know I don't know if it's a thing that Anyone aside from me and kids from Hamden know Oh, when you like squeeze my neck from behind Or like push your fingers against it It's like running your neck Like I put my palm down on the nape of your neck

And then I swipe fast like a credit card Like listen to this Yeah, you hear that? People at home did not hear it Didn't they hear that? Let's hope they did So you just, you pull your hand really fast Towards you like you sandpaper it almost

Yeah It's, so what it is Is when somebody's been Been a nerd or a loser for example Found something wrong And it's Actually, I'm not sure I wouldn't really run your neck In that situation

Sort of like you have to be proven wrong It's such like a distinct pain Like just a quick little burning bruise I remember too like if you did something wrong Like oh shit it's like I don't even know Like there's a code of ethics to this running Yeah Well because yeah if you've done something like stupidly wrong

You This whole thing Sounds stupidly wrong to me Right like I mean now I'm trying to explain Run your neck and I can't So for this you could run my neck That's the beauty You just wasted everybody's time

You were stupid I'm gonna run it My neck deserves to be run right now It ran Well you'd have to You keep doing it But I don't think people can understand what it is We'll have to make a video

Of a neck run This is Dave Rosenberg's special Another Dave Rosenberg's special Another reason we should have him on the show Can't wait This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult

Anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area But BetterHelp makes that all easy Because it's online therapy designed to be

Convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire And get matched with a licensed therapist And you can switch therapists at any time For no additional charge It's incredibly helpful Therapy has helped millions of people Over thousands of years

So give therapy a try It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life I've tried therapy It's been very helpful So you can find that balance better With BetterHelp All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com Slash if I were you

You do that today You can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable Because you're not paying rent For a building somewhere That you have to drive to And wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online

But you're still getting professional Licensed help And it's extra affordable That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com Slash if I were you Check them out Thanks, BetterHelp

Alright, question number three Yeah I think this one's from another lady Do you have a female Pokemon name? I don't think they have any sex They're androgynous Charmander Alright, Charmander's

Right I think... Yeah, sure So I've been seeing this guy For about two months It was Ab's casual at first And then when things started To heat up a little

I kinda started the So what are we conversation? And he labeled us as exclusive And just a few days ago He finally asked me to be his girlfriend At a party Here's my conundrum though He never pays for me when we go out

He always asks for a separate bill I feel like a guy should pay For a girl's dinner every now and then And that's also why I was confused About whether maybe he just saw me As a friend with benefits I'm only 21 But am I being old fashioned?

He's great We both get along great And definitely have feelings for each other I really like everything else about him But I can't help but thinking that Maybe he's cheap I don't want to seem like a gold digger I get that we're both students

And have our own bills to pay But he never even offers And it's making me question If I'm not worth it to him Here's where I need advice How and when should I bring up This paying situation without being awkward Or him feeling humiliated

Or is this something just worth breaking up over? Love the show And the making fun part But please don't forget To give the actual advice after Wow This is great Because it's a prime example

Of somebody needing to have their neck run You think so? I think I should run her neck Really? Yeah Really? Run her neck I for real do

I love her Her options are like When should I bring this up Or should I break up with him? Yeah, those are the only two options Or is there a chance you don't bring it up And it's fine You don't conform to these

Awful societal norms That we've put down from generations ago Huh? Huh? I thought you were a feminist Equal opportunity in all that jazz Here's what I'll say Actually you go first

I'm sorry You always read the questions And I just talk And I feel like it's unfair Because you don't get to give advice first Well, here's the sticky situation Alright, here's what I'm gonna say In a perfectly egalitarian society

Every bill is split But at the same time There is this understood thing That a guy should offer to pay And this guy does not offer to pay And it is a little bit bothersome And so I sort of side with the girl at this point Interesting

Yeah Wow I think he should at least offer I didn't see this coming I agree I mean, here's the thing If it's me, if I'm the guy in this relationship I do offer to pay

When I'm in a relationship I pay, I would say 80 to 90% of the time And every once in a while When I've been paying for so long And the girl's insisting Right Absolutely insisting that she pay You still don't let it

Because you know what? You have rules And you have rights And you have polite manners There is something Being a gentleman is It's actually not gentlemanly If a girl's, if someone is like

Please let me pay And you say No, no, no, I insist And they say, no, really I really want to pay And then you say Absolutely not I'll pay

She says, I'll pay You say, that's enough I'm gonna pay And that's not a nice gesture You took, that wasn't gentlemanly Because you took that away from her You can be so nice That it becomes rude

It's like a circle I think the correct thing to do is Offer, is to, is try to You know, what is, you know Run her neck Deflect the offer once She said, let me pay Say, no, no, no, please

I'll pay She said, I would really like to pay I really appreciate that then Thank you very much So they really like to pay That's when you go for it The second attempt The second attempt

You graciously accept However, this is I mean, I'm going on This is a tangent My neck should be run I should actually be run for this You can run my neck If you want to after the show

I think it's too weird though So, alright So here's what I'm saying One, I agree with you This guy should be At least offering to pay But two, you can't bring it up You can't bring it up

I think that makes you too small, petty And like, and even especially If you're saying you're not A gold digger It does make you seem like You're sort of a prissy bitch What? I'm not even going to say for lack

Of a better word Because that's the exact word That I wanted to use It makes you seem like a prissy bitch Meaning? That you're just like I expect to be paid for I expect to be wind and dined

I don't think anyone should expect it I think that that's like You know, that is the way of society And it's okay to like that But I think it's not okay to expect it Right So you think it's okay to think it But not necessarily to verbalize it?

Yeah, I think that it's like It's on him, not on her To tell him Because she can't do it Because then if he does it Because of her, then it's even worse Then not doing it at all And it's not a nice situation to be in

Right, because you're forcing it Because you're forcing it You don't want him to scowl Throw his car down And be like, yeah, fine, I'll pay And then it's like a sore subject And then every time he pays From then on

Even if it seems like he wants to It's also kind of Because you told him that one time Maybe wait it out And then the one time he does do it It's going to seem like a much bigger deal If he ever does do it You get so appreciative

You say this is so nice And hopefully that makes him be like Oh, I like to make her feel like this I'm going to do it Here's another thing you could do She could offer first To pay for something I want to pay for you

I wanted to take you out to dinner Like if something gets Anything exciting in his life happens You say, I'd like to take you out for this And then you pay And then he's also in his mind He's like, I should take her out someday too Yeah, I'd plant the seed of chivalry

In his mind Returning the favor And then when he does That's great You'd be excited You'd be thankful, appreciative And then you guys just go back and forth Taking care of each other's bills

Every once in a while And then someday you'll forget Who did it first And you'll say, oh my goodness He was always chivalrous I don't even remember the time I wrote into a podcast And called him a cheapskate

And I don't even remember the time I called you a prissy bitch So it never happened So you might as well not even get Angry at me for it Yay It all worked out Yeah, you can't bring it up

Without it being awkward Or him feeling humiliated That's the answer Is it something worth just breaking up over? No Wow, which is rare Our default is always to say Break up with a prissy

Yeah, I mean if you're 21 You'll break up with him now Yeah But not over this Wait until he really fucks up It is a weird gray area Of like, you want to be Equal opportunity

Guys and girls are equal But at the same time It's also polite to pay If you're a guy But it's like Right It's like reverse sexism in a way I think there's like a new age chivalry

Where it's like It's not like the olden days When it was like the guy pays It's like Oh, this is kind of a nice throwback The guy pays Yeah It's like

That's cool This is nice And the girl can get something later You know You know what else is a good system Like the guy pays for like the meal And then like the girl pays for like dessert Right

That way you're both getting something free But you're also paying more Guy pays for the meal Girl pays for the movie Yeah Or girl gives for the valet parking If there was that at your rest I live in Los Angeles now

So you guys understand I'm always thinking about valet In LA it's all valet Valet in the valet Or like Valet in the valet If a guy pays for a meal Then he should get sex in return or something

That's what I'm talking about Yeah Or even like if we just go straight to prostitution The guy can just pay for sex Yeah Then you don't even need fucking food You just give money for a blow jay That's the future

And then you're saving You're saving calories too So you're starting to look cut Take that Bulbasaur's parents We're all getting blown for money now We're all going to hell now This is your Jack Nicholson now that you live in LA

Oh yeah Here's Johnny I guess that's pretty good Oh my What is this Give me the bat Wendy Yeah Give me the bat

Light of my life Wendy Let's take that break Break Break You said you were gonna tell my mom off For serving the same food Yeah

I've been feeding you dinner I was super appreciative of what's I mean when did I get here on Saturday, Sunday Saturday, yeah Saturday And since then they've been feeding me Yeah

It's been really Doing your laundry and setting up your bed Yeah And I appreciate that And I will just say that for the past three dinners Yeah There was You've kept your mouth shut

Now I haven't kept it shut It's just it's been you know There was couscous On Would you say there was couscous On the evening It was really couscous Yeah

And then Monday evening What did we have Yeah there was still some couscous leftovers Yeah couscous My mom made chicken And then tonight Yeah okay There was chicken

There was yeah of course And then tonight there was There was pasta There was fish Yeah And there was Carrots, cauliflower Yeah

What was that The last thing I guess there was still A little bit of couscous left There was yeah So I was gonna say I was just gonna say There was couscous tomorrow

I was gonna stand up And I was gonna say Rifka I see what you're doing here You're making it look like You prepared this big spread But it's clear to me That you made the couscous on Sunday And you keep on serving it

As if it's a brand new fucking dish Yeah And I don't understand Why you're trying to keep up this rouge Rouge Rouge This rouge rouge Cause the couscous is red

But But I don't appreciate it Nor do I respect it Yeah And I was trying to tell you That maybe during dinner Or ever Is not the best time to do it

Just because It's such a It's not even a thing that she Like you're putting this narrative on it That she's trying to pass it off As food But it's not necessarily the case Like we have leftovers all the time

My mom makes food And like It lasts for a couple days And then she introduces a new dish And we'll have that It's like the main course And then like Feast off the leftovers' sides

Yeah Yeah Do you get that Because My eyes are glazed over I actually I started imagining The couscous tomorrow

And I slipped into a A white rage I will not sit at that dinner table I think I'll make a stink Can we edit out the part Where I said rouge rouge Everything else can stay I just want

I don't want anyone to think That I said a rouge rouge The no god part That's chill Yeah With the prissy bitch part That can stay The calling your mom

Unappreciated Or not a good chef Yeah Yeah, that's fine But I said rouge rouge That's a little too Shameful to stay Yeah

I'd also like to tighten up The part where we were talking About run your neck To make it sound like I explained it well Yeah Just like a super quick A vision explanation

We should talk about Our live shows Oh yeah First of all We have one live podcast Coming up on Thursday January 30th And as we said

In the last episode The theater's not very big We actually already sold out Of the pre-sale tickets The tickets that you can Actually buy online Boom toadah Thank you guys who bought tickets

Yeah, over 100 105 have already gone So hopefully those people All show up But there's room in the theater For a standby line So people can come by Even without tickets

Waiting the standby line And if you get there Pretty much like an hour Beforehand Odds are You'll have enough room To at least be shuffled in And enjoy the show as well

Very very true We also have two shows Coming up with Streeter One in Three shows Oh yeah One in Nashville On Monday, February 17th

Yup In Nashville At like Zany's Comedy Club So you can go there And check that out And then on Tuesday The next day We're gonna be in Charlotte

At the Charlotte Comedy Zone I believe it's called Go to their website for tickets And then the day after that On a Wednesday We're gonna be in Syracuse At Syracuse University With Dan

The first two shows Are just with Streeter And that last show In Syracuse with Dan The weirdest tour of all The mid-February Nashville Charlotte

Syracuse Back to back to back It's perfect This is the big one It's all I've ever wanted So that'll be exciting We've never performed at Any, no

Have we done Syracuse? No, never Alright, we've never performed At any of those shows So it'll be fun If you guys could Come and check that out Please do

I don't know how many fans We have in Nashville And Charlotte and Syracuse I assume Syracuse Is gonna be really lovely That time It's gonna be February 19th That's great

It's already negative 9 There now So let's see What another month Into winter gets us I wonder how deep down The polar vortex We will go

That in six weeks Of snow And blizzard-like conditions We chose the right month To move to Los Angeles Is what we're trying to say We sure did So, yeah

That's it Should we try to Answer that last, last, last Question? Final one One last one Give me that last name Squirtle

What? Squirtle What is that? I think that's the way The Pokemon said it I think Squirtle Can you explain to me

Pokemon real quick? I don't understand Pokemon It's a guy Who's trying to Capture them Do you think I'm a fucking loser? I knew the name

Before Pokemon Yeah, but you knew First of all You knew how to Say Squirtle In a specific Pokemon I do know

Not much about Pokemon I think it's like A guy trying To make They use these animals To battle And you have to catch them And then they

Do battle against each other You explain it perfectly Yeah And I guess there's Like a Charizard Band Or some shit You knew Charizard

Everybody knows More Pokemon than they think That's the beauty That's the beautiful part About Pokemon Gotta catch them up It does have a great theme song Yeah

Alright, ready? Charizard Oh, no, Squirtle Squirtle I'm so embarrassed Even if that's the right way To do it You're more embarrassed

If it's the right way Oh, yeah Alright, so Squirtle Right I hate myself So for the Christmas break I returned home

For a couple of weeks From university Last week It was time to go back And as I had brought Most of my clothes From my student hall I had to take them back

Again with me My dad's car is pretty small And the suitcase took up The whole trunk As well as The back passenger seats Since both my parents Always insist on coming back

With me Whenever I have to go back To university It meant that My mother had to sit on my lap Now I'm not saying That I have sexual feelings For my mother

That's gross During the ride though I couldn't help but get a boner I blame the bumpy journey The worst part is I think she noticed Because after the ride After the ride

She looked at me Pretty funny It didn't speak much What should I do? Jesus Christ Oedipus Rex This question's complex I have edible sex

An edible hex Jesus Well what did Oedipus do? He blinded himself Oh yeah I think he No he blinded himself He didn't kill himself

He killed his dad And fucked his mom didn't he? Oh yeah I mean that's what Happened to you like In Oedipus He's He's prophesized to That one day he's going to

Kill his father And marry his mother So they sent him far far away To another kingdom But I guess Oh shit You know what you're explaining Pokemon now

So they like send him away Oh fuck I wish I could remember They like send him away And something happens Because they sent him away Is like Their carriage gets captured And he like

Comes back And like some day He has no idea That he's like Orphan that was cast away And he like Wins Like some battle

Kills the king And marries the queen And little does he know That's his mother And he killed his dad Oh I see so he inadvertently did it It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy Yeah yeah exactly

Anyway when he finds out That he did that I think he kills his mom And then blinds himself Or maybe his mom kills herself And then he blinds himself What I'm saying is You need to cut out your eyes

Insummation Slit your eyes out That'll change the situation I don't know what Yeah part of me Is like Well yeah some Like if there's

There's weight On your lap Like squishy fleshy weight Yeah And there's like a bump And there's And things are bumping And things are grinding

Then you will get a boner My problem Lies within That you allowed yourself In this situation Where your mom was sitting On your lap Why not say

Mom sit on dad's lap I'll drive Why not say I won't pack as much shit Why not sit on top of the suit And there's a million things You could have done That you didn't have to be

In this situation It's the weird thing It's not in the email But I infer that this is An 11 hour drive It's clear to me now More than ever That this is an 11 hours

And he nutted I think he let that out That he fucking nutted On his mom's buttocks Oh no mom Turn this off There's no Mom this podcast is over

This is the last question Don't turn it down Turn it off We had a good run I'm gonna talk about Other kids Boning their mothers now This is rated NY

Aka not for you Alright Cheers Cheerio I hope you make it To visit grandpa mama Alright Goodbye

What do I do Well There's nothing to do At this point You got the boner Don't bring it up Hope You know what you have to do

Is just convince yourself That she didn't notice Yeah She probably didn't She just looked at you funny Because she sat on your lap For a car ride That's weird

She didn't feel the boner I think you felt the boner More intensely than anybody Else sitting on top If you felt the boner Now why not the other way Around Shouldn't you sit on your

Mommy's lap That would have been better Because even then If you had the boner You would have just Felt it in yourself And I don't know Yeah

And that way If she got hot Please fucking turn it off Drive off the road at this point Please just swerve off The accident will make it So you don't remember I'm gonna run your neck right now

So now I definitely don't get it Because that I didn't mess up Yes you did That was wrong To tell my mother To swerve off the road Worse

Worse than saying That when you sit on Your mom's lap She gets a slippery V I don't know man A fucking crocodile Mile down there Who'll figure it out

A slip and slide Run your neck You're right Run your eyes I put myself on blast Run your eyes You know what You fucked up

You put yourself in this situation You deserve to Have a real A sit down conversation About the boner And what it meant Oh no There's not much to say

About this one It's just a funny silly question Yeah What an awful situation To be in But you're at school now It's over Your mom didn't notice

Forget it Everyone just don't pack As much shit next time Yeah Don't sit on your mom's lap Don't have her sit on Your lap again That's all we can do

Just don't Moving forward We've learned our lesson Don't do this Everybody has a secret That they wouldn't tell Anyone ever A piece of information

That's in your brain That when you die Will be lost forever You have one of those? I have one of those What is it? Oh my god I want to know

I'm sure you have some too I don't think I do You have a secret That's so bad That only you know I'll search myself I'll find it I'll access this little drawer

I must This little memory box I must have one I must I must I must have a secret So depraved I've done some dark shit

Don't get me wrong The problem is That I'm so open about it That I tell everyone Oops My life is an open book That no one should read That book is smut

I don't deserve to be an author I'm a little dirty ass I'm a dirty ass I'm an unwiped dirty ass Alright You know what? That's quite enough More than enough

More than enough This is more than our time Actually There we go Thank you guys so much It's our first Bonus Thursday episode In a while

We appreciate you Listening to it Our last episode Was actually our most Listened to first day Episode ever So thanks for Continuing to come back

To the word We're still accepting Emails from you guys That's from If I Were You Show At gmail.com And also Custom theme song

Every episode opens And closes With a custom theme song That first one is from Audrey Scott Put that in your iTunes Review and smoke it Actually you don't

Even have to smoke it As long as it's Put that in an iTunes review As long as it's Five stars We try to make iTunes review cool All the cool kids

Are leaving a review Prove us wrong That first one's From Audrey Scott AKA the band 6C This last one Is from a guy Who asked to be

Remain anonymous Wow Yeah because he like Put some He put some radio Personalities on blast And he didn't want Anybody to know

Who it was I can't wait to hear this So yeah That's it Enjoy The outro song And thanks so much For listening

We'll be back on Monday Nope Never again Ass If I were you Show.com All together If I were you

Show.com That's it another Bonus Thursday episode In the books Thanks to LegalZoom.com So visit LegalZoom To save on all your Legal needs

Like wills for $69 LLCs for $99 Plus filing fees And you get access To a network For legal plan Attorneys for guidance Remember

LegalZoom is not a law firm But provides self-help services At your specific direction Just use discount code Jake Or discount code Amir For more savings

Thanks y'all