If I Were You - 510: Jake and Amir Lightning Round

Episode Date: October 18, 2021

We're back and trying to answer as many of your quick questions as humanly possible. Some are about sandwiches, and some are about less important topics.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. Perfect. It was light, it was catchy, it was long, but not too long. It was quick, but not terribly quick. Do you know what I mean? It was a good length of time for a theme song. Thank you. I felt like I was filling the silence because you were staring dead-eyed into the zoom. I felt like I needed to vamp because you hadn't been emotionally showing up. That theme, I was covering your ass. For me to do that on your own show, I won't say who wrote it because now you took that person's time.

That person's time is gone, so I'm sorry to blank. I don't have the mental bandwidth and energy to thank you. You don't have the acuity, that's correct. That's why I was vamping, that is why I was vamping. My name is Michael Cortez, and I met you recently at the Where the Millers Showing. That was not recently. You found this, this is an old email. That's right. As of recently, I've decided to search theme instead of song, and some people wrote us emails saying, here's my submission for a theme. That one was written in 2013.

Yeah, that's when we went on that. Meet the Millers or Where the Millers? What was it? That was Where the Millers. It was a movie that came out eight or nine years ago, and College Humor had an ad campaign wherein me and you would show up to different cities, introduce the movie, and that's it. That was maybe the easiest fucking gig we ever had because it wasn't making a video. We didn't have to actually perform. We had to show up at the movie and just say, here's the movie.

I think a couple of cities were like, hey, we don't really know what we're doing here, and they asked us to do it because there was no oversight. There wasn't anybody from the agency or brand there or anything. It was just me, you, and Marty. Yes, I think Marty sold it as an ad campaign to send us to exciting cities for free, and we would get paid to like party in Seattle and then introduce a movie, then party in Portland and introduce the movie. And then I remember by the time we got to LA, we were so tired and hungover and sad

that it was like a Monday night raining in LA, movie screening of Where the Millers. And then the next day we had to go to San Diego or something. Yeah, we had also, we saw that we ended up seeing the movie like four times because we needed to like, we needed to introduce the movie and then sit through it. And then I think we did like meet and greet after the movie or something. We like took photos with people. Your parents came to the LA one. Yes, they did.

They were very proud of me to introduce the movie. I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, that's really funny. So thanks to Michael. Sorry we didn't get to it until 2021, but hopefully you're still alive. You're still listening and you're still enjoying the film. Where the Millers starring Ted Lasso, right? Yeah, Jason Sudeikis and Jen Aniston.

God, what a film. We, people don't talk about that movie enough anymore. I feel like everyone's like, let's talk about Dune or Succession or some shit. For as many times as I saw that movie, I couldn't tell you what it's about. I have no recollection. I think there's an RV at some point. Yeah, I think I saw it four times. It's a shitty family pretending to be a different family, but it's, oh, they're not a family.

It's like four con artists working together to pretend to be a family for some reason. Oh, that sounds familiar. Let's show up and we'll say we're a real family and then by the end they actually do become the chosen family. A real family. Now I'm getting all fucking choked up about it. You're crying. I don't even know. Special film for that time.

I'm not even 100% sure it's right what you said, but it made you cry. Yeah. Okay. So here we go. This is another classic lightning round edition of If I Were You. The Only Advice Pod on the Wad hosted by Odd. I am God. And I'm God.

No, I'm God. Yeah. We should say that for whatever reason, the venue in New York City, Grammar City Theater, we're doing live shows. This comes out Monday. We're doing live shows on Friday and Saturday. Some of the live shows were sold out and the venue said, you know what, here's 25 more tickets that just became available. Yeah. They just do that to drum up excitement or something.

Yeah. Maybe it's like, oh, it was sold out, but now it's not. So if you're interested in attending, we're doing a Head Gum Live podcast. A Head Gum Podcast Live, I should say. We're doing it. There's a Doe Boys. There's a NAD Pod. There's a High and Mighty Power Hour.

There's probably tickets available for all four, if not at least two of those shows. Yeah. You can go to headgum.com. Check it out. We'll be there hanging out the entire time. So it's not just a show. It'll be a party. I assure you.

It's an event. It's a gathering. Yes. With your chosen family. Miller's style. It's the first gathering since the Plandemic. So it should be fun. Plandemic.

I really hate that you shoved the L in there. Oh, come on. I mean, it just makes sense, doesn't it? Doesn't it actually just make sense if you think about it? Yeah, definitely. Had to have been a plan and it all went off without a hitch. It was perfect. If it was a plan, I feel like the guy or team that executed it must be really pumped about

how it went. That was like, they really altered human history forever with that plan. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely worked. If it was a plan, I feel like the person or team behind it would want to take credit for it. The team.

Yeah. I feel like, yes, I did it. It took eight years to come up with this disease. And I mean, give me my props. Give me daps for that. It's like the guy who killed Osama bin Laden at first. It was a secret. And then after four years, he's like, fuck it.

I want free beers for life. I did it. I shot the fucker and I would go on podcasts and talk about it. Right. That makes sense. That makes sense. It feels like at this point, you know, no matter what, like who was behind it or not, if whatever, where we are now can't have been the intended thing from the plan.

Right. Oh, you think so? Yeah. The plan stopped after like a few weeks and now it's like taken on a life of it. Right. Yeah. It almost feels so even if this was like sort of somebody's decision, it's almost like those like wildfires or something.

It's like caught on a little too much. Yeah. Now I'm starting to feel bad about the plan. Yeah. I wanted it to be like a seasonal flu of sorts. I wanted it to be over. Yeah. They couldn't have planned America's resistance to the vaccine.

They couldn't have planned making, taking a vaccine political, right? Nobody knew. Nobody knew that we would be so under-vaxxed and under-maxxed. That we would fucking band together, get a cure for the disease, and then half the country would be like, nah. The old thanks, but no thanks. Yeah. Right.

That's, there's no way anybody could have planned for that. Although if you were, I guess if you were paying attention the last five years, it does make a whole lot of sense. Maybe. It's, it's, I don't know. Everything's, everything's so good. That's the best part. And that's why we're answering questions today.

So for example, here's one written by Chile, AKA Chilton. Has Jake been growing out his hair in order to be hard-won shirt foot for Halloween? Hmm. Talk about a long plan, a long con, a long course of action. Have you been not cutting your hair since March of 2020 just to pull off a costume? That's not far from the truth. A couple things. One, hard-won shirt foot, my D&D character who is tall, jacked, has a huge beard, incredible

thick hair, uh, that's long that he wears in braids. Uh, I came up with him because that's the kind of, that's like the aesthetic that I idolize. I want that like Thor look, you know, um, so worth of sorts. Yeah. So there's like the desire to grow out my hair came before hard one. Hard one was born of the desire to grow out my hair. The pandemic gave me the excuse to get through that awkward stage. Um, you know, we're the bull cut.

Yeah. The bull cut. And have you seen photos and videos of yourself from like September of 2020? And you're like, Oh wow, I forgot my hair was that for like three to five months. September of 2020. So yeah, just like pretty like seven months into the pandemic. Yeah. And it's funny because I, I remember then thinking my hair was long, but I had no idea

what was to come. Now it's basically, yeah, down to my shoulders. Um, so, and then the other part of the question is that once I got to this length, I started growing my beard again. I usually grow my beard for like three months and then I shave it all off and then I grow it for three or four months and shave it all off. I'm not like a trim it to keep it an even length guy. Yeah.

Um, but as it got longer, I think now it's almost four months. Um, I was like, I could have, I could basically look like doing, I'm doing hard one cosplay for the NAD pod live show, right? That's what I'm doing. Not quite Halloween, but I am trying to channel his vibe for the live show. Although it isn't a hard one gone and now you're a new character. That's correct. But hard one, um, usually when we do a live show, we'll, we'll be like the band of boobs.

I don't know. I don't know what we're doing yet for our live show, but I feel like, you know, no matter what it's going to be good to, to look like hard one for the NAD fans. Interesting. Okay. Um, there's another question. Mr. tie dye one says, do you guys still keep in touch with anyone from the OGCH crew? Pat street or Sarah's, uh, Dan, et cetera.

Oh, you know, I was actually, I was with Sarah this morning. Um, and we ran into someone who was a fan of the college humor videos. Must have freaked that person the fuck out. Yeah. She was like, Oh my God, I didn't know you guys still kept in touch. She didn't even know we still lived in New York. But yeah, it must have been really weird to be like, Oh, look, they're still there. They're hanging out.

Yeah. So yeah, I see, I mean, I see Sarah a decent amount. I keep in touch with everyone. I saw Dan last week. Um, I haven't seen Streeter though. I haven't seen, seen Streeter in a minute. Yeah. I've been texting with him and he was in LA for a little bit, but we couldn't meet up.

But yeah. Um, Streeter's busy at SNL. I, I mean, I still text with, um, some of these folks and hope to see them as soon as travel opens up in the new world. Yeah. Like when I go to New York for the live show, headcom.com slash live. Yeah, maybe they'll be there. I saw Pat last week too.

You know what? I see it. Yeah. I see folks. We could convince people to come to the show. That way we can have a mini reunion of sorts. That'd be tight. Uh, here's another question, uh, by twerk Cobain.

Good name. Did looking at older content in Jake and Amir, watch Jake and Amir on your Patreon impact the writing process for the new videos? And if so, were there any notes or lessons you learned, uh, uh, during that series that you specifically kept in mind when working on new stuff? Hmm. I definitely think it helped. It's, it's certainly helped us like stay sharp.

I think like, yeah, get in the mindset of those characters again. Yeah. Because on the Patreon, we watch and grade. We like pick apart and we look at old scripts and we look at like production notes and stuff. So it does feel like we're, we're taking a class on how to revamp Jake and Amir. And like we, when we wrote the Halloween, I don't know if it's a spoiler or whatever, but we, we shot another Halloween costumes ideas episode that's going to come out and we watched all the old ones.

And I think it was partially watching Halloween costumes. Um, the one with Opa that made us laugh so much that made us want to write another one. Yeah. Like when I'm sad and in a, uh, sad mustache is a very funny character. Yeah. Opa leads a suicidal style life actually. Opa is sad of himself. Uh, yeah, it's definitely helped us kept keeping character, keep sharp and, uh, in the mindset

of, um, the scripts that we're writing. Um, I, there's some of these that have, we've answered. I'm sure what, what is the best sauce and what is the best pasta shape? You've already gone on record for these, right? Yeah. I've, I've waxed on this. I think vodka sauce is the best pasta shape. Um, no, sorry.

Vodka sauce is the best pasta sauce. Actually vodka sauce is the best shape. It's like little jars of vodka sauce as the shape. And then for the best sauce, I'll choose angel hair sauce. That's not bad. And then of course pipe regatta. That's the best shape. I've talked extensively about that.

And you, you like a ruote. You like a wheel style pasta with a thin water sauce. You say, I didn't say that. Yeah. You mix in water, thin water sauce. No. Basically a wash. And I like the oil that comes out of ketchup first as the sauce.

And as for the shape, the box that a spaghetti comes in. So I'll sort of fill it up with the ketchup oil pre-com. Jesus Christ. The oil ketchup oil pre-com is a really good name for your album. Uh, here's an interesting one. No intelligence rights. Dream casting for a Jake and Amir biopic. So we're doing a show about our lives.

Who plays us in that show? I mean, it's pretty obvious to me that I would be played by my doppelganger. Chris Hemsworth. As I've mentioned, we have the. That's what you would look similar like at age 25. I guess he's a little older now. He's like 37 or 30. Yeah.

We're talking about like a show about the, we were both young. You were sort of pale and chubby. You were kind of a flabby little preteen. I think you put, I think you don't say that about me. I think you put like, please don't make fun of me. Please, please, please knock that off. You'd be Paul Dano and I'd be Paul Dano. You know, I think Hemsworth in a fucking yellow belt.

Are you kidding me? The yellow belt era, Jake and Amir Hemsworth in costume looking at like me wearing a red stripe t-shirt and bell bottom jeans boot cut denim. Yeah. I don't know. Who would I be? I had DJ Qualls. He's so. Oh, McLovin.

He's older. All these people are older than me. Jake Qualls is definitely in his mid 40s. I guess Timothy Chalamet could disappear. Thank you. Thank you. I do often consider myself a Chalamet type. Timothy Chalamet and Jake Paul and Marty Michael as Jake.

Wow. You don't hate that. I do actually. Marty as Salvatore as you. Marty is a god. It's so funny that he's in the videos as Salvatore and also in investor meetings. Yeah. We saw your video and we're not going to give you any money.

Okay. Here's a quickie by Justin Becker. Are James Bond movies confusing or am I just a fool? I think so. I saw the new Bond and that's why I asked. I was reading about it and I was reading about Daniel Craig. Craig's bonds and the interesting thing that I found was that he's the only bond to have all of his movies connected.

And I think that's what makes them a little confusing because it was super confusing for me. Like these movies, there've been. What is it like five over the last 15 years or something like that? Unless you watch them, there are plot holes that you wouldn't understand. Yeah. Like I haven't seen a Bond movie in over two years and they're just talking to me about like Specter and Blomfeld I think actually.

Have you seen every Bond? Have you just seen like some picked and choose? I think I've seen all of the Daniel Craig bonds and I think I might have seen all the Pierce Brosnan bonds. Wow. Pierce Bonsnan. Yeah. I don't remember being like, I was like a fan of Bond when I was in seventh or eighth grade

because that's when like the Bond video game was. And then I'm just like an action movie fan. So I saw all of the Daniel Craig ones and I thought he was, I thought he was great. But I think that's why it's confusing because all of the other ones were like standalone films and they've gotten like more and more confusing. It's similar thing to me with Mission Impossible where it's just like these vast conspiracies where everyone is in on it, everyone's double crossing each other. Yeah.

And you really start to lose perspective after a while. I like a nice small self-contained movie. So how did you like Bond, the new one? The first half of it was incredible. The second half of it was pretty fine. I overall liked it, but I didn't understand what the bad guy's purpose was to blow up the world or something, right? Yeah, but it was very bizarre.

I didn't really understand what his motivation was to do that. I see. You just had to sort of go with the flow and assume that Bond was saving the day, but you didn't really understand why. There's also, can I do a Bond spoiler? Can I do a Bond spoiler? I mean, if you don't want it spoiled, then don't listen to this. But I think these movies cannot be spoiled because the story doesn't really matter, right?

It's all just the cool action scenes. Yeah. I mean, I think there's ways to spoil this one, but there is just one part where the bad guy has Bond's, let's just say a child. I hope nobody wanted this. All right. The bad guy has a child and he's like holding the child hostage. He gets Bond to do what he wants.

Then Bond is gone. They're separated and he has this child who has all of the leverage. The kid bites him and he's like, if you don't want my protection, you can leave. Then the kid goes and it's like, that's fucking crazy. The kid calls an Uber back to Bond. He basically, he's on the one yard line of getting away and then he just takes his fucking bargaining chip. He's like, all right, go.

Go then. I don't care. He's watched Bond kill all of his fucking henchmen. He needs that thing. Yeah, but he got bit. He absolutely got bit for that. Yeah. That's a weird movie.

Okay, let's take a break and come back with some more cues today after these ends. Nice. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see

what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't sleep for the better part of the decade. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great.

Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows?

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And if you go to helixsleep.com. That's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. And we're back. Hey. Here's a quick and easy one from the Adam.

Are you more of a messy or a Ronaldo fan? Oh, fucking, you know me. Major Ronaldo. You're a Ronaldo. I like them both. I don't, to me, I don't feel like they are the head to head thing. Goad on goat. You can't hate either goat, but I'm more of a Ronaldo fan.

Like, I love that he's back in the EPL and I am obsessed with watching him. And he's fucking yoked, hot, talented. And I'll say messy because that's who should be playing me in our biopic. Yeah. You absolute, you and messy really do look alike. It's pretty wild. It's kind of cool that I look like a famous awesome athlete. I mean, granted, he's a five foot eight inch soccer stud and not like, you know, a basketball

player or someone tall and shredded, but it's kind of nice to look like the goat in one of the most revered sports on earth. Yeah, totally. Maybe I'll get a fucking sleeve for Halloween and get a messy jersey. Have you ever taken the ball out on the pitch? Have you ever kicked around a soccer ball? I mean, not really. And I'm starting to think if there's some sort of weird cosmic connection between looking

like me and just being able to dribble around the defense like the Maestro does in the Americana. Run it full sprint while controlling the ball like fucking strides, matching the kick. The ball never getting too far in front of you. Like that's really cool that you could probably do that. And I think I could probably hit a strike with either legs sort of off angle off kilter between the goalies legs or maybe off to the right top shell. Do you feel like you have the ice in your veins? It's like required for taking like a peak.

I think so. Because a lot of it has to do with remaining calm in the situation. And I feel like let's play 1-0. Okay. It's you, you're on your national team. Okay. Yeah. Most feelers.

Right. Yeah. Wherever I'm from. Okay. Right. Yeah. You should be. I don't want to let anyone down.

Hypothetical. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. It's all coming down to you. Are you going? Just tell me where in the goal you're going to kick it. Not too high.

Not too high. Over the crossfire. Over the. Oh my God. I'm losing my back. You couldn't even say where you. You felt you fainted. You just fainted for a second.

I'm frowned out at the thought of letting my countrymen down. Another pint of the old tomato oil please. Anything to drown my wounds. The pre-come from the catch up as it were. Yeah. Here's a classic sandy question from Noah Kutu. Grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly? Whoa.

Whoa. I'll go grilled cheese. That's kind of a. That could never disappoint. Grilled cheese is always going to be good. It's always going to feel right. Yeah. And I'm going to go with a PB and J because I like a sweet treat more than a cheese to

meet. That's. That's really good. That was good. And don't forget the sash. And don't forget the sash. See. Are you guys willing to act opposite your coworkers in more Jeffrey the dumb ass sketches

or is that bridge burned and are you and Mr. James no longer on speaking terms? According to I am a crowner. You had a falling out with Jeff, right? But then you patched things up. You had another falling out and now you guys are okay. We're bros again, but ultimately we're not necessarily ever going to be friends. Yeah. If you have to keep him at an arm's length, but keep your enemies close is what they

say. Yes. Enemies close friends even further away. So this is a. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Is Mickey your friend making a return to the J and a series anytime soon? Asking for a friend. I pitched that. ASAP. I pitched it. I said we should do another Mickey episode actually. It's tough because we want to like hit all the classics, but at the same time we don't

want to just re hit the classics. So like, yeah, we want to do like a Mickey episode and a scroll episode and a costume episode, but we also want to do some new shit as well. Yeah. I think that's and hopefully I think we're going to shoot. We're going to shoot when you're in New York, right? Yes. And so that could be a Mickey or it can be a new one or maybe one of each.

Yeah. One of each. Let's go one of each. Actually, why don't you throw out an idea right now? And I can either confirm or reject it. Remember, there's no bad ideas. We just need to hear what's going on. What do you have?

What do you have to pitch? Just it could be anything. Or a Jake and Amir idea. Jake and Amir title, colon, blank. Jake and Amir pie. That's really good. And then is it about the number or is it about the dessert? That's the interesting thing.

It's pie day. Okay. That's really good. Yeah. It ties it to a month. March 14th, but you've made a pie. And it's then it turns you are trying to convince me to eat it for pie day. I finally to appease you, I take a bite, but it's an uncooked chicken pot pie.

And I instantly sort of cold and raw in the middle raw chicken. I get food poisoning. And that's the end of the episode. I love it. No notes. How do we make it more like split piece soup? So I'll walk in with a boiling hot pie instead of a cold one and it spills all over my face. From that point on, it's basically the old script verbatim shot in our new office.

I guess that's the toughest one because like, because now we technically own the lease on the office that we shoot in. We're a lot like, and because we're doing all of the production ourselves, we, we aren't getting insanely ambitious. Like, we would never write one that we were going to set at a restaurant. We would never write one that had you covered in blood because we're not shooting somewhere where we have a shower. We can't just give it to someone who's more organized than us and be like, find us a restaurant. Yeah. So they have to be a little more contained. Not unlike my favorite Bond movies.

Would you ever ask Triforce TK, would you ever have a listener slash viewer on the podcast for an episode? That'd be hard. Yeah. It's a high risk proposition. Yeah. I would be into a version of it where we like, did call ins or fallen pup, follow up pups where we interview someone based on the advice that we gave them. That could be an interesting added segment. Yeah.

Or like a call in, like people call in and ask us questions for a specific segment. But to have somebody that we don't know at all, we've even like had quote unquote celebrities pitched to us. And sometimes we have them on the podcast and it doesn't feel as natural because it's not like three friends hanging out. It's like me, you and a somewhat successful person sort of shooting the shit. But we have to be polite and we don't have a built in chemistry with that person. Right. Which I like that as, I like that every once in a while keeps us sharp, changes things up. That's why I think if there was enough structure, I would interview a fan or if there was enough like a purpose to them being there.

I wonder if we can get Mike Pence on the show because he's sort of the last, he was the VP under Trump. I know that. Of course I know that. Yeah. And we can have him like, I wonder if we could ask him certain things about with regards to the COVID response. Yeah. And we could just be like, not that many people listen to this show, Mr. Vice President. So I would ask him how he like sort of comp, like how he compromises, how he finds this balance between being like a man of faith and principle with regards to his religious background.

And then also like sort of being Trump's toilet at the same time. Right. Like were you like, were you sad the day that you found out that Trump wanted to have you hanged by everyone? Did you feel like, did you think that that was funny in part for the course? Was that just Trump being Trump or was that a bridge too far? Did the Donald ever look at you and say you're fired? That's good. And why won't you have dinner with a woman that's not your wife?

Who you call mother. We would ask, and but we'd also ask silly questions like what's your favorite sauce or fuck Mary killed barbecue ranch ketchup. His favorite sauce is also ketchup pre-cum. That's what he calls it too. Yeah. So look forward to that in the upcoming. If we could get Mike Pence to say, seize the cheese, would you end every episode with it? Not every episode, but it would definitely, I would be able to extend an invitation going forward to Mike Pence if you were able to give us a quick.

Right. Even a Golden Mic or a Turdy reference. A journalist out there that can ask Mike Pence a question. They just say, Mr. Pence, will you say seize the cheese? And he would be like, seize the cheese. And then he'd be like, why would you want me to say that? But like, you know, we have it. It doesn't even matter.

You don't even have to ask a follow up question. You say, thank you, Mr. Vice President. I got it. And that's all you need. Yeah. This guy named Trey Emmanuel Trelter, 12 s. Are you guys planning on having more guests on Jake and Amir Raj? We used to have a lot of guests.

Hmm. That's true. We actually, we should shoot one in person because we are, I've seen you thrice now or no, twice now, no thrice now, thrice now in the last few months. Since July, I've seen you thrice. That's a lot. Yeah. It's not bad.

I'm seeing you again next week. And I'll be in LA actually, I think the week after that. Good to know. See if we can shoot many in person and maybe with a guest. Yeah. That's a good tip. That's a good, not just a good question, but a good suggestion. And we should try to get Ben to be on it, Jake and Amir.

That's my big goal. Ben Schwartz or any Ben will do. That's cool. Yeah. I'm sure my brother would reprise his role in Jake and Amir office interview or whatever, Wow. Do people know that that's your brother? Is that a well known fact?

It's very well known. And everybody does it. I was thinking, cause we were talking about on a Jake and Amir watch, like when we were talking about the first insecure Jake or something. And we're talking about this on Tik Tok too, Christ. But like there, I think we need to break up Jake and Amir's in like, you know, BC, BCE or current era and a CE after current era or maybe just CE current era, whatever. But we, but to me, I think the breakdown is pre HD and post so that they can in cameras

versus the HVX cameras. Yes. Exactly. The self shot verse four by three verse widescreen. Yeah. And then, and when we started having camera ops, I think that was SD versus HD. Yeah. Audio boom mics versus nope.

SD versus HD is pretty good era. Those that, that really breaks it down. Yeah. It makes it look like we shot our first four episodes of 1993 or something. Yeah. Which we did. Proko PO Vera asks, you guys should guest on the Hey Babe podcast. Where?

What's that? I don't know. The Hey Babe podcast. I guess there's a podcast called Hey Babe on Apple podcast. We don't do a lot of guesting. I guess we do. We guest on a head gum shows. Right.

No, we should do more guesting. I would love it. Be a good opportunity for us to shout out Orion, the dating app. Yeah. We should be making a press circuit. Yes, exactly. And expanding our reach beyond head gum podcast. I hope the Hey Babe podcast is a nice funny podcast and not like an alt right QAnon themed.

I mean, we have enough Mike Pence material to go on if we need to. Yeah. We could sort of adapt to any situation, including a Hey Babe podcast. So yeah, I guess we'll do any podcast. All right. Let's take a break. Come back and power through more lightning round questions. So thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post

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Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Okay, Jake, do you got any questions? Yes.

Would you rather take this one's from Nives Keras, Haunted Bellachow actually. Would you rather take a pill once a day that allowed you to only need five minutes of sleep or take a pill that gave you the exact body you wanted, muscles, etc. with only 15 minutes of daily cardio regardless of your eating or exercise? Wow. I would definitely only need five minutes of sleep. I would have an extra third of my life back and I can use one of those extra eight hours to exercise or something like to not need sleep would make me a superhero.

I'd be able to cram in more work, responsibility, relaxation, anything in an extra third of a day between the sleep that I'm getting back. But would you cram in relaxation? I don't think it would be relaxing to not be able to sleep. I like sleeping sometimes. Well, you like sleeping because you need it, but this pill would basically replicate eight hours of sleep and you would only need five minutes. You'd wake up after five minutes fully relaxed and it would be like 1148 p.m.

And would you ever get tired? So you'd get tired at the end of the day. What about a midday nap? Would that be like a 30 second thing? And you're like, wow, that was really restorative. Don't need it. The five minutes right there, five minutes at the bottom. Pop the pill.

I do body. I would do body. I would do body 100% and it's not even fucking close. So you would sacrifice eight hours a day, nearly a third of your life. That's right. Just to have the perfect body, which you can still have, but you don't want to work. I already basically do. There's just a couple little things that I would change, but which is what I mean.

I would like to have the abs, bigger glutes, thicker ankles that are calves. Don't say basically. My forearms are there, but my wrists could be a little wider, stronger hands, lower hairline. Okay. You're not even talking about your muscles anymore. It's whole body. It's body that you want, et cetera. You're changing parts of your face.

Straighter teeth, wider gums. So yeah, but I am basically there. I also only need to sleep for 11 minutes, so I don't need that. You would die. It is kind of weird that we can sleep a thousand nights in a row, then you miss one night and you just feel sick and dead the next day. The human body should not need rest that often. But then even if you do just get, if you pull an all nighter, you're completely thrown off,

but then you get one night of sleep the next night and you're kind of back, right? Yeah, kind of. I don't know. You might need an extra cycle. You might need a 12 spot instead of an eight to fully reset. The Golden Fool asks, I'm about to take a trip to New York over Christmas break. Any must have food recommendations. Wow.

Wow. There's too many options in New York. It's the joy and the sorrow of New York. You'll never like, you ask a thousand people and they'll give you a thousand different great restaurants on the same eight block radius. There's too much. Just walk around and you'll hit a great restaurant. That's true.

I'm a big fan of just using your eyes in New York City. If you pass a restaurant that you think looks cool, it probably is. If it looks like your vibe, check it out and it really can't be that bad. That said, I think Mineta Tavern is the goat burger in New York City and I highly recommend it. It's also got that old school New York vibe. The tin ceilings, the dark floors, the tile. It's all there.

It's really nice. Old bar, worn in. Very good. Grimaldi's Pizza, that's my recommendation. Get Pizza at Grimaldi's 100 or something year old pizzeria, delicious pizza. Oh yeah. That's good too. And actually, can you not forget the sauce?

Actually that. The pizza actually has to have sauce. Trail Packers writes, what's your goat song or top three? So you can choose three songs as the goat songs. As the goat songs. I got one that comes to mind. Okay, I go for it. Always a banger.

Always good. You're going to want to hear it. And it puts you in a light mood. Let's hear it. What do you got? You're a spangled banner. Oh, say can you breathe by the dawn's early steam. There's no way.

This was the song that you have. Oh, sorry, Kodachrome by Paul Simon. That's my number one pick. Kodachrome, give me this night's bright colors, give me the greens of summer, take it out of the sun, the sunny day, oh yeah, I got a Nikon camera, I'd love to take a photograph, so please don't take my Kodachrome away. It's almost a jingle for a specific kind of film or camera. That's great.

I think Paul Simon is a good place to go for that. I mean, April, come she will. That might be one of my goat all time songs. That's a Simon and Garfunkel jam, but kind of a somber tearjerker, really. And then, of course, you've got Oasis, Don't Look Back in Anger. I think that's a good one. That's a good one. Really good.

I talked about Hook by Blues Travelers being my favorite song growing up, so I'll give it the number two slot in terms of nostalgia, and you can hear me sort of defend it ad nauseam on an episode of Punch Up the Jam. Oh, you know what? And here's my other absolute favorite song. I always forget about it, but I'm glad I'm remembering it now. It's Copper Line by James Taylor. Copper Line?

Copper Line. You actually walked down the aisle to it at my wedding. Because in my head, I was thinking about my favorite song at the time. Interesting. Yeah, you were humming the Kodachrome. James Taylor is good. He's got that soothing voice. It's Paul Simon in a way.

Yeah. Same style. And for my third, I'll go for Across the Sea, my favorite Weezer song, so that's my top three. Music is good. Did I mention the Star-Spangled Banner? You did. You shouldn't have.

Yeah. I also like Wop, but I guess that'll barely make my top four. Yeah. It'll go Paul Simon, Weezer. I already forget what I said is number two. Oh, yeah. You said it's Hook. Yeah.

Yeah, and then Wop. But that's number four, so it doesn't crack this top three. Yeah. And mine's Pathetic by Blink-182. Or fuck it, it might be Dick Lips. What? Dick Lips? By Blink-182?

Blink-182? Yeah. Okay, here's another question. What one item would you like to own if you had unlimited cash? What does Nathan Tony 9? I feel like if I had unlimited cash, I would like to get a little like a pita tear in a weird place. Interesting.

I'd like to have like the safe house in Helsinki, or the, oh, actually the James Bond fucking bungalow in Jamaica, that would be, or a chalet in Icelandic lake retreat. I would choose one dumb house and have it somewhere that I could go out to. Yeah, where would it be? I have to choose right now. I had to choose house, and you want me to put it in a place? Yeah. Okay.

Okay, that's fair. That's fair. Let's call it grease. Grease. I'll have the house in grease. No, Mallorca, final answer. Give me a crypto punk, so rare it has to be an ape with a hat and a cigarette. And guess who owns it?

Is that worth? I don't know, $7 million, $8 million. You can't buy these things because they're ultra rare, well, I'll make an offer that somebody can't resist, and that in and of itself will completely flood and create a new demand for these objects of which I have the most rare one. Suddenly I'm a king to these fucking losers on Discord, and they all look up to me, and I'm walking around down the street, I'm living wherever, would you say Mallorca? And people have no idea that I have this shit in my treasure or hard wallet.

In the original Spanish, Mallorca. And I'm also down to fuck with a yacht. And you're kind of down to not. That's actually not true. I don't like being on boats. I get very seasick. But you will have an ape. You will have an ape.

Oh, I'll ape into apes. Yeah, that's for sure. Or maybe I would just go to Vegas and enter some really high stakes poker tournaments. But I guess if you have unlimited money, is gambling then ruined for you forever because there's no risk? I don't know. It feels like there would at least be a honeymoon phase where you were like, I can gamble, and this amount of money used to mean a lot to me.

So you can kind of tap into that reserve. But then as I lose more, it'd be like playing for pennies with my nieces, like it just doesn't mean anything to me. Yeah, yeah. But I think there'd be a little bit of time where you could really enjoy yourself. Oh my God, I have it. It's funny. I've so long been striving for this ultimate goal to have unlimited cash.

Now that it's here, the journey of me getting it is completely destroyed. I no longer value the trips that I used to take to these high risk, low reward casinos because I've already attained my ultimate goal. And everything that I've been enjoying on my way to get there is not anymore. It's kind of like a monkey paw situation. I finally have what I've always wanted and at what cost, I guess. You know what I mean? Without any scarcity of that resource, I find myself in times of sorrow, Mother Mary comes

to me. Sorry, I had you on mute. I accidentally muted you for a minute there. Did you have a breakthrough or anything or a breakdown? I wanted a Ferrari. Final answer? An 88 Testerosa with a babe on the fucking hood. On the hood and that's good.

Here's an interesting question. From your perspective, how are the new Jake and Amir's going? Any specific aspects that ended up being easier or harder than expected to get back into? I think that the writing is it's it's as easy to me to write them as it always was and like as fun. And I still and we laughed through the writing process, laughed through the shooting process. And then I guess the big thing that I don't know that we could like, I don't really know how to address it is that like, I wish I wish we were shooting in a live office, but like

one, we don't like with COVID, we can't really do that. And two, we all we just don't really have that capability. But like, I like just I like hearing a little bit of an office buzz. Maybe we can just add a little bit of something like that in post. But I feel like we're shooting in smaller, we're shooting in smaller spaces. So having people there, it looks weirder. Like IAC was such a big building, it had such a deep background. Like there were cubicles, so you could picture why we were getting ignored.

But also think it was funny that we were being so disruptive. Yeah, it's the production value that's difficult, like trying to stage a place or light a place or make a place sound full. But like, like you said, it's hard to hire 50 extras or find a very busy office building because those don't really exist today. Yeah, but, you know, subscribe to the Patreon. Tell your friends to subscribe to the Patreon. If we get more support, we can get more ambitious.

So that'd be sick. Yeah. And there's still plenty to be done. I think the most difficult part, like you said, is more of the production end of it. And post-production, like editing is more difficult when it's somebody dumping audio and video on our desk and be like, all right, that's all we got. Whereas like before it used to be logged, captured, aligned. Yeah, when you put the audio together.

Yeah, synced up. Yeah, now you have to do that. All ourselves. Yeah. So that's been, I guess, the most challenging part. Fortunately, people are watching them. That's the hard part. And we already have people watching them.

People are enjoying it. That's another hard part. People are enjoying them. So the more difficult things are working out well. And it's correctable fixes down the line that we can get better at, which is the production and post-production aspect. How many have we released? Like four or five?

Yeah, I think five so far with six on the way. The Halloween costume one. That's cool. All right, last question. Soup or fly writes, who gets the golden mic and who gets the turdy for this episode and why? I got the golden mic early in this episode. If you guys remember, I had to vamp while I'm your sort of spaced out.

You like, you left me out to dry. You left me hanging. But I, you just said you muted me. I was able to, I'm talking about the top of the episode. I'm talking about the top of the episode where you kind of like, yeah, it felt like you fumbled the ball and I kept it going. I kept the show, I kept the show rolling. I was the linchpin that kept it all together.

Excuse me. So I think for that, I got the golden mic because it would have gone off the rails early, right after the song. Um, and then you got the turdy when you sang the Star-Spangled Banner. It seems like he don't even know the answer. I do know the answer. I got the turdy when, and like, now you're trying to figure out when I got it. I knew when you sang.

You said, oh, say, can't, can I breathe by the Star-Spangled sleeve? No, you did say that. Oh, say, can you see by the Donzerly Steve? And now that you hear the actual thing I said. By the Donzerly Steve is worse. It's worse, way worse. So the answer is, of course, you get the golden mic again because that's what you always do.

And I get the turdy because I always earn, and that's what you always earn. In the last episode, we asked our guests to assign it. So I felt like I had a better shot at potentially. Yeah, you really did. You had a fucking real chance, but messy style, penalty kick, no. Cruise cane, yeah, he knew where it had to go. And I went top shelf and I guess you air milled it. You hit off the crossbar, you didn't hit off the crossbar.

You didn't touch the crossbar. Hit a concession stand. You are overruled, I think, overruled because you under delivered. All right, thanks for answering or asking those questions. And thanks to Jake for answering them. Yes, thank you. Opening theme song by Michael Cortez, closing one by John Maitland. Another oldie, but hopefully newie to us.

If you have any questions or theme song submissions, whether you write theme or a song in the body, the email I can now find them. The email address for everything is, if I were you, show at gmail.com. We're running low on questions and theme songs. So now is your best opportunity for you to send them in and for us to read them and play them. Oh, yeah, and we're going to be in New York this weekend, Friday, October 22nd at the Gramercy Theater,

Headgun podcast live and NAD pod live. And then Saturday is Doughboys or no, high and mighty power hour into the Doughboys. They're doing a power hour. And then they're doing their podcast. Cannot wait for that show. I'm so excited. I have that night off because I just want to sit there and watch Gabor skit fucking drunk and then all of them do a podcast.

What's the what's the restaurant that they're? Oh, Nathan's. Is that what you're going to review after? God, so funny. They're going to die. So come watch grown men die and come watch grown men cry. I'm going to try to do a nice tear jerker during the Headgun podcast. That'll be fun. And we'll be back, of course, next week.

And for more of us, you can always check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J. A. We're watching all the episodes and a bunch of other stuff on there. So check that out. Hell, yeah. Thanks so much for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye. Peace.

Here we go. One time. If I were you, I would know what to do. If I were you, if I were you. If you were I, I think you know what to try. Cause there's a couple of guys with a show that's fly. Hi, hi. A couple of New York someone with a twinkle in their eye.

Their name's Jay Kendermere and they're your go-to guys. If I was ever troubled, this I'd do. If I were you. I'd write a little letter to Jay Kendermere. I'd hope that they would take some time and lend an ear. An answer to my question I would find. If I were you, if I were you. That was a hit gum original.