If I Were You - 511: Shmuel's Rules

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

In this episode we discuss hangovers, Halloween, and Headgum Live!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Advice that's given, how won't they hold each other's hands properly? There it is again if I were you If I were you There it is again if I were you What would they do? Very, very pretty. That was only half of it.

That's just the half of it. That was Shelby and a friend named Dean Rules. They both do some comedy and music stuff on Instagram. Their Instagrams are Shelby Capone and Dean Rules Insta. Now that I think about it, his name is not Dean Rules, it's just Dean. That makes sense. I read Dean Rules. Dean does rule.

Yeah, that probably, it would be a cool ass name, Rules. Yeah. In fact, that's my last name now. Wow. Amir Schmools Rules. And you'll follow Schmools Rules. That's a funny vlog that I start. All right, Schmools Rules.

Number one, don't lean back in an airplane. Unless you're Schmool. In which case, you rule. That'll be a jake in your video soon. So we're not plagiarizing ourselves. We just came up with it now. We'll write that today. Schmools Rules.

All right, thank you Shelby and Dean for Bo Burnham's that funny feeling. Another that funny feeling parody. Oh, and they were at the Head Gum Live shows this weekend. Wow. Yes. What a time. Good time. Great time.

Yeah, live shows again. We completed a full weekend of shows. Yeah. Talk about that funny feeling doing live shows for the first time in years and years. Yeah, it is crazy. Two years since my, two years, two days actually. Since your last live show. Now between live shows.

And we, you know, right back into the fire. Two shows in a night. Yes. Both of us. We did the Head Gum Podcast first, which was a wild ride. Imagine Jeffrey James, but live. So anything he says sort of has to go. Right.

Yeah. It's even more chaotic. You can see by going to that show what Ferris cuts out. Yeah. I think that's going to end up being a four minute podcast episode. It was an hour long live show. He brought me out first and foremost to you had a bad day. That's one that sort of set the tone for honestly the rest of my life.

You had a bad show. Had a bad life. Then a NAD pod second show. You guys brought me out for that. Yeah. Yeah. Which was an even wilder ride for me. Yes.

It was a wild ride for me too. Yeah. I thought I didn't understand what Jeff was talking about. And then Murph is sitting next to me, like telling me to roll certain dice, telling me my hit protection, crowd going nuts. I don't know. I feel like Chris Farley on a Japanese game show. I'm like, just, I don't know what to do.

Tell me where to roll. You're first roll. You gathered up all of your dice. Yeah. The D6, the four, the 12, the 10 and the 20. You're shaking your arm up like it's Yahtzee. And then I rolled an every, like 400 people laughed at me. Like, what the fuck is this guy doing?

I'm like, yeah. I want to be like, I'm not the weird one. I don't know how to roll dice. We're just, we're in a room of everyone that knows how to play D&D. But yeah, it's a pretty normal thing to not know which dice to roll. No, I didn't for a long time. But you just rolled the D20. Yeah.

Is that going to be an episode that comes out as well? Yeah, I believe it's going to come out by the end of the month. Oh, sweet. Okay, cool. And then the next night, Gabriel's power hour into Doughboy's live, which was a real sloppy festival to witness. I'm glad I didn't have to participate in those shows. Yeah.

I would have died. Jesus Christ. Yeah. They were hung over by their, the Doughboy's podcast. I didn't, I actually didn't see them between the power hour and the Doughboy show, I don't think, because I think it was eating or maybe I wanted to avoid that. Right. Like they were busy trying to sober up.

Yeah. Is that what they were doing? Yeah. Like drinking water, eating food. It's like a boxer in between rounds. At one point I had to cut Gabriel's so that his eyes weren't so swollen. And then Gabriel's flew the next day to Seattle. Yeah.

He did a show last night. That's fucking. I texted him. I was like, you're the only person that could do what you do. Yeah. He's the fucking king, man. I wonder how that show was. Yeah.

I mean, it sold out. But yeah. Thank you to everybody for coming to those shows. And hopefully we get to do a lot more of them soon. We still haven't done, and if I were you, we haven't done a fucking live podcast. Yeah. You and I haven't. It felt like we did because we did two shows, but yeah, neither of which were this podcast.

Yeah. It's, if I were you, we'll hit different. Really? I think so. Okay. I'd like to go, I'd like to go on a little run. You should do an if I were you NAD pod tour. So it sort of alternates.

You're on every night, but then me, Merf, Emily and Caldwell sort of alternate. That's nice. Yeah. It's good for everyone but me. Okay. This is if I were you, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us, both in New York City, recording sort of live to tape. It's Monday, October 25th going to post it as soon as possible.

That is correct. That is correct. Halloween themed questions, perhaps a little spooky. Oh, I definitely didn't find Halloween. Yeah. Neither did I. I actually found one with Halloween in the, in the body of the email though. Oh, that'll work.

Yeah. Not really a spooky email though. Right. Okay. Unsettling neighbors. Ah, it's a little eerie sounding. Yeah. Okay.

We'll call this guy Jack for Jack Skellington. Good. Hello. My situation has a bit of a setup. I almost never pay attention to my neighbors. I think my landlord has a monthly rent thing set up so I don't really pay much attention to anyone next door to me. I did notice the current tenant after he left his bed alarm on for 24 hours.

I planned to give this guy a piece in my mind the next time I saw him, but then I realized that this guy looked so familiar and then it hit me. I met him a long time ago. We met at a Halloween party way back in 2019. Good, good. I saw this guy one other time at a different party. We chatted up a bit on Tinder, I think, and after that he decided to find me and follow me on social media and dating apps.

I got so uncomfortable that I blocked him when he was trying to reach me. Maybe early 2020. Now I'm not sure what to do. I'm 98% certain it's this guy with a different haircut. Should I be concerned? Should I say something about it? I can't for certain say it's the same guy and I don't want to confirm face to face now.

Should I just wait it out? Should I go say hi? Help. PS, I have a coworker named Mickey and I'm dying to go off on him on a long monologue. It's a guy that she didn't hook up with, was just talking to on a dating app. Yeah. Well, it's a dude emailing about another dude that he sort of saw on a dating app and then blocked on a dating app.

They never went out and then he thinks he lives next to this guy, but isn't sure. So he doesn't want to like, hey, I don't know if you followed me on a bunch of social media sites and I blocked you or what? Right. Do you mention that at all? I think you have to play it cool. Yeah. I think that you, if it were me, I would never say anything.

I usually try to avoid the neighbor anyway. Yeah. So if the neighbor actually says hi to you. I must nod to the neighbor guy. I see. I don't feel appropriate to me. But sometimes you need to like befriend your neighbor if just in case anything happens. I'm friends with like one of my neighbors.

Are you giving the key? No. Not yet. No. My brother lives like three blocks away. He has the key. Yeah. I'm not doing a neighbor key thing.

Yeah. But then like, what if it's like, hey, there's the package. Hey, there's a police department. Hey, there's a fire situation. I'll get a, I mean, fire situation. Yeah. He doesn't need a key. He can't contact you either.

Yeah. He needs your contact info. I have, yeah. It's contact information. So he can call you. You can call me. And I can call him. Yeah.

That's right. And if there's a problem, he can text my brother. I can text my brother. I think I need a lock box. That's what you need. Lock box that stays outside. That stays outside. And then that way anyone you need can get into your house.

You used to have a keyless keypad entry. That's correct. You think you're going to go to that in the new place? I don't know. Was that just an LA thing for you? I guess I theoretically could. And I liked it. It was really nice to not have.

You tried to convince me to get it. Yeah. It was nice to not have to carry keys. And there are even more like modern now where like you can, you can get one that's like programmed to your Bluetooth. Yeah. So you're just like walking home. You don't even have to put the code in.

It's like your, if your phone is in your pocket, it'll just open. Wow. Yeah. If your phone is in your pocket, you're not even swiping it like Apple pay. No. That's really cool. Yeah. But then everyone's like, but what if my phone dies, my phone's never dead.

Well, those things. If my phone's dead, I'm dead and I don't deserve to get into my house. In a pinch, you know, I have an outlet outside, but also you can, you make the, they do have a way to get in with a key. They make a key for, in addition. Yeah. Because if like, if the, if the lock box itself died too. Yeah.

So then you got to bring a key just in case your lock box. Well, now then you put the key in the lock box. This is coming up more and more because I got the car key, the office fob, the wallet credit card. Like we need a way to put it all on the phone. Yes. And the phone can never die. Yeah.

And it's all, it's sort of getting there. Like I no longer have cash. I use the card. Now I don't necessarily need the card because I got the Apple pay. But then some places don't take Apple pay. They only take the card. Some people need your ID and some people could just have a photo of it. Yeah.

Like the keys and the wallet all on the phone. Everything on the phone seems, seems. That's what we're headed. Yeah. That'd be good. And then you don't have to, like, that's the only three things you carry it would all be in one. Yeah.

That would be nice. But then you don't even like the size of your phone. You're switching your phone. It's too big. I'm getting the mini. I'd like, I want the chip. I want just everything in my brain. So I don't have to carry it.

You know, it's not nice to have things in your pocket. Yeah. I want it in my head. I want it in my mouth. I want an SD card in my throat. I want that, like, beautiful mind shit. Yeah. You know, just, like, things happening in my eye.

Yeah. That's my shit. There were a few times this weekend where I'm like, I'm seeing something fun, but I, like, if I take out my phone and take a photograph of it, it'll change. Like someone's laughing or like cracking up at a joke. What am I going to take out my phone and take a picture of this person? I want to just sort of blink and then have that as a snapshot of my brain. That's interesting.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I think is a picture. That's a picture. Yeah. I want to be a phone, basically. So we're not all putting everything on the phone. We're becoming a phone, of course.

Yeah. If we were phones. Yes. If I were a phone. So it's not even us. It's just basically two phones. Two phones talking to each other. And honestly, I really don't think we would need a home if we were a phone.

Yeah. You're the pro. I'm the mini. And then... Welcome to Fireware Phone. Have you ever... I'm pro. I'm mini.

This is an animated series we're pitching. It's not being received well, of course. Because we got in the door with a different idea. Yeah. We just thought of it now. Actually, I've been into a Tesla recently. Shout out to Marty. They don't have a key.

You just sort of walk in and the car turns on. But is it a phone thing or is it a card thing? I think it's a card. It's like a black credit card. Yeah. See, I don't want... I don't appreciate that. But you can put that in the phone.

In the phone? Or at least a case. A case with a single card or something. A car should have a key if it doesn't have a home. I don't want the fob. I don't fucking like the fob, frankly. It's a bad shape for a key to be. But what if it's actually the thickness and size of a credit card?

I already have the perfect amount of cards in my wallet. I don't need cards. I guess if it's the exact size and shape of a credit card, I could handle it. But your office fob, for example... That's like three credit cards. That's thick. It's thick. Yeah.

That's real thick. What is it doing? It's like a fob to be thick. It's plastic. It's the thickness of a piece of Wonder Bread. Yeah. Flattened, but still. Yeah.

It's condensed. It's a condensed thick plastic fob. I would argue thinner than a key. It shouldn't be. No. I don't think it's thinner. It's the thickness of a key and it's... A size of a card.

A card, yeah. But you don't have to stick it into a hole. Yeah. But you have to like... At least when I use that fob, I have to extract it from my wallet. No, I can keep it in my wallet. That's good. But every time you're going into a door, I'm not a fan of needing to take out your things

that you shouldn't have to. Do you think you should have to take out your wallet when you are on the street trying to get into your office? Well, you have to take out your key anyway. Yeah, but a key is for a door. Yeah. A phone is for your home and a wallet is for the mall. Shit.

None of that rhymed. You didn't have to force it. Wallet, mall, shit? Yeah, that one did because you made it rhyme, but the first two. Phone, home, kinda. And then a key is for a door. A key is for a door. Phone is for a home and a wallet is for a mall, shit.

A key is for the door, see? You get the turdy this episode. And I've never said that before and I've never felt compelled to say it. Yeah, nor should I have. Honestly, I will accept the turdy for the key is for the door. Wow. Holy shit, I was just kidding. No, no, I deserve it.

I deserve it. I deserve it for that. I wonder, so now the golden mic is quasi up for grabs. Quasi. And we'll see, but try not to get too grubby. I forgot what we were going to tell this guy. Oh yeah, bring it up with his neighbor or not. I would say no, wait till he brings it up.

Because what if you're wrong? Yeah, it's yeah, and it's also like if it is him, then that's bad. And if it's not him, that's bad. There's not really a good outcome. You just need to be okay with not knowing and thinking it could be, but like knowing that it's him, it's not really going to make you feel any better. Yeah, and stuff that happens online in the phone, in the metaverse, you don't discuss that IRL, especially right off the bat.

I agree. That's, that's for computers. You're not, we're not there yet. We're not phones yet. Yeah. So keep it on the phone, keep it on the DL and give him a head nod. If he could, uh, furthers the relationship beyond that. That's good.

Uh, okay. Let's take a break. Thanks. Some sponsors and we'll be back after these messages. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress.

Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz.

I don't, I don't. How do you sleep for the better part of the decade? Excuse me. I do not, I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah.

I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. I like that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows.

Come on. Yes. This is their best offer yet. And no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. Now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and

they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business.

But with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap. So stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates, holy smokes. And for 25 years, stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses.

So if one million businesses can trust stamps.com, certainly you can too. Set your business up for success with stamps.com today. Sign up with promo code IFIWEREYOU for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts, just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code IFIWEREYOU. And that gets you a free four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale.

That sounds pretty good. Thank you, stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? I don't know. Of course. Let's do it. I'm coming.

Gross. Gross indeed. Actually, I think we both do. Okay. We both do. Okay. Because I have a piece of advice that I have been into recently. Okay.

You know, one of my goals was becoming more of a neighborhood guy? Yeah, which is sort of the opposite of what we just said, which is like, don't be your neighbors. Yeah. I'm friendly with the neighbors a couple of them are great But I'm trying to go to more of the local stores in the neighborhood versus chains versus the chains and Versus the the uber eats the caviar the door dash the seamless You know I still sneaks in every once in a while, but even now when I'm ordering

I will call the place and order directly and then go pick it up which saves some money, too It saves money. It's get it's more money for the restaurant And it makes you feel just a little more human Yeah, because you're doing it like you would in 1998. Yeah. Yeah, so how do they recommend doing that? so When they when they pick up and you're talking to them or they're like just use the internet Oh, no, thank you for calling in and doing it over the phone. Also. Do you pay when you get there? Yeah in advance I pay when I get there I see and like I just pay with my phone

So that's pretty easy. You're gonna need your phone. Yeah, we I'll tell you what I did not like doing before Like I didn't like calling and like leaving a credit like giving my credit card over the phone That's like not fun or convenient. No, but now every place that I call I just put in the order I say I want to come pick it up. I come I say my name. They give me the bag. I pay on my phone Yeah, and then do you say by the way? By the way, I'm Jake. Thanks for this. I love a McDonald's Hey, and remember this is my order. Yeah cheeseburgers large We're gonna call that yet the usual

Yeah, I work here for this week only and sometimes I'll get up a Milk shake is all it's what I was important to important to support local businesses You walking fast a mom-and-pop burger stand your phone was declined really Yeah, I haven't made money this year. That'll happen All right, cool order pick up this episode is brought to you by dash pass. We should say fuck okay, my Unsolicited advice is I saw a musical called jagged little pill

Which is the name of a land an Alanis Morcette album, which I knew about growing up Mm-hmm, and I didn't realize how much I liked turns out Alanis Morcette still got it still the goat So if you remember this album, you should listen to it again. Oh, yeah It's a thrill There's so many good songs on it And if you are too young to remember this album because it came out in 1995 check out jagged little pill Yeah, it's a great album. That's one of my that was one of the first CDs I got or or was able to listen to because my sister had it right and I didn't I'm listening to this

I'm at this musical which is awesome, and then every song some I recognize and are great Some I don't recognize and are still great. I'm like was this written for the musical. No It's all in this album, which was made in 1995 Alanis Morcette was 21 years old at the time wild. Do you have a favorite song? Every time I listen to it's something new. I mean, I loved you ought to know. I love head over heels I love hand in my pocket. I like ironic you learn all I really want. It's there's so many Yeah, there's a lot of good hits on that out from this one Insanely popular album. Mm-hmm. So shout out to Alanis Morcette Finally giving her some love on episode 512 or whatever. Yeah, I think head over heels is probably my top

You would like this show then because you better believe they sing it and it's like a Broadway-ized version of every show. So it's kind of like watching really talented people do Alanis Morcette karaoke That's pretty solid. Oh, but I'll tell you what I had this experience when I watched The the Billy Joel Broadway musical. Oh, what's it called? I think it's called moving out Oh, and I was like, this is pretty good, but I like it when Billy Joel sings it Yeah, and Alanis has such a specific voice. Yeah, and some of them match it and some of them don't even try and it's oh, that's cool covers slash Karaoke versions of maybe maybe it'll be more like the Green Day musical that I saw which I thought was awesome Yeah, I guess it is a really easy way to write. It's easy and hard. It's easy because the songs are already written

So that's the hard part, but then the hard part is like making a story with the songs I think I like a puzzle that shouldn't be a puzzle piece I want to be hired to do the one for dude ranch. Yeah, are there is there enough common themes that? You could put into an a story that you can just make the songs 80% of the story. Yeah It's like a loser that can't get laid interesting. We already wrote it. It's called lonely and horny. We just set it to luscious by accident Wait, what songs are on dude ranch that you can sort of piece together like puzzle pieces. Let me see I was kind of kidding about dude ranch, but I could probably more but you know enema of the state doesn't have That's more of a fun album. I don't the slow songs. Yeah

Let me see. Let me Alanis is very good at as well She got like fun angry songs, and then she's got like really slow songs I fucking resent that I just looked up dude ranch and the first result was for fucking like actual ranch Yeah, not the album. Yeah, dude ranch. I guess because the album is like 38 years. That'll happen Okay Oh damn, it's on that album. There you go. Okay, so it's dick lips. Yeah, which is actually a pretty good song It's about getting kicked out of high school. That's fun. Yeah, the good thing about album. They're called jukebox I discovered jukebox

Musicals is like when a song like usually in a musical you're like I hope to like these songs and by the end you might like them but like in a jukebox musical like somebody starts singing ironic You're like everyone's already all in this is great. I already like this song Right. Yeah, like when damn it comes on during your play people are just like fucking so invested. That's tight Wait, so what songs are on there? Josie is on there. That's good. That could be like the main character. Mm-hmm apple shampoo done of that one Yeah, that could be like him getting ready in the morning. Yeah, there's one called a new hope Which is kind of a Star Wars ballot

It's getting a little harder the course is Princess Leia. We're argue tonight Yeah, it was kind of hard to fit ironic into this musical. I'll say that much. Isn't that ironic? Yeah, someone had to like sing ironic in like the middle of a song in the middle of a play a story about something else Interesting little too ironic. Nice. I really do think Okay, let's see if we can answer another question. This one's called just classic sticky situation cool It's a lady a lady who is in a state. Josie Josie. There we go She brings me Mexican food from sombrero just because is that Josie that is

That could be in the play. Yeah, my girlfriend So she comes home and he's like, well, where'd you get that Mexican food from and she's like just from sombrero Why just because? You don't ever sing the song so cool and independent. She doesn't mind when I hang out with the guys I do like someone that laughs at my dumb jokes when no one does Usually in my relationships, everyone else is laughing and the girl's sort of rolling her eyes Yeah, she's heard it all. Yeah, you're because you're a lot. Yeah, exactly Hi, Jake and Amir. I did something stupid and dumb and now I'm sort of dealing with that. I'm 19 and in college

Josie style I'm Wednesday on Wednesday a few senior guys invited me to join their drinking game And I got blackout drunk like bad the next morning was punishment enough I had to run out of of my biology lab to vomit What looked like the most mostly strawberries under fluorescent lights? Yikes But the problem is that one of the guys who I played with Recently broke up with my roommate like two weeks ago. She was really hurt that I hung out with him and yelled at me I get why she was upset, but my question is how can I apologize to her and we're Generally, what are the rules of hanging out with your friends's ex in group settings?

Thanks for making me laugh when I feel like shit Josie So that is that's the real question to me. Yeah, can you hang out? I mean she can hang out group setting Yeah, I think that I think that her friend owes her an apology. Yeah, I don't think you should apologize I think it's like that's an overreaction yelling Yelling at somebody because she's like she's mad at the ex not the friend right and like the ex is like They had a breakup and now the ex is hanging out with her friends. Okay, so you have so being nice I think that you got to look at the source of the anger which isn't actually something that you did like You hung out with this guy, so I'm mad at you

It's actually like this guy hurt me so I'm mad and like that being reminded of it makes me sad And now I'm frustrated at you. That's right So there's a bunch of steps that you can address that isn't like I'm sorry I hung out with this guy because really what you did is not you'd not really anything wrong Yeah, but what you can apologize about is What your roommates going through and offer some kind of help and support to make her feel better? Yeah, I mean being hungover is already bad. It's the worst punishment of all I think that the apology should just like kind of entail

You know how kind of insane it is like I'm really sorry That like I saw your ex and I know you don't want me to hang out with him Would it make you feel better if I'd never hung out with any guys again? Like is that oh, that's nice and passive aggressive Yeah, and I have just left when I saw him there and like hung out at home I'm so sorry. I didn't do that. I really forgot you did. I didn't know he was gonna be there But when he was there should I have just like run away? Is that what you'll do every time you see someone that you'd recognize from someone else that dated him?

Did you just like walk out of the restaurant or something or like can you be in the same restaurant? I'm just curious what the rules are cuz you're making them up on the fly God being so hungover and then have to do stuff at school is I'm glad I don't have to experience that feeling anymore Yeah, being hungover and doing anything. I think as I've gotten older I haven't necessarily stopped getting hungover. I'm definitely hungover less But I have stopped being able to do shit when I was hungover Yeah, other than like lay down and watch football and fall asleep occasionally Yeah, even if I have plans to like I was gonna watch the Grand Prix with Marika at the office yesterday

Yeah, I was too hungover I have to just stay at home. I'll do you one better than that I can't even drink to get hungover anymore like by the time I have a my first or second drink I like I already feel bad. I'm like, I'm so beyond drinking that like I can't even drink enough Alcohol to get drunk enough to be hungover anymore. I think your body just starts like shutting it down Yeah, like no by the second drink. I'm just like I don't feel that well anymore. Wow. So I'm like, I don't know I have to find an alternative to drinking Maybe micro dosing that'd be cool or maybe drinking is not for me anymore because I'm 38 and then once you become

Once I even if I fight through and I figure out a way to drink enough. I'll still feel bad the next day So what's the reward? There's no reward. Yeah I Wonder if I can just be dehydrated. I'll just like not drink water that day So I could still experience a hangover, which is like a communal punishment. That's good But then I don't have to necessarily get drunk and have fun Nice, did you guys go out after that? The Doughboy show I think I saw you guys walk into a bar and I'm like, all right. This is the end of the night for me

It's 1 a.m. Yeah, I think that was my Second of four bars that night. Wow. Yeah, and what was the third and fourth bar? Third bar was the woods. Mm-hmm fourth bar was Ontario bar I see where I was just sitting there with Micah saying we shouldn't have done this So third bar was like the transition to the regretful side of things I regretted even the third bar because we got to the third bar and Jeff realized he Had forgotten his backpack at the second bar with the computers and stuff. You immediately had to leave gone forever

The night was over. Yeah, so like we were at the woods and that's a good place to be with like four people But it's not exactly a just me and Micah bar. I see so we hung out for a little bit And then it was like three. Yeah, then it's like three maybe even 315. Yeah, and we're like, let's walk home We walk home on the way home. We're passing Ontario bar and it's like it looks like there's some people there still Yeah, so let's try to squeeze a little bit more out of this night. Yeah, we thought Jeff might be there. Was he? No, yeah Do you got a drink at the fourth bar? Yes, if it's the end of the night end of the night I did not finish it as I was drinking. I was like if you stop now You'll be less hungover. Yeah, and nothing's happening. There's nothing left. That's how I feel at the on the second drink

Right it happens earlier for you. Yeah, there's there's a good middle ground That would be that's where you that's where you want to be I think yes, exactly a little bit more drunk than me a little Little less drunk three basically what Marty did actually he left after the second bar Yeah, I don't know how many drinks he had but he left out he left after the second bar I feel like we got to figure something out with alcohol like give me drunkenness in a pill or something like I shouldn't have to drink So much poison to get drunk anymore. It's 2021. Yeah, let's figure something out. Yeah So if any of you chemists are out, she was actually in a biology lab, so maybe they're studying that that'd be perfect And once you're growing up during it, so she probably missed that part and once we do the COVID thing

I feel like we can shift our attention a little bit. Yeah Yeah, like if we can do like the let's do the vaccine that works like a hundred percent of the time And then which was it's been totally awesome. Thank you for the vaccine and I do appreciate that one note It should be a hundred percent of the time always Yeah, just effective forever and then also once you're done with that ideally a shot that'll get me hammered and not a shot of Yeager, right? Yeah, a shot that gets you hammered and then another shot that cures the hangover Yeah, or at least an alcohol that doesn't taste so What if you I want to drink a bottle of water and then feel tipsy that'd be cool. Yeah

Yeah, I like the idea of a hangover that you like the cure that feel you wake up And you feel the hangover you would have you take a shot and it just sort of like goes away dissipates Yeah, that's cool. So you so you really feel the effect of that medicine instead of the gradual getting out of the hangover We should be fucking chemists because I have a lot of ideas for medicines. That's cool. What's another one? Um, I mean, I already can't I feel like hangover cures pretty fucking good. Yeah Shot that makes you a little taller like so if you wanted to grow you would have a shot and The fun thing would be like you'd basically buy say your inseam is 30 inches. Are you paying attention?

I feel like you're really scatterbrained right now. We're talking about very focused on the shot a shot That makes you taller. Yeah, you buy a pair of 34 inch inseam pants. You wear that to the doctor He gives you the shot all of a sudden you grow into that inseam. That's pretty neat You walk out in why do I have to bring the pants cuz it's that feeling that feeling of that growth in that moment And that's the golden mic for coming up You are I came up with two new medicines on this show Wasn't the first one me that was a fucking co-pro I was a co-pro and I had the fucking design for how it was gonna be how it was gonna be applied and how it would work

And I actually have a patent I Really do have a patent about it All right, so let us know if you can make up that medicine scientist. Thank you appreciate in advance namaste All right, let's take another break and answer some more questions on the other side of these massages Thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast You know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network Jake Wow, that's correct I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is Yeah, yeah, not just father's day

But if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know, I am expecting. Yeah, my first child We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now, but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice Oh, that's cool

So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah frame This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Haha, really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit like yeah, this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant Yeah, yeah, kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way By the way, Jill's Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Just grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes and we let her know with an aura. Yeah

Thank you the aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah Yeah, exactly even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody Connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift a really really iconic gift and right now You can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames. That's a you are a frames dot com

Mm-hmm, and our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames There it is. Oh, wow, this is timely the deal ends on June 18 So don't wait terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a you are a frames dot com Okay, go get your parents something. All right and use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping Thank you, aura and now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that

Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional Charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years So give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful So you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to better help comm slash if I were you

You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a Waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional Licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's better help HELP comm slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Welcome back to if I were you the only advice podcast on the wet. Let's start over. I'm a mirror Yeah, I'm Schmools rules Schmools rules can't wait to write that later

So this is a question from a Canadian guy Alanis Morcette also Canadian very good used to date Dave Cooley a also Canadian Then was married to Ryan Reynolds really also I think married maybe dating what a power couple that was I like both of those people Okay, this is a 24 year old will call Dave Cooley a I found myself in a predicament and could really use your advice I had a close female friend and I hung out with her a lot yesterday I took shrooms for the first time and she was my sober tripsitter after a couple hours I was dripping balls and somehow said I'm in love with you as soon as I said it I realized it's not true, but it was too late She said she loves me too and went for a kiss. I kissed her it felt so wrong

I made an excuse after and went home, and I did not enjoy the rest of my trip. Now. What do I do? I definitely don't want it. I don't really don't like her that way And I don't want to lose her friendship since I don't have many other friends. What should I say give me a quote, please We have never spoken since Quote and don't just like say what the sentiment should be like write me something all read on the phone Yeah, I want to I want to look down reading as I speak to her That's such a funny fucking situation because he She was she was trip-sitting. She's dead sober. You can't chalk it up to like oh, we were fucked up

Yeah, you were fucked up and she said the truth she thinks that that's your universal truth the most true You used to do that you used to take Drugs that made you feel love and then confess love and not necessarily think so. That's correct. Yeah, yes But when I was doing it everyone was on the drugs I was on mdma in the desert and I said I love you to someone and then I was on mda and the Clurb in New York I said something like that that'll happen that'll that'll happen when everyone's on molly. You do love everyone It was never even a lie

What about you say Like anyone would be I'm flattered by your fascination with me Like any hot-blooded woman if I simply wanted an object to crave But you you're not allowed You're uninvited. That's the quote. That's an elanus morset song that you can sing to her Oh, nice. That's right. Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm must be somewhat heartening To watch the shepherd meet shepherd There you have it. So just I don't know and then she says you've already won me over

In spite of me nice Head over heels Which is where your head is usually so it really should be the other way around but I know it's head over feet in her Head over feet. Yeah Um, okay. Yeah, I mean you have to confess your anti-love for someone. Hey, that was a mistake Um, I think yeah, you just played dumb. You say wow, it was crazy. Did I do anything weird yesterday? I don't remember anything completely dumb. No, that's that. Oh, that's too gaslighty

I think you just have to you there's nothing that you can do except Say How you actually feel? And I think the what you can temper it by saying I do Love you as a friend and our friendship is really important to me. That's really good Basically what you said here. So your quote is reading back this email to her. That's beautiful including this ps Recently watched the allison williams episode. This is what he says to her Are you still friends with her? If so bring her back on the show. It's a good idea. We should yeah

We sort of lost touch with a lot of our guests because of the pandemic But I'm sure allison still listens to every episode and wants to be on our show. God. There's no other situation, right? I do I trust that she's got that consistency. Yeah, I don't think I don't think we deserve it But I think that it's possible. That's cool. Uh, okay one last question Yeah Help am I catfishing my best friend's brother? Oh god. Yeah, I love this question Another lady We'll call this lady blake lively the person who stole ryan reynolds away

From a lanus. I can't believe it. Maybe I have no idea. Blake has nothing on a lanus Uh, so a couple years ago. I moved away from my home and my best friend last week My best friend's brother was stationed in my area. We matched on bumble So it doesn't seem like he realizes that it's me since moving. I've gained a new nickname But otherwise looked the same my bumble also indicates we're from the same city and his parents stayed with me last month His parents stayed with me last month. What do I do? Is he an idiot? We've been talking and I feel like I'm catfishing him because I already know the answer to the questions that I'm asking Help please

P. S. My best friend is a huge fan. It gave me the aok to shaboink her brother. Yeah, shaboink shaboink It's shaboink. See this is a nice friend that you can just shaboink the brother Not like you can't get drunk with my ex right. Yeah, that's this is that open heart strategy I just wanted to say that this guy 100 percent knows who you are They're so close that their parents stayed with her and then he's she's like, so where are you from? What are your parents like? No, they're currently staying with me. I think he's just playing it cool Uh, but he knows who you are Really? Yes. Just as you know who he is. I think it just goes without saying

I don't think you need to be like, oh my god. It's you. Hi. It's like Hey, uh, we're chatting. We matched. This is it's obvious. We know each other But she did gain a new nickname I just imagine that 25 years into life and I go by I don't know Kenny I that you change your name all the time on this show It's a gait nice and liquid nice Yeah, but none of them ever see it or less

I don't know. A thin little skeleton guy Where did you pull that one? I don't remember that. You don't remember Theodore Leslie? None of you say it it sort of sounds familiar, but I definitely couldn't have thought of it I really like that actually Theodore Leslie A chemist from London Move to I don't know the pacific northeast. That's good north the pacific Yes, what is that? Spokane, Minnesota Yes, Theodore has a hard time with words and geography

Leslie is sort of a wild child of the night. Yes. Yes. It's also not a good chemist. No He has a hard time with everything Theodore is kind of a bumbling moron of a man But did I mention he's six eight one twelve soaking wet and pale as a gait nice I'm losing the nickname mid-sentence. I can't even introduce myself to people Do you think you'd have fun if you would just sort of try to reinvent yourself? You would move to I don't know Denver for a year and just Do whatever you want. You sort of have

Card Blanche access to do Create a new life for yourself, but only for a year. Oh, yeah, that's exactly basically what I was going to say I think I could have fun, but it would be there'd be a Uh a shelf life for it. Yeah, I think I and I think it would be a year But that's but that would pretty fun. Everybody should take a gap year to find themselves slash be someone else. That's cool Yeah, I basically did it in college. I went to my freshman year I had an amazing first semester made a bunch of new friends kind of midway through realized I hate it being there I made it to go home

And be with my my best friends and my family. Yeah, and I think that happens to me often Yeah, like when you move to LA and then you said, you know what? I don't want to be here anymore I want to be closer to my friends and my family. Yeah, but that was harder because some of my friends lived in LA And there's the rub But yeah, I mean that I guess now and now there's like a way to split the time But I would definitely do just like a straight up. I mean, I want to do a year in Melbourne. That's what I want to do Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, that's sort of an la meets new york It's like a city, but the weather is just nice all the time and people are laid back

That's what I want Although it is weird that LA and New York are so far apart like half of everybody We know lives in these two cities that could not be further apart. Yeah Is that just a coincidence like we could just be friends with people from Austin and Nashville and it's a pretty close thing, but that's not how it worked out. Yeah, it's the industry That's what it is But why are half the people and I guess because you either prefer this or you prefer that? But geographically, they're so separated. I hope but I think I know more people that

prefer New York but live in LA anyway at this point because they move there and they're just they don't want to move back Yeah, like you move there for to like write on a show or something you get all the sudden I don't know if you move across the country. It's it's hard for people to uh move back. It's not hard for me I've done it a lot. Yeah, but for you. It's like a whatever thing. Yeah, you driven across the country multiple times I think six in fact. I think you prefer the the movement. I do. Yeah Yeah, you're already talking about going to Australia. Yeah You just finished creating a house and now as soon as it's done, you're like, I want to go to Australia for a year Yeah, yeah, I like the process. Yeah

Okay, uh, did we tell this person what to do? Uh, yeah Yeah, just proceed with the knowledge that this guy knows who you are Okay, cool. And you don't need to you don't need to verify or confirm It'll it'll come out on the day in a way. Yeah All right, cool. Thanks for writing in. Thanks for submitting your questions your theme songs all of it too If I were you show at g melt.com Uh The opening theme song. Oh, yeah, we can

Complete it. We can finish it because we only saying half of it or heard half of it Um, and if anyone wants to submit an Alanis Morse theme song That'll be the zone that I'm in looking for for the next month or so So choose a song parody it up send it in Uh, do you remember her name? I believe it was Shelby Yes, Shelby Capone and Dean Dean rules dean rules and schmooze rules too. Uh, thanks to you guys for listening Thanks for coming to the live shows if you were there and we'll be back next week Chow everybody

Relax Golden mics and turkeys amir's hurry feelings and Advice that's given now all day hold each other's hands probably There it is again if I were you If I were you If I were you What would they do? Dengar's vacation

But I'm Waiting for Jay They tried to be gay for each other, but it didn't take They killed yourself in starbucks eat her pie fell better Hell Don't these random dudes better than I know myself There it is again if I were you If I were you

It is again if I were you What would they do? Hopefully kiss That was a hit dumb original