If I Were You - 512: Be Clear

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

In this episode we discuss line cutting, fine cuddling, and fiber muddling.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. I was waiting for a second verse. I was waiting for another verse. I liked it so much that I wanted there to be another one. Short and sweet. That's what Anders gave us. Sorry, Anders rhymes with gander. And the good news is he just put out an album on Spotify.

Oh, perfect. Yeah, you can find it. If they go to my IG bio, which is welcome to Anderland. Welcome to Anderland. Yeah, that was one hand in my pocket in parody because we talked about Alanis last week, who's the new goat in my eyes. So Anders said, I'm going to whip something up real quick. And here's something crazy.

He says, I throw music up there and cartoons too. I'm an illustrator. Oh, oh shit. This guy, just like me, is kind of a multi hyphenate artist. Yeah, he does it all. That's so fucking dope to see. Well, I'm an actor. I'm a writer.

I'm a comedian. I'm an editor. Actor. What are you talking about? I'm an actor. And I'm an editor. You're an actor. I'm a multi hyphenate.

What are you acting? What are you acting? Fucking headgun videos? I'm here. Taken in your videos? I don't think that counts as writing either. I mean, Jesus. Okay, so I'm a fucking, I am a podcaster slash editor extraordinaire, actually.

That's barely, so that's not multi hyphenate. That's a slap. In addition to that. You don't do art. I really do art. You deal in fucking NFTs and you've lost all your money. I'm interested in getting rich quick. And then in addition to that, I can organize a zoom.

All right, cool. So you're like an executive assistant with a side hobby that you're not good at. Yeah. And this guy's good at fucking music and cartoons. He's an illustrator. You're so much better. Honestly, we both kind of suck. Now you're going to fucking tear Andrew down.

That's not right. Well, what can he do? He can barely, the guitar was nice and the voice was kind. Check out his animation. Check out his animation. But I'm not going to want to speak it out just yet. Like anybody can sing that song. Because I got one hand in my pocket.

And the other one is singing a cartoon. God, I'm sad for you, man. Well, you also have seasonal depression disorder, whatever it's called. Sad. Whatever it's. Allergy disorder. Yeah. There's a huge difference between allergies and depression.

I think they sort of backed into the acronym there. It is sad as the acronym, but what's the A stand for? Seasonal anxiety depression? No. No. Seasonal depression. Effective disorder. Oh, yeah.

Interesting. Yeah. That's a background to be sure. It's called sad. Yeah. Oh, this is very sad. It's a guy who in a painting who looks bummed because it's sort of dark and cold out. And it says light therapy may improve symptoms and he just sort of looks bummed next to

a light. Yeah. Well, you know, you can try it. Yeah. I mean, if it works like whatever floats your boat, I guess, I guess whatever makes you happy, which is the happiness, effectiveness of positive photon yearly therapy. Nice. Another background that you just backed into.

Oh, yeah. I guess it does stand for happy. That's cool. Yeah. Okay. Cool. So thank you, Andrew, for tossing us an Alanis Morset. Again, the more the merrier when it comes to Alanis, that's the only one we received

this week that was Morset themed. Yeah. And that's a, that's kind of a priority now, you know, that'll get you to the top of the inbox if you've gotten Alanis. It's a fast pass and it is a, it is an absolute cutting. You can do a back cut. You can do a front cut. You can just right to the front of the line.

It's a, what's that thing called at the airport where you can sort of cut the line if you pay the money. Oh, yeah. So it's, that's clear. Yeah. It's a clear pass. Clear is, I flew this past weekend and I, I didn't know I talked a lot about my Delta medallion status, but one of the.

And it is status. One of the benefits, excuse me, I'm talking, one of the benefits of being, what, what, I can't, I can't have a conversation. You wouldn't understand. That's right. What? What? I didn't say that.

What I'm saying is one of the. I, I understand what you're saying. You don't get it. You're getting upset that I cut you off. One of the benefits if I can finish is of being diamond medallion status is that you're gifted. And you do have a diamond medallion. That's so lame.

I do have diamond studs in my ears and I'm an Ed bastion necklace. You get gifted clear, which nice, it is nice, which usually costs people money, but TSA pre is pretty good. It's fine. Nothing compared to clear because when you're clear, they just fucking, you have a handler that brings you to the front of the line. They don't make a different line. Like TSA pre was this like government sanctioned thing where they.

Yeah. They change the infrastructure. Yeah. It's like, okay. If you don't have TSA pre, you got to take your shoes off. You're over here. TSA pre is like you're trusted. You can keep your shoes on.

Your line is here. And then clear comes in and they're just like, you give me a hundred dollars. I'll bring you to the front of the line. It'll look official because I'm wearing a vest. And that's, have you ever been cut by a clear? Yes. And I vowed to never get clear because I was so appalled by the system, which is just that they are brought in front of you.

And that's it. But then when I got the, when I got the free, when I got the free clear, I was like, free and clear. Yeah. You were free. I can't say no. It's being given to me. So now, and now I could never go back.

I could never go back. They should. It's insane. It's paying someone to make cutting seem official. Yeah. It's paying an asshole. Yeah. So that you don't look bad.

So you're the true asshole. I'm sorry. I'm the biggest asshole of all. I'm clear. I don't know what you want me to say. I really am clear. Yeah. It's like how when you're late, they can bring you to the front of the line and you

feel like an asshole, except this is like, you're not late. So you're just an asshole. You didn't make a mistake. Do you say sorry when they're cutting for you or you're like, you nod to the person that you just cut. You nod. The mother of four. Yeah.

And you nod and they salute you. There's a clear member on deck. I'm surprised like supermarkets and other things with long lines haven't implemented this system. Like anything with a line can just create a fast pass. Give me $100 and you don't have to wait in this Whole Foods line. It's true. That's God.

What a fucking bleak future for society. But that's like, you've got the, it's exactly like the supermarket because you got the regular lines. You got the 12 items or less express. And then you have, I pay Gilson's $49 a month. So I don't wait in the line. Gilson's clear. Well, I mean, isn't there like an Amazon grocery store where you can just, where you just scan

the items as you shop? Like that's, that's what should be like walking. Like right. You walk and you put it in your cart and you leave and it charges you. And like you have reusable bags now. So like, I feel like part of the process of like checking out used to be like getting your items backed up. But I mean, you should just shop with your reusable bags, scanning them, and then pay

with your phone when you leave. That's right. Automatically. Yeah. That's where we're headed. And I can't wait until we're there where we don't have to employ anybody. I just have to walk in, grab my supermarket sushi and leave. And yeah, it costs $17 because it's the not too distant future.

That's fine. It's already kind of happening. They have the self-checkout. So it's more just like. Yeah. I do self-checkout. Yeah. And self-checkout's good because you could be like, ooh, I forgot to scan that steak.

And sometimes. Oh my. You'll finish your sushi. I just paid for a juice. Yeah. You'll finish your sushi before you go get to the line, right? In line. In kind.

And I will pull up a chair to the hot bar. So about the time I scan the weight, it weighs half as much as what I've already ate because I'm clear. And I could not be more clear with my intentions actually. In fact, can we introduce Jake and Amir clear right now where we'll give you the podcast 12 hours early? Yeah. You get the show as we record it.

We will give you the zoom link. So you'll be a fly on the wall during this process. I mean, right now. That's pretty good. I mean, I'm not saying to an edited version, but imagine you are just dialed in watching me in a mirror on zoom. It's exactly the same, except it's happening live to your eyes. And that's.

Yes. Being. And we do a lot of editing. We do. We probably speak every day for six hours and I shave it down to a lean 45 for the show. Only the best bits make it. This one that you're listening to right now beat out 10 other amazing bits. I don't even know if it has yet, right?

That's the crazy part. Like I can see a world where we start over. This might never see the light of day outlight of day. And that's that's what makes this beautiful is that it's just for us. This is just really cool. Just me. Are you recording? I should ask.

I haven't started yet. I might. We ran the ads four times and I think now I'm ready to record on the ads. We rehearsed those enough. Yeah. Do you have any notes on the clear part? I kind of like the whole foods clear. Maybe we can use Trader Joe's clear when we record it.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. I think I mentioned like a Gelsen's line like paying 49 to Gelsen's. But what would you think about doing that is Albertson's? Yeah. And 39. I was going to say I was going to pitch an alt. I was going to say also that I namedrop Ed Bastion.

And I worry that the CEO of Delta is going to be a little too far of a reach for your average. Yeah. He doesn't need that smoke. Yeah. I think you've mentioned them before. So it is a good callback though. I don't remember if we kept that in.

It was episode 297. Episode 297. I remember we got that down to a lean 58 minutes from the eight hour record session. So yeah, it could have been left on the cutting room floor. I'll check my records. There's one last thing about clear. And then we really have to drop it. Yeah.

Is that if everybody got clear, then clear wouldn't work. Like correct. It's a system that can't succeed. It's like the goal is that only 10% of people use it. Otherwise, everybody has it. It's just like the fucking Dr. Seuss's, Dr. Seuss's sneaches thing. Like everybody, everybody gets the stars on their belly and then, then like they're then suddenly that's not that, that's special and then you can get them removed or whatever.

Like eventually we're going to have to move over and I'm going to be taking my shoes off like an idiot, but I'll be the only person in the non TSA non clear line. It'll just be me and fucking Bastion on the day. And who's Bastion again? Ed Bastion, CEO of Delta. Shout out. Shout out to a real one. Absolutely.

Shout out. Okay. This is, if I were you, the only advice pod on the wad hosted by me, I'm God. And I'm fucking Bastion and I'm TSA Pre. That's cool. TSA Elliot. So it's a poet about, um, yeah, security, I guess. Right.

That's actually really funny. Remind me to delve into that deeper when we do the re-record. Okay. Yeah. Smart. Uh, you sent me an email, um, somebody says, inviting an ex to a wedding. Yes. Correct.

Amondo. I can't wait to dive in. Okay. Let's call this person ex Xavier because he's talking about exes. Mm hmm. Good stuff. I'm a 21 year old guy living around Cleveland. My fiance and I have been sending out wedding invites and I stumbled along a little problem.

One of my best friends from high school is dating one of my exes. Now this isn't too much of an issue by itself, seeing as this ex and I dated years ago and ended on decent terms, but my fiance and this girl absolutely hate each other, which is completely unrelated to our dating history. We both really want my friend to be at the wedding, but the fiance said that she doesn't even want to see this girl at our wedding. What should we do? Should it be uncouth just to not give them a plus one or should we suck them up?

Suck it up and be bigger people and invite them both. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Uh, Xavier. Jake, tell Murph, Emily and Caldwell, I say, what up? Oh, all right, we'll do. We'll do. Call him now.

Um, okay. But call Murph. Yeah. I'll call him, but why don't we drop? Why? We'll drop that this part from the final edited version of the show. Yeah. If you have Jake and Amir clear, you can actually hear Jake call Murph later and say, what up

from Xavier? Yeah. Straight to voicemail. Wow. Um, okay. I had a wedding, so I feel like I have, um, you know, some insight onto this type of thing. Yeah. But you, you don't give a plus one to everyone, right?

You don't give a plus one to everyone, but if, I think if you know that they're dating someone seriously, um, and especially if you've met that significant other, you would, yeah. So it's the plus one given to people who are close to you, or does it give in more priority to people who are like, let's say the last person that made your wedding invite list. You barely know this person, but he's married. Do you give them a plus one? Or do you save the plus one for like one of your best friends who's just dating somebody? Hmm.

I think I didn't have that problem really. I guess like maybe I'm thinking of like distant cousins, um, that weren't, if they were married, I think they get a plus one. If I have like a certain. So it's about their, their connection, not your connection to that guest. Yeah. Yeah. But I think like if I had, I definitely invited like second cousins that were pretty distant

that were younger, had no idea if they had significant others and did not give them a plus one. Cause those invites came as like part of like a family unit, like, uh, uncle, two kids, whatever. It's like that's, that's who it's addressed. Yeah. Um, yeah. And I think I definitely gave some plus ones to people that were dating people seriously.

I denied some plus ones of people that, uh, didn't have very serious relationships. That's good. Did you interview those people to see how serious the relationship was or just like people that just like, I trusted my gut, I trusted my gut and actually, uh, I was correct to do so. They're no longer with those people. So nailed it. It was on, it was, it was good, but I think what your wedding actually split them apart

because they didn't get a plus one. And so it's like, it's sort of created this chasm. It's like, oh, you don't talk to Jake about our relationship enough. That's why you didn't think that we're, and he's like, do you not like me like that? That you don't brag to your friends about me. Yeah. I think this is more about like, it's, it's less about inviting the rules around inviting an ex and more around inviting someone that your wife hates.

Like that was the second unrelated to this girl being his ex. He said his fiance hates her. You don't want the hated person there. Yeah. I think nobody you hate should be at your wedding, although if it's family, then you're sort of pot committed. Yeah. I mean, I think that the wedding, the nice thing about the wedding is that it allows

you to be a bigger person. You are, you have so much going on that day and you're the bright shining star talking about the bride that if someone you hate is there or it's like, it's, it's doesn't, it's not going to really show up on your radar. I don't think, at least it didn't for me. Anything that I was like, not happy about at the wedding took a back seat because there was just like so much other stuff going on and so much positive things that you could focus on.

That said, it's your wedding and there are, you can do whatever you want. You make the rules and I think if you, if your wife hates somebody, then she doesn't get invited to the wedding, you know, and you could just, or like, what if this guest has like a wedding clear pass so he gets to sort of fast track himself to the main table with a plus one because he paid his own way. He'll pay for the chicken and the fish. And he gets to choose the first dance. Yeah.

Cause I'm clear. Cause he's clear. And I'll have the first piece of cake, thank you very much. I'll put some on your nose in a playful fashion. I'll do the father daughter dance, I think. I'll do the father daughter dance. Just be an old man. With your father.

No. With her father. With her father. I'm clear for crying out loud. Hey, Macarena. Hi. This is a, this is a, don't give them a plus one situation. It seems.

Yeah. And I don't think you have to think twice about it because you might be friends, but this person doesn't get along with your fiance. And if they hate each other, she must know and I think it'll be fine. She has to. Yeah. You just send that solo dolo invite to your friend and they're not married. As long as they're not married, they're not engaged.

It's not that serious. You can almost write it like a plus zero on the wedding invite and then underneath says like, you get it, right? Like you know why this isn't a one. This kind of happened at my wedding where I invited somebody who had, there was no plus one. It was just like, you're invited RSVP and they wrote in like they're, you know, next to their like will be attending and they wrote the name of their significant other and so like

by the way, I'm bringing a one. Yeah. Like and it will be plus. It was, it was wild. It was wild. I can't wait to hear who that is offline in the unedited version. That's correct. Okay.

Let's take a break. You can tell me who it is, but people will hear ads instead of that juicy, juicy tidbit unless of course you have Jake and Amir clear. Yeah. Which is $400 a month. Okay. Back on the other side of these words. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Mm hmm.

Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of it. Excuse me. I do not. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it.

Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows.

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unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you Helix. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business.

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gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? I think the well, the well is dry this week. It's dry. I got nothing.

You've said everything. You spoke your peace, actually. Get clear. Get clear if you can. You're sounding like a Scientologist now. Try to go clear. No unsolicited, but I have a pretty funny slash frustrating story that might entertain people.

Interesting. As everybody knows, I had a lot of problems with my Internet at the beginning of the pandemic. Everybody did. Everybody was at home. The Internet was being absolutely throttled and Spectrum Internet couldn't handle the bandwidth. It was too much. Yeah.

I've seen people working from home in the same city. So I looked to get other Internet and wouldn't you know, fiber, which is like the goat Internet gives you a direct line into the mainframe, lets you download at 500, upload at 500. Just the goat Internet was just not available in my neighborhood. Sorry. You have to use Spectrum. Thought that was illegal, but okay, I have to use Spectrum literally no other option. What to month 18 of this fucking dystopian future we're in AT&T sends me a little card

that says, guess what, we installed fiber in your network, in your neighborhood. You can get fiber if you want. Hell yeah. Sign me up. It's cheaper. It's half the price of Spectrum and it's much faster and more reliable because again, direct connection. All right.

Can't stress that enough. Yeah. I'm in. The fourth comes around. I have an appointment fucking rubbing my hands together. Can't wait until this guy shows up and to install the Internet into my house. The guy shows up. He's like, all right, so where's the big fiber pole near your house to connect it to your

house? I'm like, I don't know where the fiber pole is. They just said that you know where it is and you can connect it to my house. You're the guy that works for fiber, you would know, right? And he's like, I think that's it in your backyard. Yeah, there's no terminal here. I'm like, okay, so what does that mean? I don't know anything about fiber Internet.

I don't know what a terminal is, so put the terminal and put it into my house and he's like, I can't do that. I'm the guy that installs it once the terminal is here. I don't know why they said it was ready. Okay. That's frustrating, but you know what? I have Internet. He says, I'm going to call the people that put the terminal at places that they put it

in and then I come back and then I connect it. Great. Weeks go by, they say, okay, we did it. We finally put the terminal in. A new guy can come back and install the Internet. Awesome. September 20th or whatever, instead of September 4th. Guy comes back.

Where do you want the router underneath your TV? Where can I get the wire in? All right, the terminal is here. Let me plug it in your router and there's no signal. Did they say anything about the signal not working? No, they just said that there was a terminal now, there wasn't now there is and that you could do it. Yeah.

I just, I don't know. I don't think that there's a signal here. There must be some sort of break in the splitter and the fiber and the blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I don't know. Again, I don't know how this works. Usually you just come and I have really fast Internet, which is what I was hoping for two weeks ago. Locking the door.

It's okay. Don't leave. Don't leave. I just got to get somebody else to come out and fix this other issue that you have, which is the signal not getting to your house. Of course. Yes. No, take your time.

Please. No big deal. No big rush. I have spectrum after all. Everybody's back at work. So my internet's working pretty fine. Then two more weeks go by. Yes.

We found the problem. I'm getting texts from AT&T. When do you want them to come? Oh, I'm in New York, but maybe on October 29th, which is just past week. I'm finally back from New York. The guy comes and he's like, okay, where do you want your router? I'm like, I already have a router. They came and installed it.

There was just no signal. That's the problem. They said they fixed the signal. The router is already in my house. Wow. You already have the router. Yep. Already have the router.

Already got it all. And he's like, there's no signal. I'm like, yes. Yes. Of course. There's no signal. That was the whole problem. There was no signal on September 4th.

No signal on September 20th. They say they fixed it. They're coming back. Let me guess. You have to call someone who will come back. He's like, yeah, I think I have to call someone and it's like a separate team. I'm like, there's so many separate teams. Call your manager and say what the problem is.

I want to be here to hear it. And he's like, okay, no problem. Call the guy. He's like, yeah, we're not getting a signal to the house. He's like, okay, let me come over and look at it. Then his boss comes over, looks at whether there's a signal or not. Where's the pole? There's the pole.

Oh, there's a terminal. Great. We're much further than we were two months ago. There's no connection. I don't know. There's no connection between the main fiber hub of the city and this pole specifically. I'm like, okay. What do I do now?

Obviously, again, I'm a podcaster and he's like, you know what, I have to call someone else to fix it. I'm like, okay, great. Call someone else. Let me wait another few weeks. He's like, no, no, no, no, these people will come back tomorrow. Really? Tomorrow on a Sunday?

Yeah. They just need to fix it. They'll fix whatever issue there is somewhere in the fucking neighborhood and your router will magically start working. That was yesterday. Internet just doesn't work. Now I don't have anybody coming. I don't have anybody saying that they'll fix it.

There's no communication with AT&T anymore. No signal. No nothing. So now I have an AT&T. Yeah. This is in two days. It'll be the two month mark of when they first said that they would come and they were not prepared for that whatsoever.

And I have an AT&T router under my TV that's just blinking red and I can't turn it off. So maybe one day soon I'll get AT&T fiber and this nightmare can come to an end. But now I'm so mad at AT&T that I'm like, maybe I'll stick with Spectrum who I originally hated just to get back at this other multi-trillion dollar communications company. Right. Because the experience has not been seamless. You can't really imagine that this is going to be a much better system. Right.

So like, I guess, and that's what people say, it's like whatever trillion dollar company you're mad at, you can go to the other one, but they're just as inept or fucked up or messed up is the one you have. The real goat, the real goat was Phaos. That's Verizon Phaos. Verizon Phaos. That was always my shit. That was always my shit.

But now I have Spectrum family. Oh really? And it's so individualized. Like, I bet somebody has a great experience with Spectrum in there and it's never down or somebody had to install a guy from AT&T and it worked instantly because somebody connected their terminal just fortunately. So everyone has their favorite and everyone has their least favorite and they're all good and bad in their own stupid ways.

Yeah, it is interesting because I had Spectrum at my last department and it was great. It was fast. It was reliable. And here in this place, it's not good. It's like, for some reason, my cell phone Wi-Fi will not stay connected. Oh, on your phone, but your computer does? My computer is always pretty fine. TV is fine.

Everything that's connected to the Wi-Fi is fine except for me and Jill's. Both of our phones will sometimes just not load pages even though we're connected to the Wi-Fi. We turn off the Wi-Fi. Everything is fine. And then how's your cell data reception in your house? Cell, like just regular old service? Regular.

Yeah, that's fine. So you almost don't need the Wi-Fi? Yeah, but you know, it's nice to have. And there are devices that connect over Wi-Fi to your phone. Of course. So sometimes I just can't use our thermostat because I need to be connected to a Wi-Fi. And I'll just like, oh, and our ring doorbell Wi-Fi. Having a smart house is kind of stressful.

I want to have a dumb house. I want the fucking doorbell to just do a ding-dong. I just want a ding-dong doorbell analog. And I just want like, I want like a thermostat that you press a button. I want all the lights down. Yeah, like a rotary phone. A dial. Yeah.

I want that six switch. I want the chunky light switch. Yeah. That's what I want. But instead, everything has a goddamn fucking app refrigerator has. Yeah. Why does everyone have... Do you have lights?

Yes. No, I specifically took, I made all the lights dumb. I made all the lights dumb. So you can't be like, okay, Google, turn the lights on in the house or something. No. No. Because it's not worth my time. It's easy to turn on a light switch.

It's harder to command it with your voice. I don't want to just be talking to myself in my house all the time. Yeah. You had an Alexa, right? At the last place, I thought you liked it. Yeah, I do. I still have an Alexa. Every once in a while, I like to ask her to tell me the weather.

And that's just, that's about it. That's really it. Is it raining Alexa? Alexa, help. I don't know whether to take the rain umbrella, Alexa. Buy me an umbrella, Alexa. Alexa. Well, I'd be chilly in a sweater, Alexa.

Okay. So get a dumb house. Yeah. Would you say having a smart house is dumb? Well, I guess in a way, yeah, I would say that because... That's cool. I feel like everybody I know that has a smart house is just like constantly on their phone. And it seems like a lot more effort than just like, you know, not having to do that.

Yeah. It's like, look at this. I can make the lights in this room blue. You're like, okay, that's nice. But why? When will you use that? Yeah. It takes a minute.

It's like, why isn't it connecting? Hold on. It's not doing it. Hold on. It's not doing it. Alexa. Blue. Alexa.

Hold on. I have to restart. All right. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue. I'm blue.

I'm blue. I don't feel like so. Okay. Here's one more question for you. Is cuddling overwhelming? Or actually the cuddling is overwhelming? Yes. From a lady.

Okay. We'll call her Cleopatra, who's famous for cuddling. Interesting. I'm a 25 year old, 24 year old retirement advisor, and I started seeing this guy. I met on a dating app. Okay. Originally, it was just for the hookup, but here we are six months later and we're still seeing each other.

Here's the dilemma. This dude loves to cuddle. I'm talking about laying in bed until noon or even 2pm cuddling. Every day. Sometimes he'll stop playing video games or want to leave the bar early so we can go watch a movie and cuddle somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I love a good post-coitus cuddle. But realistically, we only have 48 hours together every week and this guy seriously wants to spend almost 20 hours of it cuddling. Factor and sexy time and normal stuff. This leaves 22 hours for fun. What's this guy's deal? Is he in love with me or something? I recently moved to this area and I don't have any friends so I really want to make this the most of my weekends. I'm getting a little annoyed that

I'm wasting 42% of my weekend laying in bed. Am I being mean? He always talks about wanting to get up early so we can go for a hike or go out of town for the day. But he never gets out of bed. My shoulders are hurting from him holding me all day. What should I do? This is very funny. TLDR, my man spends too much time cuddling. Wow. I like that she's sort of analyzing it with numbers. I'm down to 42% of my weekend wasted in a cuddle sesh. I can't possibly borrow any more time. She really is a good retirement analyst, I guess. Yeah. She's really meticulously keeping track. So I thought that would appeal to you. Yes, I guess that's more me. Every relationship has someone that meticulously keeps track

of how much percentage of your weekend you wasted cuddling and then the other person just likes to cuddle and doesn't care about that kind of stuff. She mentioned cuddling and watching a movie, which sounds a little bit more like watching a movie. How much can you really cuddle? I can understand that you're not wanting to sit. Your legs are draped over each other, but that's it. Sitting in bed, I remember being in a long distance relationship and there was an element of I just want to hang out in bed and stare at each other. What's your love language? I'm serious. What's your love language? I'd love to talk about this. I would love to talk about that.

Do you want to know? Do you actually want to know? Yeah. It's all of them because you want all of the things all the time. You want acts of service, you want gifts, you want loving language, you want touching. Well, there's what you receive and there's what you give. For me, it's the same for both. I like receiving words of affirmation and I like receiving presents. No, words and service. That's my shit and that's what I like to give as well. I see. What are the other ones other than words and service? Touch, time and gifts. I see. Gifts is a tough one to constantly want to get.

Yeah. Gifts is low for me. Gifts is low. But you can do small gifts. I got you a coffee. I picked you up a keychain. That's cool. I'm sending you a song. I don't know. I feel like it's just a game. But then there's also acts of service. Acts of service overlaps with the gifts a little bit. Yeah. But also acts of service is really, I think, the main one. That's the goat. They're all service. You do acts of service. That's what you do. That's nice. I also think that an act of service is learning to speak someone's love language. So you're giving yourself credit for that one.

If you appreciate, and it's also a gift. That's what I'm saying. If you appreciate gifts, but I don't give gifts, that's not my love language, but I do decide to get you a gift because I know your love language, then actually that's an act of service. I'd appreciate words of affirmation. This is you at a marriage counselor. Because I'm technically giving her a gift every day with my service, which is also a nice word, which she doesn't give me. Yeah. Don't you usually just give the ones that you want to get? I think so. I think so. I like service more than words. I don't need words, really.

Yeah. No, you don't. I need words and I'm also free with the words. I give them out. But some people who don't, it's too willy nilly. Yeah. Because you don't care about words, but I'll give them to you and you don't appreciate them. So it's almost like, what's the fucking point of being nice to all? Every podcast episode, you give me an artificial shit statue. So I wouldn't say you give me words. And I knew you were going to bring that up. And that's a turdy right there. For trying to throw something in my face. It's tacky. It's not fair. It's not fair. Not fair. And I'll actually be taking the golden mic because of my acts of service for the show.

Yeah. You think you do a lot. And you think I do a little. I actually think I give a lot of time and a light touch to this shit. Sometimes a heavy touch. I decide what it needs and I give it what it needs because that's an act of service. And that's my present. You have no love language. You have hate languages for me. You give me acts of disservice and you give me words of disgratitude and then you give me anti-gifts. You give me an anti-gift. The turdy statue. These words are poison. These words are poison. I hope you know that. So what should this lady do? Sort of try to cut down on the cuddling time? How do you say that?

I think there's a world where this kind of like happens on its own. The infatuation starts to wear off, you know? Yeah. But it happens. You can only cuddle for so long. In an LDR, it happens a bit slower. You can say something though. You could just be like, and I don't think you necessarily have to be like, I don't like cuddling. We're doing this too much. But like, you mentioned hikes, then like, you know, take them up on that. Like, you said you want to go on a hike, let's do it. You stand up, you leave. It's hard to like walk away from somebody when they're in the process of cuddling. But I think he can be trained, not unlike a puppy, to just, you know, you get up, go on the hike, let's go, let's get out of

here. We'll cuddle when we get home. And the cuddle time gets shorter and shorter. You can't stay in bed until two. I mean, what kind of, that's too long. It's too long of a cuddle time. Yeah, but I will say your concern is super valid. I think he likes you. I think he likes you. He's definitely falling for you. He might actually, yeah, you don't want to cuddle with someone you don't like. Yeah. All right, let's take another break, come back, answer one last cue on the other side of these words. Noise. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like a she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either away. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device

anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely.

The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your

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licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Hey, hey. All right. One last question. Being, quote, the other guy, end quote. Ah, the other guy. We'll call this guy Will Ferrell, who is the star of a film, The Other Guys. Good. Very good. Did you ever watch that movie? I didn't, frankly. You know, they shot parts of it at the ISE building where we used to work. I recall that. That's a Mark Wahlberg flick. Yeah. So I don't know if anybody wants to watch that film with Jake. Reach out. Maybe he could do like this little act of service, a Zoom group watch, a Netflix watch party. I don't feel like I'm going to have time, but okay. Did you watch

Succession last night? I certainly did. I saw it up. Yes. Obviously a solid up. Yeah. It was, it was, I think that was the definitely the best episode of the season, I would say. Oh, interesting. Did you like, or actually, did you know who that guy was? The security guy who like went up to Kendall and said, like, I know what you are. I know you are something. I did not, but Jill did. And yes, it was very, very good. Yeah. It's, it's like a guy who knew about his thing at the end of season one, right? Yeah. And we actually watched that scene in season one. It's the guy. Exact same guy. Yeah. Who's like in the room with them when Logan tells him what to do. Right. He basically cleaned it up. Wow. So that was that guy going rogue and like threatening

Kendall or was it like a message from Logan to be like, say that to him or something? I feel like I, you know, I'm not sure, but I feel like it was from everything is Logan's pulling all the strings. I feel like, I feel like it's from Logan. And then at the last shot of the episode is Kendall staring at his phone. Do you think he's sort of smiling watching the FBI or was he sort of like watching the Z-Way show and being annoyed? No, I think that was, he was at a low point. He watched the FBI. He's, he realizes that it's this tit for tat test game and that like, he just won a round and he's like built back up because they punched him hard with the letter. He punched his back. The letter was quite a gut punch actually. It's sort of derailed his

entire day. Yeah. I felt like season, episode two was really good and fun to watch, but everything ended exactly where it started. So there was no like, there was no forward movement. It was like, everyone said what they were thinking at the beginning of that episode. They talked in circles for an hour and then at the end it was the exact same. So I was a little upset by that. Not upset, but it was kind of fun to see. It was fun to see all the four kids in the room together. It doesn't, it totally, it does not matter if the show is good or bad because it's always succession and it's a good, that's a good, that's a good actual critique. It doesn't matter if the show is good or bad because it's always succession. I'm just a fan boy. But man,

I cannot lose you. Everyone is so good. Everyone's so goddamn good in that show. I asked Abital when we were watching him, like if Kendall and Shiv just started making out right now, would that ruin the show for you? And she was like, it depends on how they justify it. So like, I think we're all just sort of held captive by succession and they literally can do no wrong. Yeah. I think in like season five we'll start to be annoyed. One thing I don't like that they do is they sometimes like make subtle references to like Logan Roy as Trump and, and I'm just like, that's, he's, can be his own guy. We don't have like, at one point he like yells that it's a witch hunt and like, interesting. I didn't get that. But yeah, the season before that he was like,

I'll tweet and the markets will move. And like, Logan Roy has never been on Twitter before. Like you're just doing a Trump thing. Interesting. Yeah, that's in my head. I wonder if I'll notice it more. You might. All right, being the other guy, Mark Wahlberg or Will Ferrell writes, for a couple months now, I've been seeing my office coworker. Let's just say she's a dime with curves in all the right places. And we seem to click whenever we talk. Neither of us wanted our coworkers to find out. So we've kept it quiet. We'd always meet up my apartment a few times a week. We have fake contacts for each other in our phones and only meet in public coincidentally in groups. I assume she didn't want anyone to find out of because of the office dating rules and

our nosy nosy coworkers spreading drama. But last week we were at my place and I had just finished earning my golden mic. Jesus, she went to the bathroom and left her phone on the nightstand and it lit up with a message from somebody named Ryan. When are you coming home? Dear, I moved it to the other side of the bed and acted as though I hadn't seen it. And I didn't talk about it. And she left without mentioning it. I'm not sure what to do. I can't talk to most of my friends about it because they're mutual coworkers. I feel shitty being the other guy, but I don't want to stop seeing her because I feel like we have a connection. Is there any way that text wasn't from someone that she's dating slash married to? Should I give up something that makes

me happy just because it's the right thing to do? Have either of you guys been the other guy? Thanks for your time. The insight would be greatly appreciated, Toda. Wow. Okay. Do you feel like that? I think that could be like a cute roommate or friend text. Don't you? When are you coming home? Yeah, at the very least, he can justify it to himself. If it helps him sleep at night, you can say, yeah, that was just a gay roommate that she has. I'm not currently splitting up a relationship, so I no longer have to think about it or ask her about it. Yeah. At the very least, I don't think that you can do your own sleuthing to find out you're the other guy and then get your sleuthing. This so far is not on you. It'll be on you if and when she comes clean

and says she's in a relationship. Then you can make the decision, but there's no reason to try to get ahead of something that hasn't happened yet. Yeah. Do you have the moral obligation to find out as though she's cheating on you? Yeah, I don't think you need to. I don't think the moral obligation is on you. Every time you match with somebody on Tinder, do you need to be like, hey, how's it going? Just making sure you don't have a significant other that you're actively trying to cheat on through this app. You have to let people just be in charge of their own lives and as you find out what they're up to, that's when you make your decisions. Well, there's a difference between asking upfront and then also like, I saw a text,

but then you have to sort of implicate yourself by saying that you snooped. Yeah. The relationship isn't serious enough to warrant any kind of snoopage or anything like that. I think you just stay the course, proceed as business as usual, maybe with an ever so slight hint of suspicion so you can seize on the next opportunity if she mentions anything that sounds fishy. You can find some way to get this information out, but I don't think you can be like, do you have a boyfriend named Ryan? I saw the text. Yeah, you could say, what was your longest relationship? When did it end? Have you ever hooked up with a Ryan last night? Sort of little casual things like that. That's good. Yeah. Or

like when you text her, say, when are you going to get to the bar, dear? See if that sparks anything. Sparks any joy. Get it? Like the guy Ryan that texted you last night, what's the deal there? Precisely. Okay, so you're saying you don't have to launch an investigation, proceed as it's been happening? Yeah, and I think you can mentally prepare for the fact that there might be some revelations to come. Maybe you can talk about coming out as a couple and see how she talks or reacts to that. That's interesting. Yeah, it also definitely depends on how you feel about her. If you like the casual work hookup, but you're worried that you're the other guy, I think you don't have to

worry and just keep on the casual work hookup. But if you're trying to get into a serious relationship, then I think Amir's right. You just kind of broach the idea of taking the next step in your relationship and see if any Ryan things come up. And do give us a follow-up pup. We deserve to know the answer to. I would agree. This does necessitate a follow-up pup. What if she was like, you're sleeping on my phone. Ryan is my dad. When are you coming home, dear? And yeah, we hook up occasionally. It does. When are you coming home, dear? Definitely does not sound like you know, a boyfriend or anything. It could easily be a father, a grandfather, or a stylist. It could be a stylist. When are you coming to see me at the salon? This actually does remind me

of unsolicited advice that I have. Oh, I started rewatching Mad Men, which is, you know, wow, an affair based show. It's so good. It's so fucking good. You were saying people should just rewatch Mad Men. Yeah, just rewatch Mad Men. So you're done with new shows. You're like, let me just hop onto a show I watched 10 years ago. I like, I like watching new shows, but usually it's like Jill and I finding new shows. And this past week, I was in LA, I was flying back. I was like scrolling through stuff on the TV and I saw that they had Mad Men. I was like, I'll watch the pilot again. And I was kept hooked. Yeah, I watched three episodes in a row. It's so good. I think I told you this, but I watched every episode of Mad Men, except for the last five that

I was selling, saving for a flight to Australia. And then I just fell asleep and then I never went back to watch it. Now I just have watched every episode, but the last few. You should definitely watch the last few. Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't even remember what the story was at that point. Let's do a Mad Men rewatch podcast. That's cool. Called Mad Women. And we just sort of talk as though we are the female voices of the show. I can be January Jones and you can be Christina Hendricks. And we can just sort of go into stories that happen on set. And it's sort of like an interesting tilt because the show is so masculine for what I was going to say. It's like interesting to hear. So we play January Jones and Christina Hendricks. Yeah, I like this episode.

They were so polite. Oh, I love Roger. Roger is so funny. He's exactly like that. He's the life of every party, et cetera. Whatever, it doesn't fucking matter because it's a podcast. There are no rules. I mean, you're stupid, but that's a really interesting idea for a show. I'm Christina Hendricks. I mean, so you don't even disguise your voice either. No, it's just me. But I, I'm pretending to be the first legal played Joan. Yes. So we call it Mad Women. Yeah. And it's just like the name of the show. I'm Christina Hendricks. I'm January Jones and we're going to be rewatching episodes with you guys. First up is this first episode and I liked it. Right. Being on set was fun that week. Oh, January, here's your debut. Here it comes. Wow. Thank you.

So I remember shooting this scene. Do you remember this outfit, Jan? Yeah, I was wearing it. I put on a dress and I just said my lines. Would anyone, would anyone fucking notice? Would anyone sue? And if it was so popular, could they sue or would the wheels be in motion to the point where we could say it was parody or it was liable or it was slander? So what, and then we don't get a cease and desist. We just get a desist because January and Christina are going to enter and take over the feed. We actually get a cease and insist. So they'll take over the feed themselves and insist that they become the host. That'd be cool. I could see that working. Okay. Let's put a pin in that idea. Yeah. And if anybody has Jake and Amir clear, you actually have

pretty interesting access to the rough cut of that first episode. Right. To the brainstorming of it, which we're going to get into now, but we'll end this podcast. Yes, this podcast as you hearing it now is over. Thank you for listening. Thank you for submitting your theme songs and your questions. It's a fire you show at gmail.com. And for more of us, not Jake and Amir clear, but we do have a Patreon for $4.99 a month. You can watch hundreds of videos. We're doing Jake and Amir rewatches lonely and horny is on there. My speech at your freaking wedding is on there. Correct. In all time. I'm serious. In all time. And you know what? It's November 1st. So you get billed monthly for this stuff. So now is the best time to hop on the Patreon train because you'll

get a full month for that $4.99. Correct. So yeah, check it out. And the opening theme song was that Alanis Morsi. Remember by Andrew? Loved it. This closing one is by Matthew who said, I've been following you guys since Monopoly and I just saw the head gum live show and it finally motivated me to throw my hat into the intro ring. Here's my terrible rendition of the full house theme song. No sound cloud to promote, but feel free to plug my Instagram the matster of none. Good. Instead of master of none. It's matster. Exactly. Where I make various arts and crafts. Oh my God. Another multi hyphen. It woodworking, photo editing, graphic design, animation. I can do all that shit too, dude. You cannot. You cannot. Woodworking. That's the hardest one.

The hardest one. You can't do it. Never held a saw. You've never held a piece of wood, frankly. Which is funny because I resemble a woodland creature, but I'm afraid of trees if you can believe it. I can't. Okay. Thank you, Matt. And thank you to Andrew and thanks to you guys for listening and we'll be back next week. Ciao everybody. Peace. Three, two, one. What ever happened to seizing the cheese? Surgeman, the gameboy, a mere attorney's. You miss John Wolf and friends. Waiting for a ton of men. If I were your show, a podcast show, there is Jake and the golden mic to who? If I were your show, a podcast show, there's a mere one coin dude. If I were your show, yeah, when you need advice and you're all alone, these two

paths will help you along. If I were your show, that was a hit gum original.