If I Were You - 514: Breakfast Smoothie (w/Negin Farsad!)

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Friend and fellow Headgum podcaster Negin Farsad joins us to discuss roommates, uncles, and her show, "Fake the Nation!"See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. It's a foregone conclusion. Born for it five hundred times. The chip monkey will complain That I wrote this in the theme song. And for that the turdy is his to own. Cause it broke up the flow Of the podcast show.

Wow, Mark Berman. Wow. Can you believe that? Mark Berman. No shit. I knew a guy growing up named Mark Berman. But I bet it wasn't the same guy. Yeah.

Cause I think Mark's like a bouncer now. Bouncers never sing. That's the most famous thing about bouncers. Yeah. Everybody knows that. On artistic bone in their body. He was really artistic. You know what?

I think I'm ready to call out all bouncers. Yeah. You implied that heavily with your statement. Nagin Farzad. How the heck are you? How'd you like that theme song? Oh my gosh. You know what?

First of all, I love this feature of your podcast. And I also, what I love about that, this particular one is, I thought the Phoebe Bridgers was a really out of left field person to parody. You know? Cause I feel like a lot of the songs that come in are a little bit more just like very, very like mainstream bangers that we all recognize easily.

And so to have this felt like, I don't know. It had a certain Genese Qua. That's right. High degree of difficulty. I should also just mention, just to make myself seem really cool that I've met Phoebe Bridgers. That is cool. And she's like utterly delightful.

Yeah. Isn't Phoebe, Phoebe's great, right? Yeah. Have you ever met her? Because you're calling her by the first name. I've never met her, but doesn't it? No. Yeah.

It sort of sounds like I did when I say, like, oh, I love Phoebe. It was just great, right? Yeah. Totally. No, I haven't met her, but she seems awesome. And to make me sound less cool, I thought Phoebe Bridgers was the Fleabag actor and creator up until a few weeks ago. Phoebe Waller, Bridges.

Yes. I thought they were the same person until very, very recently. And you know, as did I. Yeah. As did I. I mean, you and I probably found out around the same time when she covered the Bo Burnham song. Yes, exactly.

No, I think that's a common mistake. And there was a moment where I thought it myself, but then I thought, that's crazy. Why would everyone be saying their names differently? You know, because they are different, like a different set of words. Right. Like, oh, is this like a diminutive version of Phoebe Waller's bridge? You know, yeah. Waller Bridge, which I always have a, a hang up about if I'm saying all of her names correctly.

But, um, yeah, no, I, so I think that was, that was coming from me. But then I solved that in just like a minute by Googling it. That's cool. Yeah. No, that's for sure. That's for sure. That's why you have a smart podcast and we're just sort of to dumb, dumb asses. No, I was just going to say that's why you guys are dumb asses.

I would thank you. I was just going to say that. That's good. People love it when the, because guests usually are very polite. It's nice that we already have the rapport that you can razz us like that. Tread lightly because it's been a pretty brutal morning for me personally. What happened? I ended up stubbing my toe a few times actually, which is, what do you mean a few times?

Oh, is it on the same area? Like was it in the same piece of furniture or whatever? Several stubs, same toe, same furniture. Once during a reenactment of my dumb assery. The third time wasn't the charm. I think, I think I'm broken as a man and as a foot. Wait, is it a piece of furniture that you do this to a lot and that you keep saying we need to move this or whatever, but then you don't?

Every, yeah, every furniture is stubble in my eyes. So there's a coffee table. There's invariably going to be a leg there, right? A bed, a classic one. I mean, it's not, I don't have a box spring on the ground. I have a wooden frame and that's stubble as well. It's all stubble and I take advantage of that and it hurts. And you know, you try to be like a strong man when it happens.

And it's just like, but at a certain point you do have to fall to the ground and say, ah, and you're sort of laughing to yourself and it really did frickin kill. Yeah. Was it like a high-pitched squeal? Yeah, it was. Well, I don't really know because I browned out. So I couldn't, could you rise on the floor squealing like a little piggy? Yeah.

That was like a pig meat sloth. I feel like that was a good, yeah, like a hybrid. That's how I walk now too. So Nagin, you are a host of a headgum podcast. If anybody out there doesn't know yet, it's called Fake the Nation. That's right. What's the elevator pitch? What's the quick log line?

I mean, it's me and like a rotating cast of comedians and we basically could, we basically could watch about the news and culture every week. And it'll, it's just really fun people like, you know, we've had on like Margaret Cho and Neil deGrasse Tyson and Samantha Bee and, you know, heavy hitters. We've even had on a former presidential candidate, Julian Castro, but he's not a comedian. But you know what? He can hang with comedians and that's the main.

And then we've also had Amir on the show. Yes. I was going to say in terms of heavy hitters, there was Cho, there was me, there was DeGrasse and there was Castro. That's right. That's right. That's the Mount Rushmore of Fake the Nation. I wanted to save you for last cause you're the like heaviest of the hitters.

Yes. Yeah. I'm a headliner. And you're, you're running. I was waiting way closer to the election cycle to announce that because like in this like new climate, this cultural climate, it's sort of here today gone tomorrow. So like by the time I announce something today, like I will be gone and out of the news irrelevant and stupid by Tuesday.

You got to let Andrew Yang's new book sort of fall off the, you know, best seller list and then you can start thinking about your investment. Yes. Exactly. It's all, it's the hashtag trending economy. Are you familiar with Web 3.0, Nikki? No. What is that?

That's your platform, right? Yeah. It's something I'm trying to sort of popularize slash latch onto with regards to. Is it like meta? Metaverse. Oh yeah. There it is. Metaverse related adjacent augmented reality meets virtual reality.

You stubbed your toe wearing the Oculus. And I wouldn't hang out in the metaverse. Yes. And that pain wouldn't exist in the metaverse. That's the beautiful part. Everybody's completely legless like that character from what is it? Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings? Legless.

Oh wait. Legless? Yeah. Legless. I was thinking of Theon who's like penisless. Oh is he? Yeah. Right.

Greyjoy? Yeah. That's correct. He's a eunuch. He was castrated. I believe he was castrated. Yes. He was castrated by what's his face?

Ramsey Poulton. Or maybe just the tip. I don't know. It was a circumcision episode. He went a whole hog because he mailed it. No. He mailed it to his... Well, mailed it.

There wasn't really mail in Game of Thrones. It was e-mail. He ravened it. Yeah. It was ravened to Theon's sister. Oh that's right. I forgot about that. Yes.

Yes. No spoilers. I am only on episode two of The Sopranos, so I'm working my way through HBO's... Catalog. Liturgy as they say. Yeah. You're in store for some really great torture. I'm excited.

I'm excited. Yeah. It's really fun. Actually, the only show I ever watch is Succession, so I can't actually talk with any knowledge about any other television. Did you watch last night's episode? I did. Thank you for asking.

Nicky, do you watch that show? I mean, absolutely. And I cannot stop thinking about the number of shirts and jackets that were worn by one Adrian Brody on last night's episode. He looked like he was putting on new layers between each shirt. I mean, I was like, did it grow? Yeah. Did the number of shirts grow?

He just added a scarf? What is happening? It just kept appearing. And he was always... Yeah. It was always so funny. It's just a little bit further ahead. I'm going to run ahead.

It's like, all right, you already said that. Are you running ahead or are you lost, dude? He keeps saying they're right here. It's going to happen. Like, are they there or not? It was so... And it's so embarrassing when you're on your Hamptons property and you get lost in your own beach maze.

It's so embarrassing. And we've all been there. So I totally... He was sort of trying to hide under his many performance fleece. Yes. What about the crab lunch that he had airlifted in and they didn't touch? They served them and they're like, all right, well, let's go. And then they all got lost.

Okay. My favorite part was... I liked when Kendall showed... When you go to any of your friends' new houses or even apartment or whatever, you see it and you're like, oh, this place is so nice. Kendall was at this insane mansion and he just goes, yeah, nice place. So unaffected by, yeah, a guy's private island. Somebody found that house on Zillow and posted it on Twitter.

It was recently put on the market for 49 million, but eventually it didn't sell. So the owner kept it. Is it in the Hamptons? Yeah. It's somewhere in Long Island. Okay. And it did not sell. Interesting.

It's tough because the current COVID economy, like 49 millions a lot for some people. I'm going to take a look. I'm going to take a look at it. I didn't realize it. Yes. I'll send you the listing. Yeah, please send me the listing. You could low ball them.

I do have a headgum podcast. So... That's right. We're all getting a Hamptons. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. You only have to put like what 12 million down on something. But can I just say something about all like the weird thing about that level of wealth

is that they want to just be on a private island in a house on many acres that's so private and they want to be on private jets. It's just like being sequestered away from people. And I just kind of think my hot take on wealth at that level is that it sounds boring and like very lonely. I don't want to be alone all the time. It just sounds shitty. Well, can you also be rich in Manhattan?

Yeah, that'd be better. To be alone and surrounded by people that kind of work for you too, like how many people did it take to steam all those clams? You're just like surrounded by not your friends. They didn't even touch them. They did not touch the clams. Right. Like who's going to tell you to your face that you're a dumb ass if you're not...

Yeah, nobody. Exactly. Okay, one last thing because this isn't a succession pod, but my favorite part of last night's episode. I think transformations. Yeah, we could pivot entirely and that would be fine by me. They didn't have to write this in at all, but just the fact that Kendall's kids called FaceTime them to see the rabbit.

It was just happening in the background of a scene that had nothing to do with it. It was just like show them the bunny. Bunny cam, bunny cam. Yeah, like an assistant holding a fucking iPad to a rabbit. And it turns out she's wearing like a power suit and she's wearing heels. You know what she's crouching down to this bunny and she's like putting on that face you put on with kids where you're like smiling really, really hard and like trying to make it all look exciting.

I was just like, oh god. What's Kendall's assistant, the rabbit assistant getting paid? Probably good money, right? Yeah, she makes as much as Greg. Oh yeah. Greg had an all time episode. Sometimes I feel like Greg is like only there to be funny and it's like trying too hard, but I feel like this was very good funny, Greg.

Yeah. The scene with him and Logan. He's so out of his element. Oh my god. Later with Tom when he wanted to wrestle. And just the like intensity with, like the surety of ordering a rum and coke at like 9.30 in the morning. That was really like bold and then also like Logan screaming to his assistant like, yet

Greg, a can of Coca Cola. It was just like I have never, Coca Cola sort of like leapt out of the screen and punched me in the face. It was the whole thing felt that intense. So good. So good. I highly recommend it. Jake and I were kind of probably the earliest watchers of it.

So I feel like kind of responsible for its success, its growth and a lot of the fees. I watched it at the end of season one. I watched it in real time at the premiere of episode one, season one. Wow. I had a sixth sense about this show. You did. You were right. You know, I see Kieran Culkin was one of the playground dads like with my kid.

You know, the brilliant Roman on that show. And all I can say about him being a playground dad is that he's quite delightful. That's awesome. No shit. That's great to hear. Yeah. I wish I could say something gossipy. Great.

I know. Kieran's great. He has a lovely wife and a child. Sorry, do you know Jake? Do you know him? I haven't met Kieran. I haven't met Kieran, but I'm saying he's great. He's a really nice guy.

Yeah. I mean, I just want to make sure that we go through the list of celebrities that I've met in this podcast. So like we've crossed off two already. So if we could just keep going. That's really cool. Plus. Yeah.

Plus he said I was on the show too. Oh, that's right. That's right. Kind of counts as well. Celebrity wise. Wasn't it over zoom? Anyway, this is a fire you an advice podcast. After all, these are people not unlike Kendall in really sticky situations.

High stakes at that high stakes for them at least. And we do our best to advise them out of them. Again, we need a fake name because this is a 25 year old gal from Boston and we don't want to out her with her true identity. Yeah. Oh, Tilda Middington. That's really good. Tilda Middington.

Yeah. Is a 25 year old gal from Boston who has three roommates. Okay. We're talking about that three roommates all 25 to 26. And one of the roommates and I recently got into a disagreement about breakfast smoothies. That's right. I have to wake up at 6 a.m. for work and casually mentioned to her how I really wanted a smoothie for breakfast one morning, but couldn't use the other roommate's bedroom because it's

off or I couldn't make it because one of our roommates bedroom is off the kitchen and I didn't want to wake her up. My roommate scoffed and said the kitchen is a community space and that I have every right to make a smoothie in the morning without our third roommate getting mad because that's quote part of living with roommates. I disagreed and viewed as part of living with roommates is not being able to make a smoothie in the morning. For context, our third roommate works until 11 p.m. and usually isn't home until after

midnight, so she wakes up much later than six. Am I right for thinking it's common sense to not wake up other people in the apartment or is she right in thinking that living with roommates means you get to have occasionally woken up earlier than you want? Thank you. Love, Tilda. Ooh, that hashtag roommate life. When was the last time you lived with two to three roommates, Nagin?

Did you ever live with two to three roommates? I've never lived alone. I lived with roommates, roommates, roommates until... You would love it. You would love it. I loved having roommates and I then met my now husband and we moved in and so I've literally never lived alone. Interesting.

I enjoyed living with... I enjoyed roommate life. I thought it was fun. I think there's two things going on with roommate life. One is you have to be conscious of people and the noise and all of that stuff. I think it's really thoughtful that that roommate didn't make a smoothie because it was too early in the morning. I think that's very thoughtful.

Also, from the point of view of the roommate who was sleeping in the adjacent room, I think you also have to be cool with sometimes your roommates are going to make noise at six o'clock in the morning and you have to be cool with it until both things are true. Be thoughtful when you can, but also be cool about stuff that's annoying when you can. Then you become a successful roommate as I was for many years. I'm anointing myself a successful roommate. You'd have to ask my roommates if that's true. Best roommate ever.

I was really just the most wonderful roommate. Are you very like, let's keep everything organized. Let's have a cleaning calendar, that kind of roommate. Are you like, let's just do whatever we want. We'll figure it out, carefree stuff. I mean, I was just like, let's all be reasonable. Let's just keep the kitchen and living room pretty decent looking and let's just be reasonable. That only works when everybody is reasonable though.

I guess you had reasonable roommates. I did. I think you have to, that the selection process, I feel like is also a big deal. It's important. Because you sense that you're, the one time I misfired on the selection, I had this Canadian roommate who, first of all, red flag numero uno. Disgusting. Literally a red flag.

That's the kind of stuff I bring to make the press actually. That's really good. Jake would never think of that because he's like, he's not, sorry, talking about you, like you're not here, but you're not smart in like that or anyway. You're interrupting. When I said, do you get what that means? In a pun away. No, please.

It's insult. Literally a red flag. Like Jake, try not to like explain it to him. Like, do you get what that means? I'm serious. Did you get it, Jake? Explain it. Do you get it?

Because I knew the game got it. I resent being asked. Yes, of course I get it. I said it was good. And that actually immediately went to your head. And then you made Nageen stop telling her story. Because yeah, use this one nice moment to try to. It takes one level of intellect to get that joke and like to make it is just like off the

charts. Awesome. I don't know if it was Nageen or me that made it. It was a quick joke, but the amount of attention you're giving it. Right. It sort of undermines how funny it was in the moment. Totally. Yeah.

I do want to point out that you can reuse that joke in the future. If someone said the same thing, but was talking about Japan. That's good. So then you can go ahead and. China. Yeah, yeah, China. There you go. There's this joke just I'm saying keep it in your pocket because it will come up again

for you. Denmark is another one, Jake. I don't know if you know, but there's this country. I mean, the US, we have red on our flag. Canada is red and white. So it's not like. I mean, I think that we're talking about dominant colors. You cannot say it about America.

You really can't. You really cannot. You really cannot. That's absurd. Actually, I'm embarrassed. That's why I'll cut that. Actually, I'll leave it in. I will leave it in.

Because people didn't hear that. The joke wasn't that good. It wasn't. It wasn't that good. Actually, let me raise a white flag and surrender, a.k.a. the flag of, I don't know, um, fucking quater some shit. I really don't know flags that well. Now like you have me backpedaling on my own smart joke.

You were like, you were like, you were like listing countries that have red flags and now suddenly you don't know flags that well. I only I'm pulling up the freaking wiki page for it and I can't really find one. That's mostly white, unfortunately. Okay. You've derailed the show. Yeah. Canadian remake.

This is a pivot that this podcast is now about flags and I've been waiting for you guys to make this announcement. Um, so, so she's a Canadian and, uh, she's a, she was a dancer, you know, moving to the big city to follow her dreams of dancing and, um, and she was just like weirdly into violent dudes, like not anyone that was like, just like, she'd be like, yeah, I met this guy, Robert, we're gonna, we're dating now and he owns a gun. You know, like she's always come home with stories that I was like, that's uncomfortable. You know what I mean?

And like, I was out with this guy, Steve, and this other guy said something about how my dress looked nice and Steve punched that guy in the face. It was awesome. Whoa. And I was like, you are very into the violence of these gentlemen. Um, It sounds like an American to me in disguise. I mean, right?

And I was, I, she once then brought home a dude and his gun, like they both came home and, uh, and I was like, listen, I just, I didn't know that I had to clarify this would be a gun free apartment. Yeah. You know, you just want to make sure. Yeah. I assumed it. And that was my bad, right?

And so then Yeah, that's a baseline. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have to say that kind of put it out there on, uh, on the post. Um, So would you be the kind of roommate that did the smoothie at six AM or would you be the

kind of roommate that didn't get offended when other people made a smoothie or how would you react to smoothie gate? I'm, I'm first of all, not that bothered by noises like that. So I think I would be unbothered. I think I would maybe occasionally make the smoothie and then, and then occasionally not. So I wouldn't make it something that they had to dread that was going to happen every morning, but they would have to live in fear of days that it might happen.

Yeah. Smoothies are so loud, especially in an empty, like quiet house. Like we really should have been, we should have silent blenders by now, I would think. Oh yeah. We have silent toilet flushes. You can get, you can get one of those like Starbucks things where they, you know, they have like a big plastic cover that goes over the blender. Yeah.

A blender silencer of sorts. Yeah. I really want the smoothie maker, the blender itself to be quiet. All right. Wait. So here's my, I think Nagina's right. Both, both things are correct here. You, you're, you're right that you, it's your job not to like wake up your roommates, but

too, I don't think that making a smoothie is that disruptive. Like it's only a couple less than a minute. That's true. It's not like you're going to wake up and start like gaming or listening to music or whatever. I think like sustained noise is disrespectful, but if you wake up and need to make yourself breakfast, like what are you not going to grind coffee beans? Where does it stop people?

I can't grind an egg either. The sizzling of a bacon is also too loud and up is enough. During the pandemic, when Jill was on like work zooms in the kitchen and I wanted to make a smoothie for lunch, I would just take the blender into the bathroom. I took it out on the porch one time. You know, that's portable. You can plug that in anywhere. There's an outlet.

You can make a smoothie in your room. You put everything you need to in the blender. Under a pillow. Jake, this is a really excellent point. Let's break free of the hegemony of the kitchen is what you're saying. That's right. Yes. Yes.

Break free. I like that. I like that. That's thinking outside the box. That's like a real roommate's solution, which is short for solution. So make the smoothie, but potentially bring it into your room. I mean, or you can almost like coarsely chop this stuff yourself. If you want to be really quiet, you can hand smooth it.

Also, another solution is if you've ever lived with voiceover artists, they have, they buy those like foam booths, you know, so they can do their soundproof voiceover. Or a podcaster. Take or podcaster. I mean, although I think we're a little more, you know, fuck you to like sound, you know, sound impurities. Yeah. We don't have to be as pure as a VO artist.

Yeah. I'm not doing, you know, a Frito lay voiceover commercial. Oh, God. And at this setup. I would love to. Don't get me wrong. And if anybody's listening, I want to get into that world because I do think I have a pretty interesting voice with regards to branded content and making deals.

Fritos. I only mentioned Fritos because I have done a Frito lays voiceover. Wow. That's cool. Yeah. A couple of years ago. I was the voice of several potato chip flavors, but. Did you meet the Pringles guy?

Don't talk to me about that fucking guy. Wow. Did you date Captain Crunch? We don't do snack crossover like that. We don't. We keep it. We keep it within, you know, the genre. It's kind of frowned upon.

Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of gross. Yeah. All right, sweet. Let's take a let's take a break and come back and answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Thank you to Helix sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah.

Right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't sleep for the better part of it. Excuse me. I do not. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it.

I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great. Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows.

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Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four-week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Hey, Nagin. Do you have any?

Disgusting. Foul. Unnecessary. And uncuse. Yeah. But do you have any unsolicited advice? So, okay, I actually, I have three unsolicited advice if they're, if, you know, so if one of them you feel like is just like garbage and not very good, then I could do the next

one. Oh, gone yet. Sort of lightning round style. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So here we go. So the, my first one is that I think that I, so I have a two and a half year old and

I'm around a lot of parents who, who do not let their kids, um, watch TV like at all. No screens. No screens. I mean, so no screens. I, I, I sort of huge TV differently from cell phones, like putting on a cartoon. I find is like, I was essentially raised by a television. I watched TV all the time as a child, uh, and, um, and then there were two parents involved as well, but mostly television.

And I, uh, I, I found that I do, so I, I sort of have been just ashamed that I actually do let my kid watch some TV and I kind of keep it quiet. But I also just realized recently that she knows like basically the whole alphabet and all of her shapes and all this and all that. I mean, she's in school as well too. But honestly, she's only started school in September. She's known a lot of this stuff, I think, from educational TV. So I, my big piece of advice for all the people who are like, no screens, I think you should

just let your kids watch some TV. That's good. I like that. I think we went too far because I mean, I'm also like down for the general idea of not watching TV, but then when I have to like babysit a four year old for like an hour and a half and the only thing that gets them to stop being crazy is a screen, I understand the inclination to just say, fuck it. Here's Sesame Street.

This is much better than me doing another puzzle with you. Enough is enough. And like, I was watching Frozen with like some of Jill's cousins and it's awesome. You know, like I could fuck around with watching TV. That seems, as long as like I like it too. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't like Daniel Tiger like as a form of entertainment, like I'd rather

watch succession, but it's like Daniel Tiger literally talks about going to the potty, which we're like in a big poop in the potty phase right now. And yeah, that's where you have to do it. He's truly, I mean, I've been trying to like really tell her that. And Daniel Tiger's been telling her that too. And it's like starting to get, you know, and she'll literally be like, you know, poop in the potty like Daniel Tiger. But also she speaks three languages and it's a great way of like keeping up three languages

is like just TV. So if you have like bilingual kids or tri-lingual kids or whatever, I also highly recommend it because it makes other languages sound just more fun to them. That's cool. Damn. I always find it fascinating that like, if I had a child and I moved to like Denmark, that kid would be Danish, like the country's strength would override me. He would know Danish more than English.

And I would be like the weird person in his life that speaks English and barely understands Danish. Like just by merely moving to this country, he will become a Danish man, a Danish. It seems like he would stay what I am an American, but that's not how it works. He would be ashamed of you. Yes. I would be an embarrassing and American man all because I moved to fucking Denmark for him.

He'd have no respect for you in the end. Yes. Whether I moved to Denmark or not. And then he would probably like divorce you as a father. And then you'd be like your relationship would crumble entirely. Basically, when you have a child. He would be emancipated for sure. When you have a child, you can choose its nationality.

I can move anywhere in the world and that child will be that thing. What power? Of a country? I mean, yeah, that's all. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.

That was a good one. You're just one loser that stubs your toes at a time. That was a joke. I stubbed it twice. Second I barely heard. The same object on the same object. Yeah. It was a goof.

It was funny. Okay. What's unsolicited to watch more TV is a good one. What else? We got specifically kids should watch more TV just to be whatever. Yeah. I'm a child. We got the right take away.

The other one is I have like been on a big supplements bandwagon of like take all these supplements that would like to like feel better and be energized and like never age and all that stuff. And then recently I just stopped taking all the supplements and that was fine and it was fine. And so maybe so it's possible that one of my pieces of unsolicited advice is like, you know, just stop taking supplements and see what happens because I think are you guys on a supplements bandwagon?

I feel like everyone I know is on a supplements bandwagon right now. No, I don't, I don't take any supplements. I wait. Actually, I did. I over the summer I was using creatine to go to the gym. Oh, okay. Right. Right.

Mass gains. Yeah. Were you ripped? Were you jacked? I got, I put some bulk on it really and it gave you more, it gives you more energy to work out. It felt good. Did it, did it stay after you stopped taking it?

Okay. Yeah, it did. Wow. So you just have to take it and then it just continue. I thought the whole fear is that you, you have to keep taking it. Otherwise it goes away. Yeah. I think you kind of do.

One six weeks on, six weeks off and yeah, it's not that hard. Okay. Oh, have you been doing that? I'm kind of yo. Cycles. Yeah. This is, I was just on my third cycle just finished one. All right.

There you have it. So yeah, supplement. Supplements. Well, Nagin's is to not supplement. Just stop. Don't supplement. Yeah. Unless it's creatine.

It's hard to say what's useful and what's not. If you're stressed out that you have to remember to take supplements every day and you think these supplements are like making a big difference and you're like, Oh, my supplements, I forgot my supplements. I got to try. You know, I was like in that space. Yeah. My, my piece of advice is just stop all of it.

What about vitamins or vitamin supplements? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just tell them I shouldn't be taking vitamin D. The most important one. Um, well, I guess Dr. Joe Rogan has also talked a lot about vitamin D being the most important. Yeah.

And my actual doctor has also sung the benefits of vitamin D. So I'm going to go ahead and say as your personal podcast doctor, you can carve that one out and keep it going. My doctor told me that vitamin D didn't matter. Interesting. My doctor was like everyone's, everyone has low vitamin D because no one goes outside anymore. Right. It's kind of fine.

But then shouldn't you then take it as a supplement? Take it as a vitamin. But also go outside. Yeah. That's, that was, that's what I did instead. Yeah. Spent more time with them. My brother who was a doctor has said that he thinks, um, yeah, that we, we're all, we

all suffer from vitamin D deficiency and that Americans have gone overboard with like not being in the sun. Like they should just be in the sun a little bit, but then it's not good for your skin. I mean, in us, in small doses is just fine. It's like fine. That's good. Yeah. Then what about the whole putting your genitalia in the sun?

Have you heard about that little phenomenon? What? Put your ass, yeah. What? Put your ass to the sun for maximum vitamin D exposure. Are you serious? I find it immature. I find it unnecessary and to do that in public.

It enters through the anus and it enters through the scrotum of the lady. Wait. Yeah. Vitamin D. This is a joke, right? Through your ass. No. I think that's true.

Vitamin D absorption. Um. I did not realize there was more, um, absorption through the assular absorption. Uranium sunning and a mere 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole, you'll receive whatever extra vitamin D than you would other to drink it up. Oh my God. That's insane. Yeah.

I guess because there's lots of grooves and wrinkles and it's an area that doesn't get sun ever. You can actually. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to say it doesn't ring true. That's a good point. Yeah.

It seems like a good funnel for the sun. Yes. It's a good funnel. You can butchug vitamin D from the fucking Apollo. You also butchug Sunny D. Okay. Okay. Let's hear the third one.

I mean, so far I feel like you're two for two. Watch fucking TV and get rid of your vitamins. What else do you have? Yeah. Fries are good for you. This is, I feel like, I feel like my tears are terrible. Um, okay. And then my last one is, so I had, I was just being interviewed, um, like project, like

by, by production for this like show that, that is, uh, that we're doing and they were trying to figure out some stuff from my background and they were asking me like if I have any weird habits or like any weird stories for my life or whatever. And I felt inadequate. Like I have, like I've led an uninteresting life and I was like, and then after I got off the phone, I was like, no, I've totally led an interesting life. Like, and I started remembering a couple of things and I, and I wrote them down. And then I was like, Oh, I, from now on, I should sit down and write every interesting

thing that's ever happened to me. And from now on, whenever something interesting happens, I should write it down because I don't want to seem like I've led an uninteresting life. Okay. Now I understand what kind of roommate you are. Uh, you said more than enough, write down the interesting things that happen to you so that you remember them and feel like you led a more interesting life. Yeah.

I get it. That's nice. No, I mean, because also, like, you know, you forget these little things and there's no, you know, and your, your brain gets so overloaded with inputs from just life being like an annoying drag and like taking the kids to school and all that junk, you know, that you forget that, like, you know, uh, one time you were, you know, you were butt chugging the sun one time on the Inca trail on your way to Chile, you know what I mean? You forget stuff like that.

And so you want to like just notate those things, um, so that you could look back. It's, I mean, essentially I'm talking about journaling, I suppose, but it's more specific than journaling. It's like specifically remember, you know, making sure that you remember to celebrate your interestingness. Uh, yeah, some conversation came up at a party about a couple, like writing down a list of like everybody they've, you know, either slept with or kissed or whatever. And it's like just coming up like, Oh wow, I forgot about that one random night, like

creates funny stories that your, your other doesn't necessarily know about. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, I'm a standup comic and I see comedians, you know, are using stuff from their lives and then they'll say something about a memory and it'll, I'll remember that I have a, you know, I have some memory memory in the genre of teenage hood or whatever it is. And, you know, and it's all like about just being able to pull something from your own life.

And you, and it's crazy how little it's in your active memory, your own life is not in your active memory. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, like your child is two and a half, like even in five more years, like there'll be almost eight and like how many memories do you have before the age of eight? Like this seems like such a huge part of your life as an adult is raising this child from zero to eight.

And like they will remember four things from that entire era. And my parents did such a terrible job of remembering anything of my childhood. I've asked them so many questions. When did I learn how to read? Like what was school like? Did I go to, you know, 3K and 4K? Like none of them, they don't remember none of it. And so part of it is I feel terrible.

Like I don't want my kid to grow up and have all these questions about her childhood. And then me also not have any knowledge of her childhood. Yeah. So, I mean, iPhones help like, oh, where were you on that day? Oh, let me look at the phones and videos now that I can have this record in the cloud of what happened. True. Your parents never had like a baby book?

My parents had baby books for all of us. Oh, my parents know. Like I can go through my baby book and I see little photos and like and read stories about me and my first words and stuff. Yeah. But like... Immigrants don't do baby books. I see.

My parents are immigrants as well. They didn't... There's no Ameer Blumenfeld baby book. There's old photo albums. I don't know if there's a dedicated one to just me. Oh, yeah. No, no. Baby book is different.

It's like a diary for the baby. Baby needs a book. And when adult gets sad, he likes to see the baby book because he's a baby sometimes. That's funny. That's really funny. That's rich. That's really something else. What's the earliest video of you?

Like right now, there's videos of babies instantly, high-def cinema mode, amazing high-quality videos of babies. But like the first video of me is what? As a five-year-old on a VHS tape that may be lost forever? Oh, it's so depressing. I don't even know because my parents, again, my parents were not at all about documenting any part of my childhood. So I feel like the first video of me was me in middle school because I begged my parents

to get a video camera so that I can make little videos. So I think that's the first video of me. Yeah. Or no, you know what? I think it had not a VH. I had like a little baby tape. Yeah, mini DV. I don't know what those were.

I think that's what it was. Yeah, mini DVs. Yeah. Classic. Okay. So just to recap. Kids should watch TV, stop taking your vitamins, and write down interesting shit or you'll forget it and be sad today.

Perfect. Yeah. Thus, I mean, three for three as far as I'm concerned, I feel like we knocked all three out of the park. Yeah. Yeah. In the retelling, I feel slightly ridiculous, although when I was thinking of them, I felt like they sounded so great.

Yes. No, that's correct. Yeah. When you say them all back to back, like when I dispense all my wisdom in a list, it's not going to sound very good. Right. I'm sure when I come up with it, I'm going to feel like a gosh darn genius about it. Okay.

Let's take one more break and then we'll answer more questions. I promise. I promise. Yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow.

That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame.

How we told Jill's grandma, she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. It's on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right.

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try.

It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional, licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. All right, we're back. One last question from a 23-year-old PhD school student at West Virginia University.

Okay. So, Nagin, do you have a fake name to refer to this man as? A PhD student at West Virginia University. That's right. Oh, right. So, Kylie Minerhouse. Very good, Kylie Minerhouse, right. From a Minerhouse.

I'm a 23-year-old guy attending a PhD school at West Virginia and I adopted a cat about a week ago. She had a seizure the first day. I adopted her and she needs medication every 12 hours for four weeks. And that's not even the sad part. My girlfriend's uncle has stage four bone and brain cancer and she's going to visit him next week. She wants me to go to Northern Michigan with her and her mom for nine days because she

doesn't want to be alone. Frankly, I can't miss a week of school and research. One of my bosses already voiced concern about me being out too much to visit my girlfriend because she was gone for a week for her birthday in October already. And on top of that, I'm new here and I don't know anyone who can cat sit, which now entails a medicine and a constant check-in to make sure she isn't having a seizure. By the way, I can't bring the cat because her mom is allergic as fuck. So am I a bad person for wanting to stay and take care of my cat?

Should I be more considerate and do anything possible for her? She's said to me, if your family member was dying, I'd drop anything and be there for you. But it's not quite that simple. Your wisdom would be greatly appreciated. And I promise to do a follow-up pup. Thank you. Kylie, Kyler, Kylie.

Wait. Kylie Minerhouse. Kylie Minerhouse. By the way, I believe that Kylie is a gender neutral name, but I also didn't know this was a man. Yeah, yeah, it's a man now. But so wait, what year, you said what year they were in the PhD program? He's a 23-year-old.

In a PhD program. That's right. Pretty early on into the PhD program. Pretty early in the PhD, unless they're like a doogie-houser type, in which case they're really well into it. Yeah, right. That's how you get into it. So this is a tough one because I see how logistically difficult it is.

Significant other funeral is always a very difficult situation because it's like, do you go and then it's like, if the significant other is going, then it's like, does it extend out to here? Like how close were they? How obligated are you close to them? There's lots of variables to determine whether you should be attending that significant other's family's funeral. There's no fucking, no, there's not.

Yeah, there is. No, there's not. If it's a distant cousin like in Israel, I might not even go. And if I go, do I expect my girlfriend to go? There's a travel logistics of it involved. I think that. And this person's not even dead. It's not even a funeral.

He's sick. This is fucked. Wait, what's your position, Jake? I'm confused. I think you have to go. This is a uncle, uncle has uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle. That's the other thing. Uncle.

Uncle. I think if the, if the person you love says, I need you to come because I would be there for you if someone was dying, that's all you need to hear. It's not about the uncle, the uncle self. It's about your relationship to your girlfriend now. You don't, you don't come back from this. You don't, if you stay to care for your, your cat while your girlfriend goes to watch her uncle die, I think you're, I think it's over.

Now, hold on. Also, is it a funeral or it's an extended period of time where that is unclear where. I think it's like he's on death's door and they're going to be with him for nine days. Oh, I see. Yeah. The uncle's sister, this girlfriend's mom is going and then the girlfriend's mom wants the girlfriend to come and then the girlfriend wants the boyfriend to come. I think it's enough degrees away removed that he doesn't need to go.

I kind of agree with you. I, I also, is that a random, is that freaking weird? Are we heartless people? I, because I think also when you're in that situation, you don't want a rando in the mix and the boyfriend is a rando, essentially, you're, you know what I mean? He's not. I think he can do two days. He can do a weekend.

He doesn't need to be there for all nine. He can do two days. Give her two. It's two days. That's, that means you were there. You did the heart part. You traveled with her. You're leaving a little early.

Also, I don't know. I mean a bunch of, I mean, look, people have died in my, and not to be like, shaming her for whatever her emotional needs are. Like people have died in my life and I have not needed that much for my boyfriend at the time. You know what I mean? Like I haven't, also I haven't guilted, I haven't guilted him by saying like, if it was your family, I would be, then it's, then I feel like maybe you guys aren't even on

the same page about your, how your emotional needs play out. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it comes down to doing what you're, the person you love needs. So whether or not you need to be there for the uncle or the uncle wants you there. If the girlfriend says, I want you to come, I think you have to, you have to go because it's life and death.

Three days, then I really have to stop negotiating here. I mean, you have me bent over a barrel. All right. I'll give it in three. And three days is very generous. I feel like at this point, it's a take it or leave it off or Jake. No, I mean, I'm as, and that's really best in final. I'm not negotiating any time, but you have to go.

You do have to go. And I think you kind of have to cede the opinions to the people that are suffering the most because you just have a cat and everybody else is like, you know, dying. Not everybody, just the uncle. Let's not spread this illness. Actually, it's a very sweet little kitty that has seizures. So you want to make sure that I care about the cat too, but I think you can find somebody. There's enough people in the world that care about the cat that you could figure something

out. The subject line was, am I in cat-sitter it? Does that change your opinion, Jake? I think if anything, the girl, the girlfriend is in cat-sitter it. Thank you. Because this guy is probably. He just really wanted to use the pun. Yes.

It's not really a cat. Yeah. Well, he's too cat-sitter it. He's thinking mostly about the cat. Yeah. So that's my final, best and final three days I'm with you, but then I really got to get back. Was there a time specified?

It was nine days. Nine days she's going. It's two weekends. You're in a PhD program, there's all these like demands on your time. You've got this sick cat, nine days is a lot. Yes. I would sort of be like, I would love it if you could come for a little, like if I was the girlfriend, I would have been like, oh, I would love it if you can make it for some

amount of time, you know, like I understand nine days is a lot, whatever. I'm not going for a full Hanukkah. I mean, it's Northern Michigan we're talking about here. You have to be with your mom. What am I just going to be twiddling my thumbs in the fucking hospital waiting room? So should we like post-made something or like, how does that work out? I honestly think families don't love having a person there that nobody knows because they want to say a bunch of like personal intimate things in these final days and like having

that extra person that they don't know, even though it's great for the girlfriend to have someone that she can cry on their shoulder. I think it's not great for the overall family set up yet. No, this you're on support duty. You're like hug the girlfriend when she comes back from the hospital. Or drop off coffee in the morning. You are like the person that is allowed to miss some of like those. You're a gopher.

Yes. You're a gopher, which I understand is, you know, nine days of being a gopher is a lot. So you say I'm going to come, you know, on the weekends, both weekends, maybe. And it also depends on how close you two are. Like there's a different level of girlfriends. They've been dating for two weeks. Yeah. Exactly.

Almost the amount of time he's had the cat. Wait, did he specify how long they've been together? No, they did not. Close enough for this to be an issue. That makes a huge difference. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Let us know. I'm on the edge of my seat. Let us know how she handles the whole three day thing. I have a feeling she won't be as lenient as me. A third party who's just telling you what to do. But we look forward to hearing what's up. And Niggy will keep you posted as well. Please keep me posted because I'm also a tiny bit worried that I'm a heartless monster.

Yeah, I honestly thought you would take Jake's side and I would be alone, one against two. It's cool that it went that way. I appreciate that. Yeah. Listeners, let me know if I'm a heartless monster. I will amend my ways. I really can't tell now. Tweet at Niggy and hashtag HeartlessMonster.

Okay, Niggy, one last time. Your podcast, How Could People Listen to It? Oh my gosh. You can subscribe to Fake the Nation wherever you find your podcast. It's such a fun time. We've had such a wonderful run at Head Gum and the hits keep on coming every week with a new episode on Thursdays. Hell yes.

Fake the Nation. Check it out. I'm on an episode. That's how fucking good it is. Can you imagine me on the podcast? It's that good. But you should listen to the new episodes too. One of my upcoming guests that I think is so exciting is Bob the Drag Queen.

So definitely listen so you can hear that episode. Oh, all right. Check that one out for sure. Thank you so much for coming by. Thanks so much for having me. This was fun and I really hope that I've somehow retained my humanity, although I'm not sure if I have. You did great.

Don't let us drag you to hell. Okay, if you have any of your own questions or theme song submissions, the email address for all that is if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening theme song was that Phoebe Bridgers parody. I don't know if I said this, but that guy has a new song, Dopamine, which can be found under the name Fully Involved on all streaming places. Or you can follow on Instagram or TikTok at Fully Involved Mark to see that aforementioned Phoebe costume.

Oh, he dressed up as Phoebe Bridgers for Halloween. That's cool. Wow. Okay. I didn't read any of that stuff. So let's play the song again because I messed up at the top. Let's give one last shout out to Mark Berman who dressed up as Phoebe Bridgers and has a new song, Dopamine, which can be found under that name Fully Involved on all streaming

places. All right, let's play that one more time. If I were you, Kyoto Phoebe Bridgers parody. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye everybody. Later. Bye.

Bye. That was a hit gum original.