If I Were You - 515: Gulp

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

In this episode we discuss building things, eating things, and writing things.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Well, you have to take out your key anyway. Yeah, but a key is for a door. Yeah. A phone is for your home. And a wallet is for the mall. Shit. None of that rhymed.

You didn't have to force it. Wallet, mall, shit? Yeah, that one did because you made it rhyme. But the first two. Home, kinda. And then a key is for a door. I just can't believe what I heard last show. The keys for the door and the phone is for home.

Don't tell me the pitch is out of time. He's fallen in pieces trying to rhyme. And he took home his first hoodie. Because he had a bad show. He made us all frown. Tried his dang best. Couldn't turn it around. Wallet and shit.

That didn't quite fit. Tried to justify. But he couldn't survive. He had a bad show. The chipmunk don't lie. He laughed while we cried. And tried to claim the gold mic. You had a bad show.

On If I Were You. Jake may have gotten that turdy, but you better believe he walked away with that GM, that very same app. Hey, long live the streak, Jake. Stay humble. Wonder. So now the golden mic is quasi up for grabs.

Quasi. And we'll see. But try not to get too grubby. Wow. Wow. Wow. That was powerful. That was like the first, it moved me to hear that.

And it was cool to have it there. Like this episode for the theme song. How fucked up is that? Oh my God. Oh my God. Have you ever seen that happen? Oh my God. Dude.

Have you ever seen that happen before? Where I won the golden mic based on the song? Because. Because I put that in motion. When I made that failed rhyme. I wonder if I knew at the time that it would result in a theme song. No. Of this caliber.

What? This is crazy. Oh my God. Don't say, oh my God, like you're discovering something. You just thought not really. What just happened just now? I don't know. You're creating it.

You're right. You're right. I think I agree with that. I created that theme song. And by my failed rhyme in that episode, when I took home that turdy, it was actually a seed that grew into a golden mic tree. And I just picked one off during the theme song. That was like a collab.

It was an alley-oop between me and who was that? Oh my God. Matt. Oh my God. I just came in. Mark Wahlberg. Holy shit. Wow.

A golden mic for me? What did I do? Not you. Not you and not you. What do I deserve this, huh? That was a cover of Bad Day by Daniel Powder. Remember Daniel Powder? Yes.

Yes. Yes, I do. Absolutely. Actually, this guy, an Australian, so he says, for any Melbourne-based listeners, check out Brunswick Burn on Instagram. It's a chill oil company that I found. It's chill and chilly. It's pretty chill oil.

It's like BP, but a little more fucking chilly. Interesting. Yeah. He found it with his girlfriend, and it's vegan, gluten-free, and delicious. So shout out to Brunswick Burn. Also, if there's time, shout out, and then somebody else. Do you think there's time, or should we just move on? There's a little time.

There's a little time. Why don't we do it? Because the song actually did own at the end of the day, thanks to me and Danny P. You mean the original songwriter of the song and you? I'm actually the original songwriter of the song. Did I not coin the phrase wallet and wall shit? Wall shit? Excuse me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just won. Oh, my God. We need that headgum podcast sound effect. Wow. Wow. Shout out to my bro, Benny K, who introduced me to you guys five years back.

Love, Matt. Yeah. That's actually pretty cool because you're constantly thinking about moving to Australia, so this guy would be like a cool sort of entrepreneur slash artist slash sort of lethario because he has a girlfriend to like link up with and then sort of have as a home base when we first get there. That's awesome. Yeah.

I have been threatening a move to my motherland, which is Australia, I think. And we need like sort of like, we land, we need someone to like pick us up to like get our bearings. Where does he say he lives is the thing? Melbourne. Melbourne? That's pretty good. Yeah.

That's pretty good. I think if we follow the Chili Oil company on Insta, we'd become like part owners or something and like equity in that company and then we sort of turn that into like sort of that could be our new life. If we, sorry, you said follow it on Instagram, we'll become part owners. Well, we would follow and then we would eventually. Well, you would promote takeover, do an Instagram takeover, but then actually an actual hostile takeover, a bear hug of the Chili Oil company and turn it into a chill oil company.

And then we have an oil spill off the Golden Coast. How's that? Chili oil spill. That's actually really good marketing. A BP chili oil spill. Oh, that's good. And we get someone underground to like. We dump.

What's it called? 60,000 tons of chili into Byron Bay. Yes. And so all the dolphins and sharks come out with like cool like siesta and fiesta style like garb and it's like they turn into like this fun sort of Baja California house party. I start. Yeah. Like shaking some maracas and I.

Yeah. That's good. That's right. That's actually really, really good. And I'm going to cut that part out of the podcast and DM Brunswick burn about it. Well, yeah, definitely. Cut it out and give that a shot. I'd love, love to see that.

Okay. Let's start the show for Christ's sakes. You already won the Golden Mike. So let's see how you earn it. Oh my God. Wow. It's starting to weigh on me the amount of turkeys that I've gotten. Really?

Well, you don't, you haven't even gotten a turdy this episode. You can't just be happy for me that I got the Golden Mike during the song. Wow. Wow. This is if I were you, the only advice pod on the wad hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jod. That'd be awesome.

Jod. You're a Jod. That could be your Australian name because like a lot of people in Australia have like weird ass names. How do you do that? I'm Jod. I'm Jod, mate. Jod.

Can't you like imagine that? Like it's like a fine thing to spell and see, but like you've never heard that as a name. That's like what I envision. You call me Jod, mate. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you mean Jod? Jod, mate. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. Like my old buddy, Gid or something like that. Yeah. Jod. Jod. Jod, mate. J-A-U-D-E.

All right. We've got some real questions from real people. We need some fake Australian names to preserve their anonymity. Yes. Yes, please. Chris, actually, you know what? Fucking let's call yet again another person on this podcast, Patrick Rafter. Like classic.

Yeah. Jod Rafter writes, Is it reasonable to love plants the way one might love a dog? She keeps dropping hints that she can't get rid of any of them because she loves them like I love my dog. I don't want to hurt her feelings and I'm not sure when enough is enough. She wants to go to the plant nursery again to look for more. Is it fair to compare her plants to my pup? If so, what do we do about the furniture?

If not, how do I tell her it's not the same thing as having a pet? Many thanks. Love. Jod. P. Raft. It's interesting writing on that. He just said he didn't introduce us to anybody, but I'm assuming he dropped a paragraph or something, copy and paste error.

Yeah. Maybe there was a picture of a lot of plants in a home or something like that. So his significant other is saying that... I got to have more plants and then he's like, enough is enough. She's like, it's the same thing. You love your dog. I love my plants. They're actually living, breathing things.

Yeah, but it's not the same because she has to have many plants to fill the void and he only has to have one dog. So in theory, there should just be one plant that takes the place. Do many plants amass to one dog? Maybe so because it's something that you nurture and care for and think about. Yeah. So like the whole collection, but I think individually it doesn't match the dog. Yeah. I think, yeah, plants first in order of responsibility slash love and care.

Like you still got to care for a plant and it's sad when a plant dies and I know because I've killed many of plants. Then above that is a dog. Yeah. You'd be sadder if your dog is sick than a plant is sick. Right. Still bummed, but more bummed because it's a living, breathing, you know, you play, you interact with this dog. Yeah. The dog has eyes.

Yeah. And you see fear. Yeah. Yeah. And then probably above that is kid though I haven't had one yet. Maybe the kid is in between plant and dog. I don't really know how baby factors into the equation. Yeah.

So it's like, those are like three equally distant things. Plant is a one, dog is a 15, kid is a what, I don't know, 72 or some shit. Right. Out of 100. Yeah. I'm cactus is somewhere there too. It is 72. Yeah.

Yeah. A succulent. I mean, I, it's, it is interesting because it feels like these are just two separate thoughts that two different people will have. There's not really a way that you can get her to agree with you, but I don't think she has to. Unless you like really need her to stop buying these plants. Yeah. And then it's weird to tell her is because some people are plant lovers. They're like, I'll be tall.

It's kind of like this. She's like, the more plants the better. There's no amount like she would love to come home and it's like fucking fern gully plants everywhere. And you do temper that. Are you like, let's not add any more plants. We have enough plants. No, I mean, I don't, we haven't gone to the point where I have to like push back, but I also wouldn't mind a lot of plants. I like the way, you know, nursery smell and look.

It's nice better than stark white, which is how I would decorate a house. Yeah. And, but do you have to, I guess like the question is like, as long as you're not the one caring for the plants, it shouldn't matter that much. I like plants around. I don't like dying smelly plants with fucking nat infestations. So I can imagine not being into that. If somebody is like, I want plants, but they're not taking care of plants because I've had plants that like suddenly get like bugs on them or they just start wheeling and you try to water them and they just smell weird. So, you know, I can, I can picture not wanting to live in a place like that, but then also dogs kind of smell bad.

Dogs can smell bad. They smell pretty bad too. You got to, you got to watch the dog. You got to watch your plants. You got to dust your plants. You got to water them, feed them. Everyone's got a different schedule. Everything's responsibility and never fucking ends.

Yeah. And then eventually you'll be gone. So I guess. And then everything. Learn how to take care of shit. Responsibility. Yeah. That's right.

So can this guy say enough is enough or maybe you don't want to say my dog is different. Then it's sort of like puts this weird competition slash animosity between you. Right. You're, you're starting from a weird place, which is I like my dog more than you like your plants. That's not what the argument is actually about. The argument is actually, I think we have too many plants. So take the dog out. You can just be like, cool, I know you love plants and I love my dog.

Aside from that, I think there's too many plants in the house. So the argument is about how many plants can fit in the house. Not how much she loves plants and how much you love your dogs and what a relationship between those things is. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, is there a maximum? Is there an amount of plants where you would say no more?

I think every room should have one to two. Yeah. One to two in a corner. Let's say. Yeah. If you had like fucking vines and shit. I wouldn't. Flowers.

I would not like that. Wall fucking things with planters and the wall and all that stuff. Yeah. No, I don't like that. I like a pop, a pop of green. I like a plant in the corner. I like a plant on the shelf, the viney things on the shelf, but maybe just one, you know, trying to think of my, my living room we have two plants in.

I could live with the third, maybe a tree. That'd be nice. A tree. Yeah. Wow. I got tall ceilings. I live in New York City, you know. Is that a thing?

I don't know. These old houses in New York had a lot of like nice tall ceilings. Yeah. Back when people were just like eight foot four by accident. Like come see the world's tallest freak. He lives in this building and he had to have like super tall ceilings. Exactly. Exactly.

But when the houses were built, they had nice big, big windows and tall ceilings. I think to, I don't even know why actually. It was more heat efficient to have the smaller rooms. Well, you know what they say? Houses in New York have so much unnecessary space. You get so much space for your buck. So like it's probably all part of the amount of space that's just overflowing and abundant. Yeah.

With regards to homes and apartments in New York City. Well, that's, yeah, they, they've made it New York a lot smaller. They, they sectioned it off. And that's what we're here to talk to you guys about. We're hoping to make New York bigger. It's kind of a passion project. Knock down your walls, folks. I want Manhattan to be two.

I want it to be double. I just like figure out a way to just, I don't know. Imagine living off set this 17th Ave in 130,000 street. 17th Ave. Yeah. Wow. Let's widen it. Let's widen the birth.

Make it wider. Let's lengthen. Yeah. Well, it could go into New Jersey, frankly. It could. Yes. And it could go up to Westchester. If we needed it to, that could all be Manhattan.

Yes. I want to push. I want to repangia New York, sort of shove things together like a puzzle piece. I don't hate that. And make it bigger. It's an anti-river philosophy. Oh, yeah. We don't even have to shove it together.

We just have to fill in the rivers. Interesting. What about getting Phil Rivers to sort of hop on board this campaign? I feel like, yeah. Phil Rivers fills in the rivers? Yeah. And it's just him sort of doing like the first, it's like sort of a ceremonial thing, like the groundbreaking, but the river filling.

That's cool. So he's like tossing in the first, I don't know, what would it be, mud into the river to start filling it? Yeah, like shovel full of dirt or a stone. Yeah. How much would you need? Eventually you'd have to use trash. I think you would just have to have like a floating landmass of like plastic, dog shit,

bags, garbage, styrofoam, cups, whatever, debris. Yeah. But that would be 17th Ave. I think we're describing a pilot of an animated show where like a series of crazy entrepreneurs do insane things like fill the river up with garbage and we could do that because it's animated. And then people start living on the street and then I don't know what goes bad and act like the garbage starts coming up and full trading the houses or some shit like that.

I do like an animated show where you and I play two competing egocentric billionaires. Imagine I play an Elon Musk, you play a Jeff Bezos. Oh, that's cool. We're each trying to one up each other, but like, you know, we go into space. We're building an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That's good. Yeah. We want to colonize Mars.

The goal of the show is that we're both fighting to become the first trillionaire. So it's called first trillionaires. Oh, that's good. So it's me versus you. You could be, yeah, Bezos and Musk are probably the closest comps, but we'd have to differentiate the two. It can't be two of the same characters. Right.

It would have to be like a Sir Richard Branson and a Jeff Bezos. Yeah. One who's like going into space and the other one's just chilling with yachts. Or maybe, yeah. There's also like the Barry Diller type where like the old media tycoon. Right. Yeah. Tycoon and yeah, I feel like Sir Richard Branson is more of a like fun loving wacky.

He's like the, uh, the Hansel in, uh, Zoolander type. Mm-hmm. You know, like, I'll spend my money and I'll go to Nepal. Yeah. And then I feel like you would be more of a Musk, kind of like the genius, like you, uh, an inventor or something. Yeah. Who has a borderline personality disorder, so he don't really have any friends.

Yeah. And I named my kid a series of weird characters. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. So you would be, you would be the Richard Branson one. Is that what you're saying? I think so.

Yeah. Just because the blonde and the brunette of it all. Yeah. It feels, it feels right. That's the only way to differentiate it. Yeah. We can discuss, um, A story and B stories during this break so we can really beat out this pilot.

Um, and then we come back. We'll continue the podcast after these messages. Blow out the cast as well. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir.

Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't, I don't sleep for the better part of the decade. Excuse me. I do not, I do not brag.

I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or. Yeah. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for

20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows. Come on. Yes. This is their best offer yet. And no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now.

So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference. And they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office

and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap. So stamps.com has huge carrier discounts.

We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates, holy smokes. And for 25 years, stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses. So if one million businesses can trust stamps.com, certainly you can too. Set your business up for success with stamps.com today. Just sign up with promo code if I were you for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts.

Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Hey, we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a left-footed device.

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't. You do. Yeah. I mean, in general, just go get your booster. You know, the vaccine, the efficacy weighs after six to eight months, we're all in that zone now.

Right. Okay. I'll second your advice. I got it. Right. Last spring. Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't gotten my booster yet, but I should do that. Yeah. And the booster wildly varies in terms of side effects. Some people don't feel anything. Some people are shaking and sweating in bed and that was me for about a day and look at me now. I feel fine. Wow.

And did you have the reaction from the vaccine? I did. I had a sort of a similar but not as intense. Yeah. I was tired from the second one and like kind of stiff and sore at night, but this time I like woke up and I was like, I'm so hot. I'm so sweaty. I need to like, then I got really cold and I went to a bath.

I sent Avi Tala series of photos of me sort of struggling. So we have this photo collage. Here's a fun one of me with a moist, I'll send it to you, a moist washcloth on my head. This is what I looked like at six PM the following day. This is a good. I cannot wait to see this. A good ad for vaccinations. Not to scare anyone from getting it, of course.

Right. No, it's a rite of passage. I mean, it's fun because you can, you get to either talk about how sick it made you or talk about how you didn't feel anything. Yeah. It's like people love this shit. And it is fun to feel ill because you know where it's coming from. It didn't surprise you and it always does go away and you're like, oh, I feel much better

now. It's kind of like the end of a hangover. Yeah. Yeah. So you wake up sort of in a pool of sweat and this is what I'm sending you the photo. It looks like there's I'm wearing a wig or something, but this is just a second. Oh, my God. It's like a squirrel on your face.

I'm red and happy. And she asked me how I was doing your blushed sir, you're you're burning. You're absolutely burning. You can see the sweat on your neck. You just came out of a sauna. Instead I just came out of a nap and there's a thermometer in my ass. Jesus Christ, man. You sure?

You're sure people should get boosted? I think so because I think if I got Corona, I think if I got COVID, I would feel like that for two to four weeks. Right. I think it condensed it into one 24 hour sesh that will prevent it from ever happening again. Hopefully. Hopefully.

My good Lord. But yeah, let's all do our part, people. And yes, I'm still going to be wearing masks in a crowded indoor environment. It's just the right thing to do. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I went to a show last week and I wore a mask.

Is that good? Was it fine? Was it not ideal, but kind of nice? Was it dystopian in a non-fancy way? It's yeah, all of the above. It's like you got it, but it sucks, but it's fine because it's necessary and it's not that bad, but you kind of miss the old days. I threw away all my masks and I had to get them all again.

I had to replenish masks. I was like, I was letting them run out around the time that like over the summer when everything was opening back up and now it's just, yeah. I'm starting to see ads for mask accoutrement. So like there's a bunch of ads during basketball games for something called the cool turtle, I think, where it's this plastic thing that you put under your mask so that your mask isn't like too close to your lips, so like it's almost creating like this air cage in between your face and the mask.

That's interesting. I wonder if I would like that. Yeah. It seems like another annoying thing to add, but maybe it makes the mask wearing. Like if you're going to wear it for like a flight, maybe it really does work. Yeah. I mean, wearing the mask through the grocery store, whatever, is never bad, but I feel for the people to have to wear them all day.

It's not fun. I like putting it on like entering a bank in a grocery store because I get to sort of feel like a robber for a second. Yeah, that's nice. It's like I put on the mask and I walk in there. I don't really steal anything. You put on the mask and you run in there, right? Yeah.

Where do you guys keep your navel oranges? I'm in the market for a tangerine sort of huffing and puffing wearing. I'm also wearing a ski mask just to double up my efficacy. That's right because you want to cover your hair as well. Okay, let's see here. Next question. Next thoughts. Next thing to do now.

Let's go. We got a question about, oh, this one's funny. It's a fairly simple one, writes Jim from Australia. This is a fairly simple one. I can't figure out how to get it over. My partner of six years gulps like crazy when drinking any liquid. Most everything else is fine. Bar some small arguments about housework, but the way it sounds when they drink water

makes me want to scream. Apparently some people just swallow more air when they drink and it makes more noise. And you'd have to train your muscle to drink differently to change it. The thing is, how do I go to my partner and tell them? The way you drink makes me feel sick. Please put a concerted effort into changing the way you've swallowed your whole life. Please help me either get over this or find a way to tell them that I cannot deal with the gulping.

I feel like you could tell someone that they drink bad. That's not like, I don't think anybody like holds a, I don't know, a sensitivity about how they sip. I feel like if anything is just not really thinking about it, it's like, if someone told me that I slurp too much, I would be like, that's just how I drink. Well, it would be for us like the food equivalent of like making a lot of noise when we eat. Yeah. It would be comfortable if Jill said, can you stop making noises or chew differently?

Yeah, totally. And she tells me, she doesn't ever, I don't eat very loudly, but I eat very fast. And she'll often tell me to not eat so fast or to slow down or to not be so messy because I'll also, I'll try to eat normal. Then I sometimes start to eat really, really fast. And then it starts, you get lost in the sauce. And then it starts making a mess and I'm like, well, I'm not going to like wipe my hands out of my mouth between bites now because I'm going to be done soon.

So I just have to power through. Yeah. I just look like the inertia is going. I look like a baby. I'm just like, there's just food dripping down my hand to my forearm. All over my face. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to put the, if I put the sandwich down, it falls apart and I just make the napkin messy.

I should just finish the sandwich and take a shower. Right? She's yelling in front of her parents. Don't tell me that I should eat slower, if anything, I should eat faster and go take a shower. Right? Don't do that when it's, did she do that when it's just you two or it's like more of a in public situation?

No, when it's just us two. Got it. Yeah. When we're in public, she'll mention it, but like almost as a joke, like, oh my God, she'll make fun of me. Yeah. She'll sort of hit the other person's elbow and said, can you believe this guy, this fucking freak?

Look how he eats. He's disgusting. Do you believe I live with this? Do you make a more concerted effort to eat better when you're around others? Yes. Yeah, definitely. But it depends who it is. Like, if I, I think I went out to dinner with you and I didn't really, I think in public

I kind of do, if I'm at a restaurant. Yeah. In the comfort of my own home? No. You won't take it easy. No. No, I will not. Yeah.

Nor should I because I've earned this house. I've earned this home. What about you? And I can eat anyway, please. You're a fussy. I'll do a fork and a knife. Really? I'll do a napkin tucked into my shirt and I'll eat slowly.

You hunched over the sink. I'll bite. You know I don't have a clean bite. No. You don't have a clean bite. That's really what it comes down to. Except my teeth are a little too dull. Yeah.

So I can't really bite through things. I need to like suck. Everything is a noodle to me. You know that everything's a noodle to me. Including noodles. Yeah. You slurp a pasta noodle to like, you know, clean it up. That's what I do with every food is it just becomes a slurpy noodle that needs, all of

it needs to go in my mouth, otherwise it will spill out. Yeah. And in addition to that I have a problem with, I don't like putting my lips fixing it on a spoon. So what I'll do is sort of pour or use my teeth to get the liquid or, you know, semi-liquid an oatmeal pasta. You don't like putting your lips on a spoon? Let's say you like, let's say you have a soup, okay, or an oatmeal.

Are you sucking the oatmeal off the spoon with your lips? Or are you using your teeth to just sort of grind it off? I'm using my teeth most of all. I guess I use teeth, but if I'm trying to get, if I'm trying to get everything off, I flipped it, I flipped the spoon and I'll use tongue. Are you comfortable with tongue on the spoon? Or do you only want to use teeth? I actually don't feel comfortable answering that question.

Really? And that's the first time I've ever said that on this show. So I think you should respect it. Yeah. Well, I don't mind tongueing the spoon. I will not affix my lips to the contour of the metal frame. Wait, so you said you were so offended by the question that you weren't going to answer it.

It's the first time that's ever happened. I needed to respect it. Then you answered it. You said you're fine with the tongue on the spoon. Tongue is fine, yes, but like even dating back to cereal, I would never like, I would never close my lips around a spoon and push the cereal off. I don't know why. Yeah.

Interesting. I'm sort of a scared skittish coward of a man. I'm also a mouth breather, quite frankly. Yeah, you are a mouth breather. And you know what? My buddy, Sean, was telling me that he went to see a doctor recently and they were like, oh, your nasal passages, I forget what it's called, sinus cavities or what's it called when you get a nose job?

DBA'd septum. Oh, yeah, a septum. His septum was misaligned or something or wasn't letting air in. Oh, yeah. And so there's procedures you can do that's almost like a nose job, but they don't change the shape of your nose. They change the shape of your canals. And I'm curious to go see a nasal doctor to see if you'd be like, no, that's just what

most noses are. You should be able to breathe through your nose or they'd be like, oh my God, they're so close. How have you survived? You're a hero. I can't believe it. Yeah. The doctor would be proud of you.

We must widen these passages. This is amazing. You're a marvel. Yeah, I'm curious to go and see if my septum is like wide or normal or what, but I'm also afraid that like these doctors will just tell me that they can always be wide and look better and you could become a nose breather with this procedure that I'd have to pay for. Interesting. Very interesting.

I'm a mouth breather, but I can breathe through my nose. Like, I don't know. Like when you breathe through your nose, is it full? Like for me, it's pretty like it's getting compressed and like I'm not getting a full dose of oxygen. Oh, that's odd. Yeah. I mean, I can take a look at your septum next time I'm in LA if you want.

I don't know if I- Hold it up to the zoom. Yeah. I don't know if you can see. No, yeah. It's hard. I'm clicking my tongue because like it's like creating this weird reflex. It's so funny.

It's just you're making a silly face at me on zoom. No one can see this. He's holding up his nose like a little piggy and flicking his tongue out. And it's funny. It is funny. We should make this a video podcast, man. Just for that shit. Just for that shit.

We'll add it to the first trillionaires spec script we're writing. That's a good idea. Okay. So yeah, you can tell your partner that they gulp loudly, perhaps, or you can set up a situation where a friend is over and they're like, whoa, you gulp weird. And then you can be like, I've never thought that, but I guess you do maybe a little bit. If you want help, I can help you, but like, I would never mention it, Greg, how dare you bring it up?

I think really rude. You should. I think yeah, that should be the attitude. Your friend brings it up and then you actually act really offended and you're like, I love their loud little gurgly gulps. Don't change a thing. I love when you suck it down like a hog. Yes.

And when you slurp your cereal, your soup, your pasta, your spaghetti. It's all good because it's all thin, nose, cavity, or otherwise. I think you can say something. You can always say something, especially if you've been with someone for seven years. You can say whatever you want. All right. Cool. Enjoy.

Let's take another break. Thanks to more people's and we'll be back with more questions after these messages. Raw. Wow. Wow. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. This might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah.

Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. She told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You deserve that. Yeah. That's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

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And we're back. Yes. Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. Hello, my kitchen pal. We should say your kitchen is getting renovated above you. So if you hear some banging, it's not something the ferry is happening in the background. Right.

No, there's just some people, I feel like they're hanging cabinets in my parents kitchen right now. And you don't, you feel bad because like they're doing a real job. You can't be like, Hey guys, can you knock it off? I'm actually recording a podcast downstairs. Yeah. Can you just give me 48 and then you walk downstairs and then they hear you go, you're making silly faces at me.

You're so funny. He's flicking his tongue at me. You really don't want to ever say to somebody covered in sawdust wearing knee pads with a tool belt that I have to go do a podcast downstairs. I actually won the golden mic with this song, this episode. Oh my God. They love it. Oh my God.

I love that show. I love the episode. Are you going to get a turdy? Holy shit. I didn't know any cool workers listen to our pod. That's really tight. Yeah. It could be worse.

You could be telling them not to make any noise because you have to record your Dungeons and Dragons live stream. Right. You're painting a figurine. Yeah. I'm a painter as well. Dean, have you ever seen something this small to paint? I have a magnifying glass for this one.

Do you still do that? Oh yeah. Once a month. Once a month I hop on the live stream and I paint a mini for the D&D Patreon. A mini? Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. No. Oh yeah. No. I paint a mini every month. It's funny because I always thought like when I started painting mini I was like, oh I'll do this. You know, I'll do this and I'll get better at it.

But instead it's like doing it once a month is just enough time between that you never get good. If I did it every week I think I'd get better. Every once a month it's just you never get there and all the paints all they do is just dry up a lot. So it's most of the stream is just me trying to open a dry paint. It seems like hard to do something like my hands would shake when I'm trying to be like that precise.

Yeah. No it is. It is hard. It's like being a surgeon. You need like a certain set of like relaxed nerves. Yeah. And you have brushes that are very, very thin. You're getting like the tiniest little drip of silver paint and like painting a sword.

The hardest is like I'm like trying to paint people's belt buckles and shit. So do you literally use like, do you literally use like a hair? A hair? Does it have to be that thin? Yeah. There are such fine brushes, it's more than a hair but it's like, you know, just a couple bristles. Wow.

God. I would kill to be that thin. Yeah. I don't know. That's probably really thin. I know. Just all this fucking pandemic wait. I wish I was just like four hairs.

That would, you would be dead. And maybe you should be for thinking like that. All right. One last question to roll them all. All right. This one's actually about a cool person. So we have to give him a cool name. Cool.

All right. Why don't we give him the coolest name of all? Patrick Rafter. I was going to say Jack Logan. That one works too. Jack Logan is cool. I'm a 25 year old actor slash bar manager in New York. So I'm usually never home during the day and I get home very late between three and

six AM. Cool. See? He is cool. Super cool. Here's my problem. One of my roommates wakes up very early for work and is a light sleeper. This is something we've discussed before we moved in together.

So I didn't think it would be an issue and it hasn't been for a while. I also started seeing someone over the summer and she'll usually wait up at the bar with me until it closes so she can come over after. We're not loud and she usually ends up falling asleep and she doesn't stay for the day or take up space but this one roommate cannot stand it and started yelling go home and slamming the door whenever she's over regardless of the time of day. This roommate has been my best friend for a few years now. So I feel like this whole situation is tearing us apart and I don't know how to remedy this.

I'm really not loud when I'm home so it's hard for me to see what the issue even is. Thanks. Jack Logan. Yeah. The issue is not, it's not you or the girlfriend. Your roommate is going through something. That's not normal behavior. I bet the roommate wanted to have a summer and or year with his boy and then this is

him acting out like a seven year old or a dog when he gets introduced to a foreign person. He feels threatened, sad and scared. And so instead of internalizing it and being mature, he'll do things like yell go home and slam the door when she's over. I would, Matt, like if that were the attitude, I feel like at the very worst you should, like if that's how you feel, which I don't agree with you, you shouldn't feel like that. But if that is how you feel, all you can do is be passive aggressive, like, oh hey, Cindy, good to see you again.

I see you all the time. That's max, you know, like yelling go home and slamming the door is, I mean, that's borderline psychotic behavior. I think that like, that warrants a check in that's like, is everything okay? Girlfriend aside, work aside, like you screamed and slammed the door. Are you good? Yeah, I'm good. Go home.

I thought we were going to play Mario Kart this weekend. I really don't think it could possibly be about that. I feel like there's something else. There's something deeper going on. The fun part is when you confront people like that, they usually get pretty scared because like their comfort zone is yelling go home and slamming the door. So like when you open their door and talk to them about it, oh, oh, no, I was just being coy.

I didn't really mean it like that. It's all, yeah, have a conversation. And I think he's feeling like that because he's threatened poor roommate. I would also want to bring him in here and like, what would his question be? Like, hey, my roommate keeps bringing this chick over and like, at a certain point, I think I'm going to yell go home. Should I fucking yell go home and slam the door? I think I already did it.

My roommate is a bartender. He gets home at 4 a.m. and he brings his girlfriend and they bang around and they keep me up. I don't know what to do and I'm just going to have an outburst. That's like kind of what it is. And I think we would advise this person to not have an outburst because that's never good. Yeah, do not have an outburst. All right.

Whoa. Whoa. I'm kind of breaking news on Twitter. I'm sorry that I'm even seeing this now. I just feel like I should get your take. Yeah. This is crazy. I'm reading the Daily Mail celebrity, which is like the UK sort of magrag.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson's romance is officially on. The new couple was caught holding hands as a mom of four rebounds from Kanye West with SNL Lethario known for his naughty reputation. What? What the hell? I guess they were caught canoodling slash hand holding in Palm Springs this weekend. In Palm Springs of all places. You know that she used to have a place there with Kanye.

So they're like probably getting breakfast together and it's funny because. Does it say what Pete Davidson got? Was it a breakfast burrito? I bet he got a lumberjack breakfast, pancakes, waffles, toast, very carb heavy, but hey, he could afford it. He's fucking Kim Kardashian West. They just went to a art gallery. Oh, yeah.

They don't really eat together. Yeah. Beans are like breakfast burrito you would have like. No, he didn't have any breakfast. Actually, maybe she got a smoothie. Watch a movie. Pete Davidson is so cool. He dresses like I did in 2007, but today.

So it's like before these clothes have become cool again, Pete Davidson's like, I'll wear really baggy brown Argyle shorts, literally the kind I wore in 2007 with orange new balances. He's cosplaying as me. So funny what he is wearing and doing and is. I love it so much. They love it. They can't get enough. Kim loves it.

Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, he's so happy as you would be if you were a comedian a few years ago and now dating the most famous person in the world. I wonder if this is all just like a PR nightmare bullshit like the kind of shit that like that's because like they fucking they love it when they get taught like I should be caught canoodling with someone and see if I can get like the paparazzo on my ass screaming we want freeing up.

In the church, please no photos go home paparazzi throwing a rock at my head so that they could talk to somebody more famous. Sorry, I was called and told that Steven Baldwin would be here. Yeah. Well, now I'm here at a Denny's by myself. I think I would love Jack by his share. She fucking stood me up. Where are you going?

You believe she stood me up stood me up stood me up doing karaoke in a parking lot. Nobody's paying attention to me. That's how the episode ends of a billionaire or first trillionaires. Yeah, because I'm sad that nobody's paying attention to me anymore. Yeah, there you go. All right. That sends another classic edition of If I Were You thanks to everybody that's oh thanks to everybody that's emailed in thanks to everybody that submitted a theme song.

The opening one was an instant classic. The Bad Day parody. Loved it so much. I forget his name. Let me search again. Bad Day written by Matt powder, Matt powder, manual. Yeah, Matt Daniel, Daniel powder was the OG Matt Kazakos was the the new the new spin on it.

Oh, it's a Daniel powder. That's just who wrote the original song. Yes, that's who wrote and performed the original Bad Day. I 100% thought Daniel powder, not a good sign for Daniel powder. Wow, good for him Daniel powder, 50 years old, good man. And this closing theme song is oh yeah, this closing one is a Schmool's Rules themed song, but it's progressive psych metal band. Their Instagram is King Turtle Rock.

Not my cup of tea, but you know what? We have to sort of run the gamut here. Maybe there's a progressive psych metal band enthusiast that's like you guys never play that style of music on the show. So here you go. It's true. King Turtle Rock and they I guess the band King Turtle from Denton, Texas has a sound cloud.

So check that out. Right on. So thank you. King Turtle and thank you, Matt. Thanks to you guys for listening. The email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com. Correct. As always, we'll be back next week because our TV show will have not sold in the zoom

in the room on the day. So we're back to being podcasters while people build kitchens around us. Ciao for now. Peace. We're trying to keep it simple, because it rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rules rule rules rules rules.

That was A Hit Gum Original.