If I Were You - 516: Thanksgiving Lightning Round

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

We are answering as many questions as possible in this Holiday Lightning Round Q&A Edition of our podcast.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. I'm the guy who goes by Josh The Pinch If I were you Liquid nice, be my love True, we'll meet me under the covers And teach me rule 69 at a rate oh yeah I need help with these feelings In need of some advice you can say

It's a email if I will use your Gmail today Amazing Harrah, do you know what that was? No, it was like a Ramblin Man theme song though And I That was set to the tune of quote my favorite song from a few episodes ago Kodachrome by Paul Simon Oh, interesting, very interesting

I do like Paul Simon Sounded familiar, that's why It didn't to me Big man Billy here from England Amir mentioned a while ago that Kodachrome by Paul Simon is his favorite song So I put together this little ditty, nothing to plug I just hope my neighbors didn't hear me recording this Nice

That was pretty good Billy, why are you, don't be shy Right, well maybe the neighbors should hear the finished version But like recording it does probably seem a little weird Because you know you're just yelling into a microphone while you're hearing the music I thought he was like playing and singing at the same time Maybe I'm wrong though Yeah, I don't know I don't know how he recorded

Billy let us know, I'd love to see the behind the music style doc We want to see how the sausage was made And grabbing his thigh And that's not the only sausage I'm talking about Lighten up pal, cheers from England is all Let's go hammers This is Thanksgiving week, but there's no Thanksgiving in England, you know why? Why?

Because they didn't have the first meal with the Native Americans That's right, the pilgrims didn't have the meal with the Indians and the turkeys there They actually fled England So it's actually a day of mourning over there They lost their like hundred best pilgrims Thanksgiving is a big ol' fuck you It's the second fucking 4th of July to those Brits That's right

Every American holiday is essentially flipping off the queen Because it's like we did our own shit over here Not necessarily We actually destroyed the Native Americans culture over here Yeah So don't take credit for that So does that mean the pilgrims had British accents? I don't know, Govna, you tell me

That's really cool What was that? My impression of a pilgrim mate That's really good Yeah So like for the first hundred years Americans should have had British accents really Yeah, but also what was a British accent hundreds of years ago

I bet it was It was kind of like a Boston accent back then That's cool So like people in England just talked like Americans And then they became British after the Americans left Or maybe everyone that talks like an American left That's why they're like, we gotta get out of here Everyone is like, oh, how do you do?

How do you do? We gotta fucking leave We should be fucking historians I feel like we have theories that we could go to bat And try to prove if we could be If we had access to like books on tape Access to accents of books on tape That the historians are obviously hoarding to themselves

Yeah The problem is you can't really describe an accent And there wasn't any like audio before like 19, whatever 04 or some shit That like fucking Mozart shit This is me at my, defending my dissertation Defending the fact that you didn't make a dissertation The best we could do is this letter that a pilgrim wrote

That said, people here talk funny This can only assume what that means Yeah Unless the bin so sucks, sucks to be on the fucking Mayflower It's cold, the food is not great So much so that you look forward to eating a turkey And then when you land, everyone talks different Like, what do you have to be thankful for if that's your life?

You know what I mean? I don't know, man How'd you get to there from like, did pilgrims have accents? I feel like, I love pumpkin pie What's your favorite side? Do you have marshmallows on sweet potato casserole? Build your favorite Thanksgiving plate White meat gotta go

You know what I mean? Right, the food is not right in Thanksgiving Grandberry sauce is not As in like, I don't need that tart sort of sour gummy on my dry ass tummy I would rather eat a ham What do you mean it is gnaws? In terms like, you said it is gnaws Which then you said means that you don't need it on your gums or tummy

I didn't think you would You said cranberry sauce is gnaws Meaning I... That's not the meaning of gnaws No, yeah For whatever reason I felt like I could Mander my way through that sentence and stick the landing Well, you could have said cranberry sauce makes me gnaw

And don't forget the gnaw Cranberry sauce is not much of a gnaw That's kind of like, yeah, that's another one You did a goat show episode for the greatest Was it Thanksgiving side or Thanksgiving food of all time? I guess we did side I think we did do side And I don't even remember what we said

Because I think we just went in on Thanksgiving not being that good As a holiday or as a food holiday? As a food holiday As a holiday, I think it's fine It's still not perfect I like Thanksgiving more than Christmas One, because Jews get to celebrate So it's like a fully American thing

And two, there's no religious implication whatsoever It's literally just a big meal and then football on in the background Which is how I like to spend my Thursdays anyway Interesting, yeah, I guess that is nice But to me, Thanksgiving, it's so much about the meal And the prep and the cleaning It's a lot of job to be had Christmas is nice because it's like so much of the work is done pre-Christmas

And then the day is just like open presents and chill But what I don't like about Christmas Is that it comes sort of towards the end of this holiday season Where I feel like I'm holidayed out Like various days have come and gone The weather is now much, much colder Thanksgiving sort of kicks it off So I'm not quite sick of my family yet

I suppose, yeah, that's fair That makes sense By Christmas time, I'm excited for Christmas to be over And then it's like still another week for New Year's Really, Christmas should be December 30th or something There's no need to have like a December 28th What's going on on the 28th of December? Let alone the 29th

I like that people just give you kind of... I mean, not everyone gets that That's just something that we used to always get at like College humor because we followed a school schedule It's like school's not in session So you guys don't really have to come into work from Christmas Like basically when you get off on the 20th until the 4th Yeah, it was great

Oh, you're saying other people have real jobs or something? Yeah, I think other people get like the 24th off And then go back to work on the 26th And then they get the first job But that's my mom's birthday I can't work on that day And then on the 29th are they working? Yeah, we have an amazing schedule

Because we carried that college humor schedule over to head gum So we just don't have to do it And we're also sort of on the holiday schedule So like at a certain point The town shuts down on Halloween And opens up after President's Day Like no one is reading your script in November No one's reading your script kind of regardless

I would say Yeah, because of who we are and what we've done Yeah, we're cool Yeah, like a lot of people have heat in this business Yeah We emanate cool energy We're cold We're ice-cold actually

We're a black hole A black hole That's funny Alright, so we asked people Are you sad? No, I'm okay I thought there would be more than this at this point Almost 40

Yeah Let's do our fucking podcast This is I can't believe I'm saying this for over 500 times This is a fire review Yeah, the advice radio show That has people literally can't prevent us from recording This is the one thing they can't take away from us

Because we can just do it I can press a button and Oh my God, are you kidding me? I just got an email from Fox That says, don't record your podcast They passed That's tacky They passed on my pod

On the Zoom They're not even paying for it In the Zoom They said that they would have to talk about it Yeah And that was ultimately not a fit Who cares? I just got one from fucking Adult Swim

I really just got an email from Adult Swim That said they're also passing on the podcast I didn't even get to them Not even like, punting? Not even just saying like They don't even want us to rewrite it No Wow

They ultimately made a decision And their decision is to not go forward with the project Not moving forward And they didn't give a reason Or did they say No, no reason And they didn't even do the polite like But they loved the guys

They didn't even love the guys Love the guys But this is the wrong time But we have something similar Yeah They don't have anything similar The fucked up part A pass

A hard pass Closing the door It's a hard pass And it's hard to hear It's hard to hear it But yeah This is a fire year The only advice pod on the web

Hosted by us They can't take that away from us Even though they're trying We asked for lightning round questions We're recording this On Thanksgiving during the dinner There's a full meal happening right behind us And we're ignoring the cameras

I'll help clean in a moment Aunt Are your Thanksgiving dinners Trending earlier and earlier To the point where it's like Let's just call it a lunch It's 2.15 You invited us to

Yeah, we're going We're meeting at 3 At 3 tomorrow But it's always been around 3 or 4 It's always been on the earlier side For my family I feel like I've gone from Like 5-ish dinners

To 4-ish to 3 And it's like Okay, literally one more minute We're calling this a lunch Let's just call it what it is It's a lunch I don't know what to tell you It is a lunch

It's a lunch into dinner But then are you there until 7.30, 8.00, 9.00 p.m. Yeah, usually I'll be there until like 8.00 or 9.00, for sure At least At least

With a lion's game on the tube And a pie in my thigh Mm-hmm Yeah, with Jill's family Jill's family eats all day Like they cook a lot There's appetizers There's dinner

There's dessert There's coffee There's like It's There's always something happening My family was like Show up at 1 All the food is out

At 2 All the food is gone At 3.30 There's dessert That is out during dinner And you can pick at that But it's like And it's still like

Everyone's Yeah, people are going home 4, 5 Which I kind of dig That's kind of nice You know You get your day back And then you get your

Black Friday specials On the following day I think maybe that's my other Problem with Thanksgiving It's like It's a day for extended family And friends Which is good

Which is good But it becomes a lot of Small talk And a lot of mingling Christmas is like That's your immediate family dog That's whoever you wake up In the house with

That's what you're just Hanging out with all day It's not the same humans Just close buddies You could I mean I guess you could do like A Christmas Eve thing

With family But I feel like That's a lot more of a party That's like an evening time thing You're drinking You're singing carols It's a lot more merry Thanksgiving is a daytime party

It's a brisk with a turkey You're cutting off a turkey's dick So to speak And then this year Thanksgiving goes straight into Hanukkah Zero time off Yeah

Thursday Thanksgiving Sunday Hanukkah For eight days I was thinking about Getting Gillian The gift of me having a haircut For Hanukkah

What do you think about it? Oh wow So you arrive on a Sunday Having had a snip snip That's correct A real life snip Or like You can't tell

It sort of trimmed the edges No like a full on A full on full on Like Short Rewind it back to pre-pandemic Wow Wow

A March 2020 look Yeah Are you ready for it? Does she want it? Um She doesn't ever pressure me To change anything about my appearance You know

Like when I have a huge beard She's not like You should shave But like She can think it Yeah And I can sense it We have that kind of connection

She wants me to get the haircut Cause Sometimes I don't know There's just like Times when it comes up Where I like mention haircut Or she sees an old photo

Of me with shorter hair And she's kind of more enamored With that Like I say something about Maybe I'll get a haircut And her eyes brighten So I know Interesting

I know she wants it But you have to have a haircut That fits your new physique Cause now you have sort of like A thicker body That matches your longer hair Really? Like you can't have just like

A haircut And then also just a thicker body Cause last time you had a haircut You were a skinnier guy Do you think that I'm thicker As in like I'm more yoked? I think you have like

More like beef strength Now than you did Like pre-pandemic Mass You think I got gains During the pandemic Yeah I would say you gained

10 to 15 pounds I don't know if that's true though It is true since I mean I don't know if it was all During the pandemic I went down to a very lean 158 Less than me Less

Yeah That was for the But that was for my wedding And then I think I went up to like 165 Maybe I'm a 174 now Oh wow Interesting

So maybe it is 20 pounds Yeah So you're getting a haircut That you had when you were 158-ish And now you're like 178-ish Right So maybe I should just leave the I should just leave that long hair

Okay I didn't try to I'll get her a fucking bracelet You ruined Jill's Hanukkah I'll get her a fucking latke A fucking potato pancake A latke-lake Or you can Shed the weight

And get the haircut Be the wedding man You always promise to her That you'd be going forward The weight is good I like having the weight You like being thicker Yeah

I want the beef Okay, speaking of beef One of our first questions That we received on Twitter Was from Shane My Sweeney Do you like Brie? Yes

Do you like Brie? Yeah, I do Sweaty, sweaty cheese The sort of center piece Of every charcuterie is this Chalky wheel That's melting before our very eyes

With a knife That you don't see anywhere Cracker with some structure on it And that's all you need for the Brie There's no head gum This is cheese gum It's a sour, creamy gum gum It's a great cheese

I usually like It's a little bit of a mild cheese I like a more pungent cheese I like a stronger cheese But you really No cheese is bad in my eyes I'm pretty discerning with my cheese I don't love a lot of cheeses

You don't like most cheese If you see a cheese board Are you excited Or does that do nothing for you? It does very little for me I'm into the meat And I'm mostly into the bread And then I'll add cheese to that

But I'm not grabbing a piece of cheese Just eating the cheese Cool Yeah, I love cheese Do you like cottage cheese? Would you eat a bowl of cottage cheese? I don't think so I don't think I would do that

I guess it depends what was in it But I don't think I've ever had A bowl of cottage No, I have not I actually think I might dislike it I'm not big on the mushy lumpy texture stuff Yeah Oatmeal

You're into oatmeal though I do like oatmeal Okay, what about this? Have you ever purchased brie? Yes Like you go out of your way to seek out brie You're not just Oh, if it's at a party, I'll have some

No, I think if I'm like I see a sandwich with brie on it I'm not opposed to it I feel like I've sought that out Or seen a sandwich with that as an ingredient And been like, that'll be good And I've definitely bought brie In an effort to build a good cheese board

But I don't think I've like gone I've never opened my eyes and been like You know what? I need some fucking brie today To have some brie day I'm feeling briezy Brie today Gone tomorrow

I've gone out and got brie I don't think I really do that with any cheese though Yeah, I'm fine on brie I mean, just like any other cheese I'd say the only cheese I like on a cheese board Is cheese that tastes like meat Like a smoked gouda Where it's like salty meaty

Almost a salami But it's a cheese Yeah What about a crispy parmesan? No, not into it Dane Thompson asks Jake, how are you going to compete this Thanksgiving When your sister just appeared on the best show on television

Joe Parra talks with you Wow, yeah, that's true That is true What's the story there? Liza was... Liza did it My sister Liza Liza hurt with his comedian

You should check her out of New York City Because she's great I go to all of her shows And she was on the latest episode of Joe Parra Talks With You A show on adult swim She played a magician Wow Wow

Is she like auditioning for that stuff Or is it like the comedy scene just scooped her up Because they knew about her And wanted her to be on the show Yeah, I think she's like She knows a bunch of people on that show I believe they like wrote the part And asked her to do it

Because she's like on shows With all of the alt comedians in that world Right The Joe Firestones The Joe Parras I see I see So if you're funny enough, IRL

They'll give you the job They'll give you the role Right, imagine if like Gabriel wrote a TV show And he didn't hate you He would just be like Oh, I wrote this part that's perfect for you Yeah

Well, it would probably be the other way around Like how we put him in Lonely and Horny Yeah, exactly Exactly It was exactly like that That's cool So are you gonna bring up What like NADPOD or live shows

Thanksgiving Like how's your podcast doing? I don't know I think Yeah, I could bring up the fact that I paint little minis to my dad And he might be happy with that But I feel like it'd be

Probably ultimately better for me To just shit on Joe Parra Or like complain about the show And say that it wasn't that good Yada yada So I'll sort of just like I'll detract Because when I make people feel small

I am tall I stand on their shoulders They are lesser than I am greater than So that's kind of the vibe I also do that when it comes to like Cooking because like I'll just say The meal is bad

I'll complain I'll say My bed's uncomfortable I'll just make everyone feel Low So I feel So high So low

Low Feel low Low I don't like your show I can't complete your first I watched the episode It was great And she did great

Everyone should check it out I wanna see that I have a question from Sansa Sansa K Do either of you think That you could beat Dwayne The Rock Johnson In a fight on your own Under these conditions

His arms are tied In front of his back You are equipped With your toothbrush of choice And the setting is Amir's house Interesting So it's sort of the rock kicking us

Or trying to And we can sort of stab his thighs With a toothbrush if necessary Yeah So he's got his arms tied They said in front of his back though Do you think that means Like

In front of his Okay That means behind Arms behind his back Cause if they're in front of his back I mean game over He can fucking Single arm

Yeah Raise it above So He basically can't use his arms Yep Does he definitely Does he skip leg day? I feel like he's not

That thick down there They look like fucking stallion legs He looks like he's built like a force He's like thick He is big He has good ass One of his quads Is bigger than your waist

Absolutely But like He has a size 32 quad Like could he Lunge Or like is he more like A guy that skips leg day He could lunge

He doesn't skip leg day You follow him on Instagram He fucking like Yeah I see a lot of his cheat day posts And it makes you think like Maybe if like You want it

Like my cheat meal Is not even like anything Cause like He doesn't bring an elliptical To Japan When he goes there He like Flies a gym into his hotel room

That's how hard he trains He wakes up at three And I think he does lunges I think he does squats I play tennis today You play tennis once a week You play tennis one time a week You actually have a pretty bad diet

And a bad attitude And you don't own a toothbrush So I don't even know What you're going to use I have a floss Yeah I mean he could even with I mean if he has his legs

It's still game over Cause he's like six foot five He has more reach with his legs Than we do with our arms I think if it's two on one We could probably tackle him If it's just me versus him I don't like my chances

Obviously unless he skipped leg day He didn't skip leg day Stop thinking he might have Skipped leg day He would kick you in the throat Even if he didn't kick you Even if he didn't kick you If he just ran at you

In full force He could mow you down Imagine you take a step Towards the rock You take a one step toward Dwayne Johnson With a toothbrush With a toothbrush

Like vibrating With your little quip Alright Dwayne You're off You're in for it now Oh no Oh no You're charging me

He's the Brahma bull baby I don't think you fucking Stand up to that But the setting is my house Right What does that do That he's going to destroy Your house afterwards

A familiar like I don't think we could be Dwayne Even if he had his arms behind His back And we had a baseball bat I think he would still mow us down No

I think he would still mow us down We could hit him with a baseball bat I think he would kick He would dodge us If it was two of us though Like he'd kick the shit out of one of us Break our rib cage And then the other one would be like

Swinging as hard as it could At his head with a baseball bat Right But if you hesitate Even for a second So like If we have Say if we have two of us

We each have a bat You take one step towards him Holding the bat He just charges at you You're not ready for that You thought that he would Maybe cower Or hesitate

But he doesn't do that He's decisive He has decisive action He just runs And it didn't skip like that You trip over your coffee table You fall back The bat falls out of your hand

He just stomps you in the head With one swift motion I'm trying to swing I maybe get one fucking swing And I hit him in the back I hit him in the head But he has His adrenaline is pumping

He turns He looks at me He raises the people's eyebrow And I just shake my head Like I didn't mean to hit you I didn't mean to hit you Dwayne And then he just fucking Kicks me in the teeth

And it's over I don't think It'd be funny to like Have us plan for 30 minutes About like How do we attack him from Opposite sides And like what our strategy is

You get hit I'm the one hitting with a baseball And then it's like Alright go And then he just fucking One of us to death instantly No Aw shit

Now it's one on one right away Two of us together Could maybe do it If it all went perfect But I think he I trust his planning more He takes one of us out instantly Game over

Game over for the other one Okay so let's add a third person Me, you It would have to be Billy Okay you think Three of us can take him with his arms I mean at a certain point If he could just kick us

To be Almost dead If not broken Then he could just do that One at a time It almost doesn't matter How many of us there are Well I think

But I think three actually does it Because three He Say he just Kicks me in the stomach Really fast Takes me out But as soon as

He does that He's got two guys on him with bats Do we have Oh we each have a bat We don't have one bat for three people I think you have to Because otherwise He'll take the guy with the bat out

The other two guys are done You need to have the bats Okay I have a bat Billy has a bat You have a fucking toothbrush Right So he would actually

So I might survive Because he would take you out Because you're a bigger threat We should really take Billy out first Yeah he should save his strength Right Like when he's weaker He should take us

Yeah that's true And we would be fucked If he took Billy out first And actually knowing Dwayne That's probably what he would do He would take the Billy out the strongest Because I do think he beats Billy One on one

Even with Billy having a bat And the Rock's hands are tied behind his back And it's at your house I think he takes out Billy And then if we only have a bat And a toothbrush Then we're fucked Because he can definitely take us out

One at a time Have you seen Red Notice No Okay I think I haven't seen it either But it's always funny to me When he's like I have some amazing news

To share with you guys It's the number one movie on Netflix And I'm like Yeah the Rock Obviously it's fucking you It's cool for you Because you're him But I mean I always expected it

To be the number one movie That's why Netflix gave it to you You don't have to be You don't have to express gratitude For that Rock To save your mana Like you're the biggest movie star In the world

It's also not an honor That you're the sexiest person Like I also sort of expected that To the Rock No success you have is a surprise To me Exactly Until you run for president

And don't win I won't be surprised Alright Let's take a break Answer some more questions On the other side of these massages Yeah If you smell

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We have too many questions to get through Yeah we have not gotten through very many We've spent a lot of time talking about the rock Yes I still think Three of us could take him down With two baseball bats And a pool cue And a toothbrush

Yeah as long as he doesn't attack Billy first As long as he skips leg day What succession character Are you both most like Says and a van Oh Roman probably That's tough

Yeah Roman is the biggest sort of like Sarcastic turd troll Yeah So I'll give me Roman And you can be I don't know Fucking Logan's

Assistant That's probably blowing him That's not bad I wanted to talk to you about something Because I still like succession But I think The last Two

I actually have a problem with the last three episodes If I could be quite frank Okay I'm caught up Including On the character Frank Okay good And I love every episode

So what's your beef Okay well my big beef With The episode from three weeks ago That would be the episode where all of the kids Gather in Kendall's place to talk about Who's gonna join him Okay succession

Spoilers abound ahead It's fine But like you really gotta watch You can skip ahead but you might as well Turn off this week's episode Cause I feel like I'm gonna be talking about this for a long time Okay So that episode

And then also the episode with the With like the address Like Keynote The Oh the one where he has a UTI And he's going kinda crazy Yeah So I've

The same gripe with both of those two episodes And that gripe is that Nothing happens the entire time Everyone ends up the exact same place That the episode started It spins its wheels for an hour The end is You end up at the same place

But I would still say things happened I think things happened but it didn't It was It did not need to be an entire episode I think that it's like It basically what is happening to succession now Is it feels like Executives at HBO said this show needs to last for 10 years

And the writers were like Okay so whatever we thought was gonna happen In the middle of season 3 Needs to now happen at the end of season 3 Like what we thought season 3 was gonna be about Actually has to be what season 3 And 4 Is about now

That's my theory Right It feels like they're vamping It just feels like they're making it stretch Yeah Which is what they had to do during that Big keynote address Where they're waiting for things to get done

That was just the same joke over and over It was just like Someone's talking but they have to vamp It happened to Frank three times Then Jerry had to do it I'll show the video Yeah It just kept on being the same

The same joke and it was always like Are they Are they gonna Can we get a deal Or are we going to a vote And it just goes back and forth Deal vote Deal vote

No deal vote Whatever But there were things happening The background that were changing Like the president is no longer Gonna be president Then they had to choose a new president They had a new candidate

Now there's a new candidate So there is some forward story movement Yeah But I think all of that stuff Could have happened And so it's really stretched to be an hour While doing the same thing over and over The fact that that whole entire thing

Took place throughout Basically real time at that conference Yeah I thought was a little much I still love the show I still loved it It's fun to watch Even if the killing time is good

Yeah And the writing is fun It's like Game of Thrones to me a little bit I'm starting to see how the I feel like I see the puppet strings A little bit Right Lastly

This is my bigger gripe Because I think it's gonna be A season long thing Okay I feel like the show is unique And creative enough That they don't need to make This new presidential candidate

That they're gonna back Trump Because that's just what it is Well he's not quite Trump Because he's like young and sexy and funny Okay I think that it's The idea is that it's the same It's like this guy is a bad guy

That we're That he's an autocrat Who we don't know if we should back But everybody's like Oh no he's not gonna win Let's just back him And it's like I can see I just couldn't see what their intent is

I just don't want Succession's too good to make it about Trump Yeah And I think Trump is almost the guy That's in power now The one that's like leaving And then this new guy is sort of Younger and funnier and hipper

And kind of like an edge He's like a Republican Beto O'Rourke or something Where he's young and hip and also conservative I hope you're right But it definitely feels like The theme of it is This guy's actually gonna be

A really bad fucked up president And we're gonna help put him in office And I think that's like what the What the vibe was with Fox and Trump Yeah Well that's why I think like The whole show started at the beginning Of the Trump right

Like that was like four or five years ago Now this is theoretically the next president Maybe I just wanted to do its own thing I don't like when succession is like A reflection of something that I already know Is going on Yeah

But it's always been kind of the Fox news Of the fictional world Yeah but it was more fun when it was just about Who's gonna take over the company Not about like Oh what if we back a president Who's actually bad for the world I don't care

Right I just don't care about that Yeah That's definitely gonna be a big part of the End of the I mean we're already on like an episode Six or seven of the third season right Yeah

Yeah But there's also this lawsuit that's happening And like will Tom go to jail Yeah I love that stuff Will Greg be in trouble That's the kind of thing that I want to see I want this stuff to happen I mean Tom's journey is pretty insane too

Like Him agreeing to take on all these crimes And meeting with Kendall And talking to his wife And breaking down His journey has been very unique And forward moving Yeah

And not apolitical Love Tom I love Tom He's great Yeah So there's enough for everybody Yeah I mean I still love the show I just have a gripe with the last three episodes

But it clearly can do no wrong for you And that's Oh yeah I know It's still batting a thousand in my eyes of course Although every TV show you know Has those episodes where Not a lot happened Because they had to make ten episodes that season

Yeah It just feels like it's been three episodes in a row For this show Yeah Hopefully they kick it up a notch Usually towards the end of the season That's when it's like shit starts to get real Yeah

You're right about that Let's see here So we're both Roman Is that what you're saying I think so I think it would Yeah I would have to

Have to say so Here's a question about Secret Santa And if one of us got Jeff What would we get him That was from Chili Chilton from Canada Jeff would be a very easy person

To shop for Cause I feel like I know everything he likes And you could get him a very good Gag gift pretty easily Yeah would you go gag or would you go norm Gag I would 100% go gag I think I'd get him a really

Like a really stupid watch Or something for Something to sell in Rodney's closet Or something gag But in the world of Of him Of Jeff Yeah

In Jeff's world Also he's going to be living in New York City For two months So maybe I could get him something Something there Right So you get him a silly hat Not like a car heart beanie

Or something Exactly I'd get him a silly hat Well don't take my fucking gift idea Cause I thought of silly hat What are you going to get him Cause I already got him the silly hat Well he delivers food to my door That I often just

Don't realize is there In rots overnight So maybe I'll get him like a trash can So next time he orders me food He could just order directly to a trash can And not like That's sitting on my stool He got you a yoshinoya beef bowl

Is that what he got you Yeah most recently he ordered me a Not Guy Fieri Some sponsored postmates Maybe it was Guy Fieri Like wings at wing stop with fries And it just stood on my Outside of my door

While you were in New York 18 hours No it was while I was home But they didn't ring the doorbell So they just left it on my stoop Just stayed there Overnight rotted Animals got into it

I wake up and there's just garbage all over my front Stair area I'm so glad he I guess he knows my address now actually He's been over it He hasn't attacked me in that way So he'll get him a silly hat And I'd give him a garbage can

Okay Jenna asks Do you miss living close to each other Are you happier in your retrospective locations I don't even think about where people live Because I only see people on zoom Like I see you more often Than I see my friends that live in Santa Monica Or something like that

Because we're like zooming every single day And it's not like I'm going to a lot of bars On the weekend Or restaurants or parties So the pandemic has basically made it Feel like we're closer than ever I feel like I definitely see you more Now

It's interesting because pre-pandemic We were not living together And nobody zoomed I didn't have any face to face It was hard You had to fly out to podcasts Yeah And like throughout the week

I would just not see you Like we didn't have company meetings On video And then with the whole pandemic We started doing that Remember when it was really hard to set up Like a company meeting It's like you got to set up this wide camera

And everyone's in frame And nobody can hear each other Now everyone's together But still has to hop on zoom on their laptops Yeah, it's weird I think actually I'm going to make a push An internal company push for No more zooms ever

What do you think about that? That's going to be hard Because we still can't really all be in the same room Which is ultimately fine We never did it before Yeah, but we were working out of the same office What about that year that I lived in Actually two years where I lived in New York City

And you lived in Los Angeles That was two years before the pandemic And I moved in February of 20 Oh wait, maybe it was 2019 actually Yeah, it feels fairly recent Yeah, it was December of 2018 So most of you in New York has been pandemic No, a year and a half

A year and a half was no pandemic A year and two months But now you're coming up on Almost two year mark More time in the pandemic More time in the pandemic than not Interesting But yeah, we got it done

Everything was fine Yeah, did we do phone calls? How did we interact? I don't think so Slack? I don't remember 2019 Yeah, we maybe did I think we just did Slack, man

I think we just did Slack That's why I'm going to make an urge for us To be off Slack too We should just do phoneers Why does everyone have to see my face all the time? I don't have an office line And I'm going to get... Do you have a landline at your house?

No, but I think I would get a lot of work done actually If I could rather than FaceTime If I could just like... If I had an office I had a speaker phone I just pressed the button I was always talking to me on speaker And I could pontificate, talk out loud

Pace around Kind of like someone's assistant Yeah, exactly Hold my calls style That's the life I need Hold my calls Somebody says, Amir is online too I say, tell them I'm at lunch

Are you? They say, they're like He says it's urgent And I'm like, God damn it Alright, put him through And I say, what is it? And then we talk And then we hash it out

We get whatever we need to done And it's all finished in a 25 minute phone You've just been watching Mad Men C Sort of want to live in that world again I'd also like to be having an affair Commute to Manhattan During the weeks Sometimes you spend a night or two in the city

Because you're working late And you had clams for lunch I got trashed at noon I can't stress how many clams and martinis I had at 1 p.m. on Tuesday Don Draper must have constantly had diarrhea That's a good tweet If you ever come back

Yeah C-notes just weighs in If you guys don't answer every question posed It'll be another 30 for Blumenfeld That's actually kind of true So let's answer some of these You called for the lightning round Q&A And you knew we didn't have time

It's a long con on the fans Our boy Al Jalil asked this to question Ooh, love Al What's he say? He said, would you all ever consider doing dramatic Or non comedic films? I would consider it I'd definitely consider it

Do you consider NADPOD a comedy? Or is it just fantasy and thus Because it's so out there and fake It is funny Are you guys trying to make jokes? Yeah, we're making jokes Most of all you want to serve the story Above the comedy

I think it's almost I guess probably story over comedy But it is a comic story That has powerful heartfelt moments There are moments we take seriously And a lot of the time We're doing bits Is all D&D in general

Mostly comedy slanting Or like there are people who get together for six hours And they just tell a story without laughter It's like that was cool, that was powerful Like crazy shit happened and now we're out of here I think there's definitely an aspect to it That is just like it's almost like a video game You're solving a dungeon puzzle

And people have their abilities It gets super crunchy You're playing on a play mat There's definitely people to take it seriously And are not having fun There are even D&D shows That are pretty dry storytelling Or not even dry storytelling

But dramatic storytelling Would you like to do that? I don't think I would be able to do that Because I don't think I'm a good enough Dungeons and Dragons player Even after two years of practice Maybe three years at this point Yeah, better than most people

But I think what I excel at Is the improv and the character And the story part of it I guess if I was just doing Straight up dramatic role play I could probably do that I mean I don't know how to do drama I don't know how to act dramatically

I don't know what to write dramatically That's the hard part for me It's like alright, don't be funny And tell an interesting story That's all I know is how to be funny I'm not going to write an interesting tale About two friends that occasionally A joke might pop up

No jokes at all Yeah A movie with no jokes There must be Moneyball World where Lee doesn't have any jokes Can I google search that What is a movie without any jokes?

Like a movie so sad There's no jokes Like is there a joke in Schindler's list? I don't know Because you might want people to Warm to some characters Kind of levity In certain moments

Somebody asked on reddit three years ago Can you name any movie that has no jokes And is completely serious from beginning to end Tree of life And There's Some very funny answers here What do we got?

If I recall correctly Valhalla Valhalla Rising Valhalla The Passion of the Christ That I believe Dunkirk question mark If possible

Prisoners is pretty dark All the way through But there's a few light hearted scenes A joke or two in the middle Why even answer? Why even answer? Are there any movies with no jokes? There's a bunch of answers

Prisoners is pretty dark And it has a few jokes Somebody recommended The Road And I just Just the fucking The poster for this film Looks like it's Offensively devoid of comedy

It's Vigo Mortensen In a Hooded jacket Soaking wet Covered in dirt Holding a little boy who's also really sad looking It's almost in black and white It's so muted this book

There's no way there's a joke in The Road I could have Oh and also Winter's Bone You're saying You couldn't write Winter's Bone Yeah I think I could direct a non-comedy I feel like that's essentially what I did

With Lonely and Horny was I took a comedy And I directed it as if it were A drama Or at least a dramedy Yeah It really I can't even begin To think about what that would be

Writing a movie that's devoid of any joke Acting in a way Without being funny at all Even by accident once I feel like that would be a failure If we wrote Winter's Bone I think I would Consider myself a failure

I think that won an Oscar So That would be a good acceptance Speech If Winter's Bone didn't exist And we wrote Winter's Bone Do you think anybody would read it It would ever get made

No fucking chance No way No one wants to read our Winter's Bone Even if it was Winter's Bone Can we write a movie so Dramatically good that it would get made Is another funny question Can we plagiarize

Winter's Bone And send it to an executive that hadn't seen it And would they like it Yeah You know the movie Where the Beatles didn't exist And some guy was referencing the Beatles Or something

So we'd do that but with Winter's Bone So it's just a movie about Two guys that wake up in a world Having seen Winter's Bone But it doesn't exist We gotta fucking remember Like we just saw it last night Let's just write it

Nobody else Winter's Bone doesn't exist Me and you find out Winter's Bone doesn't exist We know we can write it But you haven't seen it in a long time And I only saw it once So we have to We have to just try to recreate it

We have this very muted secret power Yeah Now we're writing a comedy again That's right That's right Comedy by the way with the premise that already existed With the Beatles movie Yeah

Alright let's take another break Come back and we really gotta answer Some more questions otherwise I'm gonna win a fucking turdy I agree I mean this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah Yeah not just Father's Day

But if for any not so tech Savvy family member That you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames Might be the best of all time For me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why

As you know I am expecting My first child We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they're great

Really easy way to stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents Kitchen So you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo Yeah frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma

She was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit

Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant She misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like Could go either way By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool

And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an aura Thank you The aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device Anywhere and invite the whole family in On the fun through the aura app

Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool Or something that could be funny Like your banana or your dog Yeah Exactly You can even preload photos and add a personal video message That will display as soon as your dad

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That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com Check them out Thanks BetterHelp And we are back Brian Head writes What's the most intimidating fruit? It's gotta be pineapple, right?

That's exactly what I was gonna say It's really dangerous looking on the outside And once you slice it open and eat it It burns my tongue It's uncomfortable to eat What about a cocoa nut? A cocoa nut's pretty hard to That's a very hard wooden nut

You can't get into that By normal means A pineapple, it's tough But you can break that apart A cocoa nut, that shit You will not, you need an axe To get through it You could really meme yourself breaking into a cocoa nut

And the fruit inside Is not actually good It's a bunch of fucking nasty Water Do you like coconut water? No Do you like coconut flavored Desserts?

I like the flakes I will put some Cocoa nut flakes You keep saying cocoa nut It's coconut It's not cocoa Coconut Coconut

Cocoa nut I feel like I'm going crazy I'm going cocoa nuts Talking about it I like coconut flakes Ryan asked How do you manage the stress? I'm not done

Sure we already had We had pineapple and then we had a backup I think the watermelon is a little intimidating No, the watermelon is easy It's not easy to cut your own watermelon And there's a lot left over So it's a little intimidating because it's unwieldy And you don't know what to do with all of it

I would posit that watermelon is one of the easiest Most fun fruits to enjoy Oranges are harder than that You gotta fucking really pierce it without breaking the fruit Let's move on Ryan asked Davos DFSMTG How do you manage the stress and anxiety

In your life? What a real question It really is How do I manage it? What does anybody do? They just sort of do it I don't know I don't meditate

I guess I go for walks I don't know is that stress Management, anxiety management I think everybody Or at least I do a lot of different things There is not one catch all that is like I'm stressed, I'm gonna do this I think there's medicine for anxiety

Yeah If you have like crippling anxiety Or very severe anxiety, there's like actual medicine But I get anxious and I get stressed Remember when I had my panic attack Yeah So I think there's Throughout the day there's different things

That I do to help level any Like mounting pressure I think working out in the morning Runs, bike rides Things where you can like Bell or expend energy Sweat things out That always feels really good

I also manage my diet a little bit Because I realize that One of the triggers for me Feeling more anxious is like Being hopped up on caffeine And not having eaten enough So I move down to one cup of coffee And I make sure to eat

Enough throughout the day So like you would get Hangry slash anxious Or anxious for short Yeah, when I had my panic attack I had had two cups of coffee And had not had lunch or breakfast I hadn't eaten

Wow, so it's like a chemical thing Your brain is racing, yeah So I drink water, I eat At night I get like kind of black out drunk Or just like I try to be Kind of like A big one

Every night Yeah It's so dangerous It's not you managing your stress That sounds like your stress is too It also helps to talk to people It helps to talk to people That's what I was gonna say

Yeah, shout out better help Or any help really And a bath, shower Oh, baths are great, yeah Retail therapy Sometimes you just buy yourself something I lose myself in sports I turn off

My worrying brain And watch the fucking Tampa Bay Buccaneers Play the LA Rams I will watch the thunder Play the Bucs It doesn't matter as long as children Are playing a game

I'm enjoying it And you have cash riding on it, ideally Yes, ideally I'd have some scratch To make it interesting slash Pinteresting in addition to it Stress or anti-anxiety medication That's good Jordan asked, what do I order at

Bernie's? Is that still your go to? Yeah, no it It slowed down because of the disease Initially, Bernie's was closed for a long time But it is, it's open That is, that's my local I love Bernie's So what do you get? What should this person get?

What should Jordan get there? You really can't go wrong I think their burger is Incredibly You want to get the Modsticks for the table Don't sleep on their vinegar Chicken, as it were though

As well Unfortunate name What do you mean? The phrase vinegar chicken Doesn't inspire confidence in me Really, it inspires a lot of confidence in me I love salt and vinegar I guess it's the word vinegar

That makes me think I won't like it Well, but if It sounds like you might not like it Because It does have that vinegar tang That I like and maybe you don't What do you think is vinegar? Like, if I were to make it myself

How do you think I'm going about doing that? It's pronounced vinegar Really? Yeah A coconut vinegar Vinegar is An extract Okay Of

It's the vines It's vines and rinds Of the lemon tree I would say it's like Distilled Again, I don't know what that means But distilled salt water Salt water left out over time

That becomes almost thick in syrupy And Let's look up what it actually is An aqueous solution Of acetic acid and trace compounds That may include flavorings Okay Is it man-made?

Or can only gods Make vinegar Is vinegar naturally occurring? I thought vinegar was something like olive oil Or something Like you squeeze something and vinegar comes out I think you just start with water And you do something to it, I would think

Yeah Pasteurized vinegar Vinegar uses, I mean Vinegar? Okay, I will do that How to make Vinegar, bitch That's really cool, you don't have to write bitch

Yeah, I actually made the Results Super weird There's a YouTube video That is six and a half minutes long That has one of the most disgusting thumbnails Of how to make vinegar at home It does look like a bunch of orange rinds

Wow, chlorine or something Cool Guys, either making meth Vinegar or a pool A homemade vinegar recipe One and a half cups of dry red wine Half a cup of raw apple cider vinegar It sounds like you already have vinegar

Yeah, if one of the ingredients is vinegar That's cheating Yeah, definitely Ingredients A mother, either store bought or homemade So how do you make a fucking homemade Vinegar mother Now we're just going back to the vinegar

12 fluid ounces of wine or distilled water Or, okay Um, yeah It doesn't seem Look man, you can't do it You can't make vinegar It's not happening What food cuisine

You haven't tried yet that you would like to try someday A food cuisine An entire cuisine A food cuisine That I would like to try someday Yeah, I remember The food that you eat with your hands, like Ethiopian food Yeah, Ethiopian, that's good, I love Ethiopian food

That looks good I think it's funny because it's like basically our vibe There's no You know, you just like Basically get a ball of bread And dip it in different Like sauces and goose It's great

And the bread is good The bread is uniquely good It's spongy, what's it called I think it's called vinegar bread Really Yeah, vinegar Vinegar, yeah You're right

Interesting Okay, anyway That's one, the other one Yeah, I remember Looking at When I was super into Anthony Bourdain When I was watching all my Tony shows

He was on the eastern coast of Africa And they were like cooking This delicious looking fish Over a fire, and I would want to eat that Just east fucking Classic East African fish cuisine Fish on a beach, man, that's my shit Yeah, I feel like

You've had that before Growing up in Connecticut Yeah, but it's not the same You have fished? Yes, I have fished Where did you fish? I fished I fished a bunch, I mean

I was like into fishing when I was a kid My parents bought me a fishing rod I practiced my cast Out in the yard You casted with a rod? Yeah, I went to Brantford The Long Island Sound Did you ever grab a fish

And then cook it and eat it right then and there Um I've definitely Done that Later in life where I like went on a Fishing trip with like My friends or my brothers friends or my cousins I'm gonna get you

A fishing rod For Thanksgiving And I want you to go deep sea The kind where it's just you alone In that wooden house I'm not super into fishing now So I want to create A hobby for you where you would go to the house

The cold house I don't want you to create It's weird, right? That you would create a hobby for me It's this weird form of control That you seem to be into That I'm actually against I want you to owe me one

Yeah I want you to change your life I don't want you to think about my free time Okay Okay Just picture me always busy How's that? Don't worry about me

Picture me busy Slash Rolling Um Alright a few last questions What's your phone wallpaper asked Eric Arman It's pretty funny It's been the same one for a very long time actually

It's just a picture of Half Dome From when I went to Yosemite It was in 2016 It's actually basically always been A nature picture of Yosemite That's cool It was one that I took on a trip with my brother

Back in like 2011 And then I went there again with Jillian And I replaced it with another Newer photo Mine is Pam Anderson holding Cash to her tits And on the bottom it reads Be the man

Because you are the man And she's straddling A Lamborghini Slash Ferrari And in the background Straddling it? Her legs I think are broken And in the background

Is a fucking volcano And an eagle is fucking it And at the top it says Are you the man yet? Say you are It's a lot of text Also weird because if it's at the top It says are you the man yet?

Say that you are And then later As your eyes scroll down you see Pam Then it says be the man Actually mine is this Picture of Avital and Marty playing basketball At Head Gum

That's a much better background than it was Before because it was just A photo of your front door My joke That it was your home screen That's right my home screen Was my home screen Which actually doesn't work

Because it was your lock screen Which is why I changed it to A picture of a lock And I made my home screen What is your unlock screen That's what it's really all about It's just the bank of America logo To remind me that

That you owe Tens of thousands of dollars On a bad parlay It's a It's a mortgage payment Late due and it's sort of a reminder for me Actually I was thinking of funny A lock screen

Is your vaccination pass So if anybody ever asks you just sort of Lift up your phone and it's there It's kind of sad to see but it's convenient I added mine to my wallet Yeah I was able to do that If you add it to the wallet it's just a double tap So that's pretty streamlined

Double tap is nice but what if it was Yeah just a straight up lock screen But then you'd have to clear off all your notifications Imagine you go to a bar You walk there they ask Show me your Vax and then you hold up your phone And you just like Show all of your like

Badge alerts You don't want to see that you have to clear It's actually less convenient Than the double tap My alerts are pretty embarrassing too Yeah Overdue All of them showing up over the

Be the man Are you the man yet? Do you want to buy a new Nintendo Fucking wall mount Like just weird fucking things that I signed up for Months ago coming back to Hot my ass Blocking Pam

A block chain notification Lift I don't even use lift that much anymore But there's sort of somebody sign me up to be a Driver so I get like Pings that like You can get signed up to be a driver That's awesome

All right do you have any final questions that you see First international place you'll visit Post COVID I think we answered that one before XO Jupiter Yeah I don't know I think I said Iceland I've been craving Iceland but also I kind of want to go to Italy so maybe there

But now COVID is fucking Worse in Europe than it's ever been What the hell is going on? How is that possible? I don't know But are they should be coming here? Are the cases big or are the hospitalizations big? Because that's really what it's all about If the vaccines are working the cases can go up

As long as everyone's Doesn't die I think the cases are record like Highest it's ever been but then Places that have been vaccinated is like The hospitalizations And the cases have uncoupled but then there are some Countries that are like us where

It's not enough Unfortunately That's why I'm going to Orlando Post COVID Bring a bunch of doses See if you can just jab people while you're there You must be this vax to get on the rides Last question do you have anything?

Yes when are you releasing your own crypto And NFTs Oh god way never Maybe never I don't know it seems like a really hard Slash dangerous And Controversial thing to get into Is like creating your own NFT and crypto

We joked about doing it When we got the rights to Jake and Amir back Because there really wouldn't be anything funnier To me than making One almond A NFT that is actually worth Something

One of one Maybe we'll do a single one almond NFT that somebody could buy Sell if necessary That's what I want to see Alright that's it What was it 27 questions up 27 down

The perfect game Congratulations Happy Thanksgiving To those who celebrated happy holidays They're coming up happy December We fucking made it the end of 2021 I had to think about what year Is it 2021

That seems kind of weird that it's going to be 2022 soon Yeah I think it's weird Because like a lot of people You know you think that not a lot happened But a lot actually did happen We just have a weird way of processing Things because of all of this

Like it's like pandemic and election Are the two big benchmarks and everything else In between is like sort of Amorphous blob If we all sat down and like made a list You'd realize that a lot of shit happened And 2021 might have even been a nice year For you

Remember to do that Right down the good stuff that happened And honestly I think 2022 That's going to be the year Everyone was hoping that 2021 would be the year But like 2022 is definitely going to be the year Every year is going to be ups and downs 2020 had more

Downs than ups for sure To be sure Let's just hope for the normal downs and ups in 2022 Doesn't have to be great Just has to be fine I'll take fine I'll take fine in a heartbeat I really like the opening theme song

Which was the Kodachrome parody I know you did, it's a great song So let's play it again, William Atkinson Big man Billy from England Thank you, thank you for the Kodachrome Thank you guys for the questions If you've got your own theme songs or questions Send them on down to IfIWareYouShow

At gmail.com Still making new videos Every week on our Patreon Making new Jake and Amir episodes At jakeandamir.com That'll forward you to our YouTube channel So check those out as well Thanks giving to you guys

For listening to all these episodes Watching all this stuff We appreciate it And we'll be back next week Bye everybody What if I told you I was in love With the chipmunk

And the guy Who goes by Josh the pinch If I were you Liquid nice Be my love Shrew will meet me Under the covers

And teach me April 69 At a rave Oh yeah I need help With these feelings In need of some advice You can say

If I were you Show gmail today Thanks for watching