If I Were You - 518: Succession

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

We are back and discussing stinky trains, strong baseball players, and, of course, Succession.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. I wanted to talk to you about something, because I still like succession. But I think, I actually have a problem with the last three episodes. If I can be quite frank. Two Jews, helping those in sticky situations. Giving advice while making jokes and fighting for the Golden Mike Bay. Also love a certain cable series. They're both obsessed and won't shut up about it on their podcast.

And you can be, I don't know, fucking Logan's assistant that's probably glowing. That's not that. Happy Succession Sunday. Hell yeah, it's weird to be remixed with something you said really recently. I feel like a lot of the time when we hear the remixes, it's like me going yeah, or whatever.

Game Boy stuff. I don't quite even remember saying some of it. That's weird. It's a weird feeling. And tonight, this is the succession finale, so by the time this episode comes out, everything might be changed. Kendall might be dead. Do you think he's going to die? I don't. I don't. You think they're tipping it off too much that now the smart thing to do is to not kill him? I think so, but I don't know man. I guess if I were, basically I wouldn't take this bet

I really don't know, but since I have to, I'll go ahead and say I don't think he is. Even though I spent all week thinking he is. Maybe that's why. Because I initially thought he was, and now I've come back around. You've also never killed basically any main character. This isn't like the wire breaking bad where it's like, holy shit, they killed off this character. They've never killed anybody really. Yeah, but they have been hinting at Kendall's demise for quite a while. Yeah, we just don't know if it's going to be a physical or metaphysical demise. That's true. That's exactly right.

Alright, well no spoilers because we, again, it hasn't aired yet so we can't even spoil it if we want to. Did you read that? Wait, what do you think? I think it'll be too obvious if they kill him at this point. It's like, yeah, he looked dead and he's constantly looking down and like often thinking about suicide and saying like, I'm just in a really good place or like, I'm not evil like you. And it just like, it seems like succession is so smart that when they do kill someone, we will never see it coming. Like in this episode, Logan will die or some shit like that.

Right, so then the counter argument is that like the fake out is also kind of dumb. Basically it's like, this is bad if he's dead. I think that's like kind of lame and if he's not, I think it's especially lame. Because it's like, what the hell have you been doing? Right, like why did you try to orchestrate some weird like fan fake out for everybody to like freak out for the week leading up to the finale? You never know what the fan reaction is going to be like. A few

theories get floated and it becomes like everyone thinks this thing, but it's like a group think just because like a bunch of people read the Jeremy Strong piece and they're like, oh, that means he's going to die because like he talks about this being the culmination or the best part or the end of or something like that. Interesting. I don't know. I guess I'm back on the train of thinking he's dead. Let's go with my gut. Okay, so you say dead, I say not dead. Yeah, I'm also surprised. Like this is episode 10.

So there's only nine episodes this year. That's not right, man. That's not fair. Well, maybe it's like a COVID thing. They're like, we spent so much extra money on those nine episodes that's like 10. They did it with Game of Thrones too. The last season was like eight episodes or something. I was rewatching the Sopranos or not rewatching. I was watching for the first time watching the Sopranos and those seasons were like 12, 13 episodes. Yeah, that was like the first one. They had to like

they sort of had to match what network dramas were and then as these shows became more prestigious, they started making less and less of them. Yeah, I think that's a little messed up because it's like 10, it's nine episodes, then it takes two years. It's just it's not fair because I like it. We need more. We need more so I can hate on it. Why is that? Yeah, why don't they do the network approach which is sort of milking everything into the ground until the point where the episode quality starts slipping and then by episode

148, we don't like the show anymore. That's what they should do. Perfect. That'd be perfect. Is Sopranos as good as everyone says it is? Yes, I think so, but it's also hard for me to get. It's a lot. It's a long it's a long show and it's like I'm still in the first season and it was made a long time ago so I can kind of it doesn't feel like prestige. I mean, it's not even HD, right? It's like shot in the 90s. Yeah, and it is very, very 90s

but I like it a lot. I'm coming around to it. I really like the characters and I'm sure that by the end I'll totally love it. Yeah, it seems like everyone says that that's like on the Mount Rushmore. Yeah, if not the best. I also haven't seen it. So I buy it. Anyway, that succession theme song was written by Giorgio. If you could give me a shout out the two guys that helped me remix it Okay, Nina, Kleena and fully zipped G.

Fully zipped G. I like that a lot. Yeah, not a half zip or a lower zip or a fly down G. This guy is 100% zipped up all the way as a G still. So, respect. All right, well, this is a fire you the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I am Amir. I am Jake and this is a Sunday December 12th. It's almost live. We're recording it. I'll edit and fucking throw

this online but still not quite succession in time for right. Just know that like we are caught up. So like don't think that this is like a dated or old episode at all. Like for example, I can tell you with great certainty that Max Verstappen is the world champion for Formula One. That happened this morning. Is that your guy? It's not my guy but it's a guy. My guy wasn't in the running. Carlos Sainz. He had a great race. He came in third

fifth in the drivers championship so that was good. And were you happy with the Verstappen W? Not entirely. I wanted there to not be a controversy. I wanted a clean W for whoever won. And there was a controversy? There's a controversy. I'd consider it a controversy. How can there be a controversy and it's like a car crossing a line?

Well because there's so many rules in Formula One and it's all happening as these cars are driving like 200 miles per hour around a track. So like somebody will like go over a barrier and cut somebody off and then the stewards who are watching the race will like radio to the race control people and the team radio and be like they have to give that position back so the person has to slow down and let the car pass. Somebody will like clip somebody or edge them out and they'll get

a five second penalty or something. It's even weirder than like other sports because with instant replay you can kind of be like oh this person's foot was out of bounds or this is a foul. You can review it. But it's basically like just a straight up court case every single time. Like they actually go to court the next day? There was literally lawyers present for like the stewards decision and the arguments after the race. Jesus that's awesome. They're like citing the rules

and shit. So yeah it's not like I didn't want there to be a controversy and now they're taken. Someone is being taken to court for it. Yeah but it's over. They made the decision for Stapinia as the champion. And a judge made that decision? The race director, the stewards or Michael Massey, the god. Jesus. I love a good court decision ruling. In sports? Yes. That's the best part. Like my favorite thing about baseball was the

steroid scandal. Yes you loved the fucking the grand jury testimony of Mark McGuire. Saying he doesn't quite remember. Even though his forearms were thicker than a human leg if he actually took human growth hormones. The rocket. Do you remember the year that you became the home run record the champion? Actually no. Your head is just a robbing man. Just look at it. How does your forehead get

redder and thicker? That doesn't make sense Mark. In my memory now I can't recall what the difference is between Mark McGuire and Stone Cold Steve Austin. They're one and the same to me. Yeah McGuire has red hair but like really really tall red hair. So like he has a huge forehead and red hair on top and then a goat T. I guess Steve Austin sort of has a goat T as well. Right yeah that's the thing. They are the same man. But McGuire's forearms were just absolutely different. They were thick.

McGuire's forearms hit different. Specifically for 61 homers. Or was it 62? What's the record? Yeah the record was 61 and he got to 70. He just sort of said going going gone to that record. It was enough already. And it was cool and now people are sort of debating whether or not he should be in the Hall of Fame. Actually the judges from the fucking race are dealing with that issue next if you can believe it. It's kind of interesting because like in theory I mean he wasn't the only person on steroids

so everyone was on steroids and only he could hit 70 homeruns. Yeah he was still the best but then when everyone got on steroids he was just the best plus historically great. Yeah and then like a few years later Barry Bonds is like you know on steroids I can probably get 70 and he's like alright let's see it and then he got to 73 homeruns. Yeah. Here I just sent you a picture of McGuire just fucking I mean look at this guy. He is pure American

made, thick, Rob Gronkowski, tight end, calves forearms, biceps, chest. He has legs for arms and arms for days. And he gets to swing a bat and makes contact. You better believe it's going yard. We talked too much about Patrick Rafter and not enough about Mark McGuire. It would be funny to just become Mark McGuire stands now. 25 years after he was sort of dishonorably discharged from major league

baseball. I mean your boy Giambi was the same. These are all fucking roided out, sweaty, absolute monsters. These guys were units. That's what I'm saying. We're absolute unit of a baseball player. Sammy Sosa same deal. I mean I honestly. Everybody made a big deal about the corked bat. Remember when Sosa's bat exploded and it was corked? It's like whoa dude you put a little rubber in that bat. It's like yeah well everyone else is on fucking steroids. So sorry for giving myself an edge.

And like how much of an edge could that really do? Just to like instead of wood all the way through there's a little bit of a cork inside it. Like it's got to be ounces of a different. It's not helping you. Whereas also shit that you're allowed to do like wearing gloves or putting tar on your bat. Like you could imagine that just as easily somebody would be like you really shouldn't. You're not allowed to wear gloves because it gives you too good of a grip. Yeah alright well that's part of it. I have the good grips. Like we shouldn't have the cork in the bat. It makes the ball pop. It's like well what if the ball is just that's fine

right? What's the tar for? There was always it was really interesting to see like there was tar all over the like the bottom of the bat. It wasn't even the barrel right? Yeah it was on the bottom of the bat. What is tar? I think it was about getting the grip. You want that fucking you don't want the bat to like fly out of your hands. You got to hold it. That's the most important thing in baseball. You think we can fucking hit a dinger? You think we can go to at least a little league ballpark and hit a few dingers or it's too

much leg strength, too much technique that we just don't have. I think a little league we could hit a dinger. We could hit a dinger. I have hit a dinger in a little league thing before. Oh really? I feel like I could do it again. Not as a little leaker. No. As a 16 year old. As a 16 year old fucking around with my friends on the field I used to play little league and I went yard. Wow. You fucking hit a grand salami. What was it? It was in a grand

I think I don't even think anybody was. T-ball soft pitch under hand. It was just soft pitch. I guess like a homerun derby style thing. Down the left. Did you pull it or did you go center field Hurwitz? Jesus. I didn't know you had it in you. Yeah, forget it. Did you fucking go off? You fucking went off. I was on steroids. I was on Roids. Oh my god. I was on HGH.

You had the cream and the clear. You had the tar. You had the gloves and you had the corked. I had the corked. The worst of all it was corked. Your gloves were corked. You had a corked hair and bat. It didn't help. I was fully corked. Instead of a hand, I was using two corks. And I was also hitting a cork instead of a ball. And I wasn't really playing with my friends. They were all corks.

There's no fucking way any of this is true. I didn't have real friends when I was a kid. What did you have? Corks. What does that even fucking mean? Like little rubber corked wine bottle stoppers were your friends? Wine bottle stoppers were my friends. My best friends at that. My boys. There's no way one of them pitched. Corky. Corky pitched. They should have all been named that. Why?

Because you said they were all corks. One of them pitched to you. That cork's name was Corky. What was the one? Corky. Who was in first base then? Dan. Cork. Corky the corky. Corky the corky. Corky the corky. Corky the corky. Cork was also a cork. All right. Enough about fucking Formula One. Enough about baseball actually.

I'm realizing we didn't find any questions for this episode. God, I feel so underprepared. If only there was someone who could help us out. Maybe we can have a guest in the second act to help us find some questions in some sort of game style scenario. Oh, holy shit! Did you say game? You've gotten so old. I feel like I haven't seen you in five years.

Yeah, there's someone saying game. Wow, you haven't been watching The Sophrano. I guess Game Boyz were watching it too or something. You talking shit about Corky? Game Boyz grew up with you. How does he know Corky? And why is he talking like that? Also, how did he age? Isn't he a computer? He has a gut. Computer? He's balding. Game Boyz had a really sad pandemic actually. He started staying at home. You heard of a come up?

Or a glow up? This is a power down. A dim down. Game Boyz is old. He had a dim year. Yes, he's bulbous. He's like an old iMac. An absolute clamshell of a computer man. Oh! Alright, let's take a break, come back and we'll play some games with the Game Boyz. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it

and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of the decade. Excuse me, I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great?

Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right, and if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Come on. Yes, this is their best offer yet and we know it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium, or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one

and if you go to helixsleep.com. That's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online Stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace

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scale. Wow. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com you click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you Stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. No time for unsolicited advice and frankly no wisdom for unsolicited advice. That's right. We're going to have to live our lives a little bit and so we can do some things that we can

recommend. As of now you guys know everything we're up to. Yeah, I did start water picking again. Interesting. Okay, so we've gone full circle. You went full circle. You went full circle. All the other stuff and now we're back to water. I didn't even know you stopped. Yeah, I stopped. It was too bulky. It was tough to carry around when I was bouncing between places while we were working on our house. Yeah, now that you have it. So when you're living out of a dock kit, you have to make choices. So the the old water pick fell by the wayside but now we're back. We're back and it feels good. Is it a strong boy?

Is it like hurting the first time you used it because it's been a while? It hurt the first time you used it but now it feels good. It's nice to have non-tender gums. Yeah, I mean we both went to the dentist recently. We talked about it on our Patreon. Oh wait, yeah that hasn't come out yet but there's an episode coming out where we don't watch anything we just wax. Yeah, we wax about wax floss. What order do you do it in? Brush, floss, water pick. I think I do floss

then water pick. Yeah, floss, water pick, brush. Wow, brush last. Yeah, because the floss is to dislodge. You get all any of the deep stuff. The water pick sprays out what you've dislodged and now it's time to brush. Then you polish. Yeah. I go brush first because it starts off the journey. The adventure begins with a brushing, a tooth brushing and the big chunks that we go in that way. Wait, what I'm saying is actually, I think it's

there's a logic behind it. Your reason for starting with the brush. There's a logic. Absolutely a logic. You said the brush starts the journey. That's an emotional logic. I could say that about the floss. It's like imagine you're six years old. What are you doing? You're not flossing. You're not even water picking yet. It's the brush. The brush is the crush. You crush the brush. You're just making up rhymes to make your original sin. That's the let's fucking get it started now. Let's get it brushed in here and then

you know when you're painting Alice, you do the big shit first and then you do the fine tooth comb after. You do a little bit of the detail. That's the floss. Okay, now let's get in between the nooks and the crannies. Everything that the brush missed, everything that the sun touches will be mine and that's what the floss does. But actually, if you're talking about painting your house, you would have to clean the house before you paint it and that's what the floss and the water pick is doing. You're spraying down the surface. You're cleaning out the crevices so the brush can actually hit all of those surfaces.

Otherwise, you're just painting a dirty house and then after you're washing it, it's like, well, wait, I painted over these twigs. I painted them. Dirt. The last part, yeah, the last part is... After it all, I sort of... The water pick. That says like, okay. Cause that's the end of the journey. Is that why you do it last? It's absolutely. The last thing I added to the routine is the first thing that I see every time that I'm finishing getting ready for bed that night. And if I'm feeling frisky, I will do a mouthwash and repeat

the process again. I will start from scratch as in I will scratch my teeth down to the enamel, the root of the issue. And I'll give myself a little amateur root canal. The end of the night. As a way of getting ready for bed. Yeah. The last thing I do before going to sleep is I give myself a crown. Cause then I rest my crown on my pillow. And then if there's time, I'll do a fucking ivory roll. You know, like the

jade roller that you have. That's right. Oh, I have to get my jade roller back out there. I simply must do that. What about routine for a Game Boy search? That's cool. Should I search that? I do like talking routines. Yeah. Everyone's got a very specific to them routine. Cause it's so individualized and you rarely see what other people do. It's truly you versus the elements. I remember when I found out that some people stand up when they shit and wipe. They stand up when they shit. Yeah. So they'll like hover above

the seat. I stand up to shit and I sit down to wipe. I couldn't believe my eyes. Alright, I'm searching routine. You know what's weird? I actually, I used to always stand up to wipe and then I found out that some people sit down to wipe when I was like in high school. Yeah, that's what I remember being like, this is crazy. And it was you that was telling me that. Yeah. But then I, I don't know when I changed, but I can't imagine doing it. Like standing up is fucking bonkers. It doesn't make sense because it's closing the doors. You need to get the doors wide open. That's why a lot of

toilet seats are actually concave and it's shaped in a way that actually spreads your ass cheeks wider. Yeah. No, thank you. I'm not even joking. This is you as a toilet salesman. So look at this, like what you're seeing here is a flat seat. Imagine me popping a squat Indian style. Sorry. Welcome to the Kohler showroom. And taking a shit on the ground. That's basically what you're doing every time you're not using a ridged slash angled

toilet seat. There's dozens of routine questions. That makes sense. Yeah. Do you have anything more esoteric, slightly more obscure than routine? I think I have a little one that's more zeitgeist. So I think there's going to be several. Okay. But I want to use the word booster. Oh, interesting. Like a booster vaccine question. That's correct. That's pretty good. Yeah. A lot of boosters. I guess we get a lot of spam and coronavirus updates. That makes sense.

That'll happen. Let me see if there's any questions about booster shots. Yeah, that's what we need. Did you get your booster, by the way? No, that's why it's on my mind. I'm literally trying to schedule it right now. Schedule? Then it should be. In LA, you just walk in, you say, give me the boost and they're like, all right, here you go. Yeah, I thought I'd be able to do that here, but I walked into like two different pharmacies. I walked into a CVS. They won't do it without an appointment. So I'm trying to make an appointment. There is a place that I could walk in, but it's only Moderna

and there's something that irks me about getting the booster that's not the same as my original shot. Yeah. You would think the different companies make the same medicine. Your body should be doing the same thing, right? Yeah, but everybody I know that got the Moderna one was kind of laid up the next day. Did you get Moderna or Pfizer? I got the Moderna and it did hurt me, actually. See, I'm trying to get, I want the Pfizer booster because that's the OG shot that I got and I felt fine.

You don't want booster, like a diet booster. You want your body to fucking tremble the next day under the weight of the antibodies it's creating. You want to be holed up, sweaty, scared and in pain. That way you know the medicine's doing its job. Interesting. I don't know if I want that. Speaking of mercy, I'll search the word mercy. Oh. Man, we are not doing well today. This one has 40. At least it's not dozens and dozens. My God. Here's the first unread message question about

mercy. Oh, this is pretty good. It was written in December so it's about the holidays, just a different year. Great. So I get on my train to go home for Christmas dinner and I can't wait. New town to get my Tinder on and oh yeah, I get to see my family too. So I get onto the train and I get all snug onto my seat and a random seat mate sits down next to me. From the moment he sat down, my nostrils were burning. Oh, mercy. There's that word. There it is. As far as smelling like you've never been

exposed to soap or any sort of hygiene, this guy's a beast in that regard. Without pulling him out of barb soap and staring at him without blinking until he got what I wanted, I was stumped for what to do. I ultimately decided to sit in the washroom for nearly half the trip and it was noticeably better smelling. Yes. Aside from intentionally getting a cold and stuffing up your sinuses before I travel again, what do I do in the future? Thank you. Wow. Yeah. First of all, you should never sit in the

bathroom because people want to use the bathroom. Sitting there for a half hour is very selfish. That's fucked up. Speaking of someone that has a very small bladder, let me finish. That might have been more than half an hour is what I was trying to say. And you were kind of done. Talk to me like that. I'm going to cut your mic. That's like a weird fucking punishment for doing this power trip

that you thought you had. I didn't realize that you were kind of like okay. Now I'm going to make your voice sound sort of bizarre. Please don't. You're a loser to these people. It will last for the rest of the episode. I'd really rather it didn't. I apologize. I apologize. All right, fine. I won't do any of that stuff. But yeah, he sat on a toilet. It's really hard to use a bathroom on a train, I find. Yeah. It's moving too much. It's a lot of hither and thither. You don't want to sit on the seat.

You don't want to like stand over it. You don't want to like lift the seat. What I usually do is lean against the wall, fully against the wall. That's cool. Like you're a cool dude. Yeah, forearm against the back wall. So you're not trying to aim out. You're basically just aiming. All you need to do then, as someone with a penis anyway, you just aim it straight down. Yeah. And you have a dick that goes straight. You don't even have to aim it down. Your dick sort of dangles off your person. It's always down. Like truck nuts almost. You have a truck nut dick, don't you?

I mean, I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn. You are speaking out of turn a little bit actually. To say that I have a truck nut dick. Also yeah, everyone's nuts and dick are going down. Yeah, but yours like face down. Yours is like, it's basically the equivalent of having a sharpie dangling from your grundle. Like from soup to nuts, it's absolutely perpendicular to your taint. Like it's on the bottom. Like it's on my taint instead of on my mom's pubis. Instead of being on my mound, it's under my mound.

That's what you're saying. You're your wreath that is next to my asshole. Straight vertically like a lowercase L. Cause you're a capital L loser. Are you still mad for the let me finish thing? Not next question. Of course. Not next question. Because we didn't answer this one, but society and the world have answered it for him or them. We are talking about masks on mass transit. That's right. That's right. Forever. So it's free COVID. So now

masks are actually coming in handy. Today I was in Home Depot and I farted. That's funny. Yeah. And I was like, that's fine because I'm in a mask and everyone around me is in a mask and it won't smell. And then it smelled so rancid. I needed to run from the aisle because I'm like, this penetrates the mask. It's too bad. So there are smells that can penetrate the mask, but I think that like just body odor, I think that you're actually going to be okay. You're saying

an N95 can't handle the fart, but it can handle the mask. I mean, if you're wearing, I was wearing a cloth mask, but if you're wearing an N95 I think you're going to be all right. Yeah. So yeah, when you're traveling just it's super normal now. You can just wear a mask. All right. Do you have a where to search? Yeah. I want to go with stocking. Holiday themed. Oh, I thought you meant like stocking somebody. No, STO, CK, ING. STO, CK, ING.

16 questions, only one unread, but it looks like a spam. Let's see, 16 questions. Some of them have not been answered before. Perfect. Let's see if there's one that's a holiday themed stocking. Cause it's like, you know, we want that at a boy. Yeah. Yeah, we do. Oh, interesting. This one has questions about like lingerie

stockings. Is that how you spell it? STO, CK, ING, or did she do a typo? No, I think that's how you spell it. Yeah, that's how you spell it. Let's answer the lingerie one. Sounds hot. Here's the situation. I'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. We're both in our 20s and don't have a ton of sexual experience. And early in our relationship, he would casually mention that he likes fishnets, stockings, and other types of lingerie. Longerie, dude. Whatever. So one day I decided to wear it for him. Everything went great until we were having sex

and he couldn't come. Uh-oh. I figured he might be too nervous or tired. So I didn't want to read too much into it. He kept mentioning after that he'd like it if I wore lingerie again. Not in a pushy way, just mentioning it. So one night I show up to his house wearing the only lingerie and heels under a long jacket. Everything was great until he had the same problem as before. I asked him about it and he didn't seem to see the pattern. Again, he continued to hint that he likes when I wear it but every time I do he can't finish. Does he not find me attractive in it? Why does he keep asking me to wear it if it doesn't work for him? Should I ignore him and not wear

lingerie? He has, uh, this has never been a problem before and only happens when I'm wearing lingerie. I don't understand what's going on here. Please help. That's really interesting. I feel like a fetish for being flaccid for not finishing. A fetish where I don't finish. Yes. Imagine that. I like to go limp to be cocked on the day. By God. Well, here's the, I had, I guess like I maybe need more information because well, I have two different answers. One is

if it's only twice, I don't think that's enough of a pattern to say this always happens. Interesting. Twice is not a pattern. It's happened twice. It's the beginning of a pattern, but let's see if it happens thrice. Twice is nice, but thrice, that's the price. Well, that's the what? The price. The price for what? For it being a pattern. The price. I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't perfect but I'll do, I'll say that it's a golden mic just because someone has to win it.

Someone has to win it and you said lingerie. So yeah. As a goof. Stumble through the question. As an absolute goof. That wasn't a goof. You didn't know how to spell stocky. You didn't know how to say lingerie. And I came up with a four word rhyme. Twice is nice, but thrice is price. That's like not bad. How about twice will suffice, but thrice is nice. That's pretty good. But I would say twice will suffice. Well, actually, twice won't

suffice. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. That's what I said. Twice is nice. No, you said twice will suffice. Then you said three is nice. That's what you said. Well, what's better, to be nicer to suffice. Suffice is more important. No, twice won't suffice, but thrice, that's nice. I don't know. It will suffice. It will be on suffice. Because it's nice. Twice won't suffice.

Twice isn't nice. I'm saying twice isn't even nice in this instance. It's kind of nice. Because it doesn't show. It establishes something. It's the beginning of a pattern. It's the beginning of a pattern, but that's why I won't suffice. Twice is nice. But thrice, that'll suffice. That's fine. But I think twice won't suffice. But thrice, that's nice. That's workshopping. I get the golden mic. We didn't do it together. I fucking laid the groundwork. You fucking futst around on the margins

and think that you made something, but you didn't do shit. You double spaced the paper and think you wrote it. You didn't even do the fucking bibliography, quite frankly. The work cited. I don't think so, man. You hit print. That's what you did. You did it yourself, right? This is you in a mirror. Good. First of all, I just don't entirely know if it's only twice, I don't think that will suffice. If you're having fun, you're not having fun

right now. But as long as you're having fun with the lingerie, I think you could give it another try and see if it works. If it happens a third time, then I think you've already had the initial conversation. You've already brought it up, which is the most you can do right now. If it happens a third time, then you don't even have to bring it up. You get to be like, see what I meant. You can maybe even hit him with the rhyme a little bit. Twice was not nice, but I think thrice will suffice.

That's really noticeable pattern wise. I guess when you say it to him, it's pretty hot. I didn't realize how hot it was until you said it to him. All right, one more break. Come back, find some more. We got to do better than this on the next act of If I Were You. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode,

but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. Correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for

Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really

iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A U R A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to 30 dollars off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A U R A Frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parent something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for 30 dollars off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief

questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying

rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. We've returned Hello Game Boy. Yes. I think it's my turn to play the game. That's correct. You know, it's funny. We have the Game Boy here, but he doesn't really play.

He just sort of the mascot in the background while we play a game. Hmm. Interesting. Yeah. What about Zaddy? As I think there's going to be a lot. I think there's going to be a lot. And if you want Game Boy to start playing, I hold on. Let me get him. Oh, I think there's going to be a lot of Zaddy. Oh, there's one. I won the game. No, there's not. Fucking liar. I don't know what to tell you, man. There's one on July

19th, 2019. For Zaddy? That's right. Nobody has used the word Zaddy except for this one person. And he called us Zaddy. Take a screenshot. That's unbelievable. That's insane. Now that we mention it, every email is going to start with that. But yeah, check it out. Wow. Wow. In the first, the email preview here, should I make my pants a smelly wreck in

hopes? Should I make my pants a smelly wreck? The rest of the title makes even less sense. Should I make my pants a smelly wreck in hopes to beat Bill Belichick? Huh. Maybe that was just a rhyme with him. Yeah. I would say so. Dearest Zaddy and Zdeb Zaddy. Pretty good. Let me start off by saying I'm a Die Hard Kansas City Chiefs fan and we don't have a strong history of postseason success.

Anyway, I'm pretty superstitious. So when my team tries to win, I question the lucky thing I did. It's a very long question, but the question is should he keep wearing the same dirty underwear in order to beat the New England Patriots in the playoffs? Yeah, I guess. Wow. That's pretty interesting. I think it is interesting. I've had experiences where when I wear something

it's good luck, but then the good luck, it always runs out. It always runs out. You're not actually in control. It gives you some semblance of comfort because you're scared of something that's out of your control. So you sort of pretend in a way that you can, but just give yourself a new one. Like I have to wash my underwear before every single game or they'll lose. And then you'll do laundry. Oh, that's good. So you sort of justify it, but in a way that's ultimately good for good to have.

Yeah. When I have a salad for lunch, my team will win. Exactly. So since it means nothing, just do something that's healthier that you need to do. Let's see when the, because that was written in 2019 and the Chiefs won the Super Bowl. Let me see when that was. They lost last year. That was in 20. Did they win the 2020 Super Bowl? They beat the Niners one year. Right.

I think that was 2020. That was 2019. So this guy is already writing after a Super Bowl championship. So I mean, maybe his system worked. I mean, he didn't switch his undies and Pat Mahomes led them to a come from behind Super Bowl victory. Yeah. Well, then at the very least you can look at the fact and he means like the next. Oh wait, I take that back. They won in February of 2020. So he did need to do that. So maybe if he did

keep his underwear on and because it was the 2019 season, this email was written before the season, the Chiefs won the Super Bowl. So we can ask for a follow up. Ask him if he did it and he must think that he almost forced it to happen. Yeah. And that, I mean, so that's the answer. If you didn't wash and they won, then you actually should keep doing that. But if you caved and you washed your underwear and they won, then the curse is broken. That's pretty good. And his name that he gave was Travis Smelsy. That's pretty good.

That's good. Very nice. So it's like a smelly Travis Kelsey. Damn, that's really good. And I have to fucking write this guy back. Hey, sorry for the two year delay, but we searched Zaddy found your email and I'm wondering if you ended up not switching your underwear during this historic Chiefs run. Yeah. And he's like, Oh, actually, I stopped listening to your podcast and I hate you guys. Really? Take that episode down. Well, answer the question sir. I'm really curious if you changed your hello, he blocked me. So now I just become a weird guy asking about your underwear

because I'm not even a fucking podcaster to you. I'm a guy that you don't like. Have you ever done that's correct. Super superstitious things. Do you do you believe in that stuff when it comes to sporting events? Yeah, when I was when I was younger and I was like a huge Yankees fan, I had to knock on wood so obsessively that I literally brought a tiny little cork would I brought a tiny little woodblock from my dad's workshop with me to

every single baseball game that I went to because I would go to a bunch of baseball games and I would bring a little woodblock in my jacket. Yeah, I bet you had a little woodblock every time Mariana fucking saved the game, right? Enter Sandman. I had a hard on with my truck nuts. It's nice. It's a shame he ended up being sort of a Trump supporter after all that. Yeah, that wasn't ideal, but you have to imagine most baseball players are.

Not Pettit, not Pettit. That guy seems like he's got a good head on his shoulders. Not Lucina. He's the one from Texas. Pettit was actually Ambassador to Luxembourg under Trump, so I think he was. I think I was thinking of Moose. He went to Stanford, right? Yeah, Moose went to Stanford. That's what I'm thinking of. I'm not really superstitious, but I do often think whenever I listen to a basketball game on the radio, like a Laker game on the radio, they never play well and I'm just listening to them.

I really need to be watching them to have my support. Whenever I'm just listening to a game, I just hear the away crowd going crazy and the Lakers can't seem to score and I think maybe I'm partly responsible for being a fair weather fan here in this situation, but I have to get to this funeral and I feel bad streaming the game on my fucking spectra map. So you're sitting in the bathroom and you don't have your headphones, but you do want to listen to the audio, so you just keep repeatedly flushing the toilet so people sort of drowns out the noise and people don't hear the commentary.

That's right. They just think I'm just some fucking deviant and they're constantly flushing, using the water almost as a makeshift bidet to wipe my little bum bum. Alright, since I won the game, I guess we can call it there. Wow. I guess so. Exit Ep. Plus, we got to go watch the succession finale. It's happening in an hour. Oh my god. Do you want me to text you as soon as I find out because I'll probably watch it before you. Well, what I do is watch the

last five minutes first so I can tweet about it because everyone else is sort of watching it and live tweeting it. So I'll fast forward to the end and be like, oh my god, funeral at 58 15. You guys are going to fucking cream your jeans when you get here. Screen grab, TikTok, live stream. People think I started watching by 15 because I'm already on the last screen. They think that you've got a screener. That's the fucking goal. That's the fucking screener. That's that Jeremy strong. I'm in the industry bra. That's why I have a friend who sent me a

DVD that I can play. Yeah, I am Jeremy strong today. Alright, let's go watch. Thanks for listening everybody. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions, send them all down to If I Were You Show at gmail.com. Let's play that succession theme song again. When else would we be able to? Who knows when we'll get a season four. Years and years away. They have to write it. They have to shoot it. They have to fucking do it. And it'll take hours, years, months before we ever get to watch season four episode one. So here it is, the succession finale again, or the succession

theme song. I forget who wrote it. Oh, that's right. Shout out to DJ Nina Cleanah and fully zipped G for more of us. You can always watch us on patreon.patreon.com Cha. A lot of videos there, a lot of content and a better gift for the holiday season than to give someone access to our tron. Couldn't agree more. Alright, cool. Thanks so much for listening everybody. We'll be back next week. Bye. Peace. I wanted to talk to you about something because I still

like succession, but I think I actually have a problem with the last three episodes. Whoa, quite frank. Two Jews helping those in sticky situations giving advice while making jokes and fighting for the golden like they also love a certain cable series. They're both obsessed and won't shut up about it on their podcast. And you can be, I don't know, fucking Logan's assistant that's probably

blowing him. That's not bad. That was a hit gum original.