If I Were You - 519: Follow Up Pups

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

In this episode we follow up with some pups, while discussing vomit, journalism, and cat puke.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. That money is piling up. Cash! You lie in cheddar and buckaroo. Cash! Cash out! You lie in cheddar and buckaroo. Cash!

Start earning that cash. That money is piling up. Cash! Buckaroo. Start earning that cash. Do not leave money on the table. Cash! Start earning that cheddar and buckaroo.

Cash back. Do it! Cash! Piling up. Whoa! Was that a remixed ad? That was... Yeah, I think they took us talking about saving money using some product and they turned it

into like a cash money hip hop trap house type style intro. Honestly, I didn't realize we were that cool. A fucking remix about cash? Yeah. That's fucking tight. Uh, I guess Dave and TJ have a comedy money counting YouTube channel where we count large amounts of cash. That's right.

We heard that. Comedy money counting. You can search Dave and TJ count money on YouTube and we usually come up first if you search 10K in hundreds on YouTube. That's right. $10,000 in fresh Benjamins. That's interesting. So they just count money.

It's like fucking like little cartoons for kids, but instead of for kids, it's for adults that love money so much that it just zoomed in pictures of stacks of hundreds being counted. Stacks are definitely fun to see. Yeah. This is like capitalism porn. So it's like, yeah, look at just, look at this hand count to 10,000 by 100. I can see in your eyes that you're on their YouTube page right now because your eyes have just like glazed over like you're looking at large sums of money.

Yeah. Let's see how many views. You're all about the Benjamins, right? I am. Wow. This has 70,000 views. Wow. $10,000 real cash, all 100 counted slowly.

It's like ASMR, but for money. This is so funny. Why is it? So I guess it's comedy just because the concept is funny. I don't know. There can't be like comedy in the video. They don't count it funny, right? They could.

I guess I didn't hear it, but it just literally a stack of money on a table. You can only see their hands as they count the cash. Yeah. All right. I love it. What's the biggest stack of cash you've ever counted? Like, did you have a G ever right in front of you in cash? Did you have to like take out $2,500 to pay the rent or something?

Yeah. I kind of remember giving like some kind of deposit in cash for, it was like $5,000 or something like that. It was a straight up wad. And I've had like less money, but in smaller bills. Like after, I remember we did like a NAD pod show in London and we like sold t-shirts and posters and we just got like bills for it, pounds, euros. Right.

Like a thick stack of 10 euro bills. Yeah. And there, the shape of them is just so fun. So it like, the thickness, the thickness is what you really love in a stack. Yeah. You'd be a great co-host on Dave and TJ Count Money. Right. Because it's not about the, it's not about the quality.

It's about the quantity. Yeah. You know, like I don't care if it's a Benjamin or a Washington, I just want the stack to be thick. Yes. An absolute thick wad. And in England, aren't there like different sizes? Like every bill is a different size.

I wonder if that goes with thickness as well. Oh, is that right? It's different. I mean, I'm thinking of euros or maybe I'm thinking of Israeli money where it's like a $1 thin and a $20 bill is thick. Yeah. No, I think you're right. But I just didn't remember if it was like, I thought it was also like Iceland, but I

guess that's all euros. No, that's Kroener. I have, who fuck? I haven't traveled in what feels like forever now. So it's all, it's all gone. I could have told you this in 2020, but I remember being frustrated by that because I like the, the nice, clean, even line stack of, yes, exactly. The American dollar.

The American way. Yes. That's like the best cash is that green and like their, their cash is like blue and white and it looks like fucking monopoly money. We got the green. They got the queen and ain't nothing fun about that. All right. Start fucking freestyling like that because it'll give them more fodder for the next

theme song. The cash. Money and cash. And there's, yeah, $420 and 50s and 20s. That's a funny number is what the caption says. Oh, well, actually I want to do it. I want to do an offshoot of this channel where I just fucking go to a coin star and sort of dump out an old change pit.

Remember like when we used to collect coins back in the day? God, I used to have so many. I had like a giant folk coke bottle that I filled with quarters, but then also bottle caps for some reason. Actually, those bottle caps are not worth millions of dollars. I remember the last time I went to a coin star was what was with like me, you and Ben when we first moved to LA. We like were hanging out at his house and we found out how many coins he had.

And we made him, he made him go to a coin star. He had like hundreds of dollars. I wonder if coin stars are now like pay phones. They just are giant things that are there, but nobody uses them. Or maybe people still use coins. I think people use coins less and less. I was reading some article recently. Oh, that's good unsolicited advice, actually.

I read newspapers now. I'm kind of smart. Not online too. You just sort of hold a fucking paper. I get the fucking paper. Yeah. I knew it. Fold it.

Printed word. Yeah. Like slap it open and then. Yeah. I can fold it up and I can swat a fly. Easy. That's cool. And then I sit back down, unfold it, you know, with one single flap, like that's awesome.

And then turn it, crunch it on the other side because I'm reading the lower half of an article. Sit my coffee. Yeah. And it's dribbles down. And it's just the funny pages. Yeah. It dribbles down.

You're laughing. You're laughing too hard at a ziggy that you start sort of spilling hot black coffee out of your coffee. The coffee is, it's lucky charms in a tiny little mug. Yeah. And the newspaper is a dummy zine that they give you on movie sets. So it's all royalty free Latin articles that don't actually make sense anymore. But I did read that there's more hundred dollar bills in circulation than one dollar bills.

Money is getting less and less widely circulated. Yeah. I guess that makes sense as people use credit cards more and more. How about this? I don't have a credit card. I don't know where my credit card is. And I just use Apple pay. I haven't, I have like, I basically don't have a physical credit card.

It's all digital. It's on my phone. Yeah. I don't, I mean, I haven't lost my credit card, but I don't use it. That's kind of wild. You just, you should cancel it. You almost don't need it, right? Yeah.

You don't need it. Basically everywhere I go, my phone works. If, if they, I also like getting on the train on the subway, use your phone. I don't have a reason for my wallet except for the fact that places still need your ID. Right. Actually, I remember this like being a question back at College Humor, like in 2005, it was like, would you rather lose your phone, your wallet or your computer?

And nowadays I'm like, I don't know where my fucking wallet is. I can lose my wallet. There's like 20 bucks in there and I just have to reorder my ID. There's nothing important in my wallet. Yeah. Well, don't talk too much about wallets because I actually sell them and I'd like them to stay relevant. Totally, totally.

I agree. If there was a way to put my ID on my phone and have it be accepted widely, have it be accepted everywhere, I would be happy to do that. What about a phone case and it's, it's a clear plastic case and I don't want to be sort of what does not be little, but be labored this point too much because we often talk about wallets and how necessary or unnecessary they are, but a clear plastic phone case that has your ID in it. Is that your entire livelihood right there on the phone?

You got the cash as a digital Apple pay and then you got your ID just stuck on the back. Yeah. You don't really, I think you, I still think you want to have a debit card because you could be in a situation where you need to extract cash. Yeah. Go to the ATM. Those are the two cards that you really need, but then as I've stated many times, I don't like cards on phone cases.

Your phone is out all the time and you shouldn't just be like whipping your ID and your credit card out along with it. You basically like, would you walk around all day with your wallet folded over in half so it's just all of your cards exposed all the time? No. Yes. Oh no, right. No, I wouldn't.

Like inside out. Sorry, you said you would, but you also have lost your credit card. So maybe this actually makes my point. Yes. So I'll have everything inside out on the day hanging outside of my pocket. I also misplaced my wallet last week for a good portion of the week. I couldn't find it. I couldn't get into head gum.

I was stuck and I had to pay a parking meter and guess what? They don't accept Apple pay. I didn't have my credit card either. Wow. So don't actually think that we're completely free of all the stuff. And it was only like a few short years ago though that you also lost your wallet. I remember that and you spent like. At an airport.

Oh, sorry. I was thinking of another time that you lost your wallet. You lose your wallet a lot, man. But I always find it. Yeah. I've got to guess. Is it really losing it or is it just a day long misplacement? Well, it sounds like this was a week long misplacement.

It could have resulted in you getting like a parking ticket and other people having to let you into the office. Of course. But when we were living over by La Brea. That's right. And I had pants that were too tight. Yeah. And that wasn't right.

No. And you lost your wallet and we had to we scrambled that entire day. You like canceled all your cards. You know, it was about to and then I called a store and someone had brought it in. Yeah. And so actually somebody brought it into like the restaurant next door. Yeah. That's right.

And I was so happy. I could kiss you and I tried to and you didn't need that. Yeah. But you and then you drove, you drove down and you got it. But that I like and then this time you've lost your wallet and you just kind of let it go for a week without even cancel any cards. Yeah. It was like I assume it's somewhere in my house.

I can't find it right now and then I don't think about it until I have to leave and then I have to leave again. I'm like, oh, I'm not going to find it right now. So then yesterday cleaning up, found the wallet in my closet of all places. How random is that? I must have put it next to my shoes when taking my pants off. What if that space cadet, man? What?

I was I mean, we're all laughing about you. Really fucking space cadet. You think I'm a fucking astronaut? You think I'd be a couple, but I don't get dizzy. I don't think that. Yeah, because I do get very nauseous. I'm actually nauseated thinking about going at the fuck, man. I'm fluid.

Now, I feel like all like I have the spins or the bends or something. Yes, you're easily distracted. Your spacey is what I mean. Oh, my god. I'm going to fucking her to be honest. All right, I'm back before this. Yes, I had the Omicron, if you can believe it. Actually, I took a test recently and I don't have it.

So that's good on you. I didn't take a test, but I got boosted really recently. So yeah, how was your booster? It was fine. It felt like the same as the as the vaccine, my arm hurt, but I didn't get sick. Oh, really? You didn't feel like tired or fluid at all? No, I guess I maybe even felt better than the vaccine

because the vaccine, I remember like I woke up in the middle of the night and I was like, oh, I'm like too hot, but then I was fine. But this one was like I was like, I hope I don't get sick. But then my arm hurt. And then after that, I just forgot that I even got the booster. Like she'll ask me if I got it. And I was like, oh, no. And then I was like, oh, wait, no, I did.

It didn't take. I don't know what to tell you. Like if your body didn't have a response, then that's irresponsible. Which one did you get? Did you get Moderna or Pfizer? I got one on each arm and I felt like absolute garbage trash the next day. I got the only COVID suppository. How's that?

I shoved a viagra in my ass and I said I got the visor. That's right. Not even the Pfizer, but the visor. The visor, yeah, the full visor. I got Moderna. Yeah, my brother got Moderna and fucked him up, too. I wonder if that's just the way the cookie crumbles or if one's better than the other, you know?

It seems random, but it seems like, you know, if one really elicits a human response within me and I was I was so knocked out, I lost my wallet and my phone. Yeah, I can't blame that shit on it. It was even before I got it. Yeah, I know. I lost my phone and then I said I wanted to get a boost. And so I did and I couldn't find it.

A boost mobile. Turns out it was at a diner that I didn't even go to. Anyway, in a fever dream, I woke up nearish a Denny's and I guess someone handed it in to them. But I woke up have stuff. Yeah, in a way, because when I do, I lose it. And then I realize I don't need stuff anyway. Mm hmm. Yeah, sometimes I'll go walking without socks.

I really will. I can't find the socks. I'll just slide my shoes on. And sometimes you wear a hat on your hand and you'll wear a shirt tied around your calf. Here's another example of absent mindedness. I realized that my license expires on my birthday, which is in a month.

I'm like, oh, wow, I need to get a new ID. So I went to go get a new ID online and they're like, all right, upload your passport photo. Then I upload my passport photo and they're like, it expired. I'm like, oh, shit. Now I have to fucking renew my passport, wait for six weeks. Then renew my ID. I have two pieces of like identification

that are expiring in the next six weeks. And I haven't done any of it. This is literally Micah is doing the exact same thing. He's like a few weeks behind you. He like needed to get a new passport to get a new passport. He needed to get to bring in his driver's license. His driver's license was expired. So he has to get a license to get a new passport.

It's the reverse. Yeah. And then once I get my ID, like I'm going to be a persona non grata anyway. Like, did I tell you that I'm putting my height is zero zero because I heard something on TikTok where you say, if your height is zero and your weight is zero, they just sort of don't give you jury duty and you don't have to pay taxes.

Hmm. That's cool. It kind of tricks their database into thinking that your ghost protocol, which I think is kind of interesting. I've told you that I've never gotten jury duty, like never a summons, never anything. Yeah, that's bizarre. Well, and I vote I'm registered.

Yeah. In California, we were sort of Airbnb hopping. So it makes sense. And sometimes I do move a lot. But like I never, never even like mail. I get mail. I get my mail forwarded. I handle my mail, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And then maybe it's going to like your parents' house

and they're throwing it away for you. No, they don't do that. My mommy and daddy would never do that. They save everything. Yeah. Would you ever do it? Would you be look forward to doing jury duty or is that sort of an annoying summons to get? I guess at this point I'd be sad

because my perfect streak would be over. Oh, you'd take pride in it. Yeah, I like when I feel like lucky things happen to me, you know, that nothing can touch Jake Hurwitz thing. That's kind of a fun vibe that I like to engage in. But I also do kind of like institutions. So it'd be fun to go to court and have my day in court and put the bad guys away.

You're actually you're talking about either being a criminal to have your day in court or to put your bad guys away like you're the lawyer prosecutor or the judge. I don't really know how it is to be on the jury, but I assume I'm part of the day. I want to be the judge, the jury and the executioner. Yeah, I think I would be like objection, your honor. And then I would like walk.

Yeah, from the jury hop over. This is like and then and then I'd be like, my client couldn't away. You can't do that. Struck box struck that man. And then I said, you want to know why? And then I grab the judges gavel and I chuck it at my client or the defendant or whatever.

And he catches it with his left hand and I say that's the hand that he said was broken or something. And he's he's left handed and everyone goes, and then the other lawyer is like no one said he didn't hit him with the left hand and then he just hasn't paid his taxes in a while. Really, you can get in trouble for that. I said I was zero foot zero, though. Do I still have a state?

By the way, you aren't registered to vote. Really? Fucking way. There's a funny curb episode recently where he's waiting in a long line to vote and he asked the guy next to him. He's like, who are you going to vote for? And the guy says one name and Larry goes, well, I'm going to vote for the other guy. So in theory, we could both just leave.

Like our votes will cancel each other out. They go like, yeah, I guess you're right. And they both just leave. Oh, that's good. That's a very funny idea. Like if I promise not to vote and then so does another person who's going for the other person in theory, that's as good as voting. How does he keep coming up with tiny little

slides? Yeah, I think there's other people that write for the show, actually. Yeah, I guess that'll do it. Yeah. So like people are. Other people come up with them now. Yeah. Yeah. Because the show's successful so you can hire people. Actually, I would be down to slash

honor to write for the next season. I don't know if there's a world where Larry or a friend of Larry is listening. Yeah, let's show him the latest new Jake and Amir as a reference. Yeah, that reminds me. I should get to editing, though. So I'm kind of a bad worker and I'm absent.

Larry, don't listen to this part, but basically, I'm not good at getting shit done. Right. I gave you notes on the on the quick cut. And I appreciated them. I think it was two and a half weeks ago. And I did appreciate it. And actually, my note was that it was that it was perfect. It was fine.

I think, yeah, I was like, I have no notes. This is ready to go. What we're going to do is window it on Patreon. So that's going to come out for a week early on Thursday. If you're listening to this on Monday and then a week after that, we'll put it on YouTube. I love it. That I was like, I think that's I think that's

I think this next episode we're actually back. Really? Like I was walking home last week. This was like two days after I saw the cut and I was just walking home, laughing at two of the lines to Oh, just like laughing to myself 24 hours after watching the video. I can still think about it. I still think literally your first line in that. It's so good.

Nothing will be faster than the our first episode back where the first joke happens in the first two frames where I fall down accidentally and we leave it in. Yeah, that is that is really that. It's it's also so funny because it's like our first moment back. Are we going to do this right? Are we going to nail it? Are we going to honor these characters or you just fall?

Just a fucking slip. And it hurt. It actually didn't really hurt. You actually shouldn't laugh. Oh, come on. Come on, space cadet. Not really a space cadet. I also walked into a fucking glass door last year.

How's that for being an astronaut? Would Neil Armstrong do that? No, he's dead. Really? I'm actually saddened to hear that. Was that recent? That's recent, right? That. Yeah.

That bet. All right, we're already 20 minutes deep. Let's introduce the show. If I were you, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us, I'm Amir. I am Jake. All right, let's take a break. Thanks for sponsors and then actually answer questions. Finally.

Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right.

Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of it. I do not. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress.

Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20 percent off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing free pillows. Come on. Yes.

This is their best offer yet. And no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one.

And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20 percent off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer

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And for 25 years, stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses. So if one million businesses can trust stamps.com, certainly you can to set your business up for success. With stamps.com today, just sign up with promo code if I were you for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow. No long term commitments or contracts.

Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Jake, you mentioned this briefly earlier, but do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire.

Well, I'm coming. Gross. All right. I say subscribe. I say subscribe to print journalism, folks. And is this sort of like a way of supporting honest media in a world where there's so much disinformation traveling online? Are you actually getting it to read it?

Yeah, no, I remember like when Trump was president and everyone was like, you have to sign up for the Washington Post. You have to sign up for the New York Times. And I remember thinking that that seemed like it was really them. It was like them taking a kind of PR opportunity, like a really good marketing thing. And I was like, fuck that. So I still kind of feel like that. But my friends, I visited them out in New York, like

in the country and they were just getting. Yeah, they just get the weekend edition of the New York Times. And they were having such a pleasant morning, like drinking coffee, reading a paper, no phones in sight, listening to music. And I was like, this seems really relaxing. And they have a kid and they're like their kids super smart. And they were like, yeah, like he just he never sees us on our phones because we this is like basically how we hang out.

I think they get the paper all the time. Jesus, he never sees them on their phone. And I'm sure he does now. But that's got to be the hardest part of being a parent. Yeah. But apparently this kid, like rather than like reaching for phones, will like just reach for the paper and he like sees that his parents reading the paper. So anyway, that's just what made me feel like, oh, it is kind of like a nice mellow way of life to to like read the paper

rather than like wake up and look at your phone. So I started doing the weekend edition on Saturday and Sunday. I just laze about the house reading the paper and it's really, really lovely. Yeah, it must help your attention span, too, because like in the morning, I'm just sort of rapid scrolling through notifications that I got overnight. See if there's any stories, do a quick, quick fap. If I am like scrolling through my only fans blog role. And then I'm sort of on Twitter, TikTok, and I finished the day off

with a Snapchat streaks spam. So I'll sort of go back to everybody that hit me up in the last 24 hours. Yeah. And I have a much more mellow day where I read the times, read the sports, read the arts, do the crossword. Then I also subscribe to the monthly penthouse so I can have a cheap fap. Then I have bone appetite. So I start reading up on recipes. I have men's health and I start doing a quick workout.

So it's actually pretty manic as well, to be honest, a cheeky fap, a cheeky fap. What does that mean? Like you're just sort of cranking it then at that point. You have a British slang for it, but you're you're masturbating. Your kids see as you masturbate in a cheeky fashion. No, it's in the fucking kitchen. So it's not really I have really liked reading the paper. It's it has made my weekend routine very low key, very mellow.

It's it's super nice. That's cool. All right. Here's my quick bit of unsolicited advice. As I said, I was going to do my driver's license like renew that. So it asked if I had any appointments that I wanted to make and I looked and there was a lot of appointments on Christmas Eve. That's right. For any Jews out there that want to get annoying shit done,

I highly recommend just using Christmas Eve as an excuse to go to the DMB, perhaps a post office, get all the annoying stuff that most other people would never dare do on December 24th. That's a really, really good point. Maybe like a schedule that covid test or the booster shot to those are exactly. Then you can spend I've heard horror stories in New York right now. Of the testing lines being insane. Oh, really? Oh, right.

Like lines around the block, but that's just to get tested, right? It's not that's right. Boost. Yeah, it's hard to get an appointment to get the boost, though. They should just send everybody a covid test. Yeah, why make it hard to get tested? It should certainly be better. All right, we are you sent me some questions. Some of these are just straight up follow up pups.

Yeah, it was kind of intrigued by the notion of doing an all follow up pup episode. Wow. Did these ones seem familiar to you? Do you remember these questions? At least two of them I remembered. Oh, right. There's the one where a 21 year old college student found cat puke on the floor. And she didn't know whether to pick it up or not. That's right.

Did we tell her to pick it up? I think you told her to get a vacuum cleaner to sort of hoove it up. No, I think you said that I thought I said a paper towel. I said that it's not that running that cat vomit is usually kind of thick. Yeah, like oatmeal. Yeah. And then I think I said maybe wait until your other roommate gets home in four hours and just she'll have to do it. Let's see here. Hey, guys, it's me.

I did indeed clean up the puke, almost exactly how Jake suggested it. Here's the proof, warning, trigger warning, gag. Sorry, I gag. I know I was being dramatic, but it smelled like tuna. As I previously mentioned, I was violently hung over. Well, Jesus, she watched this video. Yeah, this is just video of somebody else picking up cat puke. OK, it's a locked off shot on an iPhone.

Oh, wow, she picked it up, but she is gagging. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, she's straight up. Oh, we should probably keep that audio in there. I'll edit it in. Holy shit, just make that video for us. Or do you think that or to send to the roommate? Yeah, this is like what I this is how living with you makes me feel

I feel like I haven't gagged in a while. Nothing's been so like wretchedly disgusting to me that I had to fake puke almost my mouth. Yeah, it's been a long time for me, too. But I remember when I was a kid and my mom would change the triplets or change Micah, I like just being near the smell of baby shit made me almost throw up. Yeah, I was the youngest child. So fortunately, I never saw any of that stuff.

Yeah, but although I did duty in my diaper until the ripe age of just now. The ripe old age of today, years old when I found out I shouldn't be going duty in a diaper. That awkward moment when you got to go. Cash. All right, here's another follow up pup. How many shakes is too many shakes? You got what is this?

Oh, when you see, I remember this question. And I think this basic this this is just such a funny reminder of this entire thing. So this is this is when you pee as a man and then you have a penis and you just sort of dangle your penis at the end of the pee to shake it out. He wants to know how many how many penis shakes is too many. Right. Yeah. And he said that he had developed this technique of sliding his pinching his dick and like sliding his fingers forward to like get the last drop out.

Right. And I don't remember what I said. Do you know? Oh, well, he's he mentions it. He said that we told him to drink water so his pee is clear and then it's fine if it dribbles into your pants a little because it's only three drops, I think. And then the follow up just said your advice. Yeah, indeed, was for me to drink a lot of pee.

And then, you know what? I've I've had an issue with this because my underwear used to be cloth and that sort of soaked in any like drop or two that would remain. And now I switched to this mesh material. Yeah, I think we've got. Yeah. And that doesn't that's it's it's moisture wicking. And so like it doesn't actually absorb any dangling participles. You know what I mean?

Like it doesn't sort of soak in almost like a thin diaper that last drop or two. I got to be extra careful. Yeah, you definitely can't dribble as much in these underwear, but I think that the trade off is that they're significantly more comfortable throughout the day. So even though the cloth underwear, as you've stated, is really nice because you're able to sit in it a little bit. I think this underwear is better because it's breathable.

You can move it. It's comfortable. And unfortunately, it doesn't hold as much piss as you would like to put in it. But I think that's that's OK. Ultimately, and honestly, with my previous underwear and I almost feel shame admitting it. But there were times when I didn't necessarily need to go pee pee in the potty. What I would do was sort of go tinkle in my own underwear

and almost like a thicker picker upper, a bounty of sorts. It would sort of just I call it the sit and soak. Yeah, you are the brawny man. It's sitting and I would soak, actually. Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe there's something to that. Is there anything there? Do you think for this guy?

Yeah, for this guy to have a different underwear for it or something? I don't know. What do you think? Like, yeah, am I talking in circles or I'm not getting a lot out of you? Yeah, I don't know what you want me to say. You're advocating for this guy for his ongoing issue. Is you're telling him to just piss in his pants. So you buy a pair of Haynes and piss in your pants.

Yeah, you don't. Yeah, or like to pull that back a little bit. You don't have to like shake as much at the end. Whatever. Yeah, fine. Follow up up from episode four sixty seven. Staying warm. What is this one? I already forget a sophomore who had a crush on one of the boys.

Yes, this I remember. She she had hooked up with this guy. They were about to move in together, this guy and her friends. And they and they like cuddled and she was like and he made a joke that they were going to cuddle all the time when they lived together and she wasn't sure what to do. And we said that they were just going to hook up, I think. Right, right.

But she has she has like almost a new situation. Yeah, it's been a year since that email. And boy, do I have an update for you. I call this boy Brandon for the sake of the email making sense. Since sending that email, Brandon and I cuddled only a couple more times over a few months. Then I got a boyfriend that I was happily dating for eight months. And during that time, I can tell Brandon was still uncomfortable when I brought my boyfriend to gatherings and I talked about boys in general.

Like we had planned, Brandon and I moved in together with three other roommates in August and he started dating a girl for a few months too. I was at home in another state for a spell. So I would I was out of the apartment for about two months. And when I returned, we were both single. And what did we do our first night back? You guessed it, we cuddled this time under the roof. We both pay rent in.

It's only been a week since that happened. But I've quickly come to realize that I still have feelings for Brandon. I was 100 percent loyal to my boyfriend physically and emotional. But there are always thoughts in the back of my mind. Now we occasionally flirt, but he has brought other girls back home and sometimes talks about other girls. However, he says he's emotionally available to actually be with them. I still intend on seeing other people too, but I'm hopeful in the future

when we don't live together anymore, say this coming August. So what do you think? Is it worth to wait it out for the long haul? How do I express genuine interest towards the end of our lease? I really do see us being good together one day. Yes. So this is the problem with cuddling. It just it almost it's like that New York Times 40 questions thing.

It's impossible not to fall for someone. You fall for something. It's I to me. This is like you guys are already doing the more intimate part of the relationship. This is you're backing into something. You're cuddling into it. Yeah, it doesn't it doesn't compute for me. And he's also telling you that he's hooking up with people.

And I believe that that it said that he's emotionally unavailable to those people. Yeah. So so to that end, I feel like he's expressing to you that he's getting his rocks off, but he actually likes you and you're cuddling him, but you don't want to actually take it a step further until the end of your lease is in sight. But what happens if your roommates want to renew? I think you just you guys got to admit to each other that you like each other and you're taking a leap of faith.

But if it doesn't work out, your lease will be up in August. So you could do that. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough to cuddle and then not to have it progress. Like, how does a cuddle just end? It's like a cuddle is so close and then you just walk away, sort of sexually aroused in a way. You basically have to fall asleep before anything happens.

Or maybe a cheeky fap once everyone's back in their own quarters. And it will be cheap. Is there any other way? But there's there's only so many cuddles you can do before the cat's out of the bag. You can't go. You can't just be a serial cuddler. No. And I mean, like, what is it? What's the least sexy position to cuddle in? Because side to side, like you're sort of seeing something scary in a commercial.

Side, like shoulder to shoulder, I guess. Oh, like laying on your back. Oh, no, I mean, like two people facing the same way. One of them has an arm around the other. Is that cuddling? That's spooning, right? No, like my shoulder against your shoulder, like we're like two seats on an airplane, but there's no space between us.

Yeah. And then you have your arm around. Yeah. Are you lying down? I don't think so. Do you need more surface area to overlap for the cuddle? I think so. I think that's that's just sitting to me. Yeah. And just cuddling have to be lying. Yeah, I think so.

Or at the very least, it has to be like feet up. You can't be like cuddling while sitting on a couch. You can cuddle on a couch, but I feel like someone has to have their feet up. Do you know what I mean? I guess two people can't be facing the same direction for a cuddle. Like it has to be like one person facing forward, one person facing to the left. And then you're sort of cuddling, almost sitting on one person's lap. But like maybe legs draped over their lap.

There's got to be more overlap. Are you talking about in a sitting cuddle or a lying down cuddle? Sitted, yeah, if there could be a seated cuddle. Yeah, seated cuddle. I think if you're like, if someone is lying on the couch and their head is in your lap and you have your arm like your hand like stroking their arm, that's a cuddle. Even if you're on the ground, that's a cuddle. And I defy someone to tell me that it wasn't a cuddle.

It's a very intimate cuddle. Yes, yes, yes. What else? What else can cuddling be? What about cuddling us? So it's not really going down on someone. It's just cuddling them. Epic, bro. I actually call fingering cuddling us. You should if we have a square space, you should you should look that shit up.

You should bring back your Twitter account just for that one tweet. Ruin all the goodwill you've built for the past decade of silence. And then deactivate going forward. Hit him with that and swimmers ear back to back. Delete your fucking account. All right, let's take a break. And I think you found some more follow up ups. Those are right after these messages.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network. Jake, wow, that's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect.

I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting. Yeah. My first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they are they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off

plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames.com. OK, go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. The guy who didn't change his underwear so that the chiefs of Kansas City would keep winning football games has given us a follow up pup. He says, my system works and you're both jerks. OK, don't put words in my mouth.

It makes us both look foolish. Since that email, the chiefs are five and one in the playoffs, a.k.a. they've won a Super Bowl, but their one loss was to Tom Brady, who's impervious to my proven technique, the goat bested fate. I have no recourse unless you guys have an idea on how to beat TB 12. So he's like this new thing of not washing my underwear on game days has worked every week, except for when they played the Buccaneers in the Super Bowl and Tom Brady won again.

I see, I see. Now, I mean, we could be getting a rematch of that this year. The chiefs are starting to win again. Tom Brady, of course, even though he's 44, is still doing well. I wonder. I wonder if there is a way. To combine the two efforts of, like. The the PP one from earlier that you recommended.

Oh, the guy who pissed his pants, who should piss his pants? You said, and the guy in this case, who's like, I'm not changing my underwear. So you remember, do you remember that when you told that guy to just sort of piss himself a little bit? I wonder if there's a way to use that going. I didn't. Yeah, I mean, I said that it was fine to get a few drops and then I think you complained that you can't piss as much

in your underwear as and that's actually a turdy for you. No, I don't think so. I don't think so at all. Fuck, I thought I could get out of it or something. And like, because you often do that to me, you recuse me. That was and accused me that actually to be given a false turdy and that almost is like I that's an automatic golden mic because of what it was.

It's almost like a technical foul. Like, yeah, that was the wrong. You get to an opportunity down not with this. So we'll take the golden mic. You'll get the turdy for that kind of it was like, cool. It was it was a pool. It was a mutiny attempt. Yeah. And I came for the king and I actually did.

Unfortunately, and then I was just sort of caught and you were holding a sword and a gun. And I was a little afraid of what would happen next. And you pissed in your fruit of the looms. Fruit of the looms. You still wear fruit of the looms. You call them fruit of the blooms. Is there still fruit of the loom?

Yeah, yeah, because me and my brother tested them for, I think, like white t-shirts in the on the goat show. They're hanging on there. You know what their URL is? I mean, shout out to fruit of the loom. Is it fruit? It's just fruit dot com. Oh, and dare I say, you know, like wearing like

Kirkland or Costco branded shirts is like now becoming cool. Like it seems like Kanye is wearing like Old Navy. I can. Yeah. They're making like these big sweatshirts that say like fruit of the loom on it. And like the the logo is kind of like hipster chic, I think. I'm going to pop over to fruit dot com right now. I'll tell you what I think.

And the prices are low, of course, because, you know, they're still being manufactured in dangerous situations. But a big shirt that says fruit of the loom or a sweatshirt that does. I don't know. Maybe there's something there. Wow, I actually like this. This this crew next sweatshirt with just the the logo, the fruit with the fruit. Yeah, that's the fruit from the loom, I think.

That's really cool. And not only that, but it looks like the t-shirts are 1299 and it's buy one, get one free. Are we doing an ad for fruit right now by accident? We kind of are. We're low key endorsing fruit dot com. Well, let me see. There was I forget the name of this company that that won.

Or not one, but it was like, God damn, it's not Haynes, it's not fruit of the loom. What's like the other one? Is it Kirkland? Not Kirkland. It's like that, though. Gapper old Navy. No, it's it's totally like that. Now, I just have to.

Like, is it the kind that's like thick long shirts, too? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, what are those called? Thick, thick, white, long, sleeved tee. Hey, not Haynes, not Haynes. Like, I'm I'm literally just going into my order history. Gilden, Gilden, Gilden, yeah, Gilden. Yeah, and I like the Gilden.

They're not great, but they were like. It was like $14 for like eight of them. So cheap, cheaper than like a can of soda. They got to be really uncomfortable. Like, if this is actually $16 and buy one, get one free. Could you imagine two fucking sweatshirts for eight dollars a piece to the fruit dot com? Like, I bought I bought the Gilden T-shirts

and I also bought like an expensive white tee from like Buck Mason. Like, I don't those are 30 40 bucks, something like that. Yeah. And I feel like they the the Gilden ones don't last as long, but I also get stains on like the Gilden one will wear itself out and I have to get rid of it. But then the Buck Mason one I have for only a couple of months before I inevitably get hot sauce on it. So I have to get rid of that also, you know, like it's either

it's either the shirt failing or me failing. So you might as well save them like I think you would save money in the long run. Like, just going all guilty. Dot com. Yeah. I'm going for it. I guess we should just lean in and all in on fruit, but I'm pretty sure their shirt was actually really bad when I tested it. OK, they better be because, again,

you can get two fucking crewneck fruit sweatshirts for twenty dollars total here. Well, it's awesome. I mean, and the color is nice to the models are hip. I don't know what to tell you. This man has long hair. It is so weird how, like, champion just came back and did all of the collapse. And everybody fucking just suddenly loved the champion logo and fruit of the loom must have been like, oh, wait.

Well, fucking, I know. We went up to champion was a joke. And so is fruit. Why are they cool now? Yeah, why did you bring them back from the dead? You could do that to fruit. You're telling me that fucking Drake would never wear this fruit of the loom sweatshirt to a concert?

Of course, absolutely, he would. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Actually, when fruit of the loom comes back, I want credit. I'm going to fucking buy low on fruit dot com. And I'm going to wear I'm going to wear it. And I'm going to I'm going to buy a shirt and a fucking sweatshirt. And if you guys see me rocking it on Instagram, I want people to go absolutely ham on my ram.

They got to go ham for the fruit. Like a prosciutto melon ball. That being said, if I do a slight bit of research and they come out as like, I don't know, a MAGA company or. That was my fear with Gildan, actually. Yeah, but I think I found out that they did not donate to the Trump campaign. OK, that's good. But I don't know about fruit. I don't know about fruit.

It's owned by the MyPillow guy, actually. MyPillow owns fruit dot com. I mean, the URL alone is worth. It's like they have a shitty store, but the land that they're on is so incredible. Yeah, that'll do it. So I think this guy should keep the trend alive. You know, don't wash the underwear for the games that that it worked for.

But when you play TV 12, then wash it. Just do something different that time. Just try something different. That's all I could say. One last new question just because we got a good one about a girlfriend who's writing in about her boyfriend that he made her a meal and he's very health conscious. And then she asked to add salt to it.

And he said, I don't do that. And it led to, quote, the biggest fight I've ever had, not just with a partner, but in my life. He said he doesn't add salt to his food to keep his sodium intake down. There is a difference between sodium, which is used as a preservative and salt, which is used to add flavor. I showed him countless articles explaining this, but he wouldn't back down. Who's right here?

I don't think it's petty to defend properly seasoned food. Would you date someone who doesn't use salt? You're pretty. You're a salty guy. I love salt. Yeah. Yeah. Very salty. So she's saying that it's fine to salt your your food for flavor afterwards if you don't use salt in the cooking, because it's not infused in the in the food. It's not. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you the kind of guy that just like, can I get salt even before you taste the food? Yeah, I want salt. I I I salt pretty liberally. I'll salt a lot during cooking. Salt after I like it. You like salt, don't you? I like salt. Yeah. You little salty little freak. You fucking sodium fiend. You can't even get enough of that pink Himalayan shit either.

You like the coarse salt, don't you? The fucking stadium pretzel sized, the the the white salt so thick it can only be described as fruit of the loom. That's a second 30 for you. Yeah. Yeah. Because I got personal and it was nasty and it was tacky. It was vindictive. It was vitriolic.

I didn't like it. It was bile and it was vile. It was vile. It was venomous. It was evil minded and small minded and petty. And it wasn't pretty. So I think for that attack on my person, you get a second gold.

The third. Excuse me. I get a second gold and like and actually I get the second gold and like because I misspoke, but that was ultimately, ultimately fine, because I was still doing the podcast justice and adhering to the rules which you shook your fist at. So let's award the first ever double golden mic. No way. You've gotten a lot of my misspeaking after

after a pretty harrowing experience. I'm shaking. I'm shook into the core and actually you start like a salt shaker and I will lick my salty wounds. Yeah, I mean, would you say it's grounds for dismissal? If someone says you can't salt my food, that seems like to be a weird hill to die on for both sides. Actually, yeah, this guy should definitely it.

It's one of those arguments that's like blown out of proportion. So you guys need a little space and you've got to come back to this with eventually with clear heads and and I do think that you you should at least be able to salt your own food at his house. So he has to have it. That's that's not fair. Yes, that's correct. I mean, these little things, maybe this is a pandemic problem. You know how little things can get into a little bit more intense

after sharing a space with someone for 18 months straight. That's correct. Take a beat. Take some salt and try not rubbing salt in his wounds. It seems like he has some sort of issue with it. I don't know what it is. Maybe he'll get over it. It seems like he shouldn't be offended. I mean, you had famous chefs don't get offended when you add salt to their food.

Yeah, I mean, show him what like what's the daily allowed intake of salt? Is it like five grams? It's a lot. I forget what it is. Like show him on a scale what you're allowed to eat every day and then show him what you would sprinkle on your food for flavor. And I feel like it's ultimately it's OK. Yeah, it seems like twenty three hundred milligrams per day. OK, that's a teaspoon of table salt.

That's a lot. You're using pinches here and there. You very rarely have an entire teaspoon of table salt. Right. At least directly to the face. But I put, you know, teaspoons of salt in like a seasoning. But she's saying that's different. Yeah, because it's like in theory, you're not just eating the whole seasoning. It's like spread out throughout. Yes, it's right, right, right.

And it goes. All right. Sorry for sorry that he's being salty. Maybe it's about something else. Yeah, he's being Salt Bay. Nice. That's a turdy for me for that kind of lame joke. But that's fine, ultimately, because I still have a golden mic on the day. Pretty cool to get a turdy and still come out on top.

That's another golden mic for me. Let's call this episode. Yes, let us actually call this episode. You're having some sort of episode yourself. This was a static episode, but you're having a manic episode. Cool. You're going absolutely insane. Thinking about the salt, thinking about the hardware. You're on fruit dot com.

Who's having a manic episode? I'm buying a thousand sweatshirts just in case the price of poker goes up. And yeah, free shipping over five thousand dollars. Sign me up. Please. All right. Thanks for writing in. If you have your own questions or theme song, send them all down to if I were you show at gmail.com.

That opening number. Remember that one? It was the cool cash one that was about Oolah by those YouTubers. God, what was their names? JT, I want to say. It had to have been JT or something like that. Oh, yeah, David, that's all I know. Dave and TJ count money.

And the closing theme song was somebody who sent me an MP3. Oh, here it is. Trevor Davis, a version of a recent song I dropped in this version. Jake is a psychotic killer and Amir seems kind of into it. So there you have it. Shout out my soundcloud. Soundcloud.com slash Oh, no. Oh, no. All right.

Oh, H N O OH N O soundcloud.com slash Oh, no, oh, no. And yes, as always, more stuff on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J A. Other than that, we'll be back next week. Happy holidays. Everybody later. Oh, did you just kill something? That's human blood in them.

What just happened was actually pretty fucking cool. It didn't suck me at all. No, because I got them quick. Yeah, that's rare. It's actually pretty fucking neat. What just happened was actually pretty fucking cool. Yeah. That was a hit gum original.