If I Were You - 52: Steroids (with Ben Schwartz)

Episode Date: January 13, 2014

Comedian and friend Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss social anxiety, family obligations, and how to write without writing.This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks.com! If you're wondering how to get your college textbooks for cheap this semester, simply check out SlugBooks.com/Amir or SlugBooks.com/Jake for your answer!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Here we go Wow very nice that was that was intense I hated it in a good way Good way hey, we're here with Ben Schwartz I like we we did like a mic check I'm not gonna be yelling. I'm not gonna be yelling. This is my level. This is my level. Hey, it's Ben Schwartz This is a pretty exciting moment because one we you we've been requested that you come on the show for a while And two you've never heard the show and know nothing about it Well, I know the title of it. It's wish I were you that's incorrect right off of that

No incorrect if I were you if I were you Sorry, Mamir and jahimi Right. I am your host jahimi And I do know this is the I'm trying to be honest Yeah, I do know that you guys take questions. Yeah, whether it be from people on Twitter. I'm assuming no, okay on jakenamir.com Nope on White House.org Correct and you get those and I'm assuming they're personal Questions, yeah, and then we answer truthfully. Yes, and we try to help people. That's right. That's pretty accurate

It's an advice podcast and if someone win The audience wins. How about this time one of us wins? Okay? How about yeah, you score us? Okay? I'll score us. I'll be like I'll have I'll be like the caddy of this whole thing Yeah, yeah, and we'll like try to shoot under par or whatever are there special games we play every episode like every episode That's not gonna he's just gonna figure out the podcast and then also change it We're gonna improve it. Yeah, I put in a game right now. Okay. I want us to all think of The happiest year of our life, okay, okay, uh-huh, and then what's the game? That's not a game No, this is the game. I'm gonna guess what they are for both you guys. Okay. Yeah, how old are you right now 30?

30 a week and a half ago Jake 28 I'm supposed to guess it. Oh, what? Damn it. Are you changing the rules? I thought you asked how old you are now, okay? Your best year of your life was I'm talking one one year old. That was oh, so I was like thinking of an actual year like 2012 in my head, which is fine for you. So I January so I'm 28 you think my best year that I Honestly, I think your favorite year was I think freshman of college was when you were fucking that's what her That's the that's the most wrong That was the word freshman year college was the most depressed sad

I've ever been do people know that who listen to this podcast No, I don't think your freshman years ever come up, but you've had more and more sexes. You've gotten older and older Yeah, yeah, you know practice makes perfect you get better as you a one-to-one ratio to how much sex you have well depends on Here talking to even for Jake. I don't think so. That's true. It's not it's not like it's absolutely correlated to how much sex I'm having sure it is. I mean sex is definitely involved, but it's not the amount. It's the it's the Quality of it's still sex. No matter what it's not the amount of the quality of the quality Years are like when I feel when I when I'm like traveling when I feel close to my family close to my friends And I'm getting late good answer. This is a good answer to get women to have sex

No, I said getting laid I mean, I'm definitely still a piece of shit on top of all the thing is like the quality of friends and family stays constant throughout the Year, so I guess by default the one variable is how much sex I'm having Why are we still talking about me? What was the best year of your life? I don't answer I'm so sorry to this game And so far Amir you're losing because in the lead I would say either the last year of my life at age 30. It's been very very fun or the first year that we I started working at college humor was very very fun as well

Oh, that's a good also first my first year doing stuff at UCB and like having zero zero money and yeah Wendy's every day The more I really enjoyed that yeah, because I love Wendy's. I love Wendy. I love being forced socioeconomically to be eating Wendy's It was the first time I saw like, you know Like Horatio sands perform or all these people that I idolized on SNL like right live front of me Yeah, and realize that it's possible to do it. Yeah, that's that ever happened to you. Did you ever get to the performing part? My bucket list was this podcast wish I'm having your baby Your best years were when you were hustling for what you wanted and now when you have what you want now Why is that because why do you think that is?

Because one hustling feels good, especially if it ends up being fruitful and to the reaping the fruit of your benefits and rewards is All looking back at your hustle. Yeah But that's what everyone says every like every successful not that worse quote-unquote successful I'm saying every successful person says the time where I was struggling starving poor and afraid those were the best years of my life Yeah, but I never believed them when they say that right I think you know there's like that level of hustle because I was Freezing starving poor and afraid my freshman year of college, but I didn't know what I wanted to do So that's miserable off. I would never be like, yeah, I wish I was still in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Getting fat and being sad, right? You know, I was that year where I was like poor in New York and I was fun because I was working at College Humor Right What's a good example of like poor story that you have that's good like the poorest story that you have the poorest like Like I have one we're like when I moved to New York and I wasn't making enough money to live there My parents had to pay for my summer sublet and then I I put myself on a budget called the 3710 plan Which required me to spend $3 on breakfast $7 on lunch and 10 on dinner and So that I didn't spend more than $20 a day on food

And then I gained 12 pounds because I just ate bagels and Chinese By the way, this is all coming from three middle-class guys The poorest I ever was when I could it was when I spent $10 on dinner We were like you had $10 We all have safety nets if we if we hit zero zero although I'm the three of us are pretty driven if we we would never allow ourselves to hit zero zero But if we hit zero zero there would be a house for us to stay in yeah That's like the most which is where me and Jake are currently staying at my parents house

Is that true? But you guys are getting your own place. Yeah, we're trying well. I'm back on the 3710 plan So I'm gonna try to save up I mean people can hear me eating, right? Maybe so well, I bet they're not really paying attention Should we try to answer some questions? Oh, yeah, so that's how the question answering song right everybody's got questions And I'm here and Jake has got the answer I totally forgot to mention that theme song we start every episode I'm gonna explain it to the audience but also been we start every episode was with a custom theme song that our fans submit

And that one was from someone who's got her own little solo thing going that she's a violinist and singer named Jack and Jill. It'd be so funny if it was like she got her own thing. Her name is Florence. Her name is Lawrence and the Machine Thanks, yeah, thanks for that and if you have your own theme song or question You can email us at ifireachow at gmail.com or just call them here. Should I get your phone number? No, no, no, I'm okay I'm cutting you off because you're wrong. No, no, no, it's 818. You know if the FBI calls your phone It comes up as 5 5 5 no 100% Call you know an area code 212 555. How do you know? Hey, man, sometimes

Sometimes people just know baby. I mean the honey nut cheerio. So it's so like Yeah, you're not you're not holding nuts or anything fun you're holding little children cereal in your hand. We're gonna eat dinner after this I shouldn't do this. Yeah, I'm trying to eat healthy Well, I'll cut oh, that's your new year's resolution to eat healthier one of them and to watch Jake just slam bees Thank you. What do you think the bees meant? Beef curtains. No, oh Belly buttons like I'm hoping a belly button. No, it was it was bitches and I felt bad Yeah, I was gonna change it to boys and that's not funny. That's even worse in a way

In every way actually So what we do is these are real emails, but we want to preserve people's anonymity So we give people's fake names and we figure you're gonna come in up with fake So this email comes from Stanley keeps Stanley keeps Stanley keeps writes I was really into bodybuilding for a while and I used to take steroids every now and then Dabbling with the juice brought forth poon with swift vigor I was swimming in it sometime, but I was robbed of my glory by a hack cardiologist He says I have an arrhythmia or some shit and even though I felt fine. He made me quit the roids

I almost immediately lost 40 pounds of muscle. I'm currently looking the bitchliest of my life The poon ceased to rain and a drought of fappage came about I'm considering returning to the juice to receive the poon I deserve Jake can relate Should I pump up and return to my former magnificence or should I heed this cardio? Charlotte in this quack of hearts and die a poonless withering husk sincerely Edward nightpin Question is is this what the podcast is you guys talk about sex like is it a lot about sex? It's a lot a lot of people said they're main the questions about

Relationships and advice and steroids that's some relationships steroids is new steroids. It's a new little twist I'm wait. I want to hear how you answer this. I have an opinion, but I want to hear Okay, so let's pretend Ben wasn't here and I just finished. What would you say first of all? I resent being lumped in with him by when he said I would understand. Yeah, you're not jacked. I well That's I am naturally jacked. I don't need steroids But I would like it sounds like his doctor Saved his life. Yeah, he's like he's just he's down to just go back on steroids potentially die Yeah, just so we can keep getting pussy he down plays it by saying he

Diagnosed me with an arrhythmia or some shit I also I feel like a lot of girls aren't necessarily into big muscles big muscly guys Well, this guy was drowning in poon and now he's not so maybe they are I think there's a chance he was lying But maybe there are some girls and the ones that he's attracted to are the ones that are attracted to muscle It's got it. Got it. Got it. So the ones the girls that you're attracted to are also attracted to people like you Yes, that's sort of an evolutionary thing. Do you find that? Like girls that you're attracted to are attracted to you the type of look that you have girls are attracted to that The girls that are attracted to that look are the ones that you're attracted to

Tell me what you mean. You mean if for example, you were in let's say you were a female you were into me Yeah, you're saying that in essence if you're into me, I'm most likely into you because yeah, I tried to each other's features Right, exactly. I don't know if that's true. And also, let's let's take let's take an example of someone who is Jake you're very attractive mirror very attractive But someone who's far more attractive than we are and then that person is probably everybody that comes up to them is probably so into them and That person will if it's there's a universal attractiveness. Yeah, that person there everybody else be like I don't think so There's also a type and like a muscley guy likes a girl that would be into muscley guys, right? Whether well, I don't know whether you're forced into or like this still isn't answering the question though

Which is I feel you now. You're just your it's your stereotyping go back on steroids. Is that the question? Yeah, well, of course No, you're hurting your life and there's chance to put your life in you described it as a rhythm Yeah, which I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but it sounds that's life threatening, right? Yeah It's when you're it's when your heart but beats at a different rhythm Like the beat of a drum Eat some more gum never heard of this song. So here I go That's it. That's it. That's perfect. That's accurate. It's called arrhythmia I would say please don't go back on steroids if these if these people take these answers serious

I would say please don't do that. You're gonna get injured and you're if someone's gonna I mean, how much smaller did he get this? He said he lost 40 pounds 40 pounds of muscle 40 pounds of muscle Have you tried creatine? I mean, there's there's other supplements, right? Yeah, you're just gonna kind of creatine get some of that Waterweight imagine having 40 pounds of muscle. I can't even lift 40 pounds of anything. No, I can't I bet I mean, yeah My god, he's doing pull-ups right now. He's bringing his microphone up He's interested in like lean muscle. I feel like that's that's a that's a some solid advice We could give him because I think if what's important to him is poon

And it's it's not necessarily like he doesn't care so much about looking bitchy It's more that like that his looking bitchy in his eyes directly affects The amount of pussy you can get. Yeah, that's correct I think that you just change your game you become instead of like a big beefcake your your lean muscle You're small your spry. You're like hipster. You start going to some different bars. You're going you can't change them I mean this guy this guy did steroid. He has 40 pounds of muscle. He's not gonna start rocking my look He can't just wear glasses and then tight-bench That's my look

The three of us are wearing the exact same shirt right now. This is your look This is great actually because what we're doing right now is we're putting a mirror on blast Yeah, that's another theme of the show. Yeah a runner if you will which is yeah What you're doing is putting me on blast that I obviously didn't mean I'm owning this thing This is a Thursday night blast Yeah, this point this is a time that a lot of people do deserve to be put on blast Thursday Thursday blast Big night out by the way. Yeah night out here But people are listening to it on a Monday as far as they're concerned. This is a Monday morning blast

Nobody wants to be blasted on a Monday. No Rested well rested. I don't know. Okay. I would say mid-week is appropriate time to blast Either way what I what I meant was this guy who's you know capable of losing and gaining 40 pounds of muscle It's never gonna start looking like us all of a sudden whether he's scrawny or not. What do you mean? You think he's you think he's I think I think you can't change your your inner Like just as just as I can't gain 40 pounds of muscle and start attracting ladies who like muscular guys You're sort of born with a genetic predisposition to be a certain way. He's not born with it He's genetic pre he didn't have the pre genetic predisposition. That's why he needed steroids

But you want to do you think the guy is very skinny now? Do you think he looks like it's very skinny or is it like he's like I look like the bitchliest I've ever looked that he could still kick the shit out of It's huge. I mean he lost her side. I apologize. I happen you can curse Okay, you not you guys not we do we do. Oh, you don't try to I could tell by the way I won't curse. I curse all the time. Fuck shit poop diarrhea Edit that out. By the way, the only two the first two are the only curses Fuck shit and then actually bleep the other two so people won't know what he said

So I guess all three of us all joking aside listen to a doctor. Yes, not Nobody else. Nobody would agree with you. Yeah, be be confident in yourself enough that you can go up to women and Get them by your words and brain as opposed to your 40 pounds heavier physique or creatine like Jake said I will say I'm not I don't want to be a contrarian, but I will say I am dr. Hurwitz and I and I and I prescribe more poon Literally what he says for every color. This is my first time here I'm dr. Hurwitz and I prescribe more poon knock knock so juice up buddy By the way, how do we know that the working out isn't what's giving him a rhythm here?

Either way, he can't have muscle if whether he has a rhythm here or not Well, maybe he can have muscle. Maybe you shouldn't be on the Roids. Yeah, what is steroids do they actually just build muscle faster? Are there steroids that are other than syringe like all I know is like from like that movie the program, right? Like are they all that are not there must be pills now, right? I think they're all that and also a bag of chips so you can do Oh, no, so is there a button? How do we hit a gong? What's so sad is that I love that joke in the first thing I heard was oh, no

You were smiling as you You were so proud. Oh, no Oh That's a dog bringing back a dead bird to the door step like oh my owner's gonna love this here here. Here it is Here you go. Oh, no No, only I'm smart enough smarter than a dog to realize the disappoint disappointment in my owner's face Oh, yeah, you've let something a family now. I saw your heart break It's like that simpsons episode of the exact moment you can see Ralph's heart break. Yep

I know exactly come out the Lego set for the simpsons February 1st. I saw that From my tweet from you. Yeah, I wouldn't have said. Oh, we should we should pimp out your Twitter account Rejected jokes or not. All right You should change it I have no Facebook followers you told me Ben Schwartz that page you guys have a millions and I have like two Yeah, you should transfer start transferring all your Twitter fall I'm not gonna give you a lot of social media advice on this podcast, but you shouldn't really the Twitter ones It's a dead. It's a dead Before you think that it's not yeah Twitter is not as rich as Facebook. There's not as much feedback

Facebook is Facebook's better. I know I got to figure out a way to get involved more. Well, we'll tag your page when we upload this podcast Yeah, that'll do it. Thanks guys You know what nevermind This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area

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So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive To and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional Licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's better. Help HELP comm slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for Dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online

You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude Com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this Season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website

So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace All right question number two I can't tell you who it's from yes, this question comes from Talbot Corbal Corbal TC. It's whatever comes out of my head guys. Here's

Whoa, did you hear that honk? Yeah, it's Talbot showing some love someone's getting put on blasters at night Picking it up. All right ready Talbot writes here's the thing my aunt and uncle who I only hello just I know hey guys Sorry, go ahead. Love you guys love the show. Okay. Thank you. Are you happy? Yeah I got that little compliment. I would hate to put them on a not undeserved blast I think that exists already. Oh, I thought of a joke that I emailed you which is when you put God on blast We should call it blast for me. Yeah, that's great by the way blast for me. That's great. That's not an oh no, right? That's a good one. That's a good joke. That's you brought you brought back like somebody's wallet

Like oh my god dog. Thank you. I keep my money in a dead bird. So it's all the same to me. All right Talbot writes Hey guys, love you love the show. Here's the thing my aunt and uncle who I only see every couple of years sent me a Christmas card Which had 50 British pounds inside which they say is for me turning 18 I am very grateful for the money But inside the card my aunt wrote a short little message which had the usual bullshit, you know, how are you? What are you doing now? What are your plans for the new year? Etc. I don't mind writing back a polite letter But in part of the letter my aunt wrote if you would like a complete change from London come and see us in the

City that they live for a few days. I get on all right with my aunt and uncle But the idea of going and spending a few days with them is insanity I feel like they've put so much pressure on me by sending this nice money whilst also being so nice and polite That not going to see them would piss them off I haven't done anything with the money yet, so I could send them the money back. Here's my question How do I decline the offer of visiting them whilst maintaining a good relationship with them from? Talbot Calpe Talbot Calpe so

Thoughts initial reactions. I'm gonna act like but now you guys act like I'm not here Okay, I see how you guys my initial reaction would be as follows. Do you guys ever have guests on the show? Yeah, we've had some guests before okay some guests. So not usually got it My my initial reaction is you got a case of the niceies great people They seem like fantastic people seems like an easy way to get out of it Just be polite and say thank you so much for the money if I'm in you know quote-unquote that country Maybe we can absolutely meet up. That's it. Is there a big thing they're missing? I think the big thing that you're sort of glossing over is the fact that this guy's a colossal asshole. Oh god, right?

Yeah, that's the nicest people in the universe just gave the money We're nice to him and said anytime you need a house right and instead he said and he's freaking out trying to figure out a way Should I send him the money back? I don't want to spend any much more time with these people The pressure that he's referring to is the them being nice to him polite when he sees them and sending him money That's not really pressure. That's just them being normal. We can call people assholes is what you do Yeah, oh, yeah, we do that mostly 90 to 95% of the time. We almost exclusively get emails from asshole You guys pick the asshole ones maybe yeah, we choose the we choose the biggest Because it's hard to really make fun of yeah, you feel bad

You feel bad making fun of them in that case Yeah, it seems like a family member of yours went out of their way to exchange currency and give you something You might as well be nice I'll also mention like there's a chance that Don is just being polite like she doesn't really want to visit her for three days Yeah, especially not this ass That happens all the time you like oh, yeah, we'd love to see you let us know and then you're like oh Thanks for the gift. I'll let you know and that's it and that's all you have to do and you don't have to be a dick I love the fact that he's considering sending the money back imagine that like oh

We got a letter from Talbot god. It's the 50 pounds back and nothing else Thanks, but no thanks your offer was clearly put undue pressure on by this blood money You can keep the cash blood rather die alone and poor than ever have to see you again I also might nice it might be nice to escape London and I get higher get higher in your voice That's good. I can slow this down. That's good. Yeah, I can slow this down He's stressed at school clearly and maybe he does go escape the country your family's not around forever It's good like go learn about your family. Definitely. It's your your aunt your uncle going or just be nice All you have to do is be nice and say thank you so much. I appreciate it. Yeah, no, this is what I would do

I'd be like yeah, if I'm ever around I definitely want to come or yeah Maybe one day. I'll let you know if I'm like and you wouldn't go leave London It depends on what Yeah, yo for me It's Susie if it's Amy if it's Allison. I'm fucking there. You know Yeah, yeah, if it's Nancy. Oh my god bad. Pat. I'm done. I'm done. No I'm putting Pat on blast putting Nancy on blast. Yeah, dude I'm telling you my my dad had the fucking dopest sisters. My mom's garbage. Oh my god

They're all listening to this. I know they're so fucking supportive Susie. No, no, no like They're all in the room. Oh shit. Yeah. Oh my goodness. My goodness. I invited my aunts to Los Angeles I send them $50 in the mail and an invite and they actually took me up on it It was insane, but you guys see me around hollywood. I'm going to these house parties me and my five aunts That's the tv show guys Me and my five aunts. That's the tv show. Me and my five aunts. I watch that and whatever bullshit You guys are trying to write. Can I at least give one note on the title? Yeah, my five aunts and I Why do you want to say aunts just to make it a little more? Is that an aunt? My five aunts and I

I like me and my five aunts. Me and my five aunts got a ring to it. That's at least let's at least pitch it Right. It would be a way not to pitch it. Yeah, I'm down for Amy Allyson. No, no, no, we know Susie would you like to talk about you going to parties? Will you go to a random party if you're not invited if a friend's like Hey, I'm going to this thing. Would you come? I wouldn't show up by myself Okay, but but I would go to if I would yeah, I'd walk into a party where I didn't know anybody If someone's like this, my friend is having a party. Yeah, so say like say you said my friend is having a party I wouldn't just walk in completely alone But I would grab Dave Rosenberg and just so you think somebody else. I wasn't about yeah

Yeah, just so I could like have somebody to talk to you I feel So anytime like there's a party and let's say someone sit down at evite or like there's a thing and whatever and I didn't get And I wasn't invited and someone's like, oh just come it won't matter. I always forward you the evite I feel so awkward. I was like, I won't I feel so weird like if they wanted me there No, it's great First two things I feel like most of the time when people send out evites part of it is like I'm sure I forgot to invite a bunch of people

So tell your friends right and the other thing is like when you're walking into a party Who knows where the host is most people there will just assume that you know the host some way Right. Nobody is like wait a second. Who does that guy know here? This guy just looked around the room like he didn't know someone. Do you know everyone here? The host do you know everyone for all my parties? I make everybody raise their hand. Yeah At the door, you know me. Yeah, but that was like what happened at college my freshman year of college Which I was like, yeah, you walk into a you like go up to a door and some Fucking older upperclassmen answer like who do you know here?

Like I know Mike and he like goes and asks Mike and Mike comes up and he's like, oh, yeah. Yeah He's so disappointed. Oh Because all they want is chicks to come. Oh another thing I'll say about parties is everybody wants their party to be Successful and crowded and good I think I guess I'm the opposite if I ever threw a party I think I'd want it to be like only people I trusted so they wouldn't hurt wherever we are I would be like so you don't hurt like let's say it's in my place or like, uh, or at a place. I don't know Well, depending if it's like if it's a dinner party or something intimate, obviously

I don't want to come but at this point I look forward to parties where I don't know anybody more than parties that I do Yeah, because there's more opportunity to meet new people. That's interesting. Is that a big part of your life? Do you want to try to meet as many people as possible now? I guess now that I'm in LA a new city I'd like to meet as many people as possible and you know single boss No, I'm not lonely. I'm just slopping. No, it's it's lonely by design I like to spend more time at home by myself reading a book and that's sort of what I like Would you have to a random person and just talk? Uh, not talk as much as I would like run away or like hyperventilate if I was to each talk to you

Yeah, I was gonna say you're like me. I wouldn't just jump up to a person. I didn't know him But you mean at a party? Yeah. Yes. You could you'd be great at that. Are you kidding me? I could I would be too self-conscious. I think if I didn't know somebody you are a very interesting combination of Very good with words, but also very socially anxious. I like or I just won't I just I don't know what it is If I'm with you if I'm with one of you guys and we're at a party and you're like, this is my friend blank I could talk to anybody forever. I love human. I was an anthropology major. I love talking to people and learning about cultures and everything But it's like, um, I was at a party stadium going up to them out of nowhere without knowing and especially

A woman if I was interested in a girl or a bar Or a bar like approaching a girl at a bar. I mean, that would be such a that's why that sweet spot is like Hey, meet my friend because like if you you know someone then I could be on charming great But if it's like me alone with someone and I'm like, uh, what do you um, where do you live? What do you do? I'm like, hey, I'm awful. That's yeah. Well, that's like why you don't like taking girls on dates You like inviting girls out to group events. Yeah, like is that true? Yeah Like if somebody is like, oh, you should meet my friend. Would you ever go out on a date with him or? With him, obviously no and the truth finally comes out people. I didn't want it to be like this

Afrodean slip of all things Uh, if I'm like, oh my friend really likes you Uh, send her a facebook message and then you do and then would you say? Oh, we should get a drink sometime just me and you or would you invite her to a group thing? Um, I don't know. I guess it depends how Um hot she is. Okay. Let's see. You're the worst. I forgot sometimes you're the worst. Yeah Welcome welcome back. The worst that somehow gets the best. Let's say she is hot She's hot. Then what is she like a fucking smoke show or is she like, what is this?

Is this the podcast? I want to know if she's hot or if she's like Amir's hot What's Amir hot? Give me a celebrity. Amir hot. It's me and a wig. Janine Garofalo. It's like bug bunny working with you. Amir thinks Janine Garofalo And he doesn't he doesn't know who Olivia Wilde is. Yeah Uh, no, I I don't know. I think I mean, I'm fine going on dates. I would do that I don't have to be like, hey, we should go out sometime meet this one girl one on one for a meal or a drink I think for me, it's just so hard because like I love my friends so much. So like

the when When if I'm if I'm gonna get a drink alone with someone that's that's me like not being able to hang out with Jeff Right, so I need to like for for me to like a girl more than Jeff. I would marry her so My ideal night is me a girl and Jeff Rosenberg. Oh my god I think you've dated women and you wouldn't bring Jeff Rosenberg out everywhere If ideally if I could if I hadn't yeah, I would probably never leave him ever So I love you Jeff if you're listening at the beginning, uh

It would be fantastic to meet somebody in a setting where you're introduced or you're like a warm set Like if it's a bar, I would have problem, but if it's like someone's house. Yeah, and there's not a million people there I have no problem talking to people. That's beautiful and great and just the act of talking I love doing and I What about blind date? Would you do a blind date? I think Man, that would be tough. I think but I will say once I meet somebody I have no if it works. Well, I have no problem with You know texting chatting with them and then going on dates with them by themselves Well, I think I think comedians have like an unfair advantage in terms of like texting because all texting in is is is trying to be

Clever and funny that's interesting and if it's our jobs to do that It's like oh, we're already ahead of the game if you're meeting someone who's like not in the comedy world Well, what about women that text you guys if they're not funny? Or if you like if they don't get what the fuck is going on or if they write ha ha ha too many times which I hate Yeah, like I remember if I a girl like often nothing just writes ha ha ha you know what I mean? We're like she'll say something and say ha ha ha right afterwards. It'll tell me nuts sometimes Yeah, um, but so what so what happens with that? Are you very keen to if you're like oh and texting this person has no

Quote on quote game or whatever. Yeah, will you drop quickly or no? I mean I can I get more interested if the girl can hang and be as funny as I am over text Yeah, I think I think it's attractive. Yeah, definitely text. I mean texting is great Surely they must be a little bit nervous around you guys who deal with comedy and words all day Depends on if they know some people don't know I've never you know everybody I've ever like dated is always like I have Intimidated by a beer But at some point they're like 15 year old Jewish boys too, which is weird at some point every girl that I've that I've ever Talked to is like um a mirror doesn't like me really. I think a mirror doesn't like I could see that

I could see people thinking you don't like them. Absolutely because I think because like no for real I'm not even doing a bit. Yeah. I've spent a bunch of time with you. I don't I don't even like you It's because you're you're like in social settings. You're a little more reserved so people are like and serious You'll be more and your jokes by the way your bits are far more like You'll be like, well, I want to leave like that as opposed to like a jokey thing and people will be like afterwards Yeah, I remember probably hanging out with you. You're probably a little socially awkward also. Yeah I mean in group settings. I tend to shift to the background more and just talk to the people you're already friends with Yeah, I think what it is is that I'm not overly

talkative and polite But I also got when I was even in college and stuff like People thought I was an asshole and back then my diagnosis was I always say the funniest thing And sometimes the funniest thing is to be mean and sometimes it's just be something nice But like if you catch me where the first two things that I think are funny are mean Then I'm a mean guy, but I don't actually mean it anymore than I do the nice things I'm just saying the funniest things that come to my head Do you think you're nervous when you talk to people?

So you try to make them laugh as opposed so you go right to mean as opposed to trying or whatever Yeah, I mean, I definitely always just go to funny try to be funny. Is that true always? Yeah But a lot of like I think that me or if they mean funny a lot of the time It's just funny because it's like the opposite of what people are expecting Yeah, what I do it if the people actually know who I am from like the internet or videos that we've done I do the opposite. I try to act like as serious and as intellectual as possible So the people know that I'm not an insane person Oh, right to to to disprove what you are is right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Do people come up to you mostly and think that you're a big idiot? Yeah, probably I mean, they've only seen me as a big idiot unless you listen to the podcast And you know the quote-unquote real version of me, but from the videos they just only you're kind of an idiot Yeah, yeah, I'm sort of podcast version or your real self to the jake that you play there. Um, Jake the Me on the podcast I think is like way different than me in the videos I'm almost boring sometimes because I all I do is straight You're such a straight man. Yeah, and uh, although when you get really pissed off you become a cartoon

Yeah, yeah, I get I mean I get goofy in the video sometimes and that's super fun But I think I'm I mean I'm better being a straight man in those videos anyway, and I prefer very very good I think a dynamic you guys have is very special. Thank you. I've said that for years. How long have I been doing those shorts with you? I mean 2000 do we eat the first ones we shot. I oh wait fuck it was dating coach dating coach So long ago. Yeah, do you remember how it started? Why you even did it? Did you ask me? I think sam reich suggested it sarah schneider introduced me to sam reich who then put me in high times editorial office The first college humor things you did and then that was the first thing I did and then I did a bunch of those right did a bunch of

Shorts, but then how did I get you one of you guys must ask me? I think sam emailed us and it was like you should put ben in a video Oh, yeah, and then we asked you and you were so enthusiastically into it. I bet I was yeah I think you guys are hilarious even then Had you seen our videos before you I must have I must have I watched all it's not like this podcast where you just came on Without doing any research When you were in those videos that was the first time I'd ever like experienced any Improvising like that's true in our videos. We did a little bit because we didn't know our lines sometimes

But like you would I remember that those videos like We would do all these different entrances and you would say something that was super funny I was like oh great say that again you would come back and say something totally different just as funny It just kept sliding on a chair. Yeah Like we had you just walking so much fun dude. It was great and I was it was like blowing my mind It's like he's just doing different things. I remember seeing you guys. I don't know It was the first time I remember seeing you a little bit nervous when I was playing with you Yeah, I never had it happened for the first couple and then never again

But I remember and I never because uh because it's yours. It's your thing So I wish I should be the one being nervous, but I remember right me or being Amir being nervous Well, we're not we have no like the people that we act with are all better actors than us because we have never done any Improv or any acting before so like we would ask people No, now we have and we've only done stuff that we've written But like when we had like you on early on they're like, holy shit This guy's a better actor than us any extra that we got that would audition was an actor that like like uh

That audition and like oh that person's a better actor than us or any comedian. It was funny. I don't give yourself credit I think it's because it's what you do so often that you did you downplay it I think what you guys do is very difficult Right and very good, but you probably don't see it Well, we're good at what we do because we've done it for so long But I wouldn't say we're we're especially at the beginning. We weren't necessarily how deep was that how far into jake and amir was that That was I was probably the first year wasn't it no way 2000 Yeah, just by the second year. So we had done like a hundred of 600 videos. That's crazy. It's it is crazy

I think that was the first time we were allowed to use John and john carlo too, right? Oh, yeah, were they always shooting? No, did they shoot that first one? No Who shot that first one? I don't know We had a couple at the beginning that weren't those two guys and then slowly it became them. Well interesting Is this not the forum to talk about this stuff? Should we talk about it? No, no, it's good. It's interesting My question Oh, if there's anything about the process at the beginning it was a written script I think you gave me

Yeah, and then you said I can do whatever I want but then slowly our process if anybody cares about it Is this something that anybody would care about? Yeah, they do This is the only No, like are we supposed to answer and say personal stuff? No, we did we did that now We can take a little break because people have asked me that also and I'll get stopped still I've done a couple other things and people still stop me for jake and amir stuff all the time Like I hung out with you and people were saying jake and amir shit always and stuff like that um, but uh

It began with scripts and stuff like that and then we started collaborating on scripts right now come in the day before And we would write and we would write them and we would have a fucking blast more time fun more fun writing it than shooting it Yes, it would be so fun And we you were the only person we ever wrote with aside from us two at the beginning. Do you still not do that? I don't know. No, that's true. We still I think we wrote like one um One thing with some other people, but that was it. We wrote with like murph and emily for our double date. Yeah. Yeah It's very interesting to watch uh, I fit in very well with you guys because I love the collaborativeness

And I love the improv aspect of writing but you guys writing together is very interesting in that One of them will say something and quickly the other one like an avalanche is already on top of each other as if they were Improvising the scene until they find something that works right and then decide if it's funny or not And then we go back and write it and it's like wait, how do we get into that? And so when it became us we wrote bullet points what we liked and then we start doing dialogue And then we got lazier and lazier and literally would write you're gonna be a milkman And we'll just decide what my occupation is first I mean the suck dick thing where that was all improvised. Yeah, that was not in the script

There was no there's a couple that were no there were no scripts as we were shooting that video as we were shooting part two We were just like we don't know what we wrote that like on camera There's uncut footage of that where we're just like figuring out what happens in the video It's so fun and interesting And uh, I know you talked about it when you did a film before and I said the film did was bad But it gives you so much freedom and joy that we had when it's like, oh, you know Let's how about this and we do it right and then we'll tweak it a little bit them like that would be hilarious Do it again and now that I know it's coming. I'm gonna do this response. You know what I mean, right?

But slowly like the scripts turned into outlines turned into Occupation turned into maybe you'll do this maybe do that And then um, but you're right. There's such a joy of figuring it out Like I think there's a deleted scene that I sent to you guys that I hadn't seen years I came across that was the couples therapy thing where I'm singing a song Yeah, stuck in the middle with you You do we did it once and then Amir's like do this and then jaco's yeah and do this and and you can see the exact process Yeah, yeah, it's really cool. But it's really really interesting and cool. Um for people who are into writing

It's a very unique way of writing and then not writing at all It's a very unique way of not just don't write anything. It did start with scripts. You guys write all your scripts I remember the scripts and then I remember when we were writing the um, the The mountain hiker was that what it was called. Oh, yeah, sure how we wrote that we wrote that in in the hotel room And we had like, oh, yeah It was a single page There was like it was a dash that said moo and then there's like a dash like we had no fucking clue Yeah, I I don't remember a shoot that we've ever done where we didn't all look at each other at one point and be like

Is this a video? We don't always and we always go is there a second half Like we always we'll always write the first half and then be like, oh god I mean, what do how do we there is no second half And there was one sketch where there really wasn't a second and I forced you guys I said, you know, it'll be hilarious. It was a nine second video of you just paying me By the way, it was a matter of my payment jay cracking up 30 times at the most dry fake But I loved it so much because I was and amir you're so against it jake. I think had my back jake really

I loved it. I loved it. Someone was not into it. Well, explain what it is You were nervous the first the first video is three minutes of bent painting me naked And then we did I think a weird accent and then he wanted the second video to be nine seconds of me Me going I think there is a matter of my payment and then going. Oh, yeah, that's right counting like that's how the first Oh, yeah So he's done. He's like, well, there's still the matter of my payment Right, you think it's gonna be this hefty second half that has all the action of how you give me a pain and all it is is Ben counting putting

Super dryly putting six dollar bills into my palm and walking away. That's it. That's it And that was a video that released on a thursday. I was like a jake. I'm a college humor and some people were so furious It was polarizing it was polarizing people were mad the previously on jake and amir was longer than the video But that's the magic of the internet we could do whatever the fuck we want See, that's that's one day when we're when we're rich and famous or dead We're gonna look back and be like those were the days when we hustled when we like Those are great memories. I remember making those back before I had any tv shows or anything like that That was so much fucking fun. I mean you still want to do them for some reason

I've been doing them for fucking right little to no money for my whole life. Yeah Supposedly people get paid for them. I found out this am I allowed to talk about it? Uh, sure. Yeah, why not? Whatever you want. I found out after many many episodes that people get paid to do the video And you're like, oh, uh, I've done 20 of them. Can I have a back pay for this? Can you favor my car like car to get back to my hotel? That made me laugh so hard when I found out people got paid like for one episode and I'd done 24 of them And I hadn't gotten paid at all, but I think someone paid me one time Here's the question

We're already past the 40 minute mark, which is how long we kept this video Should we make it a two-parter a good old-fashioned benchboards two parter? Do we have enough time before dinner guys? We're meeting Streeter for dinner. Yeah, we have another 45 minutes to an hour Let's do it. Let's end this one and go and get into it second one So today's monday's episode we'll call this part one and then thursday will be part two Uh, the first opening theme song with by someone named jack and jill and this last one is by someone named kevin Adams we'll be back on thursday to answer more questions with ben schwarz. Bye guys Think about protected sex

No one wants chlamydia Especially in your dong area Not with you. I'd lay off coke Don't matter if you don't smoke You might think it's hashtag dope But drugs are hashtag no You And if you think gmail's are the bombs then send your questions too. Why were you at gmail?