If I Were You - 520: Ex-Mas

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

In this episode we discuss re-gifting, de-gifting, and Amir's really interesting NY Times piece.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original.

This is a Jeet Kune never 👈à👈 This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. This is a Head Gum Original. Nice. That was good. They were right. That was Victor and Max on guitar and wrote a couple of theme songs.

That was just the first one. Bo Burnham's That Funny Feeling Parody. The second one will be a dating app themed. We'll play it at the end of Vance Joy's Reptide. So stick around for that. Yes. I am a Vance Joy stan. Really?

Mm-hmm. I didn't know Vance Joy sparked joy with you. Yeah. It sparks Vance as well. Actually, you might go to a Vance Joy rave slash concert tonight. They didn't cancel it, Vance Joy. Yeah. I was a little worried because it's in two basements, you know, not the first basement,

the basement prime, it's the subbasement, more of a crawl space. Yeah. Yeah. And how many people can you actually fit in the crawl space that small? That's what I'm... Yeah. Because it's already not that big. I think it's like, you know, it's standing room only.

Oh, no. Max capacity, eight people, but with the band already, that's a lot. So I'm going to try to get there early because we're going to have to cram in. I think they sold hundreds of tickets. Ventilation? Or how's that going to work out? Because if it's a Vance Joy concert, they're probably going to be getting pretty sweaty down there.

Yeah. Sweaty. And everybody knows all the lyrics to Vance Joy. So you sing in each other's faces. So all singing. Yeah. And then there's no like QR code for like the ticket app or the scanner. You have to like put your ticket.

It's a paper ticket that you put on your tongue. And then you French... Like an acid tab. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And you French the bouncer. Holy shit. That sounds so dangerous right now.

Yeah. But I feel like there's like so much Omicron already that I feel like the actual peak just happened and we're actually kind of safe right on the decline now. And I'll be able to let you know tomorrow after I'm going to do, I'm going to do like a rapid, a rapid test because then I'm going to volunteer at a kindergarten first thing in the morning. So... Yeah.

Actually, funny you should mention, I was interviewed by the New York Times about a rapid test tweet that I did. Yes. I don't know if you caught that. But it was kind of a big deal. Was it an interview? Were you interviewed by the Times? Were you quoted throughout that piece?

Or do they kind of just give you an Atta boy right up top? That's a good question. It was definitely the opening, the lead as they say in journalism. Yeah. And were they, did they like quote you throughout? Did they ever go back to you? If you would shut up for a second, I'd like to read the lead basically. R-E-D-E, the L-E-D-E, this is how...

Not quite the weekend edition. Not quite widely circulated. In the time, by the way, you get this delivered, right? So you can read this. I get it delivered on the weekends. I get it delivered, I get the Saturday, Saturday and Sunday, so I don't know if you made the cut there. Didn't yours come out on like something like a Wednesday?

All anyone wants for Christmas, writes Gina and Anna is a COVID test. That's a very good. That's a very good headline actually for the times. Scrolling down and we see the lead and it is the lead. And I am in the lead. When Amir Blumenfeld, yours truly, was deciding what to buy for a secret Santa gift exchange, he landed on something practical, an at-home COVID testing kit, quote, what better gift is there than peace of mind?

End quote. And that's from the interview. Was there an interview? Sorry. No, I actually wasn't. Mr. Blumenfeld, a 38 year old comedian, wrote in a direct message on Twitter. I didn't say a 38 year old failed comedian, 38 year old co-host of a podcast, right? And it said the interview itself was a series of questions asked to me on DM that I answered.

So you're not really an interview. It was the third degree. A threat. It was the third degree and I answered all the questions. Yes. And how many questions were there? Seven? Well, you screenshot send it to me.

Let's reenact to your interview because I want to see, we should get the fans of this show should get the behind the scenes. Actually the influx of listeners now who read about you in the times loved your lead. We should say welcome. Yes. Welcome to everybody who read the times piece on me. Yeah. We have to do some kind of pin tweet style thing in this podcast for all of you.

Just going forward, this is Amir's voice. This is me. This is Amir. I'm with a friend for now who's sort of a co-host style, though I'm looking to interview bigger deals as a co-host because I'd hate to just keep this show going with a non times piece because you don't have an op-ed in the times because you don't deserve an op-ed in the times. I've been in the times.

I've been in the times. I read, I sent you the questions that were interviewed via DM on Twitter. Right. Okay. So do you want me to go in order like question one first or do you want me to read this entire thing? Yeah. I mean up to you.

You can go one by one. Okay. Let's go one by one. You say your response. Okay. This is just so you guys know that New York Times journalist who sort of reached out to do the piece on me. Right.

Deemed me these questions. Yeah. So this is for the new style sort of gotcha journalism in a way about me. Okay. Right. For the new listeners that are coming our way from the times, my name is Jake. This is Jake's voice. I'm kind of the anchor of the show.

Not quite. Most of the reason. I'm an S Blumenfeld. Why? People tune in. I'm sort of a poet slash. I actually get a lot of awards in podcasting. I have a trophy room for all of my golden mics.

So welcome to the new heads and a howdy to my day ones who that's who I'm really performing for but at the same time. You know, welcome. Okay. Seize the cheese. Sorry. One, I thought your tweet quote, speaking of which is an at home COVID test, a good secret Santa gift was pretty funny.

But I also thought there's a truth very funny. Don't editorialize. I'm asking the question. It's an op-ed. It's absolutely an opinion editorial at this route to the interviewer at home test. At home tests have become a valuable item. And you share what prompted you to tweet that. That's funny.

Thank you. So the tweet and question was fire up. Sorry. Are you writing? Are you saying what you are you responding with what you actually wrote? Are you just setting the stage a little bit? Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm curious to know how the interview actually went with the Times Journalist. I'm not curious to fucking cosplay it again for your ego. I'm just setting the stage. The tweet heard round the world was fired off sort of haphazardly, but ended up making ripples in the journal sphere. I tweeted. I fired off kind of haphazardly on December 17th.

Speaking of which. You're giving a fucking oral history of it. You're giving it. I'm trying to fucking get what you said to the journalists that made it into the Times. You're talking about is an at home gift a good secret Santa gift and that kind of inspired this piece of history. All right. Okay.

Everybody knew that. Yeah. Yeah. Can you share what prompted you to tweet that? And I said, this is funny. It is secrets. It is secret Santa season I wrote and what better gift is there than peace of mind? I guess that answer was so great to even include in the lead that they were like, that's basically

we got what we needed, but let's see if we can milk this. There's six more questions and it sounds like they got everything they needed from that first response of yours. Sorry. Did you say cash cow? Yes. They were milking me and I said, what better gift is there than peace of mind? And then so you guys see it that quote actually continued.

They cut it off just for the sake of brevity, which is super important in the times. And I said, it's either that or a gift card for booze delivery, sort of like a wink in a nod to many people who will find like a gift card to like an alcohol, to be like a little coy. I feel like all of this is just like stroking your ego. Don't like just say what you've said. You're fucking explaining your jokes, man. I'm explaining it.

Yeah. All right. Second question. What have you noticed in terms of at home COVID test availability in your area? Have your friends and family been stocking up or searching for them? And that's a really good question. Thank you. Did you?

What's that? Forget it, man. You're not fucking reenact your. I just don't think this is an honest portrayal of how the interview went at all. I'm telling you what I did. It's already this conversation has gone to your head and you're like reenacting it as the guy that is already in the times instead of as the guy that was just answering the reporters.

Will you pick up a physical copy? Will you pick up a physical copy of this piece? Because I really think it would make for a good scrapbook. Demand I write for these tests are rising and supply is running out. I sort of took, I did like a bird's eye view macroeconomic point of view of this whole situation. Right. And I said, if I were a evil corporate businessman, I would hoard these tests and sell them for

profit. But since I'm a nice boy, I'll gift my friends free rapid COVID tests. Kind of like a cheeky, like, by the way, did you actually write that? No wonder they barely fucking quoted you since I'm a nice boy, I wrote because I'm a nice boy because I'm a nice boy for the first answer, which was what better gift is there than peace of mind, which did make the lead. That made the lead. And they made sure to comment that you were a 38 year old, not a nice boy, 38 year old

comedian and self-proclaimed nice boy, a mere blue. Next question. Are you planning to? Are you planning? Tread lightly because I fear this is sort of bordering on gotcha journalism now. Are you planning to gift at home COVID tests for the holidays? Have you received any as gifts? That's a very good question.

Do you say that's a good question over DM every single time? I have not received any COVID tests as gift, but would really appreciate them. And there's no better way to start your day than a quick nasal swab. I was sort of at this point, trying to pepper the interview with what I would consider pretty good poll quotes or leads. So like, it would be like, this is like an interesting thing to, you know, like when you read an article and they make one quote kind of large and the text, the small text around it kind of curves.

And you're clearly, you are clearly trying to do that, arguably trying too hard where, where like your answers became unusable because they're all just kind of like little, little quotable sound bites, little, little quote nuggets for your, that you're trying to shoehorn in a way. Have you been stocking up on the testing kits yourself? That's actually a really good question. I have a few emergent emergency tests at home. Yes. But like a true capitalist, I wish I had bought more when the prices were low.

This is the second time. This is when I'm sort of like trying to troll slash fish for compliment slash business ideas in which people actually, you said earlier, if I were an evil corporation, I would have hoarded them and driven the price up, but I'm a nice boy. So I'll give them as gifts. And then two questions later, you say, I wish I bought more so I could sell them. This, it started off as a secret Santa thing and basically it turns into a confessional about how you wish that you were stockpiling.

I hope to God that this suit, as soon as Omicron fades away, I'm going to buy 10,000 of these test kits and hoard them in my garage. But as it is right now, it's too little, too late. Yeah. Okay. Um, so, so you're, you're sort of, you don't have a consistent voice in this thing. So I can understand why they didn't, um, why they didn't use you throughout. Cause you kind of, they used me as a lead.

They used you for all they could use you for, which was the lead because they realized they couldn't put you throughout the thing. So they kind of just had to like throw it away. I wonder if she even read the rest of your, of the answers. Like, cause after you say I'm a nice boy, I sort of go off King and a few of them. Is there anything else you'd like to add on this? Let me guess. Great question.

That is a very good question. I just sort of kept it generic here. I said, I hope everybody can stay safe and home this holiday season. Remember only a few more decades and we can really defeat this thing. Kind of like a cheeky winking nod to the idea that we're now living in this new normal where the disease will never go away, but rather evolve over time. It's good that you're getting all these out because they were all read and denied, omitted, rejected, frankly, from the times.

They had, they had what appear to be seven different Blumenfeld quotes. And that's six rejections as like a baseball team. You can only use like a Brett Butler or a Derek Jeter style guy once. And usually you want to lead off, lead off batter. Is Amir Blumenfeld right for your name? If you're quoted in the piece and do we have permission to use your tweet in the story? LOL, don't act like you're not going to quote me in the piece. Yes, honey.

I am the piece. This piece doesn't exist without my tweet. You're welcome for the lead. And and it actually is a piece to resistance. Have at it. Use the tweet. Go hog wild. In fact, I have a few other kind of cheeky nods to covid that you can pepper

throughout the piece. What's your age, location and title slash occupation? Off the record, I'm 38. But no, I am a 29 year old multi hyphenate living out in Hollywood, California, making in the high house self. I'm 38. I am a comedian in Los Angeles. And I work for Head Gum, a podcast network that I founded with two friends.

Whoa, nice. They did not use that shout out. They didn't want to turn it into an editorial, which I totally understand. Anna was a sweetheart about it. Founded with two friends, two friends, two friends. Founded with two friends, not even dropping my name. Not even that at a boy there. What kind of possible that's low.

I could have been in the lead. I could have been in the lead. If you had made that cleaner, you included comedian. If you had said I'm 38, I live in Los Angeles and I run a podcast network or and I do Jake and Amir videos. How's that? Do then my name is then my name is in the times. And it's not just in the times.

It's actually the lead and and I would succeed if my name were in the lead. Does that ring true to you? Actually, Anna did follow up and say that there might be a place in the weekend edition for the swimmers ear tweet that you've been sort of knocking around. Really? Yeah, she was curious as to if you were going to actually fire that one off anytime soon, I could fire it off. Yeah, I might fire it off right now.

I don't know. Do you think Ross from Friends ever gets swimmers ear? I don't could see a world where they use it as a lead or its own thing. It wouldn't have to be the lead. Well, because it's kind of like it's it's style section. And frankly, I'm afraid you don't have that. I could be in the arts the weekend. I maybe I mean, it's it wouldn't be wrong for them to just include it in the

magazine because that's a little more permanent. That's something to put on the cover, you know, the tweet. Yeah, or maybe they'll catch me sort of walking around Soho and put it in their autumn sartorial guide about what new trends are sort of happening. Now, that's fascinating. Like, oh, yeah, they do that in the art section. They do like an out and about in New York City, like weekend happenings. Yeah.

So it'd be like a photo of me at Balthazar housing. That's really cool. And like, and who are you in? It's I'm I'm conudaling with with Christina Ricci or a Ricci type. Ricci type, Selena Gomez type or a Gomez style. Yeah, or an Ashton Kutcher, a Bobby Flay style guy, a Ray Fines even. Because that would be fine. So I but I'm there and I really interesting.

It'd be really interesting if I was with Schwimmer. I think that's kind of like because that's the tweet that made me famous. And they would say seen conudaling with David Schwimmer at let's call it the standard, actually, let's call it the standard on the day. Canudaling with Schwimmer at the standard. Hurwitz, who tweeted, do you think Ross from Friends ever gets Schwimmer's ear? And and rose to fame or rose to prominence or ascended the fucking upper echelon of society for this peak into our mind's eye as a culture who

penetrated coughing uncontrollably, saying that the bloody Mary he just chugged went down the wrong pipe when it's actually just a little bit too spicy for him. He ended up throwing up on his on his other guest, Vance Joy. He had to go home and change his incredibly hemmed shorts. A one one inch inseam, his dick and balls sort of hanging off of it. Obviously can't fit into the small, modified Japan style short that he's wearing on unsuccessfully tried to hail a cab for four minutes. These four saying, fuck it, I can hoof it to Brooklyn.

He instantly got clipped by an Uber in a Toyota Corolla S. The guy said, sorry about that, boss. And Jake didn't even have the fucking confidence to yell at him. Don't worry about it. His voice cracked as another bicyclist ran over his foot. Eventually he tried to hop on a city bike, but he couldn't unlock it. So he just sat in a stationary dock. And took a nap.

He said, hey, check this out. I'm in a Peloton commercial to nobody in particular. Hurwitz, 58 years young, alone and scared, unable to amend for anything that's gone wrong in his life up until now. But yeah, I guess the swimmers ear tweet was pretty good. Could be a lead. All right, let's take a break. And we'll do a much deeper dive into the piece.

Because I feel like we left some meat on the bone. Yeah, I really think we left some meat on the bone for sure. For sure. And maybe there's a question we can answer to after these messages. Oh, by the way, this is if I were you. The only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. Welcome. We'll be back after these massages.

Yes, welcome and hold on one second. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you.

Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of it. I do not. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great. Or yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test.

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You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, stamps dot com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Well, I'm coming. Gross.

Yes, yes, I do. Punch Up the Jam is back with brand new hosts. Demi and Mielle, the previous hosts, and then just Mielle handed over the reins to the Gregory brothers from Auto Tune, the news musicians, comedians, great guys. The first episode just dropped and they got weird owl on it. So wow. Punching up a song like it doesn't get better than that, I don't think. Yeah, talk about coming back with a bang.

So if you ever listen to Punch Up the Jam back in the day or maybe if you didn't and you want to start listening to this newer version with a new host, the Gregory brothers. Yeah, there's no better time to start now because they're back and weird owl is on their first episode back and I'm going to be on an episode soon. So I am going to be on an episode as well. What song did you do? I did Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys. Oh, cool.

I don't even think I know that one. I think, in fact, I know you do. All right, cool. I mean, yeah, I guess if it's the Beastie Boys, I've probably. I think you're obsessed with it, actually. No, it's what song did you do? I did Flavor of the Week by American High-Fi. Oh, that's good.

Her boyfriend, she don't know anything about her. What's wrong with that song that you said we should punch up? I can't imagine. It's I mean, I love the song. I think it's just a funny genre of punk songs. There's a lot of them, and I wanted to make fun of the idea that a lot of punk songs are about like a girl with a hot boyfriend that this like the punk guy is singing doesn't care about her.

But it's like, what are who are you, man? It's like, it's just really funny to be like, I'm a hot girl and I'm going out with the quarterback and the like the emo guy that is like, he doesn't care about you, I like you. It's like, I don't know, fine. Yeah, maybe don't try to break them up. Maybe she's actually with someone who's better than you. Guy from American High-Fi.

Right. There's a chance that it's all, you know, that it's fine. Yeah, I guess you have to appeal to the people listening to your song. So like 16 year old Jake would be like, yes. I did. I also have a crush on a girl who's dating a high school football player. And yeah, she she don't know anything about her. He's two stoned Nintendo. Yeah, and then it's funny because like when I think when I was turned like 16

or 17, I got a girlfriend and I was a complete ass. So it's not like you were the high school. Yeah, a musician stole her away from you. So it's like, wait, actually, yeah, now I don't like the song anymore. This guy doesn't like you. You know who's good for you? It's me. It's me. Everybody's Tom DeLong to you.

I like you. Hell, yeah, there's something in the bathroom. Actually, we got a question from somebody who was in a relationship of one and a half years and just broke up mutually. Do you know the name of anybody in American High-Fi? Is that the name of the band? I thought these guys were going to be like one hit wonders. But this guy, Stacey Jones, like they all went to the Berkeley Academy of Music.

And now he's he's like a songwriter and producer. And he's like the director for Miley Cyrus. So he's just like probably rich beyond your imagination because he's just like basically turns out pop songs for insanely famous pop stars. That's cool. And he's he's the guy from Stacey's mom, right? It's this guy. No, Stacey, I think the Stacey's mom guy actually died. All right, we'll call this guy.

Would you say Stacey Jones? Stacey Jones, yeah. Stacey Jones writes, I found myself in a sticky situation a month and a half ago. My girlfriend and I have one and a half years broke up. It was mutual and we both agreed that it was just not working out anymore. And we're still in good terms, which was important to me as we have a lot of mutual friends. During the relationship, I became friends with two other girls that my girlfriend didn't like.

She got very jealous whenever I hung out with them. And as a result, I pretty much stopped talking to them for the majority of my relationship. However, now that I'm single, I thought it would be nice to hang out with them again. For the past couple of weeks, I've been hanging out with a decent, with them a decent amount and now I'm starting to catch feelings for one of them. I've never felt so guilty about catching feelings as I never had them before. And I always saw them as a friend when I was in the relationship. I even had to defend them to my girlfriend multiple times, ensuring that we were just friends.

I was never unfaithful to my girlfriend, and I never saw either one of them as anything more than friends until just now. Should I feel guilty if I pursue this? I do genuinely have a crush on one of these girls, but I can't stop thinking about how upset it would make my previous girlfriend. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. She, it will make her upset. It will make her upset.

But do you think this guy really didn't have a crush on them until recently? Or he's just trying to lie to himself to justify how he told his girlfriend. They're just my friends. And then as soon as they broke up, then I became infatuated with one romantically. And now I want to date her, but I didn't. I wasn't emotionally unavailable to you. It happened after we broke up. I believe him. I believe him.

I think he probably he must have like felt something and maybe pushed it really far down, you know, just like completely closed that off. But I do think that the feelings, they probably were there. There's probably an inkling, but as long as you didn't act on them and it sounds like you really did, you're best to shut it down. So that's fair. Yeah. I mean, to me, breaking up is hard, obviously. But the best thing about it is that you can finally act on the crushes you had

while you were in a relationship. Otherwise, what's the point of going through a difficult breakup? You have to just sort of take advantage of all the good stuff. And right, the bad stuff is your lady might also, you know, act on her feelings that she had when she was in a relationship with you. So that's what happens. Yeah. The nice thing, you know, it's like it's when you're with somebody, you're like, I don't want to hurt your feelings because I love you were in a relationship.

But when you're not in a relationship, the feelings while still important, they're a little less your responsibility. Yeah, you are. There are no rules. You're good. You don't want to also like. Yeah, the hard part is like if you if the old lady, it's like a small college or a high school or something, and she sees you two together, that's the situation you're

probably wanting to avoid. Totally. But I think like it's the pure heart rule. You know that you didn't do anything untoward during the relationship. You know that you genuinely have a crush like you're not. I think the bad version of this is like, I broke up with my ex. She hurt my feelings. Fuck that. I'm going to fuck her friends. I'm going to fuck people that she used to be jealous of so I can hurt her. And then you're doing bad stuff to the friends

because you're just trying to like hook up with somebody that you don't actually care about to prove a point you're using them. And you're also trying to hurt somebody. So it's you're fully bad. This guy, faithful to the girlfriend, didn't have a crush on the friend. They broke up. It's they had an amicable, amicable breakup. Yeah. And now he actually just has an earnest crush on someone else.

I think you're allowed to pursue it and know that it might hurt her feelings. But I think ultimately hurt feelings go with the. It's part for the course in a breakup. You're going to have her feelings and maybe you can, you know, you can sleep well at night knowing she might be doing the same thing to you too. So it's even. It's not a one way street. And you said, at least she's allowed to. Yeah, it's a it's like you said, a mutual breakup.

Things get a little dicey or if it's a one way breakup, how long do you wait? What do you do? There's all these little silent rules around that. But yeah. Again, once you're broken up, all bets are off, I think. Yeah, they are. It doesn't feel good to hurt someone's feelings, but at the same time, you're not. The rules are gone. You know, the rule is you're not allowed to hurt.

You can't hurt the feelings of your significant other. You can't do that. But you can hurt the feelings of a stranger. That's what the person is an absolute stranger to you now. You are persona non gratis. She doesn't know your name. She doesn't know your status. Is that not what is that?

Is that not what Gatye is about? And Gatye? Yeah, you're now you're just somebody that I used to know. That's really good. You went to. I'm telling you. Hebrew school with Gatye. Is that? Yes, basically, I spent all of seventh

and eighth grade doing sort of Haftora lessons with Gatye and a few other my young Jewish adult friends. And we did, yes, why together? And Jesse, Rami, Gatye and we should have him on the show. We should have them all on the podcast to discuss. I want to say that. I don't know if we have a song on the podcast, right? Well, I think this was about like Gatye used to like make out

with Jesse's ex-girlfriend. Oh, interesting. Jesse's. So maybe we should have. Actually, I'd love to have Jesse on the podcast. That would be great. Jessica Standorf or something was her name. And now I think Jesse and Jessica married a lovely kid.

Yeah, that's why it didn't work out. But yeah, yeah, we need all these people on the pod. All right, let's take another break. Answer some more questions on the other side of these massages. Oh, yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode,

but the entire headgum network. Jake, wow, that's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby,

and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. Can we let her know with an Aura? Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device,

anywhere, and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com.

And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames.

A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy

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Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. This one is, we're not gonna get to it in time unfortunately. We're recording this before Christmas but it comes out two days after and the subject line is, I hope you see this before Christmas. Apologies. We just broke up.

So what should I do with the presents? Wow, okay. So we're gonna have to get a follow up pup. It's a lady. It's a lady we'll call her. Well, it's Santa Claus's, Mrs. Claus, right? She doesn't have a, does she have a first name? Santa, his first name.

I think it's Santa Claus, St. Nicholas. I'm not entirely. Who would, it has to be Santa's his first name and Claus is his last, right? Cause it's Mrs. Claus, not Mrs. Santa Claus. I can't believe she took his name. Oh, no, his name is Chris Kringle. Chris Kringle.

So why is she Mrs. Claus? Santa Claus also known as Father Christmas, St. Nicholas, St. Nick, Chris Kringle or simply Santa. Okay, what is Santa's wife's name? Let's see if that, yeah, just Mrs. Claus. According to some North American sources, his original name was Chris Kringle before he changed his name to Santa Claus.

Chris Kringle was a toy maker who married Jessica. Oh my God. Other names found for Mrs. Claus are Mary, Christmas, Gertrude and Carol. You don't think it's the same Jessica as that Gatye stole from Jesse, do you? Standorff? I don't think so.

Cause, well you said she had children and I'm wondering if the Clauses have children. I think it's the elves, elves. They just have employees. Yeah, they adopted 4,000 fucking. I assumed Norwegian small people named elves. That's what they are, they're kids, I think. So this, I guess, yeah.

So her name could be Jess Kringle. Okay, Jess Kringle writes, I'm a 24 year old girl and I've been seeing my boyfriend for six months. Last night we decided to end things but are in pretty good terms after a fight. We both were in love with each other and things were great until the end. Really sad, but we decided it's for the best.

Now here's my dilemma. We're about a week out from Christmas and I have a few gifts for him that I've already wrapped. Nothing big, just a few small things like playing cards he wanted, some soap, small art pieces from a farmer's market we went to. My question is what should I do with them? I don't want these gifts anymore.

On one hand, if I give it to them, he could perceive it as me trying to make amends and get back together, which I'm not trying to do. On the other hand, if I don't give him the gifts, I could be perceived as being petty and mean, which has already given me his gifts early and they were very nice things. He's already given her the gifts.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I just got these gifts a couple weeks ago. Should I try to returning the gifts to him? They were nice pieces of jewelry that I really like but we're not together anymore. Does that mean I can't wear them? Hope you guys see this before Christmas. Love, Jessica.

Oh, interesting. So he gave her gifts, it's jewelry. Yeah. And she's wondering if she should even give the gifts that she got him while also contemplating if she should return the gifts and get the cash? No, return the gifts to him. Return the gifts to him.

This whole thing sounded like a goddamn Ponzi scheme. What, she wants to borrow money from us to fucking afford the bus ride to return the gifts to get the cash but she's good for it? There's no way. I'll give her my bank account information but she shouldn't have carte blanche access to my savings. She wants to know she should return these early Christmas

gifts back to the dude. And then furthermore, should she give the gifts that she got for the dude to the dude? Or do you just say we're broken up? No gift is going back. No gift is going out. We're just freezing the assets as it were. Everyone go their separate ways.

Yeah. She didn't say, did she say what kind of breakup it was? Was it like mutual? She said it was mutual? After a fight. So friendly-ish. Yeah. I think in that case, it depends what you want

because I feel like saying I'm gonna give you this jewelry back, you should return it, get your money. That's more like door is closed on this relationship. And I'm gonna give you, hey, I got you something too. Let's just have a gift exchange is you guys are gonna fuck and get back together. So I think one is door open, one is door closed.

Which one do you feel more like, are you having second thoughts about the breakup? Do you wanna see where things go? Or do you feel like, damn, I'm glad we broke up. That was a bad relationship. I'm happy to be out of it. In that case, give the stuff back. Yeah, but giving the stuff back seems kind of like,

unnecessarily antagonistic. Like you're out of my life, take all the gifts that you've given me back. And also you don't get any of the gifts that I've raft, including this deck of playing cards that I know you won. Well, she wouldn't even mention that. She just says like, hey, you gave me, right, you gave, yeah, or she returns them.

You gave me Christmas gifts early, then we broke up, you should return them. I don't want you to spend money on me. If it's nice pieces of jewelry, that might be a couple hundred bucks back, which goes a long way. It's an $80,000 diamond piece. It's a really nice piece.

It's actually, it's in a display box. You can't even wear it. It's a 40 carat diamond rock that he bought from an auction house, a Christie style auction house. You could actually stunt with just the fucking display box. Really? Because that is a diamond encrusted display box

that if you put that on a band and wear that as a bracelet, even the display box will let you, it will let you flex on your haters, to be honest. That's kind of cool. You could stunt on them. Well, what about, what would you do? The old, the classic, if I were you,

somebody gave you gifts, you got them gifts, they break up. What are you doing? Okay, so I'll call this a, somebody gets me a $200 watch and I have bought them a bracelet and then we break up. And it's actually a pretty nasty fight. She says some things that she can't take back. Including things that you can't un-say.

Oh, things that I can't change. Things that I know how you hated them. Oh, yes, yes, yes. That was the God's honest truth. You need to bless truth. My gum line, very good, very nice, very honest, very direct. Wish I knew that beforehand, nothing I could do to change it, so it goes.

Let's not say anything we don't mean, but hell, even worse than that, let's not say anything we truly mean, but wish we could hide. You know what I mean? I don't wanna know what you really think. That's hurtful shit. So I have a bracelet that every time I look at it,

reminds me of how someone I love said I had fucked up teeth that they couldn't stand. I don't want that in my house. I don't want that in my life. I think I say, well, I think, oh man, what would I do? I'm pretty conflict-averse, so I wouldn't want to initiate any kind of like, if the breakup is over, if the breakup is done,

I would probably let everything just stay. I would keep the stuff and maybe try to give it away, maybe try to gift it, or maybe hang onto it to give back someday when things have cooled down and everybody's moved on. And I'd return and not give the gifts. But I think the right thing to do is to find a way to know hard feelings,

give back the jewelry, because the guy can return them and it's good to get your cash. Final answer. If you're conflict-averse, then you should return the conflict diamond that he gave you. That's right. I have reason to believe that what you're holding onto

is none other than a blood diamond. From the classic 2007 Leonardo DiCaprio movie, The Revenant, in which it is a tainted, tainted piece. There's blood on your hands and there's blood on your conscious. What I would do is just not reach out, because I would like, I treat an X, and actually it's funny because this is about X-miss

and it's about an X. So it's like an EX-MAS, if you know what I mean. And that's the title of this episode. And that's what gets me, potentially though I don't want to fucking hammer it home, but you know, ultimately, I don't know if it's up to you or to me or whatever, but I think I did pretty good this episode

and tis the season and all that stuff. So yeah, well let that- You're getting a little grubby because you already got the lead. You got the New York Times lead. Let's not overreach, don't you think? Yes, and yeah, I didn't even want to bring it up, but I thought that was pretty good.

So I was afraid that you weren't listening or something, but it is Christmas after all. Let's give me the golden mic and you the turdy. Happy holidays, everybody. Merry Christmas, happy Christmas. Stay safe, happy New Year. Hope you have a good one. And you know, keep on truckin' and keep on keepin' on.

Bless up and yeah. Be kind to each other. Thanks. Be kind to each other, thanks. Yeah. Do you think you've been kind to me? I'm finished. Thanks.

Thanks. Jake out. It's kind of cool. Nice. Yeah. Why don't you cut? Because we'll cut the episode. Cut the episode, okay.

All right, maybe splice in, because splice, I'm just saying, because I said thanks, then I said, Jake out, and then I think I accidentally kind of was like, oh, that's pretty cool, and I don't want to, I don't want to come off that way. I'm leaving all this in. I'm not, you don't give me any editing notes ever. Yeah.

In fact, I'm going to make it a longer pause now. I'm going to make it sound like you were struggling to think slash breathe. I'm going to add it, you going, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee. Gasping for air at the thought of finishing the episode like that. That's what I'm going to add.

You get the fucking trophy, I get the final cut. I'm going to make you look like a butt. You're fucking petty. Fucking petty, man. I would not reach out to an ex. I would let the bygones be bygones. If you want to give them the gifts down the road as a means of like, hey, no hard feelings in a few months,

go for it. But I wouldn't do it now while tensions are high and the wound is festering. Emotions are open out on the table. Everybody's too vulnerable. Let, let there be silence between the two of you to let the wound heal first and foremost. Yes.

That's what I would do. I like that. Time heals the wound. The return policy is probably 30 days. So you're going to be okay. Yeah. You still got a few weeks at the very least. And then in five years, give them a playing card.

Yeah, yeah. Do let us know because we were too late again this episode is coming out. I think on the 26th or 27th of December. Oops. Oops. I'm sorry. Okay.

All right. That's it. That's our time. Thank you for listening. Thank you for writing in questions, theme songs, all of it too if I were you show at gmail.com. Shout out to the New York times again for covering me. Oh my God.

Appreciate the magnifying glass on something that I considered pretty important. And I guess the times did too. We have that in common. Jake subscribes to the times and I'm fucking in them. That's the difference. We are still making videos on the Patreon. So, yeah, patreon.com slash J.A.

I think we put up a Jake and Amir episode. So there's one that you can watch. What else? I haven't got. You fucking, yeah, you fucking steamrolled me. You like, you shouted yourself out so hard at the end. Your plug was that you're in the times and I get it. Like, I don't think that's being kind to each other.

Thanks. I don't think it's being kind to each other. Thanks. I don't think it's being kind to each other at all. Opening theme song was written by the same duo as this closing theme song, The Vance Joy Riptide Parody. This is Max and Victor. PS, bring back testing, testing.

Wow, shout out to our bonus Thursday testing episodes. And then PS, we're rooting for you to get that golden Mike Schmuel. I wonder if. Too late for this episode. Too late for this episode. The New York Times thing, that was tacky. It was self aggrandizing.

Self aggrandizing, you've given yourself a fucking fake trophy for seven years in a row. You don't get to use that word in vain. You want to speak ill of it. Yeah, thank God you didn't get it because you obviously don't give a shit. Thank God it's not yours this episode. We have no fucking respect for it.

Thanks. I think this is the last episode of 2021. What a fucking epic year. I think 2022 is going to be even more savage, probably. Yeah, shaping up to be a real banger. It's going to be, yeah, this is a. This will be our year. Took a long time to come.

Time to come. Yeah, love that. All right, happy new year guys. Happy holidays. See you next decade. Bye. Peace. One, two, ready, and.

I was scared of hinge and tinder. I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations. Oh, all my friends are virgins. They don't know of anything about dating. Ooh. Ooh. So I signed right up. Lady going down the road and running.

Making her way through the start screen. I want to be your right-hand swipe. I love you even though I never met you. And I got a lump in my throat because I just lost an ear, mom. Fuck. There's this podcast that I think you'll like. This guy decides to leave LA

and has New York City this chipmunk. So I'm south. He's watching Jake on SNL. Hell yeah. That was a hit gum original.