If I Were You - 522: Bike Riding

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

In this episode we discuss wisdom teeth, branded content, and the "Friend Zone."  If I Were You is now on YouTube as a video podcast! Watch the inaugural video episode! Of course the podcast will continue to be available as audio wherever you listen, but subscribe to the If I Were You channel to watch them every week!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Can you not fall asleep right now? We need to talk about that disgusting habit that you picked up. It's called butt chugging, and last time I checked, it wasn't disgusting. Really? Have you checked recently? A mirror is shining in the sky. No golden mic inside. I'm in trouble.

NBA was in a bubble. You're the only Advice podcast on the web. Jake Speeds down the avenue. Woo! Burning Man starts so soon. It's 7.30, and Damir has got his turdy. Tung is going to use together make if I were you. If I were you,

what should I do? My ex is thirsting me on Insta. Insta. If I were you, what should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? B.J. If I were you, what should I do? My ex is thirsting me on Insta.

Insta. If I were you, what should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? B.J. If I were you, what should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? B.J. If I were you, only tell me what to do.

Jesus, if you only knew, share with me your voice. Wow. Hold on. There's four more minutes. I accidentally quiet. I mean, I just said, that'd be fun. Do you know that song? Do you know the parody?

It's a Beatles song, right? No, it's Mr. Blue Sky by ELO. What? Made popular from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That's when I found out about it. Got it. Yeah, it's very familiar. Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why you had to hide away for so long.

So long. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Okay. Guillermo and Austin say that this song, theme song, was years in the making. And their hope is to hear it sometime before 2025. Well, I'm glad you played it in its entirety. It deserved it. And we're going to play it at the end.

Remember that new rule. That's right. Yeah, that's a new resolution for us. Written by Guillermo and Austin, two listeners from, you'll never guess. Buffalo. Austin, if you can believe it. Yeah, that makes sense. We'd love if you shouted out our podcast, Blank, and then they go on to explain the podcast.

Thank you, Austin and Guillermo. Amaste. Amaste. Why don't you shout out the podcast? I'll reach out. I'll put them in touch with Marty for... Sponcon. Sponcon.

Sponsor content. You're going to play their song twice. It's giving you an intro and an outro to your podcast. Yeah. So you pay by giving them a shout out. I'll fucking shake. And I'll charge them an extra CPM because we already gave them a shout out so we can build that into the buy.

The ad buy, actually. You should focus on doing the podcast and less on monetizing. I want you spending less time with Marty, okay? Because actually he enjoys it either. I'm down to spend a little less time, say 50 bucks a day. I don't see him at all. All right. You're just trying to monetize your time constantly.

Yeah. I figure if I can... You're not worth anything. If I can pay... Get paid by enough people. That's what I'm trying to say. To not hang out. You have no value.

Then I can sort of monetize... Zero. Even time that I'm not hanging out with you. That's really interesting actually. Like a lot of people... You're useless. So you'd have to pay me not to talk about something. Bring other people down.

You de-elevate. Yeah. You're like an excavator. All right. Fine. It's called tournament style. Are you happy? The podcast is a two-man comedic show where we host a tournament every week and figure

out the best thing in any given category. So shout out. That's... Tournament style. That's a good... It's a good show. It's a good show. I like it.

Yeah. It's like March Madness, but like, you know, with other things. I think Billy and Adam do that on their podcast sometimes. And these guys just made it their entire podcast tournament style. So thank you, Austin. Turn this out. That's really good. Austin from Austin.

It's like all fantasy, everything meets the goat show. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, interesting. So that's... A.K.A. The Perfect Podcast. We own that show now.

I don't think so because it's... Because me and Mike had kind of like ranked products and it sounds like they come to a consensus. All fantasy, everything is a... I want to roll that IP into our umbrella. Ella, hey, hey, we own your thoughts, thoughts, hey, hey, hey. This is Ewan in court. You have to be sworn in, Mr. Blumenfeld.

Really? I was going to say that I rested my case as it were. Ace, ace, ace. Under my case, ace. Were we going to say make another podcast where we combine two shows? Yeah, we could just make it as a podcast, but you wanted to roll it up and sue them or something? I don't know.

What other two shows can we sort of mind meld into its own third property? So like punch up the jam and NAD pod. So it's like almost this D&D meets Airbnb. And I want it to be sponsored by VRBO. I know I told you to stop thinking about sponsored, but I actually also want you to stop thinking about the creative. Let's not have you focused on ideally anything at the company. You could not own any funnel that we have at Headgun.

Any bucket. I'm wondering if there's even like a distracting toy I could have to keep me at bay slash busy while other things happen, you know? Cool. Yes. I think you should still have a fidget spinner at your house somewhere. I could spend time with that. I could spend time with that.

Yeah. So I'll use that instead of slack, for example. If we ever did another season of lonely and horny, Ruby Jade should have a fidget spinner. Hey. Not a dress, but just you're at the bar with a fidget spinner and a cocktail. And I'm really good at it. Popping it from one finger to the other. Yeah.

It half did not be impressive. All right. This is if I were you. The only advice pod on the web hosted by, well, me, I'm Amir. I am Jake. We're on video for the first fucking time. Yeah. Talk about monetizing shit.

Why don't we put some of our audio content on YouTube as a video? That's right. Yeah. Let's try. We've had our podcast for what, eight years? Nine years? Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe it's time to try that. Yeah. To try to grow the show. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Maybe it's time to grow show. I show.

Well, there's an awful lot of traffic and it's in decline. No. Our show is dying, basically, and we're trying to revive it as it were. This is the defibrillator slash video version of our show. You can obviously still listen to it. You're listening to it right now. You know that. Right.

And you might be watching it. You might have already been hip to the fact that it's on YouTube because we're going to put it on, I don't know, Head Gums YouTube. If I were to use YouTube, Jacob would use YouTube. Yeah. I think it'll be somewhere. So you might already be watching it just because it's in your feed. Actually, we got a follow-up pop that's a little visual.

So this is perfect timing. I can share my screen and I think it'll record it as a little screen share action. This is the guy who thought he had a zit on his lip and wanted to know if he should go in for the kiss as a second date. Yes. I recall. And you said that you needed to see it. I did.

You know, we're like, we can't say for like, certainly. And you said, I think you said it was fine and I said, don't go until I have more information. Is that correct? Yeah. That sounds right. And then we didn't know, you know, sometimes people overblow it. Sometimes people underblow it. Is it a colsaur?

Is it a zit? We just didn't know. So he sent us a picture and he said, we kissed. It was okay. I think she was avoiding the growth on my lower lip. Hopefully she'll see me again. You don't think it's a colsaur, right? It's probably not a colsaur.

What do you think? I mean, it went from a zit to the growth. The growth. The growth sounds large. That was a... And in charge. That, yeah. That was a red flag and then he sent us this pic, which you know, I sent to you and you

said we should talk about. Let me open it just so you don't see anything else on my incredibly private screen. Right. This is going to go wide. Oh, oh dear God. Yeah. So that's... Oh dear me.

I mean, so how would you describe that to our audio listeners? It's, I mean, that's a severe white head on that zit. It feels like he went, to me, I think he went to great lengths to leave the white head. So no one would think that it was a colsaur. Does that track? Like that looks like it's a white head about to burst to me. And it's basically half on his chin and half on his head. The thing that makes me think it's not as it is that it's not like, you know, a lot

of zits end in a point, almost like the top, the tip of a snow capped mountain or a volcano. This one is sort of a flat white disc. There is no peak. Yeah. It appears to be a valley. It's a Mesa. It looks like, it looks like this, a scenery in Sedona, New Mexico or Arizona or something like that.

A long, flat white Mesa of sorts. A flat toe. I frankly can't believe he even wrote to us asking for advice. This is a clearly don't go situation. This is a cancel the date. It is, it's half, it's a quarter of his lip, I think. No, now you're embellishing. It's a, it's a, it is half on the lip, half on the chin area, I would say.

It's almost like if you were playing shuffleboard and it landed like this, that's a hanger. It's a hanger off. This is what you want. This is that four point shuffleboard zit. Almost almost half that it would fall over, but not quite. I would say it's like 48% on lip. Yeah. 52 on chin.

Goat shuffleboard shot, a woat zit, I would say. I mean, our people, we're describing a zit in detail. Does this make people want to watch the video more or less? I guess we'll, we'll have, we'll have data soon. I personally wanted you to cut it away from that video as soon as you share this. I'm amazed whoever this girl is, you should marry her because she's very chill. Yeah. Also, is it cold sore or cold sore?

I think it's cold, C-O-L-D. That is correct. Nice. But it's pronounced coal, is it? Yeah. I don't know. I think it's pronounced. Or people say cold sore and like you just sort of drop the D, cold sore, cold sore, cold

sore. Yeah. It's cold. Yeah. You hardly say the D right when you're like describing how cold it is in a room. Cold. Yeah. It's cold in here.

Cold sore. I say cold. Cold. I didn't say it pretty hard. Cold sore. I would say, I feel like I accentuate the D. Do you know that cold sores are herpes? Yes.

Yes. So it's the same little infection. It's a herpes infection, but it's on your lips. And you know, once you have it and you get it repeatedly, but then if you don't have it, you never get it. Are you a have it and get it repeatedly or a never get it? That's weird because I guess I've never gotten one, but I also feel like I've heard that the majority of people have whatever type of herpes that is, like herpes one or two

or A or something like that. Yeah. The Delta herpes variant. Yeah. Most people have the one that has just the mouth sores, but that's fine. And then there's something completely separate, the canker sore, two different sores. Is that herpes too? No.

I think canker is just like any like lesion in your mouth. Like if you bite your cheek or if you like brush your teeth and that little white fucking canker opens up to heal. Yeah. Those are on. I've gotten a canker. I don't like the canker. Have you ever had two cankers that'll fucking ruin your month to have two that will tank

your weekend? A tanker sore is when you have four in a row. It's like you're playing battleship in your mouth. You suck my mouth. Oh, God. Four cankers is a tanker sore. God. God.

Three is an anchor sore and two is just a canker. Did I tell you I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Monday? No. Jesus. I'm getting two, my remaining two wisdom teeth out. I had two out a couple or like 10 years ago. Are they in, like are they fully in or are they like behind your gum line? They're fully in.

I don't. The dentist that did my original, I feel like I've talked about this before, the dentist that did my original, what is it called, wisdom teeth removal, the extraction. He said that I had enough room in my mouth for these two over here. So and he was like, it's too much to take out all four right now. So I'll do these two. And if you need these ones done later, we can do that. And everybody that I've seen since is like, that's insane.

If you're getting put down to take your teeth out, you should just got all of them. And it was painful and I didn't like it. So I put off getting these two out for 10 years. But now they're starting to crowd, crowd my teeth. I didn't have the room that that fucking quack said I did. So I'm going to get my upper and lower wisdom teeth on the left side of my mouth out on Monday. Wow.

So you're not, you're going to be out of commission for a few days, aren't you? That's not like a, I can record on Tuesday type of ordeal. Yeah. I think I'm like definitely out on, I put it, I put in the head gum out of office calendar that I'm not in on Monday or Tuesday. Wow. And I imagine that even by the time we record the next podcast, I'll have a chubby cheek. Maybe the beard will hide some of it.

But we'll see. Check back in. Subscribe to the video podcast now to see how I look post surgery. And it's interesting that it's only on one side because I've seen like the puffy face where they get them all out at the same time. Yep. I'm unfortunate in that regard too, because I think I never had wisdom teeth. Like some people just don't grow them.

What? That's incredible. Not only that, but I think I also had four like regular teeth removed. So like I have, your average is 28 and if you have wisdom teeth, it's 32 and I have like 24. I have less teeth than normal. That's so weird. You got your teeth.

And now that we're doing a video, I only have like two, I have four teeth on the bottom. I only have two molars. Wow. And then some people have a third and then like the wisdom is even behind that or something. I feel like mine on the left side, just go back forever. Yeah. That's why. Also, but I can't open my mouth all the way.

So I wonder if like I'll be able to do it more when I get, don't have these wisdom teeth in. I have like the TMG, TMJ, listen, everyone listen at home. This is the sound of my jaw cracking. Ready? Yeah. Oh. Oh, you hear that?

Yeah. It sounds like there's an aluminum can in your throat. Yeah. It does that. I'll do it on video for everyone too. You can kind of see how my mouth has to like move to the side. If I go wider than a couple inches, I, it'll lock up. It seems like everybody has something, maybe even two or three things like that could almost

be a podcast. Like what's your thing that you deal with and it's like this weird personal thing that you have. Like, oh, by the way. It's your ailment. Yeah. Like the jaw thing is like such a big part of people's lives that have it bad. And like if you don't have it, you don't think about it at all.

Yeah. Like, right. I remember when I was going to r slash no burp. It's really, it dominates. There's a subreddit for every single ailment and people are in there discussing. I sometimes dip in when something is bothering me. What's your ailment? That's good.

Yeah. What's your ailment? What's your damage? For a while, my ailment was acne, like figuring out how to hide zits, remove zits, get rid of zits, like put toothpaste on zits while I slept. Yeah. And the acutane. The acutane was, I thought that I was going bald when I was like 28, because my hairline

is like receding, but now that I'm 36 and it hasn't changed since I was 20 in my 20s, it's like, oh, that's fine. But when I was in my 20s, it was less than the peak, but now I'm 36. It's kind of the same as everybody. So I really leveled out. Yeah. So it went back and then it sort of stayed until everybody caught up to it. Yeah.

Like went high on both sides, like higher than it was in college. And I was like, oh, my God, it's going, it's going. And I was like freaking out and then it's just sort of, it's paused since then. Yeah. Have you ever shaved, gone full buzz? No, because I can also like kind of feel, I like can feel a mole on my scalp that I feel like if I, if I shave my head, I'll have to deal with. Yeah.

I don't want it. I don't want to do it. All right. Now that we've gotten sort of our mouth ailment slash cold sore. Interesting to fucking shave my head. Yeah. I think it would look bad. It seems like everyone should try it at least once, right?

Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Everybody, we all deserve to see what our head looks like, is shaped like. I remember buzzing it a few times in New York. Yeah. Right. You did it recently.

I guess I did it like in high school, but high school doesn't go. Yeah. It'd be a fun bet. It'd be a fun bet to do now. Yeah. We could do our, our Super Bowl bet this year. Oh, that is, it is coming. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I would be so sad. I don't know. I don't know how to handle it. All right. Let's take a break. Come back after these sponsors and answer some more questions. Yep.

I guess answer questions at all, really. Right. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test. The sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah.

So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't, I don't. How do you sleep for the better part of a decade?

Excuse me. Don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it, ass. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test.

That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Come on. Yes. This is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix.

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And we're back. Hey, Jake, do you have any? Not that I can think of, but maybe you do. I picked up a pretty interesting pandemic hobby recently. Maybe it would be for other people too. Started riding a bike, actually. Might be that's kind of a cool thing that I. That's my hobby that I bring to the masses in a way.

I want to be like almost a leader of the pack. You're not the leader of the pack. I remember I'm leading this particular pack because I've been riding a bike for a long, a long time. You just learned. Yeah, I just learned this. I learned how to ride a bike. So like you, you're just like, I always knew.

So you didn't really do anything. Yeah, I started riding like seriously. I would feel like 50 mile bike rides seriously. It's you ride a bike. You've always ridden a bike. I'm learning literally from scratch. So like I will go with Avital to the LA River bike path. And when it's nice and wide open, I can stumble as I start.

Sometimes sometimes fail and then sometimes get the ball rolling. And once the things are rolling, the wheels, you know, to go forward, I can go for a little bit. I'm happy for you, by the way. Like the way you're bringing this to the table, that's what miffs me. That's what rubs me the wrong way. The fact that you're trying to present this as like this. It's almost like a gift that I'm presenting.

Yeah, you're not like a bike ambassador. Yes, that's the word. I'm going to bike. You're a Klinger on. You're a you're a fair, fair weather fan, a fair weather biker. That's true. I only like to bike when it's nice and sunny out. That's right. I just biked.

I biked last week when it was like 48, so it's too cold. Not for me. Oh, wow. But anyway, yeah, yeah, tell me everything. I'm excited for you. So it's it's still difficult for me to start like when I because the bike that I bought for myself, they move the seat quite high because they want my legs to be extended fully when they're on the pedals, which means I can't sit on the seat and then straddle and hold it down,

which is how I feel comfortable. Like if I fall, I can always do the splits and I'm on the seat still, but this. But no, because I'm an adult male. I got to fucking have my legs extended on the pedal, which means if I fall, I'm literally like, well, I mean, I think there's a happy medium there. I would have to like each. They can lower the seat a little bit. They could. They should be like, I think you should be able to

get your I mean, what you're supposed to be able to do is I can tip. I can tip, but I can't do both. I think you should be able to be on the ground with both feet on your tippy toes, maybe even half tippy toes, at least to start. Yes, I would agree. Anyway, so braving that fact, it's a little difficult to start, especially when it's crowded, like we went on the weekend and there's like bikes zooming by and like, you know, when I start, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And then I straight like I can't do the whoa, whoa, whoa part. Especially when you got to start people walking dogs. I'm like, I'm going to run over this poodle. So when it's busy, I like a nice open street, I can do the wobble. And then I'm straight. And then once I'm straight, I'm like fucking, I'm kind of like white knuckling, keeping my arms straight, trying to like stay astray. I'm never like not yet at least because I've only, you know, done this a handful of times.

I'm never just cruising straight in a relaxed fashion. Right. Do you are there moments where you like it? Well, like, or you just are you kind of like gritting your teeth to learn because you think you'll like it? I'm sort of equating it to skiing in that. It's kind of cumbersome and difficult to get to. But then once the movement is happening, it's nice. And it's like, OK, I can see the appeal of this.

And I'm, you know, moving faster than I would walking. And now that I'm going, I can stay going and feel the wind in my hair. And that's nice. And did you buy a new bike? I bought a bike about a few months ago, but I haven't really ridden it much until recently. What kind of bike is it a road bike, mountain bike cruiser? Probably not a mountain bike. It's thick wheels.

It's not like a skinny wheel. It's sort of I just basically said, I don't know how to ride a bike. What do you recommend? I wonder, send me a link to it. I bet it's how many gears does that it has seven. And here's the problem. I never know which gear to go to because I mean, I'm not going up hill and down hill. So like, I just keep it at two.

Is that fine? Is that normal? Yeah, if that feels I mean, I think you want to be getting like. One full rotation on the wheel for every time you spin the pedal. Right. And I'm not even thinking about that. I'm not like, how many rotations am I getting here? I'm just like going or stopping, trying to start or falling. Those are my four votes. Yeah, that's cool.

So, but it's totally about a feeling. If it feels like you're pedaling and it's propelling you forward fast enough with enough effort, that's good. But if you feel like you're gnashing on the pedals and your wheels aren't spinning, then you're too low of a gear. Here's another question for you. The gear changer is just like a button. You click down and it changes. How do you know whether it's changing up or down?

Every bike is different. Like I know on my bike that if I press one button, it's going it's going down a gear. And if I press another button, it's it's going up. There's like two different buttons. Mine, I think is almost like a bell being rung. Like I just press it down, but maybe I can push it towards me with that change. Is there only one? Only one. What?

Is there only one? What? You're embarrassing me. You know that I don't know the answer to that question. Is there only one? So now I look like a little lever. You look like a fool for blowing up at me the way you are. Is there only one of those like little levers? There's not one on the right and one on the left.

Yes, it's only one gear thing on the right. OK, yeah. So maybe going down, there's a difference between pulling it down and pushing it up. Oh, interesting. There's probably a yeah. I think there must be something in the direction that is going. And what point I got to I was at four and I like pressed it and it was like down to three and then I pressed it again.

I'm like, oh, down to two. I'm like, oh, I better not go down anymore because I don't know how to go back up. Like these are permanent decisions I'm making here as far as I'm concerned. Send me a photo of it. I'll I'll look into it. OK, we could do bike talk with the screen share next week. Yeah. And then also, have you ever adjusted the brakes?

Like one of my brakes was sort of like rubbing against the wheel, even not squeezing it like, you know how there's these little rubber pads are supposed to like hover a millimeter away from the wheel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can almost like adjust it with a screw. Right. I I have adjusted the brakes before I've had like wheels that also like kind of get bent and go into them. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

Lots of that stuff. You ever fall down breaks now? You ever like hit a gate? Yeah, I'm got knock on wood. I so far have not fallen down. I've come I've had some very, very close calls that are like pretty harrowing. Like there was one time where I was going in between like turning on to Delancey Street to go over the Williamsburg Bridge.

And there's like cars, bikes, pedestrians, just like so many people. Yeah, people coming up, people going down, I'm trying to turn left. And I see a little bit of space and it's like it's by going in between where like the curb and the sidewalk are. So I like made a quick decision to do that. But I had like I was kind of I was I wasn't pedaling. I was like cruising a little bit and I had my right pedal. It was just like stationary, but it was lower.

And I was standing up on the bike and that pedal clipped the the curb. And I just like almost flipped over the handlebars. Jesus, I almost fell, but I caught myself. So it ended up being OK. And also, don't you clip into your pedals? That seems kind of crazy to me. Yeah, clipping in the first time I did that was very, very scary. You can never take your fucking foot off the pedal.

That seems illegal. Well, you well, you can. It's just kind of it's a little hard. You have to twist your foot out of it. I've got right. Yeah, you can adjust. The pedals can be adjusted so you can either like clip in and feel like, you know, your foot is locked in place or you can clip in and feel like, you know, I can wiggle this out really fast if I needed to.

Yeah. So. But the nice thing about having the pedals clipped in is like you're you're going you're propelling yourself on the down on like that, you know, your down strokes as well as not up. So when. Yeah. So when you're you're like it's just it's so much more efficient. It feels incredible to ride a bike like that. Yeah, well, I'm so far away from that.

I can't even imagine. I need to get to the point where I can I can hardly turn. Like when I get to a street and I need to turn around, I'm like sort of trying to turn almost falling down, standing up on the bike, lifting my bike, turning it around, driving the other way. I mean, I really I think all all you can do is just practice a lot. That's so that's it's all I was hoping that you would recommend a pill or some cheat sheet where you could get one of those like sea sickness

bracelets that kind of helps you. So that's good. Yeah, I never I basically like my father gave it a very half ass attempt to teach me like I never had a small bike. He would try to teach me like on an adult bike. So I'd be like terrified it wouldn't work and I would be like crying and he'd be like, all right, fine, you have to try more because you're crying a lot. But there was never like here's your small bike with training wheels first.

Oh, that's a good idea. I don't know how Israelis do it. I've I've tried to teach you to ride a bike two separate times once in Nantucket, like 10 years ago, and then once five or six years ago, when we moved to L.A. Yeah. And it kind of worked. Like it's always the same thing where like once I get going, I can get going. Yeah, it's the hard times. It's started. Yeah, that's great.

I'm actually going to be in L.A. in the end of January. So I feel like I should we should go biking. Yeah, hopefully I'll be better by then. It's now January 5th at the time of recording. You have three weeks. I have to fucking practice every day. And it's yeah, really freaking shameful a little bit to see a 38 year old who's like, oh, hold, I feel like people look at me like I'm making fun of a child.

I'm like, no, I'm not not ridiculing anybody. They actually don't know how to start and stop because everyone knows how to do it. I feel like there's some really nice, easy tips and tricks that I'll be able to tell you as soon as I see what you're doing. You know, yeah. Yeah, but what what could it possibly be? Like when I start riding, I peddle down and sometimes that thrust is too much and I'll fall to the right.

Yeah, I mean, I think when you're doing that, I guess I would just like try to keep your your core tight. Really? That's what's keeping your balance. I sort of I sort of do a jelly bean to the right and I like contort my soft tummy off the bike a little bit. Right. I guess I could keep my core tight. I also do one handed. A lot. It's like instead of two handed, I'll like sort of yank the wheel

as I start to ride because I I feel like I want to hold on to a ledge. That makes sense. One of my goals is to learn how to ride with no hands. Oh, my God, I saw some guy fucking whiz by me like that. It was. Yeah. This guy was like texting while like biking perfectly straight. I'm like, holy shit. Yeah, one hand is really hard.

So hard. I want to like I've seen people just like riding down the street in New York, like both hands off, leaning back, eating a bagel. I'm like, that's right into a wall. Bagel coffee. God damn the dream. I have a full fucking dinner in front of them. They're slicing a steak.

The fucking bit. That's a good example of like when people are like, how do you not know how to ride a bike or how does it feel when you're riding a bike? Ride without hands. That's how I feel riding with my hands. So like that's how little balance and control I feel at all times. Right. So really, it's courageous that you're trying. I'm proud of you.

Well, yeah. Everybody else is a coward for not trying to ride without their fucking hands. That's right. Do you ever do one hand me? Yeah, one hand is easy. I can do that. That's that's no harder than two. Yeah, I would love if I could get myself to feel like I like I do with one hand

with no hands, that'd be that's that would be incredible. Do you know anyone who could ride no hands? Yeah. Our buddy, Miles, who who actually did the stinger for the headgum originals. Oh, wow. Yeah. But he can ride with no hands. Like can he turn? Can you turn without hands?

Yeah, he like will ride will ride home from the gym together. And I'm like riding with my hands on my handlebars. And he's like no hands turning and talking to me like using his hands. It's almost like a self-driving bike. Yeah, like he's not even he's like passively looking around. I'm I'm like fine at bike riding, but I also have like a self. I'm scared, you know, I'm I'm afraid of everything I do. I do while being afraid.

So like when you get to a place, you're like relieved. And you like you have to like on tents upon arrival. Yeah, like when I definitely when I'm when I clip in and I will ride to Central Park, because I'll I'll ride into Central Park and I'll do like loops around the park. And when I'm in the park, that's great. I'm so relaxed. But like going there's like several parts of this ride that I like dread like getting off the Williamsburg Bridge and to the bike path in Manhattan

is stressful and there's always cars trying to hit you. And it's like but sharp inclines and declines. So you have less control. Yeah, and start stop and you have no I you also have every people are fucking insane. And there's like the the e-bikes and people like mopeds over the bridge and like people stop and take a selfie and those like turn really quick and just like step into the bike lanes. You always have to be ready to fucking stop or you're going to kill somebody.

Yeah, that's not me. That can't be me. I'm not like it. There's parts of it that are fun. Yeah, it's cool to it's cool to do it and to feel the rush. But I feel like it's way too dangerous. Yeah, I actually felt like it was more dangerous riding a bike because I used to bike to work in LA. And I was I would definitely get into more harrowing

situations there than in New York because people are not used to it. Yeah, there's no room for a bike in LA and nobody's expecting them either. I feel like New York is like everything is insane, but you're kind of like at any moment anything can happen. Like there's cars coming on like in and out of their parking spots. Everyone's double parked. There's deliveries or whatever. So you're just like one of a million things.

But in LA you're on a bike. It's like you're not supposed to be there. Yeah, people are they're not looking for you. And I hit like bikes all the time when I'm driving around. Like I remember that. Yeah, I was in your car one time. The guy that like flip up and like I didn't even see that dude. We should stop and it's like and you're like, what do you think he's OK?

Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I mean, that's why they were home. That's right. Like you do it all the time. Yeah, it was funny. It was fun, actually. Yeah. All right, we really have to answer questions.

This is fucking like enough is enough. Yeah, one last break. And then I swear enough bike talk enough enough mouth talk. We have to give the people what they want, which is our wisdom shed about a specific issue. Let's do it. We'll be back after these massages. Perfect.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network, Jake. Wow, that's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames

might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma.

She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like,

this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame.

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

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So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames A-U-R-A-Frames.com. OK, go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Here's a question. I guess we have answered this lady before. She's an algebra teacher. Hmm. I think there was like some math related question or something like that before. Love it. But this one is a COVID related question.

The first time I met one of my co-workers. What's what was your algebra teacher's name? Do you remember? Um, God, no, like Mr. Fantarella, maybe there's something like that. Probably not though. Santana Santarella, something like that. Mrs. Santarella writes, the first time I met one of my

co-workers was at a teacher, Mr. Cain. Sorry. This is Cain writes, the first time I met one of my co-workers was at a new teacher orientation in August of 2021. He admitted he admitted that he had gotten COVID twice, but insisted that he doesn't need the vaccine because he now has

antibodies. Needless to say, perhaps it's good that he's a special education teacher rather than a science teacher. Nice. A few days into our winter break, he texted me that he got COVID again. When I asked if he would get the vaccine this time after he recovers, he rejected the notion winter break ends tomorrow.

And I feel like it's my social duty to say something to him, especially since we work around impressionable teens. Do you have any advice about how to handle a 30 year old Texan anti-vaxxer? Love, Mrs. Cain. God, it's so that's fucking insane. It's it really, there's just so many different people in the

country. It's also very like this. I maybe I'm mistaken, but I think that you have to be vaccinated if you're a teacher in New York, like you can't go back to work without it. Yeah, it seems that's not the rule. It definitely seems like that should be the rule. And so you assume it's the rule, but maybe that's not the rule.

Yeah, I think it's the rule here. And I assume that it's everywhere, but that's clearly not the case because it's progressive. Yeah, definitely not the rule in Texas and probably not the rule in Florida. And this guy is in Texas and he's teaching children. I mean, is it even possible to convince someone that's gotten COVID three times?

I feel like his resolve is stronger now than ever. Yeah, like I think if he's not convinced after getting the disease thrice, there's nothing you can say. He's already been sick. His own decisions have made him get sick three times. Yeah. I mean, like the very least you could tell him that it's not necessary, like getting the vaccine will help you have, you

know, less symptoms when you do catch it, which he's clearly prone to do. Yeah, he's definitely getting it a fourth time. I wonder what the record is. It's been around for two years. Has somebody gotten it like eight different times? Jesus Christ. Like once every four months you got COVID for 24 months.

Yeah, I bet. I mean, probably. It's in play. Yeah. Here's the question. Hypothetical. How many, what percentage of Americans do you think have gotten COVID? It's not like there's no data for the true answer out there.

It's just you sort of have to guesstimate. Do you think it's over or under 50 percent? I guess I was, I was gonna guess 50, but if I do think there's probably way more people that got it and didn't get tested and didn't have severe symptoms when I had it, I never knew that I had it. Right. You just had an antibodies one day and you're like, okay, I had it. Yeah.

And that's because you tested antibodies. If you didn't even do that, you would have no idea. You never know. So I guess I'll say 70 percent. Wow, I love it. 70. Sure. Why not?

Fuck it. I'll say 80. Like it doesn't matter. Like it's all just one percent. Cause I think you just went over. I think you went way up and I just won. You already guessed 70. You already get, and you're not allowed two guesses.

Sorry. Did you, what are the rules here? You're making them up as you go. I'm just asking you as you go. There are, there are rules and I can have two guesses and I guess one percent. And you went over and then you also get 70 though. Yeah. Well, I changed my guess when I heard yours.

I went out on the limb, I guess first. So I'll took balls. That took Quavos. You try to go above me and then I am allowed one more guess to sort of correct. Course correct. As for, I think you went over. I went to one percent. So I'll go to 45.

I'll go to 45 percent. There's no way you're closer than I am. I nailed it with 70 percent. You removed that guess. You absolutely removed the guess. The guess is null. The guess is void. There is no guess.

Congrats. And there's no telling this guy what to do. Unfortunately, I feel like you can tell on him and hope the school makes people get vaccinated, but it seems like that's not the case in Texas either. Yeah, I don't know if there's anything that can be done. Have you considered a state change to one that lines up more with your. Oh, no, no, no, we need, we need, we need you in Texas. We should because we need to flip it.

Yeah, yeah, we should move to Texas. We can hang out with Austin, our theme song singer. That's right. Exactly. Here's another question from another lady. She's asking about something I haven't heard about in five years. That's right, the friend zone. Nice.

Remember the friend zone. I do remember the friend zone. I'm a 26 year old female and I don't know what to do about a guy. I like he's my neighbor and we've hung out as friends for a few months at first. I wasn't into him romantically, but after getting to know him, I realized that we have a lot in common and I want to see if I there could be something more. The problem is we have both talked about dates we've been going on to each other.

Does this mean he wouldn't want to date me? I want to tell him how I feel, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. Do you think I should go for it? And how do I say it in a way that could keep it chill if he doesn't like me? Thank you. I'll go Mrs. Spal, my algebra teacher. Perfect. Hmm.

I don't feel like this is. We don't we've talked about the friend zone not being a real place that you can actually be in. I'm actually thinking of moving to either Texas or the friend zone. So yes. There are no cases in the friend zone. It's kind of like the metaverse. If you think about it.

Right. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, it only exists in virtual reality. The friend zone. Yeah, you would be able to ride a bike there without handlebars and hands. That's right. I'm in a fucking unicycle. I do think I feel like this is this is easily possible. Like to me, it's it's a flirty thing to talk about dates, especially if I guess

it depends what kind of dates you're talking about. If the dates are not going great and you're not interested in your like. Talking shit about people, then that's a very sexy place to be. You're basically both admitting that you're playing the field and seeing what's out there and that and that you're available, especially if you're talking about multiple dates. It'd be one thing if he's like talking to you about a girl that he's seeing that he likes or you're doing the same thing to him.

But yeah, yeah, talking about dating as a flirty, it's a flirty place. Yeah, you're already you're already doing what you need to do. Yeah, it's tough because sometimes the friend zone is the flirtiest place of all. You're like talking about other people sort of keeping each other a prize of what's going on romantically. There's nothing more romantic than the friend zone. When I was 27, I basically only hooked up with my friends. I think you're I think everybody was in the zone auto zone.

Yeah, the the weird part is when you actually went on dates with strangers when you're in your 20s. Right. People say from the friend zone and also friends with benefits. It's also I want to be in the friends with benefits zone. I'm in the friend zone. But are there benefits here? What are we doing in the fucking friend zone?

There's not even a benefit or is it a completely different zone? There's the friend zone and then the friends with benefit zone. Yeah. And then there's the auto zone, which brings us to our last sponsored auto zone, getting the zone. Actually, I do have to get my oil changed. Do you really? Yeah, it's been several thousand miles and I sort of always leave it hanging.

That's where some I'd have to go to. I might have to go to the auto zone or the friend with benefits. You don't you don't go back to the place that leads to your car. I do. But it says like for thousands of miles, you're due on the thing service, do service, do. And to me, I'm sort of a skeptical little miser. And I'm like, is it really due or are you just programming it into the car?

So I have to come back and get a muffler or whatever the fuck that is. Yeah. Do I have to change my air filter? Do I or do I not have to? What happens if I never change my oil? What happens then? Probably nothing. And then someday you might your car might break down on the side of the highway. Really? Is that fine?

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, because you will have lasted so long without ever getting a service. Yeah, I've saved money and time to the point where it's kind of like you and your wisdom teeth. You just sort of push push the surgery. You're like, you could have got it all done at the same time. But you're like, I'll just get it done in a decade.

Unfortunately, sometimes the decade you survive and live to the point where you have to deal with it. Yep. And now it's come up. The the chickens have come home to roost. Is that a thing? Yeah. Do you think anyone's gotten an oil change in a wisdom tooth surgery on the same fucking day?

So you drop your car off and then you walk to the dentist and then you walk to pick up your car. Not that. You. No. You doing it. I can't do that. Yeah, no. No, you shouldn't. And you shouldn't do that. You're not supposed to like drive after this. You're like sedated.

Really? Yeah. You're supposed to get like a ride home. Shit. Ah, I didn't know that man. I'm sorry. I don't know why I suggested it. It's not a big deal. Super responsible of me. Yeah.

Give me the dirty. I think I deserve it. Really? And that's the first time I've ever asked for it. Yeah, man. It's it's. Got a noble. Might be the most shit ever done on the pod.

Yeah, but in a way, I'm going to close my eyes and you give me the fucking statue that I don't want to give it to you when you want it. Like, you find you you get the dirty, but you actually earned it much earlier. You earned it when you wouldn't say that the the tournament podcast. OK, that's when you were in the tour. You've had it the whole show. So congrats.

I was going to say, maybe there's a world where like the one thing keeping me from the golden mic was the fact that I never asked for the tour. Yeah. Yeah, it was. But that's not the case. That's an interesting theory, but you're that there's no that's I think that's your problem, Blumenfeld. There's not any like there's no secret sauce to the 30.

It's it's the award for shittiness and podcasting and you've earned that. And the golden mic is the award for excellence in podcasting. And that's it. There's no secret path to it. There's, you know, there's there's no trick. It's you just have to earn it. That's that's it. It's pretty straightforward.

And I've actually earned it over 500 times. And I think that's pretty neat. You think it's neat. You know, pretty neat. Yeah, congrats. It's pretty cool. Oh, yeah, it's pretty cool. Is there something in your mouth?

Are you getting your wisdom teeth out right now? Why aren't you talking normal? A long time. What's that? Because I'm chuffed. I'm talking a little little different because I'm a little chuffed about it and I'm humbled. There's no way you're humble.

You're you're so not humble. You give yourself a fucking fake award every week for seven years. How is that? It's not quite how it works. It's not quite. I give myself an award. I'm award is a bestowed upon me when I've earned it. All right, thanks for writing in your emails, your theme song.

Send them all to if I were you show at gmail.com. Thank you for listening, potentially watching. And we'll be back next week for more of us. You can always check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash J.A. We got Jake and Amir episodes. We got outtakes to those episodes. We got Jake and Amir rewatch episodes. We got it all.

We're starting. We're dropping Jake and Amir's early on there sometimes, too. So we don't give a shit anymore. We're sort of just like insane this year. It's 2022 is about being insane. Yeah, it's going down over there. And thank you again to Austin and Guillermo for this. Mr. Bloom Sky theme song.

Let's hear it on the way out. Yeah. You not fall asleep right now. We need to talk about that disgusting habit that you picked up. It's called bud chugging. And last time I checked, it wasn't disgusting. Really? Have you checked recently? Nice.

Amir is shining in the sky. Sky. No golden night inside. I'm in trouble. NBA was in a bubble. You're the only Advice podcast on the web. Jake's feet down the avenue. Learning and start so soon.

730 and Amir has got his turdy. Tony is going to choose to gather, make if I were you. If I were you, what should I do? My ex is thirsting me on Insta. Insta. If I were you, what should I do? Can my best friend give me a blowjob? B.J.

I thought you were pretty good. It's not his fault. You're the one. Don't look at your little body. If I were you, what should I do? My ex is thirsting me on Insta. Insta. If I were you, what should I do?

Can my best friend give me a blowjob? That was a Hidgum Original.