If I Were You - 524: I Like Wordle

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

In this episode we discuss themed parties, fading away, and the greatest Wordle guesses of all time. If I Were You is now on YouTube as a video podcast! Of course the podcast will continue to be available as audio wherever you listen, but subscribe to the If I Were You channel to watch them every week!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. This is a headgum original. Jake, you stand in the shadow of a giant and proclaim that you're the one casting it. Your best material won't stack up against Amir's even on his worst day. He's the voice of a generation and you're the voice of a small petty man. Do the right thing. Give Amir the golden mic. Damn, that was... Powerful shit.

There's a reason that was the small acoustic ballad and not a song of a full band with a lot of backing. That's because there's only one guy in the world that feels like that and you chose the song. You chose the song that would give him that bully pulpit. You tried to amplify a very small voice. So I commend you, but I don't think there's that groundswell of appreciation that you're trying to convey.

And I note that because that was a very, very minimal, paired back acoustic track. That was written by Kevin, actually. Nice. Who writes, I know jokingly, okay, Amir, I wrote your terrible song and you've been ignoring my invoices. Not that I paid this guy. I recorded the lines you sent me verbatim.

Give me the money you promised, you deadbeat butthole. Do you think it felt good to record this pathetic song? Quote, voice of a generation, are you kidding? You absolute hack. I don't care if you pay me cash, bitcoin, or fucking basketball NFTs. Give me my money, love Kevin. Wow. All right, now it's all crystal clear.

This is an ambush. No, he's setting me up. I didn't actually ask him to do that. He's like sort of reverse blackmailing me slash painting me into the corner. You're trying to dodge payment, man. I'm not. I never have nor will I pay for a fucking theme song. That's not how we do it.

Forward me the invoice. I'll pay because I think all debts should be paid. That's just the kind of guy I am. A lannister always pays his debts. That's right. That's right. I watched season one of Game of Thrones 2. You know, it's good memory.

We got a lot of emails, tweets and stuff about Whirtle. Have you been keeping up with Whirtle? We played it last week. I introduced it to you on the show. Since then, have you missed the day? No, I play every single day. I also, I found out that some people in my family played. So now we have a little family thread.

Now everyone's playing. Text my score to you. Text my score to Jill. We have the Whirtle Slack. So I'm all in. Wait. How do I, I'm going to pull up my stats, my Whirtle stats. Okay.

Have you, I want to ask you when, like, because we've gotten a lot of messages that, like, people are discovering the game. I mean, they had already known about it, but they started playing through us. So that's nice to hear. And some people have been breaking my record. My goal, I mean, my goal used to be to get three. I've been able to get three. My new goal is to get two.

And then some people like, yeah, I tried it out and I got two. That's sort of like, my brothers, they don't appreciate it. You know what I mean? Like they don't get how hard that is. So I sent this, I think it was two days ago or no, yesterday. Yeah. I sent it to the, the Hurwitz kids thread. Okay.

Okay. No parents. So you talk about like crazy shit. Yeah. We talk about the parents. It's just, it's just the kids. Your dad can't see your Whirtle score. The family thread has like people's significant others on there.

You know, like Jill's on there. My sister's husband is on there. My sister's fiance is on there. So we, you know, it's just, it's just a wild thread and it's mostly for sharing like photos of the new baby. And the Hurwitz kids Google share drive. It's a little more intimate. It's a little more intimate.

So, so I sent, yeah, it was yesterday. I told everybody to try it. I sent them my score, which was three. Three is by the way, solid. Yeah. Pretty solid. What was the word yesterday? I already forget.

Point. Oh, point. Yeah. Point. Point. I think so. Okay. Okay.

So let's see. Sarah. Oh, Micah gets it in three as well. Hannah had, had been playing. She sent four, four out of six. Sarah first day, uh, five. So I think that's when I got that's going to happen. I think that's what I got when I started to sort of an introductory.

You don't know what you're doing. You're repeating letters. Yeah. Liza, Liza first day, three. Rachel. Wow. First day three. Look, look at this distribution.

Wait. That all black and then all green. Yes. She guessed it on the second. Well, if the word was point, she guessed like jams or James or something. Yeah. Didn't get any. No words.

And then the second guess was point and nailed it. Yeah. Exactly. She guessed. I wonder what her first guess was. I'm going to ask her. The first. That's insane.

Over five and then five for five. Yeah. Is that not wild? And that was also her first time. So I don't think she realized how insane it is. Yeah. She'll be like, yeah, well, you know, I eliminated five letters. So like there wasn't that many options left.

There was. There was. You'll never do that again. I wrote to her. That's insane. Is that your first time playing Rachel? She responds. Yes, it was.

It was exciting. Lol. No, not. Lol. Actually. Not excited. Get a hole in one. I actually said it was insane, which is what it was.

Yeah. Exciting is when I find a dollar on the floor. That's exciting. Yeah. Insane is when I guess it in two after going over five on the first. If I went over five on the first guess, that sort of ruins my day. I'm like, great. Now I'm going to get it in four instead of three or five instead of four.

Yeah. You really. I did not want to turn around. Yeah. That's crazy. Crazy. Today. Today was my day that I could have gotten to today's word was robot.

Yeah. That's your word. That's your favorite thing. I love robots. And. And then what was your first guess? My first guest. What?

Let's see. Hold on. Actually, Billy. Billy Scafiri got to today. He sent me his to because we've also been striving to get to and he fucking. You got to. God. What?

Yeah. See, my first guess was based. B A S T based. So that's a zero. Well, no, it's, it's two. It's a B and T. Oh, wait. Oh, I thought you said B A S E D.

Okay. Wow. You're getting two yellows. Yeah. I'm not on the consonants. Like it doesn't mean much to get like, Oh yeah, your, your E and your A is on. It's like, okay, well that could be anything. Yeah.

But so I knew that A and E were eliminated and I had B and T. I should have gotten to. Yeah. If you just slide an O in there anywhere. Yeah. Like B O T. That's that route. That right.

That gives it away. Totally. That's the reason I couldn't, I couldn't fucking like let go that I, that I thought there was going to be a U in there. So my second guess was tubby. So bad. So bad. T U B B Y.

And I'm like, that's an insulting word. It's like a mean word. I like, mortal is not going to put tubby in there. It's, yeah, it's no, it's not the kind of word that is in word. You have to be smarter. Like, you know, you know the types of work. Like, yeah. It's standard fare.

Right. Proxy was in there. Like that's. Yeah. That's a little of much. But yeah, that's as crazy as it gets. Right. An X and a Y.

Point. Yeah. Robots a little tricky because it uses the same vowel twice. Right. So you're like, what is the second vowel? Oh wait, it could already be the vowel that I guess. Yeah. So when I knew there was no A, E or U, I guess I could have thought there was an I.

But as soon as I, yeah. That was my two. That was my fucking two. That was a disappointing two. Yeah. I mean, twos can come in all shapes and sizes. You either can get lucky with a couple greens and a yellow on the first guess or you could pull the Rachel and just go from absolutely nothing to everything.

Yeah. The question really is, do you want a consonant heavy word first guess or a vowel heavy? I think. Yeah. So you tend to try to get vowels out of the way, but I wonder if it's a little bit smarter to go consonant. Yeah. I mean, consonants is kind of like high risk, high reward.

Like if you nail like a G and R and a T, you're like, holy shit, I'm set up. Yeah. This is good to go. Right. And somebody suggested, I've been getting like first word suggestions on Twitter. And somebody suggested audio, which is four vowels. So I tried that yesterday. I'm like, let me just get what the vowels are right away.

And it was like gray, gray, gray, gray, yellow. Great. I tried the biggest voweliest word and just gave me one of the vowels in the wrong place. So I'm like, okay, that didn't do much for me. Now I feel like fucking burnt by that. Yeah. I'll never use audio again. I'm going to try chasm or rhythm.

Wait. Rhythm is six words. Rhythm is too long. Yeah. Chasm then. But do you let the last word affect your current guess? I do. So you're like, oh, they wouldn't do like a robot-ish word today.

That's correct. So like tomorrow you're going to guess like an A and an E word. Yeah. And I think, yeah, it was two days ago was point. I almost guessed. Oh, I think I almost guessed paste. And I was like, you know what? It's not going to be pasted because it was a P yesterday.

Not thinking about proxy and point. Wasn't the proxy and point the last three days? Proxy, paint, and then robot. Yeah. Or point and robot. Wow. Actually, Avital did something that I saw some people do again on Twitter, which is using the last word of the day as her first guess.

And actually point gave her two greens because robot also had an O in the second slot and a T at the end. Yeah. That is pretty smart. It's just like almost using the game to help you out. Yeah. But I couldn't do that with tomorrow's robot. It's too random with the two O's.

I don't want to guess. Yeah. It's insane to guess two letters the same. Yeah. You have to have a variety. And then some people guess the same word every single time. But I'm like, you're sort of robbing yourself of like the variety of two guesses. Like I always do rates and then I always do album or something like that.

Yeah. And then it's like, okay. Yeah. Then it's like, you're sort of, it's like the wheel of fortune. It's like we're giving you the same five letters every time. The RST, LNE aspect of it is something I tried. I try to get a couple of those every single time. The common ones.

Yeah. I tried bonus the other day. Nice. Wasn't very helpful as a word, obviously. For proxy. Audio didn't really do much for me. Comet. You know what else?

Comet. I don't think I have done Comet. Maybe I have actually though. I think I might have. They should give you the detailed stats like that. Like every word you've ever guessed. That'd be cool. Or like the most common words too.

What other people are guessing. Yeah. I do think, I had two wordal thoughts. One. Only two. Well, a few days ago I was like, I went to one of those websites that like lets you do the old wordals. Oh wow.

And I was like, this isn't, it's not as satisfying. It's not nearly as satisfying. Because there's something about playing with everyone. It feels like legit. And the one per day. Yeah. And then the other thing I was like, how someday will this get ruined? You know, like what are, there's, what could happen?

Like. Yeah. Like what happened to HQ? Yeah. Maybe you get two a couple of times and then it's like, oh, I have nothing. This doesn't thrill me anymore to get to. There's going to be some kind of like public leaderboard and you're going to be able to like get point.

Like what I don't want to see happen. I love that the score is just two out of six, three out of six, four out of, like that's it. But if you really need to like. And the distribution. Yeah. The pattern breakdown. Yeah.

If you need to rank people then, you know, you, you'd have to gamify how, how many points you get. Because what Rachel, my sister did, does that get you a ton of points? Cause you went from zero to a hundred or do you like, yeah, do you get points for the, you know, the yellows, the. Right. I don't know. Or what if you try to draw shit with the yellows?

Like I want to do a big A with my yellows so that it's like a standing on a row of greens, sort of word of art. So that's good. I would. And I can do that if I know the word. Yeah. I can do that as an NFT. Let's.

That's cool. Let's start. Let's start minting our wordal scores. So you play wordal and it spits out the pattern and that's your NFT. And you can sort of buy and sell those. That's right. That's right. And then another, um, a wordal thought just to wrap everything up is, um, God, what was

that going to say? Oh yeah. Um, when do you play? Do you play the same time every day? Like is it part of your morning routine? Your evening routine? Are you just like, Oh, I remember it in the afternoon. Morning routine.

I think it's better for me. I've, I've been trying to go to bed before midnight. So before the wordal even comes out. Um, but even so, if I'm up at midnight, I don't want to start like playing a brain teaser. That'll wake, that'll like get me firing. That'll wake me up too much. That's not a way to unwind for me to get stressed out and like be needing that too. Needing to see green.

Oh, I just want to see green. And I've been doing the opposite. It's like 11 38. I'm like, I mean, I might as well stay up at this point and play wordal. Like I'm not going to not let me play wordal. What if I like get a fucking two? I'll have some sweet dreams. Right.

No, I like to, I use it to wake up in the morning. It's a very nice way to wake up. Now my point of pride is that I've never gotten a two and I've never gotten a six. So for two weeks straight, I've either gotten a three, four or five. I've avoided disaster, but I've also not gotten the God, I would be so sad to get a six. Did I get a six? You get a six when we first started playing or did I get a five?

I think I might have done it in six. Yeah, but you were just, you didn't quite know how the game was. I feel like the first, the first days have passed. Well, I'm also Rachel, you got a two. Right. I'm, I'm glad that my first day was basically done on, on your phone, right? Or like a shared screen or something. Yeah, it was.

Yeah, it was. Yeah. So that's like part of my public record. Yeah. What have you gotten in one? Would you be happy about that? Or would that be kind of a bummer that you didn't get to play Wordle that day? Whoa.

Like if it happened to me now, I would be thrilled. I would be thrilled. You'd be excited. I would dust off the Twitter. I would go, I would fucking spank. I would fucking promote it online. For sure I would. Would you, would you tweet a two?

No, I wouldn't tweet a two. I would only tweet a one. I would. Two is almost. We'd have an emergency podcast if I got a one. But it's just a completely random lucky thing. There's no skill involved in a one. Yeah.

I don't think there's more skill involved in like a whole in one than like a two under par, you know? That's why I'm, I'm telling you, like my no six forever is almost more impressive than getting a fucking two. That just means, yeah, you guessed joints when it was point. Congratulate. Like I'm not happy for you, dad. Like that's not a good thing.

You have other shit going on. You have other shit going on that you have to unpack on your own time, not on the podcast. It was my birthday recently, actually. Oh yeah. I wanted to ask you about that. Let's do it after the break. Didn't get a text. Didn't get an email.

From the old man. From the old man. Yeah. Cause he, that's cause he came over and cooked you breakfast. He called me cause his Roku wasn't working. I came over. I thought it was like a surprise. Yeah.

But no, he just forgot the, the router extender password. So it wasn't getting from upstairs to the downstairs TV. And then yeah, I ended up bringing a Twinkie and a matchstick to a gas station so that I can toast myself on the way home. Yeah. And I fucking ran into my mom at the gas station with a bunch of her friends. Yeah. They were filling up gas on the way to a Mahjong tournament.

And they, they laughed at me. They ridiculed me. Oh, so they knew it was your birthday. Of course. Your dad maybe didn't know your mom knew and ridiculed you. Yeah. All right. She's like happy, happy big.

What is it? 4-0? Yeah. Oh my God. No. I'm 39. I thought it was a bigger deal and you're still making fun of me. It's a real kick in the ass.

Kick in the teeth. Yeah. Started to hear it. But other than that, it was nice. I got a, a TheraGun, not like a official TheraGun, but like, you know, one of those hand massagers. Very nice. From AviTal. And then a recessed light bulb that had gone out.

Cohen gave me a replacement one so that I didn't have to go to Home Depot. Those were like two huge gifts. That's really nice. That's really nice. Yeah. Other than that, it was a one fine day. You'll look at me. My back does hurt.

Yeah. My back hurts. I think you are 40. I'm getting that. I mean, I'm not. I was, I was always 83. You can look at the record. You can't change my birthday.

I'm pulling up your birth certificate, your passport from when you scanned it for our London trip. You were born in 1980. I'm 42. So you were wrong when you said I was 40. That's all I'm saying. I'm way older than 40. That's right. All right.

This is, if I were you, it's an advice show. Those slowly sort of trending into a wordle podcast, which I'm not too mad about. Yeah, definitely. Oh, another wordle thing is that I stole your I love turtle gift joke. Oh, yeah. And I posted it on Twitter. I don't know if you saw how well that did. No, I didn't.

It was a, it was a pretty big tweet. How many, how many? You texted me. I love turtles kid, but then with wordle. Yeah. Then I sent it to the slack and Grayson, who's been doing VFX editing audio video for headgum, altered the gift and made it. I loved wordle.

Then I posted that onto Twitter and I think it has over a thousand likes. I don't know if I'm wrong. Is that, that's, and that's good. Let's see. Oh yeah. That's pretty solid. Yeah. Yeah.

I like wordle. Like wordle. Ah, good stuff. The Jake Allioup to Grayson and then I just sort of plucked it. Yeah. Used it. That was my other birthday gift for me. Wow.

It's really, it goes to show you how viral I'd go on Twitter for my swimmers ear joke. Oh my God. Can you even imagine? Forget about it. Sitting on fucking floor. That's even more topical. Yeah. Okay.

This is a Fire Ryu, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Josh. Let's take a break, answer some questions on the other side of these messages. Nice. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the

doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade.

Excuse me. I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great. Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test.

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And we're back Jake. Do you have any? Oh, it's a left-footed device. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Bath pillow. What's that? Bath pillow.

Bath pillow. So it drapes over your tub and sort of cradles your neck so that when you're in the bath, you can have a pillow. Correct. Correctamundo. We've been talking baths on here before. We talk about baths. I have a bath.

I got a, when I was redoing this house, I made sure to get a 21-inch soaking tub. Okay. Wow. And that's just a bathtub? When you say soaking tub, it's the same thing, right? Yeah. I think they're just like, it's just about depth. Like your standard bathtub is pretty low.

It's like 14, 16 inches. So if you want to soak, you want to have that higher wall. Like your hands are like up here when you're sitting down in the tub. Yeah. Not like this. Yeah, exactly. You can get pretty deep. Yeah.

Because when it's that deep, it's got a severe, you know, I lay my head back and I'm just kind of like, it's on tile, it's on the corner of the bath. It's not particularly comfortable. So I ordered. It's not perfect. No. But I ordered myself a little bath pillow and it's a real game changer. I could stay there forever.

I have a bath pillow as well as part of my birthday gift last year with that plank of wood, the shower, the bath caddy where you can put your iPad across the tub itself. Oh, I should get, I should get one of those. Then it would just be fucking, because it would be dangerous. I'd never leave. Yeah. If you watch an entire sporting event in there, you really feel like a king slash lazy man. Yeah.

That's nice. I watched an episode of The Witcher and the Bath, but I just, I put the laptop on the toilet and I kind of just turned my head to the side, which is nice, but it's not like, it's not perfect. Like having it right in front of your asses, man. Wow. Let me, I'll send you a link to the, the bath caddy that was purchased for me for my birthday. Yeah.

I'm going to, I'll probably cop that. It'll be my unsolicited advice next week. It doesn't sultan there, right? I'll occasionally epsom, but not always. Cool. Yeah. It's helpful. And are you.

Imagine using a fucking waterproof Thera gun in there. Yeah. That's cool. How hot is it when you bathe? It's pretty hot. It's not like a lukewarm. It's a, it's kind of like one below the maximum heat that I'll allow. So you'll, you're almost breaking a sweat.

Yes. No. Yeah. I'm sweating in there. Cause especially cause the steam rising. Cool. And are you like, I'm, you're taking your foot out every once in a while to try to cool your body temperature occasionally, but sometimes the water itself cools and I'll have to replenish

the heat. I see. But you don't want to stay in there for too long because then you leave and you're pretty fucking dehydrated. Yeah. You've been like sweating for an hour and a half straight. Right. Yeah.

I think I usually do 30 minutes. Half a witcher. Oh wow. That's pretty good. Oh, that's good. Okay. Let's try to answer some questions here. One quick wordle thing.

Rachel. I was going to say, we haven't talked about wordle for a minute. Rachel texted me back and told me what the, what the first word was. Okay. Weary. Wow. She didn't even eliminate a, she eliminated three pretty obscure let like W, R and Y were eliminated.

No way. Weary doesn't have an R. Yes. And then. So how did she get robot? No, the word was point. All right. That was yesterday.

Yeah. Eliminated W and R and then guessed point. Yeah. That's wild. She, I don't want to accuse her of cheating because I know she's like a super decent good person, but I don't see a world where she didn't fucking look over her shoulder at will. Her husband playing the game. Right.

Oh, I guess I saw like an own and I, but like, I didn't really know. She knew. She knew. She knew. I'm going to add you to the Hurwitz. She worked with him in Cougs. Let me add you to the Hurwitz kids threads. It's like, Hey, Amir, Amir is really happy for you.

He just had a couple of follow up questions. Not a question. It's an accusation. It's a, it's a statement, actually, that cheaters shouldn't feel joy for getting that word correct. Yeah. I'm actually getting added to that thread and then instantly like instituting a group FaceTime initiating a group FaceTime.

A quick side of huddle slash group FaceTime. Just so I'm clear, Will, you didn't play the game. You didn't play the game next to next to Rachel. Okay. Here's a question from, I guess, let's just call this person will because he's a young man that does a fair amount of dating. Nice. He shouldn't be doing that.

He's brother-in-law. Hello. I'm Will. As a young man, I do a fair amount of dating. What I really need to know is what's the best way to let someone down easily for context? I mean, someone who you've been on say two to three dates with and don't feel it. It's past the point where you need to let them know you're not interested, but I hate upsetting people.

I myself have been let down after two or so dates, so I know how much it sucks. What should I do? Yours so sincerely, Will. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's hard because there's no standard rule. It depends on the dates.

It depends on how you know the person. Is it a friend of a friend? Is it a random tinder? Does this person reach out to you or is she waiting on you to reach out to her? If she's just waiting, then you don't have to be like, by the way, let me preemptively say that I don't think we should date anymore. Wait, what's that? If she's not texting you and it's just waiting to hear from you and you don't want to go

out with her, I don't think you have to reach out just to say it's not going to happen. If she's ignoring you, you don't have to. Let's say you go on a second date and then there's no text messages after and you don't want to see her again. I don't think you then have to reach out and be like, hey, by the way, just so you know, I don't want to see you again because she could have been like, I didn't want to see you either. Interesting.

Yeah. I guess so. It feels almost. I don't consider that a ghosting. Right. The ghosting is if she like texts you and you're like, and she's like, hey, that was really fun. Do you want to do that again?

And you don't respond. I think that's a ghosting. Yeah. Ghosting is a no-go. A mutual ghosting. I think you can feel that out if you're like, I will say something if they ask me to go on a date. I'll say that I am not feeling it.

But if in the absence of that, I can kind of feel like there wasn't enough of a connection. But for two will, I would say that most guys on the apps are shitheads and most of them are doing the ghosting thing. Most of them are doing the ignoring thing. So even though you feel mean being like, I didn't feel a connection. I don't think we should go out anymore. That's actually not mean compared to most guys on the app. Like I equate it similar to like when head gum is hiring and we always tell people, even

when we're not going to hire them and multiple people have responded and they're like, thank you for letting me know. No other job ever even does that. Like, wow, I felt bad sending that and that's like baseline. So, so I would just say that if you give someone like a polite let down and just let them know I just want to be upfront, want to be honest. They can't be like, fuck you for telling me. They'll be like, thank you.

Most guys suck. Yeah. It's like going out on an audition. You don't hear anything or you hear yes. So it's like usually you learn the lines, say the things they say thanks and then you don't hear from the person, the company, the show ever again. The last place that we pitched our animated show, we just still, we haven't heard back. It's still a lot.

It has to be in the mix, right? Yeah. They must be talking internally to the point where they're trying to figure out where it fits. When was our pitch? Was it October? Yeah, it was. No, a little earlier.

Yeah, September-ish. late September. September. They had to, I think we left the pages. Late September, back in 2021. Exactly. We left the pages behind, right? I can follow up to see if they ended up.

Why don't we? It was a one page, a one sheet. Let's respond to the last thank you that we got and be like, hey, just nudging this to the top of your inbox. Hope you all had a good fall. I hope your autumn was rocking. I didn't hear back, read the show. And if we do pre-pro, it's going to have to be soon because I have a lot of other emails

percolating in my inbox, which is not at zero. Well, this is the equivalent of you reaching out to dump them too, actually. Hey, just bump this to the top of our inbox. After discussing with Jake through the fall, we think it's not a fit. So we'd like to take our offer away from this network. That's yeah. No, that's fair. That's good.

But the awkward moment is when a lady actually texts you like, that was really fun. We should do it again. And you have to say no, un-simple terms. Yeah, I wasn't really feeling it as much as you were. But so it goes, you know, there's plenty of fish and all that jazz. Have fun. See you. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, dating is hard. It's hard. You send and receive lots of texts like that. It's no bueno. You have to. Yeah. That's part of the game, I suppose.

Yeah. Mutual. It has to be mutually beneficial. Treat others the way you want to be treated, unless you like being ghosted, in which case you can assume that people don't like that because I learned that the hard way. But, okay, here's another question about only fans. We'll call this lady Fran. Only Frans.

Only Fran writes, I could use your advice, I'm more or less perfect body wise other than my boobs, which are well formed, but depressingly small. I can't afford it right now, but I'm strongly considering making an only fans account to raise the necessary funds for a boob job. I personally have no moral qualms about showing off online and I kind of like the attention, but I'm concerned it might be, it might put off potential future boyfriends and or employers. Should I go for it, seize the cheese and pursue my dreams of bodily perfection? If so, I currently have very few fans in real life, so please help me come up with a USP

and username to stand out. Do you know what USP stands for? No. If it's a point that makes you. I'm pretty sure though. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of attractive women sharing nearly nudes for cash and I want to gain clout and make money or it's just going to be embarrassing if you suggest

a username. I'll definitely use it as I'm hoping your followers will check it out. Wow. Alternatively, if you think I should avoid only fans, should I just get both my nipples pierced to jazz up my tiny titties a bit best regards only friends. At the very least, I'd suggest trying the piercings first because that's a lot less of like a body modification. You could take those out.

Yeah. If that does the trick. That always seems very painful to me. Yeah. I mean, to me as well, but I feel like if you're deciding between surgery or a piercing, test the piercing and then if it doesn't do it for you, you could do surgery. But surgery is. If you had to.

If you had to get a septum and or a nipple piercing that was in for a month, which one would you choose? Nipple. Easy. Absolutely easy. I would not like feel the cartilage of your nose. It's way, it's like way too rigid. I don't want anything going.

Yeah. But like nipple is like nipple. That's a nipple. Yeah. It's a little bit of a pinch, but like I think there's enough fat there. I would not want, I wouldn't want it in my nose. I got my cartilage pierced when I was in college and it was very painful. Yeah.

They did, they did it with an gauge though. I think I've talked about this, but they did it with a fucking gauge. Oh, okay. So. Oh, a USP stands for unique selling point, by the way. So how to, how does Fran position herself in the market? How do you break through on the only fans platform? I think, I think there's a Harvard business review case study on this, how to make yourself.

What's your differentiation? Yeah. The username only Fran is pretty perfect. Oh, okay. That's pretty good. It's only Fran. Only, I know, but it is hard because you can't be slightly ashamed because like you do have to promote it.

Like you have to get on. There's a lot of like TikToks that I stumble upon that's like, oh, you like this? There's more at my only fans and it's like, you know, it's, this person is very out in the open and they show their face and that's why, that's why I delete a TikTok by the way. Really? That's why you got out to it. That's why you got out to it.

It figured me out too quick. Now you just download only fans directly. Just main vein it. Um, yeah, it's, I think, I mean, it's great that you don't have any qualms. And I would also think that like this is, it's, it's a perfectly fine way to like weed out potential future, um, partners and employers. Like I just want to work, work and be with people who are cool and like me for me. Um, yeah, but it is, you do, you definitely have to think about it a lot because are you

up to be sure that, um, you'll be fine, um, not being with certain people and not working certain places because people are judgmental and they'll reject you for it. And the internet is permanent. You can't do it and delete it. People will probably cash it, find it, locate it. But if that's, there's like two things. It's like, do I do it? It's going to make people not want, it's going to make people like reject me in the future.

And how do I get more people to sign up and subscribe? You basically have to be okay with the public facing part of it. So more power to you though. I wonder how much a boob job costs now a day. What would you guess to me? I guess I would guess $2,000. Oh, really? I was going to say $10,000.

I feel like you're probably right. Let's see. How much? $5,000 per boob. Boob job. Um. Starts serving you ads. The average cost of breast implants is around $4,500, um, and then it can range from someone

else's $5,000 to $8,000, um, and then typically $5,000 to $10,000. I feel like you're right then. I think it's always more. I recently looked up, just out of curiosity, like what a nose job actually does, like, because like on a skeleton, you see like just like the bone of the ridge. And then I'm like, what, what is the shape of my nose? Also how do they break it and reform it to make it look better? And it doesn't just look like a five year old like putting like Play-Doh together and

hoping for the best. Like you can like choose to like, it's almost like it should be done with lasers and like a 3D printer. The, the idea of like a 58 year old guy just be like, yeah, I got you, let me do this and move it here. Right. I think this is what a nose looks like. Yeah.

Like how do they possibly, how do they have such control? So I watched like a YouTube animation of what goes into that. It seems so precise and difficult to do. I can't imagine like an actual person doing it, like cutting thin slices of cartilage and like moving it in and reshaping it and setting it and all this stuff. Yeah. We thought it was hard to be a dentist. Yeah.

How are your wisdom teeth, by the way? Fine. Today. I, I like, I can basically bite things now. It still sometimes hit the, hit, I think where, where the sensitive part is, but we're, I'm past the point where I think I have dry sockets. I spent like three days being like, do I have dry sockets or is this normal pain? And I think it's just normal pain that I feel fine now.

And then it, did you get to the bottom of the insurance situation? Yes. My insurance does not cover it. They, they don't cover it at all. So that's like a, they should have let me know situation. Yeah. It was like, they, they covered us as a really funny amount. It was like 80% of what, what the procedure would have cost if I had done it in network

or something. So like, I think they, it was like $1,500 for both teeth and it, and they gave me like 56. $56. Yeah. So that's good because you're paying insurance too. So it's like, I'm paying out of pocket more than what I'm now paying, basically what you covered.

Yeah. But I don't, I don't, I hate the dentist insurance, but I, I blame my dentist for this one because I did ask what it was going to cover and they said 80%. And they know with my insurance, I've been going there for years. So they would have known that it's not a network for that procedure or whatever they should have known. They just wanted me to do it there. All right, let's take another break.

Thanks for more sponsors and come back and answer more questions after these messages. Yeah. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just father's day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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And we're back. All right. Yo. One last question to rule them all. Good. This one is a late 20s female who I guess we should call Monica Geller because she was in her late 20s and a female. Yeah, that's right.

I hope you can help me with this irksome friend dilemma, writes Monica. I'm in my late 20s and I don't have a ton of friends, just a few that I consider close and I really value those rare bonds. I have a female friend who I've gotten really close with over the past couple years. She's a great person to hang out with and vent to when I'm going through a rough time and vice versa. But one thing she loves to do is throw themed parties at her apartment and she works really hard to go all out and make sure that every detail matches the theme.

The parties look really cool and everyone she invites seems to have a great time, but I've grown severely to dislike them. I don't like anybody who attends and there's not really much to do and my friend is busy cooking or talking to other people. I was completely miserable at her last Harry Potter party and I left early. The thing is she really takes it personally when people don't go. She has cut friends out of her lives for flaking on her parties and calls them quote, fake friends and refuses to hang out with them outside of her parties.

I really don't want to attend these parties anymore, but I do value her friendship, especially as many of my existing friends got new job and moved away. What would you do? How do I quit attending these parties without losing a really great friend? The parties themselves sound like something that Monica would throw. Yes, exactly. No attention to detail, unspared. And good food and a theme.

How many themes can you even have? Harry Potter, you're down to like a few choice themes, Western, expensive, 80s, classic 80s is good. Beach party. That's good. All of these are really good themes. I might throw some parties, which theme party. It really is there.

They're such like diminishing returns. They're fun if you do one, but you really they lose their luster fast. If you have to fucking get a new outfit every single month, that's right. I mean, I kind of relate to this person. I also dislike parties and I definitely would never throw a theme party. That seems like all the work of a party without any of the joy. But I guess if you get joy from a hosting, then that's that type of person. Even like holidays like Halloween, I never got two and two, but like we had some friends

that were like, Halloween is like my favorite time of the year, spending weeks on a costume, debuting the costume. And don't even talk about Christmas. Oh my God, forget about it. You've lost people over Christmas. Friends and family alike. But this is just like in addition to all the holidays, we're also doing Harry Potter in March.

So you got to come dressed or whatever. That's tough. I mean, it's also like it's kind of true that it, you know, she cuts people. If she loves this and she cuts people out of her life who don't like them, maybe the friendship is not meant to be. Or if you really, if you really need the friend, then it's worth it for one party every month or two. I mean, yeah, we don't know how often these parties are.

If they're, if it's every month or two, I don't think that's that bad. Can a party be so bad that you would lose a friend over? It depends how often these parties, what if they're fucking bi-weekly theme parties? Yeah. And the bi-weekly, that means two times a week. It's not once a week. Yeah. Exactly.

So you're gonna have to come to Harry Potter Thursday back to the future event. There's no way she could properly plan for this. Wow. Not even like, right. Yeah. Ideally it's like Harry Potter and like Lord of the Rings. Yeah. So you wear a robe twice.

Yeah. And once at 1 p.m. Right. To dress like Marty McFly for a lunch. If you didn't come, if you fucking didn't come to my Harry Potter party, you're a fake ass friend. Yeah. And you know that.

If you don't like me at my 80s themed party, you don't deserve me at my disco themed parties. Or my visco themed parties. That's right. Hydroflasks. Yes. Tiktok dances. Yeah. Everyone's drinking out of a hydroflask.

That's good. I mean, you have friends that are into themes, into parties, into socializing. Yeah. And I think I always get, I mean, the thing is no one's, no one that I know is like rigid about, is like rigid about the theme. Like I feel like I can always go not, you know, not in period attire. Yeah. Are you more of a phone it in like, oh, we're a jean jacket and there that's my 80s costume.

Where you like more of like, I'm going to fucking buy a wig and face paint style party go. No. Very much. I appreciate the phoning it in. Phoning it in. Like what do I have in my closet that could be? For nine years every Halloween I was a black cat.

That's the level of costume that I like to do. I like a black t-shirt and a hair band with three whiskers of space paint. You know, it's not even a phony then I think I'm a minimalist when it comes to dressing up. I really don't like an over the top costume. Like even on other people are just like, you don't like to be inhibited while you're no, I can appreciate a cost just on me. I don't know.

I can appreciate a costume on someone else. So I think as long as I'd be fine with theme parties as long as I wasn't expected to go all out. But it seems like that's not necessarily the case here. Would you ever slash have you ever done Santa con? God, I would have ever. I feel like if I had known about Santa con when I was like 22, me and my friends would have done it.

Yeah. We were those kids from Connecticut. We would have been on the Metro North pounding beers, wandering the streets of NYC. But no, I this year, Jill and I were like going to restoration hardware and we like got on the subway and we saw three people in a Santa con at Santa con outfits and we're like, Oh, no. Oh, no. It's happening.

We're already on our way into Manhattan and then yeah, imagine just like getting a price for a pullout sofa and going outside and just seeing 19 year olds throwing up in the street into their f****** years. Yeah. So such a different life stages and moments right there. Yeah. I guess this person could do a happy medium. You sort of attend every other party.

You miss some, you come to some, you feel how badly you feel on the misses. You come up with some good excuses, friend visiting, mom's sick, out of town, line up your social calendar accordingly. Yeah. Right. I feel like you can always dodge a couple, attend a couple and you left one early. That's fine. Yeah.

Apparently. Fake friend when you did that. Fake friend. Yeah. Just for leaving early. We used to get like grief from some people, not to name names of like, why'd you leave at 1130? It's like, I attended the party.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, I never got the why did you leave early? Because that's something you did. Yeah. Like you were offended that I left early. I wasn't that integral to the party. I assure you.

I couldn't. Oh yeah. I know the feeling. I've definitely been, I've been chastised for like Irish exiting as well. What is that? The party went on. Everyone had fun. You didn't, you woke up and you remembered that I wasn't there, but you didn't notice

when I wasn't there, when it happened. Oh, I love the Irish goodbye. That's yeah. I feel like I did that even before it was popularized in Ireland. Mm hmm. Like, what am I going to go for the next 25 minutes? That's actually the Amir goodbye. Yeah.

Telling everyone, see you later. Yeah. Yeah. It's such a bizarre thing. They all, they all know that everyone is the Irish goodbye. That should just be goodbye. Yes. The goodbye.

And in Ireland it is. No one says goodbye to anyone. No one says hello. No. I don't even, Irish hello. I just show up to a party and pretend like I had been there for two and a half hours. Mm hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. What is the pizza showing up, I'll ask, after the Pizza Head Arts arrived. Yeah. Right. Instead of Irish goodbye, instead of ghosting, we should say Irish goodbye. Yeah. Well, ghosting is the Scottish goodbye. I see.

I see. Actually, I think I'm going to Irish goodbye. So I won't tell anybody that I'm slowly dying. I would love that. Yeah. I would love that. It's sort of what Norm MacDonald is. He Irish goodbye.

Yeah. He like had cancer and didn't tell anyone. Yeah. Actually, I might tweet that. It's a solid. Norm MacDonald. I don't know. Irish goodbye.

I didn't know about that. Maybe Norm MacDonald would find that funny, but I feel like everyone else would like that. Yeah. I can hide behind that excuse. If anyone gets offended, I could be like, Norm would have loved this. Right. And then he's also not alive. Right.

It's just a name and it sounds like you or a friend. I knew him personally. Yeah. Right. Or I can save it for the next celeb that sort of sat on an illness. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.

So if you see me tweet that down the line, don't be like, you had this in the bag waiting to go. Just act like I was going. Yeah. You put this on draft right now. Yes. Yeah. Blank, blank, blank, blank.

Irish goodbye. Exactly. And then the draft underneath it is your one guess wordle score, which I want to leak the news of before you even get to tweet it. I want to basically tweet that with the GIF I like wordle and then you have to retweet. If I ever got it in one, I would retweet I like wordle. Last. Yeah.

What do you think of wordle? Voice is the first word to guess. Kind of a long shot. We're against the O and I. Right. It's not bad. I just feel like eliminating the O and the I is not that impressive when it comes to the vowels and like what's then, you know, there's an A and a U that that's just like

that's anything. Yeah. That's anything. Eliminating the while having an E is interesting at the end of the word. If that's, you know, how it shook out. It's really tough to say there's no real, I don't think there's an actual good strategy. I bet there is like some algorithm that's like actually if you do these three words, you'll always get it in four or something like that.

Yeah. Maybe on the margins you can do something like that. Maybe Chasm is the goat though. Chasm. Chasm. You're only getting one A in the middle. Yeah, but, you know, vowels aren't really that important. It's more of a consonants game.

That's cool. All right. Thank you for writing in. Thank you for emailing us that email address for everything. If you got a theme song, if you got a question is if I were you show at gmail.com as always. Thank you for watching. We're now simulcasting these on our YouTube channel, the if I were you show YouTube channel. So check that out as well.

That's right. We'll be in the description to this podcast. We'll tweet it out as well. And for more videos of us, you can check out our Patreon.patreon.com.j.a. Correct. There's more of us where that came from. Sweet. That opening theme song, same as the closing is by Kevin, the man who claimed I paid him

to write this magnum opus about me. And he did. Watch, you didn't pay him this the thing. Yeah. You didn't pay him anything. That was a problem. By the way, this golden mic was sent to me by Alex. He's a sexist and I believe his name is.

So thank you to Alex for sending me the mic of gold. Yeah. What about a parody of heart of gold with mic of gold? I went to the podcast with a mic of gold. That's good. Yeah. You should just do that one. Johnny Cash style.

Yeah. And we'll be back next week. Ciao everybody. Oh wait. Peace. Time to play the song. One, two, one, two, three, four. Jake and Amir, can I speak on behalf of every single one of your fans when I say Jake,

you're okay, but Amir, he's our jam. And he's carried your essence day one and we do anything to get Amir a golden mic. Yeah, we give anything to get Amir that golden mic. Jake, you stand in the shadow of a giant and proclaim that you're the one casting it. Your best material won't stack up against Amir's even on his worst day. He's the voice of a generation and you're the voice of a small petty man. Do the right thing. Give Amir the golden mic.

That was a hit gum original.