If I Were You - 525: Mic of Gold

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

In this episode we discuss bathrooms, vinegar, and of course: Wordle. If I Were You is now on YouTube as a video podcast! Of course the podcast will continue to be available as audio wherever you listen, but subscribe to the If I Were You channel to watch them every week!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. I've been to Armsby, not yet to Treadrun. I've been by Coastal for a mic of gold.

I'm speaking my mind, I think it's quite shine. And I keep searching for a mic of gold. And I'm getting old. Keeps me searching for a microphone. And I'm getting cold. Keep me searching for a mic of gold. You keep me searching and I'm cold and old. Keep me searching for a mic of gold.

Now I'm fully with no mics in my home. And I'm getting old. Wow. Really good. You're a rambling man. Yeah, there was another minute of that. I guess we'll play it at the end. But how much can we handle for an opening theme?

It's really, really, what a song. What a song. Do you remember I requested a song like that last week? No way. What did you say? So I said, could we get a, instead of heart of gold, a mic of gold would be a good parody. It's like, I guess a Neil Young song. It's like, I've been to Santa, I've been to whom I've been searching for a heart of gold.

So we got a bunch of theme songs. Wow. But that one sounded the most like Neil Young, which I, he turns out he's the guy who created, sings, wrote, performs that song. Damn. Good for Neil. And now Neil Young is in the news. Did you see this?

No. I think this was, I requested it before, but in the last few days, Neil Young was basically like, if Spotify doesn't take Joe Rogan off their platform, then they can remove my music. And then he, they obviously didn't cause Joe Rogan's a huge money maker. And then they're removing Neil Young's music from Spotify. Whoa. God, everyone should do that. We could do that.

Yeah. But I don't think we're as influential. We just have Michael Gold. Yeah. He has heart of gold. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Totally. Totally. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. We do it, but nobody cares. Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, all the big fucking money makers for Spotify say we will not be on the platform unless you remove Rogan. Unless you remove, if I were you.

What the fuck did we do? Do you think that'd be good for business? What do you mean? For us. Like if everyone was like rallying against our podcast. As it's been. Right. Interesting.

I think it'd be bad for business. Interesting. Why do you think it'd be good? I think it'd be good because like, because like Bieber, Taylor Swift and all these famous people would be talking about our podcast. And then listenership would be through the roof and people like, this is, I mean, this is not great, but it's obviously there's no reason to be this upset. Justin.

So you're saying, yeah. So you're saying like, if people were railing against us, it'd be good because more people would listen and people would be like, it's not that bad. Yes. Right. They'd take our side in the argument. That's an interesting. And they'd like the, they'd like the Mike of Gold thing, I think.

Yeah. And then they'd listen to this segment and they'd be like, holy shit. They called a beef with Bieber. Like, yeah, kind of in a roundabout way, but sure. Yeah. Interesting. And then they'd hear that you said it would actually be good for us. Then they would be mistrustful of you.

Then. Yeah. Then they'd, they'd watch Jake and Amir Bieber fever and they would realize that I've been sort of yelling about Bieber since he was 17 saying that I have Giardia for that tween fuck. Do we just watch, I think maybe we just watched this episode on Patreon, but I was laughing at the line, I wish I could say that it was one thing after another because what happened next was all at once.

I don't know if it's in that video, but that does sound familiar. Shout out to our Patreon and watch those videos. I know it's a line. I just don't know if we watched it recently, but either way, good writing, so don't. Antoine, that's who wrote this. He's from Montreal. Okay. Thank you to Antoine for coming up with that parody for us.

Indeed. I mean, not coming up with that was, I'm sort of the mastermind. No, no, no. Thanks for. You did basically nothing. Thanks for being the instrument that I played. He's my guitar and he has a guitar, if that makes sense. Nice.

You're fucking ass. You're an ass. Do you ever go through a harmonica phase or like I'm going to try to learn because you're into Dave, right? Yeah. He has that going for him. Dave doesn't play the harmonica. Oh, he doesn't?

No. No, no, no. But you're thinking of, I don't know, Blues Traveler and John Mayer. Yeah. Maybe Dave. Yeah. He definitely does. Bob Dylan.

It's not known that he would play it. I'm sure he can rip a chord on the mon. Yes, though. The answer, to answer your question, yes, I did purchase a harmonica. I did learn to play the harmonica. I was not good at the harmonica, but you know, you fuck around with it. It's a fun little annoying instrument for everybody. Yeah.

Did you get like a cheap one or like a fancy one that you had to like soak overnight and shit like that? Cheap one. Just a cheap harmonica. You know, like one of the classic ones that comes in the plastic case. Got it at Sam Ash. Shout out to Max Ash. Now we're quite done with our shout outs.

Okay. But yeah, I got a harmonica. Seeing this receipt you forwarded me. This is a kazoo. That's what you got. You got a little kazoo. Yeah. They're tough to play.

Tough to play. It's a hard instrument. That's why I said Dave Matthews never played one. Actually this guy, Antoine, wrote us in once and he has a follow up pup in addition to the song. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah.

This is the guy from Montreal that was living with his ex while dating last April. As it turns out, he was able to date around and hang out at girls' places each time. It was kind of annoying while it lasted, but he can proudly say that I live alone now and don't have these struggles anymore and bachelor life is going well. So there you go. Perfect. Good for us. Good for him.

It's not good to be in like a bad week, but it's nice to overcome it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Exactly. Like when you got your wisdom teeth out, you were having a pretty miserable time. Yeah. So it's nice. Right.

Now for the last 10 days, basically my teeth have not hurt for about a week now. And I haven't taken eating for granted at all. And it feels good every time I bite into something. Right. And your teeth didn't hurt last month, but you never thought about it. So it really takes a toothache to make you appreciate eating. Wow. Right.

It's an incredible, incredible line. It really takes a toothache to make you appreciate eating. That's not an incredible line. I think it's... Because it's like, it's almost like interesting in a way that's like, you know, you can take the good with the bad, but it's actually the right this shit down too. It's actually the bad that makes good shit happen. Like, you literally can't...

I hate like this is like true. It's pretty... Do you have my harmonica? It's actually really trike. It's like... I just don't think you're the first one to have this realization. Like there's so many... Just the first to verbalize it or...

Oh, there's so many like... I mean, just the phrase bitter, sweet, like there's so many people that have done and said this... Just not in this way. Better. You said it takes a toothache to appreciate eating. I don't know. You have to stand in the shadow to appreciate the light something you walk in the shadow

to appreciate the light. There's like... Oh, that's really good. To think to appreciate eating. It's... Well, I'm listening. It's a little consequence. It's a little import.

I think you're one of the last to have this kind of realization and actually one of the poorest vocalizations of it that I've heard. Once I was able to sort of come up with the Mike of Gold thing, my next request for theme song is something about how you can only appreciate food after a toothache. I think that the fact that you are almost doubling... You're so... I'm circling back. You're so like disproportionately proud of yourself for what that makes it kind of interesting.

I feel like it really just... It shines a bright light on how it was middling to bad and you're so happy with it and you think it's genius. It's a magnifying glass on you. The fact that you're so dumb and small to like what you like, the amount that you like it. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Sorry, I'm just thinking of a melody. Why? I did it down. I did it down. It's just the heart of gold. Yeah. I think that's in my head. It's hard to like...

You know, like when the song is playing, you're like, I'm trying to think of another song but I can't because this song is playing. Yeah. Don't think that you're the first person to have that realization. Actually that's kind of interesting. You can't hear two songs at once and it takes a toothache to appreciate food. Yeah. Great.

That's a good t-shirt. Really? No. I could sell it. All right. This is If I Were You, the only Wordle podcast on the internet hosted by Osama Mir. I'm Jake. Got it in four today.

Really? Did you see my distribution? Did you see my distribution? Maybe. I didn't remember it just because it's all in the slacks so they come in pretty fast and fierce. Yeah. It was...

If I may, it was ugly. You could hold it up because this will be old news by the time so you can actually show us the words. Yeah. Okay. Pluto. Wow. How excited were you after that?

When I saw Pluto, I... Green and two yellows. Two yellows being an O. One of the two yellows being an O. That's pretty legit. And the U, green. So that's in the right place. So you know where the O is. You know where the O is. We're looking at three of five, correct.

And one, actually where it's supposed to be. So you're like, wow. And you basically... You basically... You could have gotten it in two. Like, there's no reason it could have been not in court or in mount. I thought that it was two. It's all in court.

I was like, oh great, this is two. Because it's a U and an O. I'm like, I don't have any more vowels. I'm only thinking of words with O, U, T. Yeah. And when I guessed court, I was like, there actually aren't any other words that could... So I've already got them in a checkmate situation. So this is my two. And then I saw this, the gray on the C. And I was like, fuck.

But I was like, oh, there's the green O, the green U. Like, I at least, you know, I've got this green T. And then I was like, all right, great. I'll get it in three. And I'll be like, oh damn. Three is a fine consolation. Totally. And then I got it in my head, what I was going to say to other people, and I was going to say, could have had it in two, but I got it in three, you know?

And then I hit them with doubt. And it's just the exact same, the exact same, a gray and a gray. That hurts. Yeah. That hurts. And at that point, you start second guessing everything. You're like, maybe it's not even mount then. Maybe there's like so many words like this, and this is like where this whole thing becomes

a luck-based paste. Yeah. But I mean, to get, those middle two were pretty ugly to me. Pretty ugly. Court. And did you do this last night or in the morning? Morning. I'm a morning word, wordle player.

I had a very similar distro. Whoa. That's a, that's kind of nice to look at almost. It looks like stairs. Yeah. I know yellows. Crest. So I started with Crest.

I've been doing a new strategy where I'm sort of eschewing vowels. I'm trying to go maximum. I see. Because every word basically has one or two vowels. Yeah. Blunt. Wow. Wow.

It's, it's really interesting to get no yellows. Yeah. It's like, if I got a letter, I got it in the right place. That's very fascinating. Um, but yeah, I'm not, I started trying like audio and adieu and all these like vowel heavy words, but like that doesn't get you much. Like the, the sound that the word makes is not as important as the consonants, you know? I do think, I think you need, I think you, it's a consonant heavy game, but I do, I

don't know. I try to, I try to just guess like a three consonants, two vowels. And the nice thing, and what I have started trying to do is like not doing the Wheel of Fortune RST, L and E style. Yeah. Swing for the fences. Like yeah. If I find out that there's, right, if I see a P in there, if I see a G, like that's, that's

pretty good. That's a huge, that's a competitive advantage too. Yeah. Pluto is interesting because that's, that's a proper noun that kind of changes the game. It is weird that Pluto would have been, but maybe they took, maybe it became improper noun when they, when they took away Pluto from being a planet. It's an old planet now. I think you're not playing the official wordle.

Yes, I am. Pull up the app again. It's so weird. It's so weird. It's just, it's just fucking letter blocks. You're cheating. I like Roodle. Nice.

I want to know your, your history. What's your distribution history? I'm 554. I was pretty proud of it until, yeah. I used to be like that. No twos, no sixes. And then I got a six recently and it's humbling. It's humbling.

It wasn't a proud moment, especially because I was, my goal, which should be your goal is to get a two before a six, you know, like you want to hit the promised land before you fail. I think, I mean, two is just, I don't see how two is attainable to me. Yeah. You got to get a little lucky. You got narrowed it down like Pluto and then you narrowed it down to three words, but you would have had to get that and then also get it right out there.

I would have had to guess now first, but like, Jesus, Grayson, oh, wow, look at that. Ignore that one. That was me sort of cheating for a TikTok video. I see. So I'm getting, yeah, eight threes, eight fours. That's good. I think four fives and a six actually. I mean, I think you just want to be in a position where you have more threes than anything else

because I think, yeah, I mean, that would be great. Yeah. Three really takes talent. Yeah. Cause you're able to sort of navigate and see through the looking glass and like be like, okay, if there's a you there and O goes here and figures shit out. Yeah. But Grayson, somebody that works at head gum has gotten like two, I think three or four

times this week. Yes. Like that's insane. And like after one yellow. So it'd be like, is if you like guessed, I don't know, I can't even think of a word that has one yellow for mount, amends or something and it's like, oh, one yellow mount. Yeah. Excuse me.

It's crazy. No, you don't get to guess that and he's done it multiple times. So it's, you can't think that it's a mistake at this point. The dude's good. I've never been more jealous in my fucking life, but yeah, threes are good. I tweeted today that if you get a four, you might as well not even share it. That's a non-score. It's like, I'm, I'm breezing.

There's nothing interesting about a four. I got a four today. I should know. It's fine. Four is just like the last one you can get without being embarrassed. Yes. I think five, you're like, fuck a mad six. It's just, I gotta, I'll tell you what was interesting about the six was the fear of

that last poll, knowing that if after that you will have failed the game. Yeah. And that's a, that's a shameful place to be. I don't even know if I could, I don't know what I would do in that situation. A full O for six. You know what? Is that, I mean, in theory that's in play. Like I got these like UNT words.

Are there, would there be like three other guesses I could have done before mount? Maybe. Like I could have done count. No, you, you knew that the C wasn't around. Oh yeah. The C is out. Yeah. I don't know.

It's a, I keep battling back and forth between like this game is a game of mostly skill to this game is a game of mostly luck to maybe it's like some sort of combination of both. And that's what makes it so interesting. Yeah. I think that's, I think it is a little bit of both. I think it's also interesting that you can only play once. He's like really cracked a code is like a, an antidote to something that we didn't know that we needed.

Do you see that the article that Pyle sent that ref had that interesting fact that the pool of words you can guess like Pluto and one time I guess blook, which is book with an L in it for some reason, you can guess those words, but it would not be in the possible words that they could use. What do you, oh, wow. How like, I've played some like off brand wordle just for practice and slash fun and like the words that they use are like officially words, but like are so hard that I like would rarely

get them. Like Fiverr was one of them. So I guess fixer and finer and Pfeiffer is like, no, it's actually Pfeiffer, which is technically a word, but yeah, it's like this, like a scrabble dictionary where you just like put down any random, you're like, Oh, I think clasp is the word. Exactly. I guess technically, yes. But if that happened on wordle, people would be upset.

Like wordle specifically chooses words that are much more generally known, like even the word Noel got some people upset. I see. So yeah, people are, so it's, it's luck skill and the guy made it easy. Yes. The guy is helping us out because he's getting like, he's getting us to guess where most of us are winning the game, you know, and it's just like, Oh, you've won 22 in a row. But it's the distribution that matters, obviously.

Of course. Does Jillian play? Yes. She does. Does she ever get a two or no, she's never gotten it to Jill's, Jill gets either sixes or sevens. Wow. That's truly like the meanest thing I could have said.

She's actually, she's good. She gets like, I think she mostly does out threes and fours. There is not even a seven. That's how I know you were lying. Um, yeah, no, she's good. Everyone I know plays now. Yeah. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one that hasn't gotten a two.

Yeah. Dude, you and I both, I guess now I just want to beat you to two. That's really what matters to me. Yeah. To get a two. I don't even know if I'd be able to go to sleep after that. Yeah. That's what I play in the morning.

See, it sort of energizes you. But then if I got a six in the morning, I'd have to just go back to bed regardless of the day. It does ruin your day if you do bad. There was a day this week that I got five and I was like, my fucking, my day's run. I'm in a bad mood to start. Yeah. That's probably why you got five.

How about this for a risky change? If you guess a word that's not a word, it brings you to the next row instead of like, Oh, no, that's a free pass. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Instead of the shake. So I should penalize you. When you guessed a book, that was a real word.

Yeah. I was like, it was one of the ones where I was like on my fifth or sixth maybe or I'm like, I don't know what the fuck this word is. So like, I'm like, is this a word? I was like, and then it took it and it didn't really help. I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I was just sort of estimating and then I looked it's like, it means like half blog, half book or something like that.

Wow. That's fucking, can't believe they added that. Yeah. Somebody said that they were able to get whack because they used chasm, which is a word we recommended. That's good. That's very good. I should start following my own advice.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That would really give you whack. Well, now I can't use it because they recently done, well, they could still do chasm. So now I have an opportunity to get it in one. Are you going to go Pluto tomorrow or are you like, this is my chance. This is the best, most fruitful Pluto could have been and it still wasn't good enough.

I usually guess my first word based up on what the word the day before was. Interesting. So today's was mount. Yeah. So I could be like an EA word or something like that. Yeah. I think something like that. I probably wouldn't use a U.

And it's never a four letter noun with an S at the end, I believe. Yeah. I think I've been able to eliminate that. That's smart because there was a time when I was doing that just because I like, based basically couldn't think of a five letter word, but I wanted to like, but I wanted to like, yeah, but I wanted, yeah, you know, you want to get those a couple of the consonants out and you're just like, oh, well, I'll fucking think of an S tossing S on that. Yeah.

All right. Let's take a break. Thanks to sponsor and come back and actually answer questions. Right. Right. Right. This is not just the word podcast. Yeah.

We have to do other shit too. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what

mattress is right for you. Yeah. Right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great or yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God.

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That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit of a device. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. We both do.

We both do. Your friend and friend of the show, Ben Schwartz is in a television show and it's actually pretty awesome if you can believe it. Yes. Yes. Yeah. It's Apple TV's new show, The After Party. And it's got a ton of funny people in it, including Ben, who's, you know, one of the main dudes

on the show. I watched the first three episodes yesterday. It was great. I have not watched it yet, but I can't wait and I love Ben, so I will follow this unsolicited advice. Yeah. And it's, if you like him and our show, you'll definitely like this show because it's basically a pretty unfiltered version of Ben.

And every episode is like a different retelling of a murder mystery. And depending on who's telling the story, it's a different genre and Ben's episode is the third episode. And his is a musical theater rendition of the telling of what happened. Oh, that's great. Ben singing and dancing multiple times throughout the episode. Wow. All right.

Oh yeah. Can't wait to watch. But it's like Ben and Sam Richardson, Dave Franco, Ilana Glazer, Ike Bernholz. Tiffany Haddish. Yeah, Tiffany Haddish. Solid show. So check that out. They're not even paying us.

Well, actually he did invite me to a virtual premiere and they sent John and Vinnie's to my house and gave me a link to watch the first three episodes on my computer. So in a way, they did pay me. That's awesome. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But the food showed up a little late and I was like, when was this supposed to get here? So how do you know it was late?

Because they were like, we'll give you a link to the show, which of course came on time digitally transferred. Yeah. Thank you for that. The food was supposed to show up between four and seven and arrived at 7.15. Not even that. It arrived at 7.15. And it was John and Vinnie's.

7. Very good. It's very good. It's delicious. And that's in Hollywood. It's in West Hollywood, isn't it? It's pretty far from there. I think so.

I think it was a, I don't know, timing wasn't right. Timing wasn't right and it was tacky. 15 minutes late. It was a little tacky. It's tacky that you called him out. You're being tacky right now. So yeah, check out the after party on Apple Plus. Cool.

All right. Should we get to some real Q's and A's here? It's about time. I don't know how we've become the wisdom dispensers for shit related questions, but we got a bunch of shit related questions. So here's the most interesting one. Perfect. A 25 year old guy from Manchester says, my two friends share a flat together and have

recently moved from a place where they each had a bathroom to a smaller flat where they both had to share one. The problem is that at one point in his life, one of my friends discovered the joy in hygiene benefits of giving himself an enema in the shower with the shower head. He turns up the jet setting, hovers it near his sweet ass and fires away. I haven't seen it in action, but from what I can gather, he pushes it a little bit so that any of the shit that's hanging out of his cavity or tag or any tag nuts are forced down the swirl of the drain.

He claims that he bleaches out the shower after every deposit. My other friend is now alleging that he stepped into the shower to find leftover bath that hasn't been drained away. Naturally, he's furious, but the arsehole cleaner maintains that this is impossible as he systematically clears up the evidence. My feeling and the feeling of a non enema housemate is that it doesn't even matter if he washes it away or if residual shit was left. You can't just leave shit in any part of the flat that isn't the toilet.

Asplaster's counterpoint to this is that it's microscopic amounts of poop in the first place and it goes down the drain and all ends up in the same place anyway. He also argued that it's no different from hocking up phlegm in the shower. What's the solution to this? Is the enema enigma a filthy human for letting his fecal matter drop out or is the other guy being way too prudish in the face of minimal shit? Okay. Wow.

I mean, we shared a Jack and Jill bathroom. I've definitely used a hand. I mean, you wash your ass in the shower. I don't think that that's like... You do wash your ass. You have to wash your ass. Wiping isn't enough. It's not like you clean your ass when you wipe on the toilet and then in the shower,

no water should touch your anus. The wiping is that's a bandaid over the wound of you need to clean the fecal matter from your ass and that's something that happens in the shower. I think that the way this is worded is really making it seem like we should be on the side of like, hey, don't shit in the shower. I think we're just talking about cleaning your ass in the shower and that's in line with what you're supposed to do in the shower. Yeah.

But this guy's using it as an enema where there'll be literal flexion. That shit. He's getting loose with that definition, I think. He's using the hand shower more as a bidet than an enema, which I think is fine. That's fine. If he's shoving the tube up his ass and flushing his cavity, then yeah, he should stop that because you'd have to be cleaning the actual shower head at that stage. But if you're just using the spray to clean the A, then that's okay.

That's okay. Yeah. But if there's residual, I've never seen shit in my shower. This guy, I mean, it depends on what kind of drain you have. If he has a graded drain, then I think that's no bueno, you know? But if you have the raised, you need to have something where the little, the dingleberries can flush. Why is there, why do they slow that down?

Every drain is a pretty open hole, and then it's like, wait, but we want to make sure that it doesn't drain so fast, so let's make a grate or make a little raise so that it goes slower. Is that for the piping? No. I think it's for things that you don't want necessarily clogging your drains, like hair going down there, you know? I see, yeah.

You want a garbage disposal. Right. Exactly. So that's why. I see. But I think that just the little, the little duties can go down. This guy said he's bleaching it afterwards, which is probably more than you have to do. The question really comes, I doubt that, by the way, he's not bleaching it after every

use. I think that you- Unless he means his ass. Right. You basically have to be like, you don't have to bleach the drain every single time, but you do have to do it once over and make sure that there's no shit there. But I feel like this guy just divulged too much information about how, like, if you really knew how all of your flatmates showered, I think you'd be, everyone would just be mortified.

What people do in the bathroom is their private time, and ignorance is bliss. Like, when we shared the Jack and Jill bathroom, you used to jerk off onto the mirror, write your name and feces on the ceiling. You would- But you rarely saw that. And I would bleach the ceiling after every use. Yeah. I've shared a bathroom with you for a while.

I could always hear what was, both of us, we could hear what we did in the bathroom. Did you ever share- Did you ever share a shower or bathroom with Dave Rosenberg? Hmm. Yes. Yes, I did. Yes. So you must have seen some terrible things in there.

Yeah. I mean, the bathroom that we shared in Brooklyn was so nasty, and I, like, at some point, we like, I can't remember what was broken, but something got broken so bad, like, he broke the, I don't know, he broke, like, the water tank behind the toilet, or something, it was just so foul, yeah. It's not fun to have roommates in a bathroom. Roommates are fun in the rest of the house, but bathroom roommates are no good. Yeah.

Right. So this guy, are you on the side of the shitter as long as there's no shit, or are you on the side of the guy who's like, you can't do anything shit related in the tub? Yeah, I'm on the side of the shitter. You can't police what people are doing in the bathroom like that, and you are supposed to clean your butthole in the shower. So anyone that says that that's not allowed, then, like, that person that's saying that is either a liar or has, like, a really dirty butt.

But I guess they are talking to us from the UK, so maybe they've got the bidet in the bathroom, which in that, in that case. I think the bidet solves everything here. Like if you get the bidet, you never have to spray in the shower. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, a bidet would certainly be helpful. I think we could recommend that.

But barring that, I think that cleaning your butt in the shower is fine by God. Yeah. But I wouldn't want to use a bidet in the shower. I would say that goes too far. It's too much spray. There's too much poo poo coming out, for sure. You have to get it out. You have to get it out.

It's better in the shower. Enema. And you can forget about using that bathtub ever again. There's no way I'm using a shared bathtub. Yeah. I mean, that's the other thing. I think you just know that, like, if you're sharing a bathroom with a bunch of roommates, it's going to be a little nasty.

Yeah. All right. Let's take another break. Thank you to some more sponsors and come back and answer more questions after these massages. Right. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network,

Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to, like, stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that.

You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A. Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the

best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A. Frames.com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Okay. Another bathroom related question, I guess people are using their toilets a lot recently. Good. And this one's from Sweden. Have you ever been to Sweden?

No, but I'd love to go. Have you ever been to Scandinavia, Norway, Finland, Sweden, any of that stuff? I've been to Copenhagen, Denmark. Yeah. That count? That's pretty good. I'll give it to you. Great.

Is Denmark part of Scandinavia? Is Denmark part of Scandinavia? I think it is. Yes, that's correct. Judges ruling allow it. Okay. Here's a question from Sweden, though. Okay.

We'll call this guy Dane Cook, though. Nice. Because maybe he is a Danish cook. I'm studying my last year of uni in Sweden since I myself am Swedish. Makes sense. Fair. Last weekend I was at a party with, due to COVID, a limited guest list. Nevertheless, I managed to woo the hostess and things are getting hot.

However, it was quite a small apartment of only 32 square meters. So we can't really do anything while the other guests are there. The night goes on, plenty of drinks are had, and so are the laughs. At around three, people are starting to leave, and it is finally time. I'm about to stoop a dime if there ever was one. Before everyone has left, I go to relieve myself in the form of urinary procedure, and when I finish, I start to look around to wash my hands. And I accidentally look in her mirror, which doubles as a sort of cupboard or cabinet which

was wide opened, as well as containing normal items like toothbrush and deodorant. She also kept there a half full 70 CL bottle of apple vinegar. What the fuck? For some reason, this was so weird to me that I left without doing the rumpy-pumpy. I made up some bullshit reason about being too drunk, but the girl was nevertheless disappointed. She said so outright. Since that fateful night, I've not been able to shake the experience out of my head. Why the fuck would she have vinegar in her bathroom?

It was neatly placed in everything, it wasn't there by accident. After the night in question, the girl and I have met at lectures and the such, but she does not act as intimate as she used to. Not ignoring me or anything, just slightly disappointed. So my questions are, is she off the table? Never to be blessed by my PhD in cunnilingus? Should I explain to her why I left in hopes of her having a good explanation? And why the fuck does she have vinegar in her bathroom?

Thanks, Samir. I think you're great. Love. Dane. Okay. You were, you overthought this a lot. You just, I don't know why she had it, right? But my brain, I just said, it's probably some kind of like face thing or hair thing.

There's lots of like homeopathic, like granola type things like that. And I just Google. Yeah, like a shot of apple cider vinegar helps digestion or some shit. And I looked up apple vinegar hair and it looks like it's like, there's a, it's a way to help dandruff and stimulate hair growth. Yeah. I think I talked about. Can apple cider vinegar benefit your hair?

We talked about this on the show about how vinegar, and I made a tick talk about it, how vinegar is just like the result of every life hack where it's like, if your toilet isn't clean, try some vinegar. If your stomach is upset, have you tried vinegar, like put some vinegar in your hair. Like what? Right. And then we talked about what is vinegar. It's water and vinegar.

It's, yeah. So just assume that it's fine. Just assume that she has a good reason because like also, what's the bad reason for her there to be vinegar in there? Like assume that she has a good reason. But absent of that, like what's the worst case scenario? What could possibly be? This is like a Seinfeld episode where you'd be like, this is, this is too much.

Why does he care that much that she has vinegar? She would, he would still have one at sleep with her at the very least. Yeah. It's, it's, yeah, it's not a big deal. Clearly. Yeah. So you don't need a reason or need an explanation and hopefully she still likes you even though you're a very small-minded, petty individual.

There's a plethora of reasons for it and even absent any of the reasons, it's still fine. You fucked up. Wow. Let's see how big 32 square meters is 344 square feet. Well, so yeah, that's not very, that's not very big. That's like smaller than a studio apartment. Yeah. It's like 20 by 15.

Yeah. But that's, that's Sweden, you know, like that's going to happen there. Like everything is kind of compact and expensive because like, yeah, when you're at Stockholm, like a lot of the flats are like built in such a way that like maximizes efficiency with regards to heat because it's such a cold weather country. And if you can like pack them in tighter and charge just as much because the price of lumber there is really expensive because it costs a lot of money to aim. Have you been to IKEA?

It's the mom meets the scratch meets the scars guard. Okay. Yeah. You know how they say like Guinness tastes better in Ireland? In Sweden, IKEA is a fucking West Elm. The stuff is made so well, everything is so expensive and so nice. It's all real wood. The meatballs are a meatloaf in IKEA in Sweden.

The Lingenberry is boysenberry when you're in the IKEA. Oh, actually, I'm just looking it up. IKEA was created in New Jersey. That makes sense. They just gave it just gave it a Swedish name to sort of seem right foreign and interesting kind of like Haagen-Dazs. It was made in Cranston. Yeah, made out of the leftover of a different furniture store, IKEA was they stopped naming

it halfway through a word and then people assumed it was Swedish. That's so cool. IKEA. I had no idea. That's my next stuff for that's my first word in word all next time. Let's see if it's available. I'll check on my computer UK archive. They should also let you play old word all games.

Yeah. We're on 220. I bet there's a website that has it archived. Yeah, I think there is because I started at 200 or something like that. Yeah. IKEA's is not in the dictionary. That makes sense. That absolutely makes sense.

By the way, the guy that made Wordle is like from Brooklyn, right? Lives in Brooklyn. Oh, I thought he was British because it's like a British website. That's what I thought too. But I was reading. Let me see. Somebody sent an article about it, but it had so many words in it so I couldn't read it.

Yeah. His name is Wardle. Isn't it? Is that true? Yeah. Josh Wardle, a software engineer in Brooklyn knew his partner loved word games. So we created a guessing game for just the two of them. Wow.

Just the two of them. Yeah. I don't know. It doesn't say anything about him being in the UK. Also, it's on a website called powerlanguage.co.uk slash wordle. What do you think is going on on powerlanguage.co.uk? Oh, wow, it's this guy's, it's this guy Josh's fucking personal website. He's standing to gain from this.

This isn't just like a fun little thing. How could he gain? It's free. Yeah, but he's sort of like. He started charging. He was just like, you know what, wordle costs $2.99 a month. I'd pay it. Yeah.

I have to. Yeah. And he deserves it, but it would make people upset. Yeah. Well, what he should do is make wordle pro. Like, all right, this daily word will always be free and then you can have unlimited wordles for an extra $2.99 a month, make, I don't know, 10,000 people would sign up for it. Yeah.

We should talk to him. We have a business idea. That's why I think he's not American because he hasn't ruined it with cash yet. Like it just seems like a very British thing. He's like, yeah, it's free and it's popular and that's fun for me. I don't need anything else. I have everything I need, mate. So I'm going to fucking hack this website and make it so that it makes me money.

Power language. Take that. Take that, Josh. Josh, wordle. I created Place and the Button Reddit and more recently wordle. He did stuff before wordle. We should have this guy on our podcast, would he? I feel like he worded.

He'd have to word. All right. On the day that this podcast comes out, I'm going to tweet at wordle, ask him to come on our pod and I need everybody to fucking jump in, like, comment, retweet. Oh my God, you have to make it seem like really fucking big deals. I would love to just ask him to do chasm as the word one day this week or next week. So I'll get it on one. Yeah.

I wanted to ask him about like the origin of the game and like how you can ask him about whatever you want. You can ask him about whatever you want. You're going to, by the way, I already know the origin. It was his wife liked word games. He made it for them. So I read the New York Times profile. Wordle, I loved it.

What do you say? Oh, he also had a task piece. He also had a times piece. That's cool. You were driving that up. Me and Josh in Wordle have that in cartel. You were quoted. And you were the times.

You were the lead in the lead. I'll give you the lead. But you did not have a piece. You did not have a piece. You you had a quote and you did. You were included. It was an op ed. It was an op ed.

And I want to say that does everyone know that your slack name since then is New York Times is Amir Amir has changed his name on slack to be New York Times is Amir. Yeah. And it's just an interesting way of letting people know that I was the lead. So like if people join the company, they'll get that. And people have. We've had like three new people join the slack and you and you just welcome

New York Times in here. It's actually there's an apostrophe. So it's the New York Times is Amir. Yes, I know. I I got obviously I'm not the entire newspaper. That would that's a pipe dream, but a dream. Close of the nose. All right.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for writing in theme song submissions, questions, all of it can go to if I were you show at gmail.com. And of course, these are being recorded as video now. So you can watch them on our YouTube channel. If I were you show, I think, or if I were you on YouTube. Yes, let me see what it's called specifically. Yeah, YouTube dot com slash.

I guess if you search if I were you on YouTube, you can watch these. You'll find it. You'll find it. It's easy and it's good. Even though it's hard for you to find right now. But yeah, you have to check if I were you on YouTube. And then soon we'll have a vanity URL. Believe that.

Yeah, yeah. And more of us on video. We're watching old Jake and Amir's on patreon.com slash J. A job. All right, let's play this entire theme song, but we're not going to stand here and just listen to it again. Well, fade to a graphic. But you guys can stick around and enjoy it again.

It's Antoine's Mike of Gold. Did you have anything to plug this guy? I'd like for him to have this amazing theme song. No. All right. Just the follow up about living in Montreal with his ex. OK, OK, thanks. Thanks, Antoine. Thanks to you guys for listening.

See you next week. Bye. I want to win, but never do I'll be in her soccer for a mic of gold. It's these awards that I never if that keep me searching for a mic of gold. And I'm getting old. Keep me searching for a mic of gold. And I'm getting bold. I'll go.

I've been the arms. I've not yet of Nicolas Word. I'm speaking my mind, I think it's quite shy, and I keep searching for a micro-gold, and I'm getting old. Keep me searching for a micro-gold, and I'm getting cold. Keep me searching for a micro-gold, you keep me searching and I'm going old. Keep me searching for a micro-gold, now I'm 40 with no mics in my home, and I'm getting old. That was a headgum podcast.