If I Were You - 529: Daily Banana

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

In this episode Jake shares his impressions on Amir's impressions. Then the guys call Jake's mom for advice. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Your friends will know who you are anyway. Your story is so specific too. Yet gets kind of wordly. A mirror will earn the dirty heat. Always seems to put his foot in his mouth. And Jake will take the golden mic. He always seems to get it right.

And speak words both powerful and true. And so beautiful. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. Damn.

Damn. Yeah, damn. It's 2pm on a Wednesday. I feel like I'm rolling on fucking Molly. And I'm high. I don't know why. I'm peaking. I don't think so.

It's Wednesday afternoon. It was a sensual song that made me kind of feel myself. As it were. In a way. On the day. I congratulate this guy who wrote the song. Bravo. Bravo.

Well done. And Toda. Would you say now is the most sober time of the week? Like Wednesday at 2? Or would you be like Monday morning is kind of the most sober time of the week? I would say. I think for me personally. It's probably Thursday morning.

Feels like the most sober. It's like the peak of the ramp going into the weekend. I feel like. Yeah. But we're definitely sobering up for sure. Yeah. Like no one's. I feel like sometimes Monday doesn't feel that sober.

Because if you like toss a few back on Sunday fun day. You know your Monday might be set up a little bit different. Yeah. Like you might have a hangover. So it's not necessarily sober. It's hungover. Yeah. It's kind of recovering your grinding.

Yeah. Wednesday. Yeah. Wednesday you're real. You'll have a salad for lunch. You're falling into lockstep. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Not even a grain bowl. Just like a pure salad lunch. Actually I had a grain bowl. I had a grain bowl today. Sorry to hear that.

Yeah. Remember when we heard about. We heard about the cool times to go to Berk-Ein and it was always like the weirdest like Tuesday at 10 a.m. is the hardest time to get in. You could probably go Friday night. Yeah. That's fine. Nobody really goes.

But like if you go Thursday at noon. Good luck. What kind of weird topsy-turvy club is this shit. There's no. It's kind of interesting though. It's I like the philosophy because like right now I do feel awake energized and alert. So like if I were on vacation and partying and I could just go out on a Wednesday afternoon. Yeah.

You kind of have to like leave societal norms behind if you're going to go into Berk-Ein. Yeah. Exactly. Everything is upside down in Berk-Ein. Also was pre-COVID wasn't there like 6 a.m. raves in New York. Does that sound familiar to you. It's like maybe even a silent disco. Like people would go before work or something like that.

There was like this new thing. Yeah. That certainly rings true. That certainly rings true. There's always silent raves somewhere. Like this one was still happening. Specifically pre-work like an early morning dance party thing. Yeah.

That sounds quite familiar. It sounds quite familiar. I wonder if we should bring that back. Now enough people have forgotten who it's actually attributed to. It can sort of be like the founders of it. Yeah. I mean it wouldn't be that. I don't think it's like a huge opportunity for us.

Brush your teeth and then have a. I don't know if there was alcohol there actually. Probably. There was like green juices. Athletic rest. Yeah. That sounds like it's just fucking breakfast. So not really.

I want to play music and Denny's is all. I would actually go to that. That's cool. Yeah. Like a diner slash party, a diner dance party, a DDP. Yeah. And we can play the song that was at the top of the show, which was written and sent to us by Tony Saragosa.

Oh, we know Tony, don't we? He's done one before. Has he? If you can shout out my band, The Medium Blue. We're on Spotify and Apple Music. Also tell everyone to follow us on Instagram. We're trying to get that elusive one K follow. The Medium Blue.

Nice. Very cool. Medium Blue. Get on it. I'm sorry. They have less than a thousand. Yeah. It's not.

If I had less than even 10,000, you have permission to kill me. Great. I am a nobody. So everyone listening. Everyone listening. Go ahead and unfollow me real quick. No. And then I would have permission to kill him and I'll do that on my Instagram live.

I'm actually, that's right. Maybe I'm regretting this whole thing then because I'm already somehow fucking hemorrhaging followers right now. There's no way anybody. There's no way it's related. Like the anti-secret. Yeah. You posted something.

If you don't have 10,000 followers, unfollow me. I'm dead to rights because I think I fucking put it out there in the ether like the secret but backwards where I'm sort of putting nasty energy into the world and it's coming back at me and now I have 912 followers. How do I have 912? I'm going to book a flight. I will be booking a flight to LA. I will be strangling you on Instagram live.

There's no way because a lot of my followers are just confused Iranians who think they're following somebody else named Amir. They're bots. They must have found out. They must have found out. They must have found out. They must have found out you're not the prince that you claim to be. That's a great pun because Amir means prince.

Does it not? Yeah. I mean, I don't know what happened. You have permission to kill me. Cool. I think rather than take you up on full permission. Yeah, rather than do that. I'm saying we should.

I think I'll still end up killing you, but we should fight to the death. I just watched like a snuff film of sorts. Kind of. Yeah. I watched the movie The Last Duel. You know, so for like a long time people, it was like a form of entertainment. People would just kind of watch two nights fight to the death. Matt Damon's in that, right?

Yeah. Matt Damon is. Matt Damon. What's Adam? Matt Damon, Adam Driver, Jody Comer. I heard that movie is like a microcosm of why Hollywood never does original movies anymore, where it's like it used to be a bunch of movies like The Last Duel. And then Spider-Man came out in like 2003 and they're like,

never mind, we're only going to do that because like movies like The Last Duel, nobody knows what they are. We can't market it. Even if Matt Damon's in it, nobody will see it. We have to just make Batman again. We're going to make Batman again. And now we're going to make Batman again. Sounds about right.

I mean, how many fucking Batman origin stories are there? Whenever I see a commercial, I always get like kind of upset. I'm like, they can't keep doing this and then they do and then it makes a billion dollars and then it makes sense. No one cares. Yeah, because like now as we get older, it's like when we were growing up, we liked the Batman movies, but now we're taking our kids to the Batman movies. It's like this fucking insane cycle. So what is it?

Just the same story? We're not even doing reboots. We're like, we're reshooting the movie from scratch with Robert Pattinson and people will still watch it more than The Last Duel. And it's like, you know exactly what happens to Bruce Wayne. His parents get murdered outside of the opera. How many times will they do that? They're just like, oh my god.

They're not allowed to build up drama around it. They don't deserve to have it that way. I feel like every Batman film should just be like quick cut like this, this, this, this here. And now it's Batman and now he has to find a villain or whatever. But it's like, it's crazy to me. But they still do a lot better than a movie like The Last Duel. Was The Last Duel even good? Yeah.

I was kind of enthralled by it. I like that it was like based on a real historical event. In like an era that we haven't really seen a lot of films set in. I like the actors. And it was fun to watch. So yeah, I guess I did like it. I guess I liked it. I don't think I liked it in a way that I would like normally have been.

I don't know why I started talking about it now. But yeah. Oh yeah, because we talked about, I was talking about killing you. So normally it wouldn't have come up. I wouldn't have ever told anyone that I watched The Last Duel. On a plane. I checked it out. It's a plane movie.

It was fine. Yeah. It was fine to good. Yeah. I was curious the entire time. Was it better than a random Avengers movie you may or may not have seen already? Yes. I do think it was better.

But it's funny because like the Avengers movies, I feel like, I guess in their own way, they're not made to be watched on a plane. But like, they're so simple. And I guess you miss a little bit of the special effects. But this movie was like all about like the performances and those like nuances like subtle differences between like the moments and all the stories. And I was watching on a computer like while I was eating my sandwich, while they were making like flight announcements.

So I definitely don't think I saw it as it was intended. I watched Tenet on my watch. Yeah. Yeah. With one ear button and the other one listening to a podcast. And I was on a treadmill and my Fitbit was actually tracking all of it. And you were sitting on the edge of the treadmill as it was just going. So you would kind of log the miles.

All right. This is it. This is if I were you. The only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I am still a mirror. Not for long. I'm Jake and I will be killing him for the first time in a while live Instagram. My hair is you guys can see this.

We're still uploading these as YouTube videos so you can watch along if you want on our YouTube channel. You can see for the first time in a while my hair is longer than yours. That's correct. This is actually the cut that I've been asking you to get for a long time. Yeah. And I'm actually getting the kind of old George Clooney. Yeah.

It's actually it's sort of turning into this Jewish Hugh Grant thing where it's like sort of a middle part going all the way down to my eyebrows and then spreading out. I like it. I think you should try that with a closer cropped beard if I can. But I need to be I need to be I need to have a British accent. I think to pull it off. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. If I could do a Hugh Grant or something like that. Yeah. Because he's often like sort of struggling to find it. Yeah. You know. You can't quite find the words. Exactly.

It's like but you when you do it it makes me anxious when he does it it's kind of like charming. It's endearing. No. Yeah. It's it's grading. It is great. Yeah.

Or more like a Woody Allen. Oh yeah. That's good. Yeah. Because he's sort of ostracized for Deeds. Dirty Deeds done dirty. Now he. Yeah.

Oh my God. It's been. Oh my God. Long December and there's reason to believe he did some things that aren't good at all. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah.

Actually Adam Gerwitz recently performed that live on the Seth Meyers show. I feel like you would enjoy that. Oh I will. God I would fucking love that. I. On the piano by himself. Really. God damn.

Yeah. That's awesome. We listened to that song recently on backstage when we were in Minneapolis for the NADPOT tour. Just blasting some. Was it December? No. January.

Early January. But it had been a long December. Yeah. That's right. January is sort of the beginning of a long December. Yeah. You're back in the office. This might be the last pod you record in our the head gum east.

That specific one. Yeah. God willing. God willing. Do you know what happened to in this office? I heard it was falling apart at the finish line of sorts. Yeah. We've been in this office two years.

Two years. Two pandemic years. Maybe even. I think it was a little more. Two and a half years. Three years. Yeah. I think three years.

Three years in like 2019. One summer of 2019. So like six months of non-pandemic good life and then two years of pandemic. Right. And office has always been nice. We like built it out. We built the studio. I built a kitchen.

Marika tiled the kitchen. Like great space. It's a really nice space. We have a patio. Everybody that comes here loves it. Over the last like few months there's been like the floorboards near the desk have started to like warp in a way that's that we would believe that like there's a leak going on above them.

But there's nothing going on above them. I think the leak is like coming from the roof or the. Like the patio or something. So they're starting to buckle to the point where you it's not even like a just you have to like step over it. It's like a 12 inch hail buckle like completely concave. Yeah. I texted the landlord about it several times.

He responded once or twice saying he was going to come by and fix it. Never did. Yeah. We got our new office. We're moving at the end of the month. We gave our notice yesterday. I walked in to pick up the microphone and there were just there were two men here. All of our desks had been moved to the side.

We're not moved out yet. They were not moved out. We have a month and a half left on our list. They had moved all of our desk. They had taken down all of the like art on our wall. It's kind of like just strewn everything about to clear the back wall. Right. Where they had cut out a four foot by four foot hole exposing like the wall and the pipes

kind of near where the they I guess they maybe suspected the leak was. We had installed closets that they ripped off the wall, moved to the side. Cut a enormous hole in the bathroom. A hole into it. And a hole into the bathroom. There's like a bathroom where you walk around. It's kind of like, yeah, you walk around a corner to open the door to the bathroom, but then instead they just kind of cut a hole in the hallway.

So there was two openings to the bathroom. And in the bathroom, they had cut down all of the walls, the ceiling, moved the sink, put the toilet in the kitchen. And it just it seemed like they were just doing major renovation. Yeah. Of the bathroom and of the of like the desk, the wall desk. And no one had told us anything. So why do you think they don't want to let alone before we moved out?

I don't know because like now looking at it today, they so yeah, they hadn't said it. They have gave us no warning, no indication it was happening. I like called in text to the landlord, no response. I call in text to our realtor who we'd been dealing with. She's like, they said they were, I think what did she say? She's like, I thought they said they would be done today. And I was like, no one told us they were doing anything at all. No one said they'd start yesterday.

Yeah. And then she was like, they'll be finished at the end of the day. And I'll clean it up tomorrow. And I was like, okay, I really doubt it. Like the toilets in the kitchen, you get that? That's more than just a frame on the floor. Yeah. Like there's no way that they could have been done.

But I came in this morning and sure enough, they're definitely not done. No. The walls are still completely open. The toilet is back in the bathroom. They did kind of patch one hole and the door on the new one that they cut. So everything technically works. So you can't see is exposed. I think, I mean, we probably could.

The wiring is all exposed everywhere. Maybe we can get some money back. They took off all of the outlets. That's the, like it's such weird timing because they, all that could, we have one month left to pay and they have our security deposit. So it's not really, it's basically a moot point. Because then they'll be like, no, we'll just take your security deposit if you don't. Right.

Right. So we refuse to pay. They refuse to give the security deposit back. But it's also, I don't know, you can kind of see. Oh, there's a T-Rex. What's going on there? Construction. Yeah.

There was, when we first, when we first moved in here, there was like a warehouse across the street that they started demolishing a few weeks ago. I found out that they sold it to a condo developer. It's like four lots, like the full corner of Berry Street. And they're going to be doing construction forever. I would think. So it's good that we're getting out of this loud sort of falling apart office. Yeah.

It can't happen soon enough. And the new building that I've been dealing with, they just have like a team of everyone for everything. It's just like, it's so, it's so nice rather than me texting like a number that never, that I never ever get a response from. Yeah. So the good news is we're moving to a better space in New York and in LA. The studio is almost built.

So we're going to have some high res, nice production style video podcasting going on soon. That's right. So actually, if you don't subscribe to this podcast on video, you should. But also, I guess follow like Head Gums YouTube channel and subscribe to that. And TikTok. We'll be posting on, okay. Yeah.

So follow us on shit. Yeah. There's going to be new stuff coming out of the offices, which will be fun. It's kind of cool that it's like happening on like the anniversary of the original lockdown. It would have been cool if it was like one year. The second year was probably unnecessary, but the fact that it's happening in March, the middle of March again. Yeah.

Very interesting. It's poetic almost. Actually. Write this part down ready. No. Two years gone in 24 months. Okay. It's being recorded for posterity.

So I'm not going to write anything down. So I feel like two years gone and not, I guess two years and 24 months. How about one year gone and 12 months? That way people are like, oh, that's interesting. It's two years, but he said it in a kind of flowery way. You know how poetry is always like kind of confusing for no reason. Yeah. It's not for no reason.

It's supposed to be personal. We returned to the, we returned to the sea like a turtle return to the sea. What are you talking about? Like our office is like the ocean. What does it mean to you? It doesn't fucking matter. It all just has to be confusing. The thing about poetry is that it matters a lot.

Your word choice matters a lot. It's all supposed to signal something. As long as you put it deeper media. Yours? No, it's not as long as you put, what were you going to say? As long as you put it in a funny place. Like, you know how like some poetry they'll be like, this isn't very good. So I'll like fucking move it from the left to like do, do, do, do, do, do.

How like sometimes it looks. Don't tell me to write stuff down if it's not fully formed yet either. Just that's a small one, but I feel like you told me to, like you started dictating something that was clearly not ready to be. Wrong. You're going to say wrong? Yeah. I thought so.

Yeah. All right. China. Run. That's this Robert De Niro doing a jump or something. This is the kind of shit you're missing if you're not watching on YouTube. That's a good Robert De Niro. It's a good Bob De Niro face.

Really? Yeah. That's really good. You get the frown. I can't make that level of frown. What about Hugh Grant doing Robert De Niro? I mean, I can't really understand. Sort of like beaker from the Muppet babies a little bit.

Yeah. I feel like you're, it's a little convoluted. A little. You don't need to like, yeah, you don't need to stack the impressions. Neither of them are that good on their own. The Bob De Niro one is fine. Yeah. Hugh Grant was really good.

Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Cool. All right. We got to take a break. Thanks to sponsors.

Come back and answer some more questions. We got a ton of lightning round questions last week that we didn't get to. So I wanted to answer some more. That's right. All right. Cool. BRB. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah.

Right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of the decade. Excuse me. I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great.

Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing.

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Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a leather device.

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I do. I actually have two, I've got two product recommendations. You want to use them right now? Yeah. Okay. Well, actually, one of them is for my own product, frankly.

It's for the leather Halcyon wallet. I have that. We restocked it. We've never shown it on video, which is kind of savage. But yeah, there you go. You have a thick guy. I got the thin boy. Wow.

There's my license. Oh my God. It's dangerous. It's scary to just like flash your license first. It feels like there should be like information that no one should have, but it is perfectly fine. Yeah. Ultimately.

Ultimately fine. Okay. So anyway, we were sold out for a long time, but they're back in stock and you can get one if you want. The other thing is not a product I make, but I'm traveling, right? And when I first started traveling again, I was bringing my water pick. I don't know if I mentioned that I'm back on the water pick. There was a while where I was off it, but I love the water pick now.

Okay. That's good. At the end of every single night. That's good. Yeah. It's a necessary routine. My thing that I never liked about it is that it's kind of bulky. It's not that pretty.

Do you leave yours on your counter? I do. But I care less about a neat counter. My counter's got all sorts of shit on it. I care very much about a neat counter. My counter has soap, a little vase, plant and nothing else. I didn't even keep a toothbrush on the counter. Wow.

Okay. Yeah. How does it dry off? Where do you put it? I usually like, we'll brush my teeth in the morning. I will leave it out, go to the gym, come home, shower, put away the toothbrush. It dries out and then you return it. Yeah.

And the water pick, since I only use it at night, I usually leave that out overnight and I put it away in the morning in the same drawer with the toothbrush. In the safe underneath your bed with a key. Then I swallow it, pass it at the gym, go home, rinse it off. But yeah. So I think it's bulky. And like when I put it in my dot kit to travel, it really takes up just about the whole entire thing.

It just doesn't fit all the way unless you take off, remove the needle. Yeah. You have to remove, I put the needle in my toothbrush carrying case and then it's like, where is everything else going to go? So I looked up, something I'd never done was just like a travel portable water flosser and I found one called the N Pooley Water Flosser. It's E-N-P-U-L-Y. I have, I'm not recommending this brand specifically, but just basically know that there are travel

water picks. It's so small. It's like the size of a, it's almost like the size of like an extra iPhone battery or something. And it like extends, it extends out, so it can't hold water, right? It actually attaches to a water source you have to have. No, it can hold water here. Oh, interesting.

I thought it was like just a needle and a motor and then you can like put it on a cup. Oh, that would be interesting. That actually would make it even, even smaller. But this one's pretty small as it is because it basically, it compacts and extends. It's retractable. Yeah, it's retractable, that's it. So I like it basically better than my other water pick and it takes up less space. And the reviews, some of the reviews just say it doesn't hold enough water, but I find

that my other water pick holds more than enough water. I'm usually emptying it out at the end of the day. And if I have to fill it up twice, that's not the end of the world at all. I definitely, I would sacrifice that for saving the space. It's also better looking. It's sleeker. It's cooler. What is the, why do you need a USB cord for a water pick to charge it?

Interesting. So you don't charge yours? Mine is charged with like a wall outlet. Oh, yeah, this one is like a USB-C, I think. Wow. So you can charge it from your computer. Yeah. So you could also just plug the USB thing into a little brick, which is probably easier

because nobody wants to bring their water flosser out onto their computer. So we've gone full circle. I think our first recommendation was water pick and now we're going all the way to, three years later we've landed on travel water pick, a smaller water pick. Yeah. And I think that the travel, if you haven't bought one yet because you were worried they were too bulky, I think the travel one will suffice for your at home water pick as well. Okay.

That's good. I don't know if, I think people who haven't bought it has nothing to do with the bulkiness. They just don't want to fucking add shit to their nighttime routine. But that's why I stopped using it because in my old, my old bathroom was smaller and I didn't have the space to have the water pick. Right. And now you have the space. You have the water and you have the pick.

That's right. Yeah. Okay. Let's get to some questions from the peanut gallery. Speaking of peanuts, Mongoose Bitch asks, oh my God, what's the best type of M&M for trail mix? So like, do you put the peanut M&M in trail mix? If there's already peanuts in there or do you want the regular M&M's for the trail mix

or do you go no chocolate at all? You go chocolate chips or something like that. I actually just had some really, really delicious trail mix. And it was like Mr. Planter's peanut butter chocolate trail mix. It was basically like I was just eating peanut butter M&M's mixed with peanut M&M's mixed with regular M&M's and then like three cashews. So I guess the best trail mix is heavy on the chocolate, light on the raisins. I don't do any fruit in the trail mix.

It's a different contest. It's a sticky consistency. Yeah. You don't want that. I don't fuck with that. The M&M's, the candy shell is almost like it takes you out of the flow. Like I think I said no chocolate, but chocolate chips. I meant no candy shell, but do you go straight to chocolate chips?

And I think that's my favorite because then you can get the nuts with the chocolate. Let's say a not half and half, but a three to one raish. Do you remember my old, in my... I wasn't done. Sorry. You were done. You were done. You were absolutely done.

I was going to say, I wonder why chocolate would be good. You were, oh, you mean you were going to trail off? Trail mix off. Nice. Do you remember my apartment where I had like, I didn't have any food except for like a giant jug of cashews and chocolate chips. Oh yeah. That was sort of like, you were trying to redefine snacking.

You're like, I don't need any snacks whatsoever. Just a giant jug of nuts and chocolate. Yeah. I was like, the trail mix, they overdo it. There's too much. And I just had raw cashews and semi-sweet morsels. And it's like, that really is all you actually need. Everything else is just filler.

Did you get sick of it or did you start to desire salty at a certain point? I don't remember why I ever stopped. I feel like I stopped because I moved. I think that is why. Because that was more of like a live by yourself thing. You start to get really meticulous and you make things nice and you indulge all of your like, oh, it'd be nice to have this. It'd be cool to have this.

And then I moved in with Dave Rosenberg and my kitchen became a sad place for me. So hot mess. Yeah. Just like, ruffles. Nothing worked. Yeah. The floor was crunchy and slimy at all times. We got to experience that.

I think the adult version of what you had is like, you can get one of those crank things for your wall. Like, oh, let me put like boom, boom, boom. It comes out. Already a pre-made trail mix thing. I do. I think that the best trail mix has chocolate, but like the best trail mix for you and the one that I, I feel like I would consistently snack on now is just one that's, it's basically

mixed nuts. Yeah. But if you're actually hiking, I think you do need the fruit and you do need the chocolate, the very, at the very least you need the chocolate. I would prefer it with no fruit. Yeah. I mean, that little sugar hit dry fruit is so probably good for you. But like, like some trail mix has like those big ass fucking orange.

Like, I think it's like a dehydrated, what? Like a peach, like a full fucking peaches in there. I don't think so. Dr. Wenger banger, great names, writes. Cool. Hey, Jake, I have two year old twins and they're killing me. Can you call your mom?

Yeah. Can you call your mom on air and get some tips from her? I know she had triplets, along with the rest of you. Congrats on the golden like. Yeah. Do you want to call my mom? Yeah. How would that work hard?

It feels like it'd be hard. You'd have to like put her on speaker up to your, up to your microphone. Okay. I can give it, I can try. She might be teaching right now. Let's find out. Yeah. I mean, the more we get closer to adults age that have kids, the more insane it is

that your mom had two kids and then triplets probably, right? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Can you hear my phone right now? In case she doesn't answer. Yeah. Okay. Gee.

Hey, mama. What a treat. How are you? I'm great. How are you doing? I'm good. It's so nice and warm out. Yes.

Yes, it is. Um, so mom, you're on, I'm recording my podcast right now. So you're on air. Man. Um, Amir is here too. Hey, Amir. Hey, how are you? Can you hear me?

Oh, I don't know if she can. Yeah. You'll have to translate. You can't hear him, can you? I, I could not hear Amir right at that moment. Okay. Yeah. That's my fault because I have them, uh, on, on my AirPods.

We, we don't know how to do Collins yet. Um, but he said, hi, how are you? And we have a question, um, for you from a listener. Um, so let me repeat it back to you. Amir, tell me what it is again. He said, uh, twin, I have two year old twins and they're killing me. Can you call your mom on air and get some tips from her? Okay.

So a guy, uh, emailed in, he said, I have two year old twins and they're killing me. Can you, uh, get some tips? Can you call your mom and get some tips for her from her? Uh, so yeah, do you have any tips for someone that has, uh, twins that are killing him? Man, that is very challenging, but, um, one thing that is really, really helpful. I find, or I found was like, um, just sticking them in front of, um, some kind of television show that's not terrible, like something that's like quasi

educational because a lot of times, um, they, they kind of, I mean, I just remember when the triplets were little, they would, um, almost like, um, I don't know, kind of ramp, amp each other up. Like, um, one of their favorite games was like upsetting Rachel. We still love that game. It's still a good game. It, you know, it's solid, solid game, but, um, I, I think sometimes just diversionary tactic is good.

Another thing that is very helpful and this might actually be something that's a lot of work, sticking them in the bath because that becomes an activity that's just kind of fun and they seem to enjoy it. Especially you kind of toss them in there and then forget about them and check on them later. That's exactly it. And you hope they're, you know, their heads are still about water, but, you know, all it, it all works.

You're crazy mom. What's the hardest age to have those triplets ask her? And you know this, I, I had the triplets stroller. Oh yeah. I remember the triplets stroller in a stroller and going for a walk. Yeah. It's just, there's something about it that's just kind of mesmerizing and, um, they, they just tend to really enjoy it.

So solid advice. And I, we have one other question from Amir, uh, who wants to know what was the hardest age? Yeah. What was the hardest age, uh, to have the triplets be? Oh man. Okay. You know, probably it was around that two year mark.

Okay. That was just hard. So he's, so he's going through the worst of it right now. He is, he is. And then, you know, you hit another patch when they're like 13. Okay. Cool. So he has that to look forward to.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, 10 good years. Um, all right. Well, thank you very much, uh, for your help, mother. I love you very much. I love you so much.

And yeah, any, any time you want to call and put me on your show, I'm here for you. Cool. And I'll call you later just to, just to chat. Okay. Okay. Love you. Okay. Bye-bye.

Love you. Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye. All right. There you have it. Two Muppets asks, what's the biggest thing you've ever seen? And I'm going to say my cock. Don't do that so close to my mother's voice, please. But I will agree.

I'll say a mirror's cock. That's funny. Call your mom. Let's ask her what the biggest thing she's ever seen was. I feel like I don't want to annoy her. Yeah. She obviously didn't sound happy to hear from me. Yeah.

She said the hardest age you've ever been was 36 or whatever you are now. 36 is right. Thank you. Okay. Do you have a go to Mario Kart characters as David O'Hare? Donkey. Donkey. That's right.

Really? I always like to be the biggest guy. That's that way you're slow to accelerate, but fast when you're on the loose. I don't even, I don't play Mario Kart close enough to know the difference between. Me, I'm a while. You tried to get me to stop talking. I'm a while Luigi stand slash. You were mad that I interrupted you.

This time you were mad that I was just talking at all and you interrupted me. Yeah. He gives you the dexterity of a big with the sort of fast acceleration of a small man while Luigi is you're a small man, by the way. Not really. Yeah. I'm average, if not a little bit above average in the height and normal BMI low average, not really.

Maybe in Gen five. I can't remember what the bid is on Hollywood handbook. Nothing ever makes me laugh harder than when those guys make fun of you. Yeah. You can't say anything slightly wrong or interesting or they'll find it. They'll expose it and they'll tickle it. God, they're so good. Okay, let's take another break.

Answer some more questions on the other side of these massages. All right. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network, Jake. Wow, that's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah, yeah, not just father's day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're, they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we, how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant.

Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a, she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me, like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift, a really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames. That's a u r a frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a u r a frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping.

Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help. Thank you, better help. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. Uh, but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. Uh, so give therapy a try.

It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. Um, so you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to better help.com slash if I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room.

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We have to keep answering questions. It's such as our lot in life. Yeah. Why would we ever stop? Actually, I asked a question on a Twitter for a poll and I was quite intrigued to not only hear your answer, but to hear what you would guess people would say. Let me pull it up. It was, would you rather be insanely good at tennis or table tennis?

Yeah. Insanely good or table tennis like Rafa good. No, like at the top, like the top 5% of population, like you're not entering tournaments and winning. That's like for the super good, but like 19 random people on the street. You're better than I say, uh, tennis. I guess no, like probably, yeah, no, um, hesitation at all around that. Okay.

And then see how ping pong would be, uh, would be cool, but I don't think it comes close to, uh, you know, being good at tennis. Okay. Now what do you think people said? What, what would the population after 1800 votes? What would you guess? I think by and large, um, people are dumb. So I'll say 60% said ping pong.

It's almost the exact opposite. 58% still prefer tennis and 42% said table tennis. Oh, all right. Pretty close. Uh, Melanie Bracewell, friend of head gum said, uh, table tennis for sure. It's not like you could just play tennis at a party. So it's more of like a party thing. Like there's your, you're more likely to run into a ping pong table at a bar

or like a social gathering to prove you're really good at tennis. You have to fucking make an appointment with someone and meet them on the courts. No one will ever know you're really good at tennis. Yeah, but I don't, I guess if it's like, that's not what I'm trying to get out of this experience. I think it would be fun to be good at tennis. I like playing tennis.

You're getting good exercise. You're outdoors. Um, it just seems like a more fun experience. I also don't think that I've been at very many parties where I would have shown off being good at ping pong. That's probably happened as much as my opportunities to show that I'm good at tennis. Really?

You think you've been around more tennis courts than table tennis courts? I guess that I grew up playing tennis, but I don't think that like I go to parties and there's ping pong, uh, set up there. Yeah. Sometimes there's some at a bar. Yeah. Visit someone's office. Maybe not what bars do you go to where there's ping pong?

There's that one of the, uh, the line in Los Angeles that we used to play ping pong at. Yeah. What about table tennis or, uh, billiards? What would you be? What would you rather be really good then between table tennis and billiards? Definitely billiards. You can like make cash playing billiards, hustling people.

Yeah. Uh, what do you, what about you? What do you think? Um, it's kind of personal. So that kind of don't want to answer that. Okay. Fine. Then move on and let's not make a meal out of you.

Not answering. I don't know. It just feels like, yeah, I don't know. I'm, I'm down to like open up because I do think that honesty is super important on the pod because like people want to feel like they're hanging out with two friends, but I don't even think I'd tell you. Yeah. Don't think that, that anybody listening to the show feels like they're

hanging out with two friends and antagonist to me. If you listen to the company, if you listen to this show, it just feels like we're three out. We're three. You've yelled at me several times today. You, you told me, you told me to let you finish talking. You interrupted me so you could talk. You made me call my mom and then motion with your hand to say, wrap it up.

You haven't done anything fucking kind for me at all. And I haven't done anything in kind either. And it's not in line. It's all been out of line and out of kind and out of turn. Table tennis, sorry. Tennis is number one, table tennis, two billiards, three for me. Okay. Yeah.

I think I, yeah, I can see that because I get more joy out of playing table tennis, but I feel like it's probably, I would, I'd impress more people being good at billiards. It's cool to put the chalk on. Yeah, but anyone can do that. Like I, yeah. I, uh, I went to a bachelor party three years ago for Billy. There was a foosball table there and, you know, Ryan Glennon, right? Yeah.

Long haired, cool dude, musician, builder, can sort of do it all. Right. Yeah. He was insanely good at foosball to the point where nobody could score on him and he couldn't be stopped. Like he would, I'd never seen someone so good at a game where he would beat like 10 people in a row, like 20 to zero. It was like, he was controlled.

It was as if he was controlling the ball with his hand, like boom. And it was like, I can't even see what's happening. Wow. I couldn't advance the ball past like his third little rail. He had, he, I don't understand before. What is it? Yes. He was like, he played a lot in college and like just like trained and trained and

trained, like that's, that's the amount of good I, I'm imagining. Like you're just like, right. If it's like a party full of casuals, you fucking destroy them. Right. Foosball, I'm really bad at it. Like I can't, it's almost too stressful. Like it's so happening so fast. I'm like, fucking spinning.

Oh God, I have no control over it. It's a, it's a, foosball is a weird game because it's like, it's dumb enough that you feel like you should be good. So you do get competitive. You're like, Oh, I can win. We should win. We can stop the ball. We just pass it.

We kick it into this thing. And it's cool to score. Yeah. There's not a good, there's not enough like strategy. Everybody, everybody's kind of the same level and you lose and you're confused about how you lost. Yeah. I feel like if you're actually good, you're like, Oh, I know how I lost.

I messed this thing up. But like foosball is like, I'm bad. I can win. I lost. Why did that happen? He was passing the ball to himself, like not only line to line, but like within the same strip. So like he would bank it off the side of the wall, like lift, like he would be

able to pass it to like different fucking soccer players like Beckham. He was. I couldn't even, he was doing fucking tricks. It was unbelievable. I'd never seen anything live. Nobody's scored on him. Wow. No one scored on him.

No, I have to see it. Wow, that's amazing. I really, I, I wonder if there's like a video of him playing. Shout out to Ryan. Um, shout out in janitor, Janitor Lord asks, is Jake allergic to anything? No. Awesome. Yeah.

BHY 008 asks, how many bites to finish a banana? Be honest. Um, so you know how I, I've, I kind of famously eat a banana in a bad way. Really? Yeah. You bite through the middle of it, peel still on like a corn on the cob. And then throw away that far off. I peel it in full and eat it loose in my hand.

I see. So you don't use the natural holding grip. No, I do not. I, I find that to be a waste of time and I need to peel my banana and throw away the peel and kind of eat it on the go. I don't want to have to deal with appeal. You don't want to deal with the people. Right.

I don't want to deal is too much to deal. Yeah. So I usually peel it fully in half or yeah. Sorry. Peel it fully, break it in half, eat it in one to two, um, or sorry, eat it in two. And then the other one in two, I would say four, maybe five. Wow. That's, those are big bites.

Yeah. Large bites. Uh, are you eating a banana every day? No, not even close. What about you? I eat a banana every morning. It's the first thing I eat slash how many bites? Uh, I usually go pretty slow because I'm like waking up and I'm eating it.

And then as I'm eating it, I'm giving, uh, Luke, the dog, like small bites of my bites, like we wake up, he follows me to get the banana. I'll put a little bit of his medicine. Yeah. And we share a banana every morning and then I'll drinking water. Yeah. God, I, that's so fucking cute. I hate how fucking charming that is.

That's a new grant level. I really, I'm gonna shout, shout, shout, shout. Great. All right. Now I'm back to hitting you. This one was asked earlier. Let's see if we could remember how do you make vinegar? This came up last one and we both sort of didn't know.

Did you look it up? Yeah. What is vinegar? Yeah. We looked up what is vinegar. Is it, I think it already, it was like fermented something or other kind of like alcohol or something from water or something. Fermented grape seeds.

Yeah. Um, vinegar is the base of all things. Yeah. It's every life hack is if your stomach hurts, if you want things whiter, if you want to de-smell, if you want to do anything, you always add vinegar and we're still not sure it is. Um, okay. To make it yourself, all you need is a clean jar of some alcohol, a mother, the

starter for the fermentation process and at least two months to allow the mother to work. The mother, oh mother, you need to work, work mother, alcohol and a mother. Sounds like my mother. Nice. So it's fermented alcohol, I guess. Yeah. Okay.

We should make our own vinegar. The other thing I want to do is become a notary. These are two things that have come up on the podcast that I actually want to follow through on. I know it is just notary, a guy who's like making sure that somebody's actually signing something. Yeah. My dad said it's actually not that hard because my dad is a notary and I could

become, become one in Connecticut. He said pretty easily. He said it's harder in New York. Interesting. Uh, if I'm registered in Connecticut, I can like perform notary, you know, nationally. Wow. Nice.

Okay. Really cool. You're going to fucking, yeah, you'll regret making fun of me when I'm a notary and I won't notarize anything. Actually, I can block some other notary from actually notarizing. I could be an anti notary. I'm allowed to say something's not actually notarized. Uh, without looking it up, says Joey Alvastad.

How are your Seattle Kraken doing? That's a question for you, right? I don't like the Kraken. Yeah. I like the Kraken. I like the name and the logo. I assume they're not doing well cause expansion team. So usually those don't do well and looking up the record.

Yes. They are indeed last in their, uh, conference. So, all right. They're doing bad doing bad doing bad. The vest teams right now, it looked like the Carolina Panthers and the Colorado Avalanche. So there you have it. Of course.

Of course. Those are some really good hockey teams. Are you still watching Euro football? Dude. Yes. I fucking, I, yeah, I love the EPL. I love, uh, the Spurs and we beat Man City on Sunday. No, Saturday.

Yeah. We beat Man City on Saturday. It was an incredible game. Wow. Are you watching those at home on a stream? How does it work? Um, yeah, I paid for all of the NBC shit. They're like, they're all over the place.

It's like some are on NBC, some are on cable, some are on Peacock. I think some of them are in USA now. It's all, it's all garbage, but I pay for everything cause I need to see every game. And do you watch it live? Is it like on at four AM or is it a manageable hour for you? Manageable hour for New York for the most part. The earliest they're ever on is like maybe six 30, seven 30, but like that game started at, uh, 12 30.

They're like, they're, yeah, um, 12 39 30. It's definitely earlier in LA. Uh, Mr. Frans writes, if Amir reads this, he gets the 30. I'm afraid that's not how it works or you can't just get, you get the 30. I get the golden bike. Actually fuck it. You, my friend, get the 30 and my mom gets the golden mic.

That's right. She deserves it. She was the best part of the podcast. You were the worst part of the podcast. You said, I get the 30. Fuck it. Actually, you get the 30. My mom gets to not fuck it actually.

Well, I said, you get the 30, I get the golden mic. Then I said, fuck it. And then I said, you get the 30. My mom gets the golden mic. So I did change. I flipped the script. You will remain with the 30, the award for shittiness in podcasting, um, for your interruptions and for reading that tweet, which kind of stated that you would

get the 30 if you read it, feels like you wanted it. You knew you deserved it. Probably for the interrupting, probably for the being me to me, probably for telling my mom to wrap it up when she was waxing about having children, helping somebody out and she gets the golden mic for answering in the middle of the day when she, you know, she probably had other shit to do, but she loves me and I love her and fucking the golden mic too, because we have a really strong bond. And that's pretty neat to have between a mother and a son.

Dab, yeah, we dabbed the ear, but almost fell out. But I guess it was worth it, right? Yeah, it was. Can't fight your meat is you can't see this. My ear holes are too large for earbuds. So I'm a little bit jealous for sure. Uh, all right. Thank you for your questions.

Thank you for your theme songs. Uh, if you got your own longer questions, as always, write them into if I were you show at gmail.com. Theme songs also sent to that same electro mail address. Correct. Uh, and you can watch more of our videos at patreon.com slash j a and you can watch these podcasts for absolutely free on YouTube. Damn right.

That opening theme song, much like the closing one, because it's the same song is, uh, by Tony Sarah Gosa from the band, the medium blue. Follow them on Instagram. You're trying to get to a K. You can do it. Uh, all right. Thank you guys for listening. We'll be back as always next week.

Ciao, everybody. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. If I were you, here's what I would do. Dump all my problems onto these dudes. Let them figure it out. They'll change your name for privacy's sake.

Your friends will know who you are anyway. Your story is so specific too. Yeah, it gets kind of wordly a mere will earn the 30. He always seems to put his foot in his mouth and Jake will take the golden mic. He always seems to get it right and speak words, both powerful and true. And so beautiful. If I were you.

If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. That was a hit gum original.