If I Were You - 53: Personality Test

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

In this episode we make taking tests for one another our whole personality.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. I've had a hard day. Now let's meet you two pathetic hoes. Sadness. Yeah. I've had a hard day. Why? Cause I've been, as you're aware, I can't record in the studio in New York, in Manhattan. Are you aware of the issue?

This ongoing glitch audit. I do keep on bringing it up and I feel like I'm being gaslit. Nobody really responds to it. But there is- Oh wait, sorry. I said, why do you think I care? Not like, why are you having a bad day?

No, I didn't even- I'm sorry. Yeah. I totally misled you. I don't wanna know. For me. I feel bad that you thought I was like- I thought you were being compassionate or something. No. God. No. I'm so- You don't wanna know. Like I feel bad that you thought I was like, interested.

I thought you were being compassionate or something. No. God, I'm so, it breaks my heart to see you try to explain it to me. Yeah. When I told you. Now your heart's not broken. I really don't care.

Your heart's not existing. I swear. I'm so empathetic, I can't even know. You're crying for the wrong reason. Because then it ruins my day. That you're not an empath. Anyway, continue. So what it's the net result has been,

because I've built a lot of my life around, you know, the Union Square area. So there are like appointments, there's the gym, you know, there's stuff that I do there. You like to be there, there. Yeah, and then ideally, you know, the perfect world is I go about my life in that area. But what's ended up happening, because I can't record,

I will go in, I'm basically nowhere for more than an hour. I was, I would, yeah. So you have to go there to do your other stuff, but then you can't stay there for the work stuff. You have to go somewhere else for the work stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So I was like in the office from like 10 to noon, because I want to see people, but then I have to record,

so I need to come back to Brooklyn. And that doesn't seem like it's the right move for us for owning a podcast network, right? You should be able to record where you pay to rent the recording space. Yeah, yeah, we invested a lot of time and money and effort into that space. And then you see other people recording there and you're like, am I taking crazy pills or like, what are they doing? Yeah, well, they have the full time, they've got the full time engineer who is, yeah, they are,

yeah, they are getting their levels adjusted on the fly. Someone's able to monitor their audio because this tech glitch interference will come in and out. So sort of do it as it comes in, but you don't have access to that. Cause I'll listen to the audio, I'll do an audio test and then I'll start recording

and I'll listen to the audio later. And it'll just be beep beep beep beep beep. And we had somebody come into the office and tell us that it's like radio interference or cell tower interference and then- Right, invisible danger. Yeah, so like we're on too high of a floor. So we're just getting all of this like interference

that we have no control over. It's floating through the ether and you don't know when and where it is. Yeah, so then just you know zooming really far in on my own personal plight because I'm constantly moving I find it very hard to eat. So just yeah. Oh because like when do you even take an hour to sit down and have food? Yeah I'm here then I have to get here Yeah, exactly. So then like I got a wrap earlier, but then I got to the office, I had to record.

I went to eat the wrap and the dressing had soaked through. It's wet. It was so wet. A wrap has a very short shelf life. Yeah. And even when it's dry, it spills everywhere. It's almost unable to be eaten well. It was desperately sad.

The worst way to eat a wrap is- Chicken salad. Yes, it was a build your own wrap. It was like, yeah, the spring, the arugula, the baby spinach. And then it just sort of spills out and you have to lift it up with a wet tortilla. Yeah.

And then you're like- The cold wet tortilla. I'm trying to keep it together, the wet tortilla. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're like, I'm trying to keep it together, but then you're almost like, no. Ethiopian food, right. Not gonna keep it together. Sort of assembling mini sandwiches. Right. I just spread out the paper below me.

And I was like, I'm just gonna put my face as close to the food as possible and kind of suck it up like a soup. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like a ranch soup. A chicken ranch soup. It's 4.15 and that's kind of suck it up like a soup. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like a ranch soup. A chicken ranch soup. It's 4.15 and that's kind of lunch.

So what am I thinking I'm gonna do for dinner? I just don't really. Dinner happens early when you have a kid, right? Like a lot of people I know with kids, they're like they'll have dinner. Dinner is in an hour. And it's, yeah. And they'll be finishing up dinner and it's 5.45.

Yeah. And then you're like, yeah, cause I gotta do the bedtime routine. Yes, then it's the whole bedtime routine. What happens at seven or eight, you had a wrap at 4.15 and then you had an apricot at 5.30, you're sort of shit out of luck. That's when you have the big bowl of ice cream

for kind of like a large dessert that'll make you feel bad about yourself when you go to bed. That's the ideal. Okay, but this segment that you wanted to start with has nothing to do with anything. No, I just wanted to complain because I was thinking I was like thinking about this, the rap experience that I had.

It really is, it's mostly two things because I wouldn't complain about dinner or bath time or anything like that. Really the, it's the audio issue and the rap issue. Lack of lunch time. Yeah. It's the raps and the glitch.

But anyway, what I have for us is, we should say this is segments, a segmented podcast starring us. And this is the beginning of year two for us. Last week was the 52 segment spectacular, the Segmania. The reviews were in, they said they loved it, but they're happy it wasn't every week. Yeah.

It was a nice year end spectacular. Right, so maybe it's just something we do annually. Correct, yeah, I think that's the best of both worlds maybe. That makes sense. So for this segment, this is a personality quiz that we've actually done as part of like a head-gum bonding thing before, but it was a retreat that you weren't on.

The Nashville one. Yeah, the Nashville one. So I wanted us to do it together. And actually, I thought it would be interesting if we took it for each other. So I take yours, you take mine. Right, exactly. At the same time?

Yeah, we'll answer both of these questions together. Me for you, you for me. We can discuss it if we want. The thing that I like about this test is it's not multiple choice, it's a spectrum. So like, it's going to give you two kind of like opposite things. Yeah. And you are going to drag this slider to more towards which one you think you are. So the first question is nerd jock drag that

slider right now the sliders in the 50 50 and I think for you you are you're mostly nerd but some of your nerddom goes into sports which is why I think I'm gonna put you at like 75% nerd 25% jock 75% nerd 25% jock yeah interesting you're sort of the equal but opposite version of that. Like you're have a Dungeons and Dragons side of you, which makes you a nerd and you like some sports, but not as much as I do. But you don't appear to be nerdy.

Right. You don't have like glasses and like suspenders and like. Yeah, I don't have a pocket protector. Protector, yeah. But I don't know, that's tough. It's almost, I was gonna say 50-50 for both of us. Like we're both sort of equal parts nerds and jocks. Interesting.

I think you're like, very fit. And I'm more deceptively athletic. Like if you look at me, you wouldn't think I'm good at any sports, but I'm like decent at some of them. Right, and if you look at me, you think I'm good at some sports, but I'm actually bad at all of them. Right, which is why I think we're sort of more 50-50 than you think, because I know really big nerds

and really big jocks and we're just not there yet. Interesting, so you think truly 50-50? I don't think I'm 50% nerd. I just don't, I don't see it. Well, you love Lord of the Rings. Yeah, but not with 50% of my being. But you paint D&D miniatures. Yeah.

How low of a nerd do you wanna go? I mean, I think I'm 25. I think that's a quarter of me. I do think that's a quarter. If you paint miniatures, it seems like the minimum is- There's 36 questions, okay? So let's just fucking settle on this. You're answering for me.

I have no control. You can put 50-50. Go ahead. Go right ahead. What? Did you send me a link or am I just going to make that? I sent you the link. Where?

To your text messages. To your text messages. And it does say it's delivered. And it says delivered quietly because it looks like you turned your notifications off. That's right. It was too quiet for you. Actually mine is not nerd jock. I think it's a it's a random order. Oh interesting. Alright so I'm giving you what I initially said 75 25. What's yours? What's your question for me? Uh-oh it's a word I don't know which makes me less of a nerd I think.

Arcane versus mainstream. Oh, arcane. I mean, I guess what's the opposite. I would assume it's the opposite of mainstream, like niche, esoteric. Okay, mysterious or secret. Yeah. I would think you're more mainstream.

Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, pretty out there, pretty basic. Your tastes are pretty normal. Yeah. So what's the, what are you gonna drag? I mean you had a fucking rap. Yeah, chicken rap. You know what I mean?

But I put vinegar on it, that's kind of interesting. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that actually. So give me a point in that arcane category. I'll give you 75% mainstream, because again, you do have a secret family that nobody knows about.

Right. Okay. Yours is your next question. Sarcastic or genuine? I think I'm gonna put you at 100% sarcastic. It's rare. Oh, that's a really good answer. Nice. Yeah. Thank you. I guess I saw you be genuine at your wedding.

So I'll do 2% genuine, 98% sarcastic. Thank you. I'm low fat milk in terms of genuineness. Yeah, what's your question for me? Fresh versus stinky. Nice. I feel like in the past, you used to be pretty stinky. Like you used to not prioritize showers.

You would work out and then just put on clothes and go back out like that. You would eat, drink five hour energy for dinner, not necessarily prioritize hygiene. I was the man. I think in the last like five years, you've sort of leaned into the routine. You got the water pick. You like to shower.

Now you have a skincare routine. I think with aging and fatherhood, you've sort of slowed your role. And you've always been pretty like anti-mess, which is hygienic in a way. Like you don't necessarily, like you'll wipe down, you brush your teeth and there's water everywhere. You're wiping, you're drying that off after every use, right?

For sure, yeah. For sure. For sure, for sure. So I gotta go. 80% fresh at this point. I appreciate that. Minimal stink. Your question number three is frugal versus lavish.

It's lavish, bitch. It's lavish. What was that, was that Instagram or Tumblr? It was like an Instagram kid that? Was that an Instagram or a Tumblr? It was like an Instagram kid that had a lot of cash. Yeah. Okay, I think you're almost entirely frugal. I would say you're like 85% frugal. Yeah, I'm very unlavish in my lifestyle.

I like to be comfortable more than anything. You just got a new backpack after 15 years. Exactly. Yeah. I'll drive a Mazda till I diced up. Right, you just got a new backpack after 15 years. Exactly. Yeah. I'll drive a Mazda till I diced up. Right, I might move it to 90% frugal. Thank you. Yeah, I'm gonna move it to 90% frugal.

Use this slider to indicate where you fall on this spectrum. High tech versus low tech for you. I think you're pretty high tech. You are always wanting the new phone if you don't have it. You like the projector. You're always doing research as to the best, thinnest, newest technologies. You're not necessarily a hacker.

You're not building a computer. So you're not going so into tweets. I'm not smart about tech, but I guess I like gear. Yeah, but you do. Yeah, you like gear. I'll do 80, 20, high tech. Wow, all right. Yours is dunce genius.

I feel like you're really in between because you're really smart at math, but like you barely know how your laundry works. Yeah, I know how it works. Yeah. You put water on it. I think, I guess you're pretty smart. I'll give you.

I guess you're pretty smart. I think there's a- I guess I'm really smart. There's a lot of stuff. I guess you're pretty smart. I'll give you. I guess you're pretty smart. I think there's. I guess I'm really smart. There's a lot of stuff. I guess I'm really smart. There's like basic shit that you don't know, but maybe that's more like book smart, street smart. So I'll. Yeah, it is more book smart.

And you did pretty well on your SATs. I'll put you at 75%. I did very well. I get you have to relax. I'm putting you at 75% genius. 75% genius, that's pretty good. And when I get to yours, I'm putting 100% dumb ass for answering that correctly. We'll see if you have the same question. genius, that's pretty good. And when I get to yours, I'm putting 100% dumb ass

for answering that correctly. Well see if you have the same question, you might not even. I think it's the same one in the wrong order, which makes me smart and you stupid, so then we can continue on. All right. Now, as to where I was, loyal versus traitorous for you.

Interesting. Loyal versus traitorous. You know where I am. I feel like you're, yeah, again, you used to be traitorous, but now you're more loyal. You like your family a lot. You're, you know, texting, calling. You're in constant communication.

You travel with your family still as an adult. That's still loyal. You got the same friends that you used to. Almost to a fault. Right. Who's your newest friend? Me? Yeah.

You're not my friend. I'll go 80, really? I'll go 85% loyal. Thanks man. These hoes ain't traitor. Formal versus intimate. I guess that- Those don't seem like opposites to me.

Well, formal is like, you know, like, hello, how are you? You are, you're kind of almost like a loop, intimate. I don't think you're very intimate at all. You don't let people in to that inner circle. Intimate. Yeah. I don't think I'm intimate or formal. I think you're, you are more formal.

You're guarded, you're guarded. Yeah. So I'm gonna put you at, but you know, you are, I think you're also approachable. Do 69. Literally I just landed on 69, so I will do it. That's funny. Thank you.

Another two words that I don't understand how they're opposite for you, haunted or blissful. Haunted or blissful. I think that means like you go through life joyously ignorant like you're just like a happy-go-lucky cool dude or haunted more cynical, naive, angry sort of like, whoa is me style. Right.

And as you describe the rap incident, I fear I'm going to have to go. I'm not haunted. Happy Halloween. I'll never think of it again. 80% haunted. That's so fucking wrong. Haunted.

And you know what, I'll never forget this. Haunted. Again, you used to be more blissful, didn't we all? You think 80% haunted? That's really painful for me to hear. Yeah, you know too much, you know too much. I disagree. You're knowledgeable and that makes you cynical,

angry, and yes. Absolutely disagree. Boo! Haunted. That's so fucking wrong. and that makes you cynical, angry, and yes, boo, haunted. That's so fucking wrong. Okay, yours is artistic versus scientific. I think you're literally 50-50, because you love stats and numbers and data, but you're also, you know, you're into the comedy

and the arts and your artistic expression. It's literally 50-50. Next question. I'll give that to you. Six of 36 here. This is gonna take a while. Use the slider to indicate, is Jake more obedient or rebellious?

Obedient and loyal were sort of overlapping. Like, again, you used to be more rebellious. You would skip school. You would do drugs. Dare I say you would deal drugs in high school. That's pretty rebellious. I was rebelling to be sure. Yeah, but now, you know, at age 39, eight, whatever,

eight or nine. 39. 39, I feel like your rebellious days are behind you. Now you're just haunted and obedient. Don't think I'm that obedient. Boo! Yeah, you're like, you have a fucking routine. You gotta be here at this time, home at this time.

You're rarely like, yeah, I blew it off. I went to the bar with my friends, sorry. I couldn't make it home. But I still don't like to be told what to do. Like I wouldn't. Yes, but you do it. Yes, you're right. You little bitch.

You're right, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 75% obedience. I disagree. You're ruining this for me. You are orderly versus chaotic. I know you're better than you know yourself. I think this is one also might be another kind of, you don't use, you present like you have things in order but like when I see the way you've like packed or something I'm like oh my god your stuff is everywhere, you didn't bring enough socks, your phone is dead. I do feel you're often kind of winging it.

So I'm gonna give you- I present to organize. I'm gonna go 60% chaotic. All right, I'll allow that. That's kind of fun. Juvenile versus mature. I mean, it feels like everything, you used to be one thing and now you're the other.

You used to be juvenile. You used to be fly by the seat of your pants, don't know spending too much money, going out too much. Yeah. And now you're just fucking at home, watching a Netflix rom-com with headphones on so that you don't wake the baby.

Still thinking about my rap, unable to let it go. Ha ha ha, haunted as fuck, but mature to a fault. 85% mature. Yeah, you gotta can't be less than that if you're a dad, I don't think. Deranged- You can, you can just be sort of all over the place. Deranged versus reasonable.

Picking up the slack. Deranged and reasonable? I think you're 80% reasonable. Thank you, I needed to hear that. Maybe even 85% reasonable. You're not very deranged at all. No, yeah, I'm not. But sometimes you're so reasonable that it is deranged.

Oh, interesting. So even if at 100, you would have to be knocked down to 10. Right. That's a deranged revolution. Like somebody punches you in the teeth on the street. You're like, I don't know. He had a point. Like, what was he thinking? That's true. Yeah. Yeah. I always sort of try to give people,

especially strangers, the benefit of the doubt. Masculine or feminine for you? You fucking know which way to put it, dude. Yeah. Let's go 100%. Hey. You do like poetry. 100% masculine, dude.

I'll do 90%. That's cool. Just because you like poetry. Yeah. And rom-coms and your mommy. I do love my mom. Okay, now we're- Which is pretty feminine.

Now we're catching up here. Obedient and rebellious, this is for you. I think you're so damn obedient. You're 95% obedient. Wow. Yeah. Wild or tame for you. I mean, these are all sort of overlapping the same thing.

You used to be a crazy impulsive. But I still have a wild side. Fly by the severe plants guy. I'm surfing. I'm rock climbing two weeks ago. A few weeks ago that was a little extreme. Premeditated. Premeditated, but it's risk taking.

I have it all planned out. I have a wild side. Do you have a Google calendar that says go rock climbing? No, I didn't. Well, I did have, yes, technically. Technically. Just to make sure it's shared with Jill. Yeah.

You know it's shared with Jill. Do you share your location with her? Of course, of course. That's absolutely an un-wild, tame behavior. I'm giving you 75% tame. That's fair. Haunted versus blissful. I think you're-

That's what I had. Yeah, I think you're pretty blissful. You don't let a lot of negativity in, but I'm not gonna give you full bliss because I don't think you let a lot of emotion in in general. So you're not gonna ever be 100% bliss. You're 69% blissful. That's funny.

Yeah, I would say I'm haunted, but I'm sort of nihilistic about it. Like, well, whatever. Like, it doesn't matter even though we're all gonna die. So it's like, I'm not necessarily like, everything is going well, but at the same time, I'm not letting it affect me. Alpha versus beta for you.

What do you think that means? Like how much of a leader versus a follower you are? Yeah. Ooh, this one's tough too. Alpha V beta. It really depends on the context. Like in some situations, you're the leader, in some situations, you're the follower,

which is necessary. Nobody wants somebody who's like, I'm trying to be in charge all the time. I'll go 60% alpha. Yeah, that feels right. Maybe 65. Very cool. Fresh versus stinky.

You do have stories about how you've like shitted in Airbnb beds and thrown up in their house plants. Accidentally. Accidentally. You'll often pass gas in an opportune times because you'd rather your. How far? Yeah, everybody else.

Instead of trying to get the stinky out of you. Right, exactly. And become fresher in the day. I think. Undefresher. You're 68%, you're 70% stinky. Thank you. Deep versus shallow for you.

Wow, this one's also tough. Cause like there is some depth to you, but the end of the day you do just like getting drunk and eating a cheeseburger, watching a Marvel movie and sort of- That's old me. That was wild me. That was untamed, unhaunted, all bliss me.

Yeah. How deep can you be while still loving porn? You know what I mean? Like you have a lot of basic, basic needs slash desires. Basic alpha needs. Yeah. I don't know, I feel like I should leave it in the middle because every time I move it from one side to another, I'm like, that doesn't feel true.

So I'll go exactly 50% between deep and shallow. Fair enough. Blue collar versus ivory tower. I feel like you've been judging me through this whole entire experience so far. Um, you're, but yeah, you're 80% ivory tower. You went to a very, very prestigious college. I went to a public university. That's there's nothing more blue collar than that.

All right. I'll put you at 75% then. Yes. All right. We got to take a break cause we're not going to finish this all. Maybe we'll answer some during the break. That's a good idea.

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All right, we're back. We got to go through these a little faster. Sarcastic and genuine for you, I'll put a little more genuine than sarcastic. 65 genuine, 35 sarcastic. Poisonous versus nurturing for you. You're kind of toxic, but you do love your dog. So you're nurturing to Luke and Avi Tall,

but not much else. So I'm gonna leave it at 50-50. Adventurous versus stick in the mud. This is when I'll give you some points for the rock climbing, for the surfing. It is all pre-planned, but at the same time, it's not easy to do these things and you still seek them out.

So I'll go 90% adventurous for you. Love that. Alpha versus beta, I'm gonna give you, I don't think you really like to lead. I don't think you like to lead. I'm gonna give you 65% beta. Wow, I would have gotten a lot higher beta for that. Thank you, I appreciate that.

Yeah, I would have gotten 90% for that. I was gonna go higher and I felt bad. Bossy versus meek. Since you were a little fucking meek bitch about that one. Wow, look at you being an alpha. Now it's time for the crows to come home to roost. I'll go 60% bossy, 40% meek. That's fair.

You still want to be polite, but you do maybe a little more because you're kind of, you are a little stubborn, obstinate. Right, that's true. So I'll go 70% bossy, 30% meek. Okay, you're, oh, same thing. Adventurous versus stick in the mud. You're kind of 75% stick in the mud, I think.

Yeah, I don't like to be uncomfortable. I'm usually like, you guys jump off that thing or swim to that rock and I'll see if it's easy and then I'll do it. But you won't stand in anyone's way, which is why I'm gonna give you 75% instead of any higher. Yeah, it's like when you're on a hike and somebody's like, oh, you can eat these berries.

I'm never gonna be like, let's all eat these berries. I'm gonna be like, you eat the berries and then if I want, I'll eat the berries, but I'm not gonna stop you from eating the berries. For sure. Are you more of an outlaw or a sheriff? Probably more of an outlaw, what did you say? I don't know, again, it's like a

use of the versus current. Yeah, but I'm not currently sheriffing anything. I don't really, I don't think I care. I guess I'm not either really. So you'd wanna leave it 50-50. Let's do 55% outlaw. A little more outlaw than sheriff. Creative versus conventional.

I think I might put you 65% creative because you are really creative, but we've taken a very conventional route now. We have steady podcasting jobs. Okay, spiritual for you versus skeptical. I mean, it's almost 100% skeptical with how, just like talking about religion and faith and God, but you do have some sort of sarcastic,

or not sarcastic, but superstitious tendencies, which is like a spirituality adjacent. And I do believe in like the universe and energy. And I believe in some like crunchy hippie stuff too. I just don't believe in God's spiritual. I'll go 85% skeptical for you, 15% for the other stuff. Okay, high tech versus low tech. I think you're incredibly high tech.

You're heavily invested in cryptocurrency. I am over invested. I am all into the point of high risk, low reward. You're obsessed with getting non diversified funds. The mesh network or whatever it was, the fast cable in your neighborhood. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, fiber, H and D fiber. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, use the slider to indicate strict versus lenient for you. Uh, I don't know. I guess as again, growing up, you were very not like you were the rebellious lenient sort of style. And I feel like as a parent, you'll be a little more lax when it comes to Jemma's like, if she's like, I wanna smoke pot in high school, you could be like,

I'm not gonna stop you from doing that. But maybe you'll be like, as long as you tell me about it. As long as we're smoking together. Yeah. Yeah. Not me. So I'll go 70% lenient. Thank you.

Outlaw versus sheriff, you're, I, yeah, I think you're, I like me, you're neither of these things. I'm just gonna leave it. Blank. I'll put you at 56% sheriff because you do kind of like to point things out when they're wrong.

I'm a whistleblower. Yeah. I'm a snake. You're a tattletale. I'll blow up a fucking beach ball at a baseball game. Exactly. Social versus reclusive for you. See, this one is tough. This one is tough.

It is. Because you present as social. Yeah. But at the same time, you're not like geeked out if I invite you to like a game night. You're like, no, I wanna just stay at home, not have a beer, but maybe a non-alcoholic beer, and watch a soccer game.

You prefer that to a dinner party. I'm a low-key homebody. But I'm, yeah. Yeah, but you do like being social too. So I'll go 45% reclusive, but still social up to 55%. Okay. Wild versus tame. I think you are 85% tame. No further discussion is needed.

Angel versus demonic for you. Inside us are two things. Are you more of an angel or a demon? Gosh. Again, used to be more demon, now you're more angel. So I'll keep it at 50-50 now. Thank you. For your current personality.

Yeah, that's a lot of progress for me. I was 100% demon for a long time. That's right. Slavinly versus stylish. Versus Slavic-ly. Would you say I'm more dirty or from Slovenia? You used to be more stylish. I feel like you used to be,

used to have like crisper clothes. Maybe when you were living with Marty. Or like cooler haircuts, more fashionable shoes. You've let that go a little bit. I think you're, but I don't think you're Slavonly. You're just more relaxed. I'm more forward on comfort than style, which is sort of what has to happen as you grow old.

Yeah, so I'll put you at 60% slovenly. Okay. Deranged versus reasonable. That sounds pretty good. You're kind of deranged. That's fair. I'd say you're still kind of deranged. Yeah.

Even in your reasonableness, it's a little deranged. So I'll go 65 of deranged. I'd say you're still kind of deranged. Even in your reasonableness, it's a little deranged. So I'll go 65% deranged. Cool, creepy versus disarming. I think. Who me? Why I'm not creepy at all. I don't think you're creepy, but I don't think you're disarming at all.

You put people on edge. So I'm gonna put you- I'm standoffish. Yeah, I'm gonna put you at 60're creepy, but I don't think you're disarming at all. You put people on edge. So I'm gonna put you. I'm standoffish. Yeah, I'm gonna put you at 60% creepy, just because I can't put you at any more, you're not more disarming than creepy. I'm pretty disarming. I'm very innocuous.

You talk to strangers. They're very non-threatened by me. Right, no, I feel like I often hear from people who are like, oh, Amir doesn't like me. I don't think Amir likes me. Not like, but definitely, I don't turn people off. Yeah, but you give it and you give, look, I already made the answer.

I locked it in. Emotional versus logical for you. I would say you're more emotional than logical. For sure. About 80, 20. Yeah, that ties into that deranged thing. Oh, I got the same question for you. Emotional versus logical.

You are 95% logical, maybe even more. Interesting. The only thing that gives me- That's why we get along, the yin and the yang. Yeah, exactly. Creative versus conventional? Yeah, right in the middle. I'll go a little more creative as a comedian.

So I'll go 60% creative, 40% conventional. Bossy versus meek? I think you're 90% meek, but 10% of the time you feel like a big man when you boss Avi Tall around, don't you? I would never. Slavinly versus stylish. You're not slavinly, you're like very specific

about the clothes you wear and how they fit. You try stuff on, you return stuff. You're on the blogs that are like, what's the stylish form of X, Y, Z? Let me get this shirt. Does this fit me? I don't know. This doesn't feel right.

Maybe I'll return it. What do you think of this sweater? Yeah, I can wear this sweater. But then explain how I look bad all the time. Well, how do you fucking compromise? I think it's because of the commuting. I really think it's the wrap. It got all over my fucking hunter fleece jacket

that I bought off Mr. Porter. I have to return it. For $4,000 from Zania. I'll go 80% stylish. Thank you. 20% slovenly. Okay, what do we got? Social versus reclusive. I think you seem reclusive,

but you actually go out more than I do. Avital drags you out. So you are a little bit social and you like watching sports with people. We're kind of the opposite. I present reclusive and I am social and you present social, but you're reclusive. Yeah, that's really interesting.

You're 65% social, I think, because you present social but you're reclusive. Yeah, that's really interesting. You're 65% social I think, because you still do like doing nothing. Ivory tower versus blue collar. This one's kind of hard for me. Because like you do like to, you know, like you had a truck, which is pretty blue collar, but then you traded in the truck and now you don't have the truck anymore.

You like renting nice cars. Like, you know, it's kind of like the stylish thing. You'd like to have the truck anymore. You like renting nice cars. It's kind of like the stylish thing. You'd like to have the top of the line XYZ, which is a little ivory tower adjacent. That's fair. I'll go 65 ivory tower to 35% blue collar. Yeah, that seems right. Juvenile versus mature, you're pretty juvenile, I think.

Because I'll make jokes about anal sex. Yeah. Yeah. But you do have a house, so I have to admit that you're 40% mature. Oh, interesting. Okay, cool. Formal versus intimate.

Again, I don't really understand the opposite attract version of this. I'll say you're more intimate. That's true. You like to get to know people. Yeah. 70% intimate. Right, very disarming actually. Strict versus lenient, I think you're incredibly lenient.

But- Thank you. You do like to call out when people are wrong about stuff, you love and I told you so. So I'll say you're nine, that's 10% strict because you actually secretly hold people to a high standard that you don't really judge you I mean you you don't punish them for but you like to deride them on if that makes sense Feisty versus gracious

You are I don't understand why feisty and gracious are two different things like yeah, you don't have any graciousness You're feisty and if you're feisty you have no gratitude. I don't understand this one., you're feisty. And if you're feisty, you have no gratitude. I don't understand this one, I'll just leave it in the middle. Yeah, that's probably fair. I think I'm actually both, but probably more gracious. Selfish versus altruistic. I don't think you're selfish at all. But I wouldn't say you're altruistic.

You are. I'm not out there volunteering. Yeah, you, because I do think you're a nihilist. I think you don't care that much about anything. So I'm just going to have to say 75% altruistic. Well, thank you. Disarming versus creepy, you're more disarming. Nobody's really creeped out by you,

but like, you know, you, you know, you almost like, you wouldn't even return stuff at a restaurant if they gave you the wrong item style. Yeah, right, right, right. You're like, I don't wanna cut my office and push you or meet you, you're creepy. For sure, for sure. It's all about 82% disarming.

All right, we've got seven questions left. Let's hammer them home. Arcane versus mainstream. I think you're very mainstream. I'll say 90% mainstream. Sports versus altruistic. I'll give you 70% altruistic. You're not very selfish.

Thank you. Indulgent versus sober. Um, oh, that's, I just got this one for you. I think you're not, I think you're, I think you, I would almost say 50-50 because I don't think you're like sober like you, like you don't give yourself anything that you need but you're also aren't, you don't overdo it. You're truly 50-50. Yeah I guess you're more indulgent than sober even though you literally don't drink alcohol anymore but you don't necessarily cut yourself off from life's pleasures.

So I'll go 70% indulgent. Feisty versus gracious. I think I'll do the exact same thing 50-50 for you because it does not make that much sense and it's basically- Awkward, me, charming. You're much more charming than awkward. Thank you. Again, almost to your own detriment.

Will not return a cold hamburger at a diner. I think it's the greatest hamburger I've ever got. 95% charming, 5% awkward. I love that. Spiritual versus skeptical. I think you're 95% skeptical. Honestly, 98% skeptical. Yeah, you gotta live that 2% skin though.

That low skin though. That low fat though. Genius V dunce. This one's tough. This one's big. You think I'm smart or not really? Well, you called me kind of a dunce. Wasn't that the one that I was a little bit offended by?

Or is that something else? That was book smart, wrist street smart. I would say you're more street smart than book smart. I think this is more an academic question. So I'll go 60% dunce, 40% genius. You could have gone higher, I wouldn't have been offended. Yeah, you used to be more, but you're getting more genius. Thank you.

Angelic versus demonic, I think there's no, you're not very demonic, but you're not really angelic. So I have to, you can't be more than- I do have the gambling in me. I do like gambling, which is a vice. So 70% angelic, you're mostly good, but you have a vice. Okay. Poisonous versus nurturing.

Again, this is just, we're going back to what you used to be V what you are now. I can only judge you by the man you've become. Thank you. Which is more nurturing than poisonous. Again. But I have a wild side. Yeah, so I'll go 70, 30 in nurturing versus poisonous.

Masculine versus feminine, you're not very feminine. I'll say you're 70% masculine. 70? I'll say you're 60% masculine. That's funny. 60. 60? Really? Keep on talking and it's gonna get lower.

Because I wear panties sometimes. 70% masculine. I'm 40% feminine, yeah. Frugal v. Lavish. This one I gotta go more lavish than frugal. That's fair. You don't mind breaking the bank for some comfort, but at the same time I have seen you

write into customer support demanding a refund. Which is Google Adjacent's behavior. Yeah, I can be, I'm conflict presenting if I'm behind a screen. On email. So I'll go lavish, 80 to be frugal. Loyal versus traitorous, you are incredibly loyal. I have to admit it.

98% loyal. Yeah. I'll go nerd jock on this one. I wanted us to be 50-50 together. I think he put me at a little bit higher of a nerd. Yeah. So I'll go a little bit higher of a jock for you, 60-40 jock. All right, this is the last question.

Charming versus awkward. I think you're, you have a lot of confidence. So even though some people might think you would be awkward, you're actually not very awkward. You're 75% charming. All right. Artistic, scientific for you. Probably more artistic than scientific.

65% to 35. And lastly, orderly versus chaotic. This one's tough. Because you do say you don't have a home base right now, you're constantly running around. And your schedule is kind of all over the place, but pretty regimented. Let's go right in the middle.

50-50, orderly, chaotic. Yeah, that actually, goddamn. That unfortunately sounds really right. Yeah, but I don't wanna in the middle. 50-50 orderly chaotic. Yeah, that actually, God damn. That unfortunately sounds really right. Yeah, but I don't wanna be the chaotic. But you wanna be more orderly. Yeah, I would love that. Okay, let's take a break and when we come back, we'll reveal the results.

Holy shit. I'm scared. Are you more scared or confident? 70% scared. Yeah. Think you'd do better help for sponsoring this episode of our show. That is correct. Ah, if only life came with an instruction manual.

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Thanks BetterHelp. Thank you. All right, we're back. We went from 50 segments last week to one really long one this week. This is part three of our personality survey. Yeah, and we rushed through it. We really could have gotten deep on all of these,

but we are gonna get the results now and they are gonna be very satisfying. So here. Okay, you wanna go first or should I? You can go first. Okay, I'll say get my results, which is basically the results for you. The best match between self-assessment you've provided

and the profile of a fictional character is rated. Your character is, drum roll please. This is good, because you've actually seen Game of Thrones. Jamie Lannister. Wow. Wow. Yeah, I haven't seen Game of Thrones, which honestly means you're more of a nerd

and less of a jock, we should go back and change those answers, but what does Jamie Lannister mean? That's actually incredibly accurate because at the start of the show, he's kind of like an evil dipshit guy. He is having sex with his sister, which is not relevant to me at all. And you've only hooked up, right? You're not even sexed at all.

Relaxed. But he has an arc where he kind of becomes like a heroic, he has a redemption arc. He pushes a kid out the window in the first episode, but by the end he's kind of a reformed, he's basically a reformed fuck boy, except the person he's hooking up with is his sister. Can't stress that enough. Yeah.

And you do kind of look like J.B. Lannister. Thank you, that means a lot to me. For you, the best match between the self-assessment you provide and the profile of a fictional character is rated by other people who have taken this survey is the character Leonard Hofstadter. Do you know who that is? Who?

It's- Leonard Hofstadter? Yeah, Leonard Hofstadter. He is from the Big Bang Theory. Of course. Not Sheldon. The guy with glasses. Yes, exactly.

Oh, but this is actually interesting. I changed the algorithm. Instead of Pearson correlation, it's the mean difference. I don't know what that means, but. That means to make him Jewish. Yeah, and with that, you get a different answer, which I think is pretty accurate. Your 81% match for Chandler Bing.

Okay, now we're talking, baby. Give me Chandler Bing. Yes. Sarcastic, funny, kind of charming, but a little bit awkward. Played by the late, great Matthew Perry, we should say. Yeah. So, that's actually a really good one. Although I find myself in my old age rooting for Ross more than Chandler.

As a teenager watching friends, I was definitely Chandler inspired slash coded. And yes, he had a job that nobody knew about that. They couldn't understand what he did, but he was somewhat successful in that job. He was, you know, he ended up with Monica, which is pretty good lady partner wise. Yeah, that's true. And he was a handsome guy at the end of the day. So I'm not too mad about Chandler.

I changed yours to mean difference and it stayed as Jamie Lannister. Interesting. So you are just Lannister through and through. Top to bottom. You could also change the universe. Which is funny, because isn't it like a Lannister never like doesn't pay their debt or something?

Oh yeah, no, a Lannister always pays their debts. Right, but you owe me $21,000. Do I then? Yeah, we didn't really get to that, but you're kind of eschew showing your debt. I wonder if that changes anything. Right. Lannister wise for you. Now I think there's, I'm taking this weird survey that I think if I take, I'm able to unlock more answers for you. So-

More answers or more characters that I could be like? More characters that you could be like. So with that, oh, did I, no. Oh yeah, here we go. You're complete- I'm now Barney, the dinosaur from Barney. If I just took that one little quiz, you are number one, Chandler Bing.

Number two, again, Leonard Hostetter. Number three, Artie Abrams from Glee. Number four, Dr. Chan K. Fang from Space Force. Five, Jimmy Price from Hannibal. I don't know any of these people. I don't know any of these people either. Oh, Jim Halpert? 79% Jim Halpert from Hannibal. I don't know any of these people. I don't know any of these people either. Oh, Jim Halpert, 79% Jim Halpert from The Office. Oh, that's pretty good.

Yeah, that's really nice. 79% Eric Foreman from That 70s Show. Oh, that's also a good one. Yeah. Which would really just give it to me in sitcoms. Otherwise I don't really know. 79% Eduardo Saverin from The Social Network. That's awesome.

I want Garfield's hair and accent in that movie. 79% Kumail Nanjiani from the big sick, just Kumail. Not even the character he played. Just the actor. Did he play himself? I didn't see the movie. He did, he played Kumail. Well, not like specifically Kumail,

but yeah, he played himself as a character. Very good. Yeah. Also actually, when I click all prestige TV, you're 79% Ken Cosgrove from Mad Men. That's cool. Is he the one that says, Olly Olly Oxenfree during the party,

and then somebody gets their foot run over with a lawnmower. Yes, I do believe so That is what I base my personality off. Yeah, let me hit all prestige TV for you You are not gonna believe it. It's Lannister. Well, yeah, I can't fucking shake Lannister I'll do all comedy cuz that'll that'll shake Lannister for you Okay, then you're down to Jules, AKA Emma Stone's character in Superbad. Okay, I don't know that one. Not really sure what or why for classic literature.

Jay Gatsby, that's pretty good. Oh, that's perfect, that's perfect. Yeah. I actually changed the universe to Beauty and the Beast and you're a 76% match for Maurice, which is Bell's dad. Fucking teacup. Actually, you're now a 90% match for Chip. The little fucking teacup twink that couldn't say anything.

Just followed his little mommy around. Will you do Beauty and the Beast for me? Let's just see what Beauty and the Beast characters we are and then we can call it an episode. You're Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Boo. Really? Let's see, Beauty and the Beast characters we are and then we can call it an episode. You're Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Boo. Really? Let's see, Beauty and the Beast. Why don't I see that as, oh, here we go.

You are Lumiere, the candelabra. So sexy. Three candles. All right, I think we learned a lot about each other. We certainly did. Let us know if you agreed with Jake's perception of me, or if you're more of a my perception of me. That's right.

Somebody who's outgoing and a lot jockier than this guy thinks I am. We should take it for ourselves and then compare the results, but we'll do that next week. We'll take the entire quiz again. No, we have to at least take one episode off in between or let's just take it for ourselves and we'll display with the results where we have better.

Okay, that's it. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Be sure to vote tomorrow if you haven't yet. And to watch more of us, you can go to patreon.com slash J.A. Exactly. And we're going to be in Chicago on November 14th. So you can go out and watch us IRL. Oh yeah.

Go to headgum.com slash live for tickets. See you in Chicago. See you guys soon. Bye everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original.