If I Were You - 53: Shot Through The Heart (with Ben Schwartz)

Episode Date: January 16, 2014

Our buddy Ben Schwartz returns for another episode of discussing, advising, and of course, singing.This episode is brought to you by NiceLaundry.com -- http://bit.ly/NLJakeAmir -- Awesome socks. Cheap prices. Free shipping. Highly recommended. Check'em out!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Look settle down kids and open up your ears like your headphones in it's time for Jake in the mirror And if you're talking podcasts, then we're talking top-tier and if you're gonna want it on I'm gonna tell you I'm not Yeah, I got chuckers to get keep sending emails in and get ready to be crowned by a couple of real friends It's a universal roast everybody's in on the joke and I'm gonna need you to cheer if you feel hashtag dope like Yeah Me just do you get it vice first kiss the mattress things like it and real I hop out of my tender matches Fiving in traffic of exercising to sit back relax cuz this is if I were you You, you, you.

OK. Yeah. That one felt right. Jake's high just from listening to that. Shit. That was great. Yeah, we're back with Ben. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast

on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And I'm Coolch-Fraalt. Coolch-Fraalt. Coolch-Fraalt. C-O-O-C-H-F-R-A-U-L-T. Can you at least let us know how that happens?

Like, what's going on in your brain when this isn't right? Do you want me to take you through it? Is it a noise? And then the opposite of that noise, that's what Coolch is. In my head, sometimes a name will pop into my head, or like a word, like bacon. But this one, I started with coo, and then I want to make it a name.

I want to turn that into a name. So when you go along, that's you thinking. That's like the roller-decks in your brain gun. And then I'm going through a lot of names. It's not just me trying to find one. No joke. I'm trying to find a good one. Coolch.

So what are the some ones that you're rejecting on a hyper-quick level? Cooper, Cooper. No joke. Cooper, Coop, Cool, Coos, Cooch. And the second I felt the NFL, that's a good way to start it. And then the last name, I started off with a couple letters,

and then tried to end it with the last name. So it happens while it's happening. Right, so this gift that you have of thinking while you're thinking. I don't know if it's a gift. It's a gift. It's a unique talent that you have. These names aren't real.

It's not like I'm saying real. Well, here's my question for you. Did it translate to school? Were you smart? When I was in high school? This is a good question. When I was in high school, I was never stupid or anything.

I was always very clever. I'm pretty intelligent, but I never tried in high school, and I found ways to get decent to very good grades by not trying very hard. Why? Why did I do it or why? Why did you not try if you were smart?

Well, it's not. Re-abored? I don't know what it was. Maybe it was. I didn't like the things I was learning and things I didn't care about. And also, it was public school. It was free.

What about your SATs? Did you do well on your SATs? 12-10. I did okay. I moved from Riverdale in the Bronx to Edmont in Westchester, which is a very suburban, very haughty-taughty place, and SAT scores were a big deal.

I don't know if that was the same thing with your guys' neighborhood, but it was an upper-middle class or middle-class neighborhood, and that neighborhood especially, people really cared and got tutors and whatever, so it was like a contest. I think more amongst the parents.

And I was like, what did your kid get? No joke. And then your parents were like, 12-10, but watch this, and then they'd bring you out as a 16-year-old and you'd go, Branch Dickens! I can't see.

If you made that Dickens, that would have been a perfect name. Branch Dickens! You're very close. I'm getting there. In college, when I went to college, and we were paying quite a bit for... I applied myself like crazy

and graduated cum laude and all that stuff. But in high school, I got very good grades as well. a B plus or whatever, but it was such a big, education was such a big thing, getting a grade, it was such a big deal in that neighborhood that getting a B plus wasn't even considered great. Yeah, that's considered bad. Yeah, it was considered, you know, I was okay.

Then in college, when I was getting B plus, I really worked my ass off in college and had a really good time. Because you get to take the subjects you like, you get to take courses you care about. Right, well I hated college, but I feel you. Yeah. So what is this?

This is an advice podcast. If you didn't listen to part one of this, it'll still make sense, don't worry. This is called, Make Sure You're Home, and the whole idea of the podcast is, Instagram your Questies and we'll give you some Ansies. Wow, that is accurate, yeah. Questies and Ansies, let's do it.

Questies and Ansies, first question I'll ask to Jake. That's how the show works. Wait, didn't you turn the last episode into a game of sorts. Oh, can I play a game this time? Yeah. Okay, ready? Yeah.

Let's play a game. Let's do it. I'm trying to think of making it a personal one. Oh, how about this, this is more fun for everybody. Do you know how like your porno name will be the first pet you ever had, and the street name, your first street name? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does everybody, let's go through those. Okay. What about you guys? Chico Willis? Actually, I was born on a street in Israel, my first department in Israel was Holland. Is that better, Chico Holland? Both of those are extraordinary.

Chico's ideal. Chico's fucking perfect. Mine's Bob Churchill. That's also good. It's like a praise game. Winston's brother. Yeah, Winston's brother. I had two white German shepherds,

two big white German shepherds. So mine would be either Dusty Fieldston. That's good. Or Precious Fieldston. Wow, Precious Fieldston's amazing. And then my other dog after that was Thunder. Oh, that's even better. Yeah.

Thunder, and then you were on Dick Road, right? I was on Thunder Dick Road. Yeah, Thunder Dick Road. It's insane. Well, actually, you don't need to say road, because you just say Thunder Dick. Do you guys talk about porno when you're on here? Sometimes porno comes up.

Porno comes up. Jake's sort of an expert in it, so he fields the porno questions. Really? What's your site? Oh, my god. Come on, there's only a 45-minute podcast. Well, no, you go to one, I'm sure.

No, no, no, I go to a lot. You don't have a favorite? Well, they're always changing. So right now, fuck.com, fuq.com is a pretty great search site. Playvid.com is really great. Playvid.com, which is also good, because if it comes up in your search history, it doesn't even look like you're watching porn.

Playvid. Yeah. Well, unless you're doing playvid.com slash public agent, check guy fucks woman in a street corner. But yeah, .htm. Do you ever pay for that stuff or no? Always do so. There was a site that I paid for.

I mean, when I was in high school, I realized that I was really big into the Bang Bros. websites. I remember you telling me, as adults, how much you were into the Bang Bros. Yeah, to this day, I still was. There was an episode of Jake and Mary made me wear a Bang Bros. t-shirt. You wanted to wear that.

That's true. You're right. I saw it. I asked. Yes. Because it was perfect for your douchebag character. That's true. You're correct.

I agree. But yeah, I was so attracted. I like to get porn crushes. I'm not like a regular person that likes actual people. I like porn stars. So when I'm watching. So many porn stars are listening to this podcast. Yeah.

What do you do? Do you just direct message them? If there are any actual people, I like actual people. If any actual people are listening to this. Avoid me at all costs. So I was so attracted to these women that I found on Bang Bros. that I eventually couldn't take it anymore.

I stole my dad's credit card. I couldn't take it. I was over come with cum lust. I couldn't fucking handle it. This is when I was in high school in 2002. So I couldn't handle the 25-second clips. I wanted the whole fucking video. So I stole my dad's credit card.

I went through and I downloaded every single movie I could to my desktop. Put it on an external hard drive. I still have them. Thank you, dad. Thanks for your credit card, daddy. My mom listens to the podcast. I apologize.

I didn't warn you I was going to talk about. How do you not see the charge on the credit card? He absolutely did. What was your gig? He called me and said, well, they disguise it. And he said, Jake, what's C bill? And I said, I don't know. I have no idea what that is.

And he was like, well, I called. Oh, no. And they apparently they have a bunch of websites that they mask or what are they? It's one of them is bangbros.com. I was like, I don't know. I have no idea. So he canceled it.

But it was true that you already downloaded them all to your hard drive. But a couple months later, there were at least new videos every week. I stole his credit card again. Knowing full well, I was going to get caught for the exact same crime. But it was just like it was worth it to me.

I didn't even care. That's funny. That's great. Isn't it funny how little mean you have in common with Jake, but then we have the same sense of humor? Like, how does that line up? This is what I think.

I've spent a lot of time talking to Jake about stuff like this, about females, about the different ways he views them and how I view them. But I think deep down, he does care about it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. I love Ben so much for that, man. Thank you.

I need that shit. Deep down, it's more of the same. I'm afraid it's the porno-loving lust that I have been disappointed in in the past. I have been disappointed in choices he's made. But I used to take hikes, and I would get a porno-loving scolded for not wearing condoms. What?

I think that's so stupid. I know. I think I wear a condom with a random girl you meet. Because it feels better? It's the same thing as the credit card. It's like, who cares about what's going to happen in three weeks? And a month is going to find out, just like with a credit card. A month doesn't exist.

That's the problem. He lives his life on a cliff. But there's a fundamental problem with me that I don't think about or care about consequences. I think about them. I knew I was going to get caught, but I was like, oh, it'll be fine. Have you ever got a sexual transmitted disease that

would slap you in a way that would make you wear a condom? Never. See, that's terrible. And I deserve one. Have you ever gotten someone pregnant? Yes. See? Yeah, that was.

And that wasn't enough for you to stop? Well, no, it was terrible. It was awful. It was the worst thing in the world. It was fucking terrifying. I've never talked about this on the podcast. Will your mom listen to Should We Not? No, because I mean, I told her.

But it's not enough for you to change. That's not enough. That was a pretty close call. Yeah. But that's a fucking crazy thing. It should have been enough for me to change. And it's not. And I do the same shit.

Do you think you'll ever change? You know what? I haven't come inside anybody since that happened. But that's just a coincidence. What do you mean it's a coincidence? Because the situation hasn't come up. If somebody wanted to fuck you without a condom, you would say fine.

People want to fuck me without a condom all the time. Oh, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. Have you not because? Jake is pointing to his dick right now. My dick is out of trying to fuck him here. He's trying to fuck everybody without a condom. No, I'm sorry. I'm just defending myself because I'm

defending the person that I want to be and not the person I actually am. I don't know. Can I make this statement then? Can I make this statement from myself? And I'm assuming Amir as well that you should absolutely wear a condom for so many reasons. I mean, he agrees, but he won't do it.

I agree. Everybody listening out there, wear condoms. They're good. They're necessary. Do as I do, not as I say. No, do as I say, not as I say, not as I do. And yeah. Very happy.

I don't know. I almost don't want to talk to you about that stuff. I feel like it would be very uncomfortable for you to talk. Don't talk to him about it. I mean, we're the same thing. It's like talking to Amir. It's just very responsible love-making. Like talking to Amir.

Oh, Amir or? Amir or. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I just have bronchitis. I'm spinning into a carat chest cancel. Highlighter blue. I'm so sorry. I did just have bronchitis.

It's awkward. It would be awkward for me to talk about that. Let's answer a question and maybe it'll lead us there. So these are real questions from real people. If you have a question or if you have a theme song that opening one is from a rapper named Homeless. And we use a new user submit a theme song every episode. And if you have one of those, or if you just have a question

for us, that email is, if I were you, show at gmail.com. And Jax, phone number is 214. 214, shit. What was I supposed to say? Well, I'm sorry. The places you can do it. You can do it. No, no, no, no, no.

What I was going to say is these are real emails from real people, but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. And Ben's going to help us out. So this person who wrote this email is named. His name is. It's a female. Oh, her name is Shampy Chost.

Shampy Chost? Shampy Chost. Did female affect it? Or is that a female name? Yes, it was going to start with a Neff. I was going to start feeling on a Neff and then I went to a CH. Feeling CH's. Sometimes I like to throw a real word at the end.

Like, well, there was an improv scene once where I did and I called someone Chad Salad. You got the biggest laugh and I was like, it's so unfair. I'm trying hard up here. The biggest laugh is when we call someone Chad Salad. Plural nouns are also funny as last names. All right, ready? Yeah.

No, Chad Salad's. Shampy? Yeah, champ, champ, shampy or something like that. It's already gone. Shampy Frost. We'll give him a new one. You want a new one? Yeah.

Shirley Calp. Shirley Calp. Shirley Calp writes, hey guys, so my ex and I have recently reconnected. He broke up with me out of the blue a few months ago and started dating some other girl. The day I texted him and went over to his house as friends just to catch up, he told me

that they had broken up. We realized we still had feelings for each other, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. My ex and I share mutual friends, so we all hung out on New Year's Eve slash New Year's Day. We shared a New Year's kiss. Everything felt good and back to normal. That is until we ended up passing out on his bed

along with my best girlfriend. The next morning, my friend and I left his house and she told me he had tried kissing her and kept touching her throughout the night. She would tell him to stop, but he was very persistent. This was all while I was in his bed a few inches away from him, trying to fall asleep, clueless as to what was happening. He told me later that day what had happened and apologized.

He wants to try that relationship again. I just, I don't know what to think or feel in this situation because I can't imagine putting moves on one of his best friends, so it hurts to think he would do that to me so easily. Does this guy deserve forgiveness or another shot? Shot through the heart and you're too blame, darling, you give love.

That name. I'm by your name. Play my heart and you're playing my game. Baby, you give up the game away. By your name. I love the, all right, ready? This is what I wanted. Before we answer this question,

I want to sing that song and I want us all to close our eyes and see if we want to do a long pause and see if we come in at the same exact time. Okay, a bad name? Now I don't want to say it again, on a bad name, yeah. I want you to make the pause longer than it is in the song. Like, or, like, what? So we want to say, strut to the heart

and you're too blame, darling, you give love, beat, a bad name. We want to see if- Because that was a huge beat and we came in at the same exact time. That's really nice. But I wanted to- Shut her eyes.

So I want to shut her eyes. I think it was because, look at you. And the words are, shot through the heart and you're to blame, you give up. Ready? Yeah. Shot through the heart and you're too blame, darling, you give love,

bad. I was too soon. I was too soon. I was making a long beat. A really long beat. All right, let's do it again. We're going to try it again. The person who messes up sounds like a minute.

I'm just going to wait. I don't want to feel like that ever again. Jake, you start. Yeah. Shot through the heart and you're to blame, darling, you give love, a bad name. That was pretty good.

I heard you breathe. Yeah. I heard you breathe. You heard me breathe the first time but you let me fucking hang in. But what a miracle you're right fucking there for him. Should we do no breathing? Or we're done with it.

No, let's do one more time. Shot through the heart. Close your eyes. And you're to blame, darling, you give love, You have to breathe. No, you breathe after love. A bad name. We all breathe after love.

Okay, ready? Together we all breathe and then we pause. Here it is. Ready? Shot through the heart and you're to blame, darling, you give love. A bad name. Sort of?

I don't even know. To answer your question, lady, you put yourself in a three-way. You put yourself in a three-way situation. And that's what the gentleman probably thought. No, why are you defending him? This guy? This is the guy that gave love a bad name, I thought.

I know, I was trying to give him a shot through the heart, you should blame. But it's like, at the same time, what a weird situation. It's not a weird situation. To bring him to bed. It was a weird situation that he was in. He failed. But that was not, I don't think that was a normal,

that's not a normal night. And what did they say? How do we know that he wasn't, they're all three of them were, I mean, have I ever, I've never had two girls just randomly sleepin' so you, your ex-girlfriend, who you sort of tried to get back together with,

and then this random girl sleeping in a bed together, everyone's drunk, and then you try to make a move on the ex-girlfriend's best friend, and now she's like, should I give him another chance? Well, it's, it's, I don't know what the circumstances is. It's an unequivocal no.

You shouldn't write, but I wonder what the circumstances were beforehand. That's such a, how do you end up with your girlfriend and your guy you want in the same bed? That's crazy. It's a drunken night. It's New Year's Eve, everything's- I'll say, I'll say, there's,

if this dude is in bed with his ex-girlfriend, that he might get back together with, and her friend, who maybe, I didn't think of it from Ben's angle, maybe he is thinking that he's gonna have a threesome, so I say, you know, why not start with your ex-girlfriend? Yeah, I think you do one, one,

I, you feel, you test the waters, but it sounds like he borderline molested someone in the bed. Yeah, so- If that's the case, that's fucking terrible. Right, I think you don't get back together with him, and he maybe gets the electric chair. If that- If the woman had said,

if the best friend said no, said no, I don't wanna do this, and he kept going, that's terrible, terrible, or if he didn't get the feeling that she wasn't interested, but I've never been in a situation where someone brings their girlfriend to sleep over in my bed, that would be, I would be like-

Well, they're not really boyfriend-girlfriend, I think they had broken up, and then they're talking about getting back together, is that what it is? Yeah, I mean, they're probably young, I feel like I've been in situations where after a party or something, people are just like crashing everywhere,

and you're like two or three people- Oh, you see, I don't know, maybe that happens. New Year's Eve sauce, New Year's Eve sauce, you get it, you get it. Yeah, you know what it is. But I think that like- How do you think-

Even aside from this, it sounds like he's done, he dumped you out of the blue, he dumped her out of the blue, which was bad, so that's strike one, that's already like, I don't know if I wanna get back together with you because you're volatile, and you'll just leave me and hurt me.

Yeah, that's a pretty big strike. So that's like, that's a tough thing to come back from, so he did that, and then tried to hook up with your girlfriend, or with your friend. I have too much pride to ever get back together with anybody who would try to dump me. I feel like I'd be like, no, screw you,

you had your chance, you fucked up, and I'm not gonna give you another chance. You let that guide your heart? Yeah. Instead of- Are you very finalist with him? Pride is pride, guys.

Are you very final if you had broken up with someone? Yeah, I'm super, super final. You would never give them another shot? Never. For real? Yeah, I'm like, okay, it's over, it's over 100%. But is that pride?

That's not like your emotions aren't involved at all, like you loved them, you- Yeah, yeah, but when I break up with the person, I'm pretty much resolved to the fact that it's over completely, and I would never give that person another- Will you ever hook up with that person again? No.

Wow, really? Unless it's been like 10 years, but I've never hooked up with an ex-girlfriend. Well, how would you stay friendly with them? What I was saying the other day was like, you always, I'm always staying friendly, like one girlfriend removed. So like girlfriend one,

I wasn't friends with during girlfriend two, but then when girlfriend two and I broke up, and I started dating girlfriend three, it's like, oh, now I can become friends with girlfriend one again, because there's that buffer girl. Then when I was with girlfriend three, I couldn't be friends with girlfriend two,

now I'm done with girlfriend three, I can start being friends with girlfriend two again. The buffer girl is in the way. This is a serious, very weird question, which hopefully we never have to put ourselves in, but if let's say you're with a girl and you really care about her, she cheats on you. You break up with her immediately,

which is what I would do in a heartbeat if something that happened. Trust is such a big deal to me that if that ever happened, the girl is 100% gone. And then she apologizes, whatever, and she's like, I really love you, I can't believe you made that mistake. Being away from you made me realize

how much I really care about you. Okay, now I kind of know your answer, but put yourself in the situation before you answer it, and I would be interested in yours. And then now in my head, it's pride. That's the pride that's making me feel like, let's say you really care about her still. It's pride that's making you, me, or Jake say,

you know what, fuck that, I'm not even gonna give you another chance. In my head, because I worry about that shit, it would be if you did it once, you're 100% gonna do it again. But if you really loved her, if it was like a year or so afterwards and you really loved her,

would you give that person another shot and do you think of it as pride or what do you think of it as? Me first? Me first? Either one of you. I find it to be a very difficult question. Someone asked me that and I found myself being like,

Oh no, it's a no brainer for me. I would never get back together with you. Ever, if someone cheated on you. Yeah, ever. What about you, Jake? That's my instinct, by the way. My instinct is exactly what you said. It's also embarrassing,

because everyone knows that they cheated on you and now you're back together with, that's such a weak move. I think this- See, that's pride, that's pride. Yeah, that's pride. I have, but I don't find, I don't think I have no pride.

I think I have pride and I think I'm just like, that doesn't affect me very much. I don't, I wouldn't- If someone cheated on you? No, I mean, like what other people think if I like somebody, if I'm in love with someone, I don't care what anybody else would think. Oh, here's it, this is it.

That's a great answer. That made me think of this is, this is how I started thinking about it. There was a situation in real life or a movie, I forget what it was, where it was a guy, someone that was married. I think it was in real life. Someone that was married and they have kids

and they have a great life and someone made a mistake and got drunk and had sex with someone else. Oh, married and kids is like a totally different thing. I'm sorry, the stakes were far higher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So would you see, because then it is, you're sacrificing so much for your pride. But see, I think you can take the marriage and kids

and apply it to boyfriend and girlfriend too, because in my eyes, a relationship is like bigger than sex. It's not just this girl fucks someone, it's over. I think that like a girl that I'm actually in love with is like, she's sex, but she's like, she's a friend, she's a companion, she's like a person who doesn't just have a pussy. She's somebody who's like, I don't know,

a decent human being. So like, if she uses her pussy on someone else, that kind of sucks, but it's like, I still have some deeper connection to her. I hold her to a higher standard than just like a piece of, like a vagina flap. So what's your answer? I think.

Put yourself in the husband's, actually put yourself in the husband scenario. I think like, girl cheats on me, it's over. Maybe a year later, I can forget it because we're so far removed from the situation. I think it's hard, it's hard because in my mind, it's not that I couldn't forgive that person, but like, I would always harbor

some kind of like secret resentment. Yes, that's what it would be for me. I'll never have that same connection with someone again because it's always gonna be coming from a negative place. I would rather have like, you know, a perfect little utopia. Yeah, where you can't just close your eyes and think of her fucking somebody else behind your back.

Oh God, that's gonna be the worst. Imagine seeing her and just thinking of that every time. I'm telling you you're sick, Amir. Amir, keep saying you're not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I just have bronchitis.

I hear it in your voice. I'm not. But like, for me, when I have sex, it's kind of, it's just impersonal. Yeah, you don't put a lot of weight on sex. I don't do sex the same way, so like. I agree, you don't put weight on sex at all. Right, so if I'm applying my sex logic

to a girl, like, I cheat on my girlfriend, right? Say I cheated on my girlfriend. She's really mad. You started that by saying I cheated on my girlfriend. I mean, in a hypothetical world, say I. All right, so yeah, say I've cheated on a girlfriend and then somebody is like, oh, that was like terrible. You had sex with someone.

Like, I don't even, like, that's like telling me that I ate a banana the other day. Yeah, it didn't even mean anything. It's like, it didn't even mean nothing. It was so inconsequential that it like, I'll never think about it again if you don't bring it up. Wow, really? Yeah.

Yeah. What happens if you see the hurt in that person's eyes? Right, that's the part that like, that's the part that I need to connect with, where it's like. Wow, did you really have a problem with it? That's a form of a sociopath. Yeah, I'm a sociopath.

You're not a total sociopath. I have the, no, I might be. When it comes to your love life, it seems like, no, because you wouldn't hurt somebody as a human being. You wouldn't hurt a mirror eye or something. Right, right. I think what I need to do. Because we're boys.

What I need to do is like, start thinking of girls the way I think of my family. Or Rosie. Which is like, yeah, exactly, we're Rosie. Or I should just fuck Rosie. But. You guys would be so cute together. That would be the most slender fuck of all time.

So. Long and slender fuck. There's something beyond sex where it's like, even if I want to fuck this person, and it won't even mean anything, it's like eating a banana. What I need to care more about than like, coming, which is usually what I care the most about.

I need to care more about being true and honest and good to somebody. But that's the part that I can't, I can't come over that. Really? Did you feel that when you were in relationships? I always feel it for a little bit. And then I lose it.

Yeah. What's the thing that makes you want to get out of relationships you've been in? To have sex with other people? It's a mix of like, pussy and freedom. But I guess pussy is like, part of the freedom. There was like. I just like it.

Is it pussy and freedom, the name of your CD? Yeah, pussy and freedom is the name of my CD, my memoir. Oh yeah, look at that tattoo. My unauthorized bio of you. Oh my God, that's crazy. You're dogs, you're two dogs. Pussy. Freedom?

Come here, freedom. Actually, my poor name is Pussy Freedom. You grew up on Freedom Street. Yep. Your first dog was named Pussy. Freedom Pussy, I grew up on Pussy Street. Sorry too. That was a question that I was interested in.

What brought that up? Well, what would you do? Well, when it came, when I'm very, I've such trust stuff that if someone had ever cheated on me, it would be that moment it would be over. And in my head, I hoped that I would be proud enough and smart enough to be like, no, that's not, you can't do that to me.

If you do that to me, you're hurting me on purpose. You did that knowing that it would hurt me. You've done it. You know what I mean? You're capable of hurting me like that. I don't want that to be the case. I gave you my trust, you destroyed me. Yeah, and also that you did something that you knew

before you did it would make me feel terrible. Right, and you didn't care. Right, you didn't care enough to stop. But then when someone throws kids, like I hope that I have this great family and stuff. I mean, I do have a great family now, but I hope that when I get married, I expand and grow.

Yeah, that I will be so in, I'm such a family person and I'll be so into them that the stakes become so crazy that if it was that I truly loved her and she truly loved me and then one night made a huge mistake. It's like, I don't know what I would do. The question scared me. When it came to me, it made me so nervous

to be put in that situation because I had no idea as an adult with a wife and kids. Well, couples stay together for a multitude of reasons just because they have kids. They're like, you see older married couples, they don't even like each other anymore. Why are they together? Oh, for the children.

So people do stay together, even though it's not a great relationship for the children. But if you're not married yet, then it's like, there's not as- But isn't the whole idea you're marrying someone that you think would never do that to you? Yeah, I mean, obviously, you think or you would help. Right, but that's not the-

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Check him out, thanks BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow, for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create

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Everything looks good, let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Case usually, actually let's answer a question about cheating, it's sort of thematically relevant. Yeah, great. This one comes from-

It's about a cheat code in Mario Brothers. I think I remember this question. This one's even harder to answer. All right, what's- You want me to just answer? Yeah, this is real. Can I touch this microphone? That's weird.

You can touch it. Real email, real person, named. Oh, this person, guy or girl? This guy's name is Charlie Calho Dan. The last- Charlie Calho Dan. Calho Dan, it's actually if you say it quickly, that's fine. Yeah, it's-

Yeah, but the way that I said it. Calho Dan. Charlie Calho Dan, right. Guys, I've been dating this girl for a year and a half and everything is going pretty great. Now, early on in our relationship, she broke up with me, but we got back together two months ago and things have been pretty swell ever since.

She loves me, she's definitely a dime and we make each other laugh. There's just one problem. A few days ago, I snooped on her computer and found out that while we were broken up, she had some serious sexual escapades. Hooking up with girls, a threesome, she had regular sex with a few dudes we know

and even a pregnancy square. And even a pregnancy scare. There were even pictures. I mean, I was so shaken up by what I had learned but I couldn't stop looking. And we actually did talk about the time we were apart but all she said was that she made out with a dude. So she's lying about what happened

when we say we were broken up. But what can I say? I'm the one that snooped. So what do I do? It's hard to ignore all the stuff I read and it makes it hard to trust anything she ever tells me. On the other hand, we were broken up and maybe she feels that what I don't know won't hurt me

except for the fact that now I do know. Please help. Charlie Calho Dan. So not really cheating but trust. The trust question is there. But that's so hard because you like. So hard. How do you learn that stuff and then come back?

How do you unlearn it? Yeah, you can't. And you think about it. You think about all the things that woman did. And she did lie but you can't accuse her of it because the only reason that you know she lied is because you snooped around. Also, even she didn't necessarily,

she did lie to protect your feelings but what she did was fine because you guys were single. She's allowed to do whatever she wants. Right, but. I mean, she's allowed to do whatever she wants even if you're together. Everyone's allowed to do whatever they want. No, God, you are a sociopath.

But if you found out all this stuff, would you be like, I can't, I don't think you can, I think you can only do what you can do and I think this is gonna eat away at you until you bring it up. This is the part where you need to like look at it from more angles than just fucking. Like she's your girlfriend so you know her hopes,

her dreams, her fears, her family. She's like a big round person who's deep and somebody out there got her to blow him but that was it. He didn't have everything that he had. Blow him, I said threesomes, the boys and dudes, I get T-squares. But like this.

But it doesn't matter, that's one thing that happened but you have her from, I mean not have her but you have like, she's in your life in so many ways that other people don't have. So you don't have anything to be jealous of. They should be jealous of you. No, he has stuff to be jealous of. No, that's bullshit.

She did all this crazy shit without him. What do you mean crazy shit? He does the same shit to her? No, he doesn't, he doesn't have all this stuff. He gets a fucker? No, but he didn't, you know, make out, have a threesome. I'm sure he makes out with her. Hooking up with girls.

Maybe you should say that he wants to have a threesome. How long were they separate for, months? I don't think it says. Did they break up? They were separated for two months. She break up with him just so she can go on this tear and come back. Yeah.

Something that you guys were afraid of. See that's kind of scary also. Is that cheating? The let's take a break and then I fuck a ton of people and then it's like, all right, that break was good. Now I'm back. I just need some me time. Well, me and her time.

Me and her and her and him time. Me and her and him and him and I'm gonna have a baby and oh fuck, actually one more month of me time. One more month of me time and then I'll be good. Cause the first month was actually fucking hot. All right, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good. Where were we?

Got that all out of my system. What happened? Where were you for two months? Honestly, I made out with a dude. But now I'm ready to be boring. Let's stay in. Let's binge watch TV and I'll get fat. Yeah, it's cold again.

I don't know how I would react to that. That'd be weird. I don't think, I don't think I'd like it. No, I would hate to find that shit out. But he found it out in a bad way. So it's almost like he's stuck. It's kind of like the police finding out evidence in an illegal way and then they can't use it

in a court of law. This is double jeopardy. It's absolutely the wire. Season four. I'm on season one of the wire by the way. It's a trapment. I just started it. Really?

See, I watched the second episode today. Oh wow. People keep telling me it starts really slow. Yeah, and do you like it already or you can see why it's slow? I'm not totally into it yet, but I'm aware how amazing it is. It's a build, yeah, yeah, it's dense.

Well actually, Amir stopped watching the wire in season three, which is something I've never heard before. Why is that like the craziest? Like season three and four are the best seasons. Oh, don't tell me. I can't wait. I can't wait to get there.

Oh dude, it's great. Anyway, the wire is one of those funny shows where it's like, oh, it starts out really slow and season two isn't great. It's like, wait a minute. This is the best show ever? So the first two seasons are bad. But I mean, I like the first two seasons.

I was gonna go to love it. So what should this Snooper do? What should Snoopy do? Which would Snoopy do? Which would Snoopy do? I mean, what is he gonna do? This is my question. If he asks her and brings it up about it,

I mean, what is, what changes? Like, does she lie? That's true, but she didn't, I guess she lied about making out. I would bring it up. I would 100% bring it up. But what does that accomplish aside from, now she knows that you snooped through her computer.

So she thinks you're a Snoopy jerk and also still had three ways made out with a bunch of news. First of all, can we stop Snoopy jerk is the uncle of Snoopy that has that mustache. You're thinking Joe Cool. Yeah, yeah. Joe Cool. I would do his follows.

I would say, listen, was it computer or phone iPhone, right? What? Oh, that he snooped through. Yeah, email, whatever. Say I was on, I took your phone, I checked some stuff out like an asshole. I shouldn't have done it. I was so stupid, but the reason I did it

was the biggest fear of mine, it came true. And then I would, and then I'll go into it and say, like, tell me what, tell me what was going on. But I don't understand what answer he's looking for that would make him not think about her getting pregnant. What he did was worse than what she did. Well, yeah, but what, so what he did. Oh, what she did is way worse.

He snooped. She was single. Yeah, he's the one who actually disobeyed her trust. Yeah, by the way, you're right. She disobeyed his trust too. But I can see that, like, I mean, I was a guy, it's a white lie, it's like, he does, he should, I want to get back together with him.

I want to be good and true to him. So I don't want him to like be upset and jealous that this happened while we weren't together. Right. There are people also that are like, I've only been with one person my whole fucking time. I have no idea what it's like to, all I'm thinking about is what's it like to have sex

with other people, blah, blah, blah. And they need to get that out of their system. Right. But that again would be, I mean, you're right, they were, they were single. She's allowed to do whatever she wants. Nothing that she did is wrong. She could do all those things.

Put on a fucking condom. Why does nobody wear condoms? That's what I'm saying, dude. I'm telling you condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms. You hate condoms. Condoms are the greatest. Trojan. You hate them.

I really dislike the way they feel. You hate a lot of things about them. Yeah. I don't like the way they feel. You love to, I bet you love coming on things. You know what? Mom turned down the podcast. I don't, yeah, I actually, I've never really cared.

Like an Oreo, like anything. You know, I have this thing. Just like a fucking crocodile. What's the hottest is an Oreo. Yeah. Do you say crocodile mile? I brought that up last podcast. Really?

The one before you came on. 90s, 90s, 90s reference? Do you talk about it? I was just saying a vagina wet like a crocodile mile. I just think you can't, all right. I think, yeah, no, I appreciate that. We don't need to talk about it. You don't need to talk about it.

I appreciate a wet vagina like a crocodile mile. But I think that what, the only thing he can do now is not compound all of the bad things. The only thing she did wrong, by the way, the only thing she did wrong is that she lied to him. I say she only made out with somebody. That's distrustful. That's the thing I would bring up,

but she is allowed, everything she did, she's allowed to do, just like he was allowed to do. He could have done all that also. Yeah, but he, but the snooping is bad. Snooping is terrible. What you should really do is lie and never tell her that you snooped. Yeah, you should never, let's make this

an anti snooping piece. You don't want to know everything. Like, can you imagine if the other person in your life knew every single thought you had? You'll never find anything good when you snoop. I wonder, I think you want to know the person that they're willing to portray. Unfortunately, your relationship

is irreversibly ruined now. I'll say that. Unless you talk about it. The only way to get past it is to talk about it. I think what you were, I agree with Ben, part one, talk about it, part two, break up, you're done. It's like, you're not gonna be able to stop thinking about this.

You're either at peace with it or you're not. And whether you talk about it or not, it doesn't really help. We're all, like in our late 20s and 30s, anybody we date has fucked other people. Everybody we date has had long-term other boyfriends, you know? It's weird, the older you get, the weirder it is to think about that.

Let's say you're going out with somebody, you're going on dates with someone. That one has been, I'm 32, that one person has been going out and having sex with people for the past 32 or 29 or 35 years of her life. Oh, you're dating 65-year-olds? 65 years of her life.

And you see the kids and their granddaughters and stuff. You gotta stop thinking about that when you're old. I get how less that matters to me. When I was like 24, I was like, when I was in my early 20s, I would be like, oh my God, I don't want to like, you fucked like two dudes, you blue friend. This is disgusting, I never want to know.

And now I'm just like, of course, yeah, you lived your life. I fucked a lot of people. You fucked people too, this is great. Well, I didn't say a lot for them. I hope that, oh, I mean, yeah, I fucked a lot of people. I just more than, I personally fucked a lot of people. What happens if you found a girl that had sex

with more people than you've had sex with? Yeah, no, they wouldn't. That's what I'm saying, if you met that girl. What do you mean? Oh wait, actually, yeah. No, I have. I know, I know that. I know who you're talking about as well,

but I'm saying beyond that person, you met another woman. A woman that was a comedian or something that you really liked spending time with. Never dated a comedian, but yeah. Okay, whatever, I'm trying to think of some beautiful actress. Oh God, no, no way. A rock climber, a rock climber.

Let's say you found this gorgeous rock climber that's just great and loves having sex and is a total free spirit, not dirty at all. She has had sex with one and a half the amount of people that you've had sex with. 1.5x. 1.5, okay. So would that make you not want to date that person?

No, that'd be fine, as long as she, yeah. Follow-up question, would you be excited or sad if she had been in a one-year, very sexual, very physical relationship with Alex Hanold, your rock climbing god, Hanold, your rock climbing hero? I think that would be harder to get over than the sheer number, but yeah, I'd be fine.

I could fuck better than Alex Hanold. So you think? No, I could. Imagine that body. All he cares about is climbing and all I care about is fucking. Hanold, if you're listening to the podcast. Is there another person on blast?

I would put Alex Hanold on blast, my god damn idol. I really- This is blast for me. I think I might, yeah, I don't believe in God, but I believe in Hanold. I think I fucked more people than he has. Right, but would you- Jesus, Jesus.

I think I'm better at fucking him. I think I'm better at fucking than he is. I think I'm better at, I want to fuck him. I'm better at fucking him than his girlfriend is. I remember that Jake came over once and there was someone at my apartment who had had a lot of sex, and then Jake had the, when they talked about it,

when Jake found out how many people this person had sex with, they talked about it like as if- It was a hobby. As if Mia and I had just seen the Avengers and we could not wait to share what happened. Like with such a huge story. It was amazing.

You loved that, right? Yeah, that was when, I mean, I just felt like instant, like almost an instant, come back, can I say his name? Instantaneo's curtain around it. Just like, I was just like, you're my kindred spirit, you're my brother. Let's, we're just like, we're talking,

we're like Google image searching girls that we fucked. Oh, God, it's great. Can I say his name now? Can I say his name now? It was such a fun thing to watch you guys talk, but I mean, also disgusting and terrible. Yeah, terrible, terrible. Another Simpsons reference,

another Simpsons reference that it reminds me of is when Homer put that hair thing in and went for a run because he couldn't believe that he had hair, and then he met someone else that also had that. Yeah, exactly. That was the moment. Another line that I just thought of for some reason is when Skinner says something terrible

and it's on the microphone and then the microphone goes off and he goes, prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong. No big deal. Have you been to a Simpsons table read? No, but I'd love to. You don't care about Simpsons, right? I don't care about Simpsons.

You don't care. I mean, take care. I grew up on the Simpsons. You don't care about like this basketball. I'm just not, I can't quote it to the level of you guys, but I did grow up on the Simpsons. My parents still watch the Simpsons every Sunday. Wow.

Which I don't think you guys, you guys were as big fans as you are. No, I haven't seen an episode. My parents have never missed an episode of the Simpsons. Really? I love that, but I don't know. Do they still like like season 25? They still, yeah, like we watched one

and I was like, I didn't like that. And my dad was like, that was pretty funny. I like that side show, Mel. Oh, we should get that one thing from the Simpsons. Would they flip? Yeah, I mean, of course. Is that their favorite show now? Yeah, that's like our family show.

We should get them some from the Simpsons. Can you do that? I think I have a script from a tabloid that I want. Oh, you should keep that. That's your, dude, you. No, I took a bunch. I took 90. I'm a very big Simpsons fan.

I would do that. I'll give it to you. Give it to your parents. Yeah, I mean, they would flip out. Mom, stop listening. This is gonna be a surprise. You can't help it. Well, it'll be a surprise for my dad.

Okay. We're pretty much out of time. I mean, we have to go to sleep. Our podcasts are kind of unique and as special in a specific way. I hope you guys still enjoy them. We didn't get to answer as many questions, but you know what?

We delved deeper. Things got very real. And we had more fun, so. You learned a lot. A lot. Yeah, wow. Not a lot about Jake. A lot about Jake.

I feel like that must happen a lot, no? Yeah, yeah, we did. I overshare. And this is the first time that I felt like I really put my foot in my mouth. I think I might have said too much. Really? Yeah.

Things finally got real. For me, shit. Thanks, Ben, for coming on the show. Of course, guys. It's gonna be fun. You guys live in Los Angeles now. We live very close to each other. It's impossible.

Yeah, let's hang out. Let's do it. All right. Thank you guys so much for listening to the show. That email address, once again, is ifireushow at gmail.com. That first theme song submitted was from a rapper that he calls himself, Homeless.

And this last theme song is from another musician named Ray. So please enjoy these. And thanks so much for listening. We'll be back on Monday. Later. If you don't know which way to go. Or which way is the end.

Watch if I let you show the jacket. That's it. That was our episode. Thanks again to nicelaundry.com. Please, if you're near a computer, just check them out. Go to nicelaundry.com. See for yourself if you like what you see. Buy something that'll really help us out.

Help them out. Help you out. Later, guys.