If I Were You - 535: Baby Names

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

In this episode we discuss eating, cheating, and journaling. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original.

This is a Hit Gum Original. Cool. That was nice. That was really nice. I didn't appreciate the the messaging but I like the guitar and I like the voice. When you hear what the lyrics actually said

pretty nasty and derogatory towards me. And I'm trying, but I'm trying to like look past that to the point where I'm like, okay, this was Christian Freberg, his name was. Separate the art from the artist. Exactly. My song submission is an acoustic parody of a thrice song called Stare at the Sun.

Oh, nice. If you could, would you please shout out my hardcore punk band? And then he says the name of the band. And you better fucking believe that this chipmunk won't say the name of it. How's that for fair? I played your little song.

I extracted the joy out of it, but I won't give him the honor of saying what his band is on my podcast. For him to come. Change your hand. Change your hand. First of all, first and foremost, make a new hand, gesture.

Okay, relax it. Spread the fingers. Keep my band's name out of your fucking mouth. Will Smith. Are you sure you extracted any joy? Because it actually sounds like you got super wound up and angered. Yes, and actually we were recording this in our studio

so you guys can see this if you're on our YouTube channel. This is a video version of our show. You can listen to it as you would a normal podcast, but you can also watch it. Thanks to the magic of video podcasting on our YouTube. So you can see how much joy or anger it caused. Fine, his name, his band's name is Violet's and it's spelled V-Y-L-T-S.

Violet's. Pretty cool, right? No vowels except for the Y. Sometimes Y, yeah. It's a wordle-chic word, band name. Wow, it's been a minute since I played wordle actually. Really? Yeah.

We just released our first single and it's streaming on all platforms right now. For fans of Touche Amore, Defeater and Knocked Loose. Love it. How are people discovering new songs nowadays? I feel like I only hear what is popular on TikTok. Are you listening to the radio or are you listening to Spotify Playlists?

I do listen to Spotify Playlists that get up. I listen to my discover and every once in a while. It's hard for me to actually discover new music because I'll listen to a song and I'll be like, oh, I like this and I'll press the heart button. So I have a playlist of my liked songs and I know what they sound like, but I couldn't tell you the names of any of them.

Yeah, what's the most recent new song you remember liking? There's a song called Bodies by... Megan Thee Stallion. No, no, no. When I hear the day away. Oh, yeah, I don't know what it's called or really how it goes, but it's a great song and it makes me feel happy when I hear it,

but I discovered that one recently and it's not my liked song. I think it's called Bodies. Yeah, and I, again, I don't like Lil Nas X. Is he like the newest artist that I can name? Potentially so. Actually, what I rediscovered recently was Guster, a band I really liked in high school.

Wow, in their back or you're just listening to their songs? Just listening to their old songs. Yeah, just, I was in Seattle and I was going on a run and I was like, I don't know what to listen to. And I was like, you know what, fucking Guster, I haven't heard those guys in a minute. And you better believe, I think it's the nostalgia, but I still like all of it.

Is Guster, no, they're not the ones that sing. It was a crazy game. Yeah, that's OAR. And I listened to that, actually that weekend kind of triggered a whole, like, you know, college playlist moment for me. And the OAR songs I liked did not hold up really as well. What's a famous Guster song?

Have I heard any of these Guster songs? Happier. Because I'm happier. Yeah, that's good. sequel to happy. Okay, that was Christian Freeberg. Thank you. Thank you for supplying the song

and it's cool that you played guitar and sang. I wish it wasn't about me being a rodent slash tree creature or treacher for short, but we'll take what we can get. This is if I were you, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Justin. Oh yeah, Christian.

What is it, Christian? Chase Bieber. It's a Christian Bieber. Christian Bieber. I am Christian Bieber because Bieber is Christian. Yeah. And you could be Jewish Bieber. Right.

All right. As always, real questions from real people. We're going to do our best to answer this. The energy is high right now because again, we're from the person, we're absolutely IRL. Okay, here we go. This is a funny one I found in our electro mailbox and it's sort of a problem that's a humble brag.

I love it. So we'll call this guy Humbert Bragg. Good. I'm a 23 year old guy that's six foot one inch, bald and bearded. I've had plenty of sexual encounters, but I have one problem. Every girl I've ever slept with has only done it

because of my size. They've either heard it through friends or asked me directly. A stat for Amir, I'm volumetrically larger than 99.62% of men, approximately 2.3x the average according to the penis percentile calculator online. How do they say 2.2 times? Two and a half times the average.

Jesus. That seems not true. That means like if the average penis is six inches, he's not like 15 inches. What if he is? Insane. I feel like I'm a nice person and I'm generally liked. And I just can't seem to find a relationship

that has a basis other than his dick is big and I wanna try it out. Okay. So here's the question. How do I get a girl to like me for who I am? And not just my massive main vein. Should I not, should I just not answer? This should be your fucking hinge bio, bro.

Should I just not answer when a girl asks me my size? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. How often do, I've never been asked my size. Yeah, because yours isn't 2.3x the average. But like he's saying like, it sounds like he's getting asked like leading up to a sexual encounter. Yes.

That's as if it's a small town and they all talk. His reputation is preceding him. That's right. I mean, the best way to have a big dick is quietly. So that's cool. Yeah. So like nobody knows and it's a pleasant surprise. Right.

Yeah. But the cat's out of the bag. I think you have to embrace the fact that you have a hook. Not like the penis is hooked, but like the, there's like an angle that people are, you know. Not that your penis is an angle. An angle. Yeah.

This is just like, yeah. But there's like a cock. Oh, sorry. Not that your penis is a cock. There's a reason that people are intrigued by you. Everybody has something. Like people want to get to know you because you're funny and you live in the woods.

That's kind of interesting. You're a woodland creature and they want to know what you eat. I'm not. But yeah, I can see why that would be a cool thing. What made you evolve basically into human, but not so far that you're not a chipmunk. And that makes people interested in you.

And then it's your personality and your cute little chipmunk ways that maybe you're, look at you, you're eating an acorn. I'm chewing on a nut because I got hungry. Maybe the reason you are having sexual encounters is because people are curious about your body. Or maybe that's the reason that people are intrigued by you. And is that fine?

That's fine ultimately. The reason they stick around will be your personality. I think you have to give everyone a free pass because lucky for you, you're a freak of nature. It's kind of cool. If you're in the 99.6 percentile. According to a penis percentile calculator online, have you ever measured your member?

Yes, of course. And did you do it with like a tape measure, just a hard ruler? Did you like measure your hands and then sort of guesstimate? I believe it was a ruler. A ruler. A ruler. So you didn't eat in my dad's workshop.

I used to protract her. Because that's how fucking curvaceous it is. And I measured the yaw of my caw. And what were you working on? You need to take measure for the girth. What's that? You heard me. You absolutely heard me.

I actually had to use a yardstick for my. And a yaw stick for the yaw. I used a yardstick to find out it was 2.1 inches thin. And then I used a soda can to sort of approximate the girth of it. Oh my God. What? I can't believe it's 2022

and we're just fucking going all in on the caw size. It's about time we go back. Mine's about roughly the cylindrical size of a little medicine bottle. You know what I mean? The little kind that like pills come in. And it rattles like that too as if there's two loose pills at the base of it.

Once you take the cotton out. I'm sorry to take it out. Let's take it out. No, it's insane. We're live in a studio audience here. I'm not going to remember my member. Oh, my good God. But yeah, I mean, I bet most people

have, you know, measured their penis. Have you? I have. I was curious. You want to know if you're what you're working with. We're so dangerously close to like, you know. A dick measuring contest. Yeah, this isn't where we want to head as a society.

Is it? Pun intended? Yes. Nice. Actually, instead of measuring what we can do is joust. Oh, my God. What? Just see whose tip touches the other person's first.

That way we know who's working with it. It's not even about size, then. It's about skill. Because we will be riding towards each other on a horse. Chivalry isn't dead, folks. What do you think this guy should do? Who cares? You're hung like a horse, bro.

Talk to me when you have a real problem, like not being able to close. How about a penis reduction procedure? I don't think he wants that. I think he's happy. He's obviously proud. He's gone on to multiple different dick calculation websites.

He knows the percentile he's in. There has to be examine yourself a little bit and try to decipher if you're not a little bit proud about this. I mean, he's two standard deviations above average. That means for every person in his percentile, there's somebody who's rocking a micropeen just to make the average stay where it is. Yeah.

What do you think the average is by? I feel like I've heard six or five and a half or something. Yeah, it's kind of like body heights wise, but inches instead of feet. Right, yeah. How big is yours? My what? You said you measured.

So you actually, you know. His is 99.62% bigger than yours. Bigger than most men. Mine is 99.63. And I don't even say that lightly. I really say that with the gravitas and sewers. And I didn't want to tell everybody and you forced that out of me.

So yeah, actually I'm a pretty humble guy. I'm a show or and a grower, if you can imagine. It starts big and ends longer because I'm happier. Yeah, here's a question. How do I get a girl to like me for who I am? I guess you'll know. You'll know.

Sometimes I think it'll happen at the same rate as though you had a small penis. But I guess while you're weeding people out, they're also having sex with you, which is a fine quality. Anyone to like you for who you are is you spend more time with them. So it's weird that you would expect anyone to like you for who you are so fast.

It also depends on if you're a nice guy. So the answer is just over time. But you will have to deal with people being curious about your number. You're probably wondering what my cock looks like, he says on the first date. Why does nobody like me for who I am? Maybe you just have to move.

People say that having the reputation of having a BD big dick is actually a curse because everybody's expecting it to be pretty big. How interesting. So it's almost like it's better, like you said, to have that myth, though. That's why you'll often hear nasty rumors about me, allegations-wise, pictures, photos of my D-next to a plum.

They're roughly the same size. So it's not rumors, it's evidence. And color, that's not. I did not have sexual relations with that. Your penis is out of your track pad, and my god, it's small. I mean, my god, man. It looks like a thin sliver of a mouse pad. It's felt, it's purple felt.

Why purple? Purple felt, purple felt. Congratulations, I don't know what you want me to say. Should I even give this guy a fake name? I feel like let's fucking out him. He's the hero that everyone wants it to be. Follow up, ask for a photo. We deserve to see.

We deserve to see it, sir. A follow up pump that's just a dick pic. All right, let's take a break and answer some questions that aren't so blue after this break. Come on. It's blue, it's left of center, it's disgusting. It's odious. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode

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Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade. Excuse me, I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress.

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Hey Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little too big to find that. Mom, I'm coming. It's gross. I don't, but I think you do. So we're in a studio right now. We didn't really have any unsolicited device. So we opened it up to our confident producers over there.

And Anya actually has been mentioning that she journals at night right before bed. Doesn't journal writes down her thoughts and it helps them from racing around in her head as she falls asleep. Goes to bed. That's right. So anything that's sort of kicking

around the noodle up there and it's like sort of repeating ad nauseam right before you go to sleep, you write it down and then you can go to sleep with a clear conscience. Is that more or less what the situation is? Yeah. Yeah, okay. It's not even close, a little bit.

She was talking about exercising more. I don't know where you came up with the journaling thing. Is it egg whites? The key is to not think of it as a journal. The key is to not think of it as a journal. And just write what you're thinking. Anya said, she doesn't look at it at all the next day. Interesting.

So it's really just a release. Yeah. But the thing is when I'm falling asleep, I don't have any thoughts left in my brain all day. I think it's because I talk so much during the day that by the time I'm ready for sleep, my head's already empty and my soul is too. So I'll sort of just fade to black.

The other way, if you find yourself with the anxiety of like constantly overthinking or thinking many things throughout the day, the way to get that out of your brain, I guess, you're saying is to write it down right before you fall asleep. I think there's, my, whatever I'm anxious about usually rears its head during the day.

And I don't have anything at night. At night, I always go to sleep really easily. Because you're dead from the day. I don't even know if it's because I'm dead for the day. It's just like my brain is just like I, mine doesn't come, like my brother's, his comes at night and not during the day. Oh, interesting.

For me, I'm like, why are you just different? I stressed about stuff during the daytime and relaxed in the evening. Right. I guess it's what, I don't know which one is better than the other, cause one sort of ruins your day and the other one kind of ruins your night. Neither of them are good.

No. You should try to get rid of them for the whole, you know, all the time. That's right. Which is bringing us to our other sponsor, Better Health. Thank you to you guys for just coming from that. Okay, hopefully that's helpful to some of y'all out there. But they do say that journaling,

not that this is journaling, is very helpful. Writing. Writing it down, yeah. I do never write anything down. I fear I'm forgetting how to like even hand write. Oh yeah, definitely. I think, like this happens to my wife, she'll like wake up, she wakes up in the middle of the night

and needs to write things down to get them out of her head. But I've woken up before, it's like 4 a.m. I like take off my eye mask and she's just like sitting there with the lights on writing. I'm like, geez, you're having a different night than me. Can you turn that light off, please? I'm going back to dream,

putting on a VR headset for really loud voices. Okay, here's a question from somebody who might be going through his own certain sets of anxieties and it's kind of funny. Really? Yeah, so let's call this guy Ross because he says he does something Ross style. My wife and I have been together for six years.

With any relationship, we've had our ups and downs. Everything is great now, but about a year into our relationship, we took a break, Ross style. During this period, my wife was absolutely railed. Railed by a guy named Ezekiel. Zeek. That's right.

Give her the Z. My wife told me she had sex during this period but did not tell me his name. I learned that through the grapevine. Whatever, fine, kosher, legal even. Yeah, quite. Cut to now, we're having a baby and she wants to name the bish Ezekiel.

She doesn't know that this is the name. She doesn't know that I know that this is the name of the dastardly fiend I've poked around and it's not like he, she has an uncle or a grandpappy and when asked, she says, I just like that name. What does this mean? It's a fine name, I guess, but I don't want to be thinking about that dude

when I look upon my son's face. Can I bring it up? She's the one pooping this thing out. So how much ground do I really even have? Am I just being a petty Jew? Much like the prophet Ezekiel. What would you do if you were me? PS, we made a deal that if it was a girl, I'd name her

and if it was a boy, she would. Also, she seems pretty basically decided that she talks to her belly and calls it Ezekiel. Oh my, she's actually talking to her vagina. That's right. Missing him. Yeah, what do you think? So is it 100% they know the sex of the baby

or is it a coin flip right now? Like do they not know? They know it's a boy. They know it's a boy. She's going Ezekiel. And they made the deal, she has chosen Ezekiel. She has chosen and he doesn't knowzen or she doesn't knowzen that he knowszen why she chosen.

I think that it's part like, I feel like I get both sides. In one instance, I think you could do a better job of getting over Ezekiel because like, I don't think she's naming the baby Ezekiel because she got railed so hard one time that she wants to like think about it every time she talks like she probably liked the name. Maybe that's what drew her to this guy in the first place.

Oh, interesting. So the name predates the rail. Yeah, I don't think that he gave it like such a memorable sex profile. Like how does he know that she got railed? Yeah, she knows. Oh, he knows. Like, he knows.

Yeah, I mean, I don't think you want to start like digging up like, oh, we can't name this baby after anyone either of us have been with. Cause it takes names off the table. It's just not that. As a general rule, I don't know what happened to you during the break. Can we just eliminate names of people

I've ever slept with in you actually? Right. And then she's like, yes. And she's like, I'm going to call him Ezekiel. And then you're like, well, that's the thing. Cause I heard something through the great vibe. I did some opposition research into you. Hop of research.

I know that you actually were railed by Ezekiel. So I think that you could do a better job of getting over it, but at the same time, I don't think that you will. And I think that it probably makes sense to say something sooner rather than later. Yeah, because this is a problem. It's not like a temporary problem. No.

Cause the baby will hopefully outlive you. If you don't want this name to be on the birth certificate and then you realize you can't live with it and then you tell her. Do you like the name Ezekiel in general for a child? I like old school names. I'm not, Ezekiel's not like my favorite, but I don't, I'm not opposed to it.

I don't know. I don't know, but it sounds very Amish to me. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Or it's Old Testament, right? Zeke, I don't really like the name Zeke as a nickname either. What does Zeke, like, do you know any Zekes in your life? They just, I imagine like a scary guy named Zeke.

Right. I think that's from a salute your shorts. There is Zeke the plumber. Oh right, Zeke the plumber, maybe the plumber. That's why I don't like it. You should just play that episode of salute your shorts for your wife and be like, maybe we should name it Ezekiel. I mean, look at this guy, this guy was awful.

What are you showing me? It was a show in the early 90s that had eight episodes. And I think we, I'm going to use my veto on Zeke. Oh, that's, I mean, that's what you should have done. It is like, when you have this, you choose a guy, I choose a girl, but we each get a veto, a zedo. That's really nice. But it's too late for that.

Right, so maybe for the next child. I think it's a dangerous game to do, I choose if it's a boy, you choose if it's a girl. Yeah, because you have to agree. Like, what are you going to have, fart-blanched access to naming this child? That seems like you got to put your heads together on this one. Yeah, I think that's what my parents did for me, actually.

They just let your mom decide? I think my dad decided. And he's like, Jake. Yeah. But your mom had to have gone along with it. I remember that if I was a girl, she wanted to name me Jessamy. And I'm glad that I'm a guy for a lot of reasons, obviously. But then they had three more girls,

and Jessamy didn't even crack the top three. I think at that point she must have fallen out of love with Jessamy. Interesting. Yeah. You have a sister, Eliza. That's pretty, that's like the female Zekeel. Everyone has a pretty biblical name. Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Eliza, Micah, Jacob.

For a non-biblical family, you guys relied on the Bible for names. Yeah. Yeah. Would you go biblical for your names, or you're not about that Old Testament lifestyle? I would. Well, I want to name my son Ragnar,

but Jill's having none of it. Because it sort of doesn't mean anything. It sounds like a caveman sort of making a noise. It's rooted in a history that's neither yours nor hers. It's hard to say. It's hard to spell. It's hard to see someone. It's not hard to spell or say.

Ragnar, R-A-G-N-A-R? No, it's not hard. But everything else you say is in line. Thor Ragnarok. Would you like a Thor name? You like the Viking stuff. Yeah, I do. That's why I like Ragnar.

Because it's sort of like the D&D thing. Yeah. You want to create a hard one of yourself. Right, exactly. You want to be named in your image. That's exactly right. And if they should grow up to be a whiny little wiry Jew like me.

Right. Oh, how you wouldn't like that. Yeah. I am Ragnar. No, you're going to go by your middle name. Poindexter. Rodney. Rodney Mott.

Ragnar Rodney Hurwitz. Who says no to that? The RRH to rule them all. Rodney Ragnar eats a rhombus. OK, here's a 27-year-old female from South Africa that has a question. South Africa. Yeah, that was a, I think, bad accent,

though I'm not entirely sure. We'll call this lady Joanne, because she's from Johannesburg. OK. I've been friends with this guy for over a decade now. And he's been a vegetarian for seven of those years, I think. He moved out of our hometown when high school ended, and we've had a bit of a long-distance friendship. And he would come down and spend some weekends

with us throughout the years. But now is when it gets weird. I recently moved to the same city as him this year, and we're spending a lot more time together. But I think this fucker has been secretly not vegetarian for years, and it's just been lying to us the whole time. I went over to his house for dinner one day, and his mom served us lasagna.

And I didn't see a veggie version, but he ate it anyway. And then recently, he house-sat for me, and I found meat sausages in my fridge that I didn't buy. So how do I confront him about this? Should I even confront him about this? I think it's fine. It's not. It's okay.

He's lying. You're not, really. He sort of gets off to telling people he was a vegetarian. I think it's okay. Really? Whatever. Yeah. Right?

Because he had a sausage. So he don't come out and come to me. We don't necessarily know everything. Because he's not like- We don't. You rarely hear about vegetarians anymore. Now it seems like it's vegan or bust. Vegan or bust, yeah.

A vegetarian is a nothing. I'm actually still vegan. Really? What does that entail again? Meaghan is the diet wherein I eat mostly vegan, but every once in a while I just listen to me and I can eat meat because it's my diet, my body, me, meaghan. I see.

We got sushi last night and I didn't bat an eye. Yeah, because my meaghanism has shifted towards kind of a pescetarian lifestyle. Me wants meat most of the time now. Interesting. So it's still in line with meaghan because I do decide what I eat as a meaghan. Right.

There are no rules. Correct. But yeah. So I'm eating meat, meat and cheese, poultry, fish. I'll have a veal. Yeah. Just to hear them squeal. But that is meaghan.

It's very, it seems like you're just doing whatever the hell you want and calling it something else. That's correct. I would like to eat less meat just because, as I now take care of an animal in my own house, I feel like it's kind of fucked up what we do to animals that we eat. Totally, yeah, for sure.

I understand the impulse to not want to support this terrible system. Yeah, no, it's bad. But I'm being so selfish in that it's like, yeah, it's bad, but also I like chicken apple sauce. Right. So I'll still do that. I just would prefer the status quo was better for the,

like it's just easy. I don't know. Everybody to make a rule right now, let's not eat meat. Then we're all in this together and we'll figure it out. Right, then it's the only option I have. I wouldn't be like, well, no, I missed the chicken. I think it's just like, that's kind of what I ate. And then it doesn't feel like you're just not doing anything.

It's like, great, I'm not eating turkey in my sandwich, but it's not really making a difference. But the fake meat is pretty good. Fake meat is pretty good. It's definitely there for me. Beyond beef is good. Yeah, and then. I guess I like burgers though.

I mean, steak's pretty good. So is chicken. I recently, I heard this fine. I heard this crazy fact that every year, 80 billion animals are killed for meat and 72 billion of them are chicken. Jesus, doesn't that seem like way high for the amount of, that's like eight chickens per person on earth

is killed every year. Cause like, well, aren't like cows sacred in India? So like there's, there's a lot of cultures that won't eat a cow. Exactly. But chicken doesn't have that luxury. Oh no, it doesn't, it doesn't get to be holier than anybody vow.

Wow. Are there not including fish on that? Yeah, I would guess not because, you know, they just bring those fish in and they just dump it on a boat and it's hard to count that. Right. That makes sense. But maybe they are including fish.

Yeah. Should we be meaghan together? At the very least, we should eat less meat. Yeah. No, that's good. So like an occasional meat versus often everyday meat. What are you gonna have for lunch today? Today, well, today the thing is just getting started.

So I might actually do like a Philly cheesesteak or something like that. A chicken cheesesteak. Yeah. And then- A surf and turf. And I have to say goodbye to this old diet by doing like a-

A last hurrah. Exactly. So I'll have venison. Let's deer meat. Tomorrow my appetite- And a line of pot pie. My appetite for flesh will become insatiable as I drool over the thought of-

I'm eating a horse heart for breakfast. And then tomorrow I'll eat my dog. Cause if I raised it, I deserve to have him. On Friday, I'll have a salad, but I am going lion hunting. On Sunday, a purely vegan diet as I detusk an elephant in front of its mom. And then Monday, we run it all back again. On this Monday, in the hide, hunting tigers.

Yes. Sorry, did I say meatless? I meant boneless. Boneless wings, specifically. That's extra chicken that goes into that. All right, let's take a break, think some sponsors and do some real soul searching and see how we can be friendly to the environment

and our animal friends. We'll be back after these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting. My first child, we got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now,

but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it.

Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on.

Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself

out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy, it's been very helpful.

So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help.

And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we have returned. Yeah. How close are your guys in New York to having a studio like this

so we could do some episodes like this at NYC? Dangerously close. Really? The space, everything is built. It is soundproof. The panels need to be hung, the lights need to be hung, the cameras need to be set up, but all that stuff is there.

Interesting. Everything's on site, everything is built. Did you get one of those cool TVs like we have that's like the frame TV that looks like an image but it's actually television? Yes. Same exact one. The exact same one.

Wow. I think we just copied your entire order and did it over there. Yeah, I don't consider it my order because I had nothing to do with it, but yeah. Yeah, totally. Casey's order really. Right, sure.

So he thought of everything. You guys just said, okay, copy, paste, let's do this in New York. I didn't even say that. I think it was Marika and Katie. So yeah, I've literally done nothing. But I wonder what it'll look like if we could do a split screen.

So it looks like I'm talking to you. So there would be a computer in your chair. We didn't get this thing because I found this to be a mistake because it's kind of an optical illusion. Oh yeah. So I think we're putting shelves and stuff on here to sort of break.

Yeah, break the slats of it all. So yours is just a matte single color. Yeah, you have more of a beige theme and we're gonna have more of a gray theme. Interesting, beige and gray. I believe our walls are painted gray. Beige and gray, grayish and beige. But we're gonna have the, yeah, we're gonna,

we'll have the shelves. We're gonna have similar furniture. I think it'll intercut for sure. That's cool. Looking forward to that. Okay, here's one last question to rule them all, ready? Yeah. This one is about potentially hooking up with a porn star.

Nice. It's a dude. So what's a popular porn dude name? Peter North. Peter North writes, I recently discovered a brand new porn star who's quickly becoming one of my favorites. Okay.

Come on, because I like porn. I didn't say it. Yes, you did. You paused so, so to give it more time. Yeah. After some digging, I found her personal TikTok and began following her. Turns out she's originally from the suburb of my city.

She ended up watching and liking some of my TikToks. I subscribed to her OnlyFans and then I found her personal Instagram. At this point, I can literally dox her, but I won't. Jesus. I won't, he writes. Okay. But I was thinking about reaching out to her

to see if she wants to get coffee. One of these times when she's home for the holiday. I missed my chance already when she was home for Thanksgiving. I could be upfront and let her know that I know she's a porn star or play it cool and pretend I only know her from TikTok. Interesting.

So he's like sliding into the DMs, the TikToks. She probably knows how he know, right? Like it's not too big of a secret. I don't, I feel like if you make porn, there's no chance that this is the only guy that sought her out. She knows the whole game. She's been there before,

especially if he follows her on OnlyFans. Right. But like it's all anonymous on OnlyFans. I mean, I just think she probably knows that you know or something, but it's also fine. If I would just, I would reframe this in your brain from you feeling like you have all the cards to she's actually seen everything before.

So you do not have the upper hand. You are one of many who's trying to get coffee with her. But you know, she watches your TikToks. That's good. That's a good start. Ask her for coffee, but with no expectations, especially no expectations that you are in control. That's right.

Well, he actually continues because this is when it gets even a hairier situation. I wanted to get your insight just on the first part. The other thing is I'm married. Oh, what are you? All right, let me finish. Because what you suggested to him was actually really fucked up knowing this part.

And we're going to edit this to make it sound like I said that before you talked about this. We're not. Maybe my wife would be cool with me fucking a porn star. It's basically a once in a lifetime opportunity. Maybe my wife would be down for a three way. Frankly, my confidence is about 50-50 as to whether or not I can get this porn star to fuck me.

It's just a matter of shooting my shot. What would you do if you were me? Does this change anything you had in mind for the first time? Of course. Of course. Interesting, how so? First of all, my shot, like it doesn't sound like it was even that hard.

You found her on TikTok. Yeah. And then, I don't know. Definitely, you can't have your wife play catch up with this situation. You need, if this is something you want. She should be in lockstep with you from the get-go. You think he's actually this casual about this?

Is this guy so cool and open that he's like, yeah, should I go after this porn star? Also, I'm married, maybe I'll have a threesome. Like, is it possible that there's this loosey-goosey? No. Or is he kind of crazy-wayzy? I think he's probably the most loosey-goosey about everything.

If I could make a prediction on the situation, I think his wife would not be cool with it, and he actually has no chance with the porn star. Okay, okay. Worst of both worlds is, you tell your wife, she's offended, you decide to shoot your shot anyway. The porn star honestly just rebuffs you, thinks it's creepy that you found out her home address

on Instagram and wanted to get coffee. And then you just, you're kind of shit out of luck. So you're saying his confidence. You told your wife you wanted to cheat on her, and a porn star rejected you. And that's shooting the shot, I think, you know, keep the rock at that point. See, he says, my confidence is about 50-50.

Your confidence, I think, is at a million. It needs to be about 50-50. It's too high, would you say. It should be closer to 10-90, it seems like, for 10 being accepted and 90 being rejected. Tell your wife you're into this type of thing, and see how she feels about it. Yeah.

And then go with God. That's cool. Yeah, maybe they are a religious couple or something like that, and she can spin it in a way that's like, in the Bible. Like a sister-wife type of thing. Yeah, or like sort of like a multiple personality situation. Yeah.

Because I think the last supper was a low-key orgy. No shit. If you see the painting, it's actually a key party. There's a little bowl with a lot of like skeleton keys in there. And who's the one that sort of kisses, is it Judas? Yeah, he actually freshened Jesus so that they knew which one was him, right? Isn't that at work?

We should commission an oil painting that is the last supper as an orgy. It's Jesus doing like this, but he's kind of like steep-holing, fucking Judas and Paul. And there's no way this exists already, right? We thought of it. We had to. There's no way anybody would make

such a fucking sacrilegious IIT slash. They'd go to hell, like we already are. Really? What about the Mona Lisa, but there's cleave? Like, I'm serious. Let's fucking finally allow- We can't record in person. The podcast devolves into this,

a literal dick measuring contest, and a porn star thing, and Jesus jerking off Judas. You said that one. Yeah, and I'm not proud of it. And we're not even airing what we said during the commercial break. Which was entirely too blue to ever have ever written. You have to go back to Zoom.

We have some humility there. We have the veneer, the screen allows us to look at ourselves. I think that's what it is, because when you're zooming, you can see yourself. If I saw myself, I would never see this so much. It's like I'm- The vitriol, the dirty poison that I spew, but right now, all I can see is sort of my hands,

like my POV, and then your face. And I'm okay saying that to you. You would think looking at Casey and Anya, you'd have. I'm ignoring them. I'm trying to pretend that we're the only two people in the room, otherwise I'll feel that energy, and I'll be ashamed. And that shame is what I feel 24-7,

and so I come in here and I- This is hiding from it. Yes, exactly. In a way, I'm sort of hiding behind the camera. And in a way, you actually have to spew the darkest, ugliest stuff you can, because then that gives you the reaction that you want that would make this shame make sense.

Exactly, it's not unlike the journaling thing, where it's like I have to get this out of my head, because otherwise I'm thinking about that, and now if I share it with the world now, that's on them. It's almost the opposite of the journaling thing, because the journaling thing is a healthy way to get your thoughts out. You're projecting them into a microphone,

giving them to an audience. And I'm forcing, when you say stuff, you force people to think about it, like the Ski Pole thing that you're talking about. People have to have that image, because it's impossible not to, and now that they have it, you don't. If I die this weekend, and a lot of new people

check out our podcast, this will be the last thing. Should we still release this, do you think? Oh, interesting. Yeah, because we are recording ahead of time. I guess if I die now, we definitely should, because I'm calling it. This might be an Easter episode. Oh, fuck, really?

Yeah, he has risen and all that shit, totally. That's fine, ultimately. Yeah, because then it's thematically related by accident. I am an atheist. Right, so ultimately it doesn't really matter. Cheers. Cheers. All right, thanks for writing in your questions, everybody.

Good luck. I'd love a follow-up, huh? Yeah. Let me know how that goes. Did the 50-50 confidence ever waver as you brought this up to not only your wife, but a porn star you met on TikTok? Right.

What if he writes his bags like, yeah, worked out, three-some happened shortly thereafter? I mean, that'd be amazing. You'd have to be a guest. You're my hero, sir. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifirusho at gmail.com. As always, this is being simulcasted, video recorded,

so you can watch this episode on our YouTube channel. That's right. And for more content, we're watching old Jake and Amy episodes on our Patreon, patreon.com.com. Slash, J, A. J, A. Thanks to you guys for watching. Thanks to you guys for listening.

However you're consuming this, we appreciate it. We'll be back, of course, next week in the theme song, the theme song. Let's see if we can remember. It was A, A, A, A. It's acoustic. It was, oh, Violet. Yes, it was Christian.

Christian made a parody. Wasn't the band called, it was a hardcore punk band called Violets. VYLTS. TS, yeah. Thank you, Christian, for making that for us. And we'll be back, I'm sure, next week. Ciao, everybody.

Checking every single show. A day won't fair, and that's for show. I cry up every time. That was a hit gum original.