If I Were You - 537: Ballad Of Hurwitz And Blumenfeld

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

In this episode we discuss covert tapes, overt favors, and Jake's fitness plan. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Headgum Original. Which was known as the pinch as a boy now these two fine men they created a podcast they give out advice never miss in a week dating and wordle and troubles with housemates they answer our questions with wisdom we seek well here's what I do if I were you cried her wits and bloomin fell every Monday to oh good what castors after adventure you're listening now yesterday is the day now on this here show there are certain awards a party of brown and a mic of pure gold over which says hoisted near 500 gold mics he's humbled and chuffed and by god he is cheese

but sour and hunch sitting in his dark corner the chipmunk does nothing but protest and wine his nasty demeanor will land him the turdy not once and not twice but every damn time well here's what I do if I were you cried her wits and bloomin fell every Monday to hardy young podcasters after adventure you're listening now yesterday is the day damn well they're supposed to be like eight more verses the original song i believe had 10 11 verses that's based on a song you talked about like a month ago called the ballad of harbour and samuelson i guess our last names are kind of the same as theirs her wits and bloomin fell yeah yeah just about the same syllable wise yeah um harbour i should change my last name to harbour

i mean that was incredible that was incredible that was just that was just ace that was absolutely ace with the jerry bryant cover i mean my god my whole entire family is going to love that do you think he was doing an accent or he's an irish man i think he was i mean jerry bryant i believe it's just from like massachusetts so i think it's just kind of like a uh uh burl to the voice i don't think it's much of an accent i thought that guy was doing an uh might get yeah maybe it's a little yeah i guess it's irish yeah it might i mean or maybe just doing the jerry and bryant impression which is very folksy like that adventure uh that's matthew kazakas kazakas kazakas he actually he also sent chords so you can play this song on the axe

that's fucking savage i wish i weren't in the headgum studio so far away from my axe right now yeah what uh what are what are the chords i mean there's just a lot of classics in here yeah it's gotta be like the c g dg or something c to a minor oh yeah that's good yeah and then to f to g okay yeah yeah yeah i mean those are really the standard four yeah c oh yeah c four g seven nice i know the g seven that's a great chord yeah it's a really good chord yeah then it goes back to c mm cool c is a great chord too it's kind of weird that every song every song is just like four chords like is there enough permutation of these chords that make every song ever yeah i mean i think so but there's also there are more than four so um but you know there's the

the major chords you'll rarely see a b you do see him like you do see him yeah this song is b to fucking e like that's that's not happening that's actually a nice chord progression b to e yeah i was gonna say nothing like an e minor though yeah e minor i know because it's just those two two is easy yeah b i don't even know what that looks like really like what's the b b it it almost looks like a power chord it's the it's the the second string down on the second fret uh with your with your entire thing no just the the the second string the second string that's good and then you know from the the top uh and then then below that on the fourth uh on the fourth fret uh you have the next two covered so it's like those kind of those like middle three right yeah i

on whatever reason fourth fret b completely escapes me i never i never see it i never deal with it i never have to play it i never play b it's a it's a nice sounding chord no it's a nice sounding it's a bad chord it really is yeah it's a bad not recorded really just kidding last week yeah i do i wonder how that ended up sounding we sort of just sent the audio to grim and he'd like piece it together i never verified right well at least now i'm in an echoey room this room is certainly i'm i'm hearing the echo more and more yeah also the zoom the video stopped recording on your end at a certain point too yeah we have a you know a professional operation that's backed by vcs and we still jerry rigg our podcast every single week cobbled together garbage trash

when we record in the la office it looks and sound amazing when we do it ourselves yeah we've we're getting worse but we're in a we're in a transition phase right now so it's hard there's a lot of variables is the problem like there's my internet your internet your tv your your computer my computer the recording the zoom recording locally putting it all together for everything to go perfectly right requires 10 kind of 40 chances to align yeah did that gentleman have anything to plug yeah he had this um gofundme situation but as we are running out of time yeah let's say a quick namaste to matthew and we're on our merry way do you want to mention the gofund was it like for charity medical expenses yeah charity okay medical charity expenses some medical charity

expenses i think i archive the email you can unarchive but we can even edit edit this part out so you'll just leave it in leave it and i feel bad we i mean you should feel bad i would if i were you i would want this part edited out because you're sort of like sweeping a good cause under the rug we huff and we puff and we blow your house down we the colors of norway floating behind no he didn't have anything to promote wow yeah all right well he's promoting the ballad of harvoh and samuelson which again is an incredible song everyone should listen to it i'm gonna ask him if that's his real accent or if he was doing a voice um if you response during the podcast we'll get back to you guys all right cool love it we're getting a lot of emails about theme song

so thanks for sending those in but we need more questions so send everything to if i reassure gmail.com that's right here's a few that we did get some really really sexy questions actually interesting yeah i should say this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm josh um okay uh how bad of a guy am i so this guy is wondering how bad of a guy he is okay let's see if we can answer his question all right cool we'll call him i mean who's a bad guy billy we'll call him billy eilish but it's like a guy named billy eilish interesting why is billy eilish a bad guy because she has a song called i'm a bad guy yeah it's a really popular song okay here we go first time listener 26 year old male in a

relationship with a 26 year old girlfriend we started fighting regularly it seemed like in every fight there were multiple miscommunications with us having very different ideas of what happened she would say i said something i would frequently think i didn't say it felt like gas lighting and it was making me crazy with all this fighting and miscommunication i brought up the idea of recording our fights so that we could listen back to them and recognize the problems we were having to fix them she didn't like the idea i asked her why and she didn't have a reason she just didn't want to do it a few weeks later we were having a particularly bad fight where we were talking about breaking up and i thought fuck it i'll record this one without telling her oh i didn't

tell her about recording the fight and ended up recording a few other fights over the next couple months see the floodgates were kind of open on the recording thing then last week we were fighting and she brought up the things that i say and she'll call me out for saying them and i'll say i didn't even say that then i said i've recorded some of our fights and there are multiple instances of you saying i said something that i didn't say uh this as you could guess did not go over well she was super pissed in my head what i did is not actually that bad it's obviously not cool to go behind your partner's back and do something they are not comfortable with you doing but she insists that there was something else that makes it very bad and won't tell me what

if i ever had told her it would uh it would have had no effect on her i was just trying to recognize mistakes i was making in fights am i crazy did i do something that bad or is my girlfriend gaslighting me again there's that word people like saying gaslighting a lot yeah it's good but it's it's a very good phrase i feel like it it conveys almost exactly what it is which is somebody accusing you of something that you didn't do well it's it's just somebody that is intentionally or not riling you up like usually intentional or usually not i don't i think that there's probably different different degrees i don't think it's like outright intentional where it's like i'm gonna

fucking gas like this person but i think that like it's a it's just a communication style that a lot of people have that is like unhealthy and i think that like not addressing it is almost at this point akin to doing it on purpose so in this version it's like how can you say that you don't think that and he's like i never said that you're gaslighting me basically trying to convince me that i'd said something that i didn't say yeah it's essentially like drawing him into a fight that he doesn't want to be in and didn't deserve to be in necessarily and so he said why don't i get a fucking court stenographer to read back exactly what i said to you yeah which i mean i think that idea on its own has some merit i do feel like recording

a argument actually makes it a little more civil because once you know you're being recorded you'll probably just behave a little bit differently um that said she did not know she was being recorded so and that's the crux of the short the bad part of the deal right you knew the recording was happening it probably made you fight differently you almost it's almost like you baited her into having a different type of fight like i think the playing field wasn't exactly level um because people are a little they'll probably you know measure their their words differently when they're on the record that's right she didn't know she was on the record she thought it was off the record uh so that's one of the things the other one is that you brought it up she said no and then

you violated her trust which is a big deal that's another big no no that's a no no um the third thing i'll say even though you didn't didn't ask is just that it sounds like you guys should break up does it the constant fighting the recording the backs having i think the relationship is broken i think that's okay i think you run its course you gave it a shot why not just call it quits because you're not happy she's not happy um you know read your email back don't sound like it's a good thing 26 years old is a classic breakup age too you're gonna want to break up at 26 and you're both 26 yeah i think 26 is the time when you sort of start to think like oh i want to be an adult like i want my relationship to work i'm old enough that these are supposed to be real lasting relationships

this could end in marriage um so you maybe have like a little more hesitance around walking away hanging it up you don't want to start over but yeah i would say there is life after 20 there's life for relationship after 26 that's right um so you can apologize during the breakup you can be like you know what this is so fucked up i'm sorry what are we doing yeah i'm going to record this just so you can play it to yourself later but i think we should not be together and then you unrecord and then you can play it over and over that's cool so you're sort of trolling slash instigating a new fight but it's okay because you're burning a bridge on the way out yeah that's an interesting way to go out to fully burn a bridge yeah and in fact we record this stuff over

zoom so you could almost do it over zoom you know there's a recording in progress so she hears it and she knows right and she has to click a button that says got it which is nice oh really is that how it works on your end yes it says recording in progress and then there's like a little button that i either uh can deny or say got it or like this yeah i can like leave or say that it's fine that's good that way she's for sure on the same page about it being recorded this whole thing reminded me of i just watched the um the ryan murphy show about the impeachment the monica luensky bill clinton scandal did you watch that one did you like it i watched the i watched the pilot and i was like oh fuck this i can't it was too boring i really liked it i liked those shows

the oj show the versace i loved the oj one yeah i loved the oj one i think it was all good to me right like a very very dramatized yes of course i think it's something i vaguely knew about but didn't know all the details of that's my sweet spot right i guess i should i probably should like it more but i i didn't yeah uh give it another try let's uh let's take a break why don't you watch the other nine episodes and let me know what you think really i'd have to go home yeah go home watch the nine episodes i think we could talk about in the second act all right i'm interested uh all right let's take a break thanks some sponsors come back and answer more questions on the other side of these messages you got it thank you to helix sleep for sponsoring this

episode of our show hell yes thank you for making the sleep test the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress yes uh yeah so helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you yeah right jake's been ragging about completing this two minute honestly like buzzfeed light quiz i don't how do you sleep for the better part of the decade i do not i do not brag i don't brag about completing it i brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great or yeah i got the perfect mattress thank god thank god i took that test that's right and if you want the perfect mattress you can go to helix sleep dot com slash if i were you for 20 off all mattress orders and two free pillows

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and that gets you a free four week trial free postage and a digital scale that sounds pretty good thank you stamps dot com for sponsoring this show and we're back um i don't know if you actually went and watched nine episodes of american crime story impeach yeah i mean i think that's what makes you sort of a linda trip like you are quietly and secretly recording conversations with me a luinsky type i see because who did you have oral sex with at the company how was your first day you know who plays bill clinton in that oh great question clive oan and he's great oh wow that's good he does a very good clinton he just doesn't get too rattled even though the world you think you're stressed out imagine like you built your entire life up and now your marriage is crumbling

in a public fashion as the republicans are out to get you a ken star and colin hanks colin thanks oh wow what a cast it's a great cast i i highly recommend it that's my unsolicited advice but you said you had a funny story instead oh yeah i do have a story um so this morning i went to i joined a gym i joined the gym across the street from the office right baller um yeah and i signed up for a fitness class something i don't usually do but i like the peloton workouts i do like a guided workout every once in a while yeah so i said you know i had a long weekend i was like i'm gonna kick my butt on monday um long weekend you mean like no exercise and indulging in food or just sort of like a yeah no i yeah relaxing one um a little bit no not that one i exercised i had a

a beautiful day of exercise on saturday but then i did go out and get absolutely smashed on saturday night whoa and i was hung over on sunday so i did have to have a bacon egg and cheese and i did have to have a steak a cheese steak for dinner okay it's kind of the only way i could feel normal right um so then i decided i'm gonna exercise today i signed up for a class called cardio sculpt oh that sounds very difficult yeah and i was like oh this is like some kind of high intensity type oh no yeah that's hard i got there the class was around 20 to 30 people um the only other man in there was the instructor okay and what time was this this is at eight uh early pretty early pretty early i i mean i had to get up at like seven i'm on the subway at seven thirty in my class

is it kind of cold out or no no it's beautiful out everything everything's been great so far i get to the class in time i'm excited but then i see it's it's all women and i'm like i one i don't i wonder if this class is like am i weird for being here right um then the music starts and everyone kind of starts dancing and they all know style they all know the steps they sure do it's like you're hopping on on one on your left foot yeah so taking like a lightweight and like doing presses but then like you turn and you spin and you punch and it's like fucking fully core your and the instructor just keeps on yelling at me come on sir and he and he doesn't have to say your name because you're the only sir i'm the only sir there and he was encouraging me but i was doing

so badly that i was like more than once during the class i just like stood there laughing at myself because it was so fucking insanely dumb that i was there did you like sit or just leaving yes very briefly and i was like it's gonna be worse if i leave i think um so i'm like i'm gonna suffer through i'm gonna try to learn it but like the entire class like there's just a mirror that runs the whole length of the class so you're watching yourself in the mirror and like me so flat-footed and dumb next to 30 in sync ballerinas dancing with weights it was so funny there's like fucking spin moves and i don't know it was like yeah i basically i basically couldn't do anything you basically crashed a dance class intermediate level as a complete beginner yeah they should

have warned you right yeah it should have somewhere it should have said dance because it just said cardio and i'm like oh i can do your burpees yeah but no it was just a true zumba and how is the actual level of like uh cardio or like were you able to keep up was it hard on that level it was hard i mean like the moves that i could do for instance were like jumping jacks with um seven and a half pound weights in my hands wow so it's like and then like you jump you split and your arms are going like out up you know those are those are the moves that i could do it's kind of like the reverse lunge with the curl yeah squat pulses but it was all of the like kind of like dancing side to side which was about half the class that i just had to like

find my own way during everyone was spinning and i just didn't spin at the end of the class did you just like walk out give everyone a nod like sorry about that uh this won't happen again yeah i didn't i made a point to not stand up and put my weights back until everyone had kind of emptied out i stretched on the mat for a while so it was only me about five other women when it was over that's good yeah so yeah so i'll never i'll never take that class again for sure because i think i i got an only okay workout with the parts that i could do were very hard so i'm sure it was a very hard workout but since i couldn't do all of the like it's hard to to basically hop on one foot and with your other foot you're doing like a high kick at the same time is like pointing over here it

was like so and then yes i was like either i couldn't do anything or i was like about to pull my back if i just like started flailing my arms around with the weights did it turn you off to classes in general you're like all right i'll try another one next no i still i like classes i'll just never ever do one that i i don't think i'll try a new one anytime soon or maybe i'll do a little more research and did you work out after that or was that like all right that's a good call that a monday i hit the steam room after that but it's not called a monday yet i'm gonna go climbing this afternoon so wow two days yeah i'll get a two a day my new workout regimen is i've been calling it the three by three by three by five that's three by three yeah so in a given week in seven days

i'm lifting three times i'm doing cardio three times i'm climbing three times wow doing ab exercises five times ab exercises like sit-ups or like a full 45 minutes separate thing from the other no that just like sit-ups like an eight-minute abs tap like tagged into every one of those days basically wow wow that's a lot because i'm climbing is already kind of a weight workout yeah so i'll do i usually climb on on the days that i do a cardio so if i do a bike ride in the morning i'll climb in the afternoon or run in the morning or climb in the afternoon you know that's a lot yeah yeah it's a lot but summer's coming oh i see you got to have beach ready bodies by then that's the ideal oh yeah i'm also surfing i went surfing on friday did i tell you that

no that hurt your ribs didn't it yeah the first time uh it did hurt my ribs this time i waited until they felt mostly better and i was a little worried that i was just going to immediately re-aggravate it but i yeah it felt fine wait you took a surfing class yeah another one on friday this past friday in long island yeah rockaway same people as last time or this is a new situation rockway is actually queens um but uh no i was our friend amanda my friend lia i've been going with but they couldn't go this past week and i didn't know when we were going to be able to go again because i'm about to travel so i just went by myself wow and how was it the third time fourth time um it was better and worse at the same time this is my fourth time so so the waves the third

time i went the waves were like scary big they were like six feet and it was like a little bit too big the instructor was a little afraid for us yeah um and i basically stood up like once or twice but i got kind of wrecked uh like when this past wave finally crashes it hurt you yeah it was more about like i would essentially fall off just about every wave because they were so big and scary and then getting back out was just like a real endeavor because they're crashing all over you right and it's kind of cold out right aren't you going in the morning east coast style yeah it was this time when i went it was pretty warm it was like 50 degrees the water was like in the 50s and you wear a thick wetsuit so i couldn't even i was like hot this time i couldn't feel it last

time i was a little cold like at one point a wave just hit me in the face and the water went down the back of my wetsuit i was like oh it is insanely cold right it's insanely cold but this time it felt really good um and the waves were a little smaller they were like three feet so i was able to stand up again but i'm now i'm doing the you know how when we surfed uh we got the push the push really goes a long way yeah that's when the instructor literally shoves your board because you're a little child and you can't quite get them forward momentum yourself yeah the first time we surfed was in mexico and they didn't even let me look back they would just be tell me to paddle and then they would push the board and then yell stand so it was yeah i was surfing but i wasn't

learning to surf really it was turn key yeah and then in the rock waves i was the guy was still pushing me but he was kind of telling me you know to look back and like try to judge a wave then this last time i was paddling for my own waves wow which essentially just meant that i missed every single one because you couldn't time it right because there was a guy yelling at you push push push and literally pushing your board yeah exactly so i would he'd like paddle paddle paddle i'm paddling i'm paddling as hard as i fucking can my arms are about to fall off i feel the wave coming paddle paddle paddle paddling so hard it like it feels like i'm maxing out in the shoulder press and then the wave just passes passes you by yeah and then

i try to stand but i'm just standing in after the wave absolutely yeah it's over so were you able to time it right where you do you have to just start earlier um i think i yeah i think i need to i think i need to place my board in a better place and maybe try to be a little more selective about which waves i'm going for yeah because like i'm paddling for some that are gonna break too late for me to actually be able to like stand up on them so but but at least it's a workout the very least yeah exercise it's definitely a workout and i stood up a few times so it's really fun and i think i love it didn't you also go paintballing recently for the first time yeah which i tell you did i tell you about the paintballing oh you're just trying all these unique exercise experiences

recently well the surfing the surfing is like a real hobby that i want to you know um what's the word uh absorb into my life i want to i want to work that one in paintballing was for my brother in law's bachelor party and that one was like would you say it didn't take as much as the surfing did i had i definitely had more fun than i thought i was going to oh that's good i was like when i was going i was like i'm a little afraid and i don't think i'm gonna have that much fun and then when i was there i was like probably a little more afraid because the the balls definitely hurt yeah yeah and i mean i this was three weeks ago and i still have a well um the my inner thigh from from one of those things right i think if i i would totally go again and they were like oh

just wear clothes you don't really care about it's like no but we saw people that when we got there at like that took it seriously and they're wearing tactical gear and pads and stuff it's like i was wearing an old sweatshirt and what they don't put you in fatigues don't be like dress you up no no the you can buy that stuff if you want so i bought a pair of gloves because i didn't have one and i did get hit in the fucking knuckle and it hurt like hell doesn't it seem like this would not be legal like it would hurt too much to actually do like this is part of the game being this hurt it's not like something went wrong and you were bleeding totally and there's i mean what they give you they give you the mask and that's it so it's that's important but there's a there's a lot of it's

blind but there's still a lot of exposure like the back of your head is exposed and yeah your neck is not a helmet yeah your neck your ear your ear is exposed your fucking neck um maybe not your ear no not your ear but like the back of it yeah what about like your Adam's apple you can just get fucking welted yeah exposed absolutely exposed i had a die like if someone hits you point blank in the house with a paintball it seems kind of like it because those things fly they're so hard and they don't always break i got hit by one like three times and it just didn't break and i would like so i'd like go to i thought i was out i'm like okay i have to leave but they're but i'm just like looked and it didn't break i'm like well fuck no i'm still i'm still here did you were you like

laughing when you got here were you like ah that like really fucking hurt um i probably the second one i mean i like smiled so like this is insane but i it did like it hurt a lot yeah and um but it was cool because like when it really does feel like flight or fighter fighter what is it fighter flight oh fighter flight yeah uh like it's probably the longest stretch of time in a while that i was just doing something that all i thought about was that immediate moment of like don't get shot where are they where is it where is the paint coming from how do i survive you couldn't be on your phone during it no you couldn't check out at all so it did we did like probably 10 or 15 games in total wow it's like two two sides and there's different like kinds of barriers

and you're just trying to shoot everyone in that team it's almost like dodgeball get everybody out and then we changed courses a few times uh one time we played a fun game called president where my my brother-in-law he was the president he had no gun and their job was to just bring him over into like our the back of our line without him getting shot that's so and they were trying to assassinate yeah we're trying to assassinate him and then we also played one because dan my sister my sister's fiance is kind of insane uh and he made he had the the like paintball instructor make a video of him uh with no gun just sprinting around and everyone shooting him jackass style

he got absolutely smoked yeah um but then the last thing this i'll tell this one quick because we would like this we did a uh free for all last man standing melee battle royale and it was just like absolute mayhem all of us all over this like um this field that looked kind of like a destroyed city it had like three uh dilapidated cars and some like weird tree houses and buildings and stuff yeah um fully felt like you're in call of duty and it was every man for himself everyone out there was trying to kill you and i and i won wow you won yeah how many people did you kill um 12 and then what was it like when it was down to the last two you were just running around trying to shoot the other person while they tried to shoot you yeah it was what was great because

like i i knew where this guy was and i basically left my fort my little hiding spot without him i shot it i shot i was shooting at him a bunch kind of like making him take cover and not know where i was and then when i found my new cover he was still shooting at my old spot um and then i saw sort of opened fire on him from a new location he was exposed he had to run out and i and i hit him while he was running yeah it was like a fun strategy you said hold on hold on i have to go to the bathroom this part doesn't count do not touch me and then you open fire you said shit i'm out i think i tore my fucking Achilles don't shoot me and then when he took his mask off to help me

me shot him in the nose oh another lonely and horny episode ah i fucking tore my ACL help help everybody's comes over to help you 20 minutes later the vibe is clearly changed that's when you open fire on people that's right uh all right well there you have it so there's um paint paul there's a zumba class and surfing i mean you're getting it from all sides here yeah that's right summer's coming you have to be active uh okay let's take another break uh thanks for sponsoring come back on the other side of this uh messages yeah thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast you know aura

frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire headgum network jake wow that's correct i mean this might be the goat father's day gift i think it actually is yeah yeah not just father's day but if for any uh not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time yeah for me personally these things are perfect i'll tell you why as you know i am expecting yeah uh my first child we got one for jill's parents oh wow we got one for jill's grandma holy smokes we got one for my parents so there are three of these bad boys uh in our family right now but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen it's really

nice oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo yeah frame this is actually how we how we told jill's grandma she was pregnant we got her the aura frame we plugged it in jill's grandma was pregnant really nice asshole this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it i was just being goofy a little bit like uh this is how i told my grandma she was pregnant yeah yeah kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way by the way jill's jill's grandma is pregnant oh my god jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool and you told me with a digital photo frame holy smokes and we let her

know with an aura yeah thank you the aura announcement uh so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app add me to your aura app i'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny yeah like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter yeah yeah exactly you can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame yeah it's a great gift a really really iconic gift and right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames that's a u r a frames dot com and our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping

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getting professional licensed help uh and it's extra affordable that's better help h e l p dot com slash if i were you check them out thanks better help all right we're back uh let's try to answer some questions yeah about time about time enough of your active routine we have to figure out if this person should try to get his fiancee's sister pregnant uh what yeah so this guy we'll call him frankie the finance fiance says my fiancee sister and her husband have been trying to have a baby for a year and a half with no luck the next step is to try IVF but they're very scared about the process but here's the thing i think i could get the job done oh my god the husband is a shrimpy little fellow who just doesn't strike me as viral virile uh something about this overall

vibe just screams i don't know how to pass my genes on biologically let alone if they are even worth passing on at all i just feel so bad for my fiancee sister she wants a kid so badly and it's not going to be able to help so should i offer my services to her should i run it by my fiance first so she can help me broach the topic with her sister i'm sure the husband will be grateful i'm very handsome thanks for the advice wait he's offering to fuck his fiancee sister or they can just use the sperm i mean we'll figure out the details later the real question is right now is it that well that's what i'm curious about is that is it is that is it the sperm like can you just be a sperm donor or do they have to have sex let's say it's the sex is that is

because is it if it's IVF i don't i guess i don't understand how IVF works yeah IVF i think they take the the semen and the eggs and they put it in a together in a lab somewhere right so in theory he is just he's gonna do IVF with his own sperm or have sex with her but if they're afraid about IVF it feels like he's just offering to fuck her either one i'm kind of intrigued about how to broach the topic i wouldn't i just i don't think i would you would be like i don't think i would good luck and good night yeah i mean you want to at least say by the way if you guys would be down like this is not anything i would be against right well then i guess you should wait until like there's a family dinner where everyone's kind of all press like easter easter just passed what's

the next one fourth of july but it should be a religious one it should be a memorial dish hodesh oh yeah the real day is not bad or the end of paysoch yeah pass over yom kapoor yeah so you guys are at a at a dinner table maybe eating lasagna things are tense right and ideally you interrupt uh like unrelated but i could fucking get you pregnant i bet just because he looks kind of like he can't pass his jeans on so i'll take my jeans off sorry i have a really small throat i was born with a narrow opening and i still got this far i thought it's the only thing that's narrow oh god i'm shitting myself

i have like i think i have like some sort of like ulcerative colitis or some shit oh my god thank god i'm so freaking good socially otherwise it wouldn't get by yeah i don't think this is something you can bring up um yeah unfortunately you uh you're very i don't even want to say polite to offer but it's i guess nice it's sort of nice but i i i guess your intentions seem a little dubious yeah do they not do they not yeah i mean especially if it's about actual sex a lot of people wouldn't do this they wouldn't be like i don't want to give my jeans to a child that i wouldn't be able to raise yeah well i mean i think you also that's

that's interesting it's true i don't know would you be okay with that hard if a a friend of yours came to you and said can we borrow your sperm for our child would you be like no i like i kind of want to save it for my children would you be like yeah it doesn't matter what do i care probably depend on the friend let's say it was i don't know amanda who you went surfing with oh yeah i would definitely do that you'd give her yeah no moral problems about having a child out there that's not necessarily yours no and i think that would be nice because it would it make me closer with amanda and i'd probably be close to her child that'd be cool yeah you'd be a half on sorts yeah but if it was someone i didn't think would be a good parent if you asked me

i would know i don't think i think i could do it i want to put my bloodline in on your incapable yeah exactly yeah exactly right i wonder if like something tragic happened and the child was killed would you like would i feel guilty like oh sorry about that i know you sort of went on a limb for me left the old thing in the ocean awkward let's do one more now that i know what the rules are i would think we would all be sad but definitely the way you're behaving now is is a good reason for why i don't go like this i love lucy sketch yeah this is gonna sound random slash sad but but you know how i went to the beach with your blood your fly child your life yeah just this yeah one in the same

and now do you notice how it's just me here so guess what happened that awkward moment when the swell took my childish slash yours out to sea and gave him a low key viking funeral i haven't been back to the beach in a minute but he might have washed up totally fine i wouldn't put it past the dude he's a fucking these are her wits through it after all you're a fish you know that this is for our fifth episode of stuck where yeah we're stuck emotionally in this case yeah we have to write that by the way i think i would i would be okay with that too because it's like all the um kind of curiosity of having a child without necessarily any of the responsibility so it's like oh no i could see what my bloodline would look like

but at the same time i don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to handle the feedings and the trials and tribulations raising a child it's like your neighbor getting a puppy you're like oh great or roommate play yeah yeah i could play with this dog but it won't it won't really interfere with my life i think i can say with great certainty that donating your seed slash sperm is literally the equivalent of a roommate getting a cat like there's zero difference on a grand cosmic like i don't know zoomed out scale i guess if you zoom far enough out where nothing really matters like all the way out we're like yeah we're a pebble we're all done a fucking right grand in that sense that yes it nothing completely disappear one day right totally all of our heroes

mean nothing yes exactly blink of an eye on the cosmic timeline i do think no matter how you bring it up if you if people start saying that they want to donate cum instead of sperm or semen it's extra funny it's like yeah i went to a come back and you can't give it then you've disqualified yourself i wanted to do i wanted to give the gift of my cum to people that um can't have children of their own sounds worse yeah i thought you swung from my cum the sperm bank has to give you the dq i think they can't accept it at that point but i mean they might hear the the whole um you lost your kid in the ocean tight uh the joke that was a goof that was a bit that was a locker room talk locker room talk do you know anybody that's actually donated sperm for money it's a very

funny way of like raising cash but i don't know anyone that's ever actually done it no i don't think i i i also don't i'm is how much cash do you even get for it i don't think very much can't be very much right it was just be about like the the the story yeah the joy of getting $70 to masturbate in an office usually you get in trouble for that kind of shit i know i did yeah all right uh thanks for um writing in those really thoughtful questions whether they be about whether or not you should impregnate your fiancee's sister or anything else in the world that seems to be ailing you yeah that's right uh we open this episode with an amazing theme song submission so keep those theme song submissions and questions

coming uh if i were you show at gmail.com for all of it and uh of course these are being recorded as video episodes that you can watch on your damn right our youtube channel and there's more of us goofing around watching jake and amir videos on our patreon patreon.com slash j a ja ja ja of course we'll be back next week as always forever and ever yeah thanks for listening everybody let's end with that classic harvoh and samuelson song again hell yeah thank you i can't hear it there it is in brooklyn new york at the turn of the century lived two young comedians so joey schankoy a mere bloominfeld was a half man half chip monk jake her wits was known as the pinch as a boy

now these two fine men they created a podcast they give out advice never missing a week dating and wordle and troubles with housemates they answer our questions with wisdom we seek well here's what i'd do if i were you cried her wits and bloominfeld every monday two hardy young podcasters after adventure you're listening now yesterday is the day now on this here show there are certain awards a sturdy of brown and a mic of pure gold her wits has hoisted near 500 gold mics he's humbled and chuffed and by god he is cheese but sour and hunched sitting in his dark corner the chip monk does nothing but protest and wine his nasty demeanor will land him the turdy not once and not twice but every damn time well here's

what i'd do if i were you cried her wits and bloominfeld every monday two hardy young podcasters after adventure you're listening now yesterday is the day that was a hit gum original