If I Were You - 538: Chess Lessons

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

In this episode we discuss mixing drinks, changing names, and checking mates. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm. Download the IMPACT by Interactive Brokers app today and use code IFIWEREYOU to get $30 of stock credit! Note: The podcast ad for the IMPACT app is unscripted and being recorded live. It may contain some slight differences. Please visit https://impact.interactivebrokers.com/ for full details of products and services. Interactive Brokers, LLC member FINRA/SIPC. The projections or other information generated by IMPACT app regarding the likelihood of various investment outcomes are hypothetical in nature, do not reflect actual investment results and are not guarantees of future results. Please note that results may vary with use of the tool over time. The paid ad host experiences and testimonials within the Podcast may not be representative of the experiences of other customers and are not to be considered guarantees of future performance or success. The opinions provided within the ad belong to the host alone.   See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Can you hear that? My guitar is broken, so is my heart It'll be okay on the other side of heart I can't park my car, and I can't play my guitar It'll be okay on the other side of heart If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, this show starts now Wow.

Very nice, soothing. Absolutely. A day one all the way up until the day, whatever last week's episode was, 500 songs. Amazing. The whole run. It was a cover of our first theme song, which was you playing the guitar and singing, or maybe me singing. I believe I played and sung. And then also a song that we made up a few weeks ago called The Other Side of Heart,

which I'm sort of claiming ownership over the idea slash book, music and the book by me. The IP 360 intellectual property. We own it in perpetuity. Basically it's trademark slash licensed under us. So when you send us a theme using that, even though you think you're being cute, that is a lawsuit that is a cease and desist. And we will be suing you into oblivion. You understand that.

So just by submitting it, he's being sued basically. Yeah, right. Yeah. Every email we get, every forward that's passed along, links, questions is an affidavit slash subpoena to meet our asses in court. Right. We will enter litigation if you think we'll settle out of court. You are mistaken.

You're absolutely mistaken because we like going to court. We like trying the case. We will bury you in legal fees. And ourselves in the process. You don't want to fight us because we are slowly eroding our capital to the point where we can't basically have the legal funds to fight these battles. These are losing efforts. We have nothing to lose.

We have nothing to lose, though. We're the most dangerous kind of opponent because it doesn't matter to us. Win, lose, or draw. As long as we've taken you down with us, then we're good. It's a kamikaze legal mission of sorts. Basically, you've been served your papers every time you email us a submission. So for example, that was Michael Daibert. Daibert.

Michael Daibert, yes. And you will be found guilty in the court of law and the public opinion. Right. Exactly. So it says, sorry about the poor audio quality. That's something that we could sort of hang our legal piece on. Exactly. Right.

Yeah. You just waved your fifth amendment rights, buddy. I just did it as a voice memo and sent it with no edits. That's basically, I've said it before, but that's an affidavit. That's an affidavit. Yeah. That's an admission of guilt. It's a settlement.

It's a settlement. That is a mea culpa come to Jesus moment. A fucking confession at the 11th hour. I mean, my God, you're done. It absolutely was a mea culpa. That's right. It's an admission of guilt on two acts, actually. Plagiarism and vehicular manslaughter.

A both of the third degree. Yeah. And we'll actually take you to, what is it? One is like for cash and the other one is for punishment or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a civil case in a federal case or something. Yeah.

So we're going to do the civil one and then we're also going to do the other one, the one where like OJ got sent to jail or he owed cash, but he didn't go good at prison or anything like that. Yeah. You'll be tried twice. You'll be tried twice. It's a civil suit. From two uncivilized brutes.

Yes. And you have nothing to stand on. You don't have a leg to stand on because we represent ourselves. We represent ourselves in and out of court. That's right. He has nothing to plug. So now I kind of feel, now I feel kind of bad. Yeah.

Because he kind of did that out of the kindness of his own heart. Right. And his name is Nemo according to this email signature. So thank you Nemo. It's a cute name. Cool. I need Nemo. Thank you.

All right. This is if I were you. The only advice pod on the web hosted by both me and you. I'm Amir. I am Jake. You flew. You were in Texas like just earlier today. This morning.

I woke up in Dallas. Jesus. The day before. Yeah. The day before I woke up in Austin. So we are. How did you get from Austin to Dallas? I drove.

I drove a Buick enclave. Wow. Everybody packed into that car. Yeah. Because we, we brought merch with us. So I figured it was easier to haul all the boxes in the car than check them and stuff. And it was, it was really, it was a nice drive. And how, yeah.

How long is that drive? Little under three hours, like two hours, 45 minutes. And through the heartland of Texas, just parts of Texas you don't necessarily think about. Yeah. You know, you go through Waco. It's, it's, I mean, it's so small though. Like Texas is such a big state. Those two cities are pretty close to each other.

Yeah. Two and a half hours in Texas. Yeah. Yeah. It's a small chunk of Texas. Any funny Texas stories? Ooh. Or did everything just go according to plan?

You know, everything, everything did go pretty smoothly. I don't think there was anything that was like. You never saw like a crazy guy with a gun by accident or something like that. Or maybe like a fan or something without teeth. And he was sort of interrupting the live podcast. We certainly saw a lot of Austin loves President Trump signs. They were outside of Austin, admittedly. So I don't know how much Austin loves him, but definitely surrounding Austin.

They do. I see. So there's sort of a red highlight in the blue island, in the red island. Yeah. I think, I think that seems about right to me. That's cool. But the shows, those are NAD pod shows. That's why I wasn't there.

If anybody's listening to confused. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't have you go on this one, but. I thought it was kind of weird. Yeah. Yeah. After we're people like, where's you go?

Is you go going to come? I wonder if you go is here or anything like that. Did you? Have you ever asked about you go at a live show? You are not missed nor desired to be there. I wonder if somebody like thought that, but didn't feel comfortable asking. I could imagine that because we're on stage with microphones like during a show and they'd probably have to heckle to say, where is you go?

Where is you go? Yeah. Right. Yeah. I hope that doesn't happen at a live show. I gave some brazen asshole an idea. Some jackass who now wants to be a part of the show is going to yell it. He's going to fucking work himself up to it too.

Yeah. Convince his friends that he's going to get hammered enough to yell about you go. Absolutely. Yeah. And I appreciate that. Actually, talking about getting wasted, we actually got a very interesting question about giving somebody the gift of whiskey for their birthday. Love that.

I love whiskey. We'll call this guy Jack. All right. Jack Daniels. Right. Yeah. That's what I was going to say. I recently came to some cash and my best friend's birthday was coming up.

So I said, fuck it. Let's get this dude an expensive bottle of whiskey. He's not like a whiskey guy or anything, but he's not opposed to liquor. So I buy an $87 bottle and give it to him and he's quite pleased with the gift. Fast forward a few days later and we're hanging out and he breaks out the bottle into my horror. He starts mixing it with Coke. This is an expensive liquor and I call him out on it and I tell him that he should sip it instead.

He says he doesn't really like whiskey by itself and would rather mix it and proceeds to make a mixed drink with it for the rest of the night. Is it weird that I'm bothered by this? I know he was going to do this. If I knew he was going to do this, I would have just gotten a bottle of Jack or something. There it is. But on the other hand, once I give him the gift, it's his to do with what he pleases and I shouldn't be upset because it doesn't affect me at all.

What do you guys think? Love the new episode. Love NADPOD. You guys rule. Seize the cheese and Todah. Gracias. I believe Marie Kondo says a gift once given has served its purpose. It's not about what you're doing with it or what the recipient is doing with it.

You have given the gift. You've shown your affection and that is the purpose of the gift. It has been fulfilled. Why are you looking at me like that? I don't think so. I'm developing this new sort of character called the I don't think so gopher. Whenever you say things that I don't necessarily agree with, he starts rearing his ugly head to the point where he's sort of gnawing on wood by the end of it like a woodchuck or something like that.

I actually kind of love the I don't think so gopher. That's really cool. I feel like that's a character that both of us can inhabit. What are you talking about? How would you possibly be able to pull that off? I would just be able. Do you think that you're the only one that you think that you're the only one that can say the tagline? I don't think so.

See? That was actually fairly accurate. I was hoping you'd mess it up, but fuck. I don't think so. That's a golden mic. What? For who? For me, for coming up with a big, for doubling the output of I don't think so gopher.

That's just an idea off the top of the dome that we could both do it. Yeah, the idea was mine. Your idea was to do it as well. There's no way that's just a mic for you because I would get it too. I would get one and you would dump your piggyback up. Let's award it to the I don't think so gopher. I don't think so. That's not what he sounds like.

No way. I made up the voice. 80 seconds ago, I made up the voice. I don't think so. I embody the voice. This is so, so fucked up. It's bizarre. But I know a gift one's given has run its course, so I guess.

Not run its course. Not necessarily run its course, but served its purpose. Do you disagree? You said I don't think so. No, I don't know what to think. I guess I can just be in a agreeable aunt about it. What would that sound like? Yeah, I can see that.

I don't think so. I don't think agreeable aunts gonna stick. Maybe agreeable aunt eater. Because otherwise it sounds like somebody's dad's sister. Or mom's sister. Yeah, he sort of nailed it at the end there when he said, once I hand him the gift, it's his to do with what he pleases and I shouldn't be upset because it doesn't affect me at all.

It's not like he appreciated the gift. He broke it out. He cracked it with you, which I actually do think is a really classy move when you have a nice expensive bottle of liquor, you know, you wait and you share it with a person. Yeah. That's nice. And yeah, it's not like you were necessarily going to drink it

once you gave it to him. So the fact that he opened it and gave it to you a little bit, there you go, that's nice. And maybe it's actually good. Do you ever have whiskey with coke? I know that's a very classic way to have it, but I don't think I've ever seen you have soda with whiskey. No.

I mean, a long time ago I did. I used to have like Jack and Coke in college. It's good because it kind of tastes like Coca-Cola, which is nice. Yeah. I mean, it's a really effective mixer because Coca-Cola is so sweet. Powerful, yeah. Yeah. But now I like the taste of whiskey, so I don't like to dilute it.

What about old-fashioned? Isn't that sort of like the first step towards a whiskey coke? It's like a sweetener whiskey? Yeah. And I really, and I prefer whiskey on the rocks to an old-fashioned, but sometimes when I go out, it's fun to get a little fancy cocktail. But I think taste-wise, I actually might like whiskey more, just on its own. Also, nobody ever says a whiskey Pepsi.

Like that seems to be pretty similar, but like nobody would dare say that. Can I have a whiskey Pepsi? Do you have a whiskey Pepsi or anything like that? We have a whiskey Coke. Right. I'll let me just do a vodka Pepsi then. It's surprising to me that Pepsi does as well as it does. It seems like it's completely lost the game to Coke.

Yeah. And yet you still see a lot of ads for it. Yeah. Maybe there are full states of Pepsi drinkers out there that never have Coke. I think there are. I mean, there are definitely like big-ass licensing deals where like stadiums and movie theaters only will serve Pepsi. Yeah.

The Pepsi halftime show. Right. Right. Yeah. I can't remember the last time I either had a Pepsi, ordered a Pepsi, seen someone drink from a can of Pepsi. It's just, it feels like something from 1989 or something like that. I think I'm also at the point where like if I was trying to get a Coke and somebody said

we only have Pepsi, I might say never mind. Really? Yeah. I'm that brand loyal. Yeah. I don't drink soda enough to know the difference. I can't be able to tell. What if I even fucking prefer Pepsi?

Yeah. I mean, we people used to do those blind taste tests and I feel like Pepsi might have even performed better in them. They're probably not that different, but it's like I'm just a Coke guy. I'm doing a fucking Google image search and I don't think I've ever seen somebody just house one of these blue canisters of Pepsi, not even diet, just a fucking can of Pepsi. You're doing a Google image search of what, people drinking Pepsi? No, just the cans.

They're just so blue and new to me. Oh yeah. Yeah. A blue can of Pepsi. Maybe on an airplane. Oh, on an airplane, I think it's Coke. Actually, I guess maybe on different airlines, maybe they have different deals, but on Delta, it's Coca-Cola, you better believe.

What are you about to say? I've been fucking around with drinking Coca-Cola again. Really? Yeah. I basically cut it out of my diet entirely, but now every few weeks, unlike a cheat meal, I'll be like, fuck it, I'll have a Coke. Not diet either, just like the full-on red can. Just the real deal, sugar, teeth rotting Coca-Cola.

Yeah. And it's good. It's like a dessert. Yeah. It's incredible. I might be a ginger ale guy, not that I think about it. You are. You always get a ginger ale on an airplane.

I know, but now that I don't fly anymore, maybe I'll just get some from my house and I'll get little plastic cups to drink. Oh, yeah, like the really wide plastic cups that are- They're thin and slippery, yeah. Yeah. Why is that the cup that they went for on the flight? It feels like it's- Maybe because you can see through it.

You can see through other cups, plastic cups. It should have a wider base. Right, because you're on a plane. All right. I've seen so many of them spill. Yeah. Okay, let's take a break. Think some sponsor.

Be back on the other side of these massages. Slash hard. Good. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir.

Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two-minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz about how you sleep for the better part of a decade. Excuse me, I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or-

Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Come on.

Yes, this is their best offer yet. And no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium, or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference. And they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com.com. So if I were you, that's 20% off.

Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office.

So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, Stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart. Running a business isn't cheap. So Stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates. Holy smokes. And for 25 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses.

So if one million businesses can trust Stamps.com, certainly you can too. Set your business up for success with Stamps.com today. Just sign up with promo code IfIWereYou for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code IfIWereYou.

And that gets you a free four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. And then we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a leather device. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

I don't, but I think you do. I've been taking chess lessons. Chess? Chess lessons? Is that, um, I don't think so. Nice. I actually haven't, but I've been thinking about it. So I've sort of been, you know, telling people I have to gauge their reaction.

Do you think it's a good idea for me? That is such insane behavior. You think you want. So I've been, I've been thinking of taking chess lessons. Right. And I've been sort of dipping my toe in the water by telling people I have to see what they think about that for me. And I guess it's a greater good.

I see. That's kind of interesting. It's kind of, yeah. Yeah. So here's my thought process. One, if you're staring at your phone all the time and like playing fucking games that don't necessarily flex your brain like a Wordle or something like that. Yeah.

Or even worse, social media. Is it better to just fucking launch a chess app and start playing chess? Is that like, I mean, being really good at chess is kind of impressive and probably takes a lot of brain power. Yeah. I guess it's, it's kind of interesting because you could be, I feel like if you're just good at chess, then you're, you'll beat everybody that you would need to beat, you know? Right.

Like if we're on a retreat and playing chess and I destroy everybody, that's pretty cool. Right. Yeah. You think you need lessons and to become great at chess to do that? I wonder if you maybe just need a couple video, like, you know, almost like the Rubik's Cube thing. Yeah. Like you learn three different attacks.

Algorithms, right? And then I can figure out how to beat people. Well, I know how to play chess. I just don't know. Like I know the rules. I just don't know like a strategy. Right. I know what every single piece does, but if somebody, but as soon as somebody is like,

oh, I have a strategy and you're like falling into my trap, it's like game over. I will lose to that person every time. And I want to be that person. Right. So do you think you need lessons? I do. I think it'll be helpful for me to like actually talk to somebody who's good and like ask them like, and I also don't know like how mathy it is.

Like I'm good at poker because it's math related. Is chess math related or is it completely a separate part of your brain? Yeah. Because I guess it must be like vaguely math related. Yeah. There's definitely its strategy, which I feel like is access is the same part of your brain. Maybe. It's like regimented.

Yeah. We should play you and I just like share your screen. I see. And we like play around. Right. Yeah. Okay. And then should we do one where like, obviously we don't want to spend like an hour playing,

but I'm just saying like speed chess just to see who would win. Yeah. Let's let's do a couple moves. Okay. People watching on video can watch and then online chess against a friend. You think there's a way to play chess online for free. I don't want to like start signing up for an account and stuff like that right now. Yeah.

I want to like just send you a link and we're in a fucking game. You know, it feels like that should definitely happen. That should be that hard. There's chess online free.com. But this again, it seems like seems like, oh, create a game, play with a friend. There we go. Friend standard. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Okay. Wow. I'll be white. You be dark. Let's see.

Copy URL. Sending you the URL. And this is us playing speed chess having no insight or knowledge about chess strategy whatsoever. Yes. Definitely. God. And then after my lessons, I'll be able to just fucking no offense, but low key destroy you sort of. Actually, I've been talking to my chess coach a lot about you and he's really impressed with how you played that speed game.

All right. So are you in black pieces? Yes, I am. All right. Let me share my screen so we can share it again. These are being simulcasted video recorded so we can do some video stuff. And then we'll try to narrate for those of y'all who are just listening to the audio version. Okay.

Jake moved pawn to Bishop four. I didn't do anything yet. I moved rook. I've taken Jake's queen and chessmate. Chessmate. Chessmate. That's chessmate, mate. Okay.

Okay. Are you in? Yeah. All right. Yes. Okay. And once again, a fatal first move. Oh, okay.

He's moving, folks. We got the pawn. We got the pawns moving. Yeah. This is exciting. Okay. Very interesting, but not interesting enough. I'm moving my fucking knight.

How tight is that? So Mir just moved his little horsey and I'm thinking I'll do a little mirror image shit on the other side. Now you're moving the horsey. Now my horsey can take this pawn. I just took your pawn. Yeah, but that puts you in severe danger. Really? Because now my pawn might be able to take your horsey.

All right, dude. What if I fucking checkmated you right now? How random would that be? I'm serious. How fucking crazy would it be to have you in a checkmate this bad? It seems like it seems possible. I'm retreating my knight. My horsey is scared of your pawn.

Your horsey just got skittish and my horsey is on the attack. My horsey is British. Yay. Okay. Okay. I guess I'll do this. I'm going to move the pawn a little bit. I'm kind of scared already.

Yeah, definitely. I'm going to move my fucking queen. How random is that? Can you even do that? I don't know which one of these is my queen or the king. Okay, I moved my queen. Queen can just move diagonally as far as she freaking wants. Can not this person move diagonally?

I can't, right? Which one? This guy. Oh yeah, the bishop can. Bishop guy, okay. All right, so you have your queen. It looks like you're set up to take, I mean nothing really. Really?

Not even your bishop? My bishop. Well, if you took my bishop, then I would take you with my queen. You would sacrifice your queen or I would take you with my king. It's a strategy. It is a strategy. I'm actually working with my chess teacher slash coach on it. Interesting indeed.

Let's see what I could do. I can't move these pawns now. Oh, I guess I'll just move this pawn. Protect my, where are you? You can't take my bishop. You're already fucking scared about this. Oh, that's a great block. Okay, here's my question.

Do you know this rule? Can a pawn eat whatever's in front of it or it can only eat diagonally? Only eat diagonally. I'm going to steal your fucking. If I steal your horse, then you'll steal my fucking queen, which I can't have. Could I steal your queen? Yeah, because if I fucking eat your horse right here, that bishop is right there. I'll take my queen.

But maybe that'll sort of open up the game. You don't want to lose your queen, I don't think. Yeah, that's sort of one of the first rules, but I am going ham a little bit. Right, we're trying to do a speed round, so I guess you should try to lose quickly. Right, we are not doing anything fast. All right, I'll fucking eat your horse. Let's see what happens. Okay, so that's queen to A6.

Yeah. In theory, Jake's bishop can now eat my queen. And my bishop has eaten the queen. Check. Is it? No. No. But it's fun to say that. So that's, for all those listening at home, that's bishop to A6.

This is insane, it's going to take so long for us to play. Okay, I'll move my pawn up here, see what happens there. That is a fatal, fatal mistake. How soy. See, this is what the chess lesson would be. Oh my God, what happened? Oh wait, you didn't take anything, did you? I didn't take anything, but that is a bishop to B4.

Okay, and B4, you fucking get any ideas. I'm going to put my knight in a sacrificial position. Right, and I guess I will, ultimately, this is called... Not take the bait. Really? Yeah. That move was called M Knight Shyamalan. Now my bishop can take yours, you fool.

That was insanely dumb, I thought... For some reason I was like, oh this is good, I'm set up to take Amir's bishop now. Not knowing that I had a move in between your two. You thought if you did it too quickly, like okay, let me get two out of the way before he moves his one. Yeah, definitely. That would be fun, wrinkle in chess. If you do two moves before the other person notices, you can get away with it. Alright, so now I'm definitely confused.

I'm scared. I'm a little shook by what's transpired. So I will be... Our castles have not moved, maybe you should start moving your castles. Yeah, well I can't do that. I'm going to keep this... I'll keep my pawns marching forward. That's pawn to H5.

That's good. Okay, and I'm going to sort of begin my attack slash offensive on your queen slash king by moving my bishop here. So you're supposed to be thinking three moves ahead, and you're not even thinking one. You're sacrificing bishops for no reason, man. Look what I did right there. That's actually a really interesting move. Why is that? Because I'm just sort of lodged in there, and you can't move your king forward, basically.

So if I can get somebody to that other spot that the only other spot that your king can move, then you're done for. Actually, you might be in checkmate anyway, because I guess your king is happy there, but you can't move to the left or the right. Why can't I move to the left? Because you can't move to the left because the bishop will eat you. You can't move forward because the bishop will eat you. Your only source of retreat is where the queen is, so you can't even move there either. So which one is the queen? Oh, it's with all the prongies.

Yeah. Okay. But I mean, yeah, it's not a check. The check is when I have to move my king to survive. You just have laid out a little bit of a trap for me. Yes, exactly. What's that move where it's like the castle and the king switch places a little bit? I wonder if you could do that in this game.

Oh, that'd be cool. I don't want to do that. Yeah, what's it, castling the king? Yeah, it's like the castle and the king sort of like do a switcheroo. The little tower, it can move in straight lines, right? That's right. Okay. So, I think that's what I'm going to do.

I think that's really good because now... Tower piece to H6. Right, now your tower can basically get my bishop unless I move it. Yeah. Okay, I think I'm going to... I like how we said we were going to play a quick hit of chess, now we're fucking fully entrenched. We can't do this until the entire act.

There's no way. I did just take your pawn in a retreat of sorts. I see. I absolutely see. Okay. That's the tough pill to swallow. And it's unfortunate. But let's see if I can keep you on the offensive.

By staying offensive and making fun of your rook. I'm a little afraid. I think that's why you would get into this game, as opposed to something that seems less intelligent or more of a time suck. Time is just sort of withering away as we make strategic choices every five minutes. Strategic choices and faux pas. I guess I'll just go here and I'll block my king with my horsey guy. Okay.

Yeah, so that's knight to E7. Okay, let me see if I could do that rook, that castle change-a-roo. I forget what that move is called. It doesn't seem to be possible here. Okay. I'll learn that on my first lesson, I guess. Yeah, ask about that.

Basically have your chess instructor listen to this, and they'll be like, it's hopeless. So laugh at me. Yeah. My horsey has begun to move towards your castle. I see. Oh, that's dangerous. Is it?

I think it could be. I'm not entirely sure. I see. Very, very interesting. Oh, look at this. We're playing a five minute game, so you're about to run out of time and lose. That's kind of fun. What?

So you have five minutes to make decisions and your time bank is nearly over, while mine still has three minutes left. Oh, fucking hell. It's so dumb. Oh, wow. You were dumb, too, though. No, you're not, because I need to move. You're going to take my queen.

I'm going to take your queen. And suddenly you're out of time, and I appear to have won in some sort of weird stalemate. What are you talking about? So every time, you see how it says you have 11 seconds left? Yeah. It's just a zero. It'll be considered a end of game slash day situation for you.

Interesting. And I'll have won the game. Time out. I was about to take your diagonal thing with my pawn. Yeah, that would have been good. Yeah, it would have been good. Your little piece of shit. Do you mind just hosting the show a little bit?

I'm going to play against a different opponent. Yeah, you need a challenge. You need a challenge. Okay, so that's it. I guess learn how to play chess slash play chess with your friends. We get an app. I mean, that took 20 minutes, and we didn't even finish the game.

Use this note of that. I mean, my God. Definitely, that made me want to at least learn a little bit more about chess. I was so quickly out of my depth. Right, I was just sort of guessing what to do, and I couldn't tell if any of the things that were actual strategies were good,

or I was just doing weird things. I was really only thinking one move ahead, one move at a time. Right, and even then we got kind of confused a little bit sometimes. All right, let's see if we can answer a question since we just played chess for 10 minutes instead.

Right, that's fair. And that's on us. Totally. But at least nobody had fun during that. I feel slightly victorious because I noticed the time thing. Right. Oh, blue.

Here's a question. Sorry. Is the question about actually our Jacob and Amir web series? Maybe you can help this guy out. Okay. Not really personal, so we can call him by his real name, which is Oscar, which is...

I have a question which every listener must have asked themselves at some point. We're all thrilled at the return of Jacob and Amir. Thank you. We know they still can't be working at College Humor, so where precisely do they work? Won't be able to sleep until you answer this.

Thanks. We did talk long and hard about this, actually. Yeah, like what's in the story what the hell is going on? Mm-hmm. And we almost wanted to do a straight up premise

pilot return type thing. But then we're like, that's a little too much. We never... We never explained to any real extent what College Humor was. It was always just like vague internet company that we worked for. We referenced our jobs and stuff,

but it wasn't ever like a central plot point. Right, exactly. We didn't want to create a story episode that explains everything versus just, hey, here's a new Jacob and Amir about podcast ideas. But in our heads, we do work at Head Gum.

But more, I guess more so like generic podcast company. Right. But one that we started and there's not a lot of people here rather than a bustling company. Right, the company in our minds is actually not doing well. I guess it's similar though to the Head Gum company

of the off days. Where it's just like, the first episode is you pitching me podcast ideas. We theoretically have since started this company quote unquote and we're trying to make it go of it ourselves

in podcasting. It's kind of like if we started Head Gum yesterday and it's just me and you instead of me, you and Marty and it's not going well so far. Yeah. So we sort of rented an office and now we're scratching our heads as to how to make money

because we're not doing anything yet. Yeah, that's right. That's a good way to think about it. And then also sometimes I'm, and I'm posting QAnon conspiracy theories to 4chan and that's going to happen too. Right, and that's why

the company isn't excelling. Right, but there are all of some people here because the March Madness Bracket we allude to other people playing and getting into it. Yeah, imagine we've hired, we've just like given out more equity than the company has. Yeah.

Like got people to work for free, found like college interns to work for credit. Exploiting people, calling in favors, yeah. We've been borrowed and steeled. The next two episodes are with our accountant so we can go into the deep dive of what exactly is going on at this company and how.

We should get Mark and Karen back. White elephant meat. Or sorry, wet elephant meat. White elephant is sort of a game. It's a gift, yeah. It's a gift exchange goof. Take a break and try to answer another question on the other side of this message.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member we need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. For me personally, these things

are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. There are three of these bad boys

in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital

photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura Frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife.

I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere

and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload

photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com.

And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A

Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parent something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. All right, we're back. Yes. One last question to rule them all.

Let's do it. This person has a semi inconvenient problem and would love our take on it. Our favorite kind. Four months ago I decided to change my name. All right. The name my parents gave me was fine.

I guess I'll just say it. They named me after Rachel from Friends. But it just never felt right for me. I'm gender fluid and the idea of having a traditional feminine name wasn't working for me anymore. So I decided to switch things up. And after a few months of putting genuine thought into my

new name, I finally settled on something I'm much more comfortable with. Roman. Cool. I told all my friends and changed my handles online and I've been pretty much only referred to as Roman since then. Except here's the kicker. I haven't told my family.

My parents are pretty conservative and they don't know about my identity. While I don't feel like I need to get into the deep discussion with them about who I am as a person, it still feels weird to go home and constantly be referred to as my old name. My mom follows me on a few social media accounts where I mentioned the change

but I'm assuming she hasn't noticed or is choosing to ignore it. My question is, should I even tell them? I'd prefer not to sit down and say, hey, I don't like the name you picked for me because I thought because it makes me feel weird when I hear it so you can call me this now forever and also let all of my

extended family know. Thanks. I just don't feel like that would go down very well with them. I'm 19 and I don't live with my parents anymore so it's not like I'm around my old name constantly but it's still kind of a bummer when I do hear it. Should I even bring it up and if I do, how do I go about it? I've been watching your

video since fifth grade so thanks for practically raising me. Thank you, Roman. Here's the thing. Wait, should we play a game of chess real quick before we answer? Yeah, let's do it. Here we go. And we might run out of time. Pawn is moved to

Bishops 9. Wow. Checkmate. That was so fast. So fast. I think you can, first of all, take your time. It does, this is all, it's happening on your timeline so no pressure, no rush.

The other thing is I think it sounds like this warrants a conversation not necessarily about your name but about your identity. I think that's a big piece of who you are that

it's the right thing to do to share it with your parents. Might be hard. But if they're doing something that bothers you, I don't think it necessarily has to be centered around like I want to go by Roman. It's a lot more about who you are and then the name piece follows.

You know? Yes, I mean it's easy for us to say just sit down and tell your parents and if they love you, they'll totally understand it'll be fine. But I'm also afraid to tell my parents nearly everything that I think will stress them out so I understand the hesitancy.

Like I probably would not tell my parents if I got a tattoo and I'm way older than 19. Hell, I'm double 19 and I would be too afraid to I just don't want to tell them anything that would stress slash potentially bum them out. Right.

I get that. So you would rather, this is also though different than a tattoo because this would be something that was bothering you. Yeah, I was just saying an even lighter version of changing my name. Like if I were to change my name, I too would be

too nervous to confront slash tell my parents about it. Yeah. I had, I think that while hard, ultimately this strengthens the bond with your parents and will feel better in the long run on the other side of hard as it were.

Nice. Right. So like I said, no pressure, no rush and I also don't necessarily think it's about them calling you Rachel or Roman is one thing, but them accepting you as gender fluid is another.

I think that's more the bar that you want to clear. So you're saying you can start with the name thing see how they take that. No, I'm saying ignore the name thing. I'm saying like when you're ready, tell them what is going on. Oh, with the whole the whole situation.

Yeah. The gender identity. The name. That's what I think. And the other thing, maybe now's a good time to get a tattoo. You just sort of sweep it all the things that they might not necessarily agree with into one mega thing. Get vaccinated or not depending on what their idea

of good is. That's true. Yeah. You could also just tell them you want a different nickname. You say, let's come. So your friends call you Roman and your parents while not calling you Roman, they won't call you Rachel, which would be fun. That's like, and then mom, dad, do you guys have a

fun nickname for me? I want it. I want a nickname and then that's the light version without the conversation, but I think you should have the conversation. Yeah. But at the same time, don't feel any like pressure to do it right away. Yeah. Whatever you want. Yeah.

Have you ever had like this where you're like afraid to tell your parents something or do you not have a kind of relationship with your parents? I was afraid to tell them when I got kicked out of college for the first time. Yeah. And I didn't tell them and they found out when they got a letter

that I was trying to intercept but I was at the mall and they came in and then they were like, hey, you were kicked out of school. They were like, you lost your scholarship and I was like, ah, I didn't know that. Oh yeah, that's crazy.

Turning beat red. Yeah. And then I think my dad saw my GPA and was like, what the fuck happened? And then I came clean. Like I should have done a long time ago probably after the first semester. You gotta be reading a lot of things on that report

card about my grades. I just want to come out ahead of it all and say that the thing that you're holding that says what my GPA is is indeed accurate. Right, so sorry for that mom and dad. I know you'll listen to the podcast if you're the best.

You think they would have preferred to hear it from you first? I think they probably would have preferred definitely and I think that if I were really mature I would have admitted earlier that college was not for me and not wasted their cash

going back for like the second semester and like hiding it for a full year. Right, but it's scary. You just sort of sweep things under the rug hoping to God that something will change over the course of the year and then when it doesn't it's like I'm already gotten in this deep and I can't go back and say all that stuff.

I put off the whole dealing with the consequences part. I put it off as long as possible. But then at a certain point it all comes back to bite you in the ass and it's much worse because then they're mad about well this is different because it's your gender identity

but they're mad at me about the lying as much as they are about the bad grades. It's the guilt. The parental guilt. They know how they get you. If only we just didn't care about our parents at all. That would be cool. You just do whatever you want, tell them whatever.

Yeah, that'd be ideal. Instead I care so much. It's a kind of relationship where you call your parents by their first names. What do you care about my grades, Sam? I'm going to take a fucking chess lesson. Then we can settle it like two men

on the board. Just let me borrow the car. I also need to sleep here and eat for free. Man. Sam. He slaps you. Will Smith style. Alright, good luck.

Good luck, Roman. Yeah, Godspeed. Yeah, Roman. What about Ronan? That could be kind of a cool name too. Yeah, Ronan's a cool name. Yeah, if you ever want to switch it up yet again, how about Ronan Rowland

actually. R-O-L-A-N-D. I think I am going to change my last name to Harbo. How cool is that? From Harbo and Samuelson? Yeah, yeah. So, right?

I said dope, but I pretty much meant dumb because I'm barely caring slash listening anymore. I really don't care about your last name and I really think this conversation slash episode is over. I don't think so.

Dammit, I knew it. I wanted to steal slash say it. I wanted the trophy. I wanted the golden gopher Minnesota style. Yeah, tried to steal my catchphrase. I don't think so. Two giant front teeth. You see that ChexMix

Twitter account called me a chipmunk today? For what reason? I did see that. Out of the fucking, I guess not out of the blue. I said that the new ChexMix has an ingredient called vanilla bread stick and that was my nickname in high school and then they responded and said

sorry, we didn't have one called chipmunk or something like that. The official ChexMix account. How messed up is that? And you love ChexMix? Yes, I absolutely do. That really must hurt. The only thing more painful than that would be

if a baked lay called me a name on the street, which is like so far from happening. Okay, thanks for writing in your questions. Theme song, send them all down to ifiriushow at gmail.com And if you have any chess tips, please let us know.

And it's just something basic. Don't get into the weeds. Just tell me where to move my horse slash rook slash king. I would appreciate it. And king me while you're at it. Checker style. For more videos, check out

our Patreon, patreon.com. And you can of course watch this episode. We're recording every podcast now as a video on our YouTube channel at ifiriushow. A lot of content. So don't be sad that it's over. Be happy that it happened slash

ended so now you can do other shit and watch other stuff that we make. There you go. Opening theme song and closing theme song was the other side of hard renditioned by Nemo. Shout out to Nemo. Shout out to you guys for watching.

Of course we'll be back next week. You know it. Till then. On the other side of hard If I were you If I were you If I were you The show starts now.