If I Were You - 539: Slapping

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

In this episode we discuss surfing the web, surfing the waves, and dissecting dreams. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. I'm feeling blue. What should I do? What would you do if I were you? What would you do? What would you do if I were you? Beautiful. Beautiful. A classic acoustic jam. That was J.D. Zeik. Oh. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Try to. The Zeik was Reich. Zeik is in the house. How do you think he spells Zeik? Z-E-I-K. That's Reich. Yeah. It's absolutely Zeik. Attaches my attempt at a Jacob and Amir theme song. Nothing else. No other info. No plugs. No good luck. No congrats. Just a fucking Zeik. Hashtag Zeik. Zeik wins.

You wouldn't think this guy's name was Zeik because the jam was very cool. J.D. Zeik. Zeik is a cool name. You don't think that's a cool name? Yeah. It's like Mike but even harder and cooler because there's a Zeik in there. Yeah. Zeik meets Mike and J.D. stands for Jike Dyke. I shouldn't have said the obviously it's not what I meant. When I... The middle word is offensive basically. Yeah. But it's not like I... You knew what you were going to say. As soon as you said Jike you knew what was coming and you powered through. You could have bailed out. You didn't have to do that.

It feels like it landed as soon as you said it into the mic. It's actually not even Zeik. I just backed into it. Really? Yeah. You just knew you wanted to say that. Yeah. No it is J.D. Zeik. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Don't be sorry for the J.D. Zeik. That part was normal. No. I feel like he's... He has to apologize. We're both cancelable for that. I swear he has to issue a fucking Mia culpa because his name is so fucking messed up.

All right. Thank you. Thank you J.D. and thanks to you guys for watching. We're back. We're back in the lab slash studio sitting across from each other. Josh and around you can listen to it of course. Yeah. But you can watch it. I mean watch it. Watch it. Yeah. Watch it. Why wouldn't you watch it? You might as well watch it. Yeah. Watch it. Watch it. You went surfing this morning? Yeah. So you're in LA. You're embracing the surfer hashtag California lifestyle. Yeah. Let me put those two things together.

Hang 10 attitude aloha style. And how did it compare? You've never been surfing in LA. You've done... You tried it in Mexico. Learn how to surf and then you've been doing it on the East Coast. Yep. So what is... How did the LA surf style line up with your value system as a hashtag cowabunga surfer boy? So I thought it was pretty tubular. Ultimately. Ultimately tubular. Damn. Though I did get absolutely wrecked. Okay. Destroyed. Interesting. Yeah. I have... You can see. Yeah. Some sort of board hickey. Like a laceration on my neck. Yeah. My feet are cut up. Uh-huh. The board leapt from the water or hit me in the ear once. The ear. Yeah. The ear.

The ear happened. Yeah. I was fighting for my life to just get out past the break. Continually getting washed basically back to shore. Uh-huh. But then once I was out there the waves were also too big for me to surf and I'd have to bail out and just kind of ride in like a bookie board. I see. So on the... But the interesting thing about surfing was as brutally as I got my ass kicked I still loved it. I had a great time and I wouldn't change a thing. Except I do wish I stood up a few more times. How many times did you stand? Two and a half or maybe one and a half. Maybe like one full time and then two half times.

So is it all to get up that one time or is it like I love the process of going early and being there and putting up points? Yeah. I love everything. I love everything. So the journey is joyful. Yeah. I love everything around it. So you don't have to stand up really? No. I mean I think for me I want to have at least like one or two good rides where it feels like I went out there and did everything for a purpose and I didn't leave as a failure. Yeah. But today I said to myself as I was leaving I said the ocean won today. But even just being able to say that is cool and to mean it.

And I think like the real good surfers they have a reverence, a respect for the ocean. Granted they're surfing like real waves and I'm sort of just battling Santa Monica. But like that attitude that they have I adopted it today. I see. So in New York where I surf there's like two jetties and it kind of creates this like there's just a part of the ocean where the waves don't break. So even as violent as the waves can get you can always go close to the jetty and just paddle out. So you mean by break like there's the hump part of the wave but it doesn't actually become the white water part of the wave? Yeah.

It doesn't curl. It doesn't crash. Yeah. Today there was like no rhyme or reason. It was just all open ocean and the waves were like crashing in different directions. So you couldn't really predict where anything was going to come. You'd like paddle out to try to surf something but then there would be no waves and then all of a sudden from your left something would just curl on top of you and then you'd be like washed in and something's coming from the right. And then how far are you from like being able to stand up?

Like can you just always stand up and walk it onto the beach if you're scared slash tired? Yeah. If you're scared slash tired you would just turn your board around like a boogie board and just ride it into the sand. That would be easy. The hard part is trying to get out because you can get caught in that white water where all of the waves are breaking and you're just kind of like getting pushed back to shore and you're fighting to get out past that but you keep on getting pushed. So like a lot of today was just me battling the white water to get out past the break. Then I would fall off a wave and be caught in the white water for 10 minutes,

try to get past it again, fall off. So yeah, hurt the ear, hurt the neck, hurt the foot. But ultimately you like that every second of it. That's interesting because what you're describing would be one of my worst nightmares which is like waking up really early, getting thrown into a cold ocean and just sort of battling and getting hurt. Totally. Yeah. Totally tubular, man. Mahalo. Alright, let's try to at least answer some questions now that we're here. You're not in LA often, we have to sort of soak it in.

That's right. I found some questions while you were straight up shredding the gnar. Yeah, while I was hanging ten. Yeah, while I was cowabunging and wiping out. Correct. Okay. Actually, one of them is sort of computer related, so the complete opposite for surfing. We'll call this guy fucking Bill Gates. Nice. Not Duke Hanamoku. Who's that? Forget it.

You just swore at me in Polynesian. Since the pandemic started, like many people I switched jobs and now for the first time in my life, my whole job is online. I've never used the computer for more than an hour or two at a time before. I've always had jobs like waiting tables or being customer service. I didn't have to be in front of the computer at all. In fact, in these jobs, I would ignore my phone for hours and it made me a better employee because I was not distracted on my phone.

Now, it's the opposite. And if I'm on my laptop and iPad and a phone at the same time, I'm killing it. This is a huge shock to me. I know both of you had had full careers where most of it is online, from Jake in your videos to Jake's mom's cookies to the Oryandating app. Do you have any tips for us noobs? How do you not get tired of staring at a screen? Do you remember the first time you worked at a website and how did you adjust to this?

Do you have any special ergonomic keyboards and stuff like that? Any tips would be super helpful to the little gates. I'm curious. I feel like you're better at screens than I am. I don't like it. I try to avoid it. You have to. It's a necessary evil to me. I don't even remember the world where before I had a job that required me to stare.

It doesn't even ring any alarm bells for me if I'm staring at a screen for hours at a time. I feel like it used to be a little like college humor. We used to have brainstorms where we had desktop computers. We would have brainstorms where we all went into a room and talked and wrote stuff on a board. There were little pads and we would pitch our ideas. I feel like even then there wasn't necessarily lots of phones out. We weren't scrolling through Instagram while we were doing that. It was just like pre-smartphone.

You weren't constantly distracted by the phone in your pocket. That's true. Then even before that, at college, there wasn't even Wi-Fi. I couldn't even take my computer to class and use the internet when I wasn't just plugged into a wall. This is like since in the last 20 years, I've basically been in front of screens the entire time. I haven't had a job that required me to not look at a screen or anything like that. You don't get any screen burnout. You like it. I don't say I love it or I dislike it. It's just part of my job.

It's just what it is. Would you ever get an Apple Watch? No. I think that's one step too far. Because then it's literally on your wrist. That's why when you put your phone away, which is very rare anyway, now it's vibrating, you can see. Classes are probably next. God, fucking screens right in front of your eyes.

I'm closer to getting rid of all of my devices than getting an Apple Watch. You had that friend that had the tiny phone that didn't have any apps on it or something. The light phone, I think it was called. I'm still thinking about that thing. It's been nine years, but I really think I can have it. What would be the hardest adjustment for you is not using what? Email? Yeah, I guess email and Slack. You're not using social media?

I guess if I looked at my app usage, the thing I use the most is just my Chrome app. Just looking stuff up. Yeah, I like to look things up. What about maps? You're using Waze? In New York a little less so. I look at a map to see where something I need to go is, but once I know which trains to take or what streets,

I'm not walking down the street looking at the map, because it's like a grid, so it's pretty easy. I haven't lived in New York in 10 years, but I feel like I can get, if you tell me any address to another address, I could probably figure it out. The White Shermerhorn? White Shermerhorn? White Shermerhorn. Train station.

To Ridgewood. I know about a Ridgewood. Okay, let's keep it all in Manhattan. No, I'm getting hives. Yeah, let's do Chamber Street. There's a Chambers? Do numbers. Fine.

Fucking third. What subway is on a third? I don't know about a subway. Okay, let's just get you from first and first, where you used to live. First and first. To 125th. I don't know. I'm not even giving you a fucking avenue.

You get out, you make a right. All right? You make another right, you're on, what are you on at that point? You say. You make a right, so you're walking down First Street towards what? Ninth. Technically. Yeah.

Yeah, but there's other ones before that. Fucking scared, man. I'm gonna get mugged. See, I told you I don't need a fucking ways. Yeah, you're good. You're absolutely good. How can, I prefer, we're talking ergonomic keyboards. I never had one of those like the split keyboard where you're like, yeah, doing all that stuff.

I think what I prefer versus like a dedicated like setup is I like having my MacBook Air, which I can just like work out on my desk. And if I'm feeling like, you know, I need to change a scenery, I need to like relax, I can just lie down on the couch, I can go sit in another chair, I can go to the dining room, I can go to the kitchen counter. These are all the places you can bring your computer. Right. So it's not like necessarily an ergonomic setup, but it's like I can adjust my body

because my laptop is light enough and it'll just follow me wherever I need to go. I feel like so often I'm like on my computer for an hour or two. I'm like, all right, let me take a break, slam my computer, take my phone out. Like let me just use this tiny computer now. Yeah. I need a little recharge. The use is a little different. I don't, I feel like when my computer is open, I'm like planning shit or writing emails.

And then when I'm on my phone, I'm kind of just like clearing out responses, cleaning things up. You know. Batting away emails, responsibilities. Yeah. Phone is clean up. And computer is work time. That's the dirty work. Do you have an iPad in addition in between?

Technically I do have an iPad, but I'm a little bit afraid of it. I don't think I need a third device. Right. What do you use the intermediate, the medium one for? Yeah. I, my plan was to, it's at the office in New York and I was going to use that as my computer there. But so far I haven't had the, the gall, the wavos.

The wavos. The wavos. I can't do it. You need the keyboard, then you have the thing and then you have the cover at that point. And I'm just, it's heavier than my friggin' air. Yeah. Yeah. It really is.

But I guess it's nice you can touch the screen. That's nice. My tip for this guy is something I've gotten in the pandemic, which is the standing desk. It helps my back slash posture not to be hunched over. Because oftentimes I would hunch. I don't like to hunch, it hurts for a long period of time. If I'm standing and working, at the very least I feel like I'm exerting some level of energy and effort.

Yeah. And my tip is a second charger. Two chargers. Two chargers this month. Oh, you're going to need this. That's a luxury. Are you kidding me? Yeah.

One at work, one at home. Not to carry it. You're going to need a really good charger where you're like, wow, this is working fast. No. Or a bad charger where you're like, what the fuck is going on? It's been like two hours. I've never really noticed. It's all about the size of that square that it's fucking charged in.

That's right. All right. Let's take a break. Thank some sponsors. Come back and answer more cues on the other side of these EMS. Nice. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes.

Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light

quiz. How do you sleep for the better part of the decade? Excuse me. I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it, ass. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress.

Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Come on.

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Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office.

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And that gets you a free four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the... Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

Uh, yes, I do. If you live in Ireland or the UK, you can actually come to a NADpod show. This week. When this one, when this episode comes out. So, yeah, this is launching on May 9th. We're going to post this online. Cool. So, May 9th is the day that I fly to Dublin.

Our show is May 11th. 5-Eleven. Yeah. Or in London slash England. 11-5. 11-5. Yeah. Because they're so fucking...

They're so ass-backwards. It doesn't make sense. And I'll be talking about that a lot on stage. So, if you want to come and defend your country. Is Dublin the first show? Dublin. Yeah. Dublin, London, Manchester, Edinburgh.

Wow, the big four. Yeah. Can't wait. It's going to be fun. And tickets are available at NADpod.com slash live. And in terms of Ugo being there. Do you see a world where, because I still haven't heard anything, so I'd have to, like, figure out the whole passport situation.

Right. It would be a surprise to everyone, including Murph. Right. You figure out the passport situation. Because Ugo have a passport. Ugo is off the grid, unfortunately. Yeah. No, I could see Ugo coming to our show in Edinburgh for sure.

Really? Yeah. I didn't really have to sort of put my affairs in order if that's the case. You're not allowed in Scotland, are you? No, because I have the DUI thing. And then the import, export sort of black mark. Is there a country that you can go to? I can get a Norway.

I have asylum there. Yeah. Me and Julian Assange. Nice. We were extradited together. He was a famous whistleblower and I just accidentally sold pills to the wrong person. But we were both on an airplane together. You were an Assange.

Yes, me and Julian. Yeah. Yeah, me and Julian. The first name basis with him. Nice. For him, like, I'm a mirror to him and for him to me is Julian. To you, you call him Assange and me Blumenfeld. Yeah, I think he's a bad guy.

Really? I think he's a bad guy. You would say that because you don't know the real Julian. I don't know enough, but I think he's bad. Okay. Actually, is Julian here? Oh. I sent him a Zoom link.

He's dialing in from a Guantanamo. He's in prison. Okay, here's a question about listening to other people's dreams. I already am bored by the question. Okay. Yeah. Well, this person has the same situation. It's a lady.

Yeah. We'll call her, you know, famous dream analyst, Sally Freud. Freud. Perfect. Yeah. Alter Ego. Love it. How do I get my boyfriend to stop telling me about his dreams?

I'm not talking about his hopes and aspirations. I'm talking about the vivid hallucinations that fill one's head while sleeping. My boyfriend of nearly eight years is a nice guy, but when he starts to describe his strange dreams to me, I want to kill myself out of Starbucks. Why is listening to someone trying to confusingly recall the insignificant details of a fleeting dream the most excruciating thing? He's a listener. It's hard for me to follow along dreams because they're not even linear and they do not adhere

to a traditional storytelling structure, so there's no beginning, middle, and end. How do I tell him that his dream recounting is very uninteresting to me? The thing is, if you've been dating him for eight years, I feel like if you say it now, it's not just like, oh, your dreams aren't interesting to me. It's like, well, what have the last eight years been? That's right. I've been doing this for a long time. Actually, I usually don't remember my dreams in the last night.

Oh, God. You'll never believe this. I was in my house, but it wasn't my house, and my old school was there. It was actually a giant beast approached me. It's funny because dreams are insanely interesting in theory. When they're happening. Yeah. But like, who the fuck gives it?

Who gives a shit? Because they don't mean anything. There's nothing to sink your teeth into. Yeah. So maybe all you can do is try to care so much about his dreams that it kind of exhausts him. Oh, interesting. So he tells you your dreams.

Like, what do you think that means? Oh, you must be stressed out of work. Oh, maybe you have to talk through that with your boss, and you start giving advice based on that. It's like, oh, no, no. I thought it was just interesting. Oh, maybe no. Maybe you should do this.

Maybe you should do this. Dream-based advice. Interesting. Or you can do the same thing to him. You start like, I actually, I also have a dream, and this is what happened in my dream. Right. Yeah. See if you could bore him worse.

Right, exactly. So you give him a taste of his own medicine. That's right. Except at a certain point, what if he's like, you know, into it, and then it's like, all right, let's go to fucking dream camp, and let's get like, lucid dreaming. What if you were just like, like, he's like, oh, like, he starts telling you about the dream, and you're like, oh, no, I know. I know.

Yeah. No, I had the same dream. Excuse me? Yeah. Same thing. Same thing happened to me. So. And then you change the subject.

Yeah. There you go. So he's sort of convinced you're like a Freddy Krueger type. Yeah. Like a little psychic type thing. Yeah. A nymph, as it were. Are we, we're at a place where we can have shared dream experiences at this point.

Why are we like, trying to put people on Mars like, I want to be able to dream the same as you. That should be doable at this point, right? I don't need to live in outer space. I want to be in your head when you sleep. I want to have a shared subconscious. That's kind of what VR is. Yeah.

That's right. But VR, but asleep. Yeah. Yeah. You would, I don't know. Even that sounds boring to me. Really? Shared, shared dreams sounds exciting to me because then we both fall asleep at the wake

of. Yeah. But I'm so tired from the day, you know, I want to hang out with more people. I see you all day on Zoom. We, we are in constant communication. And then at night, you and I hang out and just sort of, I'm just like, oh, God damn it. Hey, this is crazy.

Pick up a gun. That's a carrot. Yeah. That's a carrot, right? Yeah. Anyway, in my dream last night, there was this giant fucking animal. And I said, how is this, this is animal scarier, dangerous? And then the guy's like, no, it's okay.

Who's the guy? I was just a fucking animal expert in my head. Yeah. So you barely remember. He said, it's half turtle, half man. There was genetically altered. So it was a teenage mutant, a turtle. You had a dream.

Yes, but it didn't look like that. Was the expert splinter? No, it was a different rat. You could also just be like, oh, I have to tell you about my dream and then just like make it really sexual. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So it's like with that, with him or just someone else?

Yeah. Your ex. Yeah. So I was like getting railed by my ex. You remember Travis? Travis. Travis. Yeah.

So he was railing. What else happened? That was it. You could do anything you want. I want to go back to bed. It was a lucid dream. And I did exactly what I wanted. It was actually a daydream.

I was lost in thought. You can get those headbands that make you lucid dream. Have you seen those? No, but I only lucid dream anyway. Oh, you can control your dreams? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

Which is why I only have sex dreams. That's really cool. It's absolutely epic. That's awesome. So all your dreams are you just having sex with people? I've never had a dry night's sleep. A dry dream or a dry... So you'll always sort of wake up in a...

Yeah. That's what I was... Surf's up. Cowabunga. That's what I was worried about. Yeah. All right, here's another one. She wants me to slap.

Okay. I'm writing to you. We'll call this person Will Smith. Remember the Oscars? Yeah, that was good. Keep my wife's name out your mouth. I don't want to swear, but... Right.

You don't want to swear. You said a really derogatory name for a lesbian. I'm writing to you with a conundrum. I'm a 30-year-old guy from the UK who's in a long-term relationship with a girl who I love. Everything's great. See you at my show. With the cheese being seized, she wants me to hit slash be overly rough with her. Now, I'm all for some sexy rough play and the like, but I don't feel too comfortable with

Chris Browning the love of my life. Jesus Christ. That's what he said. I know. I want to make sure she's having a good time and feeling well-chined. But I'm worried that there will be a fine line between sexy good times slaps and show me on the mannequin where he hit you slaps. So, how do I approach this without going to prison?

I mean, I think no one's going to kink shame anybody here, okay? This is not my cup of tea. I don't like the rough stuff. It's disgusting. It's perverted. To me, there should be no pain involved in sex at all. I like a nice little cozy sex. That's the vibe.

You don't like any of the hurting parts? No. No, I don't like that. A pinching, a biting, a slapping, a choking. That's not for me. But if that is your thing, go with God. Awesome. I think the way to find the line is to have good communication with your partner.

Get it in writing. If they're saying, I want you to slap me. Get it in writing. A contract. I don't have to be. I mean, there are things like the safe word. Yeah. Contract is good.

A prenup. That way, it's all signed. Yeah. An affidavit. An affidavit and an NDA. Sorry, you legally can't say or do anything. Also, you give me explicit written consent. I think you just, you say, I'm, I want to make you happy.

I'm worried about going too far. So help me find where the line is. And also, you don't have to push it right up to the line. You can find out where the line is and stay 10 feet back. Yeah. That is okay. I feel like Hickeys are the most PG version of this where you can sort of leave your mark. And it does hurt a little bit.

And then it's like, that's like the pre-sex version of pain in romantic situations. It all starts with the Hickey. Yeah. You do a lot of the hot wax stuff, right? I'll do candle and I'll have a French press near the bed. And it's never used on purpose, but if it should spill on me and I'm like, ah, that's fine. You just, you just like getting burned. I like, I like putting a little fire in the bed and every once in a while I'll get pricked.

But I'd never want it to be on purpose. Yeah. I think it's just about communication. It's just about communication. As long as you're having fun too. Yeah. What if the other person's like, I want you to hit me so hard that I'm bleeding or I'm hitting so hard that like, I have a mark.

Well, then like, then you found the line because you, then I don't want to do that. You know, that's, I'm not going to leave. I'm not going to bruise anybody. Yeah. You know, then what if they slap you and go, hit me, hit me, you little pussy. Yeah. And I'm like punching you. Then they should not be writing into our podcast.

I think talk to a counselor at that point. Yeah. I can see that. For sure. I can see that for sure. For sure, for sure. So yeah, how do I approach this without going to prison? You want to make clear the rules before heading in there.

And you can also say as much as you like it, I actually dislike it and it's not worth it to keep going. But then you find that middle ground. So it's like, I like rough. I actually don't, but I'll be a little rough because that's what you like, but that's not going to be like my cup of tea. So then, you know, that person's not necessarily expecting like the full rough housing. And then you could also have an open relationship.

Those work out great. Open. That's in like, you can do this with me or with somebody else and there's like, I don't like rough stuff, but if you need to get slapped, go get it girl. That's really cool. Yeah. Imagine being that supportive of a lover. Yeah.

Be awesome. I can't give that to you, but I want to have that for sure. Yeah. Go at it. Go with God. Go with God. And not even in a lucid dream style. Right.

Go to God. Go see God. Go find God. Yeah. And I'll be here waiting for you because I want to be here with open arms when you return from your lover's embrace. That's cool. I will ice your wounds.

She has a hickey. That's so cool because I wasn't willing to give that to you. So who did? I want to shake the man's hand. That sucked on your neck. Put her there, brother. Thank you so much for hurting my wife in the way that she needed that I wasn't able to provide.

He gives you a hickey too. Oh. Oh, you're rough. Oh my God. I can see why you like her. I love horsing around. All right. Another break, but we got some real juicy ones on the other side.

Good. I mean the other side of hard. No, no, no. Nice. None of this fucking slapping thing. Yeah. We really get into it. All right.

Good. So we're sponsoring this Head Gum podcast, you know, or a Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. Personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Yeah, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes.

That's A U R A frames dot com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura frames A U R A frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp.

All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you.

Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we have returned. Yes. How is this for a question? Did I accidentally get a sugar daddy? Whoa. Love that.

Accidentally. Accidental sugar daddy. Okay. A 23 year old female living in California recently made an online friend who lives out of state and is seemingly very, very well off as he's offered to take me on trips, buy me things before. And I've always said no because I don't know him too well and I don't want to take advantage of him and his wealth.

So the problem is my newly bought car just broke down and I need to buy a new one, but I don't have the money right now as I just bought the other one. He's offering to buy me a new car and I could really use the help, but I just don't know what to do. He says he doesn't have any ulterior motives, but I can't imagine someone would just gift someone a new car without wanting something in return. Am I overthinking this? Should I just take the free car and be grateful or decline and be carless, but keep my dignity

help? Very interesting. I will say two things. He's definitely wants something in return, obviously. He's not just giving up the car for the videos. It's not just goodwill. There are plenty of charitable organizations that he could give to. Like 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS.

Yeah, exactly. Donate your car today. 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS. Yeah. K-A-R-S CARS-FOR-KIDS. 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS. Donate your car today. Yeah.

You should donate your car. You should donate your new car to kids with a K. It's a lease. I can't do that. It's a lease. Buy it out the lease. Donate your car today. Today?

I can't do it today. I'm not even... My car is in a fucking long-term parking at JFK. I can't do it today. Donate your car today. I can't do it today. I have to get it... I have to buy out the lease.

Buy out the lease today. I have to buy out the lease today. When you land, donate it to kids. To cars for kids? It's what? A 2019? It's 2020. It's a 2020 Toyota 4Runner and I can't just give that...

What would I drive? You would get a Civic or a Prius C. I need my car. You'll have a car. You'll lease to own an Audi. I can use to lease to own an Audi. My dad used to lease to own an Audi. Yeah.

Oh my God. That's why my dad wants to have an Audi. Yeah. You owned an Audi? You'd lease to an Audi. This is what I say. There are strings attached, but you don't have to honor them. This isn't like a legal trade.

I think if you would theoretically not even be taking advantage because he says he has no ulterior motives and he'll buy you the car and then he'll say, you should come visit me for a weekend. I'll fly you out and you'll say, I don't want to or I can't or whatever and he'll keep on asking and then you'll say no and then eventually be like, I bought you a car. You should really come thank me in person and then the shoe will drop. Here's the problem with the car thing is that they have to have so much info. I don't think you can just give someone a car.

It's like you have to register the car and then you should just ask them for the down payment. Yeah. Venmo me $21,000 and I'll buy a car. Definitely just take cash. Don't put the lease in there. Cashier's check. Yeah.

Sent to a PO box. There you go. And then I'll take the money and I'll get myself a car. Thank you. Yeah. Cashier's check sent to a PO box is better. You don't even want to give them your routing number. Let's not do an ACH transfer or anything like that.

That's too much information. Maybe Zell. Zell actually could work, but he might have a limit, but if he's rich maybe he doesn't. Well, that's the nice thing about crypto is completely anonymous. You can send someone a few BTC, ask for a Bitcoin. I would say you don't have a sugar daddy yet until you've actually accepted the cash and gifts. Well, she's already sort of gotten some stuff from him, right?

Oh. Okay. Yeah. I mean, this is a weird... Oh, sorry. I don't have any trips and buy me things, but I've said no. It's weird. I don't...

I don't... I'm so far removed from this world. I have no idea. On one hand, it seems kind of fucking dangerous to be indebted to somebody who's giving you cash, then you become dependent on him, whatever, but then on the other hand, it is free stuff. And if you have the willpower and you can deny his other advances, maybe it's fine. Yeah. I don't know.

Right. When the housing and cars, it's all just like they need to know everything about you. Right. And he'll have to know everything. Yeah. I guess the risk is becoming too dependent. If he's like, oh, I'll get you a car, but he's just making your car payments every month?

Yeah. That's weird. Then you really need him. And that's not... That's fucking... That seems a little muddy. Yeah. Whoever like walks into a car dealership and's like, here's a check for $41,000.

Yeah. Give me a full car and I don't have to pay anything here again. Yeah. That's not quite how it works. I think it's fucking scary. Although this question is kind of weird too. My newly bought car just broke down and I need to buy a new one. What could that possibly be?

Newly bought doesn't necessarily signal new car. So she bought a used car. She might have bought a used car. And they're like, the engine is dead. Crapped out and that's... You have to buy a new one. Yeah. The car is totaled.

It'll cost more money to fix it than you paid for it. There's no reason. Just broke down. Not even like... Broke down. Not even like I wrapped her around a tree. That'll happen, you know? Yeah.

That'll happen. Dead car. Yeah. So she needs to buy a completely new one from scratch. Yeah. What if he's buying like a shitty old used car? Like I'll just fucking send you a Toyota Corolla 1992 140,000. I have an extra car, I'll put it on a truck bed, send it down to California.

But you still got to register and all this stuff. It seems bizarre to me. He'll have access. Yeah. He'll have access to your records, to your accounts. You have to go to the DMV, get a new license plate. Yeah. I mean he might be nice.

He might be nice too. Yeah. But it's unfortunate. It must suck to be a really rich, older guy who actually does want to give people gifts because everyone thinks you have ulterior motives. He has ulterior motives, but he might also be like, I want to hook up with this person, but I'm a nice guy and I'm just going to try to do it through gifting and giving rather than anything else.

And that might be it. But I feel like we as men have such a bad reputation that I would say still stay away. You basically have to avoid the nice guys as well just to really steer clear of the bad ones. Yeah. It's like if you see some guy who's really creepy looking and he lives in his mom's basement, but he's just a nice guy, that guy has a bad rap because you always hear about the creepy guy that lives in the mom's basement that's built in a fucking bomb down there.

Basically everything a guy does is creepy until it's not. So we're guilty until proven innocent. Yeah. You say, oh, I'll buy you that. It's seemingly innocuous and nice. But it's like, but then what's your expectation? And what happens when you don't get what you expect and what you want, then you get angry, right?

It's not worth the stress. It's not worth the risk. What if she says, give a car to somebody else? That person will then give me the car. Right. Oh, give a car to my dad. Exactly. Yeah.

That's awesome. Let me put you in touch with my dad and you can explain to him. You'll have to go to the DMV with you and you'll have to change your registration and title. You guys are at the same age. You should play golf together, but you'd have to pay for the round because you're his sugar dad. You're my sugar grandfather.

Father. Yeah. Exactly. A sugar granddaddy. That's a really good idea. That's actually, it's brilliant. Sugar granddaddy is probably a good domain name for our next Squarespace ad. Yeah.

It's also a good name for a show, a thing that we're pitching like a TV show. It's like, you all know about sugar daddies, right? Yeah. This is like, yeah. If you want to get with me, you got to give my dad a car, sort of a secret. The pilot just wrote itself. There's no second episode, unfortunately, but everything else is out. Right.

We'll go to air. Okay. One last question. Yeah. A lot of options here. A lot of options. Okay. Do you want to do, here's sort of a quick and easy one.

All right. To preface this, I'm stoned out of my mind. Right. We'll call this lady Stoney. Well, what's the harm in asking you guys? This whirlwind of a question rather than my therapist. I broke up with my fiance six months ago and recently started thinking I might be a lesbian. I've always known I'm bi and I've wondered how to, if I've preferred men over women.

Recently I've been noticing more women than men and this has gotten me confused. The only experience I've had with a girl was negative. She strung me along for four years. I was deeply in love with her and she always implied that she'd sleep with me one day, but it never happened. She told me she couldn't be with someone else who wasn't a lesbian and left me. The question is, should I start experimenting with other women so close after a breakup with my fiance?

I mean, we were together for five years and planned a wedding together. I feel like if I turn, if he found out he would be hurt because I don't think he's over me yet, but I'm a thousand percent over him. I'm also a little nervous because I feel like I'd be losing my virginity again, even though I'm in my late 20s now. Wow. I mean, this lady's high. Yeah.

But is she bi? I mean, definitely bi, right? Because she was sexually attracted, slash engaged to a guy, but also attracted to and with a woman before. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's a sliding scale. You know? Nobody's fully straight or fully gay.

You're probably somewhere along this spectrum, as they say. And I also think you can go through phases with it, too. So you're into women right now? I think see it through. If your only concern is the guy's feelings, then you've already done the hardest thing, which is call off the wedding and break up and you're a thousand percent over him. So it is definitely time to stop letting the way he feels guide any decisions in your life.

Yeah. You've gone through the hardest part. You don't have to like share with him anything else. Yeah. You guys are broken up. So I would also personally, if somebody broke up with me, I would be less offended if they ended up with another woman versus another dude. Yeah.

Because that was something you couldn't necessarily provide. That's right. It's like, what do I have that she doesn't? Oh. Feminine energy. Yeah. And emotional intelligence. I get it.

Yeah. I absolutely get it. She's emotionally available to you. Yeah. That makes sense. Not me. So specifically, am I a lesbian? Who knows?

Who are we to define it? Yeah. But there's only one way to find out. And it sounds like your bad experience with a woman before shouldn't necessarily color the entire thing moving forward. You know, you're in your late 20s and you are talking about losing your virginity all over again, as you say. But what better time than now?

Yeah. Late 20s is not that old. Yeah. You also don't have to dive right into losing your virginity and having sex with women all the time. Just like go on a few dates with somebody, you know, and see if it feels good. Baby steps. Yeah.

Exactly. All right. That's it. That's our show. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here with us. You can watch these episodes now on our YouTube.

If I were your show on YouTube, we're also still making videos on our Patreon, Patreon.com slash J-A. We're also making this podcast every week, so there's going to be enough for you. Yeah. Don't be offended if an episode is a little short, because then this is like episode 540 or something. Yeah. It's like there's other shit you can watch.

I don't think anybody complains about the length or the amount of ads or anything. Really? Yeah. That's really cool. I haven't looked at the comments or anything, but I think we're good there. So you're not looking at the comments? No. Okay.

But you're sure what they say? Yeah. I'm sure what they say. Okay. Yeah. I think we're good. Okay. Yeah.

That's awesome. God bless. Good man. That opening and closing theme song was written by J.D. Zeik. Let's hear the Zeikstra piece again. That's a Zeik masterpiece. Right.

Thanks for you guys listening. We will be back next week. Zeik. Zeik out. Come here please. Dry my tears. My dime of a girlfriend cheated on me. I cheated first, but it hurts worse when I think about how she said he was bigger than

me. I'm feeling blue. What should I do? What would you do if I were you? How long was I gone? You're rolling. What would you do? What would you do if I were you?

Zeik. We are Zeik.