If I Were You - 54: Billboards

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

In this episode we discuss our bet, our characters, and how Jake would rank things.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Visit audible.ca to sign up. Jake and Amir are two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. to sign up. positive motivations they swear another podcast each app different from the last it's the swiss army knife of shows each are two emphatic hoes what's the matter? oh you look so upset during the dance.

Yes. So stiff, you're swaying, but you are unhappy to be here. I was trying to sort of do a new style of swaying. Somber sway? Yeah, more even more stiff than usual before. Sort of a year two vibe of like, because are we really still here? Yes. Exactly. Do we have to do this?

And it's sort of like a kid being sort of pulled up, but he doesn't know where he's going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you have to take your shirt off, you don't want to, but it's already coming up. So it's like, all right, well, I'm just gonna. Yeah, and somebody else, an adult is doing it for you. Exactly, I've been there.

We should say we're back in the same studio for the first time in God knows how long. Months. We're recording this before the election, but this comes out after the election. Oh, interesting. Do you think we'll know? It comes out.

It comes out the Monday after. So there's a chance, not only we, I guess there's a chance it's straight up called, but there's also a chance that's like, it's pretty much done. Like they know, but they wanna double check, make sure. Is it the first Tuesday in November? That's usually the vibe?

Yeah. Okay. And we're out the Monday after that. Yeah, cause I was looking at my phone and I saw in 2020, it was November 9th, it looks like, that it was called. Yeah, I believe it was the weekend after. So like a Tuesday to Saturday, it looks like, that it was called. Yeah, I believe it was the weekend after, so like the Tuesday to Saturday, Sunday is when they figured it out.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I remember all of the partying and the strife. Yeah, exactly. The impromptu fucking strife parades, the parties. Because Trump was gone forever. Yeah, yeah. He's never coming back. Not so much.

And everyone loved Biden then. Joe spoke well and quickly, and we had no issues with his age. He was a sprightly 77. Who knew that he would be four years older four years later? Yeah, we couldn't have called that. So in terms of this podcast, I want to talk about our bet that we made last week, which is now even more dated

about the World Series. My Daughters versus Your Yankees. Yeah. Winner got to design a billboard for the loser to have to put up somewhere in America. And we lost in spectacular fashion. The Yankees lost. They sure did.

In a sort of a new excruciating way every game. Yeah. Walk off home runs, a bunch of errors, can't get a hit. There was one exciting game. Yeah, one great game. Game four. I mean, all of the games were exciting, just not all for a Yankees fan. Yeah, they all had something interesting going on.

Yeah, I mean, it really, as soon as your team hits a walk off grand slam, it's like, it's kind of faded. There's no like, okay, but then we ended up winning that series, that never happens. Right. There's always an exciting moment and that usually carries them to victory.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Did you watch the last game, the game where the Yankees were up? Yeah, I watched that excruciating fifth inning. Yeah, we were like, hey, why is that? Oh, why is this happening? Wait, what is happening? That inning, they went into with a five, nothing lead.

Two outs. Two outs, or even before that, the start of the inning, Garret Cole hadn't let up a hit. Yeah. He took a no hitter into the fifth inning, they were up five. Hurling an absolute champ. Who would have expected?

Technically no hits after. Struck out Otani. Yeah, everything was going well. Got the two outs and then had the third out, even despite the errors. Right, three errors. Three errors and I think even at that point the score was still five one.

Before the, you know, the Mookie Betts error that started it all. Right, but they didn't call the error where he didn't cover first an error. They called it an infield single. Oh yeah, so maybe the judge error was the first error. That was an error, then the Volpe was an error, and then not covering first was just a decision, I guess,

that led to an infield hit. But not an error, because he's allowed to say, I'm the pitcher. Yeah, I'd do whatever the fuck you want. This guy's eight feet away, go, go to the bag. Go to the bag. Yeah, Rizzo didn't even look like he tried to make a play at the bag after he realized that it wasn't coming over.

It's kind of like the thing where like, if somebody else isn't gonna do you a favor, you're like, all right, now it's spilling. What do you wanna do about it? Look at that. Yeah, you're closer to the washing machine and it's leaking. You pick it up.

Then I'll just leave it on the floor. I feel like they didn't know that I had a bet riding on it. I bet they were more motivated by their own success than our bet, I bet. If I could have gotten to the judge and been like, by the way, I might have to be on a billboard, which will be really embarrassing for me. I don't know if you like,

it won't be that embarrassing for you. Yeah, cause you're tall and handsome. Bat 175. Yeah, nobody cares're tall and handsome. About 175. Yeah, nobody cares about your batting edge. You're already, you're paid through your 40s anyway. Yeah, he's got a contract. Yeah, I don't have a contract. Your reputation is sort of still up in the air,

which is why I'm so excited about these billboards, which again, you could put anywhere and you want, print, digital, I don't mind. But it should be, at the very least, if not these billboards exactly, then something that's inspired by these. Okay, so you've created these billboards. Did you do this after I lost

or were you working on these before? This was after, yeah, three zeros when I started sort of formulating some rough ideas. You jinxed it, You shouldn't have won. Yeah. But it's really, really hard to come back from three zeros. So I felt confident enough. Yeah.

Okay, let's look at billboard number one. We'll call this segment billboards. So this one's pretty simple. It's you on the right side, a picture of you looking sort of like there's sun in your eyes. The left says, my name is Jake Hurwitz, guess my email for a special treat. Nice.

So that's like, it's not like so obvious. It's not completely doxing me, but it's like low key doxing me. And you would get sad hearted. Yeah, right, right, right. And do you remember this picture of you? This looks, okay, from the looks of it. Oh, yeah.

I think this is, it's taken in, like, not, what's it called? Pyrmont, New York, near Big Bear. Oh. That's the Hudson River in the background. That's nice. Do you know whose hand that is? That's Jeff Hudson River in the background. That's nice. Do you know whose hand that is? That's Jeff Rosenberg's hand.

Yes, good memory. Thank you. Do you know where I got this photo? My Flickr. Yes, really good memory. Yeah, this is a 15 year old digital photo of you. And I uploaded this? You uploaded it and still have it on your Flickr.

It's so funny to have a, I guess I still have a Flickr that I haven't touched in 20 years. Yeah, it'sickr. It's so funny to have a, I guess I still have a Flickr that I haven't touched in 20 years. Yeah, it's still there. It's still there. It's funny that I went on a hike with Jeff Rosenberg, took these digital photos, and posted them online. And then I'm online

to be on Flickr. Yeah. And I guess it's funnier that I just haven't, you know, deleted my Flickr account. I guess I should do that. How would you even do that? Like, who knows what, who owns Flickr? I don't know how to sign in to it.

Yeah. It'll be like, all right, we sent the password to Jake at collegehumor.com. And you're like, all right, I guess the Flickr stays forever. Hey, can you guys delete my Flickr? Sorry, nobody works here. Flickr doesn't exist anymore.

There is no Flickr. So the pictures are just online forever. Okay, something like this. You don't have to make a decision yet. Yeah. So is this, it's always gonna be this photo? Yeah. Got it.

Let's see, billboard two. Voting is for suckers, Jake Hurwitz. This one's sort of like you bragging about the election results. Right. If Trump wins, it's pretty Trump leaning. It's like, sorry losers. Yeah, yeah.

I think you shouldn't have voted or something like that. Right, but if Kamala wins, then it's kind of like, it's like a billboard of me losing twice. Yeah. Like I took this out of confidence. Yeah, and the design's pretty bad, but that's ultimately fine because it's your billboard, not mine.

I do like that this photo is like, it's interesting because I'm young, so I should be better looking, but it's still a bad photo of me. It's a bad photo because you're squinting. Yeah, it's hard to have a bad photo of me. It's a bad photo because you're squinting. Yeah, yeah. It's hard to have a bad photo of yourself at 22. I pulled it off.

Yeah, it's pretty easy. A lot of people haven't like aged into their body yet. Yeah, I guess 26 I was peaking. Yeah. Okay, let's see, Billboard three. Okay, so this is a quote that I wanted to, like at the very least we get to sort of promote our Patreon while we're doing the billboard bet.

I use Patreon to express myself and my dog's anal glands. Yeah, it's kind of like a joke. See, now I read it so that actually is a quote of mine. Yeah, so this is illegal. Someone could play that quote. Yeah. And then it's attributed to Jake Hurwitz, comedian. So it's like you doing like a silly sort of quote.

And do you know what expressing your dog's anal glands is? I don't know. I mean, I know that I have it, that he has it done to him. I don't know what it means. I know when he's dragging his ass on the floor that it's usually time to ask them to do it. Yeah, yeah.

It's almost like he has like, sometimes dogs get shit stuck in their anal glands their sphincter muscle And like somebody has to go in there and sort of urge it out like is it oh I see so it's it's like a massage It's a massage. I get some residual duty out well It sounds a lot more pleasant than I thought it was for some reason. I thought it was like a shot in your ass Oh, yeah, no, it's a thumbing of the poop out of it. That's nice. Yeah, that's nice.

I'm sure you accidentally done that while changing a diaper or two. It's just like par for the course. You know, you're trying to get duty out of a butthole and sometimes it comes out, sometimes it doesn't. You're not pulling it out of an ass. Well, if necessary. Let's see.

Are you even an uncle? Three! That awkward moment when my wife left me so I had to buy a billboard to find a spouse. Jake Hurwitz on Instagram, hotter in real life. So this one's hotter slash older in real life. This one's like as if you are taking out a classified ad. Like a personal ad.

Yeah, exactly. Okay. And this one's pretty good for you because it shows your Instagram, which isn't necessarily doxing, it just might get more photos or followers. Right, I don't hate that. This one's probably my favorite so far.

Okay. And this one's sort of like, it almost has the air of like someone who did do this. It's like when you put signs around town, like I'm single and looking for love or something. It'd be better if I was like, if you're reading this, Jillian, I'm sorry, please come back.

That's good. Well, we can always edit these. No, they're all on Canva. This is better. Yeah. Okay, let's see, we're five, six, what are we at now? Five. Five. This one's just kind of weird.

jkurtwiz.com, fresh and lick me. That one's sort of like a website promo. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.va or something? Yeah, yeah, I'm on Canva. Okay. Fresh and lick me. Yeah. I don't hate fresh, I don't hate this one cause it's really nothing. Yeah. It's like a whatever burger.

Yeah, I don't even like, I'm not even embarrassed by it. Yeah. It looks like it's two different billboards. In a way it is. All right, let's see number six. I think there's only two left. Oh, here we go. This one is sort of coded.

I want to start a Loot Crate for NFTs. So each month you get sent some NFTs. DM me, Jake Hurwitz on Insta. And it's like written in sort of like computer programming font. It's sort of like your business idea. Yeah, exactly. I'm looking for a seed idea. Yeah, exactly.

I'm looking for a seed round. Yeah, and like this is your way of appealing to like computer programmers. Yeah. For a pretty. This one's interesting because it's like a bad business idea and it looks pretty bad.

So I look really, I look inept. And it also has the DM me on Insta. Yeah, this would result in people DMing me that I had a bad business idea that I was a loser, etc. etc. This is the first one I think that would result in me getting bullied a little bit. Interesting. Okay. And the last one.

Wow. Make Jake Hurwitz again. I love Arsenal. This one's sort of like a soccer troll. Yeah. And it's the little blue badge is so bad looking. Yeah. It's meant to be like a wrinkled ribbon.

Yeah, I see that. Style graphic. But it's so bad. Yeah. And what do you think of make Jake Hurwitz again as like a MAGA style match, match huh? make Jake Hurwitz again as like a MAGA style match, match huh? Make Jake Hurwitz again. It's like as if you changed your last name.

Or yeah, like I've changed. Yeah, that's kind of cool. I like that as a rebrand for me. What I really dislike is the arsenal bit. Yeah, and don't take that lightly. Yeah, I don't even like, honestly I don't even like seeing it next to my face. It's disgusting. It's despicable.

And it's good that this one was a smaller billboard, so it's the one we won't use. Okay, so which one are you leaning towards right now? I think Fresh and Lick Me. jkurwitz.com. Fresh and Lick Me. And then people can still go to your website, it exists, right? Right, yeah, I think it exists. So it is sort of promo for you. Yeah, it's good promo lick me. And then people can still go to your website, it exists, right? Yeah, I think it exists.

So it is sort of promo for you. Yeah, it's good promo for me. It's just a weird looking billboard. And the contact on there is our agent, so he'll get a lot of inbound inquiries. Especially if you put it in a high volume area. Yeah, exactly. I was looking into some billboard prices

just because I have no idea what they cost nowadays. Yeah, I'm curious too. I think the hard part is printing them. Right, but you need to do it digital. So you might need to do it digital, yeah. A digital one in a higher trafficked area might be your best month, like a few hundred bucks. That's not bad.

High traffic, how big would it be? Again, it depends on you. I want it Times Square. JakeHerwitz.com fresh and lick me. At New Year's. People are talking. JakeHerwitz. com fresh and lick me at New Year's. People are talking. Jake Hurwitz dot com who is this? Five, four, three, two, one.

Jake Hurwitz dot com fresh and lick me. You want a ball drop. Yeah the ball drop. During the ball drop or a new ball just for you? I want the OG. The real ball. The real ball, Dick Van Dyke. Is he still kicking?

He's alive but he does not host. I think you're thinking of Dick Clark. Dick Clark, yes. Is Dick Clark good? Dick Clark dead, question mark? Yeah, I think dead. Although, he looked great up until the end, so if he's still alive, it wouldn't shock me.

Yeah. Dick Clark dead, okay, yeah. I think it's a Seacrest thing now. Yeah, okay, all right, sweet. So Ryan is there. Ryan is there. So I'm with Seacrest, because I'm kind of.

You're sponsoring the whole fucking event. I have to. You're wearing the shirt. I have to explain Fresh and Lick Me. It says Fresh and Lick Me. It's you, Anderson Cooper, and Andy Cohen doing shots of Lemmoncello. Mariah Carey is there.

Ball drops. Dick Clark's corpse. And to reveal digital fucking ad. Yeah. jkurwitz.com. Fresh and lick me. Yeah. I think that'll cost a lot of money. Really? Yeah. Then I'm down to just do it in like Minneapolis. Yeah, or Toledo or something smaller.

That's fine. Yeah. Highway. Highway. That not a lot of people see. A Lamar billboard, right? Digital. It needs to be Lamar. It should be Lamar. It should ideally be Lamar.

All right. I'm glad we got to step two. I guess step three would be actually seeing the billboard in action. Yeah, and it is my, since I lost, I have to do that. All right, go Dodgers, I guess. The parade is happening right now. I knew it was gonna happen when I was in town

to fuck my traffic up, you know what I mean? Like that extra twist of the knife. Yeah, it ain't right. Thank you to Uncommon Goods for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you, thank you. It's holiday season. Right.

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by going to rocketmoney.com slash segments. Segments. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments, rocketmoney.com. Slash segments. Correct. Thanks Rocket Money. money.com. Slash segments.

Correct. Thanks Rock and Money. ["Funny"] And we're back. Yes. Let's do some quick characters since we're back in person. Okay.

These are always better IRL. Cool. This is of course an homage to our first video ever together. That's right. Where we would throw improvised characters at the other person. You have to act as though

you've been living in that character this entire time. But you're hearing it for the first time live. Right. So should I start? Yeah, go for it. Okay, here we go. This is, guy getting fired trying to fake an accent

because they can't let somebody go if they're a foreigner or so he thinks. Okay. So yeah, thanks for meeting like this. Obviously I wish this was better circumstances. We are gonna have to terminate your position and let you go. No, oh, oh, oh mate.

Oh, that's absolutely rubbish, mate. Yeah, so they'll talk to you about the Severance. My visor, it's just absolutely bollocks. I don't know what you're doing. Yeah, I've worked with you for four years. You've never once sounded like this. Cheerio. No.

Cheerio for one second. I have to call my mate. That's okay, you can call them second. I have to call my mate. That's okay. You can call them outside. I have to call my mate. You have to leave the building. Cheerio. No, it doesn't matter.

It really doesn't matter. I guess call your mate, sure. Listen, gov. Yeah. We could definitely fire you if you're British, if that's what you think. No. Yeah. We fired a British woman right before you.

Right before you and I'll see. No, you're back on, baby. Foster's, fresh and lick me. Okay, you are Guy at a barber who wants a haircut and a ball trim. A what? A ball trim. Okay.

All right, so what are we thinking? I usually just do whatever it looks like at the time. Like you can tell it's like a one on the sides. Yeah. And then blend up into a three. You leave the tops a little long. All right. Maybe I'll scissor cut the top.

Yeah. And then how do you like the... Sorry. Shorn. Yeah. I was going to say, do you like the... I'm saying man. Sorry? Go ahead. Landscape at the top. Manscape-wise, I was going to say to you, sorry, go ahead.

A landscape at the top, manscape wise, I do like, just like a. I don't mind. You don't have to tell me that. Just like a tight little. Dude, take the guard off and just, yeah, keep it short down there. You have to keep your pants on.

I will, yeah. I'll just move my shorts to the side. Okay. Then you, your lawnmower as it's called, or whatever. You pulled your penis out, you have the longest pubes I've ever seen. Which is... I know, I'm overdue. I am overdue.

So yeah, just something pretty long-ish on top. Just enough to start to, like, sort of curl over. You're arrested. The balls or the hair. For everything. For everything, yeah. I also have a gun. Okay, not bad. All right, getting back into it.

Guy on a first date talking about his hobbies, but they're all for toddlers, like tracing. Yeah, that's cool. So, uh. What do you do besides work? Besides work. I work a lot. That's why I have the car that you saw me pull up in.

I didn't see. Yeah, it's a Dodge Viper. And. I don't know if that is. I don't really know cars very well. I have, I do, I like to have fun. That's awesome. I like to have fun. Do you watch like reality shows?

I know I'm not allowed any TV time We don't do screens sometimes if we're If we're driving, I'll check out miss Rachel on my iPad. Who's we? Like my mom my dad or take me somewhere To like my friend's house or cousin or my nana. But yeah, no, I like to. Cook. No, I don't cook, but I will.

I'm kind of doing mouth mapping right now. What's that? It's kind of where I take like a whole fruit and I put it in my mouth to see how big it is. I spit most of it out on the floor. I'm still mostly breastfeeding. That's how I get my nutrients, how I move my bowels. I like to bike. Vroom, vroom. I have a tricycle that my dad's able to push in the driveway. Yeah. I'm into wine.

I don't know what that is. You don't know. Let's go back home, I guess. I'm gonna rock your fucking world. I'm gonna close. Okay, doctor whose patient is dying of an extremely rare illness, but he's kind of amped because now he's gonna get to name the disease. Okay, and I'm talking to the patient? Yeah. Yeah so I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Well good news and bad. Let's hit me with the good because I'm really hanging on by a thread talking. You're kind of talking to a famous person. What's the good news from the famous person? So do you know Luke Gehrig's disease? Yeah, the incredible- You don't have that. You don't have that.

Thank God. You have something a lot cooler. Cooler? You have Dr. Blumenfeld syndrome. Yeah, that's when every organ in your body starts secreting piss and shit at the same time, I think. Am I gonna die? But DBS? I just submitted it to the American Medical Board.

They've never heard of any of this stuff. Are you sure that's what's happening to you? Sure, my ticket in. We can give you painkillers. The disease really should be named after me. Right, I thought it was that, but I guess I beat you to it. Like you could have gone there.

I think it's just a clerical error. I'm gonna sue you for mal... Oh, it's happening. Oh, he's becoming shit. Yes. He Bloomenfelded. All right. Heating up.

Guy ordering ramen in Tokyo, and he slowly orders the whole menu for him in his Tinder date, but tries to do it casually because he thinks it's impressive. And I found a menu. Oh. This is the same Tinder date that I took home after. Yeah, okay.

I took a Tinder date to Tokyo, I think. You met. It's a first date. Yeah, you probably met them there. I met in Tokyo. Yeah, you met in Tokyo, and you suggested Ani Ramen House. Okay. And then you begin to. Meet me at Ani.

Yes. So, can I get you anything to. Meet me at honey. Yes. So can I get you anything sir? Really offensive acts. Let's kick it off with number one. Very good, number one. Number one, the show you, thank you. Thank you. And I can let me.

Excuse me, may I order, may I be so bold as to order for you Cindy, I think she'll have number two, the spicy miso. I don't really like spicy stuff. Okay, well why don't we get the spicy miso for the table because I like it, I do like it. But then, isn't that too much ramen?

It's not gonna be too much ramen because we're only here once. Yolo, yo ho. I think we'll have the chef special. Because the chef is special. It's stamina ramen. It's their version of classic chicken broth, shoyu tare, and enriched with chili paste.

Let me put these three in. Yeah, the chili paste might be a problem for my date. She doesn't like spicy. And you're already getting three ramen, so why don't we put these in? Why don't we do the three ramen, so why don't we put these in? Why don't we do the three ramen because I don't want to confuse the kitchen now that I've put the three in.

And let's also do vegan ramen and the Mazaman because that's brothless, so that's not gonna be too much. So we'll do four and five. So we'll do one, two, three, and then four and five. Okay, all five ramen's coming right up. And you can just send them out as they're ready. You don't need to hold anything back. It is a lot.

I think we'll just, one spoon is fine. And we'll do the bao buns to drink. The bao buns, the bao buns to drink. That's the pork belly, the fried tofu, the panko shrimp, the soy glazed chicken. And on the side. Yeah. Water.

I'll do a Don a Don Burry bowl. I see you have the pulled pork, the soy glazed chicken, and the bag of shrimp. Yeah, those are the three options. Is it too much to get all three of those? Definitely, especially because you got fine omelets. I'm fine for having leftovers. My hotel has a mini fridge.

Did I mention that to you my date? Yeah, you did. I have a mini fridge. Yeah, you did a lot. He upgraded me to a suite free of charge. So it has? Yeah. I have a mini fridge. Yeah, you did a lot. He upgraded me to a sweet free of charge. So it has a pullout and has a mini fridge. It has a small balcony that I can't go out because it is locked. Yeah.

I guess I was- It's suicide proof. Yeah, I guess I had that vibe. But I'm actually quite happy to be here and I'm quite happy to order a big old bite. Chomp chomp. The chicken kawarage. Hiya. That's karate but thought that would be. That's more offensive than the ax from earlier. For sure. Okay let me put this stuff in because at this one there's not much left.

Put it in but I think while you're at it you can also put in the karubata sausage, the edamame, because that's basically nothing. Why don't we send the edamame out early? Yeah, that will come out first. It's an ane salad. What's the difference between an American cucumber and a Japanese cucumber? Yeah, one is like smaller. I'd like to find out for myself. I'd like to find out for myself.

So why don't you send out Japanese cucumber. And as long as we're comparing cultures, it looks like you have some wings. That's usually what I eat most of the time at home. So yeah, there's, okay. Let's put the wings in. Do you have all that? Yeah, it's the whole menu, right?

One of everything? That's not a bad idea. Why don't we do, as long as we're here, you're right. Why don't we do the Kakuni, the soy glazed chicken, the fried tofu, the shrimp, the Atima, Ajitama I should say, and the kimchi, the enoki mushrooms. You're salivating. Why don't you just eat what you've ordered so far. Cindy, do you like umami?

I like half of the stuff you said. Let's get the umami bomb. And that's absolutely everything everything besides the lemonade, the soda and the green tea. Clearly you don't eat every drink. The lemonade, a soda and a green tea. Thank you. That'll be $21,000.

We're gonna go Dutch. Yeah. Yeah. You definitely are going. Okay. Vegan triathlete finding out that bison is an animal, okay So you just cross the finish line? Yeah Wow, wow clay Smith across the finish line

Absolutely incredible, can you tell us about Can you tell us about your diet? This is, you're the first, you set the record. I wake up and I drink tofu milk. Which is a blended soybean paste. So sustainable. For lunch I'll have a bison burger. For dinner, that's when I lean into the fruits and veggies of it all.

What do you have for lunch? You said a bison burger? Yeah, like one of those bison burgers. That's like fake meat. That's not fake. Bison. Bison is like impossible. It's not impossible.

Isn't it beyond meat? Whatever it is. It's a cow. A bison is a cow. Excuse me? Yeah. I'm likely not sure what a bison is, but it's definitely it's a cow. A bison is a cow. Excuse me? Yeah. I think, I'm actually not sure what a bison is, but it's definitely an animal. Clearly.

There's one over there, that's a bison. I've eaten that? It's charging at you. Oh, I took his dad. It bores me, gores me? Both. Got it. Okay.

Similarly, guy in a hot air balloon with another couple. So it's you and another couple. Okay. The man says to his wife, knowing that you may die before me is a burden too large to bear. Goodbye forever, my love. And when we meet again, it will be for eternity.

Whoa. And he dives off. Then it's just you and the wife who's pretty cute yeah holy shit that dude he totally come here I'll console you I can land this bus are Are you OK? You're so... Don't cry. Don't cry. This is clearly the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to probably anyone.

What he said was really weird. I think you dodged a bullet. It was beautiful. The fact that we couldn't dare to be apart so you wanted to end it soon. He just ropioed himself. I feel like that is... How about this for a romantic line? I think you're so freaking hot that I want to be around forever so I can keep looking at you.

That's pretty good actually. Really? Wait, I think he's alive. He's so dead. He's totally dead. I don't know if it's the wind. It's definitely the wind. He's gone, baby, gone. Looks like he, shh.

He would have wanted you to move on. Not this fast, I don't think. He would have wanted you to move on. In less than a minute. Could he do this? And then I floss. Yeah, he was a ballerina. Really? Yeah, he was a ballerina. Really?

Yeah, he was part of a really highly regarded dance troupe. Did his 401k look like this? He was a billionaire. That's $211. Yeah, well, I'm gonna leave it in there for a long time. How have you contributed so little? I don't have matching, so I try to, and I took a lot of it out to produce a short film,

which was pretty poorly received That's kind of nice that you bet on yourself. Yeah. Have you seen loose change? It was kind of like 11 Yeah, it was a confirmation of that. It was kind of like it's called tight coins. Yeah All right, let's hook up okay, this is I think this my last one. All right, I think I only got one more. Oh wait, nevermind, there's two more. So actually this one's, all right, this is another blind date one. Man with a giant swastika face tattoo

meeting a blind date at Color Me Mine. It's so late, this is so fucked. Hello. Oh hey, are you Robert? yeah Rob my friends call me swastika Rob oh my god swastika Rob I feel like they call you that because you have a giant swastika on your face oh yeah I guess I never thought of it that way you dumb bitch put her there

I don't know if I want to color in a plant with you two frogs For me, and would you say your name? I don't want to tell you anymore because I'm a Nazi Yeah, and one of them bowls those fucking those fucking bowls that you eat out of what's it called? Sorry, we're out of bowls. Here's a menorah for you to paint. No, I don't want to touch that devil's triton. I actually hate Jews, if you can believe me. Do you really? Yeah.

All right. That was hard to get into character because I'm not Hitler, basically, Trump style. That's fair. All right, last one for you. Yeah. Guy who's trying to make fun of his waiter because he was a childhood bully.

The only problem is he's never heard of carrot or ginger and the soup of the day is, you guessed it, carrot ginger soup. Okay. So my bully is the waiter. Yeah, and he says the soup of the day is carrot ginger. You've never heard of either of those things. And you're here to make fun of me. Got it.

So yeah, the soup of the day is carrot ginger. Let me know if you want anything. What's it? Huh? The soup of the, moron says what? The soup of the day is what? Carrot ginger moron says what? The super today is what? Ginger Merit finger

Merit finger Uh, no, i've never heard of a merit i've never heard of a finger unless you do you mean finger finger ginger ginger? I mean ginger ginger I've heard of a gin And i've heard of a juror you have i've heard of a gin and I've heard of a jerk. You have? I've heard of jerk, cause you were a jerk.

Yeah, sorry about that. In high school and in college. You pushed me down the flight of stairs three weeks ago. And I guess you forgot some words. It's a carrot, it's ginger. Ginger? Ginger? As in you're a jerk to me.

Sorry, I gotta kick this guy's ass again. No, no, no, no. Ow! Wedgie. Oh! Yay! Ginger? Yeah.

Okay, I do have one more. Okay. You are, poor, young, hot guy asking a rich 98-year-old woman to marry him and saying it's not about the money. I don't know, Esther. I just feel like this is so much more than a casual Slash fling don't you find me hot? You like it when I go down on you Fine. It's fine. It's incredible. You're fucking almost a hundred. I don't have a lot of time.

I just want to have fun. Exactly. Who else in this home can say they got their pussy snatched? I don't want to commit to anything. Like that. Don't get me wrong. You go down on me like... A lot. Yes. You're doing it now. And I feel like I should be compensated in kind for the love I'm willing to give in turn.

What do you mean compensated? Is it about the money? I'm not about the money at all! It's about a long-term commitment! Me for me! I want to be in there without anybody else! I don't know who's fucking coming through here on the days I don't visit. Yes, I have a lot of suitors.

I want something in writing that says you and me are for the rest of time. Oh, whoever survives longer That's so uncouth That's really uncouth to be talking about money at a time like this I can get you a ring if you spot me $10,000 it cost to get a diamond for you. Were you on the Titanic? Yes.

I knew I recognized you. Yes I was. All right. Great. It was easy to improvise. Yeah. Cause it's fine and fun and friendly and hopefully enjoyable to listen to.

That's the dream. Exactly. Yeah. Be right back. Exactly. Yeah. Be right back. Bye. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. Yes, sir.

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Boom, baby. Thanks BetterHelp. Thank you. Okay, we're back and I have a random game, literally random. That's funny. I generated a list of random things. Okay.

We're gonna see how well you know me because I assigned each thing a rank in my head from one to 10, 10 being the best. I love this thing. Yeah. Zero, or one being the worst. Okay. I don't like it at all.

Right. How many things? I have 10, but we'll see how many we get through. Okay. I'm gonna try to get through this list with a total difference of 20. An average of two off per. Right, and if you don't, then I do a billboard of you.

You know everything is a billboard bet. You become bankrupt immediately. Okay, then all right. I'll add an extra one just in case we want to do an even 10. Okay number one blouse. Blouse I have to guess what you'd rank blouse. Yeah. Any blouse? Yeah blouse. Blouse. How do I feel about blouses? I assume you don't think about them at all. think about them at all. Yeah, they're not part of your life whatsoever. So, I guess, and it's one through 10.

One through 10, but one being I don't like them. Yeah, three. You don't like blouses. I don't like them? Yeah. You're right, I don't think about them. I'm neutral, I'm five. Okay, so that's still two off.

That's pretty good, yeah. Okay, doll. Doll? Doll. The food's pretty good, yeah. Okay, doll. Doll? Doll. The food or like the? No, like a doll. Like a little doll. Like a toy doll.

Like a toy doll? Yeah. Again, I gotta put that up there with blouses. I don't even think your Gemma daughter is with dolls at this age at all. So it's not really in your life. No dolls at all. Yeah, no dolls yet.

And it's another thing, you don't like things. So I have to say three again. Two. Two, not interested in doll. Or blouses, I think. I think I'm more correct about that than you are. Vacation. Oh, vacation is high.

You love vacation. I mean, it's stupid to say 10 because I can't be, you know, off. Like I should say nine, that way I get one off if you say eight or 10. If I say 10 and you say eight, it's two off. But I really don't think you're gonna say eight. I can't imagine it's not a 10.

I'm gonna say 10. It's 10. It's absolutely 10. There's nothing wrong with vacation. You love vacation. But what about magazines? Wait, what am I off so far? I'm off by two and one, three.

Three. Three through three. Yeah. It's a great start. Magazines, another thing that you don't necessarily give a shit about. Again, it's a thing that you don't like having around. You don't even read digital magazines, I don't think. Three. Three. Four.

Oh, okay, that's good. I like looking at pictures sometimes. Yeah, sometimes. So now I'm four off through four. Yeah, very good. I just can't do a huge fuck up where you gave blouses a nine and I give them two. Right, I don't care about blouses.

Do I care about sailboats? Sailboats? Sailboat. You like the idea of a sailboat, you don't know how that. Do I care about sailboats? Sailboats? Sailboat. You like the idea of a sailboat, you don't know how to use a sailboat, but you know, sometimes on vacation, you'll go out on a boat and that's kinda nice. We've been on a sailboat once and I got so violently ill

I started throwing up a naked juice I had. Yeah. I don't think you get motion sickness like that. It's seven ish Take me to your dealer It's correct Don't get fucking too cocky cuz you have no idea how I feel about toothbrushes. Yes, I do. You like toothbrushes.

I think. I'm only four off through five. I have some room to slip. Yeah. I mean, toothbrushes are really, really, really necessary and you have an electric toothbrush and you pride yourself on oral hygiene. This, a 10 is in play, but it's also a thing and you don't like things.

Like vacation is an experience which you like more. You're not gonna be like, I love toothbrushes, but you do kind of love toothbrushes. I'll say eight. Nine. Yes. I do love toothbrushes. I've got the Phillips, the Phillips diamond, excuse me. Diamond brush.

Doesn't matter. I mean, my God, you're probably with an oral B or something. No, I also have a Sonicare. Nice. Yeah. Towel. Hmm. Wait, so right now I'm only five off through six.

This is number seven. Yes, I think so I think you like towels as well It's a thing of again, but it's a necessary thing and a good towel is great But sometimes you get out of the ocean you just like to air dry doesn't mean you don't like towels Sometimes you just like the feeling of being kind of cooled off on a warm day. I love how well you know me.

I'm curious if that affects your views of towels though. No, you need to towel. You bathe your child, that child gets a towel. You wear a towel after you swim. You wear a towel after you shower. I mean, nine is in play like a toothbrush, but it's not as exciting. Maybe you do your research and be like,

oh, I really like these towels. Oh, I kinda like towels that look like this, but they don't necessarily sop up the moisture as much. So I'm gonna err on the side of an old, they're nothing like an old towel, you would say, potentially. So I'll give that a seven. I do love a threadbare towel.

I docked towel two points because sometimes when the towel is too soft, it's not gonna absorb enough moisture. And that's very frustrating to be out of the shower, little cold, drying yourself off, but it's just kind of spreading water around your body. So sometimes, yeah, bad towels are a really bad experience. No, because a bad toothbrush is still a good experience.

And a bad vacation is still a vacation. Yes, yes, yes. Towels, how do I feel about greeting cards? You're still not- You didn't say towel. You didn't say what it was. I got an eight, I said I docked two points. Oh, I thought you said like, I had it at a four,

but it's a type of, I see. I like towels. I like towels. You docked it from 10 to eight,, I said 7. Yeah, so you're in good shape. Don't get pissed at me I'm 6 off through 7. I have so much room to spare your yeah You're just trying to get a cumulative of what 20 under 20 under 20. It's not gonna be a problem I haven't been off by more than two. Yeah, how do I feel about greeting cards? Ooh, this couldn't can go either way. Cause you like to write like thank you notes as like a nice personal touch,

but I don't think it means anything when you get a greeting card. Maybe it does if it's like a nice one from Jill. It's like, oh, that's touching. But at the same time, you don't like things and that's a thing, where am I gonna put it? How long do I have to keep it? Do I have to throw it away?

I hate getting fucking holiday cards cause I'll put it in the fridge and blah, blah, blah. So this one has the highest variance. You like the ones from people you love. You hate the ones from people you don't. I'll give it a smack dab in the middle five. Grading cards are a three for me. Okay, still only two.

I do like, I like them sometimes, but it's a real, it's a major thing. Yeah. I like, I, well, I'll just, Jill saves them and I like hover around the kitchen. I'm like, did you read this one? Yeah, can we? Let's read it one more time.

Happy holidays. Bye for now. Yeah. We still have her sister save the date for her wedding. I'm like, we are involved. I know when it is. We can get rid of it, right? We have to hold it on till the wedding?

Come on. Thermostat. Thermostat. Thermostat. Nine. Nine. Nine. Interesting. No explanation needed. Do you think I love the thermostat? It's convenient, it's nice, it's a nest. You can do it from home, you can do it from the work, and it's a necessary fun, It's a necessary evil to me. I actually, I can't stand the thermostat. Really?

I have a house that wants to be smarter than it is. I see. That thinks it knows when I come and go, what temperature I like it, that's. Constantly changing it even if you're not changing it. Yeah, and I'm just like, just chill out, I'll do it. You don't have to worry about it at all. So you don't like your thermostat.

I don't like it, but that's everywhere now. But you do like controlling the temperature in the house. It's like, oh, it's cold in here, I'm gonna turn on the heat, is it on? I can't feel anything. I'm not into it at all. I gave thermostat a three. Wow, okay.

I'm lucky I banked some leeway earlier because I think I'm at like a 13 at this point. There's only one left. The final thing is keychains. You hate them. You sort of have one, but you don't wanna have one. Again, it's a thing. You have that like, what's it called?

The one that you clip to your back. It's not a keychain, it's a carabiner. Yeah, but isn't that a keychain? not a keychain, it's a carabiner. Yeah, but isn't that a keychain? Not a keychain, it's a key clip. So if that's what you like and it's not a keychain, then you must really dislike keychains, so I'll give it a two.

Two is correct. Two? Two is correct. So why was that not a keychain? Well, because it has a purpose. It clips my keys to my pants so I don't lose them. I don't like the key chains too. No key chains are just like decorative things that you have to like.

Oh, that you add to the thing. Yeah, yeah. Or it's like, oh, I have a little fucking. That's what I think. A bottle cap. Yeah, yeah. Right, exactly. I see.

Yeah, definitely too. Cool. Okay, so the only one I kind of messed up was the thermostat. Right. And everything else was pretty accurate. Really accurate. Wait, I should try this one for the next episode.

Yeah. Okay, if you're listening to this, that means democracy survived until at least Monday. Right, at least we were able to publish the episode, which means we are gonna be in Chicago soon. That's true. November 14th. As long as flights are still taking off,

et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, how bad could things be? This is like the episode before COVID that we did. We're like, it'll be weird for a week, but I'll get sick or not and be fine. Right. So hopefully everything is okay and we'll be in Chicago on November 14th.

That's right. Tickets are still available at headgum.com slash live. That's also right. And for more of us, you can watch us on our Patreon, Patreon.com slash J.A. That's right too. And we will see you here next week. Bye, bye everybody.

That was a Hidgum Original.