If I Were You - 541: Porn Ultimatum

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

In this episode we discuss the best states, the worst dates, and cheating in dreams. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Tell the truth And above all, you do you and Seize the cheese If I If I were you If I were you Damn, what a crooner.

Yeah. Did you like that or would you like say that he was a little flat on the No way. How dare you give a note. You fucking because you're nothing. You're a troll. Do you hear me right here? I'll admit that that was actually pretty, pretty good.

And that was like with minimal vocal war. You know, you my my left your air pod wasn't quite working. Can you hit that note one more time? I just want to see. I want to make sure you can do it twice because that's kind of what makes you, you know, every step of it. I'll be here every step of the way. Yeah.

And then it goes up like from there. Yeah. Sorry. The zoom is doing that thing where it like cuts off like kind of, you know, a noise that could be painful to your ears, you know, like you did you because you were so grating. And I'm glad you did it twice because that did confirm my belief that you actually you your tone deaf flat and you're not good at singing, but.

But I bet you wish you could sing like me. Wow, Whitney. Yeah. That is that you. She's dead. You know, saying the original version of that song. No. Maybe it wasn't the original, but in the 60s or 70s, Dolly Parton sang that song.

Huh. And it's a great rendition. I will always love you. Yeah. Dolly Parton. Maybe it was like who sang an old song. Who sang that one that we heard? That was Whitney Houston.

Yeah. No way. Oh, sorry. If I were you theme song, it was Sean Hotley. Who's a day one listener, a short cover of the Whitney Houston. I will all you always love you from. Do you remember the movie? Bodyguard.

That's right. The bodyguard starring Whitney Houston and Bruce Willis. I think it was Kevin Costner. That's what I was trying to debate in my head. Yeah. You think it was Kevin Costner, huh? I feel like the movie was just like a reason to have Whitney sing the song. Like the song was such an important.

It's like the Titanic movie where it's like the movie was big, but it's really all about that song. It's like the song is almost as big, if not bigger. Yeah. The song is more iconic than the movie. That's for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

And I just looked it up and I was right. It is Kevin Costner. All right. Good. Me and Kevin Costner, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. You said it was somebody else.

Me and Kevin Costner, both January 18th babies. Really? I don't know if that's like cool for him. Cool for me. I bet we're both equally humbled and honored to have that out of boys with each other. Well, he definitely doesn't know that you have the birthday because you're irrelevant to Costner, but I will say that I think that's pretty cool and I actually might change my birthday so I can share my birthday with the Costco.

So maybe I wouldn't mind being born on 118. I cannot do that. You get one birthday's shift. I think if you get a name change, you get a birthday change. I think I tweeted this one time where for $10,000, you should be able to nudge your birthday a day. So it's not like a full shift. It's like a $10,000 one time nudge.

Like obviously you want to like be close to your birthday. So like I can't just say I want to be fucking fourth of July or whatever. I think you should be able to do that. Here's 10 grand. Make my legal birthday the 17th of January. I don't think it should cost that much. I think it's like a name change. I just think you can't abuse it.

You get one and it could be whatever you want within a year. Nudge? You can't change the year. But you can't go from January 1st to December 31st. That's like borderline giving you an extra year of life. That's the beauty of the nudge. It's more of a budge than a nudge because it won't budge that much. It's a bump.

It's a scoot. It's a slide. The nudge is a budge. It's a fudge. Okay. Yeah, exactly. I could share a birthday with Obama if I nudged. I do one day nudge.

And oddly enough, I could do that too with Michelle Obama. That is really interesting. We don't talk about that enough, the fact that you and I are one day off of the Obamas. Yeah. I think that's what makes you and I a power couple. Honestly, they should nudge if we're talking about nudge. To match us? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, 8.5 is a pretty glorious birthday if I do say so myself. Because it's 8.5, 8.5. Yeah. I mean, mine is especially special. But I think even 8.5 is pretty good. Why is it any better than 8.4? Because, well, I mean, for me, it's 8.5, 8.5.

Right. But you say even regardless of that. Regardless, I think it's a nice number. I think 8.5 is, you know, that's a number people like to see. Ocho Cinco. Yeah. The 5. I think the 5 is good.

I mean, 8.4 is pretty solid as well. Yeah. I'm going to come up with the nudging idea as a business plan and sell it to the fucking government. Cut this part out. Because I want to like go live slash public with it soon. You want that funding. You want those government contracts.

You're the bookkeeping. And I actually could be a notary for your new business. Because you're going to need. I didn't, but I think I still think I can do it. New York is a pretty easy, or no, actually Connecticut is where I'm going to get notarized. New York is a little harder. Officially through you.

Yeah, but I have to notarize things. I think I have to notarize things in Connecticut, unfortunately. But if I notarize something in Connecticut, it would be recognized anywhere you need a notary. Let's touch base offline. You want to connect later? Okay. Let me connect.

Have your assistant get my avails for later in the week. Yeah. And we'll circle up. I'm seeing your calendar avails. Yeah. Right here. And some blackout hours. That's actually a lot of blackout hours.

Yeah. Well, I'm masturbating in a hyperbaric chamber from Tuesday to Tuesday of next week. I didn't want to say that. Yeah. Under the details. Yeah. It was very explicit in the calendar.

Public calendar, by the way. Yeah. A sensory deprivation chamber. And you did get that notarized. Yes. Sean, who wrote and performed that song, co-host a podcast that's a chapter by chapter review slash critique of drumroll, please.

The Hardy Boys books. Oh, good shit. Three years. I never read those, but it seems like they would be fun to read. Yeah. I never read them either. Three years, five books, four live shows later, and we're loving all four of our listeners.

You can find it at Hardy and Sunday. You can find it at Hardy and SonsPodcast.com or find me at My Full Name Allow or My Full Name All LowercaseNoSpaces.com. Interesting. Wow, that does actually forward to his full name. There's no way that's easy to remember or spell. My Full Name All LowercaseNoSpaces.com.

That's like something we would give out on a Squarespace ad. Yeah. Okay, let's get to business. Actually, quick housekeeping. I think we are close to, if not at, the nine-year anniversary of our podcast. Not really a special one, but getting closer to 10. We started in May of 2013.

Wow. What do you want to do for the nine-year anniversary? I mean, we're probably going to miss it because I'll be traveling and we're recording in advance. Why traveling during the anniversary? Yeah, I'm actually going to be on tour with my other, more successful, frankly, podcast. No way, where?

We're going to Ireland in the UK. Dublin, London, Manchester, Edinburgh. I love Ireland. I love Ireland. You should go. You should definitely go. You're not invited with me, but you're allowed to go there. All right, put me on the list.

On your own time and on your own dime. If you want to go to the show, I can get you a comp, but you are going to have to buy a drink. It's a two-drink minimum. And you'll have to bring me a gift, obviously, for the courtesy. What courtesy? What courtesy? I just love to get a drink.

I invited you to my show. I don't want the Guinness. I really don't think I could drink two of them in one show. You can get a diet soda. You just can't get water. They overcharge for those knowing that I'm sort of trying to skirt the alcohol fee. You can get a bottle of water for the bottle. And you might as well buy a t-shirt from the merch table while you're there as a courtesy.

Give me a t-shirt. I'll wear it for free as a courtesy. For our anniversary, give me a shirt. I'll fly myself to the show, pay for the ticket. You get one of the two drinks, and I'll get the shirt for a courtesy. I'll give you a shirt, but you're buying a poster for as a courtesy. I'll wear this as a courtesy. I'll wear the shirt for free as a courtesy.

You then have to give me an autograph for the poster I'll pay for as a courtesy. Yes, that's right. That's a courtesy. That's a courtesy. Okay. Thank you. I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. Thank you.

I really think you should upgrade my ticket to Dublin on Air Lingus from comfort to comfort plus. You want extra leg room as a courtesy on Lingus? I can get you a checked bag, but we're not going to do anything about this. Actually, you know what? As a courtesy, I will give you comfort plus, but it will be a middle seat. You're going to have to do me that courtesy. I can't spring for the aisle. I cannot afford the window.

As a courtesy though. As a courtesy. I will get you a checked bag, but you will be Ubering from the airport. I can't pick you up. That's a courtesy to me. They have Uber and Doublas? Yes, they have it. It's an international company.

As a courtesy. As a courtesy. Here's a porn relate. You talked about jerking it in your calendar. Oh, come on. Here's a great jerking it question with a great subject line, the porn ultimatum. I love it already. I'm a 27 year old female in my first ever long term serious relationship.

Is there are there any girls in like porn that we can refer to this person as like do girls do porn too? Or is it just usually directors and producers that you know? Yeah, no, I know mostly. Yeah, I know mostly the men behind the production company and the men who own the streaming conglomerates. You know, the reality king is the browsers, if you will. But I can name. Sure, I can name a porn star.

Do you want to give me a genre? What do you mean? Like like horror or like? What do you mean? Like big ass, big tits, anal, FFM, MFF. You know, that type of thing. Oh, yeah. I'm gaping.

Yeah, sure. Gaping. Really? Permission to give me a subgenre. Let's go Jessa Rhodes. Right. 27 year old female in a long term relationship. First ever long term serious relationship.

It's going well except my boyfriend is way too into porn. It's like part of his routine. The way some people might have a show they watch or a yoga class they go to on Thursdays. He watches porn on Thursdays. It's not that that's the only time he watches it, but that's when he makes the biggest meal of it. Some nights I'll be like, I want to watch a film and he'll be like, nah, I got to watch porn. Sometimes I'll wait for him to finish to start whatever I'm doing. But other times I'm too annoyed and just go ahead and then he'll get annoyed and try to get me to restart.

If I'm watching something or be passive aggressive about us eating dinner separately, we've been late to social events because of his habit. He talks to his mutual friends about it, which is embarrassing and the files and tabs are pretty prominent on his laptop and desktop computer. Also it can't be a shared sexy time activity because I only like gay porn and he won't watch that. We're still fucking and it's not affecting that except maybe making me a little less confident myself. Personally, I only watch porn during dry spells, not when I'm getting it on the regs. So I'm okay with other people still partaking. I just hate how big of a presence it is in my life.

Do you think it's time to come to the porn ultimatum or is there another way out? Thanks. PS, we both have tickets to NADpod in Dublin. Wow. So if we break up, at least one of us won't go. All right. Well, I'm glad we're answering this probably before the show. So hopefully they are going to both be there.

This is weird. Is this not weird to you? Well, at first it's like, let your boyfriend watch porn, but then it's like, oh, he's doing it so much that he's missing social obligations, sort of neglecting you. And now suddenly you're playing second fiddle to this hobby slash borderline addiction that he has. And she actually acts as PPS as I'm writing. I'm wondering if I should be worried about him. Is porn addiction a serious problem? It's, I mean, it is a real thing, but it doesn't necessarily sound like he has it.

It's almost like he's, he's a little too proud of it. Like, I think it's normal to watch porn and engage with porn and have your own private, rich, masturbatory life. But the key word there I think is private. I don't think that it is necessarily something that you should be like, I'm going to go watch porn now. You know, that seems odd. The fact that he's not like a little bit hiding it, he's more, you're saying it's weird that he's like so open about it. He's talking about it like it's just like a TV show that he watches. Yeah, like, I think that it's, I don't know, maybe, maybe I'm just old school, but like, I'm okay with everyone knowing the idea of that.

I watch, you know, that I watch porn, but I don't, I don't want people to know exactly when that's. And how that's personal. Yeah. Yeah, it is personal. But I think the bigger problem is like, you know, as long as we're trying to like, you know, be sex forward and positive and people should talk about porn like television if they want to or whatever. The bigger problem is like missing other things. Like I think that's when like addictions start to become a problem where it's like, do I like alcohol or am I an alcoholic? One of those questions are like, do you like find yourself like not being there for other people because of alcohol?

Is it a problem? Do you prioritize the porn over other things? Yeah, exactly. So like if you're doing it a lot or a little doesn't necessitate addiction, it just seems like the problem is when it creates problems in your life. Like for example, she can't start a movie until you're done cranking it and she can't eat dinner without or she has to eat dinner without you because you're too busy masturbating. Right. So I guess to me it's almost like just take pretend that it's not about masturbating, you know, pretend that it's not about porn. Let's just say it's an anime.

He's really into anime or something. He has another hobby. He's okay. So I have to watch movies and he's like late to them and sometimes I eat dinner by myself. Yeah. I don't think that's grounds for dismissal. I think that's an that's on in line with other annoying relationship things. Yeah.

I think the solution here is to be like, watch all the porn you want, but just don't tell me that that's what you're doing. You know, find a reasonable excuse. Or stick to stick to a schedule like you can't. During our time, you can't be late or dropping the ball or, you know, so it's not, but yeah. And it's not necessarily about the porn. It's like, Hey, we're eating dinner. You can't watch porn right now. Like, of course, but it's like we're eating dinner.

You have to be around for that, you know, so yeah, porn or not. If we're going to watch a movie, I expect you to be around, you know, to do that. If we're going to eat dinner, I you have a reasonable expectation as someone's girlfriend that they're not going to like be late. Make you eat alone. Yes, exactly. And then when it comes to the biggest issue is that she said it has no effect other than making her feel less confident, which I would say is a very big effect. Right. And I don't think that that's something that you should be feeling in a relationship.

You should always be feeling more confident, more yourself in a relationship. Right. So again, porn aside, I would share that fact. I'm feeling less confident because of X, Y and Z. Right. And and you should do everything you can to correct or address it. Right. So it's like, I would just be like, I'm not, I'm not embarrassed or ashamed or upset about the porn itself, but more so about the fact that this hobby, whatever it is, is taking priority over me.

Yeah. And then maybe you can answer this question live on stage as like, who's your who's your most recent character that you're doing at this specific live show? Do you know this? My there's two different answers. My wrote my most recent character is a half giant named Calder Kilday. Uh huh. But I will be performing in Dublin as hard one sure foot. Okay.

So like, it could be like almost like a hard one. Like, how would he possibly try to come and hear the show because the story hundreds of people have bought tickets to see not. But you could. Yeah. But you could in theory, like roll a five and then stare this guy directly in the eyes and then like say something like, I don't really know how to do the voice, but like you should. Yeah. A really so like a really low role, then interrupt the show and talk about this guy's personal problem that he wrote into another podcast for. Yeah, exactly.

Just him and his girlfriend and me. So three people in the whole entire room will know what's going on because again, this episode won't have aired. Yeah. This episode won't have aired by the time I'm at the at the Dublin show. So everybody would be confused. Yeah. Saying that though does make me think that I should do it just because it would really freak just these two people out who hadn't heard the show and known that I read the email. Just a quick sample of what that would sound like.

I'm just curious, like hard one, sort of admonishing this guy's porn watching habits. Like what would that. Hey, you can watch porn, but just don't be so loud about it. That's good. And then Murphy would be like, what are you? Sorry. You just walked up to an elf and that's what you're that's what you're saying. Sorry, this guy wrote into my other podcast, not hard ones, but not my, you know, Jake's podcast.

Excuse me. Sorry, Dublin. Why am I being dragged off stage? Oh, come on. For breaking the fourth wall. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Let us know how it goes and let me know if you end up meeting this. I want to say power couple at this point. Yeah. For sure. All right. Let's take a break. Thanks sponsors. Come back and answer more questions on the other side of these massages.

Peace. Thank you to Helix sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what

mattress is right for you. Yeah. Right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't how you sleep for the better part of a decade. Excuse me. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it.

I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or. Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for

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You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we have returned no unsolicited advice this week because we're so burnt out from our company trip to Arizona. We all went to Scottsdale and met each other for the first time. And you would call that being burnt out from it?

That feels like a negative connotation to take away. And soar from the week slash weekend that we did from Tuesday to Friday. So I guess burnt out maybe makes sense, but I feel like I'm energized. I'm enthusiastic. I'm excited for the future. The team is good. The team is great. Everybody was nasty to me and you didn't really defend me on the days.

I think you ended up arriving with a bad attitude. Having had. Yeah. Having had way too many martinis on the flight. You were absolutely blackout drunk. I had to fly myself in. And you were so drunk that you couldn't do the company happy hour, which was a company sanctioned time to consume alcohol.

A sad hour. That's what I called it for me. Yeah, but we basically have hired so many people during the pandemic at Head Gum that by the time our first company offsite happened last week in Arizona, we were meeting people that we were working with for the first time in years. Yeah. It was a handful of people. It was their second day.

All right. So it's like, we just hired you virtually and now meeting you for the first time. And this is your first day. Hired virtually on a Friday. Monday is the first day. Tuesday they fly to Arizona and are just on vacation with us for a few days. Yes. Did you enjoy the Topgolf because I had never played it before, but I was intrigued by it.

Yeah. I guess I feel the same way that I did do about bowling with Topgolf. It's kind of fun for a couple of frames. It's fun for a game. But then when you play for three hours, by the end, I didn't care when it was my turn or not. You know, in the beginning, you're just kind of eagerly waiting like I want to hit the balls.

Yeah. Three hours later, somebody be like, Jake, it's your turn. And I was just like, you know, down getting, getting food or talking to somebody like, oh, OK, I'll come back, hit my five balls or my 10 balls as quick as possible and then leave because my hands were hurting. Yeah. I had a blister for some reason. I will say that there were a few good golfers among us and it did make me want to be like,

I want to like look like that when I'm because I had never hit a golf ball. I'd never done driving range. So like, yeah, it seems pretty self-explanatory. Just whack the ball. And yet there's so many little things that you could do right or wrong. Yeah. They're if and the funny thing is like, I think you and I both know like enough about the mechanics of a swing like a couple of times we connected.

And when you connect right and it just goes far and straight and everything works, it feels like fucking a hot knife through butter. It's just it's beautiful. And then that ball so far away. Yeah, you like barely you like you you feel the stroke a tiny little bit, but you mostly like just hear it and you just know that it's soaring. It's been like 90 percent of the time I'm just like whacking it, slicing it. Yeah, feeling a vibration through my hands like, oh, that like or missing it entirely.

Yeah. Yeah, that that hurts your ego more than your hands. So right. It's that I don't think would I call. I'm never going to I never say never. But it doesn't hold any interest for me. I wouldn't be like, oh, man, I want to get good at golf. Ideally, I'd be able to drive the ball far.

But that's all I care about. I would say I'm intrigued to try like an 18 holes, like, because it does seem like a nice way to pass like four outdoor hours. Like there are people who are already playing tennis, right? And I'm playing tennis and if I go to like a place with a good golf course and I just have no idea how to play, which is where I currently am. And putting seems fun, too, because of mini golf. Yeah, putting probably at the very least, putting seems like easier to fake it with.

Yeah, driving is like a real if you it's a it's a major humbler. You it's very evident if you don't know what you're doing. Mini golf, I feel like you can fake it for the game part with a with driving. There was no aim for me. I would just swing and sometimes hit it, sometimes not. Sometimes it would go four inches. Sometimes it would go 200 yards, and there's just no way of telling which direction that would go in.

Yeah. What? So is that all you got out of the retreat? You know, whether what else do we do? What else did we do? Oh, there was that time I just sort of went on a solo walk. Yeah, just down the side of the highway. Yeah, that actually did happen. Our Uber driver blew a tire on the freeway. And so he changed the tire on the freeway, which was incredibly dangerous, but we survived that. Horrifying.

But it was cool to actually see everybody. And I want makes me wonder when we'll actually be able to do that again. I know. I hope soon. I mean, we'll we'll do another headgum live event, though, like those are those are usually optional. I guess this is technically optional, but yeah, maybe I'll do a headgum live show. You mean? Yeah, right. Yeah. I mean, we had such an incredible turnout.

And what did you think of Arizona in general? Are you pro or anti-Zona? You know, I guess ultimately pro, but it I'm more of a I like the flora, you know, I like a little forest green space. Yeah, I like some slightly cooler atmosphere. I mean, it was like 95 and sunny every single day. Yeah, a lot of quite dry, quite arid. Yeah, very dry.

I don't have any issue with Arizona. I don't think that like I don't think Arizona makes my top ten states that I'd like to live in list, though. Interesting. Well, where what nine states would you put above Arizona? If it's New York, New York, Connecticut, California, three. Washington, sorry.

Yeah, Washington, Oregon. OK, that's five. OK. And then let's figure Hawaii, obviously, Texas, North Carolina, not Texas. Really? Not Texas. North Carolina is seven. Yeah, you're running out of states really fast.

Not running out of states. There's 50 of them. Michigan. I don't want to go to Illinois. Michigan actually probably does right above it. Yeah. No, not really. Not really.

Tennessee, let's say. Oh, interesting. Like a Memphis Nashville style. Yeah, Nashville. Yeah, that's eight. Florida. Would you put Florida above Arizona? I actually might.

Really? At least by the beach. Wow. I'm a surfer now. But maybe I'd stick it more, more in the northeast. And I'd say Maine. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Maine. Maine over Arizona. Yeah, definitely. You're not afraid of the cold, cold months. No. And there's a couple other ones that would be, did I ever say Idaho? Because Idaho is... No, of course you didn't say Idaho.

Idaho. Idaho's got the Sawtooth Mountains. Idaho is cool. It's got some lakes. Yeah. You know, then there's Montana. That would probably be pretty sick. But I'm not choosing any of these.

I'm just saying I'd probably do something cheeky and be like New Jersey. And I'd live in Jersey City, which is basically like still living in New York. Oh, yeah. That's nice. Arizona in the 11 to 12 range. Probably 11 to 15. You'd have to have it above like the Missouri's of the world or something like that. Yeah, it'd be above Missouri.

I think it'd also be above Michigan ultimately. Really? That's really interesting. At the end of the day. Damn, that's cool. Because Sedona is pretty cool. And it's got the mountains. It's got the greens.

There are... Yeah. Scottsdale is different than the rest of Arizona. I can feel my ats piling up, but don't bother because I won't read them. But you were an on Zillow in Arizona like you are in other states. That's correct. That's correct. And that's for me.

How would you... I purchased a condo. And a condom. In Phoenix. I actually took out a loan on a condom. So I paid 40 cents down. Oh, home equity line of condom. 59 cents over the next 30 years.

How would you rank our employees? We have about 30 people that work for us. Damn. That's a great question. So like starting with number 30, you know, like bottom of the barrel. At the bottom. So like starting at Jeffrey down there and then going up. Yeah.

Going up from Jeff. Okay. So Jeff at the lowest. Yeah. Jeff is max garbage. Yeah. Um, Marty, I would put 29. 29.

Yeah. Pile 28. 28. I would put him at 27. Oh, interesting. And Michigan at 26 or 28. Yeah. Michigan's at 29.

Yeah. 28. Yeah. And then who else? Who else is... Just like bargain basement shitty down there. Hmm. Yeah.

Grim? The guy that edits this one? Oh, yeah. So I don't even consider him as a person. Yeah. So Grim last or writer. Yeah. Yeah.

Jeff. Grim dead last. Dead last. Yeah. That's Grim. That's good. Colin. I can't think of anyone that cracks the top 10.

There's no way even on a curve you'd have to put somebody on the top 10. Even if they're all bad. Like you can still rank people. I'm just kidding. I don't mean to be nasty. Everybody's actually really good. I suck. I'm 30.

It's you that's bad. Yeah. That makes sense. Anyways, I thought it was, I thought the, the team building thing we did was pretty fun. I thought it was very humanizing to hear other people like talk through, like we had a basically a corporate coach type thing, which I think... It was like an office therapy session. Yeah.

On paper I would think it would be very lame. And in practice, I thought it was interesting just to watch other people at the company connect with what the person was saying and kind of like, you know, she gave all these like prompts, you know, like your visions for the future. What are the things that hold you back? What would you do if there, if you didn't have these things holding you back, et cetera, et cetera. And like hearing people's responses, I was like, oh, this is a very, you know, relatable

thing. And so much more in common with everybody that works here than you might think. Yeah. I also heard about like people at different companies going on like their first trips in a while and it was kind of underwhelming for them and they didn't quite love it. So it's nice to be at a place where it seemed like everybody was having a good time. Yeah. Highlights.

I think for me, the trail run that I did with English and Brad. Oh, interesting. That was a lot of fun. Because I was just like two people. Everybody else wasn't there for that. Yeah. But it was a highlight. It was different to be a highlight.

It seems like you're. Yeah. Because I, it's not not alienating. I like when we were all together in a way. I'm just old fashioned like that. I guess I like it when we're all doing shit together. Yeah. Well, when you were, when we were at Topgolf, you were trying to muster up a group of people

to go to the casino and ultimately only you and Cohen left. And we did consider wanting to go and actually leave, right? I couldn't leave. Yes. Because the bus was going to take everyone else back to hotel. You tried to gather a contingent of casino goers and you were severely rejected before might have been the highlight for me. That was five to seven of us sort of going to the Talking Stick Resort shout out to them.

Yes. Getting kind of the shit beaten out of me at one of the poker rooms because I was caught dealing hangers basically as it were. I was going south so pocketing some chips off the table and trying to like muck. I did a lot of like sort of gray area shit like fake muck my cards to see if I can like get other people to fold face up and then be like, oh, and I didn't actually muck my cards. I want to see like what that person had.

So I was just like doing a bunch of like kind of weird strategy stuff that doesn't necessarily mean that I was cheating, but it wasn't in good faith slash conscience and that was probably a kind. It wasn't it was a returned in kind and it was a fun night to be there and the other highlight was the pool area where you guys would spend sort of creating games for people to play, including are you close enough to a stream or not? So you would sort of blindfold stream or not? Yeah, stream or not where you would blindfold.

Oh, no, it was actually it was it was proximity or not. Are you close enough to this stream or not? Yeah. So the stream had these like little or sorry, the pool had these like little fountain stream. These just tiny little jets that like shot like three feet into the pool and me, Micah Dain, Brad and we were we were trying to figure out so or so we made these we made these games. One of them was proximity or not, we were on a raft and you would lie down with your eyes closed on someone on the raft and somebody you shut your eyes, you get spun around, move

right, left and then at the end, you had to guess if you were in proximity to the stream or or not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That game lasted a few rounds because ultimately you couldn't really tell where you were blindfolded, right? Right.

It was it was a complete coin toss and it just wasn't that fun to not be in proximity. Yeah. But we did have we had another very good game. I think wait, was it Joel that we were also playing with? Yeah. We're this is the one where you were trying to get a can on a raft across the pool. Yeah. That's right.

And for people who promised not to look would try to knock over the raft. Right. So you had yeah, you had the you had the can on the raft upright and the mission was for the person you had two people. This is eventually we perfected the game because we tried a couple different versions of this. This is the unsolicited advice for people to play this game that you invented in their pool.

Yeah. We tried the version which was one person has their eyes closed and everybody else needs to get the can across without it flipping, but it was way too easy. We tried two people with their eyes closed and we tried three people with their eyes closed. But ultimately, oh, it was Johnny, not Joel Johnny, but ultimately if you have if you have any, but like if you have anyone with their eyes closed, it's really easy to avoid them.

Yeah. And props to us for actually keeping your eyes closed because we could have cheated no one did. Of course. The ultimate version of the game was two people with their eyes open on the can, two people with their eyes shut, trying to knock the can over and one coxswain. Yeah. Sort of a coach of sorts on the team blind, telling the blind team blind yeah on the knock

over the can team, but their eyes are open, but they're not allowed to touch the can. Yeah. So they're directing the blind people to knock the can. Yeah. It was funny at a certain point, the two blind people were sort of wrestling each other, not knowing that the other person's eyes are closed because they thought they were on the other team. That was when I boxed them out and Johnny got safely across.

I actually injured myself. Yeah. Because they're not looking. Yeah. That's great. You hit a wall. My head against the pool. Damn.

Either Dane or Brad punched me in the lip. Yeah. That's going to happen. Yeah. But it was great. It was great. It was eye-opening. And that's what the outside is all about.

I was experiencing childlike wonder. Exactly. I was living in my joy. And now you have that memory to go with the name on a Slack channel that we've been playing with. Exactamundo. Okay. Good recap.

Let's take another break and thanks to sponsors. There's some more questions on the other side of these messages. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but for any not-so-tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right.

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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One last question to rule them all. Yes. Let's do it. A 21-year-old male uni student in England. Okay. Another person who might be coming to one of your shows. Absolutely. And again, Ron Weasley will be there.

Do let me know about the... As a courtesy. As a courtesy. Yeah. As a courtesy. For the past eight... For the past eight months, I've been dating this. Absolute 10 pence piece.

Nice. She's intelligent, beautiful, and witty and put my fuckboy days to rest. Good. Good. Except one thing. I'm increasingly having dreams that involve sleeping with random people, not her. And in a couple of them, she founds out. Now I'd say this is obviously harmless on the surface, but it leaves me with a prolonged

sense of guilt. Is there something wrong? Am I just not prepared for monogamy? Does this happen to you too? Ta-da and sees the cheese. I think your dreams are the one place where this is allowed. Oh. You're saying you shouldn't fess up to it?

Definitely don't fess up. Definitely don't fess up. You can't control that. And I don't think you should even hang on to guilt around it. Wow. If anything, maybe you're getting it out of your system in your dreams so it doesn't come to bear. IRL.

Yeah. You're having wet dreams so that your days stay dry. Yeah. Wet dreams, dry days. That's actually get your guitar because I really did just think of a song called that. Really? Really? Because I was actually thinking of that as merch.

We haven't made like new merch since general cleanliness. That's true. That's been a minute. Wet dreams, dry days. That's good. Help make all my merry ways. It's got to be fun. Wet dreams, dry days.

Jerking off with mayonnaise. There it is. Using lube that's also helmets for my wet dreams and I dry daemons. There you go. You really brought it home so you think this guy is okay or should be apologizing? No way. He's been cheating in the most subconscious way in a way that is showing you your truest self, not even alcohol.

Your deepest desires. That's right. So fucking deep you can't even access them when you're awake. Yeah, and dreams can be anything. Sometimes I have a dream where there's an armadillo and he's my father and he's talking to me. It doesn't necessarily mean. That actually, we should unpack that because your father has a protective shell around

him. Is that what you mean by that? That you can't get through the armadillo. It's like an armored vehicle for emotions. And I'm dressed in my mom's dress that she wore to my bar mitzvah but I'm sure it doesn't mean anything. Absolutely. Probably not.

And in so doing I'm sort of stabbing my brothers and stepping on my mother on the way to my father. Right. So I guess you're the one person, your dreams, you should feel guilty about your dreams. You're murdering your family and you're wearing your mother's bar mitzvah dress. And did I mention my grind guard doesn't fit? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, you didn't mention it but I assumed. No, that was sort of separate from the dreams. Oh, I see. I'm just having an orthodontic issue. I think my bite is changing or some shit like that and I can't go. That's fascinating. Is this real? That's true.

No, that's not true. I wear my grind guard too often for my teeth to change. Come on. I see. That's all I know. Totally. You love the grind guard. Cash me not grinding.

How about that? People have told me that I need the grind guard but I'm not going to do it. I will not. I can't. At first it was a little hard but now I can't even fucking nap without the grind because the grind is real and it's 24-7. I don't want to rely on the grind. That's exactly what I want to avoid.

I'd rather grind my teeth into tiny little nubs than to get another device in my life. Oh, because that might really hurt the enamel. Yeah, the enamel. It doesn't matter. I'll get fucking dentures. That's what I'm just waiting for the day. That's a device. Oh, that's a device.

Oh, that's a device. Yeah. I'll get veneers then. Those are kind of stuck in there. Yeah, I guess you want fake teeth. All my teeth filed down to a point. Do you have an eye mask? I have an eye mask.

It's the same thing. I have an eye mask. But I'm weeding myself off of it. Really? Yeah. You don't want to rely on it? No. I use about half the time now.

Just one high. I'll go pirate patch to sleep. All the time but half the face. Even having being on a plane, you got the mask and then the eye patch. I've seen it. Oh, I have seen it. Then the beanie. I've done it.

So you sort of have three things that are covering all different parts of your head slash face. I'll go hat, eye mask, mask, scarf. You're just fully enclosed. Yeah. And then shirtless with underwear, dick hanging out of the side. One sock. Song sandals.

Yeah. Wet dreams dry. Dry days. Dry days. All right. That's our next. That's our next fucking request. Single?

Yeah. Request for theme songs. Cool. These fans are more talented than us. So yeah. Don't worry about your dreams there. That's right. It can't be.

You shouldn't fess up to it. Enjoy it while it's happening and get it out of your system in a subconscious, subconscious fashion. Indeed. Wet dreams. Dry days. All right. For that theme song submission or any questions you may have, send them on down to ifirishowatgmail.com.

Please. Damn right. Damn right. And let's hear that. Whitney Houston from Sean, the Hardy Boys podcast host. And we will always love you. Thanks for listening. For more of us.

Oh, our Patreon too. Patreon.com. Thanks for watching old episodes of Jake and Amir down memory lane coming up with anecdote stories that we may have forgotten at full episodes that we don't remember. That's correct. Some of them make us laugh. Some of them make us cry. Some of them make us ashamed to be in this business.

See if you can guess which one to switch. Yeah. And we'll be back, of course, next week. Goodbye, everybody. Deuces. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Bye. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original.