If I Were You - 542: Tiny Dab

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

In this episode we discuss broken dishwashers, broken hearts, and Jake's European vacation. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. It's a mirror and Jake, if I were you, oh, if I were you, oh, you know what I'd do, you know what I'd do. If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh, come out and listen to your favorite juice. Got the classics, the pinch the gameboy, so many others and even more to make. A mirror I'm sorry, I know you hate it, I just can't deny another golden mic for Jake. If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh, you know what I'd do, you know what I'd do. If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh, come on and listen to your favorite juice. Very nice.

You like that? Yeah, I loved it. Why do you ask? Not my cup of tea, but I'm glad you found it nice. What was that? What'd you say? Very nice. I said it.

I said it was very nice. It's not your cup of tea. Why? Why? Because you didn't like the message? You're so petty. That's so small. You're minuscule today.

Not really. I feel. Yes, really. I feel blue if that's what you mean. Yeah, you're depressed. You let the song get to you. Yes, exactly. You can't rise above that.

No, no way, because the haters are out to get me and it feels like that is the case. You listen to the haters. Actually, I listen to my haters as well. Oh, that's really cool. I guess we both listen to our haters. But I let it fuel me. I let it energize me. I don't let it beat me down the way it does to you.

You let them win. I rise above. Yeah. When I hear your haters, I'm like, I take it to heart because I think that they're correct and it's sort of, yeah, it's a slice in the road. It confirms something that you suspected, which is that you are a lesser than. Yes, exactly. And if the haters and I are on the same side, that's so messed up.

I see eye to eye with my haters. And see with my haters, I agree to disagree. Interesting. Other haters, you agree to agree that you are bad to a certain degree. That was Phil Angel. Cool name. Yeah. And he is my angel.

My darling angel. It was written to be played at the beginning rather than the end. Well, good luck. It's going to be played at both. And if you can please give a shout out to my boy, Johnny Ottawa, who wrote a theme song for episode 199. Very good. So Phil Angel, cool name and wants to give a shout out to Johnny Ottawa.

Another cool name. Yeah. Johnny Ottawa. That's very cool. It's like Johnny Bravo, but Canadian. Yeah. Did you know that Ottawa was the capital of Canada? Yeah.

That's actually not true. I wanted to set you up because I know that you sort of take pride in your geography skills. So what I did was started my American geography and not just yeah, not just my North American just my United States capitals. Okay. And sorry. So you said Ottawa was not the capital of Canada. Well, it actually, I was going to do like a double.

Yeah. Like a double or versus actually was, but I was able to convince you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you did convince me. I was. Absolutely. You looked it up.

I let that get to me. I didn't look it up. I did not look it up. I did not look it up. Run the tape back. Anyone watching at home? Did you see my fingers? No, you did not.

Yeah. Because you were typing away. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. He didn't hear any clicks. You might have seen some mouse movements because I was dealing with some other shit that came up on my desktop. But property taxes are overdue. Nothing.

There was a lien on my house. I'm getting fucking repoed. So sorry. Oh, really? Not the capital of Ottawa. I have more important shit going on. We the last podcast we recorded together was weeks ago. It was like hours before your flight to Europe.

Then you went to hours before you did. Yeah. Shows. You did a bike trip, full vacation. You landed last night and it's right back into a podcast. Right back in. Bookend. Yeah.

You're a completely different person now from the last episode. Yeah. That's true. I actually, I have a different worldview for sure. In the last episode, somebody said that my boyfriend watches too much porn but will be at your Scotland show. Did you? Oh.

Did you see those people at your Scotland show? I did see one. Yeah. I saw one phone in the audience with just kind of lighting up a face and I could tell the guy was beating off. So I feel like it was that guy. He was having a cheeky in the fifth row. Yeah.

He was having a cheeky winch. A cheeky fap. I didn't necessarily see those people. And if I did, it didn't come up. Got it. And there was no like meet and greet situation after these shows. There wasn't an official meet and greet because of the whole COVID thing. And, you know, in an ideal world, we don't meet someone in Dublin and then bring a new

COVID variant to Edinburgh. So yeah, that didn't happen. But I will say we met some fans outside of the show. People that wait around by the doors or whatever will often take some selfies, do a little impromptu, non-official meet and greet. I wish I would have known. Were you at one of the shows? I went to the...

I thought I saw you in an ol' Cobb cosplay. Yeah. I did the Dublin show. You were in Manchester, right? Yeah, Manchester. I did the Dublin show. You did the Dead Eye. Yeah.

You did the Dead Eye cosplay in Dublin. I remember that. I thought we lucked. And then... Yeah, we made eye contact and I texted you after the show and then I was like, oh. You did text me. You phased out me from the audience. Yeah.

And said, you want to have a cheeky pint and should you go come to London? Right. And I never heard back. So then I did the Dublin show. I was one train behind you guys. Sad. Yeah. I paid top dollar on...

You sat in steerage, right? Okay. And then I went to that show too. I saw you at the luggage. I tried to... I told the security guy that I was sort of back there. You said you were our tour manager. I heard them.

There was a scuffle outside of our room. I didn't realize it was you. I heard somebody yelling, I'm the manager. I'm the manager. Let me back there. But yeah, that must have been you. Yeah. So that was...

Yeah, that was... It was just rad show, dude. I did actually get COVID and I brought it to... I know you said you were afraid to bring in the variant. So I ended up doing that. I infected a few people. I went like the Pipe Piper style from show to show. Yeah.

Which I thought was like sort of like instead of merch, you can get like... Yeah. Yeah. A pint. A pint of one point. A pint of the antibodies for Killian Zyra show, Macron variant. Remember that from when we used to go to Europe together? That was so fucking sick.

Yeah. No, I don't even remember our tours. This kind of like pushed out those bad memories. Because tours had good times. Europe tours are kind of... Whack. Yeah, they were with you. They were with you because I remember...

Ah, whack. Yeah, we went to London and we did like 10 shows in five days and I stayed in the hostel. So it was definitely a different vibe this time. We traveled well. We ate well. I didn't have a broken foot. So yeah. So thankfully I didn't piss myself and have my carnell need to carry my scooter up the stairs

while I stood underneath a hand dryer before checking back into my hostel. Why didn't you stay in a hostel that year up trip? I didn't have any money. I had no cash. I was broke. I remember Streeter making fun of me because we had sold out every single show. He's like, you're the only person that's ever been on a 10 show, like a 10 show sold out tour and needed to stay in a hostel.

And it's probably true. And you know what they say, like those fucking broke days staying in a hostel two shows a night, you wouldn't fucking trade that into this for this tour where you like have the money and you're making more money. Yeah, where I stayed in a hoxton instead of a hostel. You'd fucking take that fucking hostel nine times out of 10, I bet, because that was fucking rock and roll. You had a broken foot and a fucking great attitude and you would have sucked in taking

that trip. Just you would fucking prefer that to what you just did, I bet. Well, the foot I would probably, no, I think every aspect of this tour was better because I didn't have the broken foot. You know, that tour was also two shows a night to a hundred people. And it was fucked. Which was like run drop. Ultimately the same amount as like one of one NAD pod show.

So it's kind of like one and done. Everything felt high energy. Excellent. I will say the people verse in that first run, that first tour and just like being around you, I like this tour was better than that just for like the personnel. Streeters awesome. And it's no shade on street at all. At this point.

But yeah, it felt better to be on tour with these other chums. These are the chums. Like governor. That's right. That's an inside joke. I would have loved it. I would have loved to have that. Yeah.

You and I might do a show that looked like one came up while I was a pod. Oh, right. St. Louis. We're going to perform four weeks to 28 people in a school auditorium in Missouri. I don't think it's quite St. Louis. Yeah. It's outside. Yeah.

It's technically a Missoula, Missouri, which is a pretty obscure town. 29 miles due northeast of southeast Missouri. And weren't we going to go to Fort Smith, Arkansas? We were. I thought we had a show for eight in a laugh factory in Arkansas. We didn't end up selling a ticket, so they punted on it and gave us our kill fee. Kill fee. Which our agent took in his cancellation letter for us.

We were negotiating a high kill fee and having that be how we make cash from the tour is so funny. I made most of my money on kill fees early on, so I would sort of convince. They need to not have us. Yeah. And they'll pay the fee. Exactly. All right.

This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by me. I'm Amir. And me. I'm Jake. Any high and or low lights from the trip or it was all just one general good. Nothing to specifically state. There really was. I mean, I feel like there were a lot of a lot of highs, a lot of highs.

But was there a hilarious low? Did you step on a mouse or something like that? Our venue in Manchester was comically poorly manned. We're actually really just one poor man. You don't mind calling that person out just because it was that bad. I texted Andrew, who's our touring agent, and I said, we will never do another show at Manchester Academy again. It was Chester, right?

The Manchester who ran the Manchester Theatre. That's right. That man Chester. We were told to get there an hour earlier than we wanted to show up for soundcheck. We would like to do like half hour before the doors. They told us to get there an hour before and we got there to do soundcheck. We were greeted by the venue manager and I never saw him again. We went out to the stage.

No mics were set up. There was nothing to do soundcheck on. We went up to the green room. They didn't have like, there was kind of like three sad sandwiches out there. Not really anything. Yeah. Right. So I'm like, okay, so we need to order dinner.

I let them know at the door that I was going to have to Uber eat something because nobody came. Fishy chips. I was trying to get some cheeky fishy chips actually. That's good. I mean, the really, the big thing was just that like nobody spoke to us. Nobody communicated with us. We went down to the venue and we're like, what time are the doors? What time is the show?

Nobody knew. They're like, oh, is the show at seven thirty or eight? And we're like, we're asking you guys, like, what do you, what do you think? Because we're trying to do soundcheck now and you have to open the doors soon, right? There's like, are the doors at seven? We're like, we don't know. But the biggest thing was just that at seven thirty, which was according to the website, what when showtime was, no one came up to the green room to get us.

We were just waiting. We didn't know when to start the show. Nobody spoke to us. It's like nearing eight. We're like, what is going on? We're looking for people. No one is there. Eventually I ran into the sound guy in the hallway and I was like, are we starting the show?

He's like, oh, are you guys ready? And we're like, yes, yes, we're ready. No one's fucking talking to us. So if you didn't say anything, almost 25. I would have lasted till 11 p.m. Nobody doing anything. Yeah. We started the show 25 minutes late and it was only because no one told us where to go

or when to be. It felt. Yeah. And then after the show, I didn't speak to a single person. It was crazy. Maybe they were like, it was. My theory is that they're used to doing musicians and then like, oh, we have four American podcasters coming through.

Let's give them the icy treatment. That's how we do things in Manchester by the sea. Yeah. That is what it seemed like. When we got there, the guy at the door made a joke. I was like, oh, is this where the this is where the podcast is tonight? And he was like, show's canceled. And the more I stayed in that venue, the more I think that they actually all thought the

show was canceled. Sorry. I wasn't being sarcastic. I literally thought the show was canceled. I thought the show was canceled. Yeah. So that was that was kind of the biggest low point. And then also the bike ride that me and Micah and our buddy Andy did.

Yeah. It was like several hundred miles. No, it was only a hundred. But there was one day, there was one day where we did 50 miles, basically 150 mile day. That was like the big ride. We did a loop called Apple Cross and 50 miles is, you know, long, but it was like the elevation. It was 5000 feet of elevation during the actual ride. Yeah.

Throughout the ride. But the thing was the first six miles are like 3000 of those feet. So it's just like you start and you basically just start going straight up. And there were like several times in that ride in the first 10 miles where I was like, I don't know if I can physically do this. I'm like, I'm absolutely at my limit, just like pedaling, pedaling, pedaling so slow, legs burning. Why don't you get off and like walk up?

Is that an option? It's an option. Yeah. But it wouldn't feel good. It wouldn't feel good. Honestly, in that ride, I wouldn't even call it cheating. I didn't do it because it would have been cheating. It's still walking your bike up those sills is also really hard and it's punishing.

But like, I only wanted to ride it because I thought it'd be over faster. But several times, you know, just like pulling my legs are about to give up. I need to pull over to the side of the road on at the same time as I'm unclipping on like an 8% grade about to fall over. I almost ate shit so many times. Were you frustrated and annoyed or were you just like, this is oh well. I was like, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. And it's not over.

And I don't know if I can do it. But I kept on being like, if I can finish this, it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done. And I want to be able to say that. Yeah. But then at the same time, I was like, it's still not over and I don't know when it's going to be over. And every time I turn, like every time we would like round a corner because they're all like switchbacks.

Every time I would like turn, I'd be like, oh, this has to be the last hill. This is the top. And it would just be like three more of those. And the town on the other side of this like first 3,000 feet, then you go down a bunch of hills and there's like a cute little town where you can get a little pie, some fish and chips. That's good point. Yeah.

And there was a sign that said Apple Cross Inn open every day and then below that closed Tuesdays. And our whole plan was to eat there and we had three protein bars, a Snickers and a bunch of gummy bears. And that was, and that place was closed. So we just like ate the protein bars and we're like, okay, 40 more miles. And then we had. All right.

All that's left is most of them. And the last 10 miles that started like pouring rain, the rain had like held off the whole entire time. But the last 10 miles, it was, it was raining. We were wet. We were miserable, but that also made it like a huge highlight when, when we finished. Right. And then how well did you sleep that night knowing that you were just physically exhausted

from bike riding for 10 hours in a row? That night, that was an incredible, an incredible night's sleep. We like went to our Airbnb, took showers. We went and got so much food because we like, we basically skipped lunch and rode 50 miles. It must have been like 5000 calories. Yeah. We all got our own entrees and then split two other entrees and had like appetizers and we drank like two Guinness each.

It was great. It was, it, that felt great. Did you get drunk faster because you hadn't eaten all day? Um, yeah, I got, I definitely, actually, I think that night, the first thing I had was an IPA and it got me twisted for sure. And then when you woke up the next day, you had to bike ride more or was that the finale? That next day, we, we actually did something. There are these, this plate, shout out to sky adventure.

I think it's called sky adventure. Let me look it up because it also could be adventure sky. Um, hold on. Sorry. Yeah. Sky adventure. Okay. Uh, we met these people in the isle of sky, which is in like the, the western islands in

Scotland. Uh, and they do like rock climbing, uh, trail running, camping, a whole bunch of like outdoor activities and they do this one thing called co-steering, which is, did I, I'll show you a picture of it. Co-steering. Yeah. Coast, like C O A S T E E R I N G. Co-steering.

Um, and they took us out and, uh, I see people jumping off cliffs into water. Yeah. I'm holding up my phone to the screen so you can see. Oh, that's you jumping off into water? No, this is, that's what we did, but we didn't have, we were just wearing wetsuits and we didn't, we were out in the water. So we didn't have our phones. I'm kind of sad that I didn't have any photos, but like basically you just, you swim out

into the ocean, climb up all these little like rock outcroppings and just jump into the water. We like walked through a cave. Um, it was incredible. It was such a unique way to see the sky. Uh, and then we made friends with the people and they opened a rock climbing gym and we went and climbed there on, uh, like Thursday. But anyway, Wednesday was like supposed to be our rest day, but we ended up going co-steering.

It was just climbing and jumping and swimming. Yeah. Where are your legs? If I'll get sore by then. Yeah. My legs were that next day, I was like, I wouldn't be able to get on a bike. I would. I don't know what my body would do.

And on Thursday after that day of swimming, I was totally ready to go. We did like a 30 mile ride and I could have kept on going because it was flat. It was no incline. There was that ride was like maybe 1300 feet of elevation or something. Um, so not crazy. Like usually when I ride in the city, it'll be like 1200 feet of elevation. Yeah. 5,000 is a mile.

You're going a mile up vertical in addition to the mile forward. You don't want to also go a mile up. That's really high up. It was very, very high. And it was actually like, it was just as scary coming down because it was so steep. Yeah. You get so much speed that I basically need to be like riding the brakes, but the hills are so steep that it felt like I was going to like pitch forward.

Right. Like you couldn't turn. Oh, and my tire, my tire came off on the uphill. Like the, yeah, it was the bolt was loose or something. I should have checked it, but it is on the bike shop ultimately. So I think as you were struggling to go up, your bike, your, your tire fell off. Yeah. I like pulled hard on the handlebars and I just like felt the bike wobble on it.

Um, damn, this, this hill must be really steep. I'm about to tilt backwards and I pulled up again and I just saw that the wheel was like coming out of the well and it like bent to the side and I, uh, kind of slammed into the rail. Uh, and I kind of just barely was able to clip out before I fell over and ate shit. You know, but you're here now. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, it was a great trip. A really great trip. Great way to see a fucking place. Tell you what, is to coast around. Oh yeah, biking. Yeah. Yeah. Both of those things.

Um, all right. Let's take a break. Thanks sponsors. Come back and then answer questions that are either about co-steering or not. I see what it is. Co-steering. Yeah. Got it.

Co-steering. Co-steering. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the

doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. This makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like BuzzFeed light

quiz. I don't. I don't. How do you sleep for the better part of the decade? Excuse me. I do not. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it.

I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows.

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That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Mike, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. Yes.

Yes, I do, dude. I want everyone to see the movie my wife produced. Holy shit. Jill. I had no idea. I would have auditioned. Damn. Yeah.

It's like a gay rom-com based on Pride and Prejudice. Is she in charge of those kinds of decisions? Yeah. I mean, she looked at casting tape. I would have been able to get straight to call back. It's like a queer cast. So I feel like you're kind of like that. I would have gone straight to chemistry read.

I would have gone straight to producer meetings and it's me and Vogel in the room and I'm just showing her my take on the character. I don't book the lead, if not the lead on the call sheet. No, you're not going to put the lead wrote the movie. Jill Cabruster wrote the film. Yeah. Damn. Respect.

I've always wanted to sort of. You actually don't have any respect for anything because you have no respect. Oh, I haven't heard of it. Yeah. The first thing you fucking said when you heard about the movie was that you should have been cast, that you should have auditioned and that you could have been the lead. You wouldn't have known this stuff if you had asked. Jill on the horn and see if it's way, way, way too late to do relationships with me.

Of course it's way too late. I'm trying to promote the premiere of it. They can't do Friday, right? Yeah. But there's, I mean, do you think, do you think that Fox Searchlight is going to. Shoot my ass into this all-star cast? Yeah. Right.

I don't, it feels like you don't have the POV of a gay Asian man that they are looking for, right? And that's their words or my or is that yours? They're no one's words. I feel like this is my dead eyes. They're my words. You just found out about the movie. I just found out about dead eyes.

Check it out. It's called Fire Island. It's premiering on Hulu on Friday, June 3rd, folks. The reviews are in Friday. Loves it. Hollywood Reporter loves it. Oh. So yeah.

Check it out. It's legit. And, and if, if you guys, if everyone watches it and gives good reviews, then my wife will be happy and maybe she'll take me back. Happy wife, happy life for Jake. Yeah. I do think she's happy with her new guy, but still, ideally, she's happy with me with her new guy.

There's a side piece that turned into her main chick and, and actually even she has a side piece from the main thing. So I'm kind of too removed. If you can a frickin imagine, there's Tucker, there's Travis and little old me, I'm chopped liver. Speaking of, that's what I might have for dinner. Why? That's so like liver.

That's gotta be a new thing for you. I've never seen you have that. It's like a Scottish thing you picked up or something. That's correct. Did you pick up any weird Scotland things? Like sometimes you go to Australia and you're like, this is how I like my coffee now or like I go to Scotland and you're like, oh yeah, I had caviar and I'm going to get it in New York.

I'm not a Scotland thing. More of the thing that I picked up in Ireland, but then I carried it through the rest of the trip was drinking Guinness. I never, I don't think, I think I've maybe had one Guinness in my whole life before this trip and I would have like one to two every night while we're on the cycling trip and it was great. They're just so smooth, so easy to drink and very, I don't know that it has healing properties, but it felt like it did.

I would like crave it at the end of the day. Now you can get one in America and be like, it's not the same. I had these in Dublin and it just drinks different there. Yeah, it's different. It's so different. I got into Scotch a little bit actually. I never thought I was, I was definitely always more of a bourbon guy, but the last few days. And that's where it's from, right?

Scotch means Scottish whiskey. It's maybe, I don't know what it means, it's, it's, yeah, it is Scottish. It's Scotch. I think that's what it is. I want to say that's what makes it Scotch. Right. It sounds, it sounds about right. It definitely sounds about right.

I mean, I didn't like take a tour of it, or anything I drank a lot of it. Yeah, because it sounds like you're saying Scotch. Scotch. Without the E, which is kind of cool. That's really cool actually. And that's only if it's Scotch whiskey or even Irish whiskey has no E in it. I don't know. I, but I drank one.

It was called Ladeg and it was good. It was very good. I think I like the smoky and I like the peaty now. The what? The peatiness, the peatiness. What is that? I think it's, it's something from how they, how they get peat. Yeah.

It's like peat moss. It's kind of like a peat moss. It's kind of like a peat moss. Yeah. I went to high school with that kid. He's a nobody. There's no way this is part of his fucking culture slash legacy now. I think, yeah, I probably not, probably not.

Right. Quincidence. He's a huge coincidence. Yeah. Huge coincidence. He has nothing to do with how, look the flavor profile of an entire liquor from the 17th century. Till now.

Yeah. I'm saying, yeah. I think that point. Oh, we actually got a question about eating food and stuff from the UK. So this is actually a good transition. Amazing. Yeah. This guy who we'll call, I don't know, peat moss writes, seven years ago I got, I got

with my childhood sweetheart and it's been mostly great. She's the love of my life, but we constantly argue over housework. Right. Right. I cook delicious meals for us both every evening and do all the cleaning too since her job is very tiring and stressful. The problem is she will eat most of her meal, then leave a plate on the couch or the floor or wherever she decides.

I have found plates of food in the bathroom before. She sometimes even eats half of the meal. I serve her then orders pizza, leaving both on the carpet. I ask her to clean up food every day and as keeping a clean home is important to me, but she just says we have different ways of doing things. I've also tried not cleaning up after her and she just leaves the food out to go bad or she'll hide the plates in the cupboard or the oven. When she runs out of plates, she buys more instead of washing them.

Should I keep nagging her or continue putting a strain on the relationship or should I just live out a disgusting home and be happier? Please help, love. Pete Moss. Let's go option three, live in this disgusting home and be happier. Right? Yeah. I don't know if you can do that.

Continue living in filth and garbage and pizza on the ground. Be happy. Be happy. That's the key. He said, I'm afraid he won't be able to be happy because he seems to have nailed another one. Hurwitz figured it out. Change nothing but your attitude and be happy.

This is you as a therapist. I really think I should be on antidepressants. We don't have to work through anything. Just. Their solution is be happy. How dope is that? Insane. And when you step on a fucking half-eaten chicken that she ordered after not eating

your food on the ground and she left in the bathroom and you open up your medicine cabinet and a thousand plates just come pouring out of the wall because she won't clean and she just buys more and more. When you're living in a plate house, you just be happy. You can be happy. I think the minimal amount of work that you need to do as a roommate that doesn't care about this kind of stuff is like at least put the dishes in the sink. You got to at least put them in the sink.

You don't even have to wash them and then put them away. You just got to at least help me help you put them in the sink and then I'll get to them later. It's not coming from a fair starting point because you are saying you should clean your dishes and she's saying I should be able to leave them on the floor. The floor. And then like meeting halfway as like put them on the counter at least or something. But that's not even right either.

I think this is a bridge too far. It's a non-starter slash a non-starter. If you cook, I think the other person should do the dishes. If they've had a very stressful day, then you can tag team the dishes. Ideally everything is just kind of like a shared responsibility and it's not any like you owe this, I owe this, I did this, so you must do this. But not everybody can live that copacetically. I do think that if you've expressed your point that the dishes shouldn't be on the floor.

You got to get them off the floor. Yeah, they shouldn't be on the floor. They should not be on the floor. They're very, very anxious. I wish I were even getting into the floor. That means she's eating off the table and then putting them on the floor, man. I don't know what to tell you. There's no way she's eating it off the floor.

Eating on the couch, plate on her knees and then she says, all right, I'm done here. Play goes on the floor. There's a couple of different. The floor. She goes out of her way to put it on the floor. She would just leave it on the table. The really fucked up that you could do is just like next time you're out with your friends, you're like, oh, hey, well, help us settle an argument.

Do you think Connie should do her dishes after I cook or should she leave them on the floor? Because the last one was face down on the floor. Settle a bet for us. If I cook, should she leave the dishes on the floor or do something different? What would you say? Then this guy is just absolutely caked in garbage being like, oh, I don't really care, like sort of scratching lice out of his head. He has Stockholm syndrome or something.

You're living in an untenable situation and you're kind of allowing her to take a position that is frankly bizarre. The most fucked up part of the whole email is that sometimes she eats half of the meal and then orders a pizza. I think the most fucked up part is that she hides the plates. She knows that he wants her to do them, but she probably goes to more effort hiding the plates in the oven in the cupboards. They just put it in the sink.

Yeah, you got to at least put it in the sink. At least put it in the sink. I think you can say, well, all right, if you want to not change anything and be happy, I think you just buy paper plates. You need to admit to your and donate somewhere to offset your carbon footprints because that's a lot of paper products that you're going to be burning through, but she's not going to do the dishes and you want to live with that, that at the very least you need to get a disposable dish that you can just dump.

I don't think that's the best option. I feel like there's something at the root of this, which is that she's really unhappy at work. She's stressed out and upset by her job, and that gives you low energy. It makes you not want to do your dishes. It makes you think that nothing is worth doing. I'm not going to put the dish in the sink. I'm going to put it on the floor because who gives a fuck?

Talk to her about work. Figure out what's going on there. I think you can solve that issue and then there might be some trickle down effects on the overall honor willingness to help. So that's something. Also, if you have a dishwasher, I feel like you can easily just put the dishes in the dishwasher. Almost harder.

That's easier to do than like you said, putting it in the bathroom or in the cupboard or on the floor. Floor is easiest because you just throw it on the floor. Gravity does the heavy lifting there. You just throw it and it ends up on the floor. I think it's the dishwasher being the easiest and then third is hiding it. You never want to hide it because you've got to find a place for it. Next time you're cooking, you open the oven and it's just like eight dishes.

That's not. That ain't right. At a pizza box. No. A loose pizza slice in the bathroom. She's fucking leaving you calling cards like a cat burglare, but instead of stealing things, she's just sort of negging your meal by ordering a pizza after. You think she's bringing up the pizza ordering or it's just like, that was really good.

Ding dong. Oh shit. I ordered a pizza. Oh my God. I can't believe this pizza. I ordered this last week. It just showed up. I didn't know you were going to cook or is it like, that wasn't very good.

Do you want to go, I'm going to order a pizza. I feel like it's your favorite. That was really good. I'm still hungry. I'm going to order a pizza, but it's like, if you're still hungry, you left half of it. It's like, I'm really craving pizza right now. Okay. So let's get pizza.

Why don't you just clear that dish? It's on the floor. Why is that not good enough? Is it in your way? It's on the floor. I actually had a dishwasher issue last week where it would start overflowing with suds. Soap was spilling out of the dishwasher. Wow.

And did you solve it? Well, I called the plumber. Yeah. Did he solve it? Yeah. He said it's not a plumbing issue. You need an appliance guy. And did the appliance guy solve it?

Yeah. He said you're not supposed to have suds at all. Yeah. I was like, there's too many suds. It seems like the bubbles shouldn't come out. He's like, there shouldn't be bubbles. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, yeah, dish soap doesn't have bubbles.

It's just, it's almost 100% water. It's like the frothiness was like some soap that was left in through something else, maybe a pre-rinse or like a damaged thing. And you know the pods that you throw in? Yeah. You were putting tide pods in. I thought I was fearful of that. He's like, let me see the pods that you throw in.

I'm like, oh, shit. It's going to be a fucking laundry to turn around. I don't look like a dumbass. Thankfully it was a cascade. But I've been just tossing it in. You know, there's a little door that you can put it in. Or I just toss it in. I've been tossing it.

Yeah. Yeah. But he's like, you should put it in the door. I'm like, what does it matter? You've slide it in. The door opens. I'm doing, I'm fucking, I'm putting it in instead of the door because sometimes I would run the dishwasher.

You open the door and it's like, oh, it didn't open. The door didn't open. The pod is still there. Yeah. Let me just eliminate that thing. So I'll put, I'll toss it in. Yeah. You become the door.

Yes. Well, I don't trust this fucking door. I'm a dip. I'm a better door than this little thing. Yeah. And then I like slide it open and it cuts my finger. The door has like, I guess it could hear me and have vengeance on me. Yeah.

But I shouldn't do that because before the door opens, it rinses the dishes of food. And then the door is time to open at a specific part of the washing process. Yeah. And so like, I basically put it in and it would like go to shit with the pre-rinse. And then when it was like, open the door, nothing was there. Yeah. I was floored by the door review. Floored by the door.

Yeah. I thought that was the case. Have you been putting it in the door? It barely fits in the door, honestly. Yeah. Honestly, the door is not big enough. Back me up. I do always put it in the door.

I'm trying to get a word out. Door wise. You're obsessed with this door. And I really think. I adore it. God, you become the door and I'll do, and I'll do a podcast with the door. With the pod. Working with.

Yeah. It's a tight podcast. And I the door. Yeah. You and the dishwasher and me and the pod and the door. Do you use the door or do you just toss in? Yeah. I use the door, but actually my dishwasher has a little cage, so it's not even like

it's protecting it. So I'm not entirely sure what the vibe is. Interesting. The cage. Yeah. I wonder if the cage gets opened at a certain part. Kind of like the door did. Yeah.

I guess it probably does. Yeah. He also said to use vegetable oil to kill the foam. So we ran the entire dishwasher with like a cup of vegetable oil in there to kill the foam. And then the next time we use the cascade pod, no foam at all. This guy was a fucking science teacher. That's right.

You shouldn't see if he could be your roommate. There's no way. John. Yeah. The appliance guy. John, the appliance guy. He's a 51-year-old married Armenian man. He doesn't want to live with me.

He might. You didn't even ask him. And he fixed your fucking dishwasher. He has kids. He has two kids. For your charge. Two high schoolers and a cat and a dog. They're not all moving into a fucking house.

I'm not saying all of them would move in. I'm saying him and his wife and the kids are in high school. They could look after themselves. Obviously, the cat and the dog would have to come because that's a lot of responsibility for two high schoolers. He's a 20-year-old poodle. A 20-year-old poodle. A 20-year-old poodle.

So that's it. Yeah. It's not like a... It's not going to take care of. I don't want to have a fun habit with this guy because Obviously, I was already fucking looking at him with fuck you eyes. She's like, it's so cool to have a man in here that actually knows what he's fucking doing. And then I'm like, did you know you had to put it in the door?

Yeah. She was like, yeah. My boyfriend tried to be a door and it's like, no. It's not adorable. No. It's not adorable either. That's the worst part. Just a fucking child to them.

Your appliances are breaking a lot. Remember, we had the dryer issue. Yeah, the dryer was an issue. The coin stuck in the garbage disposal. Yeah. That was a thing. What else I got? That's bro.

We should do a home ownership podcast. The problem is it only comes up once every like eight or eight to 10 months and then I figure out what was wrong. That's right. Yeah. Okay. Let's take another break. Think another sponsor and discuss more door after these words.

Nice. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. That might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura Frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah.

Kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Really smokes.

And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. A personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to

the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. When conditions apply, that's Aura Frames A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right, and use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus

free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Yeah. All right. One last question.

Let's do it. Why not? We're here. A 23-year-old male who has a problem. Whoa. Mark Hoppus. Right. No one likes you when you're 23.

Yeah. His issue is that my mom wants me to go to college, and I don't. She's even offered to pay for the entire tuition, even though she doesn't need to. I'm well off on my own. I own a business. I have my own house. And basically everything is great, but my mom still wants me to get a bachelor degree in something.

I really do want to make her happy and proud after all. She gave birth to me, took care of me, and I'm just not interested in that higher education. I think it's a waste of time, money, energy, and especially since I have a job that pays me more than the average graduate. What should I do? Should I just take the loss to make my mom happy, or should I stand my ground in what I believe in and disappoint her? If you don't have any other alternatives, or if you have any other alternatives, let

me know. That would be amazing too. Keep up the great work. Oh, taking one for the team and going to college for four years to not disappoint your mom feels like a lot, doesn't it? Yeah. It's a university slash higher education to own the libs. It's not entirely worth it at that point.

And I will say that I went to college to try to make my parents happy, but it wasn't for me and I ended up making them sad because having their son fail out of college for four years in a row at different schools didn't necessarily feel like I was going to college. And you didn't even have your own business slash house at that point. I was a jackass. They had a better case than this mother does. For sure. So I also, I don't think that your mom is going to be, it sounds like you're very reasonable.

I don't think she's necessarily going to be very disappointed if you decide that it's not for you. You could, you could take some classes as a non-matriculated student. That's good. You find something that's like whatever your job is, you find something adjacent like, hey, could I further my career if I got this certificate or if I learned how to use this program? You tell your mom, hey, I'm taking classes at this local school or I'm taking these classes

online yada yada. So it feels like, oh, your, you know, education means something to your mom and that's good. And it can mean something to you too. It's like, I'm hearing you out. I don't necessarily want to go to Georgia Tech and fucking take geometry because I have a business slash house. But how about I get double mortgage and I'll learn French for a little bit. Can we call it even at that point, mother?

I think that's fair. And you know, you take the class online, you get your mom a hoodie from the school that you're taking the class and you say, look at that, you're a proud parent of a Georgia Tech non-matriculated urban planning student. Or what if you fucking call her bluff? You get into a school that costs $60,000 a year and you're like, I decided I'm going to take art history in this quarter and geology. I'm going to take art history and run you mom.

Did you pay them the $68,000? I want a meal plan mom. I sold my house. I need to live off campus. The dorms are nasty, mom. I have a studio in the West Village. Oh, mom, you're making me angry. I need to be rich in New York, mom.

Mom at the IKEA collection, mom, I need a bed frame, mom, I need a dresser, mom. You need a mom dresser. What? I need a mom cupboard, mom. There's that option too. You can do that too. You don't even necessarily need the money. You could be like, give me the $68,000, I'll spend it, I'll do the tuition, I'll get a

fucking degree. Yeah, I'll double your money, mom. It's always interesting when athletes are like, Steph Curry went back and got a degree from Davidson. It's like, yeah, that's pretty respectful, but at the same time, you probably didn't need to do it, right? You're not going to fall back on that communication degree. It's good to educate yourself if that's what you want, but you just should never do anything

just to not make someone else disappointed, even if they're your parents. Because I think ultimately parents want you to be happy and it'll be a momentary disappointment. She might not understand it because you're 23 and you have a business and she's thinking decades ahead for you, but my parents were upset when I dropped out of college and now they don't really question it. So you have a long time to prove that it was the right decision. Are you ever regretful that you don't have a college degree? Did you ever wish you had a diploma from college or it never comes up?

Sometimes it's just fun to have a connection or a story. It'd be like, oh, it's part of my personality that I went to. Sometimes I just think of schools and I'm like, oh, that seems like it would have been something that'd be fun to have as part of my brand, that I went to UVM or something. Yeah. No. You can root for a school. I definitely don't miss any of the, I don't, yeah, there's nothing that I miss like education

was and it was good not to have any student debt. I didn't owe anyone tens of, like my brother's still paying off his student debt. My sisters are too. I don't owe anyone tens of thousands of dollars, so that's kind of tight. Are you the only of six children, the only one without a college degree? That is correct. Damn. Yeah.

My parents are Ivy League educated. All my siblings went to good colleges. I'm kind of the jackass dumbass loser dropout black sheep. None. Good son kid in the family. Malm. Malm. You're sort of a jackass of all trades and a master of fun.

Good. Very good. Will you pay my credit card bill this evening? Malm. Malm. Malm. All right, we're back, baby, although as far as the listeners are concerned, we never really missed a week slash when anywhere.

No such thing as vacation when it comes to podcasting, baby. It is weird that we haven't really skipped a week. Shouldn't we just take a month off of sabbatical every nine years? We've done one podcast or one episode of Jake and Amir for decades now. Yeah. Ideally, it's like, oh, I'm going to go away for... It's kind of loser status. Yeah.

It's like, I'm going away for two weeks, so we better record three times this week. You don't fuck that. I was like, I'm going away for two weeks. Fuck off. I'll see you when I'm back. And then we'll lose our sponsors. The ads won't come in. We won't have cash.

The business will rumble, and we'll lose everything we ever worked for. Decades of our lives building to this one moment that if I just miss a week, then it all comes crashing down. And for that reason, I'm back in. Wow, what an adventure. We can never stop or we'll die. We're like the bus from speed. Yeah.

Or me on the Apple cross. Okay. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week. We need your questions. We need your theme songs. We're finally running low after nine years. So if we're sitting on a theme song idea, now's the time to record it and send it in.

We probably will use it. Damn right. And that email address for everything is ifirishowatgmail.com. Yeah. Do-Pending theme song, same as the closing theme song, which was Phil Angel. I'll never forget his name, Voice of a Phil Angel. And if you still want more of us, we're making videos on our Patreon, patreon.com.com.j.a. It's a shout out to everyone that's supporting us there.

Shout out to everyone that's still listening to us after all these beers, and we'll see it next Monday. What do you think about that? What I just did, tiny dab. Let's see. It's like the dab is this, but then you got tiny dab. Tiny dab. Yeah.

It's pretty good. I'm going to start doing that, I think. It seems like you just have a headache or something. It should go over your eyes. It should really go over your eyes. You're just like, what's that thing? Oh, what's that? Um, boom, boom.

Yeah. It's really, it's kind of addicting. It's pretty sick. Yeah. Well, I guess that's a good reminder that you can watch these episodes as well. We have our own YouTube channels for the show if I were you show. Subscribe to this one, script to the end. See the tiny dab and what do you think of tiny dab for the name of this episode?

It's sort of a, so you're listening the whole episode and you have no idea where it's coming. Why? Yeah. Let's see if tiny dab is available. It's available. It is. Dot com.

Yeah. Tiny dab.com. Tiny dab. It's a small, a little, oh, smaller than that. Tiny. Don't just do a small one. No, don't do a tiny, do a fucking really tiny microscopic, a little, yeah, yeah. Shout out to the tiny dab, tiny dab nation.

See you next week, later. I can't believe I get to hear them say, welcome back to the only podcast hosted by us. It's Amir and Jake. If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh, you know what I'd do, you know what I'd do. If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh, come out and listen to your favorite juice. We've got the classics, the pinch, the gameboy, so many others, and even more to make. Amir, I'm sorry, I know you hate it, I just can't deny another golden mic for Jake. If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh, you know what I'd do.

If I were you, oh, if I were you, oh, come out and listen to your favorite juice. That was a Hit Gum Original.