If I Were You - 545: WHIMSY (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

In this episode we discuss jealousy, Only Fans, and musical theater. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm. Download the IMPACT by Interactive Brokers app today and use code IFIWEREYOU to get $30 of stock credit! Note: The podcast ad for the IMPACT app is unscripted and being recorded live. It may contain some slight differences. Please visit https://impact.interactivebrokers.com/ for full details of products and services. Interactive Brokers, LLC member FINRA/SIPC. The projections or other information generated by IMPACT app regarding the likelihood of various investment outcomes are hypothetical in nature, do not reflect actual investment results and are not guarantees of future results. Please note that results may vary with use of the tool over time. The paid ad host experiences and testimonials within the Podcast may not be representative of the experiences of other customers and are not to be considered guarantees of future performance or success. The opinions provided within the ad belong to the host alone.   See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Three, two, one. Yeah. Giving advice, no struggling in life because you're older. Watching all of your old videos because you're over. Here going grey and being out of shape because you're older. Trying to regain success that you've had in the past because you're over. And say you're getting old and true.

You're old. Take care of me or you're getting old. Here is all the time the old videos were better because you're over. Canceling you. Morning in the morning every time that you wake up because you're older. It's true. He's saying it's true. I realize you never want to choose the air base.

It's the least fun thing to do. You can always add the look of the air. With drums you can do the fills. The air base is also fun because it's so easy. You can pretend you're talking to people in the audience. You're not offended by that? That was a fun little song. You're older than me.

I feel like you're the old guy. He's talking shit about me and that should really offend you. Gen Z. You're over a decade older than Jeff. I feel like we have this energy that's like 24. He was born during your bar mitzvah. Same date. Exactly.

You're in your Torah portion. My mom was getting a C section. I'm still chanting in Hebrew. That song was written by Lauren Mintz from Toronto. I've given you guys a bunch of theme songs in the past. My most recent one being the Louis Armstrong one. Wow, this guy's all over the place. You know which one I liked was Mike of Gold.

Yeah, that was a good one. Who is that Neil Young? I also just love that song. Mike of Gold. Nothing to plug really, but I'm hoping you can make a Game Grumps collab reality video game YouTube channel. Oh yeah. Cool. You know Aaron now actually from Game Grumps.

That's true. Yeah. That's wild. I would actually love to meet him. He helped me out. Do you know this story? I sort of introduced Jake to Aaron. Aaron.

From Game Grumps, this guy who's a pretty popular gamer YouTuber kind of guy. How did you know? I knew him through Ben. Oh good. Yeah, so we were playing Mario Kart together back in the old pandemic. Yeah. I think I played one round where he was in the like game and it wasn't fun. He was so good.

Yeah. It's hard to be sort of casually gaming with real gamers. Yeah. Yeah. How was your gaming by the way? I haven't asked. Your animal kingdom farm. The animal crossing.

Animal crossing? Yeah. Your island basically. By the way, I forgot. I totally haven't mentioned it. Yeah. No, you asked like a year ago and I think, yeah. And I said that I stopped playing and I hadn't.

So now it's been like a year and a half since you've thought about it. Yeah. The pandemic, the pandemic as it were really lasted like two and a half months for me. That's really cool. Like. So you had the animal crossing. That like two years when people say we've been in quarantine for two, like there actually hasn't been a quarantine.

That's cool. You did that to you. Yeah. So I stopped playing the video games in like June of 2020. Same. Yeah. No, you stayed inside for another two years. Well, I got into it.

Yeah. Which is fine, but own it. My island is sort of thriving right now. And is it? No. All the characters are dead. Right. How much cash do you, sorry, how many bells do you owe?

Nine. Nook. Nine? Yeah. I wonder how many defunct islands there are right now out in the world. Yeah. It's just a go city now. The thing is you are an island.

You kind of stand alone. You're sort of, it's two opposite ends of a magnet anytime you talk to anyone. And we're like attracted to each other. Is that what you mean? No, two opposites. I see. Or sorry, two like ends. Okay.

So the kind that repel each other. Yeah. That's funny. I say this out of love so that you can kind of change you. And mutual respect. Yeah. Respect between us. How's that?

Excuse us. That allows us to tell you when you're not living up to your full potential. You're not going to find yes men in us. You're going to find name men in us. No women. Actually, sometimes I worry that you are living up to your full potential and that this is as good as it gets. That's when it starts sort of trending towards bordering on mean.

No, because that's, it's reality, right? And if you don't acknowledge the reality, you can't change you and we want your growth. And if this is your peak, then that's fine. That's actually really bad. It's fine. Or is it bad? It's all, it's tragic. It's fine.

There's nothing we can do about it. Yeah. It is what it is. I would say this about you. It is what it is. Yeah. That's not advice. No, just kind of like throw your hands in the air.

That's you tried. You're asking me to give up. What's that? What? I would say Welp. Yeah. That's kind of your middle name should be Welp. I don't think so.

I'm your Welp. Blumenfeld. That's pretty good. No way. At least. I am interested in monetizing my name. That's true. But I wouldn't change my middle name.

A hat that says Yelp. Or Welp. But also a hat that says Yelp is pretty good. Yelp merch. Do you work for them? Your name alert. Not just a huge five stars. Yelp merch.

For the Yelp merch. Yeah. I have an idea. It's kind of a business idea. It's Yelp merch. So a hat that says Yelp. What about like a shirt that's like too big and kind of like misshapen and says I wish I could give one star.

That's good. It's a sort of like merch when they first started out and now it's a sort of misshapen. First merch. I would say on the topic of Gen Z, I would say Amir's giving one star. How's that? Yes. Like, you know, it's giving share. It's giving.

Yeah. I'm too old to even understand what that means. So you give share. That's a good thing. Okay. So like you pull up in like an old Chevy pickup. Oh, it's giving, you know, country. Yeah.

Cheek. Right. I see giving is like the vibe that you're sort of putting on. You're giving one star. Yeah. One star. You're giving one star. You're giving one star.

What's that? Yeah. Like garbage debris. That's not Gen Z. Things you throw away. That's just already, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

A discarded sort of like a. Discarded. Yeah. Yeah. We should say that we're back in the studio. So if you're listening to this episode, the reason that we're not sort of taking time for the other person to talk is because Jeffrey, Jake and myself are all in the same room. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, God, I want to say months. We've been in the same room probably weeks ago. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Damn. We're in Arizona.

Damn. Shit. Shit, dude. And you can watch this. We're videotaped. This whole damn thing. Look at that. So we're going to put it up on our YouTube channel as well.

All right. This is if I were you, the only advice pod on the web hosted by me, Welp, and me, Yelp. And we're here with Jeff, first guest in a while. It's hard to do the guests remote. Yeah. I don't find it fun to do the guests remote. You need that in person energy for a guest. Yeah.

And you have to sort of help that person set up his own little home studio and who has the time to do that. Right. You and I are often recording at like 4 p.m. on a Sunday, so it's not an ideal guest time. No. I mean, you do it for the Head Gum Podcast. It's like trying to like, no, you actually have to wear headphones.

So actually, can you stand here? Actually, you have to be well lit because of this, that, and the other. Yeah. So you have to like be a producer plus a host plus an engineer. Yeah. It's not that hard. Okay. That's cool.

All right. We got few emails. I'm trying to think about which one would be ideal for Jeffrey to answer. How about this one? Okay. It's a 23 year old from Boston. Love that. That's awesome.

I'm excited because I don't know when the last time I was on the show, but I feel like I'm another couple years wiser. Really? I'm another couple Vax Pfizer. You wax and you vax. He wrote that down. He had it ready to go. Spill a bunch of note cards.

You know, a few jokes about Moderna also. A 23 year old from Boston. Let's call him Time Lord. A 23 year old player on the Celtics, I think. I've been dating my girl. His name is Time Lord? Well, it's Robert Williams, but his nickname is Time Lord. Oh, wait.

That's the, they're like center? Yeah. Yeah. They're tall dude. Dude's awesome. I love that guy. No, he looks like Isaiah Stewart. That's cool.

Yeah. His nickname is Beef Stew. Really? Actually, I had Time Lord on my fantasy. Robert Williams is real hard. I told you I won, right? No. Yeah.

I won my fantasy. Wow. And you had Time Lord on your kit list. Yes, but that didn't end up panning out in the finals. Did you win any money for that? No. I think I was supposed to, or maybe I'm supposed to get a trophy or maybe I'm supposed to get dinner.

I don't remember. Time Lord is obviously the best answer. I think I'm supposed to get dinner with him. Time Lord is going to take me to dinner. That's what happens in my fantasy. I keep DMing him to no avail, to no his avail. Mr. Lord. If you DMed Time Lord, do you think you would open it?

Because you are verified. You have a single name. Interesting. No, I don't think you would open that. Really? Otherwise I would be DMing him a lot more. You wouldn't be on scene? He would left, he would leave me on red.

Yeah. And that would leave me with on we. I get on we when I'm on we. I'm playing my Nintendo Wii. I just, this brought up random memory recall, but remember I got you a cameo from Taco Fall at the beginning of the pandemic. This was all just early pandemic shit. We didn't know what to do with ourselves.

Taco Fall. He was like wishing you well through the quarantine. You told him I was intubated. All right, I've been dating my girlfriend for almost three years and it's been perfect. I can see her being in my life for a long, long time. But this is where you're probably expecting a but. However, there's no issue in my relationship at all. That's it?

Oh no, sorry. I thought we were going to end the podcast forever right then and there. Shit, I'm locked out. This joke is, let's take a fucking break. God damn it. You drained my battery somehow. It won't open again. The magnet is too strong.

The purpose of my email lies outside of our relationship. The issue arose yesterday when my girlfriend's best friend, who she's known her whole life, requested to follow me on Instagram. I had been following her for a while, so I thought she'd already been following me, so I was surprised. And upon some digging, I realized this was a second account that she uses to advertise her premium Snapchat. So basically, my girlfriend's BFF wants me to pay a monthly rate to see her nudes and other explicit content. Think only fans.

What does this mean? Is she just following anyone and everyone who may want to pay for her service? I respect the hustle, but most of her following is comprised of straight males. Is there something inherently wrong with her reaching out to me? Her BFF's BF as a potential premium snap member? Or is this just a test of my commitment to my girlfriend? Oh my God. It's neither, I think.

What the hey do I do? I think this is the problem with society. This girl threw him a follow, whatever. For any innocuous reason, she wants to follow, so her follower account looks good, so more people subscribe. Maybe she wants to subscribe. Who knows? Yeah. And then you internalize it so deeply that you feel like it's all some kind of crazy conspiracy around you.

That's right. Yes, a conspiracy. Yeah. A premium Snapchat. I didn't even know that that existed. This is why when guys go to a strip club, they'll sometimes be like, oh, I need to marry this person, or I need to take them away from the strip club. Yeah.

No, they like the strip club. And if you have a premium snap thing, it's a numbers game. This is not about you at all. Yeah. At all. She's trying to get as many subscribers as possible. It's not that she wants to fuck you. It's not a test.

She's doing this to many people across Instagram. That's the thing. I think look at how many people she's followed from that account. It's probably over a thousand. You're nothing in that. Yeah. It's not a test. Not a test.

She's not flirting with you. She's not flirting with anybody she followed. She's trying to get cash. Yeah. But you are worked up because you want to see her naked, which is what I think. There's a projection level. Well, it might be. He has to follow her to pass the test.

Right. Because then it's like, I'm giving her cash and I'm still not even looking. Also, if there's a test involved at all, there's a problem in your relationship. There's not no problem in the relationship. So you're saying this is a sort of indicative of something that's wrong. Yeah. Premium Snapchat is weird because it's an app where kids message each other. And then the Snapchat's like, also, there's an only fans part of it.

Whoa, what the hell? If you don't want people sending in theme songs yelling about how you're getting old, don't say it's an app where kids message each other. I see my niece on it fucking firing off snaps. And then they're adding like, oh, by the way, you can pay me to send you Snapchat. This is all happens on the same platform. Yeah. Kids posting photos of their shoes in vacation and then also people with butt plugs selling it.

How do they justify premium Snapchat? It's like, yeah, charge your friends to get a fucking Snapchat. It's like if they were also telling teenagers to join only fans to chat with their pals. Actually, I might do this. No way. Because it's not just porn. Yeah. I can also just sort of...

You're excited by the app functionality where you can send a photo for a couple seconds? This is really cool. You can do that on any app now, by the way. Really? Yeah. The disappearing photo thing? Premium Snapchat doesn't exist and it was discontinued in 2018, it says. Really?

I wonder. Seems impossible. How could that be? Because now they owe me, I'm owed a bill. This is a non-issue. I think ignore it and it's nothing. Yes. She's just trying to promote her small business.

Yes. I actually want to bring up something somewhat related to this. Oh. This happened to me last weekend. Okay. I dated somebody for a while. Ended amicably. Yeah.

Her best friend was on a trip to a cabin with a bunch of other friends. And late at night, where I'd seen they'd been drinking on Instagram stories and stuff. She likes three of my photos from 2020, 2021. That feels like a little bit of a trail. Because that's a trail. A trail. How serious was the relationship of the friend that you dated? It was kind of serious.

So now you're like, do I have to tell my ex? No. I'm not going to say anything. And hopefully they don't listen to this. Yeah. That's a small flirtation. It's a small flirtation. Small flirtation.

It's the old Facebook poke. It's shooting your shot a little bit. Right. It's inviting something bad to happen. Yeah. I don't think that what she did is necessarily the bad thing. Yeah. But it's basically like, you can flirt with me if you want to.

Yeah. And that would make my friend upset. Yeah. It's the bare minimum that won't get her in trouble. Yeah. So I like three of his photos. I was liking a lot of photos that night. Yeah.

From 2021. Yeah. That's actually interesting. The bare minimum. It's like getting the worst fridge. Casey got it. Oh, Bayer is a fridge company? Yeah.

Got it. Let's take a break on that. So you have to sort of think about what you said. Because I really don't think it's a fridge company. I thought it was like a medicine. Yeah. Bayer. That's good.

Yeah. Oh, wait. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? No. We'll go to a break. Yeah. We'll go to a break for sure.

All right. Maybe I'll edit this episode. It's just that joke in nothing else. Just splicing us laughing from some other time. This kid breaks the internet by making a fridge show. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the

doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two-minute, honestly, like BuzzFeed light

quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade. Excuse me. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it, ass. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah.

I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows?

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And we have returned. Jeff, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift through the fire. Oh, I'm coming. Wimsy. Sorry. Wimsy. Wait for it.

What about it? Yeah. Okay. What's the, what is it? Wimsy. You have to inject Wimsy into your life, into your spaces, into your wife, into your places. And into her faces. What is Wimsy?

It's like peak Wimsy, just so we can start there and then sort of back into what I can possibly do. Buying a silly hat before vacation? Yes. Okay. Is that Wimsy? Buying a silly, an Aussie outback hat before vacation. Yes, I see.

Filling your room with, I'm sorry to say KZ, but vintage candelabras. Why? That's filling it. What if you treat every day like the powers out? That's cute. Obviously. I guess that's it. How about your house is on fire by the way.

Two things. Two whimsical things. I also got a candle. I got a silk robe. I got a silk robe to make pour over coffee in in the morning. And have you been doing that? What's that? Have you been doing that?

Well, not yet. I see. It's on its way. I have a Chemex on the way. What's Chemex? It's a pour over thing. I'm enjoying the advice. You're giving me everything.

You're mad. Too much either. And your tip is to just sort of be happy and you're not even doing that while you're playing. No, it's more than that. It's a step beyond that. It's what if we drove to the beach at, let's say 1.30 in the morning. That's what I'm saying.

More spontaneity. Spontaneity. Whimsy. Whimsy. Yeah. Vintage objects. Found joy. Yes.

Found moisture. Glee. Do you even know how to fucking find glee? Are we slurping? No, I think it's beyond joy because everybody has joy to some degree, but it's like how do you actually proactively inject that into your life? We're going surfing tomorrow at 6.15. I love it.

Is that whimsy? That may be not whimsy, but it's spontaneity. It's a should we with a positive, a little bit crazy thing that's a little bit out of the box. Should we do this? It's like, yeah. Should we stay up all night and do this thing? Well, we have a lot to do tomorrow.

Yeah. I'm going to do it anyway. Let's go to this restaurant and get dessert somewhere else. Exactly right. That's fun. That's a little whimsy. Jake got it almost immediately because we already have some whims in real life. Yeah, I think we did.

I've never done any of this stuff. The candelabras, the robes. I will never get dessert at a separate restaurant. It doesn't actually make sense to me. And that's why your house is a box. Yeah, but that box is... It's a flat ranch with no decor of any interest. Navy shirt, charcoal shorts, Jake's shirt is something interesting that he enjoys.

It's a beer that I like. You fucking... Your house was staged when you bought it and you said, I want to do that all over again. You leased a Mazda and when it was up, you got another Mazda. Yeah, because it's convenient. Zoom, zoom, you say. We haven't seen precludes convenience. So what?

I'm going to fucking rent a DeLorean for a week? That's physical. I would never. Go on, Truro. Go on, Truro. Get rent a car for a week. I would never. That seems like a waste of why and everything.

Bring the Mazda ash back, man. Yeah, that's debatable. Change something up. Yeah. Your status quo? I think that's... Status no. So more like...

If Abitall is not pegging you in your ash this weekend, there's no... You went from me wearing a fun shirt to some sort of ass play. A hundred percent. You don't want to try anything new sexually? I don't want to try anything new, period. If you're not experimenting with your prostate, then you are a prostrate. I said I didn't even want to get cake from a different restaurant, I definitely don't want to go that far.

You don't want to get cake from a restaurant, then yeah, of course you also don't want your cake being played with. I'll do the fucking... You don't want to sit in a cake and Abitall lick it off your ass? I'll do the hat one. I want you to go on a road trip and wear a fucking diaper. That's fun. I'll wear a fucking hat.

I don't want to wear a diaper, I don't want to get a peg. No, because I don't want to get a pull-off. Yeah. What? That's why you don't have to pull off. Or pull out. You are wearing a diaper, is that what that's about? Yes, it's for audio.

No bathroom breaks. You don't get it. That's fine. I see, I see what you're saying. Oh yeah. Found object. Go to the Rose Bowl flee. That's a good fucking start.

Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. Some of this stuff just feels like stuff that you happen to be doing, you're sort of backing into the fact that it's whimsical. Like, oh, I'm playing tennis tomorrow, but for you surfing is the whimsy, but the tennis thing is sort of boring. It's a little rote because you've been playing it every single week for two years. You've been surfing.

You've been surfing. I started surfing a month and a half ago. So it's still whimsical? New hobbies. tennis is fairly new. At the right young age of 24, I'm finding new hobbies. And I think that's a pretty damn neat. 24.

We're 24-ish. The two of us. You're obviously 37? Going on 38? I'm 36. I'm 36. By the time it's over. The joke is over.

The joke is over because you said I was 37 going on 37. I want you to go out after this and find a scent. I have to record another podcast. After that? Oh, to get a cologne? A signature scent. That's fun. Yeah.

Yeah. How about Fun Fetty, but it's a cupcake and you shove it up your ass. That's really good. I don't want to shove anything in my ass. Cake in your cake? Cake in your cake. You're combining two things now. It's the dessert thing.

And you'll have an ass thing. Let's do a candelabra in you. Right now, nothing in me. Let's light your house by candlelight and let's let a fan out. Let's light your house by candlelight and let's let a fire under your own ash with your relationship with Avital. You're getting a lot of mileage out of her last name. Dating someone for 20 years is pretty civilian.

Yeah. Civilian. Yeah. It seems rare to me. Did you get that reference? It's a Father John Misty lyric. Let's help somebody out. Yeah.

Oh, you know what I wanted to look up was the refrigerator thing. Bear? Yeah. Yeah, because I thought it was like a vitamin. What about Bear Stearns? So you're sort of making cash by being tough on your fridge. So a complete pivot from the whimsy thing. There's HVAC.

Oh, B-E-I-J-E-R. Yeah, that's it. B-E-I-J-E-R. Is that a same company? Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.

This is good for all of us. This is good for audio. This is great for business slash jokes. Bear. Cooling. Hold on. I'm going to buy coolant. How coolant is that?

How whimsical is that? Okay. Next question. This is another sort of jealousy based one. So let's keep it on that train. Big fan of the show. Thank you. I live in London and I met my girlfriend through Tinder two years ago while here in London.

She studies in America but was visiting family. So we were long distance for a while but because of the pandemic spent a lot of time together in London living together for the better part of a year and a half. She went back to America recently and started getting back into the college lifestyle. She has a flat share with five of their people and one of those people is someone she hooked up with while we were long distance earlier on during our open relationship phase. We have since closed our relationship and decided to be monogamous. It doesn't sound very whimsical to me.

The dude she hooked up with right now is next to her. They share a bathroom together and four days into living together she confessed to me that she was really flirty and she was really flirty and she was kind of into it and she didn't do anything about it and started to freak out when she realized she was starting to flirt back and actually found them attractive. She knows I hate this dude but I appreciate her telling me about it as soon as possible as soon as she realized she was feeling this way. We had a long chat and we said we still love each other and she didn't do anything wrong

but just had feelings she couldn't control. It's not me mailing you guys a little drunk. I'm pissed. I don't know how to feel. It's been four days and she's already into the dude. There's a whole fucking year left of this. I appreciate her telling me but what do I do now with this information? I'm incredibly uncomfortable.

Thanks in advance for your answer. Kind regards. I don't know. What's a British guy's name? You. Yeah. You. Okay.

Is this lady too honest? Do you want to know if a girl finds somebody else attractive every time she does? I wouldn't care if it was. There's other things that are stacking on here. I think if I found out that like Jill thought someone was attractive, I wouldn't be upset. That's a fun. But if she was living with him and not you for a year. Yeah.

If she was living with him and they were flirting and she said she was into it, I would be. I think, I don't usually have a lot of patience for jealous. This conversation actually. For jealous people. I think that being jealous is just a bad trait. Yeah. But you can't control it. That said, I think this situation sounds super fucking toxic.

And I think. So it's not jealous. They should break up. I think there's, it's a rare instance when I feel jealousy is a bit warranted. Interesting. Yeah. In this one, I think it's actually pretty warranted. But it's still jealousy, whether it's warranted or not, right?

Yeah. But I think unfounded jealousy is something that you have to deal with. Yeah. So jealousy is something that, you know, the other person has to address. I feel like they are addressing it though. Like I think, and what I was going to say was like it, maybe there's flirtatiousness because it's been four days. So they sort of feel like, oh, new house, like new environment.

They've already fucked. So like they kind of can maybe look back on those memories and get a little excited, you know, especially because they're long distance and she's not having sex because they're monogamous. But I think, I feel like when you live with someone, it wears off pretty fast. Or heats up pretty fast. Yeah. Like I think she's going to fuck this guy.

I think she is. I also think the honesty is because they were in an open relationship though, where like maybe they're, if they're like polyamorous by nature. They probably have open lines of communication like that, that don't exist in a monogamous relationship. Yeah. Or maybe they did hook up and it feels like confessing to flirting and being into it. Yeah. Is like a half confession so you don't feel quite as guilty.

Look, I think this needs to end. I think it's bad. You're on the phone. Yeah. Thanks for the intel and with that information, I'm going to just call it now. That way you can have sex with this guy and you clearly want to and you clearly want to and I won't get upset because you guys can do that because we're broken up. I just don't think you can, I don't think you can reverse the train at this point.

You can't put the toothpaste back in the train. The train. Yeah. The train tube. The train tube. Oh, the tube. Yeah, exactly. The tube.

The tube. You can't put the toothpaste, the toothpaste back in the tube. That's milk. That's a carton of half and half. Boxed milk is better. That's all milk. No, sometimes it'll come in a jar. You meant a jug.

Whatever. I'm being whimsical, man. I'm drunk and I'm pissed. Yeah, this guy's drunk and pissed and incredibly uncomfortable. It's also funny to like have a conversation and be like, oh yeah, I forgive you. We love each other. I'm going to be cool. And then like your true feelings are that you're upset.

We were talking about chess the other month. This is some sort of emotional checkmate. She's like, I'm being honest with you. Can't get mad at that. I'm not hooking up with them. Can't get mad at that. Just know that we're flirting a lot. Live together for a year and you're not here to stop it.

Thoughts? I think she shouldn't have told him. But also like it probably eased her conscious and now she thinks it's fine. Exactly. Which I think is a little selfish in a way. I told the truth. I am absolved. I feel better.

But now this guy has to deal with those feelings. The only way for him to win is for him to cheat on her as much as possible while preventing her from actually hooking up with this guy by saying, he's being monogamous. That's like flipping over the chess board. That's why I said this was a toxic situation because that's what will happen. I used to do that too. It's quite destructive behavior. I think this only works if they are so mature and wise and probably have a little whimsy.

Ideally he'd be wearing a robe but I'll take what I can get. I think it's not necessarily toxic. I don't think it has to be but I think it's a 90% chance it ends in heartbreak. Yeah. For all three. I think the roommate is actually at the most risk of being crushed. The roommate, the hot guy that's not in a relationship at all and just gets to flirt with this girl. That doesn't do any of the hard stuff about being in a long-distance relationship and just gets to kind of be the other end of the spectrum.

Couldn't things be better if we just were together and we live together and we share a bathroom. But what you can do and what I would insist that your girlfriend does do is do-do because the bathroom is shared. She goes and fucking... He keeps shipping her coffee beans. Just rips up the bathroom, clogs the toilet, stinks up the joint. That's going to kill any romance in the air I think. That's my advice. Send her a gold belly delivery.

Lasagna and a cold brew. Yeah. So she has to eat it. You have to eat it without silverware. Don't flush the toilet for a week. If it's brown, don't flush it down. Exactly. It's just good for the environment.

Yes. We need to nip this in the butt. That's good. Nip this in the cake. You've been like the guy who's in London. You've also been like the guy who's the flirting guy. You've been the girl. What's like the best...

If you were to rank those people in this situation, this thrupple that they're in, is being the guy who's not in a relationship. That's number one. That's where he's feeling the less stress and anxiety, right? Yeah. That's probably the absolute lowest amount of stress. Maybe the tiniest bit of pressure that you're like, I don't want this person to break up for me.

Break up and then I'll let them down. I lived in that area for a long time. A great place to be. And then second is the girl who's sort of like, I got the guy. She holds all the power. Yeah, exactly. You're in a tough place, but you do have the control.

That's cool to have control. And then in dead last, I would put the guy who's in London sort of getting updates on the phone about how much they're flirting. Who is just anxious all day, all night, only feels good when he's talking to his girlfriend because that's the one time that he knows she can't be fucking the guy. And even then... You can't quite tell unless it's a FaceTime. Yeah, then you do a text, doesn't...

Like no response? Great. You are getting eaten out by this roommate. There's no other explanation. There's no other explanation. Even if she's responding actively, who's to say he's not going down? They're still not doing oral. Yeah, exactly.

They could still be doing oral at that point. Especially if it's sent with Siri. Yeah, she's using voice memos and he's sort of hearing it in her voice. I feel like with jealousy in general, just to give other people a little piece of advice, it's like, if you're going to date somebody, I think the way out of feeling jealous is just like, I don't know. If they're going to hurt you, they're going to hurt you anyways. So nothing that you say...

Well, that's not true. You're sort of stuck. I don't know. I think if they're going to do that, it's like, look at your phone. No, it's an umbrella. I'm sending it out. I feel like if you're going to get cheated on, you're going to get cheated on anyways, and it has nothing to do with you.

Yeah, I think maybe the best way to get cheated on is to project... Exactly. ...to push someone away and basically drive them to do what you think they're going to do anyway. If this woman cheats on this guy, it's only because she's made a shitty decision to hurt him. It doesn't have to do with him. Definitely, I think the idea of surrendering control, because you don't have any of this point, it will at least make you feel a little bit better. But again, I think they're going to fuck, and I think that you should nip this in the bud.

What if he does the Homer Simpson back into the open relationship? So he sort of fades. Let's just open it up again clearly. Yeah, if your communication is that good and you could just be like, I don't want to deal with this. Let's have an open relationship. Don't tell me about anything that happens with that guy, whether you hook up with him or not. If you can actually live like that and be happy, then great. But if you open it up, they're going to fuck.

So you don't even have to be like... She might as well tell him, because he already knows. Well, you don't have to tell me that, but I would like to see it. Did he say how old he was? He's 91 and she's 15. It's a reverse Herald and Maz. He's 87, she's 24-ish. She's 24 and a half.

I also think they should just break up in general, because London to wherever in the States, why? Is he in the States? She's in the States. Oh, I see. Yeah, definitely. Why? Yeah. Nothing like a relationship with an 11-hour time difference.

So you're just sort of never on the same wavelength slash page. Yeah, because you also... You don't have to do open relationship. You can just be like, I care about you, I love you, but we're long distance. Why don't we just break up? And then if we're in the same place later and in a place to date, let's date. Yeah, I got news for you too. If she's in the States and you're in London, it's an open relationship.

Whether you want it or not. Whoa, Invisalign's coming up. I got something to tell you, by the way. Rubber band. Oh, shit. It's a pretty open relationship. All right. How do you now have a headgear?

I didn't notice that. Every time I blink, you have more dental work. Orthodontist. You have a fucking expander. It's so bizarre. Also, I just noticed the chain. I think this guy should just get a chain. Really?

Yeah. Also, if he injects whimsy, you're not going to be thinking about this. Do you see Will if he's in a hat? I've been thinking about doing more jewelry. Why? Yeah. Pinky ring. Pinky ring.

Might do a bracelet. Oh, sure. Got another tattoo? I do need to get another tattoo. Oh, for your family? Yeah, the family tattoo. I did see you tweet, would I be happier if I got another tattoo? Yeah.

Do you think that that would be the case? Because you're doing the whimsy thing and shouldn't that be enough? But you could get a whimsical tattoo. Of a bear fridge. On my ass. Does Grayson edit these or Grim? Grim, yeah. Grim, when you're editing this, can you punch in at the moment that Amir just looked at

me after that question because what a prick you are. It's a camera angle that doesn't exist. How did you have that? It's like those NBA replays where they can kind of go 360. Yeah, we should put cameras all over this place so you can just like walk around it in a VR setting. All right, let's take another break. Come back and answer some more questions.

Two ad breaks. Two ad breaks. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. Like a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. I just heard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like, could

go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

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All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a

professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month.

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Theater. Yes, theater. I figured, Jeff, you do theater stuff or have done it before. Sure. Maybe you can help us out. I'm a theater major and she is one too. Normally, all fine. No problemo.

The catch is that we're currently in a show together and she is the opposite lead in the show to me. There's a mighty sticky situation because if we play out the idea that I tell her how I feel and I'm very incorrect, then we have an awkward deal with each other in the show for an additional month. And that makes me feel like a massive asshole. The solution is clear, right? Wait until the show is done.

A fucking course you'd say that because we haven't even gotten to the sticky as blotch of the problem yet. At the end of the semester, it seems pretty likely that she's going to Florida for a semester and I'd like to start kissing her face ASAP and I wouldn't mind being in a long distance for a bit, especially because I can visit her on spring break. I also will be graduating next semester and where I'll be staying in the college area for another year after graduation to save her grad school, I'd be missing out on some pretty precious bone time if you know what I mean.

So my question is, do I bite the bullet and risk the awkwardness for a month or do I wait a little longer and potentially lose the time of it all? The longer I wait, the more I worry that she'd see less of a reason to date my hot ass because she's going away for a semester. Thank you, Conrad Birdie. How's that? Bye-bye fucking Birdie and this is the end of the night. Oh my god, she doesn't like you, right?

Oh, okay, I guess he didn't really consider that option. How do you introduce their relationship? Long time listener, first time writer, now on to the question, I'm pretty into this girl at my college and I think she's into me. I would like receipts for why he thinks she's into him. Yeah, it's tough with the co-acting thing because you're pretending, but then sometimes it sort of convinces your mind that it works. Any many actors will get together.

So I think there is a reasonable expectation that they might like each other. It might be mutual. I would just, I don't think that the alternative is that bad. When you do it at the end of the play, she's going away, but you just said yourself you could visit her during spring break and you're down to be in a long-distance relationship. I think relationship's not on the table though because she's talking about a four-week period I think after the play ends and then she's gone for four months where he'd get to visit her for five days.

So just hook up. That's also fine. Yeah, but you're also not considering, well I guess you said it would be awkward for both of them, right? It'll be awkward for her. It'll be very awkward for you if it doesn't go well. If he goes forward and she says no thank you, then it's time to do the play. The only thing...

Oh, sorry, go ahead. Oh no, I just think that would be bad. Don't do that to her. Yeah, it could ruin the play. Because if she doesn't like you, she's just in a play and then you do that and then suddenly she's in a really tough spot. Do you have an understudy integrity? If he has an understudy, then it doesn't, you know, confess.

She decides. Confess, if it doesn't go well, you sprain your ankle over the weekend. And then he can't be Danny Zuko because he sort of has a bruised ego slash shin splint. So now you have to be Koniki sitting in the back of Greenlight. Tell me more, tell me more, why didn't you want to hook up with me? It doesn't make sense. Sorry, turn on the lights. I hate to break the fourth wall here, but Sandy over here is actually not that interested

in me. Hey! We go together. She makes this game. I'm a huge fan of waiting for the time when the time is right and just do your thing in the meantime. Hook up with other people that you don't care about and that's fine in the four weeks, so you're still getting laid and then once the play's over, tell the person you really

like how you feel. Yeah. It's not like now or never, now or at the end of the play, what about in three weeks and when you're a little more sure? Yeah. So the play's about to come on and then you go for it. We're just, yeah. Right.

We're the curtains. Curtains, everyone. I really think we should go steady. She might be having the same thoughts. I feel like give it a few days. Give yourself a deadline or something where you want to decide. I think you need to collect more information, I guess that's what I think. Or we need to collect more information.

He might have. He needs more data. He is like, I think she likes me, but she's going to go away soon. Why don't you just like flirt with her for a week? Bring her a mango. Yeah. Bring her a mango. Sorry, you said yes so quickly to that.

Why did you agree to that? It's like a tic-tac meet. And what did you mean by that, the bring her a mango thing? Oh, somebody brought me a mango once and I was like, oh, they want to fuck me. Because they brought you a fruit. Yeah. Jill brought me a clementine at work. Really?

Yeah. So that's what it is. Bring them a citrus. Bring them a citrus. Bring them a plum on my doorstep the other day. That was Ash. That was her. Yeah.

Because I took a bite out of it and I started tripping balls. It was rotten fruit. She wants to break up with you. Because of the rotten plum? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I tried to sort of turn the other cheek. Look the other way.

There's always rotting food on your front speaker. Yeah, because you order it for me. Yes. You order for me. You don't tell me that it's there and it stays there for a weekend. To eat. To eat when I get back. Are you gone for that weekend?

Yes. I see. So was it a DJ Khaled's another wing? I would have eaten. It looked good had I gotten there within 71 hours. But instead of 72. So many ants on the back. I am sorry about that.

I didn't know you were out of town. Still wouldn't, I still wouldn't have known that it came because it was sort of contactless drop off. Right. Yeah. Can we do one last one that's drippingly sexual? Mm. That one is pretty sexual but let's see.

Not really. You're talking about the lack of sex. Yeah, that's true. That one's sort of a bad roommate so can't really do that. This one was just sort of fan mail. Search kink. There we go. There we go.

Unintentionally edged. Oh, that's good. There you go. My name is Blank. Nice. And I need help. It's a lady. I think Jake will be especially helpful for this dilemma.

Thank you. What? Sorry. You're a cuckold. You're obviously a cuckold. You're not open. So I, 21F, I guess that's her body temperature or something like that, and my boyfriend 21M have been officially together for three months.

We met about six months ago and have been doing the deed for six months, minus two weeks. Anyway, he's been very sweet and communicative in bed, which I very much appreciate. He always asks before slash during if I'm comfortable slash feeling good. Everything always starts great in his four play game is 10 out of 10 and every time in the actual sex is perfect. Great. No, it's in my laptop. But then once he seizes the cheese and jizz, jizz, whizzes or whatever, I am left blue

bald. Now this isn't every time. This isn't every time he's definitely shivered my timbers more than once, uh, a few times, more than a few times, but probably three fourths of the times we ride the bone coaster. He's the only one that makes it to O-Town. I don't even think he really knows because one time we were playing a drinking game and he had to answer the question, when was the last time she had a big lady? Oh, his answer was this morning.

And we did fuck that morning, but I didn't actually get to a clam cramp. Jesus Christ. This is what you wanted, overly sexual, right? Exactly what you wanted. Exactly what you wanted. Pervert. It's the simplest question ever. And I have stated to him that I can't finish from just penetration a few times, so I'm

not sure when he thinks, uh, I've been having a genital sneeze this entire time. Genital cheese. Jesus Christ. But I truly think he has no idea what's- You wrote this half on Urban Dictionary. What's a good way to bring this up without being awkward? I don't want him to be embarrassed or feel bad because I love him and I don't want him to think he's bad in bed.

It would be an honor if you could help me out with this one. Anyway, you guys are the bee, the bee's big toes or whatever they say. And should you do another live show in Syracuse, me and my friend Gene will come see you. Cheers. All right. From Blank. From Blank. So she wants to basically tell her boyfriend, actually, I've only been calling 25% of the

time. Yeah. Roughly. Roughly. Yeah. She doesn't come. Oh, because I'm tight, by the way. How do you tell someone that?

Because his ego would be bruised to hear that. I think don't preserve his ego. His ego should not be the number one priority. You coming should be the number one priority. But I think there is a way you could do it where you soften the blow. I don't know how. His card? Maybe a card?

No. I think the... Like iTunes gift card? His ego is going to be bruised no matter what because he thinks you're coming. But like he, at his core, even though it will be painful to hear, he does want you to come. He wants to be good at pleasing you. He wants that just as badly as you do. So it'll be weird at first, but ultimately good for you.

You guys have been dating for six months. It's a relationship growing pain. He does need to know how to get you off. And he should know sooner rather than later because the long... If this comes up a year from now, he's going to be very thrown. Okay. So do you think it should be like a personal one-on-one conversation or more of like a two-truths-in-a-lie situation in front of all their friends?

It's not that hard. The way you do it is by opening it up for... He's asking you, are you comfortable all the time? You ask him. Is everything happening sexually that you like? Is there anything I could be doing? Oh, definitely. I mean, we're having sex all the time and we're both having that major, major O, which I love.

That's actually... Is there anything wrong with me? It's a perfect segue. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I come 25% of the time. So there you go. You played that into my hand.

Why are you fucking keeping track? No, you don't say 25. It's like, I don't come every single time. How often do you not? I think you say it feels really good when you're like, you're fucking me and I think I'm coming, but also I want to see what it would feel like if you go down on me. There you go. There's your fingers and then you'll probably actually come, especially if you can communicate

what you like and if he can do it. So you don't mention the orgasm thing. You just give him general tips that hopefully trends you towards the orgasm goal. No, I think you can maybe soften the blow by saying, I think I'm coming, but I'm not sure. Right. And then he can be like, well, at least she thinks she is, but there could be something more.

I want to get that something more. I want to see that. You don't have to say it's 25% of the time. I'd just be like, this, doing this doesn't make me come and like when you do, basically recall another good time. When you do this, that really got me off. That really made me excited. Framing in the positive.

So do that again. And then also, I think you could just act a little bit and really differentiate when you're coming and when you're not. So to make it extra clear for him. So I really love this specific one and it happened to be one out of every four, but I honestly don't even remember if I came to the other three times. It is three fourths though. You should know the ratio, but I would, at the very least, you don't have to approach

it as a, here's something we need to talk about. I'm unsatisfied because that will make people unhappy, which sounds like you don't want to do, but you can frame it just as a, a general check-in. How can the sex be better for you as a good partner? He will ask, and how could it be better for you? Interesting. And if it makes you feel any better, I'm sure Jake, you recently told me that you're success rate is five percent.

So the fact that he's getting her 25% of the time, like it's considered not good enough. Hilarious, man. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. I don't think he was like joking though. I'm just saying that he actually took, like. Well, I can't fucking get someone off every time. It's pretty, it's pretty hard. You said one in 20.

So I'm saying that like one in four is actually pretty good. Knock it off. It's not even having fun with it. He's just saying, matter of fact, it seems like a bruised ego situation. The lights turn off and on. Like you feel good. Don't make you feel good. Yeah, it was funny.

It was like a nice little. I'll say. Oh, my God. This is ridiculous. It's are you were you rubbing his hand to get it out? Actually, this is called finding the G spot. Oh, no way. My clam is cramping. You think she's making these up?

Are these an urban dick? The clam cramp, the genital sneeze. I have no idea. Yeah, a lot of these are pretty. I thought of a. So there's dick pic and I thought of the opposite for that is gas snap. And with that, I think we're going to end the podcast. Not this episode, but the entire show.

I feel like every time I'm in this room with you, a show ends. Every time we talk, a career dies. And it was because of the gas snap. It doesn't even rhyme. That's the worst rhyme to slant. And well, there's two slants. Oh, my God, man. Casey.

Only Gen Zs will get that shit. Yeah, I'm serious, man. Eighteen ways, you know, you were born in the late nineties. You hit him with a tiny dab. With a tiny hit him with your tiny dab, dab, dab. All right. Thank you. Good luck. Open and honest relationship. Hey, you're headed towards a higher ratio of fifty, fifty.

Who's to say maybe three fourths of the time. Amazing. OK, thank you for joining us. Thank you for watching. Jeffrey, anything to promote at? Jeff Boy already on Twitter. I'm almost at 10,000. You've been saying that for half a year. And I've been begging you with my eyes to get a retweet.

Nineteen hundred. You're not even that close. It's more than a five hundred. Eighteen hundred away. How close are you? Let's see. Jeff Boyardy. I think it's like five hundred ish. Wow.

Oh, yeah, nine four seven five. So. How many followers do you have on Instagram? Fifteen thousand almost. I thought that. You'd rather that than the other way around, right? No, I'd rather Twitter. Interesting.

Why is that? Because I don't know. I want career advancement. Back in high school, they called me Hore James was your last last tweet. And can I get a retweet? Can I? Well, it did have one.

Can you do that one service? Mayor McCheese, PhD, retweeted it. Username Fettuccine is Bay. So I mean, that person is sort of spreading. The gossuck. And the truth is, I was at 9800 a month ago. Is that true? No, you're dwindling.

You were at 10 K. All right, sweet. And we'll be back, of course, next week. As always, every time you can send us your theme songs and your questions, if I were you show at gmail.com. Who wrote that opening one? Did I did I ever mention? I hope so.

The guy from Toronto, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, he said he had nothing to plug. Yeah, yeah, hate to say you're getting old parody of The Hives. Lauren Mince from Toronto. Shout out to Lauren Mince. Shout out to Jeff. Shout out to you guys for watching.

We'll be back next week. Bye. And he goes because you're over. Here's going away at the end. Got a shame because you're older. Trying to regain success that you had in the past because you're over. And you say you're getting old and true. You're old.

You're old. You're old. Here's all the time in your videos we're better because you're over. Running in the morning and we're starting to wake up because you're older. It's true. That was a Hidgum Original.