If I Were You - 547: Walmart, Texas

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

In this episode we discuss pillows, scrotums, and being a mayor. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. It stopped. Yeah. Alright, starting over. Nice. The podcast don't cost money. And these bills are kind of funny. So you should listen to it for you.

Every Monday they will listen for you. Listen to your stories and you can tell. You can send an event to it for you. Savage. Awesome. That was actually written by Fred Savage. No way. Isn't he cancelled or something?

Fred? No, I don't think so. I think. Maybe it was written by Ben then. Ben might be fine, but I also don't know which one is which. Exactly. Yeah, Fred was from Wonder Years and Ben is from Boy Meets World.

Boy Meets World. Cool, love it. Either way, they're absolutely... No, they were in a commercial recently. How cancelled can you be if you're in an ad? I don't know. These days, who fucking knows? I like that.

That was actually neither Fred nor Ben. It was a prolific theme writer of ours. Justin Goncalves? Close, Dear Lincoln. Dear Lincoln, alright. It's back. In honor of Ben Schwartz, because he plays Dewey in the cartoon.

Yes. This is his submission, 9 or 10. You can always plug his band, Dear Lincoln on Spotify or at DearLincoln.com. Very cool. You know I dropped my phone in the toilet right before recording today.

No, I didn't know that. Have you ever dropped your phone in the toilet? I don't think so. Was it in your pocket? No, it was in my hand. So you were peeing over the toilet? Yeah, I was peeing. I washed my hands.

I turned to like... I was looking at my phone. I turned to wipe my hands from the towel. And it just kind of flew out of my hand. Uh huh. The toilet was mid flush. Yeah. I think I was peeing, I flushed the toilet

and it fell out of my hands then. So it was just pee and it was in the act of flushing. I see. So pee, pee and water. Sorry if you hear leaf blower. The gardeners like to come as soon as we hit record.

So they were sort of waiting, waiting, waiting. Looks like he's recording leaf blower now, ideally. Your gardeners all work for Ear Wolf. They're trying to sabotage. It's a sabotage sludge hit job and I guess they're reading our texts

starting a little early today to avoid them but then they're like, all right, run, run, run. They're starting now. So despite all that, pee, pee and the flush with the bowl. So it's a rinse, yeah. I think the pee was mostly down the potty

when this had happened but the bowl was refilling. You know. Yeah, I mean, it's not ideal. Tomorrow you leave for Europe, right? Day after tomorrow. So it's fine.

It is waterproof. Yeah, that's true. Do you got to do the right thing anymore or that's not a thing anymore? No, I rinsed it off. I rinsed it. And I don't know that there's anything else I can do. I guess I'll use a disinfectant wipe on it of which we have some.

You might as well do the right thing just in case. Just in case why? It's still works. It's perfectly fine. I know, but it's nicely waterproofed. The rice thing is a good hack and it's nice to have it that way. Right, and then if I wanted any pissed rice

I could have that for dinner because all the piss will go off the phone and into the rice. Yeah, and then I could have piss sushi. Piss in the pot. Two parts piss. One part rice. One part phone.

All parts rice. Nice. Did I mention it's an android? All right, so thank you to Dear Lincoln. I guess his real name is Nathan Thompson. I had no idea. No, NT, respect. Do you want to talk about your song? Oh, yeah, I would love to.

I would love to. I mean, it's not ready to... It's near ready to debut so I don't want to give too much away. Yeah. I will say that a few weeks ago we had a gentleman named Gareth

wrote a theme song for us. I believe I mentioned that I was down to write lyrics if Gareth would do everything else. Yeah. Follow-up style. Yeah. And we chatted on Instagram.

I wrote lyrics for a song. Yeah. Not even funny lyrics, right? Real punk lyrics. Yeah, I think there's a couple small little jokes in there, but mostly it's an earnest punk song as if I were in high school. A sincere attempt.

Yeah, and he knocked it out of the park. We've been going back and forth the last week making some final tweaks, but it's ready to premiere next week. Wow. The big thing that I'm trying to figure out is getting on Spotify. Yeah, how do you drop?

Have you thought about tweeting for the first time in a while and you'd be like, all right, I'm dropping my SoundCloud link. Here's the SoundCloud. I guess I could break the internet with the Schwimmer's Ear tweet. And then it is time. And when it goes viral, inevitably,

I sub-tweet that and I say, here's my new, yeah, me and my band just dropped this song. That's cool. And then the band is, do you have a name yet, well, I'm sort of still working through

if I want this to be the band name or the album name, but I forget exactly how it came up as we were DMing. I think, because I told him a song I wanted it to sound like and he was listening to it or something and it was on Shuffle.

So we called it Fate on Shuffle was the name of either the album or the band. Fate on Shuffle. Fate on Shuffle. And it is on Fleek. And the bathroom is on Sweet. Is that a parody

or play on any phrase or anything like that? No, it's just kind of like a turn of phrase that it's old and new. It blends to moments. Yeah, it sounds like it. I've heard it before, but I haven't.

Yeah, which I guess maybe makes it perfect. Fate on Shuffle. It's all words that we all know. Yeah. It's like Random Destiny. Yeah, exactly. So do you like that for the album or the band? Random Destiny is actually pretty cool.

Random Destiny is not a band. Random Destiny is Child. That's cool. You should start a rival band because I think that's how we should have a beef. We should absolutely have a beef and one of us should get murdered and that's how we'll really go viral.

I'll use Gareth as well, because it's kind of confusing. You're saying you don't know whether to use this as a band or an album title? Or the name of the album. You and I have specifically talked multiple times on this show about what would be a good band name.

So I kind of want to use one of those, but I can't remember any of them off the top of my head. Yeah, neither can I. I'm sure there's some super fans out there remember. Yeah, so I'll dust off my Twitter for this drop and someone should tweet at me and let me know what bands we've said or what band names we like.

And then it's only a matter of time before we actually hear the song. Yeah, I mean if we record again before I leave for Europe I think I can debut it basically then. Whoa. Yeah, in which case this band name thing will be completely obsolete,

but that's okay. Have you heard the new Drake album? Didn't he just release slash drop an album? Yeah, I have not heard it yet. But I've heard that it's a very different genre than Drake usually does. So I don't know if I'll like it.

It's like house. It's cowboy music, sort of. It's all two-step. It's Katnai Joe. It's line dancing. Yeah. Meets the Macarena. But yeah, I signed up for

a distribution thing to put it on Spotify. Oh, wow. Soon you'll be like an artist that gets shit on by Spotify. You could start complaining about like the money. Yeah, I can't wait. All right, but until then

I guess we're still podcasters. This is if I read the only advice. Pod on the web hosted by me. I'm Amir. I'm fate on shuffle. It's just testing it out. It felt right. You are the fate on shuffle.

One half of fate on shuffle. Okay. Me and G-Money. A question from a 21-year-old. A 21-year-old girl, actually. Very nice. We'll call her Visa.

Oh, why? Named after her favorite credit card. That's cool. I'm a 21-year-old girl and I found myself in a sticky situation. I was going to the beach with my boyfriend and our best friend. I was sitting shotgun and our friend was in the back seat. So every now and again I'd turn

and talk to him directly. He was wearing a swimsuit and was sitting with his legs crossed. And a few times I turned around I inadvertently caught glimpse of his right ball. He's going through a tough breakup right now so he's not doing great emotionally.

So my question is should I tell him I saw his ball at the risk of embarrassing both of us? Should I tell my boyfriend I saw our friend's ball? Or should I just off myself in a Starbucks? Help, yes.

I have two cats named Jake and Amir. Oh, wow. That's awesome. I want to see the cats. Yeah, me too. Love that. I wonder if anybody else has two animals named after us. That's pretty tight. It seems like a cat thing. You can't really go full dog with Jake and Amir.

But cats, name them whatever the fuck you want. Do cats know their own names? I don't know. I've never heard someone call a cat and the cat comes over. I've seen that before but who knows if the cat is responding to its name or the voice or the tone

that associates. Just like a noise. I don't even know if dogs know their own names. Interesting. I'll test it out by changing Luke's name to Jake or Amir. Yeah, I bet he'll come no matter what. Yeah, sounds close enough.

Duke. You could start calling him Duke. I think you shouldn't tell this guy you saw what good would come of it. It's just so that she gets it off her chest. I saw your ball and it's just

eating me alive that you don't know that. I don't even know what the harm in having have seen it by accident really is. It's not like you you didn't cheat on anyone. It's not like looking at someone's nut by accident makes you an adulterer.

No. So there's not really there's not really a reason to tell him unless you think he would think it was funny which it sounds like it would be awkward at least judging by the way you're talking about

bringing it up. The fact that she knows the specific that it was right. Yeah, that means that she was kind of into the idea of the ball. Interesting. It was a right ball. So it's like that means

she knows more than just like oh I accidentally caught a glimpse. Yeah. So if you do say something which I don't necessarily think you should I don't think you should specify the right ball. I saw your nut and then they'll be like which one

and then you'll be like how the hell should I know? It was the right. It was the right the right ball oh oh oh from new kids on the block. Yeah. You could probably bring this up

in a couple of years. I think then it would be funny. He's not going over the break up. It's like oh you know I saw your ball once and then everybody would laugh about it. But if it comes out as a confession I feel like everybody else would be uncomfortable. Yeah.

My friend just pinning the fucking best friend against the wall by his neck. What did she say? I don't fucking know man. Why'd you flash my girlfriend your nut? That's like when you punched the wall next to him.

You know? I'm fucking crazy man. You're tough. Like you're oh my god. Dude did you get so tough? Fucking do the joke a guy out thing?

Oh yeah. You can watch the Sun YouTube I should say. Yeah. I want everyone that's watching at home to see your tough guy. Imagine this dude he showed your girlfriend his ball. Yeah.

She accidentally saw it. She accidentally saw it. And then what? Yeah. The teeth like that a little bit. That actually kind of hurt. Yeah. Your eyes are watering.

You're not crying are you? Dude's fucking fighting back. Oh now I'm like I'm getting all stiff. Fuck me. What happened? I think he would like put like a curse on me or something.

Is your tongue swelling up? Are you allergic to drywall? I'm allergic to being tough. I'm having a reaction. Alright I'm back. Don't say anything about the ball. I think you don't have to.

I don't think it's a confession worthy thing. I agree. Alright let's take a break. Thanks sponsors come back and answer more questions after these massages. Yeah. Thanks to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes.

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trial, free postage, and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back Jake do you have any? Oh it's the left side of the fight! Mom I'm coming! I

don't do you How's this one? And actually you can try it on for size. Okay Bring your favorite pillow with you when you travel. No way Absolutely not. No fucking chance.

Let me try to sell it to you. How often do you find yourself in an Airbnb slash cabin slash hotel and it just feels something is not quite right? I would say that

a pillow in your luggage is more important than an extra sweatshirt or to a jacket perhaps. You can always deal with that when you get there. If you have the pillow that you know and love with you at all times, you can enjoy that vacation

like it is your comfortable bed at home that you've tailor made to your specific situation. I will give you depending on the type of trip you're taking if you're throwing a bag in the car

and if you're staying somewhere for a long time then that makes sense. Maybe if you're taking a flight and you're checking a bag and you're going to stay in one hotel or Airbnb or friend's

house for an extended stay the way I travel which is usually carry on one to two nights I'm not bringing a pillow that's a little absurd. It takes up a lot more

space than just a sweatshirt or a jacket. That's maybe instead of bringing like thick. Well if you're going somewhere where you feel like you need a parka and you go parka or pillow then I would highly recommend the parka because that sounds like you'll need the jacket more so than the pillow.

Yeah so you're sort of freezing on the day but when you put your head down to rest it's that perfect height. Yeah if you really need that pillow I would honestly order the pillow to the place where you're staying sleep on it for two nights and then turn it if it be like that.

Yeah that's interesting. The amount of space the work for the return on that I can sleep anywhere and I think most people can find a way to sleep. It's not all the pillow. It's not all the pillow. But sometimes the pillows are really

flat and bad and it's like now my neck hurts and I'm hurting for the rest of the trip. I mean it's not ideal when you go somewhere that has a bad pillow situation but I think that it's rare enough that it's going to be so abysmal that you can't sleep that it's not worth traveling

everywhere with your pillow to combat the few instances where you need it. I was searching for like you've reviewed pillows right? We did yeah. Are you still using that specific like temporary memory foam one? I'm actually not using that anymore

because I am no longer dealing with like any kind of stiff neck pain I think due to a better diet and exercise regimen. So that's not necessarily as necessary for you.

Not anymore. The pillow that I got not that this should be a pillow ad but I won't even mention just so people yeah. It's my pillow. It's just because you like that guy's politics. It's an alt-right pillow manufacturer. I think it's like a

Sealy brand pillow with those like it almost looks like the things that you pop underneath so it's like a memory foam cooling or whatever. Oh yeah. That's that might be the same one that we got. Is it the cool pillow? Yeah. It basically always keeps that pillow a little cold.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the exact same one. I mean if you got that guy in your Airbnb you're just sort of upping the ante a little bit on your casual trip. By the way, that pillow though? That pillow? That one doesn't even compress enough to put that into

a small bag. You would really have to go. Yeah. You'd have to mostly bring just the pillow and then you'd have to bring an extra bag. So if you're traveling somewhere by car you could throw in a pillow. Yeah. Yeah. You could also get an oversized backpack

specifically for the pillow and just keep everything else in the carry-on. Turn the pillow into a bag. Bag the pillow. Like Halloween. Yeah. So you turn the entire pillow case with the pillow. Do you think you need

that pillow to sleep? If the pillows is where I'm headed or bad and it's not a good situation for me. One is too little two is too much. I oftentimes wish that I just brought that pillow.

I've got a lot of leeway on which pillows I like but if it's overstuffed I can't handle an overstuffed pillow. No. God no. Nor should you. No. Yeah. I wouldn't want that. Overstuffed and under delivered. Alright. So that's my unsolicited. Consider bringing the pillow before

last year I would never bring my pillow there. And this year? Yeah. Consider bringing it. I brought it on like a glamping trip. I'm like I don't want to deal with whatever standardized pillow they have. Well yeah. Glamping I can picture wanting to bring your bedding

because sleeping outside is a little less comfortable. I usually would trust in it. I definitely always trust the hotel and I would typically trust the Airbnb. I guess it was more of like a semi-cabin situation. Yeah. Got you. Okay. Here's the question from a dude who has

an X. Alright. Hey guys we'll call this guy Max as in American Express. So short for his favorite credit card. Credit card. Yeah. Yeah. Love you both. I'm just thinking about

that kind of stuff because I have a lot of unpaid debt. Debt. Yeah. I recently broke up with my X because college ended and we both went to different cities. I still really love her and we still talked. But I recently started making thirst trap TikToks. After one of them

went mini viral I noticed she blocked my number, my Instagram and all of her friends unfollowed me. Here's the video. The video is just to like set the song to your last four pictures and it's him like, you know, doing a zipline him shirtless with abs, him like

at the beach doing something cool. First trap TikTok and it went viral. So yeah, I guess a bunch of people watched it complimented this guy and I sent it to you in the chat. Okay, let me see this. How do I get her to like me

again? I want to be on good terms with her because I care about her but I don't feel like I have to stop making thirst traps. I'm in a pickle. Once again love you guys. Any advice would be awesome. This is almost like a new way of hitting the dating scene.

You don't have to download an app anymore. You could just make a thirst trap video and if you're hot enough it'll go viral on TikTok. Yeah. Ostensibly turning TikTok into a dating app. Dude is definitely pretty shredded. Shredded. Yeah. He's absolutely shredded.

And he's, yeah, the his fashion really on point. He's a hot. He's a hot shredded man who's sort of getting hot shredded fans. Mm-hmm. Damn. Wow. The app definition is really incredible. What are you thinking

for the curious what your core routine is. I was asking about the excuse me because I'm wondering if you're doing the crunches, the V up, the jackknife, the Russian twist,

or if you're doing more weighted stuff, the halo, the leg raises from like hanging or something. I just need to know what your, what's the cardio because to have that much definition

and mass. It seems like he has 0% body fat. It's just like, yeah, I'm wondering how he got that because I'm I'm trying to finish. Between metabolism and cutting out any carbs he probably doesn't need anything. I look like shit compared to him. Okay.

And I'm wondering if I can finish. You're in range. How to become, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed in myself and I'm pissed at you. Why? What the hell did I do? You let me get a word in edgewise. Yes, I am.

I let you go on for too long if anything. Should he have to apologize to this girl for posting a thirsty trap? No, I think that you just recognize that this is all running its due course. There's you were in a relationship.

You graduated. You broke up. You moved to different cities. And then you posted something on TikTok that gave you a lot of new fans and new people who are interested in you and kind of alienated someone you had broken up with and their friends

which is perfectly fine. This is all this is nature running its course. Maybe it was expedited by the video, but at a certain point you do stop following your friends's ex service first. Yeah, I mean

honestly, if anything, it's a badge of honor that you looked so hot and they got so jealous that they needed to unfollow you. The video doesn't I don't think that you it wasn't so egregious that somebody should be like, this guy is a douche you know, in the beginning

of it, he's got like the low angle on the chin. He doesn't look that good. Maybe that's why I went viral. Interesting. And then it's like, oh wow low angle. This guy is normal. Holy shit. He's actually really hot. Yeah. So maybe that's it. But I

I do think I think that it's like basically that juxtaposition made it just funny enough that it's not like pure douchebag thirst trap which is perfect. I noticed you haven't really posted anything since you're

surfing. Yeah, since I know well I here's what happened. I've done two surfing trips where I took some videos but I again I leave the phone it doesn't come out with me. Well now that I've pissed on it and I know it's water proof

maybe I'll bring it out into the ocean next time. But the videos that cut together from that, it just looks like here you are in the car, here you are at the beach, here you are hosing off your wetsuit and it doesn't look like I went surfing. Right. I think you're focusing too much on that specific

tiktok. Like there's other stuff you can post. There's other content to be had. Yeah, you're getting hung up. Yeah, I went on a long bike ride soloedolo last week and I should have taken some videos and I didn't. It's hard to remember to take video. What about

everything that you described this surfing one and then it's like for the surfing one you take like an iPhone video of you like recording a YouTube of the world's largest wave. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, it's sort of like a goof a little bit. Like well, I did but it's like you can see the tabs

at the top of the screen. So you're not really fooling anyone. Yeah. So I searched like Andrew Cotty Nazare. Yeah. It's a placeholder image of sorts. That's nice. I like that. Thanks. Let me know if you end up posting it.

I'll like. Well, now I can't really post anything until I have like the APEC apps like this dude did. I mean, don't have that would be hard to not post. You don't need to post and I would be tagging my axis so they would unfollow me.

Do they even follow you on tiktok? I don't think they know that I have a tiktok so I have to follow them ask them to follow me and then start tagging them and stuff. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, let's take another break. Thank another sponsor and come back with more questions after these.

Yes. But the entire head gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so

tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first

child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parent's kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We

got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my

grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy

smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me

like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the Head Gum podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist

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H-E-L-P.com If I were you. Check them out. Thanks BetterHelp. Alright, we're back. Here's a question. A 24 year old from Texas What do you think we should call this Master Card. Oh, Card.

Yeah, MasterCard. Right. Named after his favorite card. Calling me again. Yeah. I saw somebody in a wind jacket in your hall. Yeah, they're fucking gank in my shit, but nothing's even worth close to what I owe. Great, you have

a TV. That's not 80K. Yeah. Oh, there they go with the Diamond Bracelet. That one's worth a lot. God damn it. Alright, 24 year old from Texas. I'm taking a few semesters off college to save some dough and pay off some debt. Here you go.

Alright, good stuff. He's doing it the right way. Here's my question. I go to Walmart like every day to get a drink, lunch, etc. And lately when I've been going, one of the greeters has caught my eye. I've developed what you would call a major crush

on this cutie. Here's my problem. Under any other circumstances I feel like making a move would be chill. But since I go to this Walmart every day, I would hate to make or feel weird as hell at work, especially because I go to this damn Walmart every mother fucking

day. Again, I live in a small town, so Walmart is like one of the places that people go here when they just want to leave the house because there's not shit to do in this town. I'd hate to blow it and be forced to exile myself from this wonderful Super

Center. At the same time, I really feel like this Walmart cutie is in my lane, looks slash hotness wise. What should I do? Help. I feel like if you've put this much thought into it, it makes you better than most guys

who have asked her out kind of immediately. Yeah. It's crazy that you really can't get everything at Walmart I guess. Between a date you probably have chips, gasoline, furniture.

True love. Have you been to a Walmart? A dongle in love. Yeah, I've been to a Walmart. What do you mean recently? I know there's not any in New York or L.A. They're sort of bigger in the middle of America. Oh, I guess maybe so.

There's a Walmart in my hometown. I've definitely been there relatively recently. When I'm traveling, we buy groceries somewhere and stand in Airbnb. There'll be a Walmart nearby. This is such a small town that the Walmart

is the biggest, most prevalent thing. Everybody goes there. Everybody does that. Everybody knows somebody there. That's right. Do you want to risk that if it's the main drag? Right. I think so. I think it depends

on how you approach this. I think if you live in a small town, Walmart's a big thing. You don't have a ton of opportunities to meet people. I think if you behave in a normal fashion and if you get rejected, you take it well

and it's normal, then you haven't like blown ever going to the Walmart. You're just a guy that's going to the Walmart where somebody said that they didn't want to go out with you. But that's all part of the game. I also wonder if there's conversation to be had that's not asking her out.

Dip your toes into discussing having like conversation with this person. Yeah, I think that's definitely true. I wouldn't go from zero to will you go on a date with me? Maybe have a couple conversations. If you go in there every single day

I think you can build to it. You always have to remember that the greeter's job is to be friendly to you. Don't get too ahead of yourself. That's a good reason to start slowly. Make a friend. Just make a friend.

That's a normal course of action. Make a buddy and then see what happens from there. You think when he says I get a drink he means like a Diet Pepsi or like there's like a bar at this Walmart? I think he means like a Diet Pepsi. Like a Gatorade. You know, Walmart's they have the

the Pizza Hut's they have the coffee shop in the front. Yeah, and then they have the drinks aisle. It's not like a bar or anything. I've never been to the Walmart in this person's town but I don't think there is a bar there. No.

It's not a really... You don't know anyone at HQ that I could pitch that to, do you? I know. Isn't it the the Walmans? Sam Wallman or something? Oh, the Walton, yeah. Walton, okay. Yeah, I know him.

So you should sort of soft pitch or Walmart. Walbart. Walbar, yeah. That's not crazy. Because people are already there and if they're getting kind of like tipsy

in going to buy like beach chairs or fucking Tupperwares. They'll end up spending more. Yeah, or sweats. They're a little drunk, yeah. And then you could also you know, in the storage part of the Walmart you can have it be a hotel.

You could basically make Walmart just the town. So there'll be pods to sleep in in the back. There's food. There's drinks. There's games. There's play. There's toys. There's guns. And you have

everything you could ever need in one place. Really the Walmart should just expand its wall around the whole town. Right, almost like so there's a Walmart and then there's a wall even around the area around the town. Your town is actually the marked now.

Exactly, so you think of the town as a Walmart with the Walmart as the whole of this bagel. The Walmart is this big, the town is this big and everything in between is also Walmart. Exactly. So it's almost like, you know how they made a city in Florida called Celebration Florida?

I didn't, but that's cool. Maybe? What is it for? I think Disney just like created a city. It's just like, let's just make a fucking city. Right, schools, shops, whatever we can do this, it's easy. Why not? Yeah. Walmart, Texas as a city

in Texas. And we would be the mayors because we thought of it. We could be co-mayors of a city. How cool is that? That's actually not terrible because I do have a bunch of like thoughts regarding urban development that I wanted to

pitch and I don't know if that's like something I talked to the governor of California about or if all of Cali's sort of spoken for. Right, or if we could just get a new territory, a new mark to ourselves in Texas where we don't have to actually run

because the whole town was our idea. So we are almost a high idea. The judge, jury and executioner. I will be the sheriff, you will be the mayor. Yeah. I want to be the judge, Judy and executioner. That's good. Yeah.

That's good. That's good campaign slogan. I'm fed up. I'm like, hurry up, please, but also I can give people the chair. Uh-huh. Yeah. The lawn chair. Yes. Actually, you know

a book on tape you recommended to me years ago is one I'm actually currently reading now about Oklahoma City. Oh, Boomtown. Yeah, Boomtown. Yeah. It's great. It's a great book. Do you like it? Yeah, so far so good. And I'm just getting to the part where they just sort of opened up Oklahoma and it's like, all right,

whoever wants to grab a parcel at noon today the soonest. Have at it. Right. Yeah. And people like snuck in to get the best parcels. Right. So we could do that, but in Texas. Yeah. Are you reading, reading or listening, reading? I'm reading, reading.

Cool. I resent a little bit the accusation. No, I listen to it on a road trip. Yeah, I was going to say you did listen to it. I thought it. You didn't read it. You listened to it. Yeah. I'm reading it. Not listening to it. Several years after I recommend, four years

after I recommended it, you're reading it. I asked if you're listening to it because the author does the reading for it and he's really good at it. Yeah. That actually sounds kind of cool. I don't know why I got all wacky or defensive. Yeah. You're like hot and bothered.

I feel like I'm being threatened as the mayor. I want to be running unopposed. You wouldn't be doing this if you didn't also have the power slash. As a sheriff. Yeah. The mayor is going to be tried.

What about that for a pilot? So we just sort of take over a Walmart, turn it into an entire city, meaning you don't know anything about this shit. We're both 2,000 miles away from this town and now we're the mayors of Walmart,

Texas. It's a really high concept. I can't see barely. There's so many questions. There's no president for this. No. Right. Yeah. To be legal. To be clear, I think it's

a bad idea for a pilot. Interesting. You and I created a town called Walmart and we run it from not even being there. We run it remotely. Yeah, we just sort of find ourselves on a road trip and we get the high idea

of turning this entire thing into a town. Right. I don't even know how we go through the fucking red tape of building the wall. I would not want to. I feel like even when we have a good idea and we pitch them as pilots, they don't get

actually. So by that logic, this idea is just dumb enough, just bad enough to get eight seasons on CBS. It doesn't hold water to any follow-up question. Like, is there any precedent for this? No. Do you guys know the first thing about running a

city? No. Have you ever been to Texas? A few times. We don't really know anything. Do you have, like, the legal right to use a Walmart as like part of the core part of your story? Who knows? What's the B story of the pilot? We don't have a B story. We don't even have an A story.

We don't have an A or what of Walmart that we just decide is a town one day. What are you talking about? I don't know. But I think this is like what Seinfeld did. They're just like, it's a show about nothing. And that worked out for them. Somebody would have to take a flyer on us

because they really believe in ourselves as auteurs. Right. But we don't have, like, a precedent. We have nothing to show for ourselves beforehand. We have no track record. Right. It's not like we came from a popular like a friend's or how I met your mother.

Right. And now this is our long shot idea. I was a PA on house. Were you? No. I don't know. Just give me a TV show. It can't be worse than what? What do you guys have on this fucking network?

Bob Hart's Abishola? That's the number three show on television. Really? Shit. Good God. So then it doesn't matter. Nothing does. Well, that's Chuck Lorre's show. He sort of proved himself time and time again.

So all we need is Lorre. We need a Lorre style showrunner. We need a Lorre to buy our story. That's really good. And there's probably a chance Lorre is listening to this. If you are, the show is called

Walmart, Texas and Jake and I become the mayor and sheriff of a grocery store slash town. What don't you get, Mr. Lorre? All right. Let us know. If you have an in with Lorre, if you have any more questions,

if you have any more theme songs, the email address for all that information is iffireyoushow at gmail.com. Correct. We always need more questions, so if you find yourself in a sticky icky icky, let us know. Yes.

Dear Lincoln was the opening theme song. Soon it'll be Fade On Shuffle, but for now it's still Dear Lincoln. That's right. Thank you guys for listening to this as you do a podcast. Thank you guys maybe for watching this on our YouTube. Yup. And if you want more of me and Jake, we have a Patreon.

Patreon.com slash J.A. We're watching. We have a lot of great episodes giving commentary, shedding light, insight. That's correct. So you can check us out there as well. Here it is one more time. That DuckTales theme song.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Listen to your stories and you'll find a Updates. Ooh, ooh. You can save the day. That's why we root for you. That was a HidGum Original.