If I Were You - 55: Real vs Fake

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

In this episode we play J&A trivia, picture detective, and another rousing edition of WOULD YOU DO THAT?Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Visit audible.ca to sign up. Jake and Amir are two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. to sign up. positive motivations they swear! Segment! Another podcast! Segment! Each app different from the last! Segment! It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes! Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts!

Segment! Are your arms tired? You kept them up the whole time. Welcome back to Segment! Oh, they're injured kept them up the whole time. Welcome back to segments. Oh, they're injured. A segmented puck, oh. Yeah, you're being held in a stress position, John McCain style. I like presidents that weren't caught.

Yeah. No, we're back in the lab slash studio again, recording this again, we have to say before the election. So if there's some crazy purge happening and we don't reference it, that's why. That's why. We don't know what the world is when you're watching this. I think it's November 18th this episode.

Wow. But we're recording on November 1st. What brave new world will we be living in? We have no idea. We can have no idea. Everything is a toss up according to the polls, according to the beddings. We can't fucking prognosticate.

Yeah. I assume it all worked out for the best though. For sure. Yeah, everything's gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be fine. Yeah. Everything's gonna be fine. Fine.

Know that everything, know that everything. Who's DeLong voting for? Tom DeLong has to be a Kamala man. Really? I would think so, but I guess he's kind of like an airy-seed theory guy. I'm not sure. I don't want to look into it.

Yeah, I don't want to look into it. Yeah, Hoppist for sure blew down the line. Right, right, right, right. Travis Baker can go either way. But Baker, you're talking about a different guy. Different guy. Yeah. All right, this is segments,

a segmented podcast of segments. Why don't we start with one of my favorites? Oh. Would you do that? This is where you give me kind of hypotheticals and I decide if I would do it or not. Yeah, not quite a would you rather, cause it's just one option.

Would you do? Or not. Yeah, it's like a would you rather do it's just one option. Would you do. Or not. Yeah, it's like a would you rather do this or nothing at all. Right, right. Or everything is the same. It's a would you do that. Would you do that?

Would you do that? Would you do that? I thought it was would you want that? Really? Oh shit. Okay, here we go. These ones are good, by the way. All right, great.

Kind of interesting. Little left center. Yeah, okay. So all the other ones you've done have not been good, but we're getting better, yeah. Kind of interesting. Little left center. Yeah, okay. So all the other ones you've done have not been good, but we're getting better, yeah. These ones are real. You have to walk and get Froyo every night for the rest of the year and not tell Jill why.

I wanna get Froyo, let's get Froyo. Again? It's been three days for 100 days left in the year. But at the end of the year, I'll throw you a New Year's Eve party anywhere you want. Within reason, within reason. Yeah. That's it?

Would you do that? I borderline, if the question was, would you want me to throw you a New Year's Eve party, yes or no, I would probably not want that. So like, yeah. I would have to be something way more enticing. I have to dangle a bigger carrot than a party. I don't think it would be hard for me to get Froyo

every night for the rest of the year. Every night. Do I have to tell Jill or do I just have to consume frozen yogurt? I think after dinner, you'll have to leave and go get Froyo. Yeah, but I'll just be like- What's the nearest frozen yogurt to you?

Is it walking distance? Yeah, I live in New York City. Go anywhere. Of course it's frozen distance. It's a freezing distance. It's gotta be 12 below distance. It'll be cold, it'll be cold, but I can get to Froyo.

Yeah, November, December. I'm sure I could. 29 degrees out. There's gonna be a Froyo with getting a block. You're getting a Froyo block. You're freezing. I live above a 16 handles. A tasty delight.

Yeah. No, I think I could get it pretty easily cause I would just say that I was walking the dog. I'm gonna go walk the dog. Oh no, you have to say you're going to get frozen yogurt. I have to say I'm gonna get- That's the whole point. That's the bad thing is admitting to Jill

every night that you're gonna get frozen yogurt. Okay, well think if I still combine it with a responsibility, like she couldn't say no. She couldn't be like, stop getting frozen yogurt. I'd be like, I think I'm gonna walk down and go in, I'll pick up frozen yogurt. And I do that a few times. Then it's like, stop getting frozen yogurt. I'd be like, I think I'm gonna walk in, go in, I'll pick up frozen yogurt. And I do that a few times. Then it's like a nice treat to yourself.

Then I'm a creature of habit. So like she wouldn't really second guess any of it. She would just be like, oh, this is like part of your new OCD now. So like you just get frozen yogurt. I mean, I got Starbucks every single day for 15 years. Yeah, but that's a little more understandable, I think. Coffee as an adult is an understandable habit.

So is getting, the thing, what it really comes down to is that I don't trust you to throw a New Year's Eve party for me within reason. Within reason. Yeah. It needs to be a bar with a max. Right. And a min.

Yeah, so basically for me getting frozen yogurt every single night, you would do, you rent out a min. Yeah, so basically for me getting frozen yogurt every single night, you would rent out a bar. Max cost is probably gonna be somewhere, I bet you'd do it within reason, under $5,000. Oh great, I would do that for the show. Yeah, I don't want it. You don't want it. I would not want this.

It's not interesting to you to have it that way. No, no. This one's a little political. Good. And it might be outdated by the time we air this episode, but for now, we don't know who will win. So if slash when Trump wins the election, and I'll go on record saying I think he will.

Do you really think that? I do. You need to post a selfie of your I voted sticker on Insta, on main with the caption, "'We get what we deserve. But if Harris wins, I'll pay for your online food app ordering for a year. Within reason.

What do you mean within reason? You can't just go ham every night. Oh, so you're not gonna let me bundle anything. You can bundle, but you can't just fucking get 10 burritos every night. You can get a meal for yourself. Yeah, and I might bundle the- Three to five times a week.

Excuse me, I might bundle with dessert. Oh, bro, yo. Can I get a meal for yourself three to five times a week. Excuse me, I might bundle with dessert. A Froyo. Can I get a Levain? Because I changed my fucking mind. Yes, can I get a Froyo? Could I get a burrito bundled with dessert? That's gonna be a, it's gonna be, it's not reasonable. It's gonna be $40 or $50 every single night. That's the new normal.

Okay. And it's, you're paying for my online delivery, but it sounds like you're only paying for dinner because I sometimes order delivery for lunch. Which is fine. You would pay for that too? Pay for that too. Would you pay for a bundle for lunch?

Yes, it would be reasonable. It has to be reasonable. It would be reasonable. It would be, it would only be- It can't be every single meal extravagantly. It would be only food. Basically, we would say, what have you ordered in the last year?

Let me ask the question. And that would be the fucking maximum. Cause I bet you wouldn't break the bank for your own fucking self. Well, actually I do. So why are you taking advantage of my hospital? Actually I do. Actually I do is the issue.

I overspend on to the- Pull up your rocket money. I would be embarrassed. I want to see your Uber Eats. I would be ashamed to show you my Uber Eats history. Over under a thousand dollars a month. Wow. I don't-

In that neighborhood. Yeah, probably. Wow. In that neighborhood. Yeah, probably. Probably. And it's cause of the bundling. It's the bundling. You want the cookie. They make it too enticing. Yes, you want the soup.

And the salad. I will get a sandwich and a smoothie and that's a $40 lunch, man. That's not okay. That's not okay. The risk is if Trump wins, you gotta post that weird political thing. Right, we get what we deserve.

It still sounds like, I mean, it's like me saying that I voted for Kamala, but not enough people turned out. It's almost like a- It's kind of an I told you so slash fuck you to everybody for not voting your way. I think if you would pay for my online stuff for a year, and it's basically a bet on if Kamala's gonna win. Do you mean she wins and becomes president

or she wins and the election is ultimately stolen, which is what I think is gonna happen. It will be hashtag rigged. Yeah, they will find the votes. They will send home the election observers. Basically, Kamala wins the popular vote. Even if it's contested, I win this bet. Who gets sworn in for president in January?

That's the bet? Yeah. Then I think it's gonna be Trump. Of course. So I wouldn't wanna take the bet. So so far it's zero for two for these ones who do the ads. Okay. This one's pretty interesting.

Actually, you know what? Fuck it. I think it's gonna be Kamala. Oh my God, he's back. I'm putting positive vibes out there, which is really dumb because now it's- It jinx it, yeah. Well, it's not even jinxing it

because it's coming out after, you know, several weeks after you let it in. People will know. They'll know. Yeah, they might. But I just want, I want the record to show that I believe in Kamala and I think she's gonna win and I will take the bet.

Okay. This one's kind of interesting. Okay, the first two have actually been low key duds. No way. Way too political. Way too far. Way too Froyo based. This one's not Froyo or political. Okay.

If you renew your vows with Jill, including asking her father for permission, I'll pay for another wedding of yours within reason. Stop saying within reason. It makes none of these enticing to me. It needs to be. I give you a nickel and dime me the whole time. It's not a nickel and dime, it's just you can't go

fucking eat. Oh, can I throw a million dollar party? No, that's not reasonable. Whatever your wedding costs, I will pay for another one. You'll pay for that, exactly. Yeah. Okay. But it needs to be this summer at the same venue you got married.

So you have to tell everybody I'm renewing my vows and you can't tell anybody it's for a bit or a bet. Right. You have to basically say, I'm renewing my vows, and you can't tell anybody it's for a bit or a bet. You have to basically say, I wanna renew my vows with you, I wanna have another party with you, I'll do it all, but I'm actually paying for the whole thing. Including asking her father. That's fine, I think Jill's dad would get a kick out of me asking.

He would laugh. But honestly, the idea of throwing another event sounds it was really great. I think you buy a lot of goodwill getting married once. I don't think you get that the second time around. Yeah, everyone has to go back there. Yeah, it would be like, I wish I could relive my wedding again

because you're surrounded by love and excitement. Yeah, but I don't think I wanna like go through the planning process. I definitely don't wanna go through it with you where you're like- I would pay for everything. You could plan it or not. But within reason you're gonna be like,

oh, the venue has napkins already. Why are you renting outside napkins? But you know, we wanted softer linen napkins, so we rented outside the venue. And I feel like you would, you'd be second guessing. You'd be going everything, through everything with a fine tooth comb. And I'm just not here for that.

I'll have these discussions with Jill and with my in-laws, but not with you. Would you let me rent silverware? Yes. Really? Yeah, you can break the bank a little bit with this. Sabre? What?

Would you let me rent sabre silverware? I don't know what that is. It's French. The fact that you don't know means I won't be taking this job. I's French. The fact that you don't know means I won't be taking this job. I'm out. So over three so far. Yeah.

I actually did the Kamala one. That's right. For every new dog you adopt, I'll donate a quarter million dollars to a high kill animal shelter. But I choose the dog. How many dogs would you adopt and why? Within reason.

So you're gonna give 200, but why would you give the money to a high kill animal shelter so they could kill more dogs? No, cause then they could afford. They could increase their capacity. Yeah, increase their capacity to keep the dogs alive. I see, okay.

I don't know if I would want you just giving a blank check to these high-kilt shelters. I'm at a shelter of your choosing, let's say. Okay. And I can, so as many dogs as I could handle while raising money through you for a dog shelter. That's right. Within reason?

Within reason. It's already unreasonable. Don't say 30 dogs. I guess already unreasonable. Don't say 30 dogs. I guess I would do four dogs. You would do a four dog additional to Dingo. To get to a million? Wow, so you'd have five dogs. And I get to keep the dogs.

I have to keep them forever? Yeah. Really? That's what a dabbing a dog is. Yeah, but I could kind of like farm them out. No, that's a dog. That's giving dogs away. Yeah, with like my parents might want a dog.

You'll have them at your house. Okay. Some of them might be teacup poodles. Some of them might be Rottweilers. Some of them might be Mastiffs. Then I guess one. That drool. Yeah, one. One extra dingo dog.

Yeah, one extra dingo dog. That's probably all I can really handle. That's fair. This one's kind of interesting. You said that about all of them. Every time you order a coffee at a cafe, you have to end your order with, and that's what she said, for a year.

And if you do. It better be good. It better be really good. I'll give you a private chef from January 1 through April 30th, within reason. That long. Within reason. I guess. And it will be reasonable.

If I really, I don't think I, I would want a private chef, but I would really need for it to be ongoing. Within reasonable, yeah. Yeah, I would need for it to be in perpetuity. Why, four months is not enough to establish a nice route. Basically, I think this should be constructed as I bank a year of goodwill from you

and then you hire the private chef and he works for me every single day that I make my coffee order and say, that's what she said. Because that's the only way I'm really willing to take it. No, I won't be doing that. That could be your would you do that? But mine is, every day at a cafe, can I get an oat milk latte?

You're so annoying. That's what she said. And a croissant. And? Can I say it really fast? I just do a cold brew, that's what she said, and a croissant. As? Can I say it really fast? I just do a cold brew, that's what she said, and a croissant. As long as it's clear to them that that's what you do.

I'll do a cold, they might just think I have Tourette's. That's fine. Ultimately you have a fucking pork loin waiting for you at home. I guess, but it's not that long of a time. January to April, it's four months? It's four months, that's a lot. No, it's not gonna meaningfully change my life

to have a private chef like that. You're already paying for my Uber Eats delivery. I'm not. You are, because Kamala won. And I took that bet. So I basically have a private chef anywhere in the city. Yeah. I could only be compelled to do this

if my private chef was gonna drastically change my diet and work with me. And then I would only be compelled to do this if my private chef was gonna drastically change my diet and work with me. And then I would only be able to do that on an ongoing basis. Because four months is not enough to form the habits that I need to carry me through the rest of my life. Don't undersell yourself or the chef. Last one, and this one's kind of interesting.

Yeah, I know. You start on OnlyFans, which is you painting D&D miniatures in your underwear. Okay, I borderline do this already. And I'll buy your parents their dream house within reason, but you can take credit for it. How often do I have to post on my OnlyFans? Once a week.

Once a week? Yeah. And is it like live streaming or is it just like- Yeah, live streaming videos. There's a difference between live streaming or I make these videos. I'm gonna like record myself painting a thing. I can like speed it up and post or whatever and post that.

It's a live stream. And you know, send a message. I don't really, do I have to engage with the- It's an awesome thing. Basically I already do a D&D live stream. So I'm like- Not the naked in the OnlyFans style. Right, but I would do a D&D livestream. So I'm like, yeah. Not the naked in the OnlyFans style.

Right, but I would, I'd be more interested in doing it in a different way. Like I would like to have a two camera setup. I'm in my naked, so there's, I'm naked. So there's one over my shoulder and then there's another angle on me. I'm having an editor cut all of this together. The lighting is good.

It's sexier than a live stream, which tend to not feel as sexy to me. Okay, fine. If you're- You can do the nice lighting. Okay, so I could highly produce it. Yeah. Only fans though.

Yeah, my parents dream house, like vacation dream house. Could they get a beach house in Nantucket? That would be- No, that's tens of millions of dollars. No, you could get a reasonable house in Nantucket that would be. No, that's tens of millions of dollars. That's not what the reason. You could get a reasonable house in Nantucket for three million dollars near town. That's a lot.

I was hoping 1.8 and under. Well, 1.8 and under is not gonna get them their dream house. In Connecticut, right? In Connecticut, they already have their dream house. Is it paid for? I will pay off their mortgage. And you will take credit for it.

No, because they have a low mortgage and they have a COVID interest rate. So I don't think that's going to be that compelling to them. It will be. I would want the house, I mean, if you're willing to go up to 1.8, and you did say that you are, and you're buying all cash,

and then I think that we could, I would definitely do this, but I would want to make sure that I had influence on where my parents dream house is and offer rescinded why I said yes I said yes no you didn't you had to nickel and dime the location of the dream it's their house you said I'm gonna pay up their mortgage that doesn't count and it will have to be a live stream and it has to be the Ily produced videos. It's an OnlyFans, baby.

You gotta give the people what they want. I'm down to do it if you'll give me $1.8 million to give to my parents. You have to promote the OnlyFans, so you can't just do it and then like, nobody knows about it. For sure. This has to be like a thing that you're open and proud of.

That's fine. That's fine. All right. Would you do that? Yeah. We're back, baby. We got one on the books. Yeah. Those were my would you do that's. Thank you.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. Day one. Day one sponsor alert. I mean, we've been using Squarespace for years and years and years. And we love them. And it's only gotten better. That's right.

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you could start the Blumen files at bloominfiles.com. If you wanted to be some kind of like reporter. Keep my last name out your fricking mouth. Actually, I was surprised when I found that goodtoilets.com was available. Imagine a directory of all the good toilets in town. Right, if you can't afford a great toilet. Just a good toilet.

Just a good one will do. And not one, but multiple. Goodtoilets.com, you can't afford a great toilet. Just a good toilet. Just a good one will do. And not one, but multiple. Yeah. Goodtoilets.com. That's nice for a guest bathroom, a powder room. Exactly. You know? You don't have to break the bank.

Just something that'll get the job done. You get it, yeah. So I had to- Just a nice, good toilet. We know what it's for. Doesn't have to be anything ultra fancy, we don't need it toto. It could be a quarter bath. We don't need it. Toto, you know, quarter bath.

Yeah. And that's fine. Kolar. Yes. Just even if it's a urinal, that's still a good toilet. I will say the toilet that confused me recently are like one drop and two drops. I'm just always pressing both. I don't want to have to do the fucking math to figure out what that was.

Well, the one drop, the. It's for PP and it's for DP for sure. Yeah, but really the best way to save water is to just let the yellow. I hear that, but then I also see that that's also not good for your toilet. Probably not. The calcium, the rust, the lime of it all.

Yeah, well, I just remember when we were living in LA, now I'm getting really verbose in a minute, right? Do you remember the drought when they told us to stop flushing the toilets though? Yes, they told me to stop showering, they told me to stop flushing, we were stinking for a year. Why did you stop watering the almonds? Okay, that's what's really doing it.

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Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah.

I used Rocket Money recently to find subscriptions that I forgot about. Oh, yeah. And? I found one. Oh, and? I found one. What was it? It was for a weird stretching app

that you recommended to me once. Remember that? Oh, stretch it? Yeah, it was like, oh yeah, you're stretching, you're doing good, all right, here's $17 a month and keep it up. It was expensive. Whoa, sorry, what's that?

Yeah, $17, you paid it for the last nine months. Have you been stretching? Whoa. No, I haven't been stretching. And my wallet and back are tight. Well, Rocket Money found it and was able to unsubscribe for me. Oh yeah.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash segments, rocketmoney.com slash segments. Segment. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments, rocketmoney.com. Slash segments. Correct. Thanks Rocket Money. Funny. Okay, we're back. And I've got a quiz for you. Oh, interesting.

Are you ready? So this segment is more of a quiz than like a would you do that style. Exactly, this is my segment. You than like a would you do that style. Exactly, this is my segment. You're done with would you do that. They were all really interesting. The Froyo. They were interesting.

The Froyo made you meaningfully consider. Yeah, yeah. I liked the Froyo. I thought I could get there Froyo wise, but the prize wasn't enough. Yeah. Now this is a Jake and Amir quote quiz. There are four real Jake and Amir quotes

and four fake ones. Okay. And you'll tell me which is which, ideally. Easy. Okay, quote number one. Yeah, I'd consider it, cause I'm considerate. Now consider this, you're dismissed, you prissy boss. Mm, that felt fake to me.

Shades of a real quote, but prissy boss? I would never say that in a video. Maybe prissy bitch. You would think that is from Toy Drive. No, that's a real quote? Yes, I don't know why you say it. You would think that is from Toy Drop. No! That's a real quote? Yes. I don't know why you say it. We're talking about how you take toys, I guess.

There's another line where you say, I steal their smile. Don't remember that. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So that one is a real video. Unbelievable.

Mistletoe above my camel toe and deck my balls with boughs of jolly. Fa la la la la la la la oral. No, no way. No, no way. Actually, I did put mistletoe over my grundle in that Secret Santa episode, Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la I don't think that has ever come out of my mouth, but it is inspired by a real event. Doesn't have to be a quote from you, by the way. Oh, what does that mean?

Just from my Jake and Mir video. Would you say that? I don't think he would say it either. I'll say fake. It is fake. Yeah, that was close. That was good. Yeah.

Yeah, that got me rethinking everything. Okay, you think you're so smart, why don't you try one? What's infinity times 69 or is that too sexy for you? That's a good joke regardless. I hope we thought of it, but it also doesn't sound familiar. What's 69 times infinity? What the fart?

It's almost like a white man can't jump quote of like infinity times infinity. So maybe it is based on something real I thought of once. But I don't think, or is that too sexy for you? They all sound so fake, but that one made me laugh the most I Have to go with my first instinct which is not real. That is also fake. Okay Whoa three bucks three bucks you prick in a wig, three bucks. You owe me money.

You skinny bitch. That one feels real. Some sort of bake sale slash toy drive again. I'll say real for that one. That's real from Jake and Amir bagels. I believe you, you bring Bagels to the office, tell people that they can have them, and then you start asking them for money as they take them. Brick in a wig.

Yeah, I believe you're saying it to Emily Axford. Bagels. Yeah. I knew you would hang me out to dry because you love seeing me fail, right? The Germans call it Schadenfreude. Americans do too. It's funny, we were enemies for so long,

but we still use some of their phrases. C'est la vie. Yeah, that's like one where I'm like waxing, like looking over like the snow or the Grand Canyon or something like that. I think that's real. That is real. Yeah.

Good stuff. Which one is that from? From iPhone case. That's not one of the things I thought of. Right. Brave like the Cherokee, strong like the Jeep Grand Cherokee. That's funny, but I don't think, I don't think.

Although there were a lot of like road trip style infused episodes. Strong. Brave like the Cherokee strong like the Jeep Grand Cherokee is a funny line, but I think not from a Jake and Rube video. That's correct, I thought of it on the road this morning. Yeah, that makes more sense. It's called a pig in a blanket, not a hot dog in a bun.

I can do my own thing with it. It's called a pig in a blanket sounded like a real quote, but then it went to a place that it didn't sound familiar to me. I can do my own thing with it, not a hot pig in a blanket, sounded like a real quote, but then it went to a place that it didn't sound familiar to me. I could do my own thing with it, not a hot dog in a bun. I think that's fake as well. It is fake.

You're really killing it. I'm the first one I got wrong. That's right. Actually, if you wanna know the whole truth, I saw a doctor this weekend, a psychotherapist specializing in manic depression and acute schizophrenia. And I guess he diagnosed me, for lack of a better term,

with having these delusions of grandeur and made it quite abundantly clear to me that without medication, that you just got punked, bitch. That one is real, I remember that one. That's just a great quote. That's just a great quote. That's from costume party. And you... Oh wait, alright, there's one more.

Enough. More than enough, actually. Okay? There's constructive criticism, and then there's this, this, this, this poison that you say to me. Also, it feels real. I'm trying to think of this specific episode. Is that IT guy? I'll say it's real, but I don't remember the episode. It's real, but it's from Bread.

Bread, yeah. Big, near bread. Yeah, a lot of of me jokes at a certain point where I didn't know how to speak well. You never take criticism well. So there's a lot of lines like this. I think there's constructive criticism and then there's destructive cynicism.

That's a different line. That's a different line. But I guess we hinted at it here. What was the first one that I got wrong? It was, oh, I'm considerate, now consider this, you're dismissed, you prissy boss from Toy Drive. I gotta look that up. I'm curious. I don't think we watched Toy Drive. Yeah. I gotta look that up. Yeah, you're curious.

I don't think we watched Toy Drive on our Patreon yet. Maybe not. Sounds very foreign to me. Yeah. All right, good seg. Thank you. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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All right, we're back. Yes, we are. This is some sort of photo Russian roulette game that we're gonna play. Yep. I have your phone, you have mine. Correct. A little visual, so this benefits those of y'all

who are watching on the YouTubes. Wow, your phone goes back really far. We're gonna look through photos in our photo album, and then I'm gonna stop and tell you the date, not the photo, and you're gonna try to guess what the photo is based on the date. Correct. Hopefully these aren't just random photos

or two salacious photos, but there's some actual details you can find. I'm gonna find a totally random one. So let me, do you wanna start or should I start? I'll start, June 7th, 2017. Ooh, really old. June 7th, 2017. Ooh, really old. June 7th, 2017. It's in LA.

It's a nighttime photo of us on the street in Silver Lake having gone out or something like that. Kind of close. It is in LA. It looks like our first crop of head gum interns. Oh. 2017. It's a photo of

Eagle, John George, Riley Ansbaugh. For some reason you have Luke. I brought him in that day. You brought him into the office. Yeah, and we shot a video. Really? Yeah, and I forget what episode he was in. Wow. Yeah.

Is that the first crop of HeadGum videos? Or of HeadGum interns? It is, right? Yeah. I thought we did a 2016 round. That's what I would have thought too. Maybe they came the next year. Okay.

Here's one for you. All right. September 8th, 2018. Did you take a screen grab of that photo? So you can edit in? I sure did, but I did lock your phone, so I'll need your password again, and that's fine. September 8th.

2018. September 8th, 2018. Okay, so I got married in August, went back to LA, then we went to Maine the end of August. Oh. went back to LA, then we went to Maine, the end of August. And, but then I came back, ooh, September 8th, 2018. I feel like I was, I knew I was moving and I was just trying to enjoy my life in Los Angeles.

It's a photo of Jillian with a bunch of plants on our front porch. Close. It's a picture of an acai bowl you made. Wow. So it is you enjoying life in LA. That is my house. I can see it says Mount Washington.

And it is of nature style, but it's an acai bowl. Are you still in your acai bowl phase? Yeah, and I call them acai bowls, but it's definitely, there's no acai in any of my bowls really. They're just smoothie bowls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were really into them here.

Are you as into them now? For sure, yeah. So you never went away. You're in a six year smoothie phase. I have a smoothie every single day, pretty much. Every day? Yeah, it's not always a bowl, but I basically, it's, yeah, it's a full on,

it's part of my life at this point. It's the best, it's your preferred way of getting fruit into your system. Let's guess your password. It feels like you would be all zero type guy. I'm not. Yeah. It feels like you would be your own birth year type guy.

It feels like you would be, you're definitely not an Avi Tal's birthday type guy. Just give me my fucking birthday. Okay. It's Avi Tal's birthday. Is it really? No. It's like bake, it's a family code that we used to use on like our house security.

That's very good. So that's why you can't say it out loud. A classic pin. Okay. Let's go ahead. We're gonna skip ahead. 2019. Yeah, let's get wild.

Yeah. 2019. Yeah, let's get wild. Yeah, 2019. May 10th, 2019. May 10th, 2019, right before COVID. No, a year before COVID. COVID's not even in the ether. Yeah. before COVID. Yeah.

COVID's not even in the ether. Yeah. It's a picture of my dog outside smiling in the sunshine. Not your dog? Because that's what 80% of the photos are. It is Avital. Uh-huh. She is leaning against a car.

Yeah. Oh wait, not a car, a statue. Okay. And it is in. You don't even know where this is. No, where is that? Downtown Portland. Wow, oh, you were there too, right? I sure was.

The next picture is you leaning against something. The next picture is me kissing Avi Tal. That was during our leaning era. Okay. July 20th, shout out to Avital, that's her birthday, 2019. So two months after that photo, July 20th, 2019. Two months after that photo, July 20th, 2019.

Wow. That's gonna be, okay. Micah's birthday just happened. I remember where we were around. Oh, I could have been then I had the night of Micah's birthday, I Remember I had to go to LA the next day and I remember this because I said that I shouldn't do any drugs Cuz I had to fly the next day and then I did just a little bit of drugs Yeah, just so you could still fly. But within reason.

And then they tested you at the airport, which they've never done. But then I had a quick trip to LA. Then I think I went back. Let's go ahead and say that I was at, I was visiting my friend Jesse in Fire Island. It's this photo of a stream. Very close.

Okay, so that's Jill and her friend. We're actually at Andrew Pyle's house in his backyard upstate. So it is natural, but not a specific place. It's a natural escape in the middle of the summer. Wow, what a time. But not quite, yeah. Those were some good,

that was a great little photo shoot. I can see you swiping, you're really enjoying it. The pictures get pretty cute. I'm doing one of those roulette stuff. Okay, all right, good, I'll do the same thing. But I'm trying to end on one that's kind of interesting. Yeah, right. A random one of a patch.

I have a completely random one. Okay, it's gotta be really random. This is so random. It's so fucking random. Honestly, you'll never get this one. Okay. Okay. And it's October 28th, 2021. October 28th.

2021. Pandemic. It's really hard not to guess dog backyard or dog laying down on the couch. Yeah, try not to. You're angling for something more unique than that. It's not unique at all. October of 2021.

Yeah, as a hint, it looks almost like something you sent somebody to convey information. Oh! It's not a screenshot, but it's the equivalent of me finding a screenshot. It's like a picture somebody else took on my phone. Not like that. Is it in LA?

Yeah. Oh, is it the Lakers winning the championship? Actually, wait, it's not in LA. Okay. It's in New York. In New York in October of 2021? That's right. Oh no, the Lakers one in October of 2020.

New York the following year, gosh. I don't know, what could it possibly be? Groups they threw out. A photo of a sign at JFK. So I take, whenever I see that at JFK, or at JetBlue, they do it like that. I make the same joke, usually to Avi Tom, like, whoa, that sign is Groups AF,

which is like Groups as fuck. So I take a picture and now I send it to people, yeah. Nice, this is totally Groups AF. Groups AF. This picture's really Groups. Okay, trying to find something noticeable in an exciting way. Yeah, feel free, go ham.

Yeah, okay. I realized there is a nude photo of me. Yeah, I'll try to find it. There's two of those on my phone. Okay. You see my penis twice if you're looking at the right place. Hidden folder or?

Not a hidden folder. It's public. Yeah. It's quite public. It's almost too public. It's my background. Okay, September 16th, 2020. September 16th, 2020. September 16th, 2020.

And I hope you took a screen grab of the last one. I sure did. And I did lock your phone. Oh no, I didn't. All right, September 16th, 2020. 2020. I'm gonna just go ahead and guess that is Jill and I

taking a selfie after we signed. Our ketuba. No, that was when we bought our house. So we signed our mortgage. We got our loan that day, took a selfie. Similar, it is a selfie. But it's you and Jill bike riding with face masks. Nice.

Because we didn't know better back then. We thought even bike ride outdoors, you got a mask on. Yeah, you're riding through the COVID. A lot of you walk through on COVID. That was September of 2020. That was so far into COVID. They made us wear the masks outside for a summer. Yeah, five months after COVID started,

you're masking up on a bike ride. Yeah, I think they could have done a better job just in terms of like getting the research out that was like outside, far away from people, riding a bike, you're good. They aired on the side of caution. Yeah, and it makes sense. But their hearts were in the right place. Yeah, yeah, they did the wrong thing

trying to do the right thing. Yeah, so I don't begrudge or blame. That was actually my Peloton profile photo for a while. Oh, that's interesting. Fun fact. Yeah. All right, give me another. All right. It's another group's AF sign. Yeah, I do that a lot for sure.

All right. Okay, got one. I think this is interesting. Oh, also September 16th, 2022. Interesting. September 16th, 2022. Interesting. September 16th, 2022. Yeah. You took a series of three photos between 1121 and 1122 PM.

PM? Yeah. Oh, is it like a haircut or a beard trim? Is it selfies of a haircut? Selfies of a haircut is my guess. Okay. It's, I think that's close. It's selfies of your armpit.

My armpit. They're this one, then there's that one, and then there's that one. I wonder why I did that. It looks like you're pinching the pit hair at this point. Interesting. Almost like you have- Is it like a scratch or something? It looks like you have a scratch or a bruise or a long hair that you're trying to show to somebody. Oh interesting, maybe I feel something and I

can't see it. I often do that in my ear. Yeah the next photo is Avital and Luke so there's really no reason. Yeah. No season for that reason. No. Okay. That was really intimate. Just armpit. Yeah just my pit pit. And I told, that was totally random. I wasn't searching for it. Yeah, like, hell you weren't. Why does it say armpit at the top? You fucking pervert. You're disgusting.

January 22nd, 2021. January 6th, 2020. Oh, don't open that one. That's gonna be hidden. Yeah, that's the one with your dick. You are at the capital. Oh, fuck me. All right, January 26th.

22nd. Oh, 22nd? 2021. 2021, January 22nd, 2021. That'll be a photo of a sandwich. A photo of a sandwich. Really close. In, what was that sandwich place called?

This is a really good sandwich place in Red Hook that I went to, but it sounds like it's not in any way. So the one to the right of that is a croissant. Okay. Which is close to a sandwich. Yeah. The one that I landed on is you again, wearing a mask outside biking.

Biking, wow. Nearly a year after COVID, but you wanted to take a selfie with World Trade Center. Freedom Tower. You saw the Freedom Tower, you said. You know what? Freedom, but then also the lack of freedom. Isn't that interesting?

It's kind of a fucking interesting judgment position. And I'm wearing the only NY hat. Yeah, do you still have that hat? I certainly do not. And actually I missed it. I lost it or something. And I tried to buy it again last year and they didn't have it anymore.

Wow. So it's gone forever. It really is. All right, a few more. Okay. Let's say, We gotta get out of this COVID era. Yeah, the COVID era is no bueno.

Let's go ahead. I'm gonna go pre-COVID. Actually, yeah, just pre-COVID. That's- COVID started. There's, all right. It's you and Wuhan. What the hell?

Wait a minute. Dude. Okay, wait, no, that's COVID era. There we are. There we are. We're out of the action. Now we're talking. Okay, February 27th, 2020.

February 27th. Yeah. Oh, that's right before COVID. That's right. That is right before COVID. Was it me in New York? It's actually you. I don't think this is in New York.

I thought we were in New York. Does not. Was it me and you together? We're not together. It's just you holding a bowl of mush. Interesting. And I still have mush. Do you really?

It doesn't look like that anymore. It's a circular container. You buy overnight oats? I buy, sometimes at Whole Foods, they have overnight oat tins for like two bucks. And they're called mush. What is in it that you can't make with just oats and milk? It's like berry flavored.

I see. So like the milk is a fancy milk and they already infused it with the fruit. All right, that's cool. All right, here's a good one to end on. November 7th, 2017. November 7th, 2017? Yeah, and this is a really good photo.

It's a really good photo. Okay, okay. 2017, November, wow. I guess I'm just gonna, we were touring a lot then. I'm gonna guess that we're on tour. We always went somewhere cold in November. I'm gonna say that's you and me in like Winnipeg. Close, it's me and Jake Nordwind in front of a pool

shooting lonely and horny. That's a good photo. Yeah, I'm in a tux and he's in a dress because I pranked him in the video. Yeah, I remember, that was a really great cold open. And it was cold, so you're right about it being freezing. Yeah. And he had to jump into the water.

That's right. Kind of cold and afraid. That's right too. Right after that is a picture of you in glasses. Remember your glasses phase? Yeah, yeah. What a nightmare. You had glasses for like six months

before you got Leosic or something? I think it was like, it was like a year that I needed glasses and I never wore them. So I just always kind of had like a year that I needed glasses and I never wore them, so I just always kind of had like a mild headache. And I was like, this is terrible, what am I gonna do? And then I was like, I guess I'll try LASIK

and it was the best thing I ever did. And then how is your vision since LASIK? Great. You know what I find myself doing now? It's like not getting too close. I have to like, I might need reading glasses soon. Yeah, it doesn't LASIK only last, they say it only lasts like four years. Might as well last longer than that.

My long vision is still good. It's just the, as you age, you're gonna have to start using reading glasses to read close up. Wow. So that's sort of is an inevitable aging thing. Yeah, I guess so. It's like, it's gonna get to the point

where I can't even read it in arm's length and then I get reading glasses and I can move the book closer I see so further and further away until it's too late exactly you've run out of arm length, brother All right a nice trip down memory lane, even though technically we're recording this in memory lane. Yeah again pre-election We didn't get a single one right. Is that correct? Yeah, you got some clothes, some vibes were in the area, but it's hard to nail. The vibes were strong.

I would have been really afraid if you got them all correct. Yeah, yeah. July 20, Croissants, West Village. I'd be like, okay, there's something wrong with you, I think. The Croissant in the West Village was a big part of my life during COVID,

because you would bike ride to the Freedom Tower, you would salute it, you would get the Croissant, you would get the coffee, and you would be back. I would ride to the Freedom Tower, you would salute it, you would get the croissant, you would get the coffee, and you would be back. I would ride to the Freedom Tower, I would shout at anybody who was walking. Not like me. Yeah. I know that, yeah, I would ride to,

I'd ride to that croissant shop at least one or two days a week in Manhattan. Croissants are kind of having a renaissance, I see a lot more of them. A rena-croissants. Yeah, a rena-croissants. I've been on the croissant train for a while. You've been on the croissant train for a while.

For a long time, for a long time. They're probably, they're my top five foods for sure. Yeah. Actually, in Gemma, she loves croissants as much as I do. Well, it's one of the words she says the most. What's your number one croissant in New York? Number one croissant in New York, thanks for asking. I mean, I still think Patisserie-

Yeah, I guess it doesn't matter. Wait one second. Thank you guys so much for- The thing about the clods actually, that was where it was Patisserie Claude Yeah. In the West Village. And they have changed, it still exists,

but they've changed it now. It's gotten like a rebrand so many years too late that like, it looks like a rebrand that they should have done in 2012. It's got like a millennial makeover. It's now called Claude 82, and it's all white and clean. When like what Claude was when it wasn't cool

when everything else was getting these Renaissance. Now all of these rich people are buying old legacy brands and not trying to change anything because people are looking for character. They are like, okay, let's strip this out of everything. Let's make it like- It looks like an Australian coffee house. Right, it's gotta look clean.

It's gotta look like we have 40 of these through the city. There's the only one. And how's the croissant still? It's still really good. It's still really good. I went in there recently and I was so upset. I was like, I can't believe, they changed it. The marketing around it was different. And then I had the croissant still? It's still really good. Yeah. It's still really good. I went in there recently and I was like so upset. I was like, I can't believe like they've changed.

The marketing around it is different. Yeah. And then I had the croissant, it's still good. But also Nick & Sons is very good in Williamsburg. All right. Okay. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching.

Hope everything is well where you guys are at. We'll see you soon, I'm sure, in November 18th. And for more of us, you can watch our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. J.A. Ja. And we'll be back next, you can watch our Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. Ja, ja. And we'll be back next week. Keep on trucking folks. Yep.

Bye everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original.