If I Were You - 55: Wet Dream

Episode Date: January 23, 2014

In this episode we discuss cowardly males, condo mishaps, and Kik messages.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest, most affordable way to build your own website/portfolio/online store -- http://bitly.com/17DIXqWSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

got so many questions but no one to ask them to he comes another one did you get yourself into come on you got nothing left to lose just send an email to e-file will you that was fine all right welcome to jerk you're a jerk acknowledge that they were that was good that was really good it was good can you imagine a world where we didn't open every single episode and close with a new theme song we just what do other shows do they just choose one what about all the other unwritten ones that are going to be good too that's i don't know i can't imagine a world where we don't um bleed our fans dry yeah

drop them take advantage of them more than anything of their talent and not give them any money sometimes like don't even say their names like we haven't said this guy's name yet we don't even nor should we yeah he doesn't earn it i think we earned it we earned the song i'm i'm amir i'm amir blumenfeld and i'm famous i think i'm world famous and then it rightfully so web famous now world famous hey this is if i were you the only podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake and that was alex maguire alex maguire opening up our show like a radio dj that was alex maguire coming at you that was the only time you'll ever hear that song on the internet all right all right alex maguire like that that was a song i could fuck you you know it was so short yeah

you're telling me exactly you're a two-pump jump i'm not a two-pump jump i'm not sometimes i don't even get two jesus sometimes i'm just one and done sometimes i prematurely ejaculate on the woman's vagina before i even enter oh god that's what's up that's what's up that's why i'm a pimp that's why i'm a pimp what's more embarrassing uh ejaculating after two pumps or not being able to ejaculate at all um i think it's more embarrassing to to ejaculate after two pumps all right but if anything that's like more of a it's like a compliment yeah like oh my god you were so hot i couldn't even laugh i couldn't even wait i feel like if you ask a girl if she would rather have the guy come like too soon or not at all of course you do not at all yeah yeah because then she gets to orgasm

and then it doesn't matter oh no i'm saying i think that they'd rather have a guy come come like easily oh you're saying they would rather yeah because you're like because she's like oh um like i guess i didn't get off but shit my pussy right you know yeah huh yeah what yeah my pussy be right huh uh girls can be douchebags too uh only when you're impersonating them so what do we do people are in desperate situations so desperate in fact they don't know where to turn so they email us at ifirishow at gmail.com and we do our best to help these people out that's it that is fucking it dude that was on point love that shit love that shit uh what we do is choose four questions and we go through all the emails and we choose uh three four sometimes five i don't know uh questions

and we read them aloud and um no fuck fuck fuck reverse reverse delete delete delete um yeah let's get started huh whoa it's going to be a fast episode why i don't know all right oh these are really emails from real people but we need fake names to preserve their anonymity can you give me a fake name um oh shit um uh tobey maguire everyone's name is just going to be tobey maguire actually this is a female named toby okay all right tobina writes tabitha maguire writes i've been with my boyfriend for about nine months and i love him very much over the time that i've been with him i've been focusing on taking care of myself gotten into fitness and healthy eating and lost about 25 pounds i've never been overweight but now i'm in really great shape and i feel

fantastic however now my boyfriend has become insecure and paranoid that i'm too good for him whenever we are out he always has his arm around me and is jealous and uncomfortable when i even talk to other guys i have been approached much more now and i've been asked out quite a few times but i would never even consider cheating on him i keep telling him he has nothing to worry about but his insecurities but his insecurities are driving me crazy he keeps saying how he wishes i wasn't so beautiful so i would be more in his league it got so bad one time he tried to fight a guy who offered me a drink at a party of course i'm flattered he thinks so highly of me but i wish he could just be happy for me for the changes that i've made because i feel great about

myself on top of all this i'm moving to new york city in the fall because i got my dream job and now he won't stop talking about how i'm gonna leave him for someone i meet in new york i love him but will he ever get over his insecurities what should i do thanks tabitha maguire oh tabitha oh no toby oh miss maguire you are in it you are you are in the eye of the hurricane you can't see tell you what babe tell you what doll hun girl pal let's make his worst fear come true i think it's time i think it's time actually that uh that uh that his fear becomes the reality and i will be in new york on february 19 i will see you there let's me and you go out you bring that fucking tight body you bring that hot smoke show bad and i'll um no you should break up with him right this guy is

one of the worst people i've ever heard ever in your life yeah i think i don't think it's ever like the jealousy makes people do crazy things but he's fucking he's a loser yeah he's a doof loser he's a doof loser i hate him you hate him yeah you hate this guy he's one of the worst kinds of boyfriends yeah yeah jealous possessive angry yeah this guy just told you that he wished you were ugly so that you can hang out with him i think he flattered is actually the wrong the wrong feeling here be scared be angry but how crazy are relationships that likes if somebody did that to you and you're in the relationship you're just like i don't know but i still love them why well that's girls are just like so loyal i think well it's also guys like guys could be mistreated more

often than not at least on our show the women we hear from are lovely amazing people and the dudes that we hear from are assholes this guy i'm not saying there's anything wrong with that guys because i'm an asshole too hey uh it's yeah it's pumpkin you're dating a deal weed you're dating a tumbling tumbling dickweed dickweed yeah um god i don't know i i i just i feel like i need to shake this woman and tell her that her boyfriend is awful you just want to shake her yeah uh yeah so uh so i just like i woke up i felt like i needed to shake a woman today i needed to stir one up you you shook her how dare you but imagine just being like all right i lost 25 pounds and i feel great it's like don't i look good baby uh yeah i guess but now you're too beautiful for me what are you gonna

fucking cheat on me he's not like he's not elevating himself yeah he wants to drag you down right so she improved herself got healthy he has it sounds like she has a good body image she's like she she feels good she looks good she's happy and the one thing that's wrong with that is your boyfriend basically actively doesn't want you to be happy or look good your boyfriend is a tumor a cancer on your body is that normal babe he's an emotional cancer think about what a partner should be doing which is inspiring you to be a better person this guy's doing the exact opposite and think about what you should be doing to your partner you should be like the fact that you got in shape and you are like feeling good feeling healthy he should be doing that too if he's like oh

man this girl is like this girl is bettering herself and she's gonna be better than me well that's not an idea that you should actually have in your head like this girl's gonna be better than me but like oh my girlfriend told me maguire is getting so healthy i want to do that with her i want to be on this same like upward trajectory uh-huh that's what he should be doing right no instead he's like arrest your upward trajectory come down here with me don't move to new york city don't go on your dream job yeah and like i we usually don't tell people oh by the way we answer this question on the podcast but i really want her to hear this i'm going to email her and be like by the way we answered your question this girl's really do for a clean break over here she's moving to new york

which is like a new exciting city to start her dream job it's the perfect time to cut this dead weight loser anchor uh and leave him in canada forever i think are they from canada didn't he say that i don't know yeah yeah i'm a 22 year old from canada and 22 that's the perfect age to move to new york and start over and you're you don't want to be entering a long distance relationship at 22 i've never been so sure of advice in my life i feel like i'm really i'm really secure in my answer on this point i want to shake them both i want to i want to put them in a blend tech blender just stir until until they're a juice they both need to be sure yeah they both need to be juice that's what's up boss um that being said i would like to see a photo i mean what if she's actually

ugly and she's just lying to us will we do you have her name in that email yeah yeah the facebook so it's lily yep uh fornic fornic tau lily li li fucking anonymity everyone look this person up it's not actually oh she was so confused it's like are you gonna edit this out what is going on right now what is this sorcery all right uh we concur we agree with each other easy that was nice um what should we do about this boyfriend though like i think we like breaking up with her we're breaking up with him is too easy like i think that she she should cheat on him because like he deserves that yeah i think he deserves to feel the actual he deserves that that shameful yeah he deserves to walk in on it in some

way and like to do it with a guy that can easily beat the shit out of him so like she she should find like the you know coolest strongest tallest dude and then it's like whoa what are you doing to my girl oh what's up what if we like me and you both fucker oh like we meet up in february i can't beat anybody up no yeah both of us could definitely beat this dude up okay here's a separate idea we found a really strong guy to fuck this girl and we hide in the closet and we probably were like gotcha yeah and then when he comes in he said get off get off my girl and he'll be like he's not your girl we're the podcast host that set this whole thing up and then while he fucking starts wailing on us because you know we were combined 300 pounds you know i don't tear shit up

i'm serious man i fight dirty i don't go down you know i'm saying what do you mean i mean like people are like oh jake's gonna get his ass kicked yeah no because i'll be scratching what do you mean oh kicking shit yeah that's painful scratching yo dude because i ain't gonna lose the fight i fight dirty dude why because i'm not gonna fucking lose man you'll scratch someone oh yeah somebody punches me in the face will you punch back or will we do scratching i will i will fall down to the ground i will bite them in the abdomen just like gouging out their eyes just like flailing yeah i will spin it around spin around in a circle with both my fists closed just kicking i don't you know i remember one time you took a bite out of some guy's calf ones yeah yeah he almost died because the way

you you hit like some pretty major arteries yeah that's what's up yeah that's why they say jake fights dirty jake don't lose a fight nobody wants to fuck with jakey that's what's up that's what's up they don't say it in a good way okay okay they think you're a sociopath maniac yeah yeah i'll sucker punch a fucker i don't give a shit man i'll sucker punch anybody especially this loser all right so lady if you're down we'll uh we'll hide in the closet while you fuck a really strong guy how did that advice she said how do i what was yeah what was her actual question like she's so sweet she's like uh i love him but will he ever go to get over his insecurities what should i do so it's yeah her question is like how do i help him get over his insecurity i want him to be better

and we were like we want someone to fuck you we'll wait in the closet it's like a girl who has a tumor being like oh but she's he's part of my body now i hate to just cut it off how can i like teach it to be a better like more who would ever say that exactly that's what i'm saying that's how stupid it sounds to me i feel you i feel you cut it out cut it out cut it out cut it off cut it off oh we should talk about how dav koolie is coming on the podcast later what mr koolie uncle joey sir i love doing the house the house was quite full and i'm full of love question was the woody doll ever real i realized at a certain point you were doing noises for him in a ventriloquist way i realized the role of michelle was played by twins were the roles of dat nicky and alex

played by quadruplets i'm seeing double four crusties should we get to the question number two this one we need an actual dude's name spider man toby maguire and toby maguire characters the theme of this week is word association uh hey guys my girlfriend and i just ended our relationship we have been living in a condo at a ski resort with two separate living quarters i immediately told her she needed to leave our condo complex it seemed reasonable as i had paid the expensive deposits on our room and i paid for our flights out of our hometown she has been sleeping on the couch in the upstairs condo where we would normally all hang out now it seems like they're all gonna let her sleep on the couch

in the condo for free as long as she pays for the food and other house items i'm into predicament should i still try to be friends and hang out upstairs or strictly stay downstairs and start over fresh and if she does stay upstairs should i try to get my money back from her i paid her first and her last month rent looking forward to the advice and the heckling i feel i need to help me through a shitty time oh man spider man that is spider man white people problems they're all revolving around condos yeah we live in a ski condo and now she's all in the other condo and i'm afraid i paid the condo fees she's sleeping upstairs where we all hang out and and this condo is actually a lot smaller than i realized now that i can't go upstairs and i'm stuck in my expensive

room so um now what sure i ski all day but when i come back home i want to watch some direct tv and the upstairs condo this girl seems like a jerk she's not leaving i think that's not okay i think she's doing like the uh well it takes two to break up and i ain't going anywhere yeah wait what did she like if they like both wanted to split he said they broke up and he immediately told her she had to leave the condo complex i'm sorry you have to leave the condo um yeah no this is uh i think this is the right thing to do okay i'm glad it's it's amicable and mutual all right we had a good we had a good experience we'll never lose that pack up your belongings i want you out of the condo complex by midday tomorrow uh i know it sounds complex but it's very simple i want you to leave

the condo complex yeah you didn't pay the minimum for this condominium so uh i paid the condo maximum for this condo minimum uh oh shit and i feel like all of his fans are doing a real disservice just like right now you're you're you're done you're out you're you're you're you're a goner or sister uh yeah hey you can sleep upstairs that's fine you don't have to pay rent yeah just great thanks just pay for our food how is what is this girl like what is the situation that she's created for herself she's made herself indisposable she's before she had a free room just that this dude was paying for yeah she's got a free couch that everybody else is paying for she only has to buy food why does she want to stick around i guess like also did you this guy was like was he buying

the plane ticket out in the first it last month's rent on the room like without ever having her like without her ever saying she's gonna pay him back and now like that they broke up he wants money i think that you can't necessarily do that yeah you can't ask for the money back unless but like if she always was gonna owe you money right now that now that you're like broken up you like really want to collect it but you never collect debt at the end of a relationship i feel like that's a sunk cost it's lost yeah like if you owed money to someone or if your lady friend owed money to you and you guys break up i feel like you can't be like well this is it yeah i have now it's just a matter of the 800 yeah oh me yeah how's your mom how's your family is everything all right um i paid for

what he was i my mom's fine actually yeah work is good it's just it's a little hard actually if i can be so frank as to say that's rough um there is the matter a small matter excuse me not small it's not even consequential it's trivial but it is you owe me dollars what i just where what i feel like if you paid for it and she was gonna pay you back she's a thief she's a thief you dated a fucking burglar no wonder you broke up with his cat burglar uh i saw a girlfriend that owes me 500 bucks is that true yeah and i think i might collect it a debt collector i really think i'm gonna send someone to collect my dad enforce her i think she's gonna get thrown in debtor's prison for what she did to me is that true yeah 500 dollars 500 dollars how did that happen um

well i don't want to make it seem like i'm thinking about it too much or i also i'm also trying to give the minimum amount of information so none of my exes can uh because they all they all owe me a good good good amount of money well i mean it was a very long time ago um so that gives you that now you know who uh-huh and uh she was just living with me in new york and we were like i'll pay rent and i was like okay yeah that's great and then she never did and i felt uncomfortable bringing it up sure and then uh but like it was discussed before it happened that like of like the amount of money that she would pay yeah because and it just never never ponied up the cash you want slash need that money now well i don't need it now because now i'm fucking rich but like

yeah for sure yeah why why am i rich why what happened what do you mean how did you get into come into all this money i guess though what my dad gave me a lot of money okay my dad's dad had your money my mom's dad had money my family comes from old money you know i don't know so i'm like trickle down yeah so i get to do whatever i want i have a little web show the podcast make a little scrilla on a live tour but what though my real my real you know my real nest egg is um my father's money yeah she deposits into my bank account on a on a on a very regular basis i would call it i have some people might call it irregular the the regularity that it's that it's put in there would be irregular for a lot of people you know because it's it's that predictable it's a lot

it's very reliable it's a lot and it's often it's as much as two three transfers a day sometimes oh my god if i'm demanding you asshole yeah how dare you i love you dad you're of course you love for what you do you selfish loser yeah he actually sells nest eggs and then he makes enough money to give me a nest egg that's great it's been really really nice but yeah um so uh try to get money back from her i feel like it's not gonna happen the but what you have to do is cut your losses you'll you'll eat the money if you can get her out of there right but maybe you should offer to uh double what she pays like you

know what i'll pay for the food just get her out of here this is fucking insane you guys i think you have to have a conversation with your friends we'll just let her stay for free yeah hey uh this is not what the condo is about guys we all agreed to get a ski condo because uh it was gonna be a fun thing for everyone and now it's not fun for me i feel like i'm skiing you know skiing ski out whatever doing you're doing our little apres ski and then i i get home and this this little wench is still on the couch i'm sure she bought the burgers yeah yeah it's nice that she she bought the she bought some salads and and i like i like the juice but i'll pay we should all be paid with shipping in for groceries that's what we discuss it's cheap it's socialism that's why i broke

up with her first she's she's hogging the couch oh hey guys what are you what are you guys talking about oh um hey baby or uh get out of my couch okay she's i'll be downstairs if you need me christ face is supposed to be communal all right cheers cheers if anyone needs me i'll be watching cheers i'll be on the buddy slope fuck this uh yeah get her out of there and your money's gone talk to your friends this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because

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done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable that's better help help.com slash if i were you check them out thanks better help thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 seven live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example i didn't even look this

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um all right third question yeah question the third question the third we need a name seabiscuit okay so today's theme is super heroes in a horse names there we go or toby McGuire in tomy McGuire films yeah well see see yeah all right all right i don't remember his name in every one of his movies i thought see biscuit was dude i thought see biscuit was that fucking uh elfish looking guy it's actually see biscuits monsters the name of the horse what it's a frankenstein joke frankenstein's not really his name it's frankenstein's monster the doctor's name was frankenstein wow so to like make a metaphor it's like oh see biscuit wasn't the name of the horse see biscuits monster was what's the joke there i say okay i think you just start cracking up

oh that is oh tell all my friends so so so so so so so so so you guys see every uh toby McGuire movie like i have what's the one about the horse what's the one about the horse see see biscuit that was the horse's name what was the horse's name see biscuits monster what are you talking about frankenstein get out of my condo i bought the food i bought the food all right see biscuit writes so in school today i got a kick message from someone named jen roberts i asked if she goes to school with me and she says she lives in cali is 22 and female i'm a bit scared so i say fuck off and she immediately replies fuck me question mark smiley face i don't know what to

say now i've blocked her but i don't know what to do i'm 13 years old help me help me oh no buddy unfortunately see biscuit this jen roberts character is uh she's out to fuck you unfortunately yeah she's uh she's heard about that 13 year old dick and she's coming for yeah she says she's got a vendetta or something like that she's hell bent on getting to you should have never said fuck off no that was an opening there is a 22 year old female from california jen roberts jen roberts you are you're done dude i get it hiding in your locker right now unfortunately that's what you asked for when you when you accepted her kick message is kick message even younger and cooler than snapchat we're now two generations removed

we've had no idea what kick is right but i bet teenagers that you snapchat are like that's what that's what they're like how i feel about snapchat they feel about kick messages right they're like kick messages for like young kids oh man but porno bots have already gotten to it it's jen roberts um i love those dudes like you've already done everything you thought like i've blocked her but uh what if she knows who i am where i live and she demands to fuck me help me talking about you blocked her also if it's true you don't need help that would be the greatest thing in the world 22 year old coming to fuck you as a 13 year old yeah that's pretty perfect that's ideal knock at the door it's jen roberts i feel like we should not be telling 13 year olds

to fuck 22 year olds it's like it's super cool when it's a when it's a dude fucking a 22 year old chick but the other way around it's illegal how is that fair i think it's well it's illegal both okay good so one way we think it's hot all right then so it's not illegal it's just bad 14 year old dudes that wanted to fuck like 25 year olds uh i probably didn't think about fucking 25 year olds me either good you never masturbated when you were 13 yeah but it was like tekeli kopowski she's not 25 she was like 18 oh all right i remember the first uh wet dream i had i loved where to talk about this it was with that black girl from uh head of the class if you ever seen that show i think her name was robin gibbons i don't think i have seen that show yeah it was in a

jacuzzi did you also think that your first wet dream was you peeing in your pants no you know because i never had i didn't have a wet dream until after we had like learned about them oh interesting so like i i discovered jerking off and the first time i think that's what it is i didn't jerk off oh so your first wet dream was like was like what my first ejaculatory experience nocturnal admission yeah yeah yeah i remember i used to i used to masturbate um to like playboy.com's website with like or i print one just the articles just as there's like one picture of a girl's boobs and that was like all my my computer could handle loading that's all your that's all your brain can handle but i was i would like touch my penis and it felt good but i didn't know anything else was

supposed to happen until one night it was like really tingly and i was like what's going on but i like and i was like i'm gonna keep on going and it didn't and then i like so you you discovered masturbating i yeah i figured it out it was like playing with my dick hard feels nice and i would just do that sometimes looking at boobs wow and then one day it came out like i came and i was like oh no oh no it's broken i i ran to the bathroom it was like didn't notice all over my box it was like it's just mom i don't mean to alert you but there's a glaze or a fucking cream and it's not what if it doesn't stop it's basically honey coming out of my penis is that fun for anyone only it tastes like freaking coconut water uh help i guess what the fuck is going on

i think i'd heard about masturbating at school so like when i came i was like you heard about masturbating at school i yeah i knew what masturbating was i knew that like touching my dick was masturbating but it's this is what grade sixth grade seventh grade yeah this is like sixth grade sixth yeah but this is like one of those things where you think you're doing something right and then you like then you actually come then you like you like do it really right you're like oh that's what it's always been about i've been uh wasting my time for the last like month you know you've been doing it wrong yeah i've just been i've just been touching my penis which was cool oh wait so how did you come you just touched your penis well no i would i would

rub it yeah i would rub it i would yeah i like went through the masturbating motions but like i didn't know there was i did not know that there was like oh an end result right i did not know about orgasms and i don't think they really tell you about that when they're talking about masturbating they're like well maybe they do now but i remember learning about masturbating it's like it's touching yourself it's rubbing yourself and then and like to what to what means sir to what end why why why why why grab why rub why touch sir if i may be so bold oh no i get it i'll do this forever it's funny that like that i feel like i don't like any of the same things i did it when i was 13 except for masturbating and what maybe jackass and oh and my parents

love my mama and oh no i'm not even saying it i'd like to hear where the joke is headed at least no i was gonna say that first thing and then i was gonna say and i also love the other thing we've been talking about mom you're a queen and i so you should be treated even though you never get the loving that you needed you so your first you had a wet dream about the black girl from head in the head of the class yeah it was like a pool party and you had it's funny because my first wet dream was also in a pool really yeah what was it um i i had it was zack oh i'm saved by the bell mark paul mark paul gosselin shirtless and kelly kafowski and they were both in there and there was a threesome with zack and kelly they were talking to me and they were like

which you like they're like you get to have sex with one of us and i was like uh tippany amber these then i choose you and then uh zack went no and swirled down the drain as i turned away and i had sex with tippany amber these but since then all my wet dreams were like it was zack telling you to decide between him and a girl they were never ever good they're always like some sort of like humiliating like um oh i'm gonna put my dick in a fence and see if it feels good and i would wake up and i'd like had an orgasm i never had like good sex dreams yeah you should like learn how to do lucid dreaming that you could fuck whoever you want your dreams i do i do lucid dream but i don't come from i fuck all the time in my dreams but never like it is pretty crazy to like you can't

imagine me just sitting here and using my brain to masturbate but when you're having a wet dream it's you basically lying flat on your back and then like your eyes are fucking trembling and all of a sudden you start coming just their face is the ability yeah are you are you doing an orgasm face you must i don't know there should be videos of people having a wet dream it must be the most amazing thing are you do you are you sure you're not like on your side with your dick like against the oh and then you're humming and you're like sort of like humping because i mean when you're in your i feel like you're probably touching yourself are you humping the sheets oh interesting or maybe no because you could be on your back yeah if are you on your i just want to see a time lapse video

of a guy having a wet dream someone make one he's lying on his back then dick just becomes fully erect starts ejaculating and then it calms down and the guy is just asleep the entire time but sometimes people like laugh in their sleep sometimes people like scream yeah they like insult it away so you must just be tugging tugging on your shit in your sleep i don't know where did this start from uh 13 year old oh yeah um you've blocked her good that's all you need to do don't answer sex bots um yeah oh do you remember what we were doing in the in the rv i was on tinder and i got matched with like somebody trying to like you you know scam you into going onto a cam site yeah and uh we were writing messages like oh yeah uh she's like go you have to like

log on to this site and i was like i can't figure it out can i just give you my bank she's like no i really need you to do it like oh shit please i can give you my social security number if that helps i'm so horny for you uh this is amazingly perfect time i i just thought of a great story and you don't even know the ending of it uh it's the billboard story oh shit so uh we went rock climbing with jake and one of jake's friends and he's like yeah one of my buddies has like a fire sale on billboards right now you can get this billboard in a great location instead of for like several thousand dollars for several hundred dollars and so i told jake like oh we should just do that and like put our podcast face it like art up there and uh jake's like all right

give me the guy's email and we emailed him and he's like and he was emailing with us and it seemed like such a scam because he's like i really gotta know the answer in the next 10 minutes if you're gonna do it or not and i'm like are you just gonna like take my money and not put up a billboard like billboards are very expensive and then i'm like is there a contract and he said no but you just gotta let me know and send me the artwork i'm like all right if this is a scam i'm like do i have to pay you right now and he's like no i'm like okay so i'll send you the artwork if you put the billboard up i'll pay you several hundred dollars i mean we have sponsors on the show and that's one of the things that we use the money on is stupid endeavors like this we can call it a

marketing budget stop ordering slug books now um so i sent him artwork and he's like this is great i'm like all right sure just let me know when the billboard's up dude i still have my identity sir did you steal is this what is going on it's a scam where you don't ask me for money either way our billboard was supposed to go up this week on a very like where was it like highland and Santa Monica which is like great location it's a huge billboard and uh i didn't ever think it was going to happen but as we were talking me and jake right now i got a text message from Todd our friend Todd Strauss shulson and said is this you and look at this picture oh my god yes that's insane we just found out that our billboard is up it's up oh my god this is so fucking funny

it's above a subway so if you guys live in LA and uh you're around highland and Santa Monica please check out our billboard and this is so funny and don't ever say that we don't use our sponsor money in a fun exciting unique way because yeah we should do something for people who like uh upload these photos somewhere are you a little bit embarrassed now that it's up it's just us it's a picture of us on a billboard well at least it's a drawing yeah it's not like a it's our i guess the embarrassing thing is that we bought it ourselves and put our faces on it this is such a really fun thing to do we have to pay them now we haven't paid them yet we owe them money this is insane it's crazy everyone that i talk you want up it's cost 300 fucking dollars it's gonna be anything it could just

be a picture of like a straight up photo of me and just say find me on tinder that's what i want to do next swipe right until you this is insane this is a big billboard we got to put this picture up should we put it yeah we got an instagram or something yeah we should go we should go visit it we should go visit the billboard and we i feel like um yeah can you imagine just Todd walking by like what the fuck is this you this is so cool if you live in LA send us a picture of you of you in the billboard please everybody i spoke to was like don't give this some don't give this person money billboards don't work this way it's a scam there's no way it's this cheap there's no way they're gonna let you do it our billboard is up we have a billboard it says if i were you a weekly advice

podcast hashtag toadah this is so funny all right great great timing it's funny that we found out about during the show wow all right time for one last question let's do it all right we need one last tobey maguire or tobey maguire movie oh shit um i the ciderhouse rules right oh perfect uh i'm a hello i'm a big fan i'm a cool fan too but not according to the newest app that's sweeping the nation hot or not i competed against my friends and i got the score of 6.89 after almost 200 people saw my profile i went in a competition against my friends and they all got scores like seven points something eight points something one got even close to a nine now i feel like a loser out of my friends even though clearly i'm the best looking out of them all

my question is if you have hot or not what can i do to spice up my profile so that people will actually see that i'm hotter than my friends i'm blonde with blue eyes my question is should i upload a pic of me playing soccer so that people know i'm a beast in that regard or should i upload a pic of me in my speedo playful so people know that i'm a beast in other regards sporty versus study thanks as always for the advice love ciderhouse rules sporty versus study what the fuck is he talking about like he's a stud or like he should be studying oh my god this is so funny this guy's so insecure this app is a lie i mean it's possible i have blonde hair i have blonde hair to for me to get a six and a friend of mine getting an eight point close to nine for what he's he's a brown

hair too oh he's ugly and i'm hot this guy's arian i think he's a risa neo nazi you are he equates blonde hair and blue eyes is being more attractive carte blanche without any more details i cannot believe the the lack of self-awareness in this email it's insane it's so it's so insane i can't i don't even i can't even start to make fun of him i don't know where to start the email itself is so funny uh when you when you put your face on hot or not there's always that fear that you're gonna be not unattractive that they'll call you not yeah also how is hot or not a new app that's sweeping the nation yeah that was hot or not it's been around forever i remember hot or not when i was like 17 that was like in like the early 2000s now it's trying to reinvent itself maybe

it's an app i guess interesting it's pretty crazy that hot or not has lasted this long it's true it's just such a good donate domain name yeah i think you're ugly on the inside bud that's maybe your biggest problem personality or not dot com i would give your uh yeah your personality uh definitely lower than a six something i'd give it a not i'd give it i think your personality is a not i uh maybe people see that on the app yeah people can look through your blonde hair your fair skin your blue eyes all the way into your black black soul blue eyes and find your black soul absolutely i think that is correct you're black-hearted bad-hearted or maybe it's because you're not in a speedo in your profile pic i think soccer is the way to go actually pal sporty versus study

we choose sporty yes playful should i upload a pic of me at a speedo playful i guess playful sure try uploading different pictures uh mercy you also should like not i don't know you don't judge yourself against your friends like try to figure out who's who's the hottest one of all of our friends oh good question the hottest person that we're friends with in our inner friend group yeah like the hottest guy that we are friends with i don't know is it you i i want you to say that trying to think if i have a friend that's more attractive than you this would be this is like really really nice i was not expecting this to happen it's i feel like anyone listening they're just like i they heard me ask the question and

i started pointing it myself yeah i don't know who do you think is our most attractive friend or who would get the highest rating on hot or not i mean there's like attractive acquaintances that we have that are like actors or uh comedians that are really good-looking my hottest friend is jaco donnell uh yeah he's a good-looking guy but i wouldn't say he's objectively more handsome than you that's yeah right i'm serious dude seriously the way you look you're i think you're hot man i think you're a sexy motherfucker actually what would you rate me and eat something that's not that high you're you're fake building me up but that's still a b-minus all right hey i'm serious what would you rate me a nine a nine a nine a nine a nine point

what nine point five thank you that made me feel good we are we are a small shallow petty people we're worse than this guy because we're just rating each other high to be so you'll rate the other one you're a nine point five am i a nine point five i guess you're nine point six oh then you're a nine point seven my friend very good you're sexy nine point six um what what can you do i don't know change your profile picture that's all you can do and we do that on tinder you know like hey i'm not gonna use many matches i want like let's change the change your profile picture i will say a lot of the times i feel like when people are like this is the most attractive photo of you it is not one that i expect i think people have it in their mind like when they look their best

yeah my friend shon gave me some good advice which is like whenever choosing your profile picture for a dating site or i guess a hot or not type site uh just ask a girl because they are inherently uh in tune to what's attractive it's true a lot of times like when i used to have um friends with girlfriends or like girlfriends over i would be like will you pick out like what shirt i should wear right and it was they always picked out a shirt that i was like this is the ugliest thing i owned and then you get a bunch of compliments yeah it's it's like why people dress better when they're in relationships right because somebody else is making the decision for you yeah that's what's up baby also change your attitude that's yeah we were just we got swept into pictures of making

yourself look like we accidentally got shallow too buddy you drew you fucking pushed us down like that first boyfriend you dragged us down with with you how's that okay now we're under the seat together you're trying a little voice text there um all right that's it we're done the end game over uh thanks so much for listening everybody that first theme song we still are accepting theme song submissions they're getting better if you can imagine uh that first one is written by alex and this last one is a parody of that song that you love what's it called beggar in the morning oh yeah dope yeah yeah by the bar brothers this one's written by alex vasquez i'm a beggar in the morning so if you want to do uh your own theme song or have your own questions email us at if i were

you show at gmail get ready writing this down dot you had to cough i had you had to cough i really did i had to tickle in my throat dot com all right and we'll be back i don't know in a couple days sure why not later we still like the podcast i mean we have a billboard we might as well keep it going now we can't just stop what else would we be advertising uh cool see you guys you that's it that's our episode thanks again to squarespace please if you need to create a website an online portfolio blog or a store go to squarespace.com and use our coupon code beast to create your very own site thanks guys