If I Were You - 551: God Mode

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

In this episode we discuss raising children, playing ping pong, and paying it backwards. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. I think you'll notice when I need some help, I suck. How do I become a pin black? Since you didn't get nice and less becomes more when it's just one moment. I swim in your waters like a true cube crustacean. The way that you left me is alright, it's alright if I argue. The point that we have and we fight. Don't worry, they'll buy you the show.

Tonight, when Jake and Amir will set me right, they'll set me right. Tell me, is that an original or a cover? The theme song is based on Clear Voyant by The Story So Far, a very good song that I tried to fill with if I were you jokes. This is my second theme song submission, right, Kyler, as last summer you guys featured my April Come She Will cover. Oh, very nice, I love April Come She Will. Her promo, my singing skills haven't improved, but I'm still podcasting. I run the History Podcast, Death of the Roman Republic, which has recently been reviewing the old HBO series, Rome, with my friends. Which I actually watched and urged you to watch, I thought you would enjoy it, but I guess you never did.

Oh yeah, wait, I will watch it, what's it called? Rome. It's on HBO? Yeah, it was on HBO in the early 2000s. Okay, now I'm going to permission to take my phone out and email myself to watch Rome. Yeah, I mean sure, you should be able to remember just because it was really quick. Why are you so slow? R.

What? R. O. O. N. E. And ascend. Go home.

You're going to do a plane crash, right? What a fucking waste. He never got to watch Rome. It's on Apple Podcast, so it's D-O-T-R-R pod on Twitter. Thank you to Kyler for sending us that theme song and for reminding you to watch Rome. Yeah. I told you to watch it. Didn't really mean much until Kyler mentioned it though, right?

My tendonitis. You hit my tendon. Is it feeling any better or just sort of status quo? It's feeling significantly better from the time when I was doing absolutely nothing for it. So the brace makes it so it doesn't hurt at all. Yeah. Because I can't do the painful motion. Every once in a while, I'll remove the brace and test her out.

And it's a little trouble. Yeah, it's a lot less significant than it was, but it's still around. But you know, I went like, I went swimming this morning. Oh wow. Nice little low impact exercise. That's good. With the brace. I removed the brace and the waterproof.

No. Yeah, you wouldn't want to take this bad boy in the water. Nor should you. It's hardly fucking skin proof. I mean, it's falling apart and it smells nasty. It's only been like three days. Does that mean you didn't go surfing? I was going to go surfing this morning with Jeff, but he bailed on me because the waves were too big.

So when do you get that text? That's like, by the way, waves are too big. I'm going back to sleep. Oh, he texted me that yesterday afternoon. Oh, they know that? Yeah. He's very reliable when it comes to surfing. Like when he says he's going to pick me up at 6 AM, he's there at 6 AM.

Wow. Yeah. But today, no go. Yeah. We were going to go for a sunset surf on Monday. Yeah. But waves were too big. Too big.

Canceled. Yeah. Then we're going to go this morning. Yeah. Too big. Waves are too big. And then how big is too big? Like 10 feet?

No. Four to six feet. Four is too big. So you're looking for that one, two or three feet? No, I think four is, I think if the surf report said three to four, I'd be excited. That's good. Interesting. So yesterday, if that wave is going to be four, five or six feet, or it's kind of a

guesstimate. It's kind of a guesstimate. It's like, and that's, and even then there's still so many variables that's like maybe a five foot wave that's like a nice, slow rolling wave or like a nice big sandbar, you know, shoulder height, water all the way in, that'd be great. Right. But then there's like, sometimes there's two foot waves on a beach break that are just like crashing right on the shore.

So you can't really surf that. That's why I'll never surf because I don't trust Poseidon, the God of the sea to treat me with the reverence and respect that I need. For sure. I need a surface that will never change. Right. So I will play. I need a surface that looks common ready.

Because on the surface, I look common ready. Exactly. To drop bombs. So I'll do table tennis. Yeah. You'll never see like, by the way, watch out. This table tennis is super sharp. Right.

Today. Yeah. No, yeah. There's no variable. There's no God that controls table tennis. Nor should there be. Right. Because it's a game.

You could become the way that Poseidon is the God of the sea and Zeus, the God of thunder. Yeah. You. Yeah. You could be the God of table tennis. You imagine that. Shmuel, the God of table tennis. And what would I control?

Because I feel like the top spin, the fact that sometimes the ball will nick the net and dribble over. Yeah. Sometimes it'll hit the net and dribble back. Oh, interesting. You know? I think that's usually. God.

That seems like it's usually reliant on how hard you hit the ball and where. That's the type of shit that you would know as the God of table tennis. Huh. Okay. That's really cool. I'm beginning to feel like a whack God. Whack God. Yeah.

Yeah. But not like whack in a way that's bad. Right. Whack is just like. You call it a thwack God. That's pretty good. Yeah. Although if I could just choose what to be a God of, I feel like I.

You can't. You can't. Because I don't necessarily like ping pong that much. I feel like can I do it for something else? For what? I don't know. Fucking. Basketball.

No way. You could do it for Mazda. What? I feel like. A Japanese car company is going to hire me to be their God. You could be the Mazda God. Mazda God. Yeah.

A Zimzim. A Mazda God. So I'm in charge of how fast these cars go. They're pretty normal. Exactly. Throw in Toyota. I want to choose which Camry. I'm not going to give you Toyota because they make, they make the trucks.

They make the Tundra. They make the Ford. I feel like this rugged auto appeals is not really something. I give you Hyundai. It's not bad. So I get to choose which car. And I give you Daewoo. Which one's Daewoo?

Daewoo's Japanese car brand. Can you imagine me rolling up in a Leganza and people are making fun of me obviously because it's kind of falling apart and then they say, you wouldn't be yelling mean things at me if you knew that I was actually the Daewoo God. Yeah, exactly. I'll take it. No, other hand. That actually did hurt.

Sorry about that. It wasn't your fault. I twisted my hand to make it touch you. I don't know why I did that. All right. This is if I were you. The only advice pod on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake and I have tendonitis. And you can see it. We're shooting this. We're back in the studio together. So we're, it's another classic studio app. You can watch it on our YouTube channel. Wrist brace activated. I'm the tendonitis God.

What if they wanted to put you in a cast? Would you do that? Or would you say it's not worth it? It's not worth it. Got it. Would they suggest a cast or it's not even that kind of problem? It's not that kind of problem. Understood.

Yeah. Okay. This is a guy who's wondering if it's too late to change something about himself. All right. Let's find out. Hey guys. We'll call him Daniel Radcliffe. Cool.

Is it too late to change my handwriting? Everything about it is off. I hold my pencil wrong. It ends up hurting my hand. I write in a weird semi-cursive way. So my pen rarely lifts it from the paper, but I am writing print. My writing ends up looking rough and gross, actually. I'm starting a new school program soon and would like to look back on my notes and think

this is nice instead of what child stole my notebook. I'll use advice on how to change something about yourself that you've been doing since you were a young child. I'm 25 years old. Thanks. I'm floored that you care about your handwriting. Yeah. It doesn't come up a lot.

Everything is digital. Yeah. It's worth it. High schoolers probably just type notes, right, or do they still require you to write it just because that's how you learn? I don't know. That seems kind of crazy. I think if I were sending a high school aged kid to school, I would probably, as a parent,

sitting on the PTA, be like they should be allowed to type their notes because that's a much more relevant skill set to develop. It's also like, I bet parents are like, no, you have so much more tactile learning when you're actually writing shit down, you learn it better, more true or something. Yeah. Then I would be like, yes, and that's why your kid will be slower than mine because they will be a typing speed demon. He has a gun.

I am the god of Tengenitis. Okay. He can use an iPad. Please. Well, this actually gives me an idea, which is there should be, we went to elementary school 30 years ago, we learned this shit, but we don't really use it anymore. There should be an elementary school every 30 years. I should be able to go back and learn algebra.

I will never. Definitely forgot. I mean, we forgot it all, basically. The rare instances where you actually have to write something down, do you find that it's pretty hard? Yeah, pretty hard. Yeah. It's weird.

It feels weird. It looks weird. I'm also bad at spelling when I'm writing stuff because I'm getting ahead of myself. You want to type it and there's so much autocorrect that like, I mean, in elementary school or junior high, we used to write full essays by hand. I haven't written a full page of paper probably in 25 years, which I think actually made for much worse essays because it's actually great to be able to read what you wrote, realize that something is repetitive or something's dumb or it needs a setup line or whatever and

then like make edits. So you're not nostalgic for that time, like, oh, I wish we'd do that again. No. No, I'm actually not. Interesting. If you seem to be like, you would be like, oh, I wish we would go back to that way. Everything's too digitalized. Yeah.

I mean, no, I like, I don't know, a handwritten note or something, but it doesn't, there's not really, I also don't like clutter. So I do like to throw things away. So I'm not, I'm not necessarily like into handwriting notes. History is another thing we don't really like. We learned, I learned US history in 11th grade. Okay. I forgot the fucking details in the last 25 years.

Yeah. And my old age, I've like gotten into history again. So you, yeah, I guess there's documentaries and stuff that adults do. Yeah. And I started buying history books. Really? Just like a textbook? Yeah.

I also bought a Kindle recently. Interesting. But yeah, I bought a, I bought like, I was reading like, you know, all the history books that you're supposed to buy. And I found one that is just like, that truly starts at the beginning of, starts at like, yeah, like 70,000 years ago, when like the people first left, like the cradle of civilization and kind of spread out across the world. Like Lord George Washington's shit.

No, that was, that was like 300 years ago. And now I'm saying like, you know, all that shit, like fucking. Well, right now I'm sort of learning how people came to inhabit like the kite, the Samoan islands. And the key. Yeah. I'm saying you could before that. Yeah.

Wait before that. This is like Columbus sailed the ocean. Like 20,000 BC. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like Jesus was a fucking. Not even 20,000 years ago.

It wasn't even a God yet. No. It was just a dude. No, not a dude. Not born. People's like skulls were just changing. I see. It's like way, way, way like Hunter Galileo level.

Not Galileo, who came after, after Jesus. Really? Yeah. But like fucking like the, the, the Hasmoneans fucking, yeah, like Greek fighters of 2000 BC level. Shit. No. This was like pre-civilization.

Yeah. Do you have a cold? I think I do. So I fly, fly into your nose. It's laying eggs in your brain. I'm learning. That's how it works. So anyway, that's my TV show pitch idea is a new high school catered to 40 year olds.

You're learning. It's a TV show? Yeah. TV show. Interesting. So it's like, we're not actually going to do this. Right. Obviously it's kind of insane, but.

Yeah. High school too. Yeah. Where every 18 years you go back to high school to learn the shit that you did. Oh, okay. Billy Madison meets. Right. Clone High.

Yeah. It's kind of interesting as a TV show. I mean, no one would go for it because it's a little like. High concept. Yeah. High concept, but low brow. Like one note, a little to one note. Yeah.

Sort of say by the bell, the new class wherein the kids are now in their 40s. Right. Only like Zach Morris is a dad. What was the question? The what? How to change your handwriting? Oh, I don't fucking know. Take a calligraphy class or some shit.

There is. Yeah. But that's what you could learn in high school too. Yeah. Calligraphy. Yeah. This guy could be a producer on the show. Yes.

Grammar rules. You remember grammar rules? I don't remember any of those rules. Yeah. I remember. I remember. Oh, I don't know that. Yeah.

But yeah, I remember. I remember the grammar. What other classes were there? There was history. Chemistry is kind of. Chemistry. Biology. Yeah.

English. Yeah. You do. The weird thing about, I was talking to Jill recently about the idea of homework. I thought you guys. Yeah. No, we're trying to work it out. Well, I'm trying to work it out.

She's not interested in seeing a talking to me. Wow. Wow. She doesn't return my calls or my texts. She doesn't answer my messages or my emails. I reached out to a dad. I reached out to a mom. I'll tell you the system.

The yield blocked me. Yeah. But one of the last conversations we had. I think the saddest thing we've ever done in 580, whatever episodes. What? The song. I hummed it too. It was awful.

It was bad, but it was also sad. I'm working on it. Yeah. But yeah, we were talking about homework and like you would wake up for school at seven. Yeah. All day. Afterward, you do like, you know, you do a sport, you go to practice. You come home, you have to eat dinner with the family.

Sure. And then it's homework. Homework. That is just a full, it's, that's such, it's so much time. Or reading. Yeah. Read the next two chapters. Like I have to fucking do this math worksheet and then I have to read a history textbook.

Right. And reading the history, that was actually the one that I brought up. It's like, you know, you're filling out a math worksheet. You're, you're answering like a, you know, vocab quiz. Yeah. So in history, it's just like, read 40 pages of dense. Of a boring ass book. You're 16.

You can play Madden or you can read about the XYZ affair. Yeah. God, I really, I literally never did homework. Really? I never did it. You show up on the day, everyone's handing in and they're like, Jake, your homework? Yeah. I would, I wasn't even, I was not even, I didn't even have enough like fucking drive to copy

the other bad students. Oh, I see. I would just not have it. You wouldn't have it. I would just be like, oh, I don't have it. And would your parents be like, did you do your homework today? Yeah. And I'd be like, yes.

And they'd be like, let me see it. And I would like show them an old draft. Right. And they had six kids. They can't look. They can't keep track. Yeah. They've got eyes on the homework.

Yeah. But I was such a bad kid. Now that my, now that my friends are having children and seeing how hard it is to have two. Yeah. The fact that your parents had six should be illegal, I think. Yeah. That's a possible way they could have done anything but feed you and clothe you.

That's a full-time job for both of them. Yeah. Non-stop. Yeah. Absolutely non-stop. I'm constantly picking your schedules. Just giving six people three meals a day for 20 years in a row. Yeah.

Impossible. It's really, so it would take three hours to create, feed and clean. And then you have to do it again for lunch and do it again for dinner. And then you go to bed. How could you possibly have any time to do anything else? Yeah. I mean, to have a 10 year old and an infant at the same time. Impossible.

With, you know, four-year-olds and six-year-olds in between. Yeah. Just absolutely, absolutely bonkers. They must have been so sleep deprived. But then your dad would also go to work and your mom had a job too? No. My mom was a full-time mom. Yeah.

She could not have done anything else. No. It must have been very stressful, I bet. She became a teacher when Micah was, when everybody else had gone to college, Micah was in high school. Yeah. Then she's like, I'm going to go back to work. Yeah.

If I was your mom, I'd be like, I'm never doing anything ever again. Right. I'm not. I'm like, Micah's 18. Yeah. I'm never cleaning a fucking dish. She should have had like a four, she should have like gotten cash when all of us, when all of us went to college, when Micah turned 18 and we all survived, she should have gotten

to pay it. She should have given, you should have all been paying her $1,000 a month for the rest of your life. Yeah. That's actually true. I owe my mom cash for it. Yeah. Have you ever paid like for a drink for your mom or like a ticket or a meal or anything

like that? I wonder. No, but I'm thinking, I'm considering. Getting her like a watch. Yeah. I might get her a fucking Garmin. I'm really about to pull the trigger on. I'd be like, don't talk, mom, mom.

I use my phone for a ways and stuff. I can get you a Fitbit fucking corporate holiday gift for my mom. Yeah. For two decades. I got one from IAC in 2013. And if you still have a micro USB, the charger doesn't exist anymore. But thanks for the whole feeding me every meal and taking me anywhere. You installed the software with the CD.

Mom. Oh, dad, I got you a hat. Choking on spaghetti that she made you. I got you a fucking hat. I got you a hat. It's a visor. Your mom giving you a high. I'm like, holy shit, I almost just died again.

I do remember. Like so many of us almost died. I remember. Of course. Six of them. I remember like just hanging out in the dining room one day, everyone's eating and all of a sudden Micah starts choking. My dad just like jumped over a chair.

Smacking. Smacked him on the back till he threw up. Rachel also choked one time on wadded up toilet paper that she put in her mouth. Yeah. Micah wandered into the street, almost got hit by a car. Sure. It seems like that's going to happen a lot. It should happen a lot more, like babies are fucking shoving full pieces of bread in their

mouth. Actively trying to die for sure. Yeah, jumping into trap. They don't know pain yet, so they don't get the consequences of life. Yeah. To have that time six feels like impossible. Right. Anyway, shout out to this guy who I guess should take a fucking handwriting class.

I'm sure there's TikToks about it or some shit. Yeah. What do you want from me? Let's take a break. Okay. Now I'm all like mad. Yeah. It's not even your fault.

You started mad, I think. I was pissed off at the day. Yeah. We'll be back soon, guys. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress.

Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two-minute honestly like BuzzFeed Lite quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade.

Excuse me. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God.

Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Come on. Yes.

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So I should fire you. That's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know

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and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good.

Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit. I'm coming. I do.

I do. You actually, you have to let this audio clip have time to breathe. You said like we're going to take a break because you're in a bad mood. Nothing changed. We came right back in your piss and I took an hour. You took a walk. I was in the bathroom for an hour beating up the fucking Dyson. I took a bath to the air dryer.

All right. Go. You told me not to say this one week. Really? Yeah. Because it was bad advice or? We were recording and we're like, do you have any unsolicited advice or should we answer more questions because we hadn't got to it into a bunch and I said what I was thinking

and you said, yeah, let's just let's just do it. Yeah, not do it. It doesn't count. Yeah. Because it's quote just unsubscribing from emails. I see. And that's what it is. Because I insist that this is actually really good advice because it has improved my life

dramatically. Whoa. Dramatically. Dramatically. I was getting, I think like 20 to 30 emails of just like random listservs that you end up on from buying stuff online and yeah, that creates, even though I would just wake up in the morning and archive them, it just creates a behavior of like picking up your phone or you like get a J crew sale alert on your phone.

I want to like, I see an alert, I open it and then I look at my phone for other stuff. It's that pattern. It's a gateway. Yeah. So and I think for me not having notifications is very healthy. Can you get truly down to zero or is it a few always sneak through? I mean, I guess maybe a very few will sneak through but I'm basically at zero. So you wake up and there's no email in your inbox.

Not one that's not, only ones that are relevant. Only ones from real people or things that I want to hear like newsletters or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I wake up and it's just normal emails now. I wonder if there's, is there like Google Chrome Gmail extensions that do it or you have to actually go in.

You really have to do it. There's sometimes you can like click on subscribe on the top of an email because like Google knows that it's a, you know, if it's a listserv. But a lot of these places make it really hard. You have to like click through to see the whole message. Then you scroll down and then the unsubscribe button is actually a link. The promotion tab. Yeah.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yeah. We're sad to see you go. Not hyperlinked. It's made the same size. What's the reason that you're leaving and you say too much email? You know the reason. You have to.

You have to know the reason. But it's worth it. At the end of the day, you get no emails and it's actually really beautiful. The light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah. You get a time when you don't, like if we retire in whenever, if we just won't get any emails. Yeah.

Full days will go by. This advice is very specific to me because one of my problems is that I get too many emails. That doesn't happen to everybody. You're also hyper focused on inbox zero. Like I have like dozens and dozens of emails. And so like a few random spams is just adding to the list for you like to go from two to four is a big deal.

Yeah. I treat my inbox like my to-do list. Yeah. You punt it, get rid of it. Yeah. Yeah. And so less spam emails, like less things in your to-do list. Right.

But you do find, I think the inbox zero is not perfect because then I find myself just batting away things and like leaving things that are hard to do just at the bottom. Yeah. Like I have an email to myself which is like work on a pilot idea that I had. Yeah. And that's been there for a month. I have like a gift certificate Jeffrey got me by borderline as a joke to the Cheesecake Factory a year and a half ago just at the bottom of my email.

Because you don't want to forget about that. Right. But at the same time, am I ever going to go to the Cheesecake Factory and use this? No. It'd be fun to take Jeffrey there someday. That'd be cool. I just don't want to see him. I don't want to be with him.

Right. That's the issue. He also got COVID at the Cheesecake Factory so I'm wondering if maybe that was kind of his way of saying he wants you dead. Yeah. Wow. That's a limp finger that you have. This one?

Yeah. Oh yeah. When you do that middle finger that is it's thin, small, wet in a way. It's wiry. It's soggy. Yeah. I have a soggy hand. Do you know this guy?

He's like 5'11 but has a super soggy hand. Oh yeah. We went to High Street together. Yeah. Bog pump. He has bog palm. Okay. Here's a question called just stood up.

Yes. You forwarded it to me this morning. Right. Hey guys. I'm a 26 year old dude and I'm writing this minutes after realizing I've been stood up. Let me set the scene. I matched with this girl on Bumble and started talking to her. The conversation was going well and she gave me her number.

We also followed each other on Insta. After continuing the conversation on text, we agreed to meet for lunch. Cut to the time we agreed to meet, I'm sitting in my vehicle and texting her saying I was at the restaurant and the message was delivered. I give it a few minutes and I ask if we were still meeting up for now and it doesn't say delivered. I become skeptical. I check her Instagram.

I think I'm sounding like Tucker Carlson a little bit. I become skeptical. I check her Instagram and it says the user cannot be found. Why would the Democrats do that? The witch fricking blocked my ass. Suffice it to say, the situation has left me rather confused. Now, why would the Democrats do that? That's peculiar.

We were just talking last night and 12 hours later, she hardcore ghosts me after a seeming enthusiastic about meeting. I'm confident that I didn't screw this up with my words. So my question is, why would the Democrats do that? What would motivate someone to make definitive plans only to block and ghost them? Any words of wisdom you could provide would be helpful. So I can get some closure or at least avoid this happening in the future. Much appreciated.

Love. Tucker. Yeah. Tucker. Great. That's bizarre. Yeah. Why would the Democrats do that?

But that doesn't really hit him up. Why would the Democrats do that? Have you ever been stood up? Probably. I'm trying to think. Stood up. I'm gonna be here. Hey, I'm here.

Where are you? They're gone. That's bizarre. I've been canceled day of. Hey, maybe we should not be far away. Right. That's totally different. Yeah.

Stood up. Truly, I'm gonna be there in a no-show. And then deliver to the not. Yeah. That's some hot things. Yeah. God, now I have to see her. You have to make a finsta.

Oh, you have to make a finsta and find out. I need to know why, especially the blocked thing. It's like delivered to not delivered to like from the blue bubble to the green bubble. She boarded an airplane or something like that. Yeah. I don't think you'll ever get the closure that you want, unless she's just like, you know, a lot of people are just like in their heads about this thing, like, I make plans and then I get too scared and I block them, like, we don't know what's going on in this

other place. Totally. I think it's usually, it's usually the simplest solution and it's not usually about you. Yeah. Like they have other things going on. Yeah. Maybe she realized that you were ugly and she was like, well, I didn't kind of messed up actually.

Yeah. I want to kind of about him. Yeah. Maybe, but maybe she was like, not ugly, but just like she looks at your Instagram again and was like, oh, this guy doesn't look the way that I would want someone to look. Is that okay to say? No. It's actually somehow worse.

Your back peddling was front peddling. And why would the Democrats do that? I think that it's really not you. I'm sure you're hot, but I think that it's at the end of the day, you're never going to find out. And all that you got out of this is a fun stand up story. You can pay it backwards. Interesting.

Is that like where you stand up somebody else just to sort of keep the cycle of vicious behavior alive and well in the ecosystem of Bumble? Yeah. It is a fun idea to have a negative experience that you have. And then you sort of project that into the world. It's kind of like, you know, victims of abuse end up abusing people because that's all they know. Yes.

Do I recommend doing it? Yeah. Get a taste of their own medicine, even if the other person doesn't deserve it. Neither did you. So words of wisdom, we can say that it's not your fault, Robin Williams style. It's not your fault. At the same time, I wonder if he can find out. I think it's not worth it.

It's not worth out of her hole. The thing is, if it happens again, then it should be investigated. But if it doesn't happen again, this is just a one off. This is probably something that'll happen to you once in your life. Just once? Wow. Literally stood up. I don't think that would happen to most people.

Interesting. There's so many dates happening all the time, but yeah, but like a full on ghost, like I'm at the restaurant and they don't show and block you on Instagram. That's an extreme case. You can do the full like, hey, I'm here. Where are you? Do you see me waving? I'm in the red dress.

Yeah. Block. That's the Mickey. Can you see me waving? Right. Maybe this goes to family videos. I ordered us appetizers, Mickey. Come eat the wings before they get too cold, Mickey.

I hope you're ready to tip the server 25% because she's been on top of the margs, Mickey. Can I get you an unsalted margarita, Mickey? No, I can't, Mickey, because I'm not there, Mickey. Block. Break your iPhone, get a new number, get a new SIM. Move out of the country. You're gone forever. And yeah, it was Valentine's Day.

Calling for another neat whiskey at a bar 50 miles away. All right, let's take a break. Come back and answer some more cues after these M's noise. Major marketplace and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap. So Stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates, holy smokes. And for 25 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses. So if one million businesses can trust Stamps.com, certainly you can too.

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Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you

need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. This is a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. She misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app.

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A. Frames.com. Our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames.

There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A. Frames.com. Okay.

Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. We have returned. One last question to rule them all.

This one's from a lady. Love it. A lady love it. We'll call her Lyle love it. Cool. Lyle writes, I've been seeing this really great guy for about a month and a half. He's 20. I'm 18.

That we haven't known each other for very long. The relationship got intense very quickly. We talk basically every day, all day, and I completely trust him. The thing is, I made a huge mistake when I was out drinking with my girlfriends. I kissed some guy. Uh oh. I was really drunk. And I know that's not an excuse, but it still meant nothing to me.

I told the guy I was seeing what happened. Uh oh. Uh, what happened. Thinking I was doing the right thing being truthful. But he says he doesn't think he can trust me again. And he says he needs time to think about what he wants to do. I asked him if we could keep talking just as friends. And we have been.

My question is, what would a girl have to do to regain your trust after this? And is there any chance you'd give a girl another shot after she did this? Thanks so much. How much, like, she says the relationship got intense very quickly. Does that mean like three weeks or does it mean like nine months? Like it seems like they weren't really in a relationship yet. Yeah. They've only known each other for a month and a half, she said, right?

Oh, that's right. A month and a half. Yeah. Six weeks in, it's still gray enough of an area. Yeah. And the fact that he wants to still talk to you as friends, that he doesn't really just want to be your friend. Yeah.

It sounds like he told you what he needed, which is time. He said, I don't know if I can trust you. I need time to think about what I want. Yeah. So and that is really what what it takes. Yeah. It takes a little bit of time. And I think it also takes what you already are feeling, which is guilt.

He sees that this has put you in a painful state of mind. He's like, OK, so maybe I can trust her because it's obviously like it's not something she did casually. Yeah. And she feels so bad, I guess, in retrospect, maybe she shouldn't have mentioned it because it seems like she would never do it again. She feels the guilt and this guy's really upset about it. Personally, I wouldn't have mentioned it.

No, but I also think that's fine that you did. You aired on the side of honesty. Yeah. Now he'll know that it's definitely the noble thing to do. And I think he will he'll come around. And at the end of the day, if you guys stay together for like many years, then one errant kiss in the very beginning of your relationship isn't going to. Yeah, you're also 18.

He's 20. Yeah. It's very young. You could also just gut the whole thing off and start fresh somewhere else. That's cool. You can also pull the old I was fucking with you. Oh, that's good kiss. Four weeks later. Yeah. You thought I was serious. Now that we're just talking as friends, I can tell you as amigos,

I didn't really kiss anyone. I wanted to see how you would handle it. The fact that you were so pissed off at me was such a turn on weird. Oh, it was weird. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Or you can slide on the hall pass laminated index card that you get to kiss the same guy that I made out with. Yeah, you get so that we have.

We've done the same thing. Yeah, on a literal hall pass, but he has to use it within six weeks because after like a month and a half, maybe the relationship is more meaningful. Right. I guess if he got intense and they talk all day every day, six weeks could be a long time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure it's also like the beginning of the relationship

is the most intense part and. Whoa, there was a loud noise outside. Yeah, it was a moth. And you probably have that thought of being like, if you can make out with someone when we're in this like early honeymoon falling in love with each other phase, then like what's to like, why wouldn't you do that? You know, what happens when I'm 22 and you're 19? Yeah, I won't be able to trust you even then, babe.

But that's the thing. All you have to all you can do is keep on doing what you're doing, which is talking and giving him time and space. She could pull two wrongs will make it right situation. Fascinating. That way she sort of muddies up the water. Right. So she gets caught for shoplifting and also makes out with her fucking cousin. And then it's like, this girl's insane.

Yeah, what she did at first was fine. Yeah. And I overreacted. I know that now because now that she's kissing, if you can just go back to kissing guys, but keep it not in the family and no stealing or petty. Yeah, if she carjacks, forget it, if she carjacks, there is no way he's still thinking about the because then she might go to jail. Yeah, but obviously, but probably maybe not because who would believe that like a woman's this 18 year old girl stole my car?

Yeah, you have to believe me. I'm the Mazda God. You don't steal from me. You keyed my Leganza. There's no way you can do that. Oh, my Leganza, you keyed my lasagna. Is there any chance you'd give a girl another shot after she did this? Has a girl ever done this to you? Yeah, definitely. Yes.

And I did give them another shot. And we ended up breaking up two years later. Two years. Yeah. So you still stuck it out. You stuck it out. Did that thing become a thorn in your side? Yeah, I never forgave her for it. Really? And I actually I gave I used that as permission

for me to cheat on her later because so yeah. So yeah, even it was unhealthy and it was toxic. Was this the Hawaiian lady? Yes. Yes. That situation was fraught from the get go. Right. And it was my fault. So, you know, that's the other you guys are young. Maybe you're more mature than I was.

But also, these are these are the mistakes and the mishaps that happen in your late teens and early 20s that make you then ultimately, hopefully, be a better partner to somebody. Well, that's why it might not be this guy. It might not be this guy. But you maybe learned your lesson about cheating that you're going to apply to someone else further down the line, which is what's so exciting about high school, too,

because like everyone's more mature. There's not this backstabbing, weird, infighting, hooking up friend groups. It's just 40 year olds fucking each other and learning math. Yeah. So you're just like learning geometry, but also. Basically, I mean, yeah. And the teachers, do you imagine them being 20 years old or 60? 12.

Fully reversed. What can't we learn from children? That's beautiful. Thank you. Teacher, teacher. I don't understand this fucking, I don't know, social studies problem. The teachers nine. Yeah.

So they don't understand it either. You're 40. Yeah, who would even let this power dynamic play out in such a weird place? I'm going to go back to my bunk because my sciatica is really kicking off. So that's a summer camp, right? Yeah, bunk. Did I mention the principal was a cat? Everything's fucking topsy-turvy.

Us and ABC. Anyway, Bill Lawrence is attached. We just need a showrunner and a joint. We need someone to shepherd us because we're only 40. And I want to get high tonight. We need an eight-year-old showrunner, ideally. Even the show is reverse, reverse cowgirl. Nothing makes sense.

I'm wearing a pants over my arms in the pitch on the zoom. On the day. Having it. And they buy it in the room. They have to. In the Zoom room. Yes, and they're probably getting fired soon anyway. So it won't actually matter.

Yeah. All right. Thank you for writing in these questions. If you have your own questions or theme songs, submit them all to If I Were You Show at gmail.com. The opening theme song, same as the closing one, was written by... Do you remember? No, I do not.

Dan, oh, no, no, that's not right. Claire Voyant, the parody by Kyler. Yes, that's right. With the Rome podcast. Rome. There it is. Full circle. Thanks for watching.

If you're watching, thanks for listening. If you're listening, more of us on our Patreon, patreon.com.j.a. Ja, and of course, we'll be back next Monday. Ciao, everybody. Later. I think you'll notice when I need some advice, like, how do I become a pin black? Since you didn't get nice and less becomes more when it's just one almond. I'm swimming in your waters like a true cube crustacean.

The way that you left me is all right, it's all right. If I argue the point that we have and we fight, don't worry. We'll probably use the show tonight. Come shake out a mirror, set me right, set me right. That was a hit gum original.