If I Were You - 552: Corked (w/Josh Ruben!)

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

In this episode we discuss kittens, impressions, and Headgum's newest podcast, "Corked!" SUBSCRIBE to and RATE Corked on: Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/corked/id1638826548 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6uIY5vrU1A5Z7EjRdQLWtA FOLLOW Corked on: Twitter: https://twitter.com/corkedpod Instagram: https://instagram/corkedpod Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. It's the eyes, it's the eyes. You know the stupid eyeliner, you know what I mean? It's like, are they possessing? Just total Chuck E. Cheese mouth. That was Butthole Mouth with Uh Oh. Here we go. Uh oh, here we go. Close.

That was Dom, who's an audio engineer and recording guy based in Philadelphia who's worked with a ton of pop punk bands. That's how he got into music. He's a day one listener and a long time watcher of the series and the only thing he has to plug is if there are any bands that want to record or mix anything. Jake. Fade on Shuffle. There you go.

I knew fucking pop punk endeavor. You can hit him up on Instagram at Dom. M-A-G-G-I. Dom. Maggie. That's cool. Yeah, cool. My band Rut-Row based on Scooby-Doo, just fandom.

Scooby-Doo's fandom. Yeah, Scooby-Doo's fandom. It's called Rut-Row Spaghetti-Os and it's just all about what all the characters in Scooby-Doo like to eat. That's cool. Velma loves a hoagie, et cetera, et cetera. That's cool. So does every song, does every show start with a theme song from a family? A new song, yeah.

A completely unique theme song and that one was, I guess he has a band too, 1-3-1-3, formerly known as the Deftones. Or maybe, what is FFO? Huh? F-F-O, Deftones and R-A-T-M. Like another, like, it sounds like those two things. Frankly, frankly, you occupied? Rape against a machine?

R-A-T-M? R-A-T-M, oh yes. Okay, so it says F-F-O, Deftones and R-A-T-M. We're not cool enough to read this email. Yeah. This guy used to play for R-A-T-M? I think it sounds like those two things. Okay.

Is what I'm thinking. F-F-O. F-F-O, Deftones. Final Fantasy Zero. For, for, for as familiar with F-F-O, acronym. For, for, for, for. For reals, oh. Funds from operation.

No, that doesn't. No, that's it. Fully finished object, no, of course not. F-F-O made it. Made it up to make it. Oh, for fansof. Oh! For fansof.

For fuck's oak! Did he think we would know that? I had to go forward, Google search results deep just to figure it out. Yeah, but you're very online, so you should have. I do. I should. Is this just what getting older is,

that you don't know the cool things are? Like I've been exposing my ankles with fun sneakers for at least two years, but I don't wear a carabiner and I wear graphic shirts. This is what getting older is. I think this is the debut of my wrist brace on, if I were you. On the wrist brace, on the hand with your wedding ring.

This is tendonitis here. This is getting, this is what getting older is. I guess this is growing up. Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do. And then just like sipping a fucking ornament. That couldn't have been what fucking Hoppus was thinking of. No way he was talking about it.

I guess this is getting old and out and out. Well, I guess this is going, ah! You know what I mean? So exciting to have the stars of hardly working cookies in the room. All together, yeah. Cookies, brownies. I think it's brownies.

Brownies, yeah. See, this is the thing about getting old is you don't even remember the in-house sketch you did about a current breakup. The iconic sketch brownies. It really, really was. It's iconic. And when you watch that again, it holds up

and it almost is almost like future thinking. It was future proof. The idea, the joke, the execution. It feels like it was something that was shot last year, but it was made. I feel that about a lot of things that I've done. Duck hunt dogs. Babies barf into a big mini pool.

Jackass girls. Xbox girls punch Xbox boys in the mouth. Yeah, it was just a real, just to kind of look back. Did anybody ever haunt you and go like, mama tell? You know what I mean? Like when it was like, oh, you did that. I'm going to tweet about that. You know what I mean?

Do you have your word back for you? Oh, they will. Right. Things that I've done. For me and me, I think the sheer volume of things that we've done and the cancelable stuff inside it. It's like I dare you. There's like, why bother?

Just look for something I'm doing now. There's too much. There's too much. I think the thing is we're not big enough to be canceled. Oh, that's good too. Yeah, so it's like, I want to cancel a mirror. And he's like, all right, yeah, who is he? He basically doesn't work anyway.

He said gay as a derogatory 10 years ago. And he's like, that's fine. Yeah, he doesn't know who nobody knows who they are. So it's fine, ultimately. But Josh, you are also, I guess, you lended your voice to a new podcast that Head Gum is releasing, Corked, which is a scripted, our first scripted podcast,

which has been in the works for years. And you probably recorded this years ago. Oh my gosh, years. Before a global pandemic wiped out at least a good portion of the population. Right, millions. Millions dead. Actually, technically, technically, no.

What was the podcast that we did? Millions gone. It's called Before Millions Were Gone, due to this vicious influenza. Rest their souls. Toxic, toxic mist. Which is, by the way, not going anywhere. It's not going anywhere.

No, it's definitely not. We'll live with it. Did you hear everyone's wet cough when we were setting up these three black magic cameras with labels? Anyway, it was about wine. Because it was in a time before we all thought we'd be burned if not off to death,

trying to face time. And one of the things that I think was fun about it is, I don't recall one thing I did on Corked coming either 816 or 823, is I probably played someone with a weird wheeze, like someone who was, but was also like white wine. And maybe, I don't know, a good ghost. I remember listening to the pilot of Corked and thinking it was the funniest thing

that Hedgum had ever done up until that point. Well, it was like semi-scripted by John and John Carlo who shot all our videos. Yeah, they shot all the J.K. and their videos. And then they let Josh and a bunch of hilarious folks kind of improvise around the outline of the story. Couldn't tell you one other cast member, maybe John Gabrus.

Gabrus is definitely a name. Gabrus is in it. Lou Wilson, Betsy Cedaro. I think, and it's loosely scripted. And I think it was inspired by, remember that podcast, Estown? Yes, exactly. Oh yeah.

So like a guy figuring out a mystery. Yeah, exactly. But the characters are pretty silly. Yes. Pretty wacky. Is it good? We're about to find out. I only heard the pilot.

And this was, it was like six years ago. Yes. Is it not six years? I think it was. Four episodes slowly crafted over the course of half of a decade. I'm tempted to bring up my phone to find the date, but I'm afraid that the microwaves

will knock us all off. Taking it out of airplane mode. Render us sterile, yeah. Food is, you know, it'll just be a little, food is lost, you know what I mean? Everything we've done so far will be like, food is lost, you know what I mean? It'll be like, all this gold.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you had a head gum podcast yourself. This is how long head gum has been around. You had a podcast. Josh's Mindhouse. Josh's Mindhouse. So before I was canceled, one thing I used to do is just have, I had people over to my house.

This is actually kind of an interesting story. I think you guys were probably, it's not an interesting story. Just, I guess, a tidbit. A tale, if you will. A anecdote. A random tale. An antidote, if you will.

You somehow knew what a Zoom recorder was. H4N, we'll figure it out. And sure, Mike, and I asked you for those tech specs with that recommendation. I started interviewing people in my living room when I lived in Brooklyn, not far from Jake, literally across the street. So I interviewed 10 people, just solo,

just as a vocation. And then you guys were like, hey, you wanna come do this potentially for income. And I couldn't count what I'd already done. So I was like, yeah, I did 10, oh, I have to do 10 more, and 10 different ones. And- So you did it before head gum?

I did it before head gum. And what's so upsetting was I had to do more. So it was like everything I did, it was like just, it was like a pilot. It was like a 10 hour pilot. Yeah, a 10 hour test. Yeah, cause each interview was an hour. Of course.

You know what I'm saying? Why don't we just put those ones on? We gotta go back in time and ask ourselves. 2016 was wild for us. I don't remember any of the decisions I made. Who was the biggest celebrity that you talked to on your show? Oh. I also got some pretty big names.

Phoebe Robinson was my first one. Wow. And Bridget Everett was my second one. Wow. Very cool. Star of Somewhere, Somewhere, Somehow, Somewhere. Ooh, Somebody, Somewhere. Somebody's talking.

Son HBO. Show us what I know about the celebrities and Phoebe Robinson who now is a free form show that isn't corked, but it's called Everything is Trash. And yeah, and she worked called Tumor. Yeah. Which is the standup comedian. Now she's like, you know, becoming this like icon.

A bunch of our contemporaries have done a lot. Yeah. Not us. We sort of stayed the course, didn't deviate. Right. Still doing the podcast thing. Still it. You gotta keep the courting going.

And then we're also looking into developing. Yeah. We have a pretty interesting outline idea. We, yes. Yeah. That we hope to get in the room. I think we're waiting on Andy to return. Yes.

We're waiting on a few people to return. To return. We pitched an animated show 17 months ago. Yeah. And we're still waiting on feedback. You guys find out about that pilot you cast me in some time ago. We did a television.

Oh, the television. Yes. Did you find out about that? I've been waiting by the phone. It was TBS. Down to true. True. True TV shot the pilot.

Ultimately, they passed. In the room. Wicked. Yes. So wait, so passed. Does that mean there's a likelihood that? Well, we're going to take that copy and shop it around to different streamers.

As in the VHS. Illegal for us to actually do that. Yeah. Or is it just the Zoom audio file? You can take it, turn it into something of a podcast. Like a podcast almost. And then we get that cash money and meaning. Yeah, really purpose that.

The pilot could be a podcast. Or like an audio book or something like that. That we can then repurpose through an audible or a spotable. Or an illumination or an illuminati. Illuminary, wondering. And we could put that behind a paywall or even a free wave. General Mills just optioned. Yeah.

Yeah. We could window it. I wish. Because a lot of these serial companies are getting into original content. You joke about General Mills. Serial. My buddy just sold a short web series to Kellogg.

There's a Rice Krispies tale about three elves who tried to assault one of the murders in their log house. I'm doing a gritty Captain Crunch reboot. Reboot. Yeah. It's a monocled era cut. Right. So it's like Pirates of the Caribbean meets Dune.

So Captain Crunch was the second in command and his captain actually killed himself. High in the hills of Ireland. It was a tale of a small leprechaun trying to steal a bunch of mollusks. Which is the drug for the elves. But no for real. So did the show didn't get picked up.

It got canceled. Passed on. In the camp. Unceremoniously. Yeah. We didn't test well. We didn't end well. Ha!

Yeah. Just wanted to get that straight answer. It was a no for them dog. Yeah. But we're still plugging away podcast wise. And that's why we're here. If I were you. The only advice pod on the web still hosted by us.

We're going on nearly 10 years of this shit. Wow. That's crumbly. And each year is kind of. What are the top nine things you think you guys have learned? Top nine. Just in the past 13 years. Top nine.

Yeah. Top nine. Just kind of. No. Here. I'll hold up my fingers. Yeah. Cool.

Like. Guest wise it's important to have a friend in the room. Okay. More so than like a big name. Like we can have. Still one. The biggest celebrity in here. Cool.

And it don't matter as much as like having a you or Dave Rosenberg. Cool. Eight to go. Right. Eight to go. That's awesome. Any other things you've learned in 13 some odd years?

The power of the host red ad. Ooh. The mighty host red ad. Is. Yes. Superior to the programmatic ad is the host red ad. Cool. So seven more anything just kind of off the top of the D.

No. Right. Off the top. The top of the D. And we're going to talk into the mic. Yeah. We're going to talk into the mic. Mic control.

Microphone manners they say. You know what I like. Fidget. That's good. The more you touch the more like that shows up in the final edit. In the final edit. I think there's at least six more.

Six. But I could probably top that off for you. Sex sells. Sex sells. Sex sells five. So yeah. Sex the sells the cellular. Still five lessons to be learned.

Still five left by my count of nine. And we are always learning. So those five lessons are actually, those are blank slates because it's only been 10 years. And we want to keep this up. We want to keep it up. More to go. More to grow.

You also want to respect people's privacy. And time. And yeah. And it's important to treat the audience with that respect as well. Why? Why? And reverence.

And that's okay. This is one thing. Yeah. A lot of the technical difficulties. For those listening. For those watching. For those watching at home. For those watching C-Span.

The TV behind us just. Turn on to a channel. A channel. A channel. Shit it's your pilot. One other thing that we learned is that. It's our pilot. It is an airplane pilot.

So it is a type of pilot. It's a, oh it's the airplane pilot. Oh that's right. We're doing these now as a video podcast as well. Right. So you guys can watch. We learned how to count a YouTube stream as a listen. In order to sell more host read ads.

Exactly. I. Might kill myself this year. That's interesting. Let's drill down on that. As a date. Let's try to get that down as a date. Actually Josh correct me if I'm wrong.

You have a birthday coming up. You're a late July man. So wrong. June 30th. So one thing that, yeah. When I turned 30. Excuse me. When I turned 39.

And I thought most people remember. Yeah. And yeah just turned 39. And I thought. I knew it was a June, July situation. All right. You're January 9th. Wow.

And one thing. Very close. Jake is August 2nd. Wow. That's also close. Very, very close. So close. Were those complete guesses?

Cause they were like within 10 days. I knew you were Capricorn. I knew Leo. And I thought, you know what? I'm just gonna fucking go for it. I'm gonna can't see you in June 30th. You knew that because of how we acted. I just found out my rising sign.

One second. And I just found out my rising sign. Excuse me. It's Scorpio. That doesn't mean anything. I think I am too. Really? Hey.

What does it mean to be a Scorpio rising? I think it means that's how you present to the world. So Scorpios are sexual, intense. He's coming. Great. Swing. Swing. That's absolutely tight.

Actually, I'm looking, you're a Sagittarius rising. Really? Yeah. Those people are shrimp-dicked, kind of shriveling and swallowing. I present small penis to the world. You have small Zaddy in it. Caniving.

You have wrist brace Zaddy. It says you have tendonitis. I don't know how it could possible. From all the tendonitis off Scorpio style. Excuse me. So, Josh, you've done this show before. You get what we're doing, which is answering people's questions.

Trying to get to the bottom of these very, very, very sticky situations. Do you have a cat? I do, yeah. Ruby Tooby Badonkadooby. Ruby for short. She's a big girl. All right.

So this is a question about a cat from a lady. Who we can call. Just give her a fake name to present to the world. Scrubs Footson. Scrubs writes, I've had a kitten for six months now and I wholeheartedly regret it. Oh, my roommate is this gung-to-ho animal activist

and acts like she got a fucking Snow White connection to animals. Is that a thing? Snow White connection? Yeah, it's the animal's follower around and stuff. Land on her finger. She takes my cat and hides him in her room, kisses him loudly and repeatedly

over and over in front of me and never stops saying his name to get his attention even when we're all watching a movie or have a bunch of people over. She has said in the past that my cat likes her better, which is an all-around dick move.

I love my cat, but I really can't stand handling this as it doesn't bother me. I really can't stand handling this as if it doesn't bother me because it does. If I could change anything, it would be the goddamn kissing.

Trust me, it's gross as fuck. I can't tell her to stop kissing my cat because then I look like a crazed asshole. Is there any way for me to subtly tell her to fucking stop kissing my kitten? Scrubs, nothing is wrong with what's going on other than the fact that you resent having a cute ass cat. Let it be kissed, let the kitten be kissed,

and get your head checked. You kiss your cat. Seriously, Scrubs, your name is fucking Scrubs Futsin. That's for one. That was the name you gave her. Sorry. Ha, ha, ha.

Excuse me, so it's like, excuse me, so I'm just trying to give you a point. So like, you know, my antidote is, like it literally, like literally a deal. Like literally, literally, oh no. Do you kiss your cat? Yeah. With that mouth? Everywhere.

Everywhere. I don't think she likes her roommate is the issue. Yeah. That's, the cat is its own thing. The cat is out of the bag. Do we know where Scrubs lives? Like, would it be expensive to kick her out and kind of wait a couple months for her to come in?

There's an address. I was able to reverse Google search, her email address, and it yielded an address, 2511 Maple Lane in Indianapolis, Indiana. So maybe, yeah, you move a little outside the city center, you can get your own place. That's cool. You don't have to have a roommate.

Your cat would just. Remain unkissed in perpetuity. Your cat would get a little less love. Here's an interesting thought. She said, if I say this, I sound like a crazed asshole. Have you thought about those feelings that are in your head that are unsaid, make you the crazed asshole, nonetheless?

Mm-hmm. So she's already a crazed asshole just by thinking these things. Right, it's just interesting to be like, if I say this thing that I'm feeling, I'll be a crazed asshole. Yeah. So like, that's, it's almost,

it's like on the cusp of being self-aware. Yeah. But it's not. Yeah, if you think crazed asshole thoughts but never say them, is that just what being a normal person is? I think so. Or do normal people not even have crazed asshole thoughts?

No, they must have crazed asshole thoughts. They must have a crazed asshole thought. So normal people are just the ones that filter their crazed asshole thoughts better. So I guess you're being normal. You could take the cat away every time the kissing gets too wet. You know?

It's like, it's getting a little wet. It's like, oh, I want to hold the cat. Oh, that's good. Good, good. You like being hugged, don't you? Kissing there are a lot of cats. Na, na. Go on and kiss the cat.

You could hold a mirror to the situation by you kissing the cat so much. Interesting. And then the roommate is like, jeez, do I look like that when I make out with the cat? And unless she wants a fucking triple kiss, the roommate gets turned on by the idea. Well, seeing you kiss the cat makes me want to get in there.

Under the sea. Under the cat. Darling, it's cat. Down where it's cat. Let the cat be kissed by the roommate is the sentiment. The cat needs love. You don't want to give them the love. You clearly don't like the cat.

You probably don't like your roommate. No, I think the cat, maybe like the cat. You don't like the roommate. That's really the issue. Move out of the Indiana city limits as a state and get out of there. I got a 950 on my SAT, so it doesn't matter. Wherever you are, get out, get out.

Find a closet. You and the cat. Have your own separate sides. Put that thing in the corner. And just stare at each other if you don't fucking, you don't want to love it, just. Do you love the cat? Raise it, sans kitties.

Favorite thing. Sans kisses. Do I have a favorite cat? No, is your cat your favorite? Do you love the cat the most? Do you're like a huge fan of the cat or you're like. I'm a fan of the cat, but it's just, it likes doing its own thing.

Most cats do. They don't need much of anything. Feed it, you know what I mean? They're not dogs in that way. They're not dogs in that way. Dogs need, you know what I mean? Cats are like, I'm good. Leave me for, I don't know.

We leave our cat 10, 12, 15 days. Kill time. Way too long. No feed or anything because they're basically independent. And then what happens after 15 days? You get back to the cat. I dare you to cancel me. No, we get back.

I've starved a cat. That's a thing. That's a great thing. It wants to be loved. It wants to be a kid. It's like, you know what I mean? No. I say, it's east.

You know what I mean? And it's just like. What was that last one? That was, well, that was just the old anxiety hair ball coming out when we were back, you know? Because she'll, they're smart. They will, when we do go away for a few days, we do have a cat sitter, guys, relax.

I'm not abusive, but they will ration their food. Interesting. When you leave. So if you don't give it love, it will probably ration, you know, when you do give it a little, little head pat, you know, store that up, a little camel, hunt the love. Anyway, scrubs, get your head checked. Yeah, get your head checked.

All right, let's take a break, come back, answer some more questions after these cats. Hey now. 816. Corked. 823. Check out Corked. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring

this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you.

Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade. Excuse me, I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress.

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And we're back, Josh, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fireman. Mom, I'm coming. It's gross. Do I look like Jack Black when I do this? Well, I've changed. No, my body's changed. Check out Goosebumps only on Redbox.

No, I am straight to Blackbuster exclusive. Do I have unsolicited advice? Yeah, the world's heating up. The world's heating up, okay. I've read that. That's so funny. Europe was at least 46 degrees Celsius. 70 degrees.

70 degrees, uh-oh, my pond boiled. Yeah. My pond boiled over. They actually are equipped to handle that level of heat. And they can't. It's really scary. Especially, you know, for those of us who have cats, but one thing I've done that I recommend

for anyone who's got a vehicle, get a sunshade for your windshield. Interesting. I love this thing, barely fits. Got it on Amazon, didn't measure my windshield to the thing I bought, but I just shove it up into the window. It refracts the heat.

I don't boil my ass that bad when I sit down. It's really, you know, I got a, I got a sunshade as well last summer. I always forget to put it in when I leave my car. That's, it's like, it's just sitting there. And I come back and I'm like, fuck, and the car is so hot. And it's just, it's just sitting there.

My parents used to have that, like the, it's almost like an accordion cardboard version. Could do. But I haven't seen it in 20 years. Yeah, you can get ones that fold up, like a little photo. That's what I have changed. Little Batman cape, little technologies change.

How do you remember to put it out? Well, I'm just an ain't a little half Jew. You know, I just reach behind the passenger seat. So you got one right now. Excuse me. I was telling you about where my sunshade is. I know. So I'm the king of my car, excuse me.

So I drive in the front seat. Okay. Simply I'm right handed. When I park, excuse me. So I'll reach my right hand behind the passenger seat. Correct. And it's there right now. Excuse me.

And I'll pull it out. Yes, I know that. Right. Put it in the windshield. So I always know it's there. I just don't forget. I'm just not forgetful. Is it there right?

Couple of pod heads. I wonder if it's there right now. I'm not right now. No, it's only 81. It's only one. I actually forgot. I forgot it in the back. You guys are adults.

You're probably at the garage. Your car is wrapped around a tree outside, sir. Yeah. Whoops. Yeah, my hand got, this is a little worse than Jake's, but this is the accident I thought. Oh my God. I didn't want to be late.

Wow, that's a really solid tip. Cause it's a thing people can purchase right now on Amazon probably for like what, 10 bucks? And here's the thing too. A little follow up, little ad me on, okay. You got credit card with points. You select alt pay method. Okay, excuse me, on Amazon and it will say

how many points you have to apply to your purchase so often when I get toilet paper, a sunshade, a solar panel for my ring camera, so that I don't have to charge it. Yes, that was a weird breath in. Get used to it. I'm on my death bed. I just want to tell you,

you can use your credit card points and like get stuff for free. That's an incredible tip. I did not know that at all. Wow, credit card points to get anything for free? It depends on the credit card, I suppose. I only apply it on Amazon sometimes for an airline or what have you, but look for where it says

when you're checking out, alternate payment method. Yep, cause everyone's going to die and those points are going to go unused. That's my point. That's the credit card company's gambit. You bunch of corpses. You know that, right? That's what their fucking gambit is.

You bunch of corpses. They give you the points. You bunch of fucking. So you have free stuff and you save them. You hoard them and then you're dead and you don't use them. And they get them back. They get them back.

They get them back. They get them back. The banks get them back. They don't get them back. What? You just didn't use them. It's like a finite resource that they receive them back. You don't think so?

No. So you've spent all that. I guess it's just depletes. It's not a valuable thing. Like Bitcoin just deletes, right? Just down, down, down. Like a fart in the wind, eh? Yeah.

Interesting. All right, sunscreen for your car. That's really good. Doge. Remember clubs for the, for the steering wheel? That's like the things that I think about when my parents' car, when I was little, it was like a club and then a sun protector.

Yeah. But I guess they don't have clubs anymore, right? But they do. Yeah. Jill's dad used a club on the car until like three or four years ago. Wow. Then they finally got a new car

and they, and the club went with that. Maybe the car, the club didn't fit on the new car. Maybe like the technology is like built into the steering wheel now. Well, yeah, steering. No, I don't. I think they can lock. Yeah, I think there's just better locking mechanisms.

I don't know. And also cars are all like tracking. It's a lot harder to steal a car, I'd imagine. Yeah, they all have like tracking devices. Yeah. Yeah. You steal a car, they know where you are. Right.

You steal a car, know where you are. Court, check it out, 816 or 823. That's really good. You understand? All right, here's a question about somebody that doesn't want to go to law school. So what would we call this non-lawyer? Guy's name.

Oh, what do we call him? Oh, yeah, Pimp Bradley. Pimp? Pimp Bradley and Scrubs Foots in there. Two advice askers. I'm a 24-year-old guy from Colorado who graduated from college last year. I deferred my admission to an out-of-state law school

for a year because of COVID. During the past few months, I've had some serious doubts about even going to law school at all and what I actually wanted to do with my life. I don't want to go out of state. I don't want to go to this out-of-state law school, but I don't know how to tell my parents that I won't be going and instead I'm moving to an apartment

with one of my close friends and pursuing a career in the sports entertainment field. I know I should have a formal plan when I tell my parents, you know, like an actual job. Currently, I'm an ice cream scooper at the moment, but I don't have anything lined up after applying to jobs for over a year. I really think going to law school right now

is something I don't want to do. I'd like to start making my decisions for myself and doing things that I want to do, any help with how to tell my parents my plan since I was a sophomore in high school, since this was my plan since I was a sophomore in high school and it's no longer happening. This would be greatly appreciated.

Love you both. Pimp, Bradley. B-B. Well, it loves you both. You answer. I didn't say I love you too much, Josh. I think he has to go to law school. Really?

Yeah, for the dad slash culture. So he'll go to school out-of-state and learn. It's only... It can't be that hard, right? It's only four years? Yeah. It's only four years. You have to take the bar and then you become a lawyer.

Right. And then it would only... After just four years, then you're a lawyer. And then it's just a lifetime and career of doing something you don't want to do. It's moving up. Yeah, but then you can charge more and get more cash. Yeah.

And then on your death bed, you could do the ice cream scuba thing. Is that what you want to do? Sports entertainment or whatever. Whatever, yeah. Either way, he's a lawyer. You didn't say you love me. Do whatever you want.

Do you have any friends that became lawyers? Like none of my friends did that. I don't think anyone became a lawyer. No, I feel like everyone who became a lawyer ended up being like a writer or like started a flower shop. Right, they ended up not being a lawyer. I know one person who was, literally they did law school,

studied for the bar, like killed themselves for the bar, like studied for just 369 days straight, passed, and then was just like, I'm going to start, man, but I'm just going to, you know, do get in a stationery. Yeah. I said, what?

Girl, did you just want a challenge? I got a 950 on my FAT. You keep saying that. I know. It's combined. I know. You know, hard it was to do SAT prep. Is that one without a 2400 or out of 1600?

No, out of 16. All right, good. And 320 math. 320 verbal. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, English and numbers.

Yeah, I had a friend that just like studied for the LSATs over and over and over and then just became an LSAT tutor. So he didn't become a lawyer. He just taught people how to do well on the LSATs. That's rough. That's, yeah. I mean, I imagine that's kind of lucrative.

That's like studying haunted houses and becoming a ghost. You know what I mean? It's just like, it doesn't make any sense to me. You just pitched a new Ghostbusters movie in which the Ghostbusters become slimer some shit. Course, check it out. 823 or 816. Yeah.

I can't imagine law schools that hard because like there's what like four basic laws and then they're like, all right, read the rules and then you'll get a contract. It's a lot of work. Yeah. And then you finish that. Trust me. At the end of the bar, they're just like, listen,

it's just like really random shit. Yeah. The last, literally when you get to the end of the bar, it's just like, what do you really want? That's the question. It's like, what do you really, it's the word. The question is, come on, like C apostrophe, M-O-N, comma, what do you really want to do?

W-H-A-D-D-A, what do you really want to do? Come on, what do you really want to do? And then it's just that you just write in your answer. That's really cool. I want to be a lawyer, like a John Grisham, like a writer that writes legal thrillers. That could be an answer. And you'd get it right on the bar.

That is interesting. I mean, contract stuff is like probably the worst part of being a creative. It's like, you work really hard, you pitch stuff, and then sometimes lawyers like get involved, and then you're just like, oh my God. It takes years. It takes years.

You know what a, not a long form is? Yeah. You hear about that? Yeah. So you do that, you literally do a job, like by the way, two years after you finish a job. We're ready to sign the long form. We're ready to sign the long form.

They passed four years ago. That should be, yeah. Like how do they, how do any of them have hair? How does any lawyer have hair? I'd like to know how they have hair as well, because they're negotiating stuff that won't happen. If you know why, if you know any lawyer that still has their hair,

write to headgum.com, backslash, pipsy-cola-corked816.uk. That's also entertainment law. So I think that's, there, it feels like an entertainment law. The whole point is to negotiate everything until it's a gray enough area that everyone can be right in case anything goes wrong. Oh, and the constant redefining,

and by the way, affiliate, by that meaning circus performer, AKA actor. We really want to hammer down the details if this goes seven seasons, who gets the rights to sell the merchant. That's kind of like the contract law and stuff. But then there's also, there's other types of law out there. Yeah, like ambulance chasers,

like, oh, do you have mesothelioma? Yeah. Which by the way, isn't real. I looked it up. I thought I had it, but it's not a real disease. What did you think it was, and what did you end up having? I had asthma, and I thought it was...

Mesothelioma. Yeah. Mesothelioma. It's a type of herb. You had an herb? Mesothelioma. So I'm just going to add a little dill, a little parsley,

this is how that little mess, top it off a little mesothelioma. Yeah, it's in drywall, but it's basically not a bacteria. Oh, so I shouldn't add it to fish. Oh, shit. You can. Okay.

And should. But if you have it, you have to call this fucking lawyer and then he gets your money for it. And that lawyer doesn't have any hair? I don't even know if he eats fish. He doesn't have any time. He's been reading long forms for 25 years.

He's hairless. They all are just... And scareless. So ultimately you're 24 years old, you should probably do what you want. It's going to be a hard conversation to have with your parents. Yeah.

But the thing that, as somebody who has disappointed their parents deeply in the past, the nice thing about, at least most parents, good ones, they love you unconditionally. So.

They're sort of pot committed at this point. Yeah. This will be a hard conversation and maybe there'll be some, some initial disappointment. Yeah. But now it won't, it doesn't hold a candle to the disappointment

that you would have if you went to law school and did something you didn't want with your life and your parents ultimately want you to be happy. And the other thing I'll say is sports, getting into a career in sports entertainment is, that seems like a, you know, good job stability there. Yeah.

Sports are popular. So it's just about breaking in. One, wait, one more point actually, excuse me. I didn't say anything. You go to law school, don't like it, become a lawyer, hate it so much that you really have to quit and chase your other dream of becoming

a sports entertainment person or whatever. That's five, six years lost on that journey. So it's actually better to start on that, not getting a job when you're 24 than when you're 30. That's all. Are your parents still disappointed in you? They are, but for other reasons, not career-wise.

Copy that. Yeah. I'm bad to my family members. Huh. Let's, I'm not another generous, I'm antagonistic selfish. Yeah, let's take another break. Some sponsors.

And let's do, Corked. 816. 828. 23. 23. Down by the river. I borrowed money and not returned it.

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Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgun podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

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Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. All right, we're back. Let's try to answer another question, shall we? Yes. This is getting ridiculous. Is it?

Absolutely insane. This is fucking nuts. I can't believe it. You don't have a question, do you? Not a question, but a thought experiment. A thought starter. Now, here we go. A guy recognized a coworker from when they were childhood friends.

So what should we call this dude, Josh? A guy, so the coworker. Are you looking for the coworker's name? We're talking the guy who wrote this email saying, I recognize this guy, but I acted like I didn't. Oh, Crank Friglet. That is a good Crank. That's an all-time name.

Scrub, Pimp, and Clank. The original three. I'm a 21-year-old male, 21-year-old male who just started going to college. One of my friends from high school met a guy in one of his classes and he said was pretty cool and he wanted to introduce him to our group. When I met him, it took me a few seconds to recognize his face, but I realized he was really good friends. He was my really good best friend from childhood.

I stopped talking to him when I was in sixth grade. Our families were super close, and I think he still keeps in contact with my cousins or something. Their family even sends us Christmas cards, so we were pretty good friends. And it's an awesome coincidence to reunite with a long-lost friend But here's the problem. I pretended like I didn't even know him.

I'm pretty shy and non-confrontational, so getting into a potentially emotional moment made me turn tall and act like a stranger. He even mentioned, Oh, I think I know you. And I just said something like, Oh, that's crazy and carried on. We even got lunch afterward and I treated him like a stranger the whole time.

I've since realized that this was a mistake and I want to reconnect with him or at least acknowledge that this is a crazy coincidence. What should I do? Perhaps a passive message like something on Instagram or something. Nobody gives crank friglin' the cold shoulder. That's the message? Yeah.

Ah, I'm out of it. Okay. This is a weird one where it's like a really small deal, but so bizarre of you to do that. It's also weird, like he's only 21 and he hasn't seen him since he was 12. It's not like he's 74. Like four years.

Yeah, like four years. He was your best friend at age 12 and you acted like you didn't know him at age 20. And how mutated have we all gotten and not recognized one another? It's a two-way street. Like wouldn't crank friglet, recognized, you know, Mike Piggles

or whatever, whoever wrote in or whatever? Like we're in our late 30s. If I saw my best friend from age 12, I'd like instantly be like, Holy shit, how's it going? When we were at the, our live show in New York a few years ago, it's like 2015,

my mom brought my, one of my best friends from when I was, not sixth grade, but from when I was like, eight. As like a surprise? Who she is? Like I think she's dating him. Wow.

He was her side piece. But she was his main chick. Cork. So it was his crazy situation, 816 or 23. I don't know how or why, maybe he was coming to the show. Anyway, I have no idea,

but anyway, you were there, he came backstage and I didn't recognize him at first until my mom said his name. Interesting. So that there is a world where he, excuse you. He's actually FaceTiming right now.

This is insane. I have to pick up. I've never done this before. Okay. Dad. It's finally me. So you didn't recognize him until she said something. Yeah.

Like it was a weird, crazy moment where I was like, I know this guy, but that, and then my mom said his name was like, Oh my God, you know, Wow. But I,

I guess what I'm saying is, it's just, it's just weird to avoid that. So you should make, I mean, you should make it right. You should come to him and be like, yo, that was crazy. I remembered how I know you.

Yeah. And then like clear the air. Yeah. Mind blown emoji it a little bit. Yeah. Be like, you know, because this is the effect. No one gives cray frigolette the cold shoulder.

The cold shoulder. Yeah. So what's funny is like, Oh my God, I remember you from 2013. It was only nine years ago when we were the best friends in the world. You still hang out with my cousins.

Yeah. We don't look that different. So it's obvious that we're friends. Pre-vaccine. It's like, come on guys. You should find a Christmas card or something or a photo of you guys together when you were like tweens.

Yeah. Send that to him. Be like, I think I, I think I found out why you look familiar. Little holy guacamole. Mind blown emoji. Mind blown emoji.

There you go. But clear the air. Clear the air. Clear the air. Come on. No one gives clank frigolette the cold shoulder. Are you guys still friends with your 12th? Like who's your best friend in sixth grade?

Are you friends with him still? Vidal Alexander. God bless him. No idea. Really? You don't know? No idea what he's doing. I'm not on Facebook.

Because you went different junior highs. Is that what happened? Elementary school friends. If he was in Potomac, Maryland. Vidal, if you're listening, reach out to me. It's just my name at Gmail. Truly all you.

Oh my God. It's that Ian. Are you the Ian? Don't pretend you're Vidal Alexander. He was my best friend. We like made comic books together stuff. I moved from Potomac, Maryland to Woodstock, New York. There goes our billboard.

And that was just how we drifted. And you just never saw him. Because it was like, you know, 1997. You couldn't email him even. 1994 even. You just like, you just, you move as a kid. You move as a kid. You'll never see that child again.

It's like stand by me. There's a quote in the film which said, Man, that's crazy. And not anymore. But who do you keep in touch with anyone you knew? Jake follows a girl I kissed eight years ago on Instagram. And he sends me updates every day. That's the opposite.

That's true. No, whatever she has a life event. Meanwhile, you're losing best friends, Jake. It's like, did you see what happened? I don't follow. I follow like 200 people on Instagram. And she's one of them. But I mostly do.

Yeah. I'm in friends with, you know, the Rosenbergs and Carnell. How long have you known the two of them since? Since seventh grade. Oh, okay. So like kind of late. And most of my other friends I've lost touch with or checking with every once in a while.

Fair. I mean, all my best friends came to me from college humor. Interesting. Yeah. I have childhood friends and then like post college friends. But I didn't really make any new friends in college era. My oldest friend is probably, I guess probably, Sam Reich.

Wow. Who I've met at summer camp in like 2000 and 2000. Yeah. So over half your life, you've known him for 20 years. Yeah. It's crazy. About as long as he's been married. Fucking crazy.

Still working. Still making weird noises. I'm going to be 40. You know what I mean? That's like, why am I, you know, going around doing. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because it's good, man.

Never stop. Never stop. You can't stop making weird noises. I'm going to be 40. You know what I mean? That's like, why am I, you know, going around doing. You know what I mean? You can't stop making dinosaur pig noises.

Do the dolphin? Yeah. And it's also like, check out a court. Yeah. 816. Have you been a seagull? Oh yeah. Dolphin.

Seagull. Dolphin and seagulls. Same things. Yeah. Sometimes I have the frog and I kind of never know when it's going to go out of my throat. Sometimes it's just like. Oh yeah. It's just a, just a, just like the pig.

Yeah. I'm not recording anymore. I'm not relevant. Everyone can do it now. Teach me Jeff Bridges. Hey man. Hey man. Hey man.

Hey man. Hey man. I can't really do it. It's more like Frank Oz doing a dark crystal character. Family guy. I can only do like two things. What do you do? I can do the kid from family guy like, what's wrong with me dad?

Like that. Isn't that Seth Green? That's good. And that's one. Is there a second? I don't know. Do I do another impression? You do like an eel diamond?

Oh yeah. You can do it. Anthony Ketus. Oh yeah. It's sort of a Kermit the Frog. I'm my piggy, wiggie, wiggie, wiggie. Jake you do anyone? I do Mark Wahlberg.

Oh yeah Josh. And that's it. Wow. I bet we could all do an Owen Wilson. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah, that's great. Wow. I was actually watching, I was listening to a podcast where people were talking about Bottle Rocket and what a cool movie it was and I just started watching it. It's really, yeah, a very young Owen and Luke Wilson and they're, you can tell they're

just so fucking like dynamic to watch. Yeah. There's a bottle, there's a male rocket shooting the air. Yeah. What's his nose broken or is this pre-nose broken? It was very broken. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Freshly. Keep broken on set. I did it too. I did it for myself and he said, Wes Anderson goes roll and I said one second and I just went, yeah. He's gonna laugh. You know what I mean? I insist.

Is there anything else you wanted to promote? I don't know. You're working on so much stuff. It's hard for me to keep up. Well, one thing I can talk about now that I'm on this genre, this unfunny genre podcast. You're a horror, you're becoming a horror director. Becoming a bit of a horror, they literally sent me this hat, this company Super Yakky, which does a really cool movie, directed by Sam Raimi, the other day I had to wear it

with my weed crocs. Just a little point. Such a weird career, director of our movies does seagull sounds and I'm here, but check out Cops. What? From comedy to horror. From comedy to horror. I guess it's sort of similar.

I play, there's a movie coming out in December where I play a very, like a very bad, very bad man. Wow. Yeah. There's premiered Tribeca Film Festival is going to play these other festivals internationally. It's called A Wounded Fawn. Holy shit. And it's basically like what would happen if like American Psycho went to the cabin

from Evil Dead. Wow. Awesome. And I get to play like, like the very, like basically my, it's my version of Patrick Bateman. It was so fun. And he just gets his ass kicked the whole time. Wow.

Is he evil the whole time? Or does he like turn? Oh, he's super, super evil, but it's you're basically watching an abuser get their ass kicked by like Greek goddesses for it. It's a wild movie. Wow. It's incredible. Yeah.

The director is Travis Stevens. He's like, he's an artist, but it was crazy because he was like, he just offered it to me. He wrote me on Twitter and was like, I think you're crazy enough to do this thing. And I was like, oh, you know, I, my, my impulse, which my wife to be hates is just to turn everything down. Like, no, I don't, I don't know. I want to look at it.

And I read it and I was like, oh, this is weird. This is good. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Plants is a bad dude. Wow. Just acting.

Not writing or directing. Just acting. Just acting. It was also hard as a horror filmmaker, you know, when I like wanted to help, just like trying to mansplain like, ooh, that condor, this should be better as a Dutch angle from a low, just perspective, perspective. But I just had to go, uh, yeah, just trying not to be just to, you know, mansplain. A backseat director.

Backseat Caucasian filmmaker. Let's just try one more. Do you mind if I touch the camera? I'm going to stop and then I'm going to go again. Don't say anything. I'm going to go again. Sound ready. Sound ready.

Beating and. Beating and. And the director's like, can you imagine? Which is probably, it's just my nightmare is working with literally any, any actor male over 40s. There's going to be some just like, oh, I got it, bro. Or like if you're at my biggest fear is working in TV, like someone's just like, uh, Dr. Nene would, would Nene say that like that.

So I got it. Because the character has been. All the actors who are on TV are just like, um, but, uh, if anyone knows after the character, it would be me. And it's like the director, you're just like, I'm just prepared to just, you know, that is weird that they bring in new directors for shows that have been around for 200 episodes. That's a great idea. Yeah.

Bring, bring, bring a brand new camp counselor and after two and a half years of you guys singing kumbaya and just like, could we maybe do a different song? We sing kumbaya on a different way. Yeah. But, uh, but yeah, I wanted to find, check it out. Coming to shutter this December, I think. And your other movie was on shutter too, right? My first movie.

I remember signing up for that service for one day to watch. Thank you. Bless you. Yeah. Yeah. Doing, doing a lot of stuff for shutter produced another movie called blood relatives. It's kind of this pretty rad coming out of a lot of shutters. Oh yeah.

Shutter is hooking it up. Shutter is your bread and butter. Shutter to bread and butter, uh, which means, um, trying to just look into some alternate income, just as, cause it's, uh, it's not. You have a lot of cavities. It's cool. You have a lot of cavities I was going to say. Yeah.

Every time you laugh, I just see holes in your teeth. Is there a section of the drug store you could put on, so could myself. I literally just been, just inadvertently, just subconsciously, um, end it now, you know, before I have to pay for this wedding, uh, it's coming up, but, uh, yeah, no fun. Good stuff. Good stuff. Great stuff, actually. Yeah.

It's like $60 on these weed crocs. Yeah. It does look comfortable at the very least. Yeah. Oh, they're absolutely just scraping up my toes. Uh, it's been a fun ride. And again, more Josh on headgum, of course. We don't know if it's 8.16 or 8.23.

That's the sort of running joke here. Yeah. It's going to be one of those two days. Not sure who I played and why, but, uh, it was 10 years ago and I apologize. A pre-pubescent Josh and Vidal Alexander is in a two, I think. I hope so. I hope you're cool with us dropping a name nine times, but Vidal Alexander was my BFF from Potomac, Maryland.

If you're listening to this, uh, this next song is for you. Oh, my little love, I'm so lost without Vidal, uh, sweet. And thank you guys for watching. If you have more questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifirishow at gmail.com. If you guys are watching this show on our YouTube channel, you can watch this entire darn thing. Every episode is now as viewable as a video as well as audio. Correct.

And there's more of us on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A. Josh. Thank you again, Josh. They're using my image, uh, to monetize, uh, well, um, no one told me. We'll write you a pretty hefty check. Yeah. And we validate.

And if you end up getting COVID today, we'll pay you double. Amir insisted I pay for parking. Sunglasses into your eyes. Uh, sweet. We'll see you next week. Bye, everybody. Later. That was a hit gum original.