If I Were You - 553: Naval Massage (w/Chris Redd!)

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Comedian Chris Redd joins us live on stage as part of Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal! We discuss sexy Facetimes, platonic massages, and performing in front of six people. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a HitGum original. We're here! Have fun! Enjoy the show! It's us! It's Jake and Amir! That was the worst intro to a show I've ever heard in my whole entire life. Could you guys hear me? Could you hear him twice once over the Native American lands thing? It was a miscommunication on my... Montreal, we're here! Have fun! It's Jake and Amir. Are you trying to sabotage us? They said, they're like, this is the microphone and as soon as the music cuts off, it's all you. You can introduce it. I'm like, all right, here we go. Music cuts off.

What sounded like a really important announcement? And then I'm like, all right, are you guys ready to listen to some more important shit? And then they're like, please no heckling. So it wasn't on and they're like, now go. I'm like, now it's the punk rock song Jake wrote. Yes, fade on shuffle. This is actually our first show. Yeah. Let's run that song back. Wow. Technically, does somebody else wrote the music, recorded it and sing it?

What are you? They're not here. This is stolen valor. Like the lands. Do they know you... Wrote the song? No, they know you wrote the song, but does that guy know that this is the first concert? Because as you said, this is the first concert of fade on shuffle. I feel like, yeah, he knows.

Well, everything was a co-pro. He didn't really write the lyrics, but I had my hand in everything. Because I came up with the idea of the song, I think. You came up with the concept. But I feel like I really drilled it home. Yeah. Yeah. What's the name of the guy? Let's give him the credit now, just in case. Donnie, you're Donnie.

You don't even know. Gorman. Right. It's Gory Gary. Gory Gary. Gory something. Yeah. Gary Gory.

Super talented guy. Do you actually not know anything? Nothing without me. No, I do. It's Gareth O'Connor. Okay. Gareth O'Connor. Shout out to that guy. Congratulations. We're coming to our first show in, what, four years?

Four or five years? I don't even remember. Yeah. We missed two years because of COVID, but the two years before that, just because we had, like... I had our own illness shit going on. Yeah. We had a personal pandemic, if you could believe it.

Just me entirely within my body. Just you. I had something called COVID-15, which you won't ever hear about. Yeah. Patient negative one. Yeah. For four years I had this disease before the pandemic. Can we talk about it?

Do they know about this shit? Yeah. You know Fauci did it. This is why we had our falling out. Yeah. I became alt-right, then I became alt-left. Now I'm alt-center. Right.

Which is fine. Soon you'll be alt-right. Yeah. And then I'll be alt-right, alt-right, alt-center. This is weird to hold the microphone. We usually have it in stands that go up and do that. Can you not adjust yours? I don't know.

I'm afraid to try. I'll vamp for seven minutes while you figure it out. You vamp. I'll... Did anybody fly here? You vamp, I'll clamp. That's really good. There we go.

You drove far away. Drove from far away. Yeah. Toronto. Yeah. This one's stuck. I'm actually really strong. It's just...

I think it's actually supposed to be this way. Yeah. Keep on vamping. I'm Edmonton. There's anybody from Boo. I lost him. It's fine. I fixed the microphone just in time.

If you're listening at home, Jake positioned his stand to look like an origami swan. It's beautiful. I put it away. It looks like an ice sculpture. It's so detailed and intricate. Can I crack this thing? Please. I'll vamp.

I had anybody from... What about an all vamp podcast hosted by a vampire? That's basically our podcast now. Yeah, but not the vampire part. It's vamp, vamp, vamp, ads, one question, ads. Unsolicited advice. Ad, ad, ad, vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp. It's a car alarm.

Vamp, vamp, vamp. Cheers. Montreal. Cheers. Wow. Our first show back. Wow. Feels good.

My goal was to learn French so I could do half the show in English and half in French. Yeah, in Francois. And I got... A petit far, but my tutor... Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Blue is fucking Frank's out. Really? Yeah.

How do you say that in... How do you say hung himself? You said he blew his brains out. It was a very intricate sort of multi-une, deux, trois, step. Six choissons, as it were. Croissants. Yeah. So I think it's just English for tonight.

Cool. We're, as always, equipped with great questions, real questions from real people. But, of course, we're going to need fake names. That's right. Fake names to preserve their anonymity. So we're going to be relying on you guys, Montreal. So thank you so much. Crandis, where the hell have you been the last four years?

How was your COVID, Crandis? Yeah, you didn't call, you didn't write. I heard you lost your entire family, Crandis. I'm sorry to hear that. Your family fortune, Crandis. Crandis follows us from city to city. Every single show Crandis has been a part of, and we're glad that Crandis is still here on the other side.

So thank you. God to survive. And thank you to Crandis. We'll call this person Crandis, though their real name is Daniel. Oh, shit. You really have to stop doing that. Shit ass. Who'd you wave to?

I saw you sort of wave, like sort of like a quick little nod. Just like a peace sign. I really wouldn't want to blow up anyone's spot. I understand. But they're very famous and they came to our show. Holy shit. Yeah. Blink 182 is here, everybody.

I had a dream about seeing a bunch of my friends having an orgy. That's right. Nothing's hotter than fantasizing about your friends fucking. In the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game. That's my shit. Also, nothing's hotter than that. I also distinctly remember watching the whole ordeal on my best friend's snap story, and that I was jerking it to the video and crying.

Bizarre, I realize. And while it may be telling of some deeper issues, some fucked up kind of FOMO, perhaps. Crandis is starting to psychoanalyze himself. Things are figuring that out. Tell me more about this. Shout out to BetterHelp. You can't do this yourself.

You need to talk to a professionally- In our first ad break, my god, we're 10 minutes in. And that's why I'm coming to y'all for help. Oh, forget BetterHelp. We got this. Yeah. I've been haunted by the images from this dream for days now, and it's seriously affecting me.

I've been avoiding these friends for the past week, and last night I went out to dinner at the place we always go to together, and I got incredibly nauseous as soon as I sat down. And I ended up... No way, this is true. He ended up dry heaving into the restaurant toilet for 10 minutes before leaving. Sort of psychosomatic response to this.

This is the most fucked-up version of FOMO I think I've ever heard. I have FOMO and Giardia. What do I do? I'm only 18, so drinking my... That's right. The horniest age. So drinking myself into an amnesiac stupor is out of the question. Do I talk to my friends?

Well, therapists? How in God's name do I bring up a fuck dream without giving everyone... Oh, without giving everyone Giardia. He actually mentions himself. Yeah, same idea. Thanks and add chance for your help, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis. A.K.A. Daniel.

Wow, a dream so hot it made him heave. Have you ever had such a wet slash dry dream? Oh, that's good. Wet dream, dry nights. Is that the name of the other song? Oh, that's the other song. That's the next fade-on shuffle. Actually, that was the original one, isn't it?

No, I don't remember. Either way, so his sex dream was jerking off to a Snapchat story. His dream where you can just do anything you want. Yeah, some people fly. Others... Yeah, others cry. Yeah. And he decided to, using his subconscious and the infinite possibilities,

watch his friends have a lemon party, rolling a 20-sided die, and cry, and cry. Then he woke up still affected by the dream and has some sort of visceral reaction every time he's just near a restaurant that used to frequent. Yeah, so it seems like he has to do something about it. I definitely wouldn't be talking to them, right?

Coming clean about this kind of thing doesn't solve it. It just makes everyone think about the dream. Yeah, and then everyone's trying to direct it or something. Like, I had this crazy dream. Do you guys want to hear it? And they're like, oh, okay. Was I naked? More than that.

Way more. No, you were getting blown by Cheryl. Oh, my God, what were you doing? I was watching the whole thing on Snap. And I was crying. Yeah, it was so beautiful. Yeah, if you could dream about, why not put yourself in the orgy?

That's another thing that he should talk to. Lucid dreaming, you mean? Yeah, if he could lucid dream, it's just him watching porn, which he could do anyway. It seems like it's a waste of... That's an interesting notion, that you have to have a sexual experience that erases this one.

So kind of like... I didn't say that at all, but yeah. That's actually really interesting. That's super interesting. Shut up, I'm talking to myself. Yeah, if you can do something that kind of like outshines the crying Snap story of it all.

Okay, okay. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Roll for initiative. That's really good, I think. I don't fully understand what that means, but... Yeah. You have a D&D slash orgy style podcast. Has something ever...

I have a D&D podcast. It's not really like an orgy base. D&D meets SNM. Has anything ever devolved or honestly evolved into some sort of back and alien adventure? Sure, where I'm sleeping with Caldwell. No. Interesting.

But have you ever dreamt about that and masturbated to your phone while weeping? No. Well, in my dream, I was seeing it on an Instagram story. That's different. Totally different. Snapchat, it disappears. Instagram story is more...

That's normal phone mode. It's more permanent. Yeah, exactly right. So you wouldn't tell your friends if you had a sex dream about them. Not unless you actively want to fuck them. Because I think that's the only reason that you would tell someone about the sex dream.

Oh, it like sort of puts it in the ether. It doesn't clear the air. No. It makes the air musty. Yeah. It dusts the air. Yeah, nice. It's almost like a sticky air.

We've got it. Everyone's humid in here is all. Are you hot? I think I am warm, yes. Are you guys hot? Yeah. We have COVID now. Well, this is a hot...

It's a hot scenario though, too. Yeah. So I don't know if I have COVID or if it's hot in here or if I'm just turned on by the idea of someone jerking off while they're watching their friends fuck. It was the cook

because you got a positive on your rapid test. Yeah. So it's definitely not that... Two lines. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, and it was sublime. Should he talk to a person?

I already said no. Oh, a therapist? I think we're as good or better. Because we're actually pulling an audience right now. Yeah, a therapist is just one person with, I guess, history and education. Yeah, I'm actually... I'm going to go ahead and say that this is like

in line with sex dreams. My first sex dream... Do you guys mind if I share my first sex dream? This was... They all yell, No! Oh, wow. In unison.

Impressive. This was the first time I ever ejaculated... This was the nocturnal emission. Okay. Good man. This is what I miss the most about podcasting. Just how intimate it is. Yeah.

This is my therapy. Usually when you're talking about, come, there's four people listening. I was in a pool with Zach and Kelly from Saved by the Bell. Really hot. Yeah. Malibu Sands, Bayside. Where are we talking?

It was at my local pool club. Interesting. Yes. It was at the High Lane Club. And I was sort of like looking between Zach and Kelly. Mark Paul Gossley. Yeah. Gossley.

He's not French. Gossley. Gossley. And Tiffany Amber Thieson. Tiffany Amber Thierry-Henry. Yeah. And I had, and I was like, this, you can make a choice. You either get to like have sex with Mark Paul Gossley or Tiffany Amber Thieson.

Yeah. And I chose Tiffany Amber Thieson, but I, we didn't actually have sex. I sort of just humped the pool jet, which was something I was doing at the club anyway. You woke up sort of fucking a car. Right. Yeah. You had slept, walked. I fell asleep in the pool actually.

I was fucking the gas tank. But that was my psyche rather than having sex with Kelly Kopowski, went into a pool and fucked a jet near her. That's cool. That was as hot as it got. So what I'm saying is that I think that this is normal sex dream. You can't control what you're dreaming. And I don't think you need to talk to a therapist.

But I could be wrong. So round of applause if I'm right. They would have clapped at anything. Yeah. And I won't take another. I think that's everything. Those are the only options. Would you say nocturnal emission accomplished?

That's good. Let's move on to the next question. But first, I want to hear about the first time you nutted in your sheets. I also remember it was an actor from a TV show called Head of the Class. I forget her name. Denise, I think. And I don't know. Now that you've inceptioned me, I also want to say it was in your bed or some shit.

But I remember thinking that I'd urinated myself. I pissed my pants basically. It was that much. It was that viscous. I served out of my room to school that day. I looked like a fruit punch mascot. Just fucking... Yeah, it was that red, too.

Absolutely. Mom opened the door. It was like a serial commercial. BOOM! Oh! Clap if you agree with me. Clap if that's hot. I would agree.

I would agree. Yeah. I think that was my first... I did that before doing it myself. Before masturbating? Let this fucking... Let me access to this guy's libido. He's not gonna fucking do it.

Don't ever do it. Watch this! D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. Hands free. He's too obsessed with Mario. We have to just make him come at night when he's not thinking. Now! Go, go, go! I pissed myself.

Oh, great. We wasted it, and he didn't even come... It was another 10 years before you realized what masturbating was. More or less, yeah. Okay, next question. I think we all agree you shouldn't talk to anyone about this ever again. Oh, this guy's in the Navy. General cleanliness.

Oh, nice. General cleanliness. That's my intellectual property. Yeah. You ended up doing nothing with it. I'm rich from it, actually. Yeah. General... Just licensed to a TV show in China.

General cleanliness writes, Here's my dilemma. I'm currently in the Navy and serving on a destroyer in Virginia. It's fucking battleship. Destroyer is the one that's only two. Virginia, that's the best place you can be on a ship. That's really cool. Real far from the action.

Yeah, if we ever attack Maryland, I guess he's just right there. This guy's gonna kick my ass. I need to cut that joke out. In the Navy, we have this thing called duty. He's just dumbing it down for us. Yeah, I know. Which for my ship means that about once a week, me and the other people in my duty section are stuck on the ship

for at least 24 hours in case of fires and for security reasons. That includes some... Security reasons in Virginia? I think the ship's fine. He's gonna kick my ass, too. I just wanted us to get it together. We're in this together now. That includes some watches where we get fully armed with guns

and bulletproof vests and shit. Wow. Yeah, it seems excessive, but go on. A little over a month ago, this girl in my duty section, who I've been half-heartedly flirting with, pulled me aside and asked me to help her with something. Whoa. This takes me to another sex dream I had, actually.

Yeah, dude. Would love to watch this on Snap. Fucking ball my eyes out. The fucking admiral. I thought I was going to be something... I thought it was going to be something work-related, but she led me to this small office in the back of the ship that her division owns and asked me to give her a massage.

Nice. She said that the vests were fucking up her back. That she really needed some relief. Oh, really nice. So far, this is a porn. Not sure why, but I gave her a massage when we started talking. She opened up about her life and shit. Not sure why.

One thing led to another. The idea of why I did it, aside from she asked. Now I know her fucking aspirations. This sort of, however, became a regular thing where now every duty day, once everyone is not on duty leaves, she'll ask me for a massage and we'll talk or listen to music or watch shows on her phone. Sorry, they're supposed to be guarding the ship.

They have guns and bulletproof vests. Just in case there's a fire. Anyway, we're going to watch the office and I'll rub your lumbar. You're Dundar. She started leaning back during the massages and laying on my chest. We're hugging my arm while we watch shows. And up till now, where we kind of just full-blown cuddle at work. Yesterday, she even fell asleep with her head on my lap.

While you're supposed to be guarding this ship. Nice. Let's get this guy dishonorably discharged. I have proof, Your Honor. I have his email address. We were attacked that day. His name is General Clinton. What are you doing to me?

Well, my being arrested for this. The problem is this shit's weird, right? Like casual cuddling. Is that even a thing? My reasoning right now is that I'm fine with casual sex and this isn't that different. But this feels like a surefire way for someone to catch feelings. Plus, the fact that she's actively going on dates and shit with guys makes this seem even weirder for me.

She's not in anything serious by any means, but it still feels wrong and we don't really talk outside the ship and I don't really know if we should since, again, I'm not at all looking for a relationship. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, y'all, General Cleanliness. Congratulations. Thank you to General Cleanliness. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two-minute,

honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't sleep for the better part of a decade. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great. Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test.

That's right, and if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Come on. Yes, this is their best offer yet, and no, it won't last long with Helix.

The better sleep starts now. Now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium, or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference. And they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com.

That's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace

because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data.

You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life

and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website

or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you, free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Shit gets weird at sea, you know.

I for one call for a military tribunal. What? Yeah. There's no way. Yeah, I think so. I can't believe you would do that. I think so. I think we have to convene a fucking military tribunal.

You're going to mutinate. Yeah. It's a coup. Ultimately. It's a coup d'etat. And you got this guy dishonorably discharged from serving for what? Cuddling a woman while they watch the office

instead of being on active duty. He's getting voluntarily cucked on this shit. He is. It's not illegal. His whole courtroom is out of order. They're in love. No. Obviously.

No. You don't cuddle with just any friend. That means something. Especially the head falling asleep on the lap. Yeah, that's comfort. Yeah. That's comfort. But you're dating other guys.

And the massage. Massage. You can't massage and not, you know, something that rhymes with massage. Lovage. You mean falling in love. Yeah, lavage. Exactly right.

I think, I don't know why he's denying feelings. Maybe he's afraid of getting hurt, unfortunately. He's half-heartedly flirting. Yeah. He's like, she's fucking talking to me about her life and shit. Whatever. Yeah, she's going to bed. Okay.

What if your dad do her some shit? Oh, the ship's on fire. But it'll, it's in water. It'll put itself out. Oh, it's Chris Red. Oh my God. Hey. Good man.

Great man. We would have introduced you. Wow. Hey. Wow. That's a cool move. That's a cool move. Walking on stage with a chair.

He had something to say about the chair. I didn't trust it at all. The chair? No, the stage manager was like, just walk out there with a chair. And I was like, she also gave me some fishy advice earlier. So I didn't know if it was me or just a sort of a, the status quo for the theater here.

No, I think they just really, you know, they're chill. They're like, yo, we chill as fuck. Grab a chair. Go on stage. Come on, too. Don't get any ideas, you guys. Yeah, no, I'll kick you.

Air Canada's trash, though. Yeah. Yo, like, fuck them niggas, bro. Hey, they got a three year old baby operating the bridge, you know, the bridge that you get off the airplane. This nigga's just like, nigga, practice at home. Bitch, will you find somebody that can do this? It took us a while to get off the plane.

And then there was a long line that we fortunately didn't have to stay in. Maybe you did have to stay in that long line. Why did you have to, what long line? I think it was to connect to different flights. But it seemed like a four and a half mile long flight. What time was your flight supposed to land? Oh, oh, 345.

OK. That's not bad. I just got here, nigga. I'm not supposed to be wearing a long chain here. This is not a comedy chain. I don't know. That's a good chain. That's just a travel chain?

This is a, yeah. No, this is because I was rapping before comedy, so I'm living my rapper drink. That's really cool. I have a casio, so that's kind of like. I like that. It's almost casino. Yeah.

Thanks, man. Did you bring your bags here? You came straight from the airport? Yeah. Well, there's a white man in a car that got my bags. Yeah, the Lyft is still running. Yeah, he's cool. Just keep the meter running.

I'll be on stage in like four minutes. His name is Tim. He looks like an Alex Stowe, and I don't know how to settle that in my mind. Is it Tim Horton? Is it Tim Horton? No, it's not Tim Horton, man. That's a plate.

All right. I thought times were tougher, Timmy Hoes. I don't know if you heard, but this guy was giving someone a massage on a naval ship. Huh. I don't think he did. You ever give someone a massage

and you're just friends or it's always a little bit extra? Oh, have I ever given a massage to a friend on a naval ship? Well, it doesn't have to be a naval ship. It could be a different kind of ship. A yacht. Oh, and this is a friend I'm not fucking?

Yeah, not fucking friend. This is a casual friend with shoulders. A casual massage, and she's dating somebody else or other people, multiple people. Oh, yeah. No. I tend to agree.

Yeah. I kind of feel like that's the advice. Yeah. It's too, it's a sound and a word, and it's all numb. I'm sorry, so you on a naval ship? This isn't me. This is somebody else.

I honestly think it's Jake. I really do. Okay. The whole email read like you're fucking handwriting. It read like you're handwriting. It was one massage. And I meant nothing to me. Bulletproof vest on duty slash deck,

massages hanging out. He doesn't want to catch feels. I fear he already did. Catch feels. He doesn't want to catch feels? Feelings, yeah. Oh, the shoulder bone going to do it? Yeah.

I think he's sort of treading lightly afraid that he'll fall in love with this lady or that she's going to fall in love with him. That's crazy because anybody at Massage I already knew I felt something full. That's right. It's not like I was like, oh, I don't like you at all. Let me just rub your shoulders real fast.

Yeah, it's hard to hate. Oh, I do like you. Let's see where this goes. I hope nowhere romantic. Right. I love with my palms, baby. I love with my palm. That's stupid.

Do you guys ever get, you guys ever get professional massages? All the time. Really? I only, let's go to you. I've only gotten one. You only gotten one massage? Yeah.

And I don't know how professional it was. Naval ship. I'm telling you, this guy. There's an officer on deck. You want to know if I wrote the question? You wrote the truth. You can't handle the truth. How are your massages?

You're a pro massage then if you've gotten multiple. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm always traveling and touring and shit. And I was like, you know, now I've been touring for 14 years and I only, she's made money for three of them. Yeah. So I've been treating myself like I get nicer hotels. Massages when my shit hurts, you know what I mean?

And it's good. I like it. Yeah. Are you going to get one here? Oh. Because I can do it. We just go to my base. No ship.

Okay. It's not romantic. So you have a base? Do you live here? I am docked nearby. All right. This guy's in too deep. Let's ask this next person who has a question.

And it's actually kind of tangentially related. I think this is from a lady. No. Sorry. This is from another dude. Chris, we need to give this dude a fake name basically. Just like any name really, it could be any name that we can call this guy because we don't want to blow up his spot.

Okay. P man. That's really good. P as in peace, black eyed peas, not P as in urine. Oh, okay. So get your mind out of the gutters. Yeah, man. Y'all look gross.

Disgusting. Anyway, P P man writes. Yes. That's two P's. Second P stands for P P. You ever had P P and P's? Ooh. I just had to.

Anyway. Should we say your credits? We didn't say you're on SNL or anything like that. No. I'm, I'm. Okay. Also, also in lonely and horny, I don't know if you guys saw that. Yes.

Yeah. These guys gave me my first job and I had to be on set pretending I wasn't broke. You know what I mean? I think we were all doing that. I think Lauren saw that and was like, holy shit, who's that guy? Yeah, they were like, yo, get the lonely and horny dude. Yes. I think that's why he was cast five years after being in like.

Probably because it's a long process. He also wanted me to grow, you know, emotionally. Oh smart. Yeah. That's why I'll never be there. All right. PP man writes, my problem is understandable to be sure, but causes me off and on. Passionate love slash heart wrenching pain.

So I'd love for you guys to weigh in. Maybe that's how you start this off and on heart wrenching pain. Yeah. About a week ago, my girlfriend of almost four years and I broke up. This guy writes in a very peculiar way and I can't grammatically put my finger. He writes like he's inside of a sitcom. I was stuck forever. It was mutual.

Blah, blah, blah. It doesn't matter. We still live together. Terrible, but not the issue. Why you say blah, blah, blah? Just don't say it. Blah, blah, blah. We live together.

It's terrible, but that's not the issue. That's not what he's writing in it. No, that's where the scenario is not what he's writing in. No, okay. That man debates the mirror more often than not. My concern is with a petite little vixen that I gave my heart in a gift wrapped box. I'm so glad this woman left this man so she wouldn't get murdered. Well, she's still mine.

They live together. I've loved women my whole life. I've never caught a woman of vixen. That's insane. Hey, my vixen. I give you my heart in a box and I need it back. I work from home and this girl is my coworker all the way on the east coast. I'm in the Midwest.

Shout out to Chicago. Hey. What started out as a friendly messaging quickly went from a virtual happy hour getting to know each other and finally last night getting drunk on FaceTime naked and anything but afraid. Oh, God. The pros. I hate this man with all my heart.

Oh, I hate how he tells stories. I'm naked on FaceTime. Nigga, you in your house. Buy yourself. You're not brave. Well, his ex girlfriend is living with him. That's kind of that. Yeah.

He is living with his ex. It's kind of a baller move. She's just in the background. He's a serial. He's our hero. He was naked. She was not. They were on FaceTime.

That's right. That's right. Virtual background. He's in prison. She's like, put on some clothes. I'm naked on FaceTime. I'm naked on FaceTime. I'm naked on FaceTime.

I'm naked on FaceTime. I'm naked on FaceTime. Nigga, you in your house. Buy yourself. You're not brave. Well, his ex girlfriend is living with him. That's kind of that. Everyone can see you.

Sorry. I'll let you finish reading this, man. Honestly, I was going to be a pimp and just use her for attention. Oh. But I'm too sensitive for that shit. And I care about her deeply by now. Also, she has a long-term navy hero boyfriend. So, his first reason was because he was going to be a pimp.

Where in Narnia, nigga? Not the boyfriend, not the naval boyfriend. You were massaging on the ship. I had nothing to do with that guy. Different guy, I think, but I hope not. It's possible. I don't judge. The guy I massaged on the boat.

What do I do? Should I cut this cheating she-witch out of my life? Cheating. Should I just say screw it and get a plane ticket for a weekend fuckfest? Is it possible to ride the line and not get any more attached, but still have fun with this sexy secret? I'm clueless and a big fan of you guys. Thanks a bunch.

Love. P-Man. P-Man. Let's give it up for P-Man. This man, this man P-Man got more nicknames for his girl than Pete Diddy has for himself. He had a drunken naked FaceTime over Zoom with a co-worker that he's never met before.

Yeah. He lives with his girlfriend, ex-girlfriend. At the time. Ex-girlfriend. And she has a boyfriend in the Navy, who I think has to do weekly little trips slash trists to massage style. Yeah.

I'm sort of weaving it all together into one mega story, even though it might not be. I'm just trying to figure out how this is an elegant harassment. Mmm. Yeah. How is it elegant? Just by the way, he's typing. Yeah.

He's trying to be elegant. He is not. It's prosy for sure. Yeah. He says that he's a sensitive guy, so he doesn't want to just... Michael, let's go fix it. I'm sorry.

No, please. No, I had nothing to do, but troll this man. I would like to... His multiple choices are all bad. Mmm. He ended with three options. Yeah. One is...

A weekend fuckfest. A weekend fuckfest. That's the only one I remember. Where were the other two? The other one was... continue to ride the wave. Yeah. Which I think is the same option.

Yeah. We'll just maybe keep it over zero. And the third one was walking to the sea. Oh. I will actually... That one. That one. And then the Navy rescues him.

And then they have a heart to heart, you know what I mean? The boyfriend has to give a mouth to mouth or something. It seems like a sticky situation. I'm afraid that this whole relationship is fraught. I mean, it's a co-worker. Yeah. He's still living with an ex. Yeah.

She still has a boy. Yeah, he should go outside and meet people. Interesting. Yeah, not to mention the whole long distance thing I'm not a fan of. Yeah, that's just the fourth most annoying thing. The reason that it's not going to work out between the two. Or he could fly there and have a real conversation and then leave it where it is. Interesting.

Very interesting. If he's a pimp. I want it to be a pimp and use her for attention. But damn this heart. I know pimps with families, Nick. What are you talking about? But how are their hearts? Golden, golden hearts of gold.

These pimps. Too sensitive. I'm sorry. I think this guy should just sort of... He should move out. That's for sure. You don't want to live with an ex. Have you ever broken up with someone that you live with and then they just carries on like that?

No. That question would involve my life being way better. It's too soon. I didn't live with people. I just crashed on couches. I see. And when you do that, you don't have real rights in the house. No.

Quick. You leave quick. Yeah, you ever bring a girl home when you live on the couch? No, not the room. Or that one either. No, we just watching a movie. Like, let's take it to the bedroom. We already there, shorty.

Strap it. This seat tastes like butt. Why are you licking it? That's weird. Anyway. Bark a lounger? Is that what that was? That's just every chair I've known.

It just kind of wobbles a little bit. Yeah. I thought that was you on Air Canada, the business class. Oh, no. There's no seat. I just do that. It's an abacus. It's kicking.

Yeah. You're pantomiming for her. All right. Here's another question. This guy seems to be in a marriage that, well, you'll see. That's called the teaser cliffhanger. Oh. Sort of keeps the people interested so they want to hear about the question.

That's crazy. That's like watching a movie and seeing the trailer right as it starts. Director's commentary during the show. You in the hat. Why don't you give this guy Jesus, man? Get out of here. But as you leave, give us a name, a gift that we can use while you're gone. Do you have a general Gerald, but it's with a T instead of a D at the end.

Geralt's like the Witcher or do you Gerald's with the softer G. You do have to leave. Hey, man, any name that makes me feel like I misspelled it every time. That's unfortunate. Yeah. Gerald. I usually don't ask for advice because I can handle my own sticky situations. Wow.

Yeah. I generally lead a drama and suck a free life. Did he say suck it with the A? It's with an A. Oh, shit. I really feel like the situation is going to be insane. Yeah, it's going to be suck a filled, I bet. Having said that, I'm in a sticky situation that requires your advice.

I'm in my late twenties and I've been married for half a decade. Whoa. She's my high school sweetheart. Oh. Yes, that's right. Oh my God is right. We've been going through some rough waters lately and we haven't spoken face to face in a week. No, do they live on a boat?

Did we say that this guy's in the Navy? He mentions it later. It's mainly my fault. She feels that I don't give her attention. I will admit, I come home sometimes late after drinking with buddies. I would invite her, but she's a Buzz Killington McGee. She's a Buzz kill? Buzz Killington McGee.

It's sort of similar. A Buzz Killington McGee? Yes. So you know this guy's hilarious and she, yeah, can be weird. The next line is she says things that make my friends look at each other awkwardly. Kind of like what he just did with Buzz Killington McGee. Except I looked at y'all and then the black community. Since she has a few friends who she can go out with, sometimes she tags along.

The current week of silence started with her not coming at home at all for three days. Oh. I think she was house sitting for her parents, but I don't even know for sure. I texted her asking if she was okay, but I only got a short answer. Yeah. You? I think this is drama filled. Yeah, man.

It seems like drama to the girls. She's home now, but there's an awkward silence. Of course. Thankfully, we have different work schedules and I sleep while she's at work. Thankfully. That's not. Thankfully, we haven't been able to talk about it. I don't think I want to have kids with someone that will just ignore problems and let them

build up. He just shot the kids. The person he's talking about is himself. I don't give her any grief when she comes home late, although it's less frequent. Is this thing over? What would you do if you were I love Gerald with a T at the end? Let's give it up for Gerald. He's going through.

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Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. She misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

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Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. I just feel bad this guy's married to such a wet blanket. Yeah. Buzz Killington McGee. I mean, damn. I don't know, man. Oh, really? It seems like she's giving this nigga several, several warnings.

And outs, really. She's not coming home for three days at a time. Well, that's her fed up and like, well, fine, I'm going to go out. Yeah, exactly. And everybody who dates women know they can do whatever you trying to do better than you. Yeah. More slick than you, you know what I'm saying? He should chill out and hug her.

This might be, that's actually really good advice because she'd be like, oh, oh my God, what's going on? He'd be like, attention, you know? I wonder if this is a problem with the marrying your high school sweetheart at age 23 and then realizing at age 29 that that might not have been the best idea. Yeah. Well, my parents were high school sweethearts. They, I mean, my dad really married up.

Yeah. So beard hair. Yeah. No, my mom's like way hotter than my dad. Yeah. Cooler than him. What an interesting childhood. Yeah.

For sure. Did he have like a glow up since where it's like now he's not had a glow down. Whoa. Interesting. He dimmed. My dad is a dimmer switch in high school when they were starting in high school. High school, he was a troll and he's since become a treasure troll. Hey, that's good.

That's good. Oh, but like smaller, bejeweled for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So just shinier now, but ultimately still a bad guy. He was, he was a gourd. Now he's a peanut is what I would. Interesting.

He went from a pumpkin to a legume. He was a Brazil nut. Now he's an almond. He's one almond. My dad is one almond. Your mom. Smoke show dime saint. Yeah.

Hot and nice, you think. So hot. And a 10. 10. Perfect 10. Chris, have you met Jake's parents? I forgot to ask. Nah, man, but I'm really looking forward to being your mama.

She's at the show. I travel with her. Mommy. Did you have any high school sweethearts at your school that just ended up getting married at age 20? And you're like, whoa, we're still in college. And now they're together. No, I was, I was chasing.

I was a failed rapper in high schools. So that's not like, That was your vibe. Yeah. That doesn't like bring in the women. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Specifically.

I still got them. Do you remember any of your, Do you remember any of your lyrics from high school? Oh, I mean, yeah, a lot of them. And none of them at the same time. Can I hear one bar? Will you, will you perform? Perform.

It has to be my song or rap. Oh, I remember what I had just had to remember this for something else. But I get the first line on my 10 year old rap. Like this is this rap I wrote when I was 10 years old. Oh, wow. It goes, I love you. You love me. I killed Barney with an M16.

Rock cat, cat, cat, cat. Clean your own room, bitch. That was the first. I was very, I was very angry at Barney, man. I feel like a famous rap song would sample Barney in 2002 or something. I don't know how they haven't done. Yeah. Especially in the purple era.

I actually, You did high school rapping as well. I didn't do the, For your Jewish middle school. Did you do high school rapping as well? I didn't do a high school rap, but I remember when I was in elementary school, I think I told this story on the show once where I,

I was like eight and my oldest brother was 16 and had friends over at my parents house while they were away. And I'm like upstairs playing whatever. Super Mario 3. I'm like, I just came up with a rap. I have to go down there and get a glass of water and just fucking say this line. Cause I have a really strong inclination that a 16 year old girl would be like,

Whoa. Who invited this awesome eight year old? And the line, I don't know the full line, but the rhyming part was, my dad's an OBGYN is the backstory. So the line I had in my head as an eight year old is, my dad's a gyno, you're a rhino.

Which wasn't an insult at the time, nor since, but I'm like, Holy shit. I just came up with that rhyme and A on an insult. So I'm just like downstairs. They're all, you know, drinking beer doing cool teenagers stuff. And I'm just like eight years old. I'll be like, my dad's a gyno.

You're a rhino. Looking around. I got a head that night, Chris. No, you didn't. Did you really? Everything except for the blow job part was right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense.

Hey, man. Hey, I'm glad you shared that personal story though. I'm sorry I did too. No, man, being a kid and trying to perform for girls was like, fucking nerve wrecking. I did it, I did it before. I didn't write, I didn't rap. I mean, I did rap to several girls, but it went well.

But I tried to sing, Tevin Campbell's, can I talk to you to a girl that came over my house after church? Wow. That I had a crush on one. And we were playing Mario Kart. And then, and then I was like, hey, I got something to show you.

She's like, okay, never broke. Rainbow Road. Yeah. So I just tried to avoid the banana peels though. And I was like, have you, have you heard Tevin Campbell's, can I talk to you? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, have you heard it like this?

And then I pushed the tape and it didn't work right away. Of course. So I was just like, like, did, or did it started playing in it? So I went into it and I'm just doing moves. Yeah. How old are you? Oh man.

Smooth nine. A shiny nine. Yeah. Either nine or 11. One of those two. Definitely not 10. Definitely not 10. No, no.

This wouldn't have happened. Yeah, I wasn't fucking with, it was definitely 11 because I wasn't fucking with girls until 10. That's right. I was like, hey, at the end of 10, until 11, I'm like, you know what I'm saying?

So I finished performing and she was like, so you want to come play now? Sorry, because it's battle mode and I'm down to one balloon. And I took the blazer off. I had on. And I just sat there like,

I didn't follow up. Nick, I wasn't smooth. I was 11 years old. I was like, you want a pop tart? She's like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, she's mine. I should have opened pop tarts. Idiot. Fuck.

Okay. I've completely lost train of thought. This man needs a divorce. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He had so much confidence at the top of it. Yeah.

I think he's the bad guy. I think he is the problem. Oh, he is the problem for sure. And she's probably cheating already. Yeah. I think he's already gotten a divorce by the time this email came in. He hit send and she's like,

it's over between us. Three days. She was gone for three days. Are you okay? I'm amazing. Never better you or he could probably just take her on like a nice little trip and they can have a heart to heart see where they are as people because they have evolved

maybe five or six times since high school. So they can come to a, you know, I'm saying like a reasonable decision, but he won't do that. No. God, no. A trip with a performance where she divorces him. That's cool. Yeah, would be perfect.

Ideal. But yeah, any separation will do at this point. Um, all right. We got one last question about Broadway drama. That's it. Yeah. Broadway drama. Broadway drama.

Um, Jake, what about you? You have a Broadway themed name for this guy. Um, yeah. Yeah, I do. Little orphan fucking Annie. You thought that I couldn't think of a Broadway show? No. But I probably just came over.

Oklahoma. Oklahoma is another one. Yeah. Little orphan Annie. Who's a guy? Right. Fine. Daddy war bucks.

That's good. Daddy war bucks. I'm facing a personal dilemma that I think both of you might be able to provide some help with. My girlfriend and I live in New York. Right off the bat. Hell yeah. Yeah.

We knew that one of us about Broadway, right? I play guitars for a couple of shows on Broadway and she's an actress. She's an absolute dime piece. Oh, well, wait. Oh, is he, is he writing this from the nineties? Yeah. This is an old email, but not nineties old.

She's an absolute dime piece who I fell in love with all my heart and want to marry someday. Here is where the problem begins as very talented and beautiful actresses often do. She has cast and roles where she has to kiss another man on stage during the show. So hot. This is obviously just part of the job.

And because I also work in theater, I can wrap my head around it more than someone who doesn't. The issue for me, the issue for me in a past serious relationship, I was cheated on multiple times, gaslit and ultimately very hurt. Yeah. It was in the Navy. In the Navy. Because of this, I can't help but get scared.

I'm going to be cheated on every single time she has to kiss someone new, no matter how much I trust her. She knows of my history and knows what I truly believe she is doing. Nothing wrong by this, by being part of her job. How do I not let fear get in the way of being hurt again while she is kissing hot actors on stage each and every night? Your wisdom you can provide would be great. Thank you so much, love.

Well, first of all, Daddy Warbucks. First of all, Daddy Warbucks. Just like American Airlines, they can check your baggage. Nice. Don't bring your baggage into a new situation, dog. Nice. Your ex, she was an asshole. She acted like an asshole because she is.

Your current, I don't know why I call her current. Your current is acting, nigga. So, know the difference. Have you smooched? You're on stage and screen at this point. Yeah. And anything there, chemistry-wise, or it doesn't mean anything? I mean, it depends on who you're talking about.

Right. Yeah. I mean, there's chemistry and shit. Like, you know, going there like, yeah, later I'm a fuck. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I don't do that. Can you ask them?

We've seen history that has happened. That's right. Brad Pitt. Angelina Jolene. Yeah, but it's also uncomfortable, man. You're like, it's a thousand motherfuckers in a room. You know what I'm saying? It's not about the kiss.

It's about the rehearsal. Oh, I see. It's about the after the show. It's about the bonding. She's definitely going to fuck the guy. Yeah. The fucking the stage manager, the director, anyone but you is what I'm saying. Because he's in a guitar and a pit off the side of the stage.

Yeah. What are you fucking riffing? Tomorrow, tomorrow. Like, dude, you're nothing. Dude, you're nothing. Oh, wow. That was awesome. I never thought you'd be that cool.

Yeah. I never thought you'd be that hot or kissing Broadway style, but like 400 times in a year or doing like one sex scene in a movie. What's more dangerous to fall in love with someone? Because Broadway kisses are very like superficial, but you're right. You have to do it every single night. I think filming something is more intimate. Because you have to like literally.

Yeah, man. My shit was in a bag. You know what I'm saying? I did a sex scene. They just put this bag over my shit. And I was like, okay. Wow. That shit man, enter me.

Dog in front of a bunch of people with cameras and shit. And just one dude picking his nose and he was weird. Sorry about that. Yeah. I was like, turn around. He was like, no. And that was it. This is awesome, Chris.

I had to get naked and lonely and horny, but it wasn't for a sex scene. It was for VR porn. You were fucking a flashlight. Yeah, I was fucking a flashlight. So it did feel less hot because I was sort of being embarrassed. You were fully nude that day. They gave them your what was called the modesty sock. A cock sock.

Which is just kind of putting your nuts into a little like Easter egg. It's the equivalent of wearing a condom. It's almost worse than being naked. Your nuts were out most of the day. Yes. My balls were exposed on the day. It's like a dick bindle. Yes, exactly.

Without the stick. Bindle. Well, your dick is the stick. Yeah. The stick is the bindle and the dick. It doesn't work that well. Yeah. And it's all weird because again, like you have to pantomime, you know,

something very meaningful and real. And there's a guy being like action cut. So it doesn't mean that much. But at the same time, if you were holding a guitar, watching your girlfriend do it, seven nights, eight nights a week, however much it works on Broadway. Yeah. It starts to wear on you like slow water torture. Especially if like Chris is saying the guy has baggage to begin with.

Yeah. This sounds like his baggage and some insecurities you put in check. But if they're in the same place and they have a connection, they can talk about it. It shouldn't be a fucking problem. Do you feel like when I said you're nothing to him, that it was bad for the whole baggage? He was like, you're right.

Yeah. He turned the show off then. Yeah. That was probably not the best thing for his ego. But he'll be all right. I hope. I don't know. He'll always have his guitar.

Yeah. This is him sort of, what's that movie where he's holding a fucking boombox and he's trying to say anything. Yeah. Say anything. But she's having sex with a guy and he's playing an electric guitar that's not plugged into any amp. Dang.

But he didn't say there's no any connection with the two actors and shit. No, not necessarily. I mean, sometimes there is. Sometimes fake feelings lead to real ones. But I think you were right about him being sort of letting the past relationships influence his future relationships. Yeah. It's unfortunate.

Yeah. That fight is not going to go well. Yes. Exactly. I need you to stop kissing your coworkers when you're supposed to kiss. Yeah. The thing to do in this situation is always, as I say, just preemptively cheat. Interesting.

How does that work? Because, well, how could your heart be broken if you did the breaking of it? Interesting. So you beat Earth to the pun. Yeah. So you, you know, the show's going on. They're doing whatever other famous Annie song. It's a hard knock like.

Yep. For us. And then he comes on guitar for you and then he dips one of the other little orphans. What? Play a child actor? No, no, no. It's played by an adult or something. No, I really don't think so.

Yeah, it is. What about another musician in the pit? It has to happen on stage. Yeah. No, my boy should piggybacking on your logic. My boy, my boy in rehearsals. Okay. The man should bring his guitar with a chick willing to kiss him.

That's cool. And then while they read lines, he's just like, wow, how that feel? You know what I mean? That's good. And she's like, this is a rehearsal you bought. You hired, I guess, somebody off Craigslist to kiss you. I mean, they're sex workers that night on Craigslist. And I'm not shaming them.

That's a record show. You also said the kissing a child actor thing. No, that was Jake. No, it was not. That's a tourney. That is a tourney. The first live tourney. My God.

Sorry. There's an award for shittiness in podcasting that we give out during the show. You've given out every award on the show. I've gotten a tourney, which is a piece of shit on a plaque. And Jake wins an award every episode. There's a one called a golden Mike, and that's for excellence in podcasting. Yeah. So this episode, it's always up for grabs equally.

This episode, you just earned the tourney by talking about child molestation, which is never really uncouth. Oh, shit. And I'm called for the golden might will be shared by me and Chris Red. Of course, for the preemptive cheating advice that you failed to think of. Hey, attorney McGee, see how dumb that sounds? Chris, what other shows are you doing here? Where can people watch more of you live?

Man, I wish I knew. It's on the website. Yeah, it's on the website. I'm sorry. I really, I really am not trying to be funny about it. I just got here and I haven't looked at the schedule at all. I mean, you landed four minutes ago. I'm Chris at the Air Canada Lounge.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be performing there. I'll be performing angry motherfucker tired of this shit. It's a monologue. No, I think, but all my shows at 9 30 and midnight about every day this week. And I have one at midnight tonight. Yeah.

Jake and I have one tomorrow at one in the afternoon. Yeah. Is that prime comedy time would you say? Man, you want people to just sort of be eating a sandwich during your set, right? Yeah. I want somebody to be like, do I want pancakes or do I want chicken? Yeah. I don't know.

After the show, I might get a coffee. I like, I like, I like when like, you know, a crowd is walking out of a dark room into blinding fucking sunlight and realizing there's so much day left. I mean, you've done stand-up for 14 years. I'm sure you've had a insane time and location, right? Does anything pop out to you? Yeah. I mean, the first five years, but one that sticks out specifically was like my second

year touring doing stand-up. And no one knew who the fuck I was. So I was doing a show in San Diego. I had never been to San Diego. I had never heard of me. I thought you were going to say that. Like who the fuck is that? Looking in a mirror?

Yeah. Like Chris Red. I thought I was going next. But it was San Diego. It was called the American Comedy Company. It was the club. I walked in and it was six motherfuckers for the whole show. I had no opener because why would I have one?

And it was me and these six motherfuckers. And when I tell you, we're still Facebook friends. I got to know that whole life, man. Still Facebook friends. They always hit me up. You still doing shows? Bitch, it's my career. But they saw me when it could go either way.

You know what I'm saying? Either he's going to be real good at this, or he's going to be in Burger King. Holy shit. All right. So you guys can see Chris Red. And I guess us tomorrow at 1.30 in the afternoon. But thank you guys so much for coming to this show specifically.

It's been a while. Thank you. Thank y'all for having me. All right. Thanks so much everybody. Thanks again to Chris. Goodbye. I'm sure the stunner don't you know

I wish we could stay Cause now that your boyfriend graduated I guess he's a freshman all over again So happy birthday so belated Maybe now we can be more than friends We rule this school now let's go hornets Let's hold a pep rally for your heart We losers far city lovers

I knew I liked you from the start Freshman year I met you