If I Were You - 557: Swashbuckler

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

In this episode we discuss todah's, tattoos, and teenage Jews. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a hip-gum original. That's not bad. You made a new hand gesture. Yeah, I mean it's not that's not rocking out. It's kind of like the wolf shadow puppet hand gesture maybe or something. It's interesting. So if you're watching, you can watch this on YouTube. We're recording the zoom of our interaction so you can actually see what's going on here. I'm sort of doing the hang loose but I'm also adding the ring finger. It's the shaka with the ring. I like it. It's still three fingers like the shaka but it's the thumb, it's the ring and it's the pinky. Can I get three of those tall boys right here? Your hands are crazy. This is what my ring finger has to look like if I have these two fingers down. On my left, I also can't do that but on my right, I can go full inline parallel for whatever reason. That's really impressive. That's really cool. I can't get that anywhere.

No. Yeah, that's like, I think because you probably masturbate too much, right? That's unrelated to the hand. Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm changing the topic. I think we need to talk to you about something. I think you also. Because you don't masturbate at all. No, and look how fucking foreign perfect. I mean, I've reached full, I don't know what you call this, the triple kiss or whatever the fuck, but it's full interlocking. And you can't, sorry, unrelated or maybe you can't get erect, right? You can't get erect. Is that why you don't masturbate? I just know, I remember hearing. I actually can't get hard on. I'm in a constant state of having a semi. So you can't get fully flaccid either. I'm half masked and at half past every single fucking half hour on the half hour. Amazing. It absolutely sucks. Slash Stux. Oh, we forgot to say who actually wrote that song. Oh, okay. It's by Chris in Cardiff Wales who says at around the 10 minute mark of episode 525, Amir requested a song to be written and submitted about how you can only appreciate food after a toothache.

That doesn't sound like me. God, you're boring. That's not, that's actually really interesting. You can only appreciate, people should make a song about that. You can only appreciate. They just did. Someone just did that. Hopefully you can shout out my SoundCloud slash Insta. You just search Pig Fights a Lion in both to find me. So on SoundCloud and Insta you search Pig Fights a Lion and you find him? Pig Fights a Lion. I see. I see. Yeah. I've started to make fully realized demos of what will hopefully be a debut album. It's currently 15 or so years in the making. Hopefully I get around to actually recording properly one day. Thanks guys. Hope you dig this one. If you do, I'll send some more. Send some more, Chris. Send some more. Shout out. I loved it. I loved it. I mean, you realize how hard it is to make songs. You're a recording artist at this point. You have two in the can and online. Yeah. I'm in a band so I get it. I do get it. Do you know what song three is yet or is that still a work in progress? No, we've been talking about it. I owe Gareth some lyrics. I haven't had a free moment lately. But yeah, I think I pitched this one last time, but just to put it at the top of your mind being hung over at your SATs. So like you show up kind of dehydrated having to do quantitative comparisons and there's lots of jokes to be had there.

All right. I wrote it down. I wrote down hung over at the SATs. Yeah, because I remember a lot of cool kids complaining about that. Maybe the lead singer could be lying about it to try to impress someone. Right. The last song we wrote, he's kind of pretending that he likes alcohol. This guy's pretty insecure, it seems. Yeah, because they're all coming from my high school, which is when I, you know, sort of felt lesser than uncool uncouth. That's right. That's right. Different slash. Yeah. My vast deference was deferential. I just felt like I was not part of the cool kids and that's what I want to come through your music for me. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think that's like kind of a formative through line in my schooling era. Like I switched schools twice at probably the worst possible time. Which is what? In between 10th and 11th grade. In between, yes, I did in between 10th and 11th grade and I also did in between 6th and 7th grade. So the last year or the first, after the first year of middle school. Yeah. And unfortunately I went from a school system in Hamden, which graduated at sixth grade and then middle school was seventh and eighth and then high school was nine, 10, 11, 12. Yeah. But in North Haven, the system was middle school, six, seven, eight. So I basically came in right in the middle of middle school. The in between. The worst time to do it. Yeah. Yeah. So like finally broke through, had cool friends in elementary school. We go to middle school, but I'm starting fresh, brand new town. It takes me about four years to make friends, feel comfortable in my own skin and then boom, new school, junior year.

Pulled. And then, yeah. And then famously I never spent more than a year in college, in, you know, per college. Yeah. So really the last time you felt fine was like sixth grade. I mean, I think, yeah, I think there's a reason that I stayed at college humor for 10 years. Because that was your school. I needed stability. I needed a friend group I could rely on. Yeah. So that's what I'm drawing on when I write my pop punk emo songs. Did I tell you that I found an old message board I used to post to in 1999? So I have like a full record of hundreds of posts I made to this message board that I just found. No, that's insane. What is the message board? What year is it? So do you remember like AOL had access to like, it was called Usanet and it's just like alt.fans.simpsons, alt.fans.racecars or whatever. Yeah, I used to, I remember I used to post in an offspring chat. Right. So those are still accessible slash online if you can find them.

How? So you use Google groups, archived every alt.fan.whatever, like all these Usanet message boards. And so I found the one I used to post in because I searched my old screen name Bob Rooney and hundreds of messages post came up at alt.fans.conanobrien. So I was like, wait, alt, I want to look at them too. I'll send you this query. Okay, send it to me. I'll send it to the chat. It's great that I don't remember. My screen name used to be milk, but I don't remember the numbers. There's no way.

Oh yeah, I had to have numbers. Yeah, yeah, it was like milk161982, like I don't remember, but it was like four or five numbers. I thought it was like big Jake. Yeah, but that was when I was older, when I finally got AIM. My screen name was Big 38 Jake. Oh my God. So these, this is from 2000. And if you keep scrolling back there from 1999.

Oh my God. This is insane. 255 posts over a year, nearly one a day for a full year of me as Bob Rooney, like trying to get to note people. That's so, so fucking bizarre. Did anybody notice how excited Conan got when she mentioned junk cereal? He's like, ooh, I love junk cereal. I'll know this one for sure. That was just a post I made about me watching Conan or something like that.

That's so, all right. Andy is a porn addict. This is a post. You called me a porn addict. Yeah. I haven't grown in 25 years. You wrote. All right.

Andy is a porn addict to nobody. Some of these have responses. No one responded to this one. Yeah. A lot of them is me trying to get a drum up a dialogue and nobody responding. You're right. Did you guys hear that? He allegedly confessed on late night and he's a prostitute, Bob Rooney.

P.S. That's how rumors get started. So I was just sort of creating a rumor even back then. I guess so. Oh my God. This is so, so funny. This is like the oldest record of me being online. It's kind of fun to see them.

Yeah. So how old were you? All right. I'm trying to scroll back to the earliest one. Here it is. I was 16. I was in the 10th grade that you were eluding to. July 10th.

Wow. 1999. This is so, this makes for bad radio because I'm just reading all your messages. If you're reading this reply with any message you want. All right. So if you're reading this reply with any message you want, whether it be blank or not. I want to see what happens when a certain message is replied to 100 times. Is there enough room?

So please, if some people do it, others will follow. We shall lead the way. Nobody replies. Zero responses. It's like we wrote it. All caps. We shall lead the way because you want to reply to this message. I want to see what happens when something fucking blows the fuck up.

Zero responses. And then you write PS. The funniest in the year 2000 was Uruguay is going to change its name to Uruguay because there's nothing wrong with that. No, it's Uruguay is going to change its name to Uruguay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I see. It was a Seinfeld joke.

Oh my God. Yeah, hundreds of these things. And they're all incredible. Yeah, every single one more viral than the last. Yeah. But yeah, that was 23 years ago and I was posting to these Conan O'Brien fan sites. Oh my God. I have to get these to him.

Not only that. I like finding the ones that you start to have no responses. Or the ones that I reply to, somebody else, and I'm trying to like, yes, and them, but nobody gives a shit. I'm basically trying to be a funny dude in here. Marilee Angleman and W-H-A-R-R having none of it. Yeah, do they? I guess they don't necessarily know that you are 16, huh? Yeah, I just assumed everyone was 16 at the time.

But I guess these could have been adults on the internet. Oh, here we go. On August 18th, 1999, I ranked the funniest shows on TV. Ooh. Number one is The Simpsons. Number two is Friends. Number three is Seinfeld. Number four is The Tom Green Show.

This all adds up so far. What's five? Five is Late Night with Conan O'Brien, of course, because this is the Conan fan site after all. Number six is Top Five. Six is Family Guy, which I didn't realize was around that early. Seven is SNL from 1994. Got it. SNL.

Eight is Just Shoot Me because I was a huge David Spade fan. Yeah, one of your posts is, holy shit, David Spade on Conan. Nine is The Daily Show, which I think is before John Stuart. And number 10 is the NFL on Fox Pre-Game Show, which I think was a joke that I was making. I see, I see. But you know what? Somebody else loves Just Shoot Me and says, David Spade kicks ass, so I wasn't alone here. This is like early internet.

I should find all these people. Where's W.M. Thorne right now? Yeah, Jesus Christ. So can you search like, this is, are you're only searching in conversations in the Conan O'Brien? Yeah, Conan O'Brien. But can you search conversations, all conversations for Bob Rooney in any chat? That's a good question. I don't know.

I was able to search the Conan O'Brien fan one. I wonder if we can find the offspring one you used to post in. Yeah, I mean, I hope not because it was just me trying to cyber with people. And it fucking worked. How cool is that? Yeah, I mean, it often did, but I'm sure I was just cybering with other young boys pretending to be 19-year-olds like I was. All right, let's try to answer a question. This is, if I were you after all, the only advice show on the web hosted by us.

Damn right. Okay, here we go. This one is called Aloha Gentle Ha. Okay. This one is not really a podcast question, right? It's this Hawaiian. Who's a famous Hawaiian lady? Hawaiian lady.

Moana. Moana writes, I love your show and you're both absolute smoke shows. Wow. My friend Alexa and I would quote your sketches in high school. To this day, I still quote, this is an A to B conversation. So see your way out of D room all the way to L. Any hoodie in the blowfish.

I want to get a tat, any hoodie in the blowfish. I want to get a tattoo commemorating your podcast and always remember that there will be someone out there way more fucked up than I am. That dying alone doesn't seem that scary. My question is, would it be all right for a non Jewish, non Hebrew speaking individual like me to get a tattoo of either Toda or what I really want is sees the cheese written in Hebrew. I'm well aware that Google translate as to delightfully given me the grab the cheese, which I mean is close. But if not, I totally understand and I'd love to get something to the remember the podcast. That's not a block of cheese. Mahalo.

Okay. What do you think about that as the as the resident one who's more Jewish than both of us? Well, it seems like tattoos you can get like, you know, that like a Japanese or Chinese character where you don't know what it is, but you just take the people's word for it. Yeah. So it's like, I can approve it and then you can get it. I understand doing it for Toda. I don't understand sees the cheese in Hebrew. That seems like kind of a stretch.

Yeah. It's what's cause the sees the cheese is from the podcast. Yeah. But you don't necessarily want to write sees the cheese on your body. So you have kind of these like Hebrew letters, which look a little cooler. Maybe then, you know, somebody reading it. The thing is people will ask and you'll have to tell them the truth. Yeah.

It's like, if someone's like, oh, that's cool tattoo, what does it mean? You'll have to say that it means sees the cheese, though technically grab the cheese. Yeah. So you might as well just write it in English and they'll be like, why does it say sees the cheese? Skip that awkward first question. Toda, I would go Hebrew sees the cheese. I would not do the Hebrew either translation or even transliteration like Hebrew characters, but saying in English where people do that sometimes too. Interesting.

Yeah. Toda is pretty good because it's like, it's from the podcast, but it's also just thank you, which it's like gratitude. It's gratitude. That's like, that's actually kind of a low key meaningful tattoo. I might get that. Yes. Across the chest. That's pretty cool.

Don't aren't you do for a tattoo of the word every or something? Yeah. And I think did I talk about on this show that I got something called I was maybe going to recommend it as my unsolicited advice. There's this thing called ink box. Whoa, save it. Save it. Okay. Jesus Christ.

I'll talk about it. I'll talk about it after. Yeah, I'll talk about it. I'll take a break. Thanks sponsors. Say Toda actually to some sponsors and we'll be back after these. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes.

Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't sleep for the better part of a decade. I do not.

I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or. Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right.

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fight. Oh, I'm coming. Gross. Gross. Uh, no. What? This whole day has been a setup for this fucking ink box site that you, I think, invested in their son of a shit.

I'm getting a kickback guaranteed. And now that I guess you stalled in negotiations and you don't want to reference them yet or something. That's right. I'm waiting for my fee for my big to hit on the back end. Okay. But if it goes through by the time this airs, what is it? It's this site where you can like, I think they have, they have some art that you can just, you know, grab, but you can also send custom art to them and they send you a temporary tattoo basically. So you can just test it out on your body.

Um, and I was not sure where I wanted to put this, the family tattoo, the every. Yeah. So I got, so I got two. Um, my sister did the design, turned it into a PNG. I uploaded it. I got two temporary tattoo stickers in the mail, but one of my arm, one of my thigh. And I gallivanted around town and some people noticed and some people didn't. People that noticed, I would ask them, uh, which one they liked better and thigh went out.

So thigh. I'm going to be a thigh guy. Wow. Have a tattoo. Um, kind of the mid thigh. Is it still there as the temp? Can we see it? It's not here anymore.

It only lasts about eight days, which is really how long a tattoo should last. Like, why ever go for the permanent one? It seems like eight days is the goat length. And if you want to re-up, just get another tattoo. It'd be nice if you could just get a year-long tattoo because that's like enough. That's a good amount of time that I feel like, you know, if you just have to continually reapply. Yeah. It's the permanence that really scared.

I'll get a fucking year-long or that's easy. Give me fucking, I always say I want millhouse from the Simpsons on my ass. That's a fucking quick. Would you actually do that? Yeah. A year? I don't care if it's for a year, as long as it doesn't stand there through the test of time. I don't have time for that.

So if you had to get a tattoo, if someone's like, you have to get a tattoo, that's what you would do. Millhouse on your ass. Yeah. If I had to. That way. If you had to. Yeah. That way I would just have millhouse on my ass.

You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. No one would really see it. I can't get the family tattoo on my ass because it's kind of a meaningful piece in a silly locale. I have to go thigh. And wear on your thigh. Is it vertical?

Is it horizontal? Is it peeking out from under shorts? Yeah. Peaks out from under bike and exercise shorts. Peaks out from under a bathing suit. If I'm wearing seven to nine inch inseam, actually if I'm wearing nine inch, you might not see it. If I'm wearing seven inch, you do what I'm sitting down. And is it running, you know, like around the knee or is it going like vertically down your leg?

It's going, it's as if you could, if I'm standing up straight, you could look at it and the word in the boat would be the right side up. Like when I look at it from, when I look down at it, it's upside down. Right. And how big is it? Does it go like wrap around or is it like a band-aid size? Actually, big is like an air pod case. Oh, that's pretty small. Yeah.

Not too big. Not too big. Tasteful. So once you eliminated your other tattoos, would this be your new first tattoo? Well, I still have the butterfly. Oh, I see. So, still have the butterfly. That's my first tattoo, but the other ones are gone.

So would you consider second tattoo? But your first one probably like 18 years or something. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I mean, the last one was the tribal son when I was 18 or 19. Do you remember getting that? Like deciding to get it and getting it and were you psyched and amped when it happened or were you instantly regrettable? I was psyched and amped when it happened because I was like, my plan was to get a lot of tattoos and it was like, all right, this is number three.

Let's keep the dream alive. And I think it was fun and meaningful to me because I like got it with some other friends who... Oh, they got the son too. They got the son as well. No, they got... I think they both... I think Steve got a Celtic cross. I don't know if he regrets it, but I think he's religious, so I'd, you know, maybe not.

That works, yeah. And then who else was there? I believe... I could be conflating this because I know Christine and I, my friend Christine and I, she got the word imagine at the same time as I got the word every. And Eddie might have gotten one with us then and I believe he got like a Bosque flag or maybe he got a Real Madrid tattoo. A soccer team? Yeah, because he didn't really like the soccer team, but he loves Spain. So he got, yeah, he got some Spanish tattoos and he might have gotten one with me when I got the tribal son.

And then you come home and you show your parents and they're just like annoyed at you or are they like laughing at you? My mom was fine. My mom thought it was cool. My dad would kind of... He wouldn't be mad, but he was just, it was sort of like, you know, the equivalent of like if he saw me with like a mohawk or like... Right, it's so much more permanent. Just like, yeah. I mean, but he basically, I feel like he more thought, he wasn't like, I'm mad.

This is permanent. You've like, you know, disfigured your body. He was more like, you're such a loser. He's like, oh, he desecrated my boy. You're just like gross. Oh, why'd you do that? But now he has a tattoo. He has the word it on his arm.

Oh, wow. He has the family tattoo. He has the family word. So the family tattoo is a seven words, eight word sentence or something and everybody has one word. Yeah. It is always every summer in this house. And that my nephew is going to get the word seriously. Oh my God, he's one.

Where are you going to put it? There's no way. They can't do that to him. On his belly, on his tongue tongue. Oh my God, he's so small still. He can't do that. Yeah, it's going to stretch and grow. You can't do that to him.

They'll be one in December. But his uncle's going to give him something for his nine months. Yeah. We're going together. I'm an uncle and I'm a godfather and I'm going to tattoo all these cool children. Can you get a tattoo as a child? If you have your parents consent. There's places I think where you can do it at 15 or 16.

I think if you have your parents consent, I'm pretty sure my sister got a tattoo at 16. Tattoo age minimum is 18 in California, even with a fucking parental and guardian. Wow. So there's some that doesn't, it's state by state. Yeah. And Connecticut has none specified. There you go. So you just have to go to the right place.

I'll just take him right to the right spot. He knows. They know me down there. Even Florida's like you got to be 16. Connecticut's kind of fucking crazy for this one. No age specified. Yeah. My sister got, I mean, you can get a part-time job when you're 15 or 16.

So you should be able to permanently alter your body. It's interesting. This is like both tattoos and body piercings. I guess they're all like the same situation. It's interesting though because like a piercing closes up. Like I've definitely seen, I got my ear pierced when I was like eight, I think. What? When you were eight?

An eight-year-old boy? People pierce baby's ears for sure. Yeah, little girls to like differentiate them from boys and girls I've seen. But an eight-year-old who's like kind of a fully grown boy making that decision and then you're like, yeah, I'll pierce you. Yeah, pierce you. It's like a badass in second grade. Yeah, second grade.

Second grade, your pierced, got super infected. It had to be lanced. Yeah, by Lance Bass. Listen to this one, in Jersey you have to be 16, but minors cannot have genital piercings even with parent slash guardian consent. You're not going to give me a Prince Albert. I'm 15 and my dad is here, okay? It's cool with him.

He thinks it's awesome. Listen, you got to go to Connecticut for that shit. We're in New Jersey. We have a sense of pride about this kind of stuff. Tri-state area. Tri-state area like New Jersey. Here's the lowest age minimum to get a tattoo is 14 in Idaho. Huh?

14. So they'll be like, you do have to be a certain age, but 14. So you don't even need parental, okay. You're just like, if you're 14, if you walked over here, you're 14 years old. You can get a tattoo. You can get a tattoo. I think you still need parental consent. 14, that's too little.

That's too small. If it's 14, you might as well say no age specified because that's so young. It is so young. I mean, you can have a bar mitzvah. Wait a year and get sad enough. 16. I'm on board with 16. I mean, well, actually, I've publicly stated that I think the driving age should be 21,

but if you can drive a car at 16, you should be able to get a tattoo. That's good. So it's tied to your license. If you can drive to the tattoo parlor, you can get your, you can get your tattoo. But driving age should absolutely be at least 18 and ideally 21. 16 is, you're a baby. You're only two years after being able to pierce your genitals in Idaho. You know what they say, you're only two years able to pierce your genitals in Idaho.

Welcome aboard. I didn't even pass a test. Yeah. All right. Let's take another break. Thanks to sponsors and answer some more questions after these massages. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it.

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Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes.

I don't know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. One last question to roll them all. Let's do it, baby.

I hope this person needs a fake tattoo or something because I feel like that's an easy one. But it doesn't appear to be that easy. This one's about a swashbuckling son. Wow. So we'll call this guy D'Artagnan, one of the three musketeers. Good. Love that. My son is seven and his favorite thing to do is sword fight with me.

He's been swinging a sword with all of his strength full tilt at me literally every day of his life since he could stand and hold a stick. This is very fun for me, but it's recently caused a problem. Last week he played in the backyard with our neighbor's son, who's 10, and the boy really wanted to fight with foam swords. I warned them both that my kid tends to go ham, but the boy was confident. And my son beat the shit out of him and made him cry. Now my wife and my neighbors are furious with me. Apparently it's my fault that his kid can't fence to save his life.

My question is, do you think I need to rein in my son's favorite activity for the safety of other people's kids? Or can I just keep rearing my Spartan warrior so he's ready for the inevitable climate change fueled apocalypse? Fair. I think our audience is growing to the point where we're answering questions about their children. Yeah, which is actually ideal. This is the natural evolution. We've helped them weather their relationships to the point where now they're getting married, they're settling down. They're rearing children.

That's amazing. I think everyone is mad at you because you kind of weren't... In theory, you should have watched and been like, the kid is... You don't get to just be like, seven-year-old and 10-year-old are going to go fight with swords, let them go with a warning, and then turn your back. At some point, you should have stepped in and been like, that's enough. Time out. Yeah, but it's hard because you have to watch a one-year-old, a two-year-old, a three-year-old. In four years, you're still watching this thing five, six. I've watched him for six years.

Are you telling me at seven years in, I have to fucking still watch him? He's not going to just be cool if I stop watching him. Yeah, but I think as they get older, they're probably... This is me talking about children having none, but they can go on autopilot a little bit, but one time to not be like, this is on autopilot is when you give two of them swords. And then you say, yeah, have at it. That's a monitor situation. If they're playing video games, you can walk away. If they're building Legos, is that what kids still do? You can walk away.

But if they're about to go at it with swords and you know that your kid is a swashbuckler, I'd keep a close eye on that. All that said, I think this is cool that your son has a passion and that he's a good swordfighter. And you can't actually enroll him in fencing. He could really excel at it. You could go to the goddamn Olympics. Was that a Connecticut thing? Did your high school have that shit like fencing stuff? I'm trying to remember. I think I kind of feel like we did, but I don't... It wasn't like a popular enough sports for it there to be like a big call out for it.

There might have just been like kids at my school who fenced. The last two years of school were like a prep school, so there were definitely fencing kids in that school. That's cool. Fucking fencing. Imagine swashbuckling for sport. Fencing, I'm sure it would be a fun sport for a kid and definitely a fun sport for a kid who loves swordfighting. But then you can't go for it. You have to say don't... Just because you're learning this means you can't do it to other people. With great power comes great responsibility. I'd be showing him a bunch of superhero movies and be like, yeah, you're really good at swordfighting.

Does that mean that you can beat the shit out of anybody who doesn't know how to swordfight? No, you want to be swordfighting with elite swordfighters like me. Oh my god. Yeah, a real dagger. What sport would you want your child to be obsessed with? Soccer. Wow, he's really good. Soccer. Football. More than anything else. I think so because I have the most fun watching football. I'm not going to call it soccer anymore. I'm the most fun watching football.

I would enjoy everything that goes around that. Going out to the fields to watch an outdoor game. You bring a lawn chair. You sit down. That sounds really relaxing and nice. I have one that'll beat the shit out of your so hard that you won't even think about ever saying soccer or football ever again. I'm curious what it is because for some reason I've always thought about... I think about this exact question a lot and I really feel like I landed on the best one. So go ahead.

Competitive eating. No way. Imagine you're fucking eight year old eating 21 hot dogs in an hour. Wouldn't love that. But stretch out his tattoo. Gaming. E-gaming. So your kid's a fucking professional League of Legends wizard of sorts. Actually, I think I would choose tennis because I could play one on one with a kid. With every other sport you're like fucking... you got to get a team together. Yeah, right exactly. Mono-y-mono.

Let's see at which point you can kick my ass. You think you can beat your old man? Right, and then he does. Tennis is a great one though. I could see myself going to the court with a bucket of balls and just kind of feeding him forehand. Yeah, Richard Willing style. Come on, it's raining. I'm not talking to you. You're sort of buzzed, sort of yelling at a stranger who's telling you not to keep their kid. He's drinking a four loco. He doesn't need a sweatshirt. He has a backhand

and then he fucking rails you with one. Backhand and a Prince Albert. That's right. So for this guy you can say if the wife and the neighbors are all mad at you. Maybe you did do something wrong. That being said, you don't have to de-incentivize the fencing. But there does seem to be a time I have friends with kids and the boys who are at three fake hitting then become like eight year olds

and they're actually hitting you with the balls. You have to cut that off at a certain point. At a certain point their punches do hurt a lot. And it's funny. And it's funny to them when they make an adult sort of bend over. They almost fucking get off to that shit. So it's like you have to hide the pain from them. But I think that there's something if a kid is like that, I feel like shutting that down entirely is one thing. Or you can take that energy and be like

if you like that, I don't want you to touch my guess. But if you like striking things, let's take you to karate or something. Find a creative outlet for your aggression. Absolutely. Absolutely. There's a way forward there. You don't have to try to snuff out the fire in their soul. Are you an adult that lets kids win? Or are you sort of the adult that blocks a kid's shot?

Or does that fucking let you win because you're eight? Yeah, it would definitely let a kid win. But I think I wouldn't make it be entirely easy. They got to earn it. Yeah. If I'm playing football with a kid I'll let the kid dribble around me. But I'm going to go and try to block their shot. And then I'll let them get it. That's a red! If he crosses you over, you'd fake an injury, right? You would say

ah, my fucking ankle hit me. He hit me hard. Try to get him a yellow card thrown out of a match. That's right. Even though it's a Thanksgiving friendly. Yeah. And then I run in, block it with a handball. He starts complaining. I didn't touch it. I was my shoulder. That was my shoulder. They're like, we saw you elbow him. Oh, sorry. I was saying I hit it with my shoulder and you pretend like you can't hear. They're like, whose cousin did you say you were? He's backing out towards my car to get

a gun. Who do you know here, bro? Because my dad's the fucking organizer of this game. Pretty smart for a nine year old. He's the nine year old as a quip that says your dad doesn't fucking like you. Everyone cracks up. Oh, this is real good. Good stuff. You guys are raising a fucking school shooter. You take out two fucking cops. What? So fucked. It's a goof. They're foam guns.

They're foam guns. Yeah, right, right, right. It's ultimately fine. No. All right, that's it. Those are our questions about swashbuckling sons. And of course, the tattoo, the Hebrew tattoo. I recommend a Tota tattoo more than a C's than G's because that sounds sort of like a Pizza Hut promotional coupon that you'll find one day. Yeah, I like Tota. All right, thank you for anybody that emailed us questions and

theme songs. We are in desperate need of them. Let's send them all in, folks. If you're on the fence, now's the time. If I were you show at gmail.com Now is the time. We just cleaned out the email so they're getting red as they're coming in now. That's right. Your best opportunity to have us read and react and play your songs is now. And you can watch these podcasts on our YouTube, the if I were you show YouTube channel. And more of us watching old Jake and Amir videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash j a job.

We've never made more content. We're just a content pumping, producing machine. Yeah, a powerhouse, I'd say. And thanks to you guys for listening. I mean, you made it this far. You're at the end of this episode. So maybe you're in dire need. You're all caught up. Yes, you're caught up. Now what? All right, let's play that song one last time. That was from God was Chris from Cardiff, I believe his name was. Yeah, pig fights a lion on band camp. Yeah, did you find that? I didn't look on band camp yet, but

I 100% will as soon as we're done recording a solo artist from Cardiff Wales. That's Chris. Yes, pig fights a lion. All right, shout out. This is one more time to think. We'll be back next week, everybody. Bye later. So you can appreciate the times appreciate the times that it's not there. That was a head gum original.