If I Were You - 559: Bad Art

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

In this episode we discuss, triathlons, Teslas, and finding new hobbies. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. Fuck, fuck me. I'm really tired from... That was a lot. There's no way you could do a concert. I'm so exhausted.

That was 70 seconds of lip-syncing. And you already gassed. I spilled water on myself. Yeah, it wasn't even like a cool liquid. I was gonna, yeah, pour it on my head. You got some dirt on the couch, though. We have some Resolve. And you have no Resolve.

That was your song. That was my band. That was me not singing or playing any of the instruments. Per se. But I am the de facto head. Band leader, main, front lead singer, guy, the front man of the band, I would say. It is weird that most bands, if you come up with the songs, you have to also sing it. There should be the equivalent of a writer-director for a movie, but for a band.

That's me. I'm the first ever of that new hybrid model. Right. I guess most singers don't necessarily write their own songs. Yeah. Like people write fucking music for Katy Perry or whatever, and I could probably do that. Yeah. I could probably do that.

So you're like that. You're not the Katy Perry, you're like the Doctor Luke behind the first. Yeah, but not with the music. Sorry. I'll do lyrics. Yeah. That's a trouble for anybody. So the line where it's like down to smoke.

I've never smoked, but I'm down to try. If I inhale too much, are you sure I won't die? That was me. Yeah. I have some munchies I could feed. Right. Do we get to the munchies? Oh yeah, munchies to feed.

Yeah. Yeah. This was based on your suggestion of a guy who wants to try weed, but is afraid. That's cool. All right. I'm back in. Yes. Shout out to Gareth O'Connor, who does all the other stuff.

Right. He's a potential frontman. You can listen to Fade On Shuffle anywhere, right? YouTube, Spotify. Yeah. Anywhere you listen to your music, you can check out Fade On Shuffle. That's your second single. So you need about 10 more songs to make an album.

Yeah. Our goal is actually to make a five song EP. Okay. So I need to come up with lyrics to two more songs. And then we're going to do a pop punk cover of a song. Wow. Because that's kind of like classic. What are you thinking?

Yeah. I believe Gareth suggested that Hercules song, I Am On My Way. Oh, The Distance. I can go the distance. Yeah. Phil Collins from Hercules. Yeah. I can go the distance.

Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. That's going to be really good. That'll be the best song on the album. Yeah. It'll be funny because that's the one that I have absolutely nothing to do with, including not even choosing it as the cover. Yeah.

You fought tooth and nail to not include the Tarzan thing because Disney is quote, litigious as fuck. Right. Let's not get into that can. Tarzan actually would be a good one. I love that Son of Man song. Oh, right. I can go the distance.

That's Hercules. Yeah. That's Hercules. I don't know if it's Phil Collins either. I can go the distance, Hercules. Mm-hmm. I can go. Oh, yeah.

Tarzan is Phil Collins, right? Yeah. And it's a great soundtrack. Son of Man. It was written, yeah, by Alan Menken, the guy who does all the Disney songs. There you go. Shout out to Alan. Yeah.

Shout out to Fedon Shuffle. Big ups. If you are listening to this, you missed Jake Rockin' Out, which we got on video because we're back in the studio together. Yeah. We're back in the studio. So you can see Jake going absolutely ham. Yeah.

And it's a little embarrassing how hard it was, but also it's cool that I didn't twist my ankle, which I really thought that I would do. You could have. Yeah. I could have easily. I could have been out of commission. I could have. Damn, are you okay?

Into that camera over that microphone. I could have really hurt my ribs. It just goes to show you that like these aging rock stars, or it's actually pretty impressive when you see like a 72 year old rock star still going ham at a concert for two hours. But you know, I did an hour long Peloton bike boot camp. Shout out to Jess Sims this morning. So I feel like it's not really an age thing. It's more that I just like already worked out really hard today.

Oh, I see. So when you jumped on the couch and you were like, I'm afraid I twisted my ankle. Yeah. That was because of the workout. Yeah. I've probably done a bunch of human makers today. So I feel like, you know, my quads were like kind of toast, they were toasted. They were toasted.

If I hadn't worked out, I probably would have been bouncing off the walls. Maybe tomorrow you could do one without the workout. I don't bounce off the walls. Yeah, maybe. But I was planning on going swimming in the morning. So just don't go swimming. You can bounce off the walls. Yeah.

It seems like it's a better workout for you anyway. Well, I'm training for a triathlon. Oh, really? That includes swimming, biking and running. That's correct. How long of each? It's not the Olympic triathlon, it's called a sprint triathlon. So it's 10 meters of swimming.

That's so little. One lap of running. Nothing. And then you have to ride your bike down the block, but you can do it on your tricycle, which is what I have. That's like an obstacle course you made for yourself. No, I think it's half a mile of swim, 12 mile bike ride, three mile run. Wow.

I mean, the swimming is the hardest part by far. Yeah. Like a three mile run is relatively fine and a 12 mile bike ride, but a half mile swimming is no joke. All of those things on their own are very doable. I do longer than that when I run, I do longer than that when I bike, but I never ever swim. Right. And it's like open water.

Not open water, it's a lake. But you can't like just like chill. Like you're like, ooh, I'm gassed, let me hold onto the edge of the pool. Yeah. No, I don't. I think that it's probably all beyond where you can touch. Wow. I'm not going to go to the lake in New York, so I'm not entirely sure like what the vibe

is. When are you going to do that? September 24th. That's so soon. Yeah. It might have already happened. Oh yeah, it's possible. Are you worried about the half mile swim or you've done half a mile swimming uninterrupted?

I've done half a mile uninterrupted. It's not easy. I was really gassed when I was done with that, especially if you don't practice. No, you know what I did? To practice, I've done, it's mostly just surfing. Oh, interesting. The surfing is helped especially because I paddle in a wetsuit. So I, and then I did, I've done like two, you know, visiting the gym swimming laps and

both those times I swam a mile, a mile straight, not like, I mean, I rest, but it's not like I needed to like stand and like sit on the wall or anything, you know, I could just as easily if I'm in the lake, tread water for a bit and then continue swimming. Keep going. Yeah. My sister, maybe two of my sisters. Wow. And maybe Jill.

Wow. Yeah. I look forward to hearing how difficult or easy it was. I look forward to telling you all about it. How long do you think it'll take you? I don't know what a good time even is. Yeah. So I actually have no idea.

I want to see if I like the vibe because if I do, I feel like that it could be something like extending it. Yeah. Because I'll never be able to run a marathon because my legs just don't work like that. But I think if I can toss in biking and swimming, maybe I could do a half Ironman. Yeah. Yeah. Like the, yeah, this one's the Olympic sprint and then there's also like, maybe it's an,

I don't know, it's the sprint triathlon than the Olympic triathlon. That's the next one up. So Ironman is even more than that. Ironman is like a full ass marathon. In addition to like 125 of biking. Yeah. And like a three mile swim. Yeah.

It's like something, something like that. It's like a, it takes almost a day. Yeah. Yeah. So I'll never be that. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

But I can't do the other stuff. Right. You don't know how to ride a bike. Right. And I don't like swimming. I also don't really run that much anymore. Yes. What I could do is like an hour of tennis.

Would you ever run another marathon? No. Definitely not. You would never do it? No. Never. Not even like a hint in your mind that is like, oh, it would be fun to prove that I still got it.

No. I don't still got it. I like play sports now. And it's like after an hour, I'm pretty much done. Interesting. Yeah. I'm out. I'm fully out the game.

All right. After all, an advice podcast, let's get into it. We're not just talking about Jake's fitness goals. We're talking about people who are stuck in sick, sticky situations. It's called if I were you. It's the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. These are real emails from real people. We just got to give them some fake names to preserve their anonymity.

That makes sense. We don't want to out them. Definitely. This subject line made me laugh. It says, in all caps, I think Tigger fucked me. I think Tigger fucked me. Okay. Exclamation point.

Exclamation point. Interesting. Get our attention with the subject. That's the key. I'm 29 and I live in England. I have a really weird problem and everyone else I've spoken to would rather laugh at me. I live with my girlfriend and we've been together for a few years.

It was my birthday last week and my girlfriend's father surprised me with a gift he'd made himself. Wow. I know he's been an amateur painter for a while, but I've never seen any of his work before now. The problem is, it's a large portrait of a tiger and it looks like a fucking 12-year-old made it. I'm a gentleman so I pretended like it was amazing and he fell for it.

However, he's at our house often. What the fuck do I do with this fucking abortion of a tiger? Oh my god. My girlfriend seems to think it's not so bad and we should put it up anyway. I've grown quite fond of her in the last six years and I don't want to fuck this up. But I really hate it. Help. I'll attach a picture of it in all its horror.

Wow. Casey, let's see if we can get it on the big board. But a painting of a tiger so bad that he doesn't want to leave it up. I don't think that's, I mean, I feel like this is an artistic choice. Yeah. It's not like he's trying to draw a realistic tiger. Yeah, it's more like in the style of 11th century Japanese art or something like that. It kind of looks like the face is more of a horse face.

It's better than I can do. Yeah. The colors are fun. I mean, look, art is subjective, so he doesn't like it. What are you going to do? I don't think this is bad at all. I can see a world where it looks like a seven-year-old painted it though. Yeah, sure.

I mean, but you know, I feel like some art is knowing the source of it, knowing the artist. So you know who painted it for you. I think it's nice to do the right thing for your family. You have to make sacrifices every once in a while. I don't know how big your place is. This needs to go on the wall. Oh, it needs to. Yeah.

It's non-negotiable to me. Can you do the whole like when he's here, let's put it up, when he's gone and so on and so forth? No, because then you have to talk. Then it becomes a thing. Why would you make it a thing? You're telling your girlfriend that you don't like her dad's passion. Like he, it was a very sweet gesture.

He painted this. He gave it to you. And now you not only have to say, I don't like it, but you have to tell your girlfriend that you hate it so much that, I don't know. I feel like not liking it is a personal thing. Yeah. You should keep that secret. Don't tell your girlfriend that you don't like it because then she has to keep a secret

from your dad. Right. From her dad. Of course. That's not right. I will say like the more paintings, like the more you keep it up, the less your eyes will even notice it. Like you just sort of, if something is constantly there, you just stop seeing it entirely.

Yeah. And let's think about it like this. You send this bad boy to frame bridge. You pick a cool frame. You get the, you kind of start to make it a piece that is beyond just the actual canvas. You know what I mean? You could also put this, I don't know the size of it. Looks like that's a bag right here.

Yeah. That's a bag. So not huge. This could easily be part, with a nice frame, easily be part of a gallery wall. It'll blend in with a bunch of other, other art. So you're, you want them to put the bag up as art? No, I'm saying the, this painting is not so big that it would take up, you know, an entire wall.

Uh-huh. The bag, I'm just not like a piece of little, like a trinket. I was using it as a size reference for, stop focusing on the bag. I don't mind the bag right here. Try not to think about the bag as much as you are. Yeah. I'm saying the bag means really, that's a nice piece. It's honestly.

That's a really nice piece. Not really. Not really. It's a little gauche, don't you think? But to be like art, like can't, the camel leather with the gold. It's a little gauche. It's, imagine like a painting, a bag, maybe you have like a shoe. It's like a bunch of shit on the wall.

Yeah. No, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think that's a good idea at all. I think you, you misread something that I said and have followed it down your own path and now you're lost in the wilderness with this. That'd be cool. Like, I know you think it'd be cool. A glass.

A vase. A bag. I don't see how you've come back from this Bloomin' Feld. You're talking about everyday objects being on the wall. All because I used it as a reference point for the size of the painting. Serial or something, yeah. You don't hear me. Bull.

It's like I'm not speaking. That actually is not a bad idea either, like a shirt. I didn't say anything. That's not a bad idea. Either you came up with an old pencil sharpener, like from elementary school, the kind where you go like that. That's interesting. Really?

That's interesting. On the wall next to a bag. Yeah. That's a coat hanger. A coat rack. That's a bag. Yeah. So you're, if you put enough shit on your wall, we'll stop noticing this.

Exactly. So I mean, there must be some place in your house, like it doesn't have to go above your bed, but is there some place in your house that feels like it's getting primary billing, but that is not, you know, like right in the living room? A hallway is a good place for that. Yeah. Also, if you've been with your girlfriend for six years, in theory, you guys have hung some stuff on the wall.

So, you know, maybe it's not like insulting that you're not going to put it above the bed because you have something there already. Yes, exactly. So find a place for it. Or what if you find a place for it? What have you faced? Learn to love it. The other way.

Flip it around so it's facing the wall. No. Obviously not. Obviously not. Yeah. Back of the canvas bag, punching bag, shopping bag, different bag. That's our bag wall. And then the tiger thing wouldn't make sense unless it was facing the wall.

I think you just need to reframe this in your head. Learn to love it. You have to learn to love it because what it represents is your significant other's father giving you a gift. Your father accepting. Borderline father-in-law. Yeah. Borderline father-in-law accepting.

The dangerous game is like, oh, you like the tiger. I can do a whole fucking zoo for you guys. It'll look like you can do Dr. Doolittle in here. Yeah. Well, then you could say like, yeah, actually, we have some friends and family who would love this as well. So you don't have to put it in your house. You say like, yes.

You keep on painting stuff. I can give you a zebra so big there won't even be a room for it. Or a bag. Yeah. So I guess that's the slippery slope that maybe your atta boy gives him so much encouragement that he thinks you want to dedicate your entire house. That he wants it to, he thinks you want it to become a gallery to him. Yeah.

A museum of sorts. But I think the other risk is that you insult your girlfriend and her father and you kind of create a rift that you can't come back from. So the tiger painting, though bad, is not as bad as a rift. Yeah. And I don't even think it's bad. I think it's nice. All right.

And if you guys are watching on our YouTube channel, you can see this tiger. You can wane yourself. Yeah. I wonder if he can become a Detroit Tigers fan. So he feels like almost like a kinship. Yeah. With the tiger itself. That's nice.

Is that a monkey in the tree or just a different color for the branch? It looks like it's a monkey in the tree. Yeah. It might be a monkey. The proportion is certainly off there. It's too small of a monkey. Yeah. The monkey is six inches tall.

I came right to the tiger. The tiger should have a tail, no? Well, the bag should have a tail. Why? Let's take a break. Yeah, let's. Because you're hyper focused on the bag idea. I'm not.

I think we just have to reset. Let's have a reset. Let's have a reset. Let's have some sponsors and come back after these massages. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress.

Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. But Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how to sleep for the better part of the decade.

Excuse me. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test.

That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20 percent off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Yes, this is their best offer yet. And no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20

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is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first

purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. When we're back, Jake, do you have any subscribe to Head Gums newest podcast? Yeah. The Formula One podcast.

Wow. Hosted by none other than our man speed caser. That is right. Casey Donnell. Let's go. We guys did one pilot. We did one pilot proof of proof of concept. It went viral.

It was a hit. It was a major hit. It was a positive feedback loop. Positive feedback loop. I don't know if we've ever had a more successful pilot. Everybody wanted to watch here. Enjoy along. They demanded it.

They demanded more and there was almost a January 6th level riot when we didn't cover the race the following week in Belgium. Yeah. So what happened? Because there was a bunch of people here. Was that that? That was that. A bunch of the, yeah.

Exactly. Sort of alt-right direction. Someone shit in Marty's office, right? Yeah. We was wearing Viking helmet. Yeah. Yeah. I thought that was Casey.

It was. He led them up. But we covered last week's Monza Grand Prix. So there's two episodes now. There's the pilot and the race from the 11th. And it's the same crew and the pilot as the second one. Yes. So we missed Andrew Pyle who was traveling, but he is a regular host.

It's me, Marika, Jeff, Andrew Pyle, and Casey is our host. Wow. It's a real head-gum production. Yeah. The pit wall. The pit wall. We watched the Grand Prix. We make a prediction before the race.

We play the prediction and we just recap the race, talk all about it, all the hot goss. In the first episode, you made the prediction. Yeah. 20 to 1. Yep. And then in the second episode, Pyle made the prediction. How did he do? Not great.

I believe he used the term dead monarch energy was going to propel Lewis Hamilton to the win. Yeah. Because he's a knight. Yeah, he was knighted. So Sir Lewis Hamilton, who I believe came in fifth or sixth. Is that right, Casey? He came in fifth, if I remember correctly.

Yeah. It was fifth. He was in fifth. Sizes in fourth. Yes. I think he was more likely to win the McLare than Verstappen. Yeah. Yeah.

Cause Verstappen wins every single race as far as I know, right? Yeah. I think he's won seven in a row. Yeah. He didn't. It's not fun to predict that Verstappen will win, because he usually does. How does one win seven races in a row? Is his car driving faster?

I'm not quite understanding what he can do that other people cannot. Their car is better. Every team constructs their own car. I see. the Red Bull car is better than most of the cars on the grid. That seems weird, like imagine a shoe in basketball so good that like this player is the best because he has that.

Yeah, well kind of, but like imagine one place has all, so like if Nike only made shoes for one team and the other people had to use all birds, like you actually could maybe imagine that they wouldn't be as good, right? But then can Ferrari not like see what the car is made out of? Like what do they got that they can't do?

Well, my understanding is they made changes to how the car can be constructed between last season and this season. So every team had to make adjustments to it and Red Bull made the best adjustments to the aerodynamics. It's like all underneath the car is faster than every other car. So the other teams can't really fix it until next season.

Got it. So like even if the race was just a 200 meter sprint, the Red Bull car would go faster. Maybe, but there are cars that have better straight line speed. So it's the whole package of the Red Bull car. And then it's coupled with they do have the best driver because for Stappin' wins every race, but like Sergio Perez who is also in Red Bull

doesn't always come in second. And he has the same car. Does he? Yeah, the same car. And I mean, they both, I think they did a one two in at Spa and for Stappin' Perez's time by like 13 seconds. And are like the quotes after the match or the race being like, yeah, he has a faster car.

So we're not really that upset. There are things that can happen in a race that like, yeah, they're like, what do you want from us? Yeah. They say things like he's operating on another planet. Like, no, we can't catch him. Is it instantly like he races off to a lead is like, that's it, he's gone.

He's in first. He's never gonna get caught. In Spa, he had like a grid penalty. He started from like 14th or something. And by lap two, he was like fighting for the lead. And then once he's in the lead, it's over. Yeah. Once he's in the lead, no one can catch him.

But there are things that can bolt. Right. But there are things that can happen. Like in this race, he was in the lead. He was in the lead by like 27 seconds or 17 seconds. You know, like an insurmountable lead. And a car died on the side of the road. So they had to go to a safety car

where everyone has to reduce their speed and follow a safety car. And they tend to all bunch back up. And then it's about like who has the better tires and who can get a better restart. But the race didn't restart under the safety car. They ran out of time. So like there are ways that he could lose the race.

It's just all, everything's, all of the brakes also seem to go his way. So he has the best car, he's the best driver. And then all of the, you know, the, the unpredictable stuff just works out in this paper. So it's touched by God in a way too. I see a good guy. It's, it's definitely easier to portray him as a villain.

I think he's, I don't think he's a bad guy. I think he's, What does he look like? How old is he? He kind of looks like a villain. He's 25? Yeah, he's a young, Where's he from?

The Netherlands in Belgium. He's a young Dutchman. Oh, wow. He looks like, yeah, he looks like a billionaire. Yeah. Christian Horner, the team principal from Red Bull, I think is kind of a sniffling dickling. So it's like, they're an easy team to hate.

And Max is easy to hate because he wins every race. But I don't think- He looks like Luca Donchich. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Meets Jake Huttler, meets Quasi Modo. Not really Quasi Modo. Yeah, cause he sort of has this not hunchback energy, but he definitely gives Quasi.

Who's the hot guy in Quasi Modo? Who's the prince? That's what he looks like. It's Quasi Modo Esmeralda and some other guy. Yeah, the guy that keeps him in the tower. Yeah, no, not the guy that keeps him in the tower. Yeah. Sort of evil, the evil tower owner.

Yeah. So people don't necessarily like this first-appin character. A lot of people do like him. All right. I think that it makes racing a little less fun to just see him win every single week. That's what happens in some sports where some guy gets too good and then it's like the backlash.

Yeah. But it's fun to watch people like almost beat him. And I think it'd be really fun now to see some people beat him, but we haven't gotten to see that. Has he lost? I guess he's seven in a row, right? Yeah, there've been a couple races where like the Red Bull was having problems

in the beginning of the season where like, something like he lost power in the car, like the hydraulics failed. I can't remember exactly what, but like he basically, he either wins or does not finish. He doesn't like just come in second or third. And last year he wasn't this dominant. He was pretty dominant last year,

but Lewis Hamilton from Mercedes also had a very good car and they were kind of like trading wins and they had a major rivalry. But this year, there's just nobody that's competing with him. Oh my God, he's my height. Is he really? He's five-six. Five-six. What?

I'm not five-six. Sorry. You give five-six the way he gives Quasimodo. And his birthday's coming up too. Did you know that? No. He's turning 25 on September 30th. Wow, that's a race weekend.

So he's 24 currently? He's 24. What race is on the 30th? Isn't there a race? No, the next race is October 2nd, Singapore. Singapore, damn. Are you guys only doing the podcast during races? Yeah.

So yeah, for now. Yeah, it's not every week. It's just whenever there is a race, you guys do it. I wonder if you guys should do like a live react too, like a live stream version of it. Yeah, I think we talked about doing that, but Casey has to host and engineer, edit and post the episode. So it's kind of your call, but I'm game.

That's really cool. It might be easier to just do everything live and then that's it. Our text thread is funnier while we're watching the race. So I'm for the live reaction. Aren't these races like in the middle of the night though? They're on early in the morning. So like, I'm watching at nine, it's on at 6 a.m. here.

Singapore might be different. I don't know what time Singapore is. It depends on the country. I think Japan, it'll be like 2 a.m. here. Yeah. Which is easier to handle for me personally than 5 a.m. When the Melbourne, or the Australian Grand Prix started at like 1 a.m.

And I was like, oh, I'll just stay up. But then it's like 10 30. I'm like, I have nothing to do. I have to go to bed and tell the race. So you fell asleep from 11 to one. Yeah, and I set my alarm. I got up like, whoa, Jesus, what should I have? Oh, Neil, should I have a drink?

I have no idea. Should I have a beer or a coffee? Yeah, or a Red Bull. It actually reminds me of the car you rented today. Tesla? The Tesla. You said the car itself was too smart for you. Yeah, I'm too dumb to drive that car.

I hate that car. I'm gonna get a lot of flack in the comments, but I really don't like it. Well, it's all maybe like cool because now Musk has the backlash. Oh, okay. Because you're on the cutting edge of that. Yeah, I feel like everybody was being like,

yeah, Musk is an asshole, but he's got a great product. And I actually, I think the opposite. I think Musk is cool, the car kind of sucks. I really, yeah, I got upgraded at the Hertz rental car. They're like, do you want this Tesla? Because they're rolling about. I was like, oh, fuck yeah, this is gonna be awesome. And the way you have to drive it is like,

I can't see anything. Can't see out the back, forget it. At the side mirrors, I have no idea how to adjust them. And if you put your signal on, rather than like looking out the mirror, it just shows you a video of what is, like a camera that's- Right, even a mirror.

That is where your mirror, yeah. So the car is kind of asking you to just, don't worry about seeing anything with your eyes. We're showing you a video and we have sensors everywhere. We'll tell you how fast and where you are in the plane, everything. And then like, when you press the gas, you go. And when you ease up on the gas, you break.

You break. So it's pressing and breaking. It slows you to a stop. It's like pressing and breaking. Marty said that is recharging the battery, like the power unit or something as you lift up. But like, basically, in a regular car, you press down on the gas, you can take your foot off

and you're still going forward. This car, press down on the gas. If you lift your foot up at all, you start to stop. And like, forget about, you know, moving to the break. Cause then you would just like grind, you would stop very, very short. You're right. So I got car sick yesterday,

driving from the airport to the hotel. You got car sick in your own car because I was almost self driving to the point where you felt like a passenger. It's so smart. It feels, when I drive my car, it feels like I'm driving it. This, it felt like a shared responsibility. It was like me and the car working together

to get to the hotel. Yeah. Cars went from like manual to automatic and now this is the next iteration. And I'm glad that I'll die out before things are fully self driving, I think, I hope. Yeah, it seems like it's happening already. Marty has a Tesla and he was showing me

the self driving functionality and like the car on the freeway, he wasn't even touching the steering wheel. It was just like keeping distance, changing lanes and doing all that. And there's just so much shit. Like to, to use the AC, it's like a touch screen and you can kind of like swipe and be like,

oh, the air is blowing this way now. And here's like, and now turning it lower. It's like, I don't care about that. Just like fucking, I want a button. That makes it go on. Yeah. I'll control the fan. I don't need to like fucking.

Have you seen the fart feature where it sort of does like a little toot? Yeah. That's so dumb. It's like, it's supposed to be the coolest. Do you like that part, but not the other part? How are you supposed to trust a car with your life to like self drive and like avoid, you know,

cars on the highway. It's like, oh, and also it'll for you. Yeah. That's fun. It's a whoopee cushion. Yeah. Why don't you take this seriously? Because you're in charge of me being safe on the road.

Yeah. Let's not toot at all, Elon. Remember the, some cars like in the early 90s had the seat belt that automatically went on. Oh yeah. I hated that. Yeah. Absolutely.

It's kind of like, it seems like Tesla would have a cooler version of that. They got rid of that though. It seems like nothing has that. Yeah. I think people like got strangled from it. But yeah, it's, I mean, there, a car to me is like, I just need it to turn on and I want to be able

to drive to a place. And this is like, it's just so many features that it's a little overwhelming and I'm not interested in learning any of them. Is it very quiet? Yeah. It's utterly silent. I have no idea if it's ever on or off.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Would you be interested in a non-Tesla electrical vehicle? No, because I don't have anywhere, like in the city I don't have a parking garage or like, you know, an off street parking place where I could charge. So, and I know you can like go to a charging station and like, but I don't know, that's.

You got to be there for a little bit. Yeah, I'm not, I don't want to do that at all. You should be able to charge your battery at home and then slide it into a Tesla. Yeah, and maybe that would be more interesting. I, at the very least, I'm interested in like a more hybrid car that gets better gas mileage. Right, but you still need to pump it up full of gas.

Yeah. And until I can have a car that I can actually just, I don't know if there's another way to charge the battery rather than be like running power cord out into the street. Yeah, people are doing that here. There's like, I'm like tripping over extension cords that go from somebody's house to like the sidewalk. I want to live in the world that runs on electric cars,

but we aren't doing it a clean enough job of it yet. Yeah, you know how like you can charge your phone by putting it out a pad? Yeah, they should have a pad the size of a car. See, that would be awesome. If like the, if parking spots would just charge your car. Yeah, nice. I like that.

I actually have been DMing with Elon. That could be one of the few things that I bring up to him. Cool. What are your other ideas? Well, I've been asking for like, yeah, I've been asking him for, I'm trying to sell feet pics.

So, it's not really an idea for Tesla. You're just trying to get a picture of his feet. Him and a thong sandal. And now I'm like, maybe if I have the... Is that a business idea? You're selling them where? I'm selling the foot fetish. I'm selling, I'm selling feet pictures

of famous people on 8chan. I see. But I'm saying now that I have his ear, do you have his ear? He hasn't responded yet. Do you have his toe? I have Elon's foot on the line and I can reel him in. All right, let's take another break

and answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business, but with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office.

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Wow, no long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com for sponsoring this show.

Thank you to AuraFrames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, AuraFrames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day,

but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma, she was pregnant. We got her the AuraFrame, we plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device, anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog

alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames, that's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th,

so don't wait, terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames, A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. Back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back.

Yes, we are. Seriously, man. Okay. You can't be on your phone during the podcast. I wasn't on my phone during the podcast. I was on my phone during the break and you brought us back in really fast. Abruptly, yeah.

Actually, speaking of really fast and abrupt, this guy's writing style makes it sound like he's in a lot of, I guess, an emergency situation. Interesting. His, just the subject of his email is, in all caps, advice would be helpful right about now. All right, he's stuck somewhere. He's sort of mad at us.

Here's the situation. There's a girl I like, but I feel as though I don't have a chance with her. All right. Help. Now, there's more. We're kind of friends, but we're friends in a way that when I hang out with my group of friends,

he's usually there, but we never talk one-on-one. I feel as though I should get closer to her and open up to her, but I don't think I have many similar interests. So I find it hard to converse with her. This is also caused by how I usually don't talk to her, so it's weird if I start now. She's kind of nerdy, and I am too a little bit,

but less so. Okay. But I never really got into things like D&D and stuff she's interested in. That said, I have to say I'm pretty dull all around. I sit around and watch Netflix all day and play casual mobile games. Shout out to Backbone.

The thing about getting close to her as a friend, her closer friend who she hangs out with, told her he likes her. She said she wasn't interested. All this comes with a few questions, like how do I approach her without being weird? Is there no chance with me and her? Do I get into what she's into?

How do I become a more interesting and charismatic person? Just those light questions. And if you can answer them in the order they were received, that would be greatly appreciated. I mean, you nailed it with the second aspect of this, which is get into the things that she's into. I mean, ideally you're doing that in a real way. But it sounds like you don't have any hobbies

that you really enjoy. You called yourself dull. That's a hard one to have no hobbies. Yeah. Because I know someone with a few hobbies, like I like basketball and a few things, but if I just didn't like sports and then I also didn't like movies or music,

what's left at that point? There's so many things that are left. You just have to get out there and try to, yeah, you have to try to explore. Yeah, you have to accidentally do something. Yeah. And I think even, so let's actually back up even further.

Says he has no hobbies, he's not interested in anything except casual gaming. So let's break the mold there, right? Cause then you get into anything, doesn't even have to be what she's interested in, but you'll feel more confident. You'll feel more interesting. You will have something to talk about,

even if it's not something she likes. Yes. You don't have to like the same thing to have an interesting conversation. Right. So step one, before you worry about how to approach this person, let's fix the root cause of the insecurity,

which is I think you need to have a hobby. You gotta get a hobby. Get a hobby. Figure out what you like to do slash see. Yeah. Even watching movies is a hobby. It is, you're a cinephile. That's right.

A deep dive into Kubrick, for example, turns you into a casual Netflix watcher to someone who has an opinion on a specific thing. Then you're watching with a purpose. Yes. So get into something. And it can't just be the office reruns. That's not a hobby.

Yeah. That's a break from your hobby. And it's fine to watch the office reruns too. What about if you take the casual mobile gaming one step further and you become an intense fucking Twitch streamer? That way you're turning a light hobby into something more substantial.

There you go. Yeah, that's another thing. Yeah. But it's hard to fake. If it's not deep into your bones, interesting to you, you can never get into it. Yeah. And then the other thing is how do I just talk to her?

It'll be weird. It's actually only going to be weird if you talk to her and tell her you're into her after not talking to her at all. And you actually might not be as into her as you even think because you actually haven't spoken to her, right? Advice would be helpful right about now. We're giving him a lot of advice.

OK. So yeah, I think let's not worry about the outcome that you want, which is you maybe want to be romantically involved with this person. Yeah. Let's just worry about creating any relationship with him now because she hangs out with your friends, but you don't speak to her.

Try speaking to her. That's step one. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be towards the goal of being romantic. Just speak with her to be her friend because you're hanging out in a group of friends. And it might be actually a little rude that you're not talking to her.

So talk to her about her interests. And you don't have to share them to be interested in them. Yeah. But you can sort of find out what those interests are, then give them a spin, a test run yourself. Yeah. Because now you're in the market for a new hobby. Maybe you could talk to her about that.

I'm in the market for a new hobby, if you have anything. Crochet or anime. Not really a hobby, but. Into crazins recently. You know, cranberry raisins. Yeah, you're right. That's not a hobby. I've been dehydrating fruit is all.

That's a hobby. Well, buying it. Consuming it. Oh. Fruit leather. Fruit pleather. Fruit canvas. And burlap.

Unrelated to fruit. There's a bag on the wall. I've gotten it to home decor. Good shit. If you had to choose a hobby completely unrelated to what you do now, like pretend all your hobbies were off the table. OK.

What would you choose and when? Wow. You have to choose a new hobby. It's hard not to just think about any of that. I guess a theme of my hobbies is that they're all active. I like, I've heard people really love pickleball, but I'm not that interested in trying it. Hmm.

That's a really good question. I love it. What about pickling? Pickling? That's a hobby. Yeah, I guess romantically the ones that I've liked are like trying to become more like hands on and like DIY. So maybe if I had no hobbies, like I wasn't going

surfing or biking or just like, you know, I'd go around my house and be like, oh, I like would like to see if I can improve this thing or like DIY. Yeah. You know, just like small projects that I'm like, normally I'd pay somebody to power wash my front yard. But like, no, maybe I'll get a power washer and see how that works.

That's cool. Look into it. Yeah. Something like that. Me, I wouldn't be able to choose. That's just not a fair question. Fine. Let's respond.

Thank you so much for writing in, everybody. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. All my hobbies are true to me, to my soul. And to say, oh, you like basketball and who would it be if I didn't like basketball? It wouldn't be me anymore, man. Good.

The fact that you haven't answered that question. Ideally, you would choose a hobby that makes you not you. No one likes you. You're not true to yourself because you can just power washing. Nice. Oh, everybody. Jake will fucking change who he is on the drop of a hat

with one item. That's the golden mic for you. You finally stood up for yourself. Holy shit. Yeah. Ooh, dropped glasses. That's a little disruptive. I didn't like the way you made it such a meal of it.

Thinking about rescinding, revoking. Usually, you're not supposed to do this. We're almost. I feel like this is the end of the episode. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Maybe it's you.

The golden mic is yours for standing up for yourself. Wow. Yeah. I had no idea. That's all it took. It's just confidence. 500 something. I'm literally getting choked up.

Yeah. Well, try to bring the episode home because I feel like what you're doing now is so disruptive. I don't want it to end. If that makes sense. This feeling has to last. You're talking so slow. Let's find another question.

Oh, you're derailing the show. The award is about excellence in podcasting. So let's land the plane gently. Let's just bring it home. You earned the award. Stick the landing, Plum and Feld. Mission accomplished. Yeah.

Thank you for watching the last episode of our podcast. Really? It's going to be over now. I think I have to go on a high note or something. This is why you've never won the award. This is why I'm rescinding the award. Oh, hey. It is being revoked.

It's being revoked. Why? Never in history has someone earned it and lost it in an episode. Right, because you've always won it. And I win it now for protecting its sanctity. Let's close this out. Thanks so much for watching, everybody.

If you did watch over on the If I Were You YouTube, thanks for listening. Remember to rate and subscribe. I've got a ton of other content out there over on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A. Let's thank that artist who submitted a theme song, who was me. I am the lead man, the front man of the band Fade On Shuffle.

Why don't we take it out with the second half of that song. Shout out to Gareth O'Connor, who is my bandmate. And shout out to you, who is taking home the 538.30, a record that I do know will stand the test of time and stand the test of rhyme. Thanks for listening, everybody. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That was a Hidgum Original.