If I Were You - 56: Phrontistery

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

In this episode we discuss fake tweets, real questions, and three equally amazing poems.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps, plus fries, and a medium soft drink for just $8. For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. And all things considered, their success.

Yes is more than there. Here's one more. Saw me knife of show. Were you doing the Trump dance? I think so. I've never seen it. I've only seen a picture. And then I read an article about it.

And I thought it was really funny that he has. It is like this, right? Yeah, he sort of gyrates syncopato style to YMCA and other songs. And now NFL players are doing it as a celebration. Why? because a lot of them are sort of right-winged maga-heads, and now they feel emboldened to sort of celebrate a new normal amongst the popular voters. It's funny that a president has a signature dance.

Yeah, that's probably the 30-100th weird thing. I didn't have that on my 2024 bingo card. But yes, I did have two assassination attempts. I had that. I had the free space. I also had G19 because part of it is just regular bingo. Right, right. So I did, I do have a diagonal and I am yelling bingo.

Actually, speaking of silly jokes, this is a perfect segue into our first segment. Which is a surprise to me. This podcast, yeah, this is a surprise segment for our podcast segments. At this point, you guys are caught up. It's a podcast of varying segments. Some of them surprises. Some of them we plan ahead of time. I planned ahead of time, but I didn't tell you about.

Okay. And you are so excited to get into it that you want to do it first. Really? Is it a mystery guest? No, it's sort of a mystery text. Interesting. Okay. It's a mystery test, not a mystery guest.

Love it. So you recently deactivated your Twitter account, right? That's right. But as we all know, the internet doesn't forget. That's right. The internet lives on it. So I'm going to be reading you some tweets. That I tweeted?

Either you tweeted 15 years ago or I made up in a segment we like to call mystery test. I think I'm going to get 100% of these because I tweeted so infrequently that I think I labored over each one. But you have to realize a lot of these are over 13 years old. Okay. Okay. Let's start with this one. Yeah. Thanks to everyone who tweeted me happy birthday.

Kind of bullshit, you didn't get me a gift, but I definitely appreciate the tweeting as well. Okay. I don't have a full recollection of this, but that just sounds like my voice a lot for the time. So I'm going to go ahead and say, yes, that's a real tweet. That is correct. You tweeted that on your 26th birthday, August 5th, 2011. But it's good that it doesn't ring familiar to you. Yeah, I guess that's setting the tone.

Yeah. Here's another one. Okay. Another year, another nothing to be thankful for. And for that, I am thankful. Oh, shit. No, that's you. Yes, correct. That's me. Yeah. I would never.

My jokes were always too earnest, weren't they? I guess that first one wasn't that earnest. Yeah. As a rule, any time I'm at a party hosted by Mark McGrath, And he says into the microphone, this will be the best night of your lives. I leave. That's correct. I didn't tweet that.

And that was at the party. It was, I was in Las Vegas for two nights for a Soby sponsorship. They did a college humor, like sponsored video. Sobe at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit party or something. thing. Yeah, me and David Young on the red carpet interviewing, wait, what, Chrissy Teigen, is that her name? Yeah, that's a person. Yeah, we interviewed her and, I don't know, maybe like a Brooklyn Decker type, something like that. Yeah. And then the after party, I believe it might have been at the Hard Rock, but wherever it was, it was hosted by Mark McGrath. and there were like booths of bikini models and executives.

And I was like wearing vans and baggy jeans. I was like, what am I doing here? So Mark McGrath did say that into the microphone. He did say that into a microphone. And I was like, I don't belong here. I can't be here. Honestly, though, I must have been. What year was that?

That was 2012. If that was 2013, I would have stayed. And it would have been awesome. Damn it, you're one year off. I know. Want to know a really great song to listen to while you walk down the street? I already know it. Lightning crashes.

It really gets you pumped. I remember. I remember. I mean, I have such a vivid memory of this day. I was walking from the College Humor office on Park Avenue to Grand Central to take the train, to take the metro north back to New Haven. lightning all my feeling coming back

cooking yeah it's such a slow build and you're walking towards 42nd Street of course perfect day out and it's just

yeah it really did you fire off the tweet I was yeah well I think I was thinking about how much it pumped me up and I was like I have to share this

with other people other people have to feel the euphoria that I just felt H-A-D-T-Y Happy Abbreviation Day to you No Correct

That one is me Yeah They're going to get a little harder Are they? Yeah Unless you actually remember tweeting these things From 15 years ago Note to self

Stop getting orange juice at brunch Ooh Ooh Yeah, yeah. I think I did tweet that just because I have an anti-orange juice feeling. You know, I always have. Correct. You then go on to say it's always more expensive than you think. Also start caring about more important things. Interesting. What a weird. That's a pretty bad tweet. But it's a good take. It's a very good take. Yeah, not even fresh squeezed, huh? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, like, let's take some orange juice on there. Oh, my God, it was $4, which was a lot for the time.

We're now nine, yeah. All right, ready? Yeah. Two hungover to tweet. Never mind. That's good. And because it's good, I think it was you. Correct.

I was trying to get into your not getting orange juice. at brunch brain. Yeah, yeah, my party lifestyle. But you forgot that my tweets mostly weren't funny. And that one was pretty funny. Ramapo, Amir and I are in you tonight. Not like that, but also kind of like that. That's not bad, but also kind of like that.

That is kind of like a thirst trap tweet. Like I'm at Ramapo with you trying to. hook up with somebody after the show. I remember we went to Ramapo because in the, in our live show script, we made the joke Ram Poe instead of Ramapo Po. And I still sometimes think Rampo Poe. Yeah. And it's like a college in New Jersey, right?

I think so. I believe we might have even taken the path or maybe like the NJ transit there. But did you tweet about it? I think I did. Amir and I are in you tonight, not like that, but also kind of. like that. Yeah. That was me earlier today.

Wow. You got one wrong. I was able to achieve your voice. That's really good. Good job. All right. You ready for the final two? Yeah.

Wait, I want to look at this ram. There's, I have an eight page script from our Ramapo show that I want to look at later, but we can, we can move on. So you got me once. Yeah. Fool me once. Shame on you. All right.

There's two left. Okay. Who's to say whether they're real or not? Call me right now. 555-5-hyphen fake number. No. Correct. That one was me.

All right. Last one probably was me. Let's just go ahead and say yes. Okay. I'll read it now, but you're locked into yes. Yeah. Anyone out there coming to College Rumor Live at George Mason tonight? I need to know so I can start.

getting excited or get off this train. Oh yeah, that sounds like me. For sure, that's a yes. Correct. That one is true. George Mason. We did a... George Mason. I don't even know where that is. I think it's like in Virginia somewhere. That sounds about right. George Mason. Does that sound more like you than the Ramapo tweet that I made up? I guess now that I think about it, but also kind of like that, is pretty good. And I don't think he might... They weren't, funny at all. So I think I guess I should have just used that as a barometer. If it was a decent tweet, it was you. And if it was nothing, then it was me. I don't know. I mean, thanks to anyone who tweeted happy birthday, kind of bullshit, you didn't get me a gift is pretty good.

Not bad. I also had a tweet that I remember being panned was what's the deal with boat shoes? They're not boats and they're not weight their shoes. It's kind of like my too hungover to tweet, never mind. But that one you instantly knew was me. Yeah. Because that's a really good joke to me. If I had thought of that, I would remember forever. You need to fucking post these to blue skies what I'm trying to tell you.

I have to get on blue sky. What am I waiting for? It's like Twitter from 2006 reinvented for today. Yeah. I think the idea of me. starting a new, like there's nothing further. I'm like waffling between should I delete all social media or not. Not like this one's bad.

I have to sign up for a new one. Yeah. I don't think so. I don't think. Are you down to just Instagram at this point? I, well, I deleted Instagram. I go back and forth with deleting Instagram. I just, I haven't deactivated it or anything, but it's not on my phone.

And Twitter is deactivated and hasn't been on my phone for. You can't even go to Twitter. Since 2016. Yeah, now when I go to Twitter.com, which is something I used to do every once in a while, just like a new tab, you know, like out of boredom, I would see something. And more often than not in the last few months, it was just Elon Musk's tweets, which I don't really like reading. So I was like, all right, I really have to not do that. And it was, I don't miss it. I sometimes, sometimes will command T.

And then press T and like I'm going to go to Twitter, but then I realize, oh, there's nothing there. And I stop. And I realize it's called X now. Yeah. Yeah. You don't even go to screen. Exactly. Straight to X.com.

On my burner phone. And then last question. In Chicago, I gave you the gray scale hack. Make your phone in black and white mode so that you're less excited by going to it. That's right. And you did it, but did you keep it that way. It's not gray scale right. now and it's because our daughter is very into watching videos of herself sometimes and she's sick

so to help to like you know she's she's more frustrated now than usual so to like calm her down i've been showing her some videos so i took it off but i did leave it on what we left chicago on friday i think i left it on basically through the weekend and did it was it helpful yeah yeah and And especially because I don't have any social media anymore on my phone. Like I was just finding something to look at. You know, I was like, all right, there's no Instagram. There's no Twitter. There's no Facebook.

There's no like social. So I'll just like, okay, I'll obsessively go to the Tottenham Reddit and see what's happening with the team. But I was like. I guess Reddit is your new social media. Like you're just tracking Twitter and Instagram through Reddit or something. Yeah, which is another thing that I want. to stop because for some reason I think that Reddit is like above all of those because it kind of filters out all of the social media to the one thing that I want to see.

Yeah, it's democratic. Yeah. But now I'm realizing that most of the most popular reddits are like, am I overreacting or am I an asshole and everybody is overreacting and they're also the asshole and it's like not that fun to read. So I'm trying to stop doing that too. And I've been I've been just going to New York Times to see what's ever. happening in the news and I'm like why so the grave really helped me do that it kind of like makes me question why I'm looking at my phone is because it's so much less enjoyable that it's like is whatever I'm looking at worth it and the answer is no it's basically less notifications is one of the reasons people look at their phone less it's like when you see the red dot of how many messages how many emails I've got to hear things coming right in yeah yeah but the problem is always that I because my my phone has like trained me to be uninterested by my surroundings.

I'm like picking my head up for the first time and I'm immensely bored by the world. So I need to... Even though it's New York City, which is ostensibly even almost better than an Instagram of somebody who baked a cake. It's true. I'll be like looking at my phone,

driving over the Koshu Shko Bridge, and I'll look up and I'll just see like the gorgeous Manhattan skyline with also a cemetery underneath. So it's really fucking reminding me of my mortality and to take it all. in but then I'm like, but I do. Who was on Kelly Clarkson?

I want to see if any, I want to see if any Tottenham players scored for their international squads. What was the, what was the lineup for Wales? And they are playing today. They're playing in 15 minutes. Yeah, and I want to know if Ben Davis and Brennan Johnson are going to be in the lineup and they're going to beat Iceland because it actually matters to me.

I don't know why. All right. Let's take a break. That's the end of my personal segment. We'll come back with another segment after these messages. Cool. The Headgum podcast is coming to San Francisco Sketchfest. January 18th, Amir's birthday, hosted by Jeffrey James,

with special guest, Jake Hurwitz, Amir Blumenfeld, Riley Anspaugh, Ali, Khan, and of course, Anya Zero. Go ahead and get your tickets over at sfsketchfest.com. We'll see you out there. Stay classy, San Francisco. I'll be there too. Stay classic. I said your name twice.

Yeah. Ron Burgundy says stay classy. San Diego. Yeah. But it's kind of like, I don't know. I did my own little spin on your end. It's not your own because it's just plagiarizing the movie.

But then quoting you wrong. Yeah. Right. Well, I'm curious. There's something there for. But this is it. This is the final ad. Okay.

Yeah. All right. We're returned back. Yes. Like better than ever. That is correct. And speaking of returning, how about the return of if I were you? That's right.

I went through our old podcast submission questions to try to find a question that we never answered. I'm not 100% sure that we've never answered this, so maybe you'll remember it, but it was never forwarded to me. It was never marked as anything. It is from July 18th, 2018. Oh my God, that's literally my 35th and a half birthday. Isn't that crazy? That's nuts. I wonder if it references that or something.

They don't mention it. Let's go ahead and give this person a fake name to preserve their anonymity. Wow. Old school. Okay. Is it a boy or a girl? A boy. We'll call him Jerome a Boise.

Jerome O'Boyze. writes, hey guys, love the show. You guys are chill A.F. That's funny. So 2018. As an 18-year-old male, I am obviously a very experienced masturbator. I probably yank the old chain once per day on average. However, I have since come to realize through several convos with friends over the years that the way in which I beat my meat is very different from most people. Yeah. Does this ring a bell to you at all? No, but it does strike a chord in me because I was thinking recently about how nobody really teaches you how to wipe or masturbate. So everybody must be doing it completely separately and we just don't necessarily know what the average way to do is. Yeah, I remember in like high school or something, you know, on one of those early internet forums being like, do you wipe standing up or sitting down?

Yeah. And I was like, God, can you imagine wiping sitting down? That's bizarre. And my friend next to me was like, what are you talking about? I wipe you're weird yeah and now I've I've adopted the new method there's no reason to stand up and wipe I don't know why anyone was doing that I don't know I wanted to smush the poop between my cheeks squeeze it out like I was popping the zit yeah okay first jack off I only yurk it when my dick is flaccid secondly I have only ever jerked off while in a lying down position usually on my back apparently most of Most people crank it while in a sitting position and while rock hard. I mean, how the fuck was I supposed to know? It's not like there's a class for how to jerk off.

You just kind of figure it out on your own, which is exactly what I did. Over the years, I have tried a couple times to jerk off in the, quote, normal way without success. So far, my method of punching the clown has worked just fine. But now I'm running into a problem. I will soon be heading off to college in another state where I will likely share a room with one to three people. I realize that it's going to be much harder, pun intended, we know, to crank the snake on my bed like I am accustomed to. How the hell am I going to jerk off in college? Is there a way that I can still jerk off the way I am used to?

If not, how do I learn how to masturbate while sitting and erect? Also, is the way I jack off super weird or have you guys heard of people doing it this way? Please help me out. Jerome, uh, a boycee. Yeah. Have you heard of people doing it this way is funny. Yeah. Yeah, a kid two towns over does it this way.

Right. Doing it soft feels anatomically incorrect. Like, you legally can't do that. The sitting up and lying down is nothing. Like that I'm like, all right. But the, how do you do it if you're soft? That part I really don't understand. I don't think you can.

I don't think. I think by definition, you have to do it from a hardened position. Maybe he's talking about when it starts. Right. Like, I'm not even going to touch my penis until it's hard from something else. Right. Maybe it's just a language thing. Maybe it's just like, yeah, everybody is hard, but he's saying, I am not hard and I use my hand to get hard.

And the other, he thinks other people are like, no, I sit down and I'm rock hard. But the way he talks about being rock hard and he's like not even saying. that I don't know. Straight up, I would maybe go to a doctor. You can have this conversation with a doctor. But as for the how to do it when you're surrounded by people, you have to do it basically either in complete silence while they're there, but you're like, you know, you can't. Wow.

Did you do that in college? No, what I would do is do it in the shower. Yeah. I think, I mean, what I would do. do worse. Or when nobody was in the room. Yeah. First of all, this guy is talking about having one to three roommates, which is so different. Four or room. One roommate, there's not going to be an issue.

Like, I had one roommate. I memorized his schedule. I knew it better than mine because that was when I could masturbate. Best weekend of the year was when his grandma died and he went home to New Jersey for like three days. And I was just like, yeah. Yeah. I'm skipping class to spend. higher time jerking off this weekend. You've had class on the weekend? I guess I skipped social engagements.

A little sadder for sure. Yeah. You also rarely went to class. Yeah, I skipped the classes to jerk off when he was a lot. Yeah. Right. Regardless of the grandmother's situation. I guess so.

But yeah, I think you just... Now I'm starting to think you killed the grandmother. I think you just kind of like, you find the time. Like, whether you're lying down or sitting up, you find a time alone. The, but you won't be able to do it in the shower. Though, to be fair, standing up is closer to lying down than sitting down. Wouldn't you say? Standing up is closer to lying down than sitting down.

Because you're both completely vertical just in the horizontal one. You're straightened out. You're flat. Whereas in the seated. and you're angular. Right. So if you have to be, if you have to be like

completely flat and flaccid to jerk off, you can just lean up, back up all the way against the shower stall. So your head is against the wall. Yeah. I wonder if it's just the bending, because maybe you could like, if the shower is small enough,

you know, you put your toes against one side and then you lean, you lean all the way back with your back against the other side. It's kind of like a dead man's lean. We had co-ed bathrooms at Berkeley. Showers and toilets.

Men and women shared it together. I remember that from Boy Meets World. He went to Berkeley and that happened. I think they went to Berkeley. Wherever they went, they had co-ed bathrooms. Yeah. Kind of rare. Yeah, it is.

I think that seems kind of like it would be a lot for me as an 18-year-old. Yeah, you go into the bathroom to shower and there's like a girl getting out of. the shower and you're going to take a shit. Yeah, that seems really weird. It's very like, it's like, this is how you did it as a family. You would see your sister and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay, but these aren't like my siblings. Yeah.

I don't want to be. Right. You've been partially nude. Do you think they still have the co-ed bathrooms? I would think so. It's like their thing. Now it seems like they've gotten even more progressive. Yeah.

Right. Let's see. You see Berkeley co-ed bathrooms. You see Berkeley co-ed bathrooms. Did you know that there was a phase? famous porn shot in my dorm. Oh, yeah. I think you told me.

It wasn't famous to me. But I guess I kind of remember, like, the early days of like, Khazar or Morpheus or whatever, like, you can, when you could start downloading things from the internet, there was like, there were, there were porn videos that would be like infamous. There was one from, wait, what was it? What was yours? That was the one I was thinking of.

Mine was called the Putnam porn because we lived in Putnam Hall. And it was this kid who hired a prostitute and had sex with her on camera. And their friends, like all knew about it. And they uploaded it to the internet. And it became kind of a viral sensation. It was like two doors down for me. Wow. It was the first thing I was really,

you were really, truly known for. That was what spawned being famous.com. It looks like there is still co-ed bathrooms at UC Berkeley. Okay. Good on them. No. And then have we heard of people cranking it like that? I guess I've heard of, I don't really ask people.

That's the thing. Like you never know what the, even your closest friends are jerking. Yeah. I feel sitting, laying, standing. My friend group, we used to like, I don't even know how true it was, but people would talk about having different, like, hand positions. And, you know, you use your right hand to your left hand. And like, I think I knew somebody that, that,

said they used something like the claw where they're like trying to make their fingers into the shape of an orifice or an opening or something. Yeah, like pre-flesh light sort of puppetry. And then there was, I feel like there was also like, maybe it was just internet jokes, but about like sitting on your hand until it goes numb and then jerking off. So it feels like it's somebody else doing it. The stranger, yeah. Yeah, the stranger.

Yeah, yeah. The stranger. Then they're sitting on your dick until that goes numb. So it feels like you're jerking somebody else off. That's this guy's method. Yeah. Are you righty or lefty? That's really uncouthous.

It's pretty invasive. And I'm not going to answer. It's a lefty. Interesting. Me too, because it feels so weird because we do everything else with our right hand.

Maybe that's why you usually go opo-taco. Like, you're using the opposite hand. Most righties use lefts. Is that true? To jerk it. No, but that's a theory I'm trying to start here. Yeah. I guess that,

I mean, it feels like that's the something that would be like with the advent of internet pornography where you want your dominant hand for like holding the thing tap like yeah like yeah right exactly that could even be pre internet it's like holding the magazine holding the book holding the whatever right i wonder if kids that will grow up with like the the metaverse glasses to jerk off if they'll use yeah if you're using VR that's fascinating that's very fascinating I can ride my bike with no handlebars. With no handle bars.

Yeah. And then one other thing I wanted to ask was, oh yeah, I had a friend who jerked off on his back and then put like paper towels on his stomach. Dirked off on. Oh, I could see that. I could see that. Yeah. Sort of like exploding onto yourself. So I feel like there's no, nobody teaches you how to do.

this so nobody kind of does it the exact same way yeah yeah I also I think that I when I was younger I was like a little like I don't know I was I was pretty resourceful so like it's I didn't need to be in a certain position to jerk off I just needed five minutes and I would figure it out yeah you're McGiver yeah right I just need a matchstick box right I'm gonna be alone for 45 seconds okay I think I could not Looking around the room like fucking Kaiser Solace. Yeah. Yeah.

So we always, we're supposed to give advice. This is if I were you segment. Oh yeah. Shower's my advice. Do it in the shower. Do it when nobody's in the room. With the dead man's name. Yeah.

And then there's no wrong way to eat a racist, you know? You do you. Right. It's a secret only you know about. Much like wiping. I do think you should maybe talk. to somebody about the flaccid nature of it all because you don't want to have like ED

like there might be a way to figure out the that was a flaccidness we should respond to this guy hey I know it's been six years but did you really mean ejaculate from complete right we should have a message next week holy shit it's barren trump what the fuck god that'd be there's no way

want to feel old this game guy who wrote in is now 24. That's still young. Yeah, that's still pretty young, actually. Right. Now that I think about it. Yeah. All right.

Segment over. Yep. And we're back. All right, let's get our heads out of the gutter. That's right. Let's talk about something beautiful. The written word. We can't just the spoken poem.

Just fucking talk about cranking it and yanking it. Yeah. We're fucking 53 and 49. I want to hear something beautiful. Let's read some poetry. Right. So we did poetry or noetry at our Chicago live show. So you already know which poem I wrote.

But I'm like, why do we just burn it at a live show? 300 some odd people listen to it. And then nobody else ever. I mean, I wrote a fucking poem. We should have it exposed to a wider audience. That's true. I love that for you. So maybe I'll read these three poems.

You can go back into what you were thinking at the time, what you did guess. I'll spoil it a little that says you didn't guess correctly. That is right. And also, if you're playing at home, try to figure out which poem is mine. Okay. Read them in the same order, too. Okay.

Same order, same poems. Yep. Play along at home. Yes, please. And don't lie and say, I thought you wrote this specific. It's not worth it. I want to know the God's honest truth. Okay, let's start with number one, which is called frontistory.

Frontistory. which is kind of a unique word. It's spelled P-H-R-O-N-T-I-S-T-E-R-Y, Frontistory. Greetings from the Frontistory, where words deny their mystery. An ergonaut and balloonist wife. Commit to rough an airborne life. An aqua-bib, a water drinker. Shrugging off lives in harder liquor.

The lucky man sits bona fete. The courageless. Obalcitate, regale with tale of daring do, defined lines, twixt me and you. Of future kind and history, not all can bear front history. Again, the word is front history. And now for something completely different. The approach of winter. The half-stripped trees struck by a wind together, bending all, the leaves flutter dryly, and refuse to

let go, or driven like hail, stream bitterly out to one side and fall, where the salvia's hard carmine, like no leaf that ever was, edge the bear garden. Yep. Poem the third. Landscape with the fall of Icarus. According to Brugel, when Icarus fell, it was spring. A farmer was plowing his field. The whole pageantry of the year was. awake, tingling near, the edge of the sea concerned with itself, sweating in the sun that melted the wings wax. Unsignificantly off the coast, there was a splash quite unnoticed.

This was Icarus drowning. Okay, I'm going to give everybody at home a few moments to think the poems again were frantistory, the approach of winter. the, what was the last one? Icarus. Oh, landscape with the fall of Icarus. Landscape with the fall of Icarus.

So try to really define which one you thought. Don't just say, I think it's this one, but I might be this one. Harness a fucking guess. Be courageous for once. All right. Now lock in your guesses, and I'll go through my thought process.

Yeah. Thought process was, I believe I said this first. I said front history was awful, but I didn't think you'd have the gall to read a Jabberwocky style nonsense poem. And it rhymed. Yeah, and it rhymed. It was just kind of, and it was so different than the other two. I was like, this is a red herring.

The approach of winter moved me. So I knew instantly that you did not write the approach of winter. Edge the bear garden. Even though that's sort of my M.O. when thinking of things, it's like, oh, it's cold here. It's going to be cold. The winter's coming.

That's sort of a theme I thought you would think I would write. And I would when you first said it. But as soon as you said that last line, like my soul stirred and I was like, no, he didn't write that. So I eliminated that one first. And then that brought me to- Like no leap that ever was. Edge the Bear Garden.

That's the one? Yeah. That's the line that gave it away. It's a good line. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, okay, so it's between front history and landscape with the fall of Icarus. And I was like, I think the fall of Icarus has like, it read almost like somebody was, it's almost like you went to the Wikipedia for Icarus and you were just like telling the tale.

And then there were two. A Greek myth of a guy who flew too close to the. the sun. Yeah. There were two, there were two parts of it that I was like, this isn't really a good poem. This edge of the sea concerned with itself. I was like, that just seems like somebody trying to be poetic and it doesn't really mean anything. The edge of the sea is concerned with itself. And then also, insignificantly, there was a splash quite unnoticed. I'm like, that's redundant. Yeah. So I was like, this is. It's a wannabe.

This is a, it's a poser. This poem is a poser poem. And the thing that gave me pause was the line, the farmer plowing his field, the whole pageantry in bloom. Like calling crops and food, like a harvest, a pageantry was a really beautiful image. But I was like, you know what? I think he has that in him. I think he has that in him. And I don't want to hear front history again.

So I had you read. And you did pull the crowd at one point. Yeah. And what did everybody think? I think a lot of them sought two. And you were like, no, it's not too. Yeah. They didn't like to.

I thought poem was good. I thought poem too was good. So I knew that wasn't. There was the first guy we asked, I was like, does anybody think it's front history? And not a lot of people thought it was. And I said, but one guy raised his hand in the front row. And I said, why do you think it was front history? And he was like.

The front row, yeah. Yeah, the front row. And he was like, well, most of the words were nonsense. And I was like, oh, yeah. But I think that's, I think he wouldn't have the courage to do all nonsense. So that was when I locked in my guess, landscape with the fall of Icarus was not you. Which was written by William Carlos Williams, who was you. Yeah.

Yeah. That's my pseudonym. Approach of Winter and Landscape, both written by William Carlos Williams, famous. as poet. Right, which made me feel bad because I really didn't like landscape with the fall of Icarus and I did really like the approach of winter. Yeah, but you know, you don't, you don't have to like everybody's poems if you're just like one of them. Yeah, I guess I like one of the lines, but, and then also interestingly, the, the poem was written about a painting. So, yeah, so I set this to Avital and she also, she actually guessed front history is mine because she, she's like,

Landscape of the Fall of Icarus sounds familiar. And it is indeed a painting by this guy Brugel. The poem starts according to Brugel. And then he just describes this poem. Yeah. And Avatal was pretty adamant that this poem was kind of cheating. Like he just, the poem is awesome and interesting. Or the painting is awesome and interesting.

But the poem is just like, yeah, according to this painter, this is what happened. Maybe that's why I didn't like it. You're just saying that's why I didn't like it. And what did? So tell me what you did with frantissory, because I didn't really get to it. to interview you about it. So with Frontistory, I was on the flight to Chicago, and I googled obscure words, because I'm like, let me just pepper this thing with words that don't sound like words I would use, because that's

part of the thing of trying to trick you is to use words that I wouldn't necessarily use. So I searched what are rarely used American words. And that sent me to a website called the Front History, which in itself is a unique word, because it means like a place to think. Oh. So then it was like, welcome to the front history. Here's all of these words that mean things. And here they are.

And one of them was Aquabib, a water drinker. One of them was lucky. Bonifate means lucky. Babolcate means having no courage. So I'm like, okay, let me like try to come up with this sort of like whimsical Dr. Suz style poem where the front history is like, ooh, welcome. Here's a guy without courage. He could call him bobolitate.

And he sits next to an ergonaut, a balloonist. Yeah. And an aqua vibe, a water drinker. So it was just like through all these random jobs in there. The one thing that I did want to say, I did want to add that I remember is tales of daring do, which sounds like Middle English or something like that. I'm like, I've never said that out loud. So I think that would trip him up. Right.

And it's funny because Tottenham's like slogan is to dare is to do. Oh, interesting. But have you ever heard of daring, do, D-E-R-R-I-N-G? D-E-O-R-R-I-N-N-N-N-N-N-O. I guess I haven't. I always imagine it was D-A-R-I, like daring and do. Yeah. Interesting.

It's D-E-R-R-I-N-G, like the Middle English version of it, yeah. Oh, cool. And then I'm like, and then to make it more of a red herring, like you said, the next two are just going to be fucking poems about the weather. Yeah. So it's like, does he really think I wrote a fucking Dr. Seuss on Acid Mad Magazine poem? Yeah. Or this other poem about leaves and Icarus falling.

I should have known though that you would have had more fun with the frantissory poem. Like, that is way more your vibe. Right. But I remember like the last time we played this, I wrote or I read Ella Teleutel. Fino, which was an elephant telephone hybrid. And you're like, that one's not yours. I'm like, oh, maybe he doesn't think I'm capable of doing something silly and whimsical. But that's probably one of the poems I could probably write better than the others.

Right. Front history might be better than Ella Telefino. Hellifino. Yeah. So I post somebody actually tweeted at me after the show. Like, can I read Front history? So I did post it on my Twitter account if you guys want to see it, Front history. And I think the website is called frontistory. info.

Let me see. Yeah, frontistory. Dot info, a thinking place. And it's just short scrabble words, jobs that don't exist anymore. That's great. Lost words. A whole glossary of shit like that. Okay.

Well, congrats. You've now gotten me twice or thrice? Yeah, once with Shakespeare, once with this. Okay. All right. Very good. Very, very good. And you got me once with the.

like naval poem or something. Yes, what he saw. That's correct. What he saw. What is it about what he saw that is just perfect? And still, I think my most famous poem is Hogwash or Ha'oon. Sorry, just Ha'oon. Yeah, just Ha'Onguash or Ha'oon is the game we play, yeah.

It should have been Sadie, though. Sadie is a great poem. We're getting eerily close to being able to do a booker at the very least. the brochure of our original poetry. Yeah, yeah, that'd be awesome. Didn't you say you've been writing poems, but you don't want to share them? Yeah, yeah. I was doing them almost as like a gratitude list, how some people do that to start their day. I was just like writing a free form poem every day. So you should do that less and just check TikTok more. I feel like that would be really good for you. Yeah. Like the journal of thing is kind of like bad. Right. Like to get your thoughts out as like,

it's corny is what it is. It's super corny. It's like, it's like, what if there was like a cover of a song or like you can learn about like online drama like do you know about how Zach Brian was emotionally abusive to Brianna chicken fry and now she's sort of just living her best life or do you have no idea about I don't know who either of those people are like that's the kind of shit that you are missing by doing the fucking what's it called the the poem the poem yeah the daily which has since turned into like every three days poem because it was kind of taxing but I still enjoy it now yeah it's probably like he offered her 12 million I was going to say and then D.A and she said no on the BFF podcast. Let's just leave it at that.

What's that? It's a pretty, it's a pretty big fucking deal. Interesting. And you should look at your phone more. Yeah. Or else you'll be out of the loop. Even if it's gray, you'll at least know what's happening. Gray TikTok? Even a gray TikTok is better than the most colorful poem you can come up with. Called the Front History. One last bit of unsolicited advice to you.

you. Have you seen the movie Jaws? Like the old the shark movie Jaws? Wait, the Spielberg movie? Like the original Jaws? That's right. Yeah. I guess I have but not not in like a meaningful way.

Like I haven't sat down to watch it as a movie. I feel like I've seen it on TV a bunch through like high school and college or something. Yeah. Do yourself a favor and watch it as an adult who just happens to like movies sometimes. It's a great, great movie Saw it last night,

one of Avital's favorite movies. It was another one of those movies where I think I've seen this, but maybe I've just seen so many references to it through The Simpsons that it feels familiar. But it's really, really, really, well made, well acted, well shot,

and obviously, because it's Jaws. It's one of the most famous movies of all time. But a lot of people are like, yeah, I guess I just haven't seen it. Right. It's such a part of the pop culture that it's just like, yeah, I've seen it.

Because I've heard the music and I've seen the poster and I like, I get it. I definitely watched it when I was a kid. So, all right, that's interesting. I have been watching just like rom-com movies because everything in the world is so intense that the only way to really unwind for me these days

has been watching like Notting Hill, Love is. Last night I watched two weeks notice. So they're getting worse. I saw two weeks notice twice in theaters. Why? My friend said I watched four weeks worth of notice because I liked it. I liked the Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant,

dichotomy. That's great. I mean, yeah. One last question. I enjoyed it too. One last question. I was playing charades with Abital and all her coworkers the other night as a game night. And one of my movies that I tried to write down for people to act out

was a Hugh Grant rom-com that I thought was known and nobody knew what it was. Have you ever heard of the movie? Wait, acted out for me. Oh, I can't because it's a really long time. title. Okay. It starts with, the title is like a full sentence, but it starts with the Englishman. Do you know what that movie is? No. The Englishman that went up, do you know what this movie is at all? This is sound familiar? Not even. The Englishman that went up a hill but came down a mountain. I thought it was a popular, at the very least title movie title. Nobody had heard of it. Wow. People were not happy to have to act it out. Was it good? Yeah, I remember seeing it and liking it. Maybe it was not good for charades. Yeah. Yeah. How did you do Englishmen? I didn't do it because I came up with the title.

Oh, I see. And I thought they'd get to Englishmen. Everyone was like, yeah, the Englishman that went up the hill and came down a mountain. But no, nobody knew that title. It didn't even ring the bell for anybody. That's a really bad feeling when you're doing charades and you pull up something that you're like, I don't know this and nobody else will. Yeah, I felt partly responsible. For sure.

I think it's you getting kicked out of another game night that Avital brings you to. Correct. It was on the razor's edge of doing that. Don't watch that. Watch Jaws instead. That's my advice. I might watch the Hugh Grant one. I really like these rom-coms.

Yeah, it is a British rom-com. All right, I'm in. Okay, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Oh, yeah. For more of us, we can check out our Patreon.

Patreon.com slash JA. Right on. And we'll be back next Monday as always. Also right on. Ciao for now. Bye. That was a Hidgum original.