If I Were You - 560: Mile High Club

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

In this episode we discuss Dingos, UFOs, and getting went down on. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. My name's Amir and he's the pinch. His crowd claws just won't give an inch. The second place is Slippery. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel.

I am Schmuel. Seven more verses. My grades were strong but you needed proof. Thursday tests are just a goof. The abuse is never ending from my co-host. He claims his name is liquid nice. Has everything with a side of rice. Not even near a Starbucks.

I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel.

I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. I am Schmuel. Can he do it? Can he hold his breath the entire time? Is he gonna hit it? Not as long as Jeff Buckley, but still pretty good.

That was really good. Especially if he was playing guitar. Yeah. Oh! Nice. Did you get the happy in there? Very nice. Just like Leonard Cohen would have done. Yeah, and the Jeff Buckley version though,

that he holds his breath, like he holds that note for like 40 seconds I think. It's really interesting. Yeah, it's showing off. Okay, so you're defending this guy because you wrote the song for you I guess. Jeff Buckley did a good version too, is all. He would be a good show-farist actually.

That was by Greg Jeffery, and it would be grateful if you plug his Instagram, Gregjeffre. Oh, okay. Good ways about Jeffery. That's where he very inconsistently posts music content. So. All right. There you have it.

Good stuff. That was a solid version. Like you said, it was the style of Jeff Buckley, but it's a Leonard Cohen song. So it's a cover of a cover of a cover. Exactly, exactly. Finally made it perfect because now it's about us. And it's a shame because Leonard passed.

So he'll never hear this version. As did Buckley. So. Jesus Christ. It's almost like a curse whoever sings this song dies, not an untimely, but ultimate inevitable death. Yeah, well, I mean, that's everybody. Ultimate inevitable.

Yeah, whoever does this song inevitably dies. Yeah. Yeah. That's everyone. Awesome who doesn't do it. Yeah. Like I'll be dead. Just cause I fucking heard it, I think. I'm swear to God,

I think time pushes us all towards the inevitable demise. Like we'll have to attend one another's funeral, probably. We will have, well, I mean, not both of us. No. One of us. One of us will have to attend the other's funeral. Yeah. God, I hope it's me. Hope it's me attending yours.

Hell, I hope it's soon. I hope it's soon. Just so I get it out of the way. Actually, I also hope it's you attending mine cause like I don't want to have to deal with getting to a funeral and like the ennui and sadness that ensues. Totally, yeah.

There's going to be, there will be an expectation for you to speak at my funeral. Yeah. You know that. And then it's like, yeah. And you have to be like one of those, what was the reference, but Jake would have wanted it that way.

Yeah. I swear he fucking would have wanted him to joke like that. He wanted me to roast him the entire time. Actually, I have a letter from Jake that says, he wanted you to take this opportunity to speak reverently, politely, and earnestly, sincerely without joke about Jake. It's like the best man speech you gave at my wedding,

which was mean to me the entire time. And then you were like, but, but in the end, Jill really is great. Hallelujah. This is a special episode after years, literally two and a half years of pandemic living. We finally figured out how to do a bi-coastal in studio record.

That's right. This has been a lot, a lot hard work went into this, not necessarily work of our own, but there's a studio in New York City right now that I'm sitting in. Yeah. Pretty incredible. Yeah.

Five to eight talented producers and engineers figured out this feat. And by the way, if it didn't work and you can only hear this and not see this, then they failed. Yeah. They failed. And I don't know.

I don't know. I don't want to like say heads will roll, but I can't see a world where Grimm comes out of this on the other side. Yeah. Yes. Basically it needs to go perfect for him to keep the job. Yes, exactly.

He's on the chopping block as it were. We're basically, sorry. I feel weird because he's in the room, but we're looking for an excuse. You know we call him thin ice, right? Like that's sort of his nickname around the office. Grimm knows that, right? Yeah.

Do you know that, Grimm? I do now. Thin ice. Are you there? Thin ice is here. He's behind the desk with fucking rock solid Emma. Just steady and true. Oh my God.

He can hear the flow. Yeah. She's a buoy. She's a life raft. She's a preserver. A boon. A lighthouse in the storm. But yeah, so I'm in the LA studio.

We've recorded here together. That's no problem. Yeah. Easy. Because I fly across the country and sit there and you just, you know, drive over from Silver Lake. I'm three miles away, you're 3,000, but we meet in the middle.

Yeah. The middle of Los Angeles. All right. And now you're in the New York studio, which I haven't visited. I'm in the LA studio, but we can still see we can interact with each other. I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out.

Like I have no idea what it'll look like. No clue. No clue. Should I be looking at the camera? Should I be looking at Jake over there on the TV? These are all little things that we have to iron out. Are you looking at me, Jake, or are you looking at a camera?

I'm looking at you on the screen behind the camera. Right. I wonder if I should look at the camera. And Grimm is giving me the thumbs up, which means he is banking his entire life on that call. Interesting. And then we do the final videos, you completely staring off camera to the left.

Why is Jake staring behind himself? Just like chin. I craneed my neck too much. It's soft out of focus, blurry of a chair in a different room. But yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out. I'm excited. And how about this for a new beginning? I know this is if I were you,

the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us as you see. Yeah. But I did a search of our inbox for questions that help us settle this debate. Okay, interesting. So these are still semi-advised questions, but also like kind of it opens up a new avenue,

a new bucket, a new type of question we can answer. It's an advice meets a debate show. I've been I've been angling for a debate show for a long time, actually. Right. And it's like, you know, everyone has like, I think I brought this up a few weeks ago. We have this like ongoing debate in your life

where it's like, I think one thing and somebody else thinks this other thing. Like, remember my air conditioner thing? And we're like, can you make it colder in here? No, you can't make it colder. Turning the air conditioning on lower will just keep the air conditioning on for longer, but it doesn't make it colder faster.

That's an ongoing debate in my household. Certainly there's ongoing debates in our listeners' lives because, you know, you talk to enough people, you debate enough things. We're here to help you settle those debates. Yes. So we're here to answer your advice and settle your debates.

Should we assign each of us a position? Like, what if we both agree on the debate? Oh, it would be funny if we disagreed and the debate raged on. We would need a third co-host to make an ultimate judgment call. Let's find out. Maybe we could bring Thin Ice into here

as sort of a judge character. Oh, like TIG? Yeah. Oh, what's the G? Grim. Thin Ice Grim. Got it. And now your microphone is corrected.

Is that right Amir? Yeah, okay. Yeah, so for all the hooting and hollering, if you can hear me clearer now, it's because this microphone hasn't been on for the first however long in this podcast. I don't know what John did to grim up Casey's work out in LA.

It's crazy how it's infected just being on a Zoom like a computer virus. But the reason you guys can hear me clearer now is because we finally decided to let's turn on the microphone. I'm talking to not just the microphone three feet away from me. Right. So, you know, New York,

New York's pretty buttoned up over here. This is, it's a tight operation. This is a well run ship. Okay. Sure. Well oiled machine. I feel like Los Angeles kind of fallen apart at the seams, but.

Well, the meta joke is that we were talking about something going wrong, audio, video-wise, and probably throughout that entire process, the audio didn't sound great to people. Which I'll take credit for, we did it on purpose. Yeah, you have to admit that now that's even funnier. The joke was fine before, but it's good now.

That was like. It was a goof, actually. That was commitment right there. Yes, and now it's like, okay, let's just, let's roll the microphone I'm talking into. You guys can hear me clearer. Right. So let's, so the debate then, we can start the debate.

First debate. Okay, right. Which had come off as better, New York or LA? I would, I'd say New York. To really to tell. I'd say New York. Let's see how the final product comes out. Yeah.

All right, this is a help us settle debate question that we got from a lady pilot. I think we have to call her Amelia Earhart. I mean, that's the gold standard. Right. Hopefully this lady is alive and well. Rest in peace. I'm like Amelia.

My boyfriend and I are on a spring skiing holiday in the French Alps. Awesome. And we were hoping you could help us settle a debate. The mountain we are staying on is over a mile high. And of course we've had sex a bunch. It's vacation, duh. So the question is, are we in the mile high club

because we've had sex in our room at the top of this mountain? Or do you have to be on a plane for it to count? Your help would be greatly appreciated. The argument has been troubling us this entire vacation. I wonder what position she takes. Like when they having sex? I mean, I can ask, but that seems like a pretty private.

Private question. Didn't mean that. But if it's a vacation, then we're definitely going reverse cowgirl. She's bragging, actually. I don't think they're actually debating this in a hotly contested manner. She's just saying we're in the French Alps

rather than sex, we're in the mile high club. I would say no. I mean, yeah, no. Mile high club is a, it's not, nobody, like if you have sex in Denver, you're not in the mile high club. It's not like literal like that. It means to have sex on an airplane.

Right, it's not having sex a mile in the air. That's just like the nickname that having sex on an airplane got. Yes, exactly. You haven't done anything hot. You just had sex on vacation, which is, as you mentioned, kind of the standard. But it is, I guess having sex a bunch here

in the French Alps is hot, but it's not necessarily danger. The whole point of the mile high club is that you can get caught. People are looking at you. It's a very tight space. It's hard to logistically do it. Yeah. Have you, are you in the mile high club?

Did you have sex on a plane ever? No, but we made a video about this once that I'm actually in the quarter mile high club. Right, that's when you sort of put the blanket on top of you and you kind of crank it while the stewardess is going up and down. I thought that was the half mile high club and the quarter mile was you get a chubby

and weight in line to use the lavatory or something. Yeah, so that's the one I'm in. Not the one where I should be arrested for public masturbation. Right, well, I think you did that too. You've never had sex on an airplane, have you? No, no, never. That's pretty interesting, right?

That I've never had sex on an airplane? Has it ever come up? Has it ever come close? It's come close. I got a hand job on an airplane once, but quarter mile high club. That's the quarter mile high club. It's hard.

I feel like now it must have used to be easier. Now there's like eight fucking stewardesses on an airline. There's too many flight attendants. Yeah, it's weird because you have to keep your mask on. How does that even work? I'm sure you wouldn't have to keep, well, you don't have to keep your mask on anymore. And that would be the least of my worries.

I prefer the mask on. I mean, there's always a line for people deep when you come out of the bathroom. Yeah, and you're gonna have to come out together. And there's not like, yeah, we were just using, it's not like a public bathroom. It's like we were both in there talking, we were both in there using different things.

It's like, no, you come out of there with somebody else. It's a hundred percent certainty that you hooked up with that person. No, the trick, cause the trick is like, when you do it at a bar, you have to come out and pretend like the person is sick. It's like, sorry. Yeah, I was just holding her hand back.

Yeah, she's sick, you know. There's no room for two people in there, like even just a stand. So like, I can't quite. Yeah, obviously don't sit up in first class very much. Yeah, you obviously don't sit up in first class at all. If you don't think there's no room for people to stand. I guess.

You're choking on something. All right, I had a lot of granola and a soluble earlier. But yeah, I guess like on your non-direct spirit air flights to LA. Frontier through Kansas City. Kansas City to Pittsburgh up to Hoboken and then the Greyhound to Port Authority. Yeah, that's kind of your shit.

That's how you travel and that's cool. But yeah, I can imagine you're not having a lot of sex on the frontier flight. You said you weren't having sex on it either. I said I got a hand job. I said I got a hand job. And it was a Southwest flight. And it was a white lie.

Cause all I did was sort of adjust my nut sack that I was accidentally sitting on top of. Do you know anybody that's ever joined the Mile High Club? Actually, I don't think I do. I know one person. Really? Who? You do, it's a high school friend of mine.

I don't want to out them on simulcasts. Like they'll text you. All with each other if you could believe it. Yeah, it was with like a college girlfriend. And I think it was a daytime flight. It wasn't like, like red-eye seems kind of easy because it's like it's completely dark and most people are sleeping.

I think this was a daytime flight. I'll ask this person to confirm or deny. It seems like the kind of thing you do in college. It's a college caper, to be sure. Yeah. Okay, so final verdict for this. Help us settle the debate. Did we join the Mile High Club?

Yeah, I would say no. I think definitely not. Yeah, but it sounds like you got another flight coming up so you have an opportunity. All right, let's take a break. Thanks some sponsors. Come back correctly recording this episode of our show. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring

this episode of our show. Hell yes, thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you.

Yeah, right. I've been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I know how to sleep for the better part of the decade. I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress.

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Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow, for years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know

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Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good, let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. No unsolicited advice this week. Yeah, we've got debates to get to.

We have debates to settle. That's right. Here's another sex related debate question. The best kind. Yeah, from let's call this guy Davis Jan. Davis Jan. Right. Hey guys, love the show.

Help me settle a debate I'm having with a friend whose girlfriend cheated on him. Is it worth, sorry. Is it worse for your girlfriend to have sex with another guy or if she goes down on him? My friend says sex is more cheating because it's more intimate. But I'd say oral is worse because there's some

intentionality and it's done mostly for the pleasure of the other person. Let us know what you think. Love Davis. That is a good question. This is a good one. I'm curious. I think oral is worse.

Not because of the first thing he said. I feel like there's intentionality behind both acts. But it's the selflessness of oral that really does it. It's the act of giving. Yeah. It's a gift. And it's funny because sex is like, you grow up in sex is the final frontier.

It's like, I've had this but I haven't had this. It's the furthest you can go. It's the most bases, yeah. And so you assume that sex is the worst kind of cheating because that's like the most intimate, biggest whatever. Yeah. But the way he lays it out, it's like, yeah. If someone I was loving partners with went down on someone,

that would affect me more than the sex. Sex can be impersonal. This is like the most personal thing one can do sexually, it seems. Yeah. I guess, well, yeah, then it depends if you were cheated on by somebody who received oral sex or gave it.

Wow. Interesting, yeah. So the three options were, someone you love went down on someone else. Someone you love got went down on. Went down on. Got went down on. You can't went down on.

I got went down on. I got went down on. God. The sentence bothers me more than what you did, actually. Got went down on. I don't like your vocabulary at all or your personality. I think you shouldn't do that slash end your sentence with a preposition.

I'm so sorry to tell you this, I got went down on. Excuse me. I got went down on. I made the biggest mistake of my life that I got went down on. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I did get went down on. And I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it back is what I'm saying.

I never wish that I had got went down on. I wish I didn't went, got went down on. I wish I did get went down off. That's also bad, getting off is bad too. Yeah, that is your next song, the next fade on shuffle, got went down on. It's another country song like the other side of hard. You should be making a competing album.

Somebody needs to do a devil went down to Georgia style. Got went down on. Got went down on. The devil went down to down to down to down to down. Well, you already did it. Okay, so it seems like. Oh yeah, so. It's giving oral, receiving oral, having sex

and let's say 69 had. 69 and also auto-philatio. Interesting, so your partner just sort of goes down on themselves while somebody else watches. Okay, well you introduced the other person that's light cheating, auto-philatio, not cheating. 69ing actually a little bit better than just giving, I think.

Right, because it's almost sex. It's this silly act that you guys are doing together. Nothing silly about it. Well, it's a little silly. Just the name 69 is like just by definition lighthearted. Yeah, we were just having a fun little 69. How are you gonna get that? We didn't even have sex, we just 69ed.

I would be so confused if you have sex and you, or if you 69 and don't have sex. You also do really kind of imagine that oral is just like leading into the sex. Okay, so. I still think the worst is giving oral sex. Yeah. That's the hardest to come back from.

I think it's extra bad because it tends to be something you do early on in a relationship. I feel like you perform a lot more oral because it's new and exciting and there's some kind of added level of intimacy to it. Something basically that you used to do in a relationship that you don't do anymore you did for somebody else. That's probably the worst.

Yeah, I went to a movie and held hands with him, but that's it, is that worse than sex? No, of course not, we agree. Yeah, but at the same time it wouldn't be nice. It wouldn't be nice. There's also like, to me there's like, there's like, you think about cheating as just like crossing a line.

So like oral is maybe going further across the line than sex, but it's both beyond the line. They're both beyond the pale. They're both grounds for dismissal. Holding hands? I don't think I end a relationship over that. What if your mom just drives you to the mall and then his mom picks you guys up?

Who are you thinking that cheating is with? If your mom drives you to the mall, are you cheating on someone with your mom or you're saying the mom brings both of you to the mall? Like, yeah, it's kind of like a sixth grade relationship. So like nothing sexual happened, just like I swear I messed up, his mom dropped us off and we went to the mall for like two hours

and like he just played arcade with his friends and I was there and then my mom picked us up and drove us home. See in sixth grade, that is kind of the worst you can cheat because there's not really anything happening. Right. So it's like, yeah, the stuff that we're supposed to do together as boyfriend and girlfriend,

like go to the mall and hang out you did with somebody else. That's cheating. That's cheating. In sixth grade, that's cheating. But to do it now, 35 year old's dad drives. Yeah. If honestly Jill and another guy who- Yeah, a mall.

If some guy's dad drove my wife and his son to the mall, they got dropped off and then Jill's mom picked both of them up, I would break up with Jill for just being so weird but not cheating on me. The guy was 12. So yeah, then I definitely need to break up with her, right? Because like, why did she even get his dad to drive them? Yeah, like how do you even come up with that story?

And who is this 12 year old? And that's, yeah. Honestly, it's gross that you came up with the scenario. Like, I feel like you're accusing my wife of doing it, but it came from your brain. That it would even be a puzzle. There's not really malls in New York, right? Like that's sort of-

That's the last reason it would happen or not, you know? Like, Jill's not like hanging out with the 12 year old but doesn't have a mall to go to. That's not the issue, right? Like are there malls in Brooklyn? Yes, there are. Indoor, outdoor. Indoor, yes, there are malls.

Yeah, there are. Food court, like a whole nine yards. Yeah, the Barclays, yeah, the Atlantic center. Yeah, that's a big ass mall, right? There's a Target, there's a Best Buy. There's a bunch of stores inside, there's a food court. Really? Yeah, hot dog on a stick, yeah, that the whole nine.

Yeah, and my wife is there with a guy, but he's 14, asshole. He has had his bar mitzvah, so he's an adult in the eyes of the Lord slash me. And he's gonna get his learner's permit in two years, so he don't need his dad to drive him no more. He's going to get his learner's permit. Actually, Jill can be the adult.

That's true. The adult that watches the, whatever. We shouldn't even be like entertaining this time. Obviously not. Obviously not. Yes. What's the debate here? Which one is worse?

We agree that it's oral is worse than sex. But both are bad. Yeah, both are bad. But ultimately, I guess what we came out of here with is a song called Got Went Down Not, which this borderline inspired slash perspired, but ultimately I was the visionary. Jake will be able to run with it to his little friend

that makes the song for me. Yeah, I'm sort of like the fucking bandmate you're talking about. You're not the composer. That's actually what I do. Actually, I'm the writer. Gareth is the composer. You're nothing.

It's fair to say no band has ever operated like this, though. There's no way. There's a guy that came up with a song, a guy that wrote the lyrics, and then somebody else that does the whole thing. Yeah. We're pretty unique.

We're pretty unique. Yeah. We're pretty unique. We're pretty unique. Yeah. What's the poster for that look like? There's not like three of us standing side by side next to each other.

It looks like this except Gareth should be in the middle. That's cool. And Gareth, how old is Gareth? Isn't he like 14? Yeah. Gareth is nine. Jesus Christ. But he's gonna be 14 in no time.

In five years to them all. Okay, more questions, more settling. Actually, let's take a break, come back and settle some more debates after these messages. Let's do it. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com for sponsoring this show.

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgun podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now,

but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit. Like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, it could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Nana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift.

A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A, frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's auraframes, A-U-R-A, frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. All right, another debate to settle. Again, if you have long lasting debates in your lives, hit us up if I were you show at gmail.com. Yes. All right, let's get right to it. A few months ago, my wife and I were driving on an elevated freeway near a lake.

I was driving and my wife pokes me and says, what the heck is that? Pointing over the lake. There was a large yellowish looking blob of something floating dead, still above 150 feet above the lake. It was not drifting in the wind or moving at all. It was not a drone or a balloon or a paraglider

or anything else we could easily identify. I was driving about 70s, so I only got a good couple seconds look. But here's the rub. I thought this was a crazy and interesting story. So next time we were out with friends, I brought it up thinking of asking what they thought it could be

or if they've ever seen something similar. And my wife immediately clammed up when I started telling the story and totally refused to back me up. So I'm left sitting here explaining the story, sounding like a lunatic. Everybody looks uncomfortable on the topic of discussion changed quickly.

Am I the crazy person here? Is there any way for me to share our experience without sounding like I'm nuts? Or is my wife right? And it would be better to just shut up and forget we ever saw anything help me settle this. I guess this isn't quite a debate. This is more angling towards the

just general advice question. Well, we just decided to test out this pivot. So we haven't actually called for any debates. This is the first time we're doing it. What did he say? This is, it was floating in a lake or it was above the lake? It was above 150 feet-ish above the lake floating.

A brown blob? Yeah, a yellowish blob. Describe it for me one more time. Large, yellowish blob of something floating dead still above, about 150 feet above the lake. Interesting. Have you ever had a UFO-esque thing happen to you?

No, no. Nothing that couldn't be explained. Yeah, and then when people do bring stuff like that up to you, like it had, what else could it be? Whenever somebody says that to me, it's like, I saw this figure, what else could it be? And I'm like, I don't know, it could be anything.

You can't explain it, it has to be this thing. I think that's the ticket right there though. It's like, you don't have to know what it was for it to be, it's an unidentified flying object, but UFO doesn't automatically mean alien spaceship. It means I didn't know what it was. So like, if there's a satisfying answer out there, you're allowed to keep on asking the question

as long as you're not leading people to be like, so I saw an alien, here's what it looked like. You try to fucking tell me what a yellow blob over a lake was, because there probably isn't a rational explanation, there usually is. Yeah, I'm usually too skeptical. I will be the last person, like if you saw an alien and told me about it in detail,

I would first not believe you before ever coming to the realization that you saw an alien. So I also wouldn't believe it. I don't think I would ever see a UFO and be like, I would go to you and be like, I saw an alien. I would go to you and be like, something presented itself to me like an alien,

but I know that it's not, so what is it? And I'll be like, what was it? And you'll be like, it's a flying saucer the size of a building hovering 10 feet above my house. Yeah, I think you're- For the better part of an hour, and a green creature came out of it. And I was probed, anally or otherwise.

I think that that would be like, that didn't happen. Yeah, you're not crazy for seeing something, but it would be crazy if you assumed and told people that it was an alien, but you haven't done that. He's saying, here's what we saw, what do you think it was? Yeah.

I mean, ghost stories are very similar. Don't you have a similar like, I have a ghost story situation? When I was little, I thought that I saw a ghost. And like, I have memories of seeing those ghosts when I was little, but I think it was just like being a kid and my eyes were tired or like,

even now sometimes I'm like, did I tell you about how I woke up and I thought there was a crow in our room? How? You woke up in the middle of the night thinking a black bird was in your room. Yeah, it was so scary. So it was the night,

so we got a puppy recently, which I haven't actually talked about on the show, but- Holy shit. This is just a whole episode of Firsts. That's right. So we can talk more about him, but I got a puppy. You bought a zoo. I bought a zoo.

I bought a dingo. We have a very cute puppy. That the puppy mill, right? Wasn't it like $10,000 and you said it was too expensive? It was only $14,000, so yeah. But it was bred for your specific size, weight, and quality, wasn't it? Yes, yes.

And the first few puppies were a little too light for you and you described them, right? We had the tongue removed so it can't bark. You bought a rug, yeah, I remember. Yeah, no, it's a rescue, very cute, very cute. We really did the right thing. So the first night we had him sleeping in our room in his little crate.

Named, did you say the name? Yeah, dingo. Okay, so dingo was in a crate. Yeah, dingo was in a crate. You're supposed to keep the puppies in a crate to sleep. Okay, nobody fucking canceled me for that. They're dead animals, okay? So anyway, he's sleeping and every time he makes any noise,

we take him outside to let him go to the bathroom. And what's that? That's an example of a noise. Is it a bark? Is it a whimper? Is it a groan beyond? Usually like a tiny little whimper, or like really he's like mostly asleep

and then if he starts like rustling around, it means that he like needs to get out or like he wants to pee. He's restless. Yeah. But that's all to say that like we were kind of trying to keep an eye on him all night. This is the first night that we got him.

He's also like 14 weeks old, not like six weeks old or anything like that. Okay. So anyway, we are sleeping, being very attentive to Dingo. And I guess at some point in the middle of the night, Jill turned like and you know, turned her other, she put her head where our feet were. She like flipped around 180 degrees in the bed.

So she could sleep with her head towards the foot of the bed so she could be closer to Dingo's crate so he could see her and not be like stressed out or anything. Oh, that's very nice of her. Yeah. This was all unbeknownst to me. So I woke up thinking that I needed to walk him

and all I saw was what I was 100% sure was a crow sitting on top of my wife's feet at the bottom of the bed. And I was just like, whoa, oh, frozen with fear. My first instinct was to run. And then I was like, well, you can't run. And the crow is in the room and like something's gonna happen to Jill. And then I was like, okay, so I'll gather all these sheets.

And all we're having this full plan. Yeah, I'm standing there at the base of the bed. Standing. Yeah, I'm up, backed away from the crow. And I'm like, okay. So thinking about, I'll just gather all the sheets and cover the crow. And then I was like, oh, maybe I can sneak around

and just open the window and try to shoot out the window. And then Jill started talking to me. She's like, what's going on? And I'm like, there's a crow in the room. You still thought it was, you were fully awake. Yeah, fully awake. Telling Jill there's a crow. And she's like, what?

I was like, there's a bird on the bed. And she was like, where? And then I realized that it was the crow talking to me. And it was- What are you saying right now? This is a dream you were having? No, this is all. I realized that the voice was coming

from where I thought the crow was, which it was Jill's hair tied up in a bun at the base of the bed that I thought was a bird. Return the puppy. Return the dog at this point. You're a danger to animals. It's obviously not safe with the- Oh yeah, you think hair is a bird?

It was dark. It was dark. And her bun was just right on the top of her. It looks so much like a crow. And then when you realized it, you're like, oh, sorry, nevermind, or did you laugh? I laughed and I was like, oh my God. I think it was more of like a,

it was like a chuckle of relief because I didn't have to deal with this. I was petrified. You know, what do you do? Do you try to tackle the bird? Do you try to shoot out the window? Yeah, you probably don't try to tackle the bird. That's the debate.

It would have been incredible if as you realized that was just Jill's hair if there was a crow in your room. In addition to that. Tack from the back. Oh, thank God. It also thought she was a crow. Jill's a crow.

My dog is a crow. It is interesting that birds rarely fly into houses. Like I have my kitchen sliding door open a lot. I can't remember any time a pigeon just flew in. Yeah, but then, you know, you go to like JFK and they're everywhere. Yeah, I guess if it's big enough, birds know to avoid, you know, rooms.

Although I have had birds fly into my window. Yeah, so there should have been inside. You should check behind your couch. There might have just flown all the way in behind the wall. Now they're dead. There's no way. All right.

Unless, no, there's no way. However. So this, this guy, so all that was to say that I thought I saw a ghost when I was a kid. I thought I saw a bird on my wife's feet, but it was just her head. Sometimes there are eyes on you. There's always an explanation.

Yeah. Yeah. Although a lot of people do think they once saw a ghost or a UFO or something or other out there. Totally. I think next time you are alone with your wife, ask her to repeat the story and like, you know,

hear how she views that encounter. Yeah. And then maybe let her lead the way if you want to tell more people about it. Cause it is an interesting story and it's a fun conversation to have. It's just not fun if you're like using that as definitive proof that aliens exist,

which it sounds like you're not. So everything's fine. Yeah. But I also get the wife's reticence to just like start talking about this stuff cause you almost seem like a crazy person. Right. But I mean, just to be like,

Hey, this is crazy thing happened. You know, that's it. That's, it is crazy. It's interesting. There's no. That's a yellowish blob. Yeah. There's no real answer,

but you don't have the answer either. So that's, yeah, it's like what you're saying. You can't be like, you can't explain it. Therefore, it's an alien. Actually, there's a Blink 182 poster behind you. Shout out to Tom DeLong, who is a alien believer, right? He's like a chaser.

That's correct. I believe song two on this album is aliens exist. I thought you froze, but you're just staring at me. I froze in fear cause now I'm starting to realize that maybe there's a case to be made about it. I mean, there's something that happened with Tom DeLong. Like he got them to declassify a bunch of stuff. Like there's, there's like that stuff in the news now

that's like the military has been tracking UFOs for a long time and like admits that they exist, but. Right. Area 51 style. Yeah. But not necessarily that it's aliens. Just that there's stuff that's flying out there that we don't understand.

Right. Which is fine. Which is fine. I'm sure there's stuff in the sea also that we don't really fully get. What's the deal with octopuses? Like I never understood that. Yeah.

I mean, people, I think people do understand those, but there are aliens that live here on earth already. An octopus is an alien. Congrats. That's. Or jellyfish. Don't they not even have a brain or a heart or something? Yeah.

And they fucking, I was attacked. We talked about this. I was attacked in Italy by a jellyfish and Italian jellyfish as it were. Are you sure it wasn't just Jill's hair? Really fucking funny. Why don't you yuck it up? Scumbag.

See what happens when I come to Los Angeles. You laughed at me. I'm gonna fly there. I'm gonna come to that studio and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass. And I'm gonna. Wait, I'll take you 12 hours. I won't be here.

Yeah. You're gonna hide from me, huh? I'm gonna tear that studio apart. I'll destroy that studio. Like I'm a rolling stone. It's 1969. Okay. There's no need.

Yeah. There's no need. And then people will ask you why you did it and be like, because I'm your sort of gently ribbed me. I can't even remember the joke you told. But I know that it was importaste. And it was ill-natured.

Yes, it was. You said something about my hair? No. I did not. You're ill-natured. All right, that's it. Whole episode of Firsts. Hopefully you guys enjoyed that.

Hopefully you guys have more debates, long-lasting debates that you guys want us to settle. Again, email address for theme songs, whether it's got went down on or debates you want us to settle or advice you need. It's all if I were you show at gmail.com. That's right. And we have more videos on our Patreon,

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It's okay. You can consume media at your own pace slash leisure. But definitely check out the YouTube and subscribe just to see how this all turned out aside from the first eight or nine minutes. Yeah, when a different microphone was on, that was, that's gonna be interesting as well. Okay, the opening theme song was, oh God,

Jeff George? No, George Jefferson. It was something Jeffrey, J-E-F-R-E-E. Yeah, Greg Jeffrey. Greg Jeffrey, Jeff Buckley. Let's listen to that one more time. Shout out to Jeff Buckley. Shout out to Greg Jeffrey.

Shout out to you guys for listening and shout out to Thin Ice for nailing the landing. Way to go, Tig. We'll see you guys soon. Bye, everybody. ["Herd There Was a Mic Award"] Her there was a mic award that's gilded and it's jakes once more

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