If I Were You - 561: Bagels and God

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

In this episode we discuss destination weddings, car leases, and how to pronounce a baby name. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. While this is a story of if I were you, a podcast ran by two Koi Jews. They're both really funny and give great advice, but only one can win the golden mic. If Amir doesn't win pretty soon, I fear he might kill himself over Zoom. So sit down and listen to if I were you, and we'll see if Jake can finally lose. You got it? Yes. Yes.

A great song. A great tune. I think I did win one recently. You sort of gave it to me and snatched it back at the buzzer. I didn't snatch it back. You lost it. You fumbled. You fumbled the ball in the end zone.

I don't even know if you're allowed to do that in football. Well, if I broke the plane, it's a goal. Well, it's not a one-to-one football wise. It's more of a classic football, like the world football where you scored a goal, but then had it overturned by VAR. So you gave me the award, and then you used a video review system. Upon reflection, during review, your celebration was eye-off sides, like what was the ruling there?

You're focused on it being exactly like the sport. The ruling was that you clearly couldn't handle the... You couldn't handle the shine of the moment. Quite frankly, and I hate to even say it like that because I know you'll just interpret it in a way that's negative, but the stage was too big and the lights were too bright for you. The lights were too bright for you, yeah. Exactly.

And I had never seen anybody shrink like that to the point where they couldn't even have the trophy because they were smaller than the trophy. The rise to the occasion, it was more like dies during the situation. Well, that theme song was from Caleb Grenier. Actually, we're so low on theme songs. I'm searching for ones that I think we haven't used, but we might have used.

It didn't sound familiar. Yeah, it didn't sound familiar to me either. But if you are sitting on a theme song or if you know that you submitted one in the last year and you know that we didn't get to it, let us know. Send it to us again. Please do. We're in the market.

It's a listeners. It's a submitter's market right now. So we'll probably accept your offer. Oh, and people have been submitting us debates since we aired that last episode. No, because it just went up yesterday upon recording. I see. It's a little early.

It's a little early. All right, cool. I'm still hoping for the Settle This Debate podcast. That's our new career pivot. Any long-lasting debates in your life that you want us to be the tie-breaking vote for? That's right. Has anyone come up in your life recently, debate-wise?

Oh, that's a good question. Debate-wise? I don't think so. Has any come up for you? No, but I am trying to figure out what to bring to my parents' dinner tonight. So if you have any ideas. Oh, actually, a debate did come up recently.

A friend of mine is going to a wedding, basically a destination wedding. It's like a driving destination, but it's at a hotel that is so expensive that for the weekend, it's $2,400. And there's not anywhere else to stay. That's where, like, they're part of the wedding party. They have to be on site, $2,400.

And he was like, do I have to get a gift because I'm spending so much money to be there? And what would you say to that? I would say no, because it's kind of outlandish that they're demanding you to go and making you spend $2,400, which is definitely more than you would spend on the gift. Oh, yeah, absolutely. And that's why I said I think he does have to get a gift

because this is very annoying, but not getting a gift, I think, is too big of a slight. Two wrongs don't make it right here. Oh, you're saying they do have to get a gift? Yeah, I think you do have to get a gift. And you can look at the registry and get a less expensive gift. Yeah, that's like two candlesticks for $24 or something. I think a wedding gift is usually,

the wedding gift I think is supposed to make up for or even out what the couple spent on your food and giving you and your drinks and a good night. Which is more than that, yeah. 100%, you're definitely still in the red. I don't know. You're saying everything that I agree with, but then you're saying that's why you have to get them a gift,

and I'm saying it's the polar opposite. You don't get them a gift because the couple has been nasty to you. Yes, but it's $150, which is not a small chunk of change, but it's on top of this $2,400, so it's just like call it $2,600 that you're out on the weekend and you've done no wrong. You've been slighted, you've been insulted, and you still have the social grace

to do what you're supposed to do in this situation. The groom and the bride missteped, but you don't have to. So is it $1,200 a night? $1,200 a night. I'm sure. That's crazy expensive. That's like the fancy hotel in the Inyosemite level prices. Yeah, I stayed there with Jill.

It's less than that. Do you want me? It's less. $900 is still a lot, and they have to pay more than that. Also, I was like, well, at least is it like a sick hotel, and they showed it to me, and it's not. It's a radison in Sherry, New Jersey. It's kind of like that.

It's just a little bit like, I don't know, a Trump-y, golf-y type vibe. Like a country club. Yeah, exactly. Not that cool. Not that cool. It's not like some solar hotel in Big Sur on the gulf with everything glass.

That's right. Paid four dinners and anything like that. Exactly. $1,200 a night to come to my wedding. The pressure is really on for that wedding if it's not that good. Yeah. I went to the most convenient wedding last weekend, which was just in the valley, kind of next to where we shot Lonely and Horny.

Wow. I drove there, parked right next to the house. Taco dinner. Was that Ruby Jade's mansion, right? Yeah, pretty much. Next door. Ate some food, drove home. Very convenient.

Wow. Anytime you could sleep in your own bed after a wedding. After a wedding. That's really great. Yeah. My sister's wedding was down the street. It's great. Can't beat that.

We walked home. Wow. That's the most convenient. Yeah. All right. We actually have a wedding question, so why don't we get to that? All right, let's do it. This is if I were you, the only advice pod on the internet, we should say.

Yes, that's true. That's hosted by us. Right. You do have to qualify it. I'm Alistair Jeremy. And I'm Ron Jeremy. Wow. Alistair's brother who has fucked on camera for near 60 years.

Not bad. Have you ever seen a Ron Jeremy porn or do you just like know about him? I have seen a Ron Jeremy porn, but not in like a way that was like, oh, wow. Yeah. I used to watch this porn. I feel like it was like, I don't know. You actually seeked it out. Right.

Yeah. I mean, he was a porn star for a long time, but I think it was his heyday was before I was watching porn. Yeah. I did see him in the Burbank Airport one time. That's cool. Flying to Vegas with two plastic shopping bags. No cap.

Empty. One of the goldfish in it. It really was. It was so sad looking. Do you think you'd have been into porn if you had to be like one of the guys that rented it from like behind the velvet rope of a 2020 video and like, no, not kind of porn or like the internet allowed you to embrace your inner porn. Yeah.

It was definitely the access. You wouldn't have been like a man. You wouldn't have been like a going to like a nickel theater where you sort of crank it in one of those private stalls. I guess I don't, I don't think so. I really don't think so. You want to believe. I do.

Yeah. I have, I'm confident in myself. I have a high, you know, a sense of self-worth that makes me want to believe I wouldn't have sunk to that level. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Yeah. Jerking up in a movie theater. I don't know.

All right. Here's the question about a Halloween wedding. Okay. So we know it was submitted recently. We'll call this lady Elvira. Who is that Halloween-ish actress from the 80s? Elvira writes, long time listener, first time with a real question. My boyfriend's sister is getting married the day before Halloween and the wedding invite

said costumes encouraged. I don't know how seriously people are taking this, but I've asked a few of his family members and they're wearing costumes, but I don't think it's actual costumes or I don't know if it's actual costumes or just a nice outfit with a few costume accessories. Either way, I don't want us to be the assholes who fill out dress out in costumes or the assholes who show up in just nice outfits. What would you do? Thanks.

Love Elvira. Well, I mean, it's really, that is a good question. I feel like I actually talked about this with a friend recently who was like giving a guy advice on what to wear to like a work Halloween party or something. Right. And we came up with some good costumes specifically for a fancier event. Okay. You have Dracula, who's basically in a tuxedo.

All you need is teeth and a little blood, slick back hair. So you can do that. You can do Clark Kent Superman, where you are mostly in a suit, but with like a superhero thing underneath. That's cool. But this is a lady thing. Yeah. But you know, you can pull that off too.

Be Wonder Woman. Same vibe. Or Clark Kent Lois Lane, if you got a date. Also exactly the people that you're talking about right now, you know, Frankenstein and Elvira, they're wearing suits also. Yeah. Like a costume that requires one of the people to wear a suit. I think so.

Dumb and Dumber. Dumb and Dumber is pretty solid. You could also do just more like Halloween decorations on your fancy clothes. So you wear like fancy clothes, but candy corn earrings. That's good. On your wrist. Little, little pumpkin. You know, pumpkin earrings, candy corn cuff, cuff.

That's tasteful. It's tasteful. Oh, and maybe. Oh, man, a cool one would be Scarecrow and a tuxedo because you just have hay coming out of the suit, you know. Yeah. What about like you're in a suit and you jump in a puddle of mud and roll around and then you just arrive.

So you're still in a nice costume, but you're covered in shit. That's interesting. What's the costume? I don't know. A guy that like got chased during a fucking wedding and it's like a zombie situation and you fell in manure or something. I don't care. So you should.

I really don't care. Yeah, you're half-assing this. You're putting it in. What are you? Like whatever. What's going on with you? I'm just saying like it doesn't matter. This isn't our wedding.

You didn't even pitch a costume. You said a guy covered in mud and shit. A guy in a fucking suit covered in shit. Why would anyone want. He cares. It doesn't matter. Just say that's perfect. It doesn't matter.

Why pitch that? Why pitch something so, it's so cumbersome and inconvenient to be wearing a suit covered in mud and shit at a wedding. And I'm saying, why do you want that? You're saying it doesn't matter. Say good job and move on. All right. Fine.

Fucking, what'd you say, the Scarecrow? Yeah, it wasn't even that good, but sure, you say that one and I'll say it's fine. What about if you're dressed as fucking Dolly Parton and you're covered in shit? What is that part of the equation? Dolly Parton is fine. You don't care one way or the other. So don't suggest that they cover themselves in shit if it's not an integral part of the costume to you.

Don't be flippin'. Bride of Frankenstein. So you show up in the fucking white dress, which is considered a no-no since it's a costume. That's a faux pas. And it's a nice little twist. You do shit your pants. I see.

That's cool, because that way if the bride is jealous, why did you wear a wedding dress? You shouldn't be jealous of me. I shit in this dress. Yeah. I shit in your dress too, actually. How did you do that? You fucking magician. Cool.

So yeah, that's, I think, good advice from both of us. Also, the American Psycho suit, where it's like suit, but you're over it is that clear raincoat thing. 80s suit. I feel like if it were me and I knew the couple getting married well enough, I would reach out and be like, what level of, do you guys want people to try hard for these costumes? Because if it's costumes encouraged, then there might be some people that are not really doing any costumes, and then you show up in a really good costume and you'll stick out.

But if the couple is like, no, yeah, everyone should, there's going to be a costume part. It's a contest, costume contest, then you want to do it. If anyone's, everyone's like wearing suits, like you said, and has like candy corn cufflinks, and then you show up like the fucking cowardly lion. Yeah, you're painted green. You're up to see the wizard. Sorry, you have to take your seat. At the very least, don't interrupt the ceremony.

I don't have a rain, like knocking shit over, not breaking character. Is that the latest Jake and Amir costume thing where you're the scarecrow and you sing a really sad song, or is that an earlier one? I'm sad that I don't have a brain. No, I think that was, we shot it in the New York office. Yeah, that's the newest. Oh wow, we're coming up on Halloween. You have to get out here so we can make another one. Costumes part nine.

Costumes part five. I will be in LA next week. If you want to try to shoot that, we got to just fucking batch order some costumes today. I can already smell the cheap styrofoam costumes that we always get and how hot and uncomfortable they are to wear. I think it's time. Opa does still lead a sad style life, so maybe it is still current. Okay, let's take a break. Thanks, some sponsors.

Come back, answer more quests after these. Yep, yep, yep. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes, thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz.

I know how you sleep for the better part of the decade. Excuse me, I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right.

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Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life.

Maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase.

Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't. Oh, yeah.

I forgot our hand sign. Everybody is watching at home. We have. Yeah. We're on zoom. We've got the hand sign. What do we call this one? Triforce.

Triforce. The weird. Threared. I have a weird threar. It's so bizarre. I don't know how you can do that. I really can only do it with one hand. Like I can't do it with this hand.

Yeah, that's what that's what mine looks like. I have some sort of tear in my right hand. I think I'm double jointed in my right hand. Like I can do something a little better with this one. You know, I can like bend my finger back a lot like this. Yeah. That's insane. That's a lot.

That is a lot. I don't know what double jointed actually means. Like what's going on anatomically speaking. Yeah. I think it's deeply unhealthy. It's your your malnourished. You're not supposed to be that bendy. It's the beginning of an osteoporosis journey.

I don't have any unsolicited but I think you do. Yeah, it's kind of niche but somewhat universal. If you ever leased a car before the pandemic, you'll enter this problem. The pandemic is still raging. I guess it's twice as hard. Every car is more expensive. There's no supply anymore.

So back pre-pandemic times, you want to lease a car. You just go to a lot. You test drive. They got all these options. You want it in black. You want it in blue. You want this big one, small one, test it out. Let's negotiate a rate.

You can give you something a little bit better. Fast forward to three years later, your lease is over. You're like, give me a new car. And they're like, we don't have any cars. The car you want is twice as expensive and you'd have to like pick it up in Palm Springs two hours away. And I kept hearing it and my time was finally up. I had to return my car and I didn't want to spend $600 a month

instead of $300 a month on this pretty much the same exact car. So somebody recommended I use a car broker, which I didn't really know that sounds like travel agent. I'm like, that's something old people use. I don't really have to do that. I can figure it out myself. I use the internet, but with car situations, you do have to like go in and actually talk to the dealership

and there's nothing worse than talking at the dealership with someone who knows a lot about cars and that's their job. I just do this once every three years. I don't know if you're taking advantage of me or whatever. So somebody recommended to me a car broker, which is like a guy that like is a professional, basically lease slash used car buyer that can help you navigate and save you money so you don't have to deal with a car dealership.

So he was able to like negotiate rates for me, shop around, do all this stuff and what does he earn? That's what I asked. I'm like, what's your rake? Because like if you're just doing all this price comparison slash shopping for me, what's your big bud? I guess he gets paid as part of your new low monthly rate. So like I still save money because I, you know,

instead of paying $600 a month, I'm paying $300 a month and it should have been like $270 but $30 goes to him. So he gets paid basically in the savings that he gives me. I see. And do you pay him what over time or all at once? It's all baked into this new like car loan that I got basically like instead of leasing. So Maz does.

Yeah. No, it's like the bank that he uses to finance this car loan, he gets paid from them or something. Wait, so did you buy your car or you're leasing a car? Instead of leasing a new car, I'm basically just continuing to pay for the car that I have because if you're like me, you probably didn't drive this car all that much and your car is worth a lot more than a normal three-year-old car.

I see. How many miles did you put on that thing? So I was allowed 10,000 miles a year for three years, but instead of 30,000 miles, I had driven at 9,000 miles. Holy shit. Yeah. So my car was borderline new and they're like, because the price of the car is baked into what it was in 2019.

So look, you can be paying for what they think the car is worth, but yours is actually worth a lot more. Right. It's a very specific problem, but everyone seems to be going through it right around now because if you ever leased a car, I come from a leasing family. A lot of people just buy used, but if you have a leasing system in your family, in your life, in your finances,

then I guess try to find a car broker. I don't want to shout out this specific guy just to keep it universal, but yeah, car brokers are really helpful. Interesting. I remember, I think Jill used a lease broker, like somebody that found her the best lease price when she moved to LA. I leased a car in 2019, December 2019, just before the pandemic. That's right.

And I also had 10,000 a year for three years, and I've driven it 32,000 miles. Wow, you went above. I went over. Yeah. Because of Connecticut to New York Trips. Yeah. We drove a lot.

Man, but I also, I was able to just, my lease is coming up as well, and they just had another car for me. That specific car or like the 2022 version of the 2019 version? The 2023 RAV4. And is that what you had before? Not the specific car. I have a forerunner now, but I'm downgrading to a hybrid, or upgrading to a hybrid, depending on who you ask.

Right. So the car is cheaper, but since it's three years later, it's actually the same price. Maybe. I have no idea. Yeah. This whole thing made me text the guy and find out what the price was going to be. They're very nonchalant.

Yeah. And at the dealership, you know, they're all, their goal is to make as much money as possible. So like using this broker guy, you don't have to deal with the dealership at all, which is kind of nice. Yeah, that is nice. So yeah, that's my very specific unsolicited advice. So you love the Mazda.

I don't love cars. So like as long as I'm comfortable in a car, I don't really care about like upgrading, changing, constantly shifting. I'm like, this car is fine. Let me just keep paying for it. And then in like. Yeah. Cause you only drive to work in around the neighborhood.

You're not going to. Right. Or to my parents' house, but it's like 10 miles away. Yeah. I'm not taking like cross California trips. Right. Right. Um, all right.

Let's see if we have any more questions about car financing. Ideally. Oh no, it's actually more interesting questions than that. Uh, okay. Another question from another lady. Oh, okay. Uh, this one's about baby names. Good.

So we'll call her actually Loretta Lynn just died. That's a great name. She was a country singer. Loretta Lynn. 90 years old. Uh, so Loretta writes, hope you're doing well. I have a problem that is extremely minuscule. Okay.

What am I lifelong friends recently had a baby and my friend met her husband while studying abroad in Israel and they have since moved back to the same city I lived in, which is great because I get to see them all the time and be a part of the baby's life. The only problem is I hate the baby's name. My friend is fully American, but our husband is Israeli. They picked a name that is super cute and relatively common with English pronunciation, but they insist that her name be pronounced the Hebrew way, which sounds very unnatural when I say it.

Uh, it would be like if the baby's name was Hannah, but they demanded I that I pronounce it Hannah. I'm not trying to be super racist. After all, I'm also Jewish, but it annoys me that my friend who grew up with zero Hebrew whatsoever, all of the sudden has a baby with an ultra Hebrew name. I think the part that's getting under my skin is that they will correct me every time I accidentally use the English pronunciation. Oh, I feel like a bad friend or person.

I realize I get the turdy for this, but how do I get over this and get used to saying my friend's baby's name the way they want? Wow. You're right. It is minuscule. How often is she going to actually say the baby's name? It's the real thing. You can even say baby.

Look at that sweet baby. Oh my God. I want to eat this baby. You don't have to say Hannah or Hannah or whatever the baby is. Right. I think, yeah, you can, I feel like you could give the baby a nickname. They're correcting you for mispronouncing the name, not for calling the baby anything else.

They say, hi, baby, hi, buddy, hi, whatever. Give the baby a cute little baby nickname that you call it game over. They're not going to be like, hey, use her name. And if they do, then you also have to do that. Because they have the baby. It is not your call. Yeah. Worst case scenario, you just have to practice saying this name a bunch and I bet you'll

get used to it. Here's an interesting thing. I thought it was, she actually provided the name of the baby in the email. Okay. And I thought it was going to be one of those words with like a letter that doesn't exist in English. Like kind of like Amir is actually Amir. Like you're not supposed to say the R that way.

Yeah. Or the ha, where it's like, that's annoying to say Hanukkah, hummus, like that. You don't want to be that kind of guy. Yeah. But she says it's okay if you want to say the baby's name on the pod. And it's actually not that different way to pronounce it. So the baby's name is E-D-E-N. You're done.

So in English, it's Eden, of course, but they want me to say Eden. That's so fine. Eden. Yeah. Eden. Eden. Eden. Which are, you know, letters we have.

Eden is just, it's like saying Ed, like Edward, and then the letter N. Yeah. It's totally, you're like, look at this Eden. It's nice. Oh, it's so sweet Eden. It's actually Ed. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's kind of setting up the baby to correct a lot. Like that's the one thing I don't like about names like that, where it's like, for the rest of this baby's life, she's going to have to say, actually, it's Ed. And that's actually Ed. And it's like, yeah. At a certain point, the baby's just going to give up. You're like, it's Eden. That's fine.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. But I think that if your friends are telling you to pronounce their child's name correctly, you kind of, and it's to be fair, she is asking, how do I get over this? Not, are they wrong? Because she knows they're right. That's right.

She already feels bad. I mean, how often do you say, right now, use your Eden as a more familiar word for you than Eden? But how often do you say Eden, you know? Yeah. It's not that hard. Garden of Eden. Right.

That doesn't come up very often. So just keep on saying Eden. And eventually, that's going to be more normal than Eden. And it's not that hard to say. And it doesn't sound that bad. It's cute. It's pretty. Eden, yeah.

There's some Hebrew names that are unfortunate translations. There's a Hebrew name for a girl, Milan, which is M-O-R-O-N, you know, moron. That's unfortunate. You don't want to be a Milan. Yeah. Yeah. Moron. That is really good.

We've had some cousins, Milan, where it's like, I hope you don't move to America. It's not going to be an easy transition. Yeah. But Eden. Moron. Yeah. Eden is nice. Eden is actually very nice.

It reminds me, you know that street in Los Angeles, Rowena? Yeah. I started calling it Rowena at some point, and it made me like it a lot better because that soft E is really nice. Rowena. Rowena. Yeah. Eden.

Eden. All right. You'll get over it. Lorena. And if they're cool with a nickname, that also works. But I feel like for them to be cool with a nickname, you have to at least reliably pronounce the baby's name correctly for a little while. And eventually.

Call her, yeah. Call her little E, and then they'll say, actually, it's little E. E. E. Like you're clearing your throat. Yeah. I think you're going to be okay. If you practice saying it a bunch, you won't feel dumb saying it.

Okay. Let's take another break. Thanks, sponsors. Okay. Come back with more questions and answers after these. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business.

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you a free four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this HEDGUM podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire HEDGUM network, Jake. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. She told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. So you can upload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift, a really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A, frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the

best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. It's on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's auraframes, A-U-R-A, frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping.

Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Wow, this must be a Ladies' Choice episode because it's three ladies asking three questions and the third one is having a crisis of faith a little bit. Whoa. All right, save the best for last.

Let's call her Mary. Mother Mary, come to me. Who's- I guess Jesus' wife or main chick or a side piece or something. I think mom, but I'm honestly not sure. She's actually God's side piece. God had a wife and then cheated on her with Mary and that's on God. That's not to put on God on blast, but I really think he cheated on his wife with Mary and they made Jesus together.

But let's see what problem Mary had. I'm a 32-year-old woman from Montreal, Quebec. I grew up in a super Christian family and I've been pretty religious myself. But as I'm getting older and after a few years away from the church and Christian community, I don't think I believe in God anymore. Should I tell my parents or should I just let them think it's a bad phase? I know they pray for me and they hope I'll come back closer to God. Also, I love you guys so much.

I've been following you for five years. Your podcast is helping me get through a rough breakup probably between her and God. When I need a laugh, I just put you on and feel better. So thank you. Love it. Thank you. Love that. Thanks for everything.

Love Mary. All right. I'm a big fan of not disappointing your parents. Just like how often do you see them and does it matter that much if they think you believe in God or not? Right. It only comes up if they're like, now it's time for us to go around and do this God thing. And then it's like, okay, now they push the envelope.

Now let's go to church and pray for three hours about God. If you have a kid, I hope you're going to do this God thing. You have to do it, right? And then he's like, actually fine, it's snowballed to this point. I just wanted to let you know that I don't believe in God and having it for the last nine years. Yeah. I've been there.

I've been on both ends of it where it's like a small lie, snowballs into a bigger reveal later on where it's like, it's almost better to do the micro disappointments along the way. Although this seems like a major disappointment. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, if you, you're a non-God believer, if your kid at age 32 is like, I believe in God, would you be as disappointed as these parents who are like hearing for the first time that their child doesn't believe in God?

I mean, there's, it would depend on so many factors, but on taking that at face, I would be disappointed. What are you talking about? Yeah. But there are plenty, like Stephen Colbert is somebody who like deeply believes in God. Right. They always get around in it by being like, yeah, I believe in a strong connection and that's my God.

It's like, well, then you don't believe in God really. You're just saying you believe in like something important. I guess I also believe in the power of positive universe slash. Yeah. Exactly. Like, yeah, I believe in things like that. But I mean, there are people that are just like, no, I, yeah, like, so you believe in making connections and that's your religion.

And I believe there is a guy in the sky and I will go to heaven and live forever and be happily ever after it. Yeah. There's a lot of loopholes in this believing in God thing. Yeah. So I think it depends on how much if my kid was like, I believe in God, I'm like, that's I theoretically would be like, that's good for you. Don't try to push it on people.

I have no son. That's weird. Um, and yeah, I don't know. I mean, it depends how much time you spend with your parents and how overbearing they are about it. I think, I think not, I think not believing in God to somebody who does believe in God or parents that do is more disappointing because it's like such a part of their life slash like, I don't know, brain that they raise you and they could almost consider themselves

failures to be like, I, how did I raise this child to question God, even though really people also, it's a sign that you raised them correctly, that they were able to critically think past your specific viewpoint. Right. That's true. But they also, there's like the added thing of like parents who believe in God and believe in heaven and who have a kid that loses faith. They're actually like, well, they're condemned to eternal damnation.

They're going to feel a fire of hell for eternity. Yeah. I'm really concerned about that because I'm scared that you'll go to hell though. Yeah. That's, and that's a, you know, for somebody that believes, that's a really sad and scary belief that like this person that I love is I'm going to go to heaven and they're going to go to hell. We won't get to be together in the afterlife.

So it's a fairly, yeah, that's pretty intense to think like I have no real proof, but like that's what I've been taught that you're just going to, I think go to hell. Yeah. I can go to hell. And it's kind of a hard circle to square or whatever that phrase is, but like if heaven is, if heaven is like everything is perfect, then your kid actually would be there, right? But they'll go to hell. So how is heaven good?

If that's not, I don't know, thankfully it's not real. And then you don't have to actually worry once you get there, but you're going to feel so stupid if you go to hell. You're going to feel so dumb. Yeah. I feel like you could spend a thousand years there. You should have been like, if only for the fucking 70 I was alive, I believed I wouldn't be in this fucking dark carnation slash damnation.

You know, by the way, at the very least you could say, you could just agree with them that it's a phase. Like, yeah, I think maybe I am going through a phase, but I like question my faith and I don't feel like I believe right now. Maybe my journey will lead me back to believing, maybe they can tell you about their doubts or something, but you could rather than being like, no, I'll never believe it's, you could just be like, yeah, I don't believe in God right now lost my faith and maybe, maybe we'll see what happens as I get older.

But by all means continue to pray for me because that's, that's something that would make you feel better. I don't care, but you can do it. You could do like the vague loophole where it's like, I do believe in a higher power. Like that's honestly my God is a Jesus. I was going to say, my love of poetry is pretty good, but not as good as Jesus, I think Jesus saved you. All right.

Jesus pro poetry. You're saying it really specifically, mom. I'm just saying that, I believe in like this cosmic connection we all have. No, you really have to believe that this guy was the son of God and he's going to save you from going to hell. Like the more specific it gets, the harder it is to wrap your head around. It's really true. So I, there's, I mean, the three options are lie, say that you believe, but you're busy

doing other stuff. The micro disappointments say that like, oh yeah, no, no, I believe, I just don't feel like compelled to go to church right now. I'm not there. And then, you know, you keep on going really slowly down that off ramp or lastly you blow it all up and you say, I don't believe. But to me, it's like the constant fight would be a real drain. I don't know.

It's tough. It is tough. Yeah. Cause it's parents plus religion. Those are the big two. I wonder if anybody has like an easier question. Oh, here's one about the best bagels to get in New York. Oh, I love that.

Yeah. That one has an actual answer. Simple question for you. In New York in November, where should I get the best bagel? Are you a bagel guy? Not really. I'm just a big fan of like, I mean, there are, there's, um, Frankles in our neighborhood is really good.

Yeah. I honestly think bagels are too big if they should have speak freely. It's, uh, by the end of the bagel, you feel like you've had, I think there is like some correlation like eight slices of bread or it's like, I didn't need to. Like I can have half of bagel and feel fine. I don't need to. It does depend. There's also a place called black star diner that, that does like a very, it's a smaller

or more manageable bagel. And so does, uh, Frankles. But yeah, like a lot of the big Brooklyn places are just like huge, huge bagel, ton of cream cheese. Yeah. I'm a big fan of just like the classic bodega breakfast sandwich. I think that's the best thing you can get in New York. A roll.

Egg and cheese on a croissant from the bodega. It's incredible. What's that lower east side place that I went to? It's like a Jewish deli bagel outpost. Outpost. They're like, they just opened a new, uh, is it Russentotters? That is one. There's like another one upstown and then they opened, uh, I forget what it was called.

They opened one. Something to see. I'm looking online right now. Gosh, I wish I could provide you, but I went there and they had good food beyond just, um, bagels. Let me see. It's just a specific bagel. Oh, it, it's, it must be Russentotters.

The Russent, there's a newer, a newer one that they opened. It, I mean, there is one on East Houston. Yeah, it's not that it's like even souther than that. It's like a blue and white. Oh, black. Is it not? It's black seed bagels. Is it? That doesn't sound that's the one I was thinking of.

Oh, Russentotters Cafe. That's what it is. So Russentotters is a place on Houston and then there's a Jewish comfort food that has bagels, uh, a cafe in, uh, like on Delancey in the Lower East Side. That's my recommendation. Gotcha. But yeah, like I'd rather go to like a deli, like cats is deli than just a specific bagel shop.

And I'd rather, I think that the move is to tell your parents that you don't believe in God, but that's just who you are. And you're okay with them believing in God. Because if you're talking about the bagel guy, yeah, I'm talking about the bagel thing again. But if you make it about like, you should believe, you should believe, I don't, like you just have to be like, that's not me. I respect what you guys feel like, but that's not me.

I think that's not good enough. That's all you. Yeah, that's all you can do. What percentage of Americans do you believe in God? Wow, I guess. Or do you think believe in God? 65%. Oh, you think it's the majority?

I do think it's the majority. This random article I just googled, says it's 81%. Wow. Is that what you would have thought or you would have thought less? I would have thought less. I thought I read something that like now atheists are the majority in America, but I guess not. Interesting.

Yeah, according to that random article. Exactly. FakeGodFacts.com says 81%. Wow, that's a lot. Incredible. So we're in the minority there. I guess so. OK, enjoy your bagels if you want them or God, if you want.

I'm not here to tell you how to live your life. I just prefer lots of all soup, I guess, to God. Yeah. All right, if you have your own questions, your own debates that you want us to settle or theme song, send them all down to iffiverrushow at gmail.com. That's right. And we are still making videos on our Patreon, patreon.com.com. slash j a.

Ja, there might be a new Jake and Amir video if I can convince Amir to order a bunch of Halloween costumes for next week. That's right. The hard part is ordering and returning them. But once you do that, the script writes itself. Exactly. And we will be back, of course, next week, every week for the rest of our lives. Right on.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. And one more time. What was that guy's name? That classic, classic song that we didn't remember if they had just written it or not. Caleb. Totally. Maybe.

Caleb Grenier. That sounds right. Grenier, that's it. Caleb Grenier. Well, this is a story of if I were you, a podcast ran by two Koi Jews. They're both really funny and give great advice, but only one can win the golden mic. If Amir doesn't win pretty soon, I fear he might kill himself over Zoom. So sit down and listen to if I were you, we'll see if Jake can finally lose.

That was a hit gum original.