If I Were You - 563: Demons

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

In this episode we discuss blockbuster videos and lackluster burritos. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. This is Amir. You may know me from College Humor. Or from the third Harold and Kumar. And now you're listening to my podcast. I am so gassed To give advice on all that you've asked And if at points you think I've been crass

Take it up with me on Thursday last On Thursday last This is her wit Maybe you're thinking that you might kiss Someone who you think could make a fuss And then they won't be able to trust you or the feds Who make us both a part of your plans You wear us like an old pair of vans

We hope that we've been able to transform or realize And though this counts as only advice Maybe he's made some of you think twice Every email's a road of the dark Right to assume We can't promise we'll find the way through After all we are just who you do Still it's fun to think what would we do

What would I do if I were you? Hope it's coming back in with another verse! We should do one episode that's a 48 minute song If somebody's willing I will dance for 48 minutes That was long and we started it like 30 seconds in He had an intro The song had an intro longer than most of our podcasts

You low key almost didn't play it I waited and waited and waited And then I'm like I'm out and you're like no Give it a shot And now I'm not even going to say who wrote it Because I don't want to give it that much of a chance Alright fine I will Actually not only did I give him a second chance

But his first email didn't include the song I had to reply and say he didn't attach it So this guy did a lot for the song But the bare minimum elsewhere Yeah I guess that's true He wrote, Matthew Pope Heard your call for submissions Please check out my latest Hope You Like

Sorry the track's so long but I felt the intro was necessary Yeah I love that You cut it I disagree with that Well the intro was necessary The greatest song start like instantly Yeah my girlfriend doesn't that start like Instantly like second frame one

That's yeah that's really good My friend's got a girlfriend Yeah that's a good one too Instantly a song that's like you hit play And then it's like I can't think of a third example But you guys know what I'm talking about Totally Yeah I can't think of another example

That's another when you press play and then it's like There's another offspring song that goes You press play and it goes Yeah so maybe offspring just likes that Right they're just good like that If you could plug my YouTube channel Matt Pope On which I post all my music stuff Including J and A theme tunes

That would be sick Thank you Matt Pope Yeah big ups to Pope A few cool things about this episode One we're in studio again So we're in the same room We're constantly shifting sometimes It's zoom sometimes it's room

Sometimes it's two different studios We've yet to do a me and you in the New York studio That's what I want to do That'll be my favorite permutation But this one's my second favorite We've also never done one outdoors Oh that's true The closest we did was the

Dublin Comedy festival I think Which was a tent It was outdoors adjacent That was one of my favorite shows we've ever done I believe So if you're listening to this You can also watch a pretty high quality If all goes well version of this podcast on our YouTube channel

Right which is It's like youtube.com If I were you or if I were you show or something like that Something like that It's a Google search away They got our YouTube search And then also I don't have my computer Right now

Because we solicited Instagram questions So I can't even access them on the internet Folks if you're not following At Jake and Amir Is it at Jake and Amir Or is it at jake.amir And

Dot Amir Yes it's jake.and.amir Right Instagram We couldn't get Jake and Amir just straight up No it was poached on the day I hope actually He stole it The guy that owns the right

Jake and Amir channel I think they're holding it hostage though That makes sense But we got Some pretty good questions from y'all And Let's try to dive right into it Lightning rounds not unlike last week

Where we asked for questions on Twitter This is the Instagram version of if I were you The only advice pod on the internet I'm Amir I'm also about to DM the Instagram user At Jake and Amir Which is just Two very old photos of us

They don't need it They follow me They do follow you You think they're checking that I'm worried that they're not checking Probably not Did you see that I'm trying to Sell my Instagram

I did see that I feel like you were Sincere in that regard Yeah A lot of Iranian slash Persian Fellows just follow me Because they're friends with Amir And they just click follow

So I'm thinking what if one of them is Hella loaded Hecka loaded actually And then they offer me big bucks For the account at Amir Or maybe there's a company called Amir We really want that If you put that in your bio

Sell it in the name This handle is for sale I keep changing the price I think the last one I just said was $20,000 And you would actually do that Right Because then I'd have 20 grand and I just wouldn't use Instagram anymore You wouldn't use Instagram anymore

Or I'd just use the Jake and Amir account Because Instagram is sort of dying anyway I feel like now is my time to sell A little bit higher than it will be Before it completely becomes just like a tiktok That's cool Okay, do we get any questions that you like? Yeah

Matthew Sente says Jake, how does it feel constantly having All that dead weight that is Amir Do you want to take that one? I think he's just sort of trying to separate Slash antagonize, create a rift in us But our bond is too strong

There's no way you would ever even justify that With a response, but let's hear what you have to say In a goofy fashion It's It's waited on me for a long time It's waited on me for a long time Oh yeah, I was going to say Go fuck yourself

Or you can This is what I think about that Right Actually there's two answers Yeah, for those listening I'm going to take his dick Oh god That's good stuff

Alright When will Ben join the pod again? Do we FaceTime him? Maybe we can get him on like a video Let's try, he's going to instantly hang up There is no way he continues it FaceTime him He will instantly hang up

He loves a good instant hang up Yeah, no one Does an instant hang up better than Ben Schwartz Alright, here we go You might not even answer, right? That's good So we are, for those at home We're FaceTiming

You can hear the Yeah, he's unavailable Just so you know, we were dangerously closed Who asked that question? That's a great question It was the Jack Thrasher So know that we're always trying We are listening to your suggestions

He left us on red Fair enough And it made us feel blue Taylor5413 Can you guys make Cheryl 4? Interesting I didn't even know we made Cheryl 3 Did we? I don't think we did

I thought we only did 2 Well this person is thinking ahead So it's the Allison Williams, Jake and Amir episodes We definitely made 1 and 2 Yeah, definitely made 1 and 2 I don't think we made 3 I really don't think we're going to make 4 then We'd have to get Allison for 2

FaceTimer Just constantly FaceTime people Who don't pick up I'm going to see if we made 3 Jake and Amir Cheryl part 3 No, it was only Yeah, no, we did not do A part 3

But I love the idea This is a good question Modern Base Paul What did your hometown blockbuster turn into After they closed? Interesting fact My hometown did not have a Blockbuster, we had a

Like a non-chain Called Best Video An incredible store, it is still there today Wow VHS DVDs I think they Rent Rare movies and DVDs now

Or things you can't find on streaming Or maybe just like Yeah, it's fun They're also A travel agency Which is like another bad pivot A dying thing on a radio And a coffee place

And they do like open mics So I think it's kind of like a little artist hub All in one There was also A Tommy K's video Which became Tommy's tanning salon That's good

That can't go home You know, you can't just like Download a tan So our strip mall next To our house growing up was It was a Barnes & Noble Which is now a CVS It was a Blockbuster

Which became a Chase Bank And it was a Gelsens Which is now an Amazon Fresh So that's the Current modern dystopia that really is This world sucks No bookstores, actually I just saw Barnes & Noble Really? I almost had to pop in

That was like a thing before you were like 18 but after 16 when you were driving places We would just drive to Barnes & Noble It was like one of the few, you can like look at magazines And stuff like that Yeah, Barnes & Noble is a fun place to walk around in They still haven't been to New York, they're still the one in the union square

Oh really? Yeah, that's great There's four Barnes & Noble left Is it wrong To become Lord of the Dance Side Winder, Sean What does that mean? Not sure Hey Jake, would you let Amir Wear your hat for the rest of the pod

Says Bon Joffles Absolutely not Yeah, no way A couple different factors Going into that decision One, I Haven't showered since yesterday I took a shower at the gym

Shout out to Equinox Shout out to my jacked body And then I didn't I didn't like brush or comb the hair So it's like kind of a little nest Right now Sort of what my hair looks like No, your hair looks fine

I showered recently and I didn't comb it But I guess you have more My hair is wavy, so if I don't comb it a certain way It dries My hair is stringy because it's turning gray And I guess gray hair is drier Interesting, that's fascinating That's why when you see like gray hair

Dock brown style, you wouldn't see that Like as a brown hair Right, you wouldn't see that like falling down Yeah, exactly And what's the third reason? Your hair is greasy, unkempt You have lice And maggots

Lice and mice And everything nice What is your favorite M.M. Holler asks What's your favorite Amir pen name During the scroll episodes Top 10 this to whatever by Maybe Amir

Valery, or no, Amir Rodrigo Oh I don't even know if there's an Amir in there I think it's just Rodrigo Yeah, okay, then it's that one Rodrigo Oh Amir Valery Bloomingville is also just like

A classic, but I don't know if I can even Think of the other ones Amir Valery Herwits, I was wondering You go, no, and I go, oh yeah That's good too They're all gold to me I was stolen your name

Rachel Lombok asks What are you guys being for Halloween this year? That's a good question I do need to come up with a costume I'm thinking about pivoting back to cat Mmm A lot of folks know that I was A black cat for nine years in a row

Yeah Ended up kind of being a performance art piece Life as art Yeah A cat has nine lives Then After that I was a lion And this year

I don't know what I'm going to be And I think I might go back to cat I'm going to go to a party Are you going to go to a party? No, probably not Is that more because of like A COVID thing or because of Like being an old thing It's sort of a combination of like

I don't want to go to like a crowded bar party Mmm Because of COVID dangers Plus I wouldn't necessarily have a lot of fun there anymore Right, you know Interesting, so it's not worth the risk to you Risk plus reward Mmm

It's more risky than a rewardful experience Interesting Is your party like a house party at a friend's Or like, it pays $75 And this place is open bar House party at a friend's Bar party So you need a costume

I do need a costume That's another barrier to entry I don't know what I would You don't need much though for a costume Just wear your tennis outfit and hold your racket Your André Agassi I need a wig Actually last year or maybe a year before I bought a messy jersey

Oh, that's right You can do that again Alright, one more and then we'll take a break We may have to buy a new jersey now that he's on PSG It's actually really expensive to buy a Soccer jersey I found out Football, yeah I had to go to a specialty store because they're not even everywhere

And then this one was like $140 You got the official one Give me the one that doesn't say messy on it A generic Barça jersey Here's one that's interesting Junior Mountie asks, have you seen each other's cocks? I feel like we've gotten this question before And I have seen your penis

I believe twice Maybe thrice And it is nice You have a hug Congratulations Put it there, pal Yours is Different

I saw yours this morning You were Doing a quick change Or that's what you called it but I think the pants got Stuck in your thighs I fell over You were hopping on one leg You said hold on, hold on

One second, one second And then you fell on your dick You showed it to everyone Is it usually this beat red I really think I injured it And we said are you okay And you said I'm not sure if I am But if I am okay, the show must go

We got this question today Given that that happened so recently Yeah, I can't remember seeing your D Dipping in Florida I gave you the courtesy The honor of staring at your eyes And you did me the disservice

Of sort of staring at my I was surprised you wouldn't have seen my penis I feel like I peed in the car while you were in it Yeah, you've done a lot of Gatorade bottles But again, I wasn't You weren't peeping As a top, as it were

Do you still do that, the Gatorade bottle pee situation Yeah, yeah, oh my god Sarah, who I gave her my truck Where is this going She was like I drank all the Gatorade in your trunk As an honorable thing to do She was like

I keep your Gatorade bottle in there Because it reminds me of you It doesn't smell like piss And she was like You peed in that one She thought that I just had it at the ready for Just in case a new bottle And I was like, no, no, no

I pee in it repeatedly and dump it out So you reuse them I thought you just peed in them And threw them away And got a new Gatorade That's just the bathroom And I would eventually throw it out But not when you're selling the car

I think each one probably held 12 to 24 pisses You would do it in front of Jill, right Yeah, I would have to There's no other option We would be driving And I'd have to pee And Jill would get annoyed that I needed to pull over

And she would always be like We're always going to be half an hour later than we think Because you have to pee twice So then I'm peeing in a Gatorade bottle And she's just grossed out Which one do you want We're not going to leave early Or I'm not going to piss myself

It's like, yeah, we either have to pull over Or I have to pee in the car And I don't know which one you would rather But it seems like she would rather Me just be able to hold it Which is a non-starter That can't happen though Although you have been sort of

Hacking your body recently And checking off things that used to Ill you, maybe that can be one of the things Yeah, it's definitely That would not be a bad thing to look into I just don't know if I want If the doctor gives me medicine that I have to take for it I'm not interested

Or if it's bad news, there's this weird thing on your bladder We have to amputate your beet red penis You can't handle that But you'd rather deal with the Frequent urination It's not that big of a deal To me Alright, let's take a break

Answer some more questions after these messages Thank you to Helix Sleep For sponsoring this episode of our show Hell yes, thank you For making the sleep test The sleep exam And letting me ace it And become the doctor

Of the mattress Yes sir Yeah, so Helix makes a really great Mattress line And you take a little sleep quiz To see what mattress is right for you Yeah right Jake's been bragging about completing

This two minute Honestly like Buzzfeed Light quiz I don't brag about completing it I brag about acing it I brag about acing it Because you got the mattress and it was great Yeah, I got the perfect mattress, thank god

Thank god I took that test That's right, and if you want the perfect mattress You can go to helixsleep.com If I were you for 20% off All mattress orders and two free pillows Amazing, free pillows, come on Yes, this is their best offer yet And no, it won't last long with Helix

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That's 20% off Amazing, thank you Helix, sleep well Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring This episode of our show, wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace Because it's the best way for dummies like me And potentially you

That don't necessarily know how to code Or design to create a professional Looking website So if you're building an online portfolio For yourself or a loved one Or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store They have 24-7 live customer support

Email campaigns Data, you can even purchase A domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld Is a good dude I bet that's available

And you can have it today And you can buy it through Squarespace And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life Maybe you want to give somebody a gift This season, a summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that

Is to go to squarespace.com If I were you for a free trial And when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you To save 10% off your first purchase Again, squarespace.com Slash if I were you Free trial, everything looks good

Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace And we're back So many questions this episode We got to just plow through Besides you're unsolicited of pissing

And a Gatorade is like We already kind of did that It's already been covered Who's a guest that's been on your shows That you think forgot they did If I were you? Jaymore Wow, you had that at the ready

100% it's Jaymore What about Yardley Smith AKA The Voice of Lisa Simpson I guess made... Yeah, I'm pretty positive That she forgot But also, I wonder how many podcasts She does

I know she hosts her own podcast At that time to promote her show I see, so she definitely did forget Dr. Drew We technically went on his show But he forgot about us Shane Dawson I don't even remember that

I justine No, she remembers Cool Early on Gabriel He's done it nine times I hope you didn't forget Let me FaceTime him

Everyone's ignoring you All right, Max Ferg asks What was the most recent time you cried? Wow Probably when my dog was sick and I thought he was going to die Oh wow, that is really recent I'm so sorry It was like maybe three or four months ago

He had a cough for a week He was basically honking like a goose nonstop He either has heart failure Dying And that's what they told you at the vet? Not in that plain terms But yeah, that was basically what it was narrowed down to So it's like we would take him to get an x-ray

Wow We're waiting for the results of an x-ray And that x-ray was going to be like It's heart failure Terminal or fine And that was when you cried Yeah, that whole week was like Hunking, stressful, crying

You were crying multiple times throughout that week? Multiple times like Distraught and then like one time Like it surfaced out Where tears actually flowed out Like this is the end And then he just stopped talking I honestly think he was just probably

Just trying to get me to cry I'm so freaked out When was the last time you cried before that? I don't know Probably when my dog Shoked on a pear I don't know if you ever cry Yeah, I mean

When people ask this question There's like different like bars for crying Like sometimes people get choked up at a movie And they're like oh I cried at that movie So there's like that and then there's like Actual bawling like tears So Depends on where your bars set

But the dog was bawling tears The dog was yeah tears coming out Was it heaving? I like to think not But I browned out Like lack of sleep due to the honking dog Yeah, yeah so there's a lot going on Yeah

Wow I mean you have a dog now you'll feel it in 10 to 15 years There have been small Things that have like crept up Like sometimes when I just think About how much I love him I'm like I can't imagine anything happening And then like a small

Thought in my head is like people Outlived their dogs If all goes well Yeah that's not good Fortunately humans live forever So we'll never have to say goodbye to anything More important than the dog Yeah

It's all So sad It's all so hopeless but It's nice to have a dog The dog is so good that it's worth Just being distraught His joy is so pure He loves fucking

Food and balls Because I'm the guy that provides those things I'm the ball god Yeah I'm treat machine He knows me as the treat machine He treats me as such You're a dispenser to him Yeah but god damn

Does he love a dispenser Call me Spencer because I'm a snack dispenser And don't dispenser When was the last time you cried I cry all the time I was at a wedding Two weeks ago Cried during the

Sisters speech Was at a funeral last week I cried when my cousin read A letter to her grandmother That'll get you That killed me Yeah I cried I believe I cried watching

Doctor Strange multi-verse Of matches on my way here Okay I will just Well up at fucking anything You're emotional Also I think

I've always been emotional But I've gotten more I didn't used to cry at a wedding And last Two weeks ago we went to this wedding I cried multiple times Multiple times so you're getting more emotional Not like my eyes are welling up

Not like heaving The tears rolling down my cheeks Like Jesus Christ This is ridiculous Like rubbing my knee She read a poem And I'm just destroyed Was the poem any good

Yeah The poem was good It was a segment of I guess it was a short story really But you know E.B. Cummings This is New York E.E. Cummings Yeah it was that

There's tears whether it's joy or sadness Yeah and they kind of feel the same Because the joy The joy tears are because You're recognizing How Beautiful and short life is And how sad joy is

I'm so happy And it's so good to be this happy Because you won't always be So it's always kind of sad It's always a little bittersweet And when you're sad you're like I'm sad but it's good to cry Because you're feeling something

Yeah you're not suppressing the emotions Yeah sometimes I think There have been times in my life When I've like wanted to cry That I knew that crying would like Help relieve some of like this Tension and stress But the tears wouldn't come

So when you do get them When they start to come You just gotta let them I need help naming a cat He's dumb and looks like a mirror Shmuel That's pretty good Shmuel

Any shmu based cat name works Do you have nicknames for Luke? Yes What do you call him? Sometimes I call him Ween or Wino Sometimes I call him Sweeno or Sween Sometimes I call him Sweeto or Kono if he's wearing a cone

Sweet O King Ween If he's like sitting on top of a lot of pillows So Ween is kind of loose I'm not done loose or loosey It's so funny how many nicknames animals have They already have a fake name I call Dingo

Dinger, Dingy, Dingus That might as well be his name Yeah you could easily I never call him Dingo I guess sometimes when I really want to come I call him Dingo but lately I've also just been calling him Doodoo Would you say Dingo was his name Dingo was his name

Yeah Dingo was his name Did you name him? Yeah I told you the story already I was going to name him Cisco After one of my favorite beaches in Nantucket After one of my favorite artists And then I was on my way home With him in the car

And I just looked at him and I was like It's a Dingo And Jill and I had already said We were going to name him Cisco And I got it and I was like And Jill in the car And she was like that's better And then we just started calling him Dingo

How long does it take for you to write a sketch To buy the time it's on YouTube Are they talking about Jake and Muir? I mean we don't write them at all Yeah but I guess From writing to it being online Uh

Two weeks Two to four weeks Although The turn around is getting faster Where I think we recorded one the other day And Jeff like edited it that night Yeah I think that we can Basically the workflow is

In an ideal world is we have Scripts two weeks before we shoot So we can tweak, give notes, get the final drafts ready Then we shoot them And then one comes out two weeks after we shoot The other one comes out four weeks after we shoot That's like a nice comfortable Flow for everybody

But if in a pinch we don't have a video We can write, shoot, edit, post In theory in 24 hours It just kind of sucks for everyone It's like a day-ish of writing A day-ish of shooting and a day-ish of editing Yeah It's the old three day-ish technique

Yeah but it can be condensed Riley J. Cohen Asks the important question Preferred being Um And don't just say Pinto Yeah I don't really have

Preferred being That's smart Let's say in a burrito Don't sleep on the garbanzo A.K.A. the hummus bean Not in a burrito I said let's say in a burrito You would put a hummus, you would put a

Fucking chickpea in a burrito I guess in a burrito I prefer I don't really like burritos quite frankly It's a little too frank for me It's just They're often too big And I can't portion my own favorite bites It's like I'm getting all beans

Or all meat or all this or all that It's also very messy I do think that they should Make burritos smaller And just give you two You know like when they cut a burrito in half Well that's why I prefer tacos But that's not good enough either

Because the burrito has all of the stuff inside I don't like tacos because they're hard to eat They're messy They fall apart And there's not enough stuff in them It's just like I want the burrito But the burrito you could take a bite

And it's all rice So I'm saying two Burritos slightly thinner Basically the size Each one the size of A cannoli An egg roll of sorts A burrito the size of a big egg roll

Or a twinkie Are they really small? A burrito the size of A hot dog bun Two hot dog buns Because they're slender They're condensed like that Because you know when you have a big burrito

I think you should be able to bite the whole thing You should really put the entire hog into your mouth It shouldn't be like this side The corner, the piece, the edge You get a piece that's whole hog I think each bite should have I prefer a breakfast burrito Breakfast burritos are great

I'm not quite done Because I have a point to make I think when you take a bite of the burrito It should have everything you asked for In each bite So it's not impossible Not if you have this slender man's burrito Then you have to have like a sushi roll

Like one layer of rice One layer of beans And it's not that hard If you make them slender enough That's never happened before Don't say that it can't be done It's never happened before But it's not that it can't be done

The perfect bite in a burrito In every slice it It almost is like a sushi roll And you can do it when it's more slender You've got the rice Excuse me Don't zone out You can't

Police my attitude If I'm gonna have to sit here and listen You can't tell me You've got the zone out I feel you becoming disinterested in the answer Right I'm not I know it's in it

The rice, the beans, the meat Guacamole, cheese, sour cream Salsa potentially Salsa definitely Don't look at your phone Where else do you have to be What else do you have to do besides listen to my burrito idea My slender burrito idea

Absolutely answer more questions Let's move on Excuse me How does the pinch feel about Blink 182 getting back together Are you going to a show We kind of talked about this last week I'm amped I hadn't heard their new song Edging

Murph showed it to me last night He was like have you heard their new song And I was like no I think it kind of sucks He's like don't let me yuck your yum Don't let me color your attitude on it And then I listened to it I just like that they're not necessarily

Trying to do anything New It's a throwback Yeah it is kind of a throwback The lyrics are really dumb And yeah I mean it's just still them Which I really like

And I will definitely be going To a show I don't know where yet I'm hoping that there's like A NAD pod show in the UK Around the same time I would love to go to A show in London Just send their routing to Andrew Russell and then

Pick eight spots And then we'll match them city for city And then you can't go to the shows We'd have to stagger it a little bit They're definitely doing Bigger venues than me right I feel like I don't know if I ever played for 40,000 people

You have not You don't know of that I'm saying I would remember that Because you would have sold 3% of it And it would have been one of the worst days of your life Asshole 72 steak roast Roxy asks

Have you ever been to Lithuania? No I don't know that I could Point out where it is On a map It's got to be Europe at least And is it closer to Finland or Estonia? I would say

It's closer to Estonia I would say it's Where I think Croatia is Is actually Lithuania I think it's a little Eastern Europe It's near Belarus Interesting

There are a lot of basketball players From there Lithuania Latvia, Lithuania Serbia Slovenia All of these places North of the Czech Republic

Definitely north of Africa And I want to say north of South Africa And east of America For Xiisi South of the North Pole Let's pull it up on the map How can we Gamify this

We're going to have to say I could find the map and you guys guess But we have to guess We need an outline of Europe An outline of Europe A map of the outline of Europe Can you pull up an outline of Europe On this map with no borders?

No borders We need to see what outline of the country Is which was And we have to say which one is Lithuania But it won't say the names of the countries Otherwise it's just like a Giant mass of land and we just have to Sort of point and guess

But then we won't even know A non-labeled European map A quiz map Shouldn't be an issue Until then we just have to vamp That's easy Let me talk a little bit more About this burrito plan

Really The problem is the name Sushi burrito is taken by Sushi But you want the style Of the sushi Not necessarily the substance of one What are your thoughts on hand rolls When it comes to sushi

I don't like it because I don't think That the seaweed breaks apart As cleanly as you need it to For you to be able to eat that cleanly I feel like too often I'm like eating the hand roll Pulling along a big piece of Seaweed out also like

Drizzling Soy sauce through the bottom of the cone Doesn't have the structural integrity I feel like what I like about sushi Is just how clean it is You can make yourself a perfect bite It's not really that fun to me to like Sushi are the tacos which is why I prefer them

To the hand rolls which are the burrito I don't think that's true I actually am 100% certain it is True because if you think about the size Of the girth of the hand roll It mirrors very closely the burrito I think a hand roll actually Appears more of the size of a taco

And there's not really an equivalent of a burrito in sushi If anything the sushi Is more the size And the style of a Chip of a nacho Alright So we got Portugal, Spain Obviously

Oh everyone knows that Yep Italy with the boot You got Switzerland Yeah Well There's Denmark, Norway, Sweden Yeah

You gotta believe that this Is Germany The big one No wait that's Germany Switzerland Luxembourg or Belgium or something like that Yeah Let's point to the one you think is Lithuania

And I'll do the same Would you be able to tell us which one is which Oh you know Clementine is our super geography producer She'll be able to let us know Lithuania I'm gonna go ahead And say

This one Okay that pink one I have a different guess But right off the back can we let us know If that is actually Lithuania or something else You wanna know if he's wrong or not Jake is wrong No no no

Excuse me You can't fucking If you hear what that is It might She's not gonna tell you what it is What about after my guess Let's go This little pink guy

Right there So Jake picked Slovakia and Amir picked Slovenia Wow I'm matching Would you like a hint? No I don't wanna hint because I actually know which one it is I was just trying to fuck with you guys

Green country That's Hungary I know it's Hungary And I'm Hungary I shouldn't have guessed that This is a crazy guess but I wanna say it's this ocean There's no way right? That counts as your guess that joke

Let's go It's green Little greeno On the water one time Little greeno is That's Wait

Little greeno on the water Oh yeah that's Serbia and Montenegro Okay Serbia I'm in the area though This is where all the good basketball players come from Lukas from Slovenia Jokic is from Serbia Alright then I'll do

Landlocked country right here The yellow landlocked That one is It says F-Y-R-O-M Oh yeah it's Fjarm I know Fjarm is close to Lithuania Let's see a different map

That's actually a Lithuanian for Lithuania What is this one? This is just a real Shrimp potpourri I think that's Greece No is it? Okay I'm gonna go Did we get a confirmation on Fjarm?

Fjarm is Macedonia Of course Macedonia Let's go to the left of Macedonia That one by the ocean Macedonia of course I think our Balkan geography is lacking What if it's like here

Or just like splitting hairs Guessing Unfortunately you guys aren't in the Balkans Oh we're not even close Well the Balkans are north That's Lithuania up here Holy shit Which one?

That orange guy That is Estonia So we're close We're like Oregon We were so far away It's not labeled on this map But you know what we're gonna look at another map And it is

Part of Russia Unbelievable they've already annexed it Okay this one final answer Which one? That is Lithuania Yes! You shouldn't be proud of what just happened Do you want to know what my hint was gonna be?

What? That's good And in real life it's the same color as Sweden That's how you know it's Lithuania Wow we were just like all the way here And it's actually up there I know you know because Clementine told this She didn't tell us I guess which one it was

I guess which one it was You didn't guess which one it was You guessed And now I know I won Who's the winner? I didn't actually get to match it You can't match it

Obviously you can't match it You got an extra guess You went first You went first You got the extra guess Oh my god You're so petty Of course you got it right

Wasn't a game of skill I guessed first I guessed right You got six chances I got five You honestly weren't close I was close You're the one that drew us south You drew us south We're lost

We ended up in Albania Let's play again Hungary which I already know where it is You think you can aim all the states? Yes I do I think I can stump Jake if we can get a similar USA map Really? I think I can stump you

There's a few stumpers in there There's a few in the middle that are just squares I know those ones You're talking about Colorado You're talking about Arizona Actually one of them is technically Lithuania I hope you guys are watching

because this is a very visual episode This is riveting stuff We're pointing at a map on the screen I'm a big geography buff and just that I want to be a geography buff but I don't actually go through the motions of learning stuff I'm interested in geography

but I can't really retain any of it This is perfect Let's start with the I already don't know a lot of things Just an easy one I'm scared I know that that is

obviously it's going to be Kentucky That is Kentucky I mean there's no way you know that Amir is pointing to a country in the dead ass center

It goes California, Nevada, Utah whatever this is and then one more Utah is I believe the next one is Colorado then Kansas What's above Kansas Goddamn

It's not going to be Oh is it No fuck It actually might be Kansas but it might not be too This is Nebraska Alright above Nebraska Above Nebraska is

South Dakota He's got it so far What about Mississippi That's right What about Indiana That's right

I think it's obvious that I know all of them now There's no need for me to even point to this one Fuck That was the one I really didn't want you to point to That was the one

that I really didn't want and I think It's too above Louisiana It's Missouri This is Missouri Arkansas Thank God you told us that

because if you had pointed to that one I wouldn't have known I think those are the hard ones Anything else that's just sort of confusing Do you know this one West Virginia That one kind of looks like a turkey I mean I fucking

aced this I know all the other ones now Point to Wyoming That's not right I think that's not fair But it is It's Square guy

You got it folks Capital Wyoming Shyam For the win Alright one last one For the cultures Which one is Vermont and which one is New Hampshire Okay

I will say that this is changing the game a little bit We've got New York Bordering New York is Vermont and then touching the ocean is New Hampshire The capitals being Albany

Montpelier and Concord That is correct And I also knew which one was Lithuania You piece of shit There's no way you knew which one was Lithuania I didn't know which one was Lithuania You pointed to Estonia

I guess Lithuania You pointed to the ocean Lay ocean Alright let's take a break More sponsors and then more questions after these messages All you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office

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You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake Wow! That's correct I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah, not just Father's Day

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Yeah My first child We got one for Jill's parents We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes We got one for my parents in our family right now They're great. Really easy way

to stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice That's cool. So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo frame This is actually how we told

Jill's grandma. She was pregnant We got her the Aura frame We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit

This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah She misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital

photo frame? Holy smokes And we let her know with an Aura Thank you The Aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app

I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah, exactly You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody

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for $30 off plus free shipping And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to And we're back How about pulling up a map of Africa No! There's no way

There's hundreds of nations in there I don't know like more than three Okay Don't do that Chad, Liberia Besides if I were you What are your favorite shows

to record? Just to record I think I always have a ton of fun going on Hollywood Handbook whenever we What's the other show? No Flagrant Ones Flagrant Ones, yeah

When we go on Flagrant Ones we're with those guys I think it's incredible I was going to say the HEADGUM podcast I actually I wouldn't know because Jeff is incapable of scheduling it more than 24 hours in advance

I haven't been able to do it in months because I'll just get a frantic text the day before we have to record You'll be able to tomorrow in two It's just like no, I can't do that What about the pit wall? The F1 podcast The F1 podcast, that one's great But I'm trying to give an honest answer

Yeah, no for sure and we appreciate the candor Jake, now that you're married how do you deal with your demons? Did they suddenly disappear? Says William Cassin What demons? Anything that was taunting slash torturing you

as a single person I remember I had a low sense of self-worth when I was single I was kind of like a monster A party animal Are you less of a party animal now? I think I still am a little bit of a party animal

I'm like definitely less I don't know, I think the demons I guess I just really, I don't know I'm trying to think what the real answer is Hollywood Handbook, right? Hollywood Handbook? What do you mean? That's the answer

Hollywood Handbook I just grew out of them a little bit It passed I met somebody that I care about more And I started being nicer to myself Interesting, yeah You were mean to yourself before?

Yeah, I think When you drink too much and you wake up and you're like, I'm never drinking again, I'm such an idiot Self-loathing? But it was that every single day And then when you have that low self-esteem When you meet somebody, you're like If they like you, you think that they're dumb

And then you kind of treat that relationship like it's nothing because you know that it's doomed So when you think that you're When you think that you, when you have a better relationship with yourself, I think you can expect more from yourself rather than expecting the bare minimum or expecting you to self-implode

Do you still have the regret when you're hungover? Yeah, I'm not like completely cured of all of my shit Definitely, but like, I think my my demons are less intense now Now it's more just like, oh, I drank too much not like I drank too much and tried to hook up with

somebody I shouldn't have So you've got, we went from two demons to one on average Yeah, definitely Jailandorone Dones, see like, these names are so hard to pronounce that's why the Amir name going for 20K is like, honestly

it's a steal of a deal What's the last photo you guys sent to each other? Let's pull it up We're right here A very visual episode Rewarding Aside from screenshots of this of the questions

It looks like the last one you sent me was We sent each other a lot of screenshots Yeah You sent me a photo of Marty's new car or a video Yeah, a video of Marty pulling away

in his new Porsche driving I got to ride in that car today It's awesome We definitely Oh, I sent you a photo of I bought a surf watch a Garmin And I sent you a photo of that

I finally got the Garmin If you're watching the new jacun of your episodes this will make sense Why do you always bring up the fact that I lack a Garmin You'll press the Garmin issue Alright, one last one Let's end with a softball

A quick and easy Alex Dubrae asked Does anything actually matter in this world or is value purely subjective? Huh Basically the meaning of life Is it that there's no meaning at all? I think, I've actually thought about this recently

because I had a deep conversation with somebody that was kind of like Armageddon based Armageddon based? No, it was like on Carnell's birthday So kind of like a drug fueled Really super honest Let's just like fucking

Let's have a heart to heart for an hour about the meaning of life And I think the meaning of life is balance So it's not doing anything too extreme Yeah, it's not like putting all of your eggs in any one basket and kind of reverting to the mean

I feel like living your life the purpose of life is to like live to the fullest then you're not actually taking any time to appreciate downtime or building the right relationships and stuff like that So I think there's an ebb and a flow The person you were talking to disagree with that

or have a different view of life? Yeah, she said that you have to live every single day like it's your last And I think it was maybe just because I am older that I'm like You don't have to live every single day I have a sort of love hate relationship with sleep because sleep feels great when you're tired

But then it's like a third of my life is just gone Should I like set an alarm and wake up earlier every day or would that just make the waking hours feel worse? I think you should set an alarm and wake up earlier But I don't want to get interrupted sleep Yeah

There are apps that will wake you up naturally Aren't there those apps where you're like I want to get up at 7 but it can be like a 30 minute grace period Right You're out of REM and it's 7.15 instead of 7

But then you just got to go to sleep early and then I'm still getting the same amount of sleep I think for what it's worth I can be tired at 6 am when I wake up and I could be tired at 9 am when I wake up It's very rare that I feel like I'm fully rested and I'm ready to get up

So it's like equally morning regardless of when you wake up Yeah, when I woke up I had to wake up to walk the pup last week and I was planning on You know, he started wrestling around at 6.30 and I was like, okay, I'm going to take him on a walk and I'm going to go back into bed

But I went on a walk, I was tired but I got back and was like, I'm not going to go back to bed now It's like 6.45 and I can like start my day and I actually really love like doing something for like going to the gym, going on a bike ride and then I look at my watch and it's like 9 am still

Like you could have slept and you got your workout done for the day Yeah, it feels good But sleep feels good too It doesn't feel that good For me, falling asleep feels great because like when you're drowsy and it's like time for bed, it's a great feeling

and I fall asleep very quickly I'll fall asleep like talking to Abitalik She was having a conversation with me and I pass out What time is that usually? Between 12 and 1 So why don't you start trying to go to bed earlier? If you're going to bed and you're so tired and you're falling asleep mid conversation

you could probably get into bed at 11 and have read a book, relax in bed then you're going to wake up closer to 7 or 8 I can't read Amazing, I'm so sorry to hear that But I'm working on

brushing and flossing as much as humanly possible to make up for that That's that balance that I talk about which is the meaning of life It is hard because you have to do you have to pay your bills and also floss you have to exercise and also volunteer

It's almost like there's too much stuff to do I think that's again where the balance comes in We don't even have kids That would completely take all the time You have to have that equilibrium so you have time to do the things that you need to do so you get to do the stuff that you want to do

and as we get older, there are a lot more things that we need to do after 40, your cells die instead of replenished so it's like you're living for 40 years then you slowly die for 40 years That's amazing, that sucks to know I also read

I think it was like maybe like Yom Kippur sermon or something that Jill sent me and this rabbi I was just talking about we all have on average 4,000 weeks to live and it's like Don't tell me that

Weeks just fly by Weeks will go by Oh this week went by fast How is it already September? You have 4,000 weeks and they make a calendar where you can put in your birthday it fills in all the bubbles for the weeks that you've already lived and it shows you how many you have left

Well every 2 years is roughly 100 weeks So it's probably less than 4,000 Maybe it's how many It's like 100 years is 2,000? Again Our cells are dying at a rate where we can't really keep track

I'll pull it up after this, but it's something like that Like it's not in the millions Yeah, time is super limited I guess it could be 4,000, it's like 80 years Oh that's what it is It's about right And we've already done about 2,000

Yeah What a dark episode this turned out to be Jesus I found the website August 5th 1985 How many weeks old we are? How many weeks you have left? August 5th 1985

85 Why don't we just for the sake of me not being sad put in 2001 Make me 18 again You will die in 2,792 weeks 2,792 That's giving you a lot of credit

It's like you're making it way past 80 at that point Let's go January 18th 1972 January 15th You should be I was like My mouth is not messing I'm not dead yet

Amir, you will die in 2,659 weeks Whoa, longer than Jake I guess they just assume that I'm I don't know Yeah, they heard about my demons Jake has more weeks That will die first Thank you for your questions

Thank you for your answers Hope you enjoyed this geographical philosophical episode of If I Were You Very unique You can watch them on our YouTube You can listen to it wherever podcasts are sold We're also making videos on our Patreon Patreon.com

Thanks, y'all Watching Jake and Amir videos And send theme songs and questions to If I Were You We need questions and we need debates to settle Yes There's a long-standing debate in one of your lives A relationship that you're

struggling with, please let us know If I Were You show at gmail.com Let's hear from Matt Pope again Let's play that funky music Matt Pope Play that funky music Pope Lay down the Pope

Play that Matt Pope They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die

They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die

They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die They'll you die The The The

This is Amir You may know me from College verse humor or from the third harill then Kumar And now you're listening to my podcast, I am so gassed to give advice on all that you've asked, and if that points you think I've been crass, take it up with me on Thursday last, on Thursday last. This is her wits, maybe you're thinking that you might kiss someone who you think could

make a fuss, and then they won't be able to trust you are the fan, who make us both a part of your plans, you wear us like an old pair of vans, we hope that we've been able to transform or realize, and though this counts as only advice, maybe he's made some of you twice, every email's a roll of the dust, right to assume, we can't promise we'll find the way through, after all we are just two judoos, still it's fun to think, what would we do, what would I do if I were you? That was a hit gum original.