If I Were You - 564: Clam Hands

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

In this episode we discuss stretching, gifting, and why size doesn't matter. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. He got went down on the day Not by his wife, I'm sorry to say Another girl, what was her name? Well, it don't matter anyway He feels guilty, he feels small Betrayed his lady, dick and all How they tell her what he's done

How they fight the urge to run My man's confused on what to do Maybe he'll write to if I were you Sure those boys'll know what to say Maybe just simply I love you babe She's in the kitchen cleaning plates Maybe she'll forgive all of his mistakes Well after all it was only third base

He just needs the perfect phrase He got went down on the day He knows for his crimes that he must pay And soon he'll be a man and say He got went down on the day Well, that was eye opening Yeah, it was a little long, little long, right? Did it feel a little long to anybody else?

It felt short to me I guess it's because they wrote a song based on something that you said I got went down on today is the name of that parody Based on a line I said not two weeks ago today Not really a parody though, is it? Well it is a satire, it's a cover It's a cover? Don't you interrupt me boy

He stopped loving her today by George Jones By many as one of the saddest songs ever written Oh, I wouldn't say that at all Matthew Kazakos said my version is not only sadder than the original But also has worse diction thanks in kind to your fallatio phrasing From the last episode That's good, that's a good song He'd written a few other themes including the ballad of Harbo and Samuelson cover

After which he debated if I was Irish I'm actually an Aussie living in Brunswick, Melbourne So hit me up if you ever Open a headgum branch here I'm thinking about it, I'm absolutely thinking about it My comedy travel podcast unpacked on Spotify and iTunes About people's crazy stories from all over the world It's really good but the problem is no one listens to it

Yeah, that's probably a lot of podcasts actually And then they write a lot of good podcasts Yeah, it's not the cream that rises to the top It's actually just whoever comes in with the most fans gets the followers And it's not really a meritocracy today I went got down on You said your own wrong line wrong I went got down

Double went down on got down Double went down to got not The double went down to got not Today's been pretty random Were those listening at home, catching up We are in separate studios but studios none the less We should call it in studios That's good

Or what about in two-de-os That's good because it's two studios But the two-de-os is actually what we call the studio for NADPOD Because we roll a lot of twos on the 20-sided die So that is trademarked, that is copy written You will be getting a cease and desist You will be hearing from my lawyer That's crazy, I just said it

You're ruined I throw a joke, there's no way you can come after me You can trespass on a trademark You'd have to make a claim that my joke actually stopped you guys from making money Oh, there you go, yeah No, not there you go That's perfect We don't go, there we don't go actually

Um, this is if I were you The only advice pod on the web hosted by us I'm AB Oh no Yeah, I'm just an initial guy now That is what Billy Scafuri calls you Oh that's right, AB He's a huge initial guy

Although J.H. doesn't really work Billy calls me Jack So we can go with that AB and Jack AB is good because it flows J.H. is kind of like, is that one letter? J.H. It's obviously not one letter

J.H. It really isn't It actually is a pretty good I'm not even trying to be glib I think that's one of the worst two letters that you could pick No, those are two strong fucking letters What's the worst initials? The worst initials?

How's it going? It's got to be WV But actually that looks really cool But it's hard to say Never mind, WV is pretty solid Because it's just, your signature would just be like a fucking, you know Phone line thing What about OI?

OI? How's it going, OI? OI Now I'm sounding Australian myself OI, how's it going? OI AB That's actually, might be the goat too

Now that I think about it No, no, no, no, it's definitely not I think, I think duo letters is kind of the goat J.J. Yeah, J.J. is pretty solid J.D. J.V. J.V.

Obviously J. J goes with a lot except for H J.V. is my wife's initials And you'll take them out of your fucking mouth Before I sue you into oblivion Yeah Yeah trademark, my wife's initials I copyrighted my wife's fucking initials

So you can't say this It already means something And prevent me from making cash off of them Yeah Let's move on D.H. T.H. is pretty bad D.H. is not a designated H

H is good H is good I said T.H. And I resent Hm? T.H. Oh, T.H. Yeah

No one is calling Tom Hanks that T.H. Yeah, they call him Hanks Yeah, exactly Yeah Exactly Oh, how about A.C. is not bad

A.C. is pretty good How about Jeffrey James? G.J. That's hard to say J.G. And hard to be G.J. G.J.

Yeah, that's not ideal G.N. How about G.N. Do you want to see that? G.N. Nugent How's it going? G.N.

Well, you can say G.N. as in good night Yeah I.Y. Oh, wow Actually, I'm thinking of all our producers John Graham, J.G. Yeah

You know, not much better than G.J. So E.F. Emma That's pretty solid E.F. But I think K.C. Donahue

With the C.D. That's cool Takes the case Yeah, takes the case, I should say That's really good K.C. does anybody call you C.D. People have called me C.D. before

Oh, yeah, he has gotten C.D. before Yeah, that's a good nickname C.D. Yeah Okay, what the fuck are we doing with our lives? All right, answering questions Yeah

So these are real questions from real people They send them on down to ifireashowatgmail.com Parse through them Find the greatest, the best of the best Right Not like podcasting We actually do read them all And decide which ones are the goat

Right Here's one that says Hands of a clam, make this man a sham Okay We should call this guy Poseidon Because they're of the sea That's really good Right

Hello you cowboys, koi boys I'm in a bit of a sticky naysweaty situation I'm a 22-year-old female from the west coast And I often get clammy hands Okay My body tends to run at low temperatures So my somewhat thin hands are often cold But also moist

Don't ask me why Cold and moist I don't know Either one of these things on its own Wouldn't bother me much But the two together make for a pretty revolting combination I'm starting the new chapter of my life Post-college

And I don't want people to judge me I don't want the people I meet to have to handle What feels like a melting ice cube at the end of my wrist Help, what can I do to make sure I extend A warmer, drier greeting to the people I meet By the way, I've been listening to the podcast off and on Since 2014 And I'm finally all caught up with a Patreon subscription

To boot, holy smokes, thank you Gracias Alright Poseidon What do you think? Well, it feels like the pandemic is, like, well timed Because, like, before it was kind of weird If you didn't shake someone's hand Right

And now she can kind of, like, get by On not wanting to touch other people's hands Rather than, you know, not wanting people to touch her hands Or something, like, feeling like They're gonna be grossed out She can just be like, I'm grossed out by human contact So you just start doing the fist bump I was hoping that, like, the handshake would just sort of go

After the pandemic faded to black But, like, people are still shaking hands I missed it I love shaking hands, I always love shaking hands Firm handshake Over a fist bump It's a connection, yeah, no, I like I like contact, I like contact

Yeah, I always prefer the fist bump Or, like, the wave, hello, how do you do? How's it going? But, yeah, and then I often feel like I'm sort of The bow was nice I do like the bow, really, you know, showing deference And then, yeah, then my subordinate obviously must bow lower And thus I am satisfied

Have we talked about your subordinate on the show? Oh, no, my subordinate, yeah You totally hired kind of out of the blue A random subordinate Yeah, I did It was so weird I started getting texts from the subordinate Instead of you

So he's just sort of He's like the middle subordinate, basically So he's like planning everything? Well, I gave him a phone recently But he wasn't supposed to text you What if he, hold on Gordon, Gordon Gordon the subordinate?

The subordinate? A potbelly pig wanders through the door Oh, yeah, I turned him into a pig the other day for So I'm talking back to me Yeah, I think So I put a spell on him I got another subordinate to do that, to coordinate A coordinate, the subordinate

Subordinate often coordinates Fist bump or bow as a means of avoiding the clammy hand Yeah, yeah, because I don't think, like I feel like I've seen people kind of like wipe their hands before they They shake And I feel like all that actually does is signal to me That their hand is going to be wet Or was dirty or something

So I think you, you know, pre-pandemic You just lean in and you own the fact that it's wet But you don't do any wipeage And post-pandemic, you just defer to the bow Or the fist bump The namaste Yeah, the namaste, a salute Hearing these questions just makes me realize how many things can be

Off about one's body Like some people are just dealing with this their whole lives And other people don't even think about the clammyness of their hands Wait, did I talk about this show that I've never had a stomach ache? No I did, I thought, I didn't You've talked about how you've never burped Right

You've talked about getting food poisoning, which feels like a stomach ache I've never had, no, I've never had a stomach ache Didn't you also say like Never hurt Well, you've puked before Yeah, I don't, and this is what Jill says to me too But I don't feel that in my stomach, I feel that in my head I feel like when I'm nauseous, I think what other people feel is like a rumbly and the tumbling

You know, like cramping and they like Diarrhea Yeah Whenever I'm sick, I feel it in my head I just feel like lightheaded and a little dizzy Or I have a headache Did you also say recently, like when you have a big, when you have pizza recently, you get like heartburn or something like that Like cheese

That's in the chest, that's in the chest That's in the chest Okay You're sort of skirting by on a technicality I don't think so Because you've had diarrhea and you've had vomiting You've had food poisoning and you've had heartburn You've had gas that's trapped from not being a heartburn

My stomach's never hurt It is never hurt Sometimes when I feel bloated, it's not in the stomach, it's in the chest It's impossible, but okay, I'll give it to you Nothing You're squeezing it right now It's in a little pain If I can get my belly button

I have dermatitis I truly never had a stomach ache Really? Yeah Keep us posted on that Okay I don't believe you, but yeah, keep us posted I'm honest about my other ailments

I have many ailments But my stomach has never been an issue When you said there's so many things that can go wrong Why did you say that? What was on your mind that's gone wrong with you? Oh, just like your nose, your lips Oh, the way your beard is Oh, your skinny shoulders

The weird teeth, gray hair My hamstring feels tight That's it, I was going to give you a hamstring What's wrong with my teeth? I actually remember When we were running one night in New York And you pulled your hamstring Yes, we were sprinting

Yeah, we like got into a foot race And I think you, we were racing to the corner Yeah, but you beat me You outstepped me at the last second Oh, really? Yeah, then we had to kind of walk It was worth it I did that against like

Early on in the college humor days I also did a foot race against canal And then my hamstrings felt so tight the next day I guess because when you're sprinting You're basically stretching this rubber band Over and over in a way that you never ever do Unless you like stretch, which I don't Right

Oh, actually that reminds me of a good Unsolicited advice this week Holy shit, alright, let's take a break Thanks some sponsors And then we can come back and hear what that unsolicited is Thanks Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show Hell yes, thank you for making the sleep test

The sleep exam and letting me ace it And become the doctor of the mattress Yes, sir Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line And you take a little sleep quiz To see what mattress is right for you Yeah, right Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute

Honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz I don't know how you sleep for the better part of a decade I do not brag about completing it I brag about acing it Because you got the mattress and it was great Yeah, I got the perfect mattress, thank God Thank God I took that test That's right, and if you want the perfect mattress

You can go to helixsleep.com If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders And two free pillows Amazing Free pillows, come on Yes, this is their best offer yet And no, it won't last long with Helix The better sleep starts now

So regardless of how you sleep Whether you like it soft, medium or firm Helix has 20 unique mattresses Just ready to go based on how you fill up That sleep preference and they'll send you the best one And if you go to helixsleep.com That's 20% off Amazing

Thank you Helix, sleep well Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show Wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace Because it's the best way for dummies like me And potentially you That don't necessarily know how to code or design

To create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself Or a loved one Or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store They have 24-7 live customer support Email campaigns, data You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace

For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available And you can have it today And you can buy it through Squarespace And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life

And maybe you want to give somebody a gift This season A summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that Is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial And when you're ready to launch

Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off your first purchase of a website Or domain Again, squarespace.com Slash if I were you Free trial Everything looks good

Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace And we're back, Jake Do you have any? Oh, it's a lift, dude

If I- Mom, I'm coming Not this week No, do you? You said You fucking set me up to fail You were like, I have a good one Let's go to break

We come back People are finally here No, I do Actually, I think I have two Because one, we're supposed to Promote a show, right? That's true The Head Gum Live show

On November 3rd At our office At your office in LA Yeah Yeah, headgum.com Slash live for tickets Come on by We'll be here

I'll be hosting We got a lot of funny comedians That's right It's gonna be a fun time It looked like an awesome time last time A little party We're gonna do it in New York We're gonna do it in New York, too

And my other advice I downloaded an app For stretching Because you'd mentioned your hamstrings And that you don't stretch And I also wasn't stretching My hammies are tight, yeah And I was kind of trying to like

Add in yoga to my routine To keep me stretched out in limber But I kept on kind of skipping it Because I didn't feel like doing 40 minutes to an hour of yoga Yeah It's like at a certain point You gotta cut yourself off

Yeah, it's just A lot of people love yoga And I think yoga is great If it's for you But it's just not for me Like I find a lot of the poses Too uncomfortable And I'm...

I don't relax when I'm doing it I'm sort of constantly wondering When it's gonna be over Yeah But this... I bet a bunch of yoga heads Would be like, well then You're not doing it right

Yeah, exactly I am not doing it right I'm doing it wrong And I've tried to do it for like You know, 15 years And I'm not getting it So I think I'm just gonna stop Because I like other stuff

But... But there's an app called Stretch It that I downloaded And I'm taking a 90-day platinum Flexibility course Wow You're gonna be able to touch your toes Is that the goal?

I can already touch my toes I can touch my toes Really, without bending your knees? Yeah, if I'm standing up Yeah Let's see it We're doing this in a studio We can see it on the YouTube

If you can... Let's see I can't... Okay, so right now Your hands are dangling About an inch above your knees I've never seen someone that stiff before Oh, that's good

That's pliable Are you touching your toes? Are you going full palm on the ground? I sort of missed it Were you... So I'm not like Full palm on the ground But I can get

About half my hand under my feet Like I can touch the soles of my feet Okay, that's far And I used to not be able To touch my toes at all And I don't credit the platinum Flexibility course That just started seven days ago

Got it But I've been working on stretching And trying to be a little more flexible Because, you know, I have tight hip flexors And tight quads Yeah The base of my neck Sometimes some...

I've never had a stomach ache But I'll have like a little bit of pain Here where my shoulders meet the neck Yeah, soreness and tightness And nerve pinching sensation Right So my buddy Miles and Carnell Also had this

And Jeff has it now too There's this app called Stretch It Where you can just Take different flexibility challenges Oh, that's cool And yeah, Monday 9 of the 90-day platinum flexibility challenge I think what I have in my hammy

Is like beyond just a source of hammy I think I looked it up Because I'm like, it hurts the most When I'm seated and driving And somebody was like That's like some sort of hamstring tendinopathy Or something like that Where you like have to sit on a pillow

To have it help And it's like stretching Your hamstring is actually not good for that Interesting You have to sort of not stretch it So I'm not really sure entirely I'm doing that thing where I'm just Ignoring the problem and hoping that it goes away

Even though it's been like two years at this point Yeah, look, if you... If you're hurt when you're seated Couldn't it be like a tight IT band? You should be foam rolling You foam rolling? No, I don't do anything I just play sports

And again, hope that I don't get hurt Do you still take baths? I do take baths That should help And it helps when I'm in my bath, of course But then after playing tennis and or basketball It feels tight again Right

And you don't stretch it all after those activities No, God no Not even like a light, like a casual Grab the toe behind your back Little quad stretch Sometimes I'll do like, yeah Grab my foot and do like the quad Or the calf stretch

Because that feels good The hamstring stretch, the groin stretch Those are the ones that just don't feel good Even when I'm doing them Interesting Alright, well, check out this out Stretch it Stretch it, because yeah, every single day

Is a new, in the platinum flexibility challenge Or the 90-day platinum flexibility course I should say You keep saying platinum like you've earned it You haven't done anything I've done seven or eight days Of the platinum flexibility course Yeah, but again, it's the way you pronounce platinum

I meant to say the 90-day platinum flexibility course Yeah, that's it It's just platinum flexibility Not platinum, platinum You didn't earn that Yes, it did You didn't earn doing it You just doubted it

Yeah Of the 90-day platinum flexibility course Half platinum You should download it though Because some days it's like, you know As little as like six minutes And some days, yesterday was a 28-minute back session Which was really nice

That's good But truly like it's There are little stretches that I never even considered Yeah I should do that And they're really helpful Yeah Preventative, yeah

Okay, here's a question we got from Let's call them Jack Skellington Because that sort of reminded me Of this Christmas time situation Okay Even though that's more of a Halloween thing Right It was around Christmas time, writes Jack

That I first visited my girlfriend's house Armed with gifts for the whole family Determined to make a good impression Unfortunately, aside from the parentally coerced Thank you for the present My girlfriend's older sister didn't speak to me Once the entire week I visited Turns out she had resolved beforehand

Not to acknowledge my presence Until I proved that I was Quote worthy of her little sister She didn't even open my gift Cut to three years later and uh-oh I still never had a conversation with her Wow I see my GF's family several times a year

For weddings, holidays and the like But her older sister has yet to say hi to me When I'm hot around She talks openly about how she has no desire To get to know me any better than she already does Which is not to just say not at all Taking the initial cold shoulder as a hint And terrified at the prospect of making things

Any worse than they already are I haven't spoken directly to her either So I'll just accept 50% of the blame Either way, the longer this stalemate lasts The more awkward and stressful it gets Her super chill boyfriend does talk to Oh, the sisters The super super chill boyfriend talks to me

But will not intervene on my behalf My girlfriend has repeatedly pleaded my case In private to no avail At this point, I'm afraid to direct Convertation is the only path to a resolution Visiting them again for the holidays So any advice about how to resolve this silent treatment Would be greatly appreciated

Should I still get her a Christmas present? That's weird Yeah, I don't think you should change Like, get her the Christmas present Maybe you gotta find out what her You find out what the love language is Right? Yeah, it's probably just being a cold,

Calculated, angry woman to you That's her love language Do you think like fighting fire is fire? I would not get her a gift I wouldn't get her a gift I really wouldn't I think you can I don't know

I feel like I feel like there's a chance that The The air just needs to be cleared You know? Yes But for whatever reason she refuses to clear it I wonder what she has

What's this beef? Has she ever acted like this to other boyfriends? Hmm Yeah, have you considered the fact that maybe You're not worthy of the girlfriend? Wow, maybe the sister's right Yes, that's what I'm saying Yeah, because he sort of might not even be worthy

Right, at the end of the day Yeah, but if everyone else is being polite And he's sort of It's kind of weird that The sister likes you Yeah The boyfriend of this woman likes you The parents, if you're going to like

Holiday parties and weddings and stuff They seem to like you So it's like just one holdout That doesn't feel like you're worthy And At that point it should It is a little bit on On her, not on you

Yeah Well, we have to take sides And I for one choose the sister Who do you got? I guess it's not We shouldn't both choose the same side I would have chosen the sister if you hadn't Go ahead and do

Chill boyfriend Who's giving this loser the benefit of the doubt And I think at the very least And his email seemed really polite Nice and Self-aware at the very least About what is going on And he did take 50% of the blame

Which is cool to hear Yeah But ultimately I kind of Think She's bae At the end of the day she is bae Yes Assault bae to be

Yeah, a salty bae indeed Well, that could be a funny gift Is to give her just a salt themed gift Sort of like a Or you can give her an umbrella Because she's always throwing the shade Oh, that's good Or like a parka and say

Just because you're ice cold to me That's Yeah, I guess What are you talking about? We're riffing When I say something that was so out of line That it deroked The shade was already so perfect

It didn't need to have been yes Anded And then what you did was like Throwing shade This thing where Like now we're riffing on it But then people will be like They did this weird thing

Where like some of the stuff worked And some of the stuff didn't And it kind of Really Now I want to give you a salty gift Yeah You're being salty You actually deserve an umbrella

For all of the shade that you're throwing at me That's really good actually Really do you like that? Back in your good graces What if you get her a football jersey That says she hate me So it's custom XFL jersey She hate me

With an umbrella So you're throwing shade And a DVD of Salt Bay's new restaurant That's fun I think making light of this Weird dark situation Is maybe the only path forward Turn it into a bit

You know Just always try to Try to get her to crack If you can make her smile Then maybe she'll eventually Warm up to you Have you ever dealt with a sibling That didn't like you that much?

Yeah Yes I have Many younger brother Older sister What was the situation? It's happened in A few different relationships An older brother

For one Yeah, protective What's that? Yeah, protective Yeah, I think just didn't trust My motivations He didn't Didn't think that your intentions

Were pure Yeah And I don't think I really won him Over in any special way It was just it took time Everything takes time But

The weird thing is here You've given it three years So something else is amiss Yeah There's something else What about parents? Parents always like you Or also

Some could be colder than others No, parents almost Parents There's always a journey They don't like me at first And then after like I really I think they don't like the

The way I sound On paper to somebody But then when I meet them They like me What's the like Back when you were just like Working at a website You mean like that?

Yeah, or like before that When I was just a college dropout That had an internship That wasn't like A good look What does he do? He's actually an intern Yeah

He dropped out of school But he's an intern, dad He has an internship You mean an internist? My prospects Didn't sound very good then Yeah But these ladies were buying low

Yeah But now I sound successful When I tell everybody I'm a Dungeons & Dragons podcaster Everyone knows That I got my life right I got my boat right Garrett boat right

Let's go Huskies Shout out to a Yukon Husky basketball player Named something boat right I thought it was Garrett boat right I thought it was Ryan boat right Boat right Yukon Husky It was Ryan boat right Ryan boat?

What I think was Garrett Get your boat right With Ryan boat right Better get your boat right Wow, that guy's still playing basketball overseas Good for him He got his Croatian league MVP in 2017 Wait, what was he?

He was the Croatian basketball league's MVP in 2017 That's what every NBA player should do, I think Yeah, would you rather be the 12th man On an NBA team like the Oklahoma City Thunder Or just the fucking MVP of a Croatian league Yeah, it's fun to hang out in Croatia, I bet Yeah, I guess it depends on the league Yeah

Some of these leagues sound more fun than others Right, Croatia sounds sick Okay, let's take another break Think another sponsor, come back and answer another question Alright So if you need a package pickup You can easily schedule it If you need to sell products online

Stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace And shopping cart Running a business isn't cheap So Stamps.com has huge carrier discounts We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates Holy smokes And for 25 years Stamps.com has been indispensable For over 1 million businesses

So if 1 million businesses can trust Stamps.com Certainly you can too Set your business up for success With Stamps.com today, just sign up With promo code IfIWereYou For a special offer that includes a 4 week trial Plus free postage and a free digital scale Wow, no long term commitments or contracts

Just go to Stamps.com You click the microphone at the top of the page And enter code IfIWereYou And that gets you a free 4 week trial Free postage and a digital scale That sounds pretty good Thank you Stamps.com for sponsoring this show Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this

Head Gum podcast You know Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode But the entire Head Gum network, Jake Wow That's correct I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah

Yeah, not just Father's Day But if for any not so tech savvy family member That you need a gift for soon These digital photo frames might be the best of all time Yeah For me personally, these things are perfect I'll tell you why As you know, I am expecting my first child

We got one for Jill's parents Oh wow We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now But they're great, really easy way to like Stay in touch with your family

You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents kitchen It's really nice Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant

We got her the Aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant

Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like It could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame

Holy smokes And we let her know with an Aura Yeah Thank you The Aura announcement So you can instantly frame photos from any device Anywhere and invite the whole family in On the fun through the Aura app

Add me to your Aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me Like at a pool or something That could be funny Yeah, like your banana or your dog Alongside pictures of my daughter Yeah, yeah, exactly You deserve that

You can even preload photos And add a personal video message that will display As soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame Yeah, it's a great gift A really, really iconic gift And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift And visit Aura Frames That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com

And our listeners can use code HEADGUM To get up to $30 off Plus free shipping on the best selling frames There it is Oh wow, this is timely The deal ends on June 18th So don't wait Terms and conditions apply

That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A-Frames.com Okay, go get your parent something, alright And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off Plus free shipping Right on And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to And we have returned Finally

Finally The rock has come back Did you see Black Adam? No, no Is it good? Do you plan on it or that's sort of not in your Marvel Cinematic Universe? I'll see it eventually I will not

I don't go to the movies anymore I don't know what could really make me go to a film Interesting I go to the movies eventually when I'm on a plane The best place to view them You don't romanticize the movie going experience Every time I go I have a great time It never occurs to me and whenever anybody else suggests it

It sounds like too much But if I'm physically dragged there I will have an awesome time and then say on my way out Why don't we go to the movies more We should really go to the movies more I'm gonna start going to movies and then The smell of the popcorn The movies of a ticket being torn

You're sitting down With a group of friends The energy is palpable The trailers come on The jacket over the seat The guy is going in front of you Even in any town USA You're having an evidence

I'm gonna go pee before the movie starts I'm gonna go pee before it starts So I drop the pee during the film And then scooting by Scooting by Oh sorry I stepped on your foot And on purpose what are you doing sir What are you doing

Hey you're shoving me Oh sure Oh sure Being accosted I love the movies I love the movies I was trying to talk about like the fun parts of it I've never

I've never not gotten my ass kicked When I go to a film How's that for fucking weird I'm walking by Accidentally kick over a 64 ounce Doctor Pepper Holy shit I'm so sorry That got on your ankles

Let me get you some paper towels in the front I'm not cutting in line I just spilled the drink I because if I go to the fucking bathroom to get it All they have are these They have an air dryer What am I supposed to do there Using a stranger's jacket To mop up the Doctor Pepper

But that's I've seen this one before And why are you here Spoiling the end Oh yeah This is the one where the guy ends up being the bad guy at the end No wonder you hate it Because it hates you

Right I'm rejected by the movies Alright here's a question called snap chatting ears Hmm So we'll call this gentleman Mickey Mickey my friend This may seem like a generic question But it's something that I genuinely have no idea what to do I'm a college student

You should come back to Minneapolis by the way And I've been talking to a girl for two months now It's all very confusing yet super flirty And we have gone on a few dates and have had a good time The issue is that she keeps mentioning how she just got out of a long distance relationship last summer And does not want to date right now However she likes me and wants to be more than friends So she feels bad asking me to wait for her to be ready

This becomes a problem because she rejects hanging out with me most of the time And when she snapchats me she only sends me pictures of the side of her head And if I see one more ear I'm going to go crazy How do I move this process of getting to know her forward when she is resisting everything Yet still stringing me along by saying she likes me and is flirting with me You can't really love Do you think that's an excuse? You just have to wait? Do you think that's an excuse?

Or is she actually not over somebody slash trying to see this guy? It sounds like it's, I mean, I've heard that before It sounds valid enough I think if she really wasn't interested she'd hopefully have the huevos to tell you It sounds like at the very least she likes that you like her And I don't think there's a way you can, you can't move it forward yourself I think all you can do is elect to be strung on or cut the string I would cut the string

And I've had it before too You just say, I understand you're not ready But I don't like where, I don't like living in this limbo So I'm out And if you are ready, feel free to reach out But you're cutting ties And then do it It also, it's better to do it that way than to be the one that's constantly trying to see

And then she sort of gets annoyed in that way And honestly makes you look better to her also by saying I'm out I'm not interested And you're also like, you're kind of taking the situation back under control Because right now she kind of has everything she theoretically wants She has a guy that likes her that she can slow play And then also do her thing without getting into a serious relationship And she's like, oh yeah, he'll be around when I want him to be

But you just, you know, your move is to say I actually won't be It's now or never And then she can decide if she's ready If you're worth it Or if she wants to just hang out and do her thing What do you make of the ears of it all? I think sometimes people are insecure about certain angles Or the way that their face will look

So they I have a weird ear So I would not send that Yeah, what episode is that from? I have a weird ear I think it's the one where I have a Bluetooth And I'm like trying to like sort of chew gum and talk on the phone a lot Yeah, that's a good one

And you're like, just put the fucking Bluetooth in And I'm like, I have a weird ear Cauliflower Yeah, God, that's good And broccoli ass My entire fucking person is a salad That's right I have asparagus teeth

And a baby carrot cock Ha Ha Ha That's real funny What's that supposed to mean? Like my dick is small? I mean, yeah

Yeah, that's why it's a baby carrot Yeah And not a full fucking thing Right Yeah Oh, that's real It's not just Why don't you take that again

But compare it to an actual size Well, it's also Orange is what I'm trying to say It looks like a cheeto Yes Okay But at the very least, it's a little bit of a longer carrot Or a parsnip

I'll even go so far as to say that it's a parsnip that you cut in half I think it's a thing But for you to say baby carrot, it means that the edges are rounded Ha Don't get me wrong, the color is spot on Which is not the case I think I've asked you this before, but do baby carrots grow like that Or are they shaved down from bigger carrots?

I think you have asked me that before as well And I gave you the correct answer then as I will now They are regular sized carrots that are Honed down to the baby carrot That seems inefficient to me By the way, that is just a guess But I am going to go out and live and say that's right But it's not like pureed carrots that are put into that molded shape either, right?

No It's actually like a piece of wood that's shaved down to that Right I'd imagine they're able to get like a few, like four baby carrots out of a single carrot If it's done right But there's always going to be like the weird edges that just don't belong in the baby Right So yeah, you chop, you take a full carrot, you chop the top, you chop the base

And then you shave, shave, shave And sculpt Shave your booty, yeah What about baby corn? Baby corn grows like that You have the same attitude towards the corn Baby corn is grown like that Yeah, that's a specific vegetable

Okay All right I'm just asking You're just asking You don't have to lie I'm just answering Yeah You're the one on edge

You're the one on edge I'm not on edge I'm just trying to figure out You keep on laughing and then stopping on a dime with a new, you're Yeah, you're having an episode I'm not This is an episode of our podcast, but I'm not having one episode Is there another baby?

There's like baby potatoes or something Fingerling potatoes, yeah Yeah Finger length potatoes No, it's not finger length potatoes No, I know What are they? Finger length

Finger what? Potatoes You said You said finger length I said that's wrong You said no, I know Yeah There are finger length, but I know they're called something else

They're called something else Yes And what are they? Dingling Dingling? Well, finger length is how big they are Dingling is the style of potato Kind of like how you can have a rye bread

That's perfect, yeah You nailed it, buddy I did Yeah I was honestly trying to talk out of my ass for part But I really didn't know what they were called Until you put me on the spot and I stepped up to the plate And I crushed one out of the park

Blindfolded, homerun, nailed it, first try I'm batting a thousand today Your cock is also finger length What's that supposed to mean? Like I have a small dick Exactly So it's only the size and shape of a finger Exactly

It's also the color of a Cheez-It So yeah There's baby spinach Oh yeah And baby There is baby spinach There's baby arugula There is baby arugula, right?

I don't know Like anything smaller is baby version of that But I don't know if they're genetically modified to be smaller Or they just take the smallest ones Yeah Baby onion? Yeah I don't know if they think it's a baby onion

It's not a baby onion They make them tiny They make them really tiny There's a pearl onion Or a shallot Right Yeah And instead of a baby cucumber

They just call them Persian cucumbers So what's that supposed to be? These are often Persian I mean every time you walk into an Iranian's family house All the babies are Persian That's why they call them Persian cucumbers Instead of baby And then you have tomatoes

And instead of baby tomatoes It's cherry tomatoes Isn't that fascinating? Yeah, grape tomatoes Are those the same thing? Cherry and grapes? Because they look like two different Grape tomatoes

For me Yeah What were you going to say? I was going to say Cherries and grapes look different to me But you call the tomato version the same You fucking dumbass Right

Tomato tomato It's actually more like tomato baby tomato That's really good When you called my dick small Was that because you wanted to see me pissed off? Or do you actually think that I have a situation down there That could be compared to the size of a pinky? And we don't even have to keep this part into the show

Let's not I'm just... It's both It's honestly both Because I know that it riles you up And there's a reason that it riles you up, right? Because it's true Why would you get pissed if it wasn't true?

So I say it And I know that you're going to... I would get pissed if... And it is not true I would get pissed And the reason I am pissed is because It's not true The rumor now

Is so antithetical to what's actually happening there And I can never prove the size of my cock Regardless of how big my car is You know how they say the bigger your car The bigger your dick So I have a Hummer H3 that I can barely afford And that sort of... That message that gets sent to the world is that

I'm hung, well hung actually And then you come on to the show And you say You have a baby carrot down there Which is funny But kind of goes against Not that I do or don't I don't even want to talk about my dick

Frankly You've commandeered the show to talk about Your penis Yeah I made it I'll admit that I've made at least two asides about it Maybe more Maybe more

But I think I still think you're the one harping on it I can see that But ultimately I do Want to have a grand reveal And I don't think that is even possible at this point Let's do our next live show Actually the head gum Happy hour

It's not a bad place to do that Cause that's There's like a hundred tickets I'm just worried that I'll get in trouble Yeah But maybe it'll be fine, I don't know Right I feel like you'd only get in trouble if you confirmed the rumors

And whipped it out And you've had a tiny little orange dick Right Which I don't So I won't be in trouble basically So basically if you do it Then everyone will see And then you won't be in trouble

But if you don't Yeah well I might have a COVID actually on the day So I don't even know if I'll make it to the show Okay Right Okay Yes Exactly

Okay Let's drop it I might get a respiratory illness And I'll be able to make it on day I might have to be intubated I won't be on stage that night I won't be on stage left I won't be on stage right

I'll just be home that night Having had A dick the size of a baby Slash that regular carrot Just cut to you at home Eating a tiny Carving a baby carrot Whittling it

Got one down at home Yes that brings us back To that theme song Back to the top If you have your own questions Your own theme songs Any of that stuffs Send it on down to ifirusho at gmail.com

That's true We need new questions We need hot fresh questions Yes Now's your best chance And we need hot fresh theme songs Now's your best chance to send those as well That's correct

The email address One more time is ifirusho at gmail.com For more of us We're on Patreon Patreon.com slash ja Yes we're watching the old videos They're all Honestly they're all great

They're all A's to us Because we are Sort of self-involved in a way Right We're doling out grades I think we We gave out a B minus And a C plus last week

Tough but fair Yeah Thank you again to Matthew Kazakos For this theme song Which is one more time That he stopped loving her today Parody

Got went down on today Thanks to you guys for listening We'll be back of course next week Ciao everybody Bye You got went down on today Not by his wife I'm sorry to say

Another girl What was her name It don't matter Any way He feels guilty He feels small Betrayed his lady Dick and all

How will he tell her What he's done How will he fight the urge to run My man's confused on what to do Maybe he'll write to if I were you Sure those boys'll know what to say Maybe just simply I love you babe She's in the kitchen cleaning plates

Maybe she'll forgive all of his mistakes Well after all it was only third base He just needs the perfect phrase He got went down on today He knows for his crimes that he must pay And soon he'll be a man and say He got went down on today That was a hit gum original