If I Were You - 565: Party Pooper

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

In this episode we discuss breaking up, driving bad, and moving to Romania. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. You look so tired, unhappy. Jake always so damn smug, doesn't give a damn about you. You'll take a quiet life, some siren and starbucks with no awards and no real prizes. Turn it, turn it. Weird reaction for listening to that song, right? Oh, I heard the song earlier and it was kind of a bummer so I was listening to Party Hard by Andrew W.K. while it played for you. Definitely, it looked incongruous for sure. Your phone also rang during it.

You were dancing with the rock horns out and then the phone. That was actually my brother so if Ben, if you're listening, you actually called during that moment in time. Oh, I thought the guy that wrote the theme song was your brother Ben. No, the guy that wrote the theme song, quite frankly, and do you know that that's a Radiohead parody? I didn't. It sounded like a crash test dummy song. I thought that's what it was parody, but I don't think I knew that song. Did somebody parody that song for us already? Yes, it does sound familiar. That's a great song.

This one is Radiohead's No Surprises. No, something, no surprises. I liked it. Maybe I'd like Radiohead. The only song I know by them is that I'm a creep one. Yeah, what about Karma Police? Okay, I know that one too. That's it. Radiohead is what the cool high schoolers were listening to at my high school. I would listen to basic music, but like, whoa, the interesting artistic kids are listening to Radiohead. Yeah, not me and still not me.

This is a massive day one fan from the Netherlands. Loved your show in Amsterdam a while back. Oh, amazing. Nothing to plug, so I'll plug my home city of Utrecht, a beautiful, less crowded version of Amsterdam. Oh, that sounds great. We should go. Utrecht. Do you remember our show in Amsterdam? Wasn't that a weird one? Yeah, I remember the theater being like awesome. It was like, it looked like a futuristic hotel. Like there was good food and glass and walls.

Yeah, I remember. I remember too. Like usually we ate like garbage before a show and they had like grilled salmon, couscous, a bunch of like vegetables. It was very healthy and good. Yeah, it was like talking about incongruous. It was like a venue for a Philharmonic. And then we were just like, yeah. And then I asked the question, what do I do if my girlfriend snail trails on my sheets? Yeah, yeah. Oh man, good stuff.

Will you plug the symphony that's playing here tomorrow on your way out? We still have to sell some tickets for that. That's a great apropos because this next question is about a butt plug. Daniel Groothuisen is who wrote that song. Nice. Grooth-Eisen. Grooth-Eisen. Grooth-Eisen.

Yeah, and Grooth-Eisen to you. Grooth-Eisen. Grooth-Eisen, yes. This is if I were you, the only advice pod in the world that references Utrecht, a beautiful less crowded version of Amsterdam. I am, I'm still Bloemthaisen. Whoa, and I am Jacobean Hirwitzenfagen. That's cool. And we're fucking Dutch now.

That's all it takes. Awesome. Savage. Is there any easy way to become European citizens? Can I prove that a grandparent or something was born and had to flee and then I can just get like a European passport? Yeah, I think depending on where your family fled the Holocaust, it's actually, it could be easy. Do you know where they were pre-Israel? Yeah, I think Romania and Poland.

Interesting. Yeah, I think there is, there are ways. I know they're like, I looked into it once and I remember like, there's some, there's certain countries where it's easier to get that EU passport than others. But definitely if, if, if your ancestors fled the Holocaust, then that's a way in and you have to be able to prove it. Okay. But it's, no, you don't necessarily have to, I don't know. I guess you have to be able to prove it, but it is kind of weird because they like, you know, mass graves and burned records, et cetera, et cetera. Right.

So it seems kind of unfair if the onus is on you to prove it. But I mean, I guess it can be done. Is it crazy to think that Romania should be honored to have me as a citizen? Is that nuts for them, for me to want them, for me to wait to have them invite me to be a citizen? It's, especially like, it's nuts considering how hard that sentence was for you to get out that you feel like you're a man worthy of Romanian citizenship. Not only just having the citizenship, but, but being heralded by the country of Romania, then begging you to be a citizen. Yes, I do think that's nuts that you would expect. I really think.

I know you do. The entire city of Bucharest should look fucking unveil a red carpet and have me. Yeah, that is clear. That's not like, don't think that this is a reveal of your opinion. You basically said this as soon as you asked the question. We knew you were where you were heading. I really don't see a world where the entire village of Timi Soara doesn't invite me over for tea. I think it'd be interesting to have you accepted and rejected by Romania.

So like a statue is constructed and everyone turns up to kind of like do that thing where they pull it down with ropes and then everyone cheers. And hung in the Times Square of, let's say, Bayamare. Yeah, you're doing a great job of learning the names of all the cities right now, though. Yeah, just like me, just to go out to dinner in Mongolia but have them pay for it would be. Do you think we could do a show in Mongolia? It looks like a really nice city. It's like on the water. I mean, my god.

Are you still going to move? There's a lot of cool cities in the world that I bet like are even better than America in a way because it's like. Do you think there's a place for you to live that's better than Silver Lake? I don't know. I really, really need to be close to a Whole Foods. Yeah, but I feel like you probably could be. I mean, essentially what you like about like the Whole Foods isn't even the food. It's just the hot bar.

So I feel like. Yeah, I'd like to be able to get like teriyaki chicken but also a samosa if that makes sense. You want to buffet every night and I think you could find that in like one of those European seaside markets for sure. Take a look at Mongolia, Romania. Okay, do you want to go? Do you want to move there? Well, I'd have to sort of get a temperature check first for me to live there might be a little. Fast.

Mongolia. It feels like it would be Mongolia and not Mongolia, right? It kind of looks like the Hawaii of Romania. Yeah, it's definitely near water. I thought it was going to have a bit more like character than this. Yeah, it looks like Florida. Yeah, it looks like Florida. That's exactly what it looks like and not Miami.

It's the Florida of Romania. I don't even know where Romania is. Oh, there we go. Yeah, we were kind of getting lambasted in the comments with our lack of European geography. Remember that one episode we were pointing to? We were just thousands of miles away from the countries. Yeah, I really wonder if those folks just like to lambast us but they themselves actually wouldn't necessarily know where Romania is. Or maybe they're from there.

Or even if they're not and they know geography, maybe there's shit that we know that they don't, that we could be like, yeah, but can you do this or something like that to zing right back? Right. I feel like I must know something more than they know something, you know? Right, like what's your area of expertise that you could be like, yeah, I might not know where fucking Lithuania is, but have you ever heard of? Yeah, and I could name any single porn star. Well, it would be something like that does anal. Like you could name a porn star and I would be able to tell you a trivia.

That is trivia. How politics works in America or something interesting like that. Yeah, can you name the state senator from New York or something like that? Name like anyone who won an AVN award from 2012 to 2020 and I'll tell you if they do anal. Yeah, I don't know. Riley Reed. Yes. Okay.

Do you know the senator one about New York or? Who the senators are? No, if they do anal. Schumer does anal for sure. That's why they call him Chuck, because he once chucked anal. What? He once chucked anal. I heard it.

I heard it. Didn't make any sense on the day. Yeah. All right, let's answer some questions from real people. They're in sticky situations. They're trying to get out of their mess and we'll do our best to help. Sweet. Here's a pretty recent one, a Freshie, we should call it, from last weekend.

Freshie. A Halloween party, yeah. Last weekend, my boyfriend and I hosted our second annual Halloween party. Is there a famous female costume? What was your costume this year, I should ask? It was a black cat, again. Got it. Okay.

Sarah was there. She was Carmen San Diego. Okay, that's good. Carmen San Diego writes, it was matrix themed. The party was at our house and quite large, extending invites to the friends of friends zone, which was mistake number one. Anyway, at one point there was a long line to get into the bathroom. I jokingly and light heartedly yelled out, hey, who's pooping in there?

No pooping allowed on the matrix party. Find you, I had no idea who was inside. It was just a funny poop joke, right? Wrong. This bitch comes out of the bathroom. My God. A chick I'd never met before in my life and she was pissed. Sis must have actually been pooping.

She threatened to beat me up for making a comment about her. She chased me through the house onto the back deck where verbal altercation ensued. She said I looked like a 50 year old woman and that she would kick my ass. I'm 24. She then punches me in the head over a poop joke. Oh my God. I can't make this shit up. My friends had my back and they had to drag her off my property and get her an Uber.

My question is what do I do now? I don't really want her to get away with literally assaulting me. Should I be the bigger person to move on? Or should I be petty and dox the bitch slash post the footage of her threatening me? Should I get back to at her in a funny way? Should I press charges? I low key want to ruin her life and the emoji of crying from laughter. I low key want to ruin her life.

It is funny to imagine like a curb episode or just like a sticky situation where somebody beats the shit out of you and you have the video of it and you're like, I'm going to post this online just to ruin this person's life. But you also look like a huge weakling because it's getting the shit beat out of you. Check this out. This crazy person beat my ass for next to no reason. You punched so far. You could defend yourself.

Look at you. Yeah. Here you are running away through your house. Yeah. You escaped onto the back porch. Yeah. Is that crazy? Wow.

Oh, look at this. You're trying to pay her off. You're giving her money. You're saying leave me alone. Yeah, but she didn't even take it. She ended up kicking me in the chair. That's really fucked. It feels like this thing has like run its course, right?

That's kind of, you want to, you want to nip this in the bud. You want to put this to rest. Yeah. Some people do and some people want, they like the drama. They like the vengeance of it all. She wants to low key ruin her life. Yeah. I think if it's like, if you got hit and you actually have like medical expenses, if you

have, if you're, if you're not okay, then you can press charges. You can sue somebody to cover your medical bills because that actually is on them. But if it's like, you feel fine, you're just more like, you know, it's almost like this is a petty thing. Like that was like so random, so weird. She punched me in front of my friends and now I'm going to ruin her life. That feels like a, like an overreaction to what happened. Yeah.

Not that what she did was good, but just that I, I do think that being the bigger person is probably the move here. I wonder why the lady was so mad about the poop joke. No pooping in the matrix and you get out of there and start fucking wailing on somebody. It should, it must have been like the last draw. She must have been going through something anyway. I think that anytime I've ever like gotten that frustrated at somebody, it was never like I was perfectly fine.

Then they did something and then I freaked out. This is loosely related, but I was on, I was on the highway yesterday or two days ago. Yeah. I was driving back from Red Hook with Jill. Jill's taking a nap. She's asleep and there's this part of the highway where like all of the, the cars are going from like four lanes to three lanes to two and then to one. We've been sitting there for like 20 minutes and everyone's just like inching along.

And then these cars keep on coming. Yeah. They just like, you know, they ride up on the curb and then they try to break, like go in at the last second. And I was like, this is so annoying. Like two people did it. I see a third one coming. I'm like, I, I'm not going to stand for this.

And I just pulled out kind of onto the shoulder and I took up each lane, not letting them out. Yeah. Yeah. Not letting this guy pass. Right. But then, so that's where it's related to the story. Just that like, I wasn't mad when the first person did it.

It's always just like that, that third thing where you're like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm going to do something. The straw that broke the camel's back. Yeah. Did you feel like one driver sort of boxing someone out on a curve? I felt like a little bit of a hero. I felt like the, the, the other folks around me who had seen everyone cutting and who were

now seeing me put an end to the cutting. Yeah, that's great. They were like happy, but my dogs in the back seat also asleep, Jill's asleep. And this guy, it was the wrong person to do it to. He just started like laying on his horn. Oh, wow. And I'm like, well, I don't want to, I don't want to do this. And then he rolled down his window and he stuck his head out and he was wearing a fucking

clown mask. But like one of the fucking freaky ones, like the angry, scary clown mask. Yeah. He basically looked like the jokester after he killed someone. So he's just like riding with his head out the window. Yeah, exactly. So I pulled back into my lane, then he pulled up and he just is sitting next to me, Jill's still asleep.

Hanks's head out the window and starts like bobbing it side to side. Um, and he must have been saying something, but I couldn't hear it. Uh, and I didn't know what else to do. So I just started laughing because I was like, if he thinks I'm having a fun time, he can't be mad. And sure enough, he drove off. Laughter is the worst medicine gets out of his car. Holy shit, I've been talking about the clown.

What would I do? Jill wake up and help. Right. Dingo do something. Was this daylight or was this at night? Daylight. Bright daylight. That's good.

Yeah. Yeah. And if I'd taken a video, he beats the shit out of me. I posted online and say, I got my ass kicked by a clown who wanted to cut me off. Like a clown, like a bad driver. Yeah. Like, yeah, would I, if I had footage of this guy getting out of his car and beating the shit out of me, would I post it to ruin his life?

I don't know. Look at this clown. It would. Yeah. Would you want to be viral on Tik Tok for that? Yeah. The answer is yes. It's always good to be viral.

True. But as far as what I would do, I would always err on the side of getting the whole situation over with. I wouldn't want to prolong, see this person again. What's the point? Right. There's consequences. This person is not allowed to come to any more of your parties.

This person, everybody will know that this person, actually the lasting reputations on her are worse. She's the party pooper. She is the one who was pooping at a party and then got called out and got so mad that she got into a fight and that she chased someone. That's good. I think it's already an appropriate punishment for the crime. Yeah.

I like that she was a literal party pooper. Yeah. Exactly. In fact, I guess you could call her a party pooper. That was, I mean, that was the intention of my, like the pun was intended. So yeah. Don't feel like you. I was going to say, yeah, joke of the yet so far.

But yeah, I agree. I agree. That is a golden mic for me because it was my joke. I said party pooper and that would be a 30 for you obviously because of the way you handled it. You basically heard my joke. Thought you could say it louder in a different way and skate by and that's tacky. Let's go to break.

This is crazy. Now I feel like I'm taking this shit. I wish I had the courage to stand up for myself the way this pooper did. That would be awesome. But you don't. Yeah. Keep pushing. Yeah.

You don't have a back. Yeah. You don't have a backbone. Why don't you go to break you little bitch? I will. Right? Yeah. But I want to anyway.

Right. How don't you do exactly like I told you to do. Break. I want you to thank some sponsors. Okay. I haven't done what you did. Okay. Let's do that.

Okay. By the way, say thank you for the turdy. Thank you. I was going to. Asshole. So sad. What'd you call? Nothing dude.

I wanted to get in a jab so that I can convince myself we're sort of ribbing each other. Jerk. Thank you. Thank you for the turdy. And I'm an asshole. Womp. Womp. So sad.

Womp. Womp. Womp. Sad Tramp Trombone. You know what I mean? Yeah. All right. BRB.

Okay. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what

mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't how you sleep for the better part of a decade. Excuse me. I do not brag.

I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right.

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Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Do you have any? Stackable wire shelves, buddy. Stackable wire shelf buddies wire shelves. I'm saying stackable wire shelves and then calling you, buddy. I see. Yeah, what's a what's an example of a stackable wire shelf?

Okay, so you're you open up your cabinet, right? And you've got say, that's where you keep your snacks. Okay, you open up your cabinet. How do you how are you getting access to the to the snacks? Are they just kind of all sitting on the like the base of the cabinet? Yeah, on the shelf of that cabinet and you have to reach back. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you can put a little wire shelving unit with pull out. Oh, I see. Like kind of turn everything into a two-story little compartment. Exactly. So instead of front, it's not all just up and bottom. Exactly. Precisely. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

And these are probably very affordable because it's just pieces of wire. Yeah, I was I think I bought a few at the container store, like $14 a shelf. Yeah. And it really gives you a lot more room because you can store things right below the drawer. You can store things in the drawer. You can store things on the next drawer up and also on the top of the wire shelf. So that deep cabinet storage that you can never really ever tell what was back there.

Yeah, you now have access to everything. And with access comes responsibility, as we all know. Yeah. Well, as long as you have access and control, then you also inherit the responsibility. Are you moving snacks from their natural containers to uniform containers that you've purchased? It depends on the snack, but occasionally that will happen. So with cereal, are you leaving it in the box or are you transferring it to one of

those pop top containers? Cereal goes to a tall kind of like plastic tub, Tupperware to style thing. And when you finish the cereal, are you adding more cereal to that same tub? Or do you give it a dishwasher full rinse rebrand? Or are you OK with adding pretzels to the crumbs of the cereal that was there, thus making the entire thing some sort of a hodgepodge of the flavors? Because you have to get out of your ass. You're crying.

You're crying. I know what you want me to say. Let me come over and let me organize your stuff, man. Yeah, I guess I was just curious how you ever do. I'll do a wash. I'll do a hand wash. More than a rinse, but not a not a dishwash. Not a not a put it in the dishwasher.

Do a hand wash on that. Yeah. Oh, for sure. You have to. I was going to say for sure you do have to. You know, what's your what's your storage game like? Is I will dump everything on the ground and have a family feedback for weeks and stogs me eating off the fucking floor without my hands.

Got it. And when you're done with that, do you wash the floor? I burned the house because the entire place is sticky. There. Well, I had a piece of tape on my finger. Why? Did I have to let it linger? Why did what were you taping?

I was putting a banana on the wall because I was hurting my back quite frankly. Oh, my God, you're a hoarder. You're you're guarding a hoard in your house. You have plastic bags of your own feces. You won't throw anything away. Yeah, I'm sort of what's it called at Burning Man when you leave? No trace of your remnants or whatever. Yeah, what is that place?

Leave, no trace. You're you're thinking you're talking about Moop. Yes. No in, no out or something like that. What does that stand for? Moop stands for matter out of place. That's it's just something you have to be cognizant of at Burning Man. But you're also maybe thinking of the leave, no trace policy. I see. Yes.

Leah, exactly. So that's how I want to leave this house. I don't want to like make sure that people knew that I was like actually peeping and pooping in here. Right. I see. You torch it all, return it to the earth. Yes. A controlled fire. Exactly. And if your neighborhood goes with it, that's fine. Because ultimately they're all in this together with me. Did you get any trick or treaters?

I think we got like, you know, two or three. Nobody was like coming. Yeah, no one was like going down the street ringing doorbells. There was kind of like a few families that walked down the street almost as if like on parade and people were out on their stoops and the kids could come and like grab candy. But it wasn't like ding dong trick or treat. I wonder if that's happens now or if that's just like.

Like basically I'm wondering if that was happening in Springland where I grew up. Like were the kids walking door to door ringing doorbells? Was it full on trick or treat like it was back when I was a kid? Or is that just like less? Does that happen less now? I think it contains streets. Like it's not on everywhere, every street, like a lot of like neighborhoods congregate until like this row of houses that do it.

But if you're not in that row of houses, you just don't. You're not in the action. Yeah, I bought all this. I mean, we have a huge bowl of candy that didn't make didn't get a dent in it. Yeah. So I'll be eating those mounds bars. Yeah, off the floor and the joys. Yeah, maybe that's why nobody took it because your candy sucks. There's a reason there's a reason there.

Stop laughing like that. You're having a seizure. I'm having a mounds bar. How about this actual sad question we got? We never really answer sad questions. I'm curious. I'm intrigued by a sad question. Should we do a sad question only episode sometime? That'd be nice.

Then we can play that Radiohead song again. Is it raining in New York? Maybe we can match the mood. No, it was raining this morning, but the sun just broke through. It's gorgeous right now. Shit. Let's say fuck it. Happy for me. Yeah, it's bad for the mood.

It's just incredible warm light on the block. It's really nice. Let's finish this up so I can get outside. OK, my girlfriend and I have been dating for three years through COVID, transferring schools, multitude of things and events. When when are around us, people say you guys have a great relationship and you guys are great for each other. When in reality, the past year has been fraught with emotional stress

and we most likely put it on each other. After a very amicable, tearful conversation, we realized that where we're not working out and something has to change, blah, blah, blah, same old conversations we've had many times, always ending in a stalemate. But following a night of sitting together, archiving photos on Instagram, looking at new apartments, followed by sleeping on the couch. I'm in a sorry state of mind,

teetering between realizing our incompatibility and if we just learn how to communicate early enough in our relationship, it would have been savable, exemplified in a fitful night of pursuing our old photos and memories. I get quite literally a stabbing feeling of how wrong this feels and truly happy how our memories are. Maybe I need validation of something. Maybe I needed to vent.

All I all I know is that if you guys have been with me for all my life until this point, oh, you guys have been so at my most vulnerable, I turned to two American comedians who run a podcast network naturally. So I guess if I had my question, it would be thus, should I naturally let things run its course, time will heal my wounds or not give in to the dying light and try to fix it? OK, well, I feel like you and I are going to have the exact same answer, which is you're 23 and you shouldn't force this round peg into a square hole.

I was going to say, go to her. This is fixable. What? Yeah, kidding. No, I mean, I think this happens a lot. I know that it happened to me when I was leaving past relationships. You like start to remember things with the rose colored glasses where you where you fixate on the good times. And and then that makes you kind of be like, wait, what are we doing?

We're throwing out all of this away like all of the good memories. It feels like they're they're worthless now. Yeah. But that's just a natural. That's a natural instinct that happens to everybody. And I think you have to remember to trust yourself because when you were in a more rational state, you decided that it wasn't right for you guys. And she also decided that, too.

So stay the course. And my advice would be to not do the archiving thing and the reflecting thing and the sleeping on the couch and staying in close proximity. Looking at a new apartment sounds great, but get out of there. Extract yourself from the situation. And then once you have some distance, you can go back and archive the Instagram photos.

You can reach out and maybe have a friendship or something. But it's the half measures that are going to keep having you like waffling between your decisions and keep pulling you back. And nothing's going to change. Yeah. And if it was truly meant to be, maybe you guys can separate for a year or two. And then like, all right, we tried that. It was also bad and we appreciate each other now at age 25, 6, 7 or whatever.

Right. To be fair, you've already tried staying together and you actually have not tried breaking up. So try that and then see. Give both options, you know? Yeah, but you really do have to commit to the breakup. And not easy, but the only way that it gets better is if you actually follow through and do it. If you sit there and wallow,

then it doesn't actually feel like breaking up. It feels like wallowing. Yeah. And honestly, the worst it can be when you're alone is still kind of fine because you can sort of do whatever you want. Yeah. So even if you're alone, you still get to hang out with, well, me. Yeah, I was going to say to try to think about the positives, but hanging out with you, I mean, no offense, I'm going to be there with him. I want to watch some Canadian football with the guy.

Yeah, I was just going to say that the the thought of being in a relationship that's better, let's get high for a week and see if you even remember this whore's name. God, God, you're lonely. So he goes back to her. No, you should be single like you should be single single like me. Well, I go all the time and never had to have a girl. I actually, hell, I actually need a friend.

This will be perfect. And now I eat off the floor. So, yeah, don't don't turn around because you're going to see her heart break and try the breakup thing and see how it goes. Yeah, I say try the breakup thing. See how that goes for sure. Most people do go through a bad breakup in their lives. It's, you know, a rite of passage in a way.

Yeah, definitely. I think I mean, I touched on it, but I'm telling you, I've been here to where I was getting out of a relationship that wasn't right. And I still felt like that, like, oh, fuck, moment. Like, what are we doing? This this is the wrong decision. But stayed the course and I'm much happier in my life now. There we go.

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That sounds pretty good. Thank you, stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah, frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping

on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

Boo. We're back. Nice. This is a week after Halloween. So not super timely or relevant to hit them with a boo. Well, there's nothing scarier than spending the holidays with your loved ones. But do they love you? Not yours. I was going to say I wasn't. Yeah. Invited to my family Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Right. If you can believe that. You can. Help. I need somebody. Help. I'm eating food off the floor. Help. Yeah. Your house, there's an eviction notice behind your head. Yeah. It was red tagged. It was red flagged. Obviously. They can't move me because of COVID moratoriums at place.

But what I can do is keep on keeping on. It's a hazardous living situation. They can repossess your house if you're a danger to yourself and others. And I'm a hazard to myself. Yeah. You won't flush your toilet and that's fucked up. So it's irritating. Oh, we actually got another Canadian themed sort of Halloween party question.

So this is perfect. Great. I love that. I'm a guy from Canada who's been dating a girl for a year and a couple months and it's been going really well until last week. She went to a Halloween party and I wasn't able to make it to because I had work. The next day she came up to me and told me that her and another girl were vaping and passing the smoke back and forth by kissing. I'm not a very jealous person, but she's bi and has had a girlfriend before.

At first it didn't bother me at all. But then the other girl came and apologized to me. Am I missing something? And is this actually something I should worry about? Or should I just carry on like I have been? Thanks for the help and have a spooky Halloween. This is a spooky question. I feel like the other...

Haunting. Yes, this is an act that will haunt your relationship. It's funny to be like, I forgive you, it's okay. And then have another apology that kind of signals that it was more serious than it seemed. Wait, she apologized and you didn't. So maybe I am jealous. And I'm mad at you. So the girlfriend came clean and apologized.

Then the girl that she kissed came over and also apologized. That's correct. Slash erect. And that, I guess a bunch of guys were sort of chubbed out seeing this sort of vaping, kissing back and forth situation happen. It said that? No, I'm just assuming. I see.

So you're thinking that they put on a show? Not a formal one with invites and tickets. But obviously not. Yeah, it just seems like a crowd was gathered by. I think you misread the question. I think you misread it or misinterpreted it. I think you read it correctly. I mean, I think moving on is the right vibe.

And it's if you can't force actually being upset if you're not. If you're like, I'm moving on, should I be jealous? I think you should feel what you're feeling. And if it resurfaces, then maybe that would signal. One, your girlfriend's not ready for a relationship. And two, maybe you don't care enough to be in this relationship with her either. So just sort of feel what you feel naturally. Don't like try to see if you should be jealous based on how other people are acting.

Yeah. Yeah. If it bothers some, let her know. And if it's not actually, then you can just sort of keep on keeping on. Maybe this won't come up very often. This seems like a pretty specific situation she found herself in. But if it comes up again, then you would kind of just be like, well, it sounds like this isn't good for our relationship.

This isn't good for us. This isn't good for Opa, as it were. Actually, I'm down to pass the vape, too, if you want to kiss me. Right. You mentioned that, too, the guy that was newly single. You said that you wanted to get high with him. Now you're telling this person that you want to vape with them. And it feels, it stands to reason.

Put the weed in my nose. You are saying that you're down to smoke. And use my skull as a fucking bowl. Yeah. With strangers, with fans who write into the show, you want to hang out with them. And honestly, during the lower points in their lives, you want to spend time with them getting high doing vapes. And I feel like this is a cry for help from you, if I can be sincere for a moment.

In a way, in a way. I do wonder if anyone wants to hang out with me, though. Right. Yeah. Did you notice that none of the questions ask about hanging out with you, even though it's clearly very much on the table? Nobody's ever like, what should I do? Should I hang out with Amir?

I wonder. Let me see. Yeah. Like I was going to say, if they do, we can almost monetize that. But yeah. And I was going to say that nobody wants to spend time with you. Yeah. This one is no go.

This one specifically said PS. So how would you monetize? You're offering it for free. You're offering it for free. No one wants it. And your reaction to that is maybe I should monetize it. I think because it's like it might be one of those. There's like this pretty interesting case study in this

where an alcohol charged triple and the sales went up. Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't actually. But don't reference. I believe it was studies when you are hanging on to pieces of your feces. Because you're a hoarder. Chivis Regal. I think Chivis Regal used to just cost less.

And then they raised their pricing. And it was kind of an interesting case study in consumer behavior. Stop, consider. You're all over the place. You're all over the place. You have to get into spirits is all. At 5,000 a bottle, people would have to be intrigued. Fine.

You know what? Why don't you do that? I'll host this podcast with somebody else. How's that? Even if I sold 10 a month, that's 50 grand. 10 a month of what? Of my liquor. 5,000.

Yeah. Case study. Did you just Google case study? The Chivis Regal effect. Yes. Let me send you some literature. Who's your manager? You know I don't have a manager.

Yeah. So Chivis Regal was once a not reputable brand. And instead of changing the quality of the whiskey, they decided to change the price. And the story has been known as the Chivis Regal effect. Terms used when an increase in price of our product drives increased sales. So for me to hang out with you or sell you a bottle of whatever the fuck. At zero dollars.

And now you're saying this plan into the microphone. So people might. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this whole thing will be cut. People cut this out. Okay. All right, great. Cut this out.

Yeah. This will be cut. This will obviously be cut. Oh, here's an interesting video. Escape from zip ties. You're wasting time. You're a hoarder. You're an online hoarder as well as a physical one.

I'm a time hoarder. My new adult swim show. Time hoarder. Shmuel Blumenfeld time hoarder. Okay. So I guess don't be jealous if you're not. Yeah, that sounds right. And if you are, let her know.

An open communication is key. Okay. Thank you for everybody's questions and theme songs. If you have your own, send them on down to ifirishowatgmail.com. Right on. We're also watching Jake and Amir videos and commenting on them, like Reddit part one and two recently. So if you're down to watch those, that's on our Patreon.

Patreon.com. And you can, as always, uptook them to Karma Heaven. Oh, yeah. Opening theme song, closing theme song was the Karma Police. No, not Karma Police. Radiohead cover by Daniel. Yes, Daniel Grutheisen. Daniel Grutheisen.

So let's hear it again. It's called Turdy's. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you. See you next week. You look so tired, unhappy. Jake always so damn smug. Doesn't give a damn about you.

You'll take a quiet life. Society to starbucks with no awards and no real prizes. No awards and no real prizes. Turdy's, Turdy's. That was a hit gum original.