If I Were You - 568: Body Hair

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

In this episode we discuss mouth breathing, polyamory, and laser hair removal. Shout out to Patrick. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. What? Am I bothering you? Do you have a problem with me? We're back in the lab slash studio. IRL, in person, baby. Last week, Zoom, me sick, you healthy. This week, we're finally together.

You flew to LA. Yep. Now you're incredibly ill. No, I'm not. And I'm healthy. It's so funny how like the pendulum swings like that. I actually feel like that. I feel great.

And you still sound sick. I am sick. Yeah. That's because I am. Okay. You're all so angry. I'm pissed. Yeah.

Because I didn't expect to be here. I slept in the studio last night. You guys kind of ambushed me. Trying to get over this illness. Yeah. I said, you know what? Let me switch it up. Let me sleep in a like sort of sound proof meats.

You're sort of, you're trying to quarantine in different places. Yeah. Which is actually spreading. Which is actually spreading shoes. Yeah. Right. Super spreading it away. But that theme song, I should say, was written by Henry Giles.

Henry Giles. Each G. Headgum. Very cool. I'm not much of a lyricist, but I hope you like this anyway. If you decide to use my song, please plug my Instagram. Nice. What's his name?

Should we obviously say, at Jake Hurwitz? No. It's at Henry Giles 23. Yeah. Also, please give a shout out to my friend Patrick. What's up, man? What's up, buddy? It should be a shout out though.

Hey. Hey, what? Patrick. Yeah. Yeah. It really should be a shout out to his friend. Like shout out to Patrick or something. Oh, yeah.

Okay. And since we're in the studio, we're getting this on really nice cameras. You guys can watch this on our YouTube. And Patrick's probably watching too, so let's get it. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. You're interrupting me, so I can get it. I should just get it clean.

And you can even do like a piece. Like a backwards piece or something. Dooses or like. I like that. Shout out to Patrick. All right. Why don't we just use that? Because that was just me giving you a line read.

Shout out to Patrick. That feels like you're. Yeah. Richard Nixon. Yeah. You're doing your thing. I'll do my own thing. Shout out to Patrick.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. You can almost do like a, like do three, do middle finger index finger and thumb. And then do like the sort of casual. That's not casual at all. Shout out to Patrick. That feels so forced to me. Really?

Shout out to Patrick. I don't know. I don't know. What about like just like barely a salute? Finger guns? Almost. No. I mean.

Yeah. I don't know. Pieces actually did feel pretty right. Really? Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. This way. Left hand.

Backwards. Backwards left hand. I don't know. Also, I think the salute, but like maybe a one finger. You're fudging with the mic. I think it's like getting your head. Yeah. I mean, I'm nervous.

I feel like I got a couple of good takes and we can clip one out. I watched this. I'm not even like addressing the mic. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. I don't know. That was almost like a tip of the cap. Yeah.

A tip of the hat. It was too formal. Yeah. Shout out or something like that. I like this. That was kind of a more solid tip of the hat. Shout out to Patrick. That's nice.

What about like the thinker? Shout out to Patrick. Sort of contemplating. How about a point? Oh, that's cool. Shout out to Patrick. That's like TRL style. Yeah.

Like coming up next. Yeah. Let's get that clean. Because I think I was talking over you. It was clean. But do it in a casual way. Not like in a way that feels very conservative. I feel like you leading me into it makes it less casual.

Yeah. So I'll just throw it away. Just throw it away. No big deal. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. I didn't stick the landing. Yeah.

You're not hitting the cane, Patrick. Shout out to Patrick. Which is weird because. Yeah. You're hitting the seat. That was actually the take and you were speaking out for me. Shout out to Patrick. Shout out to Patrick.

Just do Patrick just so I can hear you. Just do Patrick just so I can hear it because I feel like I'll get to the end. You're not my acting teacher. Okay. I can. Patrick. Yeah. It almost sounds like you're saying Patrice.

Patrick. Pat. Now I feel like now I, you know, it's like one of those words that's like lost all meaning. Patrick. Yeah. Patrick. It's so weird. Patrick.

Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. You're looking at me almost before it ends. Like we have to get it super clean. And in a wide. There's the wide camera right there. I'll get, I'll do it twice. Then we really have to move on.

Shout out to Patrick. Just to the wide so it matches. Well, it would. Yeah. It would match if you just did it once because we're rolling on both. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. That would not match.

Yeah. Because now you're looking. Yeah. All right. Cool. So let's, so then we have the wide. I'm so sorry. Yeah.

Okay. Shout out to Pat. Shout out to Pat. I think we got it. Couple ways. Couple options. I really think we got it. Should we go to commercial break?

No. I think we're still pretty early days. As it were. Actually, I was thinking, well, this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. Shout out to Patrick. Shout out to Patrick. In about six months will be our 10 year anniversary of the show.

Wow. What should we do? I feel like we should kill the show, right? Oh, that's fun. So not really a celebration, more of a funeral. Yeah. An end of days slash times because we did like the Jake and Amir thing for about 10 years. Then there was the podcast for about 10 years.

Right. Now we have to think about what's after that. Yeah. And we're running out of clock because we kind of like, you know, we started the podcast while we were still doing Jake and Amir. Yeah. Yeah. We were still in the transition.

Really? What would have been perfect is if I was on the D&D podcast. Right. Because that would be like the blend into that. Yeah. This one fades out. We go all in on that. Yes.

Exactly. Yeah. You could maybe, maybe replace Caldwell. I see. If you like. Is he like a super important part of the? Definitely. Definitely.

But I think it's something worth to happen to him. Does he bring anything to the table beyond D&D? Like does he? Yeah. He's a great artist. I couldn't do art. I don't think I could do art. But I wonder if there's something else I could have that could almost make me feel part

of that. I grew as important as Caldwell. I wonder that too. I wonder that too. Nothing comes to mind. Does Emily do music? Yeah. Emily does all the music.

I was going to say, if there's a hole there, I wonder if I could fill that music. Could you? Art. I don't know how to do music. Yeah. I could do almost like what you do there. Yeah. Almost like a replace.

The business. Yeah. The taxes. Really? Yeah. The $10.99. I wouldn't want to do that. That sounds kind of lame.

Oh. I wonder if there's even a fifth thing. Because Murph's like the leader. Yeah. He writes the show. Emily is the music. It's a full-time job editing the show. So I'm not down for that.

Right. I wonder what you are down for. Because it seems like you're just kind of like rejecting everyone else's job. I always want to be the coach in a bizarre way. That is a bizarre thing. Because it sounds like you're pretty. So I'll stand on the sidelines, arms folded, and give you guys notes after the day. Right.

And that's what I don't want. Because you already have a bad attitude. You just heard everyone's second job on the show and rejected it. Yeah. It was nothing. Yeah. It was sort of an easy thing to do, but I don't want to do it. Right.

Okay. So if we do end our show and go into the next thing. What is it? Yes. What is it? And that's, I guess, what we can spend the next six months sort of contemplating. Yeah. Let us know if you have any ideas.

We did video and then we did audio, basically. What's the next thing after almost like a tactile thing, maybe? We could make scarves. Oh, interesting. Like completely a pivot to the right entirely. You and I could just knit. We didn't have that idea about making shirts. Making shirts.

Yeah. Remember, we sort of tasked Rosie with the idea of what would our flannel shirts be? Yeah. Purely designed, not even funny. Right. We wanted, we were going to call, we were going to just have two different flannel shirts called the Jake and the Amir and sell them on a website. That's right.

Whatever happened with that? I think we ended up selling up 10,000 shirts. That turned into Buck Mason. That was, they pivoted to Frank and Oak from Jake and Amir. I did want to call it noun and noun. As the, like sort of like making fun of all those new restaurants like businesses. Okay. Something to think about while we slowly transition away from making a podcast.

But until then. Yeah. What we have here are questions from people who are still in sticky situations. Yes. The show is still alive for now. The show must go on until now. Yes. The show must go until May.

It's going to be dead. Yeah. Nice. I say, fuck it. And let's just start calling people what they actually are. Like we don't have to like save their anonymity anywhere. I feel like if we're going to do that, we should start it next episode because we always, like we've done fake names up until this point.

And these people wrote in under the impression that we would use a fake name. But if you want any, any new question that comes in after this announcement can just be their actual name. Yeah. I was going to say I'm down to burn some bridges on my way out. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. Right.

Cause that's like, yeah, they could sue you. Okay. So let's call this guy Ryan L. Got it. It's Ryan, isn't it? No, it's not. It's not actually. Okay.

Are you happy? Ryan L writes about a year ago, I started boarding dogs at my house because I work from home and I have a good setup for it. And I love having dogs around. Nice. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Um, I worked at home. So bring your dog here during the day.

Well, kind of actually, there's that app Rover. Yeah. And like there's kind of like different doggy daycare, you know, pet sitting at your house, pet sitting at the other person's house. So yeah, I have vaguely heard of it. Recently a woman reached out through one of the apps I used to ask if I could watch her dog during the workday. When she came over to drop the dog off, the owner seemed very cute and nice.

And her dog is amazing, which makes me like her even more. Your dad, it now seems that we may get into a longer term arrangement where I watch her dog during the workday a couple of days a week when she goes to the office. She's been super nice every time I talked to her bordering on flirtatious and I'd be interested in asking her out. But is there a graceful way to do without jeopardizing the dog care arrangement? When I have the dog, I send updates throughout the day. Are there any funny or mildly flirtatious pictures or comments I could send to her about the

dog that may help gauge her interest? Oh, this is a very, it's a high wire act because you don't want to jeopardize the business. Well, I think, yeah, that and I feel like it's very easy. This is right now, it could be a meat cute, but it also could be a meat creep. Interesting. And there are two different ways it can go. I feel like you having the humility and the self-awareness to know that it's a delicate ask.

That's a good start. A good start. I feel like, what about a treat cute? So you give the dog a little extra treats. Oh, that's nice. Oh, you could scratch off the dog's phone number on the collar. And it already has yours, but you could carve a little note into the dog's collar. I scratched off your number.

What? On the collar? Oh, here's a good one, too. You could put a little, a little pill, write a note in a little pill, feed it to the dog, then tell the owner the dog got into some tin foil. Situations. So like, yeah. I don't know what we're saying.

Like when it shits, go through it and make sure that it passed. And then she'll find the little note in the shit. The pill? Yeah. That's another one. I would, and I think I would really just like, first of all, if you have your own dog, maybe be like, I took your dog to X today or something, you know, like this park. That's cool.

And then later on, another date, say, oh yeah, I go there sometimes with my dog. Let me know if you want to bring them both there. That's cool. So that way it's like, you're asking for a doggy date, but it leaves an opening that if she wants like a romantic thing, she can be like, yes, I'm in, but if she says no, then it feels more like declining a doggy date than an actual date so the business can go on. Right.

So maybe he doesn't have a dog, right? Or does that make more sense? Like I don't have a dog, so I want dogs around. Or does it make more sense? It's like, I have a dog and you know, it's fun to have dogs. I think it would make more sense if he had a dog because then you have like all of the infrastructure. Yeah, the dog accoutrement that you would need.

Maybe you can bond your pets together. Yeah. I don't know how to say this, but I think it worked. I'm not looking to do that for my dog. Really? Yeah, that seems nice. You mean taking other dogs in or you mean bringing them to other people's houses? Yeah, I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like when I have to go into work, I don't like leaving him alone in the house. He's a puppy. You want him to play with stuff. Right. How long is he maximum home alone for? Never more than like two hours. That's abuse.

I thought you were going to say five minutes. No, it's not. Two hours alone. You can't leave them alone for more than three hours. And I never even go near three. I can't believe you said a hundred and twenty minutes. How long is Luke alone for right now? But he's an adult.

He's a fully grown fucking man. Like I saw him at intelligentsia. I left him this morning and he was having a date with a fucking lizard. What? It was like a bizarre ass. That's so mature. He was sipping tea. He's having a glow up.

Oh shit. Here's his golden ears. Hey, dude. Sorry. That's my fucking owner. Dude fucking feeds me. So embarrassing. Yeah.

Hi. I know. I'm allowed to leave the house. Anyway. How old is Luke? Eleven. So in doggy years he's 77. But the cool part is he's not going to die.

That's awesome. Or at least I won't see it. So. What do you mean you won't see it? Like as soon as he starts to decline. Yeah. Whatever, congenital heart failure, however you want to spin it, I'm going to fucking jump off a bridge.

Oh my god. So he has to go to my funeral and knock the other way around. Yeah. That way I don't have to deal with that like devastation. Yeah. I can't even imagine. My dog's only six months and he's my best friend. And imagine what's going to happen after ten years of the dog.

Yeah. I can't even think about it. You're a misty-eyed thinker. Oh my god. No. His heart's too pure. All dogs truly do go to heaven except for a few choice dogs. Hitler's dog will go to hell.

My first dog growing up Chico used to bite people. No, I love Chico. Yeah. He used to sort of be a nasty little boy. Yeah. He was nice to me. He liked me. He respected and feared you for sure.

So I mean there's plenty of ways to turn this dog situation into a cute. The best way to a person's heart is to compliment the dog. You ingratiate the dog. Oh, I love your dog. Yeah. I know he's the best dog. Right. Dog, dog, dog.

Yeah. And then you're already communicating through the app. Right. That's true. I think I would just inch it along ever so slightly and take as many cues as possible. Don't take a big swing with this. Yeah. Okay.

Let's take a break. Answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Yeah. Shout out to Patrick. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress.

Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah. Right. I'm just bragging about completing this two-minute, honestly, like BuzzFeed light quiz. I know how you sleep for the better part of the decade.

Excuse me. I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test.

That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com. If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Yes. This is their best offer yet. And no, it won't last long with Helix.

The better sleep starts now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium, or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com. That's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix.

Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. Years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store.

They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you.

Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Yes. Yes, I do. I recently purchased new underwear. Okay. When's the last time you did that?

We get so many like podcast sponsor undies that I feel like I'm good to go every year or two. Yeah. But I think it's been about that long since we got, since we had the last sponsor or something. I also like a very specific type of underwear. So I can't, which is the pair of thieves long, the long, they have like the, the long, the regular brief, the short one and then like the loose. I wonder if I'm wearing that right now.

I got longer legs. So I like it to go down a little bit longer. So yeah. And they're all, they're like a jersey material now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think those were the last ones I got too.

And though I've had them for a long time and they're very high quality. So they stand up, they stand the test of time. And I thought they felt good, but then I bought a brand new pair and it feels incredible. I guess we, we use underwear and wash it so often that you don't really realize that they've been warned and thinned out. Yeah. And then you, you wear them for years and you're, you're wearing something over them all the time.

So you don't really ever see it. You feel, it feels pretty good and that's fine. But then you get brand new underwear and it feels amazing. Interesting. So if your underwear feels good, that's fine, but it should feel amazing. Right. Yeah. So yours is for underwear in general, not that specific brand.

Yeah. That's my brand, but whatever your brand is, just go re-up your underwear. Yeah. Re-up. Get a new pair. Get a freshie. It's kind of like, I think we talked about this before, but you don't realize how bad your toothbrush is until you get a new toothbrush.

Yes. Exactly. It's a slow, gradual decline. Then you get used to it. And then you get a new one. You're like, okay, this is what a new toothbrush should feel like. Yeah. Exactly.

Shoes, socks, pillows. Exactly. Just get a new everything. Everything. Everything should be new. Everything is old right now. Yeah. As you're listening, your shit is too old.

Yeah. So let's upgrade. Let's get new new. Yeah. What are you driving? What are you driving? A 2022 Honda Accord. That's actually pretty new, but it could be 2023.

They came out with the 2023. Shit. It's the same body I was told. Okay. Here we go. Next question. Cool. A egregious body hair.

We'll call this guy. I don't know. Who's the hairiest person you know? Jeff. Jeff writes, my situation is this, I'm single mid 30s man with a large amount of body hair, like a lot, two to three inches of thick hair all over my chest, shoulders, arms, and back. When I dry it, it sticks out like a fuzzy chia pet. Whoa.

Other than that, I'm an average looking guy, in average shape, and an average height. Nice. When I go swimming with friends, it's the first thing they all joke about. Hey Chewbacca, where's Han Solo? I recently went to Las Vegas with friends and several pool parties and hundreds of people later. I noticed that most of the body hair on everyone, I had more body hair than anyone there by a wide margin.

So my question is this, would it be easier to find a potential GF if I waxed or lasered or shaved my body? My concern is that it would be very expensive and time consuming, but I also want to look good and not get made fun of. Or should I lean into the joke harder, bang my chest like a gorilla or Tarzan yell or something? What would you do if you were me? I think it's all about confidence.

So if you can get into your body hair, if you can accept it, embrace it, and feel confident and pound your chest like a gorilla, that's great. And you'll find, I think your confidence will attract a mate. But also, if you would rather laser it off and that'll make you feel confident, then you could do that too. It's your own choice. Laser that much hair feels kind of painful. We did a laser thing.

Yeah, I was going to say, we did it for a true TV pilot. Yeah, where we were learning how lasers worked. Yes, that was ultimately passed on. Yes, it was passed upon and passed on. But on that unaired pilot for literally no one, I had my nipples waxed. Nipples lasered. Yes. I had all of the hair around my nipple lasered off.

And did it hurt? No, it didn't. I definitely remember hamming it up more than it hurt for the camera. It felt like tiny little pricks, maybe the feeling of someone snapping a rubber band on your skin, but in a very, very light playful way. If you've gotten a tattoo, it's a tenth of that or something. But imagine that everywhere. With hair, there's so much of it that I feel like the easiest thing to do would be to wax.

No, but then you have to do it forever. If I were super hairy and I didn't like it, I still think I might be into the hair. It's like you look healthy and virile. I think that's cool. It's almost like, but not masculine, but like animal. I feel like Tom Selleck with the mustache and the chest hair, that's like a manly thing. I think you could embrace that. But I could imagine I wouldn't want hair on the back of my shoulder blades.

Like creeping up through the back of your neck becoming your regular hair. So I would, because the laser hair removal lasts a longer time. Does it last forever? I don't know if it actually lasts forever. Yeah, years, I think. You have to keep doing it at first and then it sort of. So I would maybe strategically choose some spots to get the hair to basically sculpt the hair.

So it looks less unruly. Have you ever done that like Nair or razor or anything like that with body hair? When I was in seventh grade, I wanted my armpit hair to grow faster and I read or heard that you shave it would grow back harder, like, you know, thicker. So I remember using my mom's razor to shave my armpits. Dry or did you use like? I was in the shower. Yeah.

So I shaved the pits off. Didn't happen. Didn't happen for me. It still hasn't grown back. Oh my God, scabs. A lot of scabs. Yeah, yeah. The skin didn't come back either.

And then, yeah, like trimming the pubic region is something I still do. Right. But that's just electric razor, not like, not intense spa style. Yeah. I've never like waxed or like really tried to do anything like that. And I know you haven't. Yeah. I don't have enough hair to justify it.

And if I did, I don't know if I would do that. Although the idea of like having wax and then tearing it off was kind of cathartic. Oh, interesting. I've seen like, I think my Instagram Discover page for some reason thought that I was really into like men waxing their nose hair. Oh, interesting. And it's like they're at a salon. Somebody pours this like goopy ass stuff down their nose and then yanks it.

And I guess Instagram thought I was into it because maybe I am, I might be. Yeah. It was fun to watch. So they know, they know you more than you do. Well, they know humanity. I think. They're like, I have to watch a few videos and how I keep serving me more. But now I think maybe I would wax my nostril.

Really? Yeah. It'd be nice. I think it would, you know, it creates less boogers up there and I pick my nose too much. So maybe if I had that like ultra smooth nose. I'm curious as to how my, not just nose hair, but like my entire nasal passage, I feel like minus thinner than average.

Yeah. Like for me to close my mouth and just breathe through my nose, I don't think I could get enough oxygen. It doesn't feel very narrow. You just fainted for a second. But with your nose, does it feel like two thick tubes and you're getting enough oxygen? Yeah, I feel like I, I mean, I breathe out of both orifices. Yeah.

But what about at night? Are you sleeping your mouth closed? No, I sleep with my mouth open for sure. Yeah. That's considered not good. Yeah. I think I'm a mouth breather, but I don't feel like if I needed to breathe through my nose, I think I could do it.

You think if you've taped your mouth shut, which some people recommend that. Taping your mouth shut? Yeah. Avitah was like to, she read in a article or book or something was like, if you want to incentivize nose breathing, which is considered like healthier, then you sleep with your mouth shut and it like opens the passageways. Oh, that's like, if I did that, I might die. But if I like can't breathe enough to, or I don't get enough oxygen yet, that would

be scary. But I think my body would reject the tape. Like at a certain point, I'd be like, give it a shot, take a nap instead of a full on sleep and see what happens. I'm afraid I won't make it to the other side. I'll stay up with you. All right. Here we go.

Oh, sorry. I knocked out. Oh my God. No. We're both bound dead. What happened? Amir took a nap and died and I was responsible and then I died in shame. Tied of shame.

It's like the old married couple that stayed alive for each other and then one of them passed away. Yeah. Only you would do that at age 30. I wonder if you and I will die within a certain amount of each other. Interesting. You think you're going to die first or me? I would assume I would die after you.

Why? Because you sort of often throw caution to the wind. Oh, yeah. That's true. Yeah. So you'll, you fly more than me, which is kind of dangerous. You drive more than me. Right.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but you have a strong lineage of heart disease in your family. I don't have a relative that made it past 50. My cousin. Yeah. No, I think I'll outlive you. That's awesome. Yeah.

I mean, I joked about it earlier, but I wouldn't mind dying on the early-ish side just so I didn't have to deal with the grief and like going through like the funerals and seeing everybody around me die. Right. Yeah. That's true. Like if I make it to 70-ish, that's fine, right? I don't know.

That's low. It's low. It's pretty low. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was 70. That's fine.

I feel like I think people would hear that and be like, man, he was still pretty young. Yeah. Wasn't that old? Yeah. Wasn't that old? Yeah. Wasn't that old? Yeah.

Almost hit international average. Although I hear that if you hit 70, the odds of you like hitting 85 are really high. Oh, interesting. Like the only reason that like the average is like in the 70s is because some people die of diseases in like the 50s and 60s. Oh, that's cool. Like if you survive to like the 70s, then you're good to go. Yeah.

You're just sailing past right that. That's nice. And then there's also like four main ways people die. What are they? It was like cancer, heart disease, obesity or something like that. And I forget the fourth one, but it was like... Shane? Yeah.

It was a keeping your mouth shut while you're taking it out. Taping your mouth before you go to bed. Where if like you can like somewhat control the risk of the first three or something like that. Wow. All right. All right. Enough about talking death.

Yeah. Let's talk about how I think you'll die. Enough about death about me. Let's talk about your inventing death and how and why that will happen. Yeah. All right. Let's take another break. Think another sponsor.

Come back and answer more questions after these messages. Come on. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it.

If you need to sell products online, Stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart. Running a business isn't cheap. So Stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates, holy smokes. And for 25 years, Stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses. So if one million businesses can trust Stamps.com, certainly you can too. Set your business up for success with Stamps.com today.

Just sign up with promo code, if I were you, for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, you click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good.

Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents.

Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. For my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice.

Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant.

Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. Oh, I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. Let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow.

This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something, all right, and use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus

free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Shout out to Patrick. Thank you. Was I dating a sociopath?

Was I? Let's find out. Hey guys, I'm going to get straight to the point. My boyfriend of over a year sent me a text a couple nights ago saying that he was sleeping with other girls and proceeded to break up with me over text. Oh. He also managed to change his Facebook status to single within 15 minutes of texting me. Okay.

He wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts after sending that text and I haven't heard from him since. This would be one thing if we were teens or just starting college, but we were in our early to mid-20s. Obviously, I was devastated and I still am, but now I am the mostly fucking pissed and my eardrums can only handle so much more rage against the machines before they burst and go deaf. Okay.

I just can't sit here knowing that he got out of this relationship so easily and guilt-free. I need to do something to feel better and release this anger. Any suggestions? Oh, here's one. I made him listen to your podcast one time because I love you guys and he said it was stupid. So that was a red flag. I was going to take his side up until this point.

Thank you. PS, this was not a long time coming. I had no indication it was going to happen. The night before he sent that text, we were talking on the phone discussing our upcoming Thanksgiving trip and how excited we were. And then it ended with a phone call with him saying, I love you and good night. Wild. So he sort of admitted to all this stuff via text and broke up with somebody.

Yeah. I mean, it sounds a little sociopath-y for sure. Yeah. I don't really know the psychological definition of sociopathy, but he seems like this guy has got overwhelmed in a scared way and then just like, I'm just going to fucking do this over text and get out of this. I think it's more likely that you're dating a coward or we're dating a coward. Because a sociopath can kind of like do all this stuff without feeling anything.

Tells you he loves you, but doesn't actually mean it, then breaks up with you and never thinks about you again and doesn't care what your feelings were. So this guy cares so much that he did it over text because he was afraid to see your friend break up. I don't think he cares about your feelings. He cares deeply about his own feelings and he was scared because he thought it was going to be an unpleasant conversation. So rather than have it because he's a coward, he said, I'll just text her.

Yeah. So maybe sociopaths, but probably full coward diva. But ultimately it's a good thing. I understand why you're upset, but it's also like, I don't want him to get away with this so easily. You shouldn't have the attitude of he should have to say to my face, that seems like not a healthy way to react to that information. I understand being upset because it was just so startling, but it's also like this is ultimately

a good thing because he's not a good guy. But he denied you closure, which isn't really fair. But what is closure really? If somebody breaks up with you, isn't that all the closure you need? Do you have to know why? I think, I don't know, in this case, I feel like, I guess I've seen some women that my wife is friends with. This happens to them on the dating apps too.

They get ghosted or something and they just want to be like, I want to have a conversation so I can give this guy feedback so he doesn't do this to more women. Yeah. Do you think they actually think that or do you think they want to know the answer? Not knowing. It was going well and now it's not. And I need to know why. I don't know.

It seems earnest, but I also think that it's, I don't feel like there's anything you can say or do that will make this guy grow or change. So like, there must be some other way, some other focus that you can have that's not on him to find the closure that you need. Yeah. Like, I don't think there's any way to get what you want with him involved. I don't know the way to do it necessarily, but take him out of the equation. Yeah.

Like, if you're in a longer left relationship and somebody just disappears, just out of morbid curiosity, you're interested, you're like, what the hell happened? Yeah. I mean, if you're saying I love you and then the next thing is a text. Yeah. Sometimes, maybe he just needs time right now. He might just be afraid of you. But he also said that he slept with other people in the text.

Yeah. He wanted that breakup for sure. I think that's always the best way to get over someone is to find somebody else or to just hang out by yourself and enjoy that free time. Yeah. I think that's the best way to get over somebody. Yeah. But what if you don't have any fucking friends?

I'm sure she has friends. No. I'm talking about me. Yeah. Well, you should never let Avi Tal break up with you. I have alienated literally every single from soup to nuts. Your dog won't talk to you at Intelligencia. Exactly.

He doesn't even know you. He's turning a blind paw. He's dating a lizard in your face. And for what? It makes no sense. So ultimately, you are understandably angry, but you can't sort of force him to talk to you. Yeah.

I think that what I would do in this situation, I still don't know if it's right, but that's the name of the podcast. If I were you, I would cut him off entirely. No following on Instagram, unfriend on Facebook, pretend he doesn't exist because every single time it bubbles up is a little reminder of how shitty he is. So just erase him from everything, try not to think about him, focus on building other good stuff in your life. And then eventually, if it comes back, you can have that conversation where you tell

him everything. But basically, right now, it's all too raw to need the conversation. It's all too real. Yeah. It's a little too real. I mean, the Facebook status change alone. Single. He had that weighting.

Absolutely savage. You know, he's poking other people by now. He has to be. He's working. One of the last time you logged into Facebook and changed your, you should log in right now and just change your. I don't even have it on my phone. Relationship status.

Yeah. I think it, I'm sure it still says single or maybe I just don't have it. I think I remember being in a relationship on Facebook, breaking up and needing to change it. Yeah. And I was like, I'll never, ever make my relationship status public again. This is the last thing I want. But it is a good way to blast it out so everybody knows.

Yeah. You're younger. How's it going? Good. I broke up with this person. Good. I broke up with this person. Yeah.

Facebook was like a one stop shop letting everybody know you're either in or out of a relationship. Yeah. I don't like it. How do they do that now a day? I don't, I don't need hundreds of people to know exact at the exact same time. There's just like what are, what are, if you're 21 years old now and you're newly single, is that a Snapchat notification, Instagram, how are kids letting people know? Every 21 year old is single.

That's awesome. Yeah. They're all poly. That's really good. There's no such thing as a relationship anymore, man. Damn. Yeah. That's dope.

I'm a. Shout out to Billy. Billy just walked in. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. I might do the polyamory thing too. That's awesome.

I haven't considered it. You can't get Alvi Tall to fuck you. So what would you, well, she's, she's already in like this trouble situation. Right. Okay. So I'm like, okay, I have two options, one, I'm devastated or two, I'm in a polyamory relationship. So you are poly.

It's just that you don't, you're kind of a cuckold in a polyamorous relationship. Yeah. I'm poly, but not on purpose. Yeah. I guess every cuckold is actually in a polyamorous relationship. That's a nicer way to look at it. So what would you say that I am? Would you say I'm sad or would you say I'm poly?

I think you're a happy cuck. That's really cool. Call me Pauly Shore because I'm sure I'm Pauly. The weasel. Yeah. This is going to be our last episode. Put her there, ma'am. We had a good run.

I'm not even sure that's true. Wow. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. We petered out at the end, didn't we? Yeah. Went out with a whimper.

We borrowed from Peter to pay Pauly. Nice. And now we're back, baby. Woo. Six more years. Six more years. All right. Thank you guys for listening.

Thank you for watching, if you can believe it. Truly. We are doing our damnedest to answer all your questions and play all your theme songs. The email address for everything is if I were your show at gmail.com. That's right. And we're still making videos on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A., watching classic Jacob and Amir episodes and providing some insight and just finding ourselves LOL-ing at the jokes we came up with 10 years ago.

That's correct. So you can watch it all there as well. Of course you can watch this on YouTube as you guys maybe are right now. We don't have to tell you twice. And then let me see who wrote that gosh darn theme song I can never remember. It was Henry. Yeah. Henry Giles.

Henry Giles. Henry Giles. Shout out to Patrick. Yes. And shout out to Patrick. And thank you guys for listening. And we'll of course be back next week. You know it.

Ciao, everybody. Bye. Bye. That was a hit gum original.