If I Were You - 569: Vasectomy

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

In this episode we discuss soccer, football, and Norwegian Nerds. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Double Ganger, if you hear the things he'll say, it'll ruin your whole day. Yes, but the odds are he'll be back again tomorrow. Secret chipmunk man, secret chipmunk man. He is talking about crypto and eating acorns from your hand. Beware of free advice from greedy rodents. For a dirty every week, he's always chosen. He has a very shriveled heart and his friendships all fall apart.

But the odds are he'll be back again tomorrow. Secret chipmunk man, secret chipmunk man. He is talking about crypto and eating acorns from your hand. It goes on for another minute, quite frankly. Wow, that's awesome. I guess we'll play the full version at the end, but that was like your theme. Yeah, that one was called secret chipmunk man. Makes sense.

Not really. A bunch of the stuff was off color, off cooth, too blue, too soon to be forgotten. I feel like you made the energy weird up top because I was dancing. Because I forgot to roll. You weren't rolling your audio? It felt like you were asking me if I was rolling, so you were saying you forgot to roll. I forgot to roll and I'm like, oh, are you rolling? I forgot to say let's roll.

That was an earnest, you were actually trying to figure out if I was recording my audio. Yeah, I didn't want to get into it and then it's like, oh shit, I forgot to say record, hit record, Joe. That's interesting. Yeah, if you watch it on the video, it noticeably dampers the mood to talk production during the dance. You can watch this. Everybody is listening right now. You can watch this on our YouTube. Sometimes we're in the same room.

Sometimes we're in the same Zoom. Yeah. Should we break the fact that we're going to maybe record some Jake and Amir's on the Head Gum YouTube channel? No, we don't have to do that. Okay, so we won't break that news yet. Yeah, not yet. Right.

Because it's not even official. It's just like, what else is new? Oh, I had another new idea. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. I just have to close the door. You can keep talking about the idea. Yeah, okay.

Well, I had a new idea for our new podcast, for a pivot for us. So yeah. Would you say I was not wearing my headphones? You're wearing wireless headphones and you walked towards your door and took off. Oh, no, they're wired. I plugged them in. Oh, they are. Yeah.

These are wireless, but I plugged them in for the record. I see. Okay. So my idea is a World Cup podcast. Oh, it's, yeah, very, it's late in the game, right? Because we're already through. Late in this, for this one, but then next one's in four years. Yeah.

So we'd have probably the first World Cup podcast. Yeah. The next one's when? The next one's in America. So America doesn't even have to qualify. That's awesome. So yeah, we can get started with it now during this World Cup. Basically World Cup preview podcast.

So we're previewing the next one. Whatever. And then, then we do predictions and just talk football. Do you have any predictions for the next while this one's happening? Fucking four years from now. Right. Exactly. Yeah, I guess I think Spain will do it.

What? Do you know any of the players on Spain? Um, yeah. You're not going to host it. Knife to my ribs, I could name Cesar Aspera, Aspen La Queta. Knife to your ribs. Instead of gun to my head. That's so much more painful.

Yeah, that's why I'm pretty desperate to come up with an answer. You want, by the time this episode comes out, U.S. will have either been eliminated or won their greatest match of all time against the Netherlands. Yeah. And we actually did Argentina come back from half time because we could make a bet. Oh, interesting. So yeah. It might be too late.

We watched the first U.S. group play game together, USA Wales. And I, it was me, you and Emily, the original crew. And I was telling you guys all about the fun bets you can make online. Yeah, the side bets, the prop bets. Is that what they're called? Prop bets? Yeah, prop bets, side bets, any kind of bets. And because it's, you know, such a popular game, they just, they, they really give you a lot of options.

You can bet on how many passes a team will have, how many corners a team will get. We bet on the teams to not get three corners in the second half. Right. Yeah. So it's not just like betting has evolved. Maybe it's always been like this, but I used to think of betting as like, oh, you bet on this team to win or this team to win. And that's it. Right.

But yeah, we made a bet that neither team would get more than, or get two, three corners in the second half. There was like only two, there was two corners, two corners for Wales and one, or two for the U.S. and one for Wales in the first half. Yeah. It was like, which team will hit three corners first, USA, Wales or neither team, which was like 17 to one. We're like, oh, let's bet on neither. Maybe it'll be like one of those games where randomly no team gets more than two corners. Yeah. Which happens.

It does happen. I mean, in half and not in a whole game. Yeah. Just the second half. And it almost happened in this one, actually. We almost hit it, but like USA got to three corners and Wales was stuck on two. So it was very close. Yeah.

But it did ruin the second half for me up until the point. Yeah. You didn't like it. I did not like it at all. I was watching. I basically enjoyed the first half. And then the second half, I was nonstop watching the goal line to see if there was going to be a corner. Yeah.

It helps if you're betting on something you already root for. So for example, in the USA Iran match, Marty and I bet that the USA would win. Okay. We're already rooting on the USA to win. So if it happens, then it's like just cheer a little harder. Yeah, exactly. I should have bet on the U.S. to get to three corners because then I would have been like rooting for them every time they got close to the goal. Yeah.

And also I would have won. So that would have been good. Yeah. And then sometimes people like hedge their emotion like, okay, I'll put $1,000 on Iran. So like if they win, I won't be devastated because then I'll win like $4,500. And if USA wins, then I'm already happy or whatever. Right. But then you will hedge your joy because you'll be like, yes, USA won, but I lost $1,000.

Yeah. So that like of losing your bet, you're not going to be that happy to lose $1,000. It'll be slightly dampened. Yeah. Did you see what the odds were for the USA Netherlands match? Oh, no, I did not. Netherlands heavy favorite for like the USA to win. It's like almost four to one.

Wow. What are you going to do? I might bet on a draw because that bet only happens for the first 90 minutes. So if it's like 0-0 going into extra time, you win your bet and then the USA can win on penalty kicks. Oh, that's kind of nice. Yeah. Though from what I hear, they're very bad at corner kicks, very bad at set pieces and

very bad at penalty kicks. That does kind of track their young. I feel like they're fast and feisty, but they're not necessarily great at soccer. I used to love the penalty kicks. And as I've grown up, I've gotten, they give me way too much anxiety. It's just too much pressure on single people and it's a fucking guessing game. I have two problems with penalty kicks. One, they shouldn't be worth as much as a regular goal like USA Wales.

We score a goal. It's incredible. They score on a penalty kick. That's a draw. No, we should win by a little bit. Right. I guess there should be different color cards because like getting a basically, I feel like you can get, you get fouled in the box and like, for instance, Christian Bale's penalty

like Christian Bale or Christian Christian Gareth Bale. Gareth Bale. Yeah. But the penalty on Bale in that game, I think he had his back to the goal. Like that was like, not a foul in the box, but like it. Yeah. They should, it shouldn't be allowed to like be an 85% getting gimme. Yeah.

Right. But then there are also like penalties where somebody has like an open goal and somebody like slide tackles them because it's the last ditch effort or uses their hand to block the ball. It's like, all right, well, at least it's not like a, it's a goal to give myself a chance. Yeah. Yeah. But then sometimes like, oh, if you slow it down, you can see that ball accidentally touch

that guy's elbow and now you guys have an 85% chance of scoring the goal, which gives you like a 60% chance of winning the match. It's really not perfect. It's, it's a really, it's a tough place to be because like, now that that technology does exist, it's like, are you, should you really just not use it? Cause every single, after every single game, uh, so they should have called handball and then they show the technology like, yes, they should have called handball. Yeah.

But it seems like the rules, the rules are made to like, like offsides. The rules are meant to like just eyeball it. And like, if a guy's clearly cherry picking or like being offsides, then you call it, but not like, oh, actually his elbow, if you slow it down and get this 3D rendering was ahead of that guy's knee, like the USA second goal right before the first half last night should have probably been a goal anyway. But actually if you slow it down and render the video, it looks like his one knee was ahead of the other guy's elbow.

Yeah. That's, that's fucked up. I feel like they should use the technology just to be like, this person's feet are planted further up the field. Cause like they've, they've gotten to the point where it's like, oh, this guy's pinky. Yeah. Is that an advantage? They were pretty much tied ostensibly tied.

Right. It should be like where their feet are. Or like if there's any part of his overlapping body. If you, if you get the jump on somebody and you start your run, you're leaning forward to run, they're planted flat footed like an idiot. But like, oh, like you're technically offside cause your shoulder leaned past me. Yeah. That doesn't seem like it's correct.

I bet you and I should be in charge of FIFA cause they also, they've done some, they're potentially perfect, but I feel like they've had a few missteps, especially with the. I'm also down to have the next World Cup in Qatar. Should we do everyone here in the dead of winter from now on? I'm getting, I'm actually getting bribes just to suggest that on a podcast. Two more other things about soccer that I realized from watching it for a week now. One. Yeah.

Football. Go ahead. Blocking a penalty kick should be worth a goal. That's the hardest thing to do. More than scoring is blocking a messy penalty, which did happen in the first half. I don't know if you saw a messy, got a penalty kick. Yeah. I love that Polish goal.

He's, he had eight saves in the first half, maybe more now. Like insane. That should be worth one or at least half a goal. Right. And then if it's messy, it's a goal and a half. If you're, if you're willing to take a penalty kick, you should be willing to get punished for missing a penalty kick. There has to be some negative outcome to missing it.

So you got, you're, you have an issue with penalties. I have an issue with VAR for sure. Also, like the penalty kick leading right into free play where it's like, all right, let's completely slow down. I can't like kick a penalty. It comes back to me and then I kick it right in. I feel like that's not okay either. Yeah.

That happened to the euros. You had a really, you had an issue with Harry Kane's putback. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, the putback. The goalie won. Now it's like dead time a little bit. One last thing. When they review a goal and it's canceled, there's very little fanfare about that.

Like sometimes a team will celebrate for like three minutes and then they start playing like, we reviewed it. It wasn't a goal, but they're still playing. Like, do they know that? Like the crowd is still going wild. They just like the ref like in the sidelines like, Oh, by the way, that wasn't a goal. It's like, we should stop the match and let everyone know. Like now we should give them a chance to grieve.

Yeah, exactly. Like they're still celebrating the goal, but they just like, by the way, that wasn't a goal. Goals are so important. The fact that they like wipe them off. Yeah. That really, it sucks. I, it happened to my team in the Champions League where like they won in a, in stoppage

time, like with a miraculous Harry Kane header in the rain. Everybody like running around like fucking maniacs. It was incredible. And then like they spent three minutes reviewing it. The game is over after three minutes. They're already lifting up the trophy. Yeah. What are you doing?

That's, it's, I don't know. I, I feel like they've trusted the robots a little too much, but then it's still the humans that look at the robots and, and say what the robot said. So it's, it's not, it's not all there yet. And how also this is more of a situational problem, but like yesterday when, uh, Pulisic Pulisic, whatever, CP scored the goal. He hit his nuts so hard that he didn't even get to celebrate. Like he hit the, he kicked a goal in, which was like pretty much the best goal in

US soccer history, but instead of being joyful, he was just rioting in pain. And then thus the team couldn't really celebrate either. Yeah. It was just like straight into the pain. There was no joy. And like that's also, that's the coolest thing that's happened to a US team in almost a decade. So like the replays of that will always just be like, no, no fucking cool slide to the

corner, like run to the, yeah, run to the corner, slide on your knees. Everybody's celebrating joyously. It's like our, our World Cup moment will forever be a replay of a nasty nut shot. It's like a buzzer theater basketball, but a guy tearing his ACL at the same time. So everyone was just bummed during it. Yeah. Their smiles certainly faded. It was, it was very sad, but man, I would a hero.

I think Christian Pulisic is awesome. I hope he plays in the Netherlands match. Yeah. It's funny, like everybody, the, like the team doctors and the coaches and stuff being, like he's being evaluated or treating him and he's just posting on social media. It's like, I will be in the match. I don't need a fucking right ball. Heart of a champion, man.

Do you think they have a chance against the Netherlands? Yeah, I think they do. I mean, if we tied England. Anything is possible. Yeah. England is a, is it's like a really good team. I think England is better than the Netherlands. Right.

I don't, I don't know. All I know on the Netherlands is that they have a good defender. It's good defender, Virgil van Dijk and then Gakpo. They're like, striker is supposed to be very, very good. I'm sure the team is good. Seems like America needs one of those striker guys. Yeah. We don't have like a tall guy with a cool header who can like kick the ball in from far away.

It seems like we just, we have small little fast dudes that try to get so close to the goal that eventually we can nut shot the ball into the net. Yeah. But I almost feel like that's what works in the World Cup. Like you really see a lot of the, a lot of the stars end up getting like double teamed and they're ineffective. So like it's not, well, I guess that like creates space, but I don't know. I like that there's no defined hero on the US team.

It's Argentina did score, but it wasn't messy. Okay. Well, I guess I don't really, I'm trying to think, I don't think I care about that bracket at all. You don't like a Messi or Ronaldo or any of that stuff. I love Ronaldo. I also love Messi, but I don't, I don't necessarily want the bracket to be that stacked for our boys. So you're already looking ahead, like once we beat the Netherlands, what's up? Yeah.

Yeah. I want, I think I want Saudi Arabia and Mexico to go through. Yeah. Doesn't seem likely right now, especially not the Saudi Arabia part. For sure. For sure. All right. This is not a soccer podcast or a football podcast, but maybe one day it will be.

Maybe we'll pivot 2026 World Cup preview podcast. This is if I were you, an advice show, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. Yes. I'm Amir. I am Jake. Gosh, what do we do? We're almost at the 20 minute mark right away. Do we answer a question and push everything back?

Do we try to take a break now? It feels kind of too much too fast too soon. Yeah. This is just like you're giving the show notes during the episode, huh? I just can't. It's right on the borderline. I wish we had like another thing to talk about that wasn't a full question. We don't want to take 15 minutes now to answer a question, you know?

Yeah. We could talk about the fact that I got COVID last week. I gave you COVID maybe. We don't know. Low key possibly gave me COVID. I think, I don't know, would you put it at greater than 50% greater than 20%? I would put it pretty low because I mean, we're able to track it with the podcast that we record. So like two weeks ago, three weeks ago, I talked about going to Vegas.

Then two weeks ago, I had COVID while we recorded. We talked about that. Yeah. And then last week's episode, we were in the same studio after I had COVID. Right. You have slash are getting over COVID. Going by the release schedule, it certainly looks like. Yeah.

Me having it, then us together, then you having it. Right. I see how that looks bad. Yeah. And if someone could look at the unedited footage of Jake and Amir watch that we recorded together in my hotel room, where you're just like, brutally coughing. Sneezing.

Yeah. Yeah. Sneezing. Yeah. That wasn't good. Symptomatic for sure. Symptomatic for sure. But I think I wasn't anymore because it was like day 11 or 12 giving off the coronavirus.

Right. So my theory is that you got it on the flight there or back because nobody. It's going around. It's nobody. I mean, it's a pandemic, man. Yeah. Nobody. You were with an LA or New York got sick, right?

No. So that's something like we were there with Rachelle, the producer. She didn't get sick either. I asked. Oh, all right. So maybe you didn't have an exact moment. Yeah. That's at least my story.

You give it to me. It festers for a few days, doesn't it? Yeah. It festers for sure. Yeah. Definitely uncle festers. Either way, man, I forgive you. Thank you.

I needed to hear that. All right. Now let's take a break. We'll come back and answer a question on the other side of these messages. Yep. Yep. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes.

Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah. Right.

Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't how you sleep for the better part of the decade. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress.

Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows. Come on.

Yes. This is their best offer yet. That's long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. Now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one.

And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code

or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace

and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good.

Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post

office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it. If you need to sell products online, stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart running a business isn't cheap. So stamps.com has huge carrier discounts. We're talking up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates, holy smokes. And for 25 years stamps.com has been indispensable for over one million businesses. So if one million businesses can trust stamps.com, certainly you can too.

Set your business up for success with stamps.com today. Just sign up with promo code if I were you for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale.

That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. And we're back Jake. Do you have? Oh, it's the left side of the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't think I do, but do you?

I got unsolicited advice from my haircut man, my barber man, my stylist of sorts. Interesting. How do you think? How do you think my hair looks right now? For those of you watching on YouTube and Jake IRL, it looks your hair looks good. Everything else. I mean, sorry, your hair looks good. That's what I'll say.

Everything else. Dot, dot, dot. Yeah. Everything else. So I got my haircut last Wednesday and I was told to rinse my hair, but not to wash my hair. The difference being shampoo. He told me because my hair was at this point nearly 50% gray, gray hair is wireier, drier,

drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier,

drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, drier, it's funny, I've been doing the same thing, because I was getting like a really dry flaky standard, if I guess you could call it. Yeah. And, and I was like, what's going on? And my barber told me that I, she asked me how often I shower. And I said, sometimes twice a day, too much, you wash your hair every time. And I said, yes. And she was horrified. Yeah. So I've stopped. So now I shampoo my hair once a week. But she told me that I could condition it every single time. Because I feel like I haven't showered unless I put something in my head.

Yeah. Like to sweat, like the sweat that dries onto your skin is what smells. Does it dry onto your hair? Or like you could just wash it off with water and your hair doesn't stink anymore. I mean, I think, I think that's what your, what, what your barber, I almost called them your doctor. I think that's what my hair doctor told me. Yeah. I think like you rinse, you put soap on like, on your body and then rinse out the hair. That seems, that seems fine. And also, I mean, all of this stuff is always like, how do you feel about it? How does it make, how do you think it's looking? And it is looking good. I think everybody has such different bodies and different hair. Yeah. I guess I'm saying it's worth a shot. It works for me. Worth a shot. Give it

a shot. Yeah. Are you not going to go to shot? I already am. And I enjoy it. I've been, I'm down to once a week with the shampoo. Yeah. I mean, I used to wear like hair grease products and I hadn't since the pandemic because I went so long without seeing anybody. So now I'm on this like natural kick and it seems like my hair is holding as though I'm putting stuff in it, but I'm not. Yeah. It looks better than it has in a while. And it's actual, actual bedhead instead of a product called bedhead. Yeah. Right. I was going to say before, you've like, you've been looking awful, frankly. And I feel like the- It doesn't, don't worry about like other stuff or how I look in general or anything like that. All I'm talking about is- What was that? What was that? Dingo.

He's, he's hanging out in this room relaxing with me. Only now he, he has the sense that there's a dog nearby. Yeah. He senses slash feels that to be the case. Yeah. He really doesn't bark and then every once in a while, like something will just concern him. He snaps. And I almost, I've, for the most part, I've always just been like telling him to relax. And then I find out that it's something I was glad that he was barking about. So there's probably someone robbing my house right now. Yeah. All right. Well, while they do that, we might as well answer some questions on this show. Good call. Thanks for barking, buddy. That was really nice. Here's one. Speaking of getting older and our fans getting older, we finally have our first question about a vasectomy.

Oh my God. Let's go. We'll call this guy Victor. Asectomy. Right. I'm getting a vasectomy in February and I'm a little nervous about it. For one, I don't like the idea of a doctor cutting open my nuts while I'm knocked out. But I'm not a coward and it needs to be done. Anyway, I have a couple of questions. What is the appropriate level of shaving slash trimming that needs to be done before the doctors and nurses see my grundle? Do I have to shave my asshole? Two. Not only is the surgery scary, but apparently the first time you nut afterwards is a blood bath. I'm preemptively scared as shit about that. Any ideas on how to get over it? Love the show. Thanks for making me laugh. Victor.

Okay, Victor. That's interesting. So I've had some friends get vasectomies recently. I'm at the age where my buddies are so far along in life, they're done having kids medically. They're like, this is enough. No more. Snip me up, cut me off, literally. I don't want to be at risk anymore. And from what I understand, some of my friends who have gotten vasectomies are awake while it happens. Is it that small of a procedure? It's pretty borderline because some are indeed asleep the entire time. But like, imagine- Or are the ones that are awake, how do they feel? They don't feel anything. It's numb. But like, there's, you know, the sounds of soldering happening, where they're doing small incisions into your balls. Like,

you can't really feel or see it, but you can probably smell and hear it. It's not comfortable, I would assume. Yeah. I mean, it was the worst experience of my life, I think, getting my wisdom teeth out while I was awake. So you'd opt for the full sleeper. Yeah. What do I need to be there for? Yeah, you don't need to be there. Knock me out. I'll get up. I guess there's some risk to slipping into a coma and dying, but that's, you know, fine ultimately, because then you don't feel any pain anymore on the other side. Yeah. Yeah. And then, even if you were kind of awake or half awake or fully asleep, are you manscaping to use the term for the people snipping you up down there just out of

courteousness? Courtesy, I should say. Like, I was gonna say no, but then also I was like, oh yeah, before I go to the dentist, I had like brush and floss. Yeah. I don't think I'm shaving grundle. I wouldn't do more than I usually do, but maybe if it's like I'm someone who trims regularly, I'll give myself a fresh trim. They probably ask you to do some cleanup, right? Unless they're like, yeah, we'll shave you down there if there's anything in the way. They might. And that's the case if they're like, we'll shave you or you can shave yourself. I think maybe I would opt to shave myself rather than have some fucking butcher do it while they're cutting open my nards.

Yeah. I'll handle that pre. Actually, Pulisic got a vasectomy. That's what happened right after his goal. Yeah. The goalie gave it to him. And then from my friends recounting, some of them are like, yeah, it hurt like a low grade, like getting hit in the balls of pain for a week. And then eventually it goes away. But you have to literally like masturbate yourself to the point of getting the rest of your semen out. So like you do have to like sort of almost on doctor's orders, masturbate enough times. Sign me up. I'll get a vasectomy. I'll do it myself. Yeah. No, I mean, it's pretty bloody and painful the first few times. That's what I understand. Yeah. But then after that, clears off, clears away all the remaining sperm in your system and then you're finally good to go.

Right. So if you get a vasectomy, have second thoughts and think you might want a kid or something, you could still theoretically have sex a couple times and it could take. Yeah. Isn't that a story in your family? A delayed vasectomy causing some sort of birth of my brother? Yes. My mother famously said at Micah's bar mitzvah, Micah is the direct result of a delayed vasectomy. Delayed. Delayed. Like let's push it one week for weather reasons and then. Yeah. I think there was, I think it was like a snowstorm or something. Wow. That, you know, and I also imagine that my dad wasn't like super eager to get the vasectomy. So maybe like snowstorm come, cancels it, pushes it to like the next month. Who knows? I don't know.

Yeah. But yeah, Micah was supposed to not be around. Because your family had already had two kids and then triplets. Yeah. So they were like, I think let's close the loop here. It must be rare that triplets are not the last child. Like triplets are so rare and then to be like, all right, and one more. Why? Obviously, why would we do that? People are usually like, whenever I tell people about my family, they are like super surprised at the triplets. You know, that's always like, oh my God, they're triplets. And then like the second one that's even bigger is like, there's another one after? What? Why? Why did they do that? A sixth child is already rare,

let alone after the triplets. I wonder if there's any other family in America that goes girl boy, triplets boy. Like that's got to be an insane thing. Yeah. Interesting family makeup. If you know of any like that hit us up, please, please let us know. Any ideas on how to get over my family? Any ideas on how to get over that preemptively scared as shit. What I like to do during, you know, surgeries or COVID or sickness is like, you know, this is bad, but you're not the first one in the world ever doing this. We're all going through something like this, vasectomies has happened for decades. So it'll hurt, but it's nothing that nobody else has done before. Yeah. If anything, be thankful that you're getting it now instead of like, hell, what are the,

what are the guy getting the first vasectomy feel like? Yeah, it had to have been the first vasectomy, the first latest. The first vasectomy, whatever. It's like, hey, I got a crazy idea. I want to have kids anymore. I need your nuts to try. Yeah. Maybe it was an accidental thing. Like he was soldering his fucking vast difference for fun. And one of the side effects was that he couldn't have kids after. That's interesting. That's very interesting. He was playing with his balls. Would you ever get a vasectomy? I guess I would if I was done having children slash didn't want to have children slash didn't want to risk children at all. Right. But you're still like, you're on the fence about the kid anyway. So you're like,

maybe I'll, I want to leave it on the table. Keep the gates open for just for an accidental purpose. Maybe God will sort of force me into having a child by accident slash happenstance. Yeah, that'll be cool. But yeah, stay tuned. We'll let you know if we ever get vasectomies or otherwise. Yeah, it'd be cool. Okay, let's take another break. Thanks some more, sponsor and answer some more quests on the other side of these messages. Nice. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just

Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's

grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere

and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now, you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So

don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief

questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help.

And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we have returned. Yes. One last question to rule them all. Yeah, let's do it. I'm ready. This one's from an email address that I think is in Norway. A Nordic fan. Yeah. Yahoo.no. Is that Norway? I think so. Yahoo.no. That's funny. Okay, I'll call this lady Mrs. Claus. I'm a 35-year-old woman from- Mrs. Claus is from the North Pole, you fucking idiot. What's that? Mrs. Claus lives in the North Pole, but oh, yeah, sure. We could pretend she lived in Norway. You fucking idiot. Yeah, whatever, man. Who gives a shit? Oh my, you're on the naughty list.

I'm not on any fucking list. Santa Claus is real. Yeah, I bet. I'm a 35-year-old woman from Scandinavia, says Mrs. Claus Christina Kringle herself. I met this guy at a work function, and we really hit it off and spent the whole night sitting by ourselves, gossiping over our coworkers. I really liked him, and I found myself missing him after that night. We have been texting off and on the last couple of weeks, mostly about shared happiness, but also about life in general. It's not really flirty, but shared happiness. Yeah, I also want to ask him out on a date, but here's the thing. He's 25. It feels like a big age gap, and I don't really know how to get over it. My sister is 25, and I always

view her as a baby, so it's hard for me to reconcile being attracted to a 25-year-old man. My brain tells me he's too young. How old is this person? 35. Are these feelings irrational? If so, how do I get over it? How much of an age gap is too big? Thanks in advance. It's tough. I feel like my experience is probably shaded by watching reality TV, where oftentimes the young guys turn out to be fuckboys. Everyone is different. Yeah, some young guys have old souls. That's a big age gap, but it also depends what this guy is looking for. Is he somebody that is normally in long relationships or not? If this person seems to be a serial dator and seems to

be a fuckboy, but they're telling you that they aren't going to be, then I think I wouldn't trust that. But if they seem really nice, normal, cool, I think you give it a chance. I also just think it always comes back to expectations. If you are like, I like this guy. I'll see where it goes with no expectations, then maybe you'll have a nice time. But if you're going into it being like, I want a serious relationship, but I don't know if he's ready, but he should be, so I'm going to give it a shot. Then yeah, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. One, it's kind of weird because it's the younger guy and older girl, so that's a little unorthodox. Usually, it's the other way around for whatever reason. Also, since this lady lives in Norway,

I feel like all bets are off. Who knows what kind of crazy shit goes on over there? The mayor is probably like a pickle, and the dogs are married to fucking houses. The fact that it's a 25-year-old and a 35-year-old is probably the most normal shit that happens in Norway quite frankly. Is your dog Luke married to your house? But he has Norwegian blood in him. That's why we got there. Yeah. And the mayor of the town where you grew up, what kind of vegetable was he? The cabbage. No, it would never be fermented is what I'm saying. Things are a little weirder in Norway as all.

Things are a little different there. I think as long as you're fine with it, the weirdest part, I bet what's making you feel the weirdest is the fact that your baby sister is 25, so you're like, I can't date someone the same age as my baby sister? Yeah. I mean, the difference between me at 25 and 35 is extreme. I was a piece of shit when I was 25. When I was 35, definitely less of a piece of shit. You know, still a mild piece of shit for sure. But 25-year-olds come in all shapes since Jeffrey just turned 25. He's a different 25-year-old than we were. Totally. He's a lot less of a fuckboy than I ever was. So I do think that, one, it's no

expectations, you know, don't project anything on into the relationship. And also, I think you can be fair to yourself and just be like, we're, you're getting so far down the line from like text thread to am I ready to be in a relationship with a 25-year-old? It's like, let's go one thing at a time. You're just flirting with a 25-year-old right now. And that's fine. You can see how it plays out. That's actually hot. Yeah. 25-year-old is the sexiest age you can flirt with at this point. Yeah, because any younger, it's a little off. Right. But a 25-year-old, that's the goat age for a 35-year-old girl to be flirting with. Yeah, 10 years exactly. Actually, that guy should probably come on our show just because imagine a fucking 25-year-old

Norwegian. I assume God, there's not like any, there's no like five foot seven inch nerds in Norway, right? They're all like six, four blonde hair. It's all earling haland. Yeah, just tall, Viking men. Yeah. I guess the nerdiest you can get for a Norwegian is like a scrawny guy with like a long brown ponytail. You know what I mean? Kind of like glasses and a ponytail, and he's really good at doing the Rubik's cube or something like that. Yeah, slender, comb over. Yeah, but he's still kind of strong because he does like taekwondo. You're like, oh, I guess he's more strong, but you're like wiring. Yeah, but he's like still kind of nerdy, ultimately like pretty nerdy. He's just insanely like wiry and strong. He could still put you in

a weird Norwegian headlock or some shit. Right, yeah. He'd go on like a 40-mile hike in Norwegian mountains, but you'd be a stroll to him, but he's not like jacked and hot. He's just kind of like, he's got nerdy stamina. Yeah, he's wearing shorts and fucking sandals, and it's 31 degrees out or something like that. Fahrenheit. Yeah. He always has energy. Yeah, he has big Norwegian nerd energy or BNNE. Yeah, let us know which your guy has. And don't let him know that we said that shit about him because I am kind of low-key afraid he'll beat the shit out of me. That's true. But yeah, good luck out there. Especially if you're an Oslo, I hear it's really expensive. Oh, yeah, we should move there. That'd be cool. Okay, thank you for listening,

everybody. Thank you for writing in. If you have your own questions or your own theme songs, now's the time. Our inbox is cleared and ready to read. It's IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Write on. Stay healthy, please. Get away from us. Stay as healthy as possible. Don't talk to us. And if you want, we're also making videos on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A. every week. We're watching two Jake and Amir videos and commenting on them, watching these videos that we barely remember ourselves, but it's been a fun time. Indeed. Indeed. A holiday gift, too. If there's a Jake and Amir in your life. That's right. So if anybody's asking you what you want for the holidays, let them know. Patreon.com

slash J.A. Shanuka. Okay, that's it. That's our time. We'll be back, of course, next week. The theme song was written by, did we give this guy his due props? Or did we just go straight into it? Secret Chipmunk Man, right. Well, we got to finish the song anyway. Yes. So it was Secret Chipmunk Man. God, we totally did not read any of this stuff. Yep. Right. Yep. Yeah. Happy Thanksgiving. This is my name is Sean Hotley, and I made this song with the help of my friend Drew on drums. If I could promote something. This spring, we're launching my long-term dream project. My long-term dream project, Our Little World, a children's show on

YouTube focusing on helping kids explore their communities, foster their curiosity, and build confidence. But no, I guess we wanted to talk about fucking soccer. You should record an addendum and put it up front or something. That is, that's brutal. We need, that was such a good song too. We need three verses. All right, here's what we'll do. If you made it this far, now it's like, we can always promote at the top by the end. You don't remember. If you made it this far, these people need 100 subscribers to customize their YouTube URL before they post their first episode. So call to action, actually do this. If you're at your computer, go to their YouTube channel on their website, which is ourlittleworld.show. I'll fucking subscribe, okay? I'll give them

that subscription. That's at least one for messing up. I'm sorry. Yeah, man, you should be. Yeah, you are sorry. And if you're listening, please, yeah, subscribe. They only have 35 subscribers right now, so you guys can track their progress. Let's get these guys to 100. Let's do it. And let's listen to that song again. Ready? Here we go. See you next week, everybody. Thank you. There's a man who leads a life of anger. A woodland creature is his doppelganger. If you hear the things he'll say, it'll ruin your whole day.

But the odds are he'll be back again tomorrow. Secret chipmunk man. Secret chipmunk man. He is talking about crypto and E.E.A. Corns from your hand. Beware of free advice from greedy rodents. For a dirty every week, he's always chosen. He has a very shriveled heart and his friendships all fall apart. But the odds are he'll be back again tomorrow. Secret chipmunk man. Secret chipmunk man.

He is talking about crypto and eating acorns from your hand. Secret chipmunk man. Secret chipmunk man. Secret chipmunk man. Secret chipmunk man. He is talking about crypto and eating acorns from your hand. Secret chipmunk man. He is talking about crypto and eating acorns from your hand. Secret chipmunk man.