If I Were You - 57: Confidence

Episode Date: January 30, 2014

In this episode we discuss how to win a fight, how to accept a gift, and how to estimate the size of a penis.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest, best, most affordable way to build your own website: http://bit.ly/17DIXqWSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You, if I were you, I'd send an email to Jake and a man who'll tell you what they would do if they were. Caesar cheese, if you please, make sure you hit YouTube, that shit. Caesar cheese, if you please, make sure you hit YouTube, that shit. Caesar cheese, if you please, make sure you hit YouTube, that shit. That's great. Yeah, that's like a little apple commercial. Caesar cheese, Caesar cheese. Put your pants back on.

Okay, alright, easy does it. You're painting a picture of me that I don't want people to see. I know. My pants are on, and I resent what you're doing. This is assassination of my character, actually. It's assassination, it's defamation, and I'd like to make some reclamation for my character. And I offer everybody an explanation. That was Carla Haynes from Australia.

Oh, damn, she's so far away from me. Is she hot? No, that's not what I care about. You can't just say that and then say that's not what you care about. It's the only thing you care about. No, I meant how far away she was I didn't care about. Oh. You said that's so far away.

Like, okay, is she hot? Oh, I see, I see. I thought you were like, is she hot? Whoa, I can't say that. Oh, no. You thought that I had morals for a second. How wrong you were for an accidental moment. You thought I was a norm.

Sorry, bud. No, when I hear that a woman lives in Australia. I imagine she's a cute little blonde girl. Short hair, right? Yeah, and when she can sing, then I'm like, okay, she's like a girl who everyone's whole entire life told she should be a model. Right. But she's like, oh no, I'm too much of a tomboy.

I never like to put on makeup. I just like to play my little acoustic guitar here. And I'd like to take you camping. Carla, Claudia, Kara, what was it? It doesn't matter what your name is. All I care is you're actually Mrs. Hurwitz. That's what your name is. Carla Haynes, actually.

What's up, baby? You think statistically speaking, on average, more singers are better looking than non-singers? So if you were to take a sample of 100 random people and then 100 random singers, the singers would be on average more attractive. Are you asking me to do science right now? I'm just trying to say. I already did the science. All I want you to do is take 100 people.

And they can sing. Are they more attractive? The singers are hot. That's it. That's that. I don't even understand what you're asking me. Okay. 100 random people in the world.

All right. The number I'm lost. Okay. So you think singers are, on average, hotter than non-singers? Hotter than... People who are musically gifted, you think they're more attractive? Physically, if you separate their musical ability? Yes.

Why do you think that is? I don't know. There's no reason. I just want you to shut up. I just want to talk about something else. So I said yes. Not only of any wiggle room. Yes, I did.

If anything, no, it would have left less wiggle room. I don't know. I haven't really... It seems maybe, I guess. Because if their voice is pretty, then people might think their face should be pretty. This is not fair. I've never thought about this in my whole life. You're putting me on the spot, trying to find out the way I think about something that I've

never had to think about. Ask me next week. I need time. You can't just ask a question and then I'm right or wrong. I don't even... That's the weird thing about asking people questions is so rude. Every date that I go on, I ask the lady to submit 20 to 50 questions faxed over to me so that I have something to say when they ask you.

I seriously do think that when I just... A lot of the times when I talk, I'm saying things with conviction for the first time in my whole life. It's like, oh, yeah, I like hot dogs more than hamburgers for sure. And then like, no, I've never thought about it. I don't know. It seems like it's probably... There's a lot of factors that would come into play.

Yeah, I guess. It was a gray area for sure, always. I don't know is the answer to your question. This is episode 57. I don't know why you're suddenly becoming more self-conscious. Need more information. Indeed. Need more info.

Actually, I can't answer any of these questions today either because I haven't had a week to process that. They're just flying at me. Well, it's... All right, I'm sorry. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. Excuse me? I'm Amir.

Am I a host? You're a sidekick of sorts. I'm Jake. You've been demoted. How is it? How are you ever in a position to demote? You think people get told if they're demoted? Or is that not a thing?

I think you get called into an office like, well, we're giving you a demotion. You are being demoted. I feel like your A depends where you are, but you're like, I think it's like they try to give it a positive spin. You're like, hey, we love what you're doing in this area. And we want you to just do that and not do some of the other stuff you've been doing. We're going to...

It's not taking away some responsibility. We're just going to hand that off to other people, and you're going to focus on just this, okay? And since we love what you're doing so much with that, we're going to pay you less to do just that. Like, oh, I want the... I like my current money. Yeah, but we don't like your current...

Is this a demotion? Whoa, we don't use the D word around here. That said, you're fired. And that is a demotion to unemployment. Huge demotion. So how does it work? This is an advice podcast. So what happens?

People email us at ifirishow at gmail.com. They're in a difficult place. They're in a sticky situation. They don't know what to do. They are at their wit's end. They are clueless. They are stuck. Move on.

Okay. So they describe their problems in an electronic mail to us. We read them, decide which ones to answer, and eventually we do on this here podcast show. I don't know how else to say it. I think you could say it more concisely. I sure do. I sure think you found a lot of ways to say people were stuck.

I think that's true. I thought that was a waste of time. I thought you think you could shave 10 seconds off the... people are stuck in a hard situation, don't know what to do, where to turn, and they're confused, and they've decided to look to us. Us, of all people. Yeah.

But that was not bad. Thank you. Well, it was worse than last week. I wanted to switch it up a little bit, basically. I understand. Yeah. I wanted to keep it fresh, because once people hear the same thing over and over,

they zone out. Yeah. That said, I am the new host. How so? You're the sidekick. Insane. Insane. I'll read the first email.

You want to? Yeah. All right. You read the first email. Give me a name. Well, Super Bowl's coming up, so let's do Richard Sherman. All right. This one comes from Richard Sherman.

Hey, I somehow ended up living together with a random girl from my senior year of college. We live in an apartment, and while we don't share the same room, we do share a bathroom. We got pretty close in the past two months and spent a lot of time together watching movies and TV shows. We're close enough to touch each other,

not sexually, and I feel like we both have developed feelings for each other. However, she has a boyfriend. She goes home on Thursdays every week, leaving me alone until Sunday night or even Monday morning when she returns. Does her desire to go home every week to possibly see her boyfriend

mean she has no feelings for me? Yeah, probably. Richard Sherman. Does her desire to spend most of her waking time with her current boyfriend mean that she doesn't like me? When she leaves me from Thursday to Monday, does that mean she's with her boyfriend?

Yeah, I like how he's like, to probably hang out with her boyfriend? No, that's exactly what she's doing. Keep in mind, we share a bathroom. I don't understand these mixed signals. I mean, on one hand, she goes home to visit him 50% of the time, but on the other hand,

we share a bathroom. Did I mention we don't sexually touch each other? Though we're close enough, too. We're close enough to touch each other, but it's never sexual, and I feel like she's developed feelings for me. Was the big give away when she went home to see her boyfriend

on Thursday? Yeah, that's not a courtesy seeing of the boyfriend because she's going home on Thursday. It's like when you have a significant other, you squeeze as much time as you can. When you go home, it's like the night of work, and then you come back the morning of work. It's like trying to squeeze in as much

a couple of times as possible, and she's doing that every single week, and he's wondering if that means that she's not as into him. Maybe you just never had a girl roommate before, but watching TV and movies with someone doesn't mean that they have feelings for you. That just means that they live with you.

Furthermore, sharing a bathroom with someone doesn't mean that your place has one bathroom. I think that's all that is. Is it a Jack and Jill? It's a Jack and Jill. It's a joining bathroom. They shared a pill and drank some toilet water. Okay, that's enough.

That's a little too much. That was a little blue for me. You also shouldn't try to develop feelings for your roommate. That seems like it's destined to be a bad idea. Well, that seems like it's destined to be dope, but the problem is that she doesn't like you. It's only dope while you guys are hooking up temporarily, and then she brings someone else home,

and then it's just awkward. No, that's great. It's good when she brings someone else home and you have feelings for her. Well, why do you have feelings for her? Because she's bringing someone else home. I don't get it. I don't get feelings.

Is she sexy and she has a pussy? Then that's great. And she fucks somebody else and that's great too. And then I'll fuck somebody else that's sexy and has a pussy. And uh-oh, that girl over there, she's not sexy but she's got a pussy, so I'll fuck her too. I don't know how to feel.

I'm alone always. Always alone. Always alone. Yeah. Give me a beat, man. Oh, why? Yeah. Yo, I'm always alone.

Always alone. Even when my friends are home. Even when you on the phone. I'm still alone. Still alone. Still need that beat, mo. Fuck it, let's do it. Yo, fuck a beat.

Nah, stop the beat. I'll go acapella. Yo, I'm always alone. Bring that beat back. Yo, I'm trying to get this shit. I'm always alone when you drop and don't. Give me the beat. What?

Yeah, give me the beat. Yo, fuck this beat, son. I don't need no beat to tell you what's up. I don't need no beat because we still going fuck but I'm so alone. Give me the beat real quick. I need a beat. I need a beat for the verse, ass.

Yo, fuck a beat, boy. Oh, damn it, I always fall for it. Charlie Brown in the football. I'm like the boy who cried wolf, yo. What was I saying? You don't. This girl doesn't like you. And you can tell by the rate at which she goes home

and leaves you for somebody else. I can tell what you're creating in your mind but maybe, maybe, maybe we're wrong and there is something. But if there is, you don't want to be in a situation with your roommate where she's breaking up with her boyfriend for you. It's very different if you're both single living together and you like drink some wine one night, you hook up.

That's kind of fun. That's funny. You guys can laugh about it and say, this is nothing. It meant nothing. But if she's like slowly developing a crush on you, you convince her to cheat on her boyfriend or break up with her boyfriend.

It's going to have way too much weight when you guys have sex. Because then she's going to be like, well, I just broke up with my boyfriend for you. And now what? No, you don't want that. Don't want that, boss. You don't want that pressure. You don't want that on your mind.

Yup. So, what's his plan? Do nothing? Stop. Don't do nothing. Don't do nothing. Keep watching movies, keep watching TV, share the bathroom, touch each other non-sexually.

The end. I think if she really liked him, she wouldn't go home every single weekend. Definitely not from Thursday. Yeah, that's cutting it close. Yeah. It's cutting it real close. That means she's only with you on, like,

Monday afternoon, Tuesday and Wednesday, and then she leaves. And then she wants out. But that two and a half days, you guys have serious feelings for each other. I mean, we share a bathroom for Christ's sakes. Christ's sakes. Oh, yeah, Christ.

Yeah, Jesus. All right, should we go on to the next question? On to the next, on to the next. We need another football superbowl player. Peyton Manning writes, Oh, no. A little short guy, a short older guy. I think he knew fucking Jiu Jitsu or some shit.

I think he cheated. This karate motherfucker. This 40-year-old four-foot tour just took me to town. This odd job. I felt his low blows and his low center of gravity. I felt shame as I looked for my shoe. That's why he beat me so hard. I lost a single shoe.

Oh, no. Why? It's sad that the guy tried to pick a fight with him and then won. That's like not how karma is supposed to work. Yeah, you don't pick a fight with someone and then they like, you know what? Bring it and then you still beat the shit out of him. Oh, no.

I mean, I would lose fights to older. I would lose a fight to a 30-X-year-old short dude. Well, yeah. I mean, it depends if they know how to fight. You know how to throw a punch. They can still be stronger than you, even if they're older and shorter. Yeah.

So that's a way to justify it so that your confidence isn't that low. For sure. Yeah. This dude, he's older, which means he's had more experience fighting. Yeah, but he also means he's closer to death, so you can rest on that fact. And he's shorter, which means it's hard for him to lose his balance. Yeah, but he's shorter and he would choose your height

over his any day of the week, probably, right? Well, that's true. But I mean, just from a strictly fighting standpoint. Yeah, he's got a better center of gravity. Most of the time, somebody trying to pick fights is somebody that wants to show off that they can fight. You know, this guy's like a short old dude. He needs to feel good about something,

so he's going to try to knock out a taller, stronger dude. Yeah, it's like the Napoleon complex. The shorter you are, the more you want to show off and be strong. Yeah, and I've talked about this on the podcast before, but what you've got to do, man, is just fight dirty. That's what's up. You need to be kicking kneecaps. You need to be biting ears.

You don't lose the fight. You don't have to lose. Hit him with something. Take out your phone, hold it in your hand, and just with the hard corner of your phone, you can hit him in the jar, the temple, or the top of the head. The side of the eye. Yeah, what you've got to do is just not lose the fight.

Yeah, scratch. A lot of times, scratching throws people off just because it hurts a lot. Scratching, biting, screaming. Scream. Let out a blood-curdling scream as soon as he starts hitting you. Then what does that do? Just kind of pierces his ears, hurt his ear drums. He has to cover his ears, and all of a sudden,

then you're biting his neck like a vampire. Holy shit. Like fucking Dracula. You're describing the weirdest fight. Yeah, well, I'm describing a fight that I didn't lose. Yeah, so a guy hit you, you yes, as you can. Have you ever been in a fight? No.

Have you? Well, I get into shouting and pushing matches, but fairly often, I would say, actually. Yeah, there were those kids at Yale that I was yelling at. Yeah, yeah. There was a guy in Iceland that I got into a pushing match with. There was the guy that Dave Rosenberg fought. Yeah, that wasn't really you, but yeah.

I pushed somebody then, too. Yeah. Just like it's a lot of pushing. Throwing a punch is a big thing to do. Yeah. Like I'll push, but throwing a punch is like shit's getting real. You have to be a little crazy to do that. Yeah, I think that it's like, well, it's one thing to be like,

I'm not going to back down. Nobody wants to back down, but also nobody wants to actually like get into a fist fight. It's never an option for me to punch. I think the best thing to do is to like, neither person backs down, nobody loses their ground, and somebody else breaks it up. It's up to someone else to diffuse the situation.

Right. Like, hey, look, both your dicks are big. Move away. Both, you guys both have huge dicks. Yeah. And then you just, you're breathing heavily through your nose. Or Dave Rosenberg just comes in and chokeslames somebody. You know what?

We thought about getting a bodyguard, sir. One time in college, I had punched in the head and like thrown down a set of stairs. Jesus, by who? I was in a frat with my buddy Rusty. Well, you weren't it. You weren't. We were like visiting a frat house. Yeah.

And Rusty or me. Rusty is his real name. It's like Russell. I guess maybe it's, oh, it's probably Russell. But maybe it's Rusty. I don't know. I only ever knew him as Rusty. Cool name.

Very cool name. Cool dude. And I think it was him, but it might have been me, but I'm pretty positive it was him. He, we're playing beer pong and he put the beer pong ball down in like the front of his pants before we shot. And it was against brothers in the frat. So like we shot it. I don't even think it went in, but like these two other guys, more like these other brothers

came over and they're like, yo, we saw what you did. You had to leave. And then as we're leaving, we're like getting walked out and they have like, don't make me fucking touch your dick, dude. Yo, if I were out, you're done. Can you imagine if nobody saw that, you threw the ball that touched your dick and it landed in the fucking beer and I drank it and I was like gay for a night. Anyway, hey, get that ball out of the corner.

Yeah, that dusty corner over there. That's fine. I'll lick the fucking floor of why I touch a guy's dick. And we were getting let out of the fraternity and you know, they have like those big, I think they like charter pictures, those big, big photos. Yeah, you have all the members. Yeah. So I like grabbed it and I ripped it down on the wall.

Run, dude, run, Rusty. The guy like had his hand on my arm and I did it. Take that class of 2002. And he pushed me and then somebody else punched the back of my head. Don't you ever disrespect the brotherhood. And then later, yeah, later that night we went back and pissed on their doormat. Like an abused dog. And now I'm going to wake up and say gap or beta or whatever fret that this was.

I'm glad that I don't remember. Dude, now that you're a fucking college humor celeb, they would think it's an honor to have jam on which to urinate on our mat. Sure. The man who co-wrote broke me in Rhapsody. My only regret is that it wasn't my face you pissed on, sir. So getting in a fight, I think if honestly, I'll say if anything, you're in an advantage now that you did lose a fight because so many people are afraid to get in fights

because they don't want to get hit in the face. And now you've been hit in the face. You know what happens when you get your ass kicked. It's almost more respectable to me to lose a fight because it's like, wow, somebody beat the shit out of you. You didn't back down. You got your ass kicked. And now like this character builder, totally.

If you want to fight, I'd be like, oh, you're kind of an asshole. You beat somebody up. Right now. But now you've got courage. You're not like, don't back down from another fight. You got your ass kicked. You dusted yourself off. You found your shoe and you had the wherewithal to email these two

Jewish guys with a podcast. And we're going to tell you that you're a hero for what you did. How's that for confidence? Jayden Curwitz himself is spitting your game. My friend. The very man who got kicked out of Beta Chi is making you feel very high. That's right. Keep your head up.

Chin up, Peyton Manning. And you're going to win the Super Bowl on Sunday. Or you're going to lose to Russell Wilson. Chill with that. Go Seahawks. Haterade. Go Seahawks. Haterade.

Go Seahawks, huh? Go the Seahawks, huh? Speaking of, let's go from short guys to tall guys. We got a female who's got a question about her tall boyfriend. Okay. So let's give this lady a female football player's name. Aaron Andrews. Aaron Andrews writes,

Recently I've been seeing this guy who is perfect, cute, smart, funny. Everything. He's the first guy I've really started to fall for and get this. He's six foot eight. I'm just worried that all of him might be proportional to his height. I'm not a tiny person. I'm five foot six, but I'm just nervous because at 20 years old, I've had no sexual experience to speak of.

I wasn't too worried until my best friend told me to be careful because when he pulls his dick out of his Levi's, it might be so huge that it springs out, hits me in the face and gives me a black eye. I know that probably won't happen, but it did nothing to ease my nerves. Help. I have no clue what to do.

Love Aaron Andrews. Oh snap. Oh, damn. Oh my goodness. I know that probably won't happen. Right. But it's a possibility. Yeah.

Isn't there a possibility that his dick is so big? When I remove his dungarees, it'll come out like a mushroom tipped slingshot. Like a booby trap, a peony trap. Like a mouse trap just smacking down on my face. That's how tightly wound his dick is in his pants that when you zip it open, it snaps like a mouse trap. Oh, pop, pop. Oh my eye.

Okay. Ato. She says he's perfect, but unfortunately, sweetheart, you're dating an ogre. What's perfect about being fucking lurch? Yeah, he's actually perfect in every way except he's Mr. Reach, okay? So don't say he's perfect when he's an oversized baboon.

Jesus. I'm sorry. He's LeBron James' height. That's a physical specimen. Oh. What would you say is the perfect height if you could choose any height? Six foot three. I was going to say six three.

Very nice. Because it's tall, but it's not too tall. Yeah. It's like handsomely tall. Very handsome. Six two, six three is perfect height. Yeah. You know who's six four is Peyton Manning.

Is he? Yeah. Six four, wow. You know what Russell Wilson's height is? Five eleven. Yeah, five eleven. That's a short dude. Just another reason the Broncas are probably going to win.

Well, yeah, but it's a little more about defense, don't you think? Yeah, maybe. Anyway, what should this girlfriend do about her boyfriend's large dick? Oh, yeah. You know what? Take it like a champion. I did some... Jesus.

Sorry. I did some research, actually. I actually, for the first time in the podcast history, did a little bit of a... What's another word for research? Preparation? Yeah. I looked up to see if there is a correlation between penile size and any other part of your body.

And there is no statistical correlation between penis size and foot size, body size, arm size. You sure you did this research for the podcast, pal? Or you were just real nervous that you had size six and a half feet? Women's. I'm a women's four on one foot and a men's 12 on the other. I'm a men's eight and a toddler's two and a half. Also, my hands are so small when I grip a cherry. It looks like I'm holding an apple.

Yeah, so I can punch a thimble. Is that normal? My fist fits in a thimble. I can put both of my fists in my mouth. This is actually not even a science experiment that I researched. It's something that I conducted myself. I actually, yeah, I measured 100 penis. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, and then I measured the people's feet and their height. I just don't understand that at all, actually. If a big person, everything's bigger on him. How is the penis not bigger? Well, think of it as a muscle instead of a bone. Okay. Like, he doesn't necessarily have a bigger heart or a bigger brain. Right.

Well, yes, if his head is bigger, if his chest is bigger, wouldn't his heart be bigger? No. It wouldn't. It's not? I don't think so, no. I think every human's brain. But like, he's taller, his hands are longer. Yeah.

His nose is bigger. Right. But those are all bones. Okay. His butt cheeks are bigger. He's got a larger butt cheek. A bigger buttocks cheeks. And you think he doesn't have bigger dick?

I don't know. I guess not. But it is seemingly hard to believe that my dick is bigger than Shaq's. Because it's not? Well, you don't know. Maybe it is. Oh, you're, this is, my dick's bigger than Shaq's too. I'm just saying, there might not be a correlation between height and dick size.

Okay. Fine. And those who use five foot five might not necessarily have a bigger penis than someone who's six foot eight. So you might be prematurely scared. Okay. Yeah. So there's no, there's no way of knowing what the actual size of his penis is.

Until you actually see it. I would, this, more than anything, I want to follow up pup from this chick. I want to, I want to hear about how big his dick is. I genuinely do. I also think you can, the vagina will stretch, you can ease into it. Just like do a lot of foreplay to get you wet and you use a lot of lube and just don't let him go from like zero to full thrust, you know? Yeah.

Just work it in. It's going to be fine. It's a team, it's a team effort at that point. Yeah. And if he can't get his dick like deep enough in you to come, then you just have to like pull it out and you guys can jerk off. And that's going to, that's how it's going to happen. Oh, so you're worried that his penis might be too small now?

No. I'm saying if it's, if it's too big and it can't get in her. All the way. Yeah. And it like, and it's not creating enough friction and does not make, is not able to get off. Also, another thing that I read while I was doing my penile Wikipedia research is that width is more important than length in terms of getting a girl off. I've heard that too.

So whether or not it's long or not, not necessarily mean it's better or worse for you. What really is important is how wide a penis is. I feel like I've also heard like it feels good to get deep too. Mm-hmm. I guess it's a combination of both. Yeah. I mean, fat and long is probably great. The best.

You don't want to have like a tuna can dick. Yeah. Just like a really short stout little tuna can. You want two little, two coke cans. Two little treetop apple juices with a capri sun on top. Yep. There you go. Worst dick I've ever heard.

Three. Two apple juices with a capri sun. That's the ideal penis. Four marshmallows, jumbo and a Hershey kiss on top. Ew. What the fuck? That's way too tiny of a head. A pointy of your dick is like a sword.

Not a chocolate chip or Hershey kiss. I heard you. You're thinking of a chocolate chip. A Hershey kiss. Sir. It's still tiny. All right. Seven mini marshmallows and a peanut butter M&M sliced in half.

Oh my God. I want it in my mouth. How is this okay? A bundle of four number two pencils. Sharp into a tip with a chocolate chip on each one. A snow cap on top. Perfect. All right.

So don't get too scared just yet. Not yet. Wait till you see the D and then you can get frightened. And sister, trust me, there's worse things than a big dick in you. For instance, a tiny one. Trust me. Trust me. My dick looks like sea glass.

What's that? It looks like sea glass. Like a sea glass. It's misshapen. It is hard and it is not the right color and it is small. It is small. It is shiny. It looks like somebody found it on the beach and wanted to cast it away.

My dick looks like sea glass. Yeah, like an arrowhead. Yeah, it looks like an arrowhead. Yeah, like an old arrowhead. Okay. That's enough. It's break time. Break it.

Let's go. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace super quickly, super quickly. Our show is tonight. Technically, if you're listening to this on Thursday, January 30th, holy, so if you're listening to this and you're feeling adventurous, come on down to the UCB theater at 7pm. There should be a standby line that lets enough people in for you to enjoy the show. Do it, do it, do it, do it.

And if you live in Nashville and Charlotte, we're going to be down February 17th and 18th and in Syracuse University on February 19th. That's it. That's all we're going to say. More information on our website and now I'm done. We're done. You can look it up. We're going to be at Zany's in Nashville, but that's it.

I don't want to like inundate these people with so much information. That's smart. February 18th, boom, done. That's 8pm. That's done. Forget it. You can get your tickets online. We're done.

We're done talking about it. Time. Syracuse University, obviously, tickets are still available for that. I'm not really sure how to do it, so we're not even going to spend, waste any of your precious moments talking about it. We don't know how to get the tickets yet. We don't know where they are. So it's a waste of, it's a waste of airways.

Ask your school. Find out. And let us know. Please, because we actually don't know how to get there. How are you feeling? I feel good. You're not tired? No.

You're well rested? I've been sleeping. I've been chilling. I've been climbing. How would you compare your first two weeks in LA versus any random two weeks in New York? It's insane how healthy and well rested I feel. I feel sound of body and mind in just two weeks. Yeah.

I mean, honestly, in like two days, I totally. You detoxed. I really did. And the cool thing is that I'm like not missing, um, raging very much. I'm just, I'm like so amped on what I'm doing right now. Right. So why is it just because it's the weather? I don't know.

I think it's a, it's a combination of just like, I knew what I like. I know I liked this always, but just in New York, there's like. Too many options to have fun and be unhealthy. Yeah. I've got too many, um, too many temptations there. And here I don't have any or the temptations that I do feel are like are actually healthy temptations like seeing my brother or going to the gym, being outside and going on a hike. Right.

It's, yeah, it's good. I don't know. I like it. It's good of myself. I'm happy. How do you feel out here? I am. It is a little weird to go out and still be responsible to drive your car home.

Yeah. That's, that takes some getting used to. That's true. Uh, so what I've been doing is getting so obliterated that I don't know the difference between right and wrong. Yeah. That way I don't have like that thing in me that's like, oh, maybe I shouldn't. So shit-faced gone.

But the good thing is that you're so fucked up that you can't even start your car. So you haven't driven yet. Yeah. You've fallen asleep in the passenger seat twice, once on the hood. One time I actually woke up, uh, with my flaccid dick in the exhaust, I guess, I mean, I can only fucking start to speculate that I tried to fuck my car to start it. You woke up on a Maserati. I woke up on a Maserati.

And it was, yeah, it was 845 AM by the time I realized, uh, what was what? Insane. Cars were honking at me because this is like the middle of the 405. The other crazy thing is that you took two shots of vodka and that like really did it for you. You actually puked the second one up. So I'm not sure you even had any in your system. The first one was just soda water.

Yeah. So this is your chaser. You took it. You said, holy fuck, I'm gone. Then you took the shot, immediately vomited and ran out. And you ran to your car. Somebody said, what are you going to do? And you said, you'll see, I'm going to fuck my car.

You pulled out your dick. You prematurely came. So in a way, you didn't even get to fuck your car though. You apparently really wanted to. Because we followed the trail of semen. It was a lot, by the way. It was like two inches thick for about a quarter mile. It didn't even let up.

And it led right to the exhaust. The little snail trail. No. I mean, it's fun. It's fun. We have fun. It's good to be here. We have good fun out here.

We have good. Yeah. And we're going to actually move out of my parents' house soon. So that's going to be a whole other set of nonsense we can get into. Yeah. I really hope I can keep up my healthy lifestyle when we're not living with your parents. Yeah. I really hope my mom will still do my laundry.

I really hope your mom will still cook for me. I really do. But last time you were complaining about her cooking, saying it's the same thing. Yeah. And since I've said something to her, she really resented it. But then ultimately she stepped up her game. So I guess you could argue that what I did was actually a good thing. Heroic, you know what?

I think I'm a hero. All right. Last question. Let's do it. We need another lady in the football world to call this. These are really emails from real people. I don't know if we mentioned that. But these are fake names we're giving them to preserve their anonymity.

So we're going to call this lady Steven Ghostkowski. No, that's bad. He's not even playing. And it's a male name. Pam Oliver, sideline reporter, writes, Hi, my name is Pam Oliver. And for my birthday, my boyfriend got me this pair of super expensive shoes. And I felt guilty accepting them because I would never spend that much money on him for his birthday.

And he said he couldn't take them back. The problem is now I feel indebted to him because of this gift. Like I need to pay him back in lots of blowjobs and kinky sex shit. The shoes are super cute, but not cute enough for me to feel fine with our relationship, feeling so off balance and me feeling like a hooker. I don't know if this is what he was expecting, but I definitely don't have the money to give him an equally expensive gift. Help.

Oh, Pam. Pam. Pam is creating her writing her own present, past and future. Pam's going ham. She's going ham. Um, geez. Is there a possibility, albeit small, that he gave you this gift not expecting you to be a sex slave to him?

Is that maybe, I think my advice is for him to break up with you. Oh my God. Yeah. You're right for her. You've, you've taken this more than the wrong way. You only looked at it through a negative light. Now you're mad at him. You're like, and all your borderline is insulting the shoes.

So they're expensive shoes and you said they're cute, but not cute enough to. This is actually, I, this is actually how it went down. So you're, you'd be the guy and I'll be Pam. All right. Hey, um, baby, I'm, I care about you a lot. I got you, I got you this, this gift. What are you talking about? I just thought you would really like these shoes and I got these for you.

Yeah, I do really like them. Let me guess. You want me to wear them? Excuse me. Walla, walla, walla, walla, walla. Swallow your load for the next year and a half. Excuse me. Yeah.

Excuse you. I want you to. Absolutely. Excuse you. You want me to what? Blow me bitch. Oh my God. It's true.

Blow me Pam. She was right. Pam as a motherfucker. She was absolutely right the whole time. Um, going ham. You've created a, you've created a narrative, a false narrative it seems. Sometimes people give gifts, not expecting a perverse sex acts for years at a time in return.

Yeah. If he's your boyfriend, you should want to blow him. So that's a problem. I don't know why you're even in the relationship because you don't like his gifts or his dick. Sometimes he'll give me a gift and I just have to bite the bullet and kiss him on the mouth. I think you need to just, he's probably just wants you to know that you, that he cares about you, which, uh, apparently it backfired because you doubt that he cares about you

so much that he wants you to be, uh, sexually indebted to him. With kinky shit. Not with regular shit. Yeah. With kinky shit that he's never asked for. But now that I've got these shoes, I'm sure he wants like butt plugs and whips and shit. What she's not saying is that these shoes are like 12 inch leather, stiletto, assless, chat boot, hybrid combos.

I think yeah, you should just, just accept the shoes grace graciously. You don't have to get him an expensive gift or blow him a lot. Maybe just act appreciative and, uh, get him something thoughtful, even if you can't get something expensive because thought goes a long way. And, uh, failing that, uh, maybe you could just blow him every, uh, other hour for a year and a half. Yeah. How much, I wonder how much value she's putting on each blow job that she thinks the one day

she'll be even. Right. Well, I think about it like a hooker. That's like, I think it's like 50 to 100 bucks per blow job. Yeah. At least shoes can't be that expensive. I mean, if she really thinks she's going to be a hooker for this. I feel bad telling her to blow up her shoes.

Uh, just, just get a different attitude. I don't think it has anything to do with blow jobs. But hey, if you find out it does, then you should break up with him because that sucks. Yeah. How dare he? Now we're, we're like buying into her a false reality. I don't think that's what he was going for. Yeah.

How dare you? How dare us? How dare everyone? How dare we presume? We make a press out of you and me. Uh, yeah. That's it. That's it.

What can I say? We had a good run. Episode 57 in the books, more than in the books actually. It's over. It's in the books and off the books. On the record, off the books. Uh, we said that the first theme song is written by Carla Haynes, right? Mm-hmm.

All right. Well, this last one is written by a guy named Pete Bradford. If you guys are so musically talented that you can create your own theme song to our show, we'll, uh, begin or close our episode with it. And you can send those over to the same email address that you can send your questions over to, which is, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Um, happy January. It's been, uh, it's been a wild, wild ride to think that this year is...

We're out of time, bud. Is it? Okay. Never mind. I will talk to you guys later. Clang. There we go. It's been a wild ride.

Thank you so much. Wow. Life is... It moves very fast sometimes. That's all I gotta say. Thank you. Bye. It's just that holy crap.

January. Stop it. Bye. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. To get the best deal possible, Jesus, I'm so sorry you guys, have a good day.