If I Were You - 57: Let’s Get Personal

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

In this episode we get invasive, we get up to date, and we add a new spin on an old classic.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere, stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. At Participating McDonald's for a limited time. Jake and Amir are two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010 they were big on the internet and all things considered their success is more than fair get that out of here

one more effort get that out of here positive motivations they swear second another podcast second each app different from the last. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows.

Meet your two emphatic hosts. Let's get this party started. What? Oh, come on. Don't. My car won't start. Oh, okay. I thought you were taking shit that I said personally, but I'm glad it's. Oh, no, I don't care about you.

Yeah. All right. Good. I'm glad something bad is happening to you outside of this then. Sell me this pen. I could sell you a ham sandwich in the room. In the room. If you guys are watching on our YouTube channel, you can find the link to the video on the of this then. Sell me this pen. I could sell you a ham sandwich in the room.

In the room. If you guys are watching on our YouTube, I'm holding a Sharpie and I was sort of playing with it. He was trying to make a meal of it during the song, during the intro, stealing the limelight. No, not really. And I was in the middle of a pretty impressive air drum solo

and you're just kind of like snaking a sharpie across the screen. Well, I'm giving people multiple options. They can watch the air drum solo or they can watch the main. You're detracting from the main event. There's an opener and then there's a closer. The opener doesn't play during the main act.

So next time- And you thought the main act was you doing air drums. Was me doing air drums, yes. Okay. Next time during the theme music, you just stay out of my fucking way. All right? Let's have a good show today.

This is all being recorded by the way. You're not giving me like a backstage. I think, yeah, everybody is agreeing with me. The comments are sounding off and they're all saying that the Sharpie was too much. You made a meal of it. Too soon. It was way too soon.

Maybe one little move across the screen, but you didn't stop. To flaunt it like that. You took it way too far. It was tacky. It was sharpie. It was very sharpie indeed. It was too sharpie. That's what people are saying.

Too sharpies. I actually have, so I have a segment that I'd love to jump right into. Okay, great. Well, this is segments, a segment podcast. So we need a segment. So it's good that you came up with one. Okay.

Well, I've got 23 questions for you. And I'm calling this Q and A hole, because these are rude, personal, invasive questions that you do have to answer. Number one, how much money do you make? And why isn't it more? Yeah, obviously I can't answer that. Why you- Like how much money I make.

Why can't you answer it? You don't want to answer it. Because it sort of, it paints a picture of me that I don't want out there. Right. Like whether it's too much or too little, people will be annoyed. Do you think if you said the amount of money

that you're earning a year, people will be like, damn, that's more than he's worth or that's less than he's worth? Oh, it's actually not that offensive. It's not like half a million dollars and it's not like $25,000. So like, I don't think people would be that annoyed by it. But at the same time, I don't wanna answer.

Right, well, why isn't it more? Why isn't it more? Because we reinvest our podcast ad money into HeadGum. So I'm sort of growing the nest egg that is this company rather than taking the profits, which is hurting the business. So I'm really, really selfless as the business owner.

So your worth exceeds your earnings is what you're saying. Yes, but you know at the same time, I'm trying to help grow this business. So I think that's also an important thing for long-term planning. I don't need more money right now. I'm hoping to create and foster a business that grows beyond me well, well after I'm gone. Number two. 100 years from now,

I want Headgum to be synonymous with Nike, with Reebok, with Bila. Thank you, asked and answered. Asked and answered. We're moving on to number two. Why does your wife put up with you? She doesn't put up with me. She likes hanging out with me. She has fun being together.

And she doesn't mind that you're reinvesting all of your money in the company and that you don't buy her nice things, that you don't treat her well. No, I still buy her nice things. It doesn't mean that I don't have any money. What's the last nice thing that you bought her? I'm giving all the money back to headgum.

What's the last nice thing that you bought her? I got her an almond chagachino, not one hour ago. I went to a coffee shop and while she slept, I got her a cappuccino with mushroom powder. Those are small gestures, they're nice, but they're not grand gestures. For her birthday, I got her a television, the high sense, canvas TV and wallpaper because she wanted to redo

that part of the house. And I was able to buy both behind her back and we installed it together. We had an amazing experience. Plus we were able to do a home rental. You wouldn't even hire a task rabbit to do the wallpaper. I didn't want to hire a task rabbit because she wanted to do it herself. She wanted to do it wallpaper. I didn't want to hire a task rabbit because she wanted to do it herself.

She wanted to do it together. Okay. Yes. Why do you think that you've stopped investing in your appearance and wellness? I don't know that I have, though I do spend less money on fashion because I'm at the age of maximizing comfort

over trying to look like the coolest person in Silver Lake. Do you buy new clothes? So I don't need a tight fade and I don't need skinny jeans. Skinny jeans aren't it? I just need soft shorts, a baggy sweatshirt and enough hair product to look fine at the end of the day. Why don't you shop at a place like Farity that kind of has like-

I don't know what that is. Cause they're, it's like a J. J crew except their clothes are a little more comfortable. It's surfer casual They're not perfectly on trend, but they're not far from it and they're comfortable or a marine. I'm not against it I just don't think of it So like I have three to five sweatshirts and that feels like more than enough and until they get destroyed I don't need to spend money upgrading. Excuse me, how many people have you slept with and why? In the last year, just one.

No, in the last lifetime. What's your body count? Yeah, and why? Again, not so high that people would be offended or too low that people would make fun of me. It's just right. It's just right. I assure you, it's the Goldilocks of counts.

It's 22. I don't know about you, but body count is 22. Why don't you have kids? It seems like a really, really big decision. And unless you're like 100% gung ho about doing it and upending your life, you punt the decision down the road to the point where maybe you're not even gonna have kids anymore.

I see my friends with kids and I do have fun with those children. Leaving them gives me such a sense of relief that allowing one into my home feels a little bit overwhelming right now. And do you think your friends that have had kids, do you think they made a mistake? Not all of them, for sure not all of them. But some of them?

I mean, you'd have to ask them, that's a personal decision, and the idea of making it such a concrete black and white mistake, I mean, that's a subjective term, is it a mistake? What's the most embarrassing thing about your body? What's something on your thing about your body? What's something on your bod that you would like to hide

from others that you feel shame of? I get zits on my ass. Wow. So my ass is not like a nice clean butt. It's sort of a hairy, zitty, heinie. Do you get the zit on where the cheek meets the thigh? Kind of like in between? It's where of a hairy zitty hiney. Fortunately I'm able to hide it. Do you get the zit on where the cheek meets the thigh? Kind of like in between? It's where the rubber meets the road, baby.

Do you get them in the crack? I have anal acne. And do you pop those zits? Or do you have Avi Tall pop the zits? I don't have Avi Tall pop them. I get to pop them because, unlike your face where you're trying to be discreet, ooh, I hope nobody can seize this.

Maybe this is under the beard. With the butt zit, you can go ham. You can try because even if you fail, it doesn't matter. It's just your butt. Who's seen that butt? Yeah, right, exactly. Do you have a anal zit now? Uh, I'm sure I do, but I don't know if I can feel it out.

I'll let you know tomorrow after I take a shower. Why did your last relationship end? Whose fault was it? Nobody's fault. Nobody's fault. At the end of the day, relationships end because there's a compatibility issue. You're either in it for the long haul or you're not.

And for a variety of reasons, we were not. I don't wanna blame her or me, but it just wasn't a perfect fit. And we would both agree to that. And who said it's time to call it? Who said let's have this conversation? That? I don't freaking remember anymore.

I'm sure it was a gradual parting of ways, like not giving your all into the relationship. And then whoever was the one who finally put their foot down and said, this is obviously not working, or let's end it, is not like, the other person wasn't blindsided. When was the last time you cried? And do you wish you didn't?

No, if anything, I wish I cried more. It seems very cathartic and emotionally like, you know, therapeutic to cry, to let out that emotion. But probably when my dog was having seizures and we thought we were losing him. Fortunately, he's survived and thrived since then. So my tears were premature, but I was filled. We were in Europe while this was happening.

So I felt very helpless and sad about it. That was the last time I cried. Do you think it was the stress or the helplessness or were you just scared or was it all of it? Was it being far away? I was sad to think about the reality in which we were in Europe and then the dog would pass away at a vet without us there. And we're like, oh no, he's probably like,

we were trying to put ourselves in his mind, even though he's probably very confused and drugged out anyway, but we didn't want him to like, we're trying to put ourselves in his mind, even though he's probably very confused and drugged out anyway, but we didn't want him to like, you know, we spent his entire life with him, Abhital has at least, and for him to go while we're just 10,000 miles away, felt very sad at the time. And are these tears like, I'm wiping them away? Or these like head in the horns, like catching your breath? Both, like when it was just, when we were getting the news that things were looking dire and it was just me and Avital alone,

we were able to ball a little more. It was like full sobbing. When it was in public and we were getting updates and like things were looking tense, but fine, we were able to, we were like, you know, trying to like smile through it. Like we didn't want to like ball at a coffee shop, but like some tears would escape.

So you're out there in Trafalgar Square, taking a picture of a statue, but you're kind of crying. Exactly, at a play at the theater district. Do you ever go out of your way to look at an ex's social media? Not just scrolling through, but typing into a search, or clicking through a story and scrolling down.

No, I don't follow the exes on social. Actually, one of them I do. But most of them, I don't know, I guess I felt that unfollowing, and now it's been so long that it might be weird. And she doesn't post very much, so it doesn't really matter. But I don't, I never go out of my way to look for it now. What about a casual fling?

Yeah, same. If it was casual, we never followed each other. And if it was more than that, then we've probably unfollowed each other since then. Why do you think you still live in your house? Oh, I hate moving. So when I purchased a home, like now almost 10 years ago, I was like content to not have to deal with that,

like nomadic lifestyle. I get very comfortable. And if it's a comfortable place and it's big enough for two people and a dog, then I'm like, I don't need to go anywhere. You think you could afford a better house? Not right now, because interest rates are really high. I can hardly afford my house as it is, you know.

Have you thought about taking out a home equity line of credit refinancing? Yeah, I don't wanna pay more debt. I don't need to like, just to get an extra room that I don't necessarily. What is your debt to asset ratio? What does your debt look like? Are you in debt?

Are you solvent? I guess it depends on how you define debt because I still owe money on the house. Of course, that's a mortgage payment. So if you consider that debt, then yeah, I still have debt that I'm paying off monthly. But I would say I have more money than debt. Good.

What's something that you dislike about your family? By the way, we're not close to done. How many questions has there been? I don't know. I don't know. You said 23 and mean, didn't you? Yeah, I think there's 23 and mean. Yeah, like a Q and A hole or something.

Q and A hole, that's right. Something you dislike about your family. Least favorite thing, we're very like last minute with planning, so it's like, what are we doing on Wednesday when everybody's here? I don't know, we'll figure it out. I'm like, okay, because now I have to sort of be on call and like, I don't wanna feel like I'm abandoning you guys

because at the last minute you're like, we're going to Santa Monica for brunch. I'm like, okay, well, I wish I would have known that yesterday, I wouldn't have stayed up so late. So I feel like we're a very last minute family and the expectations are when we're all together, you're available. Aside from popping the zits on your ass,

yes, take another sip of coffee. Aside from popping the zits on your ass, what is a gross habit that you wished others wouldn't know about you? Oh, I pick my nose. I do that too. I do that too. Pick my nose, I snore, I breathe with my mouth open often.

Mouth breathing. I don't chew with my mouth closed very well. It's a lot of it is facial breathing situation. I'm a very messy eater. Right. I fart if that counts. Sure, sure. Yeah.

I leave parties pretty quickly and abruptly. Like when I'm mentally overt, I'm just out. I don't need to say goodbye. You'll just walk away. You are I. I don't suffer fools. That's good. Actually that reminds me of another question. Do you think you're smarter than everyone you know? You are I That's a good question. I think I'm smarter than you, but you're better at, I guess I'm more book smart and you're more street smart. I think I agree.

Like I was a better student than you. Yeah. What's the worst thing you've said about someone behind their back? I called you a dumb ass to your face. So that doesn't count. Yeah, I think during your best man speech at my wedding. Yeah.

But that was in front of you. I try not to speak ill of people behind their back. You really don't. Oh, you noticed that about me? Yeah, I noticed, because sometimes I'll want to talk shit and vent. And I find it frustrating when you won't meet my level of shit talking.

Hmm, interesting. Yeah, I'm trying to think about the last time. Honestly, don't remember. Yeah, you really don't do it. I'm sure we do though. Maybe without any talk. I don't just speak about ourselves 24 seven. Oh, you want me to say something

about someone behind their back? No, I just, I'm curious if you do. If you don't, that's fine. I'm sure I do, but I try not to. Do you ever wish that you were more attractive? Sure. Like there's like little improvements or like aging things that I noticed like bags under my eyes

that I wish weren't as prominent as they were like 10 years ago. But overall I'm more than comfortable with how I've aged. I feel like I look better now than I did 20 years ago, which is hard to say as a 41 year old. You look better now, that's kind of interesting. Cause I guess when you were 20, you were kind of doughy and greasy.

Yeah, and I looked really young and I didn't really have a beard. I didn't just look like an adult yet. So I sort of felt like a half-formed teenager. Do you feel like a man? I do now, yeah. You think you're a big man? No, I'm sort of an average-sized man.

That's cool. What do you think people say about you when you're not around? Ooh, that's a great question. I hope they say at best that I'm really easygoing and funny and at worst that I'm just like lazy and I don't really offer many opinions. So like when I sort of shrink in the background

while other people are deciding things, I hope that people are saying, oh, that's an asset. He doesn't have like a stubborn attitude about what to do. But I bet that can rub people the wrong way too where they're like, I feel like he doesn't ever say what his opinion is and he's like almost too easy going. Like I wish I knew what he thought more. Yeah, that's pretty accurate to what I've heard about you.

Not that you're lazy, but that you're hard to read. You don't really know where they stand with you. I'm not hiding stubborn opinions. I literally don't have them. Like I actually, like my Twitter bio once read, I'm good either way. Yeah, that really is true. Like we go to a restaurant and Avital's like,

I'm like, just order two things and I'll split them with you. And she's like, okay, let me ask the waitress which one's her favorite and I'm gonna do a search on Yelp and like see which one is best and like, which one do you like more? I'm just like, just get two things, I'm sure they'll be good.

They'll be fine, interesting. Do you have any regrets in your life? Yeah, I wish I bought 3000 Bitcoin instead of two in 2014. And I wish I didn't squander the Bitcoin that I did have because now they're worth nearly $100,000 each. And I was sort of gambling with them when they were worth like $150 each.

That's right, yeah. I wish we had more Bitcoin too. So mostly cash-based regrets, investments. But you know what? Regardless of how much money or how wise your investments are, I feel like you could always say, I wish I did more,

or the ones that failed, I wish I didn't do that at all. So I try not to live the past like that. Do you think your life would be better if you had more money? Do you think your life would be better if you made more money, if you were rich? Not really is the weird thing.

Like they say, like once you have a certain amount of money to just be comfortable, then the additional cash is not like you get happier and happier. If anything, there's an inverse relationship. So I feel like I have enough money that I'm content and comfortable. I don't think if I had more money, I'd be like happy go lucky.

You think there's anything in your life that could make you happier? Sure, I think happiness is almost like a muscle that you have to exercise. So there's like, instead of like- Now we're getting somewhere. Took 23 questions. Instead of pinning joy to like career success

or monetary success, you almost have to like completely remove that from those two things. Like happiness is basically the equivalent of doing like sit ups. Like you have to work towards happiness. So I'm sure if I made like a gratitude list or I meditated or I, you know, thought about what all the great things in my life more

than I would feel more joy. Even something as simple as like affirmations and smiling more, but I don't do any of that stuff. All right, why don't do any of that stuff. All right, why don't we end with an affirmation? Okay. You have the floor. Things are going well for me.

I'm comfortable and I'm healthy enough that I can exercise I'm comfortable and I'm healthy enough that I can exercise. And Luke, my dog, is doing better than he was in April, May, and June when we were away from him. And the weather is nice today and I can afford food and I'm gonna see my family soon and it's a Thanksgiving and there's lots of things to be grateful for. Times up. That was trash.

That was trash. Okay. That had fucking nothing that was worth any kind of gratitude. Let's take a break. Health. Let's take a break. Health? Let's take a break. Family?

Luke, I get. I get Luke. Yeah. Let's take a break and we'll be right back. Unbelievable. We have 21 more questions. Those were just the first two. Thank you to Uncommon Goods for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hey, oh, Uncommon Goods. Tis episode of our show. Hey-o, Uncommon Goods. Tis the season, which means tis the season to give lots of people lots of gifts. Mm-hmm, that's true. And if you're running out of ideas, Uncommon Goods is perfect for you. Right. They have a vast array of products that are homemade.

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Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Exactly. The holidays can actually be stressful for some, Jake. I don't know if you know this. Mm hmm. I've heard I've heard a lot of family drama work issues that were laying dormant within you start bubbling to the surface. And the best way to deal with that stressful anxiety is by talking to a professionally licensed therapist. Yes, yes, exactly.

And the best way to start therapy is by giving BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. Easy. All you got to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and you get matched with a licensed therapist like that and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. I just realized you don't know how to snap. You were like, like that.

And yeah, it was such a, yeah. Ooh, that's a really, that's rough, man. I'm sorry to hear that and see that. Yeah, you don't know how to do it. Yeah. Well, maybe I could talk to my therapist about it. Maybe. I've actually tried therapy and I do find it very,

very useful to sort of get ahead of any underlying, stressing, anxiety inducing things in my life. So if you're looking to find comfort this December, you can do so with BetterHelp by going to betterhelp.com slash segments today to get 10% off your first month. Beautiful. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash segments. Right get 10% off your first month. Beautiful. That's better help.

H E L P dot com slash segments. Right. Thank you. Better help. And we're back. Let's play fart or queef. Whoa. Play the noise and you have to say, did it come out of an ass or a pussy?

Let's go. I'm starting my gratitude list. instead of an ass or a pussy. Let's go. I'm starting my gratitude list. I'm just thankful I always know the difference between a fart and a queef. I know a butt and I know a vagina. No ifs, ands, or buts. Okay, here's my segment for you. Now for something completely different.

We sort of touched on it in the last episode, I think, where I was telling you about all the things you're missing on social media. Oh yeah. So I'm gonna catch you up on things that are happening on social media, large trends that you're not seeing, and then I'm gonna sort of turn it into a question. Love it.

Okay. I think I was jokingly referring to the drama between country music star, Zach Bryan, who you're not aware of. Right. And his now ex-girlfriend, Brianna Chickenfry, who got that name because she works at Barstool, and that was sort of her like online personality name

or something like that. Okay. She's a, was in a relation, she's a podcaster for Barstool Sports, which is like a sports bro-y website slash podcast empire. I know that one. Yeah, and she was dating for a year this country music star named Zach Brian.

And things seemed nice on the outside, but slowly fizzled away on the surface, or sorry, on the inside, until they finally broke up a few weeks ago. And she went on her podcast to talk about it. And basically he was emotionally abusive in very specific ways for the last few months, to the point where when they broke up,

he offered her $12 million to sign a non-disparaging contract that she couldn't say why she broke up with him. Wow. Because what he was doing was so fucked up and she ended up saying, no, keep the money. And this is all the things that he's done. And she started listing them on the podcast.

She hasn't even gone through all of them, but she was just like, I wanna be able to be helpful to anybody else in an emotionally abusive situation. I'm sure she's making some of the money back because of her, like, you know, the new role is like an empowering woman in the podcasting world. But certainly she left a lot of money on the table.

So it's commendable that she did that. My question for you is, if somebody was emotionally abusive to you for a year and said, finally, here's $12 million to just go fuck yourself with, but you can't tell anybody I ever did this to you. Would you take the cash? I guess it would depend on, I mean,

the thing is she had a platform and probably a decently sized opportunity to make money off of like coming clean and helping. I don't, and if I had that choice, then maybe I would, but I also am pretty conflict diverse. So I don't think I would be very comfortable like sharing things like that in the limelight. Outing anybody, yeah.

And I think without the platform that I could express myself in, I guess I technically have these podcasts, but they're definitely not as big as a barstool podcast. So no. Yeah, I think I would probably just take the money. You would just take the cash and be like, Yeah, I was fine. He was normal and nice, or she was fine. And I think I just wouldn't say anything. I mean, if you don't say anything, that sounds like, or maybe, can you say if you'd signed an NDA? What if it was me, and I was just like harassing you for a year and we finally stopped the podcast, didn't make any videos anymore, and I'm like, I tormented you basically.

Right, and then you'll give me $12 million to never say anything? Yeah, I would take that. And I would just be like, I wouldn't ever be like, Amir's a great guy. I would be like, we stopped. I actually signed a non-disbarriage agreement. I can't say that.

You can't? Why not? Yeah, because I'm a great guy. Yeah. You can't say I signed a non-disbarriage agreement. It seems like I'm a bad guy. Well, they can make their own conclusion. I could say that I signed an NDA, can't I? No.

Then I'll just say, I'm not allowed to say anything about him. I'm not allowed to say anything. Okay, what if I doubled the offer? 24 to say, he was an awesome guy and I was emotionally abusive. So good on him for leaving me. Yeah, I guess I would take the money and then also reach out to other people in your life

and check in on them and encourage them to leave for cash as well. Yeah. So in both instances, you're taking the money. I think so. I think I like the money. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, money is fun.

Jay Leno recently fell down a 60 foot hill behind a garden inn near Pittsburgh. Jesus. Broke his wrist, bruised his face, and his entire left side of his body. Sad. Very sad, but he's taking it like a pro. He's like, yeah, I just fell down a hill,

and I was going to eat dinner before doing a standup comedy show. So he was just like by himself, and there was a shortcut down the, an embankment behind a hotel and instead of walking around he's like, I think I could do this. Oh God. And fell down.

Yeah. What's the farthest you've ever fallen or most pain you've ever felt? That's a good question. Farthest I've ever fallen or most pain? The furthest I've ever fallen or most pain, it's hard to say. You feel pain so acutely and then when it's gone, it's kind of just like,

you can't even really call it up. I guess. Shout out to our body's ability to heal. Yeah. The furthest I've ever fallen, maybe something like when I broke my heel, that wasn't like a huge fall, but it was probably the fall that had the most impact

on my life. Yeah. I think last- What about career wise? Oh, career wise? I guess there was a time when we had left CollegeHumor and we put all of our chips on the table at Headgum and it felt like it was a year after we started Headgum

and it felt like we were about to go out of business and you and I had to write personal checks so we could cover Headgum's expenses, but I also had to pay taxes and I really needed the money back within a month. And I think that, and I think I was also like planning my wedding at the time. So it was just like, wow,

I'm really gonna just genuinely run out of money. You're down to the felt. Yeah. Yeah. So that was probably the most stressed I had been. And felt like I had fallen career wise. Or maybe after TBS passed on our adult ed pilot, cause I was like, that's probably our last chance to sell a TV show.

Cause next time we go into a room, they say, what have you been doing? And you're like, well, I gave, there's three failed pilots. I think it's in our song. I think most people that pitch have five to 10 failed pilots, that's sort of the nature of the business. For sure, I think you could definitely convince me

that that was actually not a low point, that it was fine that we were building a relationship with Turner. Flushing in disguise. Yeah, but when it happened, it felt like that. Most pain I'd ever been in, maybe when I hurt my back in 2020 or 2019, I think it was 2019, September of 2019.

I fucked up my back. Pre-COVID. Yeah, and it had never spasmed that bad before. It was the first time that I was walking down my hallway. This is after I had heard it. I was just trying to limp to the bathroom, keeping my back and body so rigid to avoid it locking up and spasming. But it started to lock and spasm,

and I was like, I'm gonna fall down, but I can't fall down, because that'll hurt more, but I can't stand here, because it's locking up and spasm and I was like I'm gonna fall down but I can't fall down because that'll hurt more but I can't stand here because it's locking up and spasming it was like a completely frozen I didn't know what to do it's either fall down because you can't move or stand still and bear all of the like lightning pain in your body and I think I just like fell onto my knees and then fell onto my hands like quadruped position and like crawled back to the couch. Did you ever do like a scan, like an MRI or an X-ray? Yeah, I did.

And I mean, I think they found that like there was a bulging disc in my back that was like basically just touching a nerve and you just have to wait for the swelling, for the inflammation to go down. Unbelievable. But that's probably the most pain I'd ever been in. Daniel Jones, the New York Giants quarterback,

two years ago signed a four year deal for $140 million. Awesome. Last week they benched him and he became the third string quarterback. This morning he went in and asked to be released and they instantly said, okay, bye and cut him. If somebody paid you your annual salary for the next two years to do nothing, would you do it?

Would you wanna get waived and paid or do you find some comfort in the work itself? I guess I find comfort in the work itself. I like, if I was getting hundreds of millions of dollars, maybe I would take two years off, but I think there's some element that feels like I'm building. So I'd probably not wanna lose any momentum.

Yeah, so you do beyond just the cash, you value the ability to do something every day. Like you wouldn't want to just wake up, be like, what should I do today? I have no idea. Well, I know I think I could always find something to do every single day. I would, if I had enough money,

I think I would stop working entirely and I wouldn't feel anything. But I- Oh really, you would retire. Yeah, for sure. If Headgum got bought from like- I wouldn't feel anything. But I- Oh really, you would retire. Yeah, for sure. If Headgum got bought for like- You wouldn't be like a billion dollars and I became a multi millionaire. I think I would probably be like,

I'll take a few years off. Yeah. Would you, you think you would create stuff still? Like there's still an internal drive to create stuff and like make your own things and fund your own projects, or you'd just be like, nah, I'm okay, I'm just gonna go to Hawaii with my family instead? I think I would do like a hard reset.

I think I would be like, I'm gonna, I've basically been working a comedy job since I was 20, which is half of my life. So that was when I got my internship at College Humor and I have not stopped making weekly content since then. So I would probably just be like, let's see what my life feels like without having to put something out every week.

And then maybe in who knows how long it would be, weeks, months, a year. I'm sure that drive to create something would come up, but I would probably just do it on my own and not feel the pressure to release it to anybody until it was finished. Are you willing to tell people about your Finstagram? Your fake Instagram that you have that's memes and quotes

and sort of things that you're trying to get viral? Oh yeah. Jake Chicken Fry. That's right. Yeah, a series of sort of funny illustrations that you do, AI art, links to funny things, quotable memes. Yeah, a lot of it is just fuck Jared where I've tried to like scrub any of the tags

or the credit. I try to steal a bunch of stuff, pass it off as my own, et cetera. You say fuck Jared or fuck Jerry? No, fuck Jared. It's fuck Jared. Yeah. The jewelry store.

This shouldn't go to show anybody how offline I am. All right, those are the three main news stories that happened recently that I wanted to catch you up on. Very fun. Did you, wait, what about you? Would you take the money and run? If they, if you don't, you already had your chance. You did the kids question, you did the fashion thing,

the aging thing, asked and answered. The money came up to you in the interview a little bit. So you can probably extrapolate. I feel like I can actually deduce the answer. So I'm, yeah. I think anybody else would know the answer. Of course I would. Speak truth to power is chew the cash

in order to basically become a martyr and speak for those who without a voice. That's what I would do. You could take your money and stuff it. And that's why permission to speak freely about our relationship right now. If you do find yourself in a physically and emotionally abusive work partnership,

please say something, do something. I guess anybody that's been to our live shows has seen me slap you in the face. In the back and the ass and the stomach. All right, let's take another break and come back with one more segment. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. That's right.

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Thanks. Dot com slash segments. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. Oh yeah baby, come on. Jake, you've used Squarespace to build a website. Mm-hmm. Many websites. And you don't know how to code or design, do you?

I do. I just don't have the time, but I know how to code and design. Well, if you didn't know how to code or design, or were honest with people about how little you do know how to code or design. I know how to code and design. I don't have the time.

I'm busy. Squarespace has templates for you to drag and drop and create professional looking portfolios. You don't know how to code and design. You don't know how to code and design. Online stores. You absolutely have no fucking clue. I do. You can sell content, you can build your online presence

with Squarespace. That's correct. You can even buy a domain name on Squarespace. Did you know that you could buy a domain name through Squarespace? I sure did. And I'm about to purchase poisonhoisen.com. So it's the sauce hoisen sauce, but it's poison?

Yeah, exactly. Interesting. Poison hoisen. It's kind of like a cool, like new age hip counterculture name for your own. Poison sauce. You know, it's like, we're not making hot sauce. We're not making like flaming fucking red or whatever death, but hoisin.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But for hoisin, it's for liquid death drinkers to put on their meat. boydudes.com. Boydudes. Thought. Boydudes? Thoughts? It's fine. It's no poison hoisin.

Well, if you wanna buy boydudes.com or poison hoisin, both are still available. That's right. At the time of recording, but if you wanna buy your own situation, then you can do so through Squarespace. And if you go to squarespace.com slash segments, you can save 10% off your first purchase of a website

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. All right, here's a game for us. This is brand new. You know the who's 58, who's 61. We've done that before, right? That's right. So here's a new wrinkle that we thought of.

Name a celebrity whose age is their height. Yes, yes. So for example, I'm 5'11". If I was 5'11", that would match. Right, exactly. That's how we're playing it. You're 6'0". It's people that I, right.

If you were 60, that would be your height. I see, I see. So we can't do- So we really are looking for a 59 year old five foot nine guy or a 61 year old six foot one guy. That's really interesting. Yeah, five 11. Would they really have to be 511?

I guess that's- Yeah. Yeah, we can't. It's sort of a disqualifying height, but five, maybe a woman that's like five five, who's 55. Yeah, that's, yeah. It's sort of a disqualifying height, but five, maybe a woman that's like five five, who's 55. Yeah, that's in play. That's very much in play. I'll guess first. Actually, oh yeah, okay, go.

Wait, what are the stakes? You have to sing the Aladdin song? Stakes? I don't wanna sing anymore. I don't wanna sing, you can't make me sing. You have to sing the opening Aladdin song. One, didn't I already do you can't make me sing. I think that opening Aladdin song. Didn't I already do that? Twice I think.

Yeah, and I honestly think the opening Aladdin song is Arabian Nights. Oh, that's true. But it's one job. How about the loser has to watch a movie and give a movie report. So it's sort of like you serp a night of your life. God, no, the stakes are too high.

Too high to watch one movie? What if it's a good movie? My evenings are way too precious for that. Way too precious. You can watch it during the day. You can watch it in the morning. Busy during the day. Yeah.

Barack Obama, six feet, 60 years old. Okay, go. I think he's older than 60. Really? Yeah. He's 63. And is he 63? Let's find out.

He's gotta be shorter than six, 63 is tall. Wow. He is 62. 62? Whoa, that was close. Very close. You almost had to sing like in Arabian Nights. And you almost had to watch fucking Wicked.

Suzy Essman from Curb Your Enthusiasm, I think is short and in her early 50s. Suzy Essman, okay. She is, she is 5'2", but she's 69. She 50'd. What? Suzy Esmond's 69? 69.

My God, she looks incredible. Oh my gosh, shout out to Suzy Esmond. But how about- Are you sure you searched the right woman? Yes, yes I am. Wow. How about Julia Julie Dreyfus? Julu?

Oh no, she's 63 and she's 5'3". I thought it was 55 across the board. These women are aging too gracefully for us to wrap our heads around. I'm trying to think of a tall athlete that's old. Magic, no, this is not correct, but I'll say Magic Johnson, who's six foot nine and might be 69, but I think he's younger than that. Let's see. He is 65. Oh, close.

And 69. Magic Johnson was close. Daniel Craig could be five, nine and 59. You don't have to call the height and age. It just has to be the same. Okay. Okay, fine. Even better.

Okay, he's 56 and five, 10. Give me Scott Baio, who is fucking 60 and six, zero. And yeah, he's a proud Republican, but that's not the point of the game. He's five 10 and he's 64. Fuck, this might be harder than we thought. It's a moving target. How about, oh, what's that actor in

Tate and Time? Liam Neeson, Liam Neeson. Neeson might be old, he might be like 70. Yeah, he might be tall too. Seven feet? He is 70, he is 6'4". Yeah. He's 72 and 6'4".

That is taller than I thought. Give me Ricky Gervais who might be 59 and 5'9". This is, we are shooting the moon, you know, like that's the, this is the hardest game we've ever played. It's a moving target to be sure. He's 63 and he's 5'8". Okay, five years off. Mm-hmm, we got it, we had the, it's, it's gotta be 50s.

I think 5'9 and 5'9 is really, really possible. Mm-hmm. No. No. Hmm. I think five nine and five nine is really, really possible. Okay. You're basically thinking of middle eight or how old is? All right, give me Spud Webb. Excuse me. Who's a famous five foot seven inch basketball player who might be 57. It's my turn right now.

It's actually my turn. Spud Webb. We're not doing Spudweb. Julia Roberts. You're obsessed with Julia's. I think she's 5'10 or 5'11, which is an instant DQ. She is not. This is so fucking close. She's 57 and 5'8.

Wow, that's like the Barack Obama one. Give me Spudweb. You can just do age, because I know his height. We're looking for 57. He's 61. Fuck! Patrick Rafter. He's four foot two and 42.

Let's see. He is, he is 51 and he is 61. Okay, what about Patrick McEnroe? Sorry, John McEnroe, not his brother Patrick. Give me John McEnroe, six feet and 60. He is 65. I don't think he's 65. He's not 65, he's not. How about Conan O'Brien though? Could's 65. He's not 65, he's not.

How about Conan O'Brien though? Could be 65. Conan? Conan? Conan is 61 and 64. Yeah, yeah, he's a tall boy. Gosh darn it. 61.

59 and 59. This shouldn't be difficult. It shouldn't be that hard. 57 and 57. 57 shouldn't be difficult. It shouldn't be that hard. 57 and 57. 57, 57. Tom Cruise, but he's 60, right? Yeah, he's too tall. The problem is you shrink as you age,

and your age goes up, actually. So it's really hard to find the point for the intersect. You can go ahead, it's your turn. It is absolutely my turn. Yeah. Give me, for the love of God, a 60 year old six footer named.

Go ahead. Anderson Cooper. Oh, that's pretty good. He's 57. Could be five seven. He's five 10. Brad Pitt. What? Brad Pitt. What? Brad Pitt.

How tall is Brad Pitt? Oh, this is so fucking close again. 60 and 5'11". 5'11", wow, I can't believe me and Pitt are the same height. Oh, really thought he was 60. It's kinda cool that I'm the hottest height. I don't think anybody talks about how hot Brad Pitt's height is.

Barry Sanders. Okay. And I am serious. NFL running back, Barry Sanders. He is 56 and five eight. Wipeout. Steve Carell actually could take it. I don't mind that as a guess.

A 6'1", 6'1". No, he's 62. No way he's 62. 5'9". What about Colbert? As long as we're doing funny Stevens. Stephen Colbert. He's 5'11", so you're already lost.

What, how old is he? What if he's 5'11"? He's 5'10", he's 5'10", fuck. 5'11", so you're already lost. How old is he? What if he's 5'11"? He's 5'10", he's 5'10", fuck. 5'11", and he's 60. So again, very, very close. Oh my God, what if he's six feet? Search again. Search Colbert Wright. No, no. Will Ferrell.

In shoes. Will Ferrell. Oh, 64 and 64 is in play. 63 and 57. Oh, okay, okay. John C. Reilly. That's good. Uh, uh, uh, C. Reilly. Nope, 59, six, two.

He's 59 and six, two. You think it'll feel good when we get it or it's just gonna be sort of anticlimactic? No, I think it'll feel pretty good. Mark Ruffalo. Mark Ruffalo. From Buffalo? Yeah.

Mark Ruffalo. Oh, kill me. 57 and he's 5'8". You've had three of them that were one inch off. Crazy gloves. I mean, I think I need to go lady, like a 55 year old lady. Yeah.

Like what is the height and age of Rosie O'Donnell? Oh, that's good. She's 62. So I don't think we're gonna get there. She's five seven. What about Ed Norton? What about Ed Norton? He's six feet tall and 55.

What about Jennifer Lopez? She's just Jenny from the block who might be 55 and five foot five. That's true. She's five, five, and 55. Oh my God, and I called it! I absolutely guessed it perfectly! A moving fucking bullseye! You threw a dartboard up, I called my shot, and I did anyway. You made the target smaller and I still hit it. You know there's two bullseyes. I got the one in the middle. I absolutely got the one in

the middle and it's five millimeters. Point five. Gotta keep one jump ahead of the bread line, one swing ahead of the sword. I steal only what I can't afford. That's everything. One jump ahead of the bread line. One swing ahead of the sword. I steal only what I can't afford. That's everything. One jump ahead of the law men. That's all and that's no joke. These guys don't appreciate I'm broke. Riff raff, street rat, scoundrel. Take that!

Try a different tack guys. Rip him open round the back lines. I can take a hint, gotta face the facts. Could really use a friend or two. Huh? Oh, it's sad. Aladdin's hit the bottom. He's become a one man rising crime. I blame parents except he hasn't got them.

Gotta steal the eat, gotta, excuse me, gotta eat to live, gotta steal the eat, tell you all about it when I got the time. One jump ahead of the slow pokes, one skip ahead of my doom. My next time, gotta use nom to flume. One jump ahead of the hit men, one hit ahead of the flock. I think I'll take a stroll around the block. Stop thief, vandal, abu, scandal.

Let's not be too hasty. Still I think he's rather tasty. Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat, otherwise we get along. Wrong! One jump, ahead of the hoof beats, one hop, ahead of the hump, one trick, ahead of disaster. They're quick, but I'm much faster. Here goes, better throw my hand in. Wish me happy landing. All I gotta do is jump! A red pit is six feet. One jump, and the red line. And JLo's 52.

You just wanted to fucking sing the song. I love that song. Yes. All right, good work. Finally you sing a song. Yeah, that was the first time. I think that was, yeah, that was the first time I've ever lost that game on pod, right?

Yeah. I don't know why you sing the song that I had already sung, but. Well, I think that's the new stakes. Whoever loses. Oh, any time. It's always that song. Got it.

Next time I'm gonna use a nom to plume and guess correctly. That's good. Okay, for more of us, we're on Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. That's right, there's a duet of us singing that song over on our Patreon now. Is there? There will be. That's awesome.

Uh, and for those of you listening or watching, thank you very much. Grateful. Practice gratitude today. That's right. Um, and we'll be back, of course, next Monday, as always. See you guys in a week. Ciao. That was a Hidgum original. See you guys in a week! Ciao!