If I Were You - 575: Orthodontics

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

In this episode we discuss our favorite bands, video game characters, and how to smile better! Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. We should be getting more acapella theme songs. That wasn't enough. If I were you. I actually don't know if we've used that one before. I was searching for songs and this is a good shout out. If you're sitting on some theme songs or you have one in the can or if you have one in your head, now's the time.

If you have one in your head, that's absolutely perfect. You don't even need an instrument. Voice note, acapella style, fire off. So I don't know if we've used that one before. I just found it deep in the recess of our email submissions. I'm sure a super fan out there would be like, actually use that in episode 314. It doesn't sound familiar to me, but I guess.

It didn't sound familiar to me either. Yeah. That one was from Colton Hardy. Colton Hardy. My friend Speddy Eddies. Speddy Edds and I have a sound cloud with some funny songs for adults with such hit jams as Toe Jam. Toe Jam.

Baker's Delight. Cool. Bathtub Blues. Okay. Fat and ugly. Nice. And you can see it on their sound cloud, which is See Hard and Speddy Edds,

or soundcloud.com slash Colton Hardy. Perfect. So, you know, if you want more. Yeah. Now you know how to find them. Love it. We're back in the lab slash studio in the same room in LA. That's right.

You got a full couch that you're sitting on. I'm just relaxed. It's weird that your shoes are still on that because they're not fully relaxed unless your shoes are. You're sliding them off. Now it's a lot better, right? Yeah. It feels really cozy.

So, he's like, for those of you just listening. I'm curled up. Yeah. If you're, you can watch this on our YouTube channel in stunning HD. That's right. But if you're just listening like an old school fan, Jake is posted up on the couch sort of sitting like a lady in a boyfriend hoodie with a cup of coffee on a cold day.

Yeah. Who's like just gabbing with a friend. Yeah. He's sort of coyishly chewing on one of the strings of his hoodie. Sort of twirling it now, almost like a kitty cat. And he's like having fun a little bit with it. He's giggling and he's putting his hoodie up and he's sort of, he's sort of being a cute little, cute little boy girl.

And he's sort of like sheepishly waving. Oh! He just needs, the spider just came out of his nose. Shit. Okay. He's vomiting now. He looks really ill. He looks really nasty out.

All right. He's back. We're back. This is a fire review and advice pod. The only one on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. Indeed. And you're Jake and.

Yep. We're going to do some lightning round action today. We are. We're trying. Got my phone here. Some days we get through one question. Other days we try to get through fucking a thousand. Yes.

I sent you, we asked, we solicited these questions on our Instagram. That's right. We have an Instagram, Jake and Amir on Instagram. That's right. And we didn't ask us almost anything. Obviously there are some things that are way too off color. It's too soon to blue to actually address. But we got some good ones.

Mateus Reba says too personal. Exactly. You don't want that. A little too personal. It's off limits. We're not going to go there. Yes. And nor should we.

We don't need to go there. Because we can, we can, we don't need to work blue. Leah Foster actually right off the bat says, should I get tickets to New York City? Had come happy hour. Yes. On the 27th of January. Well, fortunately it's all sold out now. Really?

I don't know. I'm just kind of projecting that. Cause we're, we're recording it on, you know, we only released one promo. And this is coming out, I think the 16. Right. Whatever. But yeah. So it might be sold out by the time this one comes out.

Correct. Maybe we have to promote it. Maybe we don't. I think we will. So headgum.com slash live. Unfortunately it's sold out. But just assume it's not sold out. Don't even bother going to the URL.

You tickets available. Headgum.com slash live. Yes, you should come. Cameron Mona. Amir, did you have braces? Your teeth look great. Thank you. Let me tell you someone who's sitting near him.

They don't. But you did have braces. Just a lot of back cracks. She did have a retainer though. Yeah, I actually had braces. Much like everything in life, I had braces too late. So I got them in 10th grade. Most people get them off.

That's when I got them on. I got them on. And I was told that they would only last two years. Of course, that's not how it works. I shouldn't say hi, but my parents sprung for the clear braces. Oh, nice. They want metal face. Right.

So I had clear braces. Yeah. We did the rubber bands top and bottom. The clear braces I think are a little worse because like, if I see metal, I'm like, I know you have braces. And then clear. It's like something. Bumpy teeth.

What's going on? Your teeth are waving. What's going on? I was like eat top ramen and like the clear and the rubber bands would get dyed yellow. So it was just not a good look for anyone. Yeah. By the time I was a senior in high school, still had the braces and it was getting to the point where I was going to need them in college still.

I'm like, orthodontist, doctor, dentist, I need to cut you off. Yeah. This is good enough. Because it was like maybe next month, maybe next month, maybe next month. It's August. I'm turning 19 soon. I can't have braces in college. And he's like, you have to sign something that says we weren't done.

So if there's like a problem down the line, you absolve us of it. But we'll take them off if you want us to. It seems. And I'm like, yes. I can't fathom a world where I go to freshman year of college. Now in retrospect, I should have just kept them until they were done. I don't know what kind of long term damage I did just to not have braces in college. I think one of the things that's important, freshman year showing up with braces, I wouldn't

want to do that. Yeah. I didn't have time. Even in retrospect. Yeah. In retrospect. Like, would you get Invisalign just because to be clear, your teeth are pretty fucked up.

Well, my teeth are straight amongst each other, but my bite isn't correct. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah. So like, if you look at this, like, yeah, nasty, you want the top two teeth and the autumn centered ones to line up. Right. I don't have that. No, not even close.

No. Like if I line it up, it's like way off. The bite is not correct. Yeah. Would I get Invisalign to fix that? As of now, I don't feel like I need to, but I guess I would in general. Yeah. Jill actually got Invisalign and they told her it was going to be like six months or

something. She was supposed to get it off. I forget what you got it on, but I think it was like, they said three to six months. Yeah. Which basically feels like nothing. Yeah. And they're like, oh, it'll be off by the time you go to Italy, which we went to in July.

Six months ago. She just finished last week. Yeah. It was probably different than it was a year ago. I think for her, yes. Was it a bite thing or was it a straight teeth thing? I think it was maybe a little bit of a both. I don't think she, the thing is at the dentist, they'll say anything to get you to give them

the cash for it. That's how they make a lot of cash. Yeah. They Invisalign cost thousands. So they'll tell you your bite is bad. They'll tell you that your teeth are crowding. Yeah. They'll tell you that your mouth is, they also do this thing at the dentist, which I really

don't like. We talk about dentists a lot, but I think they're fucking scam artists. They, you don't really know anything about your teeth and they do look gross if you shine a light and a mirror on them. So like they'll often just be like, can I show you something? Yeah. They make me open my mouth. They shine the light.

They make me look in a mirror. Do you see how it like that? Yeah. It is nasty. In the dark recess of your mouth. You could easily show me something and be like, and that's looking a lot better. That's looking normal. I was big.

Okay. It looks nasty to me, but great. I've never seen what it looks like behind my back mold or so you all take your word for it. And then they're like, yeah, like your, your teeth are really bad. They're going to keep on going in and keep on like caving in on themselves. Right. Unless you give me, you know, five grand and we'll do, we'll do Invisalign for you.

And it'll take six months and then on month six, they're like, well, no, we need, we need a few more months of this, but then you're in the middle. You're, you know, in for a penny, in for a pound. So you know, like you, some people are like, we can remove this tooth to fix this crowding and then sometimes you're like, you should never do that. It's like, well, this person says I definitely should and you say I definitely shouldn't. So what am I supposed to do now? Yeah.

I'm not an expert. So I have to just blindly believe one of you and hope that it works out for the best. So I'm not going to do the Invisalign, but I might. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. I need to fix my front teeth kind of crossover each other. Yeah.

And it started to get more and more and more. And I don't know if it really is or if they're just kind of like, you know, putting that in my brain. Right. Have my teeth really like started, am I going to be 80 and they'll be like completely folded against each other? Yeah, I don't think so. I don't know either.

I don't think so. Fortunately, we have videos of us one video week for 15 years. So like we can actually track our teeth progress if necessary. Yeah. So when you look at pictures of you from like 2007, are your teeth different? My teeth have always been the same. I got my braces off when I was in 10th grade, right around 16. Yeah.

I wore the retainer for two weeks and then my dog ate it and his teeth are awesome. Yeah. My dog ate it and I didn't get an orthodontist appointment for another month. In that time, my teeth shifted back. I got the new molds of my crooked teeth and I wore the retainer for a while. Oh, is that you're still wearing a retainer? No, no, not anymore. I wore the retainer until like maybe until I went to college.

Maybe I took it. And then nothing ever since. Yeah. No grind guards or anything like that. No, no. You don't grind in your sleep or anything like that. No. I'm a grinder.

Yeah. It'd be nice if I could snap my fingers and have my teeth all be perfectly straight. I think I would. But it doesn't seem like it's worth it. Obviously, that would be great. Yeah. If you could do the snapping. Yeah.

It just seems so archaic and old. Actually, we need to move your teeth. Do the snapping. Hold on. Wow. It's perfect. It's beautiful for thinking of teeth. What's a food or meal you can eat every day, asks Jason Serrano.

And is it spaghetti with cranberry sauce? Is that from a video? Must have been. Yeah. Or a podcast where I was suggesting it. Oh, yeah. It's like not that much crazier than tomato sauce. Oh, actually I have a spaghetti hack that Jill cooked the other night.

It was very, very good. Which is? We didn't have any tomatoes. We didn't have any tomato sauce. But we just cooked noodles and poured in tomato soup. And it worked. Was it thick enough? Yeah, it was.

And she like cooked down some onion and garlic and like put some spinach in there and then like Parmesan. It was definitely thick enough. It was delicious. Could you eat it every day for the rest of your life though? I could eat Annie's macaroni and cheese every single day for the rest of my life. No problem. No issue.

I'd look forward to it every single day. So what's stopping you from doing that? I don't think it's healthy. It's an indulgence and I enjoy Annie's about once every two to three months. Really? Yeah. Two to three months. Yeah.

That's pretty rare for something you can eat every single day. Yeah. And I mean, there was a time when I would have Annie's every single Sunday night. And there was a time before that where I had it every single night. When I first moved to New York, I cooked myself Annie's every single night for dinner unless I got a burrito. Never got sick of it. No.

And I truly never will. I also don't think I'd ever get sick of the smoothie from Backyard Bulls. Yeah, that's a good smoothie. That's what's keeping you coming back to LA. Yeah. A smoothie is something that I actually do have every single day pretty much. All right. Which one of you...

Wait, what about you? That's actually two personal. Okay. At what age did you stop sitting to pee, if ever? Danny DeFrito. I don't know when I stopped. I definitely started sitting to pee again when I was like 30. You started full time.

Yeah, full time. But at home? Yeah. If it's late at night, I don't want to turn on a light because I'm afraid I'll wake up too much. So I'll get up from bed, sit to pee. Sometimes in the early morning, sit to pee, 50% sit to pee, say 20%. Maybe even less than that.

Depends where I am. Really? I guess if I'm at home and I'm on my computer doing a lot of emails, slacks, et cetera. And then I'm like, going to get up and go pee, I'll grab my phone, sit to pee, and use my phone for social things, and then go back. So if it feels like a sit pee is like, I want to be on my phone the amount that I normally would if someone were shitting. But I don't do a phone shit.

You don't do a phone shit. Yeah, shit without my phone. Interesting. And what are you doing on there? Just on the toilet, just thinking about stuff? I don't have to sit very long to shit. Sit to shit? And it comes out.

Yeah. And then you're wiping. It feels nasty to me to sit down, shit, look at your phone, and then grab your hand and wipe shit. Oh, interesting. And then your phone's in your hand. It's like, I want to have my hands clean. I made the fatal flaw of wiping my ass with my phone once.

Fatal flaw. Because you died of food poisoning. That all chestnut. Yeah, I'm just like, because you're on your phone and you're wiping your ass, and then you're like, oh, hold on one second. And you didn't even notice until the next day. Right? I'm just like, oh, shit.

Yeah. And then I'm like, I'll deal with that tomorrow. Yeah. Because you're like, I got fucking Instagram to look at, scroll, smearing shit all over my phone. Yeah. And then I put it in my pocket. Yeah.

And then there's shit on my phone. Look at it. It falls on my nose. Yeah. Because it's not, you know when I shit, there's full logs, like every time I wipe. Unbroken logs. There was an unbroken log of shit on my phone for a week. It's what's that game we used to play?

Snake game? Yeah. Snake. Yeah. No, what was the game, the one where you like, would go around and get the balls that made your snake longer? Yeah. It's called Snake?

Yeah, it's called Snake. Like on the Nokia phone? No, no, not that one. Not that one. It was the one that we would play on this phone. Remember? It was a Snake game on your phone. It was the one that I was, me and Riley were competing and I was the goat that.

Oh, right. Snake block. Snake first blocks. It was Snake's first blocks. You were trying to get the blocks. Yeah. Right. You would like get numbers that would make your snake longer and then you go through

the block with the lowest number because that would take the amount of balls from your snake. Right. That was like the next evolution of the snake. Yeah, exactly. Have you gotten addicted to a phone game recently? No. No.

Was that the last one? That was the last. That was the last one. That was after Crossy Roads. Yeah. After Crossy Roads. That was the last thing. I haven't gotten addicted to any games except for Animal Crossing since then.

And then that was. That was the switch. That was the switch. And then I got rid of the switch. I switched that off. How was your island? At the end, it was a ramshackle rundown piece of shit. Yeah.

I was in Nook's pocket with thousands and thousands of bells. Yeah. And I couldn't get out from under his thumb. Shane Rover asks, which college humor friend do each of you keep in closest contact with? Which college humor friend? Yeah. I mean, probably you. I would say Streeter.

You talked to Streeter? I haven't talked to him in months. He doesn't. He's not really on his phone. He doesn't return texts. You know that? Well, do you have his new number? Yeah.

917? No. 273. Not 917. He moved. Do you have his new address? I have his new address. He was one, two.

I actually got dinner with a whole crew the other night. I was in New York. Really? And we all sort of did a tweet up. Well, not the whole crew. Because I don't think Dan is there. Dan was there. Jeff is not around in New York.

Jeff's there? Okay. I don't know. I wonder. Because I'm there. Yeah. Are you on a group thread? Because it's all green for me.

You still hang out with the janitor from 349 Broadway, Manny, right? Yeah. I actually saw, so I saw Pat last weekend. A polar plunge. We did the polar plunge. I did New Year's Eve at Sarah Schneider's. And Pat was actually there, along with Amanda with Vinny. We see Vinny a lot.

Yeah. Josh Rubin did our show, Not Too Unrecently. I guess I got like, I got dinner and drinks with Dan. It was probably a year ago. So who do we see the least? The least? Ricky? Yeah.

Would you consider Ricky part of the college humor crew? He was more of our boss. Yeah. But he was, he's a friend. Yeah. I got his Christmas card this year. Oh yeah. I got that too.

I like hear from Ricky sometimes. Yeah. I got dinner with Jeff Rubin last year also. Last year. Last year. What was that dinner? Thai sushi. He cooked.

Wow. He cooked. I think believe it was gnocchi. With a tomato soup. Yeah. With tomato soup. That's right. I got the inspo.

I saw Kevin Corgan actually when I was in Denver for the NADPOT show. Oh, he came to that? Yeah. Wow. How's he doing? Great. Climbing a lot. Right.

I believe like climbing magazine. Holy shit. Yeah. Have you ever seen Murph? Yeah. I've seen Murph several times a week. Hanabella ass. What are you coming back to Ireland?

Hi. Good. You got her. Oh Peter. Oh Peter. We're not allowed back. Yes. Yes.

I got a DUI in Glasgow. I went to Copperface Jackson and I never returned. Have you seen the banshees of in Sharon? I actually watched it two days ago. Oh, what'd you think? It was weird. I basically liked it all the way until the end. The way end?

Or like towards the end when he starts doing stuff that you didn't... Basically the very, very end. It was like, it ended. I was like, it's just going to end like that? Yeah. There are spoilers for banshees of in Sharon. Have you seen it, Casey? I have seen it, yes.

Yeah. I felt like there wasn't a resolution at all, which I guess is like the point. Right. I have kind of a basic movie taste where I want to feel complete and happy at the end of the movie. Right. The end of the story. Yeah.

And they lived happily ever after. That's what I want. This was not that kind of movie. No. It kind of just like, it just ended. It just ended. I actually don't fully remember how it ended. Did he leave or something?

He leaves? Yes. Do you want me to... I saw it. Okay. Spoiler, full spoiler for banshees of in Sharon coming up. He leaves the island, right? No.

He goes... His sister leaves the island. That other dude cuts all of his fingers off. Of course. Other dude's donkey dies. Yeah. He burns down that guy's house. Yeah.

And then they are standing on the beach and the guy basically is like, I'm sorry. And he says, well, this isn't over. Right. And didn't he kill himself? The guy? No. There was no suicide? No suicide.

You kind of think that he did. And then it turns out that he didn't. But it's supposed to be a metaphor for the Irish civil war, which is just like these two sides are fighting. They used to not be enemies. Now they are. And it's kind of like no good can come of it. And that's sad.

And that's how the movie ended. Right. And it's sad. Yeah. Colin Farrell gives such a hell of a performance in that. I really, I felt for him so much. He felt so bad for me. It's just such a sweet guy.

Yeah. He's a simpleton. Yeah. I read a tweet that was funny. That was like somebody didn't realize it was a period piece. They just assumed Irish people live like that. That was me also. It was like, is this 1912 or a really small town?

Yeah. And I was in not Ireland, but I was in Scotland recently in like the West Highlands. And it does look like that. You know, like their buildings have been around forever. Yeah. And that would be a funny twist if at the end someone just takes out an iPhone. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's modern day. We just like to not live with any electricity. Don't know. We're trying to figure out. They do it in the first act where they show the calendar. Oh, and it's like 1920. 1923. Yeah.

So coming back to Ireland. Damn. I really, I thought that like our shows in Ireland the first time we went were in Dublin where we were performing in the tents with Ben. Yeah. There's some of our best shows ever. I had such a good time. I would happily do that again if we could get invited back to that festival.

Oh, yeah. Hopefully they're still doing it and they can invite us back. Yeah. It's JFL. Oh, even better. It was JFL Ireland? Is that possible? Is that doable?

Or was it like an Ireland comedy festival? Maybe it was the Dublin Comedy Fest. I don't know. It was a comedy festival. For some reason I thought it was JFL and I guess everything is JFL to you. It seems probably, it seems unlikely, but anyway, yeah, I would love to go back. All right, let's take a break, come back, answer some more cues. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right.

Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't sleep for the better part of it. I do not. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great. Or yeah, I got the perfect mattress.

Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20 percent off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing free pillows. Come on. Yes, this is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix.

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow, for years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a

free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we've returned. Oh, now Lamar asks, what did you have for lunch?

What did you have for lunch? It is one o'clock and we have not had lunch yet. OK, what are you thinking for lunch? I would love to get some kind of salad. Interesting. Yeah, I'd like to eat something healthy. It's early in the new year. I'm still on my diet.

Got it. Yours is kind of like the Monday of the new year. It's like I had a raunchy holiday, a.k.a. Sunday, now let me try to get back into better shape by eating a salad. Yeah, I think that'd be good. What about you for lunch yesterday? Yesterday, I was upgraded on my flight out here. So I had an impossible cheesesteak in the Delta one cabin.

Holy smokes. Let's imagine that impossible cheesesteak. I got my health shit. Insane. Fries? No. You rarely see fries on an airplane. Yeah, you don't.

I don't think they could deep fry in the sky. No, they have to bake them somehow. But it was more of a side salad situation. That's good. It honestly wasn't that wasn't that tasty. Really? If I can be fair. Are you into the fake meat stuff usually or not really?

Yeah, yeah, I think I think it tastes great. I like it a lot. I hear it's like not that great for you, but it's still delicious. Yeah, it's you think I guess I definitely thought that I was being healthier when I had it, but it's kind of just like nice to not kill an animal for every single meal. Yeah. But I think they're delicious.

Speaking of not killing an animal. Yeah, Carl Lewis asks, do you guys believe in a higher power or a being or entity exists beyond our comprehension? I actually had a conversation about this with my Lyft driver yesterday. We had, I have to say, quite a moving discussion. Really? A discord? I got his number at the end.

I'm sorry to hear that. He found out, I mean, I was talking to him, we were talking about like how there's no parking anymore in New York and how construction projects take a long, long time. Okay. And then, you know, we're in the car. That's step one. Yeah, step one. We were getting comfortable with each other.

Then he's talking to me. He has asking what I do. Tell him that. An older gentleman or? Yeah. It's like probably 50, 60. Okay. Um, from Ecuador.

Okay. Uh, and like moved here when he was 12. Yeah. Uh, so I tell him about what I do that I run a podcast network. He's asking me about the shows. I tell him that I have an advice show. Okay. And then he starts like, he's like, well, what kind of advice do you give?

And I was like, it's usually relationship advice. And then he starts kind of like telling me about his last relationship, um, that is over and a little bit fit, like asking for advice or like if he did the right thing or whatever. Wow. Um, and then he starts talking to me about a new person that he's seeing. Okay. And we like get really deep on, uh, on just like relationships.

Like, what do you think is the most important things? Like the bedrock of a relationship. And I was like, respect and communication. I was talking about like, yeah, it was just like a very, very, uh, deep conversation. So how did it get to God? At the very end, he, I think just based on like kind of like this like spiritual discussion that we were having, he asked if I believed in God. And when I told him I didn't, I could tell that he was disappointed.

Yeah. Like he wanted, he wanted me to say that I, that Jesus was my savior. And I was just like, uh, he's, he's not as like, I grew up Jewish and Christian. He's like, oh my God, how that's, that's, that's wild. There's such different religions. And I was like, yeah, and I, and I don't believe in God. Right. Um, and he's like, that's why it's like, well, and when something goes wrong, what

do you, who do you pray to? What do you say? And I was like, I guess, I guess God, I do often pray for some kind of deliverance from something. I don't believe it. Yeah. Yeah. I asked for the universe to revert to good for me.

Right. But like, yeah, don't believe in a higher power. Anyway, do you, you don't, I already know you don't. Yeah, I don't either. What do you, do you believe in anything? If something is gone, if something's going really wrong. Yeah. Do you, are you praying for anything?

Are you just hoping? What do you feel? I can hope. Yeah. I can hope and send good thoughts for sure. St. Luke is when your dog was sick. Yeah. Your dog's.

My lowest point. Getting checked up in the, in the vet. Yeah. Are you like, well, I hope everything's fine. Are you like, please God, let Luke be healthy. I don't think I'm saying please God, but I am saying please let Luke be healthy. Yeah. Like, I really hope he's okay.

Right. And you're not directing that towards anybody that can actually deliver that. Yeah. Because I think that if God were real, he'd be too busy with much more important shit. Be amazing if he wasn't. Yeah. So he's handling the Ukraine tragedy and also.

No, he's actually not doing that. He's just doing Luke. Good news. It was just a cough as a building explodes in the Ukraine. Oh, shit. I should have had my eyes on that. Oh, man. The blood's on my hands.

Exactly. Exactly. But it is interesting that more people are like your Uber driver. I know we've talked about that before that like, yeah, it's not like a fringe radical belief that like there's this spiritual being that is controlling things. Right. That's a majority of people. Yeah.

And it's weird too, because like I, I kind of believe in some things, some thing, some higher powers, ability to make things happen or not for me. An inexplainable. Yeah. And I am often like praying for, I don't say like, dear God, please let this happen. But I will like direct any of my hopes and fears at some higher power. Yeah. But I also, when I die, I think everything just goes off.

So there's no, you don't take it one step further. No, I don't. Yeah. So I don't know what that makes me. I guess spiritual. That's cool. Yeah. You.

So he says the a higher, an entity that exists beyond our comprehension. Yeah. Maybe I don't know. I actually think not. But I think my comprehension is so low that I think it does. There's even some science shit that I don't understand. Believe it or not. That is explainable and viewable and quantifiable.

Yeah. Do you have a less heavy question than that? Sure. Um, how often do you guys fart? Do you have any memories of working with Eric Beck, Indy Mogul, as corned beef hatch? Eric Beck. Yeah, he did the set, the special effects for the zombie sketch we wrote. Indy Mogul, that is.

That's Justin Johnson and Eric Beck. Yeah. Yeah. So guys, they're still making stuff. Are they really? Yeah, that's awesome. We actually watched on Patreon one of over Halloween, the one where you're a zombie and you bite my shoulder off.

Yeah, and they did the special effects. It's pretty fucked up. Yeah. So we have good memories and wish them the best. Um, what's your favorite part of running head gum and what is your least favorite part asks Nettie Pretz asks Marty. God. Is this a fucking end of the year eval?

This is a review. Uh, hardest part is, is I guess making like business decisions that affect people's realized, like you just want to be a nice guy and hire everybody and give everybody raises, but that's not like actually possible. Right. Yeah. Like, you know, running a business. Anything cash based is not that fun.

Right. Um, unless we like have a lot of it, that's fun. Yeah. And let's get a cash in it. A lot of cash and then everybody gets as much money. And those are the highs and lows. Like when we raised the money, that was a high. You get millions of dollars to hit the business account and you get to like grow

the business and hire people. Right. And then the low is when you're in the middle of that and you're trying to protect the investment and that's when you have to make the decisions. Yeah. So high is getting cash. Low is maintaining. Yeah.

He's losing and maintaining cash. Yeah. Spending the cash in an efficient way. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. But I guess our job is more creative than deciding what to do with the cash. Yeah.

There were times when I was building out the New York studio just because a lot of the operations people are here. Yeah. That like out in New York, I, there were times in over the summer that I felt like my job was not very creative because it was just like these deliveries are happening now. You had to be like an office manager. Yeah. And I remember Rika did the brunt of it, but both of us, um, just had to like

build desks. Be around. Yeah. I definitely built some desks again this year. Um, live shows also a highlight hanging out with everybody from both coasts in one place. Major. Major Keeler. That was awesome.

Uh, any tips asks Rackhand Suflan. Any tips? To have a better smile. What's your smile style? Interesting. Here's this for a tip. I used to smile with just top teeth only. Yeah.

Not a great smile. Yeah. That's not, that's also pretty bad, but better than just the top. The trick is to make yourself laugh. I like to laugh. Yeah. If you, if you're about to take a photo and someone says, smile, and you try to smile, it's not good.

You say, they say, smile, you go, ha, and then you freeze on the laugh. Yeah. Mostly top teeth, a little bottom. That's like the magic Johnson million dollar smile. Mm hmm. I'm also down. I like a tight lip smile every once in a while. Oh, the, because now that I have a beard, I think that sometimes if the beard is too

long, teeth and beard look like a little mangle. Oh, yeah. So. You'll, so no teeth or all teeth. Yeah. Not the in between. Mm hmm. Yeah.

Uh, let's see here. Uh, why won't you herbs have the Twin Innovation crew on the pod asks F Baglet 28? That's a fair question. I think it's hard to wrangle three people. Usually when you and I are recording, yeah, it's not like, uh, we're not professional enough that we have a standing recording time, right? That we meet even a standing recording place. Yeah.

If in a dream world, it's like every Tuesday, I'm in the New York office at noon, you're here at nine. Yeah, we record two episodes of our podcast. Yeah. And we're always a few weeks ahead, but that's just not how it actually is. We're all over the place. Yeah. Sometimes we're like, slacking our producers like, Oh, you need to record

something today and then it's like Friday. Right. John has to edit over the weekend. Yeah. Um, so that's why we, it's hard to have guests because we can barely plan ahead. That's a good New Year's resolution for us. I don't know if anybody asked that, but getting more organized than our output. Yeah, that would be nice.

Uh, okay. Let's take another break, answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business, but with stamps.com. All you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it.

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Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire head gum network, Jake. Wow, that's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their

digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit. Like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app.

Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift.

A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit aura frames. That's a u r a frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to 30 dollars off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely.

The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a u r a frames dot com. OK, go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for 30 dollars off plus free shipping. Thank you, aura.

And now back to the headgum podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Yep. You got another question for us. Will there be more? Jake and Amir asks Carter wait. There will be. We're recording them this month this month.

We still need to write them. Yes, maybe this weekend would be a good time. Write them this weekend, shoot them at the end of January and then release them slowly over February and March. Yeah, so we're going to write one of them should be a March Madness up. That's true. Our goal is to write six. OK, shoot six that I didn't actually know that.

That's shit. OK, I think one should be about Musk owning Twitter, right, and I'm sort of into the idea. I had just a random, like, comedy position for you to take in my head, which was and I think we did it as a bit, maybe like when Marty and Cohen were like, discuss negotiating something for us. And I think we kept on saying, like, do you need us to put like you forgot to put on your big boy pants today?

You want daddy to step in? Yeah, this is like a man's job. Yeah, so yeah, maybe you're on the phone with a plumber. I'm saying, do you want daddy to step in? You like trying to be you fucking like put trying to put me down. Yeah, so I take the phone from you and I ruin something like you're welcome. It's like, is he coming to fix the things? Like, I highly doubt it.

Yeah, well, I needed them to let me let daddy drive. That's what that's the energy that I like. Let Jesus take the wheel. Yeah, that's good. OK, so more of those coming for sure. Indeed. Here's another question. Go ahead. I hope it's OK that I read them.

Yeah, I mean, I know that you want me to read one. Yeah, and I obviously have one. Yeah, yeah, indeed. So here it comes. Here we go. Four, three, two, one. What make that pussy pop? Shit, I have to pre screen them when you put me on the spot. Yeah, I feel like you zeroed it on that one. God damn it.

How do you get a woman off? I'm actually curious. Why don't we answer that? Actually, how do you? How do you? Excuse me. How do you get? How do you get someone off? Let's say it's not Avital, someone you don't know.

What's your? What's step zero? Yeah, what's your go to? Take me through the process. What would you do? I would smile. Yeah. Are you trying some type of clitoral stimulation?

Are you spelling the alphabet with your tongue? Yeah. American Pie style. What's the current status of fate on shuffle? Says Waymes Jorner. Well, how many songs have there been? I told you about the fact that we're writing a Christmas song, right? No. Oh, OK.

So me and Gareth, we're trying to get a holiday song out, a Christmas song. It is mid-January. How's that going? Well, I got them the lyrics kind of late in December. Yeah. Too late in the game. And then we were like, it's actually really funny to,

if we release this Christmas song in March. Yeah, in the spring. Kind of like, it's March, but I already know that Christmas is going to be sad and lonely. Yeah. That kind of vibe. So yeah, the current status is that we're working on our Christmas song to come out in the spring.

Got it. Yeah. Actually, we did get a What Are Your New Year's Resolutions question from, oh, nice. We sort of already responded to that. I kind of came up with mine this morning. Oh, what is it? I want to cook more.

Oh, yeah, you had that thing for a little bit. Yeah, the thing is, I think I, Katrina is who asked that question. OK, Katrina. So I went too hard on the cooking back when I first started. I was doing the full meals. On Wednesday, I would spin the globe on Monday, I think. And then on Wednesday night, I would cook wherever it landed. So I'm cooking traditional Mongolian cuisine.

Right. And it was really fun. And I think it was a good jump start for me to understanding some basics of cooking. Right. But it was very hard to sustain, because I was like. It's overwhelming to do an entire Burmese dinner once a week. So and then I think I got burnt out.

And now I help with cooking, but I don't really own any meals. Like if we're cooking something, like, oh, I'll do the protein. I'll grill it, or I'll put something in the oven. But I would like to kind of, I'd like to cook for myself more. Oh, interesting. Even if Jill's not around or something, just make myself breakfast and make myself lunch. But I'm a scrounger throughout the day than I help with dinner.

But I'd like to take a little more ownership. Yeah, usually when I'm dealing with dinner just by myself, I'm like, this is my time to fucking get a cheeseburger, or ramen, or something that I normally wouldn't get for two. Exactly. That's what I usually do, too. What's your resolution? The getting organized sounds good to me.

OK. Just take that one, all right, great. Take that one and run. It's always to use my phone lesson. I never do it. Rainy Knight in Soho asks, ginger beer, yay or nay? I guess I used to like a Moscow mule. I wouldn't necessarily want one now.

Ginger beer. But that's ginger beer is an ingredient, is what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm saying that too. I wouldn't want just like a loose ginger beer. What's the difference between ginger beer and ginger ale? I guess ginger beer is alcoholic. It's not. Huh?

I believe it's not. Is it not even a little? I believe no. Wow. Casey, can we confirm or deny? I'm pretty sure it's non-alcoholic and ginger beer is like spicier. Ginger ale is like. Is it thick?

It feels a little more syrupy. Maybe it's that, or it is like more sugar. But yeah, I found that out recently, too. It's like ginger beer. Because I was looking for ginger ale for something, and it was like, yeah, ginger beer is just the same thing. More or less. Seems like it isn't.

But yeah. I'm not really a fan of either. You don't like ginger ale? I used to only drink ginger ale on flights. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, and now it's like, oh, I can just have this whenever I want. And do you? Yeah, sometimes you get it for the house.

It's good for nausea. Oh, yeah. Good for nausea. Yeah, I used to get it on flights, I think, because you did. It's a great, I'm on a flight drink. Yeah, but I don't do it. How imminent is Twitter's death? Asks Mampbellic.

We don't know. And I also think who cares? I've been using Twitter more and more that Musk is in charge now, because now there's like that whole story plus all the sports and politics that I follow. It's like ramping up for me. It's so. He's winning.

It's so uninteresting to me that he owns or runs Twitter. Like, who cares? I don't know. He does a lot of crazy shit. Like, he opens the floodgates to anybody can be verified. It's like, oh, that's a weird ass thing that he did. And now we have to deal with the repercussions because he actually gets that done.

That's kind of crazy. I guess. It's just like, it just doesn't matter at all. Right. If you fired like 75% of people and people are like, it's going to, if the site crashes, it won't ever come up. So far, it hasn't crashed yet or it's fine? I don't know.

I'm confused about what's going on entirely. Weird. Whatever. Jenny Casey asks, what's your best cold remedy? You're getting sick. Yeah. What's your go-to? I don't know.

I'm miserable when I have a cold, though. What do you mean? Like, I get, I go through all the stages of depression. Denial. I have like, in the beginning, I'm like, no, this isn't a cold. It's just like tickling my nose. Yeah, I don't have a cold. I'm fine.

Or like, maybe this is a, it might be like a small cold. I bet it's going to be tomorrow. Yeah. And then what's the next one? Bargaining? Yeah. Acceptance. Give me anything but this cold.

I'll take anything. Then I get, yeah, then I'm pissed. How did this happen to me? Why? Right. Who got me sick? Who the fuck got me sick? I'm mad at them.

So yeah, I think my remedies are usually, I just throw literally everything at it. Drink a lot of fluids, drink tea, take day quill, take night quill. Oh, you like the drugs of it all. Give me medicine, give me every single homeopathic recipe. Like, it does whatever. Anything for any amount of relief. Yeah.

That's, that's me. I like, and rest. I feel like sleep is the number one thing. Like, your body can only fight it when you're, it's like, powered off or like in sleep mode. It's like, I try to sleep as much as possible. Yeah. As much as possible.

Rest as much as possible. I truly look forward to going to bed every single night because I'm thinking I'll wake up the next day and it will be gone. When you're sick. Yeah. And it's always, it's always a little bit longer than you want it to be.

And now it might be COVID where like, you will literally have like a test that'll say if it's still in you. Yeah. And last time I had a cold, it was COVID. Yeah. Sorry about that again. Yeah.

Definitely your fault for sure. Who is your favorite character to play on GoldenEye 64 multiplayer? Who was the guy that wore the Hawaiian shirt? Ooh. I don't remember. Hawaiian shirt in GoldenEye? Yeah.

I know they're bringing it back for the switch. I wonder if that's what he's referring to. You and I should definitely play. Yeah. I agree about that for sure. I used to, I mean, if I wasn't Bond, I like to play the Hawaiian shirt guy. Hawaiian shirt guy.

There was Oddjob who was sort of short and now is annoying. Yeah. Yeah. Did not like playing Oddjob. And I hated when other people played Oddjob. One of the first, I searched characters in GoldenEye and the caption is, the headline is, Oddjob in GoldenEye is cheating and we all know it.

Yeah. He's basically too short. You can't shoot him. It's hard to shoot. You got to like adjust. Because in GoldenEye, yeah, you have to aim down. And it's a game of seconds. Yes, exactly.

As soon as someone starts shooting you, you're fucked. Especially the RPG gun. Oh yeah, that like RCPO7 or whatever the fuck? I always thought it was RPG. Alec Trevelyan? Oh yeah, I think that's it. Just the first one. Yeah.

Baron Samedi. These all sound familiar. Can I see their pictures? Do they have pictures? Let's see. Sort of, but like it looks like some of them are just characters from the movie. So it's hard to say which one.

I mean, these are just really take you back. Wow. N64. I definitely like thought these graphics were good. Yeah, they're also. Oh, there we go. That's what I'm walking. No, one more.

Other way. Yeah. Black and white dossier photos. It has all of them. All right, wait, I'm going to pull it up. Valentin Jaws, Baron Samedi. It looks like none of them have a wine shirt. OK.

But yeah, hopefully it comes to the Nintendo Switch. Best comedy clubs in New York or LA writes Burke Milley. I'm not that familiar with comedy clubs. I like Flappers and Burbank. Shout out to Flappers and Burbank. Sorry? Do you go to comedy shows in New York? Do you know?

No. But my brother-in-law, Dan Lakata, hosts a show at the Bell House. So that's when I go to a bunch. My sister performs there too. All right, a few last ones. Shank Nanagins asked, Jake loves Blink, but what are his thoughts on other bands?

There are other bands like Boxcar Racer, Plus 44, AVA, and Transplants. So I loved Boxcar Racer. Was not a huge fan. I basically like Tom. So Boxcar is great. Angels and Airwaves actually like a lot. Which is who?

That's Tom. Plus 44, I believe, is Mark in Travis's project. And I don't even know the other ones. But Angels and Airwaves, I love as much as Blink. They're different. Because I think Angels and Airwaves, it's almost like I can listen to an entire Angels and Airwaves soundtrack and not really

know the difference of any of the songs. It's just like it's a mood. It's a vibe. It is a vibe. I used to listen to it and I would take the train home from New York. I listen to it sometimes when I go on a run. All right, two last questions.

Power Scream asks, what's the max number of kissless hangouts with a new lady before accepting? It's just platonic. Max? I don't think there's a max number. I mean, 100, it's probably not a romantic thing. 50, 20, 10, 5. More charged.

I think that if it's a new person and you hang out, I don't know, it all five. I'll say five. It all depends. It's got to be a kiss within the first five. I think it's three. Three. Somewhere between three and five.

And then one last question. Trouble them all. RingmasterJoJo asks, which one of you is going to spoiler alert die first? Great question. I think if one of us is going to die young, it'll be me. But if we both make it to 70, it'll be me. If one of us is dying of old age, it'll be you.

Interesting. So it's still sort of a crapshoot. Yeah. What do you think? Well, I'm older. Not by much. Not by much. But average wise, I'll die first.

But you do more biking that's dangerous, flying dangerous, driving, a lot of high danger activity. You also have childhood obesity. Is that safe to say? You have type 4 through 7 diabetes, which is a huge one. Hepatite is deep, which is all of the above, which is so fucked up. And that heel issue, which I assume will spread to your heart.

I'm actually, the feet are fine. Fully healed? Fully healed. The heels are fully healed. Yeah. Wow. So what's your new thing? I have a sort of sore lower back from tennis and stuff.

Interesting. My shoulders feel tight. Always? Is that a forever thing? I don't know. I think I could do more stretching. When I stretch a lot, I feel pretty good. And then sometimes I just don't stretch.

And my hip flexors get tight and my shoulders get tight. So that's got to manage that. I've also been like, every once in a while, right now, I have a tiny bit of neck pain when I turn to the left too far. And that's really annoying. Because I've also had it when I can't, can only turn that far. And that's awful.

So I'm always nervous if it's coming back. What about your wrist thing, the tendonitis? Oh yeah, that's better too. That's good. Yeah. I have this thing with my left thumb. Like I can crack my knuckle on my right thumb. My left thumb, I feel like it's sore.

But like always. Interesting. It's almost like whatever's going on here is just a forever breeze. That's just your thumb now. That's forever, yeah. Yeah, that's your new thumb. Yes, exactly. My new thumb.

Have you ever had my new thumb? There are some things, basically, if you can't kick it in three months, that's your new, that's new you. Yes, exactly. It's part of you forever. So you guys have that to look forward to, I guess. That's it. We got a lot of questions.

We answered a lot of questions. We did our best. We did. Or should I say, we did our best. You should say best. For more of us, you can check us out on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash J.A. We're watching Jake and Amir videos.

That's right. Memory lane style going down, recanting little tales of wives, actually. Yeah. And your. And your. And if you have your own questions that you want us to answer on a more normal-ish advice-based episode like Jake's Ecuadorian Uber driver. Lyft.

Lyft driver. Excuse me. You can email us at, if I were you, show at gmail.com. That's right. That theme song, do you remember who wrote it? It was steady, steady, steady, steady, steady. Oh, yeah. It was, it was like strong C, C strong, C steady, C hard, C hard and speddy

Ed's Colton Hardy. Colton Hardy. How dope is that? Hope you like the song. We do like the song. Thank you Colton. Thanks to you guys for listening and we'll be back next week. Ciao.

Bye. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd write Jake and Amir. Say if your crash is here, it's Jake and Amir. They make your problems disappear. If you got a problem, they'll sign it.

Check out this HawaiiTrader's Resolvent. That was a hit gum original.